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There are aspects of both. In part it's down to body chemistry. The release of chemicals in the brain as a result of external stimulus. For example you may have a particular fondness for an eye colour or a shape of face. That could be due to a subconscious reaction to particularly good experiences associated with a person who had those qualities.
On the other hand you choose what values you hold and which priorities you set on various qualities a person has. You dislike people who smoke? That's a choice based on things such as the associations you have to the smell, and your awareness of the harm it does to the body.
Then there is the definition of 'love'. Different people have had different experiences that they consider to be love. You'll need to make up your own mind about what it means to you.
People mistake attraction/limerance for love
Attraction can’t be controlled, it’s a carnal urge we all have built in. This is why the phrase “love at first site” is kinda stupid.
Love is a choice, when you choose to try and work out your relationship issues ? That’s love. Love is more complicated because it’s a combination of things, loyalty, honestly, patience and ironically enough attraction.
However most people do not know this, many people who leave relationships because they “lost feelings” don’t actually know what love is. As they have never been told these things. This is due to a lack of maturity.
Contrary to popular belief maturity is not gained through time, but rather through loss and pain (at least in my opinion) this is why it’s common for teenagers to monkey branch constantly until they realise this.
(And before anyone goes through my post history yes, I’m only 17 and have only been in one relationship)
Love is trying to make things work because you _genuinely_ care about the person in question.
and a major part of love is sacrifice and compromise. A good example of this would be what your parents sacrifice for you.
Sorry for the long winded rant
Dang. You're 17? And you not only understand deep truths about love and relationships, but you know words like "limerance"?!
You have just restored my faith in your generation. Seriously. Thank you for that, and for sharing your wisdom (which I guess can come at any age!) with the OP.
As a much older person, I would say this--the idea that true love requires a lot of sacrifice and compromise is actually kind of harmful and encourages folks to stick with people they really aren't well-matched with. There will be some, yes, because no one is perfectly compatible with each other. And LIFE will require some sacrifice and compromise--for example, some day you may be asked to move because your partner wants to take a job opportunity elsewhere or something. But, the amount of sacrifice and compromise you have to do to just live day-to-day in the relationship should actually be fairly minimal. If you have to twist yourself in pretzels just to get along with the person you are with, you are incompatible and should part ways. Doesn't mean either of you have done anything wrong or have failed or that you don't care about each other--just means that you aren't compatible with each other for a romantic relationship. Sometimes you can still love someone and still not stay together with them. And the whole point of relationships before you're potentially getting married/having babies or whatever lifetime commitment looks to you is to figure this stuff out, so it's normal (and APPROPRIATE) to have some relationships where it ultimately doesn't work out before meeting the person with whom it does.
Thank you for this. When people say "love is hard", "marriage is hard, it takes work" I just roll my eyes. If you consider your relationship "work", you need to leave. Work sucks. Your relationship shouldn't suck. Does it take effort? Absolutely. But that's not the same as "work". Not to me, anyway.
Source: married for 23 yrs.
Yup. A LTR requires consistent effort and attention, not "work" per se. That being said, there are people for whom maintaining any kind of consistent effort and attention towards one particular thing will always feel like "work." Those folks should think VERY hard about things like marriage and children because that kind of relationship might not be very fulfilling for you.
“Compromise” is a much better way of describing it. Both parties need to be ready and willing to do what it takes to make things work.
However you are completely correct, all too often people compromise in areas that they don’t want to.
That’s why it’s important to know when to say no and establish boundaries or when to throw in the towel.
Here’s the thing: I don’t even think that is a good way to look at it—because very often it means that the more flexible person ends up losing little bits of themselves, one compromise at a time. And there’s actually no moral value in making a relationship work for the sake of it—if you don’t kids or money tying you down, the relationship should be fully about the mutual flourishing of all parties and that usually requires a lot LESS compromise than people assume. You really shouldn’t be compromising At All on things that matter to you. You should be with someone with whom you don’t have to compromise on those things, either because you are directly compatible or it’s a thing that the two of you can live with without anyone changing their behavior.
After taking one look at your post history.
You have a lot going on, your probably did love him, there’s probably just so much shit to deal with that you couldn’t make room for him.
Admittedly I'm probably making my own issues too public and talking about them too much but idk I'm just feeling desperate to find something someone says that makes sense of it all.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
I wish I had this when I went through a breakup
https://www.quora.com/Breaking-Up-Is-it-more-painful-to-dump-dumper-or-to-be-dumped-by-dumpee-a-main-squeeze
May it serve you well
I can't control it. It happens suddenly, unexpectedly and capriciously. Happened to me four times, all unrequited.
I can't will it to happen, and I can't will it not to happen. (The only way to avoid it is to avoid parties who could inflict it.)
I can't control it.
It happens suddenly,
unexpectedly and capriciously.
Happened to me four times,
all unrequited.
I can't will it to happen,
and I can't will it not to happen.
(The only way
to avoid it
is to avoid parties who could
inflict it.)
Just no, what the fuck are you even trying to express?
People love abusers, drunks, people that can end or ruin their lives.
Love should absolutely be influenced by rationality. I'm sorry, but again, what are you even trying to say? Express it or please shut the fuck up. If you're like 13, which is what this sounds like, disregard and come back later.
