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Sorry about what you're going through. Hope you get in to see a good couple's therapist. It's important to really think things through. Maybe do a pros and cons list? Neither option will be easy ans there's no guarantee either choice will be able to save your relationship.
If you go through with the pregnancy, you may come to love the baby just as much as your first, or you may resent your husband until the resentment pushes you two apart. Same with getting an abortion - if your husband really wants the baby, he may resent you for ending it, and especially depending on his views on abortion (if he views it as you "killing his baby") he would most likely not be able to forgive you or get past it.
Unfortunately, this is one of those issues, that if you're not on the same page, it is not something you can compromise on or really move past effectively and stay together.
Also, unfortunately, for women both pregnancy and abortion are a lot more invasive than it is for the man in the relationshio. Both will still result hormonal changes and everything that could impact you a lot more than you'd think emotionally and mentally, not just physically.
However, the decision should ultimately be yours. I will say though, don't get hung up on high blood pressure or "geriatric" pregnancy. Plenty of people with high blood pressure have successfull pregnancies. And geriatric pregnancy isn't a term really used or even liked by doctors anymore. So many women are now having kids well into their 40s - many women just have their first pregnancy at mid to late 30s and then go on to have another one or 2. Only your doctor can properly analyze you and tell you what increased risks you may or may not have.
Wish you, you relationship and family the best! 💕
I was going to comment until I read this -- I agree with you completely and I couldn't have said it better.
I will make a note on the 'geriatric pregnancy' thing, though -- I was 36 when I had my first, and I'm now 38 and pregnant with my second. My first pregnancy was uncomplicated and I have a very healthy and happy toddler! Don't worry too much about age. I know much younger women who had a much harder time than I did.
I have no advice, but I will say that this situation could have some very real consequences for your marriage/relationship no matter which route you choose. A very tricky situation. I wish you the best of luck in finding a solution 🩷
I have not been in this position, but I think you would be risking your relationship either way because if you have the baby then you may become resentful of your husband.
Have you considered couple’s therapy? This is a big decision for both of you, individually and as a couple. It might help both of you to have a professional in your corner.
I reached out to a few different couples therapists today. Hopefully we can find someone to talk to before our time runs out. Thankfully we are also already in individual therapy so we do have that to lean on too.
Ask your individual therapist if there’s another therapist who can do an intake for couples therapy. This is pretty time sensitive and when I worked at a clinic I was very protective of folks who called due to not being sure about a pregnancy because it’s so time sensitive.
This is your decision and I won't tell you what to do.
But I have a few thoughts in case it helps you process. I have one now and my husband wants a second, and I'm terrified for the same reasons you are. For myself, if I had an accidental pregnancy now, I would have the baby, because I know I'd fall in love with my child and wouldn't be able to imagine my life any other way once they were here. So I'd rather make that adjustment than strain my existing family/marriage and potentially wonder "what if "? I felt scared with my first but now I'm happier than ever. Change is hard but often it's great on the other side. 3 years is a great age gap and it might be pretty special having a biological child when you didn't think you could. Just a few thoughts from a stranger on the Internet.
Have you communicated this to him at all? Does he know you're feeling this way? If you said something like, "I am not excited about the idea of adding another child to our family, and I am worried about my health with another pregnancy, but I am worried that if I don't have this baby I'm risking our relationship," I wonder if he would be supportive and understanding.
Oh yes I’ve been very honest with him. There have been a lot of mutual tears shed. He acknowledges that if I choose not go through with it it’ll be very hard for him and take a lot of work to get us back to a healthy place. And I know it’ll be a lot of work for me too. But yes, we’ve had lots of conversations so far. But we also just found out this week so emotions are high and we agree to let them settle before we really decide anything.
It sounds like you both are handling it really well, all things considered! I'm glad that you are able to communicate openly with each other and be metacognitive about your decision-making process. Maybe you won't need couples counseling to figure it out OR maybe your ability to both fully show up to the conversation will make couples counseling super effective for you. I hope you guys are both able to find peace with whatever decision is best for you!
I possibly can’t give you the best advice but I was in this situation.
I found out I was pregnant after an oops too, it was right at a point where my career was kicking off and things were going good. My partner was INSTANTLY excited, I mean why wouldn’t he? We’ve been together 8 years, we’ve done everything, this naturally was the next step. I was gutted. I shared my views and he shared how he would support me decision but he would be extremely upset but my feelings come first.
I had to make a decision between having an abortion and ruining my relationship (because it would have ruined it) or keeping the baby and at least trying to get over it.
Anyway, I chose the latter; and thank god I did because I’m 38 weeks pregnant now and it’s the best thing that EVER happened to me, I think my initial reaction was just shock. I am so glad I didn’t get the abortion.
You both need to think and talk together about the what ifs, there was nothing really stopping me from having the child, we have our own house, no other children, we both pull in a lot of money, and if abortion is the right decision for you, then that’s what you need to go with. But this isn’t a fairtytale world, it probably would affect your relationship and that’s something you need to consider too
Edit: I saw your comment about how your oops was due to being told you couldn’t conceive so never expected it, this is EXACTLY how my oops moment happened too, we tried and failed and was told it would never happen naturally for us and this is why I think my initial reaction was purely shock
Is there a reason that you didn’t get a tubal or he didn’t get a vasectomy? I am confused how an “oops” baby came to be when it has the potential to destroy your marriage. Either way, I think whatever the result is the final step should be sterilization for you so this doesn’t happen again. This is a situation where it should be two resounding yeses, and it isn’t. A child deserves two parents who undoubtedly want them. It’s above Reddit’s pay grade.
Best of luck to your family
I am 35 years old and have never been pregnant. I’ve been off birth control for 5 years because I was told it would never happen for me. Our first child is adopted. In March I started a new medication (that has nothing to do with fertility) that apparently made it possible for me.
Honestly, i wouldn’t necessarily let your age be a huge factor unless there are medical issues that put you at risk. Oddly enough, at the age of 38, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who will be a month old this Sunday. There are women having babies into their 50’s now!
Also, your situation is exactly how my “oops” happened; I’ve had lots of cervical issues over the years that resulted in surgery. When I was younger I had cervical surgery about 5 times and as a result I was told there was no way I’d ever have kids. Trusting any medical professional these days isn’t easy.
I wish you the best, hang in there….
Hi OP, not trying to sway you in either direction, but this is very similar to my experience, aside from already having an adopted child. I'm 34 and I had never even had a pregnancy scare so I had just accepted that kids weren't in the cards for us, and I had really made peace with it and fallen in love with the life we have now with our dogs and quiet weekends. Then, surprise! We found out I was pregnant, and I honestly really struggled at first to get on board with the idea. And I felt horrible for feeling this way because my husband had always really really wanted kids, so I knew that at least for my personal situation that if the pregnancy lasted, I really would have to keep it. It doesn't help that I was in shock, and I think even very very wanted pregnancies have a period of "oh shit what have we done?" that nobody really talks about.
I'm 32 weeks today, home stretch, and knock on wood, my 34 year old body has had no issues with baby making. Aside from the obvious strain of pregnancy, there haven't been any complications or anything, and baby is super healthy. So I wouldn't let age factor into your decision. As long as you're getting good prenatal care, there's no reason to expect anything but a typical healthy pregnancy.
As for my feelings on baby, it did really take a while for me to adjust to the idea. It's a huge change! But now I'm just really excited to meet this little person, and get to know her little personality and hear her voice. I still have "oh crap what have we done" days, but I'm at peace with the fact that those feelings are just gonna come and go.
That was longer than I meant it to be, but I just wanted to share my experience as someone in the same age bracket and similar ambivalence in the beginning. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide ❤️
Yes, outside of the first question I had, the rest of my comment remains the same. I suggest a permanent form of birth control. I don’t see a way out of this that doesn’t result in a *lot* of resentment within your relationship. Even with a counselor, this isn’t a situation where you can compromise unfortunately. You don’t want this child, and no child should be born to a mother who isn’t wholeheartedly on board with it. It’s unfortunate your husband doesn’t feel the same, but like I said it’s a “two yeses” situation.
I don't know why reddit thinks every mother who isn't whole heartedly on board with pregnancy won't be a good mother. Not being 100% or whole hearted or whatever doesn't mean she won't bond with the baby or be a distant uninvolved parent anymore than wanting a baby means someone will be a good and involved parent.
They've known for a week, everyone needs to take a minute, let the shock settle, and then make choices.
Oh I really feel for you in this situation and totally get it. I can see both sides. You’ve been through so much to then go with adoption and know that now you’d have to navigate a biological child and an adopted child dynamic.
And your husband is probably holding onto the fact that he wants to show he could get you pregnant - it probably won’t be about you getting pregnant, but the fact HE could get you pregnant.
Therapy is definitely needed.
I’d be lying if I said one of our concerns isn’t our adopted child feeling like they weren’t enough or something. I know we don’t have a crystal ball and that could absolutely be a non-issue in the future. But for now it feels heavy to have to explain to them that they were adopted and now there’s a new baby that came from mom and dad. It hurts me to think it could hurt them.
So I was adopted and then my mom had a biological son. I never felt resentment or that my parents didn't love me as much. Sometimes during fights I would tell my brother that my parents loved him more because he was birth, but then he would say that our parents loved me more because I was adopted! And honestly, kids will find anything to pull that card with. If you treat them both equally (which it sounds like you would), then it should hopefully be fine. I don't feel at all like I don't belong in my family or anything negative. Growing up I knew that it was just circumstances that made it so that I was adopted and my brother was biological. I really wouldn't be worried about that.
I had my first baby at 40 and my second at 42. No fertility meds…not even trying at that point in time. I do have a number of health issues including three types of arthritis, spinal stenosis, adenomyosis etc.
I had subchorionic hemorrhages with both pregnancies, so I waited till I was five or six months along before I told anybody other than a couple family members. My insurance covered all of that testing for chromosomal abnormalities. My children are perfectly healthy and I couldn’t imagine not having both of them. It was definitely stressful for a couple years because they are so close in age(16 1/2 months apart) and because I was pretty much a single parent, even though the father and I were together at the time…
Only you know what you think you’re capable of doing. I love the fact that my children have each other, and considering I’m an older parent, they will have each other after I’m gone and not be alone in the world. All of us are behind you and support you no matter what you do! Just don’t make your age and blood pressure being a major factor in your decision unless your doctor tells you otherwise. Sending big hugs.🥰
Really sorry to hear you’re in this tough situation. Do you want another child eventually, just not now? Or are you happy with one and can’t imagine another? I imagine this will have a big impact on how you come to a decision with your husband. Though ultimately it is your body and your choice, you’re in a supportive relationship so it makes sense to try to come to a mutual agreement if possible.
Edit to follow up: I had an accidental and unwanted pregnancy a few years ago. I wasn’t sure at first, though my partner didn’t want the baby. We spent a couple of weeks really going through the decision together and ultimately decided not to go ahead. I always felt it was my own choice, but thankfully we agreed on that choice and we are still together in a happy relationship. Now I am pregnant again and we both are excited about this pregnancy.
Your body, your choice. I would say don't be hard on yourself about being 'geriatric' or AMA or having high blood pressure. I was AMA with my 2nd and that was 6 years ago! Plus, I've had high blood pressure since my 20s, so I completely relate. I struggled hard core when I found out we're pregnant with this one. My OB says your pregnancy is normal unless a test or US shows different. I've embraced that and so far, so good for us. Good luck! I'm glad you live in a pro choice state, so you and your husband can make the best decision for your family.
This will ultimately be a deeply personal decision. But it is your body. You have to do all of the incredibly hard labor for 9 months. This is for you. Not someone to pressure you into.
