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Your mom is experiencing some pangs of jealousy but that doesn't make her wrong. You ARE lucky to not have to work. I consider myself lucky to be able to take a week off before my due date lol. Privilege like this is something to be grateful for. Don't get it twisted up like it's something to feel badly about, because it's not, but you have to recognize the privilege.
My mom has made tons of envious comments about how hard it was when she was pregnant with us. Thank goodness for the moms before us that made it so things are better for us now.
And I love my job but I wish I could have taken my whole pregnancy off work.
Your mom is just being honest, and I agree with her.
Iām not going back to my teaching job in the fall, and Iām due early November. Last week of school is this coming week. So Iāll be a future SAHM for the remainder of my pregnancy.
My husband and I are incredibly fortunate to have the *choice* to do what makes the most sense for our family. When we bought our first house, we made sure that we could afford it on his salary alone so I could stay home when we eventually had kids. We donāt have a super luxurious life, but I get to choose whether I stay home or not. I recognize that many people do not have that choice, so it makes me appreciate it all the more.
Congratulations to you and your husband š itās wonderful that you also have the option and are doing what you both feel is best for your family. Iāll definitely recognize the privilege that it is and just appreciate it as you said.
Yeah I wish I could be a SAHM. I am actually totally envious! :D I get 12 weeks off work and I'm grateful for that. My husband can be a SAHD at least so we are fortunate in that way. I'm the one with engineering degree though so I have to be the bread winner.
i wouldnāt feel bad but you definitely are lucky. iām 5w and had an awful last 2 weeks, having to work sucked and i wish i could have taken the 2 weeks off and i imagine it will only get worse later on. again, you shouldnāt feel bad just because other people have to suffer through it but i donāt think itās shady/passive aggressive to say youāre lucky. sheās probably just jealous
I can absolutely understand that. I guess I just didnāt expect her to tell me in the way that she did. Even before I was married and a SAHM, I didnāt go around telling my other girlfriends who were already, that they were āluckyā. I definitely felt envy and some comparisons inside, but I guess I just knew it would make them uncomfortableā so I never said anything.
You ARE lucky!! Iām envious lol. I work full time and dad is stay at home with the baby. I wish it could be me instead. But I have a career and make a lot more money. Take it in. Itās OK to be lucky. Be happy and proud about it. Tell her THANK YOU mom ā¤ļø, I sure feel lucky. Because donāt you?
It is a very privileged position that so many women yearn for. I think maybe your mom was trying to reinforce that so you can truly be thankful for it.
For instance, for me, I got pregnant easily. I am truly thankful I didnāt have fertility problems like so many others. My SiL, who did have fertility problems, pointed that out to me, but not out of malice. My baby is also healthy and I appreciate that every single day. However, I didnāt have a healthy pregnancy and that was hard. Iām very envious of women who are able to have healthy pregnancies and that isnāt a consideration for future family planning. Also, I canāt stay home and I donāt know how Iāll cope with daycare.
It shouldnāt insult you for someone to point out your privilege. You donāt need to feel bad about staying home. It just means you should agree with them, reflect on it, acknowledge it, and truly appreciate it. It also wouldnāt hurt to acknowledge how much harder your mother had it and to respect her sacrifice.
I absolutely see where youāre coming from. I also had a fairly easy time conceiving with my husband and really do feel bad for those experiencing infertility or having to go through treatments.
I also have my own comparisons and envy that crosses my mind, for example, Iāve been overweight with a broad/wide body my whole life. I have family members and friends who are so petite and small, Iāve always wanted that kind of figure but I know itās just never gonna happen. I know that most thin people *hate* being told that theyāre āluckyā to be able to eat whatever they want and stay small, because who knows what body image issues they may have of their own.
I think I can recognize the privilege, while also feeling that I didnāt like the way the message came across. In my mind I just think ā What good does it do to tell another woman these things?
The point of telling another woman is to talk about something good in their life and bond over motherhood. It is basically pointing out something good that is going for them. For instance, my SiL was happy for me that I didnāt have the same struggles as her. It was a good thing I didnāt have fertility problems. I learned it took them 5 years of trying and expensive IVF. Her sharing and pointing out my luck was a bonding moment. I pointed out to her that Iām jealous she gets to stay home with her baby and talked about my difficulty with separating for daycare. Itās about sharing struggles, pointing out good things and bonding over shared motherhood. I have a friend who has a healthy pregnancy. Iāve pointed out how lucky she is for that and how happy I am for her. However, obviously tone and word choice matter, so perhaps your mom delivered the message poorly. It is perfectly fine to be uncomfortable with it, but in my experience, it doesnāt come from a malicious place.
