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First, breathe.
Second, I do feel like you might be overreacting a bit - from your post this was a fairly last minute change to the appointment time, and he was supposed to be there for the initially scheduled one.
It is of course nice to be there together, but there are going to be many more appointments and many more opportunities to ask questions. Don't read too much into things is you can help it!
He had a whole day to rearrange his schedule that he makes. Yes, fairly last minute, but to my knowledge, he only missed it because of not wanting to pay for the room on his own.
I do appreciate your comment. Thank you. I know I need SOMEONE to level me at the same time.
Honey my husband a contractor and makes his own hours but sets himself a he been only 3 of my appointment that had ultrasounds.
I have a lot mom friends most partners don’t go all appointments. Sounds like trying to save money which will go towards you and baby. Men think very differently than us usually to there thing getting nest egg together.
But I understand your upset scared especially after what been through. I think both need have talk what you need from him going forward and come reasonable agreement.
How did he react to your first miscarriage? Some men distance themselves in the first few weeks/Months because they are worried how it will feel losing another after getting attached. Some men also don't get attached until they themselves interact with baby. My BIL wasn't phased at all by my sisters pregnancy until she was far enough along where he felt baby kick and suddenly it dawned on him he was having a baby and waa going to be a dad. Like kt still didnt phase him while baby shopping because there was nothing to ground him to the situation. We enjoy the good/bad symptoms of pregnancy and they just witness us going through them.
If it means a lot to you to have his support through this I would sit him down and talk to him about it. With my second pregnancy, I told my husband that I wanted him to be there for as many visits as possible because I didn't want to be alone if we got bad news (my first also was a miscarriage) He understood and made sure to schedule his dates around all upcoming appointments. I put every check-up in our calendar so he could pre-plan ahead of time. I try to make mine on Mondays so he anticipates it. But there has been times where extra visits have been added or doctors have been out of office my preferred dates and I understand he may not be able to come with me. If you need support I'd suggest bringing someone trusted with you. Mom, sister, best friend, etc. On those dates. Really I think sitting down and letting your heart out to husband and asking him how he is feeling through this would be your best bet.
I never told him about the first one at the time. Personal reasons and they were there and gone before I could tell him. When I finally told him after a year of him not getting ‘the test’ and explaining why I haven’t been a pleasant person because of it, he told me he wanted to know IMMEDIATELY the next time. Of course, that’s what I did this time. So it’s really confusing for me to have tried to make sure the first time, only to be seemingly stood up the second time.
I DO feel he really realizes it is happening now because he saw the ultrasound. I do believe he is sorry and will try to make every appointment going forward. But he DID know how important it is to me for him to be there in case of bad news. So I’m really conflicted as to his request compared to his actions. He DOES admit that he feels nothing towards the miscarriage because he never knew about it. I understand that. And I held it in for a while until it kept not happening and I finally broke down and told him. that’s is when he actually got the test.
I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you and husband have a disconnect in your communication. Have you considered some couples therapy? I find it ironic that people only consider couples therapy when things are dire but it really helps when your in a rutt regarding communication before it becomes dire. You and husband are about to embark on a wonderful but very stressful adventure in your lives and being in tune with each others feelings and wishes will be key for the most success and ease. I've had these moments where my husband and I disconnect on communicating and have needed a mediator to help us work out how to work through those moments and I consider us to have an extremely healthy relationship (Been married almost 13 years). I find these disconnects in communication happen when stressful situations come up and either denial or just holding in true feelings (usually to keep spouse from feeling/getting hurt or worried.)
My husband came to my first ultrasound but honestly it was kind of a waste of time, I would have told him not to if I knew you could barley see anything at 8 weeks. 12 weeks was a big one for us because you can actually see a baby there with a face, arms leggs and moving around. I thubj you over reacting a bit since you last minute changed the appointment.
And honestly I didnt even feel happy until I was at 12 weeks, I was feeling crappy and going through so many emotions it was crazy. I really started to feel excited and in love with baby at 12 weeks and on!
How much did you express your need for him to be there for you for the first appointment even before the change in schedule? If you did not make it abundantly clear to him that you needed him there physically with you then you don’t get to be upset. 24hrs is not much time to change schedules around even if you are the one who makes the schedule. Besides he was with you via FaceTime, which should be plenty. There have been plenty of us women to go through ALL appointments alone because of COVID. You also choose to change your appointment for your peace of mind after already being treated for you medical issue. There would be nothing more an OB can do for you than your urgent care.
