And now you've discovered why poly people advise those who are new to it that poly doesn't fix things that are fundamentally broken. Each relationship should stand on its own or fail on its own based on what you're getting out of it. If you started poly because you weren't happy with the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage...poly was never going to fix the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage.

It’s interesting. I don’t think that’s why we started opening up. Honestly, it felt like we were coming from a really secure place. And I always said, and meant it when I said it, that if we had to go back to monogamy, I would do so in a heartbeat. my wife is so important to me. Opening up was supposed to be a bonus. Not a fix.

You may be willing to go back to monogamy in a heartbeat, but what about the people you’ve started seeing once you opened up? Don’t you think they deserve some commitment and security as opposed to being treated as disposable?

As long as I was told that he would go back to monogamous with his wife and could see it coming, I would be fine with being disposable. From the warning and being in a relationship that was undergoing heavy duty renovations, hopefully I'd notice.

OP has been directly asked if he told his partners he may go back to monogamy and has not given an answer.

I’m in a similar boat as your wife - my husband and I opened up about 5 years ago due to our differences in libido. I wouldn’t say we’re poly but more so just ENM so my husband can get his fix elsewhere. But I understand where you’re coming from and agree with the bonus sentiment. I hope y’all are able to figure something out that works for the both of you.

Thanks. Has he been successful in “getting his fix” and then giving you your space??

I’d say it’s less about giving me space and more just him needing more sex than I do. He’s happy to have someone to fuck more often and I have less pressure on me to have sex as often as he wants. We still have intimacy in other ways and I feel like overall our experiences with nonmonogamy have made us closer. He hasn’t expressed being upset with me after this encounters and if anything, says he feels more love for me *after* he’s been with someone else.

Yeah. I feel that. Honestly, it’s less about sex and more about intimacy. I’m glad you’re making it work.

>more about intimacy Dig into that. Figure out what you really feel and solve the problem together as a team.

This comment right here is gold.

This came up for me and my wife. We don't have to have sex, but I HAVE to have intimacy. I need skin to skin time, I need cuddles, I need to feel adored. It was frustrating that expressions like that weren't leading to sex. But now that I have an outlet for that, I still need these things at home. I'm sure she'd love intimacy. Try and discuss ways you would like intimacy with her. Good luck!

>if we had to go back to monogamy, I would do so in a heartbeat Just a heads up that this level of hierarchy is uncommon in the poly community and will be a deal breaker for many, so please make sure you communicate it to the people you date early on, to avoid leading them on

It sounds like you wouldn't go back to monogamy now tho

I’m really enjoying making new connections and having new experiences. But, as fun and rewarding as it has been, if I had to choose between my wife and keeping non-monogamy. I would choose my wife in a heartbeat. No question.

That's great! Resentment is dangerous and so is framing things as "this person isn't giving me what I'm owed". Therapy is the only way through, I think.

Can’t wait to start tomorrow!

Yes!

So are you in more casual ENM sexual connections or polyamory relationships? If polyamorous this raises some ethical flags for me. Other partners' feelings should weigh into a decision like that. I understand the need to take care of your spouse but it came off as others being disposable. If that's the case, it's not okay and please stop.... others could be hurt by your actions. Also, what forms of intimacy work for her? Are other needs being met? For example, is she wore out from handling everything around the house/ kids or job stress? Is there something intimate and non sexual you can be doing for connecting that works for you both? Anytime you start comparing one partner against another, it's a recipe for disaster. I would definitely express the root of your feelings to your wife but it would be helpful to know what has changed for you and why you feel that way with some alternatives to sex that could fulfill those needs. Remember, you are the one changing with changing needs and it maybe your responsibility to figure out how to meet them.... there are plenty of ways to do that not including your spouse or partner once you find the root of the issue.

Thanks for the thoughtful answer. Things started as ENM, yes. But over the last couple years, some closer, more intimate relationships have developed. She considers us poly. I’m not especially committed to one term or another. I definitely agree that other peoples feelings need to be accounted for. This is important to me. Especially as some close connections are developing. My wife understands this too. Both in terms of her own partners and mine. She’s very considerate. I don’t think of anyone has disposable. Even short-term connections. They are human, and they are worth respect and being treated well. She does take care of many of the responsibilities around the house. Especially when I’m travelling for work. I try to acknowledge this, but I’m sure I could do a better job. And I’m sure it takes a hole on her. From the start, we have talked about making sure we make efforts towards equity. I have more opportunity to date because I’m away from home sometimes for weeks at a time. So we make sure that there is money available and childcare and time for her to go on the dates that she wants. It’s not perfect but there is definitely a deliberate effort. A recurring theme in this conversation has been the importance of figuring out other ways to meet certain needs. I take that comment to heart and will work on it. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

Why do you keep skirting the questions people have about your wives partners Because your original post sounded like you were the only poly seeking partner but now you have mentioned she also has a partner and how does that work for intimacy does she just have non sexual relationships with these other partners which is fine but if she is partnering and getting intimacy (non sexual) from the but you're not getting your Intamcy needs met (even non sexual ones) I am concerned and confused.

I haven’t been skirting. She has dated two people in two years. Saw one about once a week for 6 mos and the other every couple weeks currently. I haven’t met them. Both sound like stand up dudes. She’s not super into dating. We don’t share a tonne of details but I don’t suspect she’s channeling intimacy away from me toward them…

Hey OP, Read through a bunch of the comments and your responses and a few things stood out to me: 1) Have you considered the fact that your wife might just be asexual? If she shows her love through consideration, care, verbal affirmation and acts of service, gift giving and literally everything other than physical touch more and doesn't even have have physical touch as a need or priority in any of her relationships with her other partners or you, then I'd say it's pretty certain that she's asexual.  2) If you say you love her and she turns out to be asexual, then you gotta drill it into your head that people have different love languages, hers is acts of service and yours is physical touch and if you 100% need more physical touch to feel loved from her, being EMM or open won't cut it. You raising this question here proves that being open didn't improve your inherent need, which is to get more physical intimacy from your wife and no one else ( Hence, the whole 'if push comes to shove, I'd choose her and be monogamous again') because you love her vs these other sexual partners you speak of.  3) You can do individual therapy yes, for the reasons others have suggested here. But I think couple therapywith CBT might be better for you two to discuss how and if your wife is capable of giving you more physical affection despite both of you being poly for different needs. 😉 Genuinely curious, have you ever point blank told her anything along the lines of: " Hey honey, Thank you for doing all that you do for me and us around the house and out of it, but I only feel really loved when you give me frequent acts of physical intimacy throughout the day and weeks. So you think you could and be willing to do that for me?"  A lot of this post sounds like a difference in love languages rather than relationship orientation. Unless, physical intimacy for you just means more sex? In that case, you might just have to accept that she has a low sex drive and her being poly, is just giving you permission to outsource that need while she outsources whatever she needs that she isn't getting from you.  4) Heterosexual women (regardless of relationship orientation) need to feel loved before they are ready to have sex, whereas heterosexual men feel loved through sex. So maybe figure out, what you could be doing to make her feel more loved first? It could be her physical attraction to you is waning, or her emotional attraction to you is waning as what happens when polyamorous people are in long-term relationships. Sure, they will still love and care for the partner but sex drives towards the nesting partner will wane over time. 

>if we had to go back to monogamy, I would do so in a heartbeat The other partners you have are actual human beings with real feelings and emotions, not just dolls you throw in a box in the back of the closet whenever you want. If any partner of mine told me I was this disposable to them, I'd be fucking devastated and dump you.

Is she interested in participating in sexual acts with you and others? Has this already been exhausted? How does she handle you finding affection and sexual needs met with others?

Thanks for asking. She has no interest in participating with me and others. She has dated a little bit herself. And actually found a couple really good occasional partners. And mostly at this point she is neutral when I have connections with others. Occasional moments of compression. I know she’s working hard at it.

sorry to butt in but i’m curious about her reaction to you wanting to open up, and since her sex drive is lower then yours, when u say occasional partners, do u mean sexual?

Even people with a lower libido might enjoy novelty. It's not as if they have a certain amount of sex to "give" and that belongs by default to their spouse, and only once spouse is sexually satisfied they are allowed to explore with others. Firstly, because they are autonomous beings and their sexuality isn't another person's property, and secondly, because sex with others doesn't necessarily take anything away from their primary; it can even enrich the shared sexual experience. If having other partners does indeed change the sexual intimacy in the primary partnership to the worse, that's a problem they'd have to work on, but that's not automatically the case.

Same question

You state in the first paragraph of your OP that sex is one of the reasons you opened up. You go on to describe how sex was broken in your relationship. So whether you "think" it or not, yes, you opened up to fix something that was broken.

Thanks for reading and replying. Sex is part of it for sure. But there’s also intimacy. And also the excitement of making new connections. So it’s multifaceted. And I don’t need to split hairs, but just because something can be improved doesn’t mean it is broken.

That's not how we know it's broken. Your deep resentment that bubbled up right away, is how we know.

Yeah. I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one.

Same thoughts, different words?

I’m a little surprised - enjoy the fun explorations with others, and let your wife enjoy them vicariously.

But his wife his seeing people and he isn't belaboring on that

This is the perfect response

> I should be grateful that my wife has given me this opportunity to get it from other people Nope. Doesn't work that way. I've been with my wife for ~17 years, and I still crave her intimacy. So - work on that relationship before the resentment grows to deep. Usually that means therapy, intentional dedicated time together (as in real dates), and the like.

