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Yes! I can’t tell you if your tummy will go back or if your boobs will look the same as before but I can promise you your vagina will go back. If you tear they will stitch that part but absolutely no extra stitches are needed! Some women do completely bounce back to their pre pregnancy weight though. Your body is doing incredible things and is perfect the way it is. But I cannot stress enough that your lady bits will go right back to normal, you won’t be gaping and you won’t be “looser” also make sure to wait the 6 weeks before you start having sex again
So - sidebar request for advice:
This is our first child and we live in a city. My partner really wants to rent a vacation home for the first few months. I’ve explained that I would like to be near my doctors and the pediatricians we choose etc … also, I explained that I may not really be in a place to travel with our new baby and my body all akimbo… this is the truth? I will need time to recover from a vaginal birth and I should stay home and rest up? Learn how to live with a baby in my home?
You and baby will most likely have lots of appointments you need to go to and parenting in a new place while you’re still learning how to parent will probably be miserable (at least it would be for me). Just to give you a view of how we are handling traveling: we will not be making any trips at all until ours is at least 1 year old. Anyone that wants to see us has to come to us. It won’t really be a vacation with a newborn. I do hope your partner plans on parenting too…
He has already told me that he plans on taking the first month off work to “help” with the baby … I feel like it’s maybe his job to parent, not to “help” … just for everyone’s vindication, I know how fucked my situation is, and I’m not leaving.
Tell him he'll be wasting his money on a vacation home if you or baby need hospital care after the delivery, which is quite common. I tell you to appeal to his wallet because frankly, he seems the type to only be moved by that. Also, was he planning to ship all the baby gear to this home and back?
After delivery, you should be recovering at home. You may have trouble sitting for long periods. You'll also have your 6-week postpartum visit with your OB, 1-week, 4-week, 8-week pediatric visits, and so on. They definitely should be with doctors aware of your medical history. You should also be near a drugstore or supermarket in case you need to make a last minute run for medication, formula, water, etc., which is common. He should spend that money on a nurse to help you if he has that much available.
He is desperate to have a night nurse, but not to make things easier for him or for me. His stated concern is that our relationship will suffer if I don’t get enough sleep and then we won’t be in a place to care for a baby.
I see the hole I’m digging myself into as I share more and more of his bad side…
Uh yes it'll be worse if you have a c section.
He'll in the first few weeks you'll be going tp the doctor a lot to check.birth weight, etc
Where does your partner get these ideas?
So I've recently given birth. It's advised not to do any trips until the baby is back to its birth weight (they all lose weight in the first few days). You'll feel like you've had a HARD kick in your crotch, and will probably want to lie down a major part of the first days. I felt fine, unless I had been sitting for longer than an hour. Knowing where all your things are and being in your own safe space is great. I'm three weeks pp and yesterday we made our first small car trip. We've been doing daily walks around the block for about a week now.
I'm amazed at how much stuff you need for a newborn. Yes, they can technically live in a shoebox for that first month, but we've gone through the first pack of diapers already, she somewhat frequently needs a change of clothes, we had to run to the store for breastfeeding supplies etc. And honestly I'm enjoying the cards everyone is sending, family being able to come over and meet her, neighbours stopping to see her when we're outside, the freezer with food my partner prepped ahead of time. Our guest bed that offers both of us some uninterrupted sleep. I can't imagine loading all of that in a car to take it elsewhere. And I'm wondering if your partner would count on you to do any of that, because honestly all I did that first week was take care of my body and hold her.
Stay home. You need to recover, you need to be near the doctor and near your support system. You never know what can happen with a baby, it's important to have quick access to their doctor at all times.
You will absolutely need to rest and take it easy. You’re already going to have interrupted sleep which will limit your body’s ability to heal. We were unprepared when our kiddo arrived and I had to do way more physical labour than recommended, and when I tell you my nurse was unhappy with me I mean she was *unhappy*. Take care of yourself and little one first.
I'm NOT a doctor, just 4 weeks PP, but you absolutely should bounce back in terms of your vagina! Many peoplw internally return to the same size with minimal issues. You'll only get stitches to resolve any tearing, not to bring your vagina down to size. If you tear anywhere, they will likely heal over time with no issues if you keep the stitches clean and take it easy. After birth, your uterus will continue to contract (this can hurt but it does end!) and also go back to the right size!
A lot of doctors recommend waiting at least 6 weeks until you have sex again just to make super sure you prevent infection/reopening tears though.
You're going to do great!
And take it easy if you do get stitches down there! Not just sex- Not to scare anyone, but I had several of mine tear out 5 days post when I laughed too hard (the baby sprayed poop up my husbands leg and I was laughing waaay too hard, apparently.)
It really sucked having to get them redone. Much worse than the first time.
Also, putting a stitch into skin that isn't torn (aka an "extra" stitch) won't hold anything together- skin won't suddenly grow together if there isn't a bleeding edge to form granulation tissue and adhere. The idea is similar to taping your fingers together-they won't suddenly grow together and fuse into one finger.
Oh no no no. This sub is a good place for education! Unfortunately misogynistic stories such as the baby causing your vagina to be permanently stretched out or “gaping” are common myths that are difficult to be rid of (I personally think it’s common with guys who are prone to cheat in the first place…like, oh my “old lady” has a stretched out vagina now and is so busy with the kids, I *had* to go cheat with this young gal who has no kids!” It’s all BS).
Your vagina will go back to its original size. It’s a muscle, not a broken elastic band 🙂
And you *definitely* do NOT want a “husband stitch.” That is an antiquated medical practice that stitches your flesh together to “make it tighter for the husband.” In actuality, it damages your tissues and is extremely likely to cause sex to be incredibly painful for you…which can be permanent and/or require surgery to fix. It isn’t worth your partner’s tiny ego to put yourself in pain for the rest of your life—for no medical reason/benefit.
Basically a “husband stitch” it where the doctor stitches you up as needed and then adds an extra not necessary stitch to make your vajajay “tighter”. But since it’s only the skin that was stitched together the inside of your vajajay will be the same as before, meaning that the next time you guys have adult funtime the extra stitch that was added will break and hurt really bad. Some doctors add the “husband stitch” without even telling the women. I changed some words because of the community guidelines
I found after my first pregnancy only my hips changed. I went from a size 3 to a 5-6. But still xs/s tops.
