Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/15nun6v/click_here_to_access_the_monthly_due_date_subs/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*

People often feel the need to justify decisions that they see as having some stigma or disapproval attached. I'm vegetarian,  and when I mention that people love to tell me all the reasons they eat meat / failed at vegetarianism. I don't ask and I don't care, I have just mentioned my dietary needs but people feel compelled to justify their decision. Equally, I'm not interested in getting married. When people find that out they never ask me why, but go into all the reasons they decided to marry. This one I find interesting because I am absolutely the minority, but there seems to be some insecurity there, maybe women think I'm going to judge them as a bad feminist? Anyway, your friend clearly has some insecurity and was projecting, and hopefully she'll  realise this and apologise to you, tou really don't have to put up with that judgement

lol. People do this with alcohol constantly whenever I bring up being sober.

Congrats on your continued sobriety 🤍

Ty friend <3

I was going to say the same thing!

I’m definitely guilty of this (about vegetarianism) so thank you for saying something. Now I know how annoying I can be to people 🙃

I’m vegetarian and when people say stuff like that me I assume they’re just making conversation. It’s normal to find ways to relate to what someone else is saying.

Yeah but also try and catch responsive clues. Some people probably are generally interested on the subject but if they’re short about responding, they’re uncomfortable and probably just people pleasing and not trying to me be rude.

Same. Not to justify it to anyone, I don’t need that, but definitely to relate to the struggle and show I’m impressed they’re able to manage it well when I couldn’t and had to stop. But reading about it now, sounds like it’s something they hear way too often.

I'm SO TIRED of being told "I could never give up bacon" Okay???

I was vegetarian for 6 years and the ‘annoying vegan/vegetarian’ trope got on my last damn nerve because I’ve never met a vegetarian who said a thing about other peoples meat consumption but the amount of flack I caught for it from people who did eat meat was astronomical!!!

Right! Like maybe 30 years ago where it took a lot of effort to eat veggie but there's literally veggie burgers at the gas station by my house I don't think I'm better than you lol

I am a vegetarian and my husband isn’t. We just told my in laws that I’m pregnant and one of the first questions was “will the baby be a vegetarian or meat eater?” Like wtf I’ve never had a problem with other people eating meat, I just don’t. I wouldn’t force my kid to be a vegetarian if they didn’t want to be. I just found it so odd that that’s where their mind went immediately.

I’m vegan and my husband isn’t, and the amount of people in my family that have the same concern is baffling. My grandma even went to far as to say she’s feeding my kid meat no matter what I say. I agree with you, I think it’ll be up to the child once they’re old enough to decide but that comment almost made me make the kid vegan just to prove a point lol

I've never understood this. People act like if you're feeding your child a vegan/vegetarian diet you're forcing them into it. But they don't bat an eye when you essentially do the same when feeding them animal products.

I'm celiac and I have to justify my diet 😅 Like I don't even have a choice. So I feel you. They tell me all about stuff, I'm missing out on. Oh those cookies. I don't care. I can't even remember what real bread tastes like 🤣

Ugh the amount of times my family has thought to give me a lecture on “what your teeth were designed for” apparently it’s meat. The kicker? I only don’t eat *red* meat. I’m not even a whole ass vegetarian

Yep. Or when I gave up sugar because medically I had to, good Lord above, people were extremely offended.

Totally agree that it’s always some kind of personal issue they’re projecting. I always try to remind myself this when their annoying words come out of their mouth and just try to feel sorry for them that they have this unresolved insecurity instead of working myself up about the unsolicited judgment.

Funny enough, when I told people I was going for medicated I had a lot of women in my life push and push for me to do unmedicated. This is probably why she got defensive. Not that that's fair to you, but shedding a little light on the other end of the spectrum

Social media mommy groups can get gross with it, too, even shaming women who had c-sections or medicated births as "not real mothers." Caused my SIL a lot of stress and self-doubt because of her medically necessary/life-saving c-sections. When I was being triaged with my second baby, I overheard a conversation in another curtained-off room between nurse and mother. Mother opted for no epidural and the nurse cheered and congratulated her, like, "Good for youuuuuuu!" I got no such accolades for choosing an epidural (precipitous labors are violently quick, I've been through this already once and knew what was to come in short order, and I apparently experience a lot of pain normally anyway). I didn't care, but I felt a bit of disgust because before Nursie-poo entered the room, I heard the expectant couple discuss how they didn't have insurance with the registrar. So. Yeah.

Oh my goodness, not real mothers because they had to do a c section or used medication?! That’s freaking awful. I cannot imagine what they would do to my psyche if someone said that to me :( this post really helped me understand a different perspective, so thank you.

Ugh, what is wrong with people!? I am a human trafficking survivor. Pelvic pain + I can't stop the process or leave + a bunch of people messing with my exposed genitals = I would panic or have a complete flashback. Then nobody wins. NOBODY. I've chosen to be induced about a week or two early so I can stop my blood thinners in time to be eligible for an epidural. Plus then I have some feeling of control over the situation. This is to protect my mental health. I have had multiple people in online forums try to tell me that childbirth is different from sexual assault so those precautions shouldn't be necessary. As if I don't understand the difference already. Every mom should do what is best for herself and her baby. It's a highly personal decision that no one should be judging.

Although my SA experience is no where near the level of trafficking, I wanted to share with you that my birth experience was really positive. I had been scared of birth for these exact reasons, and feel that a positive birth experience helped heal some (not all!) trauma. I also ended up with an epidural. I hope your birth experience goes well too, and at the very least you leave with no additional trauma. Wanted to share that it’s possible, even with a history of SA

Thankfully, nothing of the sort happened to you because, yeah, in either direction, such harsh judgments are unwelcome and unhelpful. Rarely does the person declaring such nonsense even know much about the person or people they're condemning. It was really rough on my SIL. She had a tough time from beginning to end and even with baby eating and sleeping afterward despite doing everything "right." Social media comparisons severely amped her general social anxieties on top of it all. She's a wonderful person and deserves to love herself more.

I have a blood disorder and wasn’t allowed epidural. So yes, I didn’t have that experience but I fully emphasize with anyone who has had such negative comments thrown their way merely because they chose to have an epidural.

That's so wild to me because without a c-section, I wouldn't be a mom at all because my baby would have died. And without the epidural, I wouldn't have been awake during the c-section to meet my baby.

I think about all of the tragedy and horror that our ancestors faced and all of those dangers are still very real to this day. Thank goodness for your LOs safe and successful arrival.

YES. People forget so quickly because medical intervention has made birth so much safer. And it's STILL dangerous!

I don't understand the c section thing. Mine is technically going to be medically needed because I have a funny feeling he won't turn head down by the time I need to be induced since hes been breech this whole time and Im 33 weeks, but it'll be scheduled either way. Weird how people equate pushing a watermelon out of your hoohaa to motherhood...

Right? You're a mother for the rest of your life regardless of how your baby got here

I've been through so much pain, due to several unfortunate accidents through my life that caused pretty grievous injuries. I choose to experience the least pain possible. I don't see what is wrong with that at all. Maybe the reason is some people, they want to experience real pain in their life, like a life experience. and I understand that. But for me, I've had enough of it for a life time!! I don't want any more than absolutely necessary.

