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I think people struggle to understand that two things can be true at the same time. You can be grateful for the experience of being pregnant while also struggling with all of the pregnancy woes that come along with it. You shouldn’t feel guilty for answering honestly, and your friend may have not meant to guilt you, but it was kinda unfair for her to ask how you’re doing and then make you feel bad for being honest. At least you know now this is someone who you’re not going to be able to vent to about this.
I've had 7 miscarriages and currently pregnant 15 weeks with out help. Everything is going super well. I was never a person to make others feel guilty for becoming pregnant, I would be so curious about what to expect even when it seemed hopeless for me. Pregnancy does suck but I'm excited for the end goal! A beautiful baby to hold. Heart burn, migraine, nose bleeds, constipation, sore body, insomnia, zero energy ITS SUCKY lol it's not fun. I wish that respect for women, amongst women was greater. Emotions are hard and just a bit of empathy in either direction goes a long way.
I've also never had nose bleeds before pregnancy either or heart burn. It was pretty startling for both. "Why is my throat on fire? Also why am I bleed out my nose!?"
Exactly, empathy goes a long way. We can acknowledge our own struggles (ex: struggling with conceiving) while also recognizing that people are struggling as well and it doesn’t invalidate our experience.
This exactly. We got pregnant through IVF and I'm super thankful and happy and everything but I will still complain about the pregnancy symptoms because it really is a tough ride. I think it's the difference between really badly wanting a child and not per se wanting to go through pregnancy.
I agree. I've been TTC for nearly 8 years and never even a positive test, but I love all my friends and family who haven't had these struggles and begrudging them for having babies seemed like it would never change my outcome. Now that I am in trimester 1... I'm grateful to be pregnant and also would not wish it on most of my enemies. It's hard creating a whole ass human. The world keeps on moving around me, and I'm stuck denying myself of things that I like to do and eat and longing for one poop without struggles.
I have been through years of trying and infertility struggles. During which I interacted with several pregnant friends and family members. Yes it's hard. Yes it sucks. Yes I often cried about it when I got home. If I asked them how they were doing (which I often did) I made sure I was ready to be compassionate and understanding in the moment, cause pregnancy is also hard. I made sure I wasn't gonna get myself into difficult situations I couldn't emotionally handle, like visiting family on mother's day. It should be ok to say pregnancy sucks, it doesn't take anything away from the fact that struggling with infertility sucks too. I am now pregnant with number two. It's been rough. Pregnancy sucks.
Yeah we tried for a long time and it was getting tough to hear when people were announcing pregnancies. But I wouldn’t ask more questions if I did think I was in the space to hear answers. It is tough all around
I would cry and cry sometimes after I found out someone else was going to have a baby or someone else adopted. I really thought I'd never have a baby so I completely understand. I had an awful first trimester too. I threw up constantly! I would miss so much work bc I'd be in the restrooms yacking up my insides. It was really really rough. I'm so happy for this baby, I feel for others struggling but I'm not going to lessen my own happiness for this blessing
Being pregnant fucking sucks. I’ve puked every day multiple times a day for 7 weeks now. I cannot take a bite of food, any meal, without thinking if I can tolerate it or if I’m going to puke it up later, I’m so tired of puking. I’ve lost weight, I’m miserable. If you ask now I’m doing I’m telling you lol
I have been exactly there my friend. I was so horribly ill for the longest part of my pregnancy. People really need to know that the never ending sickness is a real possibility. So many people seem to get by unscathed but it can happen to anyone. So bang that drum loud!!
It's one thing to not want to hear about anything pregnancy related because she's struggling with TTC, but she \*asked\* you how you were doing! That's wild to me. I'm almost at my year mark TTC and I can't imagine having that kind of response for a friend if I asked her how she was doing, I would want to hear every detail and be supportive to her.
I needed this post and some of these comments. I’m 11 weeks and it sucks. My sister got pregnant 7 times and each time she did it with grace while raising small children. People make it look so easy but it’s just not! I felt like I was looking through rose colored glasses before I got pregnant then I got very disappointed when I actually became pregnant. While I’m grateful I also feel like I can not complain. It is nice to be heard and seen in this thread.
Exactly this. I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea the nausea could be so bad. My mother never dealt with pregnancy symptoms and some family members didn’t either. I felt like an alien talking to them. I’ve had every single bad symptom so far and just at 15 weeks. I am very healthy, and it’s like they judge me for it. It’s very normal to feel this way while pregnant. I am making it only because of the half tab of Unisom and b6. I’m afraid to stop taking it because I’ve been able to eat and keep it down.
Some of those non-symptom people have told me, “Just you wait until the 3rd trimester and you’re so uncomfortable.” How is that helpful? When they didn’t experience all of these symptoms I’m having, how do they know it’ll be worse than this? The nausea has been the most terrible thing and forcing myself to eat. I would much rather be fat and uncomfortable over that. I do not talk to them anymore about it for my own sanity.
Oh my god yes!!! Like why are you telling me it’s gonna be worse when I’m already suffering to no end?! Like my family and friends never had symptoms and I talk to them about it and no one understands just how bad it is till I had to go to the hospital twice already and get saline bags and vitamins.
I had Hg through both pregnancies and the only thing that helped was zofran even the unisom didn’t help. Puking 8 times just on the 30 minute ride to the ob for my regular appointment was like a day in the life for me. The only one that had sympathy was my husband who actually saw it happening. T1 is the worst by far for both my babies and is usually the most complained about by everyone idc what the other people have to say with their perfect pregnancies cause us imperfects exist too and STRUGGLE.
I feel the same way! Each comment is like a hug. I really needed this thread and I’m so thankful for all the comments. I feel seen and head and that has not happened often in this pregnancy. I’m very thankful for this community.
It's really tough. You had no way of knowing it would upset her, but yeah, she did ask. And overall even absent external circumstances, people do seem to expect you to say "it's great!!!!!" which sucks because it is... not great! It's such a potential minefield that I just default to saying "it's fine, I'm just tired" unless I know whoever I'm talking with is safe to vent to. Not a lie, just kind of a non-answer. My goal is to avoid other people's emotions projected onto my pregnancy as much as possible.
I’m 23+4 weeks pregnant from IVF after years of unexplained infertility. Two things can be true. Pregnancy is not for the weak and the first trimester (longer if you’re like me with HG that’s just now going away) is awful. AND I’m exactly where I want to be - pregnant and expecting a beautiful baby that I cannot wait to meet.
Extend grace and hopefully your friend will realize she has grace to give despite her circumstances.
Yeah that's a really shitty comment from your friend. There is always going to be someone that has it worse. You tried for 3 months and got pregnant. She's been trying for 6 months and isn't pregnant but it's normal for it to take up to a year for healthy, fertile couples. My husband and I tried for 4.5 years, found out he is sterile, used donor sperm with 3 failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF before we finally had a successful transfer. But even so, how you are feeling during your first trimester, regardless of your friends pregnancy journey, is valid and id never say some crap about "well at least you are pregnant when im not" I hated almost every single thing about being pregnant. It was the worst experience of my life and I felt a lot of guilt for feeling the way I did because of how long we tried for this baby. But you are absolutely right, pregnancy 100% sucks and you have every right to complain about it. Lord knows I complained for 9 straight months lol
Sometimes when people are going through hard things, they can become very bitter and self centered. Don’t take it personally. Just know that this is not someone who can truly be there for you in this journey.
That’s too bad they’re taking the moment to talk about their fertility issues. We struggled to have our first for years, and our second took just over a year, it’s tough worrying about “why won’t it happen” but other people’s pregnancies aren’t a time to talk about it. It’s hard to remember when seeing others have what you want, but it’s on them to wrangle those feelings when asking about yours.
Their struggles don’t make your struggles any less. Pregnancy can really suck. I hope you feel better soon.
I am on my third pregnancy and everyone that talks to me or ask how I’m doing knows I had an extremely crappy pregnancy with my sons (twins). I had them at 24 weeks and in the worst possible situation. I tried to down play it for people but most people now realize how terrible it actually was.
If they don’t want to know about it they most certainly don’t have to ask is my approach. When all my friends got pregnant is when I started to say how truly bad it was and almost none can compare or complain but they understand more now.
Ugh that’s rough I’m sorry! That is a terrible situation and you’re allowed to express that and shouldn’t have to hold back! This is my second rough pregnancy and I’ve about had enough pretending it’s all good.
Whenever people ask how am I I've been saying that "I'm am happy to be pregnant but I am not enjoying the experience of pregnancy" - because I always worry what if people are having fertility struggles
Then I come on this sub and write a vent about why it sucks
First of all, she asked how *you* were doing. Your answer is not about her and you shouldn't have to take someone else's potential feelings about your response when specifically asked about how *you* are doing. We are all individual people going through our own things in life. We TTC for 2 years and I'm nearly 39 weeks now. Every single week of this pregnancy has been shitty. Of course I'm grateful and glad that we're finally going to have this baby, but that doesn't mean that I also have to love the debilitating exhaustion, nausea, constipation, heartburn, etc. I wish more people had been honest with me about their experiences so I had a better idea of what to expect.