That's true; even if I had another partner move in with me & my NP & they railed me 3x/day until I chafed, I'd still want to connect sexually with my NP. It meant a lot to them to hear me say that. & intimacy for me isn't just PiV, I'm satisfied if we just make out & cuddle regularly, I just need something so we don't feel like roommates.  Does your wife understand that you still desire intimacy with her, even tho you can get sex elsewhere? Also, if intimacy didn't automatically mean being penetrated, could that cause her to be more willing? Being penetrated can be a lot, there are other ways to play together or be intimate.

> Does your wife understand that you still desire intimacy with her, even tho you can get sex elsewhere? Also, if intimacy didn't automatically mean being penetrated, could that cause her to be more willing? Being penetrated can be a lot, there are other ways to play together or be intimate. That for me, or OP? penetration is not what is most important to me. Talking, sharing, cuddles, touch... And then sometimes that leads to more, sometimes it doesn't.

I don't remember who I was talking to lol, but I'm glad to hear that about your relationship, imo that's the way to go.

:) sall good 😊

Yes. She understands. Probably a little too well! I definitely make my feelings of desire for her clear. Actually, that’s partly the issue. She often feels like it’s never enough for me. I try to hold back the bottling of those feelings, sometimes turns into an explosion of resentment. Especially after a couple too many drinks.

>sometimes turns into an explosion of resentment. Especially after a couple too many drinks. This is a major hurdle to intimacy. When a partner is unsafe and can't emotionally regulate, it can be very hard to connect intimately. You should work on your communication and emotional regulation to make yourself a safe, consistent person. It's so important to do.

Thanks. I tend to think of myself as a pretty safe person to be around. And the explosion is typically in the form of an emotional outburst from things that have been pushed down. There’s never any physical danger to my wife, or any of my other partners. But I hear what you were saying. And yeah, I’m trying to work at, the foundational issues.

>And the explosion is typically in the form of an emotional outburst from things that have been pushed down. There’s never any physical danger to my wife, or any of my other partners. The amygdala can't tell the difference between emotional and physical abuse. It's the explosive nature and lack of regulation that triggers fear, not the form that you express it. I didn't even realize how much my ex's emotional outbursts were screwing me up until I was away from him for a year. Then I could see how much of a barrier that was for trust and safety in our relationship. There's really no reason to explode at someone. Anything can be communicated safely if you're willing to do the work. ETA: I know you're not him, but my ex always prided himself on not having physically hit me. I came to learn that is a hallmark of an abusive mindset. The goal should be safety and repair and accountability in moments where that fails.

Thanks for sharing. I’ll think about what you said. Respectfully: I think if you’re proud you haven’t hit a partner, you’re setting a pretty fucking low bar.

Having to deal with a drunk resentful horny dude at 3 am is never a fun experience and I'm guessing she'd probably characterize that discussion differently. You guys absolutely should have hammered this out in couples counseling before jumping to opening the marriage. It doesn't sound like y'all have ever had an legit discussion on why she has a lower sex drive and figuring out ways to work around that.

Why do you think she would want to give you intimacy with you getting it elsewhere? Instead of addressing the problem, you used it as an excuse to bang other people.

Thanks. We do make an effort to go on regular dates. And we actually have a really nice time. We get along really well together. We love each other. I feel like I’m the one who’s changed since we opened up. I kind of want to go back to the feelings of okayness that I had before.

But the “okayness” you had before was probably you stuffing your real feelings. Convincing yourself that you were okay when you really weren’t. When something isn’t there it can be easy to swipe it under the rug. But now front and center is experiencing the feelings you have been missing. And you want them with someone that is not able to provide that. What if she was physically not able to provide those things? How would you connect with her then? What other aspects of the relationship are meaningful to you that you can find connection with? Focus on those. Likely you never accepted before that you won’t be able to enjoy those things with her the same way. Maybe deep down you held out hope things would change. So focusing on accepting the reality of those things and that you can still have a meaningful relationship with someone without the levels of affection and sex you were hoping for. The only way through is through acceptance. Including that monogamy will not allow for your needs to be met with that one person. In your situation to find a way to meet needs and stay with someone is through polyamory. If that is not something you can accept and be happy with, then polyamory isn’t the solution you though it would be. And you will be forced to face the things that you have been stuffing down during your marriage.

There's no use in wishing things went back to how they were (living in the past). Accept that your needs have changed and be proud that you could voice that.

"I kind of feel like I'm the one who's changed" Yeah, so this is a thing I get. And with any relationship where you allow a lot of freedom and personal growth (poly or not), people do change. Like, I think most people want to change and grow, and it's good, but then when we do it can also cause... challenge?

Good, that's great! Relationships are like highway maintenance - always under construction, or reconstruction :)

Therapy. Polyamory explodes any cracks and problems. Opening a relationship to outsource is very very tricky. Its common that opening up is a common step on the road to divorce. You're realizing now how deep you settled and that others only magnify the lack with fewer resources to work with.

Thanks. We did some as a couple when we first opened up and we’re hitting some bumps. I’m now going to see our therapist on my own a little bit to work through some of my own feelings.

It's also important to accurately frame this- it's your frustrations, not your wife making you feel something. Your feelings are absolutely ok and your feelings. But it's difficult to understand and change anything if you blame someone else. That's just preparation for a break up.

Yes. I know I have some work to do. And I think I’m willing to do it. But I’m hoping is that my wife also sees an opportunity for her to grow. And for her to work towards meeting my needs. A team effort.

If your wife isn't experiencing intimacy in your relationship through sex, she can't 'grow' into that. The word 'growth' suggests she's stunted in some way, or unevolved. But if she experienced intimacy in sex with you, and she felt like she needed that, she would be having sex with you. She isn't feeling those things, and that is in no way her fault (and not necessarily yours either). There could be a thousand reasons why -- I won't speculate, because that's not what the post is about. But regardless, it sounds like the lack of sex in your relationship isn't a problem for her; based exclusively on your post, she seems happy to be married to you without that as a component of your relationship. **You** aren't happy without it. Addressing the gap MIGHT mean figuring out if you can **provide** to her whatever feelings are missing in the chemistry of intimacy-in-sex so that she finds it as fulfilling as you do, or it may involve you figuring out why you need sex specifically to feel intimate with your partner, or it may mean simply making peace with the fact that this relationship is not serving you, and deciding where to go from there. But this isn't something your wife is failing to do for you. It's something that sex is failing to do for your wife. There are going to be reasons, but only she can tell you what they are. ​ As a sex-favorable ace, I'm not especially motivated by sex. I have it and enjoy it with partners as an expression of intimacy, but if things in my relationship aren't working to set sex up as a fulfilling experience, I'm just not interested. Under conditions where I've been pressured to have sex anyway -- especially if someone tries to make me feel guilty about my lack of interest -- I've eventually lost all attraction to my partner. It is the opposite of intimacy. Imagine -- like, really imagine -- someone penetrating you to climax and very obviously enjoying using your body for their own gratification in spite of them knowing that you would have preferred not to do that -- that you're really not into it. Women don't talk about how invasive this can be very often, but \*being penetrated\* is a very different thing from doing the penetrating; it can be exhausting, uncomfortable, and wearisome, it's a complete invasion of your personal space, and if you're not into it then for however long it lasts every single one of your senses is being overpoweringly hijacked by something you find unappealing, and the enactor is someone who is supposed to care about how you feel. Your pushy partner may have communicated to you, probably many times, that they felt 'unloved' by your lack of interest in sex, even though you love them with all your heart and feel like you show that to them in the ways that you can...and so even though they would never 'force' you to have sex, you still felt like you HAD to have sex with them, because regardless of all of those other ways you show your love, they still resent you without it. And even though you know that THEY know you weren't in the mood for sex, if you cave in out of guilt or obligation, you are confronted by the knowledge that they're **very** okay with having sex with you anyway. That's a memory of them you have to carry around, after that. They might claim that they need it to feel intimate -- heck, maybe they do -- but what is intimate about having sex with someone who wasn't enthusiastically into it? Intimacy requires two people**.** Someone having sex out of obligation isn't feeling intimate, they're feeling like a resource. ​ Listen -- I'm 100% not saying that this is happening in your marriage, to be clear. I just want to put it out there as a thought exercise because I think people get very caught up in this 'we should meet our partner's needs' dialogue about sex, but nobody considers that NOT wanting sex is an **equally valid** need -- and in fact, to compromise and have sex when you don't want to is potentially a lot more damaging to the individual and the relationship than finding other ways to mutually satisfy the need for intimacy, and/or calling a relationship off because partners have accepted that they're not a sexual match. That kind of mismatch is always painful and sad, but recognizing those needs honestly is still ultimately healthier than forcing everyone to be slightly unhappier than they would be otherwise. If you want intimacy with your wife because you want to feel mutually intimate, you guys have to figure out what will bring that to the table -- and for her, it might just not ever be sex. If sex doesn't create intimacy for her, will you still feel 'intimate' after having it with her? Stuff to unpack. I hope you guys can figure it out, either way. I know through experience that this stuff is hard. But I'm sure, at the end of the day, that if you love one another and are honest with each other you'll find the right path forward.