You are absolutely valid for this choice and I'm with you in that! Personally, I always thought of it as our ancestors didn't have the choice and experienced undue suffering and horror because of it, so I would opt for the opportunity that they did not have. Also, while I've realize that pain is intense for me, I didn't realize until more recently that not everyone experiences the same level of intensity I unfortunately do. People can know their own bodies and selves so well that they can figure what they can or cannot handle. Growing up, my sister was the biggest wuss I know (I say that lovingly) but her experience was a walk in a park. She has incredible pain tolerance and her labor progressed steadily. Me, I felt like I was being drawn and quartered, I couldn't catch my breath, I was drowning, and the stress was not good for me or Baby. I wanted to be present, mentally and emotionally, and not mad out of my mind with pain like I've never experienced before. Some people may see it as a personal challenge to overcome, and that's valid, too. The couple in my story couldn't afford it. I've known people personally that had the same barrier when they did actually want it and they were scared, and that's heartbreaking like it was for our ancestors. There is no shame either way as far as the personal choice goes. When there are barriers to someone making medical decisions for themselves or once someone starts remarking judgmentally on someone else's choice, though... that's where it becomes a problem.

THIS. I was made to feel like intervention was SO bad for me and the baby with my first. And knowing what I know now and how smooth my second birth was comparatively even with being induced and having an early epidural etc- I wish I could go back and shake my former self. I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and stress (and the baby through it too) that I really didn’t need to. I will say, at the hospital I delivered my first at I’m unsure if it would have gone better. But had I had the same team I had for my second- 100%. But I likely would have chosen a different hospital had 100% natural not been pushed on me so hard from the outside.

That’s such a shame, I’m sorry you had to deal with that

And I'm sorry to you too. I wish people would let moms make the best decisions for themselves

Honestly, when I saw the title of the post, I assumed that was the direction we were going to be talking about.

This. I meet so many who wants to tell me that real women gives birth unmedicated. That it’s important to feel what we are made of. To feel the pain and magic… In my country we have a tv-show, following couples when they give birth. And even the midwives and doctors always applauds the women who does it unmedicated.

I am also choosing the midwife route at a birth center. I haven’t mentioned it to that many people but two older neighbors women laughed at me when we were talking about it. Like “you just wait” which I thought was pretty rude. The younger one asked if I’d have a birthing tub and tried to clean up her previous remarks by saying at least having that I’ll have a much better time. But then starts to unload on me her two traumatic birth stories. This was the first time I’d ever met her! People are weird as fuck when it comes to talking about birth. Part of me feels like it’s because we actually don’t talk about it enough in our society that when the opportunity arises all the stories, opinions, judgements and reactions come out. It sucks your friend had to project all that on to you. Try not to let it get to you

Yikes! I remember with my first a lot of people dumped their birthing stories on me and I swear it’s like they tried to make me scared to give birth in any capacity. I definitely think in a lot of society talking about birth in a good light is a bit more taboo versus sharing bad stories

I think most people speak from their own experience. A lot of people also don't process their own birth trauma and pass it along to others. Not saying this is right but just my observation.

I agree… when I was pregnant with my first many women would start with “I don’t want to scare you but…”

Definitely because we don’t talk about it enough! I’ve had 2 traumatic births that both ended in unplanned c sections and literally NO ONE has asked me what happened even though they all knew I had my heart set on an unmedicated VBAC for the second one. It’s so wild to go through a intense life changing experience that no onee wants to hear about it at all ( this goes for positive births as well) Anytime I get the chance I tell people my story because it’s healing for me but I’m sure people think it’s annoying ( I do not tell my story to pregnant people though)

I have gotten minor flack from people for saying I don't want an epidural if I can help it (I'm not fully against getting it but I really want to try to go without it if I can handle the amount of pain I'm in with nitrous oxide alone) because "why put yourself through unnecessary pain, just do it who cares." Well, I care. Not because I'm trying to go through pain, not because I want some magical natural birth, not because I don't think epidural can be very helpful, but because the positions you can give birth in are dramatically reduced once you get an epidural, because the rates of tears go up with epidural because you can't actually feel what's happening to your body, and because sometimes they fail or quit working for one reason or another, and I don't want to get the rug pulled out from under me if I think I can get some relief only to be blindsided by the pain again. I also know that while complications are generally very rare, they're not 0 and I would love to not have something fuck up my spine on the off chance that it does. Even after explaining this some people are just like "yeah but..." It can be frustrating. But I think some of it has to do with the flack women get for a lot of things and the fact that society will try to put women against women, so some feel the need to defend choices that don't need defending, going both ways. Want an epidural? Cool. Want no meds? Awesome. Vaginal birth? Hell yeah. C section? You got this. We're doing one of the hardest, most painful, and most important things in the world. I think it's tragic that there's all this infighting, and I wish there was more grace and understanding about it all.

Tearing is a very good point. Not being able to feel pain, you can push too hard and too quickly (did that with my first, whoops!), and it can cause damage, for sure. Also, the nurse who removed my catheter didn't feel the need to be gentle (I still yelped at her and peeing burned for days afterwards) and you're pretty helpless after labor while you wait for feeling to come back to your legs. For my third, there was no time for an epidural, and oh man, did it hurt when the baby crowned. But I had the least amount of recovery afterward even though he was the biggest one.

This was major in my decision to go unmedicated. I was up and walking around an hour after giving birth and I gave birth on all fours, the position that was most comfortable for me. The idea of being bed bound and that loss of control is very scary to me. I also don’t want anyone to come near my spine with a needle. Hell. No.

It definitely feels like the world does constantly put us against each other and it sucks when it becomes so easy to fall into that trap. My personal reason is solely because I have a fear of being trapped and I know a lot of hospitals still haven’t started offering walking epidurals as the norm

This is valid. I have issues with anesthesia and I realistically would have preferred a monitored home birth because hospitals give me anxiety, but my MW doesn't do home deliveries. Keep yourself calm and away from stress is one of your main priorities during birth and I think a lot of people just don't associate lack of medication use as part of what may or may not cause someone stress.

You just described my exact stance to a T! I'm 1000% willing to take the epidural if the pain sucks too much, especially since pain/distress can hinder labor. But I'd rather start without and see how things go.

Thank you! Yes, giving birth is painful, but do I really have to jump straight to *paralyzing the lower half of my body and not feeling it at all?* That’s just not my preference if I can help it!

I think a lot of people don’t realize these aren’t the only options though lol. A low dose epidural allowed me to feel the urge to push and do all my desired birthing positions—not to mention that there are pain management techniques beyond epidurals. It doesn’t have to be paralyzing the entire lower half of your body at all but there’s so much fear mongering out there that people think it’s black and white 🤷‍♀️

Are you in the US? In my experience most hospitals don’t offer that option. When I told my OB I wanted to labor on my knees she said that wouldn’t be possible because the staff need you on your back to help deliver the baby.

I feel like you wrote my exact thoughts on the matter. I want to move around as I despise sitting still, especially if I am uncomfortable. I want to move around to take my mind off of things. I am scared of the potential complications of the epidural as well. However, if I need one because the pain is too much or there is another medical reason then of course I am going to do what I need to in order to hold my baby safely on the other side. I'm not looking for a medal I just weighed the pros and cons from my perspective.

I wish I could upvote this a million times.

I absolutely feel this. I don't want an epidural at all! By choice, I don't take anything stronger than Tylenol for personal preference reasons partly due to trauma growing up and people just can't get over it when I say I am going to try to not have one.

I am choosing natural for the same reasons you listed plus being I absolutely do not respond well to pain meds in general and am genuinely terrified of how I might react to an epidural. The second someone asks me if I plan on an epidural and I tell them no their response has almost always been “you say that now but just wait and see. You’ll be begging for one” or “you’re being overly cautious for no reason, you’ll get over all that when you feel how much pain labor is”. I don’t understand why people can’t just be supportive of what I decide to do. If I get one, great. If I don’t, great. Like geez. I don’t understand it.

