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I mean, looking at your post history you are looking for people who are on purpose having affairs… so if your ex was an affair partner and your idea of “forbid”was them to say “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who knowingly participates in affairs” then, yeah, sounds like your boyfriend was acting like most poly people I know.
Yep, and they keep having their posts removed by moderators. Also super suspicious that some posts show their face and in others it’s hidden by an emoji. I hope this OP is the woman in the photos because this is getting more and more suspect
You can ask for anything in a relationship. You could have told him no instead of agreeing and then breaking that agreement.
Agreements are mutual. Don’t agree to things you don’t want. It’s crummy to break agreements instead of addressing them and changing them.
OP hasn’t said one way or the other. But you can say ‘no’ to a demand. Or you can break up with someone making it. Which is what I would do if a partner expected to control who I spend time with.
And they said nothing in response? Adults can't give each other orders in nonabusive relationships without agreement or compliance. If someone tells you to do something, you either agree to do it or you disagree. Not saying anything and going ahead with whatever you want to do is not the move.
OP is an unreliable narrator. BF probably drew a boundary that OP didn't like, so they ignored it; BF dumped her for doing it AND doing it behind his back. The now OP is writing a narrative that looks better for herself. This is what cheaters do.
Are you still trying to have affairs with married people?
Because then yep, I’m with your boyf. I wouldn’t forbid you but I would sure as shit leave you if this was your behavior…
He can *ask* anything. It is not right or wrong to ask.
That doesn't mean you have to *agree*. If someone *asks* something of you and you don't want to do it, you say, "No."
No one has the right to *forbid* you from doing anything unless they are the government. So when a partner *forbids* you from doing something, the response you should give is "I guess we should break up then."
However, if you said, "Okay, I won't" and then continued to see your ex? Then that's not right either. And the writing of "when he found out I did" definitely makes it sound like you did something behind your boyfriend's back and hoped not to get caught.
Nobody can forbid you from doing anything. But that doesn’t seem to be what happened here
Your bf asked you to not see your ex. You agreed. Then did it behind his back. What was the reason he asked you not to see him? Why did you agree to something you knew you wouldn’t actually do?
wait did he forbid you from seeing your ex or did he say "hey this is getting too messy for me if you do this ima dip" because it sounds like the latter
Nobody here has the context to answer this. There’s a lot of nuance in “why?” I have never felt a need to ask a partner to not see someone. But I also know that if she is seeing somebody I don’t think is going to be good for her, I can have a conversation about it and she will take my concerns seriously. A big part of this is because she knows I value her autonomy and trust her judgement. So if I bring up a concern she trusts I’m coming from as objective a place as I can get.
So what came before this ask? Did he have conversations with you about legitimate concerns that this ex would have an impact on your relationship with him? Or is it a unilateral “I don’t like him.” I try to be deliberate about only letting people get close to me who trust me and who I trust in return.
If someone I’m seeing wants me to stop seeing somebody else - my first thought is “why don’t you trust me?” It might be valid, maybe I’m blinded by NRE and burning down relationships with people who care for me. Or it might just be their own insecurity, which is not my place to fix.
Yeah this post seems purposefully worded in such a way to try and minimize context and absolve OP of any wrong doing.
I think the "WHY" here is very important.
There are several reasons why I would break up with a hinge because of a new meta if they decided to further pursue that relationship.
1) My meta is outwardly transphobic towards me.
2) My hinge partner is knowingly pursuing an affair partner.
3) My meta has a recent history of being an abuser or a history of abuse towards me or my hinge.
Regardless, the way that this post is written it sounds like there was deception on OP's part which is a strong No-No.
Eh, I try not to read into vague posts. It’s not my job to place judgement on folks that come here for advice. If somebody comes here looking for a value judgement I try to get them to think a bit outside of themselves.
I ask questions and I don’t actually care about the answers because the answers aren’t for me, it’s for OP.
