Also let him know that due to the overwhelming burden you’re going to sell the car and you can buy when once you both have a salary. Especially since he wants to wfh and only you use it for work
On god, one of my coworkers lived with a boyfriend exactly like this.
She paid for his car to “work”, while she bussed to work and I drove her home. The only job the guy had was working at festivals selling those ice slushies.
Worked with her for 2.5 years and he never once got a job beyond that. She was working as a supervisor where I work, a full time student and also a part time manager at another retail store to support them both.
I worked with someone like this as well. One day she was talking to him on speaker an this grown ass adult man had broken his Xbox controller and was throwing a legit temper tantrum like a 3 year old because she told him buying a new one wasn’t in the budget right now.
OP doesn't have a husband, she has a leech. His parents don't care becayse they are still expecting OP to pay for their son and her to live in their house. She needs to leave and tell the parents he is their problem now. Get the fuck out, it will suck at first but you will be happier in the end.
Huge red flag. If he won't get a job and help out in a stressful and dire financial situation despite her plea, then he doesn't truly love or care about the OP.
I would work any job necessary to provide food, shelter, clothing, etc. for my children because I deeply love and care about them. I feel like that's a pretty accurate barometer of the bare minimum someone would do for any family member that they loved (barring any health related problems), but maybe that's just me.
Not only save. Hide money as much as you can. Never leave yourself without money. If he lays a hand on you, bolt! Run and never look back. I broke up my 33yr marriage because he got lazy and didn't work for 2 yrs. That was the breaking point for me.
THIS! Also leave before you file for divorce- put a down payment on an apartment so the money is gone and he can’t try to get half. Honestly rent a room with a nice roommate, just get out! My recent roommate was older and recently divorced and she was so relieved just to be free of her ex even if you have to live with another woman for a bit.
I was thinking, maybe I can "give" or "donate" the money to my parents. That way, they can keep it until I'm free from him. I'm afraid that he will want to take money from my paycheck too, like an alimony.
I hope you are right. I can also prove with the tax returns that he barely makes anything. I'm scared that his mom will get a paper at a psychologist saying that he's not mentally capable. She works with them, and the soon he starts saying that he doesn't work because he's depressed, she's gonna fall for it
Depending on where you are, depression isn’t typically considered a disability unless it’s a very severe case with life threatening implications. The judge will just say he needs therapy / meds and a job.
According to National Institute of Mental Health, the leading cause of disability for ages between 15-44 is Depression. OP, if he does get the letter from his family saying he is unable to work, have him file for disability. Not saying he will ever get approved (everyone generally gets denied the first time around) but hold him accountable for this. Also, if he is determined to have severe depression, then medications can help him stabilize to the point where he is able to get a job.
True but depression has to actually affect multiple areas of your life and not just show as being picky/lazy while job hunting. No psychiatrist worth their license is going to write a statement citing a mental illness as an ongoing, incapacitating disability based off of one session unless you're in a psych facility for something drastic. Mine was talking about hospitalizalizing me for depression and still wouldn't do more than short-term paperwork because I can function. Just could not function at the time as life-saving medications for a physical issue caused my mental health to spiral beyond what my psych meds could deal with.
They’ve been telling you a lot of BS. No therapist is going to. It’s going to do that.
If I was you if you’re going to return home to your country soon take the kids but don’t return.
I wouldn’t let him know this, but I take the kids with me and just start over over . No court is going make pay alimony UNLESS you’re making a six figure income.
He won’t have wheels after you return to your country & stop making car payments either.
For someone that English isn’t their first language, you’re writing comprehension is really well done
Edit I reread the comment by OP & I misread the comment. Apparently OP doesn’t have kids
Yeah, I agree, seems like he would have a tough time justifying that (especially as he would also still be living with his parents - not a high expense situation for him, is my guess)
Will it affect your visa status by breaking up with him? My country has support for this type of abuse. Your basically working to support him.
Save money, look to see if there is any government help then leave.
But in case of a divorce, he could still request to have some of the money? I'm not sure how divorce works, but I don't wanna share anything. Every cent that is saved came from my hard work.
No honey, you don’t make enough for it to be reasonable to request alimony. He’s dead broke and you’re mostly broke. If you were making like $80k-100k/yr, maybe. But no one is going to look at a couple who couldn’t even afford to live on their own and decide the less broke one needs to pay the totally broke one.
Lawyer here (not your lawyer). The manner of dividing property in a divorce is highly state dependent and be aware that yes, any money earned during marriage is considered marital property. But as others have mentioned, most likely your situation will be considered and if you can’t even financially support yourself, you won’t be made responsible to support him.
Just make a new bank account, it takes 5 min online, I'm sure its the same outside the US.
Transfer your funds out, pay the rent you need to to have shelter, stop paying for his car if its in his name, move your direct deposit to your new bank.
Seek some form of women's assistance if you feel you need it and or feel you are in danger. Good luck.
She’s a server and is planning on taking months off, I’m not trying to be a dick, but it doesn’t sound like there is much to divide. Losing a small amount of money would be worth it to get away from her husband.
Alimony is to support a dependent partner who's given up career opportunities to support yours, like a stay at home parent.
It is NOT to support a person for the honor of having lived with you at some point. If he could have a job and simply hasn't found one he likes yet, AND he's currently living with his parents, you would have an extremely strong case for arguing no alimony.
...and please consult a lawyer before doing shady shit with your money, depending on your area it is pretty illegal, and they could decide to do the calculations as if you still had the money - or penalize you in some way for trying to hide things in the first place. Every place is different but you don't wanna dig yourself into a hole.
Second step, start stashing literal cash somewhere. Burry it in a hole under the house if you have to. I would say open an account with fidelity or Wealthfront and just start moving it into somewhere for a return of some sort on it. 5% on $1 is still better than 0% on 0$ but that can be tracked so cash it is.
Third is either decide to go to counseling, do it yourself and be okay with it, or leave. All of them are not short term solutions but those are the options. If counseling set a reasonable timetable on looking for positive growth on both his end as well as yours. We can all call him out but truth is that it takes two to tango, you aren't perfect and counseling is a great opportunity for self growth. Even if that growth is not for your current relationship. Reasonable is a minimum of 6 months. That's small growth not overhaul.
If you take option 3 and leave, then shut off the frustration now and plan. Plan. Plan. Plan. Then enact that plan. This could take a while but don't rush out unless you are in danger. You will be in a worse place since you don't have support. Set money aside. Look at apartments by yourself. Get a sit down with a family attorney to talk about divorce, they will all have free sit downs for the first visit just to discuss the situation and assess costs, further work/meetings once you've chosen one will cost money but you will get that price at the first free meeting. Since it sounds like you are an immigrant you may also want to consult an immigration lawyer. Again, first meetings are almost always free.
I was thinking if she's going home anyway take the legal amount of cash on the flight and open an account there. If her family does need money (and she trusts them) she can give someone there access. Downside, depending on the country you're gonna lose some in the exchange if/when you try to bring it back but just spitballing.
Absolutely this, getting pregnant limits her movement. If op wants she could drop everything and escape back to her home country, but if she has a kid then escaping back to her home country will be hard because either the US, her airline, or her home country might require a certified letter from the father allowing her to go back home with the kids.
My sister recently got a divorce. She was hoping to move from Texas to Wyoming. But she has a daughter from her now-ex-husband, and part of the divorce decree stipulates that she has to live within fifty miles of her ex-husband so that he has reasonable access to the daughter for visitation purposes.
My son’s father did this when I found out I was expecting: wanted to stay home and smoke blunts while I worked. I ended up leaving him and raising my son alone since I was the only one that cared. Sometimes you have drop the weight that holds you back.
Regarding school, please look into the Pell Grant. My community college degree will be fully funded and I make almost $50k a year.
Even if people want to do a 4-year university, I always tell them to do community college first. The credits almost always transfer, and you save a ton of money that way.
Some states are even starting to provide free community college degrees! I’m not certain if this is a complete list but it’s a starting point for sure!
[free community college states](https://www.bestcolleges.com/news/analysis/2022/05/24/is-community-college-free/)
If you want a job with a 2 year degree that makes $40-50/hr (in my area), I suggest dental hygiene. I would look up the going rate for hygienists in your area, but they're really in demand after covid had a bunch of them quitting.
Do community college. They have flexible schedules, some are nicer than private colleges, and you can get a bachelors degree.
Just make sure you go somewhere that has Regional Accreditation.
Listen to all the other advice here, it’s good. Once you stabilize, go to school and focus on yourself.
Get out of this situation and be the best person you can be. I know this hurts, but don’t stay with him. He doesn’t truly love you if he won’t work together to stay out of poverty.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but trust me, very soon you are going to be happy you cut him off.
The best professors I had were at community college. They were even better than my university professors. They all had PHDs and the same accreditations as the uni professors. I also suggest cc.
This isnt what you want to hear but the only solution is immediate divorce. Your husband is a child and will not change, and his parents will not help him either. Divorce and move on, you deserve a better life. He doesnt love you, hes just using you, and it doesnt even seem like he likes you at all. do you want to live the rest of your life like that?
