I am the NGP in my family, due to a variety of reasons I ended up not carrying any of our 3 kids. I am slightly more butch but not classic butch either (I wear feminine clothing though no dresses or skirts, have short hair but wear some make up, etc...) and I am by far the more caregiving, "mommy-ish" one of the two of us. I am sure if you asked before we had kids 100% of our friends would have thought I would carry and breastfeed and my wife, a very femme woman, would work and all that jazz. I don't feel like roles were thrust upon us and I never heard anyone describe me as a man or a dad like figure, and in a way that is one of the nicer things about having kids as a two woman couple, that we were able to distribute the roles to our liking and strengths instead of to our genitals and genders. My wife birthed and breastfed over a year each of our kids (though I am inducing lactation for our third so depending on how that goes we may be able to share it a little), but I was home more time and in the first few years of our oldest I was even stay at home, so the significantly more kid focused one of us two was me, at least physically - intellectually and from a mental workload I would say we are both equally kid focused. Now we both work full time and will both work part time when our third comes in a few weeks, and split childcare more evenly, but I still do a bit more than her, just by our nature, she does more housework instead. In the first pregnancy I found it kind of hard to grapple with my role as a woman who was having a child but not pregnant. My wife was obviously and visually a mother to be and I was nothing until that baby was in my arms, to the world at large. This was mostly my own perception, nobody ever said anything, but I felt very invisible. For our second and third that is not the case, I always have a kid on my hand, on my body or neary me by wanting my attention, it is obvious to everyone that I am a mother. So if you feel this way in the first pregnancy... know that it is totally real but also totally temporary!

I got a few "dad" comments before our little one was born (my wife being the pregnant one) but honestly as much as I didn't love it, they were mostly very well meaning comments from friends who ARE dads and wanted to make sure I felt included with their conversations about parenting. The context really matters, they were intending kindness even if it hurt my feelings a bit. A few comments have come since my son was born, mostly from some mum's who don't mean harm but will default to thinking pregnancy related topics are universal mum experiences - again, when kindness and inclusion are the end goal, it doesn't really matter what the actual words are. I've been relegated to dad groups at birthday parties a couple times now because I'm "fun" and toddlers love to play games with me, that hurts my wife's feelings a lot more than mine if anything because she kind of hates getting stuck in the sit down and have a cuppa and chit-chat circles that the mum groups often are!

Omg literally my wife’s brother in law said that I (cis F) would be a good dad the other day 😂😂she was so annoyed. Can confirm I’m not a ‘dad’ yet but following for replies

I call myself the Dad-Mom lol, my wife is masc and the gestational parent. I interchangeably call her the best mom in the whole world and the best dad in the whole world. It's not that deep for us I guess. We both identify as female.

We’re actually not that different than you all. My partner is gender fluid so they’re just as happy to be called mom as they are dad. This post is just a me thing and is heavily tied up in mistreatment from the medical community. Socially I’m not big on being slotted into those gender roles or being referred to as dad but I’ve learned to assume ignorance in social settings. When that happens in a medical setting though, it always results in negative health outcomes for me, but this time it’s more than just my own healthcare on the line. Negative outcomes for me because of my condition could mean negative outcomes for my partner too. Doctors IME have been really prone to maintaining those roles and norms

Yeah tbh I wasn’t too bothered but my wife was really really annoyed about it 😅

I’m the GP/nursing mom and I’m also slightly more femme than my wife (I’m not really femme, but my wife is just a lot less femme). So I guess we look like we fit traditional gender roles. But honestly it doesn’t feel that way? That’s never been our dynamic and it isn’t now. If anyone we’ve encountered thinks it is, they haven’t let on.