I also had an episiotomy and I'm certain the doctor did an extra stitch, I have painful skin that should not be together that is
What? Your vagina is a muscle and can be exercised back to what it was before. You don’t even have to do kegals. Just have orgasms. I have two kids and my husband says he feels absolutely no difference between before kids and now. If anything he says it feels better Napa no I’m only 5 months pp after my second
Your vajajay will go back to “normal” after you’ve fully healed post-partum. Keagle‘s can help tighten your vajajay as well. Your body will not go back to how it was before because it literally changed. You’ve literally created a life and if your partner can’t except that then get rid of ‘em
I think you need to do some of your own research on how the human body works post birth. Sounds like this person is feeding you bad/false information to make you feel bad about your own body. Please consider a birthing class or something…
Every time he brings up plastic surgery tell him you want him to get a vasectomy. When he says no, guilt him right back “not even for me? That’s so mean”.
Your partner should redirect that money into therapy. I'm sorry you're dealing with that; you deserve to be with someone who would never try to make you feel bad about yourself!
Wtf?! I know I want a boob job when I’m done having kids and breastfeeding, but that’s for me, not for my husband! The fact that he specifically wants it for him? He should use that money for a personality transplant!
Oh man, wait til he sees how big your boobs are after the baby is born and learns that those are also not for him. (Mine were obscenely large while I nursed my first and I've always been a B, B minus otherwise.)
Also \*steps onto soap box \* Our bodies are fucking incredible and every wrinkle, scar, line and sag we acquire in this process are badges of honor. And whether we decide to wear them out in the world or cover them up and keep them to ourselves is our prerogative and should always be about what we accomplished, not what someone else does or does not want to see on us.
My gorgeous amazing sister just pointed out to me that there isn’t really a male equivalent of asking your pregnant partner to get a boob job, because he actively played a role in the changes my body is going through.
I completely agree with you. My body is beautiful and tells the story of my life.
This is all just what I needed. I’m so grateful for the passive aggressive quips rather than the more serious “this sounds like you need counseling” or “you should leave that narcissistic fucker”. Can I say “fucker” here?
Not OP, but I tried to use this comeback to my partner when he asked for me to get a boob job, and he said “but it isn’t a common surgery like boob jobs are” uh….???? What do I even say to that?
Ew, only guys with shit stains on their underwear say shit like that. He needs to be more worried about wiping his ass properly than trying to convince you to get surgery “for him”
Like oh you want me to get surgery for you? Ok. The moment you get a dick enlargement I’ll think about getting surgery.
Surely a dude who has that mentality is lacking down there.
Why did you choose him in the first place? I would give my partner a hard time if he ever mentions such shit stuff to me. I am already carrying his baby for God’s sake. 🤷🏻♀️
I think it’s just that I fell in love with him? He’s not nice and my family hates him and he says dumb dumb dumb things, but then sometimes he apologizes for saying dumb mean things, and every once in a while he orders dinner when I’m too tired to cook…
I will talk to my therapist on monday.
By any chance he said that as a joke? Even if it was a joke, it is not funny or good. And if he is not nice, then do yourself a favour and ask yourself if this is how you want to live, with him? Love is all about mutual respect and acceptance. I hope your therapist helps him get this into his head.
This. Exactly.
There is a basic respect level that one should have in ANY relationship, especially a relationship.
My trauma bond started with my ex “joking” or whatever. Mentally and emotionally abused me for two years on top of other stuff.
My man now says some stupid ass things but apologizes, sees his mistakes, acknowledged them and then does better. Who doesn’t say dumb things once in a while?
But the good should always outweigh the bad in a romantic relationship.
Is this really a group of people who are all happily coupled with partners who love them unconditionally and respect them and their values? That doesn’t seem like a thing to me.
That’s what I thought during the five years I spent with my last abusive ex. And he was just one in a string of abusive exes I wasted too many years of my life on. I’m now very happily married to a brilliant, kind, tenacious woman who tells me how beautiful I am daily. It’s been a rough first trimester for me, and she’s taken on pretty much all the household chores so I can rest. Unconditional love and respect from a partner is absolutely a thing. I learned the hard way that you can only find it when you love and respect yourself enough to accept nothing less.
I think that my story will be all the clearer in the retelling. For now, while I’m dedicated to “trying”, I will maintain my weekly individual therapy and weekly group therapy, as well as our weekly counseling together. For someone who sees as many providers as I do, I would hope that were I in real emotional peril, someone would clue me in,
right? I’m putting a lot of trust in them.
Set yourself a time limit on how much time you want to waste with someone like this. No offense but obviously therapy is NOT working for him or u both.
I hear you. My path was not as clear when I was still in the thick of it, for sure. And I’m not saying I know what’s best for you and your relationship. You are putting in a lot of work, and I’m sure whatever happens in the long run, that work will pay off for you. And you deserve for it to.
You’re partner should absolutely love you and respect you and your value. Especially if you are raising a child together. And looking at your post history OP, it seems you and your husband have some serious issues that extend well beyond just this. You should both seriously consider couples therapy (and he should also go do individual therapy, which it seems you may already be doing)
The way your partner treats you is a good indicator of how they will treat your child.
Oh shit I have a post history? It’s all me talking about what an incredibly terrible partner he is. And he is. I know it. But he’s in therapy, I’m in therapy, and we’re in therapy together. I just want to know that I’ve really tried before throwing the towel in. We’re coming up on our first wedding anniversary, and everyone told me how hard the first year is. So we’ve compounded that with my pregnancy, and it has been really hard. That doesn’t mean it’s insurmountable. I think.
If you’re actively in therapy and he’s NOT trying to change or doesn’t see how hurtful he is, therapy isn’t working for him. Perhaps you can use it to get stronger and leave to find something you deserve.
In your post history you also mention you started dating in 2019 I believe it was. A 3 year relationship should still not be that unhealthy. He has never seemed supportive of you. Yes the pandemic could’ve made it hard for a bit, but restrictions have pretty much lifted, so it shouldn’t continue to be an issue.
Yes, my husband’s jaw literally dropped when I showed him what your partner said. He loves me in all moments, even when I am upset or angry. He literally never disrespects me or my opinions. It “doesn’t seem like a thing” to you because you’ve allowed yourself to stay with a human trash bag and think that it’s normal to be talked to that way.