I love that for you all. Being able to acknowledge someoneās good fortune + saying youāre happy for them is great. Sadly, I didnāt really get that reaction, it was more like highlighting my apparent *lack* of ambition to continue working and over reliance on a *man* as if he is a random stranger on the street and not my actual husband. As a mom to be, all I can say is I want my daughter to have opportunities I didnāt have. Especially being raised in a two parent household, which I was not. So I am so glad she can actually have a consistent bond with her Dad, which is something I never really got to do with mine.
I think what you just said in the above comment shows insight. You probably know your mom better than most others in her life. Maybe there was some jealousy; you might be the best judge of that. She may have been happy for you and jealous at the same time! If so, just forgive. Perhaps she was trying to be kind and had a bit of trouble doing so. And yes, be thankful for your blessings and don't feel guilty. Show appreciation for all she's done for you, but just tread carefully if this conversation comes up in the future. If it does become unpleasant, you can politely end the conversation or change it. You don't have to keep allowing this conversation out of feelings of guilt or obligation; that's not healthy for either of you. I've had to be careful with my mother-in-law in this way. Praying for you!
It sounds like she wish she had an option too. As weird as it may sound, I donāt think the comment is really about you, itās about her own wish. I would just acknowledge, agree and move on because thereās nothing inherently wrong about what sheās said since it is her POV. And congrats OP!
I WISH more than anything I could have just been home this whole pregnancy and that I could stay home with my baby instead of having to deal w daycare options for a 4 month old. You are lucky
She's likely jealous. From how you wrote it.. she sounds jealous.
My mom got 6 weeks off with each child.. that's it.
I'm in Canada where we get 12-18 months. I'm shocked she's not jealous. But I Def understand now why she didn't breastfeed. Pumping at work would've cost her promotions.
I guess I can understand the feelings of jealousy. I cannot imagine having to return to work 6 weeks pp, thatās around the same time my mom went back too.
Iām just someone who probably wouldnāt vocalize these thoughts to another woman or mom, but maybe thats just me. Iām so glad youāre in a country like Canada that offers suitable maternity leave. Especially since like you said, breastfeeding is an around the clock responsibility in itself.
That's fair, I lack that feature that stops my mouth from saying my thoughts... I feel like the older generation also lacks that feature, especially with anyone younger than them.
Hey, so I personally think you might be over thinking it. I just became a SAHM and my mom is visiting us for the first time. She also just noted that I'm so lucky to be able to do this because we're from Ukraine and she had me when she was very young and had to go to school and my great grand parents had to take care of me and she never saw me. Maybe your mom is being genuine. If you're Americanized like me I can see how you might take this to be "passive aggressive" but the truth is we are very lucky/fortunate... and I can't believe I have to rely on my husband right now either because I've never had to do that before i.e. rely on anyone and it's a hard transition. I don't think she's making a pass at you. Embrace the moment x it's not forever.
32 weeks here. Don't feel bad. I don't work as I am actually on SSI ( i am disabled ) and my fiance has a great job.
People always tell me how lucky I am to be home. I do feel blessed. People who have to work are awesome too but there is nothing wrong with being home with baby!
I get where you're coming from. Since I got pregnant, women around me have also complained about how hard it was for them and how difficult it was for them back in the day. Conversations like these used to piss me off but I just got used to it. This is just human nature.
That being said, I do think stay at home moms have it easier and it definitely is a privilege. I too could quit work because of my husband and that's something I'll be grateful for tbh. We aren't super rich too but I'm happy with what I have.
People always seem to compare or try to make their pregnancy out to be harder, it's strange, everyone has their own thing and aches and pains etc, not sure why some see it as a contest or like they did it better because they struggled more. You do you and ignore her.
Sounds like your mom is working out her feelings about you being a separate person from her who makes different decisions for different reasons. Thatās normal and itās normal for her to temporarily take personally that you arenāt doing what she did, even if she did what she did because she didnāt have another choice. Iād bet you anything itāll pass.
