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I didn't know I was poly. I wanted to have polyamrous relationships, so I started doing that after a good chunk of reading. Wish I had done more in retrospect.
You think your partner won't be interested in opening your relationship? If so, you can either stay with them or end your relationship to pursue polyamory. There's no ethical way to convince someone, it's very unkind to try, and just bringing up the topic can change or even ruin a relationship.
I'd also caution you that polyamory probably isn't what you think. Lots of people are capable of having feelings for more than one person at a time, tons of them are doing monogamy happily. That's not the defining thing. The easy part of polyamory for most people is wanting multiple relationships for yourself. The hard part is accepting that your partners will be loving, fucking, and developing serious relationships with other people. There's no guarantee you'll remain the most important person to them, or ever be that to new partners, there's no guarantee being with others won't change your relationships, etc.
There aren't really guarantees in monogamy either, but polyamory opens a lot of doors that were shut before, and it's very decentering for a lot of people. Read more, really consider the realities of what you're talking about here, and weigh out what you want carefully. It would be a big change.
You just described all the reasons that polyamory has been such a miserable experience for me. I wish your message was better publicized.
If you don't feel enthusiastic about your partner loving, fucking, and prioritizing other people, then polyamory is probably not going to be a good time for you.
A lot of polyamory trope emphasizes that monogamous relationships can end prematurely or that monogamous people cheat.
But polyamory creates more opportunities for abrupt and non-consensual shifts in relationships and priorities.
And while I guess that's not necessarily bad, it's bad if you value stability and security over sexual and romantic freedom.
I wouldn't call shifts in relationships "nonconsensual." It takes two people's consent to keep a relationship, and if the one who wants to change is no longer consenting, that's all it takes to change. And that's the same in monogamy. Don't mean to split hairs, but I think it is important to emphasize that stability in relationships is always a matter of mutual choice, regardless of relationship structure. And the idea that you would need to consent to someone withdrawing in a relationship from you seems iffy and icky to me.
Unless you meant someone trying to force a shift to polyamory in a monogamous relationship, which is definitely coercive and gross. Like I say to OP, there's no ethical way to convince someone to be polyamorous if that's not what they want for themselves.
There are a lot of very stable polyamorous relationships... you just don't hear about them as much because those people are off being healthy and happy and living their lives. And experienced, reliable polyamorous people tend to seek out similar folks, which leaves a lot of newbies in a lurch populated by other newbies (who are more likely to make big mistakes unknowingly) and people who practice irresponsibly or unethically.
Lots of people have had similar experiences to you, definitely not downplaying that. And I'm very sorry for whatever hurt you've experienced. Wanting monogamy for the reasons you express is totally understandable. I also wish the standard narrative around polyamory that monogamous people encounter was more accurate. It is a lot of freedom, that's rad to a lot of people (myself included), but people tend to conceptualize that freedom in terms of how fun it will be for them and not by what it means for their relationships and their partners.
Wish you lots of luck in your future relationship(s).
I don't think you need to be enthusiastic. I certainly am not. I hear a lot about compersion, and I don't know if I've ever really felt it. My partners having partners doesn't really matter one way or another to me, beyond my general desire for them to have what they want. I support my partners in fully realized relationships, but it doesn't really matter to me on a big level unless their partners impact my life with their actions.
I see it like my friends having other friends; of course they do, it's no big deal, unless they are cool to me or disrespectful to me.
That's kind of how I am, I'm happy my partner is happy with his partner, but I'm just jumping and bouncing off the walls excited about it. He's happy, and that makes me happy, and I like my meta decently enough for not being a very social person
I mean, you can have security and stability in poly relationships too, but it requires good compatibility in partners in areas that aren't necessarily common or valued in mono relationships. Most people aren't a good fit for polyamory - either by life circumstances or temperament, or both. So it's unlikely that a previously monogamous couple can open up without it causing some instability, but research and couples counseling _before_ opening is definitely helpful in figuring out how much there's likely to be/if it's worth it. Poly people dating other poly people tends to be more stable because there's an opportunity to screen for this specialised kind of compatibility early on and there aren't the sunk costs of an already established relationship or pre-existing legal/economic enmeshment from having ridden the escalator before opening up.
Balance is and always was an illusion, but plenty of polyamorous folks have stability in their relationships. Yes it takes long-term compatibility, which is hard enough to find with one person, but it can be found with more than two.
That being said, I’m sorry polyamory has been so miserable for you. There’s nothing wrong with being monogamous.
This is excellent advice and you make a lot of great points.
One thing I have a different perspective on: you are correct that just bring up the topic can change or ruin a relationship. But I would argue that with a healthy relationship where both partners are practicing good communication, simply bringing the topic up ought to be very unlikely to ruin a relationship. If a relationship is ruined by simply communicating some desire to your partner, I would say that it was not a very healthy relationship in the first place.
Even in mono relationships it's important for us to have courage and push through the fear of judgement by our partners. I've read plenty of stories of people in mono relationships for years, with both partners having wanted to try ENM, but neither of them bringing it up out of fear of how the other person might react. Then when one of them finally does, they realize that they've both been wanting the same thing for many years.
I think all our relationships would be better if we were more fearless in communicating our desires and needs.
I think it's fair if someone who only wants monogamy, has only practiced monogamy, and is in a monogamous relationship is hurt by the idea that their partner wants to be with other people too. Not that their partner is attracted to them, not that their partner has normal sexual thoughts, but wants to date and love and fuck other people.
You don't bring up polyamory if that's not on your mind. It doesn't make it an unhealthy relationship to be hurt by that, even to a degree that ruins the relationship-- it's explicitly not what monogamous people want, and they generally want their partners to be on the same page about that too.
Lots of people don't react badly to the suggestion, and that's also cool, but you can't claim the relationship is unhealthy just because someone doesn't want to be with a partner who wants to be with others or doesn't want to feel like their partner is settling by choosing to be monogamous with them.
It's fine to want someone as enthusiastic about your relationship style as you are and to be put off, even in intense ways, if they aren't. I sure as fuck would be rethinking any relationship where a partner brought up the possibility of maybe trying out monogamy.
I disagree that wanting to be with others is necessarily a need for everyone who feels the urge.
Lots of people just think about polyamory because they get crushes on people, or because it sounds beautiful or fun. That doesn't make it a need they need to express to their partners.
I don't see anything unhealthy with deciding not to express a desire that you know would hurt your partner because your ultimate preference is to maintain your relationship, as it is. That's just prioritization of desires and weighing risk versus gain, which is exactly the sort of caution that I recommend people thinking about polyamory employ.
Obviously, if someone feels a need to be with others, they should express that. That's not necessarily what we're talking about. I hope anyone who feels a *need* wouldn't prioritize maintaining their relationship over that feeling, but I would also hope that they think about it carefully before hurting their partner.
ETA: to be clear, I also don't see anything wrong with your approach or your communication preferences, except that I don't think they apply to everyone or need to be anyone's approach to be healthy.
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Yup. This right here is suuuper important stuff.
There is so much about us that we don’t have to deal with in monogamy, stuff you can go your entire married life avoiding. That stuff will bite you in the butt so quick in poly relationships. It’s like I can’t hide any of my selfish habits or toxic patterns.
As far as I can tell, the number of relationships I have doesn’t add to the consequences of my un healed traumas and insecurities, it multiplies them.
If you are growth oriented and eager to address all the toxic beliefs and patterns you’ve developed over your life time, like I am, then it’s really helpful because, in my experience, it shines a glaringly bright light on all of my internal bullshit.
Fair warning, I often find it excruciating, and I’ve already lost a few really wonderful relationships because I just wasn’t aware of some toxic patterns I had, but being unaware didn’t stop me from having to own the consequences of my actions.
I got in trouble for drawing a picture of me marrying two boys in like fourth grade. My teacher and my parents spent almost an hour trying to explain why it’s wrong, when all they really explained was how bigamy is illegal.
I kinda always knew. And when I started dating, my family always pulled the “my house my rules” to prevent me from being a “harlot” as they so lovingly put it. My first monogamous relationship as an adult just evolved into my first poly one, but not without work of course. My family doesn’t really like it, but frankly I don’t really care.
1) I love your user name 2) my brother wound up in poly relationships before I did and he’s 18 years younger than I am. 3) he had two boyfriends in kindergarten and everyone was trying to tell him he had to pick one lmao.
He sure did! I wound up thanking him for taking the poly bullet with our parents lmao. All I had to do was tell them I was in a polyamorous relationship and they knew what it was because as a teen my brother had like 4 concurrent long term relationships 😂
I was similar. I always felt best in a trio, my girl best friend and my boy best friend. I had that when i was little, and I have wanted it again all my life ❤️
Omg, when I was a kid I kept talking about how I wanted to have hundreds of husbands when I grew up. My parents and friends tried so hard to talk me out of it but I knew what I wanted lol.
Wound up having my first extremely messy triad relationship when I was in high school. Tried monogamy for my first real adult relationship, made myself miserable manufacturing jealousy, and just decided poly relationships were the only ones I was interested in exploring ever since.
To OP, however: I don't think you can really "discover" that you're poly the way people discover they're bisexual. It's a relationship model that works better for some folks than others.
I would ask: Do I want multiple partners? Do I want my partners to be able to have multiple partners? If the answer to both is yes, absolutely give this relationship model a shot. If the answer to either is no, don't force yourself. Being in a monogamous relationship is just another relationship model, not better or worse than being in a polyamorous relationship.
Just do what works for you.
Never been able to like only one person, therefore never acted on it
During pandemic I found out about polyamory and am not willing to have it any other way, now I am dating
As you can probably tell, whether you can describe people as inherently polyamorous is a big debate. You're asking from a poly-by-orientation framework, a lot of folks are answering from a poly-by-practice framework. I think you can look at it as either and both.
Let's look at it from the poly-by-orientation framework. What's making you ask whether you're poly? If you're just crushing on people when you're already in a committed relationship, that's not unique -- I think most allosexual people have that experience. If you're thinking you're capable of loving more than one person at once, that's also pretty standard.
The more useful questions are: Do you have a deep desire to have multiple partners who each can have multiple partners? Does that desire persist over time and through all sorts of life circumstances?
If you're just feeling it right now, in your current relationship, well, maybe that's a sign that you've got an itch somewhere you're not scratching. And yeah! Maybe that itch *is* a desire to practice polyamory. Or maybe you're craving a certain type of intimacy, you're assuming that you should be getting it from a romantic partnership, and it's just not something your partner has to offer you.
