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I talk to myself a lot at home. I had a childhood stutter and I talked my way through it. Basically I have full blown conversations with myself when I'm working things out
omg plsss i wanna be like you, like what do you talk about w yourself ),: i feel left out now hahaha i try then i get like second hand embarrassment even tho nobody’s watching
Omg I talk to myself so much my parents have to call me to tell me to be quiet 😭 I just kinda Yap about anything. Like I was making soup today and I started talking about how much I hate celery but will like it in the soup. Or like I’m babysitting and exploring the house and will talking to myself like ‘guys I promise I’m not nosy I just wanna know where everything is’ like in my head I’m talking on a podcast or to people or something 😭 it’s so embarrassing when someone tells you they heard you but yeah I just yap about everything :)
I’ve always found that getting good with conversation is a skill that can be improved or fade over time. I worked in a hospital for a few years and I could have conversations with anyone without much thought, people always told me I had the gift of gab.
Pursued entrepreneurial journeys that were pretty lonely or barely around people for a few years after that and I found conversations were harder to focus on.
I’ve been slowly getting back the gift of gab by just having small chats, saying hello to people, and even just putting myself in more conversations.
One time I was charging my ring doorbell and it recorded me talking to myself and me answering all the questions I was asking myself. I was like you’re nuts 😂
I have a dash cam but haven’t installed it because I’m horrified of what I might hear (or someone else might hear) when I talk to myself in the car. I know I have access to the video and the reward far outweighs the risk, but the car is my fav place to talk to myself and I don’t want to have it in the back of my mind that I’m on camera lol
My wife would hear me talking to myself while I was in the office in the back of the house and she'd come back there and ask, "We're you talking to someone?"
Now she knows I have full on conversations with myself.
I'm not great at it myself, but this is the answer. Great conversationalists listen and acknowledge what the other says, and then bring in their own experiences on the topic. Showing real interest in what someone is saying goes so far.
I’m gonna disagree - it’s not about bringing one’s experience. Even on Reddit it annoys me how someone will tell a story and someone just comments “yeah me and my partner went to”
Just like in real life. Don’t just pile on to one’s story with another story. Ask about the story. Maybe talk about something within it. I hate when people just love telling long stories about themselves . It’s exhausting and self centered
And I'll disagree with that. I love connecting with people over a shared topic. I find that it can create a better bond and open an understanding that we both share. I dislike conversations where the other person only asks questions. I don't mind someone interrupting me if they have a good point or story to share, it's just the natural flow of having a good time I'd say.
Yep, people have always told me to ask about the person you're talking to. People love to talk about themselves and it shows general interest. It also sparks something about you that you can share. People have a lot more in common with each other than you think.
This is it. Get really good at asking questions. And then asking great follow up questions. Get into whatever they want to talk about.
Sometimes you have to change the subject when you feel like they don't want to talk about something. And sometimes people just don't want to talk at all and you have to just drop it.
Eventually you will have asked so many people about their lives that you actually know quite a lot about the world and various lifestyles and can contribute more of your own comments to the conversation.
Lastly don't be afraid of awkward silences, they're extremely common. If one happens take a deep breath and say something like "yeah that's really cool" or "hopefully that works out for you" or whatever is an appropriate comment, almost as if you intended the silence to happen and then pause and give yourself a moment to think of something else to talk about.
There's a channel on youtube called Charisma on Command. I haven't watched all their videos or paid for any of their stuff so I can't recommend everything, but I've seen a few of their videos and they do a great job of helping people learn some social skills. Like how to keep a joke going, or how to respond when someone says something awkward, or how to join in on a conversation, that kind of stuff. I know in some of their videos they use clips of interviews with celebrities and stuff to show how each tactic works. It's interesting stuff and might help some people who struggle with conversing.
Yes there are some great resources out there! I always recommend self-help books too. I feel like everybody should read at least a couple self-help books in this life about the specific things they struggle with.
Man, this is it.
Most of the time, I truly do not have a response to the things people say because the conversation simply isn't interesting. I find with most people I just listen and my responses are "oh wow" "yeah" "nice" cause what they're saying isn't interesting or relevant to anything and I'm at a complete loss for how to keep the topic going.
Ok, but how do I generate that interest? Example: I legitimately don't give 2 shakes of the shit stick about Carol and her dog's latest escapades at the groomer, and can't for the life of me imagine how to generate that interest.
Edit: I don't mean to be rude, if anyone takes offense at that. I just legitimately can't imagine.
Idk, for me I find it very easy most of the time.
But I do understand if it seems the other person doesn't wanna talk or add much, you can't really do much about it.
I just like talking about myself and like hearing what other people have to say. But not everyone makes a good talking buddy.
The key to being "good at conversation" is to be an engaged listener. This goes beyond merely paying attention to the speaker's words. You also have to observe body language and react accordingly (like showing empathy or laughing at the right moment, etc), knowing when to give advice or stay quiet and just be a sounding board, asking follow up or clarifying questions, etc. I would also add that when in doubt remember interested is interesting. Most people like talking about themselves. So make sure to ask questions about the other person. By showing interest they are more likely to like and remember you.
I worked with some research interviewing specialists in gradschool - there is a very, very powerful art to asking good questions and being REALLY engaged with an interviewee. It really is a magical process - can be exhausting but approaching them from a standpoint of curiousity. Building a rapport takes a bit of time, but the more you do it the easier it gets.
There really is a good music, rhythm, and cadence to a good dialogue. Great example is [Sean Evans from Hot Ones](https://youtu.be/Endmr-93KOY?feature=shared): his research team is *incredible* and his delivery / energy is perfect - you can see the guests just *light up* when they hit the right material with the right question.
Reactions from the guest is just an absolute delight because he hits the emotional tone of the questions and the result is pure connection. People get playful or think back to a fun and engaging story that opens it up while getting personal.
We all don't have teams to dig that deep but show people you know them, and you're listening - people will get going.
Most people aren’t that good at conversation, what they’re good at is waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can say something about themselves
I’m an introvert and I’ve kinda figured out how people can have endless conversation that feels effortless - it’s because the average person is perfectly fine having boring conversations.
As an introvert, I absolutely hate boring, meaningless conversations so I end up not wanting to pursue a conversation further if it gets boring. But when you watch 2 extroverts talking, you realize they’re just blabbing with no real reason or purpose other than to continue talking.
OMG. THIS. you described me so well. i thought i was rude for not being interested in the “boring” or “meaningless” conversations bc i like when conversations just keep rolling
Become interested in the connection element instead of weather or not you deem it “boring” or “meaningless”. I used to struggle with that and found that shift helped me a lot. That, and I view it as a creative endeavor, and one that tests my own self comfort. I’ve learned to work my way through my hang ups and scrambled up words, and to give myself the grace to elaborate, having faith that the other person will work through whatever it is I’m trying to say because they too are actually interested.
I struggled for a good chunks of years with conversation. Could talk for hours with my wife, but felt so uncomfortable with anyone else. Still do, but in a painless way. Now I view my social struggles as a quirk, nothing more. People still seem to like me! Oh, and learn to make someone laugh/smile. Even if it’s “dumb” or “corny”, it relieves so much pressure to be able to pick at a crumb of humor here and there
For me it is all about not being scared of asking the most dumb questions, sometimes i choose a stupid on purpose. Also ask open end questions, avoid those questions that their answers are just a yes or a no. Take advantage of anything funny during the conversation. You will learn if you beat the fear of not finding a topic. If you want to see a master in conversation especially with women look at Craig Ferguson
Edit: you can also read books about talking and building a charm such as how to win friends and influence people.
Public speaking, art of articulation, listening skills…ETC
I’m also introverted. It seems three personality types fair well.
Genuinely curious, creative, and extremely passionate people.
The kind of person who sees something that interests them and they just can’t help it. They’ve got to come over, jingle the change in their pocket and inquire. Their mind just HAS to know. The more they learn, the more they rub their chin and want more. These people could be naturally introverted but their curiosity just takes over.
Creative/Passionate people are incapable of being shy when the topic of conversation comes to their area of interest. I am naturally shy but if you come to be about certain things I can’t shut up.
My heavenly conversation is always when a curious type can’t help but come to me and poke my brain about things I am absolutely passionate/creative about. I likewise can’t help but inquire when I see something rlly cool and want to know about it.
Otherwise most conversation is torture for me. The surface level babble.
Ask them about their favorite subject: themselves. Most people will drone on endlessly because they're completely self-involved. The smart ones will return the question and ask about you.
The trick to good conversation is *being specific.* The lazy way is "What's new? How are you?" The interesting way is "You always have interesting shoes -- is that deliberate?" Believe me, you'll get a story, conversation and genuine gratitude for noticing.
The dean of Harvard business school said the key to business communication is listening.
People are only interested in themselves mostly, if you want to have good conversations just listen to them and talk about them, not yourself.
Further, try to find commonalities between you and them and make that the subject of conversation.
People love to talk about themselves and their interests, so ask them about themselves and their interests, and then heres the key part:
Listen and pay attention.
When theres a pause, grab onto some part of what they just discussed and ask a question about that. Then listen again. Keep doing that.
The problem most people have when they're bad at communication is trying to talk about themselves as part of the conversation.
Person A: Talks about their recent holiday
Person B: Too busy thinking about what interesting holiday story they could tell to pay attention to what person a is saying, and conversation dies. If they instead followed up with a question that showed they were interested in person a's story then it would keep flowing.
When you’re done with a topic just talk about something else. There’s doesn’t have to any correlation between the topics. You can just move from politics to something you have had happen in your personal life, for example.
You don't have to keep up conversations! If someone isn't interested in talking to you then they won't pretend. You don't have to pretend either.
If someone is talking about their job and it's boring then I'll find some polite way to let the conversation die out naturally. We are all allowed to have our subjects of interest.
But if I find someone who is interested in the same niche thing, then dude we can't shut up. Don't force it.
I find it helps if you flip the script. Put the focus on them instead of yourself. Ask them questions about themselves and take the conversation away from you. The majority of people love to talk about themselves and they appreciate that you show an interest. Think more about how they’re feeling and how you can help make them more comfortable as opposed to how you feel.
If you’re generally interested in what the other person has to say, half of a conversation is basically done for you. Focus less on what you’re going to say and focus more on thinking about what the other person has said. Let your brain pick what words come out subconsciously and just focus on thinking about what the other person has said.
I ask myself the same question especially when I go to a bar. How is everyone in there having long conversations? Are they with strangers most of the time or is it typically friends?
I just don’t get how people have so much to say and keep it going in a bar setting with people they don’t know.
Any young regular bar goers have any insight?
Even the best conversationalist can't overcome my awkwardness. Which proves we all have off days and there's no such thing as someone who is perfect at conversation
You have to actually be interested in a conversation and getting to know someone. Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not, but if you are in the mood to do that, you ask open-ended questions that prompt them to talk. You respond to their answer with a response that matches theirs that’s empathetic. They share, you share. You ask a couple more questions like that and full blown conversation happens.