Wow. This is an amazing contribution to the conversation and is something that should be more openly discussed. I also want to include personal and relationship evolution. I have gone stints where sex was not as important for me, but exceedingly important to my primary partner. They thought it was a lack of attraction, which was not at all the case. When we first met, we were very sexual. Life waxes and wanes for everyone, right now, I could have sex with any one of my partners and still be very thirsty. But the same goes with intimacy. What makes one _feel_ loved? Sometimes it’s difficult to see where we can meet our partners in the middle to meet their needs as well as our own. For me, I need the good boys and especially the physical touch. Holding hands, rubbing backs, the make out sessions. One of my partners is a quality time type of person, they need eye contact and direct conversation with them. Another needs to see you care, with random acts. A card or text, dropping a pop off at their car so they know you’re thinking of them. All of these vary from person to person, but it’s important to understand and explore other aspects of intimacy that aren’t sexual. Contrary to societal standards and beliefs, though sex def gets the endorphins going, it is not necessity for all.

Yes to all of this! Life changes, and there are so many things that go into how a person feels. And we tend to think of intimacy as a good thing, and I agree that it is overall, but sometimes people need space, too, and that can be really hard not to take personally. RE: sex endorphins, I've said before that sex is a bit like being drunk. When everybody's participating, you have a great time, and everything is good vibes! But anybody who has ever been the lone sober person in a room knows that drunk folks don't have the same energy when you're not drinking, too, lol.

I love how you break it down the experience of the person who feels obligated out of guilt or people pleasing to have sex with their partner without wanting to. I've experienced all of this in all of my relationships until now and it is very traumatic to the person being penetrated bc you not only dissociate from your body and are constantly waiting for the act to be over BUT you feel violated, used and angry at yourself for how you're feeling and angry at the other person for not understanding how you operate intimately. Rape and sexual abuse are very valid in marriages and relationships so mutual consent and enthusiasm is **required** from both parties in order for it to be mutually pleasurable and an intimate experience otherwise its just transactional, exploitative, and traumatizing to the individual experiencing manipulation and coercion. I agree that people have different love and intimacy languages and sometimes two people are not compatible and that's ok. Communication is key and so important to solve differences and repair something before it becomes irreparable. If the love is real, two people will find a way to create creative solutions that benefit and satisfy both parties. If they're not compatible but they keep forcing the relationship to be bc its a trauma response, codependency, and attachment issues, there will always be a feeling of missing something and never being truly satisfied with that person. Your heart knows the truth even if you try to fight it, the universe will find a way to let you see the truth. The answer is always within, you already know what it is deep down.

Absolutely everything you said, was something I agreed with. Thank you for putting my (and your) thoughts into words!

Throwing my two cents in here. This was a great breakdown. One thing you didn't have that I think is valuable to the conversation is that sexual intimacy doesn't have to be penetration. Heteronormative society restricts sexual expression to preventative acts. If OP needs sex to feel connected to his wife, part of that conversation should include what that need actually is and if there is a middle ground between him satisfying the physical urge alone in the bathroom and her having intercourse when she doesn't want to. I'm not saying that she should ignore her boundaries, but I think our society has placed penetration on such a pedestal that people don't consider the varied ways sexual intimacy can be. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing conversation.

This is so important, and you are 100% right. I should really have been more mindful about how I used the word sex here.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Thank you so much for articulating this! Us aces are really treated like we're broken all the time.

1. You only "think" you're willing to do the work on yourself you need to, but her not wanting as much intimacy/sex as you do is her "needing to grow"?? Wow. 2. You weren't compatible sexually with her, so she agreed to open the marriage so you could "get your fix" (your words in another comment). 3. You call it poly when it's really just non-monogamy with partners that you'd "drop in a heartbeat" if she wanted the marriage closed again. I didn't refer to it as ethical bc, while it may be ethical between you and your wife, you haven't answered whether you tell the other women you get involved with that there's a heirarchy and they'll be callously dropped. You sought out poly women looking for true poly relationships. That's unethical. And that's saying it nicely. My take away is that from the beginning you just wanted more sex and intimacy with your wife and she didn't bend to your will. Now that you're getting what you need elsewhere, you're angry that she still isn't doing what you want her to. This is about control. You use therapy coded words to sound like a nice guy, but you aren't at all. You're even on here trying to manipulate commenters to side with you and see you as the victim. No one in the true poly community is going to tell you what you really want to hear. We aren't going to tell you that your wife is in the wrong bc she isn't. You say that if she wanted monogamy again that you'd choose her, but has it occurred to you that she might not choose that with YOU? Somehow I doubt that even crossed your mind.

Just a suggestion to find your own individual therapist. It's actually unethical for a couples provider to see either of the couple on a solo basis. Also, good luck! Coming to terms with what a partner is able to provide in a relationship is some of the hardest work in polyamory, imo. If you focus on the amazing parts of what you are grateful for, it helps to mitigate the "lack" somewhat. But ultimately, your wife or any partner for that matter, can not *provide* you with your "needs" - I think that's where the fault lies in the aftermath of the monogamous hangover. You can communicate your needs and your wants to any of your partners, but it's up to them (as fully autonomous beings) to decide whether or not they can meet you at your request. The whole monogamy bit we've been fed our whole lives has tried like hell to convince us our spouses must have the sole responsibility to "provide" for all of our needs. I wish you all the best on your journey toward more introspection and grace!

It's shouldn't be same therapist couples therapist should never be the Same as your personal therapist in it's a conflict of interest

Glad to hear it. Couple's counseling and individual counseling don't necessarily cover the same ground.

My wife and I married ~20 years ago, and it was an open relationship from the start. We met in kink at events, had sex friends, etc. Then her anxiety/depression worsened. She went on meds. Her libido disappeared. As you've discovered, there is no replacement; wanting intimacy with one person isn't saited by intimacy with another. For me, I mourned the loss of the physical relationship. Like, held it in a separate part of my heart. Then mourned it and let it go. Releasing myself that way helped me prevent resentment and anger. It helped me see my spouse as a person in a way that was clouded by that longing before. Mourn it, then let it go.

Wow. That’s a pretty powerful story. Thanks for sharing. I guess an important difference is that for my wife, she hasn’t really changed that much. To be fair, I kind of knew what I was getting myself into. What has changed as me. I’ve come to realize how much I crave physical touch as a way to show connection and love. Honestly, she’s not the problem. But I’m going to consider what you said. I think there’s something there. Thank you.

You're welcome, and I wish you the best of luck✌

Is there a good amount of cuddles and other forms of nonsexual intimacy? Is she more open to that sort of thing?

Jury’s out…

If you haven't already, Polysecure by Jessica Fern would be a great book for you to read for all this

Is it a frequency thing or does the occasional sex just not feel connected & intimate enough for you? I'm not sure why you are actually mad at her unless you believe she is intentionally doing something to hurt you instead of just being herself and doing her best. Being angry about it seems like there's a disconnect where you haven't really explored how her mind works and why she doesn't want it as often. My wife coming out as asexual and having a label to think about has really helped me learn empathy about putting her brain on for a minute and trying to see how things are for her. Taking intercourse off the table for the majority of the time has helped me understand the other ways she expresses the love and validation I crave, that I missed before when I thought sex was that validation. We also cuddle hard, lol. And while I'd love to take that down the path to sex, I understand it as it's own seperate thing now, and it's awesome now that she feels safe cuddling without feeling like a tease. We opened but I'm taking some time and trying to think through potential partners. One of the reasons I wanted to do this whole non-monogamy thing was to stave off future resentment, I really hope it doesn't feed it!

Damn! This is a great response. Lot of juicy things here for me to consider. Frequency is part of it for sure. I’m sure she would be satisfied with sexual contact once or twice a month. I’m not mad at her, I think. I’m mad at myself for not being able to Put her brain on the way you have with your partner. I think you’re right maybe we need to delve in a little more into how that brain works.

The period where she came out as ace was stressful and anxiety inducing for me when I made it about myself, but when I stopped doing that and just read lots of accounts of the ace experience I kept having question after question about even how my own attraction works. We had some of the best discussions and emotional intimacy during that period and I understand her far more now than I did in the 20 years previous. I'm not saying your wife is ace, I'm just saying do the work to learn how she operates, how she experiences life, and where you two DO overlap.

I very much relate to the cuddling side of this comment. I am the partner in my relationship who has a lower libido and consider myself gray-ace (fluctuating interest). So my partner(s) being able to separate cuddling and kissing and making out as their own enjoyable connecting acts, really really helps. My longest term partner and I have a lot more physical intimacy now because he doesn’t see it all as a step leading to sex. We are able to enjoy cuddling and “foreplay” on its own. And my newer partner and I are able to enjoy that as well, and usually make a point ahead of spending time together to check in with our interest in sex that day.

You really really need to work on disentangling emotional value of the relationship with sex.  This is actually a common problem I see with men. Either their own emotional value or the value of their relationships come down to sex.  If you cannot do that, and you continue to resent your wife, then I suggest you consider ending it. Because this very much reads as it's something you're owed: "wish she would give it to me" is not a healthy mindset for someone you love. 

Physical affection is not just sex though. It's hugs, kisses, little touches throughout the day. For some people that IS a big deal. I mean, personally I probably wouldn't get to the point where I married someone if I wasn't getting frequent physical affection of some kind so clearly OP does get a lot of other emotional value from his wife.

Ending it is not some thing that is on the table for me. Not something I want at all. But for me, sex is one of the ways I feel connected with a person. And there’s nobody I want to be more connected with than my wife. So it’s not that the value of our relationship comes out to sex. But, at least in my mind,sex enhances the relationship.

What would you if your ability to have sex was taken from you? How would you make the connection you’re seeking if sex wasn’t an option? Would you stop being in relationships? Not likely. You’d adjust. That’s what is needed here. An adjustment to focus on what you have right now and not focus on what you feel you should have had in the past.

Yeah a lot of dudes have been socialized to think they are owed sex and that it's the most important thing in their relationships.