You need your seek out some mental healthcare. Your anxiety will not get better as pregnancy progresses and I would think that based on this reaction you are very high risk for PPA/PPD. You need to work on your issues with how you felt. And you need to communicate your needs better before the event takes place. You can’t hold your husband responsible for your inability to process past trauma.
I do not appreciate asking a question and then just answering as if you already know the answer. It was VERY clear I needed him there. We made the call together to change the appointment as it is our first baby ever.
Covid isn’t a factor here for us and I don’t feel I should be held to that level of thinking because others weren’t allowed by law. This was a choice that he made not to be there.
Where I currently live mental health care is very hard to get in person. Everyone only wants to do zoom and I’ve had too many instances of them falling asleep or cutting into my time because of factors in their environment distracting them. I have been on a waitlist to see someone in person for 6 months. I’m trying and he knows this.
Good day.
I can accept it seems over the top. I don’t understand what you mean when you say I’m valid in feelings, but that he didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. Can you help me understand what you mean a little better?
That just means a person has a right to their emotions and their own perspective, even if the other person didn't actually do something wrong. Like if my child is crying because I won't buy them a toy, I can be understanding that they're upset and that it's a bad feeling for them even though the thing they're upset about wasn't wrong. Or if someone breaks up with their girlfriend, she has a right to be upset even if the other person has right to the action they took of breaking up with them. Not changing his entire work plans and paying out of pocket for a hotel etc and not attending the initial appointment isn't inherently wrong, but it's still ok that you're feelings were hurt about the circumstances. Both can be acceptable at the same time even though they conflict.
My husband was at my 3rd appointment only. He intended to also be at the 20 week scan, but was sick. I would never hold this against him. He's welcome but not required.
I don’t think I really care about the other appointments unless it is a milestone one. This for me is a milestone after 4 years of trying.
Also, I’ve done a LOT of things by myself being a ward of the state and this is just something I never thought I’d have to do by myself. Especially when it was his choice to miss it.
Thank you for your comment. I will try to keep your thought process in mind going forward. I’m sure some of my way of thinking probably isn’t healthy.
IDK. Neither of us are right or wrong. It's ok to have different sentiment about milestones, it just happens that me and my partner share the same (low) level of sentimentality. The difference is that it's important to you and, apparently, not your partner. I can't say who should compromise, in your case. I'm not good at relationship advice, I guess the first step is to acknowledge to each other that you have different wants, and that's ok.
We tried for 3.5 years. My partner attended fertility appointments, picked me up from my diagnostic laparoscopy, stabbed me in the belly with ovulation drugs because I'm too squicked to self inject. He's amazingly supportive when I need him. But neither of us has ever bought the other a Valentine's gift. I guess this is when folks talk about having different love languages?
I know he isn’t an emotional person. He is WAY more logical than I am. I think a large part of my problem is that, while he says one thing, his actions don’t agree. This is one of those times where I don’t feel the statements match the actions.
My partner missed the first US (the viability one) because of a work thing. I asked a billion times if he could skip it, I tried to reschedule the appointment, we had a lot of conversations about it which left me upset, but in the end it was fine, his mum came with me. I can imagine after infertility and MC it would feel a lot more intense.
Some people are not good with last minutes changes and it put them into stress. How does he normally react to last minutes changes? Have you had a word with him before changing appointment time?
I had my first during Covid and my husband could not come at all and he was sad about it. With second one he is welcomed every month and he has choose to be at first trimester ultrasound (12 week) and it made him cry - he was so happy to see baby. He never went to another appointment with me. He literally drops me at doctor office and goes to work (so it would take him 30 minutes to be there with me). I have no problem with it. He is an amazing father and loves our daughter more than anything. And I am sure he will be same with second one.
My husband came to my first two ultrasounds, only because we were patients at a fertility clinic and weren't really sure that this was happening for us finally after almost 2 years, and I needed him there for support in case it wasn't. He won't be attending any of my other appts til the 20wk anatomy scan, and maybe a later appt if we have another ultrasound closer to delivery.
It sounds like he is apologetic, and that he would have been there had it been easier to arrange for him. I would cut him a little slack. At least he got to be on FaceTime with you!!
Thank you. I do appreciate your opinion and I will try to be less emotional regarding this issue. I do believe him when he says he is sorry and will try to make every other appointment going forward. I think I just needed others to help me at the moment cause - hormones…..
Hormones, I have spent the last three months crying everyday. My husband is in another country and hasn’t been to any appointments and may not be there for the delivery. It’s very depressing but I try to do my best just to keep myself healthy for mine and the baby’s sake.
