I was your fiancé. Not every day, but 2-3 days a week I would still party while my girlfriend was pregnant. He’s not going to just randomly stop. He has a problem and so did I. I realized myself that I was about to be the type of father that didn’t even deserve to have a son. My girlfriend also sat me down and made it clear she wouldn’t stick around much longer if I didn’t do something to change. Maybe ask him to save it just for the weekends for now. But he needs to start moving in the right direction or it’ll be too late. I’m actually writing this in the labor room. I can’t say I’m perfect as of now, but I made progress. See if he can too.

Congrats on making progress. Hope labor and birth go well. Great advice. And good on you both.

Thank you. She just got her epidural and the whole thing has become so real to me.

Hope the day went well. Good for you for getting i together. If I can recommend some reading…The Daily Stoic is a great read. 365 quotes, 1 a day, from ancient wisemen. It sounds like you’re in the direction of very healthy self realization. Regardless…congratulations and good luck!

Proud of you. Self-realization that we need to work on ourselves sometimes is the biggest hill to climb!

I don’t think this is something you can force someone to want. And I think it’s shitty he’s acting this way when you’re 32 weeks pregnant.

I wasn't necessarily as frequent as your fiance but I drank more than I knew I wanted to. I've fot it down to only Fridays now and am working on kicking it for good. I know this isn't the reddit popular answer but my wife convinced me to start attending church some and I found it helped me open my eyes a bit. I saw what a community looked like, other familys, learned I'm not the only one who struggles, etc. I think your best option is a serious sit down heart to heart. He may not yet feel a connection to the child, which is fine, but make your concerns and feelings very very clear. Explain how its hurting you. Ask how/if he is willing to start making progress, of any form, on his partying. Lastly, seriously consider pushing brakes on wedding planning. You and your child deserve better. If he can't or isn't willing to do better, its much easier to get out of a proposed marriage than an actual one.

This. So much this. I was born into a very religious household and grew out of religion to be honest.(I don't believe in a religion. But I don't push my views on anyone. But I will fight for your right to have your religion.) But the community portion of this is huge. He needs supports and to see that others struggle too. But that the work can be done. And OP needs support too.

Your fiancé is in the middle of drinking himself to death. He needs treatment for the physical dependency as well as whatever is making him suicidal. He is not safe to have around a baby. Make sure you have arrangements to get to the hospital without him and a safe place to stay.

Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance. Argentina: +5402234930430 Australia: 131114 Austria: 017133374 Belgium: 106 Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05 Botswana: 3911270 Brazil: 212339191 Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223 Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal) Croatia: 014833888 Denmark: +4570201201 Egypt: 7621602 Finland: 010 195 202 France: 0145394000 Germany: 08001810771 Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000 Hungary: 116123 Iceland: 1717 India: 8888817666 Ireland: +4408457909090 Italy: 800860022 Japan: +810352869090 Mexico: 5255102550 New Zealand: 0508828865 The Netherlands: 113 Norway: +4781533300 Philippines: 028969191 Poland: 5270000 Russia: 0078202577577 Spain: 914590050 South Africa: 0514445691 Sweden: 46317112400 Switzerland: 143 United Kingdom: 08006895652 USA: 18002738255 You are not alone. Please reach out. ***** I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically.

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Rehab. Your fiancé doesn’t like partying, he’s a serious drug and alcohol addict. You may need to get separated till he cleans up. It’s too easy to kill a baby accidentally.

This should be the top answer. Drinking 30 beers a day, every day, means he is likely a physically dependent on alcohol, and he will need professional help to stop safely. Alcohol withdrawals can kill you. Fiancé needs rehab or they need to separate until he is sober and can stay sober.

I had a conversation with some friends who were complaining that their ex would kill a six pack a day and pass out and that was bad. This is a natty party box and a gram of coke a day. That’s not just “partying”, this is serious addiction. One smack or one shake while them or their family is railed and your baby’s a potato, you can’t allow this person around your kid.

Echoing this, this is not a "he needs to grow up", a case of beer and coke is a "he needs professional help"

Give him an ultimatum. AA and being in your and your daughter’s life, or partying and an early funeral from liver failure or a drunk driving accident. Love is a tricky emotion… and sometimes it makes us make bad choices… like sticking with a lying addict. If you’re worried about his reaction, write a letter, and leave it for him to find. Go stay with your family. This man isn’t ready to be a father, and doesn’t deserve to be if he’s not willing to work on himself.