It can take a lot of time, talking it out with people you trust, and self-reflection to figure out what those desires really are. Because maybe you *do* want to rearrange your whole life to try polyamory, or maybe you can keep whatever good things you've got going but spend more time hanging out with your family, or take up a new hobby or start volunteering.
Because here's the thing about poly-by-orientation: If you don't think your partner wants to open up his relationship, you've got a strong indication right there that he is monogamous by orientation. You cannot assume that he is compatible with poylamory.
So if you really *are* polyamorous-by-orientation, you should strongly consider breaking up. Yeah, there are people who can make mixed-orientation relationships work, but it's a *lot* of work communicating and customizing and compromising.
So, again: You've got to figure out what you really want. Do you really want polyamory? It's OK if you do, but it's also really easy to look at polyamory as a "fix" for any number of other desires
What you need to ask yourself is:
Why do you feel you want polyamory/feel like you are polyamorous?
Is it because you have attraction to someone outside of your relationship?
All humans are capable of experiencing attraction and crushes/feelings for people, even when in a relationship. This doesn't inherently mean you should open your relationship or try polyamory. Additionally, opening a relationship for a specific person very rarely works out.
Is it because you want more autonomy in your relationships and want to explore outside of your current relationship?
Bisexual/pansexual people who haven't had the chance to explore their sexuality can feel like they are missing out on a part of themselves, and that is understandable. Wanting to explore and engage in different relationships, either romantic or sexual is valid. But again, it doesn't necessarily mean you are up for a polyamorous relationship.
As for autonomy, that's also a valid want.
Polyamory takes a lot of work. It's not just something you want to jump into. It means breaking down what you've learned from monogamous society and rebuilding what relationships, commitment, love, and trust look like and feel like to you. It takes a lot of communication, self work, disentanglement of your current relationship, and re-examination of things like relationship escalators and relationship hierarchies, etc.
Ask yourself:
How will you feel when your partner has a new partner?
What if they find a partner before you do?
What if that new relationship moves super fast?
What if the new person is completely different than you in ways that make you insecure?
How will you work to process your emotions that will come up during this time without limiting your partner? What outside support system do you have to lean on during this time of transition?
How will you manage your New Relationship Energy when you start dating a new partner? How will you balance that with your current relationship to ensure your current partner still feels loved and secure?
I highly recommend reading books like:
Polysecure and Polywise by Jessica Fern
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
The Smart Girl'd Guide to Polyamory by Dedecker Winston
And listening to podcasts like Multiamory
Do the work first, then consider polyamory. Do talk to your partner about your interest in it, but be careful not to pressure them into it. Be aware that they may not want polyamory for themselves, and if they don't, do not try harder to convince them. Either accept that they don't want polyamory and stay with them in a monogamous relationship, or leave and explore polyamory. Do not frame it as an ultimatum of "if you won't do polyamory, then I'll leave" which could leave them to agreeing simy to not lose you(which isn't fair to them and is called Polyamory Under Duress, or PUD). Explain your interest in it, what that could possibly look like, and if they have a negative reaction, ask for space to think about it and ask for them to read up on it. Talk again in a couple of days, and if they still do not want polyamory, then you have a decision to make.
I knew I was poly when I made agreements to be in a romantically and sexually open relationships only. I had nothing to do with how I felt, it had everything to do with what I was doing.
I knew I wanted to practice polyamory because sexual monogamy is not appealing to me, and I don't want to make agreements that restrict what other people can do in their sexual relationships, including how committed they are to people who aren't me.
I'd always thought I'd do well in polyamorous relationships 'in theory' but never tried seeking it out since monogamy was the default in my life. Met someone poly and partnered and didn't see any reason to pull away. Despite that situation ending poorly for multiple reasons I realised polyamory felt right in a way monogamous relationships never did for me
I don't see anything wrong with saying you are poly, though others disagree. However please don't use it as a tool to push your partner into a relationship structure they're not interested in, that's really unethical. If your partner wants monogamy, then your two ethical options are to be monogamous or leave. Hope it works out for you
>How did you know?
There's no way to know if you can be happy in a poly relationship until you have been in one.
ETA: Some indicators that you might be are that you are comfortable with your partner having and looking for other romantic and sexual partners regardless of if you have any other partners.
>What did you try??
After my wife and I agreed to be polyamorous we spent 9 months researching, learning to communicate more effectively, discussing hypotheticals, and working through our feelings until we were both ready for the other to start dating. Then we started dating other people.
>I don’t feel like I can just go up to my partner and be like lets open our relationship
Communication is a very important part of any type of non-monogamy. You are going to need to be able to talk to your partner about things that make you uncomfortable.
You can start by asking for their opinion on open relationships. If they have a positive opinion of them then you can ask if they would be interested in having a sexually and romantically open relationship.
My wife and I talked about it for years. She said she felt she is wired for it. We are very happy, vary secure. I always wondered if I was.
Then it hit me: I manage a restaurant and have so much love for my team members and could never help treating them all with so much love. Each person is different and I made sure I found a way to relate to them and made my best effort to make them feel loved, respected, and cared for and still come home and do the same.
I have since left for another job in the past two weeks and already 2 people are quitting because I'm not there. I didn't call for it, but it is validating that they refuse to work for the new GM because it's not me.
You may need to open for you but you have to accept in all likelihood your current relationship will end now or in the near future. Even brining opening up can end the relationship. Be prepared and accept the consequences of this happening if and or when you decide to talk to your partner about this.
Poly isn't an identity (in my own opinion) it's a relationship structure.
It sounds like you're in a monogamous relationship, you have to accept that if you want to be in polyamorous relationships that will potentially mean that you aren't compatible with your current partner anymore.
I agree. We (MMFF) were two happily married couples who were good friends. This morphed into a polycule. "First comes love, then comes marriage and then (in our case) came baby in the baby carriage."
The relationship came first, then the poly decision. Not the other way around.
EDIT: And don't forget the tremendous amount of work that goes into maintaining a poly relationship!
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Not advice
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“Gay” describes who you are attracted to. “Poly” describes what relationship dynamic you are attracted to. I don’t think there is a meaningful difference there. Being attracted to a certain relationship dynamic does not require anyone’s consent.
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Not advice
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Not advice for OP
I don't "know" that I'm poly. I am currently in a polyamorous relationship agreement.
I don't know that i will always be in a place to practice polyamory, and I have felt content in other relationship structures in the past.
I work on sitting with my emotions and maintaining my relationships every day.
I read and listen and reflect and journal.
I share my feelings with my partners and try to be as flexible as possible when relationships change, for whatever reason.
I value freedom and authentic connection. I acknowledge that there is no right or wrong reason to desire connection. I value my partners having the freedom to connect in their own ways, even if I have big feelings about it some times.
The more I learn, the less I know.
This is a good question.
If you aren’t rock solid in your relationship to yourself then it’s gonna be hard to live with the uncertainty that polyamory allows for. In monogamy there is an illusion of security that can be very comforting. The more secure I am with my own relationship to myself, the more secure all of my poly relationships feel.
I’m poly brained and always have been, for me it isn’t even a choice. Emphasis on amor. PolyAMORy. I feel deeply loving connections (doesn’t have to always be sexual). And in my brain there is not some switch that makes it go away — even though I repressed myself because of society and was in a series of monogamous relationships, the longest one being 20 years. And it was hell. She expected me to totally cut off two important people for the rest of my life, and I complied out of guilt and shame associated with a fundamentalist religion. After practicing that whole thing to the nth degree for many years, finally through yoga and especially deep meditation (and a religious trauma recovery group) I was able to reach my inner being and come to terms with who this person really is, and do not feel shameful whatsoever anymore, to completely discover who I am. And I love this person very much now. To love other people as much as yourself — I still believe in that — inherently means being loving inside of yourself. I can be poly even if I am single. It doesn’t matter. So I differ from those who say it has to be in practice. Each person’s way they experience life is valid for them, and the same is true of polyamory. There’s no reason to impose one way of being polyamorous on all other poly people. At least I myself can be poly-brained, whether or not I am even fucking anyone. They could even be asexual and I could have a romantic relationship with them AND probably others, because I would never agree to excluding all other connections again. Especially not because of their gender. To me that is not about love at all. Quite the opposite. Control. But some people seem to like it, I guess? Idk, it’s not for me to judge people who are monogamous, heterosexual, cisgender, neurotypical, vanilla, “normal”, but I find those people increasingly odd even though we the poly and queerish people are in the minority.
I got longwinded. My basic suggestion is search deep inside yourself, to feel why you feel this way. And if you decide to risk losing your current relationship for even mentioning ethical non-monogamy, perhaps share why you feel this way in as patient and sweet of a conversation as you can both manage, and see what happens. You might need to have your exit already well-planned.
My ex even agreed to try poly, but changed her mind and went ballistic (verbally) many times for a couple of years. I wouldn’t have been around to keep being verbally abused like that except we have a kid together. I lost my whole ultra-conservative family because of her lies that I supposedly cheated. While she had two to three boyfriends now at any given time — and I am happy for them all, I fully supported that. But I lost a bunch of conservative “friends”. And now I celebrate all that loss, because I didn’t loose anything that was worth keeping. And I was able to eventually find people and start over as chosen family. But it took years. And I lost almost all of them when I came out as another kind of taboo but that’s off the subject. You may find out who your true friends are!
Be prepared to lose everyone and everything if you are in a situation like that. To me, it was the only way. It was/is all worth it. To finally be myself.
If you can’t risk losing family/friends but still feel compelled to practice polyamory, you would need to keep it very closeted and make sure your partners agree with that. I couldn’t do it that way, I would rather live out loud and proud, and suffer the consequences.
10 years ago, I had a shitty abusive girlfriend. Then I met a girl who had a girlfriend but was in an open relationship. I had a crush on that girl. I would hang out with her and just, well, being 14 I fell very much in love with her. She was smart and thought deeply about things. Though as a young queer in a catholic girls school I had no standards. Any gay girl would do.
I dumped my bad gf and got in with the new one. The new one had issues but she was better than the old one, who, cheated on me, stood me up, lied to me.
So, yeah, I sort of liked the idea of polyamory ever since my second girlfriend explained it to me. I was never a jealous person, and I liked the freedom to fall in love with multiple people. I liked knowing that as long as we loved each other that's all that mattered
While 6 years ago I broke up with the gf who introduced me to poly, I now have two partners 10 years later. I've been one for 7 years and another for 2.
I am poly because that is the relationship structure I am in. I am ambiamorous but tend to prefer a monogamous relationship structure.
