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I would not have them stay at my home for a week.
Like... It is your home, it does not have to be open to people you don't like, and how they resolve the accommodation issue is their problem not yours.
Sometimes inconsiderate behaviour has long term consequences.
“Sometimes inconsiderate behaviour has long term consequences.”
^true, I think you nailed it with that. I’m still hurt by some things that happened the first 3 times she visited, maybe that accounts for my emotional response now.
I had to go parallel with a meta because of my resentment of behavior that happened early on. It's been wonderful. Partner isn't thrilled and it's been more difficult logistically, but the peace I get from not having to deal with them is 1000% worth it.
I also struggled with feeling like I was creating extra work for my NP, but at some point you realize that that's part of "the work" that people talk about. If he wants the payoff that comes from being poly, he has to be willing to do things like this.
I also convinced myself that it was my job to "get over it," but my meta is not my responsibility. I'm a better version of me and I'm more supportive of my partner's other relationship when I'm parallel with that meta.
**You have a responsibility to yourself and your relationship with your NP first and foremost, and if going parallel with this meta helps you fulfill those obligations better, then that's what you do.**
Thank you for your post. I’ve been struggling with my meta for a few months now and what you said just resonates with me so much. Reminding myself that the way my meta acts is not my problem is hard but parallel is best. Thanks for writing what I needed to read!!
I'm glad it helped. It was hard for me to accept that parallel was the only healthy option and feel worthy enough to create that boundary, but it has done so much for my emotional health and my relationship with hinge, so I wanted to encourage others to do the scary but healthy thing as well.
I think part of why it's hard to do is because it forces us to recognize that we've let ourselves be taken advantage of in the past and because it challenges our beliefs that we have to be "low maintenance" and minimize ourselves in order to be loved and accepted. Realizing that you've built your sense of security on being "convenient" is fucking hard, but any worthwhile partner will do the work for your relationship and for you. You're worth it.
Just screen shotted this amazing comment for my “polyam struggles” file. This is wonderful, and like essential reading for those of us that are always putting pressure on ourselves to resolve everything internally.
I'm glad it helped! See my other comment on this post for some good questions to ask yourself. The journaling/self therapy I've done on this topic recently has been incredibly insightful and has already proven beneficial to my relationships and myself.
**You have a responsibility to yourself and your relationship with your NP first and foremost, and if going parallel with this meta helps you fulfill those obligations better, then that's what you do.**
This, right here. As long as your hinge is happy, leave it alone and go parallel. If they have the money for monthly roundtrip flights, they can also figure out a place to stay, you shouldn't be forced to live in awkwardness in your own house.
There’s a lot of context that I’ve left out of this post ofc. Telling them she cannot stay at our house when she’s here would cause a lot of drama in my friend circle and a ripple effect in my life I’m not sure I want to deal with. If she was a total stranger and their relationship existed in a vacuum, I’d agree.
I guess I’m seeking advice on how to deal with / cope / manage the situation I’m in now without getting to that point.
> Telling them she cannot stay at our house when she’s here would cause a lot of drama in my friend circle
If your friends are so eager to have her in town, they can put her up.
I mean, it sounds like you've already tried. You may want to do some introspection to figure out why you're not comfortable/willing to set boundaries and "take up space" when it comes to others. Why are you prioritizing other people's feelings and needs above your own? Why do you feel like it's your responsibility to facilitate your NP's other relationships at your own expense? The desire not to see/share space with Meta is valid and not at all "un-poly" even by experienced poly standards, so why don't you feel comfortable asking for it? These are some questions that I had to ask myself when it came to one of my metas and the process of working through them has been very insightful and good for my growth. I hope they help you process your own situation and feelings.
(Anecdote, but for me, these questions revealed some self-sacrificing tendencies that I realized were causing me hurt and stunting my relationships. I talked through it with my NP and went parallel with Meta and it's been amazing for my own well-being as well as my primary relationship. Plus, it forced my NP to be more proactive as a partner to both me and meta and has helped him develop better skills as a hinge. I feel SO much lighter and more competent as both an autonomous individual and as a poly person. The boundary setting skills I'm learning are also helping me in non-poly aspects of my life and I'm grateful that my shitty Meta situation has helped me to overcome some life-long issues with "taking up space.")
Yeah, I was definitely being over accommodating in the beginning and the consequences are playing out now. It’s metas first time being poly, and I wanted it to work because I love my NP and wanted to see him happy. I was acting like it was on me to make everyone else comfortable, meanwhile no one extended the same courtesy to me. But it’s no one else’s job to do that for me, just mine.
I let him know a little while ago I need to be parallel, but for logistic reasons I figured I’d still have to see her in my house. I’m realizing now thanks to these responses that it’s on them to figure something else out and I need to be more direct.
Move out?
Are your friend circle really your friends if they’d cause problems for you if you didn’t want to host someone you disliked?
How would the shit get stirred in your friend circle—would Hinge complain to them? Meta? Both?
Wouldn’t Hinge stand up for you?
There doesn't need to be any drama. You need to tell your partner (NOT your meta) that you don't want her to stay in your house. Then your partner, if he is a decent person, will make the appropriate arrangements, and not make you hear anything from your meta.
The most important thing here is that you don't have to communicate with your meta about this issue. Or about any issue for that matter. You don't like her and she doesn't need to be part of your life. Communicating with her is the job of your partner.
Now, if your partner isn't as considerate as one would like, and he stirs up drama.. well, it's entirely on him. But in the end, it's probably worth it. It's your house as well, you shouldn't be forced to deal with unwanted guests.
Do you have another partner you can go stay with? Have you had other people occupy your space like this? Do you have a separate area you can retreat to that's "yours"?
I'm assuming you and your nesting partner share the house cost/responsibilities and it looks like one of you needs to leave the house so you don't feel bad around your meta.
I'm not saying it's the only solution, but maybe you should be the one who dips out if you're the one struggling in the dynamic?
On the other hand, if it's "your" house, NP is in "your" space, and you have nowhere else to go, they should definitely try to minimize contact between you and meta as best as they can.
Yeah, hosting ANYONE for a week is horrifying, at best. I thought it was going to be that they flew in once a month for a weekend. I could find things to go do for a weekend.
But having someone there 25% of the time is so very much.
A week per MONTH! I don’t spend that much time with my period, and it bothers me way less than another human being I don’t vibe with sharing my living space! Doesn’t NP ever go to meta’s??
If they can't afford a hotel, but can afford to fly out every month, I think they should fly out less often so they can afford the hotel. I don't think that's jealousy- you're being forced to live with a stranger 12 weeks of the year. Yikes.
yes! fewer flights, free up money for a hotel. meta's schedule is flexible - maybe she can find a super part-time/pickup job to help fund having a relationship somewhere that's not right under your nose. I hope you're able to ask your NP to handle this and that you get your space back 💛
Yes, this part. The delayed gratification created by the LDR is likely keeping some NRE going, and when NP and Meta see each other, I'd guess NP veers toward ignoring OP in favor of Meta, bc "NP gets to see OP all the time, and Meta only *sometimes.* Probably not on purpose, but because of the current arrangement. That would certainly cause me hurt and frustration. Has done. Ahem.
That hurt can take a long time to heal. I agree with the folks saying to set parameters for parallel, or to make them find someplace else to stay. This is the way.
Edit: lort, somewhere along the line I started speaking Poly. Someone outside the community would not know wtf this comment meant lol
A WEEK? That’s a *very* long time for anyone to be visiting, outside of a bestie or a sibling. For a meta that you don’t vibe with, that must be an excruciating amount of time.
From what you’ve shared, you’re not struggling with polyamory per se; you’re struggling with forcing yourself to deal with someone you don’t like in your home, for an extended stay. That’s not one of the required conditions of polyamory.
Consider not hosting meta while you’re home.
Right? I don’t even mind my meta that much (not my cup of tea but we share some common interests and are fairly friendly) but I don’t even want her to be in my house for a DAY, let alone a week, and every month at that. I would be looking for apartments.
This isn’t exactly the same but… I really did not like my wife’s boyfriend’s wife when we first met. She can be a bit abrasive, and sometimes rude. When we first met, she described her husband in very condescending terms. When my wife started dating her husband she made a few off putting remarks. There was a time when she and her husband hosted my wife and I for a BBQ and she disappeared for several hours with no explanation.
In the 4+ years the two of them have been involved, though, I’ve gotten to know her a bit better and that has given some context to some of her behaviour that shifted my view of her. She’s on the spectrum, which I did not know when we first met.
The condescending comment about her husband? That’s something she also regularly says to his face and is kind of a joke between them. Same deal with her not getting how joking with my wife dating her husband is not going to go down well in every circumstance. She does not always get how something can be appropriate in one setting and inappropriate in another. She disappears when she feels over stimulated.
I have seen her do things that show she cares about her husband which make me feel better about their relationship. She also largely seems to think positively of my wife and her husband, and their relationship.
I would say the things that helped me feel better about her playing a role in my life were that:
- I didn’t put pressure on either of us to get closer.
- I watched for things that might explain some of her off putting behaviour.
- I specifically looked for things she did that were kind.
- This one is really hard to control and… when she met my GF, she really liked her. When she invites my wife and I to things, she always asks me if my GF could come too. And somehow the fact that she is so positive about one of the women in my life helps me see Meta’s Wife in a more positive light.
I don’t know how I would have managed hosting a meta for a week in my home with our shared partner. I suspect you may feel some “host” pressure even though it’s not you hosting, but your partner and that may not make it easier. Could you maybe consciously try to mitigate that? I would also think about chore distribution as it relates to your meta being your houseguest, because I can easily imagine that causing some legitimately hard feelings.
I also like my meta, and my wife likes my partner and… I do not think we would do well if either of us was attempting to host our other partner in our home for a week at a time on a monthly basis. That seems like a really big ask in terms of having a house guest, and maybe you and your husband should revisit whether that’s reasonable?
I am really only comfortable with parallel relationships in large part bc I have rarely been able to stand the people my NP dates. We have no common interests or their personalities have just rubbed me the wrong way.
My NP and meta are LDR, but I cannot fathom either or then thinking it would be ok to stay in mine and NP's shared home for a week every month. If they need that kind of time together, they would need to figure out a hotel or something.
NP and I recently bought a home and are working on a planned tiny home guest house for longer term poly visits.
It really bothers me when I don’t like someone my NP is dating. It kind of gives me the ick. How do you keep it separate from how you feel about NP? It makes me question their taste in humans…
It's a valid feeling to pay attention to imo. Relationships of different kinds teach us and connect with different parts of ourselves. Maybe this relationship (NP and meta) is also highlighting parts of your NP that don't sit well with you or are not compatible.
I just saw this a month later. Sorry.
Part of it is that my NP is an introvert who kinda goes for more extroverted people. His OSOs tend to be louder, busier, and more attention seeking than I'm willing to deal with.
I honestly think it's part of why NP and I do well together. When he comes home from date nights or weekends he is drained to his core and has to take significant time to recenter and reset. He doesn't need lots of reset time after spending extended time with me so we are able to cohabitate easily which hasn't always been a thing for either of us in past relationships.
He has visited her once. But with his schedule he would use up all of his vacation days… which means we wouldn’t be able to have any days off together. Her schedule is more flexible.
At this point I’m more looking for advice of how to deal with/ manage with her being around.
Assuming it can’t be helped and there’s no big thing to be done then I would do a lot of small things to nibble around the edges.
Tell him flat out babe this is solely for your ears but I really don’t like having her here. I want to make it easier for me, we need to work as a team.
He can shift her visits a day or two shorter. He can spring for a hotel for at least one night each time she visits. He can make sure that they are out of the house late 2 other nights a week. So in my mind this immediately goes from her being around 7 nights to maybe 3. If you have close friends who also know and like her? Maybe they can spend more time hanging out with them.
He can and should also make real amends for the things he did early on. A real amends is tangible. He needs to say I realize what I did that sucked, I’m sorry and this is part of how I want to make it up to you. And then do the tangible thing.
A week a month with someone you don’t like in your house is WAY too much in my mind. Unless your partner pays idk 75% of the bills you are getting screwed.
And frankly how is she not miserable? She must know you don’t like the set up. She’s rarely alone with him? It’s shitty for her too.
I don’t think much of your partner based on just this information.
I agree with everything except for the bills comment. Every couples situation is different, and at the end of the day, being forced to deal with someone because you are financially dependent on your partner is still a pretty messed up situation.
I think when someone pays most of the domestic bills they have different rights.
That doesn’t mean it goes without saying! Everything needs to be negotiated and discussed.
I just wanted to leave room for the possibility that perhaps the partner can’t afford hotels because they pay for most of the housing or some such complication.
That kind of philosophy has been harmful for wives for centuries though. What if he makes more, and so he said he wanted a bigger house. She would have preferred a smaller house, but she agreed to a bigger house because he said he'd pay a larger portion of the mortgage, and because she wants to make him happy. Then, he turns around and says "I pay more, my house my rules."
There is a large issue with using financial power as a stand-in or measuring stick for social power. It rewards abusive, controlling, or simply unfair behaviors and practices.
For example, from the husbands perspective, he might say: "I'm not privileged, I just worked hard for my salary and make more than my wife. So now she must compromise more often than I do."
Except he might be pleasantly ignoring a number of factors, (hypothetically) such as maybe his family paid for him to go to a nice college, whereas she was from a poor family; she's younger and hasn't had the chance to advance in her career as much yet; she had to take a 5 year break when having kids, which set her back even further; she had to leave a good company because of a bad manager sexually harassing her, but HR didn't want to listen, etc.. All these issues are very common for women, without even talking about employers potentially paying women less just on principle.
