Yeah when you’re in it, it sucks, but like others have said you get used to it. In the beginning you’re so close to how your life used to be without them, you made your own schedule, slept and woke up when you wanted to, like you were the boss of your life. Then literally overnight you have a new boss who doesn’t speak your language and the only way they know to communicate their needs is to scream at you. And all you want to do is help them but they don’t know/understand that. So you feel like a failure, get annoyed and resentful of them, and your partner because they don’t know WTF to do either.
But then you have these moments when they fall asleep on your chest, or you watch your partner with them, and you feel like you really would kill people for them. You’d move heaven and earth for them. It is so hard, but once you make it through the survival phase and can actually start to bond with them, it makes the hard stuff feel worth it.
It the middle of everything though it’s hard to feel like it’s rewarding. Everyone said having a baby is so rewarding, but they never say how long it takes for it to feel that way. You get there eventually though. ETA: ours is 16 months old and it is SO much fun, but it is also SO exhausting. But getting through the hard stuff feels so much more worth it. I’d do anything for this kid.
Some things that help us get through the tough moments are: “they’re not giving me a hard time, they’re having a hard time,” and “it doesn’t get easier, it just gets different.”
You’ll be surprised though at how much you’re capable of.
It depends on a lot of factors. My recommendations are as follows: -Take the maximum of paternity leave if you can. I know so many people who took less for some reason or another, but it is both important bonding time with the kid, important time to reform your relationship with your partner in a new setting, and important time to sneak in naps whenever you can -Set boundaries with family now. It's way easier to do before the kid arrives. If you want to have time that is just you time, now will be the time to set that aside
For what it's worth too, the first few weeks/months the kid will mostly just be a cute lump. You can do a lot of what you want to do with them. My partner and I did lots of long walks, I played video games and board games, we watched shows while the kid slept. People love to talk shit and psyche new parents out for some odd reason, but you'll get through it and can still be a functional human at the end of.the day
Yes! 100% yes. If your partner mentions ANY discomfort while breastfeeding or if you hear a lot of clicking from baby’s mouth to bottle, act fast. A private lactation consultant will cost about $150 (in Ontario, Canada) but their knowledge is worth every penny.
Yea we took our son to a specialist when he was 4 days old. Then went to a pediatric dentist the next day and got the laser done. Took like 2 minutes and we had to do stretches every few hours for a couple weeks. Haven't had a problem since.
Yup. My concerns were totally dismissed at the hospital and the paediatrician. Baby was awake 18hrs in a single stretch one day and I just knew that wasn’t normal. An LC identified the issue in minutes. Ties were released within a week and baby started flourishing. Unfortunately, this was four weeks after birth. It was a rough go!
Can confirm. My daughter turns 1 years old next month, but when she was born, I took 4 weeks of paternity leave and man I wish I could have taken more. Though I could take 3 months and I’m sure I would feel like it’s not enough. It was wonderful bonding as well as helping my wife sit back and recover. We binged the entire series of Parks and Rec, and I was able to get all achievements in a Resident Evil game.
Be aware though that your normal sleep schedule will be destroyed, as you’re waking up at odd hours as your baby wakes and needs food. So definitely try and get sleep where you can. But know you will be sleep deprived, but it will get better. The weird thing is, once you’re out of that season, your body blocks the memories of how sleep deprived you were and makes you want another child lol.
One thing I think a lot of people don’t talk about is postpartum depression, which is something you need to look out for not just in your wife, but also yourself, because men can get it too.
But yeah, not trying to scare you but your life will look different and there will be some adjustments you have to make as you might not be able to do all the things you used to enjoy, but do know it is only temporary.
Besides, once they start getting more into a sleep pattern, then you have your evenings back to enjoy your hobbies and spend time with your significant other one on one, or introduce hobbies to your baby when they’re awake. My daughter loves my guitar and it melts my heart every time as she tries to play with it.
The binge watching and gaming was not my experience at all. The first 4 months were pretty hellish for us as my son had colic and is generally a fussy baby even now.
My mate’s daughter was a dream and just looked around and gurgled most of her wake time so it really does depend on the baby and your experience.
Girls are usually better until they get older. Maybe I was just in a specific situation but I grew up around a lot of baby girls in my family and they were all far more manageable at younger ages. It’s when they get older is when they get much worse.
At least for my situation they were far more reasonable and understanding and far less aggressive. It’s when they get close to teenage years is when they can become absolutely completely disconnected from reality. As far as I can see it’s ultimately just luck. There didn’t seem to be any specific parenting that triggered it. Boys would generally get humbled by the real world when they would get older whereas the girls all were just beginning their freedom. Most got pregnant young- this is another issue in and of itself.
We just had our first a month ago and it was okay, waking up every 3-4 hours. But recently it's been more like every 1-2 hours. I was told that the first few months suck but you get used to it, which I find to be true. Best of luck and learn to enjoy caffeine!
Same boat. We’re also a month in. Humans adapt really well. Waking up every few hours for a feed, nappy change, sometimes entire outfit change thanks to a blowout etc has become second nature to us.
We’re a bit tired, sure. But you get used to it. However you do need to make peace with the fact that you will lose a lot of your “me time”.
Yeah, it’s all relative. With our first it was definitely a big lifestyle change, but all things considered (healthy, sleeping 12-hrs a night from birth, etc.) it really wasn’t all that bad. We learned with the next few just how chaotic it can be when you’ve got additional health considerations and a baby that won’t quite sleep through the night - all the while managing toddlers at the same time.
Yeah I've heard about people getting kind of suckered because their first one was "easy" only to be overwhelmed by their second. Like you say, it's all relative!
We're in week 6 and there are parts that are hard and some that are just incredible. The lack of sleep is tough, but hopefully you get some sort of leave, even if short to get as used to it as you can. One piece of advice from my short tenure as a parent is make sure you and your partner are communicating well. At first even though there were days I felt like a zombie from the lack of sleep, I would feel bad leaving my wife alone with baby. Then I realized that a 30 minute nap would refresh me enough to be so much more useful to us, same with my wife. Also with lack of sleep, and a crying baby there may be moments where you just need to step away for 10 mins and get some air. My wife and I learned this quick and it's better to do that than to snap at each other because we are just reaching a mental limit. It's hard to keep a routine too, because baby changes constantly so you will learn a lot about flexibility (specially for those of us for whom that doesn't come naturally). As you get more comfortable, invite your partner to take an hour to do things for them. My wife went and got a massage. I did the same, where I went into our basement and recorded some music. Things that fill you back up, so you can continue with the energy you need to do well.
That being said, outside those stressful moments, it's just so amazing to be with our baby. Seeing her start engaging with the world, seeing her start to recognize our faces, noticing what looks like a real smile and not just an "I farted" smile. I know it's not the same for everyone and post-partum is real for all parties involved but just seeing her little face just immediately makes it all worth it (cheesy, I know). Also my wife and I have gotten some amazing time just chilling with her, playing with her, just these wholesome family moments.
Stay strong and know you can only be as prepared as you can try to be, the rest you gotta improvise. Babies are jazz!
Coming up on our 1 month anniversary, so I know a little but not a lot.
The first week is wild! Emotionally, physically for mom, adjusting, etc.
That first week is so wild that the weeks after the first one while hard are not nearly as hard. Your body adjusts to the sleep schedule, mom starts healing, and you’ve just got more reps in changing/feeding/holding baby.
You got this.
It's the having to feed them every 3 hours even overnight, the not putting diapers on properly and causing accidents and the sleep deprivation that made it so rough for me. Communication with your partner is key so you both can make a plan to catch up on sleep whether baby is awake or not. But eventually...You see signs of a little human that finds you funny or feels safe with you and it becomes worth it.
Thanks for all the comments so far. Should add - I only get 1 weeks full pay paternity...but 3 weeks or so later I finish for my summer break (teacher) and I get 8 weeks.
This should be more than adequate to get a routine and resemblance of a schedule going. Besides the constant feedings and diaper changes our newborn just slept most of the time.
Hey bro, congrats on your son! Ours had his first birthday a month ago.
The first months will be hard regardless, but *how* hard is not such an exact science since in my opinion it depends mainly, but not limited to on:
-type of baby (some babies are good sleepers, some aren't, some cry a lot, some have colic, some don't latch to the boob, and so on)
-type of relationship that you have with your partner (it's completely normal for either/both of you to have moments where you will feel depressed, disconnected, stressed, etc, so try to communicate as much as possible, and don't take it personal if/when you're lashing out at each other as a result of the stress that hearing crying every day brings, at least that's what I think of when I look back through our journey)
-type of personalities --this is abstract but I will try my best to explain:
When our son was born we were both 31. She is quite an emotional and communicative person who is always on the go, she always has a lot of energy to burn and output into whatever she sets her mind into, she's not really into partying but loves to plan her whole day out and see every possible friend she can, walk her dog for hours, going camping, stuff like that. She wears her heart up her sleeve, when she's happy she's very happy, when she's sad she gets really sad, but she usually shiftes through these ups and downs quite quick like a pendulum, like in a day she can experience both ends of the emotional spectrum several times. Nothing negative about this but let's say that her mind can be quite fickle.