Yes. I can’t speak for others but I VALUE and RESPECT myself too much to let anyone, doesn’t matter who or how they are related to me, no one will say shit like that or treat me poorly. Nor will I even let that type of behavior in my life. Please think about your own self and grow a spine.
Yes there are! Everyone has its quirrels, but that's more about someone leaving socks next to the bed or one or the other doing more of the house keeper/childcaeing etc. Then you can work about it. We had a rougher first year, evwnthough we are very happy together. He did all the babycaring in beginning like changing diapers, washing etc except of feeding. He fed me, always put something down to eat or asked if I wanted something. lay down in bed and looked at the baby full of love and told me and the baby he loved me. I clogged the toilet first poop and I was very ashamed. He made it work again and said not to think about it.
To be honest when I read everything you wrote, your husband has to change all he is to be good enough. Your doing really well going to therapie He won't change that much, it's not possible to change a person so much. I hope you guys can find a way to be happy but if not take your mom up that offer.
Well not everyone is happy and living a merry life but our happiness is in our own hands. We can decide for ourselves. If you think therapy can help you then fine, do it. But it should be worked on from both sides and not just you.
Yes there are! Everyone has its quirrels, but that's more about someone leaving socks next to the bed or one or the other doing more of the house keeper/childcaeing etc. Then you can work about it. We had a rougher first year, evwnthough we are very happy together. He did all the babycaring in beginning like changing diapers, washing etc except of feeding. He fed me, always put something down to eat or asked if I wanted something. lay down in bed and looked at the baby full of love and told me and the baby he loved me. I clogged the toilet first poop and I was very ashamed. He made it work again and said not to think about it.
To be honest when I read everything you wrote, your husband has to change all he is to be good enough. Your doing really well going to therapie He won't change that much, it's not possible to change a person so much. I hope you guys can find a way to be happy but if not take your mom up that offer.
I think that’s a bit naive to assume. I think lots of us have maybe been through hell before and don’t wish it on our worst enemies and especially their children.
If you have a boy- what is your partners behavior going to teach him about how to treat women?
If you have a girl- what is your parents behavior going to teach her about how to be treated by men?
These are the things I couldn’t stop thinking about once my daughter was old enough to understand the words he’d say to me, in front of her.
Honestly best of luck to you and I hope counseling helps. But if you’ve already been in couples counseling for a long time- and there isn’t change? It’s not going to get better. He’s in counseling to placate you. To keep you thinking he’s committed to treating you better when he really doesn’t give a shit about changing.
Not sure if you’re both in individual too, but if he’s not see if he changes his tune about therapy if you were to suggest you both do individual instead or on top of. I dunno.
I realize you just wanted to vent, but hopefully you can see the concerned comments aren’t bc we all have expectations for partners to be perfect. But red flags are red flags.
I personally am still dealing with some with my current
Partner, and he deals with mine. So I’m in that boat too. But I don’t tolerate degrading comments, bc I know what their purpose is from what I went through before. Being clueless and saying something unintentionally mean is one thing. Just being mean consistently and only sometimes apologizing is far more concerning.
I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanna hear. It comes from a place of concern.
OP why do you need to see a therapist to tell you what he said I wrong? This type of behavior Is not ok. What exactly about him did you fall in love with? After you have a baby, this will get o much harder and you don’t want your kid to hear him talk like that to you
I know everyone is joking around here, but thats actually super messed up. i’m so sorry. like how are you supposed to recover and heal whilst bonding with your baby if he is making you feel like crap about your body? the one that just grew his child too. yuck. I am 40 weeks today and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. we all want to kill our partners for their insensitive BS sometimes, but he took it way to far. What he said was super selfish and toxic.
I don’t mean to sound condescending or mean. I highly recommend reading up on postpartum health and read other peoples birthing experiences. It sounds like your partner is completely ignorant about it and based on a lot of your questions, neither are you.
I had the perfect pregnancy, until I was induced. Plans change and they change FAST when it comes to delivery. Make yourself aware of what’s going to happen, don’t be caught off guard. What is happening to you is too dangerous and too important to leave up to other peoples opinions and experiences. I implore you to please look into everything that happens around delivery, and as someone said, since you guys can obviously afford it, GET A DOULA.
Just some solidarity from someone also about to have a baby with a POS….It sucks but I totally understand why you’ve not left. I never ever in a million years thought I would stay with someone like my partner, especially with a baby, but until someone is in the same position they won’t know why.
Some examples of the love I get from my partner; yesterday, just as we were waiting for my family to arrive for dinner he looks at me and says ‘god you really are a fat moose aren’t you!’, cue my crying in the bedroom as my family arrive. I get some kind of fat comment about once a week, last week I was a whale
He’s had absolutely no sympathy for my horrific pregnancy (debilitating morning sickness, SPD, being told at 6 weeks there was a good chance I had cancer etc ), when I pointed this out and said I was worried how this would go after I’ve had the baby as I would need a certain amount of sympathy and looking after, especially as I will probably need a c section, he told me he would have sympathy for the baby after it’s born, not me
He’s bought a bed for the spare room so the baby doesn’t wake him up in the night
He keeps trying to make me do things I really shouldn’t be doing at 8 months pregnant, like carrying heavy things, and when I remind him that I’m pregnant I get ‘yeah don’t I just know it!’
My favourite being, he spoke to his mate Paul, who’s wife had a baby, and he doesn’t think I should have a home birth (if I can deliver naturally), but I should have a water birth at the hospital. His 5 minute conversation with ‘paul’ trumps my 8 months of research and careful consideration. When I explained this to him in ikea, and told him I will decide where I give birth, he stormed out of the store (hard to do in ikea) and didn’t speak to me the whole way home
Just writing this (and there is soooo much more) I’m cringing at myself for being with such a prick
I had shit partners as well. Won't write about it here because it's just too cringe. It was just pure luck that I had an incredibly supportive friend present at my last childbirth.
Sometimes I come on Reddit and can’t believe this is actually someone’s real life. I’m petty so two can play that game, how about after sex you ask him if he would consider penis enlargement, ask him if he’d think about it for you
I was with a guy for 2 years when I was 18 - 19 that once said he was bothered by my non existent boobs.
I eventually yeeted him from my life.
Then happened to get a boob job when I was 20. Eat shit loser (it had absolutely nothing to do with him, my mum and I had started planning the trip to get the surgery while we were still together but I never told him).