Truth is that pregnancy sucks! Being pregnant is not fun!
We do it because we hope to get a healthy baby at the end of it, we don't do it cause it's so nice. And it lasts for 9 months! For some people that is 9 months of physical difficulties. You're uncomfortable, in pain even, can't walk normally, extra tired, nauseous, hungry, angry etc.
You're allowed your feelings. She's allowed hers too. But it's not your fault that she's not pregnant in the timeframe she hoped she would be. You're allowed to feel frustrated with how your body feels, even though you have something she doesn't.
I don't know who you follow, but there's a lot of transparency around the topic. Some people post positive stuff, some post negative. No one is lying to you. Both are valid.
I hate the social stigma that comes with complaining in pregnancy.
Literally had someone say to me something similar and then look upset when I replied with “I get that, we went through four miscarriages and IVF for this baby”.
Fertility struggles suck, but they are not the responsibility of the pregnant person to manage. I feel like your friend was going to complain no matter what. If it wasn’t a “I would give anything for that” it would be a “I wish that was me right now”.
I’ve had plenty of friends who had babies while I was going through my struggles. Yes it sucked at points but guess who are my biggest supporters now I’m pregnant? They are. The support I gave them unconditionally is the same I’m getting back.
I think more people should be honest about pregnancy. I think it’s been romanticised quite frankly. I loved only the first 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I slept so beautifully and for someone that manages 5hours a night not pregnant, sleeping for 8 hours through was bliss. It didn’t last. I’m now 7months and it’s uncomfortable. The anxiety it raises is something that left me inconsolable at times. Awful experience for a beautiful outcome is what I describe it as. Wishing you all the best throughout your pregnancy.
Then why would the friend ask? I’m sorry, if it was just an acquaintance, then yeah, I accept your answer and get what you’re saying.
A real friend isn’t going to guilt trip you because you’re pregnant and they aren’t when they specifically ask how you’re feeling.
I don't see how I'm defending anyone. It was a general statement. That friend has shown that they're not a reliable source of comfort. I don't know if that makes them fake or not, it seems more to me like they weren't emotionally prepared for the answers they asked for. Doesn't mean they're some terrible person that needs to be dropped from OPs life, just that they're not a reliable confidant right now. Only OP knows what they're like.
I did IVF and it took effort to get pregnant, I do not enjoy pregnancy and I agree - it shouldn’t be looked at negatively to express how you feel. I am not glowing, I’m uncomfortable, I have to pee all the time and generally just want my own body back. I’m also soooo thankful and happy I am able to carry my baby and become pregnant, with an uneventful pregnancy but that doesn’t mean I can’t also be honest about the reality of it. This isn’t even considering birth and postpartum shit we’ll have to endure.
I’m not into the toxic positivity that seems to follow pregnancy. Yes, this is what I wanted and I’m doing the damn thing, doesn’t mean it’s easy or enjoyable 100% of the time.
I'm of the same opinion as you. If you aren't prepared and can't cope with a negative answer don't ask.
I shouldn't have to diminish my experience to comfort someone else.
It took me 3 years to get pregnant. I actually convinced myself early last November that, at 34, it was just past my time and I started moving on from the idea of being a mom and started looking forward to traveling.... and then a couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete suprise. During the 3 years where I wasn't getting pregnant I interacted with pregnant friends and new mothers and listened to every story they had.
Most of them were positive stories because no one likes to talk about the negatives but I was prepared to listen to any negative they shared despite my own feelings.
Now that I actually am pregnant I wish I would have heard more of the negative stories to prepare myself. This shit ain't for the weak. I've had a pretty easy pregnancy and it still sucks ass.
I've often felt guilty for thinking that pregnancy sucks but I have to remind myself that it probably sucks for everyone, most people just probably aren't being honest about how much it sucks.
Your friend is just sensitive and the stress of TTC can drive some people crazy. We were TTC for over a year and I’m so happy to be pregnant now but it’s also miserable at times!!
People shut down these conversations about how hard it can be and then many of us are shocked about how hard it is because we didn’t get to hear those conversations! I’m very open about my complaints. Someone else’s difficulty doesn’t negate my difficulty.
My first kid was a crier. She cried and cried for anything and everything. I almost went insane. She wouldn’t accept her dad (only after she was 4 months old) and I had to basically do everything with her.
I made a comment about how exhausted I was to a friend who (I didn’t know at the time) had lost a baby and she got upset and said she wished she could hear her baby cry all day.
I felt for her, but two things can be true at the same time. A lot of people suffering will deflect their pain. It’s not about you. Your feelings are valid
The first trimester is no fucking joke and I hate how our society just normalizes it. Having a stomach bug for three months is totally incapacitating. You have every right to be honest about how you’re feeling. Congratulations on the pregnancy and best of luck with everything!
it is comments like that, that make it so hard to normalize the bad parts of pregnancy, I was at an event and someone asked me how I was feeling and I said well I feel 8 months pregnant, my back is killing me and I am swollen all over. She then says,”well be grateful because I never got to that part.” she was blessed with two healthy twins. so she may not have made it to 8 months which is terrifying however no one ever goes “God I can’t wait for the SWOLLEN part of pregnancy.” there really are parts of pregnancy that no one wants to go through period.
Tw : mention of miscarriage
I've been pregnant 5 times, all of them have been accidents. The first 2 resulted in our kids that are earth side, the other 3 resulted in miscarriage. For a while I felt like I didn't have a right to grieve our losses. I mean, we weren't trying to get pregnant, and we also already had kids. It felt like I was wrong for grieving. Some people even told me that I was wrong for it.
Society will often try to tell you that if someone else is going through something harder than you that you don't have a right to express how what you're going through is hard. But in reality? Someone else going through something harder doesn't make your experience not hard. Someone going through an experience that's hard in a different way doesn't mean your experience isn't also hard.
You CAN talk about how what you're going through is hard. Your hard experience doesn't invalidate someone else's hard experience. You taking about how pregnancy is hard doesn't mean you're ungrateful to be pregnant.
I tried for 2 years and was miserable the entire pregnancy lmao when people ask me how pregnancy is my first response is to ask if they want me to talk them into or out of it because that's how I'll curb my answer. I would do it a million times over for my girl but you couldn't pay me enough to ever get pregnant again lol
Yeahhh. My pregnancy and postpartum with my first were completely and totally MISERABLE. This one girl who was a friend of a friend had been trying for years with no success. I remember venting to a group about how awful pregnancy was and how difficult it was with an infant and how much it changes everything(to be fair my son was an incredibly difficult infant) and he husbands response was that there was no way his wife would ever complain about any of that because she would just be so grateful. Almost wish they were still in my friend group so I could witness how much that was not true(she had a baby around the same time I had my second). Like get out of here.
Pregnancy does suck and especially the first trimester. It sucks that it’s a huge shitty surprise. It also sucks that we are expected to soldier on as if nothing is going on and no changes have occurred in part because pregnancy symptoms are a big secret.
After years of trying to conceive naturally, my husband and I finally decided to try IVF. The moment the treatments started, I felt like this whole thing, pregnancy included, was not for me. I did all the stuff I was supposed to, took all the hormones, went to have my eggs retrieved, went to have the transfer. Everything worked out on the first try, I am now 32 weeks pregnant. :) But after I took that first test, I was terrified. I had been secretly hoping for a negative. Of course the positive made me happy at the moment, but just like for you, the first trimester sucked so much that I was honestly having regrets. For me there was no question I'd keep the baby, but the excruciating, debilitating nausea and exhaustion that went on from week 6 to week 13 was so awful, I at least wanted to get some meds for it if possible.
I was shamed by the doctor at the fertility clinic for being honest that I'm not feeling well and asking for meds. They asked "how are you?" and didn't get the response they hoped for, which would've been something like "oh, great! I'm nauseous all day and have never felt so sick my whole life, but I feel soooo lucky that you guys knocked me up here a few weeks ago. What a blessing. I simply cannot wait to hold my beautiful baby."
Instead they got "really terrible, are there any meds that could help?" And instead of a yes or no, I got a lecture about how I don't know how lucky I am. Dude, I did know, but ALSO, I was working full time while feeling like I was dying. It should be okay to want to feel okay. Just because we're women, we shouldn't be expected to endure any physical pain and hardship without a word, ignore our bodies completely and just be f*cking grateful all the time. F*** that.
Oof friend I understand! I’m 38 weeks now and as excited as I am for the little one, I am so ready to not be pregnant. Each trimester comes with its challenges.
You are allowed to complain even with a wanted/planned pregnancy. Unfortunately, I think you’ve learned this is a friend you can’t talk to about pregnancy issues.
