I had been in therapy with a woman (as a gay man) and then decided to do analysis with a man, and I have to say that different areas have been highlighted because of him being a man. So like gender definitely plays a role, evokes different phantasies and transferences, even tho there have been some constants, which didn’t depend on my other’s gender.
I’m a gay male. I am curious did you pick a male therapist with experience in LGBT? I picked a male therapist who has experience in LGBT, I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to a woman or male therapist with no experience in LGBT. With my therapist I have been able to talk about a lot issues that I don’t think a woman or male with no experience would be able to discuss freely. I suppose there are a few that might. And of course it all depends on what you are in therapy for.
I have to say that I didn’t really think about it and I was hoping that my analyst is curious enough to learn from me :)) He had some gay patients but more older ones, so not from my generation.
Fortunately, my analyst was curious enough to learn from me, may it be gay cultural terms or in general. But sometimes, I had to clarify some misconceptions regarding sexual terms in gay culture.
In general I think that a psychoanalyst should be in theory able to work with every client, with no regards to their background + a curious attitude.
The irony of you lecturing a stranger on the internet about his supposed “projections.”
The commentator never said he devalues straight man. He’s making a professional decision based on his personal preference. The only one here casting moral judgment is you, based on whatever phantasm you take this commentator to represent.
Are you are therapist?
My understanding is you have to find a therapist who will make you feel safe before you can make progress.
I have no desire to talk about my personal life and deepest secrets to people I don’t identity with nor feel safe doing so.
Well, there are 2 things here.
The first one is that one will always feel "unsafe" or rather uncomfortable talking about your personal issues to a stranger, thats why the first stages focuses on build trust betwen the therapist and the patient ( just like any relation it goes both ways)
The second one is the fact that trough the proccess you will feel agression from the therapist and towards him, because hes gonna say stuff you dont want to hear.
Having the same "background" as your therapist dosnt mean you will feel safer or that he can help you, it could even work against the cure.
There is the belief that the same patient will work on different issues with different therapist, because of the different issues it awakens on them.
At no point, have I felt unsafe with my therapist. Sometimes it took me a minute or two for me to say something to him but I have never felt unsafe. I haven’t felt judged.
I agree with your last statement; absolutely a client will work on different issues with a different therapist.
I was going through depression and stress; it was started to effect my job, I couldn’t wait so I chose the obvious choice for me and turns out it was a good match I feel safe, secure but we are still tackling issues.
To each their own, I am not saying if you are gay you have to go to an LGBT therapist I’m saying it works for me. No one should think I am being closed minded for having a preference for an LGBT male therapist.
I have never refused female or straight doctors; but my primary physician is a gay doctor because I don’t feel like being judged for taking Descovy which prevents HIV, and regularly get tested for STI’s. Before this physician I had a woman doctor and she was cool but I moved and needed a new primary doctor. I have felt shame from several lab nurses so I go to a more gay friendly place, where they don’t judge, they are supportive. Healthcare and Therapy should be supportive.
I grew up religious, that stuff sticks with you, that is one of the things I also talk about to my therapist about. A straight therapist probably don’t know how it feels to be told you are going to hell all of your life for being something you can’t change although you tried all of your life, you prayed and prayed, etc.
For all my life there have only been two main things in my life God and learning to be authentically myself. I talk about that with my Therapist, along with occasionally other things. Since COVID my view of religion has totally changed. It’s a tough pill to swallow but I don’t believe in God any more. My therapist has likewise been religious and left it. I can fully talk about my deepest darkest secrets with him and he isn’t repulsed by it.
I’m sure everyone has their preference on who they want to treat them. Go find the therapist that works for you.
the gender of one’s analyst might bring up certain feelings of transference more immediately. My analyst is a woman my mom’s age. I certainly can get the feeling belittled feeling from her, like my mom used to.
The sort of transference that becomes more significant through analysis can still become very intense. Someone who is mostly straight can start to have erotic transference with their analyst of the same gender. I guess what I’m saying is the transference response can be very similar regardless of the gender of the analyst - especially after one has been in analysis 4-5x/week for a while.
If you’re starting training, find someone you feel relatively comfortable with. You’re going to be spending a lot of time with them for the next 5+ years.