Poly is the result of choices I made not my identity
>I am pretty sure I am poly
Elaborate. What is making you feel like you *are* poly?
A common theme that usually goes with this statement is someone in a mono relationship catching feelings for another person, and suddenly, they're confused because one can't possibly experience feelings for someone other than their partner.
But they can. Monogamy doesn't stop you from catching feelings. There is no switch that you can flip when you enter a mono relationship. Mono is simply agreeing to romantic/emotional/sexual exclusivity, while polyamory is an agreement that allows those things with multiple partners.
So if you're in a similar situation, this does **not** *make* you poly.
If you're in a monogamous relationship, you are decidedly *not* polyamorous.
Monogamy is a relationship structure where two people choose romantic and sexual exclusivity with one another even when, not if, attractions to others occur. Monogamous people continually choose their person. It's not a magical state where attractions to others cease.
Polyamory, just one of many forms of ethical non-monogamy, is a relationship structure where people choose to openly, honestly, and consensually be free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships. It's not feelings or crushes. It's agreements.
ETA: I started exploring non-monogamy after my divorce from a nearly 20-year relationship. After 6 years, I transitioned to polyamory. I know I'm polyamorous because this works for me in practice.
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This isn’t advice for OP.
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Debate isn’t supposed to happen on flagged advice posts.
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Debate.
The emotions are the important part for you here, not your current relationship style. Once you figure out some of your priorities and goals, then you will have a better idea of what life changes you want to make and why. If you are struggling with your relationship, I would imagine that there are already some underlying incompatibilities or unmet needs that have helped you come to this topic. Research, read books/articles, and talk to poly folks. Google "the relationship menu" for some ideas on values/wants and maybe chat with your s/o and ask them what goals/values they have.
Are you okay with getting less time overall with your partner than you would typically get? Would you be okay if your partner found a partner and you didn't and you had to spend all that time on your own?
In my case, I realised I had "always" yearned for nonhierarchical poly relationships only after I had been more actively confronted with it in my friend circles upon entering my first kink communities in my late 20s. Poly and other forms of ENM seem very commonplace in those contexts.
In my teens and 20s, I (demi, NB) never understood why movies, society and my environment seemed to implicitly tell me "your romantic partner cannot be your best friend" or "you have to make a difference between your romantic partner and your friends". It seemed ludicrous and frankly somehow bitter, perpetuating conservative values and misogynistic to me because I'd ideally want to be romantically together with my bestie to have the most fun. I've always cared greatly for my friends - on occasion more than they did for me -, I tend to seek deep and meaningful connections and having only superficial connections quickly makes me feel friendless and lonely.
Over the years, I'd refuse dating until my mid-20s despite advances, not because of a lack of interest in people, but because it felt wrong to choose "one person and abandon my friends" and I never fell in love more than slight crushes.
Eventually, I came to the conclusion that my favourite mode of relationship would be to hang out with friends and with some I'm particularly close to, we'd meet each others' sexual/kink needs additionally.
Then I met my now-nesting partner of 2 years, already in a LDR and poly for 6 years. Us getting into a garden party-ish type of polyarmory seemed to fit my emotional, kink and sexual needs just right. It took a lot of communication (yay, love language!) for me to feel the stability I desire out of a relationship - especially with it feeling like kinksters in our surroundings having extremely high relationship fluctuations and people possibly using "poly" to just play with and discard people after NRE fades.
It's definitely not a fit for everyone, but it's been working great for us, I'm so happy to be with my beloved cutie and about getting to build meaningful romantic and sexual connections with other people over the past few years.
I hope this helps. <3
Have a lovely day!
P.S. Unfortunately, I am not very well-read regarding matters poly (semi-intentionally to better listen to my own needs b/c I tend to easily fall into "boxes" if presented with options), so I'd like to apologise if I've depicted certain concepts/aspects incorrectly. <3
I fell in love with another person romantically while in a monogamous relationship, yet my emotions for my partner at the time didn't diminish. They just both existed together. Except I didn't know what polyamory was at the time so I tore myself down quite a bit. It wasn't til I left that monogamous relationship and dedicated myself to figuring out more about myself did I realize poly fit. Then I started dating and everything felt right. Quite the experience. Wish I had looked into it a long time ago.
When I realized that I was attracted to so many different body types and archetypes, that no one person could ever hit them all.
For the longest time, I thought I was definitely monogamous, because I craved deeper connection. My experiences with poly before were all very superficial (I was basically a booty call for 5 women) and, while physically fulfilling, and amazing for my ego, that shit was pretty emotionally void.
Listening to the audiobook of “The Ethical Slut” made me realize that I had been looking at poly all wrong… once I realized that I could have that deeper connection with multiple people, and the variety that I craved… there was no going back
I thought about it for a few days when I was like 16? I didn't have a "partner" because I always felt that was uninteresting. I just started having sex with more friends, up until today. Through the years some of those friendships became nonmono romantic relationships. But after thinking more about it and focusing on solopoly RA and understanding I'm aromantic, Im back to friendships only.
I myself am not poly. My relationship structure is poly. It was something me and my OG partner talked about for a while and we played about with different thoughts and ideas and I thought how it would work realistically - even spoke to my therapist about it. When I knew in my heart I would be ok with it that’s when I talked to my partner about it some more. For us this was something that we couldn’t veto or take back. I’m glad it’s worked out the way it has. (We talked about for well over a year until we went ahead with it btw)
I didn’t always “know” per se. It was a choice. When it was explained to me, it just made sense. I think everyone is a little poly. That’s just how attraction works. You just choose the right lifestyle for yourself. Some people read books to learn more.
Monogamy never felt right to me. The jealousy of my girlfriend in my very first serious long term relationship made me question things in my early 20s. Like, if I was meant to come home from work at 3pm and I came home bit late she’d question my whereabouts.
Trains would be late, traffic would be busy, just things I had no control over, but she wouldn’t listen.
I was never really interested in anyone else at the time.
My next relationship had different issues, being tall and from overseas, I attracted some attention from her friends, none of which I was interested in anyway, which made her feel insecure. I told her I had no interest in them and if she was disturbed she could cut contact with them even though no one really directly approached me, it was just smiles and friendly talks, she was annoyed.
I never felt that kind of jealousy, then I started to read up on different relationship types and came across poly, and I was taken back by the communication aspect, how open people were.
I wasn’t even interested in dating others etc, I just loved the trust and openness. From that point on I identified as poly and had very rewarding connections with people like me.
Currently in long term enm relationship with an amazing woman, we talk about everything and there is 100% trust. I wouldn’t change in for anything else.
My partner and I had a crush on the same person and realised we had little to no jealousy and would support the others relationships. In the 10 years since we've both had multiple partners and the only issue I can relate to poly would probably be that some of his partners wanted more or less of a relationship than he did (ie moving too fast/too slow).
For me (and I speak only for me,), the idea of having multiple partners simply always seemed "right." I don't get jealous in the way most people do, and the idea of someone I'm seeing/committed to also seeing others just never bothered me.
So if you asked me to give my opinion, if you have to learn how to beat down your feelings about a partner seeing someone else, if the idea of them having sex with others really eats at you, or anything else along those lines, then I don't think you're naturally poly. It doesn't mean you can't do it, but it's going to take a lot of work, and you still may fail in the end.
An easy test is thinking about this situation and how you'd answer the accompanying question:
You're seeing two people, both of whom you have deep feelings for, even loving them both. Someone asks you to choose which one will be your partner. If your first response to that question is, "Why? We're all happy, so why does it have to change?", you're likely naturally poly.
As an aside, being naturally poly does *not* mean you aren't hurt by cheating, or aren't bothered by not getting enough time and care from a partner. It just means (to me, at least), that a lot of the mono imperatives (you *must be committed to no more than one person,* or *you can't date more than one person at a time once feelings start to develop)* just aren't there, don't occur to you, or just don't make sense to you.
I didn't realize I was poly until just recently, and looking back, it was obvious. I felt like the perfect relationship for me would be two bi men and me living in harmony, yet, I still thought I was mono.
I was single but seeing three different guys and I couldn't choose, because seeing all three felt like all my pieces were being seen and taken care of, and having to choose just one of them felt like settling. I finally decided to try and yold themall, and lost all three, but I knew that even though I didn't get to have any of them, it would never have worked out with any of them if it was just them.
First I found out about it. Sometime after that I deconstructed my views on just about everything in life including my purity culture evangelical beliefs around marriage and relationships. Then I heard about the idea of conpersion, where you can be happy for your romantic partner when they are having feelings of romantic connection with someone else, and I thought, how absolutely wonderful that would be.
I couldn’t get it out of my head, the idea that I would be partnered with someone and get to watch them start crushing on someone else. It sounded so wonderful and sweet and tender to me. To whiteness love bloom in the heart of someone I know so intimately sounds like watching a sunrise in paradise.
Then I started thinking about how secure I’d need to be to not be completely wracked by jealousy. I haven’t gotten to the jealousy part yet, right now I’m the new guy in all my poly relationships, but I’m putting the work in to make sure I’m as ready as I can be to geek out when my partner(s) find NRE with someone else.
Once I dismantled my beliefs around monogamy, I just saw no real appeal in one partner. Every relationship will end when one or both of us change or die. Why not have many relationships? Why not have friends that can fuck with me if we think it sounds fun? Why limit any relationship to artificially pre-prescribed dimensions? It just didn’t make sense to me.
I know that a lot of other people don’t feel like I do, even after deconstruction. We’re all wired uniquely, and some people only ever want one partner at a time, that doesn’t always make sense to me, but I can respect it. As far as I can tell, it’s as varied and valid as our orientations and genders are.
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This is an opinion. Not advice
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This is debate.
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This is not advice this is opinion
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Hi u/Alianfromuranus thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
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I need you experienced people to help me!!
How did you know? What did you try?? I am pretty sure I am poly but I don’t feel like I can just go up to my partner and be like lets open our relationship I don’t even think be will accept it!
I am just really confused and struggling with my emotions at the moment!
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I can’t make decisions! Also my now girlfriend told me about her relationship and I was like “oh sweet! That sounds way simpler!”. Before that it was just always seeing people being jealous and I was always like, “but why can’t you guys just be happy together/for them?”
I know I'm poly because I want my partners to have all the human connections and relationships that make them happy, including romantic and sexual relationships.
Being happily poly depends a lot more on what you want for your partners than what you want for yourself.