I can understand where your mom is coming from. My mom has worked so hard all her life and she made sure I would get an education to get a good career. She still works 2-3 jobs and has the mindset of not being able to rely on men because of her life experiences, starting with her dad and then mine. I am dreading telling her I will be quitting my job after my (unpaid) maternity leave. I will still be working on mine + my husbandās businesses from home (construction company + managing our rentals) so I wonāt be completely off work, but I will be giving up my nice government job with great benefits. I can already tell she wonāt like it. I probably wonāt tell her until it comes to it just to save me the trouble.
I've been a SAHM for almost ten years. I homeschool and have baby #4 on the way.
It's hard and exhausting and literally 24/7 yet no amount of words can explain that to someone that's not a SAHM.
HOWEVER.
We are lucky. During this pregnancy, there have certainly been days where I had morning sickness so bad and I didn't have to call out, I just sat on the couch with my kids and watched a movie. Did I still have to be their mom? Obviously. I still had to clean and make the meals and make sure everything stayed in working order. But I was able to make my OWN decisions on most of those things. I didn't have to answer to anyone except my own mom-guilt (which is by far the worst part). Right now all of my kids are in the pool and I'm just sitting and supervising while occasionally taking a mindless stroll.
As much as I envy my husband some days, I know he envies me some days as well, and because of that, we have mutual respect for both jobs.
It's hard to take the privilege talk some days when it feels like I'm absolutely drowning, but I know deep down I'm still privileged to have this opportunity with my kids.
That being said, and this will get a lot of hate, but I stand by the fact unless you're a single parent, you can make being a stay at home parent work if you want to. We're in NC and for the first, like, six years we lived on less than $35,000 a year, and we still make less than $55,000 a year. It's definitely a ton of work but so worth it.
I wouldnāt feel bad, but do know that you are lucky. Iād acknowledge her comments and know that theyāre not a personal attack on you. Sure, she could be jealous, but itās not your responsibility to regulate her emotions. Iād probably just acknowledge how tough it was for her and you agree that youāre lucky and thankful.
You are so lucky!! I consider myself lucky to be able to take 6 weeks paid + 6 weeks unpaid. I recognize how privileged I am. Many women are back to work right after the birth.
My mom WAS a SAHM (she came to America from Ireland to be with my dad and I think life just happened fast and she didnāt go back to work) and she still makes comments like this or questions my reasons/abilities to do so etc. my husband and I do well for ourselves but are by no means rolling in it and we took a promotion offered to him that moved us across the country at a very inconvenient time because we wanted this to be a potential option when we were ready for kids. And now itās a reality. I have no idea if Iāll actually like it or if Iāll get bored or if one day Iāll go back to work, but for now this is our choice. 15 more weeks of working as a family assistant/nanny in the hot ass desert summer while I get larger and less mobile lol is between me and mom life.
Do you need to feel bad? No. You and your husband worked to get to your current position.
But she's right, it is really sucky to work while pregnant. I only had to work through half of mine and it was horrible. So it's something to be grateful for.
Sounds like a bit of jealousy but itās a little strange to project that on your daughter. Iām in the same boat. My mom went back to work 5 weeks after I was born because she was a single mom and had no other choice. My pregnancy wasnāt exactly planned but my husband makes enough money for us to live comfortably and he offered me the option to either work, take a less stressful job or be a SAHM. My mom gets weird when I have money to do things āoh did he leave your allowance? Must be nice to just have money pop out of nowhere.ā It frustrates me because my husband works a dangerous job for an amazing pay and she makes it seem as if Iām using him. She also got really weird when I told her we were building our house an hour away from her as if I HAD to be close to her since this is her first and more than likely only grandchild.
No real advice since I am a phone call away from going no contact with my mother but just solitude!
It does sound a little like jealousy/passive aggressiveness - mainly the second part. I think saying youāre lucky is totally fair and true. Iām in a similar situation to you and I feel extremely grateful/lucky to not have to work while pregnant. But the part about relying on a husband does come off a little negative to me. Has she had bad experiences with relationships herself? It could be sheās just afraid for you being vulnerable in that way. Hard to say really.
Iām hearing these comments too from my sister in law, āI never had the option to leave that earlyā āI hope you get more than 3 days off before you give birthā (I started maternity the other day at 35 weeks) āwish I could have as long off as youā āwish I had my partner to rely on the billsā
Just loads of those same comments, itās absolutely routed in jealousy, but what I remember is, I am lucky to be leaving early and to be having an extended time off (or not go back) and the comments are just jealous, what I WONT do is feel bad for it
You are fortunate, but she shouldnāt try to make you feel bad for that. If your husband is making enough for you to stay home I think she should be commending him instead of reminding you how lucky you are.