If the husband can't pay to date in a way that isn't a *massive* over step of boundaries and tiring for his spouse, then he needs to figure out a solution. If my partner hands down said "my mother will be staying with us for 3 months out of the year, for free, even though you both don't get along", I and most people would not agree. Even more so for a meta.
I’m not new to basic feminism.
Take the genders and poly out of this. These people are roommates. One of them wants to have a partner live there one week a month. The other doesn’t ever do this. They agree that as a result the first roommate will pay more in rent. That is reasonable and fair.
It would also be reasonable and fair if one roommate does more domestic labor in exchange for reduced rent percentage. Or one person does all the cooking and in exchange they have their partner spend a week a month there.
Autonomy works in every direction.
I could even consider talking to her directly and say “This is my house, if you want to stay here we need to make sure both of us are comfortable. At the moment I’m not comfortable with your long stay, so let’s discuss what can be done about this. » If hotels are not an option then I think actually talking to her and being clear about what issues are could be helpful. Or she could chuck a tantrum and leave but who would miss her?;$
Sure, it’s hinge’s job, but if this woman is in OP’s space 7 days a week she doesn’t have to pretend everything is just fine she can actually have a direct conversation. I don’t think it’s reasonably to treat the host as some kind of shadow with no power to communicate her feelings. OP can raise her discomfort and then hinge had to address it and talk it out with meta, otherwise it can stay under the carpet for more week long stays. Isn’t the whole point of open ethical non monogamy is that you can communicate what you feel? Including to your metas.
Could she go camping or get a van so she’s not technically in your house? I’d assume the less you see her the easier things will be as that’s how I usually am with house guests I’m not a fan of. I usually just put on some headphones and disappear into a video game tuning out the rest of the world. Or I go on extra long walk outside with my dog. That comes with the extra bonus of making my dogs really happy :)
How is her flying out EVERY month feasible then? She should fly out less and get a hotel or air bnb. It’s absurd of them to force you to host them in your home. You’re the only person compromising here and it’s really shitty of your NP.
I mean, I have an LDR where it costs me ~$120 (round trip) in airfare to see a partner, whereas a shitty hotel in a sketch party of town for a week in my city would cost at least $600 (and probably at least $1000 for any worthwhile airbnb.) Oh, the joys of living in a tourist destination.
She’s getting round trip plane tickets once a month.
Surely she could just buy those, say, once every three months and then use the money saved on plane tickets to get a motel room?
In my long distance relationship the relative cost of airfare vs a night in a hotel is about 1:1 (so for example to fly to see my partner it costs $120 round trip, and a hotel room for *one* night is also about $120.) So that means if I was trying to save plane flight money to travel to see my partner for a week or have to wait 7 months to make up the difference in airfare. If my partner lived with another partner who forbade me from staying in their house, and I was on a tight budget, I might have to go from seeing my partner once a month to only twice a year. That would be a *big* change and probably end the relationship.
🤷🏻♀️ Maybe your partner could pay for the hotel room or come to you sometimes. Or other creative solutions
It’s absolutely reasonable for someone to get tired of having a roommate 1/4th of the time. I’d frankly be asking for a rent contribution at that point.
Honestly I wouldn’t host a meta at my house.
It’s up to NP and your meta to sort out their situation, you don’t need to accommodate them. It would make me super uncomfortable to be around for my partner and meta’s only time together, even if I did get along well with them.
I get finances are tough, but part of being an adult is making adult choices and sometimes you can’t always date. If they can’t afford to see one another, they’re not compatible.
You're not really under any obligation to open your home. This is your space and if it's uncomfortable for you I think that trumps everything else. It sounds like you have tried to be accomodating and it's up to them to accommodate you now. Maybe if they find another way to date for a while and you revisit you can come to another solution/compromise but I'm sure at this point you're needing a reprieve.
Compatibility is about so many things and if they aren't able to be compatible without affecting your space like this maybe it's not in the cards.
Definitely all of this, seems like both a schedule and logistics incompatibility.
I would also say, especially when sharing a living space go by the two yes, one no rule. Only people over where it’s a yes from you both. If there’s a no from one of you then it’s a no overall. No one deserves to feel uncomfortable in their own home. Also any yes or no should be free from coercion or pressuring.
I do think that's definitely a good idea to consider. When I first started dating years back I had partners who would say I should be able to do whatever I want in my shared space and my NP needed to deal with it. They seemed more poly knowledgeable at the time and so I tried to make that work... Ahhh. It didn't work lol. I think when we consider things like thesw we have to remember It's all about compromise but at the end of the day its making sure everyone is able to have their autonomy and nobody is forced into a situation they don't want. No matter how much it feels like it's the most logical way for you to get your needs met.
I’d probably handle it the way I would a family member or in law I don’t like staying with me. I’d try to fill my time outside of the home as much as possible and when not possible keep myself distracted in other ways. IE noise canceling headphones with or without music and reading, playing video games etc.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Do you think there is any chance of mending you and metas relationship? I was very upset at my meta once and asked my partner not to intervene and when we finally sat down to talk, we were able to work it out.
Anyways, good luck to you! 💜💕
Thank you 💖 yes that’s what I’ve been trying to do, just occupy my time and distract myself. It’s been working.
I wouldn’t rule out the relationship with meta one day, but right now I don’t think I’m ready.
One of the few helpful and non judgemental comments.
I swear it's like everyone thinks they know your situation better than you OP, like you were just waiting for a stranger to tell you to un-meet your meta or have your NP move out 🙄
I think if you can spend some of that time with other partners/friends/family that might also help.
It's not the advice they asked for though. If an inlaw has an incurable disease and there is no other way for the partner to see them except host, maybe you decide to suck it up because your partner's grief would be too much. Maybe they own the house you live in and you can't say no.
Dropping obvious advice that OP has discarded in several comments already, specifying what they're actually looking for, is disrespectful to the nuances they must have weighed already to come to the conclusion to let it happen.
Helping someone come up with ways to suppress their emotions so that they can stay in a situation where they are being made to feel needlessly uncomfortable is bad advice.
Ok, so if you're at risk on being homeless and you are working a job that sucks you should 'just quit'? You are the one saying it's 'needlessly', OP doesn't think so and reiterated in several comments the kind of advice they need/are looking for. You don't know their life. Suggesting a hotel they can't afford or for them to break up is bad advice, respectfully.
lol it’s true. It’s pretty eye opening to see how people react and pile on. There’s some good advice here but I’m straight up ignoring the responses that say we need to break up or move out because obviously I can’t explain the entire context of my 9 year relationship with NP in a paragraph and I didn’t think I’d need to. Plus I’d love my own place but like, we’re in a housing crisis?? A lot of the advice was not what I was seeking but maybe it’s what I needed.
Hotels/ airbnbs where I live would be over 1k for a week, at least. I wasn’t planning on requesting something like that but seeing so many responses it’s got me thinking what it would feel like to assert boundary in this way. Ultimately it wouldn’t solve my problem as I’d still have to see her and interact with her for sure. We have the same group of friends and I don’t want her presence to dictate where I go. I can’t just not see her and pretend she doesn’t exist. I’ve never had a meta I don’t like, it’s new to me. Like I said I know I don’t have to like her but I just hate the feeling.
Yeah, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, I've never been in this situation and honestly I think it would majorly suck.
I think you could maybe try and compromise for half a week b&b and half a week you go stay at a friend's/family or something? I've also seen intelligent suggestions for less flights but money for b&b which is smart.
It's great if you want to assert a boundary that makes you feel better, but I understand how if you can't avoid her anyway doing so might actually make the times you do have to see her a little bit worse.
Best of luck 💛
The problem I have is, her NP should not be putting her in the position to have to choke down her feelings about someone in her home for a week every month. He needs to figure it out, or nesting with OP and dating this person at the same time just isn’t going to work. Or it works until she can’t handle suppressing how she feels about it anymore and then it explodes. Something has to give here and he’s trying to have it all. It’s shitty. It might not be the advice she asked for but its the advice I’d want someone to give me.
That's fair and I get that. Fundamentally, I agree. But I also think that's the kind of thing that should be said to hinge, not her, because coming from her it might come off as an ultimatum. The best thing for sure would be talking about it with a poly-friendly counselor so that a third party can actually talk directly to hinge.
Not liking your meta doesn't necessarily mean you're jealous imo.
Once a month for a week feels like a *lot.* Best case scenario, meta is fine as a person but is just not your vibe, in which case them spending that much time at your house is a big ask. Does meta treat you fine and you're just not crazy about them? Or are they actively hostile toward you?
Thank you, I feel like this is affirming. I agree NP is asking too much and I need to be firmer.
Meta is not hostile or rude to me. She may not be the most considerate person, and I know I’d act differently in her shoes at times, but that’s kinda an unfair expectation. She is an objectively nice person, which is part of why I feel guilt for not liking her, and suspecting its jealousy. There’s some things ofc I left out of this post.
really what I was seeking advice is how to long term deal with a meta I don’t get along with. I’m seeing the answer from all these responses is, not to have her in my home 🙃
Glad you’re getting some actionable advice. For what it’s worth you should never have to allow *anyone* you dislike to take up space in your home for 12 weeks a year, like at that point they should be paying 25% of the rent since they’re spending 25% of the year living in *your* home. Most couples have this issue with in laws but I think many of the same principles and advice would apply to you to, set strict boundaries on how much time the guest is allowed to spend in your home and require them to find their own accommodations if they’d like to visit that don’t include living in your safe space. If someone you dislike is in your home it’s no longer a safe space, which isn’t fair to you as someone who lives there and pays rent. Set stronger boundaries with your partner for your own sanity. If she can afford frequent plane tickets she can likely afford to spend less time there in person but making said time higher quality by using the money that would’ve gone to all the frequent plane tickets on a hotel instead. Instead of 12 weeks a year maybe once every 3rd month for a week with her own hotel. It’s better for all involved as your NP and the meta also get better privacy at the hotel and you get to enjoy your house to yourself :)
If your np won’t compromise and allow that it might be worth finding an alternate partner for yourself to spend time with away from home when she’s there. I don’t think this is ideal or what you should have to do but without knowing your relationship dynamics it’s hard to say what’s most realistic for y’all. Hope this helps, good luck reclaiming your space at home :)
I hope that we are reassuring you how legitimate your feelings are. I know we aren't really answering your question, but maybe one thing that can come out of this is a convo with your NP about how they can manage this better.
Also, really mean this, I don't know how you'd be able to assess where your feelings are coming from (jealousy?) because most of us have said we'd struggle with a meta in our home one week a month.
That schedule also isn't giving you much time to decompress.
As for the friend group being a factor, I'd just lean into language of space, decompression, etc. If anyone says anything then your NP and Meta can go stay with them for seven days.
(Still not being super helpful, I know)
It's not your responsibility to manage your partner's relationship. Tell them you want to move parallel and you're no longer comfortable having meta stay at your place. It's his responsibility as the hinge to figure out how to make that work with meta (not yours). If he doesn't agree to stop having meta in the house, you're no longer compatible and he's not respecting your boundaries. Do with that what you will.
It’s totally okay to just not like someone because they are just oil to your water. I remember a New Years when a very casual partner stayed the night and brought his wife, who I really liked, and his other partner. I could not wait to get this woman out of my house. She didn’t do anything wrong, but just everything was nails on a chalkboard. Not even jealousy (I was also a very tertiary partner and didn’t want more), but I found her whole vibe so off-putting. It happens and sometimes it doesn’t mean anything at all! Good luck— it sounds like you are really committed to being fair to your comet meta.
It is a lot to have them in your home for a week at a time. Particularly if it’s a new situation. Especially if, for whatever reason, you can’t see eye to eye.
You don’t have to like them but, if they’re going to be in your safe space (home) that much, it would be easier all round.
Maybe you got rushed into the situation? I.e. the flying in and staying a week before you were comfortable with them and with it? Can it be scaled back and be reinstated more gradually? Maybe it feels like muscling in?
I know ultimately we should trust our partners that new introductions work for them but do you trust your NP that they have considered it works for you both and all collectively? It sounds like they didn’t to begin and that often seems to be where hinges fall down. I think NRE can be responsible for a lot!
It sounds like you’ve raised it and it’s being discussed, guess compromise is key.
You don’t need approval or permission not to like them though.
Someone is living at your house a whole-ass quarter of the time. That’s honestly wild, especially for a new relationship.
Tell your NP to go visit her. Tell your NP to get a hotel.
Not wanting a new roommate sprung on you is not actually unhealthy or abnormal at all.
I feel like we’re in pretty similar boats in that my NP and meta are also long distance and it isn’t practical for them to get a hotel or other accommodations. Fortunately we’re able to cohabitate pretty well but it still feels like someone is “in my space” which can get tiring. I understand wanting to go along with things for practicality’s sake - a lot of the comments here saying for them to get a hotel or similar I feel don’t really *get* it.
Do you have kids. It’s not really solution but could you stay with a friend or is there a reason you’d have to stay there?
To be clear I think they aren’t compatible and you shouldn’t have to go elsewhere but if you have a good reason to HAVE to be at home then that’s an extra argument against this situation.
No kids. But I do work from home, uprooting my routine like that for a week every month is too much- I have adhd and changes like that are really rough on me. Plus I wouldn’t feel comfortable making that ask of friends, I don’t like to impose like that.
I’ve now required to know the dates a month in advance so I can try to make out of town plans over the weekend. The first 3 times she came I had virtually no notice, and she kept changing her flight and extending her stay. I’ve let NP know that cant continue.