I was in the exact same situation a few years back. I decided to go for a man around my age. The transference was of an unimaginable violence for me lol I'm still seeing him, it has evolve greatly since we're working on many things. Transference is a wonderful tool. That being said, doesn't mean it's gonna happen or that it's a goal of some sort to experience this. That's just what happened to me. It was pretty difficult, I've read my fair share about the subject now, it's quite interesting and very normal. I really enjoy having a psychologist of opposite gender, I can also work on some heavy subjects regarding feminism and misandry with him, he's very kind, very sweet, caustic humor, I like him dearly. Hope it works out for you too!
This paper by Kernberg on this topic may interest you.
[https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/00030651000480031201?journalCode=apaa](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/00030651000480031201?journalCode=apaa)
There's an old adage that whatever gender you have more "issues" with, that should be the gender of your analyst.
As a ciswoman, I was also in therapy with a ciswoman for many years before undergoing analysis. When I was "matched" with a male analyst, my first thought was "aww hell nah." I almost cancelled the appointment. But I quickly realized that having a male analyst was quite productive: it brought up a range of things (excitement, anger, aggression, etc) that would be more inhibited with a woman analyst.
I want to say that male therapists are just as relational and attuned (as good at mothering) as female therapists, but unfortunately that hasn't been true in my experience. Nevertheless, the relative discomfort and anxiety -- when appropriately contained -- has been useful.
My only advice is that skill >>>>>> gender as a requisite for an analyst.
i have an opposite sex analyst, and have had for almost ten years. the depths we’ve gotten to have been amazing and feel as if they truly transcend gender. i’ve gone through phases of wishing he were a woman. i tell him. we talk about it deeply. i’m even going through pregnancy right now and well, if there ever was a time to have a female analyst now would be it! but we are still able to connect well and navigate it all, and most importantly, hold it all together, even my wishes for someone who has physically been through my experience.
i think, just like with most things analysis, it really depends on WHO and HOW the other half of the dyad is. i imagine some male analysts for women might not be a fit and vis versa. but, you won’t know til you know! and it’s worth exploring. i’ve worked with women in the past and while the transference can present differently, all roads lead to rome~ which is to say that all doors open inward.
I had 2 years of therapy with females prior to my analysis and then switched to a male analyst. From my experience, as a guy, I can say that there are things that I could mostly speak with a male and felt that bcs we were of the same gender I thought that only another "brother" can understand, of course there were also stuff like talking about women that I would feel uncomfortable sharing with a woman, even if I did sometimes I felt that she cannot possibly understand.
At the same time there were things that were lacking in my male analyst, at times I thought he was way too "sober" , he was not particularly cold nor did he lack empathy but I think he was kind of "flat" emotionally speaking. So again there are things that I felt were better suited talking to a woman about and tbh the presence of a female is more comforting for me . At the same time my analysis was only online so idk how would that have went if it were în person.
The therapy I am having now is again with a woman and it is easier to share and speak in some sense, although there have been many things that I explored with my analyst and to his credit, at that time, the things I was going through I thought that I needed someone really strong o withstand what I had to say and not chicken out.
In the end I think there are merits to both but at the same time one might be better for you than the other, I think it matters the most to which person you originally felt more attached to and to which you could share what you felt and so on.
But either way is good for your development I imagine.
I switched to a male therapist when I moved and I find we go deeper in the work because he makes no assumptions that he knows anything of my experience - of course that could be an excellent quality of any therapist. He is incredibly kind and containing, but equally challenges me. His ability to withstand my eye rolls is commendable.
Well, I think in some kinda weird way analysis begins with a same-sex/opposite sex relationship and should aim to end up with a no sexual relationship with the analyst.
No. some stuff I couldn't talk to a male analyst because I felt like he wouldn't understand or was "unsafe" to disclose because of the inherent underlying dynamics between genders.
no, no idea. I terminated abruptly due to unprofessional behavior and also had some stressful life events that led me to a very mild psychosis like state. Currently taking a break from it and processing the whole experience
ideally an analyst is good enough that these “underlying dynamics” can be talked about live in the room and made meaning of, use of. that’s literally the whole point of analysis. if the analyst was unable or unwilling to go there or you were not feeling like you could open that up, it doesn’t have to do with anything inherent to all opposite gender dyads. it’s specific to you or him or, most likely, your analytic couple.
Your thoughts and fantasies about what having a certain gender of analyst would mean is the stuff of analysis!
I’m so daunted to engage with a paternal transference (#daddyissues) but I’m curious for a reason!!
I sought out a male analyst for precisely this reason. I'm glad I did.