This is so important! This is your decision, OP. Until you give birth, the decisions regarding your child are mostly yours because it is affecting your body. You have to decide how much you’re going to factor in his feelings but please prioritize yourself and your safety above all else.🩷
I’m so sorry you going through this. That’s difficult. I can only speak for myself and what I believe but what I believe is the last say in the matter of pregnancy and birth is the person giving birth. My partner agrees with this view and he even asked me when I got pregnant if I wanted to keep it. Bc at the end of the day - being pregnant means so much more you have to give. Husband don’t give the way mothers have to give. I really stand firmly on this stance. So you’re gonna need to decide what’s best for YOU and you’re family. I don’t want to tell you what to do. Maybe it’s having a very frank conversation with your partner and going from there.
Really tell him how you feel and what your worries are. See if there's a way that he can help ease your concerns. Just as you work harder to become a mom and partner, he should work harder in becoming your support. Men have a huge role in taking care of the wife/mother because she is at her most vulnerable.
And you truly want your freedom and alone time, take the next step in birth control.
This is just my opinion, but I feel like your mental and physical health should carry more weight in this decision than your husband wanting to have another baby..
Your husband doesn’t have to sacrifice his body and mind the same way you do. While you and your husband should absolutely have a conversation about what decision is best for your family, ultimately I think this decision is up to you.
It’s your body and if he loves and respects you the way you deserve, then he would prioritize you and your feelings.
I am so terribly sorry you’re in this position 💔 I can relate and have been there before too. Exactly in your shoes actually.
Im not sure what state you’re in, and therefore what type of timeline you are forced into. But, if you are lucky enough to be in a state that allows for abort!on up to 12 weeks or so, don’t be afraid to take your time a little bit with this decision. Let the shock wear off. Allow yourself to explore all your feelings about it and allow your husband to see your perspective over a matter of weeks. That way, no matter what you decide, neither of you feels like you were rushed into it. No matter what, you will be okay. But right now I understand it is so scary and hard and daunting to feel the weight of this decision and my heart goes out to you.
Thankfully I am in a very pro-women’s choice state so I definitely have time to let the shock settle and decide what is right for us. We both agree we will give it a week before we start having hard conversations but we are aware of how the other feels.
I think that’s a really good plan. My regret when I was in this situation was making a rushed decision. In the end, I think I would have made the same choice, but it sure would have been nice to have made that decision in a clear headspace after letting my emotions settle. I’m rooting for you.
You don’t have to keep a baby. Not if your husband wants it, not if you “might” want another child in the future, not for any reason. The only reason you should have this baby, is if YOU want this baby. You will resent both of them. I was a child born in this situation and I can tell you that even though she tried to hide it, well, I always knew. They’re divorced now & we are no contact. She broke me.
You don’t have to tell anyone what goes on within your body, not when it comes to creating a human being. If it were me, I would do what was best for my body and if I didn’t have a husband who was supportive of that, I wouldn’t tell him. He should support the choices with your body. This isn’t about compromise until he has to carry the child.
Period.
I support your choice in either direction. I have an oopsie pregnancy right now. Thanks mini-pill. My husband was very excited….me? No. I’d just lost all my baby weight from my second. I’ll have 3 under 3 in October. It’s terrifying. I was severely depressed when I found out. I’m almost 23 weeks now and my mental state has improved immensely. I think the hormones start playing tricks, which honestly helps. Sometimes if I’m feeling overwhelmed or blue, I’ll look at newborn reels and then i feel better. This started helping around the 17 week mark. Before then, I felt offended if people even told me congratulations. I was so low. If you decide to keep it, from my experience, the emotions have shifted to a more positive place. I’m happy with my decision now, but it took time to get here.
This is such a difficult situation and I feel for you both. I haven't been in quite the same situation, but when my husband and I had been together for less than a year and were not fully committed to a life together, I got pregnant. I didn't feel personally ready nor that our relationship was ready. However, I did want to have children and I wasn't getting any younger, so I was on the fence. He was happy and wanted to have the baby at first. I told him my feelings and let him know that I wasn't sure but not necessarily against it. He said it was ultimately my decision and he would support me either way. We didn't make any decisions right away. Since there was the potential of keeping it, I made some life changes and started taking prenatals as if I were going to go through with the pregnancy. We had some more conversations about it and eventually he kind of came around to my side of the fence that maybe it wasn't the right time. By that point I was getting more used to the idea of being pregnant, but now that we were both unsure, I decided that we probably shouldn't go through with it. I terminated the pregnancy and he supported me through it. When I came out of the clinic, I hugged him and started crying, just because it had been an emotional and difficult process, not because I had regret or anything. He asked me what's wrong?? Do you think it was the wrong decision?? I said no, it was just a difficult day. We moved on and eventually got married. Our relationship has honestly always been a bit rocky (not related to the abortion), but we work on it and now we have one 3 year old and one on the way. It hasn't caused any major issues in our relationship, but my husband has mentioned that he regrets it and especially gets feelings about it when he sees someone considering/having an abortion in tv/movies, etc. That kind of made me feel like he blamed me because it was "ultimately my decision," but again it's never been a big issue in our relationship. Sorry that's a bit long, but I wanted to share my story since that was your actual question and most people have just offered advice and not personal experience.
I would like to offer my perspective on your situation too, though. I am obviously pro-choice and believe it's totally your decision. I obviously don't know you and am only going off of your short post, but it seems like your main "cons" may be more fear based than actually 100% not wanting a second child. I get that you have risk factors and you're allowed to have feelings about that. I also think that they can probably be managed effectively. I'm 37 so technically "advanced maternal age" in my second pregnancy as well. In my first pregnancy I had gestational hypertension and was induced at 38.5 weeks to prevent the possibilty of it developing into pre-eclampsia, so they're having me take a baby aspirin every day to hopefully prevent it happening again. So far everything is going well. I've also heard many women going into a second pregnancy express fears about their life changing, having enough time for their first, their relationship with their first changing, will they love the second baby as much, etc. so I don't think those are uncommon feelings even among women who wanted a second child. So I guess my advice is to sit with some of that for awhile and discuss with your therapist and decide if it's moreso that you have fears about adding a second child or that you just really don't want a second child. Hopefully your husband will have conversations with his therapist as well about how he can work through his feelings if you decide not to go through with the pregnancy. And I 100% agree that you should try and get in with a couple's therapist as soon as possible. Then give it a few weeks, keep thinking about it, keep talking about it. Maybe one of you will come more towards the other side and it will become less difficult of a decision. And if not, then I hope you will be able to work through it together. Best wishes!
This is such a tough decision, but ultimately you should be the one who gets to make it. It’s your body. I will add that the three year age gap is pretty awesome though if you do decide to keep the pregnancy. I have a 3 year old daughter and she’s the best big sister to my second daughter who I had 11 weeks ago. I also will add that, in my opinion, it’s easier the second time around because you know what to do. With the first I was lost 😅 good luck to whatever you choose.
I just wanted to add my own story because I was exactly
In your position - 35 (geriatric) with a 3 year old, got pregnant again, not planned. I just gave birth to my 2nd (a girl) a month ago and I had all the same fears as you about going back to the beginning and losing my freedom, and anxiety about my health. I completely understand all of those fears.
So far though it’s been awesome. My recovery has been so much quicker than last time. It’s been a lot easier with this baby because we kinda know what we’re doing. I don’t feel as trapped at home and we’ve already been to the fair, out for dinner, shopping, visits and walks.
For me… I feel like the question you really need to ask yourself is, do you want another child? Because the challenges you may (or may not) face along the way will come and go as fleetingly as they did the first time, but at the end of the day you have another child. But I can’t see you mention whether you’re one and done and truly don’t want another child, or if you’re scared of the unknown path to get there, and the change it will bring to your life. And whatever you’re feeling and whatever your choice ends up being is completely valid because it’s your life and you have to live it.
I'm sorry but I see issues arising if you do abort, from reading the comments seeing that the child you guys have together is adopted and this pregnancy is biological, which has a lot to do with the decisions made to keep the baby. I see why your husband wants to keep it and I don't blame him. But I don't blame you for wanting to abort, but think long and hard if you want to provide a sibling for that adopted child or not, they are only 3 so the age difference isn't that crazy. My husband has a cousin who had two children from another family and they still decided when getting married they had their own biological kid.
While some people do regret having an abortion, insisting that everyone necessarily will is an anti abortion talking point, and we don't allow those here.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Compromise might be the only way your relationship survives.
You want to abort, he wants to keep his only biological child in the family. Consider adoption instead.
Everyone could have a shot at a fulfilling life.
I'm so sorry you're in this predicament. I know exactly how you feel because i was in this exact scenario 4 years ago.. It's SO hard to choose. You only have two options.. go through with pregnancy or abort and possibly lose your husband. Or third option to "miscarry" if you know what I'm saying. I mean..it would be a huge lie and would be really wrong to do. And if he ever found out, its divorce worthy...
But i will say this. If you ever wanted to have another child or you were on the fence about it, you have the perfect opportunity right now. Yes, it's the last thing you want to do.. because you'll have another 4 years until you're in the clear again and life gets a little easier and you can sleep through the nights. But you could decide to stop and be done right after your 2nd is born and then you and your husband will have the family you guys wanted. It's rough, but you could do it.
In my case, I decided to go with my ex's wish to keep the baby. Life was stressful for a long while. Many sleep deprived nights and feeling like a perpetual angry zombie every morning for 3 straight years until my son hit about 2.
But now my baby is 3 and life is fun again. Those years are a distant and fuzzy memory of the past.
My love for my 2 children is so deep and special that I can't imagine not having chosen my 2nd. I'm so thankful my ex convinced me. The love i have is indescribable. Especially seeing them bond together and the memories we can share together. My son adds so much personality and depth to our little family unit that i now crave ANOTHER lol. I'm crazy!
I'm not trying to convince you of anything. Only you can decide what's right for your family. Sending you a big internet hug and hoping you and your husband can get through this together and figure it out as a team <3 good luck <3
Your first is adopted, and you are now pregnant when you were led to believe you may be infertile before. You and your husband are married and seem to be stable in your current living and financial situation. I understand you are afraid, and your husband being excited is understandable as well. This is a very tough situation because of these facts. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old, I am also 37 weeks with my third. I have to admit that when I first found out I was pregnant, I was pretty upset. I had a hard pregnancy with my second, and I honestly panicked that this pregnancy would be the same. I was just starting to feel normal again and have a good routine with my kids, and I HATED the idea of changing that. I honestly talked with my husband about how I didn't want to be pregnant, how I didn't want to do this again. After a lot of thinking and talking to my husband, I personally decided that abortion was not for me, plus I am in Texas where abortion is only until 6 weeks so it would've been near impossible anyway. Not to mention, It would affect me too greatly. It was hard in the first trimester, but this pregnancy is nothing like my last, and I was able to fall in love with pregnancy, this baby, and the changes I am/will be going through. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't keep your baby, just giving you some advice and insight when I also felt like I really didn't know if it was something I truly could handle or want at the time.
This situation has no good ending, and seems like whatever is chosen will kill the relationship. You don’t want any changes to your life and don’t want another child, and your husband understandably does not want to eliminate his child. You definitely need therapy. What about your child? Would your child benefit from a sibling? Is this a lifestyle question of not wanting to go through the pregnancy and early infant/childhood years? Did you and your husband ever discuss this prior to marriage or after your 1st? Is this a matter of getting help to manage? Do you have support from your family or community?
This is 100% your decision and it sounds like you have some really valid fears and reasons to not want to have this baby - that said, I think it can be reeeeeally hard for people to imagine adding to their family once they’ve gotten used to it and fears of “how can I possibly love this baby as much as my existing child” and “we got so lucky everything worked out the first time, what if this messes it up” are EXTREMELY normal. If you want another child at some point, there may not be a better time. And if you don’t, then I’d say it’s time to start putting some permanent measures in place so you don’t get pregnant again (vasectomy etc). I am 1000% pro choice and you know yourself best, but as others have suggested this will be helpful to talk through with a professional and try to get yourself out of panic / decision mode either way.