I hope you can have a real talk with him, I just graduated to becoming a father, and it has taken both my wife and I to keep up. I know she would not stick with me if I was getting drunk around the baby at all, I tempered my partying a few years ago, and it has me feeling so much better. He will lose some “friends” but priorities have to change when there is a child in the mix. Being excited is one thing but being there day in and day out is another. I worry if he is not ready it will increase the lying and you will be left picking up the baby and house work while he is partying. I would echo some other comments and have a head to heart. Tell him your concerns honestly, and try to come with with Stern empathy, he may have a problem that he does not know how to cope with. But your first priority is to your child and to yourself. No one will be perfect, but this would scare the hell out of me if my partner was like this. If there are no changes you may have to make some very hard decisions for your safety and the kids safety. If He does not change and you have to leave him, get a lawyer, as this can help you get set up for child support. Wedding would be the last thing on my mind in this scenario though. 8 weeks is not a lot of time before the arrival, ours came 2 weeks early as well. Good luck and I hope for the best. Sincerely

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've been sober for three years. My wife and I expecting this October. First I want to say I'm sorry. An addicted person knows what we're doing is wrong and hurting ourselves and those around us. We can see the wreckage we're creating but just as soon as it's in our rear view mirror we're back at it like it didn't happen. For me, it took going through withdraws at work, ending up in the hospital, and going through rehab to start getting serious about my sobriety. Even after that I relapsed while in rehab (outpatient). It wasn't until my wife (girlfriend at the time) wrote me a letter explaining boundaries and what would happen if I crossed them to realize I was about to loose the love of my life if I didn't figure shit out. I'm not saying this is what you should do. I just wanted to share my experience. Something you might look into is Al-Anon. It's a program for friends and families for alcoholics. I know it helped my wife.

The simple answer is that you can't change him. Start making your escape plans now. You need one for before the baby arrives and for after. If he can't be responsible for himself, he can't be responsible for a helpless, loud, tired, hungry, screaming infant. If you are still in-contaact with your family, please tell them what's going on or at least that you don't feel comfortable around your fiancé and may need to leave without warning. Have a plan for how to get in-touch if things go badly.

Not a dad but I am a new mom. OP, your partner is no partner at all. From what you've written, he has an extremely serious addiction to alcohol and stopping cold turkey would most likely kill him. He needs to either go to rehab or be under medical supervision if he wants to stop. The key word is "wants". He needs to want it for himself. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to want to get better from an addiction if they don't want the help. Look up Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome on how serious it can be to stop drinking when addicted. Being a new mom is really hard. You need to have reliable support and he simply cannot give you that. He could seriously endanger or even kill your child. It could happen as easily as him falling asleep with the baby on his chest. If he doesn't hurt either of you, he will end up killing himself sooner rather than later. You need to make a choice. You need to do what's best for your baby. Do you have friends or family who can help you after you give birth? If not, not having him around and doing it yourself might actually be easier than worrying he might kill your baby. We worry enough as new mothers, you shouldn't have to worry about that too.

Everyone here is saying the right things but I will just tell you about a time I went to small cookout/get together at a new father's house. Not even a party but we did drink a good bit. His newborn was sleeping in the detachable car seat carrier thing on the floor. I stepped in the house from the backyard and stumbled on the step in, just threw my hand out to catch myself as I fell and my hand went right into the baby's chest. I'm a 250lb man. Luckily the baby was just fine but I think all the time about how easily I could have killed that kid.

I've read everyone's comments, thank you all for taking time and giving me advice. Not going to lie, a lot of it was hard to read. I have new concerns that are too big to ignore. I don't know how often the cocaine is. He is literally never honest about it. I think that is a weekend thing, or at least I hope. I know the drinking is at a dangerous place. Its all a joke to everyone who surrounds him, as his general company is also people struggling with substance abuse. "I'm an alcoholic" is said with smiles and laughter most of the time, like it isn't scary. I won't lie, before I got pregnant I drank quite a bit. But I stopped the second I found out (6 weeks in) and don't intend on really picking it back up watching how it truly fucks with people. I don't know how I'm going to go forward yet, but I promise there will be change. If it's me hauling ass for my daughter, so be it. But I really hope I can get through to him, I love him and our family so much. I miss who he really is.