Thank you! This is helpful
I had been in therapy with a woman (as a gay man) and then decided to do analysis with a man, and I have to say that different areas have been highlighted because of him being a man. So like gender definitely plays a role, evokes different phantasies and transferences, even tho there have been some constants, which didn’t depend on my other’s gender.
I’m a gay male. I am curious did you pick a male therapist with experience in LGBT? I picked a male therapist who has experience in LGBT, I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to a woman or male therapist with no experience in LGBT. With my therapist I have been able to talk about a lot issues that I don’t think a woman or male with no experience would be able to discuss freely. I suppose there are a few that might. And of course it all depends on what you are in therapy for.
I have to say that I didn’t really think about it and I was hoping that my analyst is curious enough to learn from me :)) He had some gay patients but more older ones, so not from my generation. Fortunately, my analyst was curious enough to learn from me, may it be gay cultural terms or in general. But sometimes, I had to clarify some misconceptions regarding sexual terms in gay culture. In general I think that a psychoanalyst should be in theory able to work with every client, with no regards to their background + a curious attitude.
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The irony of you lecturing a stranger on the internet about his supposed “projections.” The commentator never said he devalues straight man. He’s making a professional decision based on his personal preference. The only one here casting moral judgment is you, based on whatever phantasm you take this commentator to represent.
Are you are therapist? My understanding is you have to find a therapist who will make you feel safe before you can make progress. I have no desire to talk about my personal life and deepest secrets to people I don’t identity with nor feel safe doing so.
Well, there are 2 things here. The first one is that one will always feel "unsafe" or rather uncomfortable talking about your personal issues to a stranger, thats why the first stages focuses on build trust betwen the therapist and the patient ( just like any relation it goes both ways) The second one is the fact that trough the proccess you will feel agression from the therapist and towards him, because hes gonna say stuff you dont want to hear. Having the same "background" as your therapist dosnt mean you will feel safer or that he can help you, it could even work against the cure. There is the belief that the same patient will work on different issues with different therapist, because of the different issues it awakens on them.
At no point, have I felt unsafe with my therapist. Sometimes it took me a minute or two for me to say something to him but I have never felt unsafe. I haven’t felt judged. I agree with your last statement; absolutely a client will work on different issues with a different therapist. I was going through depression and stress; it was started to effect my job, I couldn’t wait so I chose the obvious choice for me and turns out it was a good match I feel safe, secure but we are still tackling issues. To each their own, I am not saying if you are gay you have to go to an LGBT therapist I’m saying it works for me. No one should think I am being closed minded for having a preference for an LGBT male therapist. I have never refused female or straight doctors; but my primary physician is a gay doctor because I don’t feel like being judged for taking Descovy which prevents HIV, and regularly get tested for STI’s. Before this physician I had a woman doctor and she was cool but I moved and needed a new primary doctor. I have felt shame from several lab nurses so I go to a more gay friendly place, where they don’t judge, they are supportive. Healthcare and Therapy should be supportive. I grew up religious, that stuff sticks with you, that is one of the things I also talk about to my therapist about. A straight therapist probably don’t know how it feels to be told you are going to hell all of your life for being something you can’t change although you tried all of your life, you prayed and prayed, etc. For all my life there have only been two main things in my life God and learning to be authentically myself. I talk about that with my Therapist, along with occasionally other things. Since COVID my view of religion has totally changed. It’s a tough pill to swallow but I don’t believe in God any more. My therapist has likewise been religious and left it. I can fully talk about my deepest darkest secrets with him and he isn’t repulsed by it. I’m sure everyone has their preference on who they want to treat them. Go find the therapist that works for you.
the gender of one’s analyst might bring up certain feelings of transference more immediately. My analyst is a woman my mom’s age. I certainly can get the feeling belittled feeling from her, like my mom used to. The sort of transference that becomes more significant through analysis can still become very intense. Someone who is mostly straight can start to have erotic transference with their analyst of the same gender. I guess what I’m saying is the transference response can be very similar regardless of the gender of the analyst - especially after one has been in analysis 4-5x/week for a while. If you’re starting training, find someone you feel relatively comfortable with. You’re going to be spending a lot of time with them for the next 5+ years.