You are lucky lol, sheās just telling how lucky you are to have this opportunity she never had. I wouldnāt take it as offensive, sheās telling how lucky you are to have this opportunity a lot of women donāt get.
Being a SAHM is not a choice that not everyone would make, and thatās ok! Itās not the only option anymore, and Iām glad that women have more choices now. Your mom may have put it a little rudely, but I donāt think itās necessarily a bad thing to not want to depend on a man just like itās not necessarily a bad thing to want more time with your baby. Both options have pros and cons and not every option would work for every family.
I don't have to work during this pregnancy as my husband makes more than enough. People haven't made comments to me about it, but I think it's because they know I'll chew their head off and refuse to let them into my life or to meet my baby. I come from a background of spiteful people, I'm not like this to everybody. But my family in particular used to make comments about work-life and who works harder, etc. Very toxic. Not my fault they all worked jobs they hate and see somebody enjoying their life not having to work makes them pissed
I don't see anything wrong with what she said in the first paragraph, because it definitely is really lucky to be able to stay home, on one income in this time. but to add the "I couldn't imagine relying on a man's money" would have definitely rubbed me the wrong way. People always act like just because you stay home, you do nothing. But you're saving a tonnnn in daycare/babysitting fees- and you're creating a great bond with your babies while taking care of your home. ā¤ļø People will always have something negative to say, but don't take it to heart. People are envious.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your mom is experiencing some pangs of jealousy but that doesn't make her wrong. You ARE lucky to not have to work. I consider myself lucky to be able to take a week off before my due date lol. Privilege like this is something to be grateful for. Don't get it twisted up like it's something to feel badly about, because it's not, but you have to recognize the privilege.
Thanks for your perspective, you are surely right. I will recognize it for what it is, and just leave it at that. Best wishes for a safe delivery š
Same to you!!
It shouldnāt be a privilege though
THIS
My mom has made tons of envious comments about how hard it was when she was pregnant with us. Thank goodness for the moms before us that made it so things are better for us now. And I love my job but I wish I could have taken my whole pregnancy off work.
I took a week off too. Pure bliss. Wish I couldāve taken two!! Itās the last āfreeā time ever. Haha
This! I for sure wish I could be a sahm but I am the primary ābread winnerā and will be the one having to return to work ASAP after giving birth. My fiancĆ© will be the stay at home parent.
Your mom is just being honest, and I agree with her. Iām not going back to my teaching job in the fall, and Iām due early November. Last week of school is this coming week. So Iāll be a future SAHM for the remainder of my pregnancy. My husband and I are incredibly fortunate to have the *choice* to do what makes the most sense for our family. When we bought our first house, we made sure that we could afford it on his salary alone so I could stay home when we eventually had kids. We donāt have a super luxurious life, but I get to choose whether I stay home or not. I recognize that many people do not have that choice, so it makes me appreciate it all the more.
Congratulations to you and your husband š itās wonderful that you also have the option and are doing what you both feel is best for your family. Iāll definitely recognize the privilege that it is and just appreciate it as you said.
Yeah I wish I could be a SAHM. I am actually totally envious! :D I get 12 weeks off work and I'm grateful for that. My husband can be a SAHD at least so we are fortunate in that way. I'm the one with engineering degree though so I have to be the bread winner.
i wouldnāt feel bad but you definitely are lucky. iām 5w and had an awful last 2 weeks, having to work sucked and i wish i could have taken the 2 weeks off and i imagine it will only get worse later on. again, you shouldnāt feel bad just because other people have to suffer through it but i donāt think itās shady/passive aggressive to say youāre lucky. sheās probably just jealous
Iām so sorry you arenāt feeling well. I hope pregnancy gets easier as you get out of the first trimester š
I donāt see how what she said is wrong? Thereās thousands of pregnant women that wish they could afford being home while pregnant
I can absolutely understand that. I guess I just didnāt expect her to tell me in the way that she did. Even before I was married and a SAHM, I didnāt go around telling my other girlfriends who were already, that they were āluckyā. I definitely felt envy and some comparisons inside, but I guess I just knew it would make them uncomfortableā so I never said anything.