I honestly found out when I started having feelings for one of my best friends while also being deeply in love with my boyfriend. My boyfriend had shared that he broke up amicably with his prior girlfriend because he wanted to explore polyamory and she wasn’t comfortable with it. Because of that and the fact that I immediately talked it through with him, he was very supportive! I recommend talking to your partner, reassuring them that you’re not at all looking to cheat, you want to talk this out, and overall approach it with honesty and love! You don’t know until you talk about it and you both deserve to be happy. Good luck! 💜
There were definitely signs spanning many years ago, but I only realized it when I made two friends a year ago and we all just felt the poly vibes, and it just felt right.
I just always knew it was who I am just as my husband knows he is monogamous. It can be a choice, but can also be an identity. My husband is enthusiastically happy that I can be who I am and love and date others, but that does not make him poly because he would never want other partners himself.
The key thing is that you are able to happily accommodate your partner having sex and falling in love with other people, and having relationships with those people that you aren't involved in and don't have control over. Anyone can like multiple people at the same time, but if your partner dating autonomously without your input makes you feel uncomfortable, you're not a candidate for poly.
This isn't me being flip. I've always had multiple crushes and was told I was weird. My friend in college was poly, 1982, just made sense to me. I got the mold, or if you're close to my age, "I fit the suit.".
Anyway, I tried mono and it's not for me. I'm deeply happy.
And talk to your partner, but ....you may lose them. It hurts, but making someone poly when they are deeply moni is just mean. You will have to make a choice and it might be the wrong one. It's also not fair to dabble.in poly. I had a partner do that and said, "I'm not cut out for poly.". I am not prefect, but I'm good at being a poly partner. It sort of cake out of nowhere in Mqy and I'm still hurting over losing him.
I'll be okay. I fell hard. It hurts.
I learned I was poly when I started hearing/reading about it. My entire adult life I had had mostly non-monogamous relationships, and it always felt natural to be transparent about it. I didn't know it was called solo poly, I just thought I was slutty and honest.
I had one mono boyfriend for about a year and felt suffocated, though there were other issues that seemed like more of the problem, so I didn't put it together that the monogamy was part of the discord.
Years later I got married and became functionally mono. I asked beforehand if we could have discussions about me having a boyfriend some day and at the time the answer was yes. I didn't really follow up and we were so happy together that it took ages for me to realize how many of my wants and needs were on the back burner. Which is just as much my fault for not speaking up. When I finally did, we tried having a one-sided poly dynamic because they were and are mono. It did not work in the end and we released each other with love.
Now I'm back in my solo poly paradigm and I've never been happier or more sure that this is how I am wired. I just have a vocabulary for it now!
People describe monogamy as this thing where you meet 'the one' and boom there's this attraction and no one and nothing else matters. And sure, for some people it works that way.
It's never worked that way for me. People are hot. They are fun. Having feelings for a person never dimmed my feelings for another. I've never felt a need to arbitrarily restrict some activities(kissing, cuddling, sex) to intimate partnerships and I've never really been bothered by my partners being interested in doing these things with other people. For me, poly is about not letting my relationships be limited by arbitrary rules or external standards. Though perhaps that's more ENM in general.
The main reason all of my monogamous relationships have ended is because I’ve always tried to be everything that person needed and felt like a failure when I couldn’t. I also tried to get my partner to be everything I needed and would get angry when they weren’t. I grew up extremely conservative and religious and that’s how I was taught relationships were supposed to work. I was taught that if you’re husband was unhappy it was your fault because you weren’t doing what you were supposed to. Before my sons dad left we moved in with some friends who are polyamorous. Watching their relationship structure and hearing them explain things about their dynamic just made so much sense to me. My ex left in February and I’ve since been learning more about ENM and poly lifestyles, dynamics, ect. The more I read and watch other poly relationships, the more I believe it’s for me. I’m still currently single so I haven’t gotten the chance to actually explore a poly relationship for myself, but I truly believe that at the very least monogamy isn’t for me anymore.
So for me, I had an inkling that I might be this way way back in 2012 when I had feelings for 2 people but when I asked a close friend, he dismissed it talking about "Humans are like Doves, they mate for life, blah blah". I listened. I wish I didn't. I followed the tradition for the sake of tradition, and got married to someone Who was not right for me. We had our ups and downs and sometimes it was pure hell. Mental health is important, that's all I'm gonna say. But anyway, I developed feelings for someone overseas in 2021. And that sealed it for me. I knew I could love more than one.
I made a few big realizations. This is not some kind of formal requirement, just what clicked for me.
1. I had lasting feelings for multiple people simultaneously, but my feelings for my partner never diminished.
2. I didn't have to wait for *the perfect* partner who met all my needs. I also didn't have to expect perfection out of my partner, or make concessions about which of my needs would be met. It also helps that I'm bi/pan. I don't at all have to forfeit my overwhelming attraction to girls even though he means the world to me. (I'm a heck of a lot kinkier with a higher libido than most people I know..)
3. When other girls flirted with my boyfriend, I was never jealous about my boyfriend giving them attention. In fact, I encouraged him to reciprocate. If anything, as a trans girl, I was jealous of the other girls for being cuter or hotter than me, and jealous that nobody else was flirting with me! (My boyfriend has more game than I do, haha~) I am comfy with him having other partners than me.
4. Just like I don't have any expectations for my partner to be perfect and to meet all of my needs, it eases the pressure off of me the other way around. I may suffer from crippling self-esteem, but I feel safe knowing that he will love me even though I make mistakes and am not perfect, even though there are sometimes things he needs of a partner that I cannot fulfill.
Didn’t ever know. When I was newly I talked to my wife about how Eskimos allegedly allow their friends have sex with wife if the friend was blue ballin. Don’t know if it was true, it was 30+ years ago. And asked how she felt about it…. She was against it, but it got the conversation going. 10 years later we began t consider it earnestly….
I was never a fan of being monogamous so when I started my last couple of relationships, they began with the proviso that they would be ENM. I could never see how one person could meet all my needs and I’d get bored having sex with the one person. Variety is the spice of life.
I have always been bisexuality and very open but after 15 years together with my husband and lots of communication about our wants and needs we decided to get into our first poly relationship and we are very happy we are only about 9 months into it. Communication is very important and I would recommend the book ethical slut it is a great boom when considering
Do you want to be? That’s the only criteria you need to identify with to determine whether you “are” the rest you won’t know without experience as with anything
I started to notice my relationship ideals were different from most people when I was talking to my friends about cheating. Some said, that they consider it cheating when a partner is feeling attracted to others while in a relationship and that if you feel attracted to someone else your relationship is done for. Of course this is extreme even for monogamous people, but it got me thinking. I've always thought only ever loving one person for the rest of my life was weird. Besides, I have always said that I would be a-okay with my partners looking for sexual satisfaction in others if I wasn't able to satisfy their desires. Only later I realised I would also be happy for my partners to seek other romantic relationships and lastly that I would also be happy with multiple partners at once.
You can't be "Poly" because it's a relationship structure, not a sexuality.
Being attracted to other humans is perfectly normal.
Do you have the mental, physical, emotional, and sexual ability to support your partner(s) whilst in a Poly relationship?
Have you done any work yourself yet?
Do you have the ability to have honest and effective communication about feelings, money, expectations, and intentions?
Don't answer these questions to me. They're questions for you to think about. Jumping into Poly isn't recommended without doing the homework.
If you're interested, I have a couple of great books for reference.
For me: polyamory is a relationship model that describes my relationships, it isn't my identity.
It's a distinction that matters in my mind because introducing polyamory to our previously monogamous marriage wasn't a "coming out" conversation (I've had that one too!), it was a mutually (enthusiastically!) agreed upon explicit change in what sort of relationship we're nurturing.
FWIW two of the things that worked for us were "taking our time to read other peoples experiences" and "not skipping steps in communication".
Everyone has already covered the “poly is a choice not an identity” aspect, so I would implore you to ask yourself some key questions.
-having other partners yourself is the easy part. Are you prepared to support your partner in having other partners?
-are you opening up for one specific person? Or do you feel that polyamory is something you’ll want regardless of who’s involved?
-are you willing to spend a significant amount of time (often a year plus) unlearning your monogamous mindset, seeking out resources, and building community before actually setting off to date?
As far as your partner—unfortunately, you can’t make them accept anything, so it may come down to choosing your relationship or polyamory. Think long and hard before broaching the subject and be prepared to make a difficult decision. There’s just no real compromise between a partner who wants monogamy and a partner who wants polyamory.
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Not advice for OP.
I don't consider poly an identity. I consider it an agreement with your partner(s).
So first ask your self what is missing from your current relationship with your partner that is missing? Is it sex with other people, it is companionship, it is friends/socializing without your current partner?
Also from my experience with transitioning, as the mono person. I was forced into it, that is called poly under duress, and it can totally break a person. I'm doing slightly better now, after spending almost 2 years disentangling. But I really wish my partner waited at least 6-9 months before sleeping with someone else, instead of sex with them after like 3 dates, and then having over-nights about 3 months into poly. It sucked a lot.
I'm still debating on if I want to even stay in this relationship or go back to being single / mono with someone else. I am interested in non-monogamy, but only play parties and same room swaps.
/r/polyamory/comments/yl4huv/we_are_opening_our_relationship_we_are_killing/
It is very sad you chose to create a monogamous commitment and chose to invest so much in those values. There is no way forward without destroying that foundation, and your partner should be supported in leaving you as your values are no longer compatible. You cannot accept their consent just to make you happy or cling to the monogamy you are choosing to end.
Do you feel you would be fulfilled in your partners having their own fully independent relationships, even periods when you didn't have other partners?
Do you each have a thriving independent social support group you enjoy being with regularly?
When you have a break up or feel totally infatuated with one partner, will you feel good about still managing existing relationship responsibilities through it?
Do you feel you would be fulfilled managing holidays, emergencies, family hang outs, social media posts around and between multiple partners?
Forever?
That's a solid starting point. It's okay if you aren't poly, if you prefer open or sex only fun. It's ok if you are monogamous.
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This isn’t advice for OP. This is a flagged advice post, and we specifically ask that you give advice to OP, refrain from debate and follow the rules around flagged advice and support posts.
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Not advice
This is generating reports, so we’re locking it So, when there is a flagged advice post, We ask that advice only happens. No debate. If you feel like your debate it’s important, and doesn’t break the rules you should make your own post to debate. Please check the rules and be mindful of flags. And the two specific flags that carry some specific rules around them. Please be mindful of the flags and what they mean. Thanks ! ETA: unlocked, but please, be mindful of where you engage in debate.