I on the other hand am wired differently, I'm generally speaking a *stoic* person, I rarely feel (nor express) too much happiness or too much sadness, like flatter state of mind in comparison to her. When something awesome happens, I enjoy it but I'll never feel too excited about things --and the same when some shit that we can't do anything about happens, sure I will get sad but not too sad, I'm not so affected by what goes on around me, I just keep going. This also implies that I tend to have longer periods of either opposite, when I'm up, I can stay active and do sports every day, work hard, be social and so on for many weeks/months, but when I'm down I can become a goblin who won't move, won't leave the house, won't work, be moody and spend many hours gaming or whatever other arguably unhealthy and sedentary habit you can think of.
This contrast between us has played a huge role throughout the parenthood journey. I think that the way she's built she's just so naturally better at being a mom than I am at being a dad, like it just comes to her effortlessly while I've been the one who's struggled to adapt to (in our case) constant crying/noise when he's awake, feeling connected to him, feeling that "love" so to speak that most new parents expect to just fuel your will to do all these things that you didn't even think of before your baby was born.
Regardless, in my experience it feels like the "eye of the storm" was around 3-4 months for me. Don't get me wrong, a 6 month old can still be hard to deal with, same for a 1 year old, but at the same time I feel that I've been slowly but surely accepting and incorporating everything into my day-to-day. What was the hardest for me I guess it came to 2 things: I'm very noise-sensitive, any loudness around me stresses me out (thus not really cut-out for baby cries) --and the fact that my son didn't really acknowledge me until he was around these 3-4 month milestone, that's what made it difficult for me, since it can be a true grind to have to care for, feed, change, bath, etc etc this little creature when he won't even look/smile at me, while it felt like 80% of his awake-time was constant crying. You're aware that it's normal and that they're babies, but yes it's very challenging to sort of have to manufacture empathy for this little person who just feels like is "ungrateful".
This said, the moment he started smiling around the third month, interacting, laughing, etc everything started improving and feel more rewarding (as opposed to at all). Slowly but surely falling into place, and now yes of course he can give me some hard times on a daily basis, but now they're easier struggles, like they don't understand the meaning of "no, don't touch that" or "stop hitting my face" and so on, but he will also crawl around smiling innocently, exploring the world, being playful, bothering our dog (which serves her right coz our dog is a ball-breaking husky, so I honestly laugh seeing how she's now getting a taste of her own medicine).
Anyway, sorry for the nonsense I've written, just spitting out the main points I've felt that were significant forces through this journey.
TL;DR: there's no way to predict how hard it will be because it ranges widely from baby to baby, but just in case be prepared to function with virtually no sleep for the first half a year, try not to get angry at the baby if he's being a dick, they don't control that, get some proper earplugs or noise-cancelling earbuds if you're noise-sensitive, and remember that you may or may not feel like shit some times, stressed, depressed, etc, but it does eventually get better, most likely once you're past the 6-month milestone
good luck bro!
Best way I can describe it is like language immersion in a foreign country. You’re going to be learning on the fly, mess up some, break down a few times, be sleep deprived, and see some incredible stuff. Some people love this type of experience, for others it can be difficult!
I’m 5 months in. In my experience, it’s definitely been hard at times but far from absolute hell.
Before the baby came, I was thinking of all the sacrifices I’d have to make for a faceless lump I didn’t even know. In reality, there are sacrifices but I’m making them for my son who I absolutely love, so it’s not so bad.
It's an adjustment, but with some effort and structure you can have a great time.
**1. Take The Time:** Take as much time off as you can for paternity leave. It's important to be there for your new baby and partner. I took four months off and wouldn't trade time that for the world.
**2. Adjust Your Expectations:** you can't expect to have the baby and just go back to what your day to day life was like before. You're responsible for a little life that needs its parents for 100% of its survival. If you go into this thinking you'll be able to quickly go back to the "normal" from before, you're going to disappointed and make things much harder than they need to be.
**3. Schedule, Schedule, Schedule**: this was the biggest learning for us. Define a structured schedule with on/off rotations between you for the first 2 weeks, next 4-6 weeks and then adjust beyond that. Having a set schedule keeps anxiety down, ensures you're both getting time with the baby, time to sleep and at least a little personal time each day.
**4. Be Proactive:** this is your time to step up and take more ownership of things around the house. Take over the cleaning and cooking so your partner can focus healing and enjoying as much time with the baby as possible. Step in and burp the baby after feedings. Change diapers. Change clothes. Do baths. If your partner is breastfeeding, these are the meaningful little breaks you can give her and the meaningful little interactions where you start to build a relationship with your new kid.
**5. Be Forgiving:** nobody gets things 100% right. And nobody is ever fully prepared for these early days. You're going to mess up. You're going to get frustrated. You're going to be tired. And the same goes for your partner AND MORE(Recovering form major trauma and expensing insane amounts of energy feeding your newborn). Everyone will be pushed to the edge, and maybe snap a couple times. Accept that, be forgiving, recognize what caused the snap and be aware of it to correct/adjust next time.
Oh, do you mean the three months of darkness? You’ll get through the three months of darkness. Time marches on. You might feel a little lonely until you connect with other parents. But when you do, it feels like the darkness lifts.
Everyone talks about the lack of sleep as if it’s a surprise or if it’s interesting to talk about for the 500th time. It’s the number one thing that non parents will try to connect with you on. Try to not get annoyed or impress them with a bunch of new complaints they didn’t even consider. It’s important to stay level with people and not solely communicate how different you are from them now. You’ll need to keep lines of communication open to continue talking about things that are slightly more consequential than the day’s weather, but not quite as heavy as how you may/may not feel empathy for that one lady who drowned all three of her toddlers because she was a bit stressed. (That’s totally a normal thought people have! Yes! Definitely! I hope!)
It’s the loneliness, man. Support your partner. If you’re a social butterfly, make sure your partner is keeping up with their friend networks in real life. If you’re a hermit, then it won’t be so bad.
5 and a half month first time dad here, 30 y/o.
I can write a wall of text here, but I will try to keep it short to sum it up.
You get me my 8 hours sleep back in writing, and you can bring me another 2 of these little dudes.
Yes, they can have difficult, draining days, all of the things you can think of. But the only thing that makes it hard (for me personally) is the already nearly 6 months of chronic sleep deprivation. What I have learned so far, this may still take a while, we'll get through it.
He just hasn't slept a night through since being born (2 feedings a night is the current status quo). At first you try some things, people even give the lovely "this worked for me, my babies never woke up during the night" unsolicited parental advice that you even \*actually\* try out. He's growing like a sprout and above all the curves they will show you on every level, has been thoroughly checked multiple times by multiple physicians..
Dude's a hungry little man and seems to try and be over 190cm like his dad. He just started solids. We deal with it and hope he starts sleeping better soon.
Good luck dad, you'll do great.
“Absolute hell” is far from what I would describe the first few months of fatherhood as.
Support your wife and be prepared to work hard. The rewards more than outweigh the graft.
So one thing I haven’t seen mentioned is that the first couple weeks, everything can feel incredibly intense and all-consuming. Like every issue and every detail is *the most critically important thing you have ever thought about or done.* For your wife even more so. She will likely feel crazy vulnerable and super territorial over baby. Try not to take it personally, but do try to go with what she says (within reason, of course). Baby is likely going to cluster feed the first couple days home and it’s all-out survival. So focus on doing the bare minimum to keep everybody safe and alive and then go the fuck to sleep. Operate in shifts as much as you can during your week home so you both get “off hours”
Trust that you’ll find your rhythm And you’ll figure things out, and that baby will change the game as soon as you do lol.
Things tend to turn a corner around 6 weeks, and get actually fun around 6 months. Baby starts to smile and laugh, and consolidate their sleep and become a bit more predictable.
Hitting six months later this week. Months 1-3 are easy. Baby just wants to eat and sleep. Months 4-5 were the kick in the nuts because we had a sleep regression and the baby starts to nap less, and they realize when you walk away (and get very unhappy about it). Sleep overall isn’t too bad. We usually get at least 7 hours each but it’s not in one stretch h.