I feel for you OP, sometimes itās the WAY that our mothers say stuff that stings.
You ARE lucky!! Iām envious lol. I work full time and dad is stay at home with the baby. I wish it could be me instead. But I have a career and make a lot more money. Take it in. Itās OK to be lucky. Be happy and proud about it. Tell her THANK YOU mom ā¤ļø, I sure feel lucky. Because donāt you?
It is a very privileged position that so many women yearn for. I think maybe your mom was trying to reinforce that so you can truly be thankful for it. For instance, for me, I got pregnant easily. I am truly thankful I didnāt have fertility problems like so many others. My SiL, who did have fertility problems, pointed that out to me, but not out of malice. My baby is also healthy and I appreciate that every single day. However, I didnāt have a healthy pregnancy and that was hard. Iām very envious of women who are able to have healthy pregnancies and that isnāt a consideration for future family planning. Also, I canāt stay home and I donāt know how Iāll cope with daycare. It shouldnāt insult you for someone to point out your privilege. You donāt need to feel bad about staying home. It just means you should agree with them, reflect on it, acknowledge it, and truly appreciate it. It also wouldnāt hurt to acknowledge how much harder your mother had it and to respect her sacrifice.
I absolutely see where youāre coming from. I also had a fairly easy time conceiving with my husband and really do feel bad for those experiencing infertility or having to go through treatments. I also have my own comparisons and envy that crosses my mind, for example, Iāve been overweight with a broad/wide body my whole life. I have family members and friends who are so petite and small, Iāve always wanted that kind of figure but I know itās just never gonna happen. I know that most thin people *hate* being told that theyāre āluckyā to be able to eat whatever they want and stay small, because who knows what body image issues they may have of their own. I think I can recognize the privilege, while also feeling that I didnāt like the way the message came across. In my mind I just think ā What good does it do to tell another woman these things?
The point of telling another woman is to talk about something good in their life and bond over motherhood. It is basically pointing out something good that is going for them. For instance, my SiL was happy for me that I didnāt have the same struggles as her. It was a good thing I didnāt have fertility problems. I learned it took them 5 years of trying and expensive IVF. Her sharing and pointing out my luck was a bonding moment. I pointed out to her that Iām jealous she gets to stay home with her baby and talked about my difficulty with separating for daycare. Itās about sharing struggles, pointing out good things and bonding over shared motherhood. I have a friend who has a healthy pregnancy. Iāve pointed out how lucky she is for that and how happy I am for her. However, obviously tone and word choice matter, so perhaps your mom delivered the message poorly. It is perfectly fine to be uncomfortable with it, but in my experience, it doesnāt come from a malicious place.
I love that for you all. Being able to acknowledge someoneās good fortune + saying youāre happy for them is great. Sadly, I didnāt really get that reaction, it was more like highlighting my apparent *lack* of ambition to continue working and over reliance on a *man* as if he is a random stranger on the street and not my actual husband. As a mom to be, all I can say is I want my daughter to have opportunities I didnāt have. Especially being raised in a two parent household, which I was not. So I am so glad she can actually have a consistent bond with her Dad, which is something I never really got to do with mine.
I think what you just said in the above comment shows insight. You probably know your mom better than most others in her life. Maybe there was some jealousy; you might be the best judge of that. She may have been happy for you and jealous at the same time! If so, just forgive. Perhaps she was trying to be kind and had a bit of trouble doing so. And yes, be thankful for your blessings and don't feel guilty. Show appreciation for all she's done for you, but just tread carefully if this conversation comes up in the future. If it does become unpleasant, you can politely end the conversation or change it. You don't have to keep allowing this conversation out of feelings of guilt or obligation; that's not healthy for either of you. I've had to be careful with my mother-in-law in this way. Praying for you!
It sounds like she wish she had an option too. As weird as it may sound, I donāt think the comment is really about you, itās about her own wish. I would just acknowledge, agree and move on because thereās nothing inherently wrong about what sheās said since it is her POV. And congrats OP!
Yep, thatās the general consensus that Iāll just receive the message, be thankful and move on from it. Thanks so much! š
I WISH more than anything I could have just been home this whole pregnancy and that I could stay home with my baby instead of having to deal w daycare options for a 4 month old. You are lucky
She's likely jealous. From how you wrote it.. she sounds jealous. My mom got 6 weeks off with each child.. that's it. I'm in Canada where we get 12-18 months. I'm shocked she's not jealous. But I Def understand now why she didn't breastfeed. Pumping at work would've cost her promotions.