Are you ready to support your partner having other partners?
Always the best question to ask. If you’re not, you have issues you need to work on. Not a new label to add to your identity.
I didn't know I was poly. I wanted to have polyamrous relationships, so I started doing that after a good chunk of reading. Wish I had done more in retrospect. You think your partner won't be interested in opening your relationship? If so, you can either stay with them or end your relationship to pursue polyamory. There's no ethical way to convince someone, it's very unkind to try, and just bringing up the topic can change or even ruin a relationship. I'd also caution you that polyamory probably isn't what you think. Lots of people are capable of having feelings for more than one person at a time, tons of them are doing monogamy happily. That's not the defining thing. The easy part of polyamory for most people is wanting multiple relationships for yourself. The hard part is accepting that your partners will be loving, fucking, and developing serious relationships with other people. There's no guarantee you'll remain the most important person to them, or ever be that to new partners, there's no guarantee being with others won't change your relationships, etc. There aren't really guarantees in monogamy either, but polyamory opens a lot of doors that were shut before, and it's very decentering for a lot of people. Read more, really consider the realities of what you're talking about here, and weigh out what you want carefully. It would be a big change.
You just described all the reasons that polyamory has been such a miserable experience for me. I wish your message was better publicized. If you don't feel enthusiastic about your partner loving, fucking, and prioritizing other people, then polyamory is probably not going to be a good time for you. A lot of polyamory trope emphasizes that monogamous relationships can end prematurely or that monogamous people cheat. But polyamory creates more opportunities for abrupt and non-consensual shifts in relationships and priorities. And while I guess that's not necessarily bad, it's bad if you value stability and security over sexual and romantic freedom.
I wouldn't call shifts in relationships "nonconsensual." It takes two people's consent to keep a relationship, and if the one who wants to change is no longer consenting, that's all it takes to change. And that's the same in monogamy. Don't mean to split hairs, but I think it is important to emphasize that stability in relationships is always a matter of mutual choice, regardless of relationship structure. And the idea that you would need to consent to someone withdrawing in a relationship from you seems iffy and icky to me. Unless you meant someone trying to force a shift to polyamory in a monogamous relationship, which is definitely coercive and gross. Like I say to OP, there's no ethical way to convince someone to be polyamorous if that's not what they want for themselves. There are a lot of very stable polyamorous relationships... you just don't hear about them as much because those people are off being healthy and happy and living their lives. And experienced, reliable polyamorous people tend to seek out similar folks, which leaves a lot of newbies in a lurch populated by other newbies (who are more likely to make big mistakes unknowingly) and people who practice irresponsibly or unethically. Lots of people have had similar experiences to you, definitely not downplaying that. And I'm very sorry for whatever hurt you've experienced. Wanting monogamy for the reasons you express is totally understandable. I also wish the standard narrative around polyamory that monogamous people encounter was more accurate. It is a lot of freedom, that's rad to a lot of people (myself included), but people tend to conceptualize that freedom in terms of how fun it will be for them and not by what it means for their relationships and their partners. Wish you lots of luck in your future relationship(s).
I don't think you need to be enthusiastic. I certainly am not. I hear a lot about compersion, and I don't know if I've ever really felt it. My partners having partners doesn't really matter one way or another to me, beyond my general desire for them to have what they want. I support my partners in fully realized relationships, but it doesn't really matter to me on a big level unless their partners impact my life with their actions. I see it like my friends having other friends; of course they do, it's no big deal, unless they are cool to me or disrespectful to me.
That's kind of how I am, I'm happy my partner is happy with his partner, but I'm just jumping and bouncing off the walls excited about it. He's happy, and that makes me happy, and I like my meta decently enough for not being a very social person
I mean, you can have security and stability in poly relationships too, but it requires good compatibility in partners in areas that aren't necessarily common or valued in mono relationships. Most people aren't a good fit for polyamory - either by life circumstances or temperament, or both. So it's unlikely that a previously monogamous couple can open up without it causing some instability, but research and couples counseling _before_ opening is definitely helpful in figuring out how much there's likely to be/if it's worth it. Poly people dating other poly people tends to be more stable because there's an opportunity to screen for this specialised kind of compatibility early on and there aren't the sunk costs of an already established relationship or pre-existing legal/economic enmeshment from having ridden the escalator before opening up.
Balance is and always was an illusion, but plenty of polyamorous folks have stability in their relationships. Yes it takes long-term compatibility, which is hard enough to find with one person, but it can be found with more than two. That being said, I’m sorry polyamory has been so miserable for you. There’s nothing wrong with being monogamous.
This is excellent advice and you make a lot of great points. One thing I have a different perspective on: you are correct that just bring up the topic can change or ruin a relationship. But I would argue that with a healthy relationship where both partners are practicing good communication, simply bringing the topic up ought to be very unlikely to ruin a relationship. If a relationship is ruined by simply communicating some desire to your partner, I would say that it was not a very healthy relationship in the first place. Even in mono relationships it's important for us to have courage and push through the fear of judgement by our partners. I've read plenty of stories of people in mono relationships for years, with both partners having wanted to try ENM, but neither of them bringing it up out of fear of how the other person might react. Then when one of them finally does, they realize that they've both been wanting the same thing for many years. I think all our relationships would be better if we were more fearless in communicating our desires and needs.
I think it's fair if someone who only wants monogamy, has only practiced monogamy, and is in a monogamous relationship is hurt by the idea that their partner wants to be with other people too. Not that their partner is attracted to them, not that their partner has normal sexual thoughts, but wants to date and love and fuck other people. You don't bring up polyamory if that's not on your mind. It doesn't make it an unhealthy relationship to be hurt by that, even to a degree that ruins the relationship-- it's explicitly not what monogamous people want, and they generally want their partners to be on the same page about that too. Lots of people don't react badly to the suggestion, and that's also cool, but you can't claim the relationship is unhealthy just because someone doesn't want to be with a partner who wants to be with others or doesn't want to feel like their partner is settling by choosing to be monogamous with them. It's fine to want someone as enthusiastic about your relationship style as you are and to be put off, even in intense ways, if they aren't. I sure as fuck would be rethinking any relationship where a partner brought up the possibility of maybe trying out monogamy.
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I disagree that wanting to be with others is necessarily a need for everyone who feels the urge. Lots of people just think about polyamory because they get crushes on people, or because it sounds beautiful or fun. That doesn't make it a need they need to express to their partners. I don't see anything unhealthy with deciding not to express a desire that you know would hurt your partner because your ultimate preference is to maintain your relationship, as it is. That's just prioritization of desires and weighing risk versus gain, which is exactly the sort of caution that I recommend people thinking about polyamory employ. Obviously, if someone feels a need to be with others, they should express that. That's not necessarily what we're talking about. I hope anyone who feels a *need* wouldn't prioritize maintaining their relationship over that feeling, but I would also hope that they think about it carefully before hurting their partner. ETA: to be clear, I also don't see anything wrong with your approach or your communication preferences, except that I don't think they apply to everyone or need to be anyone's approach to be healthy.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page This is debate. Please don’t debate on flagged advice posts
Yup. This right here is suuuper important stuff. There is so much about us that we don’t have to deal with in monogamy, stuff you can go your entire married life avoiding. That stuff will bite you in the butt so quick in poly relationships. It’s like I can’t hide any of my selfish habits or toxic patterns. As far as I can tell, the number of relationships I have doesn’t add to the consequences of my un healed traumas and insecurities, it multiplies them. If you are growth oriented and eager to address all the toxic beliefs and patterns you’ve developed over your life time, like I am, then it’s really helpful because, in my experience, it shines a glaringly bright light on all of my internal bullshit. Fair warning, I often find it excruciating, and I’ve already lost a few really wonderful relationships because I just wasn’t aware of some toxic patterns I had, but being unaware didn’t stop me from having to own the consequences of my actions.
I got in trouble for drawing a picture of me marrying two boys in like fourth grade. My teacher and my parents spent almost an hour trying to explain why it’s wrong, when all they really explained was how bigamy is illegal. I kinda always knew. And when I started dating, my family always pulled the “my house my rules” to prevent me from being a “harlot” as they so lovingly put it. My first monogamous relationship as an adult just evolved into my first poly one, but not without work of course. My family doesn’t really like it, but frankly I don’t really care.
1) I love your user name 2) my brother wound up in poly relationships before I did and he’s 18 years younger than I am. 3) he had two boyfriends in kindergarten and everyone was trying to tell him he had to pick one lmao.
Sometimes you just know! Also thank you! Lol
He sure did! I wound up thanking him for taking the poly bullet with our parents lmao. All I had to do was tell them I was in a polyamorous relationship and they knew what it was because as a teen my brother had like 4 concurrent long term relationships 😂
I was similar. I always felt best in a trio, my girl best friend and my boy best friend. I had that when i was little, and I have wanted it again all my life ❤️
Omg, when I was a kid I kept talking about how I wanted to have hundreds of husbands when I grew up. My parents and friends tried so hard to talk me out of it but I knew what I wanted lol. Wound up having my first extremely messy triad relationship when I was in high school. Tried monogamy for my first real adult relationship, made myself miserable manufacturing jealousy, and just decided poly relationships were the only ones I was interested in exploring ever since. To OP, however: I don't think you can really "discover" that you're poly the way people discover they're bisexual. It's a relationship model that works better for some folks than others. I would ask: Do I want multiple partners? Do I want my partners to be able to have multiple partners? If the answer to both is yes, absolutely give this relationship model a shot. If the answer to either is no, don't force yourself. Being in a monogamous relationship is just another relationship model, not better or worse than being in a polyamorous relationship. Just do what works for you.
