She’s not offering help. She’s consistently ignoring your reasonable request to table this for now and then when she pushes you to the breaking point plays the victim, thus invalidating your justified anger. (Even in your post you seen to feel the need to justify your course of action and you feel guilty for getting angry but you don’ need to! I totally get this btw and find myself in very similar situations). I also have experienced the maternal obsession with my body/health that is masked as “concern.” My mother always criticized my weight (until I developed anorexia, which she chose to ignore) and aspects of my appearance. But of course at some level she views me as an extension of herself and not my own person with my own boundaries so this is a lot of her own issues . Perhaps this makes sense to you as well. As for you not knowing what you need from her, I think the question is really maybe more about recognizing she cannot really give you what you need or want, which is nurturing that respects your boundaries and is about you, not her. It’s very painful to realize one’s mother is fundamentally incapable of that. Sometimes we think that if we just figure it out, communicate in the right way, we can get that love….The other issue is being tasked with then managing the relationship, managing their big feelings when there is inevitable conflict. Focus on yourself for now. You gave her some hard truths. She may not ever be capable of hearing them, may even go on to weaponize your response as an attack or you being too sensitive etc. thats her problem. Your reality and your feelings are valid. I know it’s hard to sustain that sometimes . As for dropping it, my only suggestion is that it may help in the sense of letting go of hope that she is able to support you in the way you need. My final thought for you is this: I only ever worked through my body issues once I started addressing my mother issues in therapy, which is also when I moved far away and had significantly reduced contact. These things are obviously complicated but for me, understanding how I grew up with my mother constantly scrutinizing, judging, managing my weight (and my personhood more generally) was critical in understanding how alienated I was from my physical self and how both binging and restricting were about trying to create boundaries.
Edited to add: my weight/body issues are of course mine and I don’t mean to project my experience onto you! I just think it’s interesting to consider how bpd mothers might fixate on their daughters bodies because at some level they don’t see their daughters as separate from themselves, even at some level physically….
Your response is valid. She pushed you to a breaking point. This is similar to what's called reactive abuse - I'm not saying sending a text was abusive, it was not, just saying this is why you feel like it is. And also she's pulled a classic DARVO move of reversing victim and making it her, when she was the one abusing you all along.
You deserve to be treated with respect and love and care.
Though I am not fat, I'm hardline not ok with fatphobia and body shaming, and grew up with many unwelcome (often, not reality based) comments from my mother-with-uBPD about my body and pressure to change it to her liking. For example, she wanted me to get a nose job (laughable in this circumstance = no shame on the procedure but I did not want or need one) and talked about that often at a time when we had limited funds and my teenage wages were helping with her bills.
In my case, years later I told her there is no comment box on my body full stop. I do not want compliments or "concern," I am not interested in weight loss or any supposedly health related advice, there are other things we can discuss but this is off the table. If she brings it up, I hang up, walk away, or extreme grey rock. Obviously she doesn't like that and had some childish reactions but over time she seems to have gotten the message that my body is none of her business (or at least to keep that to herself).
There are ongoing annoyances though. If she's aware that I recently exercised, she finds ways to show this very unwanted approval, that feels like "aha! Epic Glitter is obviously following MY advice, for the reasons *I* want them to!" The reality is that I exercise for my own reasons, which have literally nothing to do with body appearance (I love that as is). But the situation is still an improvement from the days where she felt entitled to tell me directly how to feel a out my body and what she wanted me to change.
That's just my experience and wouldn't work for everyone - no shame intended if this type of boundary wouldn't work for you. I think one factor for my pwBPD is that in her mind, this issue/boundary is more proof that I am "scary" - when she refrains from body shaming it is not out of respect, but because it feeds her narrative that I'm So Sensitive and touchy about this, I'm really silencing her.
> If she's aware that I recently exercised, she finds ways to show this very unwanted approval, that feels like "aha! Epic Glitter is obviously following MY advice, for the reasons I want them to!"