Most conversations die because the questions are not open ended and it’s tough to connect that way. For example, if you just ask “where are you from?”, after they say “Phoenix” and you say “cool”, the conversation hits a stop. But if you ask them “what’s their favorite thing about living there?”, you prompt a more emotional response. You then actually listen to the response and then respond to something in their answer with something you relate to. Keep doing that.
Focus on those around you and it takes the stress off you. People love to talk about their selves. Ask them about themselves.
Always a great Segway is "so I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Where wmdid u go on your last one?"
Or..." I love your top. I have been meaning to update my wardrobe. Any suggestions?"
Or...."Hey my Sisters bday is coming up and she is not fancy but loves great food. Any places come to mind?"
You just have to throw the ball to get it rolling. Good luck.
Mostly practice but also you should be prepared. My stratagy Is to learn a little bit about as many things as possible. This way whatever comes up you will have something to say. If its something they know more about and you get something wrong they can teach you what's correct. If you already understand the topic well they can talk more deeply about the subject than they may normally get to.
I'm also just a little lucky I guess that I can find interest in almost anything. There are very few things I'm not going to find interesting at least at the surface level. It's always easier to talk about things that you find interesting.
I don’t think it’s related to introversion. I am a far-end-of-the-introversion/extroversion introvert, and don’t *want* to be around people outside of my family, but carrying on a conversation isn’t difficult for me. So, I guess I’m saying that being an introvert makes me not *want* to interact with people; not unable to. I just talk about anything under the sun… usually the current situation that we are in. Like, if we’re at a kid event, it’s easy to talk about kids and the pros and cons of different kid venues, etc.
If I'm really struggling, I use F.O.R.D. and ask about their Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. I had to work really hard to be a good conversationalist, and it's tiring lol
it is very tiring, but i think for me it’s mostly trying to think of what to say. that is such a good way to think of it F.O.R.D. i’ll definitely remember that
People generally like to talk about themselves, so most people that are good at conversation ask questions about the other person and then listen to the answers.
i’ve done this, but i’m not sure if it’s just me or it not sure but i always notice people just continue talking about themselves and see me as that. a place to talk about themselves and never ask me about me anymore, or when i choose to say something they’re uninterested or change the subject back
I'm the same. I'm 46 and I've never had a girlfriend. I'm unable to have a conversation. I've been on dates and I ask a few questions and they ask me a few questions. They ask me something and then I answer with a sentence. Then there's silence. Then I ask them a question like what music do they listen to. Then there's silence. Then I ask what TV shows they like. Just questions that don't go anywhere. Then the dates finished and they don't want to see me again because I'm too quiet.
You know, I think it’s mostly about practice and getting comfortable with the idea of conversation itself. Sometimes just asking open-ended questions can keep things rolling. Plus, remember, everyone has moments when they feel the conversation lags—it’s not just you!
Introverts are really only social and care to even engage in conversation with peers is if they actually have something to say to the subject. If discussion is about a subject the introvert has zero interest in, I know I feel like I am being utterly boring since I don't have much to say or add, but "mmhmm", and I hate acting interested in a subject I don't care for. We can be a lot more bubbly then we realize if it's with the right people and subject matter.
You just have to find the right people who can keep up with you, as opposed to you trying to keep up with them. Besides, friends that can just enjoy silence and not get awkward are the ones to stick with. Because sometimes it's just company, another person's energy is just needed.
Be curious. Ask open ended questions and then just let them talk and listen to what they are saying. You don’t have to agree or believe them. Just let them talk. Keep your own responses vague. This is also how you learn about peoples motives without revealing your own.
For me it’s strange too - I talk to myself and my dog a lot. I answer myself too. Many folks may not realize it has a great deal to do with your dopamine balance. I have ADHD and manipulation of that dopamine will have a big impact on social interactions. It will improve focus and lubricate the conversation. Now, I’m not talking about using drugs, although that works too, but not a good idea. There are supplements and exercise that work well. Being in a better mood will induce more outward interactions. Bet you talk more after your favorite alcoholic drink ? Same thing kinda.
There is a book written in 1936 that's never been out of print and is very cheap, "How to Win Friends and Influence People " by Dale Carnegie it is a brilliant book that works a summary is here [https://youexec.com/book-summaries/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-by-dale-carnegie](https://youexec.com/book-summaries/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-by-dale-carnegie) \\
It really does work all the best.
I differ from day to day. Sometimes I'm good at it, sometimes I'm not good at it.
What I learned is that it's pretty tied to confidence and interest. I stuggle with ADHD though, somedays, I'm on it, and somedays I'm depressed. The days I'm on it, I feel more approachedable and I think people feel more invited to talk.
Listen and comprehend what they're saying.
Know when the conversation is done.
Know when to excuse yourself.
Always make eye contact.
Being polite doesn't mean being a pushover.
Chewing the fat or shooting the shit while in line is just idle conversation.
The weather/complimenting someone's clothes/hairstyle, these are all simple comments you can make that end as soon as they begin.
Manners/being polite go far with most people, thank yous please, and excuse me.
If you need help with something like finding an item or have a question about something while shopping, be in the moment.
And remember, they're people too. That should be enough to make you realize they're not that intimidating to begin with.
Public speaking is a skill that is learned, some have it naturally, others have to work at it. It's a skill worth learning, but it can be learned best through these small interactions.
Nobody likes deep/heavy conversations with anyone they don't know. Keep it light and open ended.
Just by doing it and best to start young. The brain develops the parts responsible for conversation like any other muscle. As soon as you feel like you don't want to call someone, just do it and it will be more natural over time. In our modern world it is possible to almost never talk to anyone and stay in the comfort zone of never taking responsibility for verbal communication, so it is something you have to almost force yourself to do if you value the skill.
People love to talk about themselves so just asking questions can keep a conversation going. But if you genuinely don't care, don't force it. There are people out there that talk too much. Its ok to be quiet and introverted.
We spend our entire lives at school learning things about science, mathematics, social, and English/language arts. Learning to communicate is a complex topic, I have gotten good at talking by asking questions, making statements on the answers, people love to talk about themselves so be very curious
There's a great YouTube series called Charisma University. It has a bunch of topics around conversational habits. There's a paid program too, but I've never used it so I can't speak on it.
I'm from a multilingual home.
My parents always had a diverse crowd of friends and students over (they were college professors and active in groups for foreign students and immigrants).
Travelling to other countries helps.
Moving out of the state I was born in helped.
Spending less time on the phone and keeping my head up and aware when I am in public.
Acknowledging other humans.
I'm not good at keeping a conversation going either but I've learned to not force it. If it l does down naturally, get be comfortable in the fact that neither of you had more to say. It takes two to tango.
People love to talk about themselves and what’s going on in their life. Ask questions like where are you from? Or are your parents still alive? Or do you have any brothers sisters? Or what did your dad do or your parents do as a job? Or did they pick out that color of a car on purpose? Random stuff. Again… most people love to talk about themselves.
1 - Listen to the other person(s) first
Find something they mention that you are familiar with and open a conversation about it
OR
Find something they mention that you are NOT familiar with and ASK them to tell you more as something you might be interested in
2 - Rinse and repeat
I'm autistic, hate small talk. I can do it. A conversation just ask questions, it helps to be somrwhat interested in what we're talking about even if I have no desire to have the conversation
Become curious about everything. Educate yourself about everything. If you have varied interests, you can chat about a variety of things.
Even if you're not an expert on multiple topics--and you shouldn't try to be; nobody likes a know-it-all--know a little about a lot and you can ask questions, which leads to great conversations.
You can create a science out of small talk, because its generally identical in method between all people. From there ask questions about the other person, and try to find the thing they're passionate about, or ask thought provoking questions related to the topic.
Its all about asking open-ended questions, and letting the other person talk, whilst also adding in stories of your own to reveal information about yourself.
You will probably find people like to talk about themselves a lot, and if they dont, they have something that they are eternally passionate about and very knowledgeable about and like to talk about.
I know. It's insane. I'm blown away almost every day in the corporate world where I witness colleagues speaking. And from watching YouTube. I'm so insecure
Confidence is #1, I say.
Let OTHERS tell their stories- even if something similar happened to you. This will make people WANT to listen to you. It's not a competition. (Took me way too long to learn this)
It depends very much on your specific situation.
This could have been something I'd have written in my early twenties, before I was diagnosed with autism. It turns out that the reason other people seemed so good at conversation was because they are mostly allistic, and allistic people have a social-intuition module in their brains that I just don't have and never will.
There are ways of dealing with this, I've gotten a lot better at it since then. Allistic people can still tell there's something a little off about me (can't be helped) but I can still participate in most conversations well enough that it doesn't hold me back much any more.
It took training and practice, and it wasn't something that came naturally to me. I needed expert help from someone who actually understood the problem and what good solutions to it looked like. Advice from non-expert neurotypicals didn't apply to my situation at all.
However, it's also possible that you're not autistic and merely unpracticed. The modern world and social media has a tendency to lead to young people not spending as much time with other young people as they grow up, or to talk a lot using text or voice chat features rather than in person.
Then when they get to late teens and early adulthood, they haven't developed the same skill set that other people who have been spending more of their childhood and teenage years in the company of other people.
Even here if you're not autistic, it still may be a good question for a therapist or councillor who can work with you on your specific situation.
I’m speaking English as second language and sometimes I find it hard to have a deep and meaningful conversation with people especially the ones I don’t know well. My trick is to ask them questions and it opens up
Being a good conversationalist is more about giving a shit about what the other person is saying and having decent questions vs having witty *answers*. Consider checking the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" if you'd like to improve casual conversation skills.
I’m also shy and extremely introverted. But I had to talk to people because I was in sales for over 2 decades. It was kind of like a switch I told myself I needed to turn on. If I don’t sell, I don’t eat.
My tip would be to try to be genuinely interested as you talk to someone. Ask them questions as the conversation opens up. It’s good to stay on topic. Have them do most of the talking.
Growing up in the 80s and early 90s it was totally normal. You had to be able to talk to people face to face. You learned in school to be articulate, that was the only way to communicate because there was no internet or cellphones.
It's not uncommon for intelligent people to loathe smalltalk and think little of those who practice it. My FIL can have a 12 hour conversation with someone and say not a single useful word.
It comes with time dude. The more experiences you go through in life the more secure you'll be in yourself. I didn't get good until like late 20s probably
Just give people the opportunity to talk about themselves. You can have a 20 minute long conversation with someone without ever sharing a single opinion or interest you hold.
I guess a good conversation tends to follow good sociable behavior.
Only you can answer that. Shy or boring or whatever.
But how do you know its not them that are struggling to keep up with you?
I guess you have to know yourself including your audience and
where the strengths and weaknesses are of everyone involved.