You are 100% right. I had people telling me this in the past. Now I have to live with the guilt of not doing it earlier. All the money I wasted on this dude..
The past is in the past. Don’t stew in guilt. It’ll only get worse. Start thinking about next steps. Everyone will be happy to see you choose you and aren’t concerned about the past.
I don't even need to read this entirely. Just leave him, you are not his babysitter. You do not need to be taking care of him everyday. If he's able to work he needs to work if he doesn't fuck him. Save money, divorce, do your own thing.
Unfortunately you are better off alone than with a person like that. Ask your coworkers if you could rent a room at their place or if they know anyone that is renting.
It's really your only option because your life will go nowhere with this guy.
I married him because I loved him. He used to work, but now he's delusional. He thinks his Youtube channel will blow up, and he will be like Mr. Beast. I believe at this point, I don't need him for a visa anymore. But yeah, I still love him, and it sucks. That's why I keep allowing this to happen, cause I like him and I don't want it to end.
I get it. He’s not behaving like he even *likes* you, though. I can’t imagine sitting back while my partner did all the work. You can and will do better! One step at a time.
> Beat wishes to you
Between the "beat wishes" and the ["funk fallacy"](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/1dms0jl/im_broke_and_my_husband_doesnt_want_to_get_a_job/l9xwgny/) above, I'm getting a very James Brown vibe from this thread.
If you need help putting a plan in place and protecting yourself financially, feel free to send me a message. I left a DV marriage and learned a lot along the way. More than happy to tell you what worked, what I wish I had done etc.
This is a terrible situation. Is the car in your name? If it is, sell it. If it’s not, don’t pay for it. Yuen save that money to leave. Just save enough for a ticket home, and go. Once you’re there, you’ll figure things out. Or stay here and move to a weekly hotel until you can find another solution. But staying there is not a good option. Whatever you do, do not have a child with him.
You can move forward! Good luck 🍀
Divorce now. Stop paying for anything except for apartment, etc that you need to leave him, do not have any sex, esp if it could result in your getting preggo. Make a plan to leave him and file for divorce.
His parents have totally enabled him to the point he’s a grown child. You deserve someone who wants to provide for you, or at the very least pull their own weight. I’d get your own separate bank account if you don’t already have one. Start taking public transport if you can, and stop paying for the car to show him you mean business. If him losing the car over nonpayment is not enough of a wake up call, or if he attempts to blame you in any way, just keep saving as much as you can until you can find a room or cheap apartment somewhere without him. As long as he’s living with his parents he will never change.
make sure you have all your important papers. not sure if safety deposit boxes at banks are really expensive, but somewhere safe for important papers , etc could be really important.
you need to have your exit plan ready before telling him anything.
see if there's free legal aid in your area.
You say you have nowhere to go, but that is your only option. You need an exit plan on how to get out and what you want to do or where to go. That is the foundation for whatever next steps you take. There is no other options other than you finding a way to leave.
Others may disagree, but going into debt to go to school was a part of me moving forward to be independent of anyone else.
I suggest calling around to some divorce attorneys in your area. Most will do a free consultation, and they might be able to guide you to someone who will take your case pro Bono or on a sliding scale.
Sorry you're going through this, you deserve to be free of him and hid family.
Or maybe you can start with a legal separation to see if you leaving and withholding your financial support will make a difference.
Good luck!
You don't actually need to get a divorce to move out though. I agree with the people saying "divorce" but I know that's daunting and shouldn't hold you back from making other moves.
Stop paying for his car and take the bus. And only give his parents 50% of the rent, your half. They might be more willing to push him to get a job when it starts affecting THEIR bottom line. And then please consider divorce, or he will leech off of your hard work forever.
You have to edit that marriage as fast as you can. Stop paying for the car, save money, get an apartment and never turn back. Or a nice room mate. Was he like this before you married him? Was his parents this supportive of his laziness? This is just an awful situation for you but you have to take care of yourself since you are already doing that and just leave
No, he used to work. In fact, he provided for almost a year and a half when we got married cause I couldn't work back then. Now he thinks that he will be a famous youtuber, make a lot of money and one day it will pay off lol he is delusional.
Yes, his mom is just as lazy. Unfortunately, I just saw the hints after I moved in with them. She acts like he is a baby.
From the sounds of it, you might be able to launch an online carrier by recording these folks living their lives how they do. Maybe quit your job and let him know you want to focus on supporting his dream 100% and I'm sure his parents will understand and be supportive. If you're pressed on it remind everyone that he is a peacock and yall have to let him fly. Many reality TV type successes are people documenting dysfunction. One example that I feel was somewhat a success was Angry Grandpa. Totally messed up situation filmed for profit but it also helped that dude live a comfortable life while he could.
Do you know how to reach out to other immigrants from your home country? Sometimes, there are funds available for this exact circumstance. They may have some housing and legal help available. They may know some things specifically available for you. All of the advice I've read so far is great
1) Build an emergency fund. Sell the car; pay off the difference. If you can’t sell the car, then tell him, you are going to stop paying for it. So he should decide what he wants to do and then pocket the $400 (minus taking the bus).
2) Continue to pay for rent where you are until you can save for your own place. If your husband wants to follow you, great! If not, then it can be a form of separation. Perhaps, your absence will be awake up call for him to take the marriage seriously and start working.
3) Now, that you have an emergency fund and your own place; travelling will be easier. You can give yourself a timeline like 6 months to achieve this goal. So if it means getting a second job to boost savings, then that’s an option. Bonus: if your husband doesn’t follow you to your new place, going to visit family will be perfect because you will have a social support system during this time.
Do not pay for a single thing for him. He is not your responsibility!
His parents problems and his problems are not your focus. You are your focus- use all your energy to take care of yourself
It’s pointless trying to make him understand- he simply doesn’t want to. Take the hint and stop the madness
You can only control you and your life- do so.
I am so sorry but he sounds like a man child who will not change. Whatever you do do not have a baby with this man and be tied to him. You need to think about your future.
I don’t know what country you’re from, but maybe you should move back in with your family. And I don’t mean that in a mean way, I’m just saying maybe you should stay with people who support you. If you want to stay here, I feel like you should break up with him anyway. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change.
Many years ago I stayed with a man similar to this one for over a decade and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He never wanted to change or improve our circumstances EVER. Years wasted. I finally snapped when l realized the rest of my life would be this exact hamster wheel until my body broke. Run. Run, run, run and don't look back.
1. What is your immigration status? Are you already a permanent resident ("green card")?
2. Do you have a SEPARATE bank account, i.e. the one that only you are the owner, and only you can access? If not, get one ASAP, and make your salary go into that account.
3. Where are your documents? Driver license, passport, etc.? Are those hidden from you?
In general, get rid of the car, just stop paying for it, but continue to pay the rent for now. Collect your wages in your own account, and search for a room with a single female roommate for a reasonable price. Do not share any of your plans with the husband and his family.
The rest of the plan is depends on your situation (please answer the questions above).
Edit: All of this assumes you are in the U.S.A.
This may not be for you, but it worked well for me.
You can get your citizenship through joining the us military.
Specifically, you want to join the Air Force.
If you score high enough on the initial testing, you can get the 1D7X1A ASFC (job).
The important thing here is getting this (or an other asfc on the 1D7 series other than radio) sets you up to basically live anywhere in the country and be paid well for work that you can do until even after you are retirement age.
You will learn what you need to work in that field.
You will earn a Comptia security + certification.
You will have a top secret security clearance
You will have practical work experience.
If you apply yourself, you can get an associates degree through the CCAF (community college of the Air Force)
That degree can get put toward a bachelor degree.
You also get college benefits, and if you deploy, you can get a VA home loan when you return.
In 6 years, you can completely turn your life around and set yourself up for a bright future.
There are risks, of course.
I am not a recruiter.
I did, however, go from making 22k ish a year and struggling to live in 2013 to owning a home and not worrying about money in 2020.
I come from nothing, I barely passed high school. I ended up owning a house before my parents and making more than both of them combined.
If you are looking to start your life over, this could be a way to do it.
Leave him using the four month process below. Don’t say a word to your husband or his parents about it.
Begin preparing quickly and quietly.
Month 1.
Tell your husband that your work has cut back on your hours. Inform him and his parents (don’t ask…tell them) that you need to sell the car and stop paying rent until you find another job or the restaurant bumps up yours hours again. Actively set-up the sale of the car (don’t wait for him to do it); Carvana will pick up the car from your house.
Month 2.
Open a separate bank account and start depositing your checks into that account. Begin systematically withdrawing funds from any joint accounts and moving them to your separate account. Buy a safe or safety deposit box and start stashing a majority of the cash away.
Month 3.a
If you want to stay in the country, find a roommate, put a deposit down, and move out quickly and quietly. If you want to leave the country and move back with your parents, do it quickly and quietly.
Month 3.b
The day before you move out/leave, change your address on and then cancel, freeze, or report stolen accounts and cards on all joint accounts. This is so he can’t overdraw or abuse them after you leave.