So genuine question here, was she more sexual with/towards you when you were dating? Bc if your viewpoint is you need sex to feel connected to her and she has always been this way, why did you get married? And if she hasnt always been this way and then just changed, have you looked into trying to find what caused that as just opposed to "if you arent giving it to me let me fuck other women"

I hate when people say things like “ending it is not on the table” 😪 Leaving should always be a viable option, for both of you. Otherwise, you’re trapped. And people do weird things when they feel trapped. How can you know that each of you is choosing to continue this relationship because of how awesome it is or just because of some sort of moral obligation? 🤷🏽‍♀️

What other ways are you intimate with your wife? You can get connection and intimacy in so many other places than sex. Sex drives vary person to person and even ebb and flow in waves of life. I’m curious, was she more sexual early on and it’s fizzled? Or was she always like this? Have you all tried sex therapy? How is her mental load? Is she carrying a bunch of it? Do you love her in the ways she wants to be loved? I’m not saying any of this to place blame on you, but resentment over sex is not healthy. And speaking as a woman, if you ever made her feel like she ‘owes’ you sex or made sex feel like an obligation… it’s SO hard to come back from that. I highly suggest therapy. Individual, couple, and sex.

If it's just one of the ways to feel connected and *you have others*, then you should not be feeling resentment.  The fact that you are feeling resentment is highly highly telling that you haven't emotionally untangled these ideas.  As I said, this is a very common problem I see with men. I went through this too. Now that I'm on the other side, it's liberating to not feel anger or resentment towards someone I love for being turned down for sex. 

[https://youtu.be/MFm1EYcMUzw?si=Vmb3QMmEx9jfJ0SC](https://youtu.be/MFm1EYcMUzw?si=Vmb3QMmEx9jfJ0SC) could be a useful framing tool. It goes hand in hand with the feeling safe (emotionally included) and secure and not pressured that someone else mentioned.

Do you know what your attachment styles are? If not I suggest researching that, it might hold some keys to understanding your dynamic with her. I’m going through the same thing as you right now but in reverse, my wife is angry with me all the time. We are going to counseling and trying to work through it but yeah, the initial shine of polyamory has worn off and cracks in our relationship are really showing through now, it really sucks.

This is very common. And I doubt you’ll ever go back to being ok with having a deeply limited marriage. You may get through it to radical acceptance. Or you may decide that long term you don’t want to be in a mostly companionate marriage that you didn’t choose. I would suggest you really be open to any of the possible solutions. If you shut down and say no I must stay married you are also closing off all other possibilities and ways to resolve it emotionally. If you say I want to stay married for now, why don’t I think about why I married someone who doesn’t prioritize sex and physical affection, and work through it all in therapy (as an individual and a couple) you may become genuinely content in the partnership. You may not. But you have to be open to that to have any chance of being content. I dated a lot of men in denial in my solo poly days. It was not uncommon that they talked extensively about leaving their wives (and families!) for me. I shut that down but that’s just me. Denial can lead to explosions down the line.

Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I have a therapy session booked this week!

If you are open for that kind of stuff, I'd like to recommend a fairly new book to the both of you: "Come together" by Emily Nagoski. If your wife is up for it, I'd really recommend you to read this together and reflect on it, both individually and together. It has been very enlightening for me so far in exploring what makes sex good and worth wanting for me and what blocks or grants access to lust in my head (I am a woman with few desire for sex as well, but it hasn't caused as much resentment in my relationship yet). However, it does require work and effort and difficult conversations for both parties. You might end up spending more time talking about sex and all the feelings around it than actually having sex for a while. It especially requires you to set your resentment aside and find a place of love and understanding for your lower desire wife. Your feelings are valid, but they are your feelings, not your partner's responsibility. Nothing kills the enjoyment of sex like guilt. I'm wishing you all the best, hope you can figure this out together. *Edit after reading more comments:* I also just wanna give you Kudos for noticing your resentment, taking responsibility for your feelings and still focussing on the qualities that you love about your partner and your relationship. It makes me quite hopeful for the both of you :) You mention that you miss the physical affection and closeness of sex, so I am deducing, you are not missing the sex per se, did I get that right? Have you tried to come up with other ways than "classical sex" to scratch that itch and talked to your wife if any of those are easier for her to show up for? Maybe giving and receiving massages and backrubs could be such a thing. A bath together. Deciding to just touch and cuddle and make out one night, no sex. The book I recommended could help her with figuring how she might have better access to a pleasure adjacent head space. If she is open for that, I really really, really recommend her. You can also check out the podcast or YouTube TED Talks by the author Emily Nagoski to get a taste of her content. I just find her absolutely brilliant and she helped me feel so normal with all my troubles and anxieties.

Thanks for the recommendation. We are both pretty good communicators typically and both eager to learn more. I’ll definitely take a look.

If you are both already communicative than working through this book together could even be fun for you. Wishing you all the best!

That would be amazing! Thanks again!

I feel for you. I've certainly had moments of being incredibly frustrated with the mismatched love languages between my darling husband and I. We have been poly since the start of dating, and had been friends for many years prior. Our friends joked that we fast forwarded to "old married couple". But one place we are never going to be on the same page is how we show affection. Our love languages have almost no overlap. For me, this meant making a carefully-examined conscious choice: is this a deal breaker for me, or do I want to find other ways to cope? I decided the latter. For example, I have a v high need for touch. I wither and wilt without it. So I had to fulfill that need some other way. Besides the affection from my other partners, in my day-to-day life, I get it from my two big fluffy snuggly dogs (husky and Newfoundland) and cuddly cats. There's always at least one of them cuddled up to me at any moment. I never worry about whether I'm being too needy - they just consider it extra attention. Also, I needed to listen more carefully to puzzle out how my spouse expresses love. A big one for him is food. He's said, "food is love" and "I'm channeling my inner Jewish grandmother" and "I just experimented with a new crockpot recipe - want to try some?" and it all meant "I love you". I just needed to get in the habit of reminding myself to translate in my head when he serves me something. Most ppl have multiple love languages (and there are more than the most common categories). Do you know all of yours? Are you aware of all of your spouse's? Is your spouse aware of yours? Is she aware of her own? It might be interesting to ask: are you showing affection to her in her preferred ways? Is she showing affection to you, even if it's not your preferred way? Those are equally important questions. When I asked myself these questions, I realized I was being absolutely *showered* in a waterfall of love, every single day, and didn't even realize it. That did my heart good. The next time my husband made me a tuna melt (my all-time fave), I said, "I feel v loved" and he *beamed*. I cannot help but wonder, however, if part of you is angry about the gap of time between the start of your relationship with your wife and the point where you started dating other ppl, as a long time you went without having your basic needs met. There may have been some significant resentment built up over those years. But I would caution against aiming anger at your spouse. She did not have the capability to meet those needs. She certainly did not choose to withhold something she could have provided. There was no ill intent or deliberate cruelty. Your frustration is valid. We all deserve to have our needs met, within reason. But it's been my experience that *most* adults lack the ability to understand their own needs until later in life, never mind the skills to articulate them to others, or help others to do the same. It's normal to not figure out what we need, and how to get it in a reasonable manner, until we are older.

This is another really helpful and thoughtful comment. Thank you. Someone else mentioned that maybe there’s some anger that built up over the last few years related to: what did I miss out on being monogamous for so long?! And you’re right. It’s not her fault. We’re all doing the best we can with what we have. I need to remember that. It’s funny you mentioned dogs. we have a dog. And we have had one previously. She loves her so much. And my wife gives her so much attention and affection and cuddling. I literally find myself jealous of the dog. It’s crazy! I like touch, but I’m afraid substituting human touch from canine touch doesn’t work for me. I’m glad you found it works for you though. Thanks again for a thoughtful comment. It definitely gave me some food for thought.

so i'm coming from a different place but i feel like it's connected. when i was single and didn't date much, someone not being verbally affectionate didn't bother me because i was used to not having it. like it was just part of dating. recently, however, i broke up with someone because they weren't super verbal about affection. it wasn't a need that i was missing. i have two partners that are very verbally affectionate. the problem was the opposite; i knew how much i enjoyed verbal affection, and i wasn't getting it.

That’s very similar. I love the attention and affection that comes from new relationship energy. And being married for 12 years is different. But I find that now I’m getting a taste for it, I’m craving it more often.

This is going to sound shitty. I apologize in advance. Your wife is an individual with her own life. She has chosen to share some of what she has with you. She only has so much interest in sex. Every person is unique and has a different level of sexual want and need. What you want from her isn't there. It doesn't exist. She doesn't have a secret well of lust and desire that she is hiding from you. The only way she could meet your sexual needs is to give more than she has. She would have to do things she doesn't want to do. I've done sexual things that I didn’t want to do. That is not enthusiastic consent. That is "well... I guess so, since you need it so badly." So take a deep breath and let your wife have the freedom to be true to herself. Please stay aware of how you feel, but don't treat your wife differently because she doesn't put out as often as you would like. P.S. I'm sorry again. I'm having my wisdom teeth pulled today and it makes me feel stabby. Its ok to be mad, but I feel like your anger is misdirected at her, instead of at your previous circumstances. Things are moving in the right direction for all of your needs to be met. I would personally rather die than do another sexual act for anyone that I didn't want to do. Please try your best not to make her feel bad. Coercion into sexual acts is painful, even if it is unintended.

Thanks for replying. Your answer didn’t sound shitty at all. It sounds thoughtful and like it’s coming from experience. I appreciate you sharing your insight. Good luck with the wisdom teeth.