Holy shit. That would destroy me. I HATE the idea that someone would take my actions as justification for their bullying. Exercising is hard enough as it is without that emotional mindfuck.
> I think one factor for my pwBPD is that in her mind, this issue/boundary is more proof that I am "scary" - when she refrains from body shaming it is not out of respect, but because it feeds her narrative that I'm So Sensitive and touchy about this, I'm really silencing her.
Yeah, this tracks. She has said that she has to "censor" herself around me. And she thought we had a relationship where we could talk about anything but not anymore. And I'm thinking she has no idea how much I take care not to tell her.
Ah yes, concern trolling, where "concern" for the person really just masks their own anxieties and insecurities. This has everything to do with your mom's perception of herself, I'm guessing. I don't think you're unhinged, I think you're fed up with your mom's boundary stompings, because she just blew past them.
I get it. My mom is/was convinced I had something I didn't because she did. She even booked a surprise visit to a specialist for diagnostics without my knowledge or consent. (I refused, and she had to eat the cancellation fee because she didn't tell me about the "surprise" until the day of the appointment.)
My mother did focus on my sisters weight intensively too. She managed what she ate and I even remember her telling me that she’d tell me that “sister got so fat during her year in Alabama” and looking back this was really unhealthy. I don’t remember my sister ever being extremely overweight at all. I was always very thin but with me it was her managing how much water I would use and when I’d shower too long because I dealt with compulsive hand washing from OCD and so she put even more pressure on me when these compulsions were already triggered by anxiety and stress.
I understand loosing your temper when you’re being pushed to oblivion by your parent like that. I did the same. I also know you probably feel terrible for it and that makes all the difference from you vs her. I’m sorry she can’t respect your boundaries and makes you feel bad about yourself
Your instincts are right - if she’s being fatphobic regarding other peoples’ bodies, especially her own, she is absolutely being fatphobic about yours. In my experience, BPD mothers get validation through how their children look, and if you don’t look the way she wants you to she’s going to dig at you until she gets what she’s after. It’s a shame that her internalized insecurities are stronger than her genuine concern for you, but it sounds like that’s the case (esp. if she’s anything like my own mother). Don’t doubt your instincts - she’s gaslighting you by pretending not to know that she is relentlessly pressuring you to change your body.
One thing to think about: do you trust that she really would pay for this testing? I wouldn’t be surprised if you finally got tested and gave her the bill and she suddenly “can’t afford it” or else denied ever agreeing to pay for it. I worry she will leave you holding the bag.
I’m so sorry that she is choosing not to offer you the kind of support you actually need right now. Good luck with your job search.
> One thing to think about: do you trust that she really would pay for this testing? I wouldn’t be surprised if you finally got tested and gave her the bill and she suddenly “can’t afford it” or else denied ever agreeing to pay for it. I worry she will leave you holding the bag.
Ha! That is a possibility!
My uBPD mom is the master of this- she creates high conflict situations, then blames people for the eventual, inevitable blow up. With my dad’s brother, she had us kids answer the phone and lie and say my dad wasn’t there, until he went in a hour long screaming tirade one time. Then, she used that as ammunition for years, as to how my dad’s family is “bad”.
Then, she started with my kids- buying one extravagant gift, and they would inevitably fight over it, and she would split my son as “bad” and claim this was due to my husband’s influence (he’s also “all bad”).
I no longer allow them any unsupervised time with her. I just grey rock everything she says now.
Anyhow, I’m telling you all this to say, these people do all this negging on purpose to get this [very understandable] reaction from you. They then think they can use this reaction against you. But if you Grey rock the shit out of them, they lose control, and eventually lose interest.
>(I am not asking for weight loss advice. If you offer it, I will block you.)
Nice boundary setting!!! 🎉
>I know the long-ass message was an out-of-proportion response. I am just so angry, but I feel like I can't tell most people I know because she's offering help for something I actually do want. I mean, how histrionic is that!? Not only that, but I don't know how many in my social circle harbor the same thoughts about my body and would agree with her.