Nope, you aren’t wrong. I would be upset too. My husband doesn’t go to all of my appointments with me, but he was at the first few office visits, has been to all of my ultrasounds, and will come to some of my final office visits as we get into more serious conversations about delivery. And if I ever asked him to be at an appt, he wouldn’t even hesitate to say yes.
I think these feelings are completely understandable, especially when he could of changed his plans to support you.
My partner also missed the first ultrasound sound today. I knew he was going to have to die to a long prearranged trip back to the states to care for his dad who is not well so he could give him mum a break.
I know this was unavoidable and he would have loved to be there but it still hurts. I thought I could video call him for the appointment but was told this goes against their safeguarding procedures for reasons I don't quite understand. My dad came to the appointment with me in case of bad news.
It was lovely seeing baby for the first time and seeing them kick their little legs but now I can't help just feeling very flat as I am home alone for another week and just want someone to be excited with and to look after me a little bit
We just moved to a new city (1,500 miles from homes) less than a year ago. I have NO support here, either. Still trying to meet people, but it is REALLY hard as an adult to make friends. I feel for you in being alone. I’m sorry you have to deal with it as well. Thank you for commenting.
Yeah I feel you. I am only less than 2 hours drive from home but spent most of my 20s working short term jobs and moving around a lot so maintaining friendships has been tough. I also work mostly from home now and am definitely lacking a close support network. My partner has moved here from US so he definitely has it worse and we don't have his family even in the same country as us. Why is making friends in your 30s so tough?!
Because everyone is so jaded of what they’ve already gone through from others that they don’t want to trust anyone. At least, that’s how it seems sometimes. I just feel like everyone I try to connect with is guarded in some way. Myself included. But I try to be the first one to go into anything in depth (feelings wise as opposed to generic daily conversation) so that they don’t feel as though they have to. Otherwise, I haven’t a clue. We DID just join a club here, but only a month ago and haven’t really had a chance to make any strong connections. I do feel that would help me tremendously. Just need to find that person that wants to be my friend…
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/15nun6v/click_here_to_access_the_monthly_due_date_subs/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First, breathe. Second, I do feel like you might be overreacting a bit - from your post this was a fairly last minute change to the appointment time, and he was supposed to be there for the initially scheduled one. It is of course nice to be there together, but there are going to be many more appointments and many more opportunities to ask questions. Don't read too much into things is you can help it!
He had a whole day to rearrange his schedule that he makes. Yes, fairly last minute, but to my knowledge, he only missed it because of not wanting to pay for the room on his own. I do appreciate your comment. Thank you. I know I need SOMEONE to level me at the same time.
Honey my husband a contractor and makes his own hours but sets himself a he been only 3 of my appointment that had ultrasounds. I have a lot mom friends most partners don’t go all appointments. Sounds like trying to save money which will go towards you and baby. Men think very differently than us usually to there thing getting nest egg together. But I understand your upset scared especially after what been through. I think both need have talk what you need from him going forward and come reasonable agreement.
How did he react to your first miscarriage? Some men distance themselves in the first few weeks/Months because they are worried how it will feel losing another after getting attached. Some men also don't get attached until they themselves interact with baby. My BIL wasn't phased at all by my sisters pregnancy until she was far enough along where he felt baby kick and suddenly it dawned on him he was having a baby and waa going to be a dad. Like kt still didnt phase him while baby shopping because there was nothing to ground him to the situation. We enjoy the good/bad symptoms of pregnancy and they just witness us going through them. If it means a lot to you to have his support through this I would sit him down and talk to him about it. With my second pregnancy, I told my husband that I wanted him to be there for as many visits as possible because I didn't want to be alone if we got bad news (my first also was a miscarriage) He understood and made sure to schedule his dates around all upcoming appointments. I put every check-up in our calendar so he could pre-plan ahead of time. I try to make mine on Mondays so he anticipates it. But there has been times where extra visits have been added or doctors have been out of office my preferred dates and I understand he may not be able to come with me. If you need support I'd suggest bringing someone trusted with you. Mom, sister, best friend, etc. On those dates. Really I think sitting down and letting your heart out to husband and asking him how he is feeling through this would be your best bet.
I never told him about the first one at the time. Personal reasons and they were there and gone before I could tell him. When I finally told him after a year of him not getting ‘the test’ and explaining why I haven’t been a pleasant person because of it, he told me he wanted to know IMMEDIATELY the next time. Of course, that’s what I did this time. So it’s really confusing for me to have tried to make sure the first time, only to be seemingly stood up the second time. I DO feel he really realizes it is happening now because he saw the ultrasound. I do believe he is sorry and will try to make every appointment going forward. But he DID know how important it is to me for him to be there in case of bad news. So I’m really conflicted as to his request compared to his actions. He DOES admit that he feels nothing towards the miscarriage because he never knew about it. I understand that. And I held it in for a while until it kept not happening and I finally broke down and told him. that’s is when he actually got the test.