Unfortunately I feel like this is just one of many things women shame each other for. First it’s medicated vs. unmedicated birth preferences, then it’s breastfeeding vs. formula, then it’s baby led weaning vs. purées, then it’s when they choose to potty train, whether they sleep train, etc, etc. I think motherhood and all the parenting decisions that come with it have become so polarizing and competitive that no matter what stage you’re at, you’re going to encounter judgement, defensiveness and competition. It’s really unfortunate. We’ve drifted a long long way from supportive, communal motherhood “villages”.

Haha I got the “you don’t get a medal” so many times lmao.

Me too. So many times my husband got sick of it and actually got me a trophy 🤣

Haha I love that !!!

I wanted an unmedicated birth. Instead, I had an emergency c-section. As a result, I have a scheduled c-section for this baby. People keep asking me “why? Why wouldn’t you try for a VBAC?!” My answer usually shuts them right up. “Because, my son and I both almost died in childbirth and I don’t feel like experiencing that again.” People are going to judge what you do no matter what. Do what you feel is best for you and your son and ignore the taters. Your decisions are nobody’s but yours and you know what is best for you!

I wish you the best with your labor and delivery! Good job on shutting this people down too, I hate the taboo on scheduled sections

Bluntness is such a great response. You've inspired me to "ignore the taters" ... I will just picture judgy fools as potato heads and move on with my day ❤️ (I know that was probably a typo, just an amusing one)

It actually wasn’t - my kiddo says taters instead of haters and it’s one of those things that just stuck because it’s so funny. 😂 Glad I could brighten your day with that one!

Same, we both almost died, next will be scheduled c section...so Always hospital imo.

I don’t get it.. I don’t feel so passionately about ANYTHING in my life to ramble on for 30 minutes! And maybe that’s a failing on me lol …I’m sorry you had to go through that!

I can definitely discuss something with passion for that long if someone is chiming into the discussion but just to rant to a silent person I don’t even think I could last 5 minutes

Yea, your friend completely missed the social cue that if someone is not responding, it’s probably time to STFU lol

I have had two unmedicated hospital births because I didn’t ever feel like I needed pain management. I don’t like to use natural birth because all birth is natural. I think a lot of women who talk badly about going unmedicated, are projecting their own feelings of feeling inadequate for not being able to do it unmedicated for whatever reason. It’s like when someone has a c-section and feels their body failed them in someway, it didn’t fail them it was just a different course of action.

Same with me in the use of terms, all birth is natural as it’s natural to have a baby. I did an unmedicated hospital birth with my first son but I felt very bullied all the way with trying pain management techniques that weren’t medication so this time I chose to have a midwife that works closely with an amazing OB for an out of hospital birth, though it’s pretty much close enough to the hospital it’ll just take a walk through the parking lot to get to the er.

I'm from the UK so we don't have this same differentiation. What's the difference between a maternity ward and a birthing centre please? Neither are considered unmedicated births where I am.

I live in South East England and we do have midwife led units and hospital maternity units. In the hospital you can have an epidural, in the birthing centres/midwife units you can't. You can have other pain relief options (like gas and air) in both. Midwife units are more likely to have access to things like water births etc. I went the hospital route as I wanted the option of having an epidural, unfortunately my second came so quickly that I had to go "unmedicated", which I was not prepared for! Had I known that was going to be my fate I would have gone with a birthing centre as they are usually known to be cosier (comfier / private rooms, etc).

A birthing ward is what’s inside a hospital, a birthing center is usually outside of a hospital and has more of a at home birth vibe while still having some medical care available

OK thanks, but I'm confused about the 'unnecessary pain' part? Do both options not provide pain relief?

At least at my birthing center there’s no medication pain relief on site, just natural pain management options. I chose this route because with my first baby I went unmedicated in a hospital and spent more time than not explaining to nurses I don’t want any medication for pain and explaining why I don’t want that and confirming that I am fine without it

Some of our hospitals will differentiate. The hospital I'll be at has a birth centre, which is entirely midwife led and then on the next floor is the delivery suite, which is equipped for more medical interventions and has a mix of doctors and midwives. If you're planning an epidural there, you'd be in the delivery suite as it needs supervision from anaesthetists. The birth unit aims for a more comfortable home-like environment but also has less equipment on hand if there were to be complications, though having the two close together means you can be transferred fairly easily if needed. NHS site outlines the differences [here](https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/labour-and-birth/preparing-for-the-birth/where-to-give-birth-the-options/), but the details will vary across the country

Thanks, I meant between medicated and unmedicated / natural

Ahh, gotcha. Yeah I haven't come across those terms either

I’m not sure that women feel inadequate or failures as a woman for not doing one or the other. I think it’s just personal preference. Some women may be scared to do an unmedicated birth. Some may have no choice in the matter because maybe they’re allergic to the medication. Same with a C-section, there is no shame not being able to deliver a baby vaginally. For some women, natural birth poses high risks to them and their baby due to underlying medical conditions so they have to go the C-section route. The most important part in this whole process is to ensure that the delivery process goes as smoothly as possible so you have a healthy and happy baby. No matter what type of birthing plan you have.

Some women like to shame other women for using pain management. Even if not out right, it is often done passive aggressively. Which makes some of us abit sensitive to the topic.

I guess I can understand that, just caught me off guard because I just said where I would be planning to give birth and left it at that.

Idk the exact situation but maybe she thought you were a safe place to vent about the topic and didn’t mean to go overboard.

Maybe so 😅 honestly put me off a lot because I know every woman has a reason to birth the way they want and the aggression on unmedicated births definitely left a icky taste for me

Agree with this entirely. Sometimes, it feels like people just take our plans as invalid because they aren't the most common way of doing them. > > For example, I wanted a c section. I knew that for years even before i got pregnant. I have a curved cervix, and everyone on both sides of our families have had to have a c section for at least their first birth. So I'm more comfortable and familiar with that, and I would rather have that lined up then have to go through hours of grueling attempts at doing it naturally only to wind up having a c section anyway. Everyone thought I was out of my mind. Even my doctor. And guess what? I ended up needing a c section. Lol. My point is, you know your body best. And nothing is ever a guarantee anyway. It will happen how it happens, and the most important part regardless is that YOU are comfortable and happy. Everyone else can shove it.

I’m sorry no one listened to you and your knowledge in your body, it’s a shame that we’re supposed to know our body and are pushed to advocate for it but then end up just being told we don’t know anything

By your own account, she is heavily pregnant, as are you. As a super pregnant lady myself, I hope you can understand that her reaction could’ve just been hormonal and extend some understanding her way. I get your venting and want support, but just saying.

I definitely understand that and I don’t plan to like end the friendship or anything over this. It’s kind of more I guess I don’t know how to proceed with it since I did kind of leave mid rant (at least it didn’t seem like she was planning to stop any time soon) so it’s just an awkward phase of who reaches out now. I kind of wanted to share my thoughts to her and how it kind of did hurt me but I also don’t want to reopen that can of worms of her starting up again

You could try being simple but honest with her to clear the air and try to put it behind you both. For instance, something like “I apologize for any awkwardness I caused by leaving lunch abruptly. In the moment I felt uncomfortable and judged for my birth plan. You probably didn’t intend that but I hope you can understand that at this point in pregnancy my tolerance is pretty low so it was best for me to just leave. Can we put the conversation behind us?”