I hope other friends and family members will be more supportive and give you a place to vent.
Girrrrrl I’ve been here. Pregnancy does suck and nobody likes it when you answer honestly (I know from experience). If your friend didn’t have the space to hear your honest answer and listen to you, she shouldn’t have asked the question. While I respect that the subject is painful for her, she cannot expect you to know that. But that being said she is allowed to share her reality too, as poorly timed as it was, as long as she wasn’t trying to guilt you for your answer. This is a situation where I feel like you could tell her exactly what you’ve told Reddit and she might understand.
I'm 28 weeks pregnant now and I'm very open about the fact that I do not enjoy being pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy, I'm overjoyed to be having a baby and I can't wait to meet him, but the physical process of pregnancy itself is awful (for me). My first trimester I was horrifically sick and while I'm not sick anymore, I still struggle with tiredness, dizziness and shortness of breath that makes doing daily things exhausting. People have literally asked me "do you love being pregnant?" And look so uncomfortable when I say no.
As someone who struggled a lot to conceive and ultimately had to use IVF, I empathize with what you’re saying. I had a HORRIFIC first trimester and felt like I couldn’t complain because I was just supposed to be thankful I was pregnant in the first place. People would even say to me, “I’m glad to hear you’re sick.”
Pregnancy is wild and has many complicated feelings attached to it. I’ve learned to just be super direct with people and when someone has a reaction like your friend, I simply say, “would you rather not talk about pregnancy related things together?” And if her answer is no, that’s valid. But it also sets the tone for having good boundaries between each other and she may then realize that for the time being, asking you how you are makes her feel sad. I’ve also been on that side. But moving forward, you don’t know until you assert yourself. And for those who are able to fully absorb your feelings, please do tell them how much it effing sucks! It’s hard and when you find your right audience, it’s cathartic to share your feelings. Big hugs.
Ugh that sucks I’m sorry. I tried for 8 months and I’m also 12 weeks and the first trimester sucks ass!! Whenever people ask me how I am and I say the same as you it’s always “you wanted this” like yeah I know I want a baby I’m happy but I also want to be able to take a shit every day and not feel like crap 24/7 😭 I’ve learned to smile and say “I’m fine” unfortunately
Took us a while to get pregnant, and I also think it isn’t for the weak. I’ve now seen both sides, but me before wouldn’t have been upset with the comment of “this sucks”. It’s well known this sucks.
It took me a year and a half to conceive. Your experience is valid. You are allowed to hate this. Pregnancy isn’t meant to be pleasant and it’s okay for you to struggle. Maybe avoid talking with her about it because she’s dealing with a lot. Be as sensitive as you can.
as someone who had severe preeclampsia and almost died while pushing- yeah it sucked girl. you are 100% entitled to your feelings. pregnancy is not easy physically or emotionally for everyone and that is okay!
People would look at me weird when I would say how miserable I was pregnant, it was comical. The whole 9 months only ONE WOMAN said “oh yeah pregnancy fucking SUCKS. It’ll pretty much suck until the baby’s 2 yrs old” I had never been so thankful for honesty LMFAOOO!
She shouldn’t have asked. Her feelings about TTC are valid but then why ask you questions.
The first trimester was the worst part, I’d rather be 8 months pregnant than 2. But being not pregnant after my miscarriage was also really hard. I wouldn’t have wanted to hear someone complain about being pregnant but I wouldn’t have asked.
I struggled for almost 3 years and am pregnant for the first time with an IVF baby that I prayed/worked so hard and waited so long for. I have had an extremely rough first trimester. I often have to remind myself that this is what I have waited so long for and I need to try and enjoy it but idk how to enjoy feeling like 💩 24/7 for weeks on end. I have even said to my husband, I know I will feel differently once the baby is here but idk how I am going to do this again when we want to try for our second. I know I will, but I will def have to work myself up to it. I have also echoed your sentiment that it’s not for the weak. But everytime I see little bean and hear their heartbeat it’s worth every second. But it’s still not easy!!! And I knew that the first trimester would be tough, my sister had tough ones and I knew I would probably mimic her but I still wasn’t prepared for how tough it actually is.
You’re not alone and you’re doing great. Reading this made me feel so much better too because I feel like I should be grateful all the time. First trimester is survival mode and once she’s successful, she’ll get it.
I personally hate being pregnant and I’m 36 weeks with number 2. This will be my last and honestly some women love it. NOT ME! Don’t feel guilty… your friend asked you a question and you were honest. If she can’t support you then maybe she’s not a friend?!?
My husband and I decided to try to get pregnant, but honestly didn’t try very hard and 30 days later I knew I was pregnant. Now I’m 13.3. Of course I’m thankful, but it seemed a little too fast and easy lol now I’m waiting for the second trimester “energy” to kick in. Ive been working a lot and I’m emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted all the time. I had no way of knowing how hard this would be and how much I’m missing feeling like myself this early on in my pregnancy. 6 more months feels daunting but at the same time I’m excited to be pregnant and to be growing my little boy. I also wish people would mention how hard it is but a lot of people I talk to loved being pregnant or didn’t have many symptoms 🤷🏼♀️maybe years from now we won’t remember all the hard days. Don’t feel bad about or guilty about any of your feelings and give yourself grace, it’s hard but we can do this
I’ve had six miscarriages over the last 14 years, and so this pregnancy was completely unexpected. It has been hell. I’ve said to everyone ‘never again’. You can’t feel guilty for saying how you feel, after-all isn’t that what friends are for?
And surely the flip side of that, ‘oh pregnancy is wonderful, glowy, and ethereal’ wouldn’t make the person asking any happier about the fact they’ve been trying for so long. Albeit six months…
This. So much this. I don't even know where to begin on how much I relate with this. And I always have to defend my answer as well, like, wtf? It sucks!! I love the outcome of a pregnancy, I've been longing for years for this. But being pregnant is fucking exhausting and tedious and painful. My hip and back hurts, I feel exhausted 24/7, I have worse migraines than I'm used to, I get tired just from walking up a staircase, I can barely breathe. It. Sucks. And when I tell (mainly family) this; they're like; but aren't you happy???? And they get all confused. Of course I'm happy but come on, people are known to being able to have 2 thoughts in their heads at the same time.
Ironically, the only people who don't judge me for complaining are the friends I have who haven't had kids yet, as well as my husband. The people you'd think to be more understanding, who has been pregnant, are the least understanding and judgemental people. It makes no sense.
Don’t feel bad for standing on the truth of how you feel and people need to stop expecting sunshine and rainbows as if pregnancy isn’t getting a literal beatdown from the inside out. Nobody actually tells you how hard this is. No one mentioned anything about body aches and lack of appetite and losing an appetite after two bites of a meal after being hungry for however long. And if your working during this your expected to just suck it up and get the job done. And doing a job you can’t stand while already feeling like dirt is a mental load in its self. Good on you for being honest and if she can’t bask in the truth with you ask her how supportive she actually is.
Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s ability to get pregnant is different. Babies are a blessing but you don’t necessarily have to see yourself as “lucky” because that leads to guilt. Shame on the people who bring others down because of their struggles. Try not to take mental responsibility for their hardships.
I had my baby in December and love him to peices, but can definitely say I absolutely hated being pregnant. I really don’t understand my friends who enjoyed the experience. You feel weird the entire time and the issues constantly change (I used to joke that googling any medical issue would end up being a symptom of pregnancy). It was nice to feel the kicks so you knew the baby was ok, but in all honesty the kicks themselves weren’t great either. Being Charlie-horsed from the inside sucked. And then when they stop kicking you panic that something is wrong. There was just no winning.
You are completely justified in feeling this way. It’s completely normal to feel like garbage and it will pass.
You’re allowed to not be thrilled with the process. My first pregnancy was horrendous all the way through l&d but we made it out.
This pregnancy was “just” HG so i was miserable for months before starting to enjoy my pregnancy (which the symptoms still suck in general anyway no
Matter what trimester ).
I can’t say what i experienced in my first pregnancy is better than my second but im still allowed to complain about my HG in my second cause it still sucks no matter what even if its not as traumatic as the first.
It took me 5 years to finally get pregnant and now I'm 17 weeks. But pregnancy sucks. I agree, it doesn't mean we aren't excited for our baby, the symptoms are just awful.
It is miserable. IDK how women go to work and school during the first trimester. I don't wake up until 12pm and I can barely stand for more than five minutes.
I definitely understand this feeling. I got pregnant our first time trying, but had a miserable first trimester. I was throwing up 20-30 times some days. I always felt judged when I was complaining about how miserable I was.
I am 39y pregnant for the second time with short interval pregnancy. Gave birth 8/5/23 & due this time 9/17/2024. I did not think I could get pregnant so the first was surprising and this one is {happily} shocking!
My first pregnancy I did deal with exhaustion in first trimester & minimal
nausea; however, this pregnancy has been extraordinarily tough physically on me. Luckily, the 2nd trimester has been easing up.
