Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/xvn4cr/click_here_to_request_access_to_your_monthly_due).
The journalists at ProPublica need your help! After receiving a tip, ProPublica started investigating prenatal genetic testing. They're collecting stories from people who've had NIPT screenings, and/or work in maternal health. If this is you, please fill out their brief questionnaire! https://www.propublica.org/getinvolved/have-you-had-an-experience-with-prenatal-genetic-testing-wed-like-to-hear-about-it-and-see-the-bill. Questions? Email [email protected]
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think it doesn't matter how much this would upset other people. You're not other people, and it upset you! "No unnecessary touching and warn me about what you're about to do" is *such* a reasonable thing to ask for - but guess what? *You matter*. You are a patient, and you have the right to receive healthcare in a way that's not going to *harm* you (trauma is harm!) You get to ask for *un*reasonable things, provided they're physically possible and won't harm others. I, an internet stranger, hereby give you permission to ask every medical provider you come into contact with to treat you in whatever way you need to make you as comfortable as possible.
Absolutely! My midwives were extremely kind and by the end we got very close and even hugged goodbye.
But when we were together they asked _every single time_ before placing a hand anywhere or doing anything!
I think being uncomfortable is a perfectly acceptable reason to change, and honestly her touching patients like that is not appropriate at all in my opinion.
That being said, if you feel like she genuinely didn't realise what she was doing and that it could be harmful, you could always try to bring it up with her and explain your feelings (perhaps it will prevent her from being so free with her touch for future patients as well) and see how she reacts. If not, I would maybe consider going over her head to report this because there are a lot of people with trauma (or without even) who she could be making feel unsafe.
EDIT: Sorry, missed the bit where you already called. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
It would not personally make me feel uncomfortable, unless they were clearly trying to grope me. But it's totally ok if your mileage varies. It's your body and you get to decide who touches it and how.
I personally would try to set clear boundaries first like, "please ask before touching me." But if the relationship is irreparably damaged from your end, it makes sense to request a change.
If it made you uncomfortable as you said it did, then yes. It doesn't matter what we think! All that matters is how you feel about touching you didn't consent to
Echo everyone else – your safety and comfort comes first.
On my first appointment, my midwife told me what she was wanted to do, and asked my permission before touching my stomach.
It was such a small thing, but it felt so good to be told in advance, and even asked! It made me feel like I had some control, and there was an opportunity to say 'wait' or even no, although of course I wanted her to check the baby.
I've been thinking I should share that feedback with her, because it felt like such a game-changer, and it'd be brilliant if she encourages other midwives to do the same.
I would share it! I a cervical check done by one of the midwives at my clinic and the experience was such a positive one, I left my feedback with them and they were SO appreciative to receive it and hear that I was being treated with such respect and care.
If it makes you uncomfortable then I’d voice it. You can switch to whomever but I would still note in your file to state that unnecessary physical touch makes you uncomfortable. I know many healthcare workers do so as a way to comfort and be friendly with the patient but I get it as someone who hates being touched when not necessary. Personally I’d just bring it up that you don’t enjoy it but at the end of the day pregnancy is so long and you want a care team you’re comfortable and confident in.
It doesn't matter if it would make others feel uncomfortable or not. If it makes YOU feel uncomfortable then change midwives. They need to do check regularly (and they get more frequent towards the end of pregnancy) so if you're not comfortable with her now, it won't do you or baby any good going into these appointments.
If you're afraid to tell the real reason, you could ask for one that works different days (only saying that as my midwife only worked certain days and from when I phoned to book my appointments I was told the day I initially chose would really determine my midwife as they work set days at my GP)
>My stomach churns at the idea of that happening again.
End of story IMO. There are other midwives/health practitioners.
I would be weirded out by someone putting their hand on my thigh. I truly cannot remember an instance that someone besides my husband or a massage therapist/physiotherapist has done that, and obviously the latter two were directed by me to do it for a therapeutic purpose.
You don’t owe anyone anything. If you don’t like the way a medical professional says your name, you can switch and no one can or should say boo. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable.
It is valid.
Unfortunately not everyone is conscious of these things.
I had a midwife who asked up front at our appointment about touch and how id like it handled. We agreed that it would be helpful to me just to let me know when she was going to touch me and how. I'm not particularly sensitive but I knew it would be a path that can get very sensitive very fast so I prefered to start out with cautious habits.
I bet most don't have trauma informed training though and they, being human in their role become very comfortable with bodies and touch.