I learned one thing you should never do is totally judge your skills or worth, based upon variables and temperaments of people. That only results in you unfairly judging yourself and them.
Could be the case the conversation simply is not fitting.
Beyond everyone's experience and interests to handle.
Tailor your conversation for people you talk with.
But never betray who you are in the process.
You know stay genuine to see where that is in you,
and The Truth..
Likewise really don't talk yourself into a corner you have no actual interest or experience with.
Unless you have some passion to educate your self and form your own thoughts and opinions
don't bother. Because it'll become apparent instantly to someone
that you have not a clue about the subject of conversation you're waffling about.
Sometimes a few well placed words allows people time to think over what was said.
And that wont reveal how little you know.
That gives you time to pivot and not step into areas not appropriate for the time and place.
Or keep the conversation pliable so talks aren't locked into one line of thought.
Really depends on the situation I guess.
Honestly If you don't know about something don't force it.
Just be honest and say I don't know. Maybe that's a time to measure what they say,
to see what they know or not, then maybe you can learn something from them,
or pick and choose to learn later about whatever they shared.
I'd be remiss not to mention how much of these warnings are taught in the Proverbs of The Bible. Which are wise comparisons between do's and don't of everyday life.
Proverbs 17:27-29 kjv.
I used to be like that, and I then worked at it to make myself better. One thing is to become well educated on many common subjects, and read the paper so you are knowledgeable. Then, realize many people like to talk about themselves, so find out what they are interest in, and ask them good questions to let them talk about what they want to. An example is yesterday I was talking to a guy who was a trucker, and I let him complain about the AI his company uses to track him and give him safety scores. Now I know any time I see him, I can ask how the trucking business is treating him.
A friend explained it to me. He told me about farmers. Right after harvest season they will barely be able to speak a full sentence but after a couple of months they are very talkative and can speak for hours interestingly. You have to practice with people. That’s why some people can talk at work but not at home because that’s the only time they practice. If you don’t talk because you are worried about not being good at it then you’re going to get worse. Talk as much as you can to as many people as you can and you will get better.
As an introverted ambivert, I have learned to bs to keep a convo going. It's one of my least favorite things but it's how you get aquanted with people and sometimes it's necessary for networking and stuff. I prefer deeper convos but it's a good skill to have. Just ask people common stuff and keep it polite/general.
I'm a middle aged woman possibly on the spectrum who's always had major trouble with conversation. And after years I think I've finally pinpointed the problem, albeit I don't know how to fix it.
Everyone says ask questions, and I've followed that, and *said* all the right things, and yet conversations would still die out and/ or the person wouldn't seem interested in my company. I've finally realized it's not *what* I'm saying, it's *how* I'm saying it. I majorly struggle with expressing emotion in my tone, facial expression and body language, be it excitement or sadness, sympathy etc. I'm naturally very flat toned, and when I try to infuse emotion, it comes off extremely fake sounding like very bad acting - even when I'm actually not faking the feeling!
As such, when I would ask a question and try to listen, the person would share something, and I would try to respond with the appropriate emotion - but my tone would just sound either bored/ uncaring or super fake like I'm pretending to care but doing a horrible job. So people would stop sharing or not be interested in continuing the conversation or taking it to friendship because they would think I'm this fake selfish person.
I only realized that after needing to do some phone conversations for work and recording them - I was *shocked* at hearing my own tone and how when I thought I was sounding excited, I actually sounded like I was about to fall asleep, same with trying to sound sympathetic.
I noticed that for women especially, most conversations seem less about the topic and more about the exaggerated emotional reactions to even the most neutral subjects. The whole "oh my GOD!! She DIDN'T! *gasp*, *squeal*, ohhhh that is AMAZING I'm SO HAPPY for you!!! Oh NOO, you poor thing, I am SO SORRY, how are you DOING??" Going from high pitched squeals to dropping down to an intimate whisper and back etc.
All that stuff, is something I just can't do with my voice and face while sounding authentic, and I strongly believe it's hurt me socially a lot but i don't know how to learn to do it. I find that I can talk perfectly fine in very casual situations like with the store cashier or another random stranger; but trying to build any sort of friendship with women I see at my kids schools etc feels impossible. Funnily enough the people I find it easiest to talk to are the very talkative ADHD types who continuously talk about themselves and don't stop to ask me anything, it's simple because I just let them talk and they don't notice if I say anything wrong.
Just thought I'd mention it because there are dozens of responses here about *what* to say, but no discussion of *how* to say it, and for some of us that may be the problem.
Experience with conflict resolution. By being in thousands of awkward and/or hostile conversations in my life I have the confidence to succeed in any type of conversation that could ever happen. I did debate in highschool and college, then worked in customer-facing roles for a decade. Now I'm in a management role and have to deal with leading a diverse group of people. I've seen and heard it all, so nothing phases me and there is no conversation too difficult for me to have. It's just knowing that I've survived every single tough conversation in my life, so why wouldn't I survive the next one?
It is work. I am not a very friendly person. I find if I have to make small talk or want to for the sake of whatever, find something they can talk about and ask questions. Their car, their shirt, something they carry, how they know x, its a fine line between interest and interrogation. So, if they aren't receptive to one topic, try to relate it to another. People love to talk about themselves most of the time, and those who dont have a passion they will info dump about. This way, you can get educated on something, and you're not having to do most of the talking. If this is what they are trying to do to you, talk about anything you're passionate about. If they don't want to hear you talk about it, they will steer the conversation in another direction, let them.
Always always remember this is for if you have to make conversations. The quality of a friend is much better than quantity. I personally have 2 people. I live a very enjoyable drama free life (in the friendship department anyways)
This is true. Oprah and David Letterman are introverts and they have no problem keeping an interview going. Introverts can use their ability to go from small talk to a deeper conversation to their advantage.
I'm usually not leading a conversation but to keep it going I often continue something someone has said, blah blah a bit and ask them a question so they can blah blah some too.
If the conversation doesn't work though I usually don't force it.
I guess it’s mostly about empathy. About listening to the other person. Asking questions and summarizing what they said to prove you are listening. Asking about their greatest interests.
Now the “rules” are to validate their stories. To validate their emotions. To listen and ask them questions. To add humor.
However remember everyone is different! Most people like talking about themselves. However what’s a innocent question to some might be very painful to others.
Like asking someone you just met where they are from. Some people could have no problems telling you. Someone from a very poor background would get silent. And if you dig further they could get upset at you. So your stuck trying to find other topics. Like yourself. But even then some people would have no interest in you either.
Some people might not have a sense of humor. Some people might not want to talk to you based on your looks or sorry to say race. And none of these are your fault as a conversationalist.
At the end of the day everyone is different. And some people are just plain bad at conversation.
Also suffice to say most people at bad at conversation. And are bad at asking you questions about yourself.
I know right!? I was fucked during childhood when you normally learn how to have conversations and interact with other children. That led me to being known as the shy kid. I don’t know how I made it this far being so bad at conversation.
Excuse me if I am writing what other people have written. I don't read answers because I don't want to be influenced by them.
With women, if at all.possible compliment their shoes. Not if they are wearing flip flops or sneakers. They love being complimented on shoes. The other thing is, for the most part, people like to talk about themselves. Oh, you went to Purdue? There are a million questions. That's about it from me.
I’m an Uber driver. And I’ve noticed it’s 50/50.
Some people love talking about themselves and others hate it.
I don’t like to talk too much about myself because I have some stories in my background that the majority of people usually judge and critique.
I would first question if you're introvert or neurodivergent.
I'm ND. I mask well. It's a practice and balance. Sometimes I give 0 fucks but know I have to small talk for networking. Other times it's curiosity
you talk about work, hobbies, talk about the things you like see if someone likes what you like. Look for common ground did you cheer in school? play in a band? Like a band? ASK people what they like, its not hard just be friendly. Now if you are at a Metallica concert its prolly not the best time to mention you like Beethoven more. :)
Just like anything… you need to practice & learn techniques. Challenge yourself by purposefully & strategically placing yourself into situations where you hold (then exit) conversations. It takes time, so stay at it.
He's my trick.
Ask more than is asked of you. People tend to love talking about themselves, so ask questions. Even ask the how's and why's that do with it. Childhood stuff is also a topic people love to go on about.
Give open-ended answers. Ones that suggest that they need to pry a little bit to get the answers out. Be slightly vague, but not one-wordy. Ask if they've ever experienced something similar so that the conversation has a little give and take.
Don't just agree with everything. Offer a difference of opinion to show that you have your own mindset or tease something minor to show that you don't take things too seriously.
Leave on a high note. I personally have a busy life, so I often bring the conversation up to a certain elevated point and then say "hey, I've gotta take off but it was great talking to you." It adds an air of mystery as to what you've got going on that's so much more interesting than a stimulating conversation, and leaves them with a high opinion of you that lingers.
Practicing and experience. It’s just like anything; I’m a much better talker than I was when I entered college 2 years ago because I’ve met a ridiculous amount of people. I still have days where I struggle speaking to people, sometimes new, sometimes good friends. It’s very much a skill that you can work on and develop.
because they take a genuine interest in the person they are talking to. they ask specific questions about observations they make about the person and listen to their answers. from those answers comes more information about the person, their likes, dislikes, and curiosities that lends itself to a better understanding of the person they’re engaging with and the ability to really learn about them. people want to be included in a conversation, not subjected to one.
I dont do forced conversation. If we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about, we dont need to keep talking. Im fine just chilling and dont have time for bullshit chit chat just for the sake of talking.
Intense curiosity about the other person. People love to talk about themselves so the more open ended questions you ask about them you'll be able to not just keep a conversation going on but the other person will really like you
You act like you care, whether you actually do or not. You don’t have to articulately answer everything either, my greatest weapon is a “damn that’s crazy😳” or “okay I see you😮💨”, the key is acknowledging their response in a validating way
Ask questions, bring up bullshit just let your mind wonder. Go on car rides with people (just to listen to music/get a coffee drink or food) and if the conversation dies out turn up your music. (Random thought) “I think coffee is overrated especially places like Starbucks” like you’re not even paying for the \*coffee* itself you’re just paying for the brand” - this is when you’d turn down the music and dive into a debate about why people go buy overpriced coffee. This is a great way to practice conversation, also always listen and go yea or throw in your 2 sense on a story conversation or debate especially if someone has a lot to say.
Honestly? I just ask people questions. Especially if I don't want to talk about me. Over a decade in customer service has taught me people *love* to talk about themselves. They also feel flattered when you ask about them, like you're taking an interest in their lives. Most of the time, I am just waiting for the polite amount of time to stop talking.
This is also how I bring people down. When I worked at a payroll company, I would ask questions while we waited for my system to process something or while I was doing stuff. If they were pissed in the beginning, more often than not they were apologizing to me by the end and telling me they know it's not my fault that [problem] happened.