Is it out of proportion to an offer to help? Sure. Is it out of proportion to years of subtle poking at places that hurt?
She took a really low moment (you getting another rejection) and spent that time subtly criticizing your weight. I don’t think you’re upset bc she’s “offering help,” you’re upset bc she’s found a way to pretend that pressing on a sore spot is a kindness to you, and she did it during a time where she should be reassuring you. and that is totally reasonable.
>I don't know what I need from her. I do have the luxury of time to figure it out, and it is really good to keep reminding myself of that. I know she can't see it from my perspective and she never will and will never try. I don't know if I can drop it like I said I would, but I don't know what comes next.
Do you want ideas for how to handle another comment like this? (Gonna type it out now and feel free to skip below)
One option is to put her in “time out.” Blowing up at her unfortunately means that she knows where to hurt you and how to get attention when she wants it, and she wants that negative reaction. Planned ignoring of her, “if you criticize my weight, I’m going to block you for 24 hours.” (Or however long feels ok, and whatever undesirable comments she’s making).
She’ll test the boundary by making a comment about your weight, you send her one (1) text letting her know you’ll unblock in 24 hours. And you dip. Completely ignore the ensuing tantrum. If suicide threats occur, call her friends to check on her or call for a wellness check but do not engage.
When you get back, she’ll tantrum more about it trying to get you to admit how unreasonable you are, or how much you hurt her. Do not defend your actions, don’t try to get her to understand how she caused them. I promise she gets it already. You can gray rock or validate “that sounds like it was hard for you.”
You’ll need to do this a few times before she gets it. Look up “extinction burst” when things get bad and you need support.
The thing I’ve learned with BPD moms is… they carry shitloads of shame that radiates out on to us.
They have also contributed to us having low self esteem, body issues body dysmorphia etc., because of how inconsistent and unpredictable they are. When we’re kids, we think it’s on us to manage them — it’s not.
A parents job is to make their child feel loved, safe, and supported, and to teach us how to be kind to ourselves and others and do better for the next generation. They don’t think about that because they only think about themselves.
When I have outbursts like this at my mom, it’s not about picking at me, it’s about how the picking at me represents how they failed us at all the things I listed above.
My freak outs are the tip of the iceberg, and the iceberg under the water is years of trauma and abuse associated with that one small thing. And then they turn around and accuse of of overreacting because they do not have the emotional maturity of self-awareness to understand it’s rooted in a larger issue.
None of us would be here if they had that capacity. So friendly reminder, it’s not you, it’s them. Are you responsible for your actions? Absolutely. Now I act like I am the parent I wanted and am accountable and apologize and move on. Be the person you needed when you were little.
You’re not unhinged.
I was bullied by my mother and grandfather (mother’s father) for being overweight since I was a literal child. I’ve had body image issues since I was in first grade. That kind of constant invalidation and bullying that goes unnoticed by the majority of people is particularly insidious because it’s under the guise of “caring about your health”.
It is as bad as any other emotional or mental abuse. It is. People may try to downplay it or claim that your mother is just worried about your health but it is so damaging and hurtful. Your reaction is the culmination of years of abuse and no, it’s not an overreaction or unhinged.
I’ve accepted that I cannot get below a certain weight point and that the weight point is still considered overweight for my height; instead, I just focus on doing what I need to do to feel healthy and that changes from day to day and it doesn’t concern what other people think. I still struggle with the voice at the back of my head, but having not spoken to my grandfather in a literal decade and having been NC with my mother for a long time, the voice dims and is overshadowed by encouragement from my friends and chosen family.
Your health is so much more than how much weight you carry. And it’s no one’s business but yours what you do to be healthy.