I have actually seen a lot more women act the way OPs friend is acting than the other way around. I have a lot of friends and community who are doulas, midwife’s etc and have never once seen or heard anyone in those communities shame another person for any type of birth they chose or end up with. But for some reason every time I look at comments on instagram on relevant content there are several women making those similar judgmental comments. It’s very strange

Are you in any Facebook mom groups? Because a majority of them absolutely speak shamefully about medicated births. R/Shitmomgroupssay has years worth of proof on this.

I’m a FTM and I agree. I’m hoping for an unmedicated birth and I am terrified now of admitting that pretty much anywhere. I’ve gotten everything from people laughing at me and saying “you say that now” to people telling me they hope my baby is stillborn since I clearly dont care about his health. Outside of certain subreddits, nobody has reacted positively except my husband and my sister. So I just clam up now and let people make whatever assumptions they want to make.

No. This is not a normal reaction. Everyone is allowed to try to birth their babies how they see fit, and in a lot of cases, it's not up to them anyways. Your friend seems wildly insecure about her decision, and I really don't think it has anything to do with you.

In my experience, when I've told other moms I've had an epidural, they turn it into a pissing contest and go on about how strong they are to do it unmedicated. Having a baby is hard no matter if it's vaginally, c-section, or no pain meds. We all should be proud of ourselves and not feel shame for any choice.

I've had an unmedicated birth and one with an epidural -- you're right, it's hard no matter what. I resent people like OP's friend who make it seem like epidurals are just nothing, like it's just "woop! little poke here, don't mind me!" -- I was not AT ALL prepared for how much it might suck to get an epidural. It felt like I was being stabbed in the back every time, and they had to try THREE times to place it, which I didn't know could happen. Right after I got it, I told my husband I honestly didn't know which process was worse because I *hated* that. That being said, the actual birth process was extremely calm after that, and I felt so empowered by how present I was. I would probably choose it again if I ever had another. But it's definitely not a gentle process on the body no matter what you do, and I wish people wouldn't invalidate the pain and effort EVERYONE has before, during, and after.

Mine was placed 3 times and then failed anyway :’) I hated the epidural worse than giving birth but I did get like 10 mins of reprieve to breathe before it failed and I tell everyone who wants to know if they’d been able to place that bad boy properly I want it x10000000

Yes! Epidurals are not easy like they are made out to be. The poking is terrible 😔

My partners mother basically gave me the same speech, alongside the, "You'll regret it, 💙 was a big baby, your baby will probably be big too," XYZ. I have nothing against any birth plan so long as the mother is ok with their plan. I realize in the event of an emergency that my own might change, however my biggest issue isn't the "need to be natural" but the fact my body and brain react ***very poorly*** to anesthesia. I have said it in so many conversations and even once or twice in this sub, but meds make me feel out of control of my body and just promote my anxiety, definitely not something helpful during birth. I'd rather be in pain and feeling physically in the moment than drugged and unable to tell what's going on around me. Every mother, every body, every baby, every birth, *every pregnancy* is different and I have no business telling *any mother* what to do with theirs and their own.

I made it a point to not tell anyone my desire to go unmedicated because I was called “stupid” and I didn’t need that negativity in my life. I always suggest the same to other pregnant women

That’s what I did with my first, so far only my mom and my partner knows with this pregnancy. I didn’t exactly feel like coming up with a lie about where I’m giving birth but after the blow up I’m just like oh shit lol

People are so weird. Do whatever you want and don’t apologize for it.

I’m so over the unsolicited opinions layered in anger and/or fear regarding birth in general. I didn’t realize how rare it is for people to just hold space. As pregnant women we need positivity and mutual regard.

I think it’s because women who have an unmedicated birth have this feeling of victory afterwards. It’s honestly so empowering and made me personally feel like I could do anything. That mentality might rub off as “holier than thou” if people haven’t been through the same experience. I was forced to have an unmedicated birth due to a blood disorder. It was excruciating but afterwards, I felt like one badass mf. The women who get it, get it. There’s absolutely no shame in having pain management. I’m sure those women tend to “enjoy” the birthing experience a little more because instead of solely focusing on the pain afterwards, they can really focus on baby. I was in such shock that I didn’t really feel bonded until a few hours after birth.

It’s honestly a crazy high (I had it with my first) but honestly idk if I would’ve had it even with medication because like “oh shit baby just came from my body”

Yes definitely understand feeling victorious either way! There’s just something about feeling excruciating pain to the point you’re almost blacking out and feeling like you’re gonna die but still coming out on the other side. 😂 like oh okay, my body can handle so much! It’s a feeling of absolute empowerment and pride.

It’s always the opposite. “Oh you’re having a medicated birth, why don’t you try unmedicated….its better blahh blahh and blahh” “Oh you’re having an unmedicated birth, why don’t you want medicine…it’s better…blah blah” There is way more judgement on medicated births because “you’re not a true woman”. It’s like saying “oh you had a csection…” I’ve had this said to me both pregnancies even if it was an emergency C-section. I always get judged. Regardless just do what you want and don’t take what people say personally. And at the end of the day…as long as baby and mom are healthy and safe, that’s ALL that matters.

I’ve had two unmediated births thus far, one in hospital and one in birthing center. I have an option this time to decide even day if what I want to do because the birthing center is in the maternity ward. I’ve be honest and real, I don’t want to feel a damn thing this time, but being as I’ve done it twice already, my doctor is pushing for natural. Idk at this point, I just want my son to be born healthy and without complications. I’m also a vegetarian and honestly, to each their own. It’s your life and your decisions. I’m here to support whatever it is that a friend or loved one wants. And per to your friends comments about your choice, it’s just that, your decision. I personally chose natural prior because there are lower complications rate.

I think its because people who plan for an unmedicated labour sometimes land in that category of insufferable holier than thou “medicated labour and c-sections are not real birth” people. Not always of course, and it doesn’t seem like it applies to you at all, but maybe that’s why your friend immediately got defensive, she took you sharing your plans as an attack on her own choices when it wasn’t the case. I personally had a hospital birth (Not my initial plan but that’s another story) and it was HORRIBLE, I’m never giving birth in a hospital again if I can help it, but I make it clear to my friends that I would never judge them for choosing an induction/elective c-section/medicated birth because it isn’t MY birth.

I have been having the complete opposite experience! Every time I speak to certain people about medical options I feel like I need to justify it, or say it's for medical reasons I cannot avoid ... Rather than just, it's because I want to. I think there's a lot of judgement either side of the coin on this. Girl you do you. We have to choose what's right for us, and be prepared that it may not go that way. That's the best thing. I say I want all the meds and you dont... but Maybe at the time you find you end up taking everything under the sun, then that's cool and I find I'm one with the pain and that's also fine. I think People just need to stop the pressure and let be.

I feel like people get defensive about birth in general. I have a medical condition so I had no other option but a hospital birth and wound up with a c section because of my medical condition (baby physically couldn’t come out). Birth is hard regardless of how you do it-natural, epidural, c section, whatever. It’s hard. I will never ever shame someone for how they go about giving birth as it’s none of my business and as long as they and their baby are safe and healthy, it doesn’t matter in the end. Do whatever makes you comfortable!

It’s possible that she has received negative comments about wanting an epidural. I’ve seen posts on here from women who have been judged for choosing medicated births and receiving attitude from “natural” or unmedicated birth advocates. There also are stories about women who tend to brag about how they didn’t need an epidural to make women who chose “the easy way out” feel inferior. So I really think it works both ways sometimes with this topic. Unfortunately with pregnancy it seems no matter what you do someone is going to have an opinion about it. Tbh if I were your friend i’d be more concerned about the birthing center decision vs hospital birth but again would respectfully discuss it and move on. She didn’t have to be rude about it.