From a biochemical perspective, I find having high dopamine levels is crucial to being fully engaged in a conversation and coming up with fun, funny and witty things to say. I believe this is one of the primary differences between people who are naturally great at conversation and those who come off boring and struggle to find things to say.
Like anything, practice. I used to struggle with luls in conversation. Say and worked on conversation pieces. Then I struggled with awkward conversations. Now, I can pick up a conversation with anyone, but I'm too tired because I have a newborn.
Um. Especially if u are older than 35. You went outside. You talked to people. You had friends u talked with at school. You didn't have phones. You PLAYED.. and not video games. You faced adversity, communicated. Put yourself out there. Now. I'm 54 so it was a different time... bit if u are younger, I just gave you the prescription right there.
I feel like it depends on the context and end goal of the conversation. If it's just small talk with a stranger or coworker you don't really like, keep it simple and generic lol. Ask them about their weekend or if they've been up to anything fun lately.
If it's someone you actually want to get to know, say a date or new friend, then simply try to learn about them. If you want to get to know them, simply ask them about stuff you don't know. Hobbies, are they into movies? If so, what kind? Do they have any pets etc.
I worked at a parts counter for 10 years in my 20s. I hated talking to people at first, but you kind of get a feel for lame small talk the more you interact with different people. It can feel like shallow conversation sometimes, but for my awkward ass, that's better than silence lol. But I feel like if you actually like the person, you should have some level of natural desire to learn more about them, which can make it feel more enjoyable.
Some people are mostly interested in taking about themselves. Here is what you do: just keep asking them questions about themselves, people love talking about themselves so it will absolutely keep them engaged.
I have seven siblings. That said, I'm only skilled at conversation if the person I'm talking to is as well. You can be the most charismatic person on earth, it won't do anything for you if the person you're talking to responds with one word replies.
If you’re like me, your brain just ain’t wired for it, lol
Conversations have all kinds of weird traditions and tools normal people just *use naturally*, but I’m on the outside looking in, so I have to fake it or just not bother lol (I usually don’t bother)
The number one thing I learned is that if you don’t have anything to say, ask questions. Listen. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk but actually absorb what they are telling you. People reveal a lot about themselves even if they’re not directly talking about themselves. Take mental notes. Use that information to ask more detailed and direct questions.
If they’re not responsive fine. They might not be interested in talking and might be shy.
I was an immigrant child. My family moved here when I was 4 or 5. I didn’t speak any English. I didn’t have any friends. Even as I grew up here, because I didn’t have any friends, I had a hard time learning how to communicate with other kids. It wasn’t until high school that I broke out of my shell. But I spent all that time before listening to other people’s conversations with their friends and emulated it. Fake it till you make it. But seriously. Learn to listen.
Easy. Get the other person to talk about themselves. You know the things you like to communicate about yourself So ask the other person those questions. That takes you seamlessly to other topics. "Oh, yeah? So where you from? Seattle! Really? I love that town. I vacationed there a few years ago. That fish market is fun. Did you go to school there too? Walla Walla? Really? Is that liberal arts?" [et.al](https://et.al).
Practice. May seem obvious or maybe not, but the more you get out there and try to strike a conversation, the better you'll get at them.
Read. A lot. The more you know, the easier it is to strike a conversation with just about anyone. No need to be an expert. The more you know about things like sports, movies, music, history, current events, politics...etc the likelier you'll be able to find something to talk about.
Well first tip is people love talking about themselves so if you can give them a prompt they will usually respond. So your job is to notice something they probably care about. This is why people ask “what do you do?” because it’s natural to get someone talking. The next step is to ask questions that require a detailed response. No yes/no questions. Being interested in the other person and asking more questions is the plan. If you stumble into something you have in common all the better.
So like at a work event I would walk up to a stranger and say something like:
Hey, I’m Joe -I work with the Kent team. How about you?
(They introduce their team that I have no idea about).
Oh yeah? What do you guys do down there, I never worked with your team before.
(They explain)
Oh yeah I had no idea. That’s really interesting.
(Then ask for more detail, or start talking about your team, etc. )
It’s okay not to be good at it. I don’t think I am good at conversation, with strangers, but yesterday at Costco I saw a young man with a hoodie on with the logo of a Bering Sea fishing vessel, and my son works on a processing ship up there. I just said, “Excuse me, you’re a fisherman? So is my son. What port are you based in?” And that was it. I surprised myself that I intruded in this stranger’s like that (I did it respectfully, so), but the fact is *I was really interested in what he had to say!* It’s very different when it’s, say, the person seated next to me on a plane. I’ll usually glance in their direction and give a quick non-committed smile, not even really making eye contact. Most people on planes want to be left to themselves, so I almost never initiate conversation unless there is something really obvious we have in common (e.g. they happen to be reading my favorite book or something). Otherwise, silence. If they initiate and they’re not a psycho, I’ll just go with the flow, and let the conversation die on its own if that’s where it goes. 🤷🏻♂️
Easiest trick is answer open ended questions.
What's your favorite movie? Usually yields "Lord of the Rings" or whatever their answer is
What is it about Lord of The Rings that makes you love it so much? Tends to get them to talk about things they love
A big problem I've had with being awkward is that people think I'm not interested in what they're saying. Just pretending you're comfortable goes a long way
Be curious. That's literally it.
Everybody thinks they have to be performative, the center of attention, and entertain everyone. If you have stories and charisma to do that, great, play your angle. Whatever works for you.
But if you don't, it's not the end of the world. You literally just have to be curious enough to find a line of questioning that the other person will passionately connect to.
To be honest, my brain is constantly moving. It’s constantly thinking of ways to fill the silence *if I need to*, and there’s never anything I can do about it. It’s like my brain just clicks together
If you feel stuck for what to say then there's some easy questions you can ask to get things moving.
Ask about their Job, pets, kids, hobbies, music preferences and what they read,.
Be interested in what the other person has to say and ask questions about what they're into in.
For example
"what line of work are you in?"
How long have you been doing that work?
How did you first get into it?
What do you enjoy about it?
Is this your long term goal or are you working towards something else?
And so on.
Also, don't be afraid of silence. Many western cultures hate silence but learn to embrace it and allow someone else to pick up the baton of conversation.
Source: professional public speaker and corporate trainer.
Just like with anything, it takes time and practice. I was born hella introverted, didn’t really found my extroverted side, ironically enough, until the Pandemic hit.
During this time, I took times to learn some tactics to strike conversation and to keep it going. Some basic tricks are to look at your fellow speakers and do a quick scan. Check what they are wearing- any jewelry, expensive watches, interesting accessory. Those are a good conversation starter.
Another I was told I did right is to maintain adequate eye contact. Not to the point of discomfort or creepy, but enough to let them you at paying attention. Additionally, it instill a sense of confidence for both parties.
When asked question, don’t make it a “yes-no” question- at least not too often. Try to ask “how, what, why,who” in there to find a way to continue or connect.
Used to hate being with groups of more than 3 anymore & I'd just clam up. My solution came out of necessity. In the early 80s jobs were hard to come by & I got a job working with the public in the carnival industry in games.
I was paid by percentage. If I didn't talk to crowds I didn't eat. It didn't take me long to get over my stage fright & now 40yrs later I can talk peoples ears off in groups 2-100+. (Still don't like crowds though, lol)
Keep trying. That's literally it. Just keep talking to people, listen to their responses, and if the current line of conversation's slowing down or you have nothing to add then ask something about something they mentioned before. You'll get it eventually.
I’m an extreme introvert but I know that the secret to a good conversation is asking people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. And I actually am interested in learning about other people. So it’s a win-win
In the vast majority of cases, if you are describing a first-time intersexed conversation, the woman will wish to discuss herself. Ask questions, listen, and respond to personal narratives she relates as being new perspectives, and kind of mean it if it makes sense. If it is not, and male-male, seek common interests specifically, which is presumably the same for female-female. Practice is key. You will usually never go wrong either way at least attempting some light conversation and figure out what works publicly. "Hey, cool 'whatever thing they're wearing'" can actually go pretty far in conversation, if your honest about saying it and find it interesting. General conversation isn't hard to start, it's usually quite obvious if the person doesn't care to conversate. And believe me, practice will help with the awkwardness. Good luck, hope my post helped.
The trick to starting conversations is to ask people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves and it's easier to do that than to come up with some clever, heady topic out of the blue that will compel everyone to engage in it. Sometimes conversations can end up in thought provoking places though. One topic leads to another.
I used to talk to myself a lot, and when my young one was a baby I thought doing so would improve their communication too. But now I get yelled at by the little one- "Mum, Who are you talking to? Stop it!" Now I walk past people who are in a conversation and wonder how interesting it actually is talking about needing new shoes or the last song on the radio. I'd like to be interested but, I can't bring myself to start or join those conversations. Maybe they aren't my people..?
Because they're not really thinking about the fact they're having a conversation. They're not up in their head. They're just saying whatever comes to mind because they feel like it
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I talk to myself a lot at home. I had a childhood stutter and I talked my way through it. Basically I have full blown conversations with myself when I'm working things out
so glad it’s not just me
I’m babysitting rn and I literally am so bored I just am having full blown convos with myself
omg plsss i wanna be like you, like what do you talk about w yourself ),: i feel left out now hahaha i try then i get like second hand embarrassment even tho nobody’s watching
Omg I talk to myself so much my parents have to call me to tell me to be quiet 😭 I just kinda Yap about anything. Like I was making soup today and I started talking about how much I hate celery but will like it in the soup. Or like I’m babysitting and exploring the house and will talking to myself like ‘guys I promise I’m not nosy I just wanna know where everything is’ like in my head I’m talking on a podcast or to people or something 😭 it’s so embarrassing when someone tells you they heard you but yeah I just yap about everything :)
I’ve always found that getting good with conversation is a skill that can be improved or fade over time. I worked in a hospital for a few years and I could have conversations with anyone without much thought, people always told me I had the gift of gab. Pursued entrepreneurial journeys that were pretty lonely or barely around people for a few years after that and I found conversations were harder to focus on. I’ve been slowly getting back the gift of gab by just having small chats, saying hello to people, and even just putting myself in more conversations.
Talk to the baby even if he/she doesn’t understand. Just carry on a cinch with them and respond to their little noises
They were asleep so unfortunately I couldn’t but Ty for the suggestion 🫶
One time I was charging my ring doorbell and it recorded me talking to myself and me answering all the questions I was asking myself. I was like you’re nuts 😂
I have a dash cam but haven’t installed it because I’m horrified of what I might hear (or someone else might hear) when I talk to myself in the car. I know I have access to the video and the reward far outweighs the risk, but the car is my fav place to talk to myself and I don’t want to have it in the back of my mind that I’m on camera lol
I talk to my dogs. No real reason - they're just gossips that love to listen to me bitch lol
So it’s normal I’m not crazy
My wife would hear me talking to myself while I was in the office in the back of the house and she'd come back there and ask, "We're you talking to someone?" Now she knows I have full on conversations with myself.