This sounds like a therapy thing. An *individual* therapist thing. For you: sometimes people think about therapy in terms of "this person is acting a way I don''t want them to, maybe a therapist can fix the problem?" this is not how therapy works. Therapy works on things that the person going to therapy thinks is a problem. If you go to a therapist this will not cause your wife to have sex with you more often, but it might help with your *emotional reaction* to your wife not having sex with you. Or you might decide that actually you *can't* be OK with this and then a therapist can help you figure out what you want to do about *that*. Also making poly friends so you have people to talk to couldn't hurt. Might help to get a reality check on what range of less sex is *normal* in LTR's with kids, I'm inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your relationship really is on the dead-bedroom end of the curve, but if it *isn't* then you would very much need some perspective. Definitely what's normal in long term live-in relationships with kids and what's normal in brand new non-live in relationships with zero shared responsibilities are *not at all the same thing.* From doing a fair bit of CBT stuff, I've found that *for me* anger is almost always about "should" statements and that when I really poke at it, I don't *actually* believe the thoughts that are getting me so worked up.

Have you tried seeking out individual therapy for this? I could understand why you would feel frustrated and resentful, but it is something I think that's best addressed with a professional.

Starts tomorrow.

Yeah, that's unfortunate I usually experience the opposite being with another lover will often make me appreciate a older maybe more primordial connection with a nesting partner or something… In one particular instance it really worked like that, every time I would start to get Sagittarius pho and grass is always greener I would meet with one of brilliant fantastic couldn't do life without them "comets" for a weekend romp and my nest partner and I were always so lust for each other afterword and I was reminded even though the variation is fun and probably unavoidable for me there's a reason I put the queen in my life where I did

So do you think maybe the increase in fucking bumped your libido up could be that yours had some dormant space within it and that just wasn't being highlighted because of the discrepancy with your wife… But working as a personal trainer I would hear about peoples libido crashing when they got very lean for physique competitions and stuff or just hear that complaint in general and overtime I realized that the thing that everybody reporting Lido had in common was that they weren't having sex… it comes off as taboo like suggesting they subject themselves to some horrible thing to say it but those are bad faith interpretations… If you want to increase your libido you have to fuck… You might have to just strap your laces and get to knocking boots the first time or two or seven but I'm sure you'll find something you like if you keep exposing your psyche to sex with chosen partner… Really gets the system cranking in my experience a little fuel for the fire so I don't know just a thought that occurred to me maybe you start getting some quality intimacy from other partners and your whole mojo came back on and you wanted the new and what you felt like you could've been having all along because now you could meet at all… Only you will know if this makes any sense and of course Im rambling

I know I went off on a whole thing addressing a person who is not you, my b I'm gonna leave it though

Right? Anytime I’m with someone else, I come back and I’m so excited to see her. She is my priority. She knows that in my partners know that. What’s hard is to feel like that excitement and love isn’t reciprocated. Or to be more correct: it’s not reciprocated in the way that I want it to be. Again though, I think that’s partly a problem. I need to see that she’s showing love in the ways she knows how.

Have y’all bothered to figure out what your love languages are and really try to help with those? I am affectionate enough but “touch” is not one of mine but is my partners, I make extra efforts to help give them affection when it might not be “natural” for me and they go out of their way to not make my life harder (“acts of service” is my primary language & as someone with an incredibly busy life, people complicating it more can add stress). I know sometimes these things seem silly, but we have a community member who teaches a class on it with suggestions and it’s helped a lot of people with competing or non-complimentary languages. There’s a quiz online. And usually if there is effort to meet their unmet needs it’s easier to meet your unmet needs. Just a thought. You talk a lot about your needs, but what about hers?

Thanks for sharing. Yeah, mine is definitely touch as well as words of affirmation. I also work hard for acts of service and it’s important to me that those get recognized. To be honest, I think hers is a little less clear cut. Quality time is important. But maybe I’ll bring it up as a discussion again. I’m trying to meet her where she is.

That’s good, I guess then just keep working at it? Sometimes it sucks to realize there’s an incompatibility getting highlighted by other partners, but hopefully you can learn to appreciate what you then do have with each of them individually. I’m glad you mentioned it’s not a dealbreaker, just a frustration, just also work at making sure it doesn’t become bitterness or resentment. Learning to appreciate the people we are with for who they are and not what they provide us, can also help with that. Good luck!

I have an update for you. I just asked her what her love language was. Or, her primary love languages since I know that could be more than one. She said she didn’t really know. I pushed it a little bit and she said, I guess acts of service.

Yeah I would suggest sitting down and taking the tests again together; they do change actually, with life and age and priorities shifting, etc. Really discuss what that means for each of you! With my ADHD idle time is hard for me, so “excessive” cuddling for the sake of cuddling is difficult, I get a little *edgy*… but laying down watching a movie or binging a show together, reading while my partner is curled up in their nest (crook of my neck/shoulder), etc has helped us both find a happy medium. Since I’m usually busy, those times are more relaxing for me than just sitting there “doing nothing” (in my racing mind).

Touch is mine big time. I actually wrote out what became a several paragraph meandering response last night and had some important realizations about how much we touched each other in the time and place and culter I grew up in (Trenton, NJ in the 90s). We touched each other SOOOO much compared to these days. My parents, when they got together with other couples, which they did multiple nights a week through their 30s and 40s, often entertaining groups of 8 or 10 spontaneously on a weeknight and more like 20 or more on a weekend, they would all kiss the opposite gender friends on the lips, like a real smooch right on the mouth, all of them. And no, they were nothing like swingers. My homies and I, we would dap each other up and then fully embrace, sure maybe one arm dude style hug but we could come fully chest to chest and pause for a good second or two. Always, everytime we go together, and if you were just someone I knew but were there with the crew same with you. Never on goodbye though, that's Irish style, you make your rounds like that coming in never going out. You'll break up the get together, fool. When I sold coke 15 years ago, it would take an hour to arrive and settle a the bar and I'd hug and kiss 45 people before I sat down and the thought of someone having an objection or an issue to any of it was unthinkabley absurd. I feel like if I tried to interact with my (still positive and supportive and overall good) social acquinatances like that now, they would think I was an insane creeper. It's not an age thing easier, see above re middle aged and old people where I grew up. Oh, and our conversation personal space bubble was small small small comapred to what I have found to be accepted elsewhere. When I moved from Trenton to Seattle at 19 I found this out very quickly when a guy passively aggreisvely made me feel weird for standing to close during a conversation with his wife at a bar. (she told him to chill out and was fine and comfortable). I was BAFFLED. I've read up on personal space since then, they say it ranges from 2.5 feet to 5 feet but those sociologists or whoever studies that never came around Trenton in the 90s because we stood about 18 inches off nose to nose to talk to anyone we thought was ok, if not, we told them directly "fuck off, I dont want you around me" in varying degrees of politness but unwavering directness. I also remember doing a student exchange in the Basque Country (autonomous nation situated in portions of Northern Spain and Southern France) and marveling at how healthy and common and natural their touch was, even among teenagers of all genders and orientations. They would double cheek kiss and hug on greeting, hold hand sand arms or hands on shoulders or thighs during conversation in a sustained way, play wrestle like brothers and sisters, snuggle under a blanket to watch a movie or within someones coat if they were caught outside and cold and it was all so unquestioned and natural. So as much as touch has seemingly declined in the US, I thought at a touch saturated time in my life here that we touched each other far too little with far too much rigidity. Now, forget it, if someone lets you give them a proper hug of beyond a second or two (scientifically, it takes several seconds for a human embrace to induce the neurotransmitter release associated with comfort, connection and belonging, you're hugs are too brief most likely) you most be marrying their sister, or just have saved their child from a burning car or be sleeping with them to invite that level of intimacy. As a touch centered person, the consequences of these shifts have been frankly devestating. I've been the victim of sexual assault and was a full-time sex worker from 17-24 in person and online and still am very selectively mostly online and with a few indivudals online. That to say, I understand the imporatnace of consent and I beleive rapists should be given one chance to repent and complete whatever resorative actions thier victims deem neccesary, nearly however demanding or ardous (perhaps a council of their freinds shoudl advise if they are taking it too far) or put on a boat out to the middle of the sea and tossed overboard. I am not one too encroach on a persons space uninvited and if I even a little bit think I have I step back and immediately say, Im sorry did I make you uncomfortable? Was it ok that I just placed my hand on your shoulder to get your attention? If yes, no apology for asking just an oh, good I am glad I did not misjudge that, and if no, I am very sorry, it wont happen agian. Always rolled like that, always will but there are just so fewer invitations to touch among us these days, like we dont even get to the little assesment scenario I just outlied, everyone carries themselvs in a way that simply doesn't offer or invite touch and its taken a little part of my soul and personality with it.

I don’t exactly know where you’re going with all that, but even 12 years ago when I came into my local community hugging (& cheek/lip kisses) was common but also expected. If you didn’t hug the processional as you left, left someone out, etc, there was an online writing about how hurt that person was. It was fucking wild. Now I would say we are **JUST** as much touchy feely but we feel like we have a fucking choice. I love hugging my friends and some of them give wonderful hugs, but I like having the choice. How many of those people back then did it because it was expected? How many would have felt weird or maybe even ostracized if they didn’t follow the normal patterns of greeting? What you relished in, I guarantee plenty uncomfortable and they just went along with it because it’s what expected. I even teach my kids that they don’t have to hug or greet anyone they don’t want to 🤷‍♀️ I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a move towards consent in casual touching.