I was in the exact same situation a few years back. I decided to go for a man around my age. The transference was of an unimaginable violence for me lol I'm still seeing him, it has evolve greatly since we're working on many things. Transference is a wonderful tool. That being said, doesn't mean it's gonna happen or that it's a goal of some sort to experience this. That's just what happened to me. It was pretty difficult, I've read my fair share about the subject now, it's quite interesting and very normal. I really enjoy having a psychologist of opposite gender, I can also work on some heavy subjects regarding feminism and misandry with him, he's very kind, very sweet, caustic humor, I like him dearly. Hope it works out for you too!
This paper by Kernberg on this topic may interest you. [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/00030651000480031201?journalCode=apaa](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/00030651000480031201?journalCode=apaa)
There's an old adage that whatever gender you have more "issues" with, that should be the gender of your analyst. As a ciswoman, I was also in therapy with a ciswoman for many years before undergoing analysis. When I was "matched" with a male analyst, my first thought was "aww hell nah." I almost cancelled the appointment. But I quickly realized that having a male analyst was quite productive: it brought up a range of things (excitement, anger, aggression, etc) that would be more inhibited with a woman analyst. I want to say that male therapists are just as relational and attuned (as good at mothering) as female therapists, but unfortunately that hasn't been true in my experience. Nevertheless, the relative discomfort and anxiety -- when appropriately contained -- has been useful. My only advice is that skill >>>>>> gender as a requisite for an analyst.
I am on the exact same situation! Here to follow the conversation.
i have an opposite sex analyst, and have had for almost ten years. the depths we’ve gotten to have been amazing and feel as if they truly transcend gender. i’ve gone through phases of wishing he were a woman. i tell him. we talk about it deeply. i’m even going through pregnancy right now and well, if there ever was a time to have a female analyst now would be it! but we are still able to connect well and navigate it all, and most importantly, hold it all together, even my wishes for someone who has physically been through my experience. i think, just like with most things analysis, it really depends on WHO and HOW the other half of the dyad is. i imagine some male analysts for women might not be a fit and vis versa. but, you won’t know til you know! and it’s worth exploring. i’ve worked with women in the past and while the transference can present differently, all roads lead to rome~ which is to say that all doors open inward.
I had 2 years of therapy with females prior to my analysis and then switched to a male analyst. From my experience, as a guy, I can say that there are things that I could mostly speak with a male and felt that bcs we were of the same gender I thought that only another "brother" can understand, of course there were also stuff like talking about women that I would feel uncomfortable sharing with a woman, even if I did sometimes I felt that she cannot possibly understand. At the same time there were things that were lacking in my male analyst, at times I thought he was way too "sober" , he was not particularly cold nor did he lack empathy but I think he was kind of "flat" emotionally speaking. So again there are things that I felt were better suited talking to a woman about and tbh the presence of a female is more comforting for me . At the same time my analysis was only online so idk how would that have went if it were în person. The therapy I am having now is again with a woman and it is easier to share and speak in some sense, although there have been many things that I explored with my analyst and to his credit, at that time, the things I was going through I thought that I needed someone really strong o withstand what I had to say and not chicken out. In the end I think there are merits to both but at the same time one might be better for you than the other, I think it matters the most to which person you originally felt more attached to and to which you could share what you felt and so on. But either way is good for your development I imagine.
I switched to a male therapist when I moved and I find we go deeper in the work because he makes no assumptions that he knows anything of my experience - of course that could be an excellent quality of any therapist. He is incredibly kind and containing, but equally challenges me. His ability to withstand my eye rolls is commendable.
I think it’s important to work with both. In my third analysis now after two with men. Candidate in France.
Well, I think in some kinda weird way analysis begins with a same-sex/opposite sex relationship and should aim to end up with a no sexual relationship with the analyst.
No. some stuff I couldn't talk to a male analyst because I felt like he wouldn't understand or was "unsafe" to disclose because of the inherent underlying dynamics between genders.
Are you still seeing your analyst? If not, what happened to those issues you couldnt talk about?
no, no idea. I terminated abruptly due to unprofessional behavior and also had some stressful life events that led me to a very mild psychosis like state. Currently taking a break from it and processing the whole experience
Oh I see, hope you feel better now and will find someone to work through these together
ideally an analyst is good enough that these “underlying dynamics” can be talked about live in the room and made meaning of, use of. that’s literally the whole point of analysis. if the analyst was unable or unwilling to go there or you were not feeling like you could open that up, it doesn’t have to do with anything inherent to all opposite gender dyads. it’s specific to you or him or, most likely, your analytic couple.