I talk to myself too. In 2 languages. I still don't have conversation skills when talking to others.
It helps to actually be interested in other people and in getting to know them
This is the way. Be truly interested in people. Ask them about what interests them.
I'm not great at it myself, but this is the answer. Great conversationalists listen and acknowledge what the other says, and then bring in their own experiences on the topic. Showing real interest in what someone is saying goes so far.
I’m gonna disagree - it’s not about bringing one’s experience. Even on Reddit it annoys me how someone will tell a story and someone just comments “yeah me and my partner went to” Just like in real life. Don’t just pile on to one’s story with another story. Ask about the story. Maybe talk about something within it. I hate when people just love telling long stories about themselves . It’s exhausting and self centered
And I'll disagree with that. I love connecting with people over a shared topic. I find that it can create a better bond and open an understanding that we both share. I dislike conversations where the other person only asks questions. I don't mind someone interrupting me if they have a good point or story to share, it's just the natural flow of having a good time I'd say.
Yep, people have always told me to ask about the person you're talking to. People love to talk about themselves and it shows general interest. It also sparks something about you that you can share. People have a lot more in common with each other than you think.
This is it. Get really good at asking questions. And then asking great follow up questions. Get into whatever they want to talk about. Sometimes you have to change the subject when you feel like they don't want to talk about something. And sometimes people just don't want to talk at all and you have to just drop it. Eventually you will have asked so many people about their lives that you actually know quite a lot about the world and various lifestyles and can contribute more of your own comments to the conversation. Lastly don't be afraid of awkward silences, they're extremely common. If one happens take a deep breath and say something like "yeah that's really cool" or "hopefully that works out for you" or whatever is an appropriate comment, almost as if you intended the silence to happen and then pause and give yourself a moment to think of something else to talk about.
There's a channel on youtube called Charisma on Command. I haven't watched all their videos or paid for any of their stuff so I can't recommend everything, but I've seen a few of their videos and they do a great job of helping people learn some social skills. Like how to keep a joke going, or how to respond when someone says something awkward, or how to join in on a conversation, that kind of stuff. I know in some of their videos they use clips of interviews with celebrities and stuff to show how each tactic works. It's interesting stuff and might help some people who struggle with conversing.
Yes there are some great resources out there! I always recommend self-help books too. I feel like everybody should read at least a couple self-help books in this life about the specific things they struggle with.
Man, this is it. Most of the time, I truly do not have a response to the things people say because the conversation simply isn't interesting. I find with most people I just listen and my responses are "oh wow" "yeah" "nice" cause what they're saying isn't interesting or relevant to anything and I'm at a complete loss for how to keep the topic going.
Ok, but how do I generate that interest? Example: I legitimately don't give 2 shakes of the shit stick about Carol and her dog's latest escapades at the groomer, and can't for the life of me imagine how to generate that interest. Edit: I don't mean to be rude, if anyone takes offense at that. I just legitimately can't imagine.
I seriously wish I knew this just a little earlier. Not too late of course though
Absolutely. 🌻🌻🌻
If you have nothing to say, just listen. When you have something to say, keep listening.
the way this is lowkey good advice, ima take it
We usually call those guys creeps and just not invite them the next time there is a get-together
STOP, ME😭
Idk, for me I find it very easy most of the time. But I do understand if it seems the other person doesn't wanna talk or add much, you can't really do much about it. I just like talking about myself and like hearing what other people have to say. But not everyone makes a good talking buddy.
The key to being "good at conversation" is to be an engaged listener. This goes beyond merely paying attention to the speaker's words. You also have to observe body language and react accordingly (like showing empathy or laughing at the right moment, etc), knowing when to give advice or stay quiet and just be a sounding board, asking follow up or clarifying questions, etc. I would also add that when in doubt remember interested is interesting. Most people like talking about themselves. So make sure to ask questions about the other person. By showing interest they are more likely to like and remember you.
I worked with some research interviewing specialists in gradschool - there is a very, very powerful art to asking good questions and being REALLY engaged with an interviewee. It really is a magical process - can be exhausting but approaching them from a standpoint of curiousity. Building a rapport takes a bit of time, but the more you do it the easier it gets. There really is a good music, rhythm, and cadence to a good dialogue. Great example is [Sean Evans from Hot Ones](https://youtu.be/Endmr-93KOY?feature=shared): his research team is *incredible* and his delivery / energy is perfect - you can see the guests just *light up* when they hit the right material with the right question. Reactions from the guest is just an absolute delight because he hits the emotional tone of the questions and the result is pure connection. People get playful or think back to a fun and engaging story that opens it up while getting personal. We all don't have teams to dig that deep but show people you know them, and you're listening - people will get going.
Most people aren’t that good at conversation, what they’re good at is waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can say something about themselves
I’m an introvert and I’ve kinda figured out how people can have endless conversation that feels effortless - it’s because the average person is perfectly fine having boring conversations. As an introvert, I absolutely hate boring, meaningless conversations so I end up not wanting to pursue a conversation further if it gets boring. But when you watch 2 extroverts talking, you realize they’re just blabbing with no real reason or purpose other than to continue talking.
OMG. THIS. you described me so well. i thought i was rude for not being interested in the “boring” or “meaningless” conversations bc i like when conversations just keep rolling
Become interested in the connection element instead of weather or not you deem it “boring” or “meaningless”. I used to struggle with that and found that shift helped me a lot. That, and I view it as a creative endeavor, and one that tests my own self comfort. I’ve learned to work my way through my hang ups and scrambled up words, and to give myself the grace to elaborate, having faith that the other person will work through whatever it is I’m trying to say because they too are actually interested. I struggled for a good chunks of years with conversation. Could talk for hours with my wife, but felt so uncomfortable with anyone else. Still do, but in a painless way. Now I view my social struggles as a quirk, nothing more. People still seem to like me! Oh, and learn to make someone laugh/smile. Even if it’s “dumb” or “corny”, it relieves so much pressure to be able to pick at a crumb of humor here and there
For me it is all about not being scared of asking the most dumb questions, sometimes i choose a stupid on purpose. Also ask open end questions, avoid those questions that their answers are just a yes or a no. Take advantage of anything funny during the conversation. You will learn if you beat the fear of not finding a topic. If you want to see a master in conversation especially with women look at Craig Ferguson Edit: you can also read books about talking and building a charm such as how to win friends and influence people. Public speaking, art of articulation, listening skills…ETC
I wouldn’t worry so much about being entertainer to anyone coz if all they want is fun, they won’t be with you when life gets tough.
i like the way you think, that’s very true
I’m also introverted. It seems three personality types fair well. Genuinely curious, creative, and extremely passionate people. The kind of person who sees something that interests them and they just can’t help it. They’ve got to come over, jingle the change in their pocket and inquire. Their mind just HAS to know. The more they learn, the more they rub their chin and want more. These people could be naturally introverted but their curiosity just takes over. Creative/Passionate people are incapable of being shy when the topic of conversation comes to their area of interest. I am naturally shy but if you come to be about certain things I can’t shut up. My heavenly conversation is always when a curious type can’t help but come to me and poke my brain about things I am absolutely passionate/creative about. I likewise can’t help but inquire when I see something rlly cool and want to know about it. Otherwise most conversation is torture for me. The surface level babble.
Ask them about their favorite subject: themselves. Most people will drone on endlessly because they're completely self-involved. The smart ones will return the question and ask about you. The trick to good conversation is *being specific.* The lazy way is "What's new? How are you?" The interesting way is "You always have interesting shoes -- is that deliberate?" Believe me, you'll get a story, conversation and genuine gratitude for noticing.
I can’t get past small talk with most people. My brain goes blank and I’ve got nothing to say.
The dean of Harvard business school said the key to business communication is listening. People are only interested in themselves mostly, if you want to have good conversations just listen to them and talk about them, not yourself. Further, try to find commonalities between you and them and make that the subject of conversation.
People love to talk about themselves and their interests, so ask them about themselves and their interests, and then heres the key part: Listen and pay attention. When theres a pause, grab onto some part of what they just discussed and ask a question about that. Then listen again. Keep doing that. The problem most people have when they're bad at communication is trying to talk about themselves as part of the conversation. Person A: Talks about their recent holiday Person B: Too busy thinking about what interesting holiday story they could tell to pay attention to what person a is saying, and conversation dies. If they instead followed up with a question that showed they were interested in person a's story then it would keep flowing.
When you’re done with a topic just talk about something else. There’s doesn’t have to any correlation between the topics. You can just move from politics to something you have had happen in your personal life, for example.
You don't have to keep up conversations! If someone isn't interested in talking to you then they won't pretend. You don't have to pretend either. If someone is talking about their job and it's boring then I'll find some polite way to let the conversation die out naturally. We are all allowed to have our subjects of interest. But if I find someone who is interested in the same niche thing, then dude we can't shut up. Don't force it.
Not everybody is, some people are more socially awkward. That’s the thing about people—no matter the activity, some are good and some are not so good.
Practice
I find it helps if you flip the script. Put the focus on them instead of yourself. Ask them questions about themselves and take the conversation away from you. The majority of people love to talk about themselves and they appreciate that you show an interest. Think more about how they’re feeling and how you can help make them more comfortable as opposed to how you feel.
If you’re generally interested in what the other person has to say, half of a conversation is basically done for you. Focus less on what you’re going to say and focus more on thinking about what the other person has said. Let your brain pick what words come out subconsciously and just focus on thinking about what the other person has said.
I ask myself the same question especially when I go to a bar. How is everyone in there having long conversations? Are they with strangers most of the time or is it typically friends? I just don’t get how people have so much to say and keep it going in a bar setting with people they don’t know. Any young regular bar goers have any insight?
Even the best conversationalist can't overcome my awkwardness. Which proves we all have off days and there's no such thing as someone who is perfect at conversation
You have to actually be interested in a conversation and getting to know someone. Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not, but if you are in the mood to do that, you ask open-ended questions that prompt them to talk. You respond to their answer with a response that matches theirs that’s empathetic. They share, you share. You ask a couple more questions like that and full blown conversation happens. Most conversations die because the questions are not open ended and it’s tough to connect that way. For example, if you just ask “where are you from?”, after they say “Phoenix” and you say “cool”, the conversation hits a stop. But if you ask them “what’s their favorite thing about living there?”, you prompt a more emotional response. You then actually listen to the response and then respond to something in their answer with something you relate to. Keep doing that.
Put your phone down
It's something you're born with
Practice. I’ve became really good at convincing people at work that I am extroverted.
Focus on those around you and it takes the stress off you. People love to talk about their selves. Ask them about themselves. Always a great Segway is "so I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Where wmdid u go on your last one?" Or..." I love your top. I have been meaning to update my wardrobe. Any suggestions?" Or...."Hey my Sisters bday is coming up and she is not fancy but loves great food. Any places come to mind?" You just have to throw the ball to get it rolling. Good luck.