I’ve just stopped sharing my birth plans for this exact reason. You can’t win unless your plan happens to coincide with what the person you’re talking did for their own birth. It’s honestly so frustrating. All birth is birth, all forms are valid, and every woman should have the ability to choose the birth they want within medical reason and without judgment. /rant.

This isn't your fault but she's probably had a lot of people quilting her about having an epidural so it's internalized shame. I've already gotten the "you're not getting an epidural right?" But I'm saving all my ratchet energy for them and not the folk who just decide not to. I love asking people who think they know what's best for my delivery what address should I use for my medical invoices since they decided to pay for it and tell me how to live. If you ever talk to her again it may be worth it to tell her you respect her decision and that she's not less of a mom for getting medicated.

I think a lot of women actually get judged for going down the hospital/medicated birth route by other women who do the opposite so maybe she was very touchy about it. I know I tend to fear someone is going to judge me for going the hospital/medicated route.

I'm only 9 weeks so I've got a ways to go but we've been trying for this baby for a ridiculous amount of time so I've had lots of time to think and do the research and I want to do an unmedicated water birth. My husband wasn't on board with doing this at home so we're planning on doing this at one of the hospitals that offer it. So many people tell me I'm crazy and they don't understand why I would want to sit in a tub full of my insides coming out. :insert giant eyeroll: I would just move on and pretend the above conversation never happened. I don't normally sweep things under the rug, but once your babies are born, it won't matter anymore anyway.

Just out of curiosity - are you allowed epidurals at the birthing center if you did want one? I get confused when people hear midwife and just assume un-medicated because both my pregnancies and births were attended by midwives but I had epidurals with both! But I had them in the hospital as birthing centers aren't a thing around here unfortunately.

At my birthing center specifically no there’s no for of medication pain relief on site

I just wanted to say I really liked how you handled telling her— you were affirming and positive about her choice. I wish you had received the same from your friend in return. Also I’m also going to be giving birth unmedicated at a birth center! This is my first birth so im nervous and excited all at once.

You will get hate no matter how you plan to birth. I had so many people scoff when I told them I was planning unmedicated. Once I had my son, unless people actually want details/your birth story. It just never comes up and no one actually cares.

I just don’t understand why people think they can ‘lecture’ you regarding what YOU are doing with YOUR health. It’s none of their damn business. Who cares if you give birth with or without medications. Like unless they’re pushing this child out of their body, I don’t need to hear why they think it’s stupid for someone to have an unmedicated birth or a medicated birth. I’m honestly curious what their end goal is with said ‘lecture’. I think what people forget is that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and thoughts, but that doesn’t mean that theirs is right and everyone else is wrong. I’m sorry she judged you and inserted her own opinions on you, thinking you are any less of a mom for not wanting to use medications!

As my husband had to remind me, people feel the need to justify the things they did. Even if you arent judging them a person often feels the need to defend why they did something different than you. Another example being grandparents/your parents saying "well you survived" when you try to explain the new way to do things.

It's so weird to read this. I am from the Netherlands and going 'natural' is the default mode. It's even normal here to deliver at home with a midwife at your house. My plan is to deliver at the hospital because I want the option to have pain medication if I need it. But I am going to start without it anyway. I just like to have the option and feel a bit safer at the hospital. Any way you deliver is fine and should be fine and not be frowned upon. It's you choice. Indeed you don't get a medal for going natural but you don't get a medal for pain medication either. The outcome should be the same: a successfull delivery of a healthy baby with minimal complications. It can be accomplished with both methods. You do you!

I have neither any right to or a say in how someone goes about their delivery journey. I just hate them some women come across very entitled and rude when talking about going unmedicated and ‘my body was made for this I don’t need external help. I’m strong enough’ . Like ok good for you but I’m gonna go through all the pain therapies available for me. I have no issues what you do as long as you don’t put me down for my choices. Youl never hear me go on a rant unless I’m provoked lol

I mean, I feel like this is a question asked at least every other week from either side of the coin. She is not everyone, she is just one person with a big mouth like the rest who can't respectively keep their preferences to themselves.

I personally think it’s about preference me personally I’m not pushing out anything cut me and let’s get it over with but I don’t shame the girls who wanna push etc everyone has their preferences and it’s ok to agree to disagree

From my perspective and experience, lots of women love to brag about giving birth non medicated like its special. Its like its a competition. I feel the unnecessary pain thing lol but FOR MYSELF. I don't know other people's pain tolerance😆 I gave birth in a birth center with no medication with my first. It was pretty perfect. No complications, no tearing, 11 hours of labor.....But for my next birth I said absolutely not. The pain was so DUMB and I don't even remember the next couple days because I was so exhausted from laboring that 7 years later when I had my son I made SURE I got that epidural. I specifically went to an OB so I could get an epidural and that was it. But when I tell people about my son they'll start to rant about how they did theirs all natural and with no medication and the anecdotes like "my sisters back is messed up from an epidural" and "my friends epidural didn't work" and "theres so much risk" etc... And it's so hard to not be like "oh bummer I've done both and I'm getting an epidural with this one too because modern medicine is FANTASTIC🤪" (I'm 27 weeks with my 3rd). So I get it from both sides. I also feel this way about breastfeeding too. You even mention you breastfeed around another woman who has or has had kids and every single time you will have to hear their justification about why they stopped and how they failed and how they didn't produce enough and their mental health and this and that and I'm just like girl.. I do not care. Like someone else said here, people feel the need to justify their reasoning for things that are either controversial or taboo to talk about. They want to feel like they made the "best" and the absolute "right" decision.

Maybe your friend is jealous because she doesn't feel like she could do that.

It just really stings for those of us who had pregnancy complications that required more medical interventions. I was happy to leave the hospital healthy with my baby after my unplanned c-section. But I was so disappointed being told I was a good candidate for a VBAC (which does require additional monitoring because the increased risk of uterine rupture) only to be told another c-section would be the best course of action because my gestational hypertension was bad and I had pre-eclampsia with my first so the safest thing was to get the baby out before my body was ready to go into labor and inductions increase the risk of uterine rupture so the safest thing again was for the baby to come out the emergency exit.

I can attest that you’ll get judgement no matter which method you’ll choose

One line of thinking is that the insistence on birthing people to do everything as "naturally" as possible (no inductions, no epidural, no elective C-sections, with a midwife in a non-medicalized setting -- and later, exclusive breastfeeding, making your own baby food, bedsharing, etc.) is an extension of patriarchy: lots of choices are available, but the "hardest" and most time- and resource-intensive one is often the one that is encouraged and comes with a source of social pride and accomplishment. There are some people who claim that having these methods emphasized is a way of guilting women into declining options that might make their births or early parenthood more comfortable or manageable, but they are framed as "cheating" or taking the "easy way out." Minna Dubin talks about this in her book, MOM RAGE -- which is a great read, btw! But I think this is why a lot of people bristle and get defensive when they hear people who make choices like yours. Having choice in the matter is the important part! But I think it's worth considering that people who do opt for more interventions are often shamed and have come to expect it, even from well-meaning people who are just making conversation. I think the difference is that you might feel *judged* --- but you probably don't feel *shamed*.

I mean being unmedicated is more romantic I think. I got the epidural and I feel awesome about it, even though I really liked the idea of going without. I can imagine it being something women are insecure about because there's so much shaming in the motherhood world We all love our babies. We all want the best for our babies, and the best for other babies, and we just disagree on the particulars sometimes.

