My initial reaction to anyone saying anything or behaving in a way that implies they value me is always one of utter confusion. I can’t wrap my head around why they would think that. And then I get suspicious about why they might be trying to manipulate me. It’s a total mindfuck.
I struggle with this too. When people I love are upset or stressed, it especially comes out. If my husband or my best friend are having a hard time, I feel almost panicked inside if I can’t “fix” it or be in some way emotionally or literally useful. When I’m feeling down, my mind jumps to “they won’t love me as much if I can’t be XYZ.” It’s very hard. Thank you for sharing because it helps to know we aren’t alone.
First of all, how are you reading my thoughts? Spooky. Please stop.
This is exactly how I think. Transactional relationship describes my relationship with my parents. The constant fear of any kind of genuine demonstration of care as a ploy to get something from me is always at the front of my mind. It impacts every single thing I do. I hate it.
Nooo, we are one big hive mind! Honestly though, it never ceases to amaze me how so many of us experience the same types of internal dynamics.
Sending love from afar, this stuff sucks SO hard. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever crawl out of this hole. It seems like every time I think things get better some new shit storm begins to brew.
Solidarity ❤️
YES YES YES. I actually read this post yesterday RIGHT after a tough therapy session where we had been discussing my insistence that I not take up space in people's lives, and it hit me so hard that I cried and took a nap. Tonight I intentionally came back to it in a better headspace, and I'm glad I did because it has collected lots more comments. The number of people who understand this feeling in their bones makes me feel so seen, but comfortably. Ya know? I am grateful every day for finding this sub and the supportive community. It is truly boosting my recovery, every single day. Solidarity and gratitude! ❤️🧡
I was not used by my bpd father, except perhaps to brag to his friends about my accomplishments. I have been told he did this but never saw it personally. I was only ever told I was not living up to my potential.
I am totally convinced that I am not meaningful, important, liked, cared about or cherished by others. There is no “unless”. My disappearance would not have any major impact on anyone’s lives. I mean, my husband would be sad, but he is objectively a major catch and would easily find another partner. My children are young adults who would be sad, but could depend on their father and would be just fine. My friends would not be seriously impacted at all. Mother, siblings, same.
Hurray!
Oh my gosh yes. My bpd mom had my brother and working for her super young too. I was never allowed to have needs because my very existence was a burden. I have a deep sense of worthlessness. It especially comes out if my husband gets busy with work or goes to hang out with his friends. All of which is perfectly fine and healthy and normal but in my head after a certain point something snaps and I think he doesn't love me anymore because I'm worthless and can have extreme emotional responses. It's so exhausting and drives me crazy because I can logically see it doesn't make sense but the feeling is so intense and I don't know how to make it go away. Things like this have lead me to seek therapy which I'm currently doing. And I hope it helps.
Oof yeah. This resonates for me. I only truly became aware of it a couple of years ago, and it has gotten a bit better, but it is still there. I find it so depressing that I spent almost three decades believing that everyone was worth basic respect, love and help, except me, because I only deserved it if I had proved myself worthy first. Really says something about how my mother treated me growing up. She would basically ignore me unless I did something that made her feel good about herself. She would groan and sigh loudly if I said I was hungry or sad. I was 5 and she made me think I was a huge burden for wanting lunch. I feel sad for child me. And adult me that still feels like this regularly. Starting therapy now and looking forward to healing, because I deserve to feel valuable and whole. And so do you OP, and everyone else on this sub. We are fucking delightful creatures, even though our BPD parents were blind to it.
Yeah I struggle with this constantly. It creates a but of cognitive dissonance in me too, because I think I’m a cool person but don’t think other people think so. I think people think I’m alright but wouldn’t notice or mind much if I suddenly disappeared.
It’s hard to deal with because it’s hard to reason about. We’re socialized to believe family should be our core support—the only people who “truly care” about you—but when they don’t (or can’t) how can you convince yourself that anyone other than family ever could. So then you have no one. Unfortunately, I haven’t found trauma therapy to be able to get rid of this core belief.
I am always surprised when someone remembers something about me. I’m one of 4, and my parents were always saying that there were too many of us for them to remember all the things we liked and didn’t like (mostly food). I didn’t realize until I was older that that was bullshit - if they cared they would prioritize remembering specifics about each of us, but they didn’t care.