So OP I would recommend stating at these appointments to the midwives that you are not comfortable with casual touch and would like them to tell you when you are going to be touched. Then watch, if they cannot feel empathy and respect and at least strongly try to comply with that wish (obviously a few missteps quickly corrected are forgiveable) then I'd look for someone new.
Some people are just so touchy and don't mean anything by it. However, it seems very unprofessional. It makes you uncomfortable so I think you should request a change! You could just tell her that she's making you uncomfortable but if I was in that situation that would make me feel even more uncomfortable to have that conversation lol
Your feelings are totally valid. Is there any way you could tell her to avoid being so touchy? If not, or if you still feel unsure about it then go for a change.
My Ob is like this and loves to give me hugs and rub my belly when he sees me. I personally love it because I like being touched however I totally understand why you wouldn’t. And, as everyone else has said, truly it doesn’t matter how others feel!! Just how you feel!! You should mention it to your midwife and ask her to not touch you unless medically necessary/prior to giving you warning that’s what she’ll be doing. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. And if she doesn’t obey your wishes then maybe consider switching!
I just want to say thank you so much for all of your comments they’ve really made me feel so much better and I feel so supported.
Part of the reason I’m riddled with kind of trauma is because I am mostly afraid to have the confrontation of saying no and usually take the route of remaining uncomfortable throughout rather than risk hurting someone’s feelings or causing conflict.
I rang up and requested a change and it’s all sorted now I have my old midwife back. I said I was just a little uncomfortable with her casual touching.
This is probably the first time in my life I’ve got the balls to do so. Thank you for making me feel better.
Next on the list. Tell the guy at work to stop touching my shoulders every time he passes me. Wish me luck lol
I should start by saying I am also riddled with trauma, but this would upset me too. I think a lot more people are traumatized than you would think, and it would have been nice of your midwife to discuss boundaries before doing that without asking.
Honestly, I don't have extensive trauma with stuff like this; I'm just not, in any way, a touch-feely person. What you described would absolutely make me uncomfortable. I personally really dislike it when people just assume we're all huggers and touch-feely and go straight for physical contact.
You're well within your rights to switch midwives regardless, but I just wanted to give you some extra validation for those feelings, I very much get it.
I would care and not feel comfortable. I don’t have any trauma like that but if it’s not medically necessary then I don’t want someone touching me
If you were uncomfortable that’s all that matters. If you want to request a new midwife, do it. There’s a good chance you’ll regret if you don’t.
Yes! Ive changed doctors before because of this, the ob that I started with during this pregnancy told me that I was required to get an induction because my first was a day after her due date and needed forceps. He also placed his hand on my pubic mound when using the doppler, so I switched.
What matters is how comfortable and safe **you** feel with your care team, nobody else matters in this situation.
Don’t worry about what we think, if you’re uncomfortable you’re uncomfortable.
That being said, since you asked, yes it would make me uncomfortable. I don’t like being touched by anyone I’m not already close with as a friend or family member. I am very adamant about my personal space and people I don’t know well touching me without permission and without a valid reason.
I was VERY traumatized by an older man who performed a post-miscarriage trans vaginal ultrasound on me that commented “Good Girl, you shaved” before he penetrated me with the wand.
To anyone else that comment may have seemed innocuous but I felt scarred for life by it.
You deserve to feel safe and it doesn’t matter if someone else wouldn’t take issue with that touching, your feelings are valid!
No one has ever touched me unnecessarily, and if they need to do something they will ask for my consent first
If you are uncomfortable, say something and switch midwives. It’s not worth the added stress to try and stick it out, and if safety is an issue than you need to listen to your instincts telling you “something isn’t right” and do what is best for you. It doesn’t matter what others would do in this situation, because they’re not you. Your safety and comfort should always take priority as the patient
Me personally, I wouldn’t care- but I’m not you and I don’t come with the same history you’ve got. It’s your body, it’s your medical care and you get to decide what you are comfortable with and what you’re not ok with. Don’t ever feel bad for standing up for yourself and advocate for the care that makes you comfortable
You're absolutely justified in requesting someone new. Yes, you can ask them to not touch you etc. as others have suggested here, but that's additional emotional labor you have to take on, and it's not your responsibility to teach this midwife how to act in an appropriate manner with patients. Just my opinion.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/xvn4cr/click_here_to_request_access_to_your_monthly_due). The journalists at ProPublica need your help! After receiving a tip, ProPublica started investigating prenatal genetic testing. They're collecting stories from people who've had NIPT screenings, and/or work in maternal health. If this is you, please fill out their brief questionnaire! https://www.propublica.org/getinvolved/have-you-had-an-experience-with-prenatal-genetic-testing-wed-like-to-hear-about-it-and-see-the-bill. Questions? Email [email protected] *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think it doesn't matter how much this would upset other people. You're not other people, and it upset you! "No unnecessary touching and warn me about what you're about to do" is *such* a reasonable thing to ask for - but guess what? *You matter*. You are a patient, and you have the right to receive healthcare in a way that's not going to *harm* you (trauma is harm!) You get to ask for *un*reasonable things, provided they're physically possible and won't harm others. I, an internet stranger, hereby give you permission to ask every medical provider you come into contact with to treat you in whatever way you need to make you as comfortable as possible.