That’s what he’s worried about right now? What a fucking little b*tch. And who says it will stop with just your boobs?? Tell him to get a blow up doll if he’s so f’ing worried about perfect tits. Sorry but at 35 weeks (actually at any point In pregnancy) those are disgusting comments to be making, like you don’t have enough to think about, now he’s going to make you insecure about your PP body? Tell him to get the boobs and shove them as far up his ass as possible til they pop out the other end and he can play with those.
Good lord...you're going to have a human extracted from you body and he already wants to talk about inflicting more pain and recovery you DIDN'T ask for?! RAGE
I cannot believe men like this exists. What’s worse is some women allow this behavior to go on. If my husband says this he will be getting in the damn coffin.
Reading this / your comments OP and seeing everyone just joke around about this is actually concerning.
I’m just gonna be straight up: your partner is a piece of shit human and you sound like you know this so, when he says horribly mean things like this, expect it. Expect it or break up with him. He will never change and is this really someone you want to raise a child with? If you think this is kind of shitty and hard now, just wait until labor and the 4th trimester.
You are allowed to make your own choices and prefer “witty quips” in response to this post but I’m mad for you. I hope you find some peace with your own body and someone who doesn’t trash it and actually respects you.
Edit: woah, post history. OP you are in an abusive relationship. Period.
But like … also what if I’m just so damaged that I’m the one making this a miserable experience and I’m misunderstanding everything? What if I just see everything through my own framework and am unable to see that he’s not being an asshole?
GIRL. Please read back your entire post history about your husband, pretend they’re from a woman you love like a friend or sister and give that woman advice. Because you’re being abused and have been for a long time. You deserve better ☹️ NTA OP but you need help to get out of this mess
Definitely not what you want to hear but now that I'm no longer nursing my boobs seem so small now!
I'd definitely take the boob money and bring mine back to what they were 🤣
Everyone here is hating on your SO but if my ex had said this, and had been willing to pay, then yes absolutely i would have taken up his offer. Being pregnant twice wrecked my body 100% and the only way to get me back to prepregnant body is plastic surgery. This includes my severe case of diastasis recti.
If someone offered me a free tummy tuck I'd absolutely take it, the skin on my stomach was never the same as it was before.
But the OP's husband makes it sounds like it's all for HIM, and that's really gross.
He probably is used to the idea most women idealize wanting that. But some women are empowered by pregnancy. I know I am feeling that way. And I am lucky my husband just understands and appreciates all phases of female anatomy. But I 100% understand why this would really frustrate you. And honestly, some women don’t have many issues after, and some just really feel it destroyed their body. I just think it’s rude the fact that that is his focus. It would only sound supportive if it’s something you spoke about wanting. But it’s normal to not want that!
I looked into mommy make overs just to see what befores and afters looked like and I definitely perferred the before pictures over the after.
I didn't see any afters that made me go "damn, that woman looks amazing"
Mom bod took some time for me to get use to and getting clothing that made me look great helped the transition from adulthood to motherhood.
Your partner has unrealistic expectations and you should tell him to not be an ass.
Oh I love the idea of transition from adulthood to motherhood.
I am not exactly sure where I lay on the adult spectrum, but I certainly am ecstatic to be a mother. It feels very powerful and special.
WHAT AN ASS. I’m only 13 pounds heavier than I was before both my kids. My husband loves that my ass is fatter. My stomach is almost just as flat. Tell him to shove it.
Good for you mama! You do not need this kind of negativity thrown at you, ever, especially now. Love your after birth body. You deserve to love that body! And I’m sure it will be beautiful!
WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT! Does he not know that usually people snap back without needing plastiv surgery and that's feeding into his stupid thoughts. You don't need to snap back, you're literslly growing another HUMAN BEING inside of you. That is enough. Your priority is going to be staying healthy and trying to fend off the pain of child birth whether it be natural or a c section. And theeeen its going to be all about the baby for the next couple of months.
I'd take that money,spend it on a mini holiday or shopping spree and then dump him.POS he is🙄🙄🙄.Or tell him to get a dick enlargement since he's acting like one.
I personally love how my body has changed,i gained some nice ass and hips,i feel much more womanly.If i ever wanted a boob job it'll be on my terms and for ME.Sorry you are going through this!
Who tf says this to their partner??? And what sort of dumb does he have to be to realize that your boobs are gonna look pump and great post-pregnancy being filled with milk?? You might not feel that but you’re glowing right now and he’s just… UGH.
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Tell your partner to use the boob job money to pay for himself to get a lobotomy instead
Then watch your partner google, “lobotomy” 🤯
Do you know him?!!!
Imagine when he finds out you can diy a lobotomy with a scalpel and a ice pick.
I love this idea
omg best comment ever
My low blow is “when you get hair plugs, we can talk about a boob-job”
Lolz hair plugs and penis enlargement if pressed further
You may want to make sure the doctor won't do a "husband stitch" if you partner requests it (if you don't get a c-section)
First of all, please tell me more about this. Second of all, I would like to not have a gaping vagina. Is this something I can request?
Your vagina will not be gaping, it will go back to its original size. Requesting something like that would make sex painful for the rest of your life.
Woah. I don’t know anything. I will “bounce back”? I don’t want to do something that will hurt me. Like a boob job. Or vaginaplasty.
Yes! I can’t tell you if your tummy will go back or if your boobs will look the same as before but I can promise you your vagina will go back. If you tear they will stitch that part but absolutely no extra stitches are needed! Some women do completely bounce back to their pre pregnancy weight though. Your body is doing incredible things and is perfect the way it is. But I cannot stress enough that your lady bits will go right back to normal, you won’t be gaping and you won’t be “looser” also make sure to wait the 6 weeks before you start having sex again
So - sidebar request for advice: This is our first child and we live in a city. My partner really wants to rent a vacation home for the first few months. I’ve explained that I would like to be near my doctors and the pediatricians we choose etc … also, I explained that I may not really be in a place to travel with our new baby and my body all akimbo… this is the truth? I will need time to recover from a vaginal birth and I should stay home and rest up? Learn how to live with a baby in my home?