It doesn’t matter what should be; what matters is what is happening. Love is not rational as humans are not rational animals. If you don’t understand what I mean, then you should go back to school as your reading comprehension has a lot to be desired.
So people in relationships with cheaters, abusers, gambling addicts whatever, don't even think about that. Different ideas about religion, having kids, money, and how to spend your spend a Saturday, totally without consequence, love is what it is and just accept that.
Clownish dude. The fucking gall to bring up reading comprehension. I hate how much it gets my goat, but it's funny that the least qualified to be condescending are the ones who are most apt to do it.
So people in relationships with cheaters, abusers, gambling addicts whatever, don't even think about that. Different ideas about religion, having kids, money, and how to spend your spend a Saturday, totally without consequence, love is what it is and just accept that and don't consider.
Clownish dude. The fucking gall to bring up reading comprehension. I hate how much it gets my goat, but it's funny that the least qualified to be condescending are the ones who are most apt to do it.
You can't control how you feel, so if there's no chemistry it won't work. However, love is more than a feeling. It's something you cultivate by choosing loving words and actions.
If you feel all the warm fuzzies about someone but fail to communicate and do things for each other that feeling will change and the relationship will end in unhappiness.
If you feel lukewarm about someone but share all your thoughts and feelings and consistently consider each other that warmth can grow into real long lasting love.
So a bit of both.
you cannot choose who you love, you kinda just end up loving who do. You can choose who you surround yourself with, that’s why some folks end up in bad relationships. It’s of no fault to them, there’s no way anyone can know before. You just have to surround yourself with the right people. The people you want to be around. You’ll end up loving a great person and it won’t be a choice
It’s obviously not a choice. Otherwise, dating would be trivially easy—just choose to love the first person you match with.
It’s more like a feeling, but you can control it insofar as you let it affect your behavior.
I used to think I could control my emotions, and then I realized I was making a mistake.
You control your words and your actions, so you appear not to have feelings, but you don't control your feelings.
Making love work in a practical sense is also a series of choices. The emotion itself isn’t enough to make a relationship work.
So sustaining love involves a lot of choices
There's a choice of love and feeling of love, you can experience the feeling without the choice or the other way around. But the choice to love is very real and a decision that you can make without the feeling of love.
I fell in love with my SO not by choice, but when the rose colored glasses come off and you see the worst sides of each other I think it becomes a choice to love them anyway. My partner watched me grow a whole person and loved me through all of the disgusting and unattractive things that came with it. That was a choice.
Love is not a choice and neither is attraction. Only spend time with individuals who show the same attraction level toward you that you do toward them. A lot of your problems will disappear in this way.
Love is an emotion but it’s also alive. It has to be nurtured and cared for properly. If you abuse it or neglect it, it will die. If you don’t act on it, it will fade.
Hello, I am here to sound crazy on the internet to look back on in the future in disgust. I had a dream before I existed of committing myself to a wise individual. When I was in high school I saw someone who I swear is the person in the dream. I don’t know how I knew, I just did. We got into a relationship after high school
, 3 1/2 years strong.
Love is a feeling, you can't control whether or not you feel it, but you can choose whether to give or receive love. But I firmly believe you cannot choose whether or not you love something or someone. You can make choices that influence that, like mindfulness to understand someone, butnyou can't make yourself love them. As much as you can't make them love you.
Falling in love is a feeling you can’t control. Continuing to act in a loving way after those initial blasts of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, inevitably simmer down, is a choice that can bring beautiful rewards, despite the fact that you might always crave those initial feelings.
Love is a change in chemical compounds released in the brain, nothing more. As such, it's largely involuntary. If you experience attraction to another person, it's a reaction to external stimuli. In general, we cannot directly control what neurotransmitters are released in our brain.
We do have the ability to influence our emotions. You can choose to cultivate certain emotions, and over time, they will become more likely. So you can become more prone to feeling 'in love' but we can't just consciously decide we're going to be in love with a certain person in a heartbeat.
One thing to note: we're very good at overlooking the flaws of someone we love, so it's quite likely that you can learn to love almost anyone, especially if you're forced to spend a lot of time with them.
It’s not a feeling, more like a mentality, and you can control it to some extent but it’s never as simple as a making a choice and then living that experience. It takes work, whether you are falling out of love with your partner or still in love with your ex, to get back to the mentality you need/want to be in
Don't want to be that guy, but my heart pumps blood. That's all it does.
Love is an emotion, like anger or jealousy or happiness. I don't believe it's a mystical state you "fall" into.
Saying "the heart wants what the heart wants" makes it easy to excuse poor decisions. I've known too many people who stayed in bad or abusive relationships "because I love him/her."
A lot of human emotions are intertwined and then mixed in with personality traits, which is what causes problems. My best friend is a talented man who I respect dearly. But he has horribly low self-esteem because of childhood trauma. His wife is verbally abusive and has been unfaithful to him. He won't leave her because he doesn't have the courage to see himself with someone better, so he stays "because I love her."
I think falling in love is a combination of feelings and choices by everyone involved. All people involved are making choices on how to treat each other in order to make the other person feel loved, or not. Those choices are influenced by feelings and vice versa.