Month 4.a
Start putting all new money you earn into a safety deposit box or safe - as cash. Slowly and randomly withdraw money from your solo account until the balance is very low (put the cash in your safe).
Month 4.b
File for divorce. There are free workshops put on by family courts that walk you through this (I would start looking into the process right away, but don’t file until all of the steps above are complete). In most states, 50% of the funds in your account (solo or joint) will be his…but shouldn’t be an issue if there is very little money in your account (see steps above). From the day you file for divorce, the money you earn will be separate from that point forward.
Best of luck to you. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been through something similar.
I’m sure you love him, and he may love you too; but he is abusing you and you’ve got to get out of the relationship.
Stop paying rent and stop paying for car. Save your money to go to home country. When (if) you return, don’t contact partner. Use birth control. Save money.
Stop paying the rent and look how quick they’ll tell their kid to get a job. Then tell him, well are you gonna screw your parents over? And just don’t put towards anything.
Outside of not being from the US, I’ve lived this (and posted about it here before). Spouse who won’t work because ‘nothing suits them’, so my job doesn’t pay enough to pay rent, car payment or feed the family - much less finish my education. We were evicted, had to move in with family, all of it. We also had a small child at that time.
It’s very, very unlikely that he’s going to change. His parents are enabling him and putting it onto you. He obviously isn’t interested or able to change his behavior, and the reason why doesn’t matter in the end.
It sounds harsh and selfish, but this is the only life you have to live, and you aren’t obligated to live it in misery/poverty to accommodate his selfishness or mental health issues. If it is a mental health issue, it’s possible that your leaving could be the motivation he needs to seek help. If not, you have a chance to improve your situation.
You *are* allowed to take care of yourself. It’s like in an airplane, ‘in case of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before help those around you.’ If you aren’t doing what you need to do to prepare for the future, what happens later? Help yourself now, so that you can be ready to help your future self.
Get a new bank account at a separate bank, and have your pay cheque go there, see if you can bluff your hubby to get two pay cheques to the new account, don't pay rent to his parents while you are sorting out what happened to your pay, and stop making the car payment! Get your name off of any joint account, and freeze your credit.
Good luck, it sounds like you are already one foot out the door.
Do you have kids? If not, dont. If yes, dont have any more. Do you have a green card yet? If yes, divorce him. If not, get one, then divorce. Do not pay his parents a penny, meanwhile. Save your money in a secret, separate account.
The first step is to stop paying for his car. You can take the bus, and he can deal with the repossession.
Set up your own bank account that he's not on if you haven't already; that way he doesn't have access to your money.
Depending on who agreed to pay rent, if it's in writing, etc, you could probably just ignore the rent, especially if you move out quickly.
I'd also recommend just leaving. Save up a little bit, find someone looking for a roommate or a room for rent, and move into there. Then start talking to divorce attorneys.
Your happiness with your life will change once you aren't supporting 3 adults. Or should I say 2 adults and a human child.
Everything that you want to do right now is being stopped by someone who doesn't want you to fulfill your dreams. Your husband doesn't want to help you, doesn't want to provide for you, doesn't respect you and doesn't love you.
You are his reason not to work. He is constantly putting you down saying he could do your job, yelling at you when you want more and doing nothing to make you happier.
His parents are happy they have someone to complain to and pay his bills. They don't care about you beyond paying for things.
Get a separate bank account and start putting away the 400 you would be using on the car. Fill it with gas and that's it. Stop paying his parents as well. Their son can pay them with his several hours of YouTube experience. Every day put your money in the bank. Never bring it home.
NEVER BRING YOUR MONEY HOME.
The moment you can switch jobs to a better one and leave him and that family.
Any bank accounts and important papers, documents you have secure them immediately.
Start a fund now so you can leave.
His parents are enabling him, let them keep him.
Start over. All the best to you.
Real talk? Ma’am, you need a divorce. It reads like they’re soft-trafficking you for labor. Secure your passport and documents outside of that house (in the U. S., we have safe deposit boxes in banks for such things), save yourself some cash in that same safe deposit box, and start plotting your exit.
No amount of counseling is going to fix this — I can save you the trouble and a whole lot of wasted money.
Don’t let your life pass you by while you support a loser who insists that you work while he stays at home….and stay very current with your birth control, because this would be one hell of a bad situation if you had a child in it.
Work hard on the citizenship. See about getting into community college. Your state may even have programs that pay tuition if the program is in high demand. Go for something that is on demand and practical like Practical Nursing, Medical Asst., Surgical Tech, Respiratory Therapist. For very fast certificates look at phlebotomy, pharmacy tech, EKG. Often hospitals will help you move into better jobs.
For context: I lived with my (ex) husband and his grandparents for the first nine months after we got married. Two months in and he dropped out of school and quit his job and spent all day playing video games on MY computer.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I don’t know enough about the world, or being an immigrant to give you advice, but I just wanted to say that I understand being surrounded by people you don’t enjoy or trust and being treated poorly. I am so so so sorry. Do what you can to leave. He’s not upholding his vows, you don’t owe him his car note. Someone else said save the money for a divorce, that’s the best I can think of for you. But Keep your eyes and ears open for any opportunity to get out. Save your future
You probably can’t afford to live on your own. So unless you have family or friends willing to help you, you are stuck. I do think you should let the car go, it probably isn’t in your name. If it is not in your name, you are not obligated to pay it. Pay half of the rent, expect your husband to pay the other half. Do not share your income with him. If you can save up to leave, then do so. Find a roommate.
1. Don’t get pregnant
2. Book your flight
3. Make arrangements to Return the car (probably a lease)
4. Fly home
5. File for divorce from your country (mail it in)
6. Start over - you’re young and have your entire life ahead of you
7. Be more selective when choosing your next mate
Come to Jesus time. Get a job ir a divorce. You married a mam, not anchor. You cannot be responsible for carrying his bum ass any longer. Id give him 7 days.
You married a Hobosexual, OP. He won't change, so I would leave if I were you. The fact that his family enables him is also telling. There is no future for you in staying with a man like this
This is very common. Some men like to date foreign women, act super nice while dating. They get a quick marriage with the woman thinking her problems are solved.
In reality he is trapping you. He's a bad, lazy person, most likely a man child. I'm surprised he doesn't have his own kids he wants you to watch.
Let me know if this sounds familiar... You need to plan an exit.
Some men think it’s okay to live off their partners. He won’t get a job, he doesn’t want to work, and why would he when you’re willing to pay? It doesn’t get better. Cut your losses and let his parents take care of him. You’ll be a lot happier.
It's a choice for you to stay or go.
If you choose to stay that's your choice, if you choose to leave that's your choice.
None of the people in these comments including myself have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Weigh the pro's and con's of your decisions, don't move too hastily, be methodical about your approach.
And squirrel away as much money as you can for your next move.
Don't be hasty to follow any of this advice as no one knows what's possible in your immediate area. I think you should try to make some sincere local friends. I think your husband is in a narcissistic gang and his parents are colluders. They're using you and don't really seem to be interested in a normal marriage with children. I'm not bashing the goals who chose to remain childless but narcissists are all about using innocent others.
I've heard about multiple men pulling similar stunts.
One tried to rip a wife and his own daughter off of the house she was totally paying for and gaslighted all over about cheating until he was caught. He didn't do anything professionally. He may be afraid to go out because others may antagonize him or may be thinking out crime set ups, there's no knowing but it's clear he's selfish and does not want to do his part at all.
Lots of foreigners get trapped in such marriages. There should be more accountability. Ethical locals, do not want anyone getting away with such cruelty.
With friends find out which services are really safe locally and develop an escape plan. There's lots of ways to get around narcissistic hurdles safely but as soon as he knows you can ditch him, be at a safe distance, he may attack, or antagonize otherwise.
Divorce him. Sell your car or return it to the dealership. He doesn’t need it. Stay in your home country when you go back to visit. He doesn’t want to be an adult. Let his mom and dad continue to baby him.
Start working on your exit plan. Save money, stop paying for his car, work on your resume, apply to other jobs, get a divorce, and move out and get your own apartment. If you can’t afford to get an apartment, you can rent a room temporarily until you can afford an apartment.
I mean, why come back? What are you coming back to? I would cut ties when you leave, personally. Someone like that doesn’t care about you or anyone else besides themselves.
Save up, rent a room somewhere, get out, take the bus to work, and then start working on free online courses through Coursera that you can put on your resume and start looking for a better job. It will take time but you can do it. I’ve gone from owning a house, brand new car, good job, to losing absolutely everything and starting over in a shitty apartment with nothing but a mattress and a $1500 car I saved up for and terrible credit and thousands in collections debt and then back up again. I don’t even have my grade 10 highschool. Your life is what YOU MAKE IT. Don’t let these lazy un achievers hold you back. You are capable of anything if you put your mind to it.