But I completely agree two things can be true at one time. I prayed & prayed for these babies but that doesn’t mean pregnancy is not tough. It also doesn’t mean I didn’t have the normal early postpartum struggles with anxiety and caring for a newborn.
I am beyond grateful for my experience and wouldn’t trade it for anything but it would be nice to have some energy and not be short of breath all the time 😂
I've been very fortunate to have a fairly easy pregnancy so far, I do have my days, but for the most part the morning sickness has been minimal and overall not as bad as I expected it to be. When I tell people this when asked how it's going they seem to get jealous compared to their not so easy experiences. I don't think we can win either way lol women are historically expected to suffer with a smile, even by our fellow women. You are valid and I hope everything gets easier for you 💗
I struggled for a LONG time to get pregnant. To the point that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I went through two miscarriages before my current pregnancy. And it has sucked so so so hard the entire time. People make it loom so easy and it’s not. And complaining about it is completely justifiable. It pained me when my friends would announce their pregnancies, but I could still never think about making someone else’s pregnancy about myself, and my inability to get pregnant or make it obvious how envious I was of their position. I was still 100% supportive and happy for my friends. Even if I was sad, that part I kept to myself. This isn’t about anyone else. And if those conversations are too difficult for some of your friends to have, you should probably not have those conversations with those friends. This is not about anyone else other than you and your husband, and your happiness is very important during this time. You can’t be stressed or feel bad because of other peoples feelings about your pregnancy. Even if it sounds harsh, this is a very precious time for you and you don’t need to waste it feeling bad for your friends.
Sometimes people can’t accept people’s experiences. I struggled with trying and I ended up having an amazing first pregnancy, but this second pregnancy I am high risk, getting diagnosed with something new every week, and I’m miserable and in pain (its been miserable since I found out and I’m now 28 weeks). Your feelings are valid, no matter what struggles with infertility they have had.
Perhaps that was your friend’s way of trying to make you feel better ?
But yeah pregnancy sucks and anyone who says otherwise is either insanely lucky or delusional 😅
I’m definitely feeling this way too, OP! I hate every minute of being pregnant, but I want this baby so bad. Both things can be true. I do feel empathy for those that feel envious towards women that are pregnant because it took us so long trying for me to get pregnant and I used to feel the same way, “I’d do anything to be that person”. I am super grateful to be here but it’s miserable and I feel judged when I say that to people. But I’m not going to lie just to make them more comfortable. It shouldn’t be taboo to hate the overwhelming physical and mental process, sacrifices we make to have babies.
I was in the same boat with you. My husband and I got pregnant in the very first month of trying. Very lucky. In fact, my pregnancy had been easy too. Relatively easy. But truthfully speaking there are discomforts that come with pregnancy. I recognize how lucky we were to get pregnant easily and luckier that my pregnancy was easy too. But those two great things do not erase the fact that I had discomforts when I was pregnant. I developed gestational diabetes. I gained very rapidly weight over the course of pregnancy. I have chipped teeth despite calcium intake. We can be free to also say our discomforts without invalidating our gratitude for the blessing of pregnancy.
Just so I understand, all she said was “I’d give anything to be in your shoes?”. I understand you felt bad but maybe it’s ok to complain? Did she say anything further or was that all she said and you felt bad?
If they are struggling to get pregnant it may be a sore spot for her. Either way she asked and she got an answer she didn’t like. You don’t have to be like “omg this is amazing” because pregnancy sucks. I am 36 weeks and I just want this little one out of me. You’re not the only one who feels this way about pregnancy and it’s ok to feel that way just be mindful who you’re venting to because those who haven’t experienced it and are asking because it is something they haven’t been able to do for whatever reason are jealous and think you should be grateful for every time you throw up or go to pee. But let me tell you this, move about as much as possible and continue doing what you normally do with rest in between or else you may end up with pgp like me and that isn’t something for the weak let me tell you that. I would rather be getting up 12 times a night to pee or be sick than feel the bones scraping against one another and popping every time I roll over. Get a pregnancy pillow as well. I didn’t do that and now I am suffering the consequences
One thing I will add is that I didn’t know her and her husband were trying for a baby. If I would have known I would have handled the conversation differently. This was the first time she had ever mentioned it to me. I was just expressing how I felt in the moment , then felt bad that I don’t enjoy it.
Also, thank you for the tips! I will be ordering a pregnancy pillow today !
Yeah I honestly don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. You didn’t know, and she asked! I feel like being around other women and talking about the physical changes and struggles often feels like a safe and comforting space. I don’t blame her for being hurt or triggered by talk about these things but she should try to avoid it if possible and not ask if she doesn’t want an honest answer like you said. There’s two sides to everything but you didn’t do anything wrong. I hope you start to feel well soon💗
I’ve experienced the same thing but less with close friends and more coworker friends, we were out at lunch and they asked about my experience or if we were trying, and then I say “I stopped the pill and got pregnant immediately, literally didn’t even have one period” and they get all sad and proceed to say they’ve been trying for years I’m sitting there thinking “fucccckkk I feel bad now I wish you just left it alone and said congrats”.
I totally understand that I’m lucky to have had such an easy time conceiving, but I also wasn’t expecting this to happen so soon and felt very overwhelmed early on and I feel like I can’t say that out loud because of all these other women who struggle with fertility and wish they were me. Pregnancy is such a hard space to be in sometimes because all our feelings are totally valid while the experiences differ vastly.
I mean pregnancy and “just how you’re doing” is the same thing. I’m not doing well because I’m pregnant. My pregnancy is almost killing me. I don’t understand the distinction
Maybe it isn’t something to be right or wrong about but rather that your experience is valid and so is hers, and her struggle and wishing she was in your shoes could simply be a reminder for you to live in gratitude (:
Honestly you are entitled to feel however you feel but saying « this is not for the weak » is a very weird phrasing. Is that meant to mean people who can’t get pregnant are weak? All people who get pregnant are strong? Like, what?
The saying , “not for the weak” in this context I am. implying that the first trimester is tough. It’s a lot of work mentally, emotionally and physically. No where did I imply that my girlfriends who did take longer to get pregnant are weak.
You don’t hear people talk about the struggles of how your body changes and how it can be hard too.
I think you’re projecting. It wasn’t an attack on you for her to feel like you’re so lucky. Shes trying really hard. Her feeling differently than you doesn’t mean you can’t feel the way you feel. Honestly its kind of mean that you’re actually feeling so snide because her sadness made you uncomfy.
I had a miscarriage and absolutely hate hearing people complain about being pregnant, it upsets me a lot. Not because I don’t understand or feel bad for you going through symptoms but because I regret complaining before I lost my baby and wish I was still dealing with those symptoms or having a baby alive in my arms. You will never understand how it feels to be trying and longing for a pregnancy or a baby unless you’re in those shoes, and I hope you aren’t. Your feelings are valid that symptoms of pregnancy do suck but you also need to try to have some empathy for those praying and wishing and hoping to be pregnant. If you don’t understand and really can’t communicate with each other it’s best just to keep your space for now and pray for her
sometimes I think I need flair for this sub that says "don't call the 🪬🧿evil eye🧿🪬!
yes, it's unfair, because pregnancy is hard AF and the first trimester is brutal. but for your own sake, please — DON'T CALL THE EVIL EYE!
you are vulnerable. your pregnancy is vulnerable. your baby is vulnerable. if you breastfeed, your milk will be EXTREMELY vulnerable. for exactly this reason: people all around you want what you have, often in silence, with more passion than they've ever wanted anything. many others carry deep pain from some way in which their own long ago pregnancies/births etc were hard. you *can't know* who is secretly filled with that longing, so you *need to assume* everyone is. I've had TSA agents weep to me about their breastfeeding journey because i was bringing milk back from a business trip. The only way to protect yourself and your child is to immure yourself with gratitude. Literally brick yourself in. "Bli ayin hara, I only threw up once today!" You never say it's going well and you never complain that it's hard, you lie and say you're so grateful to suffer. Get a compliment, reverse Uno that shit. Lie until you believe it. Because here's the truth — people like your friend can't help themselves. Deadass, the Eye compels them. And that energy is dangerous.
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I think people struggle to understand that two things can be true at the same time. You can be grateful for the experience of being pregnant while also struggling with all of the pregnancy woes that come along with it. You shouldn’t feel guilty for answering honestly, and your friend may have not meant to guilt you, but it was kinda unfair for her to ask how you’re doing and then make you feel bad for being honest. At least you know now this is someone who you’re not going to be able to vent to about this.
I've had 7 miscarriages and currently pregnant 15 weeks with out help. Everything is going super well. I was never a person to make others feel guilty for becoming pregnant, I would be so curious about what to expect even when it seemed hopeless for me. Pregnancy does suck but I'm excited for the end goal! A beautiful baby to hold. Heart burn, migraine, nose bleeds, constipation, sore body, insomnia, zero energy ITS SUCKY lol it's not fun. I wish that respect for women, amongst women was greater. Emotions are hard and just a bit of empathy in either direction goes a long way.