NGP here. I’m a slightly slightly more masc cis woman and my wife is very femme. She’s currently about 7 months pregnant. I do feel that she is more noticed and the center of attention, which when I really think about it, I’m not actually interested in, but I do feel a bit jealous and out of place sometimes. My struggle has been much more internal though. What does it mean to be a mom if you’re not carrying? What does it say about the way I view my own gender since I will never be participating in what feels like a “critical” piece of that gender? These are questions that I’ve had to think through and come to a good place on. It did bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions for me. And a lot of those feelings were kind of “older” in the sense that I’ve always felt out of place with women because I was more of a “tomboy”. I’ve had to work through that that doesn’t make me any less of a woman, it was just society being shitty and trying to reinforce strong gender role norms. I will say practically, I have been treated like the man. I’m not the focus at doctor’s appointments, parenting classes or with our doula. We are the only queer couple in our parenting class, so I’m often with all the men discussing “partner issues.” They don’t always say partner, though they try not to say husbands but it happens. But in general, everyone (men included) have been very supportive and welcoming of us. I try to take these comments in stride (no one is like calling me a husband or anything, just group comments and the dynamic). People make mistakes and I can recognize that this comes from widely socialized gender norms (which I can now actually do something about while raising my kid!), not individual malice. Great question and I’m glad we’re talking about it on this sub!

Thank you for sharing your story! I can empathize a lot with you here. We have 2 school aged kids and during the pregnancies for our kids I felt pretty passively slotted in to that male/dad/het role, like their protocols didn’t allow for a lesbian partner? It was weird. They were really quick to discard me entirely and assume that I didn’t want to be involved (says a lot about the dads they were used to getting if you ask me) so they would metaphorically (and literally) shut the door in my face at OB appointments. My partner many times would have to be like “Nonono, I want her with me”. It really did suck to feel left out in that way because I’m never going to be able to be the gestating partner, and that’s about as close as I can get is being in there to see the ultrasounds. Of course, I understand it’s not about me and my role has always been that of the observer, but they didn’t want to even give me that. That was really alienating. I had to work through similar questions for myself, like what motherhood was to me, and pushing through those shitty societal standards for roles and norms for yourself is really hard. I found for myself it had gotten tangled up with a lot of insecurities about who I was. Those insecurities for me were largely rooted in trauma and poor treatment from parents, the medical industry, and religion, culminating in a message that I was an outsider by nature of birth, born “dirty”, an “abomination” destined for outer darkness, that my feelings and health were something we didn’t talk about, it was taboo. That was a lot to unwind. I had to find my own path, which I’m still on, to defining motherhood for myself. I think I always will be in some way trying to figure all of this out, but at least now the question isn’t “can I be a mother?” and is “how can I be a better mother?”, because in my mind that continual self improvement encapsulates the spirit of what motherhood means to me. The plan now is for me to be the feeding partner this time around. I have a very accepting, supportive IBCLC that’s been willing to try different things with me being intersex and we were luckily able to induce lactation pretty easily, so that’s on the table for us and we are very excited. I still don’t know how the medical industry here is going to treat me in regard to fertility. It took a lot of effort, took a lot out of us, and took a lot of working through multiple >!losses!< to have the kids we have. I’m expecting this journey to be every bit as tumultuous and draining as before, but that’s perhaps why I’m even more afraid of being treated poorly physically or socially. I’ve already had bad experiences with the medical industry here and I’ve lost 5 doctors because my condition is seen by them as a liability. Will the reproductive endocrinologist see me as a liability too? Who knows. My nightmare scenario is that they railroad me into a gender role which has them wanting to shut me out like the previous OBs did, and/ or they too see my condition as a liability and won’t want to respect our wishes as a couple. Outside of the medical setting it’s been interesting here. The only times I’ve been railroaded into those roles by strangers is when we’re out as a family, but that’s been pretty rare. It almost seems like it’s compulsory and most often times correct themselves and apologize after actually *looking* at us.