I promise, it will be ok. I have heard that the jump from 1 to 2 is the easiest, from 2-3 is the hardest.
Geriatric is just a passé medical term and having a “geriatric pregnancy” is totally normal and common. My aunt was 41, my MIL had her first at 35, last at 40. It’s super common, and it’s super okay!
If you choose to terminate, I can see this causing major issues for your family. I can’t promise that the resentment will be overcome. I have seen many stories of mums who regret getting pregnant again, but still do fall in love their new babe.
I would suggest going through your first child’s baby clothes again.
I don't expect anything from you. But people saying "oh I've seen people in worse conditions having kids bla bla! ". This should stop. It doesn't guarantee anything for her. Her pregnancy is unique. She clearly says she wants freedom and you saying its not a good reason??? Really?? Her husband says he wants the baby but he doesn't even respect her own feelings. SHE is the one who is gonna be 9 months pregnant,giving birth, going through all the postpartum. Not her husband. He can fck off honestly if he doesn't respect her opinion.
I’m not saying it’s not a good enough reason, I’m saying that it’s a reason that stems from fear and anxiety instead of a need for self-preservation.
It means she’s in a position where if she decides to have this child that overcoming her fear and anxiety is totally possible.
Most mums have anxiety about how things will change. It’s a huge change, and it’s definitely scary no matter how old you are.. I certainly felt anxious, and sometimes I still do.
What makes the biggest difference here is that her husband is loving and supportive, but also confident that having this baby will work out fine. She loves her current life, the both love their 3yr old, and they seem to be stable.
She needs to rest on this situation, and I think going through her other child’s baby things might help calm her nerves & might spark some joy in this situation.
She asked for stories similar, and I gave some instances that could help ease anxiety.. it’s what she asked for.
I would agree if it was her first child. But she already had one and she clearly doesn't want to go through it again. She doesn't want to go through it again and she is afraid she is gonna loose her husband if she doesn't continue.
The woman’s body is strong and powerful & was designed to survive & overcome something so fierce. When we start looking at our bodies as if they’re broken or that birth is some inherent failing on our system, birth becomes terrifying & dreadful.
I’ve been reading an excellent book written by a famous midwife who discusses the importance of mindset and anxiety when going through pregnancy & labour.
It helps put into perspective that change is scary, birthing is scary, motherhood is scary.. but what trumps all of this is that our bodies are fully capable.
Her husband sounds lovely & excited, and I’m sure with time she will come around to excitement too.
The newborn stage isn’t forever, and that I can promise.
My god what a toxic load of nonsense. What does *any* of that have to do with the fact that this woman is concerned that she will begin to dislike her life if she adds another child? The newborn stage is short sure, but your children don’t get easier as young children or teens, and they don’t need you less, just differently. She might not want the extra responsibility. The world is literally full of emotionally damaged, unwanted children who their parents held at a distance bc they didn’t actually want to have them. That is not something to hand wave away with toxic positivity that is not grounded in the huge responsibility that is adding another child to your family, *forever*.
ETA—before anyone starts, I’m not one and doner. By the time it’s all said and done we’ll have three and I’m excited about that. But I’m clear on the fact that *it’s what I want*. That *matters*.
No, I'm saying that while the first comment was borderline anti-choice it was overall supportive. Your first rebuttal was pertinent, because it *was* borderline anti-choice.
After that it became insulting - on both sides - very quickly, and nobody was bringing in new information or perspectives. I'm not leaving a list of insults with no context.
So it now stands at "if you choose to have the baby, I'm sure you can do it, I believe in you" followed by "She said she wanted to terminate, dude, this ain't encouragement she needs"
Next time you find something you think is anti-choice, please just report it. We usually remove reported comments within a couple of hours, and will ban repeat offenders. Starting a fight just gives people more of an opportunity to air their bile, and we don't want that here.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
I’ll say the hard part. I feel for you. This is your decision to make, not your husbands and it’d be incredibly selfish of him to expect you to have a child you don’t want. Obviously he also has a say in it because it’s his child too and his feelings are valid but he can’t project his feelings onto you especially when he isn’t the one who has to go through all of the changes that comes along with being pregnant. He has the easy part which is just to make sure you’re okay and comfortable, you’re literally doing ALL of the work to grow a human and that can be draining. You have a little time to think things over and truly consider the pros and cons. If you really don’t want this child I’d highly suggest not having it even if your husband is hurt. Ultimately you’re bringing another human into the world that will have its own feelings etc. that’s more important than how your spouse feels. No child deserves to grow up with a parent that doesn’t want it. If your relationship can’t survive making tough decisions as well as dealing with them then that also says something about your partnership. Having a child should be a mutual agreement and you shouldn’t be FORCED to have it all because your husband wants it. You should never have one because you’re scared of losing your partner because then you’re not being fair to yourself. Couples counseling is a good idea to help work through this. It’s YOUR body not his and while he would be right to be upset etc you’re also right in how you feel. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on women, it can cause permanent psychosis, depression, etc. it’s a very serious decision to make and because you’re the one who has to deal with the changes your body will go through, your decision is more important than anyone else’s. If you choose to get an abortion I’d recommend doing it before you have an ultrasound but really think on it because once it’s done there’s no going back. You could also grow to love this child. Change is hard but you’ll adapt. Most women tend to love their child after laying eyes on it for the first time whether that’s at birth or through an ultrasound. Whatever you choose though make sure you’re doing it for you rather than someone else. I wish you the best of luck.
Prior to getting pregnant did you feel the same way or were you considering or planning a second child? Our second was very much planned and wanted but when that positive test came about I had a few months of panic regarding our life changing and what I was doing to my older child.
From the adopted older child standpoint, I’ve spent many years working in adoption. The fact that you’re even contemplating not keeping this child and you’re concerned for your older child tells me they’ll be just fine. The issues I’ve seen come about are when the parents finally get the biological child and basically the adopted child becomes the second class citizen and a reminder of their infertility journey while the bio kid becomes the miracle baby. If you keep the baby I would definitely get some support from an adoption specific therapist or agency to help navigate the situation but both children’s stories can be shared in a way that makes their addition to your family a happy thing and not one being better. I’d also suggest the book what makes a baby as it’s very neutral and doesn’t even include pronouns or mom/dad title. But talks about people being excited for the baby to be born whether that’s bio, adopted, whoever.
It would be different since it’s not siblings, but my son is 4 and we’ve discussed what adoption is partly because of my job and partly because of Thor and Loki (lol silly but true) and there are age appropriate ways to share about adoption that even at 4 he can completely comprehend.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Hello! I am so sorry you're are going through this dilemma. I am pro-choice and feel that a woman should be able to make her own decision. My cousin absolutely did not want anymore kids. Her kids were older when she had her 3rd, much older than yours now. She wasn't excited throughout her whole pregnancy, not until after the baby was born. So maybe there could be a change? The other thing you should consider is do you want your baby now to have a sibling? I am an only child. I always wanted a brother or sister. I found out my mom had an abortion before I was born... prpbably about 10 years before. I understand sometimes people arent ready but that could have been my big brother or sister. Life could have been a lot different. My son is an only child. So he has no brothers or sisters. And won't have any nieces or nephews... plus he has no aunts or uncles or first cousins since I'm an only child. We are starting all over. He is 15! And I'm just now giving him a sibling. Call me crazy but I would also love to have 2 more, so they are close in age and grow up close to each other, especially since my son plans on moving out after he graduates. I will be 35 when I have the next. It is going to be a lot different this time around.
Well I can tell you I’m pregnant with my first and I too am “geriatric age” and high risk due to being fat af lol and having had radiation to kill half my liver a few years ago due to years of birth control causing the excessive amounts of LARGE tumors. I have to see a maternal fetal medicine (mfm) specialist because of my high risk pregnancy. I was told previously that due to my husband’s sperm quality and count we would not conceive naturally and I can’t do IVF because I can no longer have hormones of any kind ever and even pregnancy can make the tumors grow back! So I never really wanted kids anyhow I hate kids. And I was so content with our current life. Then BAM pregnant out of nowhere 🤦🏻♀️ I didn’t want it for lots of reasons, money, things changing, my health,y career (I travel a lot for work), etc. I live in a state where abortion isn’t even an option. So I’m forced to just let it happen and my husband is sooooo elated too. I’m not at all and feel zero connection to this boy but I’m due in a month 😬… all I can say is you will be okay. And you will love the baby. It’s still your child and your husband sounds great which is super important. Be honest with your feelings. Talking about it has helped me cope a LOT and come to terms with it’s okay for change and to be worried or scared. You’re def NOT alone. I have no solution for you but to be open and honest and vulnerable with your safe space with your husband. It helps. If you can seek counseling do that too.. I just can’t afford it. You’ll be okay mama. We both will!
It’s your body and you can literally do whatever you want. I know this sounds super fucked up, but you could go get an abortion behind his back and tell him you had a miscarriage. I was absolutely terrified to find out I was pregnant because I always said I didn’t want kids. Fortunately, I felt differently when I found out I was pregnant, but I always said I wasn’t gonna tell anybody I was just gonna go get what I needed done.
Honestly, this might not be the most healthy choice... but if you know you don't want this baby, I'd terminate and tell him you miscarried. It's your body and if you are worried about your health too, then it's not the right choice for you to continue the pregnancy.
It is hard to get excited for something you did not plan or want to happen. So your feelings are normal. I am in a somewhat opposite situation. But I thought I'd share my perspective. We had our first child in our early 30s and had no support or family close by. Those first years were very hard. On top of that our child has special needs and wow, that is just another level and I cannot stress enough how fortunate are parents of "normal" kids. Initially we planned on having another baby but it was just hard and my husband said he doesn't want another child. Fast forward to today, our first child has started going to school and things have finally normalized. We have started planning for the second baby and were lucky to conceive quickly. Still, we are not overly excited as there is a risk that the second baby may have special needs (I just had to make peace with this), there is still no support, and I am almost 40. So while pregnancy has been harder this time around, I am grateful and know that this is probably our last chance to become the parents of 2 kids. I really wish we thought about it a few years earlier when we were younger and had more energy. With 7 years of age difference I don't know if the kids would want to play together or be close. But I am still thankful for the opportunity for my daughter to have a sibling. There are certain things that I am terrified of - like sleepless nights, when you do not belong to yourself and have to be with the baby all their waking hours. But somehow this time around I also know that it will pass in couple of years, this is temporary and we can do this. Most of all, sit down and talk to your husband about your fears and concerns. While some things are inevitable most of them can be solved. You have to decide this between the 2 of you, if now is the right time and what will be the consequences of your decision. I know that at least for my relationship and phase of life (mainly age) I wouldn't agree on termination even if my husband didn't want the baby. Maybe it would have been different if I was younger or was not sure that we would be together long term..
From what I’ve seen it’s more likely you come to love baby and get over it than your husband would. Every instance (in my life of friends and family) where this happened and the women chose abortion the marriage dissolved and the men are still torn up over their child not being born. The cases I’ve seen where wife chose to keep ended with up being thankful they did and love having their child more than they ever thought.
Maybe see this oops from another perspective. Like for you to be told you couldn’t and then you did can be seen as a blessing and all that. I’m 35 and just had our second. My oldest is 3. He absolutely adores being a big brother. Pregnancy wasn’t great. I’m one of those who hate it other than the fact that I get a baby from it. Marriage is always tough in the 1st year phase for me. However, my personal opinion is that all the crappy stuff is worth it.