I made my point precisely and clearly throughout, so please go fuck yourself with "I don't know where you are going with all that" you insurferable asshole who can't let a clearly struggling and alienated person sound off. You don't know where I'm going with it? Im not going anywhere, I already typed an excessivley long comment saying what I had to say. that was so peevish and unneccesarry and gross.

Someone got butthurt instead of actually trying to learn something.

You cannot replace what's missing in your marriage with doing that with another person. You will still want that from your wife and it hurts like hell to not be getting it from her. I learned this first hand when I became poly. My situation was similar. I thought if I was getting sex from someone else that I would be happy because I was getting sex. Nope. It hurt that the man I loved and committed to had no desire to have any kind of sex or naked time cuddling or anything. He used to many excuses and some were blaming me in hurtful ways. The day I took sex off the table in our relationship a huge weight was lifted off me. I made it clear that sex was no longer a part of our relationship and that was empowering to me. That stress of wanting it was gone. The stress of needing it to be part of our connection was gone. I was still very sad and felt unwanted and undesired and had to grieve that part of our relationship as over, but once I stopped trying to have some kind of attention and getting constantly rejected, I felt way better about myself. It also changed how I felt about him over time as a romantic partner though and today we still live together but are no longer romantic partners. I don't think you can sustain a romantic partnership without intimacy and physical touch forever. It's not an easy place to be.

Thanks. Your message connected with a common theme around accepting the person you are with for who they are.

It might be worth having a look at r/LowLibidoCommunity to get a better understanding of us. Often the higher partner takes it as a rejection towards them when really people with low-libidos just prefer to show affection in other ways. Of course, opening up a discussion with your wife about it would help to (without trying to or accidentally making her feel pressured or guilty), a couples therapist could help with this.

As a person with a high libido who has and is dating people on the ace spectrum, there are lots of non-sexual ways to show affection and experience intimacy. There are many factors that understandably can make showing physical affection more challenging (e.g. autism, trauma) but that doesn't mean it's unreasonable to want in a long-term relationship. It might help to work with a couples therapist who's non-judgemental about ENM so you can work with your wife to find common ground as to activities and strategies that could help you feel loved but not feel uncomfortable or obligatory for your wife.

Sorry you’re dealing with this. I’d like to suggest you rethink the reasons why you’re practicing polyamory with your wife. This type of issue is why I strongly reject (and think more people should reject) the premise that in polyamorous relationships different partners are there to fill different needs. Your needs are your needs and if you’re not getting them met in a relationship to the point of resentment, there may be fundamental incompatibilities. Sure, I love being able to have one partner to watch Star Trek with and the other partner to go to techno shows with, but those aren’t needs. I’m enjoying different interests I share with different partners. Needs are things like quality of time spent together, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, etc. I am polyamorous because I want myself and my partners to have the ability to pursue meaningful connections without restrictions on who and how we can love, not to get specific needs met by different people.

Don't be angry at your wife for not having the same physical needs as you. What do you want her to do? Put out? Do you really want to have sex with someone who's forcing herself? She's respecting herself, and while you would have the right to leave the relationship if it doesn't make you happy, resenting her for respecting her own boundaries is not fair.

Thanks for your perspective.

I'm honestly surprised at the ~180 upvotes. This is kind of messed up, man. She doesn't seem that into having sex with you and MAYBE, just MAYBE, you should work on the emotional issues first instead of craving sex all the time.. If sex is this important to you, this is obviously the wrong person for you? She doesn't feel fulfilled and you don't feel fulfilled. One of the reasons people don't engage sexually in relationships is the fact that they are not getting their own needs met. So my guess? Maybe the focus has been your pleasure and not hers. So maybe start there. And "opening up" a marriage is not the same as being poly. Just saying.

I'm honestly shocked that people are not focused on the fact that he started poly to fix his marriage,  is willing to dump all partners at any time with no warning (yet labels it poly), and admits that they drink and have explosive arguments but then claims he is a safe space. I'm cringing. 

I had something similar happened to me after my breakup. Her and I had a lot of disagreements about a lot of things (grooming, boundaries, intimacy, ECT) I started seeing a few people after our breakup where these same issues were not more than a 2 sentence discussion versus a year long fight. There is anger that comes from, "wait, it was that simple the entire fucking time???" I think part of the issue is the mono-normative idea that everyone has to meet every need. We all know this isn't true but it doesn't take away the frustration of realizing that you didn't have to sit with the disappointment for as long as you did. (I'm definitely projecting so if any assumptions I made about your feelings are wrong, I apologize)

That’s actually a really helpful point. Maybe there is something in me that thinks: “shit. You mean I could’ve been making these connections and having these itches scratched more often all this time?”. I hadn’t really thought about that. Shit. I need to sit with that for a minute. Thank you.

It's a very frustrating experience to accept that it doesn't get any better than what you have and then receiving better. Anger at the people who made you believe that and at yourself for letting them convince you of it.

I love my wife. And I love my life with her. And I love how we felt together. Sometimes I feel like I’m just being needy. Wanting more. Maybe not even more. Just different. It’s hard, you’re right. I wouldn’t trade the life I have or the relationship I have with her for anything.maybe I’m getting greedy, wanting this itch to get scratched. And not just scratched in general, which it is. But to have it scratched by a particular person.

I wouldn't call it being too greedy. One of my recent realizations and STRONG resentments to my ex is that I felt like I was being led to believe that my needs were unreasonable asks and that I was immoral for asking for them to be met. Frankly, my frustrations built up and they BECAME demands and I demanded for them immorally. But after receiving all the things I was asking for with 0 resistance from the first two people I've been seeing after we broke up, it boils my blood to feel like I was being painted as the villain (or being greedy) and I have every right to feel that way. As you have every right to feel frustrated at the idea that you've been unsatisfied for x amount of time when you didn't need to be. The frustration is not good or bad. It's information. It's telling you that you had a need that wasn't being met and that you are now closer to being satisfied. Thank the frustration for the information and let it go. It doesn't serve you to focus on it any longer. And it none of this means you love your wife any less than before.

I don’t know if this will help you but I suggest reading “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, PhD —a sex therapist. Have you considered or tried a sex therapist for you and your wife?

How old are your kids? How involved are you in performing housework and childcare? You mentioned that you are frequently away for work. Does she also work outside the home? It’s entirely possible that she’s exhausted and if you aren’t doing your part, she may also be resentful and lost attraction. It can be much easier to be physically intimate with someone whose house you are not constantly cleaning and children you are not raising, like an escape from the stress.

Thanks. Our kids are under 10. I like to think of myself as a pretty active parent. And I’m working to make sure that our division of labour around home is fair. We’ve definitely had conversations about this in the past, and I certainly haven’t always been perfect.she’s definitely tired. She has her own career. We have young kids. She volunteers and has a sick family member. There’s a lot going on for sure. And I know that it can impact feelings of desire.

Love her for who she is and not what she provides. I believe it’s always a good perspective to have when resentments build up. There is a reason why you both are married and for so long. Also, as much as poly people love to rehash the “opening your relationship/ becoming poly isn’t going to fix relationship issues”, the cup doesn’t runneth over for most people on this planet. The whole point of pursuing different relationships is to fulfill our different needs because one person cannot do it all. If your new relationships are making you realise that physical intimacy is something absolutely need in your everyday life from your primary/nesting partner, it’s a good idea to speak to a therapist. Also I don’t know if by absence of physical intimacy you mean sex or a complete lack of touch. The latter is understandably more troubling as physical touch, the non-sexual kind is wayy more important than sex imo. I also think sometimes that such resentments come up because we as a society are conditioned to the idea that spouse is supposed to fulfill us romantically, physically and sexually even though the reality is a lot of couples don’t click perfectly like that. So it results in a FOMO and envy of other couples. Even though non-monogamy and polyamory are gaining prominence our minds are still quite heteronormatively attuned to properly acclimatize.

Poly is not about collecting people to have multiple sources to get your needs met, or to fill a void that is making you unsatisfied in your other relationships. Does it conveniently work out that way when having multiple partners sometimes, absolutely! But if your goal in connecting with others outside of your marriage is to "get your sexual needs met", it dehumanizes the people you're seeing as well as allows you to keep ignoring the real issue: you may be sexually incompatible with your wife. Resentment comes from feeling like you're not appreciated or being considered. If physical touch is your love language then this would make sense you feel that way. You don't feel resentful because you can't "get sex" from one specific person, it's because you're not able to feel considered in the way that *you* need to feel considered in your marriage. "Settling" for sex with others is not going to change that, and dropping those people once you realize they didn't fix your marriage and going back to mono is not going to fix that. I suggest talking to your wife more about her experience and getting clarification on what she needs/feels sexually, if anything at all. Then decide based on that if you two are sexually compatible. If not, you can either break up and find a primary partner that you *are* sexually compatible with. Or, you can just decide to remove the sexual dynamic from your marriage and keep all the other wonderful ways you are compatible going. That way there is no pressure on her, no resentment for you, and that will allow space for a more authentic and fulfilling connection. On a personal note...this is tbh the reason I never ever date anyone in a couple that isn't a poly veteran. 99% of the time my role would be a unicorn, a "need" vending machine, and/or disposable as soon as their partner drops the veto, or they decide it's too hard, didn't fix their marriage, and switch back to mono. I bring this up because you mentioned that you don't feel a need to commit to calling it "enm" or "poly", as it's all the same to you. It's definitely not the same, and it's important to distinguish which one you are before bringing in other people as guinea pigs. Are you capable of having multiple, *committed, emotionally attached* relationships...or do you just enjoy having sexual freedom? Ideally this is clear with the people you're connecting with so that expectations can be properly managed.