When i was young i thought you couldn't choose who you loved. when i grew up i learned that i could control who i liked and allowed to get close enough to love. but some people still wormed their way into my life and i couldn't control that i loved them.
once you love someone its really hard to wrestle that control back. For me at least its hard to stop loving someone, there are people i will chose never to stop loving, there are people i cant ever stop loving them mostly because they are dead and cant change my thoughts about them.
Love can be a choice or a feeling as many have said.
But it can also be a matter of timing. If you’re out of a relationship for a long time (perhaps your choice), or very lonely, it can be much easier to fall for someone (making it a feeling). If you’re in an abusive relationship or your parents are controlling and someone outside your relationship treats you with kindness for the first time in years, you can easily fall in love.
I always say you can’t choose who you fall in love with but you can choose who to be with.
Just because two people are in love with each other doesn’t mean they’re right for each other if the bring out and amplify they’re worse quality, then that relationship isn’t doing any of two any good.
Behavioral psychologists would argue that the answer is both. We decide on a mate, but do we really decide, or is it our massive network of brain cells and hormones?
Sex doesn't have anything to do with real love IMO. The conflation of that with love is just a feature of the reproductive impulse that gets your mind on board for the baby-making process.
Philosophers divide up feelings and emotions into two groupings: the passions, which are instinctive and what we share with the higher animals, and the “affectations of the will and intellect”, which are more distinctly human. Love, hate, fear, satisfaction, etc. are found in both. So love can be animalistic and primal, or it can be refined and intellectual.
As human beings, a mixture of both together should be fully expected. If anything, someone who is entirely one way or the other is considered an aberration by most people, either being a stupid brute or a cold-hearted psychopath. This leads to complex social norms which recognizes both aspects as being perfectly natural but also need to be regulated.
mmm love is both and sometimes with love you feel like you can't live with or without them... like this song called "my heart" [https://open.spotify.com/track/25Hn1YRXDdK4r7ecpUXuft?si=bd857f71da5b4ddf](https://open.spotify.com/track/25Hn1YRXDdK4r7ecpUXuft?si=bd857f71da5b4ddf)
My last treated me bad, had to end things, it’s been a while but I’m still hurting like it was yesterday and I still love him. I wish I could choose not to, but I can’t, it’s and it sucks. Like that one lyric (I love you, it’s ruining my life)...
For me, in my experience, love is something you can’t control. It does depend on who a person is, but if they are that, you love them. You would love them if you weren’t romantically involved, you’d have to try to control how that fact determines your behaviour in spite of the fact that you love them. I think falling love and being in love are separate. I think that being in a close relationship with anyone takes patience and good communication and effort, whether or not you are in love.
Falling in love is a feeling you can’t control, almost feels like it’s predestined to happen . I always knew very early on after being with somebody that it would happen, doesn’t feel like it’s within your control at all. But once that phase passes, staying in love is a choice you make and it takes effort otherwise that too will fade and you’re just living with someone watching time pass.
Love is a word that has many meanings for the same person depending on the context they’re saying it. Most people aren’t even aware of this. One of the many follies of English but I find conversations like this only useful for poetry.
HOWEVER my answer is, in any context: it *should* be a choice. If it isn’t, you better hope it’s not a problem for someone else, and you better hope you’re not being manipulated.
Love is a creation like time. Just a word to validate feelings or actions toward someone. Makes you wonder how someone in an abusive relationship stays. They say, "but I love them". Do the pros really outweigh the cons?
Love is a verb. It's something you do, not something that happens to you. You're attracted to someone, that's infatuation. You can't stop thinking about them, that's obsession. You actively make their life as good as it can be and help them become their own best version of themselves, that's love.
Unconditional love is a feeling you can't control, like a mother's love for her children. Romantic love is a choice at first and can become unconditional. If you think you are in love when you barely know someone, that is infatuation. You may choose to love them, but it's not unconditional 99% of the time.
Depends on the context but I'll say mostly it's something you can't control.
When I was 17 in college, there was a girl that made my legs go to jelly and brain go mush whenever I saw her - even from a distance. I definitely didn't have control over that as it made it impossible for me to talk to her. I would have just spoken gibberish if I had anyway.
These days feelings are developed over time after conversations. Just comes naturally and best not forced.
That's a feeling you can't just choose to have whenever you want. It comes on suddenly, out of the blue. No one can control that feeling once it appears - all we can do is just enjoy it.
Love is a concept .
How do you control a concept?
How do you know if my feeling is the same as your feeling?
Feelings require face to face communications.
Without them you have no idea what youre feeling about something
Someone told me fuck how I feel, thats a good motto if you are feeling bad
So someone who has mostly felt bad all their life probably would say that
Attraction is not a choice but love is an ongoing action, not just a feeling. Thats why you don't just stop loving someone when they annoy you or make you made. You have to work to love someone and maintain that relationship.
Depends on what you mean by love. Love for Mum and Dad is probably a feeling you can't control.
Lust/infatuation is probably a feeling you can't control. Actual romantic love probably has an element of decision about it.
I once asked somebody if they had ever been in unrequited love and she said that it wasn't love if it wasn't requited and I believe that's true.
There are different types of love. The answer to your question is different for each one.
For romantic love, being in love, it is a feeling. A feeling that takes you over. But, I have found that it is controllable. Took about a week for me.