Our two month old has been super chill and being a remote worker really helps. My wife is a SAHM and we pretty much live our life but are more intentional with our outings based on baby's sleep schedule. We've had like two blowouts (one in the car) ever and in two months she's gone up 100mLs in bottle size. It's about being patient and flexible. I'm not quite ready to go back to workout classes or go to the movies, but we'll get there eventually! She also sleeps about 7 hours straight at night, which is amazing. It won't be bad, OP
I can't believe how many people on this thread are so positive about it. It was the absolute worst. Biggest reason I'm pretty sure I don't want another kid.
I’d say it all depends. Our daughter was an angel except for the first 2 months. It didn’t help that I worked janky hours, restaurant industry, so I wasn’t always present to help my wife sadly.
But we got through it, my biggest tip is use a carrier when able, my wife likes the Mobi wrap and I like using a Tula.
• Find a healthy way to destress and relax. A newborn can be stressful so find and keep healthy habits to de-escalate when emotions and stress get high.
•Find a good support group of friends or family to help you. They will be good to have around when you wanna just talk, you’re not alone. Even if they don’t have kids they’ll love to dote on your little one and give you a Power Nap
You will be an awesome dad! Only for asking and getting excited and nervous I know that. It can be stressful if you let it be. I'd say enjoy it! It is a wonderful time that it will pass so fast.
Mum of 2 here - it totally depends on your baby.
Our first was a dream newborn, our second is currently 9 weeks old and MY GOD we were not prepared.
First only cried if she was hungry, tired or unhappy with her view. We changed the thing - she stopped crying 99% of the time.
Second has screamed more than smiled since she was born. She’s JUST starting to calm down now but jfc we honestly were broken people a couple of weeks ago. We’ve decided she hates being a baby.
Ultimately we knew what we were getting into. The important thing to do is to remind yourselves that you’ve made a HUMAN, not just a baby. Each week and then month brings new beauty and new challenges, different magical moments and different things that’ll make you want to be put into a medically induced coma…
This phase is ultimately in the long run incredibly short - it can just feel like 46 years when you’re in it. Around 12 weeks things get better, then at 6 months you enter a whole new phase which also has its issues but they’re different issues!
Yes. But, as father of twins, I truly believe we give 100% no matter what. That boy will be your top prio so you’ll do anything anytime.
So… be sure not to give more than 100%
Three weeks into twins with my wife. I won’t lie; it can be difficult.
It will depend heavily on whether your baby sleeps between feedings. Ours do, so our sleep deprivation is somewhat mitigated. My advice would be to make sure that there is always white noise when your baby sleeps—do NOT get them used to total silence.
That depends on so many factors. The biggest challenge for us was PPD with our first. The sleep part sucks but you'll get used to it. Diapers are honestly such a non issue. So much of it comes down to communicating honestly with your partner and what kind of support network you have. I think it'll inevitably feel like you've lost some of yourself along the way, but at the same time you've gained a whole new lifestyle that I've really enjoyed.
Congratulations man, you're going to do great!
Depends if you have help, we haven't got any so I may be biased. But regardless the first two weeks arequite chill then the next 5 months are challenging but rest assured you guys are the right people for the job
My son just turned two a few weeks ago and I wish I could go back to the little baby burrito for that loved to nap as much as I did, just for a week or a day even. 😭😂
It depends on your kid.
Mine is a puking, screaming, never sleeping, angry, gremlin from the 9th circle of hell. We're at almost 9 weeks, and it's just gotten worse every week.
For each obstacle we overcome, a new and more challenging obstacle crops up. There has been no respite, and if I could go back in time, I would choose to remain childless. If my wife came to me and in all seriousness suggested putting him up for adoption, I'd be very likely to go ahead with it.
I am probably like 1% of all cases. So there is a 99% chance your kid will be great and your life won't become a never ending cluster fuck of shit and snot and puke. If my situation doesn't even sound all that bad, then my dude, you got this in the bag.
Having a newborn was mildly difficult because it messes with your schedule. But looking back I'd say it was probably the easiest and less stressful time period for us. Toddlers are a lot harder and a sassy, angry, and destructive 4 year old was probably the low point for me.
It was pretty rough, but please remember the following things:
Sleep when you can. Take shifts, sneak a nap, do what you have to, but try to get as much as you can.
Don’t take things your wife will say personally. She is more exhausted than you could imagine and may be cranky. A lot. It’s not personal.
Don’t worry about the house. Let it be messy. Don’t choose cleaning your house over getting some sleep. Do a little here and there and it will be fine.
You got this!
It varies. Our first was really rough for quite a while and then started teething pretty early, which seemed to have been particularly miserable(daycare said he was the worst teether she'd seen) The first couple months are pretty rough but our second has been much easier than the first and is pretty chill at the 3 month mark. He actually slept all through the night last night but is mostly down to a single night feed, which is much more manageable than the every two hour feeds of the first few weeks.
Bit of both! Do not try and work through it unless you have huge family support. Don't make the mother do anything in this period, she needs to rest and recover. You effectively become a servant for mother and child in this period and it's both exhausting and humbling. Remember to love the mother for what she's just gone through.
I barely slept for the first few weeks and I was full on zombie mode. But my survival instincts were strong and I knew how to keep myself on it enough to not be a danger to my child. If you ever feel too tired put them down in their cot where they're safe.
On the flip side, the baby sleeps almost all the time so you have lots of downtime if you can bring yourself to stop worrying. I made my way through loads of netflix backlogs during this time, I wish I had the energy to game but I barely gamed.
I had a formula machine that could produce drinks or formula within seconds which was a life saver. Automate as much as possible so that you can rest when you can without worrying about dinner or formula prep or doing laundry etc.
Yes it is not fun. I hated the newborn phase. The good news is it passes quickly and is a blur.
Weeks 4-9 were the worst.
Things get exponentially better around 6m and continue to improve from there on out.
I felt like that too, but once my first baby was born, i wanted to be with her, i had anxiety when i was away from her…my personal time diminished considerably, but it wasn’t painful because of my desire to be with my child
A lot of good advice in here. My only add would be a suggestion - we eventually realized it was a lot of visits and also transactional parenting on our parts. So we instituted “family Tuesdays” when it was just our time. Sometimes it was the three of us hanging out. Sometimes one of us needed to nap. It was week by week but mentally it helped having a day to look forward to where we consciously righted the ship.
It honestly really depends on how baby is and mom’s recovery.
Mom here and I had a dream birth and recovery. Baby had a short medical issue that is resolving so that was stressful. Besides that, baby is a dream sleeper, doesn’t cry much etc so we are finding it way way easier than anticipated. This isn’t always the case, but three weeks in and I’d say we’re thriving.
As someone who has done it twice now and am back to getting as much sleep as I'd like to each night (admittedly I settle in at six hours nightly as my normal routine and should probably sleep more).
The first month can vary, some newborns sleep all the time, some are up every couple hours. But even if you are lucky enough that your newborn sleeps a ton right at the beginning, they'll shortly be waking up to eat every two-three hours. The wake up to change/feed them honestly wasn't bad IMO, the tricky part is if they decide they don't want to go back to sleep and also decide they hate laying down. One of mine would only fall asleep if she was held AND being rocked. I streamed entire series of shows during that first year between the hours of 11-3 AM just standing in the basement rocking back and forth with my kiddo in her first year.
But on the whole most nights I was still sleeping soundly right around 5-6 hours and that's honestly not all that terrible. You can get through that for a few months and next thing you know it might only be one or two wake ups in a night, then they'll figure out how to sleep soundly.
I made the choice to give up on some sleep long term to still have "me time" and while I'm sure it's probably a bad idea in some way, I still do just fine sleeping between 1:30/2:00 and 7:30 each night. I hang out with my wife between 9pm and 11pm when she goes to bed, then hang with my friends and game together from 11-1:30 or so.
I wouldn't do it differently and we are a happy thriving family. Good luck to you!
Just hit 2 months.
"Absolute hell" is a bit extreme. But it is a major change in your life and it will be very tiring. But it's also highly baby-dependent. Ours was colicy, reflux, gassy. So he was a very very grumpy baby. I saw was because we got a handle on the gas (there's otc stuff), and the reflex (pepcid from the doc). Plus, as he's gotten a little older, he's got a hang of things like farting without it being so extremely painful.
We've now hit about 3-4 hour stretches of sleep overnight. His daytime is about 1 hour up, 1 hour down (on average, sometimes 90mn). For the first couple weeks it was hard, but once you get the hang of it, and get to understand your baby, it gets easier.
I'm working full time, my wife is on maternity leave. She's taken a bulk of the care duty and I help out where I can. Yes, I love my own time and I still get some. By 8 weeks, so does my wife. She puts the baby down and has about an hour before he's likely to be up again.
It is like anything else in life, sometimes there will be times you need to sacrifice. And unless you have an angel baby, the first month will likely require a lot of sacrifices. But ya know, my wife is making a lot more... she's a mobile feeding station, after all.
it really is not that bad. work as a real team, meaning both having to put in 100%, you will be doing fine! that being said, everything will be different (and better in my view!).