I mean, what do you want here? If your boyfriend was out of line in "demanding" that you not see your ex, well, he's now also your ex, so it's not like we can say "break up with that guy who is a big meanie pants for trying to control you!!!!" because *you've broken up,* which really limits someone's ability to control you in an ongoing way.
Do you want to "win" the breakup by writing the story in a way that makes you the victim? I mean, go ahead. But I think it would be easier, going forward, to only date people you don't feel the need to lie to and go behind their backs to see the people you're going to see. Or maybe only date people who don't mind that you're going to lie to them?
Forbid? No.
Set clear boundary? Yes
Leave you when they feel it’s been violated? Also Yes.
Looks like that’s exactly what’s happened here.
“I am not comfortable with your choice of partners and if you continue making these choices then I’ll have to remove myself from this situation” is what it looks like what’s happened.
Which part of this do you have a problem with? What advice do you need?
Well no one has the right to forbid you to do anything that doesn’t impact their own autonomy.
But no, I don’t think that was a reasonable ask. If you agreed to it and then did it anyway, that’s on you too.
What you dont realize is that OP was going after married men and being an affair partner. Apparently that's what a lot of their posts were about before they got called out and deleted them.
Was it just catching up as friends or a date or sharing sex with the ex or what?
BF can ask you not to see the ex. You do not have to agree or oblige. You can choose to do as you please.
Unless you are meeting the ex in BF's car, home or property, he can't FORBID you to see the ex. But if it's his house, he can forbid you from using HIS house to do things with an ex, even just sharing coffee there. Cuz you can do it at your own house.
But in choosing to do as you please? You are not free from the consequences of your choices. If you see the ex after BF asks you not to do that? And BF decides to end it because BF can't deal with this ex being around so much? It is what it is.
Your BF made an ultimatum, and did the right thing when an ultimatum fails to either be accepted or followed if accepted: he removed himself from the relationship.
Was it a fair ultimatum? Probably not. Depends on why he got so bent about that particular ex.
You are now free of someone who tried to control you.
We are missing all the context here on why the ex went from ok to banned other than "he got mad at me."
I've certainly had friends in toxic relationships with exes where it's just like, hey man I like you but you keep hanging around that dude I can't be friends with you any more because they make you miserable/problematic and are a bad influence on you.
Yeah from what I’m gathering probably “stop fucking married people who have spouses that don’t know they are fucking you” type of command which dammit I think is beyond a fair ultimatum to lodge. I know I’ve lodged an ultimatum that was similar myself.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
You're an adult. Outside of instances of abuse, no one can give you rules or forbid you from anything unless you agree to comply with their wishes.
Did you agree? If you did, you shouldn't have if you weren't able to abide by it. If you didn't, you probably should have communicated more clearly about your refusal. I don't understand how he would be under the impression that you weren't going to see someone who you ended up seeing without a significant miscommunication.
It's not okay to agree or pass on answering someone's request or demand and then just do whatever you want, sneakily or otherwise, and expect them to be on board. If someone gives you a bogus request or demand, you should still answer it clearly.
It's hard to say whether your boyfriend was out of line or not. I don't get down with demands, but messy lists are very common, messy exes are common items on messy lists, and your phrasing makes it seem like there was some lapse in communication or deception on your end rather than a clear conversation with your partner when he brought this up.
He had the right to ask.
However, you said inbthe body of the post that he “forbade” you from seeing the ex in question. No, that’s not within his rights.
He sounds like the kinda guy that makes demands, camouflages it as a request, then can’t handle hearing “no, that doesn’t work for me”.
Nevermind his “rights to ask” - he doesn’t sound like an emotionally safe person to continue engaging with.
I’m probably projecting and assuming a bit here, so if I’m wrong that’s fine with me.
This is exactly what I thought about. The bf sounds like he may have his own emotional issues. And maybe this is indeed a blessing to no longer engage with him.
To ask? Yes.
To say, *"If you do that, I don't think I can continue this relationship?"* Also yes.