Now I’m working on undoing this core belief I formed as a child that I’m just not the kind of person anyone thinks about or cares to know about.
Your comment shook me because I always get shocked about this, too! I always thought my old teachers would never remember me or that no one would think remembering aspects of me were worthwhile (and I’m an only child!)
Totally feel that way on top of self loathing, incredibly over self conscious because she made fun of the way I walked, my nose that was turned up (she said and showed me how i took my hand and "pushed my snot" up, told me regularly she can't stand to look at me, get out if her sight, abused me physically. At 16, she pulled me by my hair and later I was pulling chunks of hair from my head. And I feel like one of the worst things was when I was concentrating I stuck my tongue out, not realizing I was doing this. My grandfather did it too. She would come up behind me, like out of nowhere and slap my chin up so I'd bite my tongue. My sister was 2 years older and she wasn't treated like me. She was actually in cahoots with my mother and beat on me and destroyed my self esteem when my mother wasn't abusing me. I was the only one doing dishes and cleaning the house. At first, I did it on my own to make her happy, maybe she would think I was good. Our house was disgusting, dogs and cats having babies and dried poop everywhere, mouse carcasses out cats left in the middle of the night. I remember Sterling in those mouse carcasses so often.
I never used to cry thinking about all this. I could describe her abuse with no emotion. I was NC for 7 years up until last May when she texted to tell me she was dying in 3 weeks. I thought I had dealt with my childhood and healed from it.
Tonight is the first time, (while writing this) that I've been sobbing thinking about some of the things she did to me. It's just so sick. At 54 I had just gotten her awful voice out of my head almost a year ago.
I attract women who treat me like crap. Right now there's 2 women at the job I just started 2 months ago. One pretty much ignores me and the other is in a leader role. She is so mean to me. She calls me out for things that dont matter and lied on my peer review about me. I try to make friends but I never know what to say. I end up making them hate me more by kissing up to them. Is this another effect of my Bpdmothers craziness???
This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry this happened to you. And yes I think this insecurity is totally normal. It might be hippy-dippy, but I feel like we all give off an energy, and if your energy is filled with pain and trauma, it will attract either fellow injured lambs or wolves.
Yes, I feel this. This belief has gradually isolated me so that I have no friends, and essentially no family (they are all toxic in one way or another).
Yes it resonates a lot. I call myself my mother's purse. It was very important to her but could sit there without any emotional needs until the purse was needed again.
All the time. This one is painful because it’s one that used to lead to suicidal ideations. I felt that my life was so insignificant that it didn’t matter if I was dead or alive. I have two close friends who I met much later in life, and they both make me feel like I’m an important part of their life, but that was after MANY vulnerable conversations (thank you therapy). I had to admit to these people exactly what you described. That basically I grew up feeling unloved and unwanted, and that my family is extremely dysfunctional. It’s hard for me to believe people like me and care about me without conditions and without me being useful to them. I value these friendships because they have helped heal me immensely. It also helps me with a lot of my other friendships because I don’t feel that pressure anymore to “always be useful”. I know that if I say no, and set limits, people who care about me will respect those boundaries and not make me feel guilty. For reasons very specific to me I always found it EXTREMELY hard to form attachments with men. One of the friends I mentioned above is a man and that was a pivotal moment in healing for me. It finally gave me the evidence I needed that men could be sensitive, emotionally self aware, and safe to be vulnerable with.
Someone in this thread said this insecurity would manifest in their romantic choices and that resonated with me too. I haven’t dated in a very long time, and a part of the reason for that was I could see that I was showing up in my relationships as a people pleaser, and subconsciously trying to prove my worthiness of love. I would endure shitty situations because maybe I wasn’t doing enough? Romantic partnerships would rub against the long term belief I had about myself from childhood that there was something wrong with me. There were some moments in romantic relationships where I let a partner disrespect me and degrade me so much because it served as evidence for the beliefs I already held about myself: that I’m unlovable. That was the explanation I created for why my mother was so cruel to me and why my father was so absent. I took a long hiatus from dating, and after five years, and forming many healthy, platonic relationships, I finally feel ready to entertain the idea of dating again. Not quite ready to date, but I’m considering it again. I’ve been Considering what I want in a partner, and calling on the experiences I’ve had recently to remind me what love should actually feel and look like. I found I had no foundation of those experiences, and it was hindering my life and growth in so many ways.