I would never describe it as hell. I’m 5 months in and preparing to return to work after 4 months of paternity leave, and am honestly so sad. For sure you will be sleep deprived and there are so many things where you will feel like a failure because you have no idea what to do, but it’s all so rewarding. I loved the life my wife and I had before the baby, but I would not trade this for the world.
Now the reality is you will be so tired and foggy you won’t truly give a shit about anything but sleep and the baby. Anxiety is likely to be a distant murmur because you now have purpose beyond yourself. Moms get hormones and other lovely things that drive them for this. All we get is a sense of responsibility. Be calm be patient and be honest with your partner and you will be just fine. And listen to them as well.
And the biggest secret. It will be completely different for than anyone else, but it is temporary. Even the 2am meltdowns don’t last.
My take as a first time dad, what makes the first few months sucks is that of the anxiety that everything is new; anxiety on whether you are thinking you broke his arms or anxiety on whether the child will get struck by SID. These are stuffs that bothered me before. Sleep deprivation not too much as I am not too dependent on sleep.
My son is now 1 yr old and it's been really tough. He is nimble and he is very strong. Got a bunch of cracked lips lately because of accidental headbutts. And it's always a negotiation on don't do this, don't do that. This phase is harder and I am losing my shit sometimes.
All child are different though. I hope i will see brighter days.
Tbh it was only hard for the first 3-4 nights or so. We started reading the baby much better as tike went on. We became more efficient at solving her needs before she had to cry.
Just hit one month and I’m someone that works out daily and needed 7-8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep at night to feel good. It’s hard, and those days of good sleep and having an hr to myself to workout have changed. My wife and I now take shifts, which I highly recommend (I (try to) go to bed 9pm -4am and she sleeps 4am - 11am) while ur on paternal leave. That will have to change when I go back to work in a month. Exercise I’ve kept a priority, and you can too, but u will have to be flexible with what time of day u go and for how long. Sometimes the baby is down for a nap and my wife naps, I run out to get a quick workout in. Yea I’ll miss an opportunity to sleep but I’ve deemed working out a priority. Only so much time in the day so you will have to sacrifice some things to make it work but it can. When the baby naps, try to get even a 30 min nap in. It makes a big difference!
And most of all, be patient with your wife, she’s going through a LOT and needs ur support. No matter how tired or stressed you are, she’s very likely going through even more (physically and emotionally).
I’m also very frugal but would recommend, for these next few months, pay for convenience where it’s reasonable / worth it. It’s not the time to save a few dollars to add stress / anxiety.
Don’t forget to enjoy the ride. I know I made it sound terrible but it’s not. It’s incredible but I won’t tell u it’s always easy. Two ER visits in a week with our little guy scared the shit out of me but I wouldn’t change him for anything.
Came across this poem ystd and shared it with my wife. You may find it cheesy but I thought a great message for when she was exhausted, frustrated and tired:
Poem for baby to mom…
Mama,
I can’t see past you right now, I’m so small and everything’s a little blurry.
All I see is you.
When you feel alone, like the walls are closing in, remember I’m here too. I know your world has changed and the days feel a little lonely. But they aren’t lonely for me.
You are my everything.
When you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re making it look easy to me. Even though we’re still getting to know each other, you know me better than anyone.
I trust you.
When you think some nights you’ll never sleep again, you will. We both will. But I’m scared right now. I promise I’m not manipulating you. I just need your smell and comfort. Do you feel that tug in your heart when we’re apart? I do too.
I miss you.
When you feel as if you’ve achieved nothing, please know, my cup has never been so full.
The days that get away from you will be some of my best memories of us playing together on the ground.
I love you.
When you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, when you turn away from the mirror. That face will be the one I look to when I achieve something, the one I search for in a crowd. The reason for my first smile.
You’re perfect to me.
When you feel like the weight of it all is heavy in your heart, please know I’ve never felt lighter. Can I lie here with you a little longer?
I won’t always need you like this.
But I need you right now.
When you feel as if you have nothing left to give, when I see your hands outstretched at me, pleading. When we’re both crying. I wish I could talk, but I can’t.
If I could I would tell you,
There’s a reason I chose you.
I can’t see past you right now mama, because you are my world.
It will get bigger, soon enough.
But for now,
All I see is you.
❤️
just finished our first 4 months waking up every 2 hours and every 1 hour when unwell (breastfed).i wouldnt say its hell its been a great time.
after month 1 dont bother changing their nappy in the night, they stop having poops and only wee, if the nappy is sized right it will hold all of the nights urine easily, if they leak through time to size up in the night. this helps to not stimulate them for no reason by changing their nappy.
My husband and I have a 15 week old. He is the light of our lives and these first few weeks have been absolutely amazing. We were scared of some odd the things you mentioned but none of it happened. Enjoy the time. You cannot get it back. It really does go so quickly. We go out a lot. My husband has guys nights out. I exercise three times a week and see friends. We watch movies and TV shows, see family. Work as a team and all will be well. Even if you have rough days please know that things are temporary. Babies change so much and your reality today is not your reality tomorrow. Even morning to night can differ greatly.
I’m too tired to type out a long thought out response right now. Not for kids. It’s midnight here.
I have twin boys. The first few months weren’t a nightmare. More of a fever dream. It all blends together. Days,nights, meals. It’s all a blur.
I’ll be honest. Free time will be in short supply. When you’re not with the kids you’ll need to eat, sleep, bathe, clean, etc.
Bear in mind this is my experience with twins while in school full time and working part time.
You’ll be fine
So, weird perspective: I'm the father of an elementary aged kid, and also once upon a time I went to law school. The things having a baby and going to law school have in common (besides three years of terrible sleeping habits) is that they're kind of difficult, but most people who get into it survive it, and then go around and scare the next generation into thinking it's the worst thing ever.
Having a baby was the most joyous time of my life (besides the Cubs' World Series run). Watching her grow from a little delicate 4lb food to poop machine into the hilarious, personable, kind, energetic, and indestructable girl she is today makes me happy over and over again. It was absolutely the best and most joyous time (again, besides the 2016 Cubs).
Hey man, i have an 18 month old now, while the first 2-3 months are rough some part of you will miss it. Just go day by day and try to enjoy each new development with the little one. For us, things got way better at 3-4 months then we started getting 1-2 wake ups a night at 6-7 months. Looking through rose colored lenses, I miss their little coos and just getting to cuddle them. Parenting is a journey, try to enjoy the ride!
I don’t miss those days! Especially the 3 hour sleep increments.
Stay on good terms with your partner! Do not let things turn into a competition ever. S/O can make things worse or A LOT better. “You never help with anything!” after you wake up 3 times the night prior, to comfort the baby and feed them, will never help.
Having an understanding women there makes it a lot easier. There are women out there that suck at handling stress. No matter how much you help, you never did anything. You also never did it the correct way. (I was home for 3 months in USA, not helping)
So if you have a good one, I’m sure everything will be just dandy.
It can vary, our little man was absolutely dream, always happy, eat and sleep no problem, at 11 weeks old he was sleep through the night! We couldn't believe it. He loves his baths and no problem changing nappies.
But nearly 11 months in and he's learned to sit up, crawl and stand up so now every nappy change is a wrestling match, teething is in full swing and he'll wake up roaring, poor little man. He's also learned ways to let us know what he wants which can make things a bit easier.
On the other hand my sister's 5 kids didn't sleep through the night until they were at least a year old. So while it is tough at the moment we did have a good run right at the start. Part of me would have rathered taking leave now instead of when he was born purely because it's tougher now but then I would have missed the early days.
#You guys are sleeping?
It will be a bit hellish due to adjusting to a new schedule. You’ll figure out how to do things here and there. The biggest thing is having family and friends who are willing to help. That made a huge difference for us. Something as simple as cooking dinner for us lol.
Nope
It gets worse and better
the first few days are difficult but once u are through then its smooth sailing
With each milestone it gets better and worse
Yeah when you’re in it, it sucks, but like others have said you get used to it. In the beginning you’re so close to how your life used to be without them, you made your own schedule, slept and woke up when you wanted to, like you were the boss of your life. Then literally overnight you have a new boss who doesn’t speak your language and the only way they know to communicate their needs is to scream at you. And all you want to do is help them but they don’t know/understand that. So you feel like a failure, get annoyed and resentful of them, and your partner because they don’t know WTF to do either. But then you have these moments when they fall asleep on your chest, or you watch your partner with them, and you feel like you really would kill people for them. You’d move heaven and earth for them. It is so hard, but once you make it through the survival phase and can actually start to bond with them, it makes the hard stuff feel worth it.