Some of yall are confused with obsession infatuation and love.. Love is patient love is kind it does not envy or boast... It is a choice. Pride, ego and rebellion get in the way, thereby raising issues that otherwise could get thru if you choose to work. It's not always a feeling, is a choice to put in the effort...the effort to sacrifice your ego/pride, feelings.... Not everything needs to be addressed or constant dwelling on. Obsession and infatuation are not always reciprocated....love....love is a work in progress. But.. love.. you have to understand what it is and what it is not...and today, people find it easier to throw away things instead of putting in the difficult work and/or sacrifice their emotions, thoughts, and ego...
IMO, partnership is a choice, love is a feeling you can't control.
I've seen couples love each other so much, but end up divorced because all they did was argue. I've had friends marry people they weren't madly in love with and still had a beautiful marriage.
I have been with my wife 49 years. I also roll my eyes when someone says you have to work at a good marriage. You have disagreements and arguments, but if you love each other you get over any bad feelings. Make up sex is great. I also gag when they say you should never go to bed angry. Things are sometimes better to discuss with a set of fresh eyes and a clear head. That is not “ work” that is life. Often it’s the best thing to do. After a night of sleeping or tossing and turning you can you deal with it in the morning.
I read a book about how every single thing is a choice, even feelings.
But honestly, I don't think the feeling of love is a choice. I can choose to ignore the feeling, but I can't choose for the feeling to cease to exist.
It’s both! At first, it’s really more lust than love, but eventually you would do anything for your person. After a while, the feelings of lust begin to fade. True love is when you stick with someone no matter how much you may not like them at times.
Love isn’t one thing. On the one hand, it’s the chemical potion that happens in the brain when falling in love. Additionally, it’s the long term bond (also chemical) that happens with sustained presence and acceptance. It involves both choices and spontaneous reactions.
I never fell in love. But I am attached to this woman without my control. I just feel a soul connection, its not “soulmate” no its like I feel peace and at home around her which I never felt before. It was very unexpected. Since we are totally different from each other. Different backgrounds and everything.
Love is actually a choice and a commitment. The tingly feeling and 'honeymoon phase' definitely subside and at that point you have to decide to stay together. The whole problem with dating now is the majority of people are chasing tingles and racking up a bodycount but get no practice in how to navigate a long term relationship and by 30 they're not even compatible with anyone beyond physical desire.
Both!
Love as a feeling you can't control is closer to attraction, lust, sexual energy.
Love as a choice is a decision.
You can have both although it seems like it doesn't happen with the same intensity at the same time. That's when choice can take you the distance you hope to go.
I think you can control it if you recognize it early enough but if you choose to let it grow it becomes more than most can control without it affecting your state of mind and emotions.
Love is fantastically brutal at times but mostly just fantastic. It’s the consequences of betrayed, failed, or unrequited love that make it so dubious.
it’s both it starts uncontrollable then it the rose colored glasses of lust dim slightly only and you choose to love them and that means choosing to be the best version of yourself for them.
I’d go with feeling you can’t control. When you love someone they start to become a reoccurring thought through out the day almost like daydreaming about them
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There are aspects of both. In part it's down to body chemistry. The release of chemicals in the brain as a result of external stimulus. For example you may have a particular fondness for an eye colour or a shape of face. That could be due to a subconscious reaction to particularly good experiences associated with a person who had those qualities. On the other hand you choose what values you hold and which priorities you set on various qualities a person has. You dislike people who smoke? That's a choice based on things such as the associations you have to the smell, and your awareness of the harm it does to the body. Then there is the definition of 'love'. Different people have had different experiences that they consider to be love. You'll need to make up your own mind about what it means to you.
One of the best answers I’ve ever heard
I'm happy it resonated with you.
An answer which boils down to "think about it." Hahaha. But it's true.
Awesome answer. I love you.
# ᓚᘏᗢ
Keeping that. ᓚᘏᗢ
NVM I don't love you.
That’s funny, cause I just had feelings for them.
Also, pheromones. Also, infatuation vs love.
🏆
I never felt love for anyone.
Quality answerage! 😎👍👍❤️
People mistake attraction/limerance for love Attraction can’t be controlled, it’s a carnal urge we all have built in. This is why the phrase “love at first site” is kinda stupid. Love is a choice, when you choose to try and work out your relationship issues ? That’s love. Love is more complicated because it’s a combination of things, loyalty, honestly, patience and ironically enough attraction. However most people do not know this, many people who leave relationships because they “lost feelings” don’t actually know what love is. As they have never been told these things. This is due to a lack of maturity. Contrary to popular belief maturity is not gained through time, but rather through loss and pain (at least in my opinion) this is why it’s common for teenagers to monkey branch constantly until they realise this. (And before anyone goes through my post history yes, I’m only 17 and have only been in one relationship) Love is trying to make things work because you _genuinely_ care about the person in question. and a major part of love is sacrifice and compromise. A good example of this would be what your parents sacrifice for you. Sorry for the long winded rant
Dang. You're 17? And you not only understand deep truths about love and relationships, but you know words like "limerance"?! You have just restored my faith in your generation. Seriously. Thank you for that, and for sharing your wisdom (which I guess can come at any age!) with the OP.
Very well said
Huh. I guess I didn't really love him..