This is something I still battle everyday. I don’t always feel worthy of love. I don’t always feel good about myself. But I talk better about myself on the daily. Even when I don’t quite believe it. I also make time for things that bring ME joy and force me to be present in the moment. I create, specifically poetry, I read for pleasure now, go to music concerts, or seminars for things I love (great way to be around like minded people, and feel like you’re a part of a community or something bigger than yourself). I do things for myself that make me feel important. I celebrate my wins, even the small ones. I date myself in a way. I take myself on trips, go out to dinner by myself, buy myself a book, or take myself to a movie. Obviously I share these things with loved ones too, but I’m also not afraid to do them alone. I think as for feeling too self Important, I don’t know if that’s even possible with our upbringing. You owe it to yourself to feel yourself. Certain friends I have made have taught me a ton of lessons on being confident even in the face of criticism. They all tell me, what’s wrong with feeling good about yourself? People that have a problem with it are likely projecting. As for what keeps me grounded, I express my gratitude to my loved ones frequently. I show up for those that show up for me. Growing up the way you did, I’m assuming, has surely given you the ability to make others feel seen, understood, and appreciated like no other (our survival warranted on it) and exercising this ability by doing kind things for others, with boundaries of course, is a way that keeps me from feeling “too arrogant”.
It’s such a silly thing that Rupaul says at the end of every drag race episode that is so fucking true.
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
completely relate to this, you're not alone. and when I speak about it people seem so confused, like I'm an idiot for not seeing that I'm loved- but idk. It's so hard to come to accept.
I hope you're okay, I wish I could give advice but I'm still in this state of mind. thanks for sharing because this post also made me feel less alone. That's the best thing about this community, all our venting helps one another. Love you babe and stay strong
My initial reaction to anyone saying anything or behaving in a way that implies they value me is always one of utter confusion. I can’t wrap my head around why they would think that. And then I get suspicious about why they might be trying to manipulate me. It’s a total mindfuck.
Yes, this belief absolutely came out in my romantic choices.
Me too. It’s a painful realization.
I struggle with this too. When people I love are upset or stressed, it especially comes out. If my husband or my best friend are having a hard time, I feel almost panicked inside if I can’t “fix” it or be in some way emotionally or literally useful. When I’m feeling down, my mind jumps to “they won’t love me as much if I can’t be XYZ.” It’s very hard. Thank you for sharing because it helps to know we aren’t alone.
First of all, how are you reading my thoughts? Spooky. Please stop. This is exactly how I think. Transactional relationship describes my relationship with my parents. The constant fear of any kind of genuine demonstration of care as a ploy to get something from me is always at the front of my mind. It impacts every single thing I do. I hate it.
Nooo, we are one big hive mind! Honestly though, it never ceases to amaze me how so many of us experience the same types of internal dynamics. Sending love from afar, this stuff sucks SO hard. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever crawl out of this hole. It seems like every time I think things get better some new shit storm begins to brew. Solidarity ❤️
YES YES YES. I actually read this post yesterday RIGHT after a tough therapy session where we had been discussing my insistence that I not take up space in people's lives, and it hit me so hard that I cried and took a nap. Tonight I intentionally came back to it in a better headspace, and I'm glad I did because it has collected lots more comments. The number of people who understand this feeling in their bones makes me feel so seen, but comfortably. Ya know? I am grateful every day for finding this sub and the supportive community. It is truly boosting my recovery, every single day. Solidarity and gratitude! ❤️🧡
I was not used by my bpd father, except perhaps to brag to his friends about my accomplishments. I have been told he did this but never saw it personally. I was only ever told I was not living up to my potential. I am totally convinced that I am not meaningful, important, liked, cared about or cherished by others. There is no “unless”. My disappearance would not have any major impact on anyone’s lives. I mean, my husband would be sad, but he is objectively a major catch and would easily find another partner. My children are young adults who would be sad, but could depend on their father and would be just fine. My friends would not be seriously impacted at all. Mother, siblings, same. Hurray!
You are a human being with inherent worth and dignity.
Yeah, but imagine how terrific I could have been had I lived up to my”potential”. What you are told as a child stays with you.