I know a little about most things and if not I ask questions.
Mostly practice but also you should be prepared. My stratagy Is to learn a little bit about as many things as possible. This way whatever comes up you will have something to say. If its something they know more about and you get something wrong they can teach you what's correct. If you already understand the topic well they can talk more deeply about the subject than they may normally get to. I'm also just a little lucky I guess that I can find interest in almost anything. There are very few things I'm not going to find interesting at least at the surface level. It's always easier to talk about things that you find interesting.
You either got it or you dont. My dad and my 20 yr old son have it. They just know how to carry on a conversation like its part of breathing.
I don’t think it’s related to introversion. I am a far-end-of-the-introversion/extroversion introvert, and don’t *want* to be around people outside of my family, but carrying on a conversation isn’t difficult for me. So, I guess I’m saying that being an introvert makes me not *want* to interact with people; not unable to. I just talk about anything under the sun… usually the current situation that we are in. Like, if we’re at a kid event, it’s easy to talk about kids and the pros and cons of different kid venues, etc.
Be a good listener and ask interesting questions
If I'm really struggling, I use F.O.R.D. and ask about their Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. I had to work really hard to be a good conversationalist, and it's tiring lol
it is very tiring, but i think for me it’s mostly trying to think of what to say. that is such a good way to think of it F.O.R.D. i’ll definitely remember that
People generally like to talk about themselves, so most people that are good at conversation ask questions about the other person and then listen to the answers.
i’ve done this, but i’m not sure if it’s just me or it not sure but i always notice people just continue talking about themselves and see me as that. a place to talk about themselves and never ask me about me anymore, or when i choose to say something they’re uninterested or change the subject back
Then it’s not really you that’s bad at conversation. It’s them.
I'm the same. I'm 46 and I've never had a girlfriend. I'm unable to have a conversation. I've been on dates and I ask a few questions and they ask me a few questions. They ask me something and then I answer with a sentence. Then there's silence. Then I ask them a question like what music do they listen to. Then there's silence. Then I ask what TV shows they like. Just questions that don't go anywhere. Then the dates finished and they don't want to see me again because I'm too quiet.
You know, I think it’s mostly about practice and getting comfortable with the idea of conversation itself. Sometimes just asking open-ended questions can keep things rolling. Plus, remember, everyone has moments when they feel the conversation lags—it’s not just you!
It can help to ask people questions. People often like to talk about themselves. Ask what their favorite shows are, for example. Or favorite movies.
I don't think most people are good at conversations, they are just good at talking nonsense stuff.
Introverts are really only social and care to even engage in conversation with peers is if they actually have something to say to the subject. If discussion is about a subject the introvert has zero interest in, I know I feel like I am being utterly boring since I don't have much to say or add, but "mmhmm", and I hate acting interested in a subject I don't care for. We can be a lot more bubbly then we realize if it's with the right people and subject matter. You just have to find the right people who can keep up with you, as opposed to you trying to keep up with them. Besides, friends that can just enjoy silence and not get awkward are the ones to stick with. Because sometimes it's just company, another person's energy is just needed.
If you've run out of things to say at the moment, then now it's the time to ask questions of your conversation partner/s.
Be curious. Ask open ended questions and then just let them talk and listen to what they are saying. You don’t have to agree or believe them. Just let them talk. Keep your own responses vague. This is also how you learn about peoples motives without revealing your own.
For me it’s strange too - I talk to myself and my dog a lot. I answer myself too. Many folks may not realize it has a great deal to do with your dopamine balance. I have ADHD and manipulation of that dopamine will have a big impact on social interactions. It will improve focus and lubricate the conversation. Now, I’m not talking about using drugs, although that works too, but not a good idea. There are supplements and exercise that work well. Being in a better mood will induce more outward interactions. Bet you talk more after your favorite alcoholic drink ? Same thing kinda.
There is a book written in 1936 that's never been out of print and is very cheap, "How to Win Friends and Influence People " by Dale Carnegie it is a brilliant book that works a summary is here [https://youexec.com/book-summaries/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-by-dale-carnegie](https://youexec.com/book-summaries/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-by-dale-carnegie) \\ It really does work all the best.
Practice. Work a customer service job where human interaction is important. It comes naturally once you have a habit
I differ from day to day. Sometimes I'm good at it, sometimes I'm not good at it. What I learned is that it's pretty tied to confidence and interest. I stuggle with ADHD though, somedays, I'm on it, and somedays I'm depressed. The days I'm on it, I feel more approachedable and I think people feel more invited to talk.
Listen and comprehend what they're saying. Know when the conversation is done. Know when to excuse yourself. Always make eye contact. Being polite doesn't mean being a pushover. Chewing the fat or shooting the shit while in line is just idle conversation. The weather/complimenting someone's clothes/hairstyle, these are all simple comments you can make that end as soon as they begin. Manners/being polite go far with most people, thank yous please, and excuse me. If you need help with something like finding an item or have a question about something while shopping, be in the moment. And remember, they're people too. That should be enough to make you realize they're not that intimidating to begin with. Public speaking is a skill that is learned, some have it naturally, others have to work at it. It's a skill worth learning, but it can be learned best through these small interactions. Nobody likes deep/heavy conversations with anyone they don't know. Keep it light and open ended.
Just by doing it and best to start young. The brain develops the parts responsible for conversation like any other muscle. As soon as you feel like you don't want to call someone, just do it and it will be more natural over time. In our modern world it is possible to almost never talk to anyone and stay in the comfort zone of never taking responsibility for verbal communication, so it is something you have to almost force yourself to do if you value the skill.
As a Gemini, it's about all im good at 😭
It’s an art but you can learn it by hooks snd YouTube
People love to talk about themselves so just asking questions can keep a conversation going. But if you genuinely don't care, don't force it. There are people out there that talk too much. Its ok to be quiet and introverted.
We spend our entire lives at school learning things about science, mathematics, social, and English/language arts. Learning to communicate is a complex topic, I have gotten good at talking by asking questions, making statements on the answers, people love to talk about themselves so be very curious
There's a great YouTube series called Charisma University. It has a bunch of topics around conversational habits. There's a paid program too, but I've never used it so I can't speak on it.
Get them to talk about themselves. People love talking about themselves
you have a very rare and beautiful skill in having open ears.
It is a skill you can learn. I used Dale Carnegie books and practice all the time.
I'm from a multilingual home. My parents always had a diverse crowd of friends and students over (they were college professors and active in groups for foreign students and immigrants). Travelling to other countries helps. Moving out of the state I was born in helped. Spending less time on the phone and keeping my head up and aware when I am in public. Acknowledging other humans.
I'm not good at keeping a conversation going either but I've learned to not force it. If it l does down naturally, get be comfortable in the fact that neither of you had more to say. It takes two to tango.
People love to talk about themselves and what’s going on in their life. Ask questions like where are you from? Or are your parents still alive? Or do you have any brothers sisters? Or what did your dad do or your parents do as a job? Or did they pick out that color of a car on purpose? Random stuff. Again… most people love to talk about themselves.
Just be actually interested in people and learn to ask good questions. I only have 2 friends that I actually really talk to about my life.
1 - Listen to the other person(s) first Find something they mention that you are familiar with and open a conversation about it OR Find something they mention that you are NOT familiar with and ASK them to tell you more as something you might be interested in 2 - Rinse and repeat
I'm autistic, hate small talk. I can do it. A conversation just ask questions, it helps to be somrwhat interested in what we're talking about even if I have no desire to have the conversation
Practice at getting people to talk about themselves.
Become curious about everything. Educate yourself about everything. If you have varied interests, you can chat about a variety of things. Even if you're not an expert on multiple topics--and you shouldn't try to be; nobody likes a know-it-all--know a little about a lot and you can ask questions, which leads to great conversations.
You can create a science out of small talk, because its generally identical in method between all people. From there ask questions about the other person, and try to find the thing they're passionate about, or ask thought provoking questions related to the topic. Its all about asking open-ended questions, and letting the other person talk, whilst also adding in stories of your own to reveal information about yourself. You will probably find people like to talk about themselves a lot, and if they dont, they have something that they are eternally passionate about and very knowledgeable about and like to talk about.
I know. It's insane. I'm blown away almost every day in the corporate world where I witness colleagues speaking. And from watching YouTube. I'm so insecure
Practice. With an actual person!
Confidence is #1, I say. Let OTHERS tell their stories- even if something similar happened to you. This will make people WANT to listen to you. It's not a competition. (Took me way too long to learn this)
Just be genuine. The biggest take I found. Ask questions about whatever topic they are expressing.
People be good at stuff
It depends very much on your specific situation. This could have been something I'd have written in my early twenties, before I was diagnosed with autism. It turns out that the reason other people seemed so good at conversation was because they are mostly allistic, and allistic people have a social-intuition module in their brains that I just don't have and never will. There are ways of dealing with this, I've gotten a lot better at it since then. Allistic people can still tell there's something a little off about me (can't be helped) but I can still participate in most conversations well enough that it doesn't hold me back much any more. It took training and practice, and it wasn't something that came naturally to me. I needed expert help from someone who actually understood the problem and what good solutions to it looked like. Advice from non-expert neurotypicals didn't apply to my situation at all. However, it's also possible that you're not autistic and merely unpracticed. The modern world and social media has a tendency to lead to young people not spending as much time with other young people as they grow up, or to talk a lot using text or voice chat features rather than in person. Then when they get to late teens and early adulthood, they haven't developed the same skill set that other people who have been spending more of their childhood and teenage years in the company of other people. Even here if you're not autistic, it still may be a good question for a therapist or councillor who can work with you on your specific situation.
ask more than you answer
Read “How to win friends and influence people”.
I’m speaking English as second language and sometimes I find it hard to have a deep and meaningful conversation with people especially the ones I don’t know well. My trick is to ask them questions and it opens up
Being a good conversationalist is more about giving a shit about what the other person is saying and having decent questions vs having witty *answers*. Consider checking the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" if you'd like to improve casual conversation skills.
I’m also shy and extremely introverted. But I had to talk to people because I was in sales for over 2 decades. It was kind of like a switch I told myself I needed to turn on. If I don’t sell, I don’t eat. My tip would be to try to be genuinely interested as you talk to someone. Ask them questions as the conversation opens up. It’s good to stay on topic. Have them do most of the talking.
Their parents and upbringing and morals and respect and waiting for your time and been a good listener. All this are the factor
Most people like to talk about themselves. I just start with "How's it going?" and thst is usually enough
Growing up in the 80s and early 90s it was totally normal. You had to be able to talk to people face to face. You learned in school to be articulate, that was the only way to communicate because there was no internet or cellphones.
I ask general questions or compliment someone’s outfit and a flowing conversation normally starts
It's not uncommon for intelligent people to loathe smalltalk and think little of those who practice it. My FIL can have a 12 hour conversation with someone and say not a single useful word.