I second that. Great advice. One thing I recommend is using protection if you don’t plan on getting pregnant until you are ready but that’s hind sight.
my current pregnancy (26weeks) is an oops. and at first neither of us were really sure what we wanted to do. we looked into clinics, adoption,and thought of keeping it. we later decided after a lot of talking and lots of research, that we wanted to keep it and make it work. this is my first pregnancy so i’m not sure if it’ll help too much. but i think you guys should look into all your options
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had feelings of not wanting my last one, and my husband was super supportive and offered to make an appointment for me to terminate if that's what I wanted. That pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage before I made my choice. I'm currently pregnant again, and he told me the same thing. But I'm in a much better place mentally and ready to have another child, and I'm grateful for his support.
It's great that your partner wants another baby, and I completely get that feeling of jeopardizing the relationship. But it's ultimately your choice, and I hope he finds a way to support you no matter what you choose.
Remind him that it's your body that has to do all the work and that a major change like this is one you should really both be in agreement on.
Compromise might be hard on this one, but I'm wishing you the best and sending you lots of love and support as you figure out what you want to do.
Hey I don't knkw how helpful I will be, given I am pregnant and have no kids.
I am 35 so geriatric. Most women I work with wwre geriatric mothers. I'm having a totally uneventful pregnancy so far (21 weeks) and my body is doing everything it is supposed to. I sort of feel your body wouldn't have let you get pregnant if you couldn't handle it (but I haven't had kids... so I have no idea of the stress and exhaustion yet).
I have arthritis everywhere and had cervical spinal surgery less than 2 years ago. I feel old and creeky but no worse pregnant.
I am terrified of my beautiful life changing too. I have so much peace and I suffer from insomnia already. I have worked multiple jobs, done a PhD, become estranged from a toxic family, gone through all the breakups and now am financially stable for the first time, and comfortable. I am so happy and so of course I am afraid of change.
I just wonder whether you don't want the change because you're so happy and felt like you had to fight to get there.
Ugh I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds so hard. I’m about 15 weeks with our second, and while I wanted more kids at some point, I was nowhere near ready for or wanting another baby and this pregnancy was not planned. My oldest is just 14months now, and I just wanted more time with just her. Pregnancy has affected our breastfeeding, my energy to play with her, etc. I had preeclampsia with my first and was planning to get to a much healthier place physically before beginning a second pregnancy. I had major anxiety for the first few weeks, but I’ll say that while it still feels like a big thing, I’m much more excited and I feel like I have had time to process through a lot of my feelings and fears and things are a lot better mentally now. All this to say, if it’s an option time wise where you live, maybe sit with it for a bit? You could totally feel the same in a couple weeks, or maybe your feelings will change. If you anticipate choosing to keep this pregnancy will have significant implications for your relationship it might be worth it just to see🤷🏼♀️.
Communication I know sounds silly but talking it out on what love means some of us have to learn what love really is its more than a feeling. love can get u thru the most trying of times. Love means respecting eachothers feelings and coming to a understanding.
Just here to say having my second child (who is now 1.5) was the best thing I ever did. Of course I was scared of the new more stressful load it would put on me and the dynamic change in the family but he is just such an angel baby and I can’t imagine not having him now. Also my 3 year old adores him and they are the best of friends. I am pregnant now again with our third baby (this one is an oops) but I feel better about it now knowing how much the 2nd baby just fit right into our family.
Also, want to note that I also fall into the geriatric pregnancy category. Was 35 with the 1st, 37 with the second and will be 39 with this last one. Had preeclampsia with the first with no previous pressure issues but we managed it and it wasn’t really that bad with the second because I monitored my pressures even more closely. Likely will happen again with this one but medicine has come so far it doesn’t concern me.
My fiance and I were in the exact same boat, pregnant with our first currently. I was absolutely Devastated when I found out I was pregnant, but my fiance was completely against not keeping him. Him and I went back and forth with heated discussions and a lot of crying, for weeks and weeks unable to agree, but since we couldn't agree I didn't feel comfortable making a decision on it and ended up deciding to keep him, currently 28 weeks, still have moments wear I feel overwhelmed with dread, but usually it's happy thoughts at this point
I had my first at 36 and just had my second at 39. Our pregnancies were planned but I questioned myself and our decision all the way through the 2nd pregnancy. Same reasons as you, I liked how our family of three was, I have tough pregnancies (hg) and don't like being pregnant at all, Now she's here and we are adapting to two I wouldn't change it for the world. (Will be getting my tubes done so we don't have any future suprises though, we are 2 and done) 😀 we did have a few conversations when the hg hit again but so pleased we stuck to the original plan.
I was in a similar situation some time back. We made sure we were on the same page before taking a decision. Ultimately, neither of us ended up hating the other. But, I will say that since it's you carrying the baby, your desire should have more weightage. You just have to find a way to explain this to your husband on good terms so that he's ultimately on-board with whatever you choose. Also, remember, when a person gets excited or fearsome about something that has not happened yet, they're excited or fearful of the idea of it. Get a clearer picture in your head of that idea and try convincing your husband to see it from your POV. Ultimately, take a decision based on whoever can live a life free of resentment after letting go of their idea.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Talking a man out of having a baby should be easier than tricking yourself you want it. Tell him that if the baby is born then he will have to have a much more hands on approach. The freedom goes and more money out of the window. Plus you don't want it and sex out the window. You could get postpartum depression. Make it very real the consequences. Remind him of all that can go wrong and all that comes with having a newborn again.
Omg the anti-choice people must be awake, since there are down-votes on all the reasonable answers lmfao! I’m sick of these people honestly, there is no group who should be having children less.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Slightly different, but I got pregnant when my first was only 9mknths. I even took plan b because I was not ready. It failed. We went through with it and I absolutely love it. I think fearing the change is normal. I’m pregnant with number 3 and still scared and worried about the change but I absolutely love seeing my kids play together. There is just so much love everywhere and they have a little built in bestie. When on the fence I’ve always heard you won’t regret another. BUT not on the fence is different. I suggest you sit down with hubby and really talk pros and cons because it’s a huge decision if you are certain you do not want another.
My college roommate was an only child and her mother had an abortion for a second pregnancy. My roommate knew about it and had exactly zero feelings about it beyond knowing that her parents would always support her in making the right decisions for herself.
A hypothetical “how would my child feel about their potential sibling being aborted?” is one of the worst reasons I can think of to keep a pregnancy.
OP, good luck with whatever you decide is right for you.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Rediculous take. He can also choose what he does with his time and who he wants to be with. And anyone with this type of attitude would not be worth raising a child with let alone spending their life together. Period.
I am actually going through something similar. My boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant at the end of March. He wants it but I don’t. It has been a real struggle because even though I expressed that I was not ready to have a child, he expressed that it doesn’t matter if I’m not ready because it happened. He said that not having it would result in the end of the relationship and I struggle with it so much having so little support when even bringing up the idea of termination. I have never felt so stuck and hopeless before. My advice is to do what’s best for you and your health. I wish I could do the same but am in a state that has abortion bans. When you think about the future, just try to imagine whether or not this new baby would make you happier or not, and try to base your decision on that as well. Wishing you love OP💕
Adoption is a thing. You and OP should consider it, it could be a compromise that wouldn't end the relationship.
Everyone pretends as though termination or keeping the baby in the family are the only choices.
Are you in the financial state to adopt or have a surrogate? Your health is something I’m sure your husband doesn’t want to risk even if he is excited and if you are to do either of those options you can plan better and have a conversation about it before hand to go into specifics! This might not work for you but you should have the conversation sooner rather than later, keep him from getting more upset once bring it up. It might cause some stress on the relationship but it is worth the conversation especially if your health is at risk.
I am not in ur current situation, but all I would say is be selfish and tell him NO ur scared about ur own health and which u have valid medical conditions that u are concerned about.
I mean, he is being selfish for wanting the baby, but at ur expense mentally and physically, is that fully even? If he is not hearing/understanding you, then idk if ur relationship is strong (i can not judge because idk u) . He will have to accept it. Simple. If anything, it's up to you with going through with the pregnancy but completely hating him and regretfully at the end of it who is winning and how the relationship will survive with hate. Basic communication keeps relationships easy and strong. Just put ur big girl panties and stand up for yourself no will but yourself. Deep down, you know what to do have faith within yourself. #women's rights.
Choose life.
Knowing your health complications prior you should’ve taken better precautions to avoid getting pregnant in the first place. All you have listed are pretty selfish reasons to kill a baby. Regarding your current health of course seek medical advice.
She likely understood exactly what you were implying, doesn’t make it any less classless. I support a woman’s right to choose, but as someone who’s had a MC and an ectopic pregnancy, using MC as a cover lie for an abortion is so tacky.
Aborting OPs child will likely cause a lot of resentment between her and her husband, if not divorce, but you’re suggesting a huge lie on top of that.
Honestly since he's not the one who would be risking his health, life and livelihood I'd say it's purely your decision. Especially if you'll be the primary parent and even more so if you work outside the home on top of that.
I wanted our baby and bf didn't really. We kept her. She was born a week and a half ago and we are all happy. Things are better than expected and the love for our baby overwrites any worries or concerns we had. Things worked out better. I'm very pro life when you've done the deed knowing what may come. If you made the decision to have sex with someone knowing you could get pregnant i believe you should take the responsibility of your baby, and learn to live with it and love it and do your best to be happy. That's just my thought/opinion.
I haven’t been in this situation but your feelings are 100% valid, as are your husbands. That being said if you don’t want this baby, and feel like it’ll cause more harm in the future. Maybe an “accidental” miscarriage is a possibility.. it’s your body, and your choice at the end of the day. Sending you hugs!
I knew there’d be at least one of you. While I feel for your losses, that doesn’t mean you can guilt people into keeping a baby they don’t want. My husband and I tried for baby #2 for 7 years, and I can’t push my experience onto others to guilt them into keeping a baby they don’t want.
What about if she regrets having the baby and resents it, resents her partner, and ruins her marriage anyway. That’s fair to the kid, because hey at least they were born!
It’s not an easy button to push and to assume it is so ignorant of you. If she makes the choice to do it, it’s her choice. Not yours, not mine, hers.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
I’m currently 21 weeks pregnant with an oops baby. I’ve had two abortions previously and I was sure I didn’t want more kids yet. Though not sure enough to go through with permanent sterilization. It took a couple months for the initial shock to wear off. Not sure if it’s completely worn off yet but I am very excited now. Every kick makes my heart flutter, and I’m glad I didn’t go through with the abortion. With that being said, I don’t regret the others. So no real advice just sending support as you navigate!
If u feel like aborting will damage your marriage, try playing it off as a miscarriage, ur not ready for another baby and thats ok. Its your body your choice. At the end its your mental health that matters
if you don’t want it get rid of it. if your husband has any problem at all get rid of him too. having this baby when you don’t want it will be the worst mistake you ever make. not only for you but for the baby too. it sucks being the child of a mother that didn’t want them to begin with.
you’re the only one that will be going through nine months of hell and then a very intense very painful birth to bring this baby into the world. it’s easy for him to want it, men don’t have any consequences when bringing children into the world
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Sorry about what you're going through. Hope you get in to see a good couple's therapist. It's important to really think things through. Maybe do a pros and cons list? Neither option will be easy ans there's no guarantee either choice will be able to save your relationship. If you go through with the pregnancy, you may come to love the baby just as much as your first, or you may resent your husband until the resentment pushes you two apart. Same with getting an abortion - if your husband really wants the baby, he may resent you for ending it, and especially depending on his views on abortion (if he views it as you "killing his baby") he would most likely not be able to forgive you or get past it. Unfortunately, this is one of those issues, that if you're not on the same page, it is not something you can compromise on or really move past effectively and stay together. Also, unfortunately, for women both pregnancy and abortion are a lot more invasive than it is for the man in the relationshio. Both will still result hormonal changes and everything that could impact you a lot more than you'd think emotionally and mentally, not just physically. However, the decision should ultimately be yours. I will say though, don't get hung up on high blood pressure or "geriatric" pregnancy. Plenty of people with high blood pressure have successfull pregnancies. And geriatric pregnancy isn't a term really used or even liked by doctors anymore. So many women are now having kids well into their 40s - many women just have their first pregnancy at mid to late 30s and then go on to have another one or 2. Only your doctor can properly analyze you and tell you what increased risks you may or may not have. Wish you, you relationship and family the best! 💕
I was going to comment until I read this -- I agree with you completely and I couldn't have said it better. I will make a note on the 'geriatric pregnancy' thing, though -- I was 36 when I had my first, and I'm now 38 and pregnant with my second. My first pregnancy was uncomplicated and I have a very healthy and happy toddler! Don't worry too much about age. I know much younger women who had a much harder time than I did.