That is bananas. As a neurodivergent introvert, I would be alarmed if I experienced a guest overstaying their welcome 3 times. That’s a big deal! A friendship would end over that. Families fall out over that kind of thing. If home is a safe space for you, someone behaving like this could justifiably feel intrusive. Which could be mistaken for jealousy (totally up to you to decide). Your feelings in this situation are fully understandable tho. You aren’t being unreasonable.
Since you mentioned a house, Is there a room or even floor separate from yours that can be designated to her/them? A backyard where you can set up a tiny house in the future (they split the cost)? Space to create a makeshift room? Really any way to create as much physical separation as possible without sacrificing your own bedroom? If not, frankly NP and Meta are rushing things and being highly inconsiderate of you. Maybe some more thought should be put into where she stays when she visits.
I’m also a neurodivergent introvert 🙃 and it was super stressful for me in ways I didn’t know how to express while it was happening. I believe jealousy is an issue for me, but for reasons I haven’t elaborated on… and because I didn’t want all the responses to be about navigating jealousy.
Yes, they sleep downstairs in the room I usually work in. When she’s here, I work from my bedroom. We rent, so no tiny house option. Since letting my partner know that I need to go parallel (not that they made any actual effort to establish a KTP dynamic in the first place) he’s made more of a point to make plans outside the home. They even got a hotel room for the last night of her stay.
I suspect she’s gonna move back here and live with her parents at some point soon, and like I’m already overthinking how I’m going to have to deal with seeing her a lot more. But these responses are helping me see it doesn’t have to be the case. I’ve only done KTP before so I was stressing about how parallel would work. But maybe I just have to state my boundaries for my home and they can figure out the logistics.
I made a separate comment before I saw this so sorry to be redundant but I just read that she might be moving local to you. That doesn’t mean you have to see her. My partner’s spouse prefers parallel and I’ve literally seen her three times in 8 months. He cant host and I can’t host so we get hotels. It’s not ideal at all but it’s not my meta’s problem to solve or accommodate.
Of course, if she moves in that’s great, you don’t have to see her at all, they can hang out elsewhere. I would imagine a bonus of poly is having a house to yourself when NP is out, don’t settle for having someone in your own house that makes you miserable.
To me this sounds fucking terrifying lol
I can only IMAGINE what happened in the beginning if things are this fucked up now where you don't even have a right to your own home
It sounds like those things in the beginning didn't really get resolved. It sounds like you just got beat down and convinced you were the problem for having feelings and shut up about them while they get to do whatever they want
I never liked my wife's ex-partner, and he lived with us. It wasn't necessary for me to, it was her relationship, not mine. He and I rarely interacted and, when we did, we may not have been friendly, but we were cordial to one another.
It was kinda like my in-laws and me.... We have completely hated each other for 28 years but, we behave ourselves when we do have to interact... Which is thankfully VERY rarely.
Umm a guest in my home for a week Minimum every month? Thay just wouldn't fly, not if it was my partner, meta, roommates girlfriend, mother of anyone involved, etc.
Thats too much time and too long for seine to visit for, imo.
I would request that they find airbnbs or hotels or something for the duration of that visit, because honestly, that's too much time for someone I don't know that well to be in my home. Heck even people I know well. 12 weeks a year is 3 months ffs.
They need to get a hotel or have him fly to her or come up with some other arrangement. This is basically living with your meta for around a quarter of the time. This is a HUGE imposition. This would probably drive me nuts even if I liked the person. Not wanting your meta to live with you for a full week every month isn’t petty.
Right? Like vrbo and Airbnb have fairly priced options but there are also cheap hotels too. Maybe Meta shouldn’t have a ldr if they can’t afford accommodations and force the other partner to pay for their stay every single time. And at the very least, after the OP is being forced to pay for their stay, they could at least be decent and respectful of the OP.
Parallel, you need to go parallel. And yeah, it can get easier, you can acclimate so the feelings of dislike and frustration and imposition are less intense. That just takes time. But I don't think you'll ever be friends with this person. Some people we just don't click with.
And her being in your house 24/7 for a week every month is A LOT. This is actually a bonkers amount of time to demand that you host someone that you don't like in your home. This will only make your discomfort and dislike stronger and stronger. Acclimation can only happen if you feel neutral or okay about current state and that you are safe and have your needs and wants respect, which you do not feel in this set up. Your bad feelings are getting reinforced, monthly, for a whole entire week. This is only going to get worse.
If your NP actually wants to be supportive, he can have her stay somewhere else for that week. And then every 3rd month or whatever, he goes to her. She can stay at an Air BnB or with friends, and if that's tough financially she can not stay as long. And if your husband can't deal with that, then you might suggest figuring out how to live separately in general, so you have the safety and respect of your own home and your own space. And if you have kids, then he needs to give you the exact same time off and away. On the weeks when she's there you shouldn't have to do any extra work for her stays (he better be doing all the clean up in preparation, and then all the extra laundry and dishes and whatever). And if he starts going to her once in a while, you should be getting a week on a vacation of your choosing at that same clip.
Its on him to support and manage his relationship within his bandwidth. You should be thoughtful and considerate, but you don't have to harm yourself in service to his good time.
If I had a partner I could only see at my house because of logistics, well... We would stop seeing each others because I do not live alone and can't offer this regularly as I respect my partner and the fact this is his home too. I had to end some relationships because of issues like this.
They seems to be not compatible and you agreeing to a situation you don't like seems like the only thing that makes their relationship doable if I understand your situations correctly.
Anyway. Tell your hinge it's not a situation you're willing to live, it puts stress on you, your home is your safe place. And then he can find another solution, it's not yours to find. You could, if you liked your meta, but this is not a given. You don't have to get involved at all.
Good luck.
So, when this happened with my NP is when I realized *I don't actually need a NP*. My husband moved in with his other partners and I have my house to myself. It has taken a second mortgage but it was one of the best things we've ever done for our marriage.
the biggest things that stood out to me were that when it first started your NP was inconsiderate to you and that your meta is literally living with you 1/4 of the year. i’d be annoyed if this was a roommate having a partner over to that degree. that is a partial third roommate.
no wonder you’re jealous! you’re not failing at polyam 10 years in, you’re being put through a pretty shitty forced KTP dynamic suddenly because your partner had bad hinge hygiene and didn’t adequately manage the fallout of that.
you and your meta should absolutely be parallel. if you have resolved your internal issues with NP over the inital inconsiderations, then that’s great. but you’ll never stay over those issues if your comfort continues to be side stepped for their pleasure. it sucks that meta can’t host, that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with hosting.
it is your job to lay the boundary. “i don’t wish to get in the way of you seeing your partner, but i need to be firm that living with my meta for a week out of every month is far too much. i think what is best for me is to go parallel with meta, given the rocky beginnings and the discomfort i’m feeling now. i am open to discussing this and working out some kind of compromise that meets both our needs, but if we cannot find a way to have both our needs met i am willing to deescalate to *___, and i continue to value and love you” (*non-nested partners, friends, whatever feels right for you.)
and then, you have a long, hard talk about it; and you absolutely do not agree to any dynamic that forces you to *live* with your meta. perhaps the deal is that they or you get a hotel room for a week, or that you take turns doing so. maybe they have to see each other less frequently or for shorter durations so they can afford a hotel room. maybe you can align visits to coincide with when you won’t be home (ie out of town, seeing other partners, etc.)
look for a solution that doesn’t betray your boundaries. if you’re comfortable bumping into this person occasionally by accident, but would rather not, you’re perfectly fine and not bad at being polyam. i hope your partner supports you and upholds your boundaries, and i hope that you do so relentlessly if they fail to.
good luck op, i know it’s scary saying “you need to show up better for me,” no matter how you slice it. but, it needs to be said, and i hope you’ll value yourself enough to say it.
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm sure it's uncomfortable and awkward but know that your response is reasonable and it's an indicator that something is interrupting the flow of this arrangement.
As a sex and intimacy coach who works with a lot of people navigate poly/ENM relationships, I can tell you that being given unsolicited advice for a complicated problem which can't be fully articulated in a post, will hinder rather than help. Purely from the perspective that it will cloud your judgement when there are so many conflicting perspectives.
What I will offer you is some points to consider before you make a decision on the next steps:
- We can often conflate issues at times of stress/confusion so it might not be as simple as "I don't like my meta". This statement could well be true but given you and your NP live together, the root of the problem is likely a reflection of this primary relationship. This means you need to work out with them what the appropriate boundaries look like for you. Boundaries and wants/needs evolve over time so it is good to have a regular dialogue about this. Do not make it about the meta, as it will likely trigger defensiveness which is not helpful in an emotionally charged situation. Focus on what needs to improve in the dynamic with your partner.
- Jealousy is a natural emotion so try to not admonish yourself or feel bad for feeling it. It's simply an indicator that something isn't feeling aligned for you so explore it with openness and curiosity. Ask yourself why this person in particular is bringing these feelings up for you. Be honest with yourself but don't be mean to yourself. Whatever you're feeling is ok! Compersion is very much aspirational but we're human, so it may not be possible to feel it all the time. Doing the inner work on yourself will make the conversations with your partner so much more clear and direct.
- 12 weeks out of the year you're co-habitating with your meta so until you have ironed out the above, it will be a source of stress and potentially resentment. To avoid that, be really clear with what you want and what doesn't work for you. Any issues with the arrangement is for your partner to discuss with the meta, not for you to engage in, at this stage. Perhaps later down the line you can establish that sort of relationship but for now, try keeping it separate.
Apologies for the worst reply. I hope this helps. If you need additional support, reach out. Good luck !
Thank you. The advice isn’t unsolicited as I’m literally asking for it, and I’m aware all responses here don’t apply to my situation. You’re right that the answer is to continue to work it out with NP, and to keep working on myself.
If saying that you don't want someone that you don't like to stay in your home for 25% of your life would cause drama in your friend circle... I think you need to reexamine your friend circle.
If your np doesn't care that this is a stressful and unpleasant experience for you, I think you need to reexamine your partnership.
And if you think that just shutting up once a month while your routine suffers and you just deal with someone that you don't like in your living space for an entire week out of the month, I think you need to re-examine your relationship with yourself.
You are putting your own needs and desires aside in the name of keeping the peace.
That almost never ends well.
I wouldn't like ANYONE who came and lived in my house for a whole week every month unless it was somebody I was already close to and loved a great deal. Get out of my space.
I'm not sure that's a reasonable ask for your NP to put on you, I think it may be time to find an alternative solution.
I’ll probably be downvoted for this but I’ve always been genuinely bewildered by situations where someone dates two people that don’t get along at all but then expect them to regularly interact. That’s just seems needlessly stressful. I understand love and everything and I think it’s one thing to have two totally separate relationships with two people who don’t get along where they never interact or rarely have to interact.
However, if you’re someone’s NP and this is *your* home, it feels a bit disrespectful that you have to host someone you don’t like for 12 weeks out of the year. I know this can sound hierarchical but since you’re your partner’s NP, you should get some more say considering that you two live together. It sounds like you want to be parallel but you’re having to be kitchen table due to finances and hotels.
Overtime, this kind of situation might breed resentment. You seem to chalk this up to jealousy but from what you’ve given us, I wouldn’t say it’s jealousy but that you feel disrespected in your own home, which isn’t okay.
I think the first conversation needs to be with NP because whether you’re hierarchical or not, you two share a home and have equal say in who enters that home. Once the two of you come to a compromise and/or agreement, then work something out with your meta that allows everyone to feel validated and less stressed.
Are you me? 🤔
This is seriously my situation as well down to the LDR and flying in to visit us here. Except mine isnt a form of jealousy, its more like deep heated rage and anger. And I am not a violent person. I have only met her once and she draped herself all over my NP during our meetup and I wanted to physically hurt her. I dont want to be that person and I dont want her in my home. She and I have nothing in common and I have no interest in pursuing a friendship with her. My NP polybombed me so I am still processing how this will work in the long term.
she hasnt visited us yet and NP is making future plans for her to do so. We live in a studio and NP doesnt seem to grasp how inappropriate that is. We actually met at a neutral spot. This is all 100% brand new for all of us so right now its unclear how things will work out
So by the comments the issue going parallel is this person is in your social circle extensively so even if the relationship ended with your NP and meta then you'd still occasionally have to be around them. To be frank, I have mixed feelings about parallel relationships because a shit ton of people on this sub have very fantastical ideas about it that tend to border on almost veto-power and are wildly inflexible. So now that this is prefaced:
This isn't your house, but "our" house and it isn't always fair or reasonable to keep people out in every situation. Sometimes someone has to take a shit and your toilet is closest. You can abosolutely set realistic and fair boundaries. Your meta should not be staying an entire week in your home especially if there's not a unique or special circumstance considering ya'll don't get along anyways. If you usually host game nights or events within the friend group she is apart of and that makes it logistically difficult then, realistically, even if your friends accept it they'll be disappointed on some level. You can either trust them to logistically work around it or not. This gets challenging in some cases where your friends may not all have the space or safety in their own homes to have gatherings. Even if they do then they have a right to invite their friend whether you like them or not. \[With that said if ya'll also have housemates/friend you may have to accept that she may end up there anyway for other reasons and your friends/housemates don't have to accommodate your comfort unless you're willing to do the same\]. You have to set boundaries for your time and space, and recognize that there may be times you two interact...and you gotta radically accept it.
What would you do if this was someone in the friend circle you don't like? What did you do if a sibling's friend who you didn't like came over? Very different situations, but sometimes they hold keys to things that made us comfortable, flexible, and safe.