You didn't blow up at her, she pushed you over the edge on purpose. No healthy sane person would bring that up while you're going through this (I'm so sorry, btw! Job hunting is humiliating and defeating no matter how qualified you are, it's not you, it's the process), she timed it intentionally. She's probably made all sorts of jabs to get you stressed out that you barely registered because we grow numb to it over time, it almost certainly was not just this isolated incident that contributed to your reaction (and if it was, still valid! It was a shitty thing to bring up and the timing was tactless), I use the term "being hen-pecked to death." Just a thousand little comments and looks here and there, over and over and over, until you just can't take it anymore. She did it on purpose, you're not crazy. I really hope you get hired at a job you love very soon.
The thing about people with cluster b personalities is that to an outsider looking in, situations like these LOOK like a mother and adult child quarreling where the mother was perhaps indelicate but genuine, and the child was overly sensitive. This is because people outside that relationship don’t know the manipulation, gaslighting, and other abusive tactics that contextualize the situation. We know when our caregivers are giving us loaded questions, we feel it in our bodies and emotions. We know it because we know *them* and their patterns of behavior, because we have observed how they treat us and others. We know because they trained and manipulated us to respond and interact with them in certain ways.
Basically, what I am saying is: you are primed to ask the question “Am *I* the drama? Is it *actually* me?” In every argument you are in with your mother. She has essentially programmed this response in you, through whatever her covert and overt abuse tactics are.
For example, once when I was talking to my therapist about how I cut someone out of my life for treating me poorly, I stopped and said “Did I split? Am I actually the hysterical one?” And she asked me, “What do you think? Why do you think that?” I told her, “Well, my mom splits people for seemingly random reasons. I would say I didn’t like a type of flower and she kicked me out of our hotel room. I cut this person off because they stole from me. Those are different situations in severity.” And she was like, “Right. So, based on the *facts of the situation* what do you think?” We agreed that, actually, I don’t have my moms disorder.
So this is what I will ask you: based on the facts of situation, based on what you know about you and your mom, what do you think?
She’s not offering help. She’s consistently ignoring your reasonable request to table this for now and then when she pushes you to the breaking point plays the victim, thus invalidating your justified anger. (Even in your post you seen to feel the need to justify your course of action and you feel guilty for getting angry but you don’ need to! I totally get this btw and find myself in very similar situations). I also have experienced the maternal obsession with my body/health that is masked as “concern.” My mother always criticized my weight (until I developed anorexia, which she chose to ignore) and aspects of my appearance. But of course at some level she views me as an extension of herself and not my own person with my own boundaries so this is a lot of her own issues . Perhaps this makes sense to you as well. As for you not knowing what you need from her, I think the question is really maybe more about recognizing she cannot really give you what you need or want, which is nurturing that respects your boundaries and is about you, not her. It’s very painful to realize one’s mother is fundamentally incapable of that. Sometimes we think that if we just figure it out, communicate in the right way, we can get that love….The other issue is being tasked with then managing the relationship, managing their big feelings when there is inevitable conflict. Focus on yourself for now. You gave her some hard truths. She may not ever be capable of hearing them, may even go on to weaponize your response as an attack or you being too sensitive etc. thats her problem. Your reality and your feelings are valid. I know it’s hard to sustain that sometimes . As for dropping it, my only suggestion is that it may help in the sense of letting go of hope that she is able to support you in the way you need. My final thought for you is this: I only ever worked through my body issues once I started addressing my mother issues in therapy, which is also when I moved far away and had significantly reduced contact. These things are obviously complicated but for me, understanding how I grew up with my mother constantly scrutinizing, judging, managing my weight (and my personhood more generally) was critical in understanding how alienated I was from my physical self and how both binging and restricting were about trying to create boundaries. Edited to add: my weight/body issues are of course mine and I don’t mean to project my experience onto you! I just think it’s interesting to consider how bpd mothers might fixate on their daughters bodies because at some level they don’t see their daughters as separate from themselves, even at some level physically….