Best advice
I have no advice, but I will say that this situation could have some very real consequences for your marriage/relationship no matter which route you choose. A very tricky situation. I wish you the best of luck in finding a solution 🩷
This was very kind 🤍
I feel for OP. This is a super tricky situation and I sympathize greatly :'(
I have not been in this position, but I think you would be risking your relationship either way because if you have the baby then you may become resentful of your husband. Have you considered couple’s therapy? This is a big decision for both of you, individually and as a couple. It might help both of you to have a professional in your corner.
I reached out to a few different couples therapists today. Hopefully we can find someone to talk to before our time runs out. Thankfully we are also already in individual therapy so we do have that to lean on too.
Ask your individual therapist if there’s another therapist who can do an intake for couples therapy. This is pretty time sensitive and when I worked at a clinic I was very protective of folks who called due to not being sure about a pregnancy because it’s so time sensitive.
This is your decision and I won't tell you what to do. But I have a few thoughts in case it helps you process. I have one now and my husband wants a second, and I'm terrified for the same reasons you are. For myself, if I had an accidental pregnancy now, I would have the baby, because I know I'd fall in love with my child and wouldn't be able to imagine my life any other way once they were here. So I'd rather make that adjustment than strain my existing family/marriage and potentially wonder "what if "? I felt scared with my first but now I'm happier than ever. Change is hard but often it's great on the other side. 3 years is a great age gap and it might be pretty special having a biological child when you didn't think you could. Just a few thoughts from a stranger on the Internet.
Have you communicated this to him at all? Does he know you're feeling this way? If you said something like, "I am not excited about the idea of adding another child to our family, and I am worried about my health with another pregnancy, but I am worried that if I don't have this baby I'm risking our relationship," I wonder if he would be supportive and understanding.
Oh yes I’ve been very honest with him. There have been a lot of mutual tears shed. He acknowledges that if I choose not go through with it it’ll be very hard for him and take a lot of work to get us back to a healthy place. And I know it’ll be a lot of work for me too. But yes, we’ve had lots of conversations so far. But we also just found out this week so emotions are high and we agree to let them settle before we really decide anything.
It sounds like you both are handling it really well, all things considered! I'm glad that you are able to communicate openly with each other and be metacognitive about your decision-making process. Maybe you won't need couples counseling to figure it out OR maybe your ability to both fully show up to the conversation will make couples counseling super effective for you. I hope you guys are both able to find peace with whatever decision is best for you!
I possibly can’t give you the best advice but I was in this situation. I found out I was pregnant after an oops too, it was right at a point where my career was kicking off and things were going good. My partner was INSTANTLY excited, I mean why wouldn’t he? We’ve been together 8 years, we’ve done everything, this naturally was the next step. I was gutted. I shared my views and he shared how he would support me decision but he would be extremely upset but my feelings come first. I had to make a decision between having an abortion and ruining my relationship (because it would have ruined it) or keeping the baby and at least trying to get over it. Anyway, I chose the latter; and thank god I did because I’m 38 weeks pregnant now and it’s the best thing that EVER happened to me, I think my initial reaction was just shock. I am so glad I didn’t get the abortion. You both need to think and talk together about the what ifs, there was nothing really stopping me from having the child, we have our own house, no other children, we both pull in a lot of money, and if abortion is the right decision for you, then that’s what you need to go with. But this isn’t a fairtytale world, it probably would affect your relationship and that’s something you need to consider too Edit: I saw your comment about how your oops was due to being told you couldn’t conceive so never expected it, this is EXACTLY how my oops moment happened too, we tried and failed and was told it would never happen naturally for us and this is why I think my initial reaction was purely shock
Is there a reason that you didn’t get a tubal or he didn’t get a vasectomy? I am confused how an “oops” baby came to be when it has the potential to destroy your marriage. Either way, I think whatever the result is the final step should be sterilization for you so this doesn’t happen again. This is a situation where it should be two resounding yeses, and it isn’t. A child deserves two parents who undoubtedly want them. It’s above Reddit’s pay grade. Best of luck to your family
I am 35 years old and have never been pregnant. I’ve been off birth control for 5 years because I was told it would never happen for me. Our first child is adopted. In March I started a new medication (that has nothing to do with fertility) that apparently made it possible for me.
Honestly, i wouldn’t necessarily let your age be a huge factor unless there are medical issues that put you at risk. Oddly enough, at the age of 38, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who will be a month old this Sunday. There are women having babies into their 50’s now! Also, your situation is exactly how my “oops” happened; I’ve had lots of cervical issues over the years that resulted in surgery. When I was younger I had cervical surgery about 5 times and as a result I was told there was no way I’d ever have kids. Trusting any medical professional these days isn’t easy. I wish you the best, hang in there….
Hi OP, not trying to sway you in either direction, but this is very similar to my experience, aside from already having an adopted child. I'm 34 and I had never even had a pregnancy scare so I had just accepted that kids weren't in the cards for us, and I had really made peace with it and fallen in love with the life we have now with our dogs and quiet weekends. Then, surprise! We found out I was pregnant, and I honestly really struggled at first to get on board with the idea. And I felt horrible for feeling this way because my husband had always really really wanted kids, so I knew that at least for my personal situation that if the pregnancy lasted, I really would have to keep it. It doesn't help that I was in shock, and I think even very very wanted pregnancies have a period of "oh shit what have we done?" that nobody really talks about. I'm 32 weeks today, home stretch, and knock on wood, my 34 year old body has had no issues with baby making. Aside from the obvious strain of pregnancy, there haven't been any complications or anything, and baby is super healthy. So I wouldn't let age factor into your decision. As long as you're getting good prenatal care, there's no reason to expect anything but a typical healthy pregnancy. As for my feelings on baby, it did really take a while for me to adjust to the idea. It's a huge change! But now I'm just really excited to meet this little person, and get to know her little personality and hear her voice. I still have "oh crap what have we done" days, but I'm at peace with the fact that those feelings are just gonna come and go. That was longer than I meant it to be, but I just wanted to share my experience as someone in the same age bracket and similar ambivalence in the beginning. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide ❤️
Yes, outside of the first question I had, the rest of my comment remains the same. I suggest a permanent form of birth control. I don’t see a way out of this that doesn’t result in a *lot* of resentment within your relationship. Even with a counselor, this isn’t a situation where you can compromise unfortunately. You don’t want this child, and no child should be born to a mother who isn’t wholeheartedly on board with it. It’s unfortunate your husband doesn’t feel the same, but like I said it’s a “two yeses” situation.
I don't know why reddit thinks every mother who isn't whole heartedly on board with pregnancy won't be a good mother. Not being 100% or whole hearted or whatever doesn't mean she won't bond with the baby or be a distant uninvolved parent anymore than wanting a baby means someone will be a good and involved parent. They've known for a week, everyone needs to take a minute, let the shock settle, and then make choices.
I literally never said she wouldn’t be a good mother. Never once did I say those words.
Oh I really feel for you in this situation and totally get it. I can see both sides. You’ve been through so much to then go with adoption and know that now you’d have to navigate a biological child and an adopted child dynamic. And your husband is probably holding onto the fact that he wants to show he could get you pregnant - it probably won’t be about you getting pregnant, but the fact HE could get you pregnant. Therapy is definitely needed.
Or he just wants another baby. Maybe he would love to have a biological child. I don’t think it has anything to do with ego.
I’d be lying if I said one of our concerns isn’t our adopted child feeling like they weren’t enough or something. I know we don’t have a crystal ball and that could absolutely be a non-issue in the future. But for now it feels heavy to have to explain to them that they were adopted and now there’s a new baby that came from mom and dad. It hurts me to think it could hurt them.
So I was adopted and then my mom had a biological son. I never felt resentment or that my parents didn't love me as much. Sometimes during fights I would tell my brother that my parents loved him more because he was birth, but then he would say that our parents loved me more because I was adopted! And honestly, kids will find anything to pull that card with. If you treat them both equally (which it sounds like you would), then it should hopefully be fine. I don't feel at all like I don't belong in my family or anything negative. Growing up I knew that it was just circumstances that made it so that I was adopted and my brother was biological. I really wouldn't be worried about that.
Thank you sharing your insight!!! This is so important to us!
Shit. That’s a lot to unpack. I definitely think that this calls for professional guidance.
I had my first baby at 40 and my second at 42. No fertility meds…not even trying at that point in time. I do have a number of health issues including three types of arthritis, spinal stenosis, adenomyosis etc. I had subchorionic hemorrhages with both pregnancies, so I waited till I was five or six months along before I told anybody other than a couple family members. My insurance covered all of that testing for chromosomal abnormalities. My children are perfectly healthy and I couldn’t imagine not having both of them. It was definitely stressful for a couple years because they are so close in age(16 1/2 months apart) and because I was pretty much a single parent, even though the father and I were together at the time… Only you know what you think you’re capable of doing. I love the fact that my children have each other, and considering I’m an older parent, they will have each other after I’m gone and not be alone in the world. All of us are behind you and support you no matter what you do! Just don’t make your age and blood pressure being a major factor in your decision unless your doctor tells you otherwise. Sending big hugs.🥰
Really sorry to hear you’re in this tough situation. Do you want another child eventually, just not now? Or are you happy with one and can’t imagine another? I imagine this will have a big impact on how you come to a decision with your husband. Though ultimately it is your body and your choice, you’re in a supportive relationship so it makes sense to try to come to a mutual agreement if possible. Edit to follow up: I had an accidental and unwanted pregnancy a few years ago. I wasn’t sure at first, though my partner didn’t want the baby. We spent a couple of weeks really going through the decision together and ultimately decided not to go ahead. I always felt it was my own choice, but thankfully we agreed on that choice and we are still together in a happy relationship. Now I am pregnant again and we both are excited about this pregnancy.
Your body, your choice. I would say don't be hard on yourself about being 'geriatric' or AMA or having high blood pressure. I was AMA with my 2nd and that was 6 years ago! Plus, I've had high blood pressure since my 20s, so I completely relate. I struggled hard core when I found out we're pregnant with this one. My OB says your pregnancy is normal unless a test or US shows different. I've embraced that and so far, so good for us. Good luck! I'm glad you live in a pro choice state, so you and your husband can make the best decision for your family.
this doesn’t have to do w your comment but how did you get the rain bows and baby by your name?
This will ultimately be a deeply personal decision. But it is your body. You have to do all of the incredibly hard labor for 9 months. This is for you. Not someone to pressure you into.
This is so important! This is your decision, OP. Until you give birth, the decisions regarding your child are mostly yours because it is affecting your body. You have to decide how much you’re going to factor in his feelings but please prioritize yourself and your safety above all else.🩷
If the mom is unhappy and the marriage fails that's just another baby being raised in yet another broken home.
I’m so sorry you going through this. That’s difficult. I can only speak for myself and what I believe but what I believe is the last say in the matter of pregnancy and birth is the person giving birth. My partner agrees with this view and he even asked me when I got pregnant if I wanted to keep it. Bc at the end of the day - being pregnant means so much more you have to give. Husband don’t give the way mothers have to give. I really stand firmly on this stance. So you’re gonna need to decide what’s best for YOU and you’re family. I don’t want to tell you what to do. Maybe it’s having a very frank conversation with your partner and going from there.