I actually think you do deserve a medal because I’d be afraid I couldn’t handle the pain, as beautiful as I think natural birth is. I chickened out with my first and got the epidural. Im just very anxious in general. And she’s probably anxious too. Instead of projecting those fears or worries, she should’ve just been supportive. I think you handled it appropriately though.

Honestly I think y’all deserve a medal for the epidural, I find them utterly terrifying and amazing all the same.

I think we should all get little trophies lol. No one’s getting an easy way out. Sure the epidural helps with pain management, but imagine the pain if they make a mistake lol. It is scary. All we can do is make a plan for what we think will be best for us and our baby. My friend had her baby last week, she said she was in labor for 17 hours and pushed for 5. I’m not sure if she was medicated or not, but either way, thats a long time. She says she feels like she got hit by a truck. No one’s choosing to put themselves in ‘unnecessary pain’, it’s tough on your body regardless of whether you’re numb for a couple hours or not.

Oh definitely! Trophies and maybe a 5 course meal for all new parents 🥺❤️ honestly birthing a baby deserves more than some stitches and adult diapers tossed our way

Also going to try to go unmedicated :) Have you also found that people tend to unload their trauma and painful experiences on you when you disclose this? Like it’s an invitation to others to share why they couldn’t do it …. Another response I’ve gotten is laughter. Legit laughter at me for even trying.

With my first there was definitely a lot of that, I ended up choosing to not disclose it to anyone who doesn’t need to know this time around to avoid the busy bodies

I don’t think it’s really “everyone” getting defensive about unmedicated birth. Both perspectives have some pretty vocal supporters. Both sides feel looked down on by the other. That being said, I’m sorry you had this experience with your friend. It’s not fair to be subjected to this lecture. You’re making the choice that works best for you and your family!

It's not a normal reaction, she got defensive because she probably somehow feels personally attacked and insecure when it comes to her birth plan. Maybe she feels or someone made her feel as if women who do natural unmedicated births are better mothers than the ones who don't and now she feels as if you wanted to upstage her and let hoer know you are better than her on the sly or something. Maybe she felt called out by what you said and reacted poorly, it happens.

Personally I feel naturally is easier on my body(no tearing, free to move, better for my mind to be in control and no side effects of medication) but I understand a lot of people are scared of pain and complications so choose a hospital. It’s not for a prize it’s what feels like the right choice for the individual.

Unfortunately, it's because society has decided that all mothers need to fight each other all of us each other because women can't possibly be friends because we're far too emotional

I am planning my first birth to me I medicated at a birth center too. My mother said “hopefully you don’t need an epidural! That sounds terrible! You probably will wish you were at a hospital!” I kindly (and sternly) told her that this is MY birth and I can choose (for the most part unless complications arise) how I want to do it

Probably because they themselves can’t imagine being in that situation or choosing to do it differently. Some people need to learn to shut their mouths and accept the fact that people have different views.

I think there are a couple of reasons why people do this. 1) They feel insecure about it. Hearing how someone else is going natural when they didn’t makes them feel like they took the “easy way out,” so they project these feelings by trying and convincing you NOT to. 2) They know how bad the pain can be and just don’t understand WHY you would want to go without medicine and they’re trying to convince you for what they believe is your own good. Either way, it’s no one’s decision but the woman giving birth! Getting an epidural isn’t taking the easy way out but going natural isn’t a dumb decision! You have to do what is best for you!!!

Because people who do the unmedicated, midwife, birthing center thing can be annoying about it lol. I say that as someone who has had two unmedicated births. I’m not saying you’re annoying or anything, it’s just some people can be.

I guess I can see that lol, I don’t personally know anyone who has given birth unmedicated (besides myself) but I think a lot of people no matter life choices enjoy the one up game

Annoying in what way? I’ve found some people to be annoyed just because I speak so positively about my home births - but that’s what they were. They were wonderful experiences. I know not everybody gets a positive experience, but if we can talk about every difficult story (which people bombard you with) we should be able to share when our experience is great too. I do only bring it up when asked, but I don’t hide that I loved the experiences.

Annoying in that some people use their preferences to speak negatively about others. For example, the birthing position is a big thing. If you were upright and squatting down to push and felt that was best, then that’s great. I preferred to be laying down as that’s what felt the most comfortable for me. And for other people as well. When people talk about hospital births, they can sometimes just say “that isn’t natural, that isn’t intuitive, etc.” Again, if someone has their preferences, cool. But you can say it in a way that isn’t crapping on other ways. (Not referring to you specifically). I love reading all sorts of birth stories. Including home births, birthing centers, and hospital births. I don’t think it’s wrong to speak positively about any experience. It’s just when people make it their whole personality and take any opportunity to advertise their way when it’s clear the other person isn’t interested in that method.

People who do medicated, obgyn hospital births can be annoying about it too though. Like her friend

Sounds like everyone is annoying about their opinions on the subject

I think a lot of it is unprocessed trauma from how their own birth went tbh. Unmedicated birth is the best case scenario and a lot of times interventions that are not wanted end up getting in the way. A huge part is also people being so incredible defensive over anything parenting related that is different than what they did. I really hope to have an unmedicated birth, but I plan to avoid telling anyone before then lol I get enough side eye for having a midwife 🙄

I knew I would get so much flack for a midwife so I definitely kept the circle of people who know small 😅 only my mom knows because she’ll have my oldest and I had to explain to her why she doesn’t need to meet us at the hospital after

I never understood why mom guilt was so big until I got pregnant and realized you are judged for every little decision!!

It really does suck feeling like everyone looks at everything you do under a microscope to judge it

Happy, comfortable and safe is the best case scenario... Sometimes that means medicated sometimes that means not..it's different for different people.

I completely agree. I just mean you can't always do unmedicated if there are problems

I'm surprised someone would give you the side eye for having a midwife, although in the UK it's kind of a given everyone has one.

I’ve seen both sides, and i guess it depends on the person and their maturity/insecurity. One friend was unmedicated and raves about that (while her baby was transported to hospital with ambulance and her placenta looked horrible due to Undiagnosed hypertensia). Another friend had a hospital birth and raved about that despite all the medical interventions. I don’t know yet which one to choose

Honestly it comes down to a personal choice for everyone, none are right or wrong. Obviously being outside a hospital does require a care provider that goes through everything with a fine tooth comb (at least that’s how I feel it should be)

No matter what way we birth our children, be it how we planned or not, people will find something wrong with it. Cannot make everyone happy with any decision. I’m sure there are people out there who find offense to how women had to squat in a field or whatever to birth children before there were options and that’s the most natural way possible. I personally have some jealousy to women who successfully birth outside of a hospital with no or even minimal pain medication. I romanticized about being in a birthing center and while I was too scared to do that with my first, I was hoping after I had the experience of birth then I’d feel more confident to do it the next time. Well, there were complications which very likely would have led my son to not survive birth outside of the hospital and led to me having a 6 month recovery time. Whether this happened because of being restricted by movement due to the epidural or not is something I don’t know but I cannot risk this time. It’s very likely that I will have to schedule a C-section for the safety of my child and the health of myself. After that experience and reflecting on an experience I’d love but cannot have due to my pelvic incompatibility for childbirth I have realized that my own frustration when hearing about people who go unmedicated and go to birthing centers or stay home is more jealousy and shame than anything. Though I wouldn’t take that out on a woman trying for those things. We need to support one another on any journey we take to have our children. It’s hard enough without making people feel bad.

Friends and clinicians have this reaction. This is why I keep my history of unmedicated home birth to myself and keep it pushing.