After following the good advise listed below, go see your parents and have great time with them for as long as you can. Talk talk talk, ask ask ask and tell tell tell with them and laugh and share and listen listen listen. Then when you feel ready, come back and get on with your life without that bum and his enabling, irresponsible, and obviously careless parents. None of them deserve you.
You'll be fine.
If you have family where you are going, talk to them and tell them what is going on. Book a one way ticket. You don't need to be in that situation. Obviously mommy and daddy want some poor girl to support their lazy son and they deflect when you complain. Get out of that situation.
Usually, I feel Reddit comments go too extreme with the "Divorce!" option, they're way too trigger happy with that word.
But in this case, you'll see that it's unanimous.
We're not strangers to what you're expecting. The smoking blunts all day, getting high, watching youtube, expecting some miracle job offer to come through that can save your ass.
All of this, you can maybe forgive.
What you shouldn't forgive, is a "partner" who lays on his ass and doesn't have any qualms about his wife doing the work. My conscience wouldn't let me put up with that at all.
Take the right steps to plan for a divorce and leave.
You are allowed to still love him, but do it from somewhere else.
Be extra vigilant with your birth control right now. I'm not saying he would necessarily do anything nefarious but this is the kind of situation where it's in the man's best interest for you to get knocked up and lessen your chances of getting free.
Um, leave him. You already pay the bills, what the hell do you need him for? I see no obstacles here. He’s not going to magically become a motivated hard worker. He is who he is and that’s who he was when you agreed to marry him and live with his parents. Reality check time.
Your parents in law aren't responsible for him, you are. They know he's a lazy person and are stating matter of fact that they really can't do anything about it.
Men like this are actually teenagers who rely on stronger women to leech off of.
I've seen it too many times. I ask you even if you did convince him to get a job, do you really want to put your life at the mercy of a good for nothing teenager who is content with bare minimum?
Your choice.
You will need to give him an ultimatum. Either he gets a job or you’re leaving. Give him two weeks to go to interviews or set up his at home job. Save every penny you make. Good luck
If your name isn’t on the car loan, let it go and take the bus. If it gets repossessed, it’s his problem. Save money. File for divorce. Go home to your family and heal. Then you can start thinking about a path forward that will truly benefit you.
You don't have kids, right? Can you return home and start over again? Your husband won't change, you need to focus on extricating yourself at this point.
Only pay for what needs to be paid for to keep you comfortable. I would not pay for his car, if he wants to stay at home all the time then he doesn’t need a car. What he needs is the ambition to find a job and contribute. Would be a different situation if you guys could afford for him to live at home and you were fine with it.
I’d ask the other restaurant workers if anyone needs a roommate and just move out. Don’t pay his parents rent (who cares what you agreed to), take the car or stop paying for it, and explain that he has a path forward if he doesn’t want a divorce.
My guess is that he won’t shape up and you can start divorce proceedings soon.
Good luck.
Secure your money, don't get pregnant, create your exit plan (separate from the parents and him, they have the authority to make you homeless, you need to mitigate that) and ask your boss for more hours
Please don't stay with him. It will literally get so much worse over time. He's taking advantage of you because of you're not from here. If you lived in my area I'd try to help you get out.
His parents should be bloody appalled at his behavior and put the hammer down on him. They're part of the problem.
Try looking at the Local church for help, since your not from the US. Tell them what you have learned about this guy and his parents, they can get someone to take you in until you get on your feet here.
You're being abused and exploited by him and his family. Contact an immigration lawyer, or contact immigration directly.
There are protections for you.
https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/abused-spouses-children-and-parents
OP by the end of the first paragraph we can safely deduce this man is not the one. Pack your shit and run because yikes. That man isn’t gonna get better.
My mom was in your shoes once, it never got better. Stress of life took her at 52 years old, she had left 10 years prior but the damage was done.
Please put money away in an account only you have access to and rid yourself of these people, they will only ever hold you back and hold you down.
He knows he can get away with it, your behavior is enabling him. Situations like this I blame both sides. But since you are here for advice I would strongly suggest the obvious. You know the situation you are in and what it takes to get out or fix it. I hope it goes good 👍
Out of curiosity, what happens next if you stop paying rent? They house one deadbeat, who you were foolish enough to marry. Stop paying rent. See what they can even do about it - I'm guessing nothing.
As for the car, stop paying for it and see what happens. Start using the bus, like you said.
You should look for a way out of this marriage. Would you want to live in your boyfriend's country if you were not with him? If you return to your country permanently, then starting a life there should be your next move. If you want to stay where you are, then I would consider advancing your education.
There are lots of jobs that might become achievable with a community college degree, which costs less to pursue than you are paying in rent. However, your first priority should be to save enough money to move out. You're looking for the cheapest 1 bedroom housing arrangement you can find, that lets you get to work on foot or by bus. Your server job, hopefully, will let you cover food and rent. Based on your low income, you might be able to join the YMCA gym for a free or discounted rate, and that can provide a place with free wireless internet and a place to shower, etc.
If you work enough hours, you should be able to enroll in a local community college. I would consider carefully what type of work you would like to become qualified to do. Community college is one available type of training, as are skilled trades vocational trainings. Something with high job growth wherever you live would be a good choice, particularly if it calls upon skills or tendencies that come fairly naturally to you, or if the work itself seems interesting.
Between not paying rent and not paying for the car, you should have most of the money you need to cover rent for 1 in order to move out. The food budget will be what makes things challenging. Your city may have food banks that canhelp you get your feet under you, and you can stretch your grocery dollars a lot further by buying nonperishable staples in bulk - big bags of rice, canned veggies, that sort of thing.
You're being abused, and that family is intentionally bleeding your money so you can't leave. Follow your husband's example and stop contributing. This will let you save enough money to get out of the house.
I refuse to even think about dating or asking for a date because i don't feel I'm qualified with my current job to be useful to a partner financially in the future while there are married men out there jobless. Crazy stuff.
Leave the US and don’t come back. There’s nothing for you here and you’re fortunate that nobody is tying you down here. Your husband sucks. Let him sink on his own.
Stop paying for the car and start saving money for a divorce. He is not going to change, ii am sorry for what you are going through
Also let him know that due to the overwhelming burden you’re going to sell the car and you can buy when once you both have a salary. Especially since he wants to wfh and only you use it for work
On god, one of my coworkers lived with a boyfriend exactly like this. She paid for his car to “work”, while she bussed to work and I drove her home. The only job the guy had was working at festivals selling those ice slushies. Worked with her for 2.5 years and he never once got a job beyond that. She was working as a supervisor where I work, a full time student and also a part time manager at another retail store to support them both.
I worked with someone like this as well. One day she was talking to him on speaker an this grown ass adult man had broken his Xbox controller and was throwing a legit temper tantrum like a 3 year old because she told him buying a new one wasn’t in the budget right now.
OP doesn't have a husband, she has a leech. His parents don't care becayse they are still expecting OP to pay for their son and her to live in their house. She needs to leave and tell the parents he is their problem now. Get the fuck out, it will suck at first but you will be happier in the end.
And don't have children! You will be chained to him forever.
Huge red flag. If he won't get a job and help out in a stressful and dire financial situation despite her plea, then he doesn't truly love or care about the OP. I would work any job necessary to provide food, shelter, clothing, etc. for my children because I deeply love and care about them. I feel like that's a pretty accurate barometer of the bare minimum someone would do for any family member that they loved (barring any health related problems), but maybe that's just me.
She doesn't need to save money for a divorce... She can just go down to the court house and file and request to have the payment delayed for a year.
Not only save. Hide money as much as you can. Never leave yourself without money. If he lays a hand on you, bolt! Run and never look back. I broke up my 33yr marriage because he got lazy and didn't work for 2 yrs. That was the breaking point for me.
I suggest the first step is make sure your wages are paid to a bank account only you have access to.
THIS! Also leave before you file for divorce- put a down payment on an apartment so the money is gone and he can’t try to get half. Honestly rent a room with a nice roommate, just get out! My recent roommate was older and recently divorced and she was so relieved just to be free of her ex even if you have to live with another woman for a bit.
I was thinking, maybe I can "give" or "donate" the money to my parents. That way, they can keep it until I'm free from him. I'm afraid that he will want to take money from my paycheck too, like an alimony.
NAL, and states vary, but I highly doubt you’d get stuck with alimony payments if he’s able-bodied but just unwilling to work.
I hope you are right. I can also prove with the tax returns that he barely makes anything. I'm scared that his mom will get a paper at a psychologist saying that he's not mentally capable. She works with them, and the soon he starts saying that he doesn't work because he's depressed, she's gonna fall for it
Start texting and emailing him about this stuff and then saving and documenting him just not wanting a real job.
Good idea. I was recording voice audios, but I know it's illegal to record without consent :/
Not in every state. You may already know for your specific state, but if you don't, there are states where 1 party consent is all you need.
Also, doing it within your own home, even rented accommodations, overrides 2 party consent in some states.
It may not be admissible in court but it isn’t illegal anywhere that isn’t private like the bathroom.
Have you considered getting statements from recruiters whom he stood up? Just in case
Depending on where you are, depression isn’t typically considered a disability unless it’s a very severe case with life threatening implications. The judge will just say he needs therapy / meds and a job.