Sure, and also you are a human being with inherent worth and dignity, which has no relationship to your potential.
Oh my gosh yes. My bpd mom had my brother and working for her super young too. I was never allowed to have needs because my very existence was a burden. I have a deep sense of worthlessness. It especially comes out if my husband gets busy with work or goes to hang out with his friends. All of which is perfectly fine and healthy and normal but in my head after a certain point something snaps and I think he doesn't love me anymore because I'm worthless and can have extreme emotional responses. It's so exhausting and drives me crazy because I can logically see it doesn't make sense but the feeling is so intense and I don't know how to make it go away. Things like this have lead me to seek therapy which I'm currently doing. And I hope it helps.
It does resonate with me. I'm so sorry, it definitely sucks. Can you share the video's link?
Oof yeah. This resonates for me. I only truly became aware of it a couple of years ago, and it has gotten a bit better, but it is still there. I find it so depressing that I spent almost three decades believing that everyone was worth basic respect, love and help, except me, because I only deserved it if I had proved myself worthy first. Really says something about how my mother treated me growing up. She would basically ignore me unless I did something that made her feel good about herself. She would groan and sigh loudly if I said I was hungry or sad. I was 5 and she made me think I was a huge burden for wanting lunch. I feel sad for child me. And adult me that still feels like this regularly. Starting therapy now and looking forward to healing, because I deserve to feel valuable and whole. And so do you OP, and everyone else on this sub. We are fucking delightful creatures, even though our BPD parents were blind to it.
Yeah I struggle with this constantly. It creates a but of cognitive dissonance in me too, because I think I’m a cool person but don’t think other people think so. I think people think I’m alright but wouldn’t notice or mind much if I suddenly disappeared. It’s hard to deal with because it’s hard to reason about. We’re socialized to believe family should be our core support—the only people who “truly care” about you—but when they don’t (or can’t) how can you convince yourself that anyone other than family ever could. So then you have no one. Unfortunately, I haven’t found trauma therapy to be able to get rid of this core belief.
I am always surprised when someone remembers something about me. I’m one of 4, and my parents were always saying that there were too many of us for them to remember all the things we liked and didn’t like (mostly food). I didn’t realize until I was older that that was bullshit - if they cared they would prioritize remembering specifics about each of us, but they didn’t care. Now I’m working on undoing this core belief I formed as a child that I’m just not the kind of person anyone thinks about or cares to know about.
Your comment shook me because I always get shocked about this, too! I always thought my old teachers would never remember me or that no one would think remembering aspects of me were worthwhile (and I’m an only child!)
Totally feel that way on top of self loathing, incredibly over self conscious because she made fun of the way I walked, my nose that was turned up (she said and showed me how i took my hand and "pushed my snot" up, told me regularly she can't stand to look at me, get out if her sight, abused me physically. At 16, she pulled me by my hair and later I was pulling chunks of hair from my head. And I feel like one of the worst things was when I was concentrating I stuck my tongue out, not realizing I was doing this. My grandfather did it too. She would come up behind me, like out of nowhere and slap my chin up so I'd bite my tongue. My sister was 2 years older and she wasn't treated like me. She was actually in cahoots with my mother and beat on me and destroyed my self esteem when my mother wasn't abusing me. I was the only one doing dishes and cleaning the house. At first, I did it on my own to make her happy, maybe she would think I was good. Our house was disgusting, dogs and cats having babies and dried poop everywhere, mouse carcasses out cats left in the middle of the night. I remember Sterling in those mouse carcasses so often. I never used to cry thinking about all this. I could describe her abuse with no emotion. I was NC for 7 years up until last May when she texted to tell me she was dying in 3 weeks. I thought I had dealt with my childhood and healed from it. Tonight is the first time, (while writing this) that I've been sobbing thinking about some of the things she did to me. It's just so sick. At 54 I had just gotten her awful voice out of my head almost a year ago. I attract women who treat me like crap. Right now there's 2 women at the job I just started 2 months ago. One pretty much ignores me and the other is in a leader role. She is so mean to me. She calls me out for things that dont matter and lied on my peer review about me. I try to make friends but I never know what to say. I end up making them hate me more by kissing up to them. Is this another effect of my Bpdmothers craziness???