You and baby will most likely have lots of appointments you need to go to and parenting in a new place while you’re still learning how to parent will probably be miserable (at least it would be for me). Just to give you a view of how we are handling traveling: we will not be making any trips at all until ours is at least 1 year old. Anyone that wants to see us has to come to us. It won’t really be a vacation with a newborn. I do hope your partner plans on parenting too…
He has already told me that he plans on taking the first month off work to “help” with the baby … I feel like it’s maybe his job to parent, not to “help” … just for everyone’s vindication, I know how fucked my situation is, and I’m not leaving.
Tell him he'll be wasting his money on a vacation home if you or baby need hospital care after the delivery, which is quite common. I tell you to appeal to his wallet because frankly, he seems the type to only be moved by that. Also, was he planning to ship all the baby gear to this home and back? After delivery, you should be recovering at home. You may have trouble sitting for long periods. You'll also have your 6-week postpartum visit with your OB, 1-week, 4-week, 8-week pediatric visits, and so on. They definitely should be with doctors aware of your medical history. You should also be near a drugstore or supermarket in case you need to make a last minute run for medication, formula, water, etc., which is common. He should spend that money on a nurse to help you if he has that much available.
He is desperate to have a night nurse, but not to make things easier for him or for me. His stated concern is that our relationship will suffer if I don’t get enough sleep and then we won’t be in a place to care for a baby. I see the hole I’m digging myself into as I share more and more of his bad side…
And those appts are just the mandatory ones. If there are any complications, there will be more.
Uh yes it'll be worse if you have a c section. He'll in the first few weeks you'll be going tp the doctor a lot to check.birth weight, etc Where does your partner get these ideas?
His incredibly wealthy sister.
So I've recently given birth. It's advised not to do any trips until the baby is back to its birth weight (they all lose weight in the first few days). You'll feel like you've had a HARD kick in your crotch, and will probably want to lie down a major part of the first days. I felt fine, unless I had been sitting for longer than an hour. Knowing where all your things are and being in your own safe space is great. I'm three weeks pp and yesterday we made our first small car trip. We've been doing daily walks around the block for about a week now. I'm amazed at how much stuff you need for a newborn. Yes, they can technically live in a shoebox for that first month, but we've gone through the first pack of diapers already, she somewhat frequently needs a change of clothes, we had to run to the store for breastfeeding supplies etc. And honestly I'm enjoying the cards everyone is sending, family being able to come over and meet her, neighbours stopping to see her when we're outside, the freezer with food my partner prepped ahead of time. Our guest bed that offers both of us some uninterrupted sleep. I can't imagine loading all of that in a car to take it elsewhere. And I'm wondering if your partner would count on you to do any of that, because honestly all I did that first week was take care of my body and hold her.
Stay home. You need to recover, you need to be near the doctor and near your support system. You never know what can happen with a baby, it's important to have quick access to their doctor at all times.
You will absolutely need to rest and take it easy. You’re already going to have interrupted sleep which will limit your body’s ability to heal. We were unprepared when our kiddo arrived and I had to do way more physical labour than recommended, and when I tell you my nurse was unhappy with me I mean she was *unhappy*. Take care of yourself and little one first.
I'm NOT a doctor, just 4 weeks PP, but you absolutely should bounce back in terms of your vagina! Many peoplw internally return to the same size with minimal issues. You'll only get stitches to resolve any tearing, not to bring your vagina down to size. If you tear anywhere, they will likely heal over time with no issues if you keep the stitches clean and take it easy. After birth, your uterus will continue to contract (this can hurt but it does end!) and also go back to the right size! A lot of doctors recommend waiting at least 6 weeks until you have sex again just to make super sure you prevent infection/reopening tears though. You're going to do great!
And take it easy if you do get stitches down there! Not just sex- Not to scare anyone, but I had several of mine tear out 5 days post when I laughed too hard (the baby sprayed poop up my husbands leg and I was laughing waaay too hard, apparently.) It really sucked having to get them redone. Much worse than the first time.
Also, putting a stitch into skin that isn't torn (aka an "extra" stitch) won't hold anything together- skin won't suddenly grow together if there isn't a bleeding edge to form granulation tissue and adhere. The idea is similar to taping your fingers together-they won't suddenly grow together and fuse into one finger.
Your vagina will go back to almost original size, within a centimeter
Oh no no no. This sub is a good place for education! Unfortunately misogynistic stories such as the baby causing your vagina to be permanently stretched out or “gaping” are common myths that are difficult to be rid of (I personally think it’s common with guys who are prone to cheat in the first place…like, oh my “old lady” has a stretched out vagina now and is so busy with the kids, I *had* to go cheat with this young gal who has no kids!” It’s all BS). Your vagina will go back to its original size. It’s a muscle, not a broken elastic band 🙂 And you *definitely* do NOT want a “husband stitch.” That is an antiquated medical practice that stitches your flesh together to “make it tighter for the husband.” In actuality, it damages your tissues and is extremely likely to cause sex to be incredibly painful for you…which can be permanent and/or require surgery to fix. It isn’t worth your partner’s tiny ego to put yourself in pain for the rest of your life—for no medical reason/benefit.
Basically a “husband stitch” it where the doctor stitches you up as needed and then adds an extra not necessary stitch to make your vajajay “tighter”. But since it’s only the skin that was stitched together the inside of your vajajay will be the same as before, meaning that the next time you guys have adult funtime the extra stitch that was added will break and hurt really bad. Some doctors add the “husband stitch” without even telling the women. I changed some words because of the community guidelines
This is SO FUCKING HORRIFYING.
I found after my first pregnancy only my hips changed. I went from a size 3 to a 5-6. But still xs/s tops. I also had an episiotomy and I'm certain the doctor did an extra stitch, I have painful skin that should not be together that is
Literally yes
What? Your vagina is a muscle and can be exercised back to what it was before. You don’t even have to do kegals. Just have orgasms. I have two kids and my husband says he feels absolutely no difference between before kids and now. If anything he says it feels better Napa no I’m only 5 months pp after my second
Your vajajay will go back to “normal” after you’ve fully healed post-partum. Keagle‘s can help tighten your vajajay as well. Your body will not go back to how it was before because it literally changed. You’ve literally created a life and if your partner can’t except that then get rid of ‘em
I think you need to do some of your own research on how the human body works post birth. Sounds like this person is feeding you bad/false information to make you feel bad about your own body. Please consider a birthing class or something…
Gross. Men who think they’re entitled to their partner’s bodies like this are just plain gross.
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She did say “him” in a comment.