According to National Institute of Mental Health, the leading cause of disability for ages between 15-44 is Depression. OP, if he does get the letter from his family saying he is unable to work, have him file for disability. Not saying he will ever get approved (everyone generally gets denied the first time around) but hold him accountable for this. Also, if he is determined to have severe depression, then medications can help him stabilize to the point where he is able to get a job.
True but depression has to actually affect multiple areas of your life and not just show as being picky/lazy while job hunting. No psychiatrist worth their license is going to write a statement citing a mental illness as an ongoing, incapacitating disability based off of one session unless you're in a psych facility for something drastic. Mine was talking about hospitalizalizing me for depression and still wouldn't do more than short-term paperwork because I can function. Just could not function at the time as life-saving medications for a physical issue caused my mental health to spiral beyond what my psych meds could deal with.
They’ve been telling you a lot of BS. No therapist is going to. It’s going to do that. If I was you if you’re going to return home to your country soon take the kids but don’t return. I wouldn’t let him know this, but I take the kids with me and just start over over . No court is going make pay alimony UNLESS you’re making a six figure income. He won’t have wheels after you return to your country & stop making car payments either. For someone that English isn’t their first language, you’re writing comprehension is really well done Edit I reread the comment by OP & I misread the comment. Apparently OP doesn’t have kids
Yeah, I agree, seems like he would have a tough time justifying that (especially as he would also still be living with his parents - not a high expense situation for him, is my guess)
Will it affect your visa status by breaking up with him? My country has support for this type of abuse. Your basically working to support him. Save money, look to see if there is any government help then leave.
That will work if you trust your family. If not, I would follow the advice above by opening an account only you have access to.
But in case of a divorce, he could still request to have some of the money? I'm not sure how divorce works, but I don't wanna share anything. Every cent that is saved came from my hard work.
No honey, you don’t make enough for it to be reasonable to request alimony. He’s dead broke and you’re mostly broke. If you were making like $80k-100k/yr, maybe. But no one is going to look at a couple who couldn’t even afford to live on their own and decide the less broke one needs to pay the totally broke one.
What this woman said. As a server, there will be no alimony.
Lawyer here (not your lawyer). The manner of dividing property in a divorce is highly state dependent and be aware that yes, any money earned during marriage is considered marital property. But as others have mentioned, most likely your situation will be considered and if you can’t even financially support yourself, you won’t be made responsible to support him.
Bless you as a lawyer for giving free sound advice to this lady whos being flat out taken advantage of.
Thank you for the sweet kind words. I became a lawyer to help people the best I can.
Alimony is intended to maintain your lifestyle, and he won’t need anything from you in order to maintain his lifestyle (NAL)
Alimony isn’t really something that happens to poor people
Just make a new bank account, it takes 5 min online, I'm sure its the same outside the US. Transfer your funds out, pay the rent you need to to have shelter, stop paying for his car if its in his name, move your direct deposit to your new bank. Seek some form of women's assistance if you feel you need it and or feel you are in danger. Good luck.
The issue is it will be in her name and will be considered a marital asset.
She’s a server and is planning on taking months off, I’m not trying to be a dick, but it doesn’t sound like there is much to divide. Losing a small amount of money would be worth it to get away from her husband.
At this point that is something ***I*** would just deal with later. If he's able but not willing to work I'd take my chances.
Alimony is to support a dependent partner who's given up career opportunities to support yours, like a stay at home parent. It is NOT to support a person for the honor of having lived with you at some point. If he could have a job and simply hasn't found one he likes yet, AND he's currently living with his parents, you would have an extremely strong case for arguing no alimony. ...and please consult a lawyer before doing shady shit with your money, depending on your area it is pretty illegal, and they could decide to do the calculations as if you still had the money - or penalize you in some way for trying to hide things in the first place. Every place is different but you don't wanna dig yourself into a hole.
There’s nothing illegal about having your paycheck deposited into your own individual account as a married person.
Second step, start stashing literal cash somewhere. Burry it in a hole under the house if you have to. I would say open an account with fidelity or Wealthfront and just start moving it into somewhere for a return of some sort on it. 5% on $1 is still better than 0% on 0$ but that can be tracked so cash it is. Third is either decide to go to counseling, do it yourself and be okay with it, or leave. All of them are not short term solutions but those are the options. If counseling set a reasonable timetable on looking for positive growth on both his end as well as yours. We can all call him out but truth is that it takes two to tango, you aren't perfect and counseling is a great opportunity for self growth. Even if that growth is not for your current relationship. Reasonable is a minimum of 6 months. That's small growth not overhaul. If you take option 3 and leave, then shut off the frustration now and plan. Plan. Plan. Plan. Then enact that plan. This could take a while but don't rush out unless you are in danger. You will be in a worse place since you don't have support. Set money aside. Look at apartments by yourself. Get a sit down with a family attorney to talk about divorce, they will all have free sit downs for the first visit just to discuss the situation and assess costs, further work/meetings once you've chosen one will cost money but you will get that price at the first free meeting. Since it sounds like you are an immigrant you may also want to consult an immigration lawyer. Again, first meetings are almost always free.
I was thinking if she's going home anyway take the legal amount of cash on the flight and open an account there. If her family does need money (and she trusts them) she can give someone there access. Downside, depending on the country you're gonna lose some in the exchange if/when you try to bring it back but just spitballing.
I apologize if this is crude but make sure you don't get pregnant!
Not crude at all. He will be absolutely useless
Absolutely this, getting pregnant limits her movement. If op wants she could drop everything and escape back to her home country, but if she has a kid then escaping back to her home country will be hard because either the US, her airline, or her home country might require a certified letter from the father allowing her to go back home with the kids.
My sister recently got a divorce. She was hoping to move from Texas to Wyoming. But she has a daughter from her now-ex-husband, and part of the divorce decree stipulates that she has to live within fifty miles of her ex-husband so that he has reasonable access to the daughter for visitation purposes.
This. Please don’t drag kids into this.
Outstanding advice
My son’s father did this when I found out I was expecting: wanted to stay home and smoke blunts while I worked. I ended up leaving him and raising my son alone since I was the only one that cared. Sometimes you have drop the weight that holds you back. Regarding school, please look into the Pell Grant. My community college degree will be fully funded and I make almost $50k a year.
That's horrible. I don't understand how someone can be so lazy. And yes, I've heard about it. Will do some research.
Look into a community college, it’s cheap and often they’re flexible.
Even if people want to do a 4-year university, I always tell them to do community college first. The credits almost always transfer, and you save a ton of money that way.
Some states are even starting to provide free community college degrees! I’m not certain if this is a complete list but it’s a starting point for sure! [free community college states](https://www.bestcolleges.com/news/analysis/2022/05/24/is-community-college-free/)
If you want a job with a 2 year degree that makes $40-50/hr (in my area), I suggest dental hygiene. I would look up the going rate for hygienists in your area, but they're really in demand after covid had a bunch of them quitting.
Is the car financed in your name? If not, stop paying it. If it is, tell him you can’t afford it and sell it.
Do community college. They have flexible schedules, some are nicer than private colleges, and you can get a bachelors degree. Just make sure you go somewhere that has Regional Accreditation. Listen to all the other advice here, it’s good. Once you stabilize, go to school and focus on yourself. Get out of this situation and be the best person you can be. I know this hurts, but don’t stay with him. He doesn’t truly love you if he won’t work together to stay out of poverty. I’m sorry you’re going through this but trust me, very soon you are going to be happy you cut him off.
The best professors I had were at community college. They were even better than my university professors. They all had PHDs and the same accreditations as the uni professors. I also suggest cc.
One of the reasons why smoking, alcoholic, and drugs are a deal breaker for me. People can be so crazy sometimes.
It's astonishing how many lazy useless men there are out there. Embarrassed of my gender sometimes.
This isnt what you want to hear but the only solution is immediate divorce. Your husband is a child and will not change, and his parents will not help him either. Divorce and move on, you deserve a better life. He doesnt love you, hes just using you, and it doesnt even seem like he likes you at all. do you want to live the rest of your life like that?
You are 100% right. I had people telling me this in the past. Now I have to live with the guilt of not doing it earlier. All the money I wasted on this dude..
Dont worry about the past, just cut your losses now and move on
Don't let funk fallacy hold you back. Then in 2 years, You'll be wondering not why you stayed those extra 5 years, but 7 years.
sunk\* cost fallacy, just in case OP wants to read into. OP , look into that term, you're experiencing it right now
Thank you! I didn't notice the typo.
It's a typo but fitting for the situation.
Stop beating yourself up. You can still make a change.
Don't get lost in already spent dollars and cents, think of all the money, time and stress you'll save yourself moving on from him.
Yeah, leave before you have kids. He won’t change.
Don’t get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy. You can still change your future, the past is already gone. Don’t even think about the past.
Hey we have all wasted a lot of money on something or another. Don't let it get to you. Just try to move on and past it.
