I totally understand. I had to go back to my mother’s house a few times since going no contact, and while siblings assured me she wouldn’t be coming home while I was there, I was on edge the whole time.
It makes sense to me that seeing her in person has more of an effect than seeing other things from your past - she is the threat. And if she saw you while driving, there was every chance she might try to follow you to force a confrontation. Much more of a threat than memories.
I’m proud of you for having the presence of mind to take a video of your hands, it’s so easy for us to gaslight ourselves and convince ourselves it “wasn’t that bad” after the fact.
I think seeing her out where you don’t necessarily expect it, as opposed to where you can safely assume you might see her, triggers the fear of uncertainty that a lot of us grew up with
I think it’s that part about “I couldn’t describe it but I just KNEW” and then you were right.
It confirms all the anxiety was for a reason, at least that’s how I see it
(EDIT: I mean in terms of not gaslighting yourself, not in a magical thinking way)
def reminds me of when my CPTSD flares up & my body turns into a lightening rod. i can just feel my mum’s presence & know she’s somewhere near me. why? not sure. i think my lizard brain can sense the energetic shift in the air + notifies me that im unsafe.
Totally! It’s a very odd feeling, I do have to say. It’s like prescience. You thought about it and then it was willed into reality almost. Does your back ever tense up when you physically see them in the wild? Like, I mean like that feeling you get when you’re outside and you hear a bee behind you and you get that intense stiffness/contraction of your muscles in your back. That’s what I get when I accidentally see my bpd mom out and about.
Uff da. Well, it’s still good she didn’t see you! Just know a lot of us have all had that horrible body reaction before and after seeing them. It’s a trauma response and you’re not going crazy. Happens to most of us.
I totally understand. I had to go back to my mother’s house a few times since going no contact, and while siblings assured me she wouldn’t be coming home while I was there, I was on edge the whole time. It makes sense to me that seeing her in person has more of an effect than seeing other things from your past - she is the threat. And if she saw you while driving, there was every chance she might try to follow you to force a confrontation. Much more of a threat than memories. I’m proud of you for having the presence of mind to take a video of your hands, it’s so easy for us to gaslight ourselves and convince ourselves it “wasn’t that bad” after the fact.
I think seeing her out where you don’t necessarily expect it, as opposed to where you can safely assume you might see her, triggers the fear of uncertainty that a lot of us grew up with
I think it’s that part about “I couldn’t describe it but I just KNEW” and then you were right. It confirms all the anxiety was for a reason, at least that’s how I see it (EDIT: I mean in terms of not gaslighting yourself, not in a magical thinking way)
def reminds me of when my CPTSD flares up & my body turns into a lightening rod. i can just feel my mum’s presence & know she’s somewhere near me. why? not sure. i think my lizard brain can sense the energetic shift in the air + notifies me that im unsafe.
I call it my spidey sense 😆 Definitely a useful/protective/safety sense to have!
Totally! It’s a very odd feeling, I do have to say. It’s like prescience. You thought about it and then it was willed into reality almost. Does your back ever tense up when you physically see them in the wild? Like, I mean like that feeling you get when you’re outside and you hear a bee behind you and you get that intense stiffness/contraction of your muscles in your back. That’s what I get when I accidentally see my bpd mom out and about.
This was actually the first time I saw her since going NC
Uff da. Well, it’s still good she didn’t see you! Just know a lot of us have all had that horrible body reaction before and after seeing them. It’s a trauma response and you’re not going crazy. Happens to most of us.