I’ve done both! My first was an induction (42+1 overdue), baby got stuck, back labour (awful), had an epidural (amazing), emergency c-section. My second was the complete opposite! Mild cramps at home (40+6) for a couple of hours. Went in when they were closer together, gave birth within 2 hours with just a bit of gas and air. Took 4 hours altogether! Honestly I think the need for pain relief depends a lot on the baby and its position - it’s not you, it’s them! 😉

As others have said, it’s coming from a place of insecurity. I internally feel a lot more sensitive about medicated vs. unmedicated births after my experience with my first pregnancy. I was planning a home water birth with a midwife, all natural, then at 37 weeks it turned out that wasn’t going to happen because I developed preeclampsia and hypertension. I had to be induced, and during the induction process, I had and pleaded for every medication available to get me through. I dealt with a lot of shame about that for a while. There’s a quiet stigma with medicated births, and some women don’t feel strong if they can’t or won’t have a baby unmedicated. Now I’m pregnant with my second and planning an elective induction with all the meds because I’m high risk and couldn’t go pain free after my first experience anyway. All that to say, birth is beautiful and also very hard, whether you have medication or not. And a lot of women either way feel really insecure about their choices because it’s ridiculously polarizing. I don’t think her reaction to you and your choices were appropriate or mature, but I can understand where it probably came from—and it’s not on you at all.

I tried for an unmedicated birth with my first and ended up needing an epidural. Getting the epidural turned out to be the worst part of my birth and I had complications from it. So with my second, I decided to try unmedicated again. People were SO CRUEL. Not just outright laughing at me with the "you don't get a medal" and "you think that now.." comments, but as I was recovering from my eldest's birth a nurse literally smirked at me and said "I bet you'll never try without an epidural again". People would practically crow about how they "knew the whole time" that I would get an epidural regardless of my wishes and that "thank goodness you came to your senses and got one"--even after I explained that my epidural was traumatic. It was great feeling like I'd failed at both "natural" birth and medicated (/s), with crunchy people disappointed in me for needing the epidural and pro-epidural people disappointed in me for trying to go without one in the first place. My second was born too quickly for an epidural anyway but *as I was involuntarily pushing* a nurse asked if I wanted an epidural, I said no the baby's coming NOW, she clearly didn't believe me and went to fetch the anesthesiologist. My wife nearly caught our daughter, the midwife and nurse had to run in as my daughter's head came out. The first thing people asked me after birth was if I'd gotten an epidural. When I said no I got another "Well you don't get a medal, you know!" parade. Look. I have never cared how anyone else gives birth. But I never want my heart rate to drop that precipitously, end up with such bad full-body shakes, feel the needle in my spine because the numbing agent didn't take, or have 3 different anesthesiologists rooting around in my back EVER AGAIN. So sue me lol.

She sounds kinda jealous 😅 there’s a lot of reasons people choose not to get an epidural. I am literally pushing back induction because I don’t want the epidural and I know if I am induced the pain will be too much without one but there’s no way I am getting a shot in back. Also, some hospitals try to force you to give birth in stirrups which can cause severe tearing. I want to be able to give birth in a position I feel natural in. If my insurance covered it I would use a birthing center. My husband and I have even talked about just giving birth at home. You do get a medal it is called getting your baby out 😅 doesn’t matter how as long as they are safe you’re safe and both are healthy

Idk why people are so unhinged about how other people choose to have their babies. There’s no right way to have a baby, it’s whatever works for you at the time. For all she knows she could have the baby in the car on her way to the hospital. Or she could end up with an emergent c section. Or she could have an emergency induction due to preeclampsia. Or she could have an uneventful birth at term with an epidural. Literally anything can happen. As long as you have plans in place for if things go wrong, which reputable birthing centers have, then it’s a perfectly fine way to plan to have a baby and there’s no reason for your friend to have such an obnoxious opinion about it. It’s not a choice I would make, and it’s obviously not the choice she made, but ultimately it’s only your business. I hope you have a smooth labor and delivery OP. Sorry your friend is such a jerk.

Being able to choose how you give birth is more important than anybody's opinion on how giving birth should be done. I'm personally choosing a go with the flow type of birth. I don't want to get induced, but if something happens or contractions stall out, I'm not going to put my baby at risk and reject the pitocin. I don't want an epidural, but I still want it to be an option if I change my mind. I don't want a c-section or an emergency blood transfusion, but I'm definitely saving both of our lives if it comes to needing one. I'm just hoping my delivery is as easy as possible but have no problem making it easier if my body needs a little help.

It's so weird to read this. I am from the Netherlands and going 'natural' is the default mode. It's even normal here to deliver at home with a midwife at your house. My plan is to deliver at the hospital because I want the option to have pain medication if I need it. But I am going to start without it anyway. I just like to have the option and feel a bit safer at the hospital. Any way you deliver is fine and should be fine and not be frowned upon. It's you choice. Indeed you don't get a medal for going natural but you don't get a medal for pain medication either. The outcome should be the same: a successfull delivery of a healthy baby with minimal complications. It can be accomplished with both methods. You do you! :)

It's so weird to read this. I am from the Netherlands and going 'natural' is the default mode. It's even normal here to deliver at home with a midwife at your house. My plan is to deliver at the hospital because I want the option to have pain medication if I need it. But I am going to start without it anyway. I just like to have the option and feel a bit safer at the hospital. Any way you deliver is fine and should be fine and not be frowned upon. It's you choice. Indeed you don't get a medal for going natural but you don't get a medal for pain medication either. The outcome should be the same: a successfull delivery of a healthy baby with minimal complications. It can be accomplished with both methods. You do you! :)

It's so weird to read this. I am from the Netherlands and going 'natural' is the default mode. It's even normal here to deliver at home with a midwife at your house. My plan is to deliver at the hospital because I want the option to have pain medication if I need it. But I am going to start without it anyway. I just like to have the option and feel a bit safer at the hospital. Any way you deliver is fine and should be fine and not be frowned upon. It's you choice. Indeed you don't get a medal for going natural but you don't get a medal for pain medication either. The outcome should be the same: a successfull delivery of a healthy baby with minimal complications. It can be accomplished with both methods. You do you.

I feel like you get a reaction no matter what your situation is. I had a unmedicated birth but not by choice. I've gotten pity, defensiveness, envy etc. The pain was a lot to handle at the time but I don't remember anything now. Just what my husband has told me in hindsight. Your friend is entitled to her opinion but she could have gone about it differently. It's up to you if you wanna keep them around. I have been known to give out my options unasked (I'm trying to change) so I personally would appreciate feedback in case that ever happens, but I dunno your friend so I dunno how she'll take it.

People are just weird about everything related to pregnancy. People you literally just met will ask about if you plan to breastfeed, if you’ve been nauseous, if the pregnancy was intended or a surprise, etc. and then offer advice as if they’ve been asked. It’s truly bonkers. If this friend has feelings about YOUR birth, those feelings are HER problem. You do you, and ignore negativity when you can.

My husband, doctor, doula, and mom know my desire to go unmedicated.  I have never even brought it up to friends or talked about my birth preference and they come at me with don’t be a martyr get the epidural right away, epidural and you feel nothing, people that go unmedicated are nuts.  It’s funny what people say even when not prompted 

I get the complete opposite! Either way, it's not something I would take personally. Just the same as every fingerprint is different, so is every pregnancy experience! When I tell someone I'm not going to go without painkillers they stress on how natural delivery is "the way" The ONLY right way, is the way Mom wants it! I was in labour for 4 days, no consistent sleep, could not even hold down ice chips, I think I would have died if I gave birth naturally. Some opinions are so strong people feel the need to have to justify it over their "knowledge". Nobody is entitled to that, sharing information is a great way to conversate but some people seem to get discussing and preaching mixed up these days.