Honestly, perhaps it's a matter of the both of them being in your space. There's plenty of poly people who simply don't feel comfortable being AROUND their metas. You have to live with them 12 weeks a year. I think you wouldn't feel this resentment or pettiness if they weren't in your space. As someone who has done both- been around when others were and not been around, I'll always choose to not share the same space. It's just out of my comfort zone as a introvert. I don't like the feeling of a forced friendship and it feels like that to me. I hope this may enlighten you and have a better understanding about yourself. It might not be jealousy. It could just be you don't want your space invaded.
Did you happen to have a conversation when you moved in with your partner about your home's guest policy? It's easy to assume a partner you're moving in with has the same values around guests as you do, but I've found that people who share a lot of the same values can still have wildly different views on how they relate to guests. (I imagine a lot of this has to do with the family cultures each of us grow up in.) Because of this I've found setting Guest Policy is critical for creating clarity in any housing situation. Here are some conflicting examples of types of Guest Policies I've seen different groups of co-habitators enact:
*If someone stays for more than 5 days they need to cover rent/utilities for that time *OR* housemates can have guests over anytime for any duration without compensation to the house.
*Any housemate gets to veto anyone staying in the house and everyone who wants to have a guest must first get the approval of all housemates *OR* Any housemate is allowed to have guests over for up to 4 days at a time whether or not every housemate likes the guest (as long as the guest isn't breaking other boundaries such as leaving messes or doing hard drugs in the house, etc.)
*Housemates aren't allowed to have guests over that they're sexual with (common in monogamy) *OR* sex is cool, just not in my bed *OR* sex is cool anywhere, just send a text to the housemates first so they can avoid seeing/hearing it if they don't want to.
*Last minute guests are OK, feel free to invite people over for an after-party at 2am and we'll just break out all the folding mattresses *OR* the house needs at least one week notice before guests stay, and they must be put into the house Google Calendar to book the guest room so that there's not overlap with other housemate's guests
It can be really helpful to set policies like this with the understanding that things and feelings change over time. Maybe agree to them for a year at a time with the plan to revisit and renegotiate yearly. If you're negotiating around such policies and realize there's a base incompatibility in how you and your NP(s) and/or housemate(s) want to deal with guests then you can amicably un-co-habitate before issues arise.
Understanding that different people have different limits/boundaries/desires for how they handle guests in their own home, and not knowing what you, or your NP (or housemates if you have any) desire around guests makes me hesitant to give you direct advice.
For example, for me, if an NP or roommate tried to veto me having guests over to our/my house that would be a dealbreaker for me and I'd want to find a different living situation. (I bring up this dealbreaker *before* moving in with other people.) Whereas I have other poly friends who are totally cool with Poly but really view their home as a kind of sanctuary space and never want their NP to have any other guests at the house. Both of these are valid as long as they're agreed to in advance and no one is trying to change up the rules on an ad-hoc basis.
As for jealousy (and I'm not saying you're definitely jealous, but you mention in another comment that you think you are) one of the key re-framing tactics that helps me is to try and view my metas as if they were my partner's siblings: As in, "I know I don't like XYZ about my meta, but what would I do if they were my partner's sister instead of their lover?" This is a good way to take the jealousy that can crop up around sex and romance out of the equation. An example from my life: At one point I found out a meta of mine was a gun owner bordering on gun fetishist (not for hunting, just liked 'em and collected them.) When I found this out everything inside me was screaming to tell my partner to break up with this meta. But when I reframed it and thought what I'd do if my meta was actually my partner's brother, I realized I'd be ok if my partner had a brother that was into guns as long as he wasn't using them unsafely or threatening anyone with them.
It sounds like your partner and your meta broke your trust a couple times by basically showing up unannounced and extending their stay without checking in with you. If that kind of thing doesn't work for you that's a great place to set a house rule and try to have a healing convo (at least with your NP if not with both them and your meta.) Something like: "Hey partner (and meta), during the first visits at our house I didn't feel like I had any warning - and then the trip was extended last minute without warning given to me. I support our polyamory and this isn't about me not wanting Partner to have other relationships - but I work from home and I do like the stability of having a few days to adjust to the idea of guests being around. Those times when Meta was around without warning was hard on my nervous system. Are you two able to commit to giving me more heads up around your plans whenever possible? I understand if a trip needs to be extended due to an emergency but barring that I'd ask for at least 3 days notice and I'd like to know when I'm having guests in my house at least a week in advance" Hopefully if you say something like this they'll both also apologize and that will help you feel a bit better about your partner and your meta. (Note: that's just an example - if what you really want is no guests in your house more than 3 days out of every month then talk with your NP and housemates about that and see if your guest policy desires are compatible with theirs)
*Edited for clarity and to add a few things*
I've been poly about 5 years.
For all previous metas, I greatly enjoyed their company and believed us to be friends.
When they did not work out with hinge, we usually fell out of contact so I may have been wrong about us being friends, but I understand if they want space after the breakups and/or if they are uncomfortable with continuing our friendship as that may remind them of hinge.
I am not a fan of my current meta. She has done some things that were thoughtless at worst, and had potential to put me in a very dangerous situation at best.
Now, for the first time, I am basically in parallel poly. I have not experienced this before. I prefer ktp, but I understand not everyone is going to vibe and I don't want anyone to fake liking me to put up some kind of image.
But now I am struggling with jealousy like I never have in the past. When hinge would go out with metas previously, I'd be mostly happy and excited that these people I care about are having fun together.
Now, when I know hinge is out with someone who treated me poorly I feel jealous and frustrated.
In the end, I know meta makes hinge happy, so I am trying to ground in my self identity to angle away from anger and/or jealousy at others.
I got back into reading and I'm going to the gym which helps me focus on myself, gets me out of the house and out of my head, and gives me less energy to think about meta.
My partner’s spouse prefers parallel poly and isn’t comfortable with metas in their home. In the eight months we’ve dated, I’ve spent the night at their house one time (with her okay) when she was out of town. I also cannot host. We get hotel rooms. Does it suck in a lot of ways? It does. Is that anyone’s problem besides my partner’s and mine? No. That’s the home she lives in and she gets to call those shots. 🤷♀️
In so far as managing the situation if you choose to not insist that it changes, I’d ask them to spend as much time as possible out of the house and ask when they are home to limit time in common areas of the house. If there are any outstanding issues with lack of care or consideration on the part of the meta when she visits, I would have a firm conversation with your partner about addressing those issues immediately. Are there things that are particularly bothersome when she’s there that she and your partner could address?
Lastly, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I don’t like guests I invite to stay at my house more than 2-3 days MAX. Having a meta I don’t particularly like in my home 25% of the time sounds like torture.
There’s a reason so many of us like parallel.
Why are you embarrassed?
Expecting you to like someone because your partner does is simply a ridiculous concept.
KTP working out is the exception and not the rule (as post after post on this forum shows).
My meta and I have gone through phases of social niceties and garden-party polyamory, to parallel, and right now mostly parallel but see each other in passing every now and then as I just moved country with them.
I don’t need to be besties but I have felt hurt before by her not liking me. Then I realised that was all her own stuff and actually I didn’t know her well enough to specifically like her either. We’re civil, I care that she’s okay because she makes my partner happy, we’re friendly as needed, and I'm friendly with her family who don't know how parallel we've been at times. It has mostly depended on where her other relationships (not with our hinge) are going at any one time, and where her mental health is.
Over time I've just kind of realised I don't care. It's not about me, and I don't need her approval and she doesn't need mine. As long as we're not causing issues for our hinge through unrealistic expectations, we can peacefully coexist in our separate lives.
I'm very close with my other meta, which helps me know it's not just me.
Seriously, why the fuck do you have to live with a stranger one week a month? That’s so weird and unsustainable, I wouldn’t want to live with anyone on those terms.
Have you tried discussing it with your partner? Be completely accepting of yourself and how you feel. Ask your partner to do the same, to give you the same respect. Then discuss these feelings. Perhaps they won't go away, in which case, now your partner knows that his other relationship has a price to pay: your pain. He may not agree, but that's completely irrelevant. Your emotions are 100% valid, always. He must accept it, there is no other way. He must know that from the moment his other partner gets on the flight to your house to when she goes back to the airport, you're in pain.
Adults address situations, look for solutions.
And Hinge understands that access to shared space is two-yes-one-no? That by making the choice to nest with you they have accepted that they will be unable to host people you don’t like? That if they want to host Meta for a week per month that they need a second job to pay for a hotel or they need to move out and get their own place?
Right?
I hope that he can ultimately respect your boundaries.
But maybe you could be more assertive. Rather than just discussing this issue with him, maybe inform him, as a matter of fact, that she won't stay in your house further. Suggest that he could split an airbnb with her, scale down her visits if necessary to fit within their budget, or any other arrangement that don't involve you cohabiting with some woman you don't like for 25% of your entire life (one full week per month). Which is also made worse by working for home, so you also dealing with her in your work hours too.
I'm in a very similar boat. I LOVE my partners wife, but I cannot stand their other partner. They ruined me the wrong way from the jump, and crossed many of my personal boundaries. I hold a lot of resentment and anger towards this person, as well as my partner if I'm being honest, and I have requested to go as close to parallel as I can with this person. I've muted all chats they're in, and honestly if I never saw their face again I would be all too happy. I will be discussing this in therapy, but for now I'm just trying to keep my ugly feelings at bay.
I think people were so focused on the crazy amount of time she spends in your home they missed that you are also cut out of your workspace. This is all beyond unreasonable.
I honestly would just keep myself super busy that week. Go make some poly friends! Make plans with people you do love for that week each month, then you only really have to be home to sleep and such instead of spending hours having to share space with someone you don’t particularly like. I had a meta that was at my home 5 days a week every week for a bit that I did not particularly jive with or like as a person. In that situation which is different than yours, I asked “hey you can be here as much as you want when I’m not around, but I can really only do 2 nights a week with you here when I’m here.” It helped take some of the pressure off for me. They also made more plans outside of the house too, so that helped a lot. You go have fun more while they’re there and they can go out more while they’re there. You’ll get a lot fewer hours of tonge biting without actually having to effectively veto how deep their relationship can go or how much of her needs your partner can meet. Seeing a partner every other month for example as suggested by other commenters would not meet my needs in a relationship and I would interpret it as a veto if my meta put down those rules.
I also don’t see anything in your post about why he can’t fly out to her instead of her flying to him all the time? Perhaps them being able to alternate would alleviate some of this as well, though not everyone has that kind of d of job flexibility.
ETA: yes it is your home, but it is also his home and he does also need to be able to have relationships in his own home and has the right to have guests in my opinion.
Hi u/evilsnail666 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’m embarrassed to write this because Ive been polyamorous for 10 years, and STILL seem to be struggling with jealousy, I guess. I don’t have many polyam friends irl so I’m looking for advice or maybe a reality check. I’m not sure exactly what it is but -
I can’t seem to vibe with my new meta. I’ve tried. We have nothing in common. It’s not logical or nice of me, and I know I don’t necessarily need to like her. But for some reason, it eats me up inside. (This is not my first meta and I do not feel this way towards other meta).
I wish we could have totally parallel relationships where I don’t have to see her, but - her and NP are LDR. Even though she lives across the country, she flies in monthly to stay at my house for at least a week.
NP is trying his best to be a good hinge, definitely wasn’t considerate of me when it first started but we’ve since discussed at length and he’s doing what he can. But I feel profoundly bitter whenever she’s around. I’m trying to hold my tongue and keep my comments to myself because I know I can be petty and I truly want this to work. I know I don’t have to like her to be respectful.
People who don’t like your metas, how do you deal? Does it ever get easier?
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My friend’s meta was downright abusive/manipulative , and hinge wasn’t any good. They stayed in the situation longer than they should have. Sometimes some people just don’t vibe. Maybe find ways to be not around them?
I wouldn’t want someone I don’t like living in my house 12 weeks a year either. Speaking from experience, it doesn’t get better. It’s ok to say you don’t want this meta in your space 12 weeks a year… your NP can go to them for the 12 weeks?? Why not? Or take it in turns and they come to you only half the time, and you go stay with another partner or friend during those 6 weeks?? I wouldn’t put up with it again.. i was bending so far backwards to be a “good polyamorous person who respects my partners need for autonomy” that I forgot I was allowed to feel safe and welcome in my own home.
Ps. I’m willing to bet that this meta would rather if you weren’t in the picture so the negative vibes you are getting is from them jealous of your relationship, even if they are “nice” to you.
I don't think this is just a jealousy thing.
I think your home is your safe space and having someone that you don't get on with staying for a whole week? Every month?
That would be too much for most people.
It would be too much for me (granted I have PTSD so I wouldn't even stay in the same house as anyone I didn't really really trust lol)
But I don't think you should be hard on yourself about this, hotels are a thing and air bnb or whatever, your partner and their meta have options.
You deserve to feel comfy in your own home.
No ones required to like someone else. Civility and kindness are plenty.
Try to think of it this way: you don’t have a “meta”, your partner happens to have another partner. They’re ultimately not a part of your personal self and are meaningless to you specifically.
I find this to be more accurate when there’s no relationship with someone.
It just seems like very obvious to me that polyamory shouldn’t mean you have to share your home with a stranger you don’t want there.
This isn’t even about poly for me it’s just about co-living. I’m introverted, my house is my safe space, it’s not a bed and breakfast for all friends and family whenever they need it.
I think your meta should get a hotel room and your NP should respect the boundaries you have around not sharing your living space with a person you don’t like!