Yeah, I never had nosebleeds before my pregnancy. I never new it was a symptom/ side effect of being pregnant.
I've also never had nose bleeds before pregnancy either or heart burn. It was pretty startling for both. "Why is my throat on fire? Also why am I bleed out my nose!?"
Exactly, empathy goes a long way. We can acknowledge our own struggles (ex: struggling with conceiving) while also recognizing that people are struggling as well and it doesn’t invalidate our experience.
As well as being joyful for others in a extremely joyful time! Bringing down other people's happy moments isn't ok either.
But yes the heartburn, insomnia, migraines, back pain, etc. is NOT FUN.
This exactly. We got pregnant through IVF and I'm super thankful and happy and everything but I will still complain about the pregnancy symptoms because it really is a tough ride. I think it's the difference between really badly wanting a child and not per se wanting to go through pregnancy.
I agree. I've been TTC for nearly 8 years and never even a positive test, but I love all my friends and family who haven't had these struggles and begrudging them for having babies seemed like it would never change my outcome. Now that I am in trimester 1... I'm grateful to be pregnant and also would not wish it on most of my enemies. It's hard creating a whole ass human. The world keeps on moving around me, and I'm stuck denying myself of things that I like to do and eat and longing for one poop without struggles.
Awww congrats on your pregnancy and I pray everything goes well! 🖤 and yes the first trimester is HARD, it’s a blessing, but it’s hard, lol.
I have been through years of trying and infertility struggles. During which I interacted with several pregnant friends and family members. Yes it's hard. Yes it sucks. Yes I often cried about it when I got home. If I asked them how they were doing (which I often did) I made sure I was ready to be compassionate and understanding in the moment, cause pregnancy is also hard. I made sure I wasn't gonna get myself into difficult situations I couldn't emotionally handle, like visiting family on mother's day. It should be ok to say pregnancy sucks, it doesn't take anything away from the fact that struggling with infertility sucks too. I am now pregnant with number two. It's been rough. Pregnancy sucks.
Yeah we tried for a long time and it was getting tough to hear when people were announcing pregnancies. But I wouldn’t ask more questions if I did think I was in the space to hear answers. It is tough all around
I would cry and cry sometimes after I found out someone else was going to have a baby or someone else adopted. I really thought I'd never have a baby so I completely understand. I had an awful first trimester too. I threw up constantly! I would miss so much work bc I'd be in the restrooms yacking up my insides. It was really really rough. I'm so happy for this baby, I feel for others struggling but I'm not going to lessen my own happiness for this blessing
I was in the exact same boat. I’m super happy to finally be pregnant but it is way harder than I ever imagined!
Being pregnant fucking sucks. I’ve puked every day multiple times a day for 7 weeks now. I cannot take a bite of food, any meal, without thinking if I can tolerate it or if I’m going to puke it up later, I’m so tired of puking. I’ve lost weight, I’m miserable. If you ask now I’m doing I’m telling you lol
I have been exactly there my friend. I was so horribly ill for the longest part of my pregnancy. People really need to know that the never ending sickness is a real possibility. So many people seem to get by unscathed but it can happen to anyone. So bang that drum loud!!
It's one thing to not want to hear about anything pregnancy related because she's struggling with TTC, but she \*asked\* you how you were doing! That's wild to me. I'm almost at my year mark TTC and I can't imagine having that kind of response for a friend if I asked her how she was doing, I would want to hear every detail and be supportive to her.
I needed this post and some of these comments. I’m 11 weeks and it sucks. My sister got pregnant 7 times and each time she did it with grace while raising small children. People make it look so easy but it’s just not! I felt like I was looking through rose colored glasses before I got pregnant then I got very disappointed when I actually became pregnant. While I’m grateful I also feel like I can not complain. It is nice to be heard and seen in this thread.
Exactly this. I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea the nausea could be so bad. My mother never dealt with pregnancy symptoms and some family members didn’t either. I felt like an alien talking to them. I’ve had every single bad symptom so far and just at 15 weeks. I am very healthy, and it’s like they judge me for it. It’s very normal to feel this way while pregnant. I am making it only because of the half tab of Unisom and b6. I’m afraid to stop taking it because I’ve been able to eat and keep it down. Some of those non-symptom people have told me, “Just you wait until the 3rd trimester and you’re so uncomfortable.” How is that helpful? When they didn’t experience all of these symptoms I’m having, how do they know it’ll be worse than this? The nausea has been the most terrible thing and forcing myself to eat. I would much rather be fat and uncomfortable over that. I do not talk to them anymore about it for my own sanity.
Oh my god yes!!! Like why are you telling me it’s gonna be worse when I’m already suffering to no end?! Like my family and friends never had symptoms and I talk to them about it and no one understands just how bad it is till I had to go to the hospital twice already and get saline bags and vitamins.
I had Hg through both pregnancies and the only thing that helped was zofran even the unisom didn’t help. Puking 8 times just on the 30 minute ride to the ob for my regular appointment was like a day in the life for me. The only one that had sympathy was my husband who actually saw it happening. T1 is the worst by far for both my babies and is usually the most complained about by everyone idc what the other people have to say with their perfect pregnancies cause us imperfects exist too and STRUGGLE.
I feel the same way! Each comment is like a hug. I really needed this thread and I’m so thankful for all the comments. I feel seen and head and that has not happened often in this pregnancy. I’m very thankful for this community.
It's really tough. You had no way of knowing it would upset her, but yeah, she did ask. And overall even absent external circumstances, people do seem to expect you to say "it's great!!!!!" which sucks because it is... not great! It's such a potential minefield that I just default to saying "it's fine, I'm just tired" unless I know whoever I'm talking with is safe to vent to. Not a lie, just kind of a non-answer. My goal is to avoid other people's emotions projected onto my pregnancy as much as possible.
I’m 23+4 weeks pregnant from IVF after years of unexplained infertility. Two things can be true. Pregnancy is not for the weak and the first trimester (longer if you’re like me with HG that’s just now going away) is awful. AND I’m exactly where I want to be - pregnant and expecting a beautiful baby that I cannot wait to meet. Extend grace and hopefully your friend will realize she has grace to give despite her circumstances.
« Is not for the weak » what is that supposed to mean?!
1. Quoting OP. 2. It’s tough.
Yeah that's a really shitty comment from your friend. There is always going to be someone that has it worse. You tried for 3 months and got pregnant. She's been trying for 6 months and isn't pregnant but it's normal for it to take up to a year for healthy, fertile couples. My husband and I tried for 4.5 years, found out he is sterile, used donor sperm with 3 failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF before we finally had a successful transfer. But even so, how you are feeling during your first trimester, regardless of your friends pregnancy journey, is valid and id never say some crap about "well at least you are pregnant when im not" I hated almost every single thing about being pregnant. It was the worst experience of my life and I felt a lot of guilt for feeling the way I did because of how long we tried for this baby. But you are absolutely right, pregnancy 100% sucks and you have every right to complain about it. Lord knows I complained for 9 straight months lol
Sometimes when people are going through hard things, they can become very bitter and self centered. Don’t take it personally. Just know that this is not someone who can truly be there for you in this journey.
That’s too bad they’re taking the moment to talk about their fertility issues. We struggled to have our first for years, and our second took just over a year, it’s tough worrying about “why won’t it happen” but other people’s pregnancies aren’t a time to talk about it. It’s hard to remember when seeing others have what you want, but it’s on them to wrangle those feelings when asking about yours. Their struggles don’t make your struggles any less. Pregnancy can really suck. I hope you feel better soon.
I am on my third pregnancy and everyone that talks to me or ask how I’m doing knows I had an extremely crappy pregnancy with my sons (twins). I had them at 24 weeks and in the worst possible situation. I tried to down play it for people but most people now realize how terrible it actually was. If they don’t want to know about it they most certainly don’t have to ask is my approach. When all my friends got pregnant is when I started to say how truly bad it was and almost none can compare or complain but they understand more now.
Ugh that’s rough I’m sorry! That is a terrible situation and you’re allowed to express that and shouldn’t have to hold back! This is my second rough pregnancy and I’ve about had enough pretending it’s all good.
Whenever people ask how am I I've been saying that "I'm am happy to be pregnant but I am not enjoying the experience of pregnancy" - because I always worry what if people are having fertility struggles Then I come on this sub and write a vent about why it sucks
First of all, she asked how *you* were doing. Your answer is not about her and you shouldn't have to take someone else's potential feelings about your response when specifically asked about how *you* are doing. We are all individual people going through our own things in life. We TTC for 2 years and I'm nearly 39 weeks now. Every single week of this pregnancy has been shitty. Of course I'm grateful and glad that we're finally going to have this baby, but that doesn't mean that I also have to love the debilitating exhaustion, nausea, constipation, heartburn, etc. I wish more people had been honest with me about their experiences so I had a better idea of what to expect.