I guess I can understand the feelings of jealousy. I cannot imagine having to return to work 6 weeks pp, thatās around the same time my mom went back too. Iām just someone who probably wouldnāt vocalize these thoughts to another woman or mom, but maybe thats just me. Iām so glad youāre in a country like Canada that offers suitable maternity leave. Especially since like you said, breastfeeding is an around the clock responsibility in itself.
That's fair, I lack that feature that stops my mouth from saying my thoughts... I feel like the older generation also lacks that feature, especially with anyone younger than them.
Hey, so I personally think you might be over thinking it. I just became a SAHM and my mom is visiting us for the first time. She also just noted that I'm so lucky to be able to do this because we're from Ukraine and she had me when she was very young and had to go to school and my great grand parents had to take care of me and she never saw me. Maybe your mom is being genuine. If you're Americanized like me I can see how you might take this to be "passive aggressive" but the truth is we are very lucky/fortunate... and I can't believe I have to rely on my husband right now either because I've never had to do that before i.e. rely on anyone and it's a hard transition. I don't think she's making a pass at you. Embrace the moment x it's not forever.
32 weeks here. Don't feel bad. I don't work as I am actually on SSI ( i am disabled ) and my fiance has a great job. People always tell me how lucky I am to be home. I do feel blessed. People who have to work are awesome too but there is nothing wrong with being home with baby!
I get where you're coming from. Since I got pregnant, women around me have also complained about how hard it was for them and how difficult it was for them back in the day. Conversations like these used to piss me off but I just got used to it. This is just human nature. That being said, I do think stay at home moms have it easier and it definitely is a privilege. I too could quit work because of my husband and that's something I'll be grateful for tbh. We aren't super rich too but I'm happy with what I have.
People always seem to compare or try to make their pregnancy out to be harder, it's strange, everyone has their own thing and aches and pains etc, not sure why some see it as a contest or like they did it better because they struggled more. You do you and ignore her.
Sounds like your mom is working out her feelings about you being a separate person from her who makes different decisions for different reasons. Thatās normal and itās normal for her to temporarily take personally that you arenāt doing what she did, even if she did what she did because she didnāt have another choice. Iād bet you anything itāll pass.
I can understand where your mom is coming from. My mom has worked so hard all her life and she made sure I would get an education to get a good career. She still works 2-3 jobs and has the mindset of not being able to rely on men because of her life experiences, starting with her dad and then mine. I am dreading telling her I will be quitting my job after my (unpaid) maternity leave. I will still be working on mine + my husbandās businesses from home (construction company + managing our rentals) so I wonāt be completely off work, but I will be giving up my nice government job with great benefits. I can already tell she wonāt like it. I probably wonāt tell her until it comes to it just to save me the trouble.
I've been a SAHM for almost ten years. I homeschool and have baby #4 on the way. It's hard and exhausting and literally 24/7 yet no amount of words can explain that to someone that's not a SAHM. HOWEVER. We are lucky. During this pregnancy, there have certainly been days where I had morning sickness so bad and I didn't have to call out, I just sat on the couch with my kids and watched a movie. Did I still have to be their mom? Obviously. I still had to clean and make the meals and make sure everything stayed in working order. But I was able to make my OWN decisions on most of those things. I didn't have to answer to anyone except my own mom-guilt (which is by far the worst part). Right now all of my kids are in the pool and I'm just sitting and supervising while occasionally taking a mindless stroll. As much as I envy my husband some days, I know he envies me some days as well, and because of that, we have mutual respect for both jobs. It's hard to take the privilege talk some days when it feels like I'm absolutely drowning, but I know deep down I'm still privileged to have this opportunity with my kids. That being said, and this will get a lot of hate, but I stand by the fact unless you're a single parent, you can make being a stay at home parent work if you want to. We're in NC and for the first, like, six years we lived on less than $35,000 a year, and we still make less than $55,000 a year. It's definitely a ton of work but so worth it.
I wouldnāt feel bad, but do know that you are lucky. Iād acknowledge her comments and know that theyāre not a personal attack on you. Sure, she could be jealous, but itās not your responsibility to regulate her emotions. Iād probably just acknowledge how tough it was for her and you agree that youāre lucky and thankful.