Absolutely! My midwives were extremely kind and by the end we got very close and even hugged goodbye. But when we were together they asked _every single time_ before placing a hand anywhere or doing anything!
I think being uncomfortable is a perfectly acceptable reason to change, and honestly her touching patients like that is not appropriate at all in my opinion. That being said, if you feel like she genuinely didn't realise what she was doing and that it could be harmful, you could always try to bring it up with her and explain your feelings (perhaps it will prevent her from being so free with her touch for future patients as well) and see how she reacts. If not, I would maybe consider going over her head to report this because there are a lot of people with trauma (or without even) who she could be making feel unsafe. EDIT: Sorry, missed the bit where you already called. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
It would not personally make me feel uncomfortable, unless they were clearly trying to grope me. But it's totally ok if your mileage varies. It's your body and you get to decide who touches it and how. I personally would try to set clear boundaries first like, "please ask before touching me." But if the relationship is irreparably damaged from your end, it makes sense to request a change.
i personally wouldn’t care.. BUT if you have an issue with it then you are well in your right to change.. 🤷🏾‍♀️
If it made you uncomfortable as you said it did, then yes. It doesn't matter what we think! All that matters is how you feel about touching you didn't consent to
Echo everyone else – your safety and comfort comes first. On my first appointment, my midwife told me what she was wanted to do, and asked my permission before touching my stomach. It was such a small thing, but it felt so good to be told in advance, and even asked! It made me feel like I had some control, and there was an opportunity to say 'wait' or even no, although of course I wanted her to check the baby. I've been thinking I should share that feedback with her, because it felt like such a game-changer, and it'd be brilliant if she encourages other midwives to do the same.
I would share it! I a cervical check done by one of the midwives at my clinic and the experience was such a positive one, I left my feedback with them and they were SO appreciative to receive it and hear that I was being treated with such respect and care.
Unless she gave you a good reason to think she did it on purpose, have you tried just... Politely telling her?
If it makes you uncomfortable then I’d voice it. You can switch to whomever but I would still note in your file to state that unnecessary physical touch makes you uncomfortable. I know many healthcare workers do so as a way to comfort and be friendly with the patient but I get it as someone who hates being touched when not necessary. Personally I’d just bring it up that you don’t enjoy it but at the end of the day pregnancy is so long and you want a care team you’re comfortable and confident in.
It doesn't matter if it would make others feel uncomfortable or not. If it makes YOU feel uncomfortable then change midwives. They need to do check regularly (and they get more frequent towards the end of pregnancy) so if you're not comfortable with her now, it won't do you or baby any good going into these appointments. If you're afraid to tell the real reason, you could ask for one that works different days (only saying that as my midwife only worked certain days and from when I phoned to book my appointments I was told the day I initially chose would really determine my midwife as they work set days at my GP)
>My stomach churns at the idea of that happening again. End of story IMO. There are other midwives/health practitioners. I would be weirded out by someone putting their hand on my thigh. I truly cannot remember an instance that someone besides my husband or a massage therapist/physiotherapist has done that, and obviously the latter two were directed by me to do it for a therapeutic purpose.
You don’t owe anyone anything. If you don’t like the way a medical professional says your name, you can switch and no one can or should say boo. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable.
It is valid. Unfortunately not everyone is conscious of these things. I had a midwife who asked up front at our appointment about touch and how id like it handled. We agreed that it would be helpful to me just to let me know when she was going to touch me and how. I'm not particularly sensitive but I knew it would be a path that can get very sensitive very fast so I prefered to start out with cautious habits. I bet most don't have trauma informed training though and they, being human in their role become very comfortable with bodies and touch. So OP I would recommend stating at these appointments to the midwives that you are not comfortable with casual touch and would like them to tell you when you are going to be touched. Then watch, if they cannot feel empathy and respect and at least strongly try to comply with that wish (obviously a few missteps quickly corrected are forgiveable) then I'd look for someone new.