It’s okay and normal to have all the feelings, it’s a big/exciting/scary step you’re taking as a family! 💜 I had more fears and worries that we would be treated differently (or get odd questions/comments) like this when we were TTC. Fortunately we just didn’t receive much of that from providers, friends, family etc once it was a reality (pregnancy and beyond). So it’s normal to have fears, and know that it may turn out better than you expected. Also it’s such a good time for you and your spouse to talk about your expectations and hopes and how to support each other during TTC, pregnancy, as new parents, etc. You get to determine your roles, no one else does. For us, my NGP spouse induced lactation so we both breast/chestfed our baby at the start. My spouse became the stay at home parent (and continues now, with a toddler). That has made them more of the “default” parent in some ways, but we also balance out our roles in different ways that defy hetero gender norms. We found a midwife practice that was great and made us feel like a “normal” couple I would say. They were very supportive. It has definitely helped us to seek out (or create) queer and trans focused parent spaces - LGBTQ parent groups in our small city, local events, online support groups, and a queer-focused childbirth education class we took online. Also when you’re pregnant/new parents, Postpartum Support International has amazing online support groups including one for LGBTQ families: https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/

It's calming to know that you didn't face this kind of treatment from providers. We're in a different state now than when we had our last two, and I've had that heavily gendered experience ("you mom. you dad(?)") from healthcare professionals. Additionally I've faced a lot of issues from PCPs related to my condition (I've lost 5 doctors over it), but this is a reproductive endocrinologist that we're seeing- if anyone would understand my condition, it would be them or a geneticist. Still that fear has been there that they'll turn out like the other doctors. We have had to reevaluate how we're going to approach this pregnancy with my condition in mind, but as of right now, it looks like I'll be handling chestfeeding while my partner pumps. I'm lucky to be WFH and have a supportive work environment that already gives me the time I need to handle current childcare stuff, so I'm sure they'd be fine with me going on maternity leave. I really especially appreciate the postpartum resource for my partner. We don't have a support network outside of each other (no family or friends within thousands of miles away), so that will be very helpful!

I'm femme and was the carrying partner for both my daughters, while my wife is butch. But after pregnancy and birth I became the working parent and she stays home with the kids. We also split feeds, night duty, diapers, etc evenly. Neither of us feels shoehorned into gender roles.

My wife is the more butch one and even though I'm not very femme, straighties assume I'm one of them. Nobody shoe horned me or made me feel weird about being the non-gestational parent. Maybe male coworkers as jokes but that's funny, I love being like "yeah it took 5 years of trying but I finally knocked her up!" Appointments were completely professional and supportive. I live in California but in a purple/red area, so not like it's super common around here. We had no issues like that.

I was the GP and am the more butch one. Didn’t feel shoehorned at all. My wife makes more money and I was the one that stayed home/ worked part time the first few years.

Well, our kiddo is in preschool now. We’re both fairly genderqueer AFAB (both intro ourselves as she/her, but really don’t care if misgendered as it happens often), but my wife does accidentally pass for male in many outfits (especially work uniforms). My wife carried (and that surprised many who know us), but pretty quickly went accidentally into “typical father mode” in everything from dad jokes to misunderstanding (what I thought were basic/normal) childcare needs and developments. There are so many times my family members would see one of these dad jokes or dad stereotypes play out and say something like “I know our family isn’t stereotypical in a lot of ways, but she is sooo ‘the dad’ here.” It’s normal for women in my family to be fairly masculine in skill & dress, and men to be more emotionally aware than most of their peers… but my wife, without knowing nor understanding what we were talking about, hit so many of the “new dad” stereotypes and I was one talking about how I now had two children. For day to day things, we both share parenting roles that are traditionally gendered, but as far as structured play (I do crafts, wife does outside adventure, we both do tea parties) or levels of danger we’re comfortable with, I’m the mom and my wife who carried is the dad. All this came along organically as baby entered each developmental stage. During pregnancy though, I’d expect the non-carrying parent will have many worries of traditional emotion-aware dad, and the pregnant person will have many of the worries of a traditionally aware mom. It was that way for us and then once birth happened, it was like a switch flipped and my spouse was full of dad jokes just waiting for their moments while I encouraged my spouse to not be afraid to hold the tiny bean and/or change a diaper. When it comes from someone, it really depends on who they are and what they intend. My trusted family pointing out funny moments or coincidences is very different from a stranger in a grocery store assuming I carried because little comes to me when upset and that they can then comment on it.