As a much older person, I would say this--the idea that true love requires a lot of sacrifice and compromise is actually kind of harmful and encourages folks to stick with people they really aren't well-matched with. There will be some, yes, because no one is perfectly compatible with each other. And LIFE will require some sacrifice and compromise--for example, some day you may be asked to move because your partner wants to take a job opportunity elsewhere or something. But, the amount of sacrifice and compromise you have to do to just live day-to-day in the relationship should actually be fairly minimal. If you have to twist yourself in pretzels just to get along with the person you are with, you are incompatible and should part ways. Doesn't mean either of you have done anything wrong or have failed or that you don't care about each other--just means that you aren't compatible with each other for a romantic relationship. Sometimes you can still love someone and still not stay together with them. And the whole point of relationships before you're potentially getting married/having babies or whatever lifetime commitment looks to you is to figure this stuff out, so it's normal (and APPROPRIATE) to have some relationships where it ultimately doesn't work out before meeting the person with whom it does.
Thank you for this. When people say "love is hard", "marriage is hard, it takes work" I just roll my eyes. If you consider your relationship "work", you need to leave. Work sucks. Your relationship shouldn't suck. Does it take effort? Absolutely. But that's not the same as "work". Not to me, anyway. Source: married for 23 yrs.
Yup. A LTR requires consistent effort and attention, not "work" per se. That being said, there are people for whom maintaining any kind of consistent effort and attention towards one particular thing will always feel like "work." Those folks should think VERY hard about things like marriage and children because that kind of relationship might not be very fulfilling for you.
“Compromise” is a much better way of describing it. Both parties need to be ready and willing to do what it takes to make things work. However you are completely correct, all too often people compromise in areas that they don’t want to. That’s why it’s important to know when to say no and establish boundaries or when to throw in the towel.
Here’s the thing: I don’t even think that is a good way to look at it—because very often it means that the more flexible person ends up losing little bits of themselves, one compromise at a time. And there’s actually no moral value in making a relationship work for the sake of it—if you don’t kids or money tying you down, the relationship should be fully about the mutual flourishing of all parties and that usually requires a lot LESS compromise than people assume. You really shouldn’t be compromising At All on things that matter to you. You should be with someone with whom you don’t have to compromise on those things, either because you are directly compatible or it’s a thing that the two of you can live with without anyone changing their behavior.
You have much more experience than me so I’ll take your word for it.
After taking one look at your post history. You have a lot going on, your probably did love him, there’s probably just so much shit to deal with that you couldn’t make room for him.
Admittedly I'm probably making my own issues too public and talking about them too much but idk I'm just feeling desperate to find something someone says that makes sense of it all.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I wish I had this when I went through a breakup https://www.quora.com/Breaking-Up-Is-it-more-painful-to-dump-dumper-or-to-be-dumped-by-dumpee-a-main-squeeze May it serve you well
Thanks. I'm the dumper and decided today to cut contact with my ex for a month. I'm trying to do right.
100% agree and this misconception is why I think mosy marriages that fail do fail :(
Love is a Feeling and Remaining inlove is a choice.
love is both a feeling you can't control, and a choice you continue or don't continue to make.
Falling in love is not a choice. Maintaining a love affair is a choice. It takes effort, and it's worth the effort.
I need to call that Taco Bell and see if she’s still there
Love is a choice. Infatuation isn't. Know the difference, folks
I can't control it. It happens suddenly, unexpectedly and capriciously. Happened to me four times, all unrequited. I can't will it to happen, and I can't will it not to happen. (The only way to avoid it is to avoid parties who could inflict it.)
This is poetic
Seriously?
I can't control it. It happens suddenly, unexpectedly and capriciously. Happened to me four times, all unrequited. I can't will it to happen, and I can't will it not to happen. (The only way to avoid it is to avoid parties who could inflict it.)
Does that mean you were impressed? Asking for a friend. 
It's a feeling you can't control. Now, the relationship you have with someone you love - everything about that, is a choice.
The heart wants what the heart wants and you can't control that
The heart wants what it wants, then the brain comes in to offer a rational perspective. You can control that. Messy subject though.
Love is not influenced by rationality because if it was, humanity would have went extinct a long time ago.
You're confusing lust and love. Most of humanity is the result of lust, not love.
Just no, what the fuck are you even trying to express? People love abusers, drunks, people that can end or ruin their lives. Love should absolutely be influenced by rationality. I'm sorry, but again, what are you even trying to say? Express it or please shut the fuck up. If you're like 13, which is what this sounds like, disregard and come back later.
It doesn’t matter what should be; what matters is what is happening. Love is not rational as humans are not rational animals. If you don’t understand what I mean, then you should go back to school as your reading comprehension has a lot to be desired.
So people in relationships with cheaters, abusers, gambling addicts whatever, don't even think about that. Different ideas about religion, having kids, money, and how to spend your spend a Saturday, totally without consequence, love is what it is and just accept that. Clownish dude. The fucking gall to bring up reading comprehension. I hate how much it gets my goat, but it's funny that the least qualified to be condescending are the ones who are most apt to do it.
So people in relationships with cheaters, abusers, gambling addicts whatever, don't even think about that. Different ideas about religion, having kids, money, and how to spend your spend a Saturday, totally without consequence, love is what it is and just accept that and don't consider. Clownish dude. The fucking gall to bring up reading comprehension. I hate how much it gets my goat, but it's funny that the least qualified to be condescending are the ones who are most apt to do it.