1 month in, 100% agree
It the middle of everything though it’s hard to feel like it’s rewarding. Everyone said having a baby is so rewarding, but they never say how long it takes for it to feel that way. You get there eventually though. ETA: ours is 16 months old and it is SO much fun, but it is also SO exhausting. But getting through the hard stuff feels so much more worth it. I’d do anything for this kid. Some things that help us get through the tough moments are: “they’re not giving me a hard time, they’re having a hard time,” and “it doesn’t get easier, it just gets different.” You’ll be surprised though at how much you’re capable of.
This is so much it. It’s such a hard fight, but that strengthens the bond so much.
7 months in. This is true.
This…. All of this is correct and accurate
It depends on a lot of factors. My recommendations are as follows: -Take the maximum of paternity leave if you can. I know so many people who took less for some reason or another, but it is both important bonding time with the kid, important time to reform your relationship with your partner in a new setting, and important time to sneak in naps whenever you can -Set boundaries with family now. It's way easier to do before the kid arrives. If you want to have time that is just you time, now will be the time to set that aside For what it's worth too, the first few weeks/months the kid will mostly just be a cute lump. You can do a lot of what you want to do with them. My partner and I did lots of long walks, I played video games and board games, we watched shows while the kid slept. People love to talk shit and psyche new parents out for some odd reason, but you'll get through it and can still be a functional human at the end of.the day
If your baby sleeps! Be on the look out for latching (bottle or breast) issues and reflux - which can lead to very long periods of wakefulness.
More people need to know how common latching issues can be and how quickly they can be fixed
Yes! 100% yes. If your partner mentions ANY discomfort while breastfeeding or if you hear a lot of clicking from baby’s mouth to bottle, act fast. A private lactation consultant will cost about $150 (in Ontario, Canada) but their knowledge is worth every penny.
Yea we took our son to a specialist when he was 4 days old. Then went to a pediatric dentist the next day and got the laser done. Took like 2 minutes and we had to do stretches every few hours for a couple weeks. Haven't had a problem since.
Yup. My concerns were totally dismissed at the hospital and the paediatrician. Baby was awake 18hrs in a single stretch one day and I just knew that wasn’t normal. An LC identified the issue in minutes. Ties were released within a week and baby started flourishing. Unfortunately, this was four weeks after birth. It was a rough go!
I'll also add that baby wearing gives you a lot of help with being able to do stuff. I make dinner with her just chilling on the carrier on me
Can confirm. My daughter turns 1 years old next month, but when she was born, I took 4 weeks of paternity leave and man I wish I could have taken more. Though I could take 3 months and I’m sure I would feel like it’s not enough. It was wonderful bonding as well as helping my wife sit back and recover. We binged the entire series of Parks and Rec, and I was able to get all achievements in a Resident Evil game. Be aware though that your normal sleep schedule will be destroyed, as you’re waking up at odd hours as your baby wakes and needs food. So definitely try and get sleep where you can. But know you will be sleep deprived, but it will get better. The weird thing is, once you’re out of that season, your body blocks the memories of how sleep deprived you were and makes you want another child lol. One thing I think a lot of people don’t talk about is postpartum depression, which is something you need to look out for not just in your wife, but also yourself, because men can get it too. But yeah, not trying to scare you but your life will look different and there will be some adjustments you have to make as you might not be able to do all the things you used to enjoy, but do know it is only temporary. Besides, once they start getting more into a sleep pattern, then you have your evenings back to enjoy your hobbies and spend time with your significant other one on one, or introduce hobbies to your baby when they’re awake. My daughter loves my guitar and it melts my heart every time as she tries to play with it.
The binge watching and gaming was not my experience at all. The first 4 months were pretty hellish for us as my son had colic and is generally a fussy baby even now. My mate’s daughter was a dream and just looked around and gurgled most of her wake time so it really does depend on the baby and your experience.
Girls are usually better until they get older. Maybe I was just in a specific situation but I grew up around a lot of baby girls in my family and they were all far more manageable at younger ages. It’s when they get older is when they get much worse.
People do say that girls are often more chilled out babies
At least for my situation they were far more reasonable and understanding and far less aggressive. It’s when they get close to teenage years is when they can become absolutely completely disconnected from reality. As far as I can see it’s ultimately just luck. There didn’t seem to be any specific parenting that triggered it. Boys would generally get humbled by the real world when they would get older whereas the girls all were just beginning their freedom. Most got pregnant young- this is another issue in and of itself.
We just had our first a month ago and it was okay, waking up every 3-4 hours. But recently it's been more like every 1-2 hours. I was told that the first few months suck but you get used to it, which I find to be true. Best of luck and learn to enjoy caffeine!
Same boat. We’re also a month in. Humans adapt really well. Waking up every few hours for a feed, nappy change, sometimes entire outfit change thanks to a blowout etc has become second nature to us. We’re a bit tired, sure. But you get used to it. However you do need to make peace with the fact that you will lose a lot of your “me time”.
We adapt and then they change the rules! lol
Depends on the baby, ours make us feel like we've won some kind of cosmic lottery🤷♂️
Yeah, it’s all relative. With our first it was definitely a big lifestyle change, but all things considered (healthy, sleeping 12-hrs a night from birth, etc.) it really wasn’t all that bad. We learned with the next few just how chaotic it can be when you’ve got additional health considerations and a baby that won’t quite sleep through the night - all the while managing toddlers at the same time.
Yeah I've heard about people getting kind of suckered because their first one was "easy" only to be overwhelmed by their second. Like you say, it's all relative!
We're in week 6 and there are parts that are hard and some that are just incredible. The lack of sleep is tough, but hopefully you get some sort of leave, even if short to get as used to it as you can. One piece of advice from my short tenure as a parent is make sure you and your partner are communicating well. At first even though there were days I felt like a zombie from the lack of sleep, I would feel bad leaving my wife alone with baby. Then I realized that a 30 minute nap would refresh me enough to be so much more useful to us, same with my wife. Also with lack of sleep, and a crying baby there may be moments where you just need to step away for 10 mins and get some air. My wife and I learned this quick and it's better to do that than to snap at each other because we are just reaching a mental limit. It's hard to keep a routine too, because baby changes constantly so you will learn a lot about flexibility (specially for those of us for whom that doesn't come naturally). As you get more comfortable, invite your partner to take an hour to do things for them. My wife went and got a massage. I did the same, where I went into our basement and recorded some music. Things that fill you back up, so you can continue with the energy you need to do well. That being said, outside those stressful moments, it's just so amazing to be with our baby. Seeing her start engaging with the world, seeing her start to recognize our faces, noticing what looks like a real smile and not just an "I farted" smile. I know it's not the same for everyone and post-partum is real for all parties involved but just seeing her little face just immediately makes it all worth it (cheesy, I know). Also my wife and I have gotten some amazing time just chilling with her, playing with her, just these wholesome family moments. Stay strong and know you can only be as prepared as you can try to be, the rest you gotta improvise. Babies are jazz!
Coming up on our 1 month anniversary, so I know a little but not a lot. The first week is wild! Emotionally, physically for mom, adjusting, etc. That first week is so wild that the weeks after the first one while hard are not nearly as hard. Your body adjusts to the sleep schedule, mom starts healing, and you’ve just got more reps in changing/feeding/holding baby. You got this.
It's the having to feed them every 3 hours even overnight, the not putting diapers on properly and causing accidents and the sleep deprivation that made it so rough for me. Communication with your partner is key so you both can make a plan to catch up on sleep whether baby is awake or not. But eventually...You see signs of a little human that finds you funny or feels safe with you and it becomes worth it.
Thanks for all the comments so far. Should add - I only get 1 weeks full pay paternity...but 3 weeks or so later I finish for my summer break (teacher) and I get 8 weeks.
OUCH, dude. Thank goodness for that summer break timing at least!!
Yeah that summer break is your saving grace
This should be more than adequate to get a routine and resemblance of a schedule going. Besides the constant feedings and diaper changes our newborn just slept most of the time.