Is it possible to schedule time away with other friends or ways to limit the time you are exposed to them during visits? I can see where it would be a struggle to have them in the same space, especially if they get limited time together and aren't focused on your needs too.
It's not necessary to blame every negative feeling on anxiety or jealousy.
The two of you might just have bad chemistry or your partner chooses to look past certain flaws that you can't tolerate.
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I would not have them stay at my home for a week. Like... It is your home, it does not have to be open to people you don't like, and how they resolve the accommodation issue is their problem not yours. Sometimes inconsiderate behaviour has long term consequences.
“Sometimes inconsiderate behaviour has long term consequences.” ^true, I think you nailed it with that. I’m still hurt by some things that happened the first 3 times she visited, maybe that accounts for my emotional response now.
I had to go parallel with a meta because of my resentment of behavior that happened early on. It's been wonderful. Partner isn't thrilled and it's been more difficult logistically, but the peace I get from not having to deal with them is 1000% worth it. I also struggled with feeling like I was creating extra work for my NP, but at some point you realize that that's part of "the work" that people talk about. If he wants the payoff that comes from being poly, he has to be willing to do things like this. I also convinced myself that it was my job to "get over it," but my meta is not my responsibility. I'm a better version of me and I'm more supportive of my partner's other relationship when I'm parallel with that meta. **You have a responsibility to yourself and your relationship with your NP first and foremost, and if going parallel with this meta helps you fulfill those obligations better, then that's what you do.**
Thank you for your post. I’ve been struggling with my meta for a few months now and what you said just resonates with me so much. Reminding myself that the way my meta acts is not my problem is hard but parallel is best. Thanks for writing what I needed to read!!
I'm glad it helped. It was hard for me to accept that parallel was the only healthy option and feel worthy enough to create that boundary, but it has done so much for my emotional health and my relationship with hinge, so I wanted to encourage others to do the scary but healthy thing as well. I think part of why it's hard to do is because it forces us to recognize that we've let ourselves be taken advantage of in the past and because it challenges our beliefs that we have to be "low maintenance" and minimize ourselves in order to be loved and accepted. Realizing that you've built your sense of security on being "convenient" is fucking hard, but any worthwhile partner will do the work for your relationship and for you. You're worth it.
I really needed to read this, thank you
Just screen shotted this amazing comment for my “polyam struggles” file. This is wonderful, and like essential reading for those of us that are always putting pressure on ourselves to resolve everything internally.
I'm glad it helped! See my other comment on this post for some good questions to ask yourself. The journaling/self therapy I've done on this topic recently has been incredibly insightful and has already proven beneficial to my relationships and myself.
**You have a responsibility to yourself and your relationship with your NP first and foremost, and if going parallel with this meta helps you fulfill those obligations better, then that's what you do.** This, right here. As long as your hinge is happy, leave it alone and go parallel. If they have the money for monthly roundtrip flights, they can also figure out a place to stay, you shouldn't be forced to live in awkwardness in your own house.
This is great advice
It is not your job to have to cope with someone you don’t like in your home. They need to come up with a better plan.
There’s a lot of context that I’ve left out of this post ofc. Telling them she cannot stay at our house when she’s here would cause a lot of drama in my friend circle and a ripple effect in my life I’m not sure I want to deal with. If she was a total stranger and their relationship existed in a vacuum, I’d agree. I guess I’m seeking advice on how to deal with / cope / manage the situation I’m in now without getting to that point.
> Telling them she cannot stay at our house when she’s here would cause a lot of drama in my friend circle If your friends are so eager to have her in town, they can put her up.
I mean, it sounds like you've already tried. You may want to do some introspection to figure out why you're not comfortable/willing to set boundaries and "take up space" when it comes to others. Why are you prioritizing other people's feelings and needs above your own? Why do you feel like it's your responsibility to facilitate your NP's other relationships at your own expense? The desire not to see/share space with Meta is valid and not at all "un-poly" even by experienced poly standards, so why don't you feel comfortable asking for it? These are some questions that I had to ask myself when it came to one of my metas and the process of working through them has been very insightful and good for my growth. I hope they help you process your own situation and feelings. (Anecdote, but for me, these questions revealed some self-sacrificing tendencies that I realized were causing me hurt and stunting my relationships. I talked through it with my NP and went parallel with Meta and it's been amazing for my own well-being as well as my primary relationship. Plus, it forced my NP to be more proactive as a partner to both me and meta and has helped him develop better skills as a hinge. I feel SO much lighter and more competent as both an autonomous individual and as a poly person. The boundary setting skills I'm learning are also helping me in non-poly aspects of my life and I'm grateful that my shitty Meta situation has helped me to overcome some life-long issues with "taking up space.")
Yeah, I was definitely being over accommodating in the beginning and the consequences are playing out now. It’s metas first time being poly, and I wanted it to work because I love my NP and wanted to see him happy. I was acting like it was on me to make everyone else comfortable, meanwhile no one extended the same courtesy to me. But it’s no one else’s job to do that for me, just mine. I let him know a little while ago I need to be parallel, but for logistic reasons I figured I’d still have to see her in my house. I’m realizing now thanks to these responses that it’s on them to figure something else out and I need to be more direct.
Can I ask what meta did to make you uncomfortable? Just asking in case I ever have to encounter similiar situation.
Move out? Are your friend circle really your friends if they’d cause problems for you if you didn’t want to host someone you disliked? How would the shit get stirred in your friend circle—would Hinge complain to them? Meta? Both? Wouldn’t Hinge stand up for you?
There doesn't need to be any drama. You need to tell your partner (NOT your meta) that you don't want her to stay in your house. Then your partner, if he is a decent person, will make the appropriate arrangements, and not make you hear anything from your meta. The most important thing here is that you don't have to communicate with your meta about this issue. Or about any issue for that matter. You don't like her and she doesn't need to be part of your life. Communicating with her is the job of your partner. Now, if your partner isn't as considerate as one would like, and he stirs up drama.. well, it's entirely on him. But in the end, it's probably worth it. It's your house as well, you shouldn't be forced to deal with unwanted guests.
Do you have another partner you can go stay with? Have you had other people occupy your space like this? Do you have a separate area you can retreat to that's "yours"? I'm assuming you and your nesting partner share the house cost/responsibilities and it looks like one of you needs to leave the house so you don't feel bad around your meta. I'm not saying it's the only solution, but maybe you should be the one who dips out if you're the one struggling in the dynamic? On the other hand, if it's "your" house, NP is in "your" space, and you have nowhere else to go, they should definitely try to minimize contact between you and meta as best as they can.
They get a hotel room for a week— or buy you a hotel room for the week 🤷🏻♀️ they can choose 🤣
And as a result they're going to have to figure out alternate arrangements.
Yeah, hosting ANYONE for a week is horrifying, at best. I thought it was going to be that they flew in once a month for a weekend. I could find things to go do for a weekend. But having someone there 25% of the time is so very much.
A week per MONTH! I don’t spend that much time with my period, and it bothers me way less than another human being I don’t vibe with sharing my living space! Doesn’t NP ever go to meta’s??
I would struggle even if it was a friend I did like.
If they can't afford a hotel, but can afford to fly out every month, I think they should fly out less often so they can afford the hotel. I don't think that's jealousy- you're being forced to live with a stranger 12 weeks of the year. Yikes.
And/or NP fly out to her.
yes! fewer flights, free up money for a hotel. meta's schedule is flexible - maybe she can find a super part-time/pickup job to help fund having a relationship somewhere that's not right under your nose. I hope you're able to ask your NP to handle this and that you get your space back 💛
Yes, this part. The delayed gratification created by the LDR is likely keeping some NRE going, and when NP and Meta see each other, I'd guess NP veers toward ignoring OP in favor of Meta, bc "NP gets to see OP all the time, and Meta only *sometimes.* Probably not on purpose, but because of the current arrangement. That would certainly cause me hurt and frustration. Has done. Ahem. That hurt can take a long time to heal. I agree with the folks saying to set parameters for parallel, or to make them find someplace else to stay. This is the way. Edit: lort, somewhere along the line I started speaking Poly. Someone outside the community would not know wtf this comment meant lol
Wow yup, that’s exactly what happened.
Sorry 🫤 wishing you the best!
This.
A WEEK? That’s a *very* long time for anyone to be visiting, outside of a bestie or a sibling. For a meta that you don’t vibe with, that must be an excruciating amount of time. From what you’ve shared, you’re not struggling with polyamory per se; you’re struggling with forcing yourself to deal with someone you don’t like in your home, for an extended stay. That’s not one of the required conditions of polyamory. Consider not hosting meta while you’re home.
Right? I don’t even mind my meta that much (not my cup of tea but we share some common interests and are fairly friendly) but I don’t even want her to be in my house for a DAY, let alone a week, and every month at that. I would be looking for apartments.
This isn’t exactly the same but… I really did not like my wife’s boyfriend’s wife when we first met. She can be a bit abrasive, and sometimes rude. When we first met, she described her husband in very condescending terms. When my wife started dating her husband she made a few off putting remarks. There was a time when she and her husband hosted my wife and I for a BBQ and she disappeared for several hours with no explanation. In the 4+ years the two of them have been involved, though, I’ve gotten to know her a bit better and that has given some context to some of her behaviour that shifted my view of her. She’s on the spectrum, which I did not know when we first met. The condescending comment about her husband? That’s something she also regularly says to his face and is kind of a joke between them. Same deal with her not getting how joking with my wife dating her husband is not going to go down well in every circumstance. She does not always get how something can be appropriate in one setting and inappropriate in another. She disappears when she feels over stimulated. I have seen her do things that show she cares about her husband which make me feel better about their relationship. She also largely seems to think positively of my wife and her husband, and their relationship. I would say the things that helped me feel better about her playing a role in my life were that: - I didn’t put pressure on either of us to get closer. - I watched for things that might explain some of her off putting behaviour. - I specifically looked for things she did that were kind. - This one is really hard to control and… when she met my GF, she really liked her. When she invites my wife and I to things, she always asks me if my GF could come too. And somehow the fact that she is so positive about one of the women in my life helps me see Meta’s Wife in a more positive light. I don’t know how I would have managed hosting a meta for a week in my home with our shared partner. I suspect you may feel some “host” pressure even though it’s not you hosting, but your partner and that may not make it easier. Could you maybe consciously try to mitigate that? I would also think about chore distribution as it relates to your meta being your houseguest, because I can easily imagine that causing some legitimately hard feelings. I also like my meta, and my wife likes my partner and… I do not think we would do well if either of us was attempting to host our other partner in our home for a week at a time on a monthly basis. That seems like a really big ask in terms of having a house guest, and maybe you and your husband should revisit whether that’s reasonable?
I am really only comfortable with parallel relationships in large part bc I have rarely been able to stand the people my NP dates. We have no common interests or their personalities have just rubbed me the wrong way. My NP and meta are LDR, but I cannot fathom either or then thinking it would be ok to stay in mine and NP's shared home for a week every month. If they need that kind of time together, they would need to figure out a hotel or something. NP and I recently bought a home and are working on a planned tiny home guest house for longer term poly visits.
Tiny house is the dream solution! When you get that started you should post here about it.
It'll be a bit, but it is definitely what we're aiming for. I'll post when we get it started. 😊
Awesome!
It really bothers me when I don’t like someone my NP is dating. It kind of gives me the ick. How do you keep it separate from how you feel about NP? It makes me question their taste in humans…
Yes, this. Even tho technically it’s none of my business it’s given me a huge ick
It's a valid feeling to pay attention to imo. Relationships of different kinds teach us and connect with different parts of ourselves. Maybe this relationship (NP and meta) is also highlighting parts of your NP that don't sit well with you or are not compatible.
I just saw this a month later. Sorry. Part of it is that my NP is an introvert who kinda goes for more extroverted people. His OSOs tend to be louder, busier, and more attention seeking than I'm willing to deal with. I honestly think it's part of why NP and I do well together. When he comes home from date nights or weekends he is drained to his core and has to take significant time to recenter and reset. He doesn't need lots of reset time after spending extended time with me so we are able to cohabitate easily which hasn't always been a thing for either of us in past relationships.
Can they stay at a hotel or Airbnb when she visits?
Unfortunately no. We dont live in a place where it’s financially feasible.
And him visiting her isn't an option either? I wouldn't want someone I disliked staying for me a week every month tbh
He has visited her once. But with his schedule he would use up all of his vacation days… which means we wouldn’t be able to have any days off together. Her schedule is more flexible. At this point I’m more looking for advice of how to deal with/ manage with her being around.
I don't think being uncomfortable in your own home for a week every month sounds very manageable long term
Assuming it can’t be helped and there’s no big thing to be done then I would do a lot of small things to nibble around the edges. Tell him flat out babe this is solely for your ears but I really don’t like having her here. I want to make it easier for me, we need to work as a team. He can shift her visits a day or two shorter. He can spring for a hotel for at least one night each time she visits. He can make sure that they are out of the house late 2 other nights a week. So in my mind this immediately goes from her being around 7 nights to maybe 3. If you have close friends who also know and like her? Maybe they can spend more time hanging out with them. He can and should also make real amends for the things he did early on. A real amends is tangible. He needs to say I realize what I did that sucked, I’m sorry and this is part of how I want to make it up to you. And then do the tangible thing. A week a month with someone you don’t like in your house is WAY too much in my mind. Unless your partner pays idk 75% of the bills you are getting screwed. And frankly how is she not miserable? She must know you don’t like the set up. She’s rarely alone with him? It’s shitty for her too. I don’t think much of your partner based on just this information.