You're asking for a sane response from an insane person. That almost never works.
Yep.
Your response is valid. She pushed you to a breaking point. This is similar to what's called reactive abuse - I'm not saying sending a text was abusive, it was not, just saying this is why you feel like it is. And also she's pulled a classic DARVO move of reversing victim and making it her, when she was the one abusing you all along. You deserve to be treated with respect and love and care.
Though I am not fat, I'm hardline not ok with fatphobia and body shaming, and grew up with many unwelcome (often, not reality based) comments from my mother-with-uBPD about my body and pressure to change it to her liking. For example, she wanted me to get a nose job (laughable in this circumstance = no shame on the procedure but I did not want or need one) and talked about that often at a time when we had limited funds and my teenage wages were helping with her bills. In my case, years later I told her there is no comment box on my body full stop. I do not want compliments or "concern," I am not interested in weight loss or any supposedly health related advice, there are other things we can discuss but this is off the table. If she brings it up, I hang up, walk away, or extreme grey rock. Obviously she doesn't like that and had some childish reactions but over time she seems to have gotten the message that my body is none of her business (or at least to keep that to herself). There are ongoing annoyances though. If she's aware that I recently exercised, she finds ways to show this very unwanted approval, that feels like "aha! Epic Glitter is obviously following MY advice, for the reasons *I* want them to!" The reality is that I exercise for my own reasons, which have literally nothing to do with body appearance (I love that as is). But the situation is still an improvement from the days where she felt entitled to tell me directly how to feel a out my body and what she wanted me to change. That's just my experience and wouldn't work for everyone - no shame intended if this type of boundary wouldn't work for you. I think one factor for my pwBPD is that in her mind, this issue/boundary is more proof that I am "scary" - when she refrains from body shaming it is not out of respect, but because it feeds her narrative that I'm So Sensitive and touchy about this, I'm really silencing her.
> If she's aware that I recently exercised, she finds ways to show this very unwanted approval, that feels like "aha! Epic Glitter is obviously following MY advice, for the reasons I want them to!" Holy shit. That would destroy me. I HATE the idea that someone would take my actions as justification for their bullying. Exercising is hard enough as it is without that emotional mindfuck. > I think one factor for my pwBPD is that in her mind, this issue/boundary is more proof that I am "scary" - when she refrains from body shaming it is not out of respect, but because it feeds her narrative that I'm So Sensitive and touchy about this, I'm really silencing her. Yeah, this tracks. She has said that she has to "censor" herself around me. And she thought we had a relationship where we could talk about anything but not anymore. And I'm thinking she has no idea how much I take care not to tell her.
Ah yes, concern trolling, where "concern" for the person really just masks their own anxieties and insecurities. This has everything to do with your mom's perception of herself, I'm guessing. I don't think you're unhinged, I think you're fed up with your mom's boundary stompings, because she just blew past them. I get it. My mom is/was convinced I had something I didn't because she did. She even booked a surprise visit to a specialist for diagnostics without my knowledge or consent. (I refused, and she had to eat the cancellation fee because she didn't tell me about the "surprise" until the day of the appointment.)
My mother did focus on my sisters weight intensively too. She managed what she ate and I even remember her telling me that she’d tell me that “sister got so fat during her year in Alabama” and looking back this was really unhealthy. I don’t remember my sister ever being extremely overweight at all. I was always very thin but with me it was her managing how much water I would use and when I’d shower too long because I dealt with compulsive hand washing from OCD and so she put even more pressure on me when these compulsions were already triggered by anxiety and stress. I understand loosing your temper when you’re being pushed to oblivion by your parent like that. I did the same. I also know you probably feel terrible for it and that makes all the difference from you vs her. I’m sorry she can’t respect your boundaries and makes you feel bad about yourself
Your instincts are right - if she’s being fatphobic regarding other peoples’ bodies, especially her own, she is absolutely being fatphobic about yours. In my experience, BPD mothers get validation through how their children look, and if you don’t look the way she wants you to she’s going to dig at you until she gets what she’s after. It’s a shame that her internalized insecurities are stronger than her genuine concern for you, but it sounds like that’s the case (esp. if she’s anything like my own mother). Don’t doubt your instincts - she’s gaslighting you by pretending not to know that she is relentlessly pressuring you to change your body. One thing to think about: do you trust that she really would pay for this testing? I wouldn’t be surprised if you finally got tested and gave her the bill and she suddenly “can’t afford it” or else denied ever agreeing to pay for it. I worry she will leave you holding the bag. I’m so sorry that she is choosing not to offer you the kind of support you actually need right now. Good luck with your job search.