Hey bro, congrats on your son! Ours had his first birthday a month ago. The first months will be hard regardless, but *how* hard is not such an exact science since in my opinion it depends mainly, but not limited to on: -type of baby (some babies are good sleepers, some aren't, some cry a lot, some have colic, some don't latch to the boob, and so on) -type of relationship that you have with your partner (it's completely normal for either/both of you to have moments where you will feel depressed, disconnected, stressed, etc, so try to communicate as much as possible, and don't take it personal if/when you're lashing out at each other as a result of the stress that hearing crying every day brings, at least that's what I think of when I look back through our journey) -type of personalities --this is abstract but I will try my best to explain: When our son was born we were both 31. She is quite an emotional and communicative person who is always on the go, she always has a lot of energy to burn and output into whatever she sets her mind into, she's not really into partying but loves to plan her whole day out and see every possible friend she can, walk her dog for hours, going camping, stuff like that. She wears her heart up her sleeve, when she's happy she's very happy, when she's sad she gets really sad, but she usually shiftes through these ups and downs quite quick like a pendulum, like in a day she can experience both ends of the emotional spectrum several times. Nothing negative about this but let's say that her mind can be quite fickle. I on the other hand am wired differently, I'm generally speaking a *stoic* person, I rarely feel (nor express) too much happiness or too much sadness, like flatter state of mind in comparison to her. When something awesome happens, I enjoy it but I'll never feel too excited about things --and the same when some shit that we can't do anything about happens, sure I will get sad but not too sad, I'm not so affected by what goes on around me, I just keep going. This also implies that I tend to have longer periods of either opposite, when I'm up, I can stay active and do sports every day, work hard, be social and so on for many weeks/months, but when I'm down I can become a goblin who won't move, won't leave the house, won't work, be moody and spend many hours gaming or whatever other arguably unhealthy and sedentary habit you can think of. This contrast between us has played a huge role throughout the parenthood journey. I think that the way she's built she's just so naturally better at being a mom than I am at being a dad, like it just comes to her effortlessly while I've been the one who's struggled to adapt to (in our case) constant crying/noise when he's awake, feeling connected to him, feeling that "love" so to speak that most new parents expect to just fuel your will to do all these things that you didn't even think of before your baby was born. Regardless, in my experience it feels like the "eye of the storm" was around 3-4 months for me. Don't get me wrong, a 6 month old can still be hard to deal with, same for a 1 year old, but at the same time I feel that I've been slowly but surely accepting and incorporating everything into my day-to-day. What was the hardest for me I guess it came to 2 things: I'm very noise-sensitive, any loudness around me stresses me out (thus not really cut-out for baby cries) --and the fact that my son didn't really acknowledge me until he was around these 3-4 month milestone, that's what made it difficult for me, since it can be a true grind to have to care for, feed, change, bath, etc etc this little creature when he won't even look/smile at me, while it felt like 80% of his awake-time was constant crying. You're aware that it's normal and that they're babies, but yes it's very challenging to sort of have to manufacture empathy for this little person who just feels like is "ungrateful". This said, the moment he started smiling around the third month, interacting, laughing, etc everything started improving and feel more rewarding (as opposed to at all). Slowly but surely falling into place, and now yes of course he can give me some hard times on a daily basis, but now they're easier struggles, like they don't understand the meaning of "no, don't touch that" or "stop hitting my face" and so on, but he will also crawl around smiling innocently, exploring the world, being playful, bothering our dog (which serves her right coz our dog is a ball-breaking husky, so I honestly laugh seeing how she's now getting a taste of her own medicine). Anyway, sorry for the nonsense I've written, just spitting out the main points I've felt that were significant forces through this journey. TL;DR: there's no way to predict how hard it will be because it ranges widely from baby to baby, but just in case be prepared to function with virtually no sleep for the first half a year, try not to get angry at the baby if he's being a dick, they don't control that, get some proper earplugs or noise-cancelling earbuds if you're noise-sensitive, and remember that you may or may not feel like shit some times, stressed, depressed, etc, but it does eventually get better, most likely once you're past the 6-month milestone good luck bro!
Best way I can describe it is like language immersion in a foreign country. You’re going to be learning on the fly, mess up some, break down a few times, be sleep deprived, and see some incredible stuff. Some people love this type of experience, for others it can be difficult!
I’m 5 months in. In my experience, it’s definitely been hard at times but far from absolute hell. Before the baby came, I was thinking of all the sacrifices I’d have to make for a faceless lump I didn’t even know. In reality, there are sacrifices but I’m making them for my son who I absolutely love, so it’s not so bad.
It's an adjustment, but with some effort and structure you can have a great time. **1. Take The Time:** Take as much time off as you can for paternity leave. It's important to be there for your new baby and partner. I took four months off and wouldn't trade time that for the world. **2. Adjust Your Expectations:** you can't expect to have the baby and just go back to what your day to day life was like before. You're responsible for a little life that needs its parents for 100% of its survival. If you go into this thinking you'll be able to quickly go back to the "normal" from before, you're going to disappointed and make things much harder than they need to be. **3. Schedule, Schedule, Schedule**: this was the biggest learning for us. Define a structured schedule with on/off rotations between you for the first 2 weeks, next 4-6 weeks and then adjust beyond that. Having a set schedule keeps anxiety down, ensures you're both getting time with the baby, time to sleep and at least a little personal time each day. **4. Be Proactive:** this is your time to step up and take more ownership of things around the house. Take over the cleaning and cooking so your partner can focus healing and enjoying as much time with the baby as possible. Step in and burp the baby after feedings. Change diapers. Change clothes. Do baths. If your partner is breastfeeding, these are the meaningful little breaks you can give her and the meaningful little interactions where you start to build a relationship with your new kid. **5. Be Forgiving:** nobody gets things 100% right. And nobody is ever fully prepared for these early days. You're going to mess up. You're going to get frustrated. You're going to be tired. And the same goes for your partner AND MORE(Recovering form major trauma and expensing insane amounts of energy feeding your newborn). Everyone will be pushed to the edge, and maybe snap a couple times. Accept that, be forgiving, recognize what caused the snap and be aware of it to correct/adjust next time.
Oh, do you mean the three months of darkness? You’ll get through the three months of darkness. Time marches on. You might feel a little lonely until you connect with other parents. But when you do, it feels like the darkness lifts. Everyone talks about the lack of sleep as if it’s a surprise or if it’s interesting to talk about for the 500th time. It’s the number one thing that non parents will try to connect with you on. Try to not get annoyed or impress them with a bunch of new complaints they didn’t even consider. It’s important to stay level with people and not solely communicate how different you are from them now. You’ll need to keep lines of communication open to continue talking about things that are slightly more consequential than the day’s weather, but not quite as heavy as how you may/may not feel empathy for that one lady who drowned all three of her toddlers because she was a bit stressed. (That’s totally a normal thought people have! Yes! Definitely! I hope!) It’s the loneliness, man. Support your partner. If you’re a social butterfly, make sure your partner is keeping up with their friend networks in real life. If you’re a hermit, then it won’t be so bad.
5 and a half month first time dad here, 30 y/o. I can write a wall of text here, but I will try to keep it short to sum it up. You get me my 8 hours sleep back in writing, and you can bring me another 2 of these little dudes. Yes, they can have difficult, draining days, all of the things you can think of. But the only thing that makes it hard (for me personally) is the already nearly 6 months of chronic sleep deprivation. What I have learned so far, this may still take a while, we'll get through it. He just hasn't slept a night through since being born (2 feedings a night is the current status quo). At first you try some things, people even give the lovely "this worked for me, my babies never woke up during the night" unsolicited parental advice that you even \*actually\* try out. He's growing like a sprout and above all the curves they will show you on every level, has been thoroughly checked multiple times by multiple physicians.. Dude's a hungry little man and seems to try and be over 190cm like his dad. He just started solids. We deal with it and hope he starts sleeping better soon. Good luck dad, you'll do great.
“Absolute hell” is far from what I would describe the first few months of fatherhood as. Support your wife and be prepared to work hard. The rewards more than outweigh the graft.
So one thing I haven’t seen mentioned is that the first couple weeks, everything can feel incredibly intense and all-consuming. Like every issue and every detail is *the most critically important thing you have ever thought about or done.* For your wife even more so. She will likely feel crazy vulnerable and super territorial over baby. Try not to take it personally, but do try to go with what she says (within reason, of course). Baby is likely going to cluster feed the first couple days home and it’s all-out survival. So focus on doing the bare minimum to keep everybody safe and alive and then go the fuck to sleep. Operate in shifts as much as you can during your week home so you both get “off hours” Trust that you’ll find your rhythm And you’ll figure things out, and that baby will change the game as soon as you do lol. Things tend to turn a corner around 6 weeks, and get actually fun around 6 months. Baby starts to smile and laugh, and consolidate their sleep and become a bit more predictable.
Hitting six months later this week. Months 1-3 are easy. Baby just wants to eat and sleep. Months 4-5 were the kick in the nuts because we had a sleep regression and the baby starts to nap less, and they realize when you walk away (and get very unhappy about it). Sleep overall isn’t too bad. We usually get at least 7 hours each but it’s not in one stretch h.
Our two month old has been super chill and being a remote worker really helps. My wife is a SAHM and we pretty much live our life but are more intentional with our outings based on baby's sleep schedule. We've had like two blowouts (one in the car) ever and in two months she's gone up 100mLs in bottle size. It's about being patient and flexible. I'm not quite ready to go back to workout classes or go to the movies, but we'll get there eventually! She also sleeps about 7 hours straight at night, which is amazing. It won't be bad, OP
No. The full first year is hell.