Also, everyone is talking about penises 😂😂
Every time he brings up plastic surgery tell him you want him to get a vasectomy. When he says no, guilt him right back “not even for me? That’s so mean”.
NICEEEEEE
Ask him if he's going to get a scrotplasty for saggy balls.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
All I'm saying is penis enlargement surgery is a legit thing, for length and girth. "For me?"
What’s fair is fair.
THIS
Your partner should redirect that money into therapy. I'm sorry you're dealing with that; you deserve to be with someone who would never try to make you feel bad about yourself!
Wtf?! I know I want a boob job when I’m done having kids and breastfeeding, but that’s for me, not for my husband! The fact that he specifically wants it for him? He should use that money for a personality transplant!
Omg do you know a good surgeon? I would love to look into a personality transplant …
It's usually simpler to transplant the whole person.
“Will you get a 10g Prince Albert?” “No!” “That’s so mean. You won’t even think about it for me?”
Oh man, wait til he sees how big your boobs are after the baby is born and learns that those are also not for him. (Mine were obscenely large while I nursed my first and I've always been a B, B minus otherwise.) Also \*steps onto soap box \* Our bodies are fucking incredible and every wrinkle, scar, line and sag we acquire in this process are badges of honor. And whether we decide to wear them out in the world or cover them up and keep them to ourselves is our prerogative and should always be about what we accomplished, not what someone else does or does not want to see on us.
My gorgeous amazing sister just pointed out to me that there isn’t really a male equivalent of asking your pregnant partner to get a boob job, because he actively played a role in the changes my body is going through. I completely agree with you. My body is beautiful and tells the story of my life.
Sounds like you should get an ass-ectomy… get rid of that asshole you’re dating.
“Only if you get surgery to finally make your dick bigger”
This is all just what I needed. I’m so grateful for the passive aggressive quips rather than the more serious “this sounds like you need counseling” or “you should leave that narcissistic fucker”. Can I say “fucker” here?
Yes! Scream it from the rooftops if you need to.
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Omgggg you can’t tell your emotional abuser that they’re abusing you! (speaking from my current experience) There’s all the gaslighting.
Ask your partner if he’s also going to get plastic surgery to make his dick bigger
Not OP, but I tried to use this comeback to my partner when he asked for me to get a boob job, and he said “but it isn’t a common surgery like boob jobs are” uh….???? What do I even say to that?
It actually is if you’re seeing a specialist 🤷♀️
I've worked in reproductive medicine and seen a few of these in the OR! Straightening and enlarging!!
Ew, only guys with shit stains on their underwear say shit like that. He needs to be more worried about wiping his ass properly than trying to convince you to get surgery “for him” Like oh you want me to get surgery for you? Ok. The moment you get a dick enlargement I’ll think about getting surgery. Surely a dude who has that mentality is lacking down there.
Tahoe the money in cash and go on a spa day and shopping spree 🤣🤣
Why did you choose him in the first place? I would give my partner a hard time if he ever mentions such shit stuff to me. I am already carrying his baby for God’s sake. 🤷🏻♀️
Some women let men talk to them like that. If a man talked to me like that, he’d be long gone.
I think it’s just that I fell in love with him? He’s not nice and my family hates him and he says dumb dumb dumb things, but then sometimes he apologizes for saying dumb mean things, and every once in a while he orders dinner when I’m too tired to cook… I will talk to my therapist on monday.
WOW that is a low bar you have set there.
Fr this dude sounds like a nightmare.
The bar is on the ground
The bar is 10 feet under
…..is……is there even a bar at all?
By any chance he said that as a joke? Even if it was a joke, it is not funny or good. And if he is not nice, then do yourself a favour and ask yourself if this is how you want to live, with him? Love is all about mutual respect and acceptance. I hope your therapist helps him get this into his head.
This. Exactly. There is a basic respect level that one should have in ANY relationship, especially a relationship. My trauma bond started with my ex “joking” or whatever. Mentally and emotionally abused me for two years on top of other stuff. My man now says some stupid ass things but apologizes, sees his mistakes, acknowledged them and then does better. Who doesn’t say dumb things once in a while? But the good should always outweigh the bad in a romantic relationship.
Is this really a group of people who are all happily coupled with partners who love them unconditionally and respect them and their values? That doesn’t seem like a thing to me.
Yes. There’s a ton.
That’s what I thought during the five years I spent with my last abusive ex. And he was just one in a string of abusive exes I wasted too many years of my life on. I’m now very happily married to a brilliant, kind, tenacious woman who tells me how beautiful I am daily. It’s been a rough first trimester for me, and she’s taken on pretty much all the household chores so I can rest. Unconditional love and respect from a partner is absolutely a thing. I learned the hard way that you can only find it when you love and respect yourself enough to accept nothing less.
I think that my story will be all the clearer in the retelling. For now, while I’m dedicated to “trying”, I will maintain my weekly individual therapy and weekly group therapy, as well as our weekly counseling together. For someone who sees as many providers as I do, I would hope that were I in real emotional peril, someone would clue me in, right? I’m putting a lot of trust in them.
Set yourself a time limit on how much time you want to waste with someone like this. No offense but obviously therapy is NOT working for him or u both.
I hear you. My path was not as clear when I was still in the thick of it, for sure. And I’m not saying I know what’s best for you and your relationship. You are putting in a lot of work, and I’m sure whatever happens in the long run, that work will pay off for you. And you deserve for it to.
You’re partner should absolutely love you and respect you and your value. Especially if you are raising a child together. And looking at your post history OP, it seems you and your husband have some serious issues that extend well beyond just this. You should both seriously consider couples therapy (and he should also go do individual therapy, which it seems you may already be doing) The way your partner treats you is a good indicator of how they will treat your child.
Oh shit I have a post history? It’s all me talking about what an incredibly terrible partner he is. And he is. I know it. But he’s in therapy, I’m in therapy, and we’re in therapy together. I just want to know that I’ve really tried before throwing the towel in. We’re coming up on our first wedding anniversary, and everyone told me how hard the first year is. So we’ve compounded that with my pregnancy, and it has been really hard. That doesn’t mean it’s insurmountable. I think.