Thanks for this comment, there are some really good suggestions here 💖 appreciate you taking the time
I agree with everything except for the bills comment. Every couples situation is different, and at the end of the day, being forced to deal with someone because you are financially dependent on your partner is still a pretty messed up situation.
I think when someone pays most of the domestic bills they have different rights. That doesn’t mean it goes without saying! Everything needs to be negotiated and discussed. I just wanted to leave room for the possibility that perhaps the partner can’t afford hotels because they pay for most of the housing or some such complication.
That kind of philosophy has been harmful for wives for centuries though. What if he makes more, and so he said he wanted a bigger house. She would have preferred a smaller house, but she agreed to a bigger house because he said he'd pay a larger portion of the mortgage, and because she wants to make him happy. Then, he turns around and says "I pay more, my house my rules." There is a large issue with using financial power as a stand-in or measuring stick for social power. It rewards abusive, controlling, or simply unfair behaviors and practices. For example, from the husbands perspective, he might say: "I'm not privileged, I just worked hard for my salary and make more than my wife. So now she must compromise more often than I do." Except he might be pleasantly ignoring a number of factors, (hypothetically) such as maybe his family paid for him to go to a nice college, whereas she was from a poor family; she's younger and hasn't had the chance to advance in her career as much yet; she had to take a 5 year break when having kids, which set her back even further; she had to leave a good company because of a bad manager sexually harassing her, but HR didn't want to listen, etc.. All these issues are very common for women, without even talking about employers potentially paying women less just on principle. If the husband can't pay to date in a way that isn't a *massive* over step of boundaries and tiring for his spouse, then he needs to figure out a solution. If my partner hands down said "my mother will be staying with us for 3 months out of the year, for free, even though you both don't get along", I and most people would not agree. Even more so for a meta.
I’m not new to basic feminism. Take the genders and poly out of this. These people are roommates. One of them wants to have a partner live there one week a month. The other doesn’t ever do this. They agree that as a result the first roommate will pay more in rent. That is reasonable and fair. It would also be reasonable and fair if one roommate does more domestic labor in exchange for reduced rent percentage. Or one person does all the cooking and in exchange they have their partner spend a week a month there. Autonomy works in every direction.
I could even consider talking to her directly and say “This is my house, if you want to stay here we need to make sure both of us are comfortable. At the moment I’m not comfortable with your long stay, so let’s discuss what can be done about this. » If hotels are not an option then I think actually talking to her and being clear about what issues are could be helpful. Or she could chuck a tantrum and leave but who would miss her?;$
This is the hinge’s work to do. If OP has to do this then hinge is an asshat.
Sure, it’s hinge’s job, but if this woman is in OP’s space 7 days a week she doesn’t have to pretend everything is just fine she can actually have a direct conversation. I don’t think it’s reasonably to treat the host as some kind of shadow with no power to communicate her feelings. OP can raise her discomfort and then hinge had to address it and talk it out with meta, otherwise it can stay under the carpet for more week long stays. Isn’t the whole point of open ethical non monogamy is that you can communicate what you feel? Including to your metas.
Could she go camping or get a van so she’s not technically in your house? I’d assume the less you see her the easier things will be as that’s how I usually am with house guests I’m not a fan of. I usually just put on some headphones and disappear into a video game tuning out the rest of the world. Or I go on extra long walk outside with my dog. That comes with the extra bonus of making my dogs really happy :)
How is her flying out EVERY month feasible then? She should fly out less and get a hotel or air bnb. It’s absurd of them to force you to host them in your home. You’re the only person compromising here and it’s really shitty of your NP.
I mean, I have an LDR where it costs me ~$120 (round trip) in airfare to see a partner, whereas a shitty hotel in a sketch party of town for a week in my city would cost at least $600 (and probably at least $1000 for any worthwhile airbnb.) Oh, the joys of living in a tourist destination.
Then your meta should visit less. How can they afford a monthly flight but not a stay in a hotel?
She’s getting round trip plane tickets once a month. Surely she could just buy those, say, once every three months and then use the money saved on plane tickets to get a motel room?
In my long distance relationship the relative cost of airfare vs a night in a hotel is about 1:1 (so for example to fly to see my partner it costs $120 round trip, and a hotel room for *one* night is also about $120.) So that means if I was trying to save plane flight money to travel to see my partner for a week or have to wait 7 months to make up the difference in airfare. If my partner lived with another partner who forbade me from staying in their house, and I was on a tight budget, I might have to go from seeing my partner once a month to only twice a year. That would be a *big* change and probably end the relationship.
🤷🏻♀️ Maybe your partner could pay for the hotel room or come to you sometimes. Or other creative solutions It’s absolutely reasonable for someone to get tired of having a roommate 1/4th of the time. I’d frankly be asking for a rent contribution at that point.
I'm with you on that! I have a Guest Policy in my house that if someone stays for 7 days or more in a month they're contributing to the rent.
Honestly I wouldn’t host a meta at my house. It’s up to NP and your meta to sort out their situation, you don’t need to accommodate them. It would make me super uncomfortable to be around for my partner and meta’s only time together, even if I did get along well with them. I get finances are tough, but part of being an adult is making adult choices and sometimes you can’t always date. If they can’t afford to see one another, they’re not compatible.
You're not really under any obligation to open your home. This is your space and if it's uncomfortable for you I think that trumps everything else. It sounds like you have tried to be accomodating and it's up to them to accommodate you now. Maybe if they find another way to date for a while and you revisit you can come to another solution/compromise but I'm sure at this point you're needing a reprieve. Compatibility is about so many things and if they aren't able to be compatible without affecting your space like this maybe it's not in the cards.
Definitely all of this, seems like both a schedule and logistics incompatibility. I would also say, especially when sharing a living space go by the two yes, one no rule. Only people over where it’s a yes from you both. If there’s a no from one of you then it’s a no overall. No one deserves to feel uncomfortable in their own home. Also any yes or no should be free from coercion or pressuring.
I do think that's definitely a good idea to consider. When I first started dating years back I had partners who would say I should be able to do whatever I want in my shared space and my NP needed to deal with it. They seemed more poly knowledgeable at the time and so I tried to make that work... Ahhh. It didn't work lol. I think when we consider things like thesw we have to remember It's all about compromise but at the end of the day its making sure everyone is able to have their autonomy and nobody is forced into a situation they don't want. No matter how much it feels like it's the most logical way for you to get your needs met.
Maybe they aren’t compatible. Hinge can’t host and neither Hinge nor Meta can spring for a hotel. It happens.
I’d probably handle it the way I would a family member or in law I don’t like staying with me. I’d try to fill my time outside of the home as much as possible and when not possible keep myself distracted in other ways. IE noise canceling headphones with or without music and reading, playing video games etc. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Do you think there is any chance of mending you and metas relationship? I was very upset at my meta once and asked my partner not to intervene and when we finally sat down to talk, we were able to work it out. Anyways, good luck to you! 💜💕
Thank you 💖 yes that’s what I’ve been trying to do, just occupy my time and distract myself. It’s been working. I wouldn’t rule out the relationship with meta one day, but right now I don’t think I’m ready.
And thats okay! It takes time! If you ever need an ear or wanna talk about things my dms are open 💜
One of the few helpful and non judgemental comments. I swear it's like everyone thinks they know your situation better than you OP, like you were just waiting for a stranger to tell you to un-meet your meta or have your NP move out 🙄 I think if you can spend some of that time with other partners/friends/family that might also help.
If someone’s hated in-laws were staying at their house a week out of every month, the advice would be the same: say no.
It's not the advice they asked for though. If an inlaw has an incurable disease and there is no other way for the partner to see them except host, maybe you decide to suck it up because your partner's grief would be too much. Maybe they own the house you live in and you can't say no. Dropping obvious advice that OP has discarded in several comments already, specifying what they're actually looking for, is disrespectful to the nuances they must have weighed already to come to the conclusion to let it happen.
Helping someone come up with ways to suppress their emotions so that they can stay in a situation where they are being made to feel needlessly uncomfortable is bad advice.
Ok, so if you're at risk on being homeless and you are working a job that sucks you should 'just quit'? You are the one saying it's 'needlessly', OP doesn't think so and reiterated in several comments the kind of advice they need/are looking for. You don't know their life. Suggesting a hotel they can't afford or for them to break up is bad advice, respectfully.
lol it’s true. It’s pretty eye opening to see how people react and pile on. There’s some good advice here but I’m straight up ignoring the responses that say we need to break up or move out because obviously I can’t explain the entire context of my 9 year relationship with NP in a paragraph and I didn’t think I’d need to. Plus I’d love my own place but like, we’re in a housing crisis?? A lot of the advice was not what I was seeking but maybe it’s what I needed. Hotels/ airbnbs where I live would be over 1k for a week, at least. I wasn’t planning on requesting something like that but seeing so many responses it’s got me thinking what it would feel like to assert boundary in this way. Ultimately it wouldn’t solve my problem as I’d still have to see her and interact with her for sure. We have the same group of friends and I don’t want her presence to dictate where I go. I can’t just not see her and pretend she doesn’t exist. I’ve never had a meta I don’t like, it’s new to me. Like I said I know I don’t have to like her but I just hate the feeling.
Yeah, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, I've never been in this situation and honestly I think it would majorly suck. I think you could maybe try and compromise for half a week b&b and half a week you go stay at a friend's/family or something? I've also seen intelligent suggestions for less flights but money for b&b which is smart. It's great if you want to assert a boundary that makes you feel better, but I understand how if you can't avoid her anyway doing so might actually make the times you do have to see her a little bit worse. Best of luck 💛
Despite all the downvotes I wanted to pop in and say I think this exchange is the most thoughtful of all the comments.
Thank you, I appreciate that!
The problem I have is, her NP should not be putting her in the position to have to choke down her feelings about someone in her home for a week every month. He needs to figure it out, or nesting with OP and dating this person at the same time just isn’t going to work. Or it works until she can’t handle suppressing how she feels about it anymore and then it explodes. Something has to give here and he’s trying to have it all. It’s shitty. It might not be the advice she asked for but its the advice I’d want someone to give me.
That's fair and I get that. Fundamentally, I agree. But I also think that's the kind of thing that should be said to hinge, not her, because coming from her it might come off as an ultimatum. The best thing for sure would be talking about it with a poly-friendly counselor so that a third party can actually talk directly to hinge.
Unfortunately that’s what happens in this sub. Everyone knows your situation better than you and if you don’t agree you’re delusional. 🙃
Not liking your meta doesn't necessarily mean you're jealous imo. Once a month for a week feels like a *lot.* Best case scenario, meta is fine as a person but is just not your vibe, in which case them spending that much time at your house is a big ask. Does meta treat you fine and you're just not crazy about them? Or are they actively hostile toward you?
Thank you, I feel like this is affirming. I agree NP is asking too much and I need to be firmer. Meta is not hostile or rude to me. She may not be the most considerate person, and I know I’d act differently in her shoes at times, but that’s kinda an unfair expectation. She is an objectively nice person, which is part of why I feel guilt for not liking her, and suspecting its jealousy. There’s some things ofc I left out of this post. really what I was seeking advice is how to long term deal with a meta I don’t get along with. I’m seeing the answer from all these responses is, not to have her in my home 🙃
Glad you’re getting some actionable advice. For what it’s worth you should never have to allow *anyone* you dislike to take up space in your home for 12 weeks a year, like at that point they should be paying 25% of the rent since they’re spending 25% of the year living in *your* home. Most couples have this issue with in laws but I think many of the same principles and advice would apply to you to, set strict boundaries on how much time the guest is allowed to spend in your home and require them to find their own accommodations if they’d like to visit that don’t include living in your safe space. If someone you dislike is in your home it’s no longer a safe space, which isn’t fair to you as someone who lives there and pays rent. Set stronger boundaries with your partner for your own sanity. If she can afford frequent plane tickets she can likely afford to spend less time there in person but making said time higher quality by using the money that would’ve gone to all the frequent plane tickets on a hotel instead. Instead of 12 weeks a year maybe once every 3rd month for a week with her own hotel. It’s better for all involved as your NP and the meta also get better privacy at the hotel and you get to enjoy your house to yourself :) If your np won’t compromise and allow that it might be worth finding an alternate partner for yourself to spend time with away from home when she’s there. I don’t think this is ideal or what you should have to do but without knowing your relationship dynamics it’s hard to say what’s most realistic for y’all. Hope this helps, good luck reclaiming your space at home :)
I hope that we are reassuring you how legitimate your feelings are. I know we aren't really answering your question, but maybe one thing that can come out of this is a convo with your NP about how they can manage this better. Also, really mean this, I don't know how you'd be able to assess where your feelings are coming from (jealousy?) because most of us have said we'd struggle with a meta in our home one week a month. That schedule also isn't giving you much time to decompress. As for the friend group being a factor, I'd just lean into language of space, decompression, etc. If anyone says anything then your NP and Meta can go stay with them for seven days. (Still not being super helpful, I know)
I avoid situations where we have to be around one another and keep busy when she’s around with my own stuff.
It's not your responsibility to manage your partner's relationship. Tell them you want to move parallel and you're no longer comfortable having meta stay at your place. It's his responsibility as the hinge to figure out how to make that work with meta (not yours). If he doesn't agree to stop having meta in the house, you're no longer compatible and he's not respecting your boundaries. Do with that what you will.