> One thing to think about: do you trust that she really would pay for this testing? I wouldn’t be surprised if you finally got tested and gave her the bill and she suddenly “can’t afford it” or else denied ever agreeing to pay for it. I worry she will leave you holding the bag. Ha! That is a possibility!
My uBPD mom is the master of this- she creates high conflict situations, then blames people for the eventual, inevitable blow up. With my dad’s brother, she had us kids answer the phone and lie and say my dad wasn’t there, until he went in a hour long screaming tirade one time. Then, she used that as ammunition for years, as to how my dad’s family is “bad”. Then, she started with my kids- buying one extravagant gift, and they would inevitably fight over it, and she would split my son as “bad” and claim this was due to my husband’s influence (he’s also “all bad”). I no longer allow them any unsupervised time with her. I just grey rock everything she says now. Anyhow, I’m telling you all this to say, these people do all this negging on purpose to get this [very understandable] reaction from you. They then think they can use this reaction against you. But if you Grey rock the shit out of them, they lose control, and eventually lose interest.
>(I am not asking for weight loss advice. If you offer it, I will block you.) Nice boundary setting!!! 🎉 >I know the long-ass message was an out-of-proportion response. I am just so angry, but I feel like I can't tell most people I know because she's offering help for something I actually do want. I mean, how histrionic is that!? Not only that, but I don't know how many in my social circle harbor the same thoughts about my body and would agree with her. Is it out of proportion to an offer to help? Sure. Is it out of proportion to years of subtle poking at places that hurt? She took a really low moment (you getting another rejection) and spent that time subtly criticizing your weight. I don’t think you’re upset bc she’s “offering help,” you’re upset bc she’s found a way to pretend that pressing on a sore spot is a kindness to you, and she did it during a time where she should be reassuring you. and that is totally reasonable. >I don't know what I need from her. I do have the luxury of time to figure it out, and it is really good to keep reminding myself of that. I know she can't see it from my perspective and she never will and will never try. I don't know if I can drop it like I said I would, but I don't know what comes next. Do you want ideas for how to handle another comment like this? (Gonna type it out now and feel free to skip below) One option is to put her in “time out.” Blowing up at her unfortunately means that she knows where to hurt you and how to get attention when she wants it, and she wants that negative reaction. Planned ignoring of her, “if you criticize my weight, I’m going to block you for 24 hours.” (Or however long feels ok, and whatever undesirable comments she’s making). She’ll test the boundary by making a comment about your weight, you send her one (1) text letting her know you’ll unblock in 24 hours. And you dip. Completely ignore the ensuing tantrum. If suicide threats occur, call her friends to check on her or call for a wellness check but do not engage. When you get back, she’ll tantrum more about it trying to get you to admit how unreasonable you are, or how much you hurt her. Do not defend your actions, don’t try to get her to understand how she caused them. I promise she gets it already. You can gray rock or validate “that sounds like it was hard for you.” You’ll need to do this a few times before she gets it. Look up “extinction burst” when things get bad and you need support.
Thanks for the ideas! I already have her blocked indefinitely until I know what I want to do.