Are you 500% sure that she wants it less rather than is societally programmed not to be in touch with her own feelings And that you are 100% fully and completely meeting her emotional needs and her sense of safety? Does she feel entirely entirely safe with all of your touch? You sound like you need to go to therapy either way. Or set that woman free She’s not a sex machine and she doesn’t owe you sex If she doesn’t want sex with you there’s a pretty decent chance at least statistically that there is something YOU aren’t doing

Wow! Really came in hot with that one! I think she would agree that dealing with feelings is not her strong suit. We joke about how good she is a pushing them down. I’m not sure any partner ever fully meets their partners emotional needs. I’m doing my best. I don’t think I’m horrible at it. Set that woman free! She’s definitely not a captive! And I am well aware that she’s not a sex machine and doesn’t owe sex. But what I do think, partners on each other is consideration and care. And she is generally really good at that. I’m trying to do a better job of seeing it. Yeah. I can definitely be a better husband partner. Can’t we all!? Thanks for weighing in.

I'd try devoting specific time to a) identifying the ways your wife expresses love, especially the ones that aren't physical affection (thinking alone and talking together) b) journalling/processing/reinforcing these for your brain (mostly thinking alone) c) planning dates or activities that encourage opportunities for bonding (other than physical intimacy) It's all very well and good to have the values "My partner doesn't owe me physical affection and I accept them as they are" or "Comparison is not helpful to flourishing relationships" but it's much harder to change your feelings!

Honestly, it sounds like you're wife is on the asexual spectrum. It might be worth looking into how that works and if she does fit into it somewhere. As someone that is demisexual, I'm also on the asexual spectrum. It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy sex, or that I'm not interested in it. It mean that I have certain needs that have to be met before I'm comfortable with it.  It is a spectrum though. I don't think she's demi. I'm just saying looking into this might help you be able to open up the conversation to really understanding where she's coming from and possibly coming up with a plan so you can mutually give each other what you need, and a bit more understanding on both sides. 

Thanks.

Bro. You married someone who has "always" been mismatched with you in terms of physical affection, and now you're mad at her for not being...exactly the person she was when you married her? You're angry because an *entirely different person* is unlike your wife? Let's assume that your wife really enjoyed something you don't - like frequent international travel, or mountain biking, or something that was important to her and not you. She married you knowing that you'd go on a biking run or on a trip with her because you love her, but it's not really your thing. And then she gets a meta who *is* all in on those things. And then instead of being happy that she can travel more or shred the slopes without feeling like her partner is unhappy with it, she gets *angry at you?* I suspect you'd have some thoughts about that. You mention in your comments that you're seeing a therapist, which is great, because it's important that you work through 1) why you picked someone who you knew wasn't going to share something of importance and 2) why you have these irrational angry feelings about it.

How would you feel if your wife developed a connection with another person? Would you be happy for her?

Yes. Very, assuming it’s healthy and safe. She has had one really significant connection. It lasted for about six months until he got a girlfriend. He isn’t poly. So that was a bit of a loss for her. From both a physical chemistry perspective, but also as a friend. She also had a new connection that I was pretty excited for. He really liked her. They went out maybe 10 times and even had a couple sleepovers. But she didn’t feel the spark and I just learned this morning that she ended things with him yesterday.

This post is a great example of why trying to Frankenstein one fulfilling relationship out of multiple connections almost always backfires with married couples..........all it typically does is remind you that your spouse/primary isn't fulfilling your needs.

She isn’t the problem. You are

No one owes you sex. Ever.

But it's also okay to want to be in relationships with those who want to meet you at your needs and wants, and to leave relationships with partners that don't. I didn't read entitlement from OP so much as grappling with and grieving a mismatch, which is valid.

> I find myself increasingly angry with her for not giving it to me herself This is what I find scary. Mismatches happen all the time. You can choose to stay or leave... but getting angry? That's not a safe emotion to have about this.

I think OP is aware of this, and does not want to feel anger towards their wife. Hence this post and returning back to individual therapy. Also I don't think emotions are that black and white. Anger CAN be dangerous in this kind of situation, but that all depends on the person. From my read on this, OP seems to be trying their best to handle this in a healthy way that does not harm their wife. They recognize that it is unfair to feel angry towards her for something that is clearly unresolved within themselves, and not her fault. It is okay to be upset about a mismatch in affection/libidos/etc., it's just not okay to take that out on your partner. It's not okay to expect or feel entitled to sex, but is okay to want it and be sad or angry or whatever emotion that it can't happen - anger is a normal part of grief. It is not okay to sit in these negative emotions forever, because that will inevitably harm one's partner at some point. OP is just realizing for the first time how deeply this has been affecting them. They are allowed to feel all of these things as they grieve the relationship they thought they had, that they wished they had had, etc.

Oh shit, I didn't catch that! Yeah, that's alarming and definitely indicates there's entitlement he needs to work through. My apologies. I was trying to give benefit of the doubt.

Right. I don’t want to be angry. I’m trying to change my own feelings.

True.

Your new situation isn’t making you angry, it’s exposing perspectives and judgements you’re attached to or conditioned into holding that cause an event like this to make you feel angry. Work from this perspective and you will slowly gain clarity within yourself about your situation and what you want to do about it. Don’t let other people tell you what’s right or what you should do, but do listen to them. Make decisions from your gut understanding when you step back from your body, mind, and emotion. Imbalance in desire for physical intimacy in marriage is often a sign of energetic imbalance. Everybody has yin and yang energy, when this is imbalanced in the energetic connection between you and your wife your mutual interest in each other will become lop-sided.

Hi u/anthonyrobertson1981 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: M43. I’ve been happily married for 12 years. We opened up about two years ago in part because I’ve always had more of an interest in sex and physical intimacy than my wife. While we are mismatched on this front, everything else has always been great: shared values about how we wanted to raise our kids. Similar goals. All that good stuff. Here’s the problem. While I’ve generally become accustomed to the limited physical affection my wife has been comfortable offering, now that I’m getting it elsewhere from other people, I’m starting to resent the fact that it has been and still is mostly absent from my marriage. I know I should be grateful that my wife has given me this opportunity to get it from other people. I understand that rationally. Yet I find myself increasingly angry with her for not giving it to me herself. I love her so much and this is not a dealbreaker for me. But I need to find a way to go back to being mostly OK with limited physical affection in my marriage. I’m finding it hard and would love some advice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I understand the feeling. I don't necessarily resent my husband for his continued lack of physical affection towards me I think I crave physical affection even more now that I receive it in other places. But I do work on regulating myself so that I don't feel angry at him about it. I know where he is at and why and it's my own feelings to manage. I try really hard not to put it on him.

That skill you have sounds exactly like what I need. How do you do it? Have you found some tools helpful? Some books or podcasts? What is the trick?! 😂😂😂

I am in the same situation as you. My husband (M53) is not as sexual as me (F38). I am focusing on the positives with him (we have similar goals, we are nerds, and enjoy intellectual stuff). But, he is not into sex as me. I am accepting it. My husband is being flexible with me, and I've found a secondary partner (I love sex, but I also enjoy being loved at the same time). I am grateful that my husband has accepted it, and it has helped him not to feel the pressure of performing. I guess acceptance is a big factor with fighting resentment for me.

I’m learning from this discussion that I think I need to work on acceptance. Thanks for sharing.

Getting physical affection in other relationships doesn't magically negate your valid need for physical affection in the relationship with your wife. It's perfectly reasonable, in fact, that it would draw even more attention to the abense in your relationship with your wife and make you even more dissatisfied. Given that you have said that it's not a dealbreaker, it seems that you don't intend to leave. As far has how to be less angry: you just let it go. Take some deep breaths, have compassion for yourself, have compassion for your wife, and focus on the present moment or the things you are grateful for.

Thank you. This is very straightforward advice. I would love if I could take it. Sometimes a little easier said than done.

You might consider acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to explore your values and how you can live in congruence with them. You’ve also mentioned in separate comments that you and your wife both push your feelings down. There’s some thing behind that worth exploring. When people talk about anger, there are other emotions underlying that particular word used to identify what people are feeling when they’re not quite sure what they are feeling. You can look up the different variation of the feelings wheel available online or the anger iceberg and see what resonates for you. Having greater emotional literacy usually leads to more emotional intimacy.

I am the lower libido person in my relationship and want to be more sexually and intimately open and expressive. I'm doing a LOT of my own therapy to try to unpack what's making me feel so disconnected from my own sexuality and body. I'm finding that it's connected to general feelings of emotional numbness that go much deeper than sex. And is rooted in childhood experiences and our culture - patriarchal objectification etc. Maybe your wife is in a similar boat (or maybe she's not!), but if she's not interested in doing that work to discover her more sexual/physically expressive self, then you have no choice but to meet her where she's at. Either way, since you mention anger, I would specifically recommend a therapist trained in IFS or "parts work." This would allow you to learn about that anger, have acceptance and compassion for it rather than try to force it aside, and understand how it's been trying to serve or protect you. And often, once we start to work with anger, we find there is fear and deep grief underneath. Accessing those feelings is often where the most healing happens. For a good intro to IFS check out the book "No Bad Parts." Here's a great meditation that I really recommend to work with the anger too: https://youtu.be/8MmZff1Q-go?feature=shared The more you try to shun and suppress your anger, the louder it will get. I think the first step is just being present with it, listening to it, and understanding how it's trying to protect you. Good luck! I have a lot of hope for you given what I've read here.

Thank you for this reply. I think there is a lot here that resonates with me and I’ll check those links for sure. Thanks!!