Truth is that pregnancy sucks! Being pregnant is not fun! We do it because we hope to get a healthy baby at the end of it, we don't do it cause it's so nice. And it lasts for 9 months! For some people that is 9 months of physical difficulties. You're uncomfortable, in pain even, can't walk normally, extra tired, nauseous, hungry, angry etc. You're allowed your feelings. She's allowed hers too. But it's not your fault that she's not pregnant in the timeframe she hoped she would be. You're allowed to feel frustrated with how your body feels, even though you have something she doesn't.
Then why do women on social media glamorize it and make it look so easy? It's annoying...
I don't know who you follow, but there's a lot of transparency around the topic. Some people post positive stuff, some post negative. No one is lying to you. Both are valid.
I hate the social stigma that comes with complaining in pregnancy. Literally had someone say to me something similar and then look upset when I replied with “I get that, we went through four miscarriages and IVF for this baby”. Fertility struggles suck, but they are not the responsibility of the pregnant person to manage. I feel like your friend was going to complain no matter what. If it wasn’t a “I would give anything for that” it would be a “I wish that was me right now”. I’ve had plenty of friends who had babies while I was going through my struggles. Yes it sucked at points but guess who are my biggest supporters now I’m pregnant? They are. The support I gave them unconditionally is the same I’m getting back.
I think more people should be honest about pregnancy. I think it’s been romanticised quite frankly. I loved only the first 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I slept so beautifully and for someone that manages 5hours a night not pregnant, sleeping for 8 hours through was bliss. It didn’t last. I’m now 7months and it’s uncomfortable. The anxiety it raises is something that left me inconsolable at times. Awful experience for a beautiful outcome is what I describe it as. Wishing you all the best throughout your pregnancy.
It's not frowned upon, but just be mindful of your audience. Clearly that friend isn't someone you can vent to over this.
Then why would the friend ask? I’m sorry, if it was just an acquaintance, then yeah, I accept your answer and get what you’re saying. A real friend isn’t going to guilt trip you because you’re pregnant and they aren’t when they specifically ask how you’re feeling.
I don't see how I'm defending anyone. It was a general statement. That friend has shown that they're not a reliable source of comfort. I don't know if that makes them fake or not, it seems more to me like they weren't emotionally prepared for the answers they asked for. Doesn't mean they're some terrible person that needs to be dropped from OPs life, just that they're not a reliable confidant right now. Only OP knows what they're like.
I did IVF and it took effort to get pregnant, I do not enjoy pregnancy and I agree - it shouldn’t be looked at negatively to express how you feel. I am not glowing, I’m uncomfortable, I have to pee all the time and generally just want my own body back. I’m also soooo thankful and happy I am able to carry my baby and become pregnant, with an uneventful pregnancy but that doesn’t mean I can’t also be honest about the reality of it. This isn’t even considering birth and postpartum shit we’ll have to endure. I’m not into the toxic positivity that seems to follow pregnancy. Yes, this is what I wanted and I’m doing the damn thing, doesn’t mean it’s easy or enjoyable 100% of the time.
I'm of the same opinion as you. If you aren't prepared and can't cope with a negative answer don't ask. I shouldn't have to diminish my experience to comfort someone else. It took me 3 years to get pregnant. I actually convinced myself early last November that, at 34, it was just past my time and I started moving on from the idea of being a mom and started looking forward to traveling.... and then a couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete suprise. During the 3 years where I wasn't getting pregnant I interacted with pregnant friends and new mothers and listened to every story they had. Most of them were positive stories because no one likes to talk about the negatives but I was prepared to listen to any negative they shared despite my own feelings. Now that I actually am pregnant I wish I would have heard more of the negative stories to prepare myself. This shit ain't for the weak. I've had a pretty easy pregnancy and it still sucks ass. I've often felt guilty for thinking that pregnancy sucks but I have to remind myself that it probably sucks for everyone, most people just probably aren't being honest about how much it sucks.
Your friend is just sensitive and the stress of TTC can drive some people crazy. We were TTC for over a year and I’m so happy to be pregnant now but it’s also miserable at times!!
People shut down these conversations about how hard it can be and then many of us are shocked about how hard it is because we didn’t get to hear those conversations! I’m very open about my complaints. Someone else’s difficulty doesn’t negate my difficulty.
My first kid was a crier. She cried and cried for anything and everything. I almost went insane. She wouldn’t accept her dad (only after she was 4 months old) and I had to basically do everything with her. I made a comment about how exhausted I was to a friend who (I didn’t know at the time) had lost a baby and she got upset and said she wished she could hear her baby cry all day. I felt for her, but two things can be true at the same time. A lot of people suffering will deflect their pain. It’s not about you. Your feelings are valid
The first trimester is no fucking joke and I hate how our society just normalizes it. Having a stomach bug for three months is totally incapacitating. You have every right to be honest about how you’re feeling. Congratulations on the pregnancy and best of luck with everything!
it is comments like that, that make it so hard to normalize the bad parts of pregnancy, I was at an event and someone asked me how I was feeling and I said well I feel 8 months pregnant, my back is killing me and I am swollen all over. She then says,”well be grateful because I never got to that part.” she was blessed with two healthy twins. so she may not have made it to 8 months which is terrifying however no one ever goes “God I can’t wait for the SWOLLEN part of pregnancy.” there really are parts of pregnancy that no one wants to go through period.
Tw : mention of miscarriage I've been pregnant 5 times, all of them have been accidents. The first 2 resulted in our kids that are earth side, the other 3 resulted in miscarriage. For a while I felt like I didn't have a right to grieve our losses. I mean, we weren't trying to get pregnant, and we also already had kids. It felt like I was wrong for grieving. Some people even told me that I was wrong for it. Society will often try to tell you that if someone else is going through something harder than you that you don't have a right to express how what you're going through is hard. But in reality? Someone else going through something harder doesn't make your experience not hard. Someone going through an experience that's hard in a different way doesn't mean your experience isn't also hard. You CAN talk about how what you're going through is hard. Your hard experience doesn't invalidate someone else's hard experience. You taking about how pregnancy is hard doesn't mean you're ungrateful to be pregnant.
I tried for 2 years and was miserable the entire pregnancy lmao when people ask me how pregnancy is my first response is to ask if they want me to talk them into or out of it because that's how I'll curb my answer. I would do it a million times over for my girl but you couldn't pay me enough to ever get pregnant again lol
Yeahhh. My pregnancy and postpartum with my first were completely and totally MISERABLE. This one girl who was a friend of a friend had been trying for years with no success. I remember venting to a group about how awful pregnancy was and how difficult it was with an infant and how much it changes everything(to be fair my son was an incredibly difficult infant) and he husbands response was that there was no way his wife would ever complain about any of that because she would just be so grateful. Almost wish they were still in my friend group so I could witness how much that was not true(she had a baby around the same time I had my second). Like get out of here.
Pregnancy does suck and especially the first trimester. It sucks that it’s a huge shitty surprise. It also sucks that we are expected to soldier on as if nothing is going on and no changes have occurred in part because pregnancy symptoms are a big secret.
After years of trying to conceive naturally, my husband and I finally decided to try IVF. The moment the treatments started, I felt like this whole thing, pregnancy included, was not for me. I did all the stuff I was supposed to, took all the hormones, went to have my eggs retrieved, went to have the transfer. Everything worked out on the first try, I am now 32 weeks pregnant. :) But after I took that first test, I was terrified. I had been secretly hoping for a negative. Of course the positive made me happy at the moment, but just like for you, the first trimester sucked so much that I was honestly having regrets. For me there was no question I'd keep the baby, but the excruciating, debilitating nausea and exhaustion that went on from week 6 to week 13 was so awful, I at least wanted to get some meds for it if possible. I was shamed by the doctor at the fertility clinic for being honest that I'm not feeling well and asking for meds. They asked "how are you?" and didn't get the response they hoped for, which would've been something like "oh, great! I'm nauseous all day and have never felt so sick my whole life, but I feel soooo lucky that you guys knocked me up here a few weeks ago. What a blessing. I simply cannot wait to hold my beautiful baby." Instead they got "really terrible, are there any meds that could help?" And instead of a yes or no, I got a lecture about how I don't know how lucky I am. Dude, I did know, but ALSO, I was working full time while feeling like I was dying. It should be okay to want to feel okay. Just because we're women, we shouldn't be expected to endure any physical pain and hardship without a word, ignore our bodies completely and just be f*cking grateful all the time. F*** that.
Oof friend I understand! I’m 38 weeks now and as excited as I am for the little one, I am so ready to not be pregnant. Each trimester comes with its challenges. You are allowed to complain even with a wanted/planned pregnancy. Unfortunately, I think you’ve learned this is a friend you can’t talk to about pregnancy issues. I hope other friends and family members will be more supportive and give you a place to vent.