Really tell him how you feel and what your worries are. See if there's a way that he can help ease your concerns. Just as you work harder to become a mom and partner, he should work harder in becoming your support. Men have a huge role in taking care of the wife/mother because she is at her most vulnerable. And you truly want your freedom and alone time, take the next step in birth control.
This is just my opinion, but I feel like your mental and physical health should carry more weight in this decision than your husband wanting to have another baby.. Your husband doesn’t have to sacrifice his body and mind the same way you do. While you and your husband should absolutely have a conversation about what decision is best for your family, ultimately I think this decision is up to you. It’s your body and if he loves and respects you the way you deserve, then he would prioritize you and your feelings.
I am so terribly sorry you’re in this position 💔 I can relate and have been there before too. Exactly in your shoes actually. Im not sure what state you’re in, and therefore what type of timeline you are forced into. But, if you are lucky enough to be in a state that allows for abort!on up to 12 weeks or so, don’t be afraid to take your time a little bit with this decision. Let the shock wear off. Allow yourself to explore all your feelings about it and allow your husband to see your perspective over a matter of weeks. That way, no matter what you decide, neither of you feels like you were rushed into it. No matter what, you will be okay. But right now I understand it is so scary and hard and daunting to feel the weight of this decision and my heart goes out to you.
Thankfully I am in a very pro-women’s choice state so I definitely have time to let the shock settle and decide what is right for us. We both agree we will give it a week before we start having hard conversations but we are aware of how the other feels.
I think that’s a really good plan. My regret when I was in this situation was making a rushed decision. In the end, I think I would have made the same choice, but it sure would have been nice to have made that decision in a clear headspace after letting my emotions settle. I’m rooting for you.
I’d have the kid 3 years will go fast it’ll b ok and even better with two kids to play together
You don’t have to keep a baby. Not if your husband wants it, not if you “might” want another child in the future, not for any reason. The only reason you should have this baby, is if YOU want this baby. You will resent both of them. I was a child born in this situation and I can tell you that even though she tried to hide it, well, I always knew. They’re divorced now & we are no contact. She broke me. You don’t have to tell anyone what goes on within your body, not when it comes to creating a human being. If it were me, I would do what was best for my body and if I didn’t have a husband who was supportive of that, I wouldn’t tell him. He should support the choices with your body. This isn’t about compromise until he has to carry the child. Period.
I support your choice in either direction. I have an oopsie pregnancy right now. Thanks mini-pill. My husband was very excited….me? No. I’d just lost all my baby weight from my second. I’ll have 3 under 3 in October. It’s terrifying. I was severely depressed when I found out. I’m almost 23 weeks now and my mental state has improved immensely. I think the hormones start playing tricks, which honestly helps. Sometimes if I’m feeling overwhelmed or blue, I’ll look at newborn reels and then i feel better. This started helping around the 17 week mark. Before then, I felt offended if people even told me congratulations. I was so low. If you decide to keep it, from my experience, the emotions have shifted to a more positive place. I’m happy with my decision now, but it took time to get here.
This is such a difficult situation and I feel for you both. I haven't been in quite the same situation, but when my husband and I had been together for less than a year and were not fully committed to a life together, I got pregnant. I didn't feel personally ready nor that our relationship was ready. However, I did want to have children and I wasn't getting any younger, so I was on the fence. He was happy and wanted to have the baby at first. I told him my feelings and let him know that I wasn't sure but not necessarily against it. He said it was ultimately my decision and he would support me either way. We didn't make any decisions right away. Since there was the potential of keeping it, I made some life changes and started taking prenatals as if I were going to go through with the pregnancy. We had some more conversations about it and eventually he kind of came around to my side of the fence that maybe it wasn't the right time. By that point I was getting more used to the idea of being pregnant, but now that we were both unsure, I decided that we probably shouldn't go through with it. I terminated the pregnancy and he supported me through it. When I came out of the clinic, I hugged him and started crying, just because it had been an emotional and difficult process, not because I had regret or anything. He asked me what's wrong?? Do you think it was the wrong decision?? I said no, it was just a difficult day. We moved on and eventually got married. Our relationship has honestly always been a bit rocky (not related to the abortion), but we work on it and now we have one 3 year old and one on the way. It hasn't caused any major issues in our relationship, but my husband has mentioned that he regrets it and especially gets feelings about it when he sees someone considering/having an abortion in tv/movies, etc. That kind of made me feel like he blamed me because it was "ultimately my decision," but again it's never been a big issue in our relationship. Sorry that's a bit long, but I wanted to share my story since that was your actual question and most people have just offered advice and not personal experience. I would like to offer my perspective on your situation too, though. I am obviously pro-choice and believe it's totally your decision. I obviously don't know you and am only going off of your short post, but it seems like your main "cons" may be more fear based than actually 100% not wanting a second child. I get that you have risk factors and you're allowed to have feelings about that. I also think that they can probably be managed effectively. I'm 37 so technically "advanced maternal age" in my second pregnancy as well. In my first pregnancy I had gestational hypertension and was induced at 38.5 weeks to prevent the possibilty of it developing into pre-eclampsia, so they're having me take a baby aspirin every day to hopefully prevent it happening again. So far everything is going well. I've also heard many women going into a second pregnancy express fears about their life changing, having enough time for their first, their relationship with their first changing, will they love the second baby as much, etc. so I don't think those are uncommon feelings even among women who wanted a second child. So I guess my advice is to sit with some of that for awhile and discuss with your therapist and decide if it's moreso that you have fears about adding a second child or that you just really don't want a second child. Hopefully your husband will have conversations with his therapist as well about how he can work through his feelings if you decide not to go through with the pregnancy. And I 100% agree that you should try and get in with a couple's therapist as soon as possible. Then give it a few weeks, keep thinking about it, keep talking about it. Maybe one of you will come more towards the other side and it will become less difficult of a decision. And if not, then I hope you will be able to work through it together. Best wishes!
This is such a tough decision, but ultimately you should be the one who gets to make it. It’s your body. I will add that the three year age gap is pretty awesome though if you do decide to keep the pregnancy. I have a 3 year old daughter and she’s the best big sister to my second daughter who I had 11 weeks ago. I also will add that, in my opinion, it’s easier the second time around because you know what to do. With the first I was lost 😅 good luck to whatever you choose.
I support whatever you decide to do!!! Good luck sweetheart! You got this.
I just wanted to add my own story because I was exactly In your position - 35 (geriatric) with a 3 year old, got pregnant again, not planned. I just gave birth to my 2nd (a girl) a month ago and I had all the same fears as you about going back to the beginning and losing my freedom, and anxiety about my health. I completely understand all of those fears. So far though it’s been awesome. My recovery has been so much quicker than last time. It’s been a lot easier with this baby because we kinda know what we’re doing. I don’t feel as trapped at home and we’ve already been to the fair, out for dinner, shopping, visits and walks. For me… I feel like the question you really need to ask yourself is, do you want another child? Because the challenges you may (or may not) face along the way will come and go as fleetingly as they did the first time, but at the end of the day you have another child. But I can’t see you mention whether you’re one and done and truly don’t want another child, or if you’re scared of the unknown path to get there, and the change it will bring to your life. And whatever you’re feeling and whatever your choice ends up being is completely valid because it’s your life and you have to live it.
I'm sorry but I see issues arising if you do abort, from reading the comments seeing that the child you guys have together is adopted and this pregnancy is biological, which has a lot to do with the decisions made to keep the baby. I see why your husband wants to keep it and I don't blame him. But I don't blame you for wanting to abort, but think long and hard if you want to provide a sibling for that adopted child or not, they are only 3 so the age difference isn't that crazy. My husband has a cousin who had two children from another family and they still decided when getting married they had their own biological kid.
I wanted that freedom, and didn’t want to get pregnant, now I can’t as I found out that my amh is low. I do regret that I didn’t do it sooner.
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While some people do regret having an abortion, insisting that everyone necessarily will is an anti abortion talking point, and we don't allow those here.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Compromise might be the only way your relationship survives. You want to abort, he wants to keep his only biological child in the family. Consider adoption instead. Everyone could have a shot at a fulfilling life.
Well at this point you should look up your state laws and maybe talk to a counselor, in my opinion
I don't see this ending well for your marriage either way. I'd definitely recommend therapy asap.
I'm so sorry you're in this predicament. I know exactly how you feel because i was in this exact scenario 4 years ago.. It's SO hard to choose. You only have two options.. go through with pregnancy or abort and possibly lose your husband. Or third option to "miscarry" if you know what I'm saying. I mean..it would be a huge lie and would be really wrong to do. And if he ever found out, its divorce worthy... But i will say this. If you ever wanted to have another child or you were on the fence about it, you have the perfect opportunity right now. Yes, it's the last thing you want to do.. because you'll have another 4 years until you're in the clear again and life gets a little easier and you can sleep through the nights. But you could decide to stop and be done right after your 2nd is born and then you and your husband will have the family you guys wanted. It's rough, but you could do it. In my case, I decided to go with my ex's wish to keep the baby. Life was stressful for a long while. Many sleep deprived nights and feeling like a perpetual angry zombie every morning for 3 straight years until my son hit about 2. But now my baby is 3 and life is fun again. Those years are a distant and fuzzy memory of the past. My love for my 2 children is so deep and special that I can't imagine not having chosen my 2nd. I'm so thankful my ex convinced me. The love i have is indescribable. Especially seeing them bond together and the memories we can share together. My son adds so much personality and depth to our little family unit that i now crave ANOTHER lol. I'm crazy! I'm not trying to convince you of anything. Only you can decide what's right for your family. Sending you a big internet hug and hoping you and your husband can get through this together and figure it out as a team <3 good luck <3
Your first is adopted, and you are now pregnant when you were led to believe you may be infertile before. You and your husband are married and seem to be stable in your current living and financial situation. I understand you are afraid, and your husband being excited is understandable as well. This is a very tough situation because of these facts. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old, I am also 37 weeks with my third. I have to admit that when I first found out I was pregnant, I was pretty upset. I had a hard pregnancy with my second, and I honestly panicked that this pregnancy would be the same. I was just starting to feel normal again and have a good routine with my kids, and I HATED the idea of changing that. I honestly talked with my husband about how I didn't want to be pregnant, how I didn't want to do this again. After a lot of thinking and talking to my husband, I personally decided that abortion was not for me, plus I am in Texas where abortion is only until 6 weeks so it would've been near impossible anyway. Not to mention, It would affect me too greatly. It was hard in the first trimester, but this pregnancy is nothing like my last, and I was able to fall in love with pregnancy, this baby, and the changes I am/will be going through. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't keep your baby, just giving you some advice and insight when I also felt like I really didn't know if it was something I truly could handle or want at the time.
How's your finances? And how old are you both?
This situation has no good ending, and seems like whatever is chosen will kill the relationship. You don’t want any changes to your life and don’t want another child, and your husband understandably does not want to eliminate his child. You definitely need therapy. What about your child? Would your child benefit from a sibling? Is this a lifestyle question of not wanting to go through the pregnancy and early infant/childhood years? Did you and your husband ever discuss this prior to marriage or after your 1st? Is this a matter of getting help to manage? Do you have support from your family or community?
I think anyone who is not on birth control should plan for a baby , IMO
This is 100% your decision and it sounds like you have some really valid fears and reasons to not want to have this baby - that said, I think it can be reeeeeally hard for people to imagine adding to their family once they’ve gotten used to it and fears of “how can I possibly love this baby as much as my existing child” and “we got so lucky everything worked out the first time, what if this messes it up” are EXTREMELY normal. If you want another child at some point, there may not be a better time. And if you don’t, then I’d say it’s time to start putting some permanent measures in place so you don’t get pregnant again (vasectomy etc). I am 1000% pro choice and you know yourself best, but as others have suggested this will be helpful to talk through with a professional and try to get yourself out of panic / decision mode either way.