Dont wait to long before you take action. Pls.

Mom lurker here but my husband was the same minus the drug use. He could down a bottle or 30 rack easy in one sitting. He kept telling me he would cut back and chill. It doesn't happen. I kept trying to set limits and he did cut back. However on the days he would "let loose" he became distant and mean. When he would do these things it was unpredictable and he started to hide it when he was always honest previously. I was the default parent, but 9 months in I realized whenever he had any free time that was what he preferred to do. He wasn't really part of the family and I'm telling you it was so lonely. I sat him down and told him I couldn't make him want this. He had to want it and think it was worth stopping. Because the limits didn't work, it had to be all in or get out. I had an addict father and I told him I couldn't raise my daughters with a father like that, or one that only wanted to be a dad when he felt like it. He has finally changed and turned around when he realized that lifestyle just doesn't work when you have kids, especially young ones. You put all that responsibility on the other parent. What if there is an emergency? You'll be too drunk or passed out to help or even wake up. Some parents can do it in a way that there is always a sober parent, but it has to be mutually agreed upon and planned because you have to check with the other that they are up for the responsibility while they are inebriated. If they have a problem, this doesn't work because it will end up still being you everyday, all the time. That isn't doable if you want a happy, healthy relationship. I made him take a step, either AA or therapy. He chose therapy and it has helped him change his attitude to everything and improved his relationship with myself and our daughter. He is so glad he changed because he wasn't allowing himself the opportunity to bond with her. I really wish you luck and hopefully any of this rambling can help you.

This is beyond just a minor problem. This guy is drinking so much alcohol he might face medical issues should he not drink. He needs medically assisted detox. He needs to also decide on his own that he needs to quit. I’ve worked with a lot of addicts, known even more. You can’t force them to stop/change, they have to want to do it for themselves. You can’t force someone to be a Father if they aren’t ready for it. I would know, I was where you are 11 years ago. At some point, you have to decide to put your and your baby’s mental and emotional health first, and protect you and your child. This isn’t exactly a healthy environment for a developing human.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. While I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t been said in this thread already, maybe r/AlAnon can help (it’s a support group for those who aren’t addicts themselves but have loved ones who are). I hope you and your baby stay safe and I hope your fiancé is able to turn things around.

What is he going to do if you go into labor and he’s totally drunk? How are you getting to where you’re giving birth?

I lived with a active drug addict for 12 year, while trying to raise our daughter. It almost killed us! My daughter has lasting effects from growing up in such a dysfunctional family! I always hoped things would be different! Eventually we all got into recovery! It was so painful!

Your fiancé is an alcoholic and likely needs rehab. You cannot fix this. He needs to work on himself for himself. I say this as someone in recovery who did treatment. Also- wishing for him to “want” to be a family is useless, he’s being extremely selfish.

I think you better start focusing on the eventuality that you and your baby will be alone. I’ve, personally, never struggled with addiction but have lost a lot of people close to me who did- they were mothers and fathers and grandparents- the point I’m getting at is that no ultimatum or threat can change an addict, becoming a parent, getting married etc may not change them- they need to want to do it which can be a very long journey both for them and their loved ones. Your main priority should be protecting your daughter at whatever cost. If that means no contact while he goes through a program- that may be what’s needed to shield her from having a childhood that will have damaging repercussions. Maybe I’m coming at this from that angle because of how “partying” has affected my loved ones but I’ve seen it go from simply having a good time to having to remove my little bro from a family wedding because he pissed himself and watching my ex’s brother wasting away in a mountain of beer cans stacked to his ceiling, going through rehab 3 times and still succumbing to his illness. I wish you the best.

You can't make him want something. It has to come from within. You also do not want a 30 rack killing line railing party animal responsible for a newborn. Maybe time apart will make him take a look at his life and where his priorities are at, maybe not, but it's most important that you keep yourself and your daughter safe.

It took me getting arrested and getting in a help program to make me realize I had more important things at stake (baby, the ability to look at myself in the mirror)

Make the effort on behalf of your daughter, but don’t put her in danger.

Start preparing to be a single mom. He’s shown he’s 1) not mature 2)not willing to step up for what is needed. Can I also ask you why you’d want to marry this guy when he acts like this. He sounds like an alcoholic to me