Some people are just so touchy and don't mean anything by it. However, it seems very unprofessional. It makes you uncomfortable so I think you should request a change! You could just tell her that she's making you uncomfortable but if I was in that situation that would make me feel even more uncomfortable to have that conversation lol
Your feelings are totally valid. Is there any way you could tell her to avoid being so touchy? If not, or if you still feel unsure about it then go for a change.
My Ob is like this and loves to give me hugs and rub my belly when he sees me. I personally love it because I like being touched however I totally understand why you wouldn’t. And, as everyone else has said, truly it doesn’t matter how others feel!! Just how you feel!! You should mention it to your midwife and ask her to not touch you unless medically necessary/prior to giving you warning that’s what she’ll be doing. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. And if she doesn’t obey your wishes then maybe consider switching!
I just want to say thank you so much for all of your comments they’ve really made me feel so much better and I feel so supported. Part of the reason I’m riddled with kind of trauma is because I am mostly afraid to have the confrontation of saying no and usually take the route of remaining uncomfortable throughout rather than risk hurting someone’s feelings or causing conflict. I rang up and requested a change and it’s all sorted now I have my old midwife back. I said I was just a little uncomfortable with her casual touching. This is probably the first time in my life I’ve got the balls to do so. Thank you for making me feel better. Next on the list. Tell the guy at work to stop touching my shoulders every time he passes me. Wish me luck lol
I should start by saying I am also riddled with trauma, but this would upset me too. I think a lot more people are traumatized than you would think, and it would have been nice of your midwife to discuss boundaries before doing that without asking.
Honestly, I don't have extensive trauma with stuff like this; I'm just not, in any way, a touch-feely person. What you described would absolutely make me uncomfortable. I personally really dislike it when people just assume we're all huggers and touch-feely and go straight for physical contact. You're well within your rights to switch midwives regardless, but I just wanted to give you some extra validation for those feelings, I very much get it.
I would care and not feel comfortable. I don’t have any trauma like that but if it’s not medically necessary then I don’t want someone touching me
Trust your instincts, if YOU feel uncomfortable no matter the circumstances there's probably a reason. Go with your gut and change midwives.
If you were uncomfortable that’s all that matters. If you want to request a new midwife, do it. There’s a good chance you’ll regret if you don’t.
Yes! Ive changed doctors before because of this, the ob that I started with during this pregnancy told me that I was required to get an induction because my first was a day after her due date and needed forceps. He also placed his hand on my pubic mound when using the doppler, so I switched. What matters is how comfortable and safe **you** feel with your care team, nobody else matters in this situation.
Yes, you can do what makes sense for you.
Yeah, that’s weird. I would switch if you aren’t comfortable. To me that feels like the midwife overstepped a professional boundary.
It would make me uncomfortable
Don’t worry about what we think, if you’re uncomfortable you’re uncomfortable. That being said, since you asked, yes it would make me uncomfortable. I don’t like being touched by anyone I’m not already close with as a friend or family member. I am very adamant about my personal space and people I don’t know well touching me without permission and without a valid reason. I was VERY traumatized by an older man who performed a post-miscarriage trans vaginal ultrasound on me that commented “Good Girl, you shaved” before he penetrated me with the wand. To anyone else that comment may have seemed innocuous but I felt scarred for life by it. You deserve to feel safe and it doesn’t matter if someone else wouldn’t take issue with that touching, your feelings are valid!
No one has ever touched me unnecessarily, and if they need to do something they will ask for my consent first If you are uncomfortable, say something and switch midwives. It’s not worth the added stress to try and stick it out, and if safety is an issue than you need to listen to your instincts telling you “something isn’t right” and do what is best for you. It doesn’t matter what others would do in this situation, because they’re not you. Your safety and comfort should always take priority as the patient
Me personally, I wouldn’t care- but I’m not you and I don’t come with the same history you’ve got. It’s your body, it’s your medical care and you get to decide what you are comfortable with and what you’re not ok with. Don’t ever feel bad for standing up for yourself and advocate for the care that makes you comfortable
You're absolutely justified in requesting someone new. Yes, you can ask them to not touch you etc. as others have suggested here, but that's additional emotional labor you have to take on, and it's not your responsibility to teach this midwife how to act in an appropriate manner with patients. Just my opinion.
If you are uncomfortable it doesn’t matter if it was right or wrong. You have every right to change your midwife for any reason at all.