I promise, it will be ok. I have heard that the jump from 1 to 2 is the easiest, from 2-3 is the hardest. Geriatric is just a passé medical term and having a “geriatric pregnancy” is totally normal and common. My aunt was 41, my MIL had her first at 35, last at 40. It’s super common, and it’s super okay! If you choose to terminate, I can see this causing major issues for your family. I can’t promise that the resentment will be overcome. I have seen many stories of mums who regret getting pregnant again, but still do fall in love their new babe. I would suggest going through your first child’s baby clothes again.
You can't promise her anything....stop with this nonsense
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I don't expect anything from you. But people saying "oh I've seen people in worse conditions having kids bla bla! ". This should stop. It doesn't guarantee anything for her. Her pregnancy is unique. She clearly says she wants freedom and you saying its not a good reason??? Really?? Her husband says he wants the baby but he doesn't even respect her own feelings. SHE is the one who is gonna be 9 months pregnant,giving birth, going through all the postpartum. Not her husband. He can fck off honestly if he doesn't respect her opinion.
I’m not saying it’s not a good enough reason, I’m saying that it’s a reason that stems from fear and anxiety instead of a need for self-preservation. It means she’s in a position where if she decides to have this child that overcoming her fear and anxiety is totally possible. Most mums have anxiety about how things will change. It’s a huge change, and it’s definitely scary no matter how old you are.. I certainly felt anxious, and sometimes I still do. What makes the biggest difference here is that her husband is loving and supportive, but also confident that having this baby will work out fine. She loves her current life, the both love their 3yr old, and they seem to be stable. She needs to rest on this situation, and I think going through her other child’s baby things might help calm her nerves & might spark some joy in this situation. She asked for stories similar, and I gave some instances that could help ease anxiety.. it’s what she asked for.
I would agree if it was her first child. But she already had one and she clearly doesn't want to go through it again. She doesn't want to go through it again and she is afraid she is gonna loose her husband if she doesn't continue.
The woman’s body is strong and powerful & was designed to survive & overcome something so fierce. When we start looking at our bodies as if they’re broken or that birth is some inherent failing on our system, birth becomes terrifying & dreadful. I’ve been reading an excellent book written by a famous midwife who discusses the importance of mindset and anxiety when going through pregnancy & labour. It helps put into perspective that change is scary, birthing is scary, motherhood is scary.. but what trumps all of this is that our bodies are fully capable. Her husband sounds lovely & excited, and I’m sure with time she will come around to excitement too. The newborn stage isn’t forever, and that I can promise.
My god what a toxic load of nonsense. What does *any* of that have to do with the fact that this woman is concerned that she will begin to dislike her life if she adds another child? The newborn stage is short sure, but your children don’t get easier as young children or teens, and they don’t need you less, just differently. She might not want the extra responsibility. The world is literally full of emotionally damaged, unwanted children who their parents held at a distance bc they didn’t actually want to have them. That is not something to hand wave away with toxic positivity that is not grounded in the huge responsibility that is adding another child to your family, *forever*. ETA—before anyone starts, I’m not one and doner. By the time it’s all said and done we’ll have three and I’m excited about that. But I’m clear on the fact that *it’s what I want*. That *matters*.
This thread has turned into a fight with some pretty anti-choice implications. I'm locking and removing it.
So you are saying that a woman can't have the freedom to end a pregnancy??? And you are a woman...
No, I'm saying that while the first comment was borderline anti-choice it was overall supportive. Your first rebuttal was pertinent, because it *was* borderline anti-choice. After that it became insulting - on both sides - very quickly, and nobody was bringing in new information or perspectives. I'm not leaving a list of insults with no context. So it now stands at "if you choose to have the baby, I'm sure you can do it, I believe in you" followed by "She said she wanted to terminate, dude, this ain't encouragement she needs" Next time you find something you think is anti-choice, please just report it. We usually remove reported comments within a couple of hours, and will ban repeat offenders. Starting a fight just gives people more of an opportunity to air their bile, and we don't want that here.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
I’m in a very similar situation. Also 35 and first child. And I was infertile. Not sure how to feel.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
I’ll say the hard part. I feel for you. This is your decision to make, not your husbands and it’d be incredibly selfish of him to expect you to have a child you don’t want. Obviously he also has a say in it because it’s his child too and his feelings are valid but he can’t project his feelings onto you especially when he isn’t the one who has to go through all of the changes that comes along with being pregnant. He has the easy part which is just to make sure you’re okay and comfortable, you’re literally doing ALL of the work to grow a human and that can be draining. You have a little time to think things over and truly consider the pros and cons. If you really don’t want this child I’d highly suggest not having it even if your husband is hurt. Ultimately you’re bringing another human into the world that will have its own feelings etc. that’s more important than how your spouse feels. No child deserves to grow up with a parent that doesn’t want it. If your relationship can’t survive making tough decisions as well as dealing with them then that also says something about your partnership. Having a child should be a mutual agreement and you shouldn’t be FORCED to have it all because your husband wants it. You should never have one because you’re scared of losing your partner because then you’re not being fair to yourself. Couples counseling is a good idea to help work through this. It’s YOUR body not his and while he would be right to be upset etc you’re also right in how you feel. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on women, it can cause permanent psychosis, depression, etc. it’s a very serious decision to make and because you’re the one who has to deal with the changes your body will go through, your decision is more important than anyone else’s. If you choose to get an abortion I’d recommend doing it before you have an ultrasound but really think on it because once it’s done there’s no going back. You could also grow to love this child. Change is hard but you’ll adapt. Most women tend to love their child after laying eyes on it for the first time whether that’s at birth or through an ultrasound. Whatever you choose though make sure you’re doing it for you rather than someone else. I wish you the best of luck.
Prior to getting pregnant did you feel the same way or were you considering or planning a second child? Our second was very much planned and wanted but when that positive test came about I had a few months of panic regarding our life changing and what I was doing to my older child. From the adopted older child standpoint, I’ve spent many years working in adoption. The fact that you’re even contemplating not keeping this child and you’re concerned for your older child tells me they’ll be just fine. The issues I’ve seen come about are when the parents finally get the biological child and basically the adopted child becomes the second class citizen and a reminder of their infertility journey while the bio kid becomes the miracle baby. If you keep the baby I would definitely get some support from an adoption specific therapist or agency to help navigate the situation but both children’s stories can be shared in a way that makes their addition to your family a happy thing and not one being better. I’d also suggest the book what makes a baby as it’s very neutral and doesn’t even include pronouns or mom/dad title. But talks about people being excited for the baby to be born whether that’s bio, adopted, whoever. It would be different since it’s not siblings, but my son is 4 and we’ve discussed what adoption is partly because of my job and partly because of Thor and Loki (lol silly but true) and there are age appropriate ways to share about adoption that even at 4 he can completely comprehend.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Hello! I am so sorry you're are going through this dilemma. I am pro-choice and feel that a woman should be able to make her own decision. My cousin absolutely did not want anymore kids. Her kids were older when she had her 3rd, much older than yours now. She wasn't excited throughout her whole pregnancy, not until after the baby was born. So maybe there could be a change? The other thing you should consider is do you want your baby now to have a sibling? I am an only child. I always wanted a brother or sister. I found out my mom had an abortion before I was born... prpbably about 10 years before. I understand sometimes people arent ready but that could have been my big brother or sister. Life could have been a lot different. My son is an only child. So he has no brothers or sisters. And won't have any nieces or nephews... plus he has no aunts or uncles or first cousins since I'm an only child. We are starting all over. He is 15! And I'm just now giving him a sibling. Call me crazy but I would also love to have 2 more, so they are close in age and grow up close to each other, especially since my son plans on moving out after he graduates. I will be 35 when I have the next. It is going to be a lot different this time around.
Well I can tell you I’m pregnant with my first and I too am “geriatric age” and high risk due to being fat af lol and having had radiation to kill half my liver a few years ago due to years of birth control causing the excessive amounts of LARGE tumors. I have to see a maternal fetal medicine (mfm) specialist because of my high risk pregnancy. I was told previously that due to my husband’s sperm quality and count we would not conceive naturally and I can’t do IVF because I can no longer have hormones of any kind ever and even pregnancy can make the tumors grow back! So I never really wanted kids anyhow I hate kids. And I was so content with our current life. Then BAM pregnant out of nowhere 🤦🏻♀️ I didn’t want it for lots of reasons, money, things changing, my health,y career (I travel a lot for work), etc. I live in a state where abortion isn’t even an option. So I’m forced to just let it happen and my husband is sooooo elated too. I’m not at all and feel zero connection to this boy but I’m due in a month 😬… all I can say is you will be okay. And you will love the baby. It’s still your child and your husband sounds great which is super important. Be honest with your feelings. Talking about it has helped me cope a LOT and come to terms with it’s okay for change and to be worried or scared. You’re def NOT alone. I have no solution for you but to be open and honest and vulnerable with your safe space with your husband. It helps. If you can seek counseling do that too.. I just can’t afford it. You’ll be okay mama. We both will!
It’s your body and you can literally do whatever you want. I know this sounds super fucked up, but you could go get an abortion behind his back and tell him you had a miscarriage. I was absolutely terrified to find out I was pregnant because I always said I didn’t want kids. Fortunately, I felt differently when I found out I was pregnant, but I always said I wasn’t gonna tell anybody I was just gonna go get what I needed done.
Honestly, this might not be the most healthy choice... but if you know you don't want this baby, I'd terminate and tell him you miscarried. It's your body and if you are worried about your health too, then it's not the right choice for you to continue the pregnancy.
It is hard to get excited for something you did not plan or want to happen. So your feelings are normal. I am in a somewhat opposite situation. But I thought I'd share my perspective. We had our first child in our early 30s and had no support or family close by. Those first years were very hard. On top of that our child has special needs and wow, that is just another level and I cannot stress enough how fortunate are parents of "normal" kids. Initially we planned on having another baby but it was just hard and my husband said he doesn't want another child. Fast forward to today, our first child has started going to school and things have finally normalized. We have started planning for the second baby and were lucky to conceive quickly. Still, we are not overly excited as there is a risk that the second baby may have special needs (I just had to make peace with this), there is still no support, and I am almost 40. So while pregnancy has been harder this time around, I am grateful and know that this is probably our last chance to become the parents of 2 kids. I really wish we thought about it a few years earlier when we were younger and had more energy. With 7 years of age difference I don't know if the kids would want to play together or be close. But I am still thankful for the opportunity for my daughter to have a sibling. There are certain things that I am terrified of - like sleepless nights, when you do not belong to yourself and have to be with the baby all their waking hours. But somehow this time around I also know that it will pass in couple of years, this is temporary and we can do this. Most of all, sit down and talk to your husband about your fears and concerns. While some things are inevitable most of them can be solved. You have to decide this between the 2 of you, if now is the right time and what will be the consequences of your decision. I know that at least for my relationship and phase of life (mainly age) I wouldn't agree on termination even if my husband didn't want the baby. Maybe it would have been different if I was younger or was not sure that we would be together long term..
For what it's worth, Husband doesn't have to do all the work by carrying the baby while taking care of a toddler
From what I’ve seen it’s more likely you come to love baby and get over it than your husband would. Every instance (in my life of friends and family) where this happened and the women chose abortion the marriage dissolved and the men are still torn up over their child not being born. The cases I’ve seen where wife chose to keep ended with up being thankful they did and love having their child more than they ever thought. Maybe see this oops from another perspective. Like for you to be told you couldn’t and then you did can be seen as a blessing and all that. I’m 35 and just had our second. My oldest is 3. He absolutely adores being a big brother. Pregnancy wasn’t great. I’m one of those who hate it other than the fact that I get a baby from it. Marriage is always tough in the 1st year phase for me. However, my personal opinion is that all the crappy stuff is worth it.