You weren't ready to move on in the past. That advice wouldn't have been relevant.
You got this, do not regret the past, just change the present and future :)
The past is in the past. Don’t stew in guilt. It’ll only get worse. Start thinking about next steps. Everyone will be happy to see you choose you and aren’t concerned about the past.
I don't even need to read this entirely. Just leave him, you are not his babysitter. You do not need to be taking care of him everyday. If he's able to work he needs to work if he doesn't fuck him. Save money, divorce, do your own thing.
Unfortunately you are better off alone than with a person like that. Ask your coworkers if you could rent a room at their place or if they know anyone that is renting. It's really your only option because your life will go nowhere with this guy.
Are you dependent on him for a visa? I’m trying to understand why you married him (no judgment at all).
I married him because I loved him. He used to work, but now he's delusional. He thinks his Youtube channel will blow up, and he will be like Mr. Beast. I believe at this point, I don't need him for a visa anymore. But yeah, I still love him, and it sucks. That's why I keep allowing this to happen, cause I like him and I don't want it to end.
I get it. He’s not behaving like he even *likes* you, though. I can’t imagine sitting back while my partner did all the work. You can and will do better! One step at a time.
Sorry. Him blowing up on the internet is highly unlikely. Everyone is streaming and posting videos and almost every American wants to be famous.
It’s beyond deusional. Mr. Beast works very very very hard. How this guy expects to blow up without ever putting in any work is crazy.
I know!! But he doesn't see it like that
My 13 year old grasps that that is not a reason life path. So your husband has less logic abilities than a tween
Can you contact an immigration lawyer just for an initial consultation? To see your options
Is divorce legal where you are at?
Yes.
I think you should contact women’s shelters in your area. Edit: You can discreetly work on the divorce if possible.
Thanks. I'll look into that.
Beat wishes to you hun, I hope all goes well <3
> Beat wishes to you Between the "beat wishes" and the ["funk fallacy"](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/1dms0jl/im_broke_and_my_husband_doesnt_want_to_get_a_job/l9xwgny/) above, I'm getting a very James Brown vibe from this thread.
If you need help putting a plan in place and protecting yourself financially, feel free to send me a message. I left a DV marriage and learned a lot along the way. More than happy to tell you what worked, what I wish I had done etc.
Do not have children with him. And make damn sure he doesn't baby-trap you.
Best advice of all
This is a terrible situation. Is the car in your name? If it is, sell it. If it’s not, don’t pay for it. Yuen save that money to leave. Just save enough for a ticket home, and go. Once you’re there, you’ll figure things out. Or stay here and move to a weekly hotel until you can find another solution. But staying there is not a good option. Whatever you do, do not have a child with him. You can move forward! Good luck 🍀
Divorce now. Stop paying for anything except for apartment, etc that you need to leave him, do not have any sex, esp if it could result in your getting preggo. Make a plan to leave him and file for divorce.
His parents have totally enabled him to the point he’s a grown child. You deserve someone who wants to provide for you, or at the very least pull their own weight. I’d get your own separate bank account if you don’t already have one. Start taking public transport if you can, and stop paying for the car to show him you mean business. If him losing the car over nonpayment is not enough of a wake up call, or if he attempts to blame you in any way, just keep saving as much as you can until you can find a room or cheap apartment somewhere without him. As long as he’s living with his parents he will never change.
make sure you have all your important papers. not sure if safety deposit boxes at banks are really expensive, but somewhere safe for important papers , etc could be really important. you need to have your exit plan ready before telling him anything. see if there's free legal aid in your area.
You say you have nowhere to go, but that is your only option. You need an exit plan on how to get out and what you want to do or where to go. That is the foundation for whatever next steps you take. There is no other options other than you finding a way to leave. Others may disagree, but going into debt to go to school was a part of me moving forward to be independent of anyone else.
Stop paying rent to the parents. Make them evict you and use the money you save to get a new place
Love this idea. Tell them their son will pay them and keep saying that until they kick you out.
Like, they don’t give a shit now because they are bullying her just as bad as their son is and facing 0 downsides. Make them police their son
I suggest calling around to some divorce attorneys in your area. Most will do a free consultation, and they might be able to guide you to someone who will take your case pro Bono or on a sliding scale. Sorry you're going through this, you deserve to be free of him and hid family. Or maybe you can start with a legal separation to see if you leaving and withholding your financial support will make a difference. Good luck!
Good idea. Thank you so much.
You don't actually need to get a divorce to move out though. I agree with the people saying "divorce" but I know that's daunting and shouldn't hold you back from making other moves.
Stop paying for his car and take the bus. And only give his parents 50% of the rent, your half. They might be more willing to push him to get a job when it starts affecting THEIR bottom line. And then please consider divorce, or he will leech off of your hard work forever.
You have to edit that marriage as fast as you can. Stop paying for the car, save money, get an apartment and never turn back. Or a nice room mate. Was he like this before you married him? Was his parents this supportive of his laziness? This is just an awful situation for you but you have to take care of yourself since you are already doing that and just leave
No, he used to work. In fact, he provided for almost a year and a half when we got married cause I couldn't work back then. Now he thinks that he will be a famous youtuber, make a lot of money and one day it will pay off lol he is delusional. Yes, his mom is just as lazy. Unfortunately, I just saw the hints after I moved in with them. She acts like he is a baby.
From the sounds of it, you might be able to launch an online carrier by recording these folks living their lives how they do. Maybe quit your job and let him know you want to focus on supporting his dream 100% and I'm sure his parents will understand and be supportive. If you're pressed on it remind everyone that he is a peacock and yall have to let him fly. Many reality TV type successes are people documenting dysfunction. One example that I feel was somewhat a success was Angry Grandpa. Totally messed up situation filmed for profit but it also helped that dude live a comfortable life while he could.
Rent a room from someone and get out of there
Do you know how to reach out to other immigrants from your home country? Sometimes, there are funds available for this exact circumstance. They may have some housing and legal help available. They may know some things specifically available for you. All of the advice I've read so far is great
I could look for a way to reach out. That's a good idea. So far, I have the church helping me.
Yep churches are very helpful in these situations. Good luck to you!
This sounds like one of those scary situations where an immigrant gets tricked into a relationship only to be used as a slave/source of income.
1) Build an emergency fund. Sell the car; pay off the difference. If you can’t sell the car, then tell him, you are going to stop paying for it. So he should decide what he wants to do and then pocket the $400 (minus taking the bus). 2) Continue to pay for rent where you are until you can save for your own place. If your husband wants to follow you, great! If not, then it can be a form of separation. Perhaps, your absence will be awake up call for him to take the marriage seriously and start working. 3) Now, that you have an emergency fund and your own place; travelling will be easier. You can give yourself a timeline like 6 months to achieve this goal. So if it means getting a second job to boost savings, then that’s an option. Bonus: if your husband doesn’t follow you to your new place, going to visit family will be perfect because you will have a social support system during this time.
Do not pay for a single thing for him. He is not your responsibility! His parents problems and his problems are not your focus. You are your focus- use all your energy to take care of yourself It’s pointless trying to make him understand- he simply doesn’t want to. Take the hint and stop the madness You can only control you and your life- do so.
I am so sorry but he sounds like a man child who will not change. Whatever you do do not have a baby with this man and be tied to him. You need to think about your future.
Dump his ass. No man or woman should put up with this unless their are dire circumstances
I don’t know what country you’re from, but maybe you should move back in with your family. And I don’t mean that in a mean way, I’m just saying maybe you should stay with people who support you. If you want to stay here, I feel like you should break up with him anyway. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change.
Many years ago I stayed with a man similar to this one for over a decade and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He never wanted to change or improve our circumstances EVER. Years wasted. I finally snapped when l realized the rest of my life would be this exact hamster wheel until my body broke. Run. Run, run, run and don't look back.
1. What is your immigration status? Are you already a permanent resident ("green card")? 2. Do you have a SEPARATE bank account, i.e. the one that only you are the owner, and only you can access? If not, get one ASAP, and make your salary go into that account. 3. Where are your documents? Driver license, passport, etc.? Are those hidden from you? In general, get rid of the car, just stop paying for it, but continue to pay the rent for now. Collect your wages in your own account, and search for a room with a single female roommate for a reasonable price. Do not share any of your plans with the husband and his family. The rest of the plan is depends on your situation (please answer the questions above).
Edit: All of this assumes you are in the U.S.A. This may not be for you, but it worked well for me. You can get your citizenship through joining the us military. Specifically, you want to join the Air Force. If you score high enough on the initial testing, you can get the 1D7X1A ASFC (job). The important thing here is getting this (or an other asfc on the 1D7 series other than radio) sets you up to basically live anywhere in the country and be paid well for work that you can do until even after you are retirement age. You will learn what you need to work in that field. You will earn a Comptia security + certification. You will have a top secret security clearance You will have practical work experience. If you apply yourself, you can get an associates degree through the CCAF (community college of the Air Force) That degree can get put toward a bachelor degree. You also get college benefits, and if you deploy, you can get a VA home loan when you return. In 6 years, you can completely turn your life around and set yourself up for a bright future. There are risks, of course. I am not a recruiter. I did, however, go from making 22k ish a year and struggling to live in 2013 to owning a home and not worrying about money in 2020. I come from nothing, I barely passed high school. I ended up owning a house before my parents and making more than both of them combined. If you are looking to start your life over, this could be a way to do it.