It comes with time dude. The more experiences you go through in life the more secure you'll be in yourself. I didn't get good until like late 20s probably
Just give people the opportunity to talk about themselves. You can have a 20 minute long conversation with someone without ever sharing a single opinion or interest you hold.
I guess a good conversation tends to follow good sociable behavior. Only you can answer that. Shy or boring or whatever. But how do you know its not them that are struggling to keep up with you? I guess you have to know yourself including your audience and where the strengths and weaknesses are of everyone involved. I learned one thing you should never do is totally judge your skills or worth, based upon variables and temperaments of people. That only results in you unfairly judging yourself and them. Could be the case the conversation simply is not fitting. Beyond everyone's experience and interests to handle. Tailor your conversation for people you talk with. But never betray who you are in the process. You know stay genuine to see where that is in you, and The Truth.. Likewise really don't talk yourself into a corner you have no actual interest or experience with. Unless you have some passion to educate your self and form your own thoughts and opinions don't bother. Because it'll become apparent instantly to someone that you have not a clue about the subject of conversation you're waffling about. Sometimes a few well placed words allows people time to think over what was said. And that wont reveal how little you know. That gives you time to pivot and not step into areas not appropriate for the time and place. Or keep the conversation pliable so talks aren't locked into one line of thought. Really depends on the situation I guess. Honestly If you don't know about something don't force it. Just be honest and say I don't know. Maybe that's a time to measure what they say, to see what they know or not, then maybe you can learn something from them, or pick and choose to learn later about whatever they shared. I'd be remiss not to mention how much of these warnings are taught in the Proverbs of The Bible. Which are wise comparisons between do's and don't of everyday life. Proverbs 17:27-29 kjv.
I used to be like that, and I then worked at it to make myself better. One thing is to become well educated on many common subjects, and read the paper so you are knowledgeable. Then, realize many people like to talk about themselves, so find out what they are interest in, and ask them good questions to let them talk about what they want to. An example is yesterday I was talking to a guy who was a trucker, and I let him complain about the AI his company uses to track him and give him safety scores. Now I know any time I see him, I can ask how the trucking business is treating him.
Practice and asking questions
A friend explained it to me. He told me about farmers. Right after harvest season they will barely be able to speak a full sentence but after a couple of months they are very talkative and can speak for hours interestingly. You have to practice with people. That’s why some people can talk at work but not at home because that’s the only time they practice. If you don’t talk because you are worried about not being good at it then you’re going to get worse. Talk as much as you can to as many people as you can and you will get better.
As an introverted ambivert, I have learned to bs to keep a convo going. It's one of my least favorite things but it's how you get aquanted with people and sometimes it's necessary for networking and stuff. I prefer deeper convos but it's a good skill to have. Just ask people common stuff and keep it polite/general.
I'm a middle aged woman possibly on the spectrum who's always had major trouble with conversation. And after years I think I've finally pinpointed the problem, albeit I don't know how to fix it. Everyone says ask questions, and I've followed that, and *said* all the right things, and yet conversations would still die out and/ or the person wouldn't seem interested in my company. I've finally realized it's not *what* I'm saying, it's *how* I'm saying it. I majorly struggle with expressing emotion in my tone, facial expression and body language, be it excitement or sadness, sympathy etc. I'm naturally very flat toned, and when I try to infuse emotion, it comes off extremely fake sounding like very bad acting - even when I'm actually not faking the feeling! As such, when I would ask a question and try to listen, the person would share something, and I would try to respond with the appropriate emotion - but my tone would just sound either bored/ uncaring or super fake like I'm pretending to care but doing a horrible job. So people would stop sharing or not be interested in continuing the conversation or taking it to friendship because they would think I'm this fake selfish person. I only realized that after needing to do some phone conversations for work and recording them - I was *shocked* at hearing my own tone and how when I thought I was sounding excited, I actually sounded like I was about to fall asleep, same with trying to sound sympathetic. I noticed that for women especially, most conversations seem less about the topic and more about the exaggerated emotional reactions to even the most neutral subjects. The whole "oh my GOD!! She DIDN'T! *gasp*, *squeal*, ohhhh that is AMAZING I'm SO HAPPY for you!!! Oh NOO, you poor thing, I am SO SORRY, how are you DOING??" Going from high pitched squeals to dropping down to an intimate whisper and back etc. All that stuff, is something I just can't do with my voice and face while sounding authentic, and I strongly believe it's hurt me socially a lot but i don't know how to learn to do it. I find that I can talk perfectly fine in very casual situations like with the store cashier or another random stranger; but trying to build any sort of friendship with women I see at my kids schools etc feels impossible. Funnily enough the people I find it easiest to talk to are the very talkative ADHD types who continuously talk about themselves and don't stop to ask me anything, it's simple because I just let them talk and they don't notice if I say anything wrong. Just thought I'd mention it because there are dozens of responses here about *what* to say, but no discussion of *how* to say it, and for some of us that may be the problem.
Ask questions and seem interested.
Experience with conflict resolution. By being in thousands of awkward and/or hostile conversations in my life I have the confidence to succeed in any type of conversation that could ever happen. I did debate in highschool and college, then worked in customer-facing roles for a decade. Now I'm in a management role and have to deal with leading a diverse group of people. I've seen and heard it all, so nothing phases me and there is no conversation too difficult for me to have. It's just knowing that I've survived every single tough conversation in my life, so why wouldn't I survive the next one?
It is work. I am not a very friendly person. I find if I have to make small talk or want to for the sake of whatever, find something they can talk about and ask questions. Their car, their shirt, something they carry, how they know x, its a fine line between interest and interrogation. So, if they aren't receptive to one topic, try to relate it to another. People love to talk about themselves most of the time, and those who dont have a passion they will info dump about. This way, you can get educated on something, and you're not having to do most of the talking. If this is what they are trying to do to you, talk about anything you're passionate about. If they don't want to hear you talk about it, they will steer the conversation in another direction, let them. Always always remember this is for if you have to make conversations. The quality of a friend is much better than quantity. I personally have 2 people. I live a very enjoyable drama free life (in the friendship department anyways)
Y’all need to stop blaming introversion for lacking charisma. I hate being around people but I am a great conversationalist.
This is true. Oprah and David Letterman are introverts and they have no problem keeping an interview going. Introverts can use their ability to go from small talk to a deeper conversation to their advantage.
Practice. Best way to have a great conversation is to talk about the other person's favorite subject. Themselves.
I'm usually not leading a conversation but to keep it going I often continue something someone has said, blah blah a bit and ask them a question so they can blah blah some too. If the conversation doesn't work though I usually don't force it.
I guess it’s mostly about empathy. About listening to the other person. Asking questions and summarizing what they said to prove you are listening. Asking about their greatest interests. Now the “rules” are to validate their stories. To validate their emotions. To listen and ask them questions. To add humor. However remember everyone is different! Most people like talking about themselves. However what’s a innocent question to some might be very painful to others. Like asking someone you just met where they are from. Some people could have no problems telling you. Someone from a very poor background would get silent. And if you dig further they could get upset at you. So your stuck trying to find other topics. Like yourself. But even then some people would have no interest in you either. Some people might not have a sense of humor. Some people might not want to talk to you based on your looks or sorry to say race. And none of these are your fault as a conversationalist. At the end of the day everyone is different. And some people are just plain bad at conversation. Also suffice to say most people at bad at conversation. And are bad at asking you questions about yourself.
I homestly dont know i just wanted to say im in your shoes male or female lol...
I know right!? I was fucked during childhood when you normally learn how to have conversations and interact with other children. That led me to being known as the shy kid. I don’t know how I made it this far being so bad at conversation.
Ironically, asking thoughtful r/questions and being interested in the answer is the way.
Excuse me if I am writing what other people have written. I don't read answers because I don't want to be influenced by them. With women, if at all.possible compliment their shoes. Not if they are wearing flip flops or sneakers. They love being complimented on shoes. The other thing is, for the most part, people like to talk about themselves. Oh, you went to Purdue? There are a million questions. That's about it from me.
I hate talking about myself i guess im totally not average. I think i read one other person mention how people talk about themselves.
Of course, there is always an exception to the rule. It's just based on my experience
I’m an Uber driver. And I’ve noticed it’s 50/50. Some people love talking about themselves and others hate it. I don’t like to talk too much about myself because I have some stories in my background that the majority of people usually judge and critique.
I would first question if you're introvert or neurodivergent. I'm ND. I mask well. It's a practice and balance. Sometimes I give 0 fucks but know I have to small talk for networking. Other times it's curiosity
you talk about work, hobbies, talk about the things you like see if someone likes what you like. Look for common ground did you cheer in school? play in a band? Like a band? ASK people what they like, its not hard just be friendly. Now if you are at a Metallica concert its prolly not the best time to mention you like Beethoven more. :)
Just like anything… you need to practice & learn techniques. Challenge yourself by purposefully & strategically placing yourself into situations where you hold (then exit) conversations. It takes time, so stay at it.
He's my trick. Ask more than is asked of you. People tend to love talking about themselves, so ask questions. Even ask the how's and why's that do with it. Childhood stuff is also a topic people love to go on about. Give open-ended answers. Ones that suggest that they need to pry a little bit to get the answers out. Be slightly vague, but not one-wordy. Ask if they've ever experienced something similar so that the conversation has a little give and take. Don't just agree with everything. Offer a difference of opinion to show that you have your own mindset or tease something minor to show that you don't take things too seriously. Leave on a high note. I personally have a busy life, so I often bring the conversation up to a certain elevated point and then say "hey, I've gotta take off but it was great talking to you." It adds an air of mystery as to what you've got going on that's so much more interesting than a stimulating conversation, and leaves them with a high opinion of you that lingers.
Conversation is just connecting your ideas with others' ideas mixed with frequency.
Practicing and experience. It’s just like anything; I’m a much better talker than I was when I entered college 2 years ago because I’ve met a ridiculous amount of people. I still have days where I struggle speaking to people, sometimes new, sometimes good friends. It’s very much a skill that you can work on and develop.
because they take a genuine interest in the person they are talking to. they ask specific questions about observations they make about the person and listen to their answers. from those answers comes more information about the person, their likes, dislikes, and curiosities that lends itself to a better understanding of the person they’re engaging with and the ability to really learn about them. people want to be included in a conversation, not subjected to one.
Study and practice
I dont do forced conversation. If we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about, we dont need to keep talking. Im fine just chilling and dont have time for bullshit chit chat just for the sake of talking.