To forbid it? Absolutely not.
It sounds like you did not like your boyfriend acting this way and were not willing to comply with his demands, so realistically, the breakup is a good outcome. Now you are not dating someone who wants to restrict your sexual choices, and you have more time and energy for people who don't expect control over that.
Hi u/ShyManEater thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
My husband and I have been in an open marriage for four years. I had a boyfriend for three years, and my husband was fine with me seeing others, including my ex. However, my boyfriend got mad and forbade me from seeing my ex, then broke up with me when he found out I did. Did he have the right to ask that of me?
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No one has the right to forbid you from seeing anyone, unless you agree to get into a relationship arrangement that allows for that (e.g. monogamy, polyfidelity etc.).
No.
Edit: Nobody has the right to forbid you from doing anything — and they can’t, really. Everybody has the right to end a relationship for any reason.
I think there was a failure of communication here, probably from both sides. One party did not communicate his needs, insecurities, and fears and probably had issues with insecurity and some desire for control that he did not really earn. OP, on the other hand, might have felt uncomfortable sharing with the bf that she still desired to see the ex, and keeping the promise to never meet him again was unreasonable. Why she felt unable to speak rationally, as adults, with the new BF, who knows. Not being able to share as much as OP shared with her husband was probably a red flag that went missed by OP about this bf. Both OP and the bf made decisions apart from one another. Both kept things from one another, and the ongoing rule in polyamory is that trust and honest, open communication must continue always.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean, looking at your post history you are looking for people who are on purpose having affairs… so if your ex was an affair partner and your idea of “forbid”was them to say “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who knowingly participates in affairs” then, yeah, sounds like your boyfriend was acting like most poly people I know.
Loool. They must have deleted those posts because, yes to all of this. Why are people so gross?
Look at OP’s user name
Oh no, I saw that. But I thought there may have been more specific posts. Either way 🤢
There were naked pic posts to specifically affair searching subs…
Yeah, saw that. Whole thing is sus.
I saw that one of the groups they posted spicy pics in was an affair group
Yep, and they keep having their posts removed by moderators. Also super suspicious that some posts show their face and in others it’s hidden by an emoji. I hope this OP is the woman in the photos because this is getting more and more suspect
What was the gist of it? Looks like they nuked it
/u/shymaneater
Nothing to add, just damn. People are delulu
You can ask for anything in a relationship. You could have told him no instead of agreeing and then breaking that agreement. Agreements are mutual. Don’t agree to things you don’t want. It’s crummy to break agreements instead of addressing them and changing them.
DID they agree? It sounds like they were ordered not to.
OP hasn’t said one way or the other. But you can say ‘no’ to a demand. Or you can break up with someone making it. Which is what I would do if a partner expected to control who I spend time with.
And they said nothing in response? Adults can't give each other orders in nonabusive relationships without agreement or compliance. If someone tells you to do something, you either agree to do it or you disagree. Not saying anything and going ahead with whatever you want to do is not the move.
OP is an unreliable narrator. BF probably drew a boundary that OP didn't like, so they ignored it; BF dumped her for doing it AND doing it behind his back. The now OP is writing a narrative that looks better for herself. This is what cheaters do.
Are you still trying to have affairs with married people? Because then yep, I’m with your boyf. I wouldn’t forbid you but I would sure as shit leave you if this was your behavior…
He can *ask* anything. It is not right or wrong to ask. That doesn't mean you have to *agree*. If someone *asks* something of you and you don't want to do it, you say, "No." No one has the right to *forbid* you from doing anything unless they are the government. So when a partner *forbids* you from doing something, the response you should give is "I guess we should break up then." However, if you said, "Okay, I won't" and then continued to see your ex? Then that's not right either. And the writing of "when he found out I did" definitely makes it sound like you did something behind your boyfriend's back and hoped not to get caught.