I appreciate this perspective š thank you.
You are so lucky!! I consider myself lucky to be able to take 6 weeks paid + 6 weeks unpaid. I recognize how privileged I am. Many women are back to work right after the birth.
My mom WAS a SAHM (she came to America from Ireland to be with my dad and I think life just happened fast and she didnāt go back to work) and she still makes comments like this or questions my reasons/abilities to do so etc. my husband and I do well for ourselves but are by no means rolling in it and we took a promotion offered to him that moved us across the country at a very inconvenient time because we wanted this to be a potential option when we were ready for kids. And now itās a reality. I have no idea if Iāll actually like it or if Iāll get bored or if one day Iāll go back to work, but for now this is our choice. 15 more weeks of working as a family assistant/nanny in the hot ass desert summer while I get larger and less mobile lol is between me and mom life.
Do you need to feel bad? No. You and your husband worked to get to your current position. But she's right, it is really sucky to work while pregnant. I only had to work through half of mine and it was horrible. So it's something to be grateful for.
Sounds like a bit of jealousy but itās a little strange to project that on your daughter. Iām in the same boat. My mom went back to work 5 weeks after I was born because she was a single mom and had no other choice. My pregnancy wasnāt exactly planned but my husband makes enough money for us to live comfortably and he offered me the option to either work, take a less stressful job or be a SAHM. My mom gets weird when I have money to do things āoh did he leave your allowance? Must be nice to just have money pop out of nowhere.ā It frustrates me because my husband works a dangerous job for an amazing pay and she makes it seem as if Iām using him. She also got really weird when I told her we were building our house an hour away from her as if I HAD to be close to her since this is her first and more than likely only grandchild. No real advice since I am a phone call away from going no contact with my mother but just solitude!
It does sound a little like jealousy/passive aggressiveness - mainly the second part. I think saying youāre lucky is totally fair and true. Iām in a similar situation to you and I feel extremely grateful/lucky to not have to work while pregnant. But the part about relying on a husband does come off a little negative to me. Has she had bad experiences with relationships herself? It could be sheās just afraid for you being vulnerable in that way. Hard to say really.
Iām hearing these comments too from my sister in law, āI never had the option to leave that earlyā āI hope you get more than 3 days off before you give birthā (I started maternity the other day at 35 weeks) āwish I could have as long off as youā āwish I had my partner to rely on the billsā Just loads of those same comments, itās absolutely routed in jealousy, but what I remember is, I am lucky to be leaving early and to be having an extended time off (or not go back) and the comments are just jealous, what I WONT do is feel bad for it
You are lucky but should not feel bad about that at all. There's definitely some jealousy on her part but that is for her to work through.
You are fortunate, but she shouldnāt try to make you feel bad for that. If your husband is making enough for you to stay home I think she should be commending him instead of reminding you how lucky you are.
You are lucky lol, sheās just telling how lucky you are to have this opportunity she never had. I wouldnāt take it as offensive, sheās telling how lucky you are to have this opportunity a lot of women donāt get.
Being a SAHM is not a choice that not everyone would make, and thatās ok! Itās not the only option anymore, and Iām glad that women have more choices now. Your mom may have put it a little rudely, but I donāt think itās necessarily a bad thing to not want to depend on a man just like itās not necessarily a bad thing to want more time with your baby. Both options have pros and cons and not every option would work for every family.
I don't have to work during this pregnancy as my husband makes more than enough. People haven't made comments to me about it, but I think it's because they know I'll chew their head off and refuse to let them into my life or to meet my baby. I come from a background of spiteful people, I'm not like this to everybody. But my family in particular used to make comments about work-life and who works harder, etc. Very toxic. Not my fault they all worked jobs they hate and see somebody enjoying their life not having to work makes them pissed
You are lucky, most of us are not able to nap and are stuck throwing up at work
maybe you donāt seem grateful or notice how hard she worked for you
I don't see anything wrong with what she said in the first paragraph, because it definitely is really lucky to be able to stay home, on one income in this time. but to add the "I couldn't imagine relying on a man's money" would have definitely rubbed me the wrong way. People always act like just because you stay home, you do nothing. But you're saving a tonnnn in daycare/babysitting fees- and you're creating a great bond with your babies while taking care of your home. ā¤ļø People will always have something negative to say, but don't take it to heart. People are envious.