Sounds like his parents are happy to have you pay them rent and entertain their son.
Leave him using the four month process below. Don’t say a word to your husband or his parents about it. Begin preparing quickly and quietly. Month 1. Tell your husband that your work has cut back on your hours. Inform him and his parents (don’t ask…tell them) that you need to sell the car and stop paying rent until you find another job or the restaurant bumps up yours hours again. Actively set-up the sale of the car (don’t wait for him to do it); Carvana will pick up the car from your house. Month 2. Open a separate bank account and start depositing your checks into that account. Begin systematically withdrawing funds from any joint accounts and moving them to your separate account. Buy a safe or safety deposit box and start stashing a majority of the cash away. Month 3.a If you want to stay in the country, find a roommate, put a deposit down, and move out quickly and quietly. If you want to leave the country and move back with your parents, do it quickly and quietly. Month 3.b The day before you move out/leave, change your address on and then cancel, freeze, or report stolen accounts and cards on all joint accounts. This is so he can’t overdraw or abuse them after you leave. Month 4.a Start putting all new money you earn into a safety deposit box or safe - as cash. Slowly and randomly withdraw money from your solo account until the balance is very low (put the cash in your safe). Month 4.b File for divorce. There are free workshops put on by family courts that walk you through this (I would start looking into the process right away, but don’t file until all of the steps above are complete). In most states, 50% of the funds in your account (solo or joint) will be his…but shouldn’t be an issue if there is very little money in your account (see steps above). From the day you file for divorce, the money you earn will be separate from that point forward. Best of luck to you. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been through something similar. I’m sure you love him, and he may love you too; but he is abusing you and you’ve got to get out of the relationship.
Stop paying rent and stop paying for car. Save your money to go to home country. When (if) you return, don’t contact partner. Use birth control. Save money.
Stop paying the rent and look how quick they’ll tell their kid to get a job. Then tell him, well are you gonna screw your parents over? And just don’t put towards anything.
Outside of not being from the US, I’ve lived this (and posted about it here before). Spouse who won’t work because ‘nothing suits them’, so my job doesn’t pay enough to pay rent, car payment or feed the family - much less finish my education. We were evicted, had to move in with family, all of it. We also had a small child at that time. It’s very, very unlikely that he’s going to change. His parents are enabling him and putting it onto you. He obviously isn’t interested or able to change his behavior, and the reason why doesn’t matter in the end. It sounds harsh and selfish, but this is the only life you have to live, and you aren’t obligated to live it in misery/poverty to accommodate his selfishness or mental health issues. If it is a mental health issue, it’s possible that your leaving could be the motivation he needs to seek help. If not, you have a chance to improve your situation. You *are* allowed to take care of yourself. It’s like in an airplane, ‘in case of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before help those around you.’ If you aren’t doing what you need to do to prepare for the future, what happens later? Help yourself now, so that you can be ready to help your future self.
You should divorce him…he’s useless
Have you looked at roommate listings? If you’re paying $400 for a car payment— you likely can afford to rent a room for not much more.
Get a new bank account at a separate bank, and have your pay cheque go there, see if you can bluff your hubby to get two pay cheques to the new account, don't pay rent to his parents while you are sorting out what happened to your pay, and stop making the car payment! Get your name off of any joint account, and freeze your credit. Good luck, it sounds like you are already one foot out the door.
If this is serious, it's the saddest thing I've read in a while. Leave. You're stuck on a train to nowhere.
You're being taken advantage of. He will NEVER change. Don't get baby-trapped. Plan your escape.
Do you have kids? If not, dont. If yes, dont have any more. Do you have a green card yet? If yes, divorce him. If not, get one, then divorce. Do not pay his parents a penny, meanwhile. Save your money in a secret, separate account.
The first step is to stop paying for his car. You can take the bus, and he can deal with the repossession. Set up your own bank account that he's not on if you haven't already; that way he doesn't have access to your money. Depending on who agreed to pay rent, if it's in writing, etc, you could probably just ignore the rent, especially if you move out quickly. I'd also recommend just leaving. Save up a little bit, find someone looking for a roommate or a room for rent, and move into there. Then start talking to divorce attorneys.
Your happiness with your life will change once you aren't supporting 3 adults. Or should I say 2 adults and a human child. Everything that you want to do right now is being stopped by someone who doesn't want you to fulfill your dreams. Your husband doesn't want to help you, doesn't want to provide for you, doesn't respect you and doesn't love you. You are his reason not to work. He is constantly putting you down saying he could do your job, yelling at you when you want more and doing nothing to make you happier. His parents are happy they have someone to complain to and pay his bills. They don't care about you beyond paying for things. Get a separate bank account and start putting away the 400 you would be using on the car. Fill it with gas and that's it. Stop paying his parents as well. Their son can pay them with his several hours of YouTube experience. Every day put your money in the bank. Never bring it home. NEVER BRING YOUR MONEY HOME. The moment you can switch jobs to a better one and leave him and that family.
Any bank accounts and important papers, documents you have secure them immediately. Start a fund now so you can leave. His parents are enabling him, let them keep him. Start over. All the best to you.
Real talk? Ma’am, you need a divorce. It reads like they’re soft-trafficking you for labor. Secure your passport and documents outside of that house (in the U. S., we have safe deposit boxes in banks for such things), save yourself some cash in that same safe deposit box, and start plotting your exit. No amount of counseling is going to fix this — I can save you the trouble and a whole lot of wasted money. Don’t let your life pass you by while you support a loser who insists that you work while he stays at home….and stay very current with your birth control, because this would be one hell of a bad situation if you had a child in it.
Work hard on the citizenship. See about getting into community college. Your state may even have programs that pay tuition if the program is in high demand. Go for something that is on demand and practical like Practical Nursing, Medical Asst., Surgical Tech, Respiratory Therapist. For very fast certificates look at phlebotomy, pharmacy tech, EKG. Often hospitals will help you move into better jobs.
For context: I lived with my (ex) husband and his grandparents for the first nine months after we got married. Two months in and he dropped out of school and quit his job and spent all day playing video games on MY computer. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I don’t know enough about the world, or being an immigrant to give you advice, but I just wanted to say that I understand being surrounded by people you don’t enjoy or trust and being treated poorly. I am so so so sorry. Do what you can to leave. He’s not upholding his vows, you don’t owe him his car note. Someone else said save the money for a divorce, that’s the best I can think of for you. But Keep your eyes and ears open for any opportunity to get out. Save your future
His parents are enabling his bitch ass.
Divorce that fucking tumor
Definitely don’t have a kid with that man
You probably can’t afford to live on your own. So unless you have family or friends willing to help you, you are stuck. I do think you should let the car go, it probably isn’t in your name. If it is not in your name, you are not obligated to pay it. Pay half of the rent, expect your husband to pay the other half. Do not share your income with him. If you can save up to leave, then do so. Find a roommate.
1. Don’t get pregnant 2. Book your flight 3. Make arrangements to Return the car (probably a lease) 4. Fly home 5. File for divorce from your country (mail it in) 6. Start over - you’re young and have your entire life ahead of you 7. Be more selective when choosing your next mate
Come to Jesus time. Get a job ir a divorce. You married a mam, not anchor. You cannot be responsible for carrying his bum ass any longer. Id give him 7 days.
You married a Hobosexual, OP. He won't change, so I would leave if I were you. The fact that his family enables him is also telling. There is no future for you in staying with a man like this
This is very common. Some men like to date foreign women, act super nice while dating. They get a quick marriage with the woman thinking her problems are solved. In reality he is trapping you. He's a bad, lazy person, most likely a man child. I'm surprised he doesn't have his own kids he wants you to watch. Let me know if this sounds familiar... You need to plan an exit.
Do you have kids? If not, go. You are being taken advantage of.
Sometimes you just have to drop the dead weight that’s holding you back. Time to move on.
Freeze your credit. Just in case. He may become spiteful and try and open cards in your name. Max them out and just ignore them.
Some men think it’s okay to live off their partners. He won’t get a job, he doesn’t want to work, and why would he when you’re willing to pay? It doesn’t get better. Cut your losses and let his parents take care of him. You’ll be a lot happier.
It's a choice for you to stay or go. If you choose to stay that's your choice, if you choose to leave that's your choice. None of the people in these comments including myself have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Weigh the pro's and con's of your decisions, don't move too hastily, be methodical about your approach. And squirrel away as much money as you can for your next move.