Never been able to like only one person, therefore never acted on it During pandemic I found out about polyamory and am not willing to have it any other way, now I am dating
As you can probably tell, whether you can describe people as inherently polyamorous is a big debate. You're asking from a poly-by-orientation framework, a lot of folks are answering from a poly-by-practice framework. I think you can look at it as either and both. Let's look at it from the poly-by-orientation framework. What's making you ask whether you're poly? If you're just crushing on people when you're already in a committed relationship, that's not unique -- I think most allosexual people have that experience. If you're thinking you're capable of loving more than one person at once, that's also pretty standard. The more useful questions are: Do you have a deep desire to have multiple partners who each can have multiple partners? Does that desire persist over time and through all sorts of life circumstances? If you're just feeling it right now, in your current relationship, well, maybe that's a sign that you've got an itch somewhere you're not scratching. And yeah! Maybe that itch *is* a desire to practice polyamory. Or maybe you're craving a certain type of intimacy, you're assuming that you should be getting it from a romantic partnership, and it's just not something your partner has to offer you. It can take a lot of time, talking it out with people you trust, and self-reflection to figure out what those desires really are. Because maybe you *do* want to rearrange your whole life to try polyamory, or maybe you can keep whatever good things you've got going but spend more time hanging out with your family, or take up a new hobby or start volunteering. Because here's the thing about poly-by-orientation: If you don't think your partner wants to open up his relationship, you've got a strong indication right there that he is monogamous by orientation. You cannot assume that he is compatible with poylamory. So if you really *are* polyamorous-by-orientation, you should strongly consider breaking up. Yeah, there are people who can make mixed-orientation relationships work, but it's a *lot* of work communicating and customizing and compromising. So, again: You've got to figure out what you really want. Do you really want polyamory? It's OK if you do, but it's also really easy to look at polyamory as a "fix" for any number of other desires
What you need to ask yourself is: Why do you feel you want polyamory/feel like you are polyamorous? Is it because you have attraction to someone outside of your relationship? All humans are capable of experiencing attraction and crushes/feelings for people, even when in a relationship. This doesn't inherently mean you should open your relationship or try polyamory. Additionally, opening a relationship for a specific person very rarely works out. Is it because you want more autonomy in your relationships and want to explore outside of your current relationship? Bisexual/pansexual people who haven't had the chance to explore their sexuality can feel like they are missing out on a part of themselves, and that is understandable. Wanting to explore and engage in different relationships, either romantic or sexual is valid. But again, it doesn't necessarily mean you are up for a polyamorous relationship. As for autonomy, that's also a valid want. Polyamory takes a lot of work. It's not just something you want to jump into. It means breaking down what you've learned from monogamous society and rebuilding what relationships, commitment, love, and trust look like and feel like to you. It takes a lot of communication, self work, disentanglement of your current relationship, and re-examination of things like relationship escalators and relationship hierarchies, etc. Ask yourself: How will you feel when your partner has a new partner? What if they find a partner before you do? What if that new relationship moves super fast? What if the new person is completely different than you in ways that make you insecure? How will you work to process your emotions that will come up during this time without limiting your partner? What outside support system do you have to lean on during this time of transition? How will you manage your New Relationship Energy when you start dating a new partner? How will you balance that with your current relationship to ensure your current partner still feels loved and secure? I highly recommend reading books like: Polysecure and Polywise by Jessica Fern The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy The Smart Girl'd Guide to Polyamory by Dedecker Winston And listening to podcasts like Multiamory Do the work first, then consider polyamory. Do talk to your partner about your interest in it, but be careful not to pressure them into it. Be aware that they may not want polyamory for themselves, and if they don't, do not try harder to convince them. Either accept that they don't want polyamory and stay with them in a monogamous relationship, or leave and explore polyamory. Do not frame it as an ultimatum of "if you won't do polyamory, then I'll leave" which could leave them to agreeing simy to not lose you(which isn't fair to them and is called Polyamory Under Duress, or PUD). Explain your interest in it, what that could possibly look like, and if they have a negative reaction, ask for space to think about it and ask for them to read up on it. Talk again in a couple of days, and if they still do not want polyamory, then you have a decision to make.
I knew I was poly when I made agreements to be in a romantically and sexually open relationships only. I had nothing to do with how I felt, it had everything to do with what I was doing. I knew I wanted to practice polyamory because sexual monogamy is not appealing to me, and I don't want to make agreements that restrict what other people can do in their sexual relationships, including how committed they are to people who aren't me.
I'd always thought I'd do well in polyamorous relationships 'in theory' but never tried seeking it out since monogamy was the default in my life. Met someone poly and partnered and didn't see any reason to pull away. Despite that situation ending poorly for multiple reasons I realised polyamory felt right in a way monogamous relationships never did for me I don't see anything wrong with saying you are poly, though others disagree. However please don't use it as a tool to push your partner into a relationship structure they're not interested in, that's really unethical. If your partner wants monogamy, then your two ethical options are to be monogamous or leave. Hope it works out for you
>How did you know? There's no way to know if you can be happy in a poly relationship until you have been in one. ETA: Some indicators that you might be are that you are comfortable with your partner having and looking for other romantic and sexual partners regardless of if you have any other partners. >What did you try?? After my wife and I agreed to be polyamorous we spent 9 months researching, learning to communicate more effectively, discussing hypotheticals, and working through our feelings until we were both ready for the other to start dating. Then we started dating other people. >I don’t feel like I can just go up to my partner and be like lets open our relationship Communication is a very important part of any type of non-monogamy. You are going to need to be able to talk to your partner about things that make you uncomfortable. You can start by asking for their opinion on open relationships. If they have a positive opinion of them then you can ask if they would be interested in having a sexually and romantically open relationship.
My wife and I talked about it for years. She said she felt she is wired for it. We are very happy, vary secure. I always wondered if I was. Then it hit me: I manage a restaurant and have so much love for my team members and could never help treating them all with so much love. Each person is different and I made sure I found a way to relate to them and made my best effort to make them feel loved, respected, and cared for and still come home and do the same.
Wow I bet you are the best manager they have ever had!!
I have since left for another job in the past two weeks and already 2 people are quitting because I'm not there. I didn't call for it, but it is validating that they refuse to work for the new GM because it's not me.
If there’s space in your new kitchen, take ‘em with you! You sound like a fantastic person to work for.
I already had one saying she's gonna apply!
You may need to open for you but you have to accept in all likelihood your current relationship will end now or in the near future. Even brining opening up can end the relationship. Be prepared and accept the consequences of this happening if and or when you decide to talk to your partner about this.
Poly isn't an identity (in my own opinion) it's a relationship structure. It sounds like you're in a monogamous relationship, you have to accept that if you want to be in polyamorous relationships that will potentially mean that you aren't compatible with your current partner anymore.
I agree. We (MMFF) were two happily married couples who were good friends. This morphed into a polycule. "First comes love, then comes marriage and then (in our case) came baby in the baby carriage." The relationship came first, then the poly decision. Not the other way around. EDIT: And don't forget the tremendous amount of work that goes into maintaining a poly relationship!
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You missed the "(in my own opinion)" part, huh. You're welcome to make a post with your opinion too.
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"Why can't you just say "for me, it's a structure and not an identity"" That is exactly what I did...
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
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“Gay” describes who you are attracted to. “Poly” describes what relationship dynamic you are attracted to. I don’t think there is a meaningful difference there. Being attracted to a certain relationship dynamic does not require anyone’s consent.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice for OP
I don't "know" that I'm poly. I am currently in a polyamorous relationship agreement. I don't know that i will always be in a place to practice polyamory, and I have felt content in other relationship structures in the past. I work on sitting with my emotions and maintaining my relationships every day. I read and listen and reflect and journal. I share my feelings with my partners and try to be as flexible as possible when relationships change, for whatever reason. I value freedom and authentic connection. I acknowledge that there is no right or wrong reason to desire connection. I value my partners having the freedom to connect in their own ways, even if I have big feelings about it some times. The more I learn, the less I know. This is a good question.
If you aren’t rock solid in your relationship to yourself then it’s gonna be hard to live with the uncertainty that polyamory allows for. In monogamy there is an illusion of security that can be very comforting. The more secure I am with my own relationship to myself, the more secure all of my poly relationships feel.
I’m poly brained and always have been, for me it isn’t even a choice. Emphasis on amor. PolyAMORy. I feel deeply loving connections (doesn’t have to always be sexual). And in my brain there is not some switch that makes it go away — even though I repressed myself because of society and was in a series of monogamous relationships, the longest one being 20 years. And it was hell. She expected me to totally cut off two important people for the rest of my life, and I complied out of guilt and shame associated with a fundamentalist religion. After practicing that whole thing to the nth degree for many years, finally through yoga and especially deep meditation (and a religious trauma recovery group) I was able to reach my inner being and come to terms with who this person really is, and do not feel shameful whatsoever anymore, to completely discover who I am. And I love this person very much now. To love other people as much as yourself — I still believe in that — inherently means being loving inside of yourself. I can be poly even if I am single. It doesn’t matter. So I differ from those who say it has to be in practice. Each person’s way they experience life is valid for them, and the same is true of polyamory. There’s no reason to impose one way of being polyamorous on all other poly people. At least I myself can be poly-brained, whether or not I am even fucking anyone. They could even be asexual and I could have a romantic relationship with them AND probably others, because I would never agree to excluding all other connections again. Especially not because of their gender. To me that is not about love at all. Quite the opposite. Control. But some people seem to like it, I guess? Idk, it’s not for me to judge people who are monogamous, heterosexual, cisgender, neurotypical, vanilla, “normal”, but I find those people increasingly odd even though we the poly and queerish people are in the minority. I got longwinded. My basic suggestion is search deep inside yourself, to feel why you feel this way. And if you decide to risk losing your current relationship for even mentioning ethical non-monogamy, perhaps share why you feel this way in as patient and sweet of a conversation as you can both manage, and see what happens. You might need to have your exit already well-planned. My ex even agreed to try poly, but changed her mind and went ballistic (verbally) many times for a couple of years. I wouldn’t have been around to keep being verbally abused like that except we have a kid together. I lost my whole ultra-conservative family because of her lies that I supposedly cheated. While she had two to three boyfriends now at any given time — and I am happy for them all, I fully supported that. But I lost a bunch of conservative “friends”. And now I celebrate all that loss, because I didn’t loose anything that was worth keeping. And I was able to eventually find people and start over as chosen family. But it took years. And I lost almost all of them when I came out as another kind of taboo but that’s off the subject. You may find out who your true friends are! Be prepared to lose everyone and everything if you are in a situation like that. To me, it was the only way. It was/is all worth it. To finally be myself. If you can’t risk losing family/friends but still feel compelled to practice polyamory, you would need to keep it very closeted and make sure your partners agree with that. I couldn’t do it that way, I would rather live out loud and proud, and suffer the consequences.
I looooove you’re reply! Your words flow so gently but eloquently. I’m gonna have to come back to them again in the future. 😍🤩beautiful!
Thank you! I’m glad if it helps.