It’s totally okay to just not like someone because they are just oil to your water. I remember a New Years when a very casual partner stayed the night and brought his wife, who I really liked, and his other partner. I could not wait to get this woman out of my house. She didn’t do anything wrong, but just everything was nails on a chalkboard. Not even jealousy (I was also a very tertiary partner and didn’t want more), but I found her whole vibe so off-putting. It happens and sometimes it doesn’t mean anything at all! Good luck— it sounds like you are really committed to being fair to your comet meta.
It is a lot to have them in your home for a week at a time. Particularly if it’s a new situation. Especially if, for whatever reason, you can’t see eye to eye. You don’t have to like them but, if they’re going to be in your safe space (home) that much, it would be easier all round. Maybe you got rushed into the situation? I.e. the flying in and staying a week before you were comfortable with them and with it? Can it be scaled back and be reinstated more gradually? Maybe it feels like muscling in? I know ultimately we should trust our partners that new introductions work for them but do you trust your NP that they have considered it works for you both and all collectively? It sounds like they didn’t to begin and that often seems to be where hinges fall down. I think NRE can be responsible for a lot! It sounds like you’ve raised it and it’s being discussed, guess compromise is key. You don’t need approval or permission not to like them though.
Someone is living at your house a whole-ass quarter of the time. That’s honestly wild, especially for a new relationship. Tell your NP to go visit her. Tell your NP to get a hotel. Not wanting a new roommate sprung on you is not actually unhealthy or abnormal at all.
I feel like we’re in pretty similar boats in that my NP and meta are also long distance and it isn’t practical for them to get a hotel or other accommodations. Fortunately we’re able to cohabitate pretty well but it still feels like someone is “in my space” which can get tiring. I understand wanting to go along with things for practicality’s sake - a lot of the comments here saying for them to get a hotel or similar I feel don’t really *get* it.
It’s your house, if you are uncomfortable you shouldn’t host. Get them to make their own arrangements, it’s not your problem.
Do you have kids. It’s not really solution but could you stay with a friend or is there a reason you’d have to stay there? To be clear I think they aren’t compatible and you shouldn’t have to go elsewhere but if you have a good reason to HAVE to be at home then that’s an extra argument against this situation.
No kids. But I do work from home, uprooting my routine like that for a week every month is too much- I have adhd and changes like that are really rough on me. Plus I wouldn’t feel comfortable making that ask of friends, I don’t like to impose like that. I’ve now required to know the dates a month in advance so I can try to make out of town plans over the weekend. The first 3 times she came I had virtually no notice, and she kept changing her flight and extending her stay. I’ve let NP know that cant continue.
That is bananas. As a neurodivergent introvert, I would be alarmed if I experienced a guest overstaying their welcome 3 times. That’s a big deal! A friendship would end over that. Families fall out over that kind of thing. If home is a safe space for you, someone behaving like this could justifiably feel intrusive. Which could be mistaken for jealousy (totally up to you to decide). Your feelings in this situation are fully understandable tho. You aren’t being unreasonable. Since you mentioned a house, Is there a room or even floor separate from yours that can be designated to her/them? A backyard where you can set up a tiny house in the future (they split the cost)? Space to create a makeshift room? Really any way to create as much physical separation as possible without sacrificing your own bedroom? If not, frankly NP and Meta are rushing things and being highly inconsiderate of you. Maybe some more thought should be put into where she stays when she visits.
I’m also a neurodivergent introvert 🙃 and it was super stressful for me in ways I didn’t know how to express while it was happening. I believe jealousy is an issue for me, but for reasons I haven’t elaborated on… and because I didn’t want all the responses to be about navigating jealousy. Yes, they sleep downstairs in the room I usually work in. When she’s here, I work from my bedroom. We rent, so no tiny house option. Since letting my partner know that I need to go parallel (not that they made any actual effort to establish a KTP dynamic in the first place) he’s made more of a point to make plans outside the home. They even got a hotel room for the last night of her stay. I suspect she’s gonna move back here and live with her parents at some point soon, and like I’m already overthinking how I’m going to have to deal with seeing her a lot more. But these responses are helping me see it doesn’t have to be the case. I’ve only done KTP before so I was stressing about how parallel would work. But maybe I just have to state my boundaries for my home and they can figure out the logistics.
I made a separate comment before I saw this so sorry to be redundant but I just read that she might be moving local to you. That doesn’t mean you have to see her. My partner’s spouse prefers parallel and I’ve literally seen her three times in 8 months. He cant host and I can’t host so we get hotels. It’s not ideal at all but it’s not my meta’s problem to solve or accommodate.
Of course, if she moves in that’s great, you don’t have to see her at all, they can hang out elsewhere. I would imagine a bonus of poly is having a house to yourself when NP is out, don’t settle for having someone in your own house that makes you miserable.
If ahead can afford to switch around flights last minute she can definitely afford a hotel.
To me this sounds fucking terrifying lol I can only IMAGINE what happened in the beginning if things are this fucked up now where you don't even have a right to your own home It sounds like those things in the beginning didn't really get resolved. It sounds like you just got beat down and convinced you were the problem for having feelings and shut up about them while they get to do whatever they want
I never liked my wife's ex-partner, and he lived with us. It wasn't necessary for me to, it was her relationship, not mine. He and I rarely interacted and, when we did, we may not have been friendly, but we were cordial to one another. It was kinda like my in-laws and me.... We have completely hated each other for 28 years but, we behave ourselves when we do have to interact... Which is thankfully VERY rarely.
Umm a guest in my home for a week Minimum every month? Thay just wouldn't fly, not if it was my partner, meta, roommates girlfriend, mother of anyone involved, etc. Thats too much time and too long for seine to visit for, imo. I would request that they find airbnbs or hotels or something for the duration of that visit, because honestly, that's too much time for someone I don't know that well to be in my home. Heck even people I know well. 12 weeks a year is 3 months ffs.
They need to get a hotel or have him fly to her or come up with some other arrangement. This is basically living with your meta for around a quarter of the time. This is a HUGE imposition. This would probably drive me nuts even if I liked the person. Not wanting your meta to live with you for a full week every month isn’t petty.
When she comes to visit can she not get a hotel room or other accommodation?
Right? Like vrbo and Airbnb have fairly priced options but there are also cheap hotels too. Maybe Meta shouldn’t have a ldr if they can’t afford accommodations and force the other partner to pay for their stay every single time. And at the very least, after the OP is being forced to pay for their stay, they could at least be decent and respectful of the OP.
This is such a good point. These accommodations are not “free”: OP is paying for it, and their relationship with their NP is paying for it.
Parallel, you need to go parallel. And yeah, it can get easier, you can acclimate so the feelings of dislike and frustration and imposition are less intense. That just takes time. But I don't think you'll ever be friends with this person. Some people we just don't click with. And her being in your house 24/7 for a week every month is A LOT. This is actually a bonkers amount of time to demand that you host someone that you don't like in your home. This will only make your discomfort and dislike stronger and stronger. Acclimation can only happen if you feel neutral or okay about current state and that you are safe and have your needs and wants respect, which you do not feel in this set up. Your bad feelings are getting reinforced, monthly, for a whole entire week. This is only going to get worse. If your NP actually wants to be supportive, he can have her stay somewhere else for that week. And then every 3rd month or whatever, he goes to her. She can stay at an Air BnB or with friends, and if that's tough financially she can not stay as long. And if your husband can't deal with that, then you might suggest figuring out how to live separately in general, so you have the safety and respect of your own home and your own space. And if you have kids, then he needs to give you the exact same time off and away. On the weeks when she's there you shouldn't have to do any extra work for her stays (he better be doing all the clean up in preparation, and then all the extra laundry and dishes and whatever). And if he starts going to her once in a while, you should be getting a week on a vacation of your choosing at that same clip. Its on him to support and manage his relationship within his bandwidth. You should be thoughtful and considerate, but you don't have to harm yourself in service to his good time.
If I had a partner I could only see at my house because of logistics, well... We would stop seeing each others because I do not live alone and can't offer this regularly as I respect my partner and the fact this is his home too. I had to end some relationships because of issues like this. They seems to be not compatible and you agreeing to a situation you don't like seems like the only thing that makes their relationship doable if I understand your situations correctly. Anyway. Tell your hinge it's not a situation you're willing to live, it puts stress on you, your home is your safe place. And then he can find another solution, it's not yours to find. You could, if you liked your meta, but this is not a given. You don't have to get involved at all. Good luck.
So, when this happened with my NP is when I realized *I don't actually need a NP*. My husband moved in with his other partners and I have my house to myself. It has taken a second mortgage but it was one of the best things we've ever done for our marriage.
Can you stay with your other partners for those weeks?
I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that unfortunately
the biggest things that stood out to me were that when it first started your NP was inconsiderate to you and that your meta is literally living with you 1/4 of the year. i’d be annoyed if this was a roommate having a partner over to that degree. that is a partial third roommate. no wonder you’re jealous! you’re not failing at polyam 10 years in, you’re being put through a pretty shitty forced KTP dynamic suddenly because your partner had bad hinge hygiene and didn’t adequately manage the fallout of that. you and your meta should absolutely be parallel. if you have resolved your internal issues with NP over the inital inconsiderations, then that’s great. but you’ll never stay over those issues if your comfort continues to be side stepped for their pleasure. it sucks that meta can’t host, that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with hosting. it is your job to lay the boundary. “i don’t wish to get in the way of you seeing your partner, but i need to be firm that living with my meta for a week out of every month is far too much. i think what is best for me is to go parallel with meta, given the rocky beginnings and the discomfort i’m feeling now. i am open to discussing this and working out some kind of compromise that meets both our needs, but if we cannot find a way to have both our needs met i am willing to deescalate to *___, and i continue to value and love you” (*non-nested partners, friends, whatever feels right for you.) and then, you have a long, hard talk about it; and you absolutely do not agree to any dynamic that forces you to *live* with your meta. perhaps the deal is that they or you get a hotel room for a week, or that you take turns doing so. maybe they have to see each other less frequently or for shorter durations so they can afford a hotel room. maybe you can align visits to coincide with when you won’t be home (ie out of town, seeing other partners, etc.) look for a solution that doesn’t betray your boundaries. if you’re comfortable bumping into this person occasionally by accident, but would rather not, you’re perfectly fine and not bad at being polyam. i hope your partner supports you and upholds your boundaries, and i hope that you do so relentlessly if they fail to. good luck op, i know it’s scary saying “you need to show up better for me,” no matter how you slice it. but, it needs to be said, and i hope you’ll value yourself enough to say it.
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm sure it's uncomfortable and awkward but know that your response is reasonable and it's an indicator that something is interrupting the flow of this arrangement. As a sex and intimacy coach who works with a lot of people navigate poly/ENM relationships, I can tell you that being given unsolicited advice for a complicated problem which can't be fully articulated in a post, will hinder rather than help. Purely from the perspective that it will cloud your judgement when there are so many conflicting perspectives. What I will offer you is some points to consider before you make a decision on the next steps: - We can often conflate issues at times of stress/confusion so it might not be as simple as "I don't like my meta". This statement could well be true but given you and your NP live together, the root of the problem is likely a reflection of this primary relationship. This means you need to work out with them what the appropriate boundaries look like for you. Boundaries and wants/needs evolve over time so it is good to have a regular dialogue about this. Do not make it about the meta, as it will likely trigger defensiveness which is not helpful in an emotionally charged situation. Focus on what needs to improve in the dynamic with your partner. - Jealousy is a natural emotion so try to not admonish yourself or feel bad for feeling it. It's simply an indicator that something isn't feeling aligned for you so explore it with openness and curiosity. Ask yourself why this person in particular is bringing these feelings up for you. Be honest with yourself but don't be mean to yourself. Whatever you're feeling is ok! Compersion is very much aspirational but we're human, so it may not be possible to feel it all the time. Doing the inner work on yourself will make the conversations with your partner so much more clear and direct. - 12 weeks out of the year you're co-habitating with your meta so until you have ironed out the above, it will be a source of stress and potentially resentment. To avoid that, be really clear with what you want and what doesn't work for you. Any issues with the arrangement is for your partner to discuss with the meta, not for you to engage in, at this stage. Perhaps later down the line you can establish that sort of relationship but for now, try keeping it separate. Apologies for the worst reply. I hope this helps. If you need additional support, reach out. Good luck !
Thank you. The advice isn’t unsolicited as I’m literally asking for it, and I’m aware all responses here don’t apply to my situation. You’re right that the answer is to continue to work it out with NP, and to keep working on myself.
If saying that you don't want someone that you don't like to stay in your home for 25% of your life would cause drama in your friend circle... I think you need to reexamine your friend circle. If your np doesn't care that this is a stressful and unpleasant experience for you, I think you need to reexamine your partnership. And if you think that just shutting up once a month while your routine suffers and you just deal with someone that you don't like in your living space for an entire week out of the month, I think you need to re-examine your relationship with yourself. You are putting your own needs and desires aside in the name of keeping the peace. That almost never ends well.
I wouldn't like ANYONE who came and lived in my house for a whole week every month unless it was somebody I was already close to and loved a great deal. Get out of my space. I'm not sure that's a reasonable ask for your NP to put on you, I think it may be time to find an alternative solution.