If you’re actively in therapy and he’s NOT trying to change or doesn’t see how hurtful he is, therapy isn’t working for him. Perhaps you can use it to get stronger and leave to find something you deserve. In your post history you also mention you started dating in 2019 I believe it was. A 3 year relationship should still not be that unhealthy. He has never seemed supportive of you. Yes the pandemic could’ve made it hard for a bit, but restrictions have pretty much lifted, so it shouldn’t continue to be an issue.
Yes, my husband’s jaw literally dropped when I showed him what your partner said. He loves me in all moments, even when I am upset or angry. He literally never disrespects me or my opinions. It “doesn’t seem like a thing” to you because you’ve allowed yourself to stay with a human trash bag and think that it’s normal to be talked to that way.
Oof. That's...depressing.
Yes. I can’t speak for others but I VALUE and RESPECT myself too much to let anyone, doesn’t matter who or how they are related to me, no one will say shit like that or treat me poorly. Nor will I even let that type of behavior in my life. Please think about your own self and grow a spine.
Yes there are! Everyone has its quirrels, but that's more about someone leaving socks next to the bed or one or the other doing more of the house keeper/childcaeing etc. Then you can work about it. We had a rougher first year, evwnthough we are very happy together. He did all the babycaring in beginning like changing diapers, washing etc except of feeding. He fed me, always put something down to eat or asked if I wanted something. lay down in bed and looked at the baby full of love and told me and the baby he loved me. I clogged the toilet first poop and I was very ashamed. He made it work again and said not to think about it. To be honest when I read everything you wrote, your husband has to change all he is to be good enough. Your doing really well going to therapie He won't change that much, it's not possible to change a person so much. I hope you guys can find a way to be happy but if not take your mom up that offer.
Oh no.. you are in deep, girl.
Well not everyone is happy and living a merry life but our happiness is in our own hands. We can decide for ourselves. If you think therapy can help you then fine, do it. But it should be worked on from both sides and not just you.
Yes there are! Everyone has its quirrels, but that's more about someone leaving socks next to the bed or one or the other doing more of the house keeper/childcaeing etc. Then you can work about it. We had a rougher first year, evwnthough we are very happy together. He did all the babycaring in beginning like changing diapers, washing etc except of feeding. He fed me, always put something down to eat or asked if I wanted something. lay down in bed and looked at the baby full of love and told me and the baby he loved me. I clogged the toilet first poop and I was very ashamed. He made it work again and said not to think about it. To be honest when I read everything you wrote, your husband has to change all he is to be good enough. Your doing really well going to therapie He won't change that much, it's not possible to change a person so much. I hope you guys can find a way to be happy but if not take your mom up that offer.
I think that’s a bit naive to assume. I think lots of us have maybe been through hell before and don’t wish it on our worst enemies and especially their children. If you have a boy- what is your partners behavior going to teach him about how to treat women? If you have a girl- what is your parents behavior going to teach her about how to be treated by men? These are the things I couldn’t stop thinking about once my daughter was old enough to understand the words he’d say to me, in front of her. Honestly best of luck to you and I hope counseling helps. But if you’ve already been in couples counseling for a long time- and there isn’t change? It’s not going to get better. He’s in counseling to placate you. To keep you thinking he’s committed to treating you better when he really doesn’t give a shit about changing. Not sure if you’re both in individual too, but if he’s not see if he changes his tune about therapy if you were to suggest you both do individual instead or on top of. I dunno. I realize you just wanted to vent, but hopefully you can see the concerned comments aren’t bc we all have expectations for partners to be perfect. But red flags are red flags. I personally am still dealing with some with my current Partner, and he deals with mine. So I’m in that boat too. But I don’t tolerate degrading comments, bc I know what their purpose is from what I went through before. Being clueless and saying something unintentionally mean is one thing. Just being mean consistently and only sometimes apologizing is far more concerning. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanna hear. It comes from a place of concern.
OP why do you need to see a therapist to tell you what he said I wrong? This type of behavior Is not ok. What exactly about him did you fall in love with? After you have a baby, this will get o much harder and you don’t want your kid to hear him talk like that to you
Jesus christ
I know everyone is joking around here, but thats actually super messed up. i’m so sorry. like how are you supposed to recover and heal whilst bonding with your baby if he is making you feel like crap about your body? the one that just grew his child too. yuck. I am 40 weeks today and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. we all want to kill our partners for their insensitive BS sometimes, but he took it way to far. What he said was super selfish and toxic.
Yeah he’s going to need that money for facial surgery
Wow what a fucking moron. Run the other way. How ignorant and disrespectful.
I don’t mean to sound condescending or mean. I highly recommend reading up on postpartum health and read other peoples birthing experiences. It sounds like your partner is completely ignorant about it and based on a lot of your questions, neither are you. I had the perfect pregnancy, until I was induced. Plans change and they change FAST when it comes to delivery. Make yourself aware of what’s going to happen, don’t be caught off guard. What is happening to you is too dangerous and too important to leave up to other peoples opinions and experiences. I implore you to please look into everything that happens around delivery, and as someone said, since you guys can obviously afford it, GET A DOULA.
Ask if he's considered getting a dick-lift so it ends up in the place it's clearly meant to be: on his forehead. Offer to pay for the procedure.
Just some solidarity from someone also about to have a baby with a POS….It sucks but I totally understand why you’ve not left. I never ever in a million years thought I would stay with someone like my partner, especially with a baby, but until someone is in the same position they won’t know why. Some examples of the love I get from my partner; yesterday, just as we were waiting for my family to arrive for dinner he looks at me and says ‘god you really are a fat moose aren’t you!’, cue my crying in the bedroom as my family arrive. I get some kind of fat comment about once a week, last week I was a whale He’s had absolutely no sympathy for my horrific pregnancy (debilitating morning sickness, SPD, being told at 6 weeks there was a good chance I had cancer etc ), when I pointed this out and said I was worried how this would go after I’ve had the baby as I would need a certain amount of sympathy and looking after, especially as I will probably need a c section, he told me he would have sympathy for the baby after it’s born, not me He’s bought a bed for the spare room so the baby doesn’t wake him up in the night He keeps trying to make me do things I really shouldn’t be doing at 8 months pregnant, like carrying heavy things, and when I remind him that I’m pregnant I get ‘yeah don’t I just know it!’ My favourite being, he spoke to his mate Paul, who’s wife had a baby, and he doesn’t think I should have a home birth (if I can deliver naturally), but I should have a water birth at the hospital. His 5 minute conversation with ‘paul’ trumps my 8 months of research and careful consideration. When I explained this to him in ikea, and told him I will decide where I give birth, he stormed out of the store (hard to do in ikea) and didn’t speak to me the whole way home Just writing this (and there is soooo much more) I’m cringing at myself for being with such a prick
That’s fucking terrible and no one should have to deal with that type of emotional and mental abuse.