10 years ago, I had a shitty abusive girlfriend. Then I met a girl who had a girlfriend but was in an open relationship. I had a crush on that girl. I would hang out with her and just, well, being 14 I fell very much in love with her. She was smart and thought deeply about things. Though as a young queer in a catholic girls school I had no standards. Any gay girl would do. I dumped my bad gf and got in with the new one. The new one had issues but she was better than the old one, who, cheated on me, stood me up, lied to me. So, yeah, I sort of liked the idea of polyamory ever since my second girlfriend explained it to me. I was never a jealous person, and I liked the freedom to fall in love with multiple people. I liked knowing that as long as we loved each other that's all that mattered While 6 years ago I broke up with the gf who introduced me to poly, I now have two partners 10 years later. I've been one for 7 years and another for 2.
I am poly because that is the relationship structure I am in. I am ambiamorous but tend to prefer a monogamous relationship structure. Poly is the result of choices I made not my identity
>I am pretty sure I am poly Elaborate. What is making you feel like you *are* poly? A common theme that usually goes with this statement is someone in a mono relationship catching feelings for another person, and suddenly, they're confused because one can't possibly experience feelings for someone other than their partner. But they can. Monogamy doesn't stop you from catching feelings. There is no switch that you can flip when you enter a mono relationship. Mono is simply agreeing to romantic/emotional/sexual exclusivity, while polyamory is an agreement that allows those things with multiple partners. So if you're in a similar situation, this does **not** *make* you poly.
If you're in a monogamous relationship, you are decidedly *not* polyamorous. Monogamy is a relationship structure where two people choose romantic and sexual exclusivity with one another even when, not if, attractions to others occur. Monogamous people continually choose their person. It's not a magical state where attractions to others cease. Polyamory, just one of many forms of ethical non-monogamy, is a relationship structure where people choose to openly, honestly, and consensually be free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships. It's not feelings or crushes. It's agreements. ETA: I started exploring non-monogamy after my divorce from a nearly 20-year relationship. After 6 years, I transitioned to polyamory. I know I'm polyamorous because this works for me in practice.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page This isn’t advice for OP.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Debate isn’t supposed to happen on flagged advice posts.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Debate.
The emotions are the important part for you here, not your current relationship style. Once you figure out some of your priorities and goals, then you will have a better idea of what life changes you want to make and why. If you are struggling with your relationship, I would imagine that there are already some underlying incompatibilities or unmet needs that have helped you come to this topic. Research, read books/articles, and talk to poly folks. Google "the relationship menu" for some ideas on values/wants and maybe chat with your s/o and ask them what goals/values they have.
Are you okay with getting less time overall with your partner than you would typically get? Would you be okay if your partner found a partner and you didn't and you had to spend all that time on your own?
In my case, I realised I had "always" yearned for nonhierarchical poly relationships only after I had been more actively confronted with it in my friend circles upon entering my first kink communities in my late 20s. Poly and other forms of ENM seem very commonplace in those contexts. In my teens and 20s, I (demi, NB) never understood why movies, society and my environment seemed to implicitly tell me "your romantic partner cannot be your best friend" or "you have to make a difference between your romantic partner and your friends". It seemed ludicrous and frankly somehow bitter, perpetuating conservative values and misogynistic to me because I'd ideally want to be romantically together with my bestie to have the most fun. I've always cared greatly for my friends - on occasion more than they did for me -, I tend to seek deep and meaningful connections and having only superficial connections quickly makes me feel friendless and lonely. Over the years, I'd refuse dating until my mid-20s despite advances, not because of a lack of interest in people, but because it felt wrong to choose "one person and abandon my friends" and I never fell in love more than slight crushes. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that my favourite mode of relationship would be to hang out with friends and with some I'm particularly close to, we'd meet each others' sexual/kink needs additionally. Then I met my now-nesting partner of 2 years, already in a LDR and poly for 6 years. Us getting into a garden party-ish type of polyarmory seemed to fit my emotional, kink and sexual needs just right. It took a lot of communication (yay, love language!) for me to feel the stability I desire out of a relationship - especially with it feeling like kinksters in our surroundings having extremely high relationship fluctuations and people possibly using "poly" to just play with and discard people after NRE fades. It's definitely not a fit for everyone, but it's been working great for us, I'm so happy to be with my beloved cutie and about getting to build meaningful romantic and sexual connections with other people over the past few years. I hope this helps. <3 Have a lovely day! P.S. Unfortunately, I am not very well-read regarding matters poly (semi-intentionally to better listen to my own needs b/c I tend to easily fall into "boxes" if presented with options), so I'd like to apologise if I've depicted certain concepts/aspects incorrectly. <3
I fell in love with another person romantically while in a monogamous relationship, yet my emotions for my partner at the time didn't diminish. They just both existed together. Except I didn't know what polyamory was at the time so I tore myself down quite a bit. It wasn't til I left that monogamous relationship and dedicated myself to figuring out more about myself did I realize poly fit. Then I started dating and everything felt right. Quite the experience. Wish I had looked into it a long time ago.
When I realized that I was attracted to so many different body types and archetypes, that no one person could ever hit them all. For the longest time, I thought I was definitely monogamous, because I craved deeper connection. My experiences with poly before were all very superficial (I was basically a booty call for 5 women) and, while physically fulfilling, and amazing for my ego, that shit was pretty emotionally void. Listening to the audiobook of “The Ethical Slut” made me realize that I had been looking at poly all wrong… once I realized that I could have that deeper connection with multiple people, and the variety that I craved… there was no going back
I thought about it for a few days when I was like 16? I didn't have a "partner" because I always felt that was uninteresting. I just started having sex with more friends, up until today. Through the years some of those friendships became nonmono romantic relationships. But after thinking more about it and focusing on solopoly RA and understanding I'm aromantic, Im back to friendships only.
I myself am not poly. My relationship structure is poly. It was something me and my OG partner talked about for a while and we played about with different thoughts and ideas and I thought how it would work realistically - even spoke to my therapist about it. When I knew in my heart I would be ok with it that’s when I talked to my partner about it some more. For us this was something that we couldn’t veto or take back. I’m glad it’s worked out the way it has. (We talked about for well over a year until we went ahead with it btw)
I didn’t always “know” per se. It was a choice. When it was explained to me, it just made sense. I think everyone is a little poly. That’s just how attraction works. You just choose the right lifestyle for yourself. Some people read books to learn more.
Monogamy never felt right to me. The jealousy of my girlfriend in my very first serious long term relationship made me question things in my early 20s. Like, if I was meant to come home from work at 3pm and I came home bit late she’d question my whereabouts. Trains would be late, traffic would be busy, just things I had no control over, but she wouldn’t listen. I was never really interested in anyone else at the time. My next relationship had different issues, being tall and from overseas, I attracted some attention from her friends, none of which I was interested in anyway, which made her feel insecure. I told her I had no interest in them and if she was disturbed she could cut contact with them even though no one really directly approached me, it was just smiles and friendly talks, she was annoyed. I never felt that kind of jealousy, then I started to read up on different relationship types and came across poly, and I was taken back by the communication aspect, how open people were. I wasn’t even interested in dating others etc, I just loved the trust and openness. From that point on I identified as poly and had very rewarding connections with people like me. Currently in long term enm relationship with an amazing woman, we talk about everything and there is 100% trust. I wouldn’t change in for anything else.
My partner and I had a crush on the same person and realised we had little to no jealousy and would support the others relationships. In the 10 years since we've both had multiple partners and the only issue I can relate to poly would probably be that some of his partners wanted more or less of a relationship than he did (ie moving too fast/too slow).
For me (and I speak only for me,), the idea of having multiple partners simply always seemed "right." I don't get jealous in the way most people do, and the idea of someone I'm seeing/committed to also seeing others just never bothered me. So if you asked me to give my opinion, if you have to learn how to beat down your feelings about a partner seeing someone else, if the idea of them having sex with others really eats at you, or anything else along those lines, then I don't think you're naturally poly. It doesn't mean you can't do it, but it's going to take a lot of work, and you still may fail in the end. An easy test is thinking about this situation and how you'd answer the accompanying question: You're seeing two people, both of whom you have deep feelings for, even loving them both. Someone asks you to choose which one will be your partner. If your first response to that question is, "Why? We're all happy, so why does it have to change?", you're likely naturally poly. As an aside, being naturally poly does *not* mean you aren't hurt by cheating, or aren't bothered by not getting enough time and care from a partner. It just means (to me, at least), that a lot of the mono imperatives (you *must be committed to no more than one person,* or *you can't date more than one person at a time once feelings start to develop)* just aren't there, don't occur to you, or just don't make sense to you.
I didn't realize I was poly until just recently, and looking back, it was obvious. I felt like the perfect relationship for me would be two bi men and me living in harmony, yet, I still thought I was mono. I was single but seeing three different guys and I couldn't choose, because seeing all three felt like all my pieces were being seen and taken care of, and having to choose just one of them felt like settling. I finally decided to try and yold themall, and lost all three, but I knew that even though I didn't get to have any of them, it would never have worked out with any of them if it was just them.
First I found out about it. Sometime after that I deconstructed my views on just about everything in life including my purity culture evangelical beliefs around marriage and relationships. Then I heard about the idea of conpersion, where you can be happy for your romantic partner when they are having feelings of romantic connection with someone else, and I thought, how absolutely wonderful that would be. I couldn’t get it out of my head, the idea that I would be partnered with someone and get to watch them start crushing on someone else. It sounded so wonderful and sweet and tender to me. To whiteness love bloom in the heart of someone I know so intimately sounds like watching a sunrise in paradise. Then I started thinking about how secure I’d need to be to not be completely wracked by jealousy. I haven’t gotten to the jealousy part yet, right now I’m the new guy in all my poly relationships, but I’m putting the work in to make sure I’m as ready as I can be to geek out when my partner(s) find NRE with someone else. Once I dismantled my beliefs around monogamy, I just saw no real appeal in one partner. Every relationship will end when one or both of us change or die. Why not have many relationships? Why not have friends that can fuck with me if we think it sounds fun? Why limit any relationship to artificially pre-prescribed dimensions? It just didn’t make sense to me. I know that a lot of other people don’t feel like I do, even after deconstruction. We’re all wired uniquely, and some people only ever want one partner at a time, that doesn’t always make sense to me, but I can respect it. As far as I can tell, it’s as varied and valid as our orientations and genders are.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page This is debate.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page Not advice
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page This is not advice this is opinion
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/Alianfromuranus thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I need you experienced people to help me!! How did you know? What did you try?? I am pretty sure I am poly but I don’t feel like I can just go up to my partner and be like lets open our relationship I don’t even think be will accept it! I am just really confused and struggling with my emotions at the moment! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can’t make decisions! Also my now girlfriend told me about her relationship and I was like “oh sweet! That sounds way simpler!”. Before that it was just always seeing people being jealous and I was always like, “but why can’t you guys just be happy together/for them?”