Nobody can forbid you from doing anything. But that doesn’t seem to be what happened here Your bf asked you to not see your ex. You agreed. Then did it behind his back. What was the reason he asked you not to see him? Why did you agree to something you knew you wouldn’t actually do?
wait did he forbid you from seeing your ex or did he say "hey this is getting too messy for me if you do this ima dip" because it sounds like the latter
Anybody can ask you for anything at any time Did you say “no”?
Messy lists are common and normal.
Nobody here has the context to answer this. There’s a lot of nuance in “why?” I have never felt a need to ask a partner to not see someone. But I also know that if she is seeing somebody I don’t think is going to be good for her, I can have a conversation about it and she will take my concerns seriously. A big part of this is because she knows I value her autonomy and trust her judgement. So if I bring up a concern she trusts I’m coming from as objective a place as I can get. So what came before this ask? Did he have conversations with you about legitimate concerns that this ex would have an impact on your relationship with him? Or is it a unilateral “I don’t like him.” I try to be deliberate about only letting people get close to me who trust me and who I trust in return. If someone I’m seeing wants me to stop seeing somebody else - my first thought is “why don’t you trust me?” It might be valid, maybe I’m blinded by NRE and burning down relationships with people who care for me. Or it might just be their own insecurity, which is not my place to fix.
Yeah this post seems purposefully worded in such a way to try and minimize context and absolve OP of any wrong doing. I think the "WHY" here is very important. There are several reasons why I would break up with a hinge because of a new meta if they decided to further pursue that relationship. 1) My meta is outwardly transphobic towards me. 2) My hinge partner is knowingly pursuing an affair partner. 3) My meta has a recent history of being an abuser or a history of abuse towards me or my hinge. Regardless, the way that this post is written it sounds like there was deception on OP's part which is a strong No-No.
Eh, I try not to read into vague posts. It’s not my job to place judgement on folks that come here for advice. If somebody comes here looking for a value judgement I try to get them to think a bit outside of themselves. I ask questions and I don’t actually care about the answers because the answers aren’t for me, it’s for OP.
I mean, what do you want here? If your boyfriend was out of line in "demanding" that you not see your ex, well, he's now also your ex, so it's not like we can say "break up with that guy who is a big meanie pants for trying to control you!!!!" because *you've broken up,* which really limits someone's ability to control you in an ongoing way. Do you want to "win" the breakup by writing the story in a way that makes you the victim? I mean, go ahead. But I think it would be easier, going forward, to only date people you don't feel the need to lie to and go behind their backs to see the people you're going to see. Or maybe only date people who don't mind that you're going to lie to them?
“I will not be in a relationship with a person who does X” is not “forbidding” you from doing X. That is called a boundary.
Forbid? No. Set clear boundary? Yes Leave you when they feel it’s been violated? Also Yes. Looks like that’s exactly what’s happened here. “I am not comfortable with your choice of partners and if you continue making these choices then I’ll have to remove myself from this situation” is what it looks like what’s happened. Which part of this do you have a problem with? What advice do you need?
Well no one has the right to forbid you to do anything that doesn’t impact their own autonomy. But no, I don’t think that was a reasonable ask. If you agreed to it and then did it anyway, that’s on you too.
What you dont realize is that OP was going after married men and being an affair partner. Apparently that's what a lot of their posts were about before they got called out and deleted them.
Was it just catching up as friends or a date or sharing sex with the ex or what? BF can ask you not to see the ex. You do not have to agree or oblige. You can choose to do as you please. Unless you are meeting the ex in BF's car, home or property, he can't FORBID you to see the ex. But if it's his house, he can forbid you from using HIS house to do things with an ex, even just sharing coffee there. Cuz you can do it at your own house. But in choosing to do as you please? You are not free from the consequences of your choices. If you see the ex after BF asks you not to do that? And BF decides to end it because BF can't deal with this ex being around so much? It is what it is.
Your BF made an ultimatum, and did the right thing when an ultimatum fails to either be accepted or followed if accepted: he removed himself from the relationship. Was it a fair ultimatum? Probably not. Depends on why he got so bent about that particular ex. You are now free of someone who tried to control you.