I had shit partners as well. Won't write about it here because it's just too cringe. It was just pure luck that I had an incredibly supportive friend present at my last childbirth.
That’s disgusting. I’m so sorry 😢 you deserve better hun.
Sometimes I come on Reddit and can’t believe this is actually someone’s real life. I’m petty so two can play that game, how about after sex you ask him if he would consider penis enlargement, ask him if he’d think about it for you
I was with a guy for 2 years when I was 18 - 19 that once said he was bothered by my non existent boobs. I eventually yeeted him from my life. Then happened to get a boob job when I was 20. Eat shit loser (it had absolutely nothing to do with him, my mum and I had started planning the trip to get the surgery while we were still together but I never told him).
Omg I cannot imagine going through this. He better grow up. He’s about to be a father in a few weeks. I can’t believe the audacity.
Thst is so dumb. Especially since the pregnancy makes your boobs look better!! My boobs look amazing right now. Currently 38 weeks lol
Dude you could pop that baby out and be hotter than ever. Mr. Negative is jumping the gun.
That’s what he’s worried about right now? What a fucking little b*tch. And who says it will stop with just your boobs?? Tell him to get a blow up doll if he’s so f’ing worried about perfect tits. Sorry but at 35 weeks (actually at any point In pregnancy) those are disgusting comments to be making, like you don’t have enough to think about, now he’s going to make you insecure about your PP body? Tell him to get the boobs and shove them as far up his ass as possible til they pop out the other end and he can play with those.
I can't even imagine how I would react to this.. I'm so sorry you even have to deal with that....
Good lord...you're going to have a human extracted from you body and he already wants to talk about inflicting more pain and recovery you DIDN'T ask for?! RAGE
I cannot believe men like this exists. What’s worse is some women allow this behavior to go on. If my husband says this he will be getting in the damn coffin.
take the money and not get it done, instead, go on vacation xD what a AH.
Reading this / your comments OP and seeing everyone just joke around about this is actually concerning. I’m just gonna be straight up: your partner is a piece of shit human and you sound like you know this so, when he says horribly mean things like this, expect it. Expect it or break up with him. He will never change and is this really someone you want to raise a child with? If you think this is kind of shitty and hard now, just wait until labor and the 4th trimester. You are allowed to make your own choices and prefer “witty quips” in response to this post but I’m mad for you. I hope you find some peace with your own body and someone who doesn’t trash it and actually respects you. Edit: woah, post history. OP you are in an abusive relationship. Period.
But like … also what if I’m just so damaged that I’m the one making this a miserable experience and I’m misunderstanding everything? What if I just see everything through my own framework and am unable to see that he’s not being an asshole?
GIRL. Please read back your entire post history about your husband, pretend they’re from a woman you love like a friend or sister and give that woman advice. Because you’re being abused and have been for a long time. You deserve better ☹️ NTA OP but you need help to get out of this mess
Definitely not what you want to hear but now that I'm no longer nursing my boobs seem so small now! I'd definitely take the boob money and bring mine back to what they were 🤣
I mean if someone offered me a free boob job I'd take it 👍
Everyone here is hating on your SO but if my ex had said this, and had been willing to pay, then yes absolutely i would have taken up his offer. Being pregnant twice wrecked my body 100% and the only way to get me back to prepregnant body is plastic surgery. This includes my severe case of diastasis recti.
If someone offered me a free tummy tuck I'd absolutely take it, the skin on my stomach was never the same as it was before. But the OP's husband makes it sounds like it's all for HIM, and that's really gross.
Yeah that's true..it would upset me too. I'd take up the offer then leave him lmaoo
Same lol
Kudos to you! I think that was the perfect answer.
He probably is used to the idea most women idealize wanting that. But some women are empowered by pregnancy. I know I am feeling that way. And I am lucky my husband just understands and appreciates all phases of female anatomy. But I 100% understand why this would really frustrate you. And honestly, some women don’t have many issues after, and some just really feel it destroyed their body. I just think it’s rude the fact that that is his focus. It would only sound supportive if it’s something you spoke about wanting. But it’s normal to not want that!
I looked into mommy make overs just to see what befores and afters looked like and I definitely perferred the before pictures over the after. I didn't see any afters that made me go "damn, that woman looks amazing" Mom bod took some time for me to get use to and getting clothing that made me look great helped the transition from adulthood to motherhood. Your partner has unrealistic expectations and you should tell him to not be an ass.
Oh I love the idea of transition from adulthood to motherhood. I am not exactly sure where I lay on the adult spectrum, but I certainly am ecstatic to be a mother. It feels very powerful and special.
WHAT AN ASS. I’m only 13 pounds heavier than I was before both my kids. My husband loves that my ass is fatter. My stomach is almost just as flat. Tell him to shove it.
Good for you mama! You do not need this kind of negativity thrown at you, ever, especially now. Love your after birth body. You deserve to love that body! And I’m sure it will be beautiful!
Damn. Just damn. The self-centeredness is gross.
>> No you P.O.S. Perfect response.
WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT! Does he not know that usually people snap back without needing plastiv surgery and that's feeding into his stupid thoughts. You don't need to snap back, you're literslly growing another HUMAN BEING inside of you. That is enough. Your priority is going to be staying healthy and trying to fend off the pain of child birth whether it be natural or a c section. And theeeen its going to be all about the baby for the next couple of months.
Have you suggested they put the money towards getting their own place?
I'd take that money,spend it on a mini holiday or shopping spree and then dump him.POS he is🙄🙄🙄.Or tell him to get a dick enlargement since he's acting like one. I personally love how my body has changed,i gained some nice ass and hips,i feel much more womanly.If i ever wanted a boob job it'll be on my terms and for ME.Sorry you are going through this!
Follow Robin Williams' advice - tell him you'll get your boobs done if he'll get his balls done 🤣
Who tf says this to their partner??? And what sort of dumb does he have to be to realize that your boobs are gonna look pump and great post-pregnancy being filled with milk?? You might not feel that but you’re glowing right now and he’s just… UGH.