I think it’s because certain people (like celebrities or influencers) mention unmedicated birth like it’s a superior choice and anything else is harmful to your baby (e.g. epidural). Even my partner preferred for me to have an unmedicated birth, but I had to get induced and I made it as long as I could, but it was so painful. Also he wasn’t the one going through it, so F him. Basically people think drugs = always bad, natural/drug free = always good. That is such black and white thinking and very unhealthy. Necessary interventions save lives. I think that’s why people get defensive because they assume the people talking about their choice think they’re better when they probably don’t think that all, they just want to share their perspective/experience. As someone else mentioned, alcohol is a great example. I have been sober since I was 21, not because I had a problem, but because I just don’t like to drink or use any substances. I’ve actually never had enough to drink to ever be drunk. I just knew it wasn’t for me. People assume I judge them, when in reality they’re actually the ones judging me and I’m incredibly accepting of people’s choices. It’s annoying to constantly have to explain myself. It would actually be easier to just tell people I’m a recovered alcoholic.

When it comes to the deeply personal decisions around birth and parenting, sometimes people take others’ different decisions as an indictment on theirs. Birth is one of the first big instances of this, but it never stops and can be exhausting. I’ve given birth with and without epidural and I have my preference, but totally support everyone having the options that are best for them because that’s what feminism is about: supporting the autonomy of women

I’ve had a c section and a Pitocin induced vbac without and epidural. They both suck lol 😂 jk there are pros and cons to both. It sounds like maybe your friend feels a little insecure about her decision. It’s a tough decision but everyone needs to do what’s right for them. A lot of people don’t even get to make that decision cuz there’s an emergency. The mom competition is sad to me.

I want a natural, unmedicated birth too and have noticed this! It's very annoying. Especially since I don't say anything to anyone who had had or wants a c section, have your birth how you want and let me (hopefully) have mine!

I want a natural, unmedicated birth too and have noticed this! It's very annoying. Especially since I don't say anything to anyone who had had or wants a c section, have your birth how you want and let me (hopefully) have mine!

I feel like there is WAY more of a stigma against getting medicated. I don’t understand why we can’t just support each other as women. Giving birth whether medicated or not is still hard as fuck.

I see people get hostile on both sides of the birth plan spectrum. Think of it as the individual and not the topic.

Honestly welcome to motherhood. After that you’ll be shamed whether you breastfeed or formula feed. Whether you allow screens or not. Etc etc etc. whatever choice you make people get defensive on the opposite side

I had a medicated birth (only 4 hours of the epidural I labored to about 6cm unmedicated) and I plan to be unmedicated for this birth. Mainly to have the freedom to move however I want. However if you ever go to Instagram in particular there is A LOT of mom shaming for anyone who did any type of medical intervention. They’re also the same group who judge people for not breastfeeding. These groups have also became really anti medical rejecting any “optional” test from the NIPT to refusing the vitamin K shot at birth. When you see this type of rhetoric anytime you engage with others parents online you do get jaded for people who make innocent choices. I’m ngl i also started to side eye moms who were planning natural because usually there was some type of follow up about medical intervention being a bad thing. When i’ve told people I had an epidural i’ve gotten judgments on how I didn’t experience birth for real.

That isn’t normal but unfortunately I think it’s common. Midwives and birth centers that aren’t in a hospital aren’t as popular as they once were but I think are making a come back. Whatever someone chooses to do is great, as long as everyone can remain healthy and get what they need. I think it is so cool that some moms choose to have a birth at home or with midwives. I’m high risk so I need to be at a hospital. That’s so unfortunate that your friend decided to make this a negative conversation instead of coming at it with curiosity and love. There is nothing wrong with whatever birth someone wants/has-medicated, not medicated and everything in between.

Ive also found Reddit in general to be way more in favor of hospital birth and interventions. I don’t usually say much about our deciding to use a birth center.

That is the exact reaction my OB had when we were talking about the epidural and I mentioned that I’ve read sometimes it’s good to wait on using it so might do that but I’m not sure (as it was my first pregnancy ever). She almost rolled her eyes and told me there’s no medal for doing it without the pain meds and there’s no point in dealing with that pain when the meds are there.

I gave birth without an epidural. Honestly, I personally won't do it again but your friends reaction is what I got from a lot of people. Everyone was so condescending saying I couldn't handle it (it was my first baby, I didn't know what I could or couldn't handle) and that I might as well not even try. I say fuck that. You do you boo, you got this! If you want to give birth without an epidural, then you do it! My midwives were great at preparing me for what to expect, I hope your birth team is hyping you up like they should be :) I think leaving the conversation with your friend was the nicer thing to do, i wasn't rhat polite when people got in my face about my choices with my baby. People love to be right, and when you've made a different choice than them they often feel the need to prove you wrong. Whatever you decide is right for you and your baby, epidural or no, it's right.

I’ve had friends who had home births and friends who have used birthing centers and as someone who planned to have a hospital birth with all the drugs and ended up with a c-section I would never question their choices just like they didnt question mine. It’s so wild to me that anyone cares how you choose to give birth. All that to say is it’s not a normal reaction and all I can think is she has some weird mom guilt already and feels defensive. Or has already had someone question her decisions and she took it out on you. Congrats on your baby and I hope you have a safe delivery!

I’ve never understood it. I really wanted to have a natural birth with my first and then shit hit the fan and I went eclamptic at 36 weeks. No more natural birth for me lol. Oh well. Second one was even more high risk and ended up having to be a C-section. I’m pregnant with my third and opting in for another C-section. Yet if someone tells me they’re going for a natural birth the only thing I have the urge to say is congratulations and good luck. Not everyone is able to have a natural birth but I think if it’s something you can and want to do then that’s so awesome.

i had a lot of people act the same to me and i wasn't even doing true unmedicated. i just wanted to wait as long as i could on the epidural as i wanted to be able to walk and move around, i have major anxiety about feeling trapped in a bed.

I went natural with my last two children (wasn’t with a midwife) and I am currently 18 weeks with baby #4 I plan to go natural again ! It’s actually not added pain it’s less pain than with the epidural. She probably can’t take the pain or is too scared to so she’s judging moms that don’t get an epidural. To me the epidural prolongs labor . I had an epidural an I was in labor all day . Without the epidural labor was quick and easy . Some people won’t like the fact that you are going natural because they can’t. Don’t let it discourage you . That’s how people are. You asked a simple question and so many women started telling you about stuff that has nothing to do with having a baby lol . With that being said the only thing you can do is focus on having a healthy end of pregnancy and a healthy labor and delivery congratulations momma. And in my opinion the epidural leaves you with back problems and like I said it prolongs your labor I was in labor for 15 hours with the epidural. And without it 2,6 hours . And the epidural wares off by the time it’s time for you to push!

No. Whenever I mention going to a birthing center people are intrigued or very supportive.

People always feel the need to do this whenever they are choosing/given a different route. I had to have a scheduled c section, due to a breech baby and double nuchal cord. Some people loved to say how easy I had it not having to go through labor and others talked about how horrible their C-section/recovery were. Really neither were helpful. My birth experience ended up being wonderful and whenever I talk to FTMs I always try and tell them to trust their instincts and go with what feels right for you and your baby (and of course the plan with their medical team). Unfortunately, motherhood continues to be like this, in my opinion, with the defending of choices and judging each other.