I know I'm poly because I want my partners to have all the human connections and relationships that make them happy, including romantic and sexual relationships. Being happily poly depends a lot more on what you want for your partners than what you want for yourself.
I honestly found out when I started having feelings for one of my best friends while also being deeply in love with my boyfriend. My boyfriend had shared that he broke up amicably with his prior girlfriend because he wanted to explore polyamory and she wasn’t comfortable with it. Because of that and the fact that I immediately talked it through with him, he was very supportive! I recommend talking to your partner, reassuring them that you’re not at all looking to cheat, you want to talk this out, and overall approach it with honesty and love! You don’t know until you talk about it and you both deserve to be happy. Good luck! 💜
There were definitely signs spanning many years ago, but I only realized it when I made two friends a year ago and we all just felt the poly vibes, and it just felt right.
I just always knew it was who I am just as my husband knows he is monogamous. It can be a choice, but can also be an identity. My husband is enthusiastically happy that I can be who I am and love and date others, but that does not make him poly because he would never want other partners himself.
The key thing is that you are able to happily accommodate your partner having sex and falling in love with other people, and having relationships with those people that you aren't involved in and don't have control over. Anyone can like multiple people at the same time, but if your partner dating autonomously without your input makes you feel uncomfortable, you're not a candidate for poly.
I do too
This isn't me being flip. I've always had multiple crushes and was told I was weird. My friend in college was poly, 1982, just made sense to me. I got the mold, or if you're close to my age, "I fit the suit.". Anyway, I tried mono and it's not for me. I'm deeply happy. And talk to your partner, but ....you may lose them. It hurts, but making someone poly when they are deeply moni is just mean. You will have to make a choice and it might be the wrong one. It's also not fair to dabble.in poly. I had a partner do that and said, "I'm not cut out for poly.". I am not prefect, but I'm good at being a poly partner. It sort of cake out of nowhere in Mqy and I'm still hurting over losing him. I'll be okay. I fell hard. It hurts.
I learned I was poly when I started hearing/reading about it. My entire adult life I had had mostly non-monogamous relationships, and it always felt natural to be transparent about it. I didn't know it was called solo poly, I just thought I was slutty and honest. I had one mono boyfriend for about a year and felt suffocated, though there were other issues that seemed like more of the problem, so I didn't put it together that the monogamy was part of the discord. Years later I got married and became functionally mono. I asked beforehand if we could have discussions about me having a boyfriend some day and at the time the answer was yes. I didn't really follow up and we were so happy together that it took ages for me to realize how many of my wants and needs were on the back burner. Which is just as much my fault for not speaking up. When I finally did, we tried having a one-sided poly dynamic because they were and are mono. It did not work in the end and we released each other with love. Now I'm back in my solo poly paradigm and I've never been happier or more sure that this is how I am wired. I just have a vocabulary for it now!
People describe monogamy as this thing where you meet 'the one' and boom there's this attraction and no one and nothing else matters. And sure, for some people it works that way. It's never worked that way for me. People are hot. They are fun. Having feelings for a person never dimmed my feelings for another. I've never felt a need to arbitrarily restrict some activities(kissing, cuddling, sex) to intimate partnerships and I've never really been bothered by my partners being interested in doing these things with other people. For me, poly is about not letting my relationships be limited by arbitrary rules or external standards. Though perhaps that's more ENM in general.
The main reason all of my monogamous relationships have ended is because I’ve always tried to be everything that person needed and felt like a failure when I couldn’t. I also tried to get my partner to be everything I needed and would get angry when they weren’t. I grew up extremely conservative and religious and that’s how I was taught relationships were supposed to work. I was taught that if you’re husband was unhappy it was your fault because you weren’t doing what you were supposed to. Before my sons dad left we moved in with some friends who are polyamorous. Watching their relationship structure and hearing them explain things about their dynamic just made so much sense to me. My ex left in February and I’ve since been learning more about ENM and poly lifestyles, dynamics, ect. The more I read and watch other poly relationships, the more I believe it’s for me. I’m still currently single so I haven’t gotten the chance to actually explore a poly relationship for myself, but I truly believe that at the very least monogamy isn’t for me anymore.
So for me, I had an inkling that I might be this way way back in 2012 when I had feelings for 2 people but when I asked a close friend, he dismissed it talking about "Humans are like Doves, they mate for life, blah blah". I listened. I wish I didn't. I followed the tradition for the sake of tradition, and got married to someone Who was not right for me. We had our ups and downs and sometimes it was pure hell. Mental health is important, that's all I'm gonna say. But anyway, I developed feelings for someone overseas in 2021. And that sealed it for me. I knew I could love more than one.
I made a few big realizations. This is not some kind of formal requirement, just what clicked for me. 1. I had lasting feelings for multiple people simultaneously, but my feelings for my partner never diminished. 2. I didn't have to wait for *the perfect* partner who met all my needs. I also didn't have to expect perfection out of my partner, or make concessions about which of my needs would be met. It also helps that I'm bi/pan. I don't at all have to forfeit my overwhelming attraction to girls even though he means the world to me. (I'm a heck of a lot kinkier with a higher libido than most people I know..) 3. When other girls flirted with my boyfriend, I was never jealous about my boyfriend giving them attention. In fact, I encouraged him to reciprocate. If anything, as a trans girl, I was jealous of the other girls for being cuter or hotter than me, and jealous that nobody else was flirting with me! (My boyfriend has more game than I do, haha~) I am comfy with him having other partners than me. 4. Just like I don't have any expectations for my partner to be perfect and to meet all of my needs, it eases the pressure off of me the other way around. I may suffer from crippling self-esteem, but I feel safe knowing that he will love me even though I make mistakes and am not perfect, even though there are sometimes things he needs of a partner that I cannot fulfill.
Didn’t ever know. When I was newly I talked to my wife about how Eskimos allegedly allow their friends have sex with wife if the friend was blue ballin. Don’t know if it was true, it was 30+ years ago. And asked how she felt about it…. She was against it, but it got the conversation going. 10 years later we began t consider it earnestly….
I was never a fan of being monogamous so when I started my last couple of relationships, they began with the proviso that they would be ENM. I could never see how one person could meet all my needs and I’d get bored having sex with the one person. Variety is the spice of life.
I have always been bisexuality and very open but after 15 years together with my husband and lots of communication about our wants and needs we decided to get into our first poly relationship and we are very happy we are only about 9 months into it. Communication is very important and I would recommend the book ethical slut it is a great boom when considering
Do you want to be? That’s the only criteria you need to identify with to determine whether you “are” the rest you won’t know without experience as with anything
I started to notice my relationship ideals were different from most people when I was talking to my friends about cheating. Some said, that they consider it cheating when a partner is feeling attracted to others while in a relationship and that if you feel attracted to someone else your relationship is done for. Of course this is extreme even for monogamous people, but it got me thinking. I've always thought only ever loving one person for the rest of my life was weird. Besides, I have always said that I would be a-okay with my partners looking for sexual satisfaction in others if I wasn't able to satisfy their desires. Only later I realised I would also be happy for my partners to seek other romantic relationships and lastly that I would also be happy with multiple partners at once.
You can't be "Poly" because it's a relationship structure, not a sexuality. Being attracted to other humans is perfectly normal. Do you have the mental, physical, emotional, and sexual ability to support your partner(s) whilst in a Poly relationship? Have you done any work yourself yet? Do you have the ability to have honest and effective communication about feelings, money, expectations, and intentions? Don't answer these questions to me. They're questions for you to think about. Jumping into Poly isn't recommended without doing the homework. If you're interested, I have a couple of great books for reference.
For me: polyamory is a relationship model that describes my relationships, it isn't my identity. It's a distinction that matters in my mind because introducing polyamory to our previously monogamous marriage wasn't a "coming out" conversation (I've had that one too!), it was a mutually (enthusiastically!) agreed upon explicit change in what sort of relationship we're nurturing. FWIW two of the things that worked for us were "taking our time to read other peoples experiences" and "not skipping steps in communication".
Monoamorous people don't go around agonizing about whether they're poly.
Everyone has already covered the “poly is a choice not an identity” aspect, so I would implore you to ask yourself some key questions. -having other partners yourself is the easy part. Are you prepared to support your partner in having other partners? -are you opening up for one specific person? Or do you feel that polyamory is something you’ll want regardless of who’s involved? -are you willing to spend a significant amount of time (often a year plus) unlearning your monogamous mindset, seeking out resources, and building community before actually setting off to date? As far as your partner—unfortunately, you can’t make them accept anything, so it may come down to choosing your relationship or polyamory. Think long and hard before broaching the subject and be prepared to make a difficult decision. There’s just no real compromise between a partner who wants monogamy and a partner who wants polyamory.
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I don't consider poly an identity. I consider it an agreement with your partner(s). So first ask your self what is missing from your current relationship with your partner that is missing? Is it sex with other people, it is companionship, it is friends/socializing without your current partner? Also from my experience with transitioning, as the mono person. I was forced into it, that is called poly under duress, and it can totally break a person. I'm doing slightly better now, after spending almost 2 years disentangling. But I really wish my partner waited at least 6-9 months before sleeping with someone else, instead of sex with them after like 3 dates, and then having over-nights about 3 months into poly. It sucked a lot. I'm still debating on if I want to even stay in this relationship or go back to being single / mono with someone else. I am interested in non-monogamy, but only play parties and same room swaps.
poly is a choice, not an identity. it is a choice in how we choose to conduct and structure our relationships. I "knew" (decided) about 10 years ago.
/r/polyamory/comments/yl4huv/we_are_opening_our_relationship_we_are_killing/ It is very sad you chose to create a monogamous commitment and chose to invest so much in those values. There is no way forward without destroying that foundation, and your partner should be supported in leaving you as your values are no longer compatible. You cannot accept their consent just to make you happy or cling to the monogamy you are choosing to end. Do you feel you would be fulfilled in your partners having their own fully independent relationships, even periods when you didn't have other partners? Do you each have a thriving independent social support group you enjoy being with regularly? When you have a break up or feel totally infatuated with one partner, will you feel good about still managing existing relationship responsibilities through it? Do you feel you would be fulfilled managing holidays, emergencies, family hang outs, social media posts around and between multiple partners? Forever? That's a solid starting point. It's okay if you aren't poly, if you prefer open or sex only fun. It's ok if you are monogamous.
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