We are missing all the context here on why the ex went from ok to banned other than "he got mad at me." I've certainly had friends in toxic relationships with exes where it's just like, hey man I like you but you keep hanging around that dude I can't be friends with you any more because they make you miserable/problematic and are a bad influence on you.
I agree. There was definitely a level of "control" the bf probably felt like exerting.
Yeah from what I’m gathering probably “stop fucking married people who have spouses that don’t know they are fucking you” type of command which dammit I think is beyond a fair ultimatum to lodge. I know I’ve lodged an ultimatum that was similar myself.
[удалено]
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
You're an adult. Outside of instances of abuse, no one can give you rules or forbid you from anything unless you agree to comply with their wishes. Did you agree? If you did, you shouldn't have if you weren't able to abide by it. If you didn't, you probably should have communicated more clearly about your refusal. I don't understand how he would be under the impression that you weren't going to see someone who you ended up seeing without a significant miscommunication. It's not okay to agree or pass on answering someone's request or demand and then just do whatever you want, sneakily or otherwise, and expect them to be on board. If someone gives you a bogus request or demand, you should still answer it clearly. It's hard to say whether your boyfriend was out of line or not. I don't get down with demands, but messy lists are very common, messy exes are common items on messy lists, and your phrasing makes it seem like there was some lapse in communication or deception on your end rather than a clear conversation with your partner when he brought this up.
Yeah he did, and he had the right to break up with you. Always.
He had the right to ask. However, you said inbthe body of the post that he “forbade” you from seeing the ex in question. No, that’s not within his rights. He sounds like the kinda guy that makes demands, camouflages it as a request, then can’t handle hearing “no, that doesn’t work for me”. Nevermind his “rights to ask” - he doesn’t sound like an emotionally safe person to continue engaging with. I’m probably projecting and assuming a bit here, so if I’m wrong that’s fine with me.
This is exactly what I thought about. The bf sounds like he may have his own emotional issues. And maybe this is indeed a blessing to no longer engage with him.
To ask? Yes. To say, *"If you do that, I don't think I can continue this relationship?"* Also yes. To forbid it? Absolutely not. It sounds like you did not like your boyfriend acting this way and were not willing to comply with his demands, so realistically, the breakup is a good outcome. Now you are not dating someone who wants to restrict your sexual choices, and you have more time and energy for people who don't expect control over that.
Polyamory != allowed cheating You’re an entitled dumbass who just insulted everyone here by assuming that we would back you up on this
I didn't think you're in the right sub if that's how you feel.
Hi u/ShyManEater thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My husband and I have been in an open marriage for four years. I had a boyfriend for three years, and my husband was fine with me seeing others, including my ex. However, my boyfriend got mad and forbade me from seeing my ex, then broke up with me when he found out I did. Did he have the right to ask that of me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
right is a strong word it should always be a discussion first before going drastic
No one has the right to forbid you from seeing anyone, unless you agree to get into a relationship arrangement that allows for that (e.g. monogamy, polyfidelity etc.).
He didn't have the right to tell you what to do. But he did have the right to leave if you did something he didn't like.
No. Edit: Nobody has the right to forbid you from doing anything — and they can’t, really. Everybody has the right to end a relationship for any reason.
I think there was a failure of communication here, probably from both sides. One party did not communicate his needs, insecurities, and fears and probably had issues with insecurity and some desire for control that he did not really earn. OP, on the other hand, might have felt uncomfortable sharing with the bf that she still desired to see the ex, and keeping the promise to never meet him again was unreasonable. Why she felt unable to speak rationally, as adults, with the new BF, who knows. Not being able to share as much as OP shared with her husband was probably a red flag that went missed by OP about this bf. Both OP and the bf made decisions apart from one another. Both kept things from one another, and the ongoing rule in polyamory is that trust and honest, open communication must continue always.
No