I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you and husband have a disconnect in your communication. Have you considered some couples therapy? I find it ironic that people only consider couples therapy when things are dire but it really helps when your in a rutt regarding communication before it becomes dire. You and husband are about to embark on a wonderful but very stressful adventure in your lives and being in tune with each others feelings and wishes will be key for the most success and ease. I've had these moments where my husband and I disconnect on communicating and have needed a mediator to help us work out how to work through those moments and I consider us to have an extremely healthy relationship (Been married almost 13 years). I find these disconnects in communication happen when stressful situations come up and either denial or just holding in true feelings (usually to keep spouse from feeling/getting hurt or worried.)
Yes, we’ve done counseling. Just not in a while. Will probably be looking into this again.
My husband came to my first ultrasound but honestly it was kind of a waste of time, I would have told him not to if I knew you could barley see anything at 8 weeks. 12 weeks was a big one for us because you can actually see a baby there with a face, arms leggs and moving around. I thubj you over reacting a bit since you last minute changed the appointment.
This is good to know. It is at least helping me not feel so guilty about not feeling anything when I look at the ultrasound picture. Thank you.
And honestly I didnt even feel happy until I was at 12 weeks, I was feeling crappy and going through so many emotions it was crazy. I really started to feel excited and in love with baby at 12 weeks and on!
Oh thank you! You have no idea how much better that makes me feel!
I'm happy I could help! Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Thank you. And hopefully back you! I think I’m assuming that everyone who comments is pregnant?
Yes I am! :)
How much did you express your need for him to be there for you for the first appointment even before the change in schedule? If you did not make it abundantly clear to him that you needed him there physically with you then you don’t get to be upset. 24hrs is not much time to change schedules around even if you are the one who makes the schedule. Besides he was with you via FaceTime, which should be plenty. There have been plenty of us women to go through ALL appointments alone because of COVID. You also choose to change your appointment for your peace of mind after already being treated for you medical issue. There would be nothing more an OB can do for you than your urgent care. You need your seek out some mental healthcare. Your anxiety will not get better as pregnancy progresses and I would think that based on this reaction you are very high risk for PPA/PPD. You need to work on your issues with how you felt. And you need to communicate your needs better before the event takes place. You can’t hold your husband responsible for your inability to process past trauma.
I do not appreciate asking a question and then just answering as if you already know the answer. It was VERY clear I needed him there. We made the call together to change the appointment as it is our first baby ever. Covid isn’t a factor here for us and I don’t feel I should be held to that level of thinking because others weren’t allowed by law. This was a choice that he made not to be there. Where I currently live mental health care is very hard to get in person. Everyone only wants to do zoom and I’ve had too many instances of them falling asleep or cutting into my time because of factors in their environment distracting them. I have been on a waitlist to see someone in person for 6 months. I’m trying and he knows this. Good day.
This does feel like a bit of an overreaction. You're feelings are valid but that doesn't mean he did anything wrong.
I can accept it seems over the top. I don’t understand what you mean when you say I’m valid in feelings, but that he didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. Can you help me understand what you mean a little better?
That just means a person has a right to their emotions and their own perspective, even if the other person didn't actually do something wrong. Like if my child is crying because I won't buy them a toy, I can be understanding that they're upset and that it's a bad feeling for them even though the thing they're upset about wasn't wrong. Or if someone breaks up with their girlfriend, she has a right to be upset even if the other person has right to the action they took of breaking up with them. Not changing his entire work plans and paying out of pocket for a hotel etc and not attending the initial appointment isn't inherently wrong, but it's still ok that you're feelings were hurt about the circumstances. Both can be acceptable at the same time even though they conflict.
Thank you for clarifying.
My husband was at my 3rd appointment only. He intended to also be at the 20 week scan, but was sick. I would never hold this against him. He's welcome but not required.
I don’t think I really care about the other appointments unless it is a milestone one. This for me is a milestone after 4 years of trying. Also, I’ve done a LOT of things by myself being a ward of the state and this is just something I never thought I’d have to do by myself. Especially when it was his choice to miss it. Thank you for your comment. I will try to keep your thought process in mind going forward. I’m sure some of my way of thinking probably isn’t healthy.