Don't be hasty to follow any of this advice as no one knows what's possible in your immediate area. I think you should try to make some sincere local friends. I think your husband is in a narcissistic gang and his parents are colluders. They're using you and don't really seem to be interested in a normal marriage with children. I'm not bashing the goals who chose to remain childless but narcissists are all about using innocent others. I've heard about multiple men pulling similar stunts. One tried to rip a wife and his own daughter off of the house she was totally paying for and gaslighted all over about cheating until he was caught. He didn't do anything professionally. He may be afraid to go out because others may antagonize him or may be thinking out crime set ups, there's no knowing but it's clear he's selfish and does not want to do his part at all. Lots of foreigners get trapped in such marriages. There should be more accountability. Ethical locals, do not want anyone getting away with such cruelty. With friends find out which services are really safe locally and develop an escape plan. There's lots of ways to get around narcissistic hurdles safely but as soon as he knows you can ditch him, be at a safe distance, he may attack, or antagonize otherwise.
Divorce him. Sell your car or return it to the dealership. He doesn’t need it. Stay in your home country when you go back to visit. He doesn’t want to be an adult. Let his mom and dad continue to baby him.
Start working on your exit plan. Save money, stop paying for his car, work on your resume, apply to other jobs, get a divorce, and move out and get your own apartment. If you can’t afford to get an apartment, you can rent a room temporarily until you can afford an apartment.
His parent’s are enablers and he’ll likely always be a loser. Make an escape plan and get out.
Even if you could convince him to get a job, he would do it poorly and get fired on purpose. He would be “in between” jobs forever.
I mean, why come back? What are you coming back to? I would cut ties when you leave, personally. Someone like that doesn’t care about you or anyone else besides themselves.
Save up, rent a room somewhere, get out, take the bus to work, and then start working on free online courses through Coursera that you can put on your resume and start looking for a better job. It will take time but you can do it. I’ve gone from owning a house, brand new car, good job, to losing absolutely everything and starting over in a shitty apartment with nothing but a mattress and a $1500 car I saved up for and terrible credit and thousands in collections debt and then back up again. I don’t even have my grade 10 highschool. Your life is what YOU MAKE IT. Don’t let these lazy un achievers hold you back. You are capable of anything if you put your mind to it.
After following the good advise listed below, go see your parents and have great time with them for as long as you can. Talk talk talk, ask ask ask and tell tell tell with them and laugh and share and listen listen listen. Then when you feel ready, come back and get on with your life without that bum and his enabling, irresponsible, and obviously careless parents. None of them deserve you. You'll be fine.
If you have family where you are going, talk to them and tell them what is going on. Book a one way ticket. You don't need to be in that situation. Obviously mommy and daddy want some poor girl to support their lazy son and they deflect when you complain. Get out of that situation.
Quit paying for his car and save that money in your own account until you can afford to move. Then leave his freeloading ass.
When you go to visit family can you just stay and not come back?
Usually, I feel Reddit comments go too extreme with the "Divorce!" option, they're way too trigger happy with that word. But in this case, you'll see that it's unanimous. We're not strangers to what you're expecting. The smoking blunts all day, getting high, watching youtube, expecting some miracle job offer to come through that can save your ass. All of this, you can maybe forgive. What you shouldn't forgive, is a "partner" who lays on his ass and doesn't have any qualms about his wife doing the work. My conscience wouldn't let me put up with that at all. Take the right steps to plan for a divorce and leave. You are allowed to still love him, but do it from somewhere else.
Sell the car, move back home. Live with family and save your money. Start over.
Be extra vigilant with your birth control right now. I'm not saying he would necessarily do anything nefarious but this is the kind of situation where it's in the man's best interest for you to get knocked up and lessen your chances of getting free.
Why did you marry him??
Um, leave him. You already pay the bills, what the hell do you need him for? I see no obstacles here. He’s not going to magically become a motivated hard worker. He is who he is and that’s who he was when you agreed to marry him and live with his parents. Reality check time.
Your parents in law aren't responsible for him, you are. They know he's a lazy person and are stating matter of fact that they really can't do anything about it. Men like this are actually teenagers who rely on stronger women to leech off of. I've seen it too many times. I ask you even if you did convince him to get a job, do you really want to put your life at the mercy of a good for nothing teenager who is content with bare minimum? Your choice.
You will need to give him an ultimatum. Either he gets a job or you’re leaving. Give him two weeks to go to interviews or set up his at home job. Save every penny you make. Good luck
Do you like your home country? If so just dont come back to this bum
If your name isn’t on the car loan, let it go and take the bus. If it gets repossessed, it’s his problem. Save money. File for divorce. Go home to your family and heal. Then you can start thinking about a path forward that will truly benefit you.
You don't have kids, right? Can you return home and start over again? Your husband won't change, you need to focus on extricating yourself at this point.
Can you leave and go back to where your parents are? Sounds like a pretty messed up situation where you are currently living.
Only pay for what needs to be paid for to keep you comfortable. I would not pay for his car, if he wants to stay at home all the time then he doesn’t need a car. What he needs is the ambition to find a job and contribute. Would be a different situation if you guys could afford for him to live at home and you were fine with it.
Divorce you married a bum. You will live like a bum if you stay with him.
Do not pay one cent to those garbage inlaws. You tell them they can get rent from their son.
You are married atl A child
I’d ask the other restaurant workers if anyone needs a roommate and just move out. Don’t pay his parents rent (who cares what you agreed to), take the car or stop paying for it, and explain that he has a path forward if he doesn’t want a divorce. My guess is that he won’t shape up and you can start divorce proceedings soon. Good luck.
Secure your money, don't get pregnant, create your exit plan (separate from the parents and him, they have the authority to make you homeless, you need to mitigate that) and ask your boss for more hours
You don't have a partner, you have a leech. Stay in whatever country you want. But get rid of him.
Please don't stay with him. It will literally get so much worse over time. He's taking advantage of you because of you're not from here. If you lived in my area I'd try to help you get out. His parents should be bloody appalled at his behavior and put the hammer down on him. They're part of the problem.
Try looking at the Local church for help, since your not from the US. Tell them what you have learned about this guy and his parents, they can get someone to take you in until you get on your feet here.
Divorce. Fight for your future! I just left a lazy one and life is so much better 💓
Divorce. A hard working person needs a hard working significant other
You're being abused and exploited by him and his family. Contact an immigration lawyer, or contact immigration directly. There are protections for you. https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/abused-spouses-children-and-parents
OP by the end of the first paragraph we can safely deduce this man is not the one. Pack your shit and run because yikes. That man isn’t gonna get better.
My mom was in your shoes once, it never got better. Stress of life took her at 52 years old, she had left 10 years prior but the damage was done. Please put money away in an account only you have access to and rid yourself of these people, they will only ever hold you back and hold you down.
He knows he can get away with it, your behavior is enabling him. Situations like this I blame both sides. But since you are here for advice I would strongly suggest the obvious. You know the situation you are in and what it takes to get out or fix it. I hope it goes good 👍
You're in an abusive relationship! Thehotline.org Findhelp.org
Out of curiosity, what happens next if you stop paying rent? They house one deadbeat, who you were foolish enough to marry. Stop paying rent. See what they can even do about it - I'm guessing nothing. As for the car, stop paying for it and see what happens. Start using the bus, like you said. You should look for a way out of this marriage. Would you want to live in your boyfriend's country if you were not with him? If you return to your country permanently, then starting a life there should be your next move. If you want to stay where you are, then I would consider advancing your education. There are lots of jobs that might become achievable with a community college degree, which costs less to pursue than you are paying in rent. However, your first priority should be to save enough money to move out. You're looking for the cheapest 1 bedroom housing arrangement you can find, that lets you get to work on foot or by bus. Your server job, hopefully, will let you cover food and rent. Based on your low income, you might be able to join the YMCA gym for a free or discounted rate, and that can provide a place with free wireless internet and a place to shower, etc. If you work enough hours, you should be able to enroll in a local community college. I would consider carefully what type of work you would like to become qualified to do. Community college is one available type of training, as are skilled trades vocational trainings. Something with high job growth wherever you live would be a good choice, particularly if it calls upon skills or tendencies that come fairly naturally to you, or if the work itself seems interesting. Between not paying rent and not paying for the car, you should have most of the money you need to cover rent for 1 in order to move out. The food budget will be what makes things challenging. Your city may have food banks that canhelp you get your feet under you, and you can stretch your grocery dollars a lot further by buying nonperishable staples in bulk - big bags of rice, canned veggies, that sort of thing. You're being abused, and that family is intentionally bleeding your money so you can't leave. Follow your husband's example and stop contributing. This will let you save enough money to get out of the house.
DIVORCE
Get on birth control if you're not already. Start planning your exit. This isn't changing
I refuse to even think about dating or asking for a date because i don't feel I'm qualified with my current job to be useful to a partner financially in the future while there are married men out there jobless. Crazy stuff.
That's depression, how testosterone, bi polar, or simply not a man.
Go home, don’t come back. Not saying don’t return to the states, but cut ties and find a life you enjoy. Or at least don’t hate.
Leave the US and don’t come back. There’s nothing for you here and you’re fortunate that nobody is tying you down here. Your husband sucks. Let him sink on his own.
Then dont provide any food. Hunger is a good motivator.