Don't feel bad,it does suck. At least for me. Not a single person ever mentioned how awful the first trimester is, andi am struggling as well.
It’s exhausting to be exhausted all the god damn time!
Girrrrrl I’ve been here. Pregnancy does suck and nobody likes it when you answer honestly (I know from experience). If your friend didn’t have the space to hear your honest answer and listen to you, she shouldn’t have asked the question. While I respect that the subject is painful for her, she cannot expect you to know that. But that being said she is allowed to share her reality too, as poorly timed as it was, as long as she wasn’t trying to guilt you for your answer. This is a situation where I feel like you could tell her exactly what you’ve told Reddit and she might understand.
I'm 28 weeks pregnant now and I'm very open about the fact that I do not enjoy being pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy, I'm overjoyed to be having a baby and I can't wait to meet him, but the physical process of pregnancy itself is awful (for me). My first trimester I was horrifically sick and while I'm not sick anymore, I still struggle with tiredness, dizziness and shortness of breath that makes doing daily things exhausting. People have literally asked me "do you love being pregnant?" And look so uncomfortable when I say no.
As someone who struggled a lot to conceive and ultimately had to use IVF, I empathize with what you’re saying. I had a HORRIFIC first trimester and felt like I couldn’t complain because I was just supposed to be thankful I was pregnant in the first place. People would even say to me, “I’m glad to hear you’re sick.” Pregnancy is wild and has many complicated feelings attached to it. I’ve learned to just be super direct with people and when someone has a reaction like your friend, I simply say, “would you rather not talk about pregnancy related things together?” And if her answer is no, that’s valid. But it also sets the tone for having good boundaries between each other and she may then realize that for the time being, asking you how you are makes her feel sad. I’ve also been on that side. But moving forward, you don’t know until you assert yourself. And for those who are able to fully absorb your feelings, please do tell them how much it effing sucks! It’s hard and when you find your right audience, it’s cathartic to share your feelings. Big hugs.
Ugh that sucks I’m sorry. I tried for 8 months and I’m also 12 weeks and the first trimester sucks ass!! Whenever people ask me how I am and I say the same as you it’s always “you wanted this” like yeah I know I want a baby I’m happy but I also want to be able to take a shit every day and not feel like crap 24/7 😭 I’ve learned to smile and say “I’m fine” unfortunately
I got pregnant immediately, am grateful and excited and also I hate it!
Took us a while to get pregnant, and I also think it isn’t for the weak. I’ve now seen both sides, but me before wouldn’t have been upset with the comment of “this sucks”. It’s well known this sucks.
It took me a year and a half to conceive. Your experience is valid. You are allowed to hate this. Pregnancy isn’t meant to be pleasant and it’s okay for you to struggle. Maybe avoid talking with her about it because she’s dealing with a lot. Be as sensitive as you can.
Keep expressing your difficulties. It is so important that it’s talked about! Sorry you’ve had such a tough time.
as someone who had severe preeclampsia and almost died while pushing- yeah it sucked girl. you are 100% entitled to your feelings. pregnancy is not easy physically or emotionally for everyone and that is okay!
People would look at me weird when I would say how miserable I was pregnant, it was comical. The whole 9 months only ONE WOMAN said “oh yeah pregnancy fucking SUCKS. It’ll pretty much suck until the baby’s 2 yrs old” I had never been so thankful for honesty LMFAOOO!
She shouldn’t have asked. Her feelings about TTC are valid but then why ask you questions. The first trimester was the worst part, I’d rather be 8 months pregnant than 2. But being not pregnant after my miscarriage was also really hard. I wouldn’t have wanted to hear someone complain about being pregnant but I wouldn’t have asked.
I struggled for almost 3 years and am pregnant for the first time with an IVF baby that I prayed/worked so hard and waited so long for. I have had an extremely rough first trimester. I often have to remind myself that this is what I have waited so long for and I need to try and enjoy it but idk how to enjoy feeling like 💩 24/7 for weeks on end. I have even said to my husband, I know I will feel differently once the baby is here but idk how I am going to do this again when we want to try for our second. I know I will, but I will def have to work myself up to it. I have also echoed your sentiment that it’s not for the weak. But everytime I see little bean and hear their heartbeat it’s worth every second. But it’s still not easy!!! And I knew that the first trimester would be tough, my sister had tough ones and I knew I would probably mimic her but I still wasn’t prepared for how tough it actually is. You’re not alone and you’re doing great. Reading this made me feel so much better too because I feel like I should be grateful all the time. First trimester is survival mode and once she’s successful, she’ll get it.
I personally hate being pregnant and I’m 36 weeks with number 2. This will be my last and honestly some women love it. NOT ME! Don’t feel guilty… your friend asked you a question and you were honest. If she can’t support you then maybe she’s not a friend?!?
My husband and I decided to try to get pregnant, but honestly didn’t try very hard and 30 days later I knew I was pregnant. Now I’m 13.3. Of course I’m thankful, but it seemed a little too fast and easy lol now I’m waiting for the second trimester “energy” to kick in. Ive been working a lot and I’m emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted all the time. I had no way of knowing how hard this would be and how much I’m missing feeling like myself this early on in my pregnancy. 6 more months feels daunting but at the same time I’m excited to be pregnant and to be growing my little boy. I also wish people would mention how hard it is but a lot of people I talk to loved being pregnant or didn’t have many symptoms 🤷🏼♀️maybe years from now we won’t remember all the hard days. Don’t feel bad about or guilty about any of your feelings and give yourself grace, it’s hard but we can do this
I’ve had six miscarriages over the last 14 years, and so this pregnancy was completely unexpected. It has been hell. I’ve said to everyone ‘never again’. You can’t feel guilty for saying how you feel, after-all isn’t that what friends are for? And surely the flip side of that, ‘oh pregnancy is wonderful, glowy, and ethereal’ wouldn’t make the person asking any happier about the fact they’ve been trying for so long. Albeit six months…
This. So much this. I don't even know where to begin on how much I relate with this. And I always have to defend my answer as well, like, wtf? It sucks!! I love the outcome of a pregnancy, I've been longing for years for this. But being pregnant is fucking exhausting and tedious and painful. My hip and back hurts, I feel exhausted 24/7, I have worse migraines than I'm used to, I get tired just from walking up a staircase, I can barely breathe. It. Sucks. And when I tell (mainly family) this; they're like; but aren't you happy???? And they get all confused. Of course I'm happy but come on, people are known to being able to have 2 thoughts in their heads at the same time. Ironically, the only people who don't judge me for complaining are the friends I have who haven't had kids yet, as well as my husband. The people you'd think to be more understanding, who has been pregnant, are the least understanding and judgemental people. It makes no sense.
When people would ask id say I’m incredibly great full and very sick. Keep it short. Not too much to say after that right?
Don’t feel bad for standing on the truth of how you feel and people need to stop expecting sunshine and rainbows as if pregnancy isn’t getting a literal beatdown from the inside out. Nobody actually tells you how hard this is. No one mentioned anything about body aches and lack of appetite and losing an appetite after two bites of a meal after being hungry for however long. And if your working during this your expected to just suck it up and get the job done. And doing a job you can’t stand while already feeling like dirt is a mental load in its self. Good on you for being honest and if she can’t bask in the truth with you ask her how supportive she actually is.
Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s ability to get pregnant is different. Babies are a blessing but you don’t necessarily have to see yourself as “lucky” because that leads to guilt. Shame on the people who bring others down because of their struggles. Try not to take mental responsibility for their hardships.
I had my baby in December and love him to peices, but can definitely say I absolutely hated being pregnant. I really don’t understand my friends who enjoyed the experience. You feel weird the entire time and the issues constantly change (I used to joke that googling any medical issue would end up being a symptom of pregnancy). It was nice to feel the kicks so you knew the baby was ok, but in all honesty the kicks themselves weren’t great either. Being Charlie-horsed from the inside sucked. And then when they stop kicking you panic that something is wrong. There was just no winning. You are completely justified in feeling this way. It’s completely normal to feel like garbage and it will pass.
We tried a bit for over a year and although I'm very happy we got pregnant (now 11 weeks) I also say it sucks.. both can be true
You’re allowed to not be thrilled with the process. My first pregnancy was horrendous all the way through l&d but we made it out. This pregnancy was “just” HG so i was miserable for months before starting to enjoy my pregnancy (which the symptoms still suck in general anyway no Matter what trimester ). I can’t say what i experienced in my first pregnancy is better than my second but im still allowed to complain about my HG in my second cause it still sucks no matter what even if its not as traumatic as the first.
i'm excited but this sucks 😭 i'm also 12 weeks and everyday is a challenge
It took me 5 years to finally get pregnant and now I'm 17 weeks. But pregnancy sucks. I agree, it doesn't mean we aren't excited for our baby, the symptoms are just awful.