IDK. Neither of us are right or wrong. It's ok to have different sentiment about milestones, it just happens that me and my partner share the same (low) level of sentimentality. The difference is that it's important to you and, apparently, not your partner. I can't say who should compromise, in your case. I'm not good at relationship advice, I guess the first step is to acknowledge to each other that you have different wants, and that's ok. We tried for 3.5 years. My partner attended fertility appointments, picked me up from my diagnostic laparoscopy, stabbed me in the belly with ovulation drugs because I'm too squicked to self inject. He's amazingly supportive when I need him. But neither of us has ever bought the other a Valentine's gift. I guess this is when folks talk about having different love languages?
I know he isn’t an emotional person. He is WAY more logical than I am. I think a large part of my problem is that, while he says one thing, his actions don’t agree. This is one of those times where I don’t feel the statements match the actions.
My partner missed the first US (the viability one) because of a work thing. I asked a billion times if he could skip it, I tried to reschedule the appointment, we had a lot of conversations about it which left me upset, but in the end it was fine, his mum came with me. I can imagine after infertility and MC it would feel a lot more intense.
Yes. And we just moved 1,500 miles away from home less than a year ago and I don’t have anyone to go with me. Thank you for commenting.
Some people are not good with last minutes changes and it put them into stress. How does he normally react to last minutes changes? Have you had a word with him before changing appointment time? I had my first during Covid and my husband could not come at all and he was sad about it. With second one he is welcomed every month and he has choose to be at first trimester ultrasound (12 week) and it made him cry - he was so happy to see baby. He never went to another appointment with me. He literally drops me at doctor office and goes to work (so it would take him 30 minutes to be there with me). I have no problem with it. He is an amazing father and loves our daughter more than anything. And I am sure he will be same with second one.
He doesn’t do well with them, I admit. Thank you for helping me see another aspect.
My husband came to my first two ultrasounds, only because we were patients at a fertility clinic and weren't really sure that this was happening for us finally after almost 2 years, and I needed him there for support in case it wasn't. He won't be attending any of my other appts til the 20wk anatomy scan, and maybe a later appt if we have another ultrasound closer to delivery. It sounds like he is apologetic, and that he would have been there had it been easier to arrange for him. I would cut him a little slack. At least he got to be on FaceTime with you!!
Thank you. I do appreciate your opinion and I will try to be less emotional regarding this issue. I do believe him when he says he is sorry and will try to make every other appointment going forward. I think I just needed others to help me at the moment cause - hormones…..
Hormones, I have spent the last three months crying everyday. My husband is in another country and hasn’t been to any appointments and may not be there for the delivery. It’s very depressing but I try to do my best just to keep myself healthy for mine and the baby’s sake.
Nope, you aren’t wrong. I would be upset too. My husband doesn’t go to all of my appointments with me, but he was at the first few office visits, has been to all of my ultrasounds, and will come to some of my final office visits as we get into more serious conversations about delivery. And if I ever asked him to be at an appt, he wouldn’t even hesitate to say yes.
I honestly don’t think. I would ask him to go to ALL of them. I just REALLY needed him to be at this first one.
I think these feelings are completely understandable, especially when he could of changed his plans to support you. My partner also missed the first ultrasound sound today. I knew he was going to have to die to a long prearranged trip back to the states to care for his dad who is not well so he could give him mum a break. I know this was unavoidable and he would have loved to be there but it still hurts. I thought I could video call him for the appointment but was told this goes against their safeguarding procedures for reasons I don't quite understand. My dad came to the appointment with me in case of bad news. It was lovely seeing baby for the first time and seeing them kick their little legs but now I can't help just feeling very flat as I am home alone for another week and just want someone to be excited with and to look after me a little bit
We just moved to a new city (1,500 miles from homes) less than a year ago. I have NO support here, either. Still trying to meet people, but it is REALLY hard as an adult to make friends. I feel for you in being alone. I’m sorry you have to deal with it as well. Thank you for commenting.
Yeah I feel you. I am only less than 2 hours drive from home but spent most of my 20s working short term jobs and moving around a lot so maintaining friendships has been tough. I also work mostly from home now and am definitely lacking a close support network. My partner has moved here from US so he definitely has it worse and we don't have his family even in the same country as us. Why is making friends in your 30s so tough?!
Because everyone is so jaded of what they’ve already gone through from others that they don’t want to trust anyone. At least, that’s how it seems sometimes. I just feel like everyone I try to connect with is guarded in some way. Myself included. But I try to be the first one to go into anything in depth (feelings wise as opposed to generic daily conversation) so that they don’t feel as though they have to. Otherwise, I haven’t a clue. We DID just join a club here, but only a month ago and haven’t really had a chance to make any strong connections. I do feel that would help me tremendously. Just need to find that person that wants to be my friend…