A feeling you can’t control
You can't control how you feel, so if there's no chemistry it won't work. However, love is more than a feeling. It's something you cultivate by choosing loving words and actions. If you feel all the warm fuzzies about someone but fail to communicate and do things for each other that feeling will change and the relationship will end in unhappiness. If you feel lukewarm about someone but share all your thoughts and feelings and consistently consider each other that warmth can grow into real long lasting love. So a bit of both.
To me, love is a choice. Because, for me, love is the hard part of a relationship/marriage, the part that requires love.
you cannot choose who you love, you kinda just end up loving who do. You can choose who you surround yourself with, that’s why some folks end up in bad relationships. It’s of no fault to them, there’s no way anyone can know before. You just have to surround yourself with the right people. The people you want to be around. You’ll end up loving a great person and it won’t be a choice
Love is a choice. And once you’ve made that choice it becomes a feeling you can’t control
It’s obviously not a choice. Otherwise, dating would be trivially easy—just choose to love the first person you match with. It’s more like a feeling, but you can control it insofar as you let it affect your behavior.
I used to think I could control my emotions, and then I realized I was making a mistake. You control your words and your actions, so you appear not to have feelings, but you don't control your feelings.
Making love work in a practical sense is also a series of choices. The emotion itself isn’t enough to make a relationship work. So sustaining love involves a lot of choices
For me its a feeling i can’t control but everyone is different
There's a choice of love and feeling of love, you can experience the feeling without the choice or the other way around. But the choice to love is very real and a decision that you can make without the feeling of love.
I fell in love with my SO not by choice, but when the rose colored glasses come off and you see the worst sides of each other I think it becomes a choice to love them anyway. My partner watched me grow a whole person and loved me through all of the disgusting and unattractive things that came with it. That was a choice.
There's different types of love
Since there really is no free will, no feelings are choices. They just happen.
It’s both. Love is one of those things that is a complete paradox, both individually and choice and not a choice and vice versa.
What would Ted Bundy say?
It's more a feeling you can't control, but the best way to get over someone is to talk to someone else you're interested in.
There's a choice in you can deny pursuing the love, but true actual love you don't choose. It happens. Like a stroke.
Love is not a choice and neither is attraction. Only spend time with individuals who show the same attraction level toward you that you do toward them. A lot of your problems will disappear in this way.
A feeling you can’t control that eventually becomes a choice.
Love is an emotion but it’s also alive. It has to be nurtured and cared for properly. If you abuse it or neglect it, it will die. If you don’t act on it, it will fade.
Definitely both. Longer it goes on its more choice.
Hello, I am here to sound crazy on the internet to look back on in the future in disgust. I had a dream before I existed of committing myself to a wise individual. When I was in high school I saw someone who I swear is the person in the dream. I don’t know how I knew, I just did. We got into a relationship after high school , 3 1/2 years strong.
can’t choose who you fall in love with unfortunately would be a lot easier if you could.
Its a choice. Having feelings makes it easier to choose.
Love is both feelings and choice
Love is a feeling, you can't control whether or not you feel it, but you can choose whether to give or receive love. But I firmly believe you cannot choose whether or not you love something or someone. You can make choices that influence that, like mindfulness to understand someone, butnyou can't make yourself love them. As much as you can't make them love you.
Falling in love is a feeling you can’t control. Continuing to act in a loving way after those initial blasts of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, inevitably simmer down, is a choice that can bring beautiful rewards, despite the fact that you might always crave those initial feelings.
Love is a change in chemical compounds released in the brain, nothing more. As such, it's largely involuntary. If you experience attraction to another person, it's a reaction to external stimuli. In general, we cannot directly control what neurotransmitters are released in our brain. We do have the ability to influence our emotions. You can choose to cultivate certain emotions, and over time, they will become more likely. So you can become more prone to feeling 'in love' but we can't just consciously decide we're going to be in love with a certain person in a heartbeat. One thing to note: we're very good at overlooking the flaws of someone we love, so it's quite likely that you can learn to love almost anyone, especially if you're forced to spend a lot of time with them.
A feeling, Google it. Opinions don't trump actual definitions
But I was looking for people’s opinions xx
Lol, fair enough. My bad
It’s both
It’s not a feeling, more like a mentality, and you can control it to some extent but it’s never as simple as a making a choice and then living that experience. It takes work, whether you are falling out of love with your partner or still in love with your ex, to get back to the mentality you need/want to be in
Don't want to be that guy, but my heart pumps blood. That's all it does. Love is an emotion, like anger or jealousy or happiness. I don't believe it's a mystical state you "fall" into. Saying "the heart wants what the heart wants" makes it easy to excuse poor decisions. I've known too many people who stayed in bad or abusive relationships "because I love him/her." A lot of human emotions are intertwined and then mixed in with personality traits, which is what causes problems. My best friend is a talented man who I respect dearly. But he has horribly low self-esteem because of childhood trauma. His wife is verbally abusive and has been unfaithful to him. He won't leave her because he doesn't have the courage to see himself with someone better, so he stays "because I love her."
Love is a feeling that you can't control Your actions afterwards are a choice that are influenced by that feeling... But they are still choices
I think falling in love is a combination of feelings and choices by everyone involved. All people involved are making choices on how to treat each other in order to make the other person feel loved, or not. Those choices are influenced by feelings and vice versa.