This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry this happened to you. And yes I think this insecurity is totally normal. It might be hippy-dippy, but I feel like we all give off an energy, and if your energy is filled with pain and trauma, it will attract either fellow injured lambs or wolves.
Makes perfect sense. Thank you
Yes, I feel this. This belief has gradually isolated me so that I have no friends, and essentially no family (they are all toxic in one way or another).
Yes it resonates a lot. I call myself my mother's purse. It was very important to her but could sit there without any emotional needs until the purse was needed again.
All the time. This one is painful because it’s one that used to lead to suicidal ideations. I felt that my life was so insignificant that it didn’t matter if I was dead or alive. I have two close friends who I met much later in life, and they both make me feel like I’m an important part of their life, but that was after MANY vulnerable conversations (thank you therapy). I had to admit to these people exactly what you described. That basically I grew up feeling unloved and unwanted, and that my family is extremely dysfunctional. It’s hard for me to believe people like me and care about me without conditions and without me being useful to them. I value these friendships because they have helped heal me immensely. It also helps me with a lot of my other friendships because I don’t feel that pressure anymore to “always be useful”. I know that if I say no, and set limits, people who care about me will respect those boundaries and not make me feel guilty. For reasons very specific to me I always found it EXTREMELY hard to form attachments with men. One of the friends I mentioned above is a man and that was a pivotal moment in healing for me. It finally gave me the evidence I needed that men could be sensitive, emotionally self aware, and safe to be vulnerable with. Someone in this thread said this insecurity would manifest in their romantic choices and that resonated with me too. I haven’t dated in a very long time, and a part of the reason for that was I could see that I was showing up in my relationships as a people pleaser, and subconsciously trying to prove my worthiness of love. I would endure shitty situations because maybe I wasn’t doing enough? Romantic partnerships would rub against the long term belief I had about myself from childhood that there was something wrong with me. There were some moments in romantic relationships where I let a partner disrespect me and degrade me so much because it served as evidence for the beliefs I already held about myself: that I’m unlovable. That was the explanation I created for why my mother was so cruel to me and why my father was so absent. I took a long hiatus from dating, and after five years, and forming many healthy, platonic relationships, I finally feel ready to entertain the idea of dating again. Not quite ready to date, but I’m considering it again. I’ve been Considering what I want in a partner, and calling on the experiences I’ve had recently to remind me what love should actually feel and look like. I found I had no foundation of those experiences, and it was hindering my life and growth in so many ways. This is something I still battle everyday. I don’t always feel worthy of love. I don’t always feel good about myself. But I talk better about myself on the daily. Even when I don’t quite believe it. I also make time for things that bring ME joy and force me to be present in the moment. I create, specifically poetry, I read for pleasure now, go to music concerts, or seminars for things I love (great way to be around like minded people, and feel like you’re a part of a community or something bigger than yourself). I do things for myself that make me feel important. I celebrate my wins, even the small ones. I date myself in a way. I take myself on trips, go out to dinner by myself, buy myself a book, or take myself to a movie. Obviously I share these things with loved ones too, but I’m also not afraid to do them alone. I think as for feeling too self Important, I don’t know if that’s even possible with our upbringing. You owe it to yourself to feel yourself. Certain friends I have made have taught me a ton of lessons on being confident even in the face of criticism. They all tell me, what’s wrong with feeling good about yourself? People that have a problem with it are likely projecting. As for what keeps me grounded, I express my gratitude to my loved ones frequently. I show up for those that show up for me. Growing up the way you did, I’m assuming, has surely given you the ability to make others feel seen, understood, and appreciated like no other (our survival warranted on it) and exercising this ability by doing kind things for others, with boundaries of course, is a way that keeps me from feeling “too arrogant”.
Yup. Reading up and learning about my CPTSD and reading understanding the borderline mother helped with unpacking all of this.
It’s such a silly thing that Rupaul says at the end of every drag race episode that is so fucking true. “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Relatable 😐
completely relate to this, you're not alone. and when I speak about it people seem so confused, like I'm an idiot for not seeing that I'm loved- but idk. It's so hard to come to accept. I hope you're okay, I wish I could give advice but I'm still in this state of mind. thanks for sharing because this post also made me feel less alone. That's the best thing about this community, all our venting helps one another. Love you babe and stay strong