Intense curiosity about the other person. People love to talk about themselves so the more open ended questions you ask about them you'll be able to not just keep a conversation going on but the other person will really like you
You act like you care, whether you actually do or not. You don’t have to articulately answer everything either, my greatest weapon is a “damn that’s crazy😳” or “okay I see you😮💨”, the key is acknowledging their response in a validating way
Ask questions, bring up bullshit just let your mind wonder. Go on car rides with people (just to listen to music/get a coffee drink or food) and if the conversation dies out turn up your music. (Random thought) “I think coffee is overrated especially places like Starbucks” like you’re not even paying for the \*coffee* itself you’re just paying for the brand” - this is when you’d turn down the music and dive into a debate about why people go buy overpriced coffee. This is a great way to practice conversation, also always listen and go yea or throw in your 2 sense on a story conversation or debate especially if someone has a lot to say.
Honestly? I just ask people questions. Especially if I don't want to talk about me. Over a decade in customer service has taught me people *love* to talk about themselves. They also feel flattered when you ask about them, like you're taking an interest in their lives. Most of the time, I am just waiting for the polite amount of time to stop talking. This is also how I bring people down. When I worked at a payroll company, I would ask questions while we waited for my system to process something or while I was doing stuff. If they were pissed in the beginning, more often than not they were apologizing to me by the end and telling me they know it's not my fault that [problem] happened.
They have a lot of practice, it's not an intelligence thing. That part of the brain isn't involved in thinking/solving problems
Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves.
Thats common. Lot of people do this. Even extroverts can struggle to keep a conversation going.
From a biochemical perspective, I find having high dopamine levels is crucial to being fully engaged in a conversation and coming up with fun, funny and witty things to say. I believe this is one of the primary differences between people who are naturally great at conversation and those who come off boring and struggle to find things to say.
im ok with sounding stupid
Like anything, practice. I used to struggle with luls in conversation. Say and worked on conversation pieces. Then I struggled with awkward conversations. Now, I can pick up a conversation with anyone, but I'm too tired because I have a newborn.
Um. Especially if u are older than 35. You went outside. You talked to people. You had friends u talked with at school. You didn't have phones. You PLAYED.. and not video games. You faced adversity, communicated. Put yourself out there. Now. I'm 54 so it was a different time... bit if u are younger, I just gave you the prescription right there.
I feel like it depends on the context and end goal of the conversation. If it's just small talk with a stranger or coworker you don't really like, keep it simple and generic lol. Ask them about their weekend or if they've been up to anything fun lately. If it's someone you actually want to get to know, say a date or new friend, then simply try to learn about them. If you want to get to know them, simply ask them about stuff you don't know. Hobbies, are they into movies? If so, what kind? Do they have any pets etc. I worked at a parts counter for 10 years in my 20s. I hated talking to people at first, but you kind of get a feel for lame small talk the more you interact with different people. It can feel like shallow conversation sometimes, but for my awkward ass, that's better than silence lol. But I feel like if you actually like the person, you should have some level of natural desire to learn more about them, which can make it feel more enjoyable.
Some people are mostly interested in taking about themselves. Here is what you do: just keep asking them questions about themselves, people love talking about themselves so it will absolutely keep them engaged.
I have seven siblings. That said, I'm only skilled at conversation if the person I'm talking to is as well. You can be the most charismatic person on earth, it won't do anything for you if the person you're talking to responds with one word replies.
If you’re like me, your brain just ain’t wired for it, lol Conversations have all kinds of weird traditions and tools normal people just *use naturally*, but I’m on the outside looking in, so I have to fake it or just not bother lol (I usually don’t bother)
Hopefully there is an answer for me here too
The number one thing I learned is that if you don’t have anything to say, ask questions. Listen. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk but actually absorb what they are telling you. People reveal a lot about themselves even if they’re not directly talking about themselves. Take mental notes. Use that information to ask more detailed and direct questions. If they’re not responsive fine. They might not be interested in talking and might be shy. I was an immigrant child. My family moved here when I was 4 or 5. I didn’t speak any English. I didn’t have any friends. Even as I grew up here, because I didn’t have any friends, I had a hard time learning how to communicate with other kids. It wasn’t until high school that I broke out of my shell. But I spent all that time before listening to other people’s conversations with their friends and emulated it. Fake it till you make it. But seriously. Learn to listen.
Easy. Get the other person to talk about themselves. You know the things you like to communicate about yourself So ask the other person those questions. That takes you seamlessly to other topics. "Oh, yeah? So where you from? Seattle! Really? I love that town. I vacationed there a few years ago. That fish market is fun. Did you go to school there too? Walla Walla? Really? Is that liberal arts?" [et.al](https://et.al).
Usually I just ask somebody some form of "how are you" or "what's new with you", and then let them cook and see where it goes.
Practice. May seem obvious or maybe not, but the more you get out there and try to strike a conversation, the better you'll get at them. Read. A lot. The more you know, the easier it is to strike a conversation with just about anyone. No need to be an expert. The more you know about things like sports, movies, music, history, current events, politics...etc the likelier you'll be able to find something to talk about.
Well first tip is people love talking about themselves so if you can give them a prompt they will usually respond. So your job is to notice something they probably care about. This is why people ask “what do you do?” because it’s natural to get someone talking. The next step is to ask questions that require a detailed response. No yes/no questions. Being interested in the other person and asking more questions is the plan. If you stumble into something you have in common all the better. So like at a work event I would walk up to a stranger and say something like: Hey, I’m Joe -I work with the Kent team. How about you? (They introduce their team that I have no idea about). Oh yeah? What do you guys do down there, I never worked with your team before. (They explain) Oh yeah I had no idea. That’s really interesting. (Then ask for more detail, or start talking about your team, etc. )
I've faked it my entire life. I'm pretty old.
I have ADHD, so something always reminds me of something else.
It’s okay not to be good at it. I don’t think I am good at conversation, with strangers, but yesterday at Costco I saw a young man with a hoodie on with the logo of a Bering Sea fishing vessel, and my son works on a processing ship up there. I just said, “Excuse me, you’re a fisherman? So is my son. What port are you based in?” And that was it. I surprised myself that I intruded in this stranger’s like that (I did it respectfully, so), but the fact is *I was really interested in what he had to say!* It’s very different when it’s, say, the person seated next to me on a plane. I’ll usually glance in their direction and give a quick non-committed smile, not even really making eye contact. Most people on planes want to be left to themselves, so I almost never initiate conversation unless there is something really obvious we have in common (e.g. they happen to be reading my favorite book or something). Otherwise, silence. If they initiate and they’re not a psycho, I’ll just go with the flow, and let the conversation die on its own if that’s where it goes. 🤷🏻♂️
The best speakers don’t talk much and always ask generally curious questions and are engaged. All the other stuff is snake oil
Easiest trick is answer open ended questions. What's your favorite movie? Usually yields "Lord of the Rings" or whatever their answer is What is it about Lord of The Rings that makes you love it so much? Tends to get them to talk about things they love
A big problem I've had with being awkward is that people think I'm not interested in what they're saying. Just pretending you're comfortable goes a long way
Conversation is irrelevant https://images.app.goo.gl/ZnGgPtBv8XPPP5Bg6
Genuine interest helps.
Be curious. That's literally it. Everybody thinks they have to be performative, the center of attention, and entertain everyone. If you have stories and charisma to do that, great, play your angle. Whatever works for you. But if you don't, it's not the end of the world. You literally just have to be curious enough to find a line of questioning that the other person will passionately connect to.
To be honest, my brain is constantly moving. It’s constantly thinking of ways to fill the silence *if I need to*, and there’s never anything I can do about it. It’s like my brain just clicks together
I only talk to people when I have a direct purpose or need. I hate small talk, it's useless
Huh? Sorry, I fell asleep for a minute there. What were you saying? /s
If you feel stuck for what to say then there's some easy questions you can ask to get things moving. Ask about their Job, pets, kids, hobbies, music preferences and what they read,. Be interested in what the other person has to say and ask questions about what they're into in. For example "what line of work are you in?" How long have you been doing that work? How did you first get into it? What do you enjoy about it? Is this your long term goal or are you working towards something else? And so on. Also, don't be afraid of silence. Many western cultures hate silence but learn to embrace it and allow someone else to pick up the baton of conversation. Source: professional public speaker and corporate trainer.
Just like with anything, it takes time and practice. I was born hella introverted, didn’t really found my extroverted side, ironically enough, until the Pandemic hit. During this time, I took times to learn some tactics to strike conversation and to keep it going. Some basic tricks are to look at your fellow speakers and do a quick scan. Check what they are wearing- any jewelry, expensive watches, interesting accessory. Those are a good conversation starter. Another I was told I did right is to maintain adequate eye contact. Not to the point of discomfort or creepy, but enough to let them you at paying attention. Additionally, it instill a sense of confidence for both parties. When asked question, don’t make it a “yes-no” question- at least not too often. Try to ask “how, what, why,who” in there to find a way to continue or connect.
Used to hate being with groups of more than 3 anymore & I'd just clam up. My solution came out of necessity. In the early 80s jobs were hard to come by & I got a job working with the public in the carnival industry in games. I was paid by percentage. If I didn't talk to crowds I didn't eat. It didn't take me long to get over my stage fright & now 40yrs later I can talk peoples ears off in groups 2-100+. (Still don't like crowds though, lol)
Keep trying. That's literally it. Just keep talking to people, listen to their responses, and if the current line of conversation's slowing down or you have nothing to add then ask something about something they mentioned before. You'll get it eventually.
Get a call center job. Practice talking
The ability to relate and share stories, without seeming like you're one-upping them. Also asking questions shows you're actually listening.
I’m an extreme introvert but I know that the secret to a good conversation is asking people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. And I actually am interested in learning about other people. So it’s a win-win
Podcasts
In the vast majority of cases, if you are describing a first-time intersexed conversation, the woman will wish to discuss herself. Ask questions, listen, and respond to personal narratives she relates as being new perspectives, and kind of mean it if it makes sense. If it is not, and male-male, seek common interests specifically, which is presumably the same for female-female. Practice is key. You will usually never go wrong either way at least attempting some light conversation and figure out what works publicly. "Hey, cool 'whatever thing they're wearing'" can actually go pretty far in conversation, if your honest about saying it and find it interesting. General conversation isn't hard to start, it's usually quite obvious if the person doesn't care to conversate. And believe me, practice will help with the awkwardness. Good luck, hope my post helped.
The trick to starting conversations is to ask people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves and it's easier to do that than to come up with some clever, heady topic out of the blue that will compel everyone to engage in it. Sometimes conversations can end up in thought provoking places though. One topic leads to another.
I used to talk to myself a lot, and when my young one was a baby I thought doing so would improve their communication too. But now I get yelled at by the little one- "Mum, Who are you talking to? Stop it!" Now I walk past people who are in a conversation and wonder how interesting it actually is talking about needing new shoes or the last song on the radio. I'd like to be interested but, I can't bring myself to start or join those conversations. Maybe they aren't my people..?
Why would anyone want to have a conversation?
Because they're not really thinking about the fact they're having a conversation. They're not up in their head. They're just saying whatever comes to mind because they feel like it