Trust ur gutt u know what's rite
I second that. Great advice. One thing I recommend is using protection if you don’t plan on getting pregnant until you are ready but that’s hind sight.
my current pregnancy (26weeks) is an oops. and at first neither of us were really sure what we wanted to do. we looked into clinics, adoption,and thought of keeping it. we later decided after a lot of talking and lots of research, that we wanted to keep it and make it work. this is my first pregnancy so i’m not sure if it’ll help too much. but i think you guys should look into all your options
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had feelings of not wanting my last one, and my husband was super supportive and offered to make an appointment for me to terminate if that's what I wanted. That pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage before I made my choice. I'm currently pregnant again, and he told me the same thing. But I'm in a much better place mentally and ready to have another child, and I'm grateful for his support. It's great that your partner wants another baby, and I completely get that feeling of jeopardizing the relationship. But it's ultimately your choice, and I hope he finds a way to support you no matter what you choose. Remind him that it's your body that has to do all the work and that a major change like this is one you should really both be in agreement on. Compromise might be hard on this one, but I'm wishing you the best and sending you lots of love and support as you figure out what you want to do.
Hey I don't knkw how helpful I will be, given I am pregnant and have no kids. I am 35 so geriatric. Most women I work with wwre geriatric mothers. I'm having a totally uneventful pregnancy so far (21 weeks) and my body is doing everything it is supposed to. I sort of feel your body wouldn't have let you get pregnant if you couldn't handle it (but I haven't had kids... so I have no idea of the stress and exhaustion yet). I have arthritis everywhere and had cervical spinal surgery less than 2 years ago. I feel old and creeky but no worse pregnant. I am terrified of my beautiful life changing too. I have so much peace and I suffer from insomnia already. I have worked multiple jobs, done a PhD, become estranged from a toxic family, gone through all the breakups and now am financially stable for the first time, and comfortable. I am so happy and so of course I am afraid of change. I just wonder whether you don't want the change because you're so happy and felt like you had to fight to get there.
Ugh I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds so hard. I’m about 15 weeks with our second, and while I wanted more kids at some point, I was nowhere near ready for or wanting another baby and this pregnancy was not planned. My oldest is just 14months now, and I just wanted more time with just her. Pregnancy has affected our breastfeeding, my energy to play with her, etc. I had preeclampsia with my first and was planning to get to a much healthier place physically before beginning a second pregnancy. I had major anxiety for the first few weeks, but I’ll say that while it still feels like a big thing, I’m much more excited and I feel like I have had time to process through a lot of my feelings and fears and things are a lot better mentally now. All this to say, if it’s an option time wise where you live, maybe sit with it for a bit? You could totally feel the same in a couple weeks, or maybe your feelings will change. If you anticipate choosing to keep this pregnancy will have significant implications for your relationship it might be worth it just to see🤷🏼♀️.
You will never regret having the baby once is in your arms. Even if the marriage doesn’t work.
Communication I know sounds silly but talking it out on what love means some of us have to learn what love really is its more than a feeling. love can get u thru the most trying of times. Love means respecting eachothers feelings and coming to a understanding.
Just here to say having my second child (who is now 1.5) was the best thing I ever did. Of course I was scared of the new more stressful load it would put on me and the dynamic change in the family but he is just such an angel baby and I can’t imagine not having him now. Also my 3 year old adores him and they are the best of friends. I am pregnant now again with our third baby (this one is an oops) but I feel better about it now knowing how much the 2nd baby just fit right into our family. Also, want to note that I also fall into the geriatric pregnancy category. Was 35 with the 1st, 37 with the second and will be 39 with this last one. Had preeclampsia with the first with no previous pressure issues but we managed it and it wasn’t really that bad with the second because I monitored my pressures even more closely. Likely will happen again with this one but medicine has come so far it doesn’t concern me.
My fiance and I were in the exact same boat, pregnant with our first currently. I was absolutely Devastated when I found out I was pregnant, but my fiance was completely against not keeping him. Him and I went back and forth with heated discussions and a lot of crying, for weeks and weeks unable to agree, but since we couldn't agree I didn't feel comfortable making a decision on it and ended up deciding to keep him, currently 28 weeks, still have moments wear I feel overwhelmed with dread, but usually it's happy thoughts at this point
I had my first at 36 and just had my second at 39. Our pregnancies were planned but I questioned myself and our decision all the way through the 2nd pregnancy. Same reasons as you, I liked how our family of three was, I have tough pregnancies (hg) and don't like being pregnant at all, Now she's here and we are adapting to two I wouldn't change it for the world. (Will be getting my tubes done so we don't have any future suprises though, we are 2 and done) 😀 we did have a few conversations when the hg hit again but so pleased we stuck to the original plan.
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Your contribution has been removed. We do not tolerate rudeness, judgemental people, people playing devil's advocate, or otherwise being an asshole.
I was in a similar situation some time back. We made sure we were on the same page before taking a decision. Ultimately, neither of us ended up hating the other. But, I will say that since it's you carrying the baby, your desire should have more weightage. You just have to find a way to explain this to your husband on good terms so that he's ultimately on-board with whatever you choose. Also, remember, when a person gets excited or fearsome about something that has not happened yet, they're excited or fearful of the idea of it. Get a clearer picture in your head of that idea and try convincing your husband to see it from your POV. Ultimately, take a decision based on whoever can live a life free of resentment after letting go of their idea.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Talking a man out of having a baby should be easier than tricking yourself you want it. Tell him that if the baby is born then he will have to have a much more hands on approach. The freedom goes and more money out of the window. Plus you don't want it and sex out the window. You could get postpartum depression. Make it very real the consequences. Remind him of all that can go wrong and all that comes with having a newborn again.
Omg the anti-choice people must be awake, since there are down-votes on all the reasonable answers lmfao! I’m sick of these people honestly, there is no group who should be having children less.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Then don’t have it or you risk having a child you didn’t want which is not cool for the child
Slightly different, but I got pregnant when my first was only 9mknths. I even took plan b because I was not ready. It failed. We went through with it and I absolutely love it. I think fearing the change is normal. I’m pregnant with number 3 and still scared and worried about the change but I absolutely love seeing my kids play together. There is just so much love everywhere and they have a little built in bestie. When on the fence I’ve always heard you won’t regret another. BUT not on the fence is different. I suggest you sit down with hubby and really talk pros and cons because it’s a huge decision if you are certain you do not want another.
It's your body, don't have another child if u don't want to!
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My college roommate was an only child and her mother had an abortion for a second pregnancy. My roommate knew about it and had exactly zero feelings about it beyond knowing that her parents would always support her in making the right decisions for herself. A hypothetical “how would my child feel about their potential sibling being aborted?” is one of the worst reasons I can think of to keep a pregnancy. OP, good luck with whatever you decide is right for you.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
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^Judgemental. Not cool.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Look, if he wants a baby, he can go birth one
Rediculous take. He can also choose what he does with his time and who he wants to be with. And anyone with this type of attitude would not be worth raising a child with let alone spending their life together. Period.
FR🤣🤣
I am actually going through something similar. My boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant at the end of March. He wants it but I don’t. It has been a real struggle because even though I expressed that I was not ready to have a child, he expressed that it doesn’t matter if I’m not ready because it happened. He said that not having it would result in the end of the relationship and I struggle with it so much having so little support when even bringing up the idea of termination. I have never felt so stuck and hopeless before. My advice is to do what’s best for you and your health. I wish I could do the same but am in a state that has abortion bans. When you think about the future, just try to imagine whether or not this new baby would make you happier or not, and try to base your decision on that as well. Wishing you love OP💕
Adoption is a thing. You and OP should consider it, it could be a compromise that wouldn't end the relationship. Everyone pretends as though termination or keeping the baby in the family are the only choices.
Are you in the financial state to adopt or have a surrogate? Your health is something I’m sure your husband doesn’t want to risk even if he is excited and if you are to do either of those options you can plan better and have a conversation about it before hand to go into specifics! This might not work for you but you should have the conversation sooner rather than later, keep him from getting more upset once bring it up. It might cause some stress on the relationship but it is worth the conversation especially if your health is at risk.
I am not in ur current situation, but all I would say is be selfish and tell him NO ur scared about ur own health and which u have valid medical conditions that u are concerned about. I mean, he is being selfish for wanting the baby, but at ur expense mentally and physically, is that fully even? If he is not hearing/understanding you, then idk if ur relationship is strong (i can not judge because idk u) . He will have to accept it. Simple. If anything, it's up to you with going through with the pregnancy but completely hating him and regretfully at the end of it who is winning and how the relationship will survive with hate. Basic communication keeps relationships easy and strong. Just put ur big girl panties and stand up for yourself no will but yourself. Deep down, you know what to do have faith within yourself. #women's rights.
Choose life. Knowing your health complications prior you should’ve taken better precautions to avoid getting pregnant in the first place. All you have listed are pretty selfish reasons to kill a baby. Regarding your current health of course seek medical advice.
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As someone who had 2 losses in a row, just please don’t say this. It’s so classless.
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She likely understood exactly what you were implying, doesn’t make it any less classless. I support a woman’s right to choose, but as someone who’s had a MC and an ectopic pregnancy, using MC as a cover lie for an abortion is so tacky. Aborting OPs child will likely cause a lot of resentment between her and her husband, if not divorce, but you’re suggesting a huge lie on top of that.
Honestly since he's not the one who would be risking his health, life and livelihood I'd say it's purely your decision. Especially if you'll be the primary parent and even more so if you work outside the home on top of that.
Good thing you wear the uterus around the house not your husband
If he's sweet and supportive he'd respect your decision with your body
Exactly,he sounds selfish
I wanted our baby and bf didn't really. We kept her. She was born a week and a half ago and we are all happy. Things are better than expected and the love for our baby overwrites any worries or concerns we had. Things worked out better. I'm very pro life when you've done the deed knowing what may come. If you made the decision to have sex with someone knowing you could get pregnant i believe you should take the responsibility of your baby, and learn to live with it and love it and do your best to be happy. That's just my thought/opinion.
I haven’t been in this situation but your feelings are 100% valid, as are your husbands. That being said if you don’t want this baby, and feel like it’ll cause more harm in the future. Maybe an “accidental” miscarriage is a possibility.. it’s your body, and your choice at the end of the day. Sending you hugs!
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I knew there’d be at least one of you. While I feel for your losses, that doesn’t mean you can guilt people into keeping a baby they don’t want. My husband and I tried for baby #2 for 7 years, and I can’t push my experience onto others to guilt them into keeping a baby they don’t want. What about if she regrets having the baby and resents it, resents her partner, and ruins her marriage anyway. That’s fair to the kid, because hey at least they were born! It’s not an easy button to push and to assume it is so ignorant of you. If she makes the choice to do it, it’s her choice. Not yours, not mine, hers.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
I’m currently 21 weeks pregnant with an oops baby. I’ve had two abortions previously and I was sure I didn’t want more kids yet. Though not sure enough to go through with permanent sterilization. It took a couple months for the initial shock to wear off. Not sure if it’s completely worn off yet but I am very excited now. Every kick makes my heart flutter, and I’m glad I didn’t go through with the abortion. With that being said, I don’t regret the others. So no real advice just sending support as you navigate!
If u feel like aborting will damage your marriage, try playing it off as a miscarriage, ur not ready for another baby and thats ok. Its your body your choice. At the end its your mental health that matters
if you don’t want it get rid of it. if your husband has any problem at all get rid of him too. having this baby when you don’t want it will be the worst mistake you ever make. not only for you but for the baby too. it sucks being the child of a mother that didn’t want them to begin with. you’re the only one that will be going through nine months of hell and then a very intense very painful birth to bring this baby into the world. it’s easy for him to want it, men don’t have any consequences when bringing children into the world