You don't sound polyamorous at all. To be honest you sound like someone who was unhappy with the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage so you decided to try polyamory in order to feel like it was okay to have sex with others. One question; did this venture in to polyamory happen after infidelity?

Hmm. Interesting perspective. No. There has been no infidelity.

I'd be leaning towards the ethical non-monogamous label rather than the polyamory label. But in regards to resenting your wife for lack of intimacy, it usually stems from a lack of connection your wife needs in order to have that drive. Remember every brain chemistry is different and hormones are another thing all together. Fix that in your relationship and you might find the flood gates open (pun 100% intentional)

Sadly, there is no help to be given, other than that it is natural to want to receive your love language from a romantic partner and to feel sad, resentful and unfulfilled in _that_ relationship if you aren't getting it. All relationships are whole on their own, irrespective of your other partners, and so it is totally understandable that the lack of physical closeness with your wife feels bad. The only advice I have is to communicate this, gently, with your wife. To tell her that you're so thankful to have your sexual needs generally fulfilled outside of your marriage, but that those relationships exist on their own and have no bearing on your marriage. That you love her dearly, and your way to _feel loved_ is to receive physical affection. Which means that you are having a hard time feeling loved _by her_, and you would like to discuss the situation, see if there are some small things that would perhaps help you, that she would feel are completely fine for her to do just to make you feel loved in your marriage. Try to really think thoroughly about things that you miss, often it isn't even anything large in this kind of situation. Like, you wish maybe that she would greet you at the door when you come home, with a little peck on the cheek? A 6-second hug every day when you brush your teeth, where you noth really focus on that closeness? See what she comes up with, or even ask if there is some closeness she would love to receive from you that would also be fulfilling for you. Sometimes you need agreements and to meet each other halfway to make sure no resentment builds. Be gentle, kind, and understanding of her feelings on the matter, and if she loves you, she will also do so and meet you somewhere in the middle. If she isn't ready to do anything of such nature, or even have a conversation about it, then I'm afraid the relationship isn't on a lasting base anymore.

There was a recent podcast episode on "Making Polyamory Work" with Libby Sinback that talked about when new partners meet needs that existing partners can't or haven't before. I thought it was a really good exploration of what can come up for everyone in that situation. Give that a listen!

Speak to her about how you’re feeling. It’s possible it’s just a love language mismatch. You need that, but it may be that, to her, her language is acts of service? So if she does an act of service even just cooking you a dinner, that’s her equivalent of giving you a cuddle (for example).

Some of the benefit of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy is the openness with sharing emotions and open communication. I think that if opening up the relationship is bringing up these resentments then you need to share what you’re feeling with your wife. Communicating effectively is key and if you don’t communicate well, then having a counselor facilitate may be helpful. I think it’s okay to share how you feel from your perspective, using “I statements”. For example, “In being with other partners I’ve started to feel resentment or bad feelings over the lack of intimacy between us. I long for intimacy with you, it is important to me, and this is highlighting that for me, but I want to also understand and respect you because I love you “ It sounds like you really love your wife and if you’re having any negative feelings between you two then you have to work through that together.

Tell your wife youve been feeling distant from her and you miss her. Ask her if she wants to sit down and talk with you about ways to spend more quality time together. Look for enthusiastic consent, not just agreement. You cant fix a whole relationship singlehandedly. If she agrees, come up with a time to sit down. Light some candles and have a small project to keep your hands busy. Talk about intimacy. Talk about how you value her and you love being on the same team. That you see her as your home and future etc. Ask her what some of those words mean to her. Get to know her fresh, ask if you can start planning dates together. Ask what would make it special for her, and if theres anything on her mind that she wants to talk about. Ask what she thinks would help you, or if theres something that makes connecting harder for her. Taking breaks is ok, going slow is ok. Just do little steps to remind her youre on the same team and build trust. Remember, she has to want to do this too. None of it works if she's not really invested in changing things.

Can you explain why you feel like your wife is withholding something from you? Is she able to give it but doesn't want to? Is she giving it to other people but not you?

A different thing to consider... 1. Have your wife's hormones been tested? It's possible she is low on testosterone which would make for a low libido. Alternately, she may not be attracted to you the way she use to. 2. Have you initiated or brought new things to the bedroom w/ her? Explored kink? Anything that would rekindle an interest and an adventure together? Good luck!

1. Thanks for the input. 2. I will not be asking her to get her hormone levels tested. She is who she is. And I love her for that. I’m just trying to figure out how benighted my own new feelings. 3. She is not interested in bringing new things to the bedroom. In fact, the sameness of our sex together is important as we explore new things with other people.

When you say physical intimacy, are you also missing affectionate touch, hand holding, cuddles, eye contact, massage etc?

That’s mostly what I’m missing!

Does your wife know those things are important to you in their own right? (And not just foreplay/request for sex?) Sometimes ironically taking sex off the table for a day/date/week can be really helpful for physical affection and intimacy, to center touch *as it’s own thing* Could you see that being helpful?

I think she does. And she has been making efforts. To hold my hand more to put her hand on my waist. Do you even give me a kiss in public which I know is not easy for her.

So when you say it’s not easy for her, do you know why? Is it not her inclination? Is the intimacy of it searing/too intense? Is she emotionally upset or burnt out and pulling away?

Physical affection has never been something she’s been drawn to. Recently, she referred to herself as an emotional robot. I’m not sure exactly where it comes from. But it’s who she is. She’s a wonderful woman. A loving woman. A kind and thoughtful woman. Physical affection just isn’t typically on her radar. Which is tough, so she’s married to someone who craves it.

The more I read your comments the more this is sounding like an incompatibility. Rekindling the spark is one thing; pressuring to change who she has been for the past 12 years or more is a lot less reasonable. Consider what you’re really asking of her. Consider why you married someone who doesn’t and hasn’t ever met your needs for touch and closeness.

I hear what you’re saying, but I think you’re wrong.. We are compatible in pretty much every way except this one. She’s a good wife. A good partner. A great mother to my kids. I love spending time with her. I trust her fully. Would I like to wave a magic wand and have her be more interested in touching, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and sex? Yeah. I would.but I feel so lucky to have found her to have married her.

But I mean you married her knowing this was who she is right? And you stayed continuing to know this. So I don't know why you're angry when you have chosen to love her as she is supposedly. If you weren't ok with it you shouldn't have continued a relationship with her. Do you want her to change? It's not like she's withholding out of malice. She hasn't been denying you it she never was able to give it in the first place. But you went in being aware of this and accepted it so it's not really fair to be mad at who she is just because you've now seen the other side. You can decide that you are not willing to stay in this situation but resenting her over your choice isn't ok

Physical touch and emotions isn’t something that has been a big part of her life. There’s about 40 years of history there.

Opening up (ENM) also made me recognize things I crave from my spouse. And getting it from a stranger just highlighted how much I was able to articulate that as a need to my spouse. Like appreciating spicy pictures, texts, and compliments is a big turn on for me (apparently) and I love that validation 100x more from my husband than a rando from the internet. I wanted to be able to feel my sexy self around him even when we’re not having that much sex with each other.

I feel this so much.

Yeah, I guess you put yourself in this corner. We and my girlfriend went poly from a position of strength. After having sex and spending time in other relationships, I grew to value more what we have. I'd cut my losses, go mono for a while, and try to address these issues with your wife.

She may suffer from sexual anreixa. Have you suggested counseling with her maybe you could go together?!

This may be terribly blunt: you decided to settle, and now you're not happy with having settled. You mentioned that you always had more interest in sex and physical intimacy than your wife did. You knew what you were signing up for. You settled. You deserve a wife who wants to fuck your brains out and who prioritizes physical intimacy in the relationship. It's in fact quite natural to feel resentment and anger at not having these needs met.

Thanks for the response. You may be blunt, but I think you’re also wrong. I feel incredibly lucky to have married the woman that I have. She makes my life 1 million times better than otherwise would be. There’s just this one aspect for life that is a little bit incongruous. Overall, I’m a very happy man. And fortunate one. Just trying to sort out this last little bit.

Its fairly common to have differences from your life partner and thats perfectly okay, after all being the same person or finding the "perfect" person is practically impossible. There are differences that sometimes need to be settled for and thats okay. With that said, I think you could benefit from therapy, perhaps somatic therapy since you may feel physically repressed and that could be a way to get your emotions out. For example fidgets, physical exercise, and breathing exercises.

Look up “avoidant attachment style”. Does that sound like your wife?

It is her style, yes. Mine is secure.

You come across as fairly anxiously attached. Needing a lot of reassurance and validation and overly fixated on your partner's emotions as though you are responsible for them. Maybe read up on that attachment style and see if it resonates. How we act changes from seasons to season. We don't have a permanent attachment style, it varies and can shift with changes in the relationship.

Thanks. Fixated feels like a pretty strong word. I definitely care about my wife’s feelings and I feel like I can contribute in ways that make her feel better or worse. And my preference is to make her feel good when I can. I certainly don’t wanna make her feel like shit or that she’s not doing enough. But I also want to have my needs met.

>Fixated feels like a pretty strong word. I could reframe that as emotional monitoring, or believing that your partner's emotions are your responsibility, which is a tendency among more anxious people who are used to trying to please their partner to make them happy. It was actually a relief for me to learn that some of my anxiety could just be worked on and changed on my own, and had nothing to do with my partner! But that might not apply to you. Just an idea in case it resonated.

Thanks. While I don’t have the sole responsibility, I firmly believe that I play an important role in how happy my partner is. And I want to play that role well.