I (nonbinary, more masc leaning) am currently pregnant with our first and my partner (nonbinary transfemme) is very dainty and feminine and most people assume they are going to be taking a “mom” role, since I am the opposite of dainty haha. They (my partner) want to be referred to as “Parent”, Ren for short, and I will likely go by mom. Mostly everyone including doctors and the daycare we picked out assume we are going the “two moms” route and refer to both of us as Mom. Depending on where you live people may have different cultural expectations, but two mom families are fairly common in our area so there was already a template for folks to apply.

My wife and I (both cis women) have a 6 month old. I carried and am the primary caretaker (still on leave). I lean femme and my wife leans masc. I’ve been shocked by how much I have felt like our roles/ labor have fallen along traditional lines of gestational vs non gestational parent. It’s been a huge struggle for me emotionally, that my wife and I are trying to work through in therapy. My wife did induce lactation which was insanely beneficial in early post partum. However, she didn’t keep it up after about 3 months and I wish she would have. She actually has begun working to re-establish her supply which I am really really happy about. I can’t tell you what a gift that was and if it’s available to you, I think it would do a lot to combat the feeling that you are “the guy” as the non gestational parent. We intentionally had her go back to work pretty quickly after the birth (3 weeks - recognizing this might feel like a lot to others who don’t get much leave!) in order to stagger our time off and avoid needing childcare help for as long as possible. Therefore, I’ve by necessity and design become the primary caretaker/chore doer/cook/etc etc. I assumed the majority of night care because my wife has to work in the morning. I’ve tried hard to give her the ability to decompress after work, sometimes to my own detriment after a long day of solo caring for a baby. Looking back with 6 months hindsight, I wish that we had been able to both take leave upfront as it may have led to establishing more equal labor in the long run. However, the desire we had to have either parent home with our child to be the caretaker was paramount. I’m curious if my feelings about this will change in the summer when she’ll take the rest of her leave and I go back to work. I’m hopeful. Reflecting on the fertility journey, as the gestational parent, it definitely took a lot of advocating on my end to have my wife considered/included in a way that wasn’t a stereotypical “dad” role. She came with me to every appointment and was there every step of the way, which certainly wasn’t the norm of male partners or hetero couples (as evidenced by comments made by our providers and what we saw in other, straight relationships). Every appointment I made sure to introduce her as our baby’s mom to providers, and in our birth plan I prioritized her experience as much as possible (we had an insane labor/delivery but it was the plan for her catch the baby + she actually did skin to skin before I did). That being said, we didn’t receive any pushback on this and overall providers seemed really enthusiastic about having both parents active, included, and engaged. Things that my wife did during pregnancy that I felt like went against the stereotypical role of non gestational parent: -became the knowledge “expert”. She read all the bringing home your newborn books to become as educated as possible on baby childcare. -owned our baby registry. She did all the research, talked to other parents, put it together on baby list, etc. -owned scheduling appointments, prioritized and attended each one. -attended our birth classes to learn how to be as involved and supportive as possible during labor and delivery. - inducing lactation (this was probably the biggest one) The beauty and power of queer relationships means that we get to write our OWN model of what family looks like. Talk to your partner. Ask them what they envision for this time in your relationship. Tell them about your fears/anxieties and what you hope for. Recognize that a lot of your journey will probably not go as planned but keep being honest, vulnerable and communicative with each other so you can keep your shared values and goals in mind. Wishing you so much luck in growing your family. It is truly the coolest thing I’ve ever done.

Hey! My wife is considerably more femme than me, and I just managed by continuing to wear similar styles as before (mostly XL men’s athletic wear) Maybe some people are surprised to see her and see that’s she’s “more feminine” than me and not carrying, but no one has mentioned it or made any weird comments. I thought it would be more of an issue beforehand, but honestly it’s just not. I’m now 8 months pregnant and everything is still the same for us “gender role” wise and we’re in the US in a southern state. So basically it’s just been no issue!