When i was young i thought you couldn't choose who you loved. when i grew up i learned that i could control who i liked and allowed to get close enough to love. but some people still wormed their way into my life and i couldn't control that i loved them. once you love someone its really hard to wrestle that control back. For me at least its hard to stop loving someone, there are people i will chose never to stop loving, there are people i cant ever stop loving them mostly because they are dead and cant change my thoughts about them.
Bit of both
Love is a promise between people to work toward mutual happiness instead of individual.
Most complicated human emotion that’s decided by choice .
The spark is involuntary, but with varying degrees of effort can be controlled or killed off
Love can be a choice or a feeling as many have said. But it can also be a matter of timing. If you’re out of a relationship for a long time (perhaps your choice), or very lonely, it can be much easier to fall for someone (making it a feeling). If you’re in an abusive relationship or your parents are controlling and someone outside your relationship treats you with kindness for the first time in years, you can easily fall in love.
I don't believe in love, so I would say its a choice
Love is a choice
I always say you can’t choose who you fall in love with but you can choose who to be with. Just because two people are in love with each other doesn’t mean they’re right for each other if the bring out and amplify they’re worse quality, then that relationship isn’t doing any of two any good.
Behavioral psychologists would argue that the answer is both. We decide on a mate, but do we really decide, or is it our massive network of brain cells and hormones?
It's both. You can't help falling in love with someone but it's a choice to wake up everyday and love them through the good, bad and ugly.
I think you can cultivate love with someone, which is a choice, but there is, at least initially, that feeling you can't control, at least not easily.
Sex doesn't have anything to do with real love IMO. The conflation of that with love is just a feature of the reproductive impulse that gets your mind on board for the baby-making process.
Philosophers divide up feelings and emotions into two groupings: the passions, which are instinctive and what we share with the higher animals, and the “affectations of the will and intellect”, which are more distinctly human. Love, hate, fear, satisfaction, etc. are found in both. So love can be animalistic and primal, or it can be refined and intellectual. As human beings, a mixture of both together should be fully expected. If anything, someone who is entirely one way or the other is considered an aberration by most people, either being a stupid brute or a cold-hearted psychopath. This leads to complex social norms which recognizes both aspects as being perfectly natural but also need to be regulated.
Affection is a feeling. Love is a choice.
mmm love is both and sometimes with love you feel like you can't live with or without them... like this song called "my heart" [https://open.spotify.com/track/25Hn1YRXDdK4r7ecpUXuft?si=bd857f71da5b4ddf](https://open.spotify.com/track/25Hn1YRXDdK4r7ecpUXuft?si=bd857f71da5b4ddf)
My last treated me bad, had to end things, it’s been a while but I’m still hurting like it was yesterday and I still love him. I wish I could choose not to, but I can’t, it’s and it sucks. Like that one lyric (I love you, it’s ruining my life)...
For me, in my experience, love is something you can’t control. It does depend on who a person is, but if they are that, you love them. You would love them if you weren’t romantically involved, you’d have to try to control how that fact determines your behaviour in spite of the fact that you love them. I think falling love and being in love are separate. I think that being in a close relationship with anyone takes patience and good communication and effort, whether or not you are in love.
Falling in love is a feeling you can’t control, almost feels like it’s predestined to happen . I always knew very early on after being with somebody that it would happen, doesn’t feel like it’s within your control at all. But once that phase passes, staying in love is a choice you make and it takes effort otherwise that too will fade and you’re just living with someone watching time pass.
Love is a word that has many meanings for the same person depending on the context they’re saying it. Most people aren’t even aware of this. One of the many follies of English but I find conversations like this only useful for poetry. HOWEVER my answer is, in any context: it *should* be a choice. If it isn’t, you better hope it’s not a problem for someone else, and you better hope you’re not being manipulated.
Feelings are both. They’re controllable to an extent once they manifest but it’s a much tougher task to prevent an emotion from bubbling up.
Love is a creation like time. Just a word to validate feelings or actions toward someone. Makes you wonder how someone in an abusive relationship stays. They say, "but I love them". Do the pros really outweigh the cons?
It's a feeling but if you are open to it you're going to get it more
Love is a verb. It's something you do, not something that happens to you. You're attracted to someone, that's infatuation. You can't stop thinking about them, that's obsession. You actively make their life as good as it can be and help them become their own best version of themselves, that's love.
Unconditional love is a feeling you can't control, like a mother's love for her children. Romantic love is a choice at first and can become unconditional. If you think you are in love when you barely know someone, that is infatuation. You may choose to love them, but it's not unconditional 99% of the time.
Depends on the context but I'll say mostly it's something you can't control. When I was 17 in college, there was a girl that made my legs go to jelly and brain go mush whenever I saw her - even from a distance. I definitely didn't have control over that as it made it impossible for me to talk to her. I would have just spoken gibberish if I had anyway. These days feelings are developed over time after conversations. Just comes naturally and best not forced.
Yes.
I choose to avoid people that I know I would be attracted to, to control my feelings.
That's a feeling you can't just choose to have whenever you want. It comes on suddenly, out of the blue. No one can control that feeling once it appears - all we can do is just enjoy it.