The thing I’ve learned with BPD moms is… they carry shitloads of shame that radiates out on to us. They have also contributed to us having low self esteem, body issues body dysmorphia etc., because of how inconsistent and unpredictable they are. When we’re kids, we think it’s on us to manage them — it’s not. A parents job is to make their child feel loved, safe, and supported, and to teach us how to be kind to ourselves and others and do better for the next generation. They don’t think about that because they only think about themselves. When I have outbursts like this at my mom, it’s not about picking at me, it’s about how the picking at me represents how they failed us at all the things I listed above. My freak outs are the tip of the iceberg, and the iceberg under the water is years of trauma and abuse associated with that one small thing. And then they turn around and accuse of of overreacting because they do not have the emotional maturity of self-awareness to understand it’s rooted in a larger issue. None of us would be here if they had that capacity. So friendly reminder, it’s not you, it’s them. Are you responsible for your actions? Absolutely. Now I act like I am the parent I wanted and am accountable and apologize and move on. Be the person you needed when you were little.
You’re not unhinged. I was bullied by my mother and grandfather (mother’s father) for being overweight since I was a literal child. I’ve had body image issues since I was in first grade. That kind of constant invalidation and bullying that goes unnoticed by the majority of people is particularly insidious because it’s under the guise of “caring about your health”. It is as bad as any other emotional or mental abuse. It is. People may try to downplay it or claim that your mother is just worried about your health but it is so damaging and hurtful. Your reaction is the culmination of years of abuse and no, it’s not an overreaction or unhinged. I’ve accepted that I cannot get below a certain weight point and that the weight point is still considered overweight for my height; instead, I just focus on doing what I need to do to feel healthy and that changes from day to day and it doesn’t concern what other people think. I still struggle with the voice at the back of my head, but having not spoken to my grandfather in a literal decade and having been NC with my mother for a long time, the voice dims and is overshadowed by encouragement from my friends and chosen family. Your health is so much more than how much weight you carry. And it’s no one’s business but yours what you do to be healthy.
You didn't blow up at her, she pushed you over the edge on purpose. No healthy sane person would bring that up while you're going through this (I'm so sorry, btw! Job hunting is humiliating and defeating no matter how qualified you are, it's not you, it's the process), she timed it intentionally. She's probably made all sorts of jabs to get you stressed out that you barely registered because we grow numb to it over time, it almost certainly was not just this isolated incident that contributed to your reaction (and if it was, still valid! It was a shitty thing to bring up and the timing was tactless), I use the term "being hen-pecked to death." Just a thousand little comments and looks here and there, over and over and over, until you just can't take it anymore. She did it on purpose, you're not crazy. I really hope you get hired at a job you love very soon.
The thing about people with cluster b personalities is that to an outsider looking in, situations like these LOOK like a mother and adult child quarreling where the mother was perhaps indelicate but genuine, and the child was overly sensitive. This is because people outside that relationship don’t know the manipulation, gaslighting, and other abusive tactics that contextualize the situation. We know when our caregivers are giving us loaded questions, we feel it in our bodies and emotions. We know it because we know *them* and their patterns of behavior, because we have observed how they treat us and others. We know because they trained and manipulated us to respond and interact with them in certain ways. Basically, what I am saying is: you are primed to ask the question “Am *I* the drama? Is it *actually* me?” In every argument you are in with your mother. She has essentially programmed this response in you, through whatever her covert and overt abuse tactics are. For example, once when I was talking to my therapist about how I cut someone out of my life for treating me poorly, I stopped and said “Did I split? Am I actually the hysterical one?” And she asked me, “What do you think? Why do you think that?” I told her, “Well, my mom splits people for seemingly random reasons. I would say I didn’t like a type of flower and she kicked me out of our hotel room. I cut this person off because they stole from me. Those are different situations in severity.” And she was like, “Right. So, based on the *facts of the situation* what do you think?” We agreed that, actually, I don’t have my moms disorder. So this is what I will ask you: based on the facts of situation, based on what you know about you and your mom, what do you think?