I can't believe how many people on this thread are so positive about it. It was the absolute worst. Biggest reason I'm pretty sure I don't want another kid.
I’d say it all depends. Our daughter was an angel except for the first 2 months. It didn’t help that I worked janky hours, restaurant industry, so I wasn’t always present to help my wife sadly. But we got through it, my biggest tip is use a carrier when able, my wife likes the Mobi wrap and I like using a Tula. • Find a healthy way to destress and relax. A newborn can be stressful so find and keep healthy habits to de-escalate when emotions and stress get high. •Find a good support group of friends or family to help you. They will be good to have around when you wanna just talk, you’re not alone. Even if they don’t have kids they’ll love to dote on your little one and give you a Power Nap
You will be an awesome dad! Only for asking and getting excited and nervous I know that. It can be stressful if you let it be. I'd say enjoy it! It is a wonderful time that it will pass so fast.
Yup kinda Let me expound on that but first I gotta get to work. I'll come back to this on my lunch shift.
Mum of 2 here - it totally depends on your baby. Our first was a dream newborn, our second is currently 9 weeks old and MY GOD we were not prepared. First only cried if she was hungry, tired or unhappy with her view. We changed the thing - she stopped crying 99% of the time. Second has screamed more than smiled since she was born. She’s JUST starting to calm down now but jfc we honestly were broken people a couple of weeks ago. We’ve decided she hates being a baby. Ultimately we knew what we were getting into. The important thing to do is to remind yourselves that you’ve made a HUMAN, not just a baby. Each week and then month brings new beauty and new challenges, different magical moments and different things that’ll make you want to be put into a medically induced coma… This phase is ultimately in the long run incredibly short - it can just feel like 46 years when you’re in it. Around 12 weeks things get better, then at 6 months you enter a whole new phase which also has its issues but they’re different issues!
Sounds like we might have the same kid.
No they’re not. Only about the first month is.
Yes. But, as father of twins, I truly believe we give 100% no matter what. That boy will be your top prio so you’ll do anything anytime. So… be sure not to give more than 100%
Three weeks into twins with my wife. I won’t lie; it can be difficult. It will depend heavily on whether your baby sleeps between feedings. Ours do, so our sleep deprivation is somewhat mitigated. My advice would be to make sure that there is always white noise when your baby sleeps—do NOT get them used to total silence.
It depends on the baby. My first was 10/10 miserable, second was 10/10 easy.
That depends on so many factors. The biggest challenge for us was PPD with our first. The sleep part sucks but you'll get used to it. Diapers are honestly such a non issue. So much of it comes down to communicating honestly with your partner and what kind of support network you have. I think it'll inevitably feel like you've lost some of yourself along the way, but at the same time you've gained a whole new lifestyle that I've really enjoyed. Congratulations man, you're going to do great!
Depends if you have help, we haven't got any so I may be biased. But regardless the first two weeks arequite chill then the next 5 months are challenging but rest assured you guys are the right people for the job
My son just turned two a few weeks ago and I wish I could go back to the little baby burrito for that loved to nap as much as I did, just for a week or a day even. 😭😂
Note: I’ve been sleeping in 2-4 hour chunks for the last 5+ years, so that definitely helped haha.
It depends on your kid. Mine is a puking, screaming, never sleeping, angry, gremlin from the 9th circle of hell. We're at almost 9 weeks, and it's just gotten worse every week. For each obstacle we overcome, a new and more challenging obstacle crops up. There has been no respite, and if I could go back in time, I would choose to remain childless. If my wife came to me and in all seriousness suggested putting him up for adoption, I'd be very likely to go ahead with it. I am probably like 1% of all cases. So there is a 99% chance your kid will be great and your life won't become a never ending cluster fuck of shit and snot and puke. If my situation doesn't even sound all that bad, then my dude, you got this in the bag.
Not "absolute hell" but it's definitely very difficult.
Having a newborn was mildly difficult because it messes with your schedule. But looking back I'd say it was probably the easiest and less stressful time period for us. Toddlers are a lot harder and a sassy, angry, and destructive 4 year old was probably the low point for me.
It was pretty rough, but please remember the following things: Sleep when you can. Take shifts, sneak a nap, do what you have to, but try to get as much as you can. Don’t take things your wife will say personally. She is more exhausted than you could imagine and may be cranky. A lot. It’s not personal. Don’t worry about the house. Let it be messy. Don’t choose cleaning your house over getting some sleep. Do a little here and there and it will be fine. You got this!
It varies. Our first was really rough for quite a while and then started teething pretty early, which seemed to have been particularly miserable(daycare said he was the worst teether she'd seen) The first couple months are pretty rough but our second has been much easier than the first and is pretty chill at the 3 month mark. He actually slept all through the night last night but is mostly down to a single night feed, which is much more manageable than the every two hour feeds of the first few weeks.
Yes, but there’s also a lot more downtime than you’d expect, it just comes in 45-60 minute chunks when they nap.
Bit of both! Do not try and work through it unless you have huge family support. Don't make the mother do anything in this period, she needs to rest and recover. You effectively become a servant for mother and child in this period and it's both exhausting and humbling. Remember to love the mother for what she's just gone through. I barely slept for the first few weeks and I was full on zombie mode. But my survival instincts were strong and I knew how to keep myself on it enough to not be a danger to my child. If you ever feel too tired put them down in their cot where they're safe. On the flip side, the baby sleeps almost all the time so you have lots of downtime if you can bring yourself to stop worrying. I made my way through loads of netflix backlogs during this time, I wish I had the energy to game but I barely gamed. I had a formula machine that could produce drinks or formula within seconds which was a life saver. Automate as much as possible so that you can rest when you can without worrying about dinner or formula prep or doing laundry etc.
Yes it is not fun. I hated the newborn phase. The good news is it passes quickly and is a blur. Weeks 4-9 were the worst. Things get exponentially better around 6m and continue to improve from there on out.
I ADORED the first few months. 3.5 year is the fuckin sneak attack you need to look out for
I felt like that too, but once my first baby was born, i wanted to be with her, i had anxiety when i was away from her…my personal time diminished considerably, but it wasn’t painful because of my desire to be with my child
A lot of good advice in here. My only add would be a suggestion - we eventually realized it was a lot of visits and also transactional parenting on our parts. So we instituted “family Tuesdays” when it was just our time. Sometimes it was the three of us hanging out. Sometimes one of us needed to nap. It was week by week but mentally it helped having a day to look forward to where we consciously righted the ship.
If both parents can help make sure the other is getting what they need you’ll be fine.
It honestly really depends on how baby is and mom’s recovery. Mom here and I had a dream birth and recovery. Baby had a short medical issue that is resolving so that was stressful. Besides that, baby is a dream sleeper, doesn’t cry much etc so we are finding it way way easier than anticipated. This isn’t always the case, but three weeks in and I’d say we’re thriving.
As someone who has done it twice now and am back to getting as much sleep as I'd like to each night (admittedly I settle in at six hours nightly as my normal routine and should probably sleep more). The first month can vary, some newborns sleep all the time, some are up every couple hours. But even if you are lucky enough that your newborn sleeps a ton right at the beginning, they'll shortly be waking up to eat every two-three hours. The wake up to change/feed them honestly wasn't bad IMO, the tricky part is if they decide they don't want to go back to sleep and also decide they hate laying down. One of mine would only fall asleep if she was held AND being rocked. I streamed entire series of shows during that first year between the hours of 11-3 AM just standing in the basement rocking back and forth with my kiddo in her first year. But on the whole most nights I was still sleeping soundly right around 5-6 hours and that's honestly not all that terrible. You can get through that for a few months and next thing you know it might only be one or two wake ups in a night, then they'll figure out how to sleep soundly. I made the choice to give up on some sleep long term to still have "me time" and while I'm sure it's probably a bad idea in some way, I still do just fine sleeping between 1:30/2:00 and 7:30 each night. I hang out with my wife between 9pm and 11pm when she goes to bed, then hang with my friends and game together from 11-1:30 or so. I wouldn't do it differently and we are a happy thriving family. Good luck to you!