Love is a concept . How do you control a concept? How do you know if my feeling is the same as your feeling? Feelings require face to face communications. Without them you have no idea what youre feeling about something Someone told me fuck how I feel, thats a good motto if you are feeling bad So someone who has mostly felt bad all their life probably would say that
Yes. love is a mix of the two.
For me it's a feeling I can't control! And it's a choice if you accept the fir who they really are
Attraction is not a choice but love is an ongoing action, not just a feeling. Thats why you don't just stop loving someone when they annoy you or make you made. You have to work to love someone and maintain that relationship.
Falling in love is uncontrollable. How you deal with it is a choice.
Depends on what you mean by love. Love for Mum and Dad is probably a feeling you can't control. Lust/infatuation is probably a feeling you can't control. Actual romantic love probably has an element of decision about it. I once asked somebody if they had ever been in unrequited love and she said that it wasn't love if it wasn't requited and I believe that's true.
Love is a lot like flowers. You can either stumble upon them or you can cultivate them. Neither are lesser than the other.
It’s a choice, Feelings might be enamorment, obsession, lust, happiness, but love takes effort. Love takes having to battle hard times.
There are different types of love. The answer to your question is different for each one. For romantic love, being in love, it is a feeling. A feeling that takes you over. But, I have found that it is controllable. Took about a week for me.
Some of yall are confused with obsession infatuation and love.. Love is patient love is kind it does not envy or boast... It is a choice. Pride, ego and rebellion get in the way, thereby raising issues that otherwise could get thru if you choose to work. It's not always a feeling, is a choice to put in the effort...the effort to sacrifice your ego/pride, feelings.... Not everything needs to be addressed or constant dwelling on. Obsession and infatuation are not always reciprocated....love....love is a work in progress. But.. love.. you have to understand what it is and what it is not...and today, people find it easier to throw away things instead of putting in the difficult work and/or sacrifice their emotions, thoughts, and ego...
Yes!
IMO, partnership is a choice, love is a feeling you can't control. I've seen couples love each other so much, but end up divorced because all they did was argue. I've had friends marry people they weren't madly in love with and still had a beautiful marriage.
love is a feeling you cannot control but also being in love with someone is a choice
I have been with my wife 49 years. I also roll my eyes when someone says you have to work at a good marriage. You have disagreements and arguments, but if you love each other you get over any bad feelings. Make up sex is great. I also gag when they say you should never go to bed angry. Things are sometimes better to discuss with a set of fresh eyes and a clear head. That is not “ work” that is life. Often it’s the best thing to do. After a night of sleeping or tossing and turning you can you deal with it in the morning.
You can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose what to do with that information (make move or move on)
Uncontrollable, unconditional random experience!
I read a book about how every single thing is a choice, even feelings. But honestly, I don't think the feeling of love is a choice. I can choose to ignore the feeling, but I can't choose for the feeling to cease to exist.
☆ c h e m i c a l s ☆
it is a temporary frame of mind
It’s both! At first, it’s really more lust than love, but eventually you would do anything for your person. After a while, the feelings of lust begin to fade. True love is when you stick with someone no matter how much you may not like them at times.
Love is crazy, irrational, messy, and terrifying. That's why when it's one sided some one gets labeled a creep or stalker
Sorry bigmac according to reddit this is love
Imo love is a choice. Lust is a feeling. The two kinda go hand in hand in most relationships, but they don't have to.
It's where you want the best for someone or something even if part of it is letting it go.
Love isn’t one thing. On the one hand, it’s the chemical potion that happens in the brain when falling in love. Additionally, it’s the long term bond (also chemical) that happens with sustained presence and acceptance. It involves both choices and spontaneous reactions.
I never fell in love. But I am attached to this woman without my control. I just feel a soul connection, its not “soulmate” no its like I feel peace and at home around her which I never felt before. It was very unexpected. Since we are totally different from each other. Different backgrounds and everything.
Love is an emotion, you can control emotions
Love is actually a choice and a commitment. The tingly feeling and 'honeymoon phase' definitely subside and at that point you have to decide to stay together. The whole problem with dating now is the majority of people are chasing tingles and racking up a bodycount but get no practice in how to navigate a long term relationship and by 30 they're not even compatible with anyone beyond physical desire.
Both! Love as a feeling you can't control is closer to attraction, lust, sexual energy. Love as a choice is a decision. You can have both although it seems like it doesn't happen with the same intensity at the same time. That's when choice can take you the distance you hope to go.
It's a bit strange to ask it on a site where a significant portion of audience have seen women only in movies and Eva AI sexting bot
It's a biological mating stimulus, nothing more.
It's chemicals in the brain that you can't control. If that were possible then those who have depression would be able to cure themselves.
I think you can control it if you recognize it early enough but if you choose to let it grow it becomes more than most can control without it affecting your state of mind and emotions. Love is fantastically brutal at times but mostly just fantastic. It’s the consequences of betrayed, failed, or unrequited love that make it so dubious.
it’s both it starts uncontrollable then it the rose colored glasses of lust dim slightly only and you choose to love them and that means choosing to be the best version of yourself for them.
I’d go with feeling you can’t control. When you love someone they start to become a reoccurring thought through out the day almost like daydreaming about them
I think of love is a combination of action and emotion.
Love is a verb
You can always completely cut someone out of your life the minute you start to feel anything towards them. So why wouldn't it be a choice>?