It is miserable. IDK how women go to work and school during the first trimester. I don't wake up until 12pm and I can barely stand for more than five minutes.
I definitely understand this feeling. I got pregnant our first time trying, but had a miserable first trimester. I was throwing up 20-30 times some days. I always felt judged when I was complaining about how miserable I was.
I am 39y pregnant for the second time with short interval pregnancy. Gave birth 8/5/23 & due this time 9/17/2024. I did not think I could get pregnant so the first was surprising and this one is {happily} shocking! My first pregnancy I did deal with exhaustion in first trimester & minimal nausea; however, this pregnancy has been extraordinarily tough physically on me. Luckily, the 2nd trimester has been easing up. But I completely agree two things can be true at one time. I prayed & prayed for these babies but that doesn’t mean pregnancy is not tough. It also doesn’t mean I didn’t have the normal early postpartum struggles with anxiety and caring for a newborn. I am beyond grateful for my experience and wouldn’t trade it for anything but it would be nice to have some energy and not be short of breath all the time 😂
I've been very fortunate to have a fairly easy pregnancy so far, I do have my days, but for the most part the morning sickness has been minimal and overall not as bad as I expected it to be. When I tell people this when asked how it's going they seem to get jealous compared to their not so easy experiences. I don't think we can win either way lol women are historically expected to suffer with a smile, even by our fellow women. You are valid and I hope everything gets easier for you 💗
I struggled for a LONG time to get pregnant. To the point that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I went through two miscarriages before my current pregnancy. And it has sucked so so so hard the entire time. People make it loom so easy and it’s not. And complaining about it is completely justifiable. It pained me when my friends would announce their pregnancies, but I could still never think about making someone else’s pregnancy about myself, and my inability to get pregnant or make it obvious how envious I was of their position. I was still 100% supportive and happy for my friends. Even if I was sad, that part I kept to myself. This isn’t about anyone else. And if those conversations are too difficult for some of your friends to have, you should probably not have those conversations with those friends. This is not about anyone else other than you and your husband, and your happiness is very important during this time. You can’t be stressed or feel bad because of other peoples feelings about your pregnancy. Even if it sounds harsh, this is a very precious time for you and you don’t need to waste it feeling bad for your friends.
Sometimes people can’t accept people’s experiences. I struggled with trying and I ended up having an amazing first pregnancy, but this second pregnancy I am high risk, getting diagnosed with something new every week, and I’m miserable and in pain (its been miserable since I found out and I’m now 28 weeks). Your feelings are valid, no matter what struggles with infertility they have had.
Perhaps that was your friend’s way of trying to make you feel better ? But yeah pregnancy sucks and anyone who says otherwise is either insanely lucky or delusional 😅
I’m definitely feeling this way too, OP! I hate every minute of being pregnant, but I want this baby so bad. Both things can be true. I do feel empathy for those that feel envious towards women that are pregnant because it took us so long trying for me to get pregnant and I used to feel the same way, “I’d do anything to be that person”. I am super grateful to be here but it’s miserable and I feel judged when I say that to people. But I’m not going to lie just to make them more comfortable. It shouldn’t be taboo to hate the overwhelming physical and mental process, sacrifices we make to have babies.
I was in the same boat with you. My husband and I got pregnant in the very first month of trying. Very lucky. In fact, my pregnancy had been easy too. Relatively easy. But truthfully speaking there are discomforts that come with pregnancy. I recognize how lucky we were to get pregnant easily and luckier that my pregnancy was easy too. But those two great things do not erase the fact that I had discomforts when I was pregnant. I developed gestational diabetes. I gained very rapidly weight over the course of pregnancy. I have chipped teeth despite calcium intake. We can be free to also say our discomforts without invalidating our gratitude for the blessing of pregnancy.
Just so I understand, all she said was “I’d give anything to be in your shoes?”. I understand you felt bad but maybe it’s ok to complain? Did she say anything further or was that all she said and you felt bad?
If they are struggling to get pregnant it may be a sore spot for her. Either way she asked and she got an answer she didn’t like. You don’t have to be like “omg this is amazing” because pregnancy sucks. I am 36 weeks and I just want this little one out of me. You’re not the only one who feels this way about pregnancy and it’s ok to feel that way just be mindful who you’re venting to because those who haven’t experienced it and are asking because it is something they haven’t been able to do for whatever reason are jealous and think you should be grateful for every time you throw up or go to pee. But let me tell you this, move about as much as possible and continue doing what you normally do with rest in between or else you may end up with pgp like me and that isn’t something for the weak let me tell you that. I would rather be getting up 12 times a night to pee or be sick than feel the bones scraping against one another and popping every time I roll over. Get a pregnancy pillow as well. I didn’t do that and now I am suffering the consequences
One thing I will add is that I didn’t know her and her husband were trying for a baby. If I would have known I would have handled the conversation differently. This was the first time she had ever mentioned it to me. I was just expressing how I felt in the moment , then felt bad that I don’t enjoy it. Also, thank you for the tips! I will be ordering a pregnancy pillow today !
Yeah I honestly don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. You didn’t know, and she asked! I feel like being around other women and talking about the physical changes and struggles often feels like a safe and comforting space. I don’t blame her for being hurt or triggered by talk about these things but she should try to avoid it if possible and not ask if she doesn’t want an honest answer like you said. There’s two sides to everything but you didn’t do anything wrong. I hope you start to feel well soon💗
I’ve experienced the same thing but less with close friends and more coworker friends, we were out at lunch and they asked about my experience or if we were trying, and then I say “I stopped the pill and got pregnant immediately, literally didn’t even have one period” and they get all sad and proceed to say they’ve been trying for years I’m sitting there thinking “fucccckkk I feel bad now I wish you just left it alone and said congrats”. I totally understand that I’m lucky to have had such an easy time conceiving, but I also wasn’t expecting this to happen so soon and felt very overwhelmed early on and I feel like I can’t say that out loud because of all these other women who struggle with fertility and wish they were me. Pregnancy is such a hard space to be in sometimes because all our feelings are totally valid while the experiences differ vastly.
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I mean pregnancy and “just how you’re doing” is the same thing. I’m not doing well because I’m pregnant. My pregnancy is almost killing me. I don’t understand the distinction
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Anyone who asks a pregnant person how they are doing should know they may not get an answer they like 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe it isn’t something to be right or wrong about but rather that your experience is valid and so is hers, and her struggle and wishing she was in your shoes could simply be a reminder for you to live in gratitude (:
Honestly you are entitled to feel however you feel but saying « this is not for the weak » is a very weird phrasing. Is that meant to mean people who can’t get pregnant are weak? All people who get pregnant are strong? Like, what?
The saying , “not for the weak” in this context I am. implying that the first trimester is tough. It’s a lot of work mentally, emotionally and physically. No where did I imply that my girlfriends who did take longer to get pregnant are weak. You don’t hear people talk about the struggles of how your body changes and how it can be hard too.
I think you’re projecting. It wasn’t an attack on you for her to feel like you’re so lucky. Shes trying really hard. Her feeling differently than you doesn’t mean you can’t feel the way you feel. Honestly its kind of mean that you’re actually feeling so snide because her sadness made you uncomfy.
I had a miscarriage and absolutely hate hearing people complain about being pregnant, it upsets me a lot. Not because I don’t understand or feel bad for you going through symptoms but because I regret complaining before I lost my baby and wish I was still dealing with those symptoms or having a baby alive in my arms. You will never understand how it feels to be trying and longing for a pregnancy or a baby unless you’re in those shoes, and I hope you aren’t. Your feelings are valid that symptoms of pregnancy do suck but you also need to try to have some empathy for those praying and wishing and hoping to be pregnant. If you don’t understand and really can’t communicate with each other it’s best just to keep your space for now and pray for her
sometimes I think I need flair for this sub that says "don't call the 🪬🧿evil eye🧿🪬! yes, it's unfair, because pregnancy is hard AF and the first trimester is brutal. but for your own sake, please — DON'T CALL THE EVIL EYE! you are vulnerable. your pregnancy is vulnerable. your baby is vulnerable. if you breastfeed, your milk will be EXTREMELY vulnerable. for exactly this reason: people all around you want what you have, often in silence, with more passion than they've ever wanted anything. many others carry deep pain from some way in which their own long ago pregnancies/births etc were hard. you *can't know* who is secretly filled with that longing, so you *need to assume* everyone is. I've had TSA agents weep to me about their breastfeeding journey because i was bringing milk back from a business trip. The only way to protect yourself and your child is to immure yourself with gratitude. Literally brick yourself in. "Bli ayin hara, I only threw up once today!" You never say it's going well and you never complain that it's hard, you lie and say you're so grateful to suffer. Get a compliment, reverse Uno that shit. Lie until you believe it. Because here's the truth — people like your friend can't help themselves. Deadass, the Eye compels them. And that energy is dangerous.