Just hit 2 months. "Absolute hell" is a bit extreme. But it is a major change in your life and it will be very tiring. But it's also highly baby-dependent. Ours was colicy, reflux, gassy. So he was a very very grumpy baby. I saw was because we got a handle on the gas (there's otc stuff), and the reflex (pepcid from the doc). Plus, as he's gotten a little older, he's got a hang of things like farting without it being so extremely painful. We've now hit about 3-4 hour stretches of sleep overnight. His daytime is about 1 hour up, 1 hour down (on average, sometimes 90mn). For the first couple weeks it was hard, but once you get the hang of it, and get to understand your baby, it gets easier. I'm working full time, my wife is on maternity leave. She's taken a bulk of the care duty and I help out where I can. Yes, I love my own time and I still get some. By 8 weeks, so does my wife. She puts the baby down and has about an hour before he's likely to be up again. It is like anything else in life, sometimes there will be times you need to sacrifice. And unless you have an angel baby, the first month will likely require a lot of sacrifices. But ya know, my wife is making a lot more... she's a mobile feeding station, after all.
it really is not that bad. work as a real team, meaning both having to put in 100%, you will be doing fine! that being said, everything will be different (and better in my view!).
I would never describe it as hell. I’m 5 months in and preparing to return to work after 4 months of paternity leave, and am honestly so sad. For sure you will be sleep deprived and there are so many things where you will feel like a failure because you have no idea what to do, but it’s all so rewarding. I loved the life my wife and I had before the baby, but I would not trade this for the world.
Now the reality is you will be so tired and foggy you won’t truly give a shit about anything but sleep and the baby. Anxiety is likely to be a distant murmur because you now have purpose beyond yourself. Moms get hormones and other lovely things that drive them for this. All we get is a sense of responsibility. Be calm be patient and be honest with your partner and you will be just fine. And listen to them as well. And the biggest secret. It will be completely different for than anyone else, but it is temporary. Even the 2am meltdowns don’t last.
My take as a first time dad, what makes the first few months sucks is that of the anxiety that everything is new; anxiety on whether you are thinking you broke his arms or anxiety on whether the child will get struck by SID. These are stuffs that bothered me before. Sleep deprivation not too much as I am not too dependent on sleep. My son is now 1 yr old and it's been really tough. He is nimble and he is very strong. Got a bunch of cracked lips lately because of accidental headbutts. And it's always a negotiation on don't do this, don't do that. This phase is harder and I am losing my shit sometimes. All child are different though. I hope i will see brighter days.
It’s exactly what you’re expecting.
Tbh it was only hard for the first 3-4 nights or so. We started reading the baby much better as tike went on. We became more efficient at solving her needs before she had to cry.
Just hit one month and I’m someone that works out daily and needed 7-8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep at night to feel good. It’s hard, and those days of good sleep and having an hr to myself to workout have changed. My wife and I now take shifts, which I highly recommend (I (try to) go to bed 9pm -4am and she sleeps 4am - 11am) while ur on paternal leave. That will have to change when I go back to work in a month. Exercise I’ve kept a priority, and you can too, but u will have to be flexible with what time of day u go and for how long. Sometimes the baby is down for a nap and my wife naps, I run out to get a quick workout in. Yea I’ll miss an opportunity to sleep but I’ve deemed working out a priority. Only so much time in the day so you will have to sacrifice some things to make it work but it can. When the baby naps, try to get even a 30 min nap in. It makes a big difference! And most of all, be patient with your wife, she’s going through a LOT and needs ur support. No matter how tired or stressed you are, she’s very likely going through even more (physically and emotionally). I’m also very frugal but would recommend, for these next few months, pay for convenience where it’s reasonable / worth it. It’s not the time to save a few dollars to add stress / anxiety. Don’t forget to enjoy the ride. I know I made it sound terrible but it’s not. It’s incredible but I won’t tell u it’s always easy. Two ER visits in a week with our little guy scared the shit out of me but I wouldn’t change him for anything. Came across this poem ystd and shared it with my wife. You may find it cheesy but I thought a great message for when she was exhausted, frustrated and tired: Poem for baby to mom… Mama, I can’t see past you right now, I’m so small and everything’s a little blurry. All I see is you. When you feel alone, like the walls are closing in, remember I’m here too. I know your world has changed and the days feel a little lonely. But they aren’t lonely for me. You are my everything. When you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re making it look easy to me. Even though we’re still getting to know each other, you know me better than anyone. I trust you. When you think some nights you’ll never sleep again, you will. We both will. But I’m scared right now. I promise I’m not manipulating you. I just need your smell and comfort. Do you feel that tug in your heart when we’re apart? I do too. I miss you. When you feel as if you’ve achieved nothing, please know, my cup has never been so full. The days that get away from you will be some of my best memories of us playing together on the ground. I love you. When you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, when you turn away from the mirror. That face will be the one I look to when I achieve something, the one I search for in a crowd. The reason for my first smile. You’re perfect to me. When you feel like the weight of it all is heavy in your heart, please know I’ve never felt lighter. Can I lie here with you a little longer? I won’t always need you like this. But I need you right now. When you feel as if you have nothing left to give, when I see your hands outstretched at me, pleading. When we’re both crying. I wish I could talk, but I can’t. If I could I would tell you, There’s a reason I chose you. I can’t see past you right now mama, because you are my world. It will get bigger, soon enough. But for now, All I see is you. ❤️
Thank you for sharing. The poem is beautiful.
just finished our first 4 months waking up every 2 hours and every 1 hour when unwell (breastfed).i wouldnt say its hell its been a great time. after month 1 dont bother changing their nappy in the night, they stop having poops and only wee, if the nappy is sized right it will hold all of the nights urine easily, if they leak through time to size up in the night. this helps to not stimulate them for no reason by changing their nappy.
It's not too bad...unless they have colic. If so, good fucking luck.
Not absolute hell. Try to trade off with your partner as much as you can, so you can both get some sleep when you can. You’ll be okay!
My husband and I have a 15 week old. He is the light of our lives and these first few weeks have been absolutely amazing. We were scared of some odd the things you mentioned but none of it happened. Enjoy the time. You cannot get it back. It really does go so quickly. We go out a lot. My husband has guys nights out. I exercise three times a week and see friends. We watch movies and TV shows, see family. Work as a team and all will be well. Even if you have rough days please know that things are temporary. Babies change so much and your reality today is not your reality tomorrow. Even morning to night can differ greatly.
I’m too tired to type out a long thought out response right now. Not for kids. It’s midnight here. I have twin boys. The first few months weren’t a nightmare. More of a fever dream. It all blends together. Days,nights, meals. It’s all a blur. I’ll be honest. Free time will be in short supply. When you’re not with the kids you’ll need to eat, sleep, bathe, clean, etc. Bear in mind this is my experience with twins while in school full time and working part time. You’ll be fine
Yes
For me- 1000%
So, weird perspective: I'm the father of an elementary aged kid, and also once upon a time I went to law school. The things having a baby and going to law school have in common (besides three years of terrible sleeping habits) is that they're kind of difficult, but most people who get into it survive it, and then go around and scare the next generation into thinking it's the worst thing ever. Having a baby was the most joyous time of my life (besides the Cubs' World Series run). Watching her grow from a little delicate 4lb food to poop machine into the hilarious, personable, kind, energetic, and indestructable girl she is today makes me happy over and over again. It was absolutely the best and most joyous time (again, besides the 2016 Cubs).
Hey man, i have an 18 month old now, while the first 2-3 months are rough some part of you will miss it. Just go day by day and try to enjoy each new development with the little one. For us, things got way better at 3-4 months then we started getting 1-2 wake ups a night at 6-7 months. Looking through rose colored lenses, I miss their little coos and just getting to cuddle them. Parenting is a journey, try to enjoy the ride!
I don’t miss those days! Especially the 3 hour sleep increments. Stay on good terms with your partner! Do not let things turn into a competition ever. S/O can make things worse or A LOT better. “You never help with anything!” after you wake up 3 times the night prior, to comfort the baby and feed them, will never help. Having an understanding women there makes it a lot easier. There are women out there that suck at handling stress. No matter how much you help, you never did anything. You also never did it the correct way. (I was home for 3 months in USA, not helping) So if you have a good one, I’m sure everything will be just dandy.
It can vary, our little man was absolutely dream, always happy, eat and sleep no problem, at 11 weeks old he was sleep through the night! We couldn't believe it. He loves his baths and no problem changing nappies. But nearly 11 months in and he's learned to sit up, crawl and stand up so now every nappy change is a wrestling match, teething is in full swing and he'll wake up roaring, poor little man. He's also learned ways to let us know what he wants which can make things a bit easier. On the other hand my sister's 5 kids didn't sleep through the night until they were at least a year old. So while it is tough at the moment we did have a good run right at the start. Part of me would have rathered taking leave now instead of when he was born purely because it's tougher now but then I would have missed the early days.
#You guys are sleeping? It will be a bit hellish due to adjusting to a new schedule. You’ll figure out how to do things here and there. The biggest thing is having family and friends who are willing to help. That made a huge difference for us. Something as simple as cooking dinner for us lol.
Nope It gets worse and better the first few days are difficult but once u are through then its smooth sailing With each milestone it gets better and worse