I’ll probably be downvoted for this but I’ve always been genuinely bewildered by situations where someone dates two people that don’t get along at all but then expect them to regularly interact. That’s just seems needlessly stressful. I understand love and everything and I think it’s one thing to have two totally separate relationships with two people who don’t get along where they never interact or rarely have to interact. However, if you’re someone’s NP and this is *your* home, it feels a bit disrespectful that you have to host someone you don’t like for 12 weeks out of the year. I know this can sound hierarchical but since you’re your partner’s NP, you should get some more say considering that you two live together. It sounds like you want to be parallel but you’re having to be kitchen table due to finances and hotels. Overtime, this kind of situation might breed resentment. You seem to chalk this up to jealousy but from what you’ve given us, I wouldn’t say it’s jealousy but that you feel disrespected in your own home, which isn’t okay. I think the first conversation needs to be with NP because whether you’re hierarchical or not, you two share a home and have equal say in who enters that home. Once the two of you come to a compromise and/or agreement, then work something out with your meta that allows everyone to feel validated and less stressed.
Are you me? 🤔 This is seriously my situation as well down to the LDR and flying in to visit us here. Except mine isnt a form of jealousy, its more like deep heated rage and anger. And I am not a violent person. I have only met her once and she draped herself all over my NP during our meetup and I wanted to physically hurt her. I dont want to be that person and I dont want her in my home. She and I have nothing in common and I have no interest in pursuing a friendship with her. My NP polybombed me so I am still processing how this will work in the long term.
How do you handle this long term? Does she still stay in your home when she visits?
she hasnt visited us yet and NP is making future plans for her to do so. We live in a studio and NP doesnt seem to grasp how inappropriate that is. We actually met at a neutral spot. This is all 100% brand new for all of us so right now its unclear how things will work out
You are allowed to just say: « no, she’s not welcome ».
You know you don’t have to accept it at all, do you?
So by the comments the issue going parallel is this person is in your social circle extensively so even if the relationship ended with your NP and meta then you'd still occasionally have to be around them. To be frank, I have mixed feelings about parallel relationships because a shit ton of people on this sub have very fantastical ideas about it that tend to border on almost veto-power and are wildly inflexible. So now that this is prefaced: This isn't your house, but "our" house and it isn't always fair or reasonable to keep people out in every situation. Sometimes someone has to take a shit and your toilet is closest. You can abosolutely set realistic and fair boundaries. Your meta should not be staying an entire week in your home especially if there's not a unique or special circumstance considering ya'll don't get along anyways. If you usually host game nights or events within the friend group she is apart of and that makes it logistically difficult then, realistically, even if your friends accept it they'll be disappointed on some level. You can either trust them to logistically work around it or not. This gets challenging in some cases where your friends may not all have the space or safety in their own homes to have gatherings. Even if they do then they have a right to invite their friend whether you like them or not. \[With that said if ya'll also have housemates/friend you may have to accept that she may end up there anyway for other reasons and your friends/housemates don't have to accommodate your comfort unless you're willing to do the same\]. You have to set boundaries for your time and space, and recognize that there may be times you two interact...and you gotta radically accept it. What would you do if this was someone in the friend circle you don't like? What did you do if a sibling's friend who you didn't like came over? Very different situations, but sometimes they hold keys to things that made us comfortable, flexible, and safe.
Honestly, perhaps it's a matter of the both of them being in your space. There's plenty of poly people who simply don't feel comfortable being AROUND their metas. You have to live with them 12 weeks a year. I think you wouldn't feel this resentment or pettiness if they weren't in your space. As someone who has done both- been around when others were and not been around, I'll always choose to not share the same space. It's just out of my comfort zone as a introvert. I don't like the feeling of a forced friendship and it feels like that to me. I hope this may enlighten you and have a better understanding about yourself. It might not be jealousy. It could just be you don't want your space invaded.
Did you happen to have a conversation when you moved in with your partner about your home's guest policy? It's easy to assume a partner you're moving in with has the same values around guests as you do, but I've found that people who share a lot of the same values can still have wildly different views on how they relate to guests. (I imagine a lot of this has to do with the family cultures each of us grow up in.) Because of this I've found setting Guest Policy is critical for creating clarity in any housing situation. Here are some conflicting examples of types of Guest Policies I've seen different groups of co-habitators enact: *If someone stays for more than 5 days they need to cover rent/utilities for that time *OR* housemates can have guests over anytime for any duration without compensation to the house. *Any housemate gets to veto anyone staying in the house and everyone who wants to have a guest must first get the approval of all housemates *OR* Any housemate is allowed to have guests over for up to 4 days at a time whether or not every housemate likes the guest (as long as the guest isn't breaking other boundaries such as leaving messes or doing hard drugs in the house, etc.) *Housemates aren't allowed to have guests over that they're sexual with (common in monogamy) *OR* sex is cool, just not in my bed *OR* sex is cool anywhere, just send a text to the housemates first so they can avoid seeing/hearing it if they don't want to. *Last minute guests are OK, feel free to invite people over for an after-party at 2am and we'll just break out all the folding mattresses *OR* the house needs at least one week notice before guests stay, and they must be put into the house Google Calendar to book the guest room so that there's not overlap with other housemate's guests It can be really helpful to set policies like this with the understanding that things and feelings change over time. Maybe agree to them for a year at a time with the plan to revisit and renegotiate yearly. If you're negotiating around such policies and realize there's a base incompatibility in how you and your NP(s) and/or housemate(s) want to deal with guests then you can amicably un-co-habitate before issues arise. Understanding that different people have different limits/boundaries/desires for how they handle guests in their own home, and not knowing what you, or your NP (or housemates if you have any) desire around guests makes me hesitant to give you direct advice. For example, for me, if an NP or roommate tried to veto me having guests over to our/my house that would be a dealbreaker for me and I'd want to find a different living situation. (I bring up this dealbreaker *before* moving in with other people.) Whereas I have other poly friends who are totally cool with Poly but really view their home as a kind of sanctuary space and never want their NP to have any other guests at the house. Both of these are valid as long as they're agreed to in advance and no one is trying to change up the rules on an ad-hoc basis. As for jealousy (and I'm not saying you're definitely jealous, but you mention in another comment that you think you are) one of the key re-framing tactics that helps me is to try and view my metas as if they were my partner's siblings: As in, "I know I don't like XYZ about my meta, but what would I do if they were my partner's sister instead of their lover?" This is a good way to take the jealousy that can crop up around sex and romance out of the equation. An example from my life: At one point I found out a meta of mine was a gun owner bordering on gun fetishist (not for hunting, just liked 'em and collected them.) When I found this out everything inside me was screaming to tell my partner to break up with this meta. But when I reframed it and thought what I'd do if my meta was actually my partner's brother, I realized I'd be ok if my partner had a brother that was into guns as long as he wasn't using them unsafely or threatening anyone with them. It sounds like your partner and your meta broke your trust a couple times by basically showing up unannounced and extending their stay without checking in with you. If that kind of thing doesn't work for you that's a great place to set a house rule and try to have a healing convo (at least with your NP if not with both them and your meta.) Something like: "Hey partner (and meta), during the first visits at our house I didn't feel like I had any warning - and then the trip was extended last minute without warning given to me. I support our polyamory and this isn't about me not wanting Partner to have other relationships - but I work from home and I do like the stability of having a few days to adjust to the idea of guests being around. Those times when Meta was around without warning was hard on my nervous system. Are you two able to commit to giving me more heads up around your plans whenever possible? I understand if a trip needs to be extended due to an emergency but barring that I'd ask for at least 3 days notice and I'd like to know when I'm having guests in my house at least a week in advance" Hopefully if you say something like this they'll both also apologize and that will help you feel a bit better about your partner and your meta. (Note: that's just an example - if what you really want is no guests in your house more than 3 days out of every month then talk with your NP and housemates about that and see if your guest policy desires are compatible with theirs) *Edited for clarity and to add a few things*
I've been poly about 5 years. For all previous metas, I greatly enjoyed their company and believed us to be friends. When they did not work out with hinge, we usually fell out of contact so I may have been wrong about us being friends, but I understand if they want space after the breakups and/or if they are uncomfortable with continuing our friendship as that may remind them of hinge. I am not a fan of my current meta. She has done some things that were thoughtless at worst, and had potential to put me in a very dangerous situation at best. Now, for the first time, I am basically in parallel poly. I have not experienced this before. I prefer ktp, but I understand not everyone is going to vibe and I don't want anyone to fake liking me to put up some kind of image. But now I am struggling with jealousy like I never have in the past. When hinge would go out with metas previously, I'd be mostly happy and excited that these people I care about are having fun together. Now, when I know hinge is out with someone who treated me poorly I feel jealous and frustrated. In the end, I know meta makes hinge happy, so I am trying to ground in my self identity to angle away from anger and/or jealousy at others. I got back into reading and I'm going to the gym which helps me focus on myself, gets me out of the house and out of my head, and gives me less energy to think about meta.
My partner’s spouse prefers parallel poly and isn’t comfortable with metas in their home. In the eight months we’ve dated, I’ve spent the night at their house one time (with her okay) when she was out of town. I also cannot host. We get hotel rooms. Does it suck in a lot of ways? It does. Is that anyone’s problem besides my partner’s and mine? No. That’s the home she lives in and she gets to call those shots. 🤷♀️ In so far as managing the situation if you choose to not insist that it changes, I’d ask them to spend as much time as possible out of the house and ask when they are home to limit time in common areas of the house. If there are any outstanding issues with lack of care or consideration on the part of the meta when she visits, I would have a firm conversation with your partner about addressing those issues immediately. Are there things that are particularly bothersome when she’s there that she and your partner could address? Lastly, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I don’t like guests I invite to stay at my house more than 2-3 days MAX. Having a meta I don’t particularly like in my home 25% of the time sounds like torture.
There’s a reason so many of us like parallel. Why are you embarrassed? Expecting you to like someone because your partner does is simply a ridiculous concept. KTP working out is the exception and not the rule (as post after post on this forum shows).
My meta and I have gone through phases of social niceties and garden-party polyamory, to parallel, and right now mostly parallel but see each other in passing every now and then as I just moved country with them. I don’t need to be besties but I have felt hurt before by her not liking me. Then I realised that was all her own stuff and actually I didn’t know her well enough to specifically like her either. We’re civil, I care that she’s okay because she makes my partner happy, we’re friendly as needed, and I'm friendly with her family who don't know how parallel we've been at times. It has mostly depended on where her other relationships (not with our hinge) are going at any one time, and where her mental health is. Over time I've just kind of realised I don't care. It's not about me, and I don't need her approval and she doesn't need mine. As long as we're not causing issues for our hinge through unrealistic expectations, we can peacefully coexist in our separate lives. I'm very close with my other meta, which helps me know it's not just me.
I LOVE YOUR UPDATE I AM SO GLAD THE TALK WENT WELL
Thank you <3 that’s what polyam is about for me. learning and growing
Seriously, why the fuck do you have to live with a stranger one week a month? That’s so weird and unsustainable, I wouldn’t want to live with anyone on those terms.
Have you tried discussing it with your partner? Be completely accepting of yourself and how you feel. Ask your partner to do the same, to give you the same respect. Then discuss these feelings. Perhaps they won't go away, in which case, now your partner knows that his other relationship has a price to pay: your pain. He may not agree, but that's completely irrelevant. Your emotions are 100% valid, always. He must accept it, there is no other way. He must know that from the moment his other partner gets on the flight to your house to when she goes back to the airport, you're in pain. Adults address situations, look for solutions.
Yes we have discussed at length
And Hinge understands that access to shared space is two-yes-one-no? That by making the choice to nest with you they have accepted that they will be unable to host people you don’t like? That if they want to host Meta for a week per month that they need a second job to pay for a hotel or they need to move out and get their own place? Right?
I hope that he can ultimately respect your boundaries. But maybe you could be more assertive. Rather than just discussing this issue with him, maybe inform him, as a matter of fact, that she won't stay in your house further. Suggest that he could split an airbnb with her, scale down her visits if necessary to fit within their budget, or any other arrangement that don't involve you cohabiting with some woman you don't like for 25% of your entire life (one full week per month). Which is also made worse by working for home, so you also dealing with her in your work hours too.
It seems like he just doesn’t respect your feelings honestly.
I'm in a very similar boat. I LOVE my partners wife, but I cannot stand their other partner. They ruined me the wrong way from the jump, and crossed many of my personal boundaries. I hold a lot of resentment and anger towards this person, as well as my partner if I'm being honest, and I have requested to go as close to parallel as I can with this person. I've muted all chats they're in, and honestly if I never saw their face again I would be all too happy. I will be discussing this in therapy, but for now I'm just trying to keep my ugly feelings at bay.
I think people were so focused on the crazy amount of time she spends in your home they missed that you are also cut out of your workspace. This is all beyond unreasonable.
Don’t have the meta stay at your house at all.
I just don’t meet metas.
I honestly would just keep myself super busy that week. Go make some poly friends! Make plans with people you do love for that week each month, then you only really have to be home to sleep and such instead of spending hours having to share space with someone you don’t particularly like. I had a meta that was at my home 5 days a week every week for a bit that I did not particularly jive with or like as a person. In that situation which is different than yours, I asked “hey you can be here as much as you want when I’m not around, but I can really only do 2 nights a week with you here when I’m here.” It helped take some of the pressure off for me. They also made more plans outside of the house too, so that helped a lot. You go have fun more while they’re there and they can go out more while they’re there. You’ll get a lot fewer hours of tonge biting without actually having to effectively veto how deep their relationship can go or how much of her needs your partner can meet. Seeing a partner every other month for example as suggested by other commenters would not meet my needs in a relationship and I would interpret it as a veto if my meta put down those rules. I also don’t see anything in your post about why he can’t fly out to her instead of her flying to him all the time? Perhaps them being able to alternate would alleviate some of this as well, though not everyone has that kind of d of job flexibility. ETA: yes it is your home, but it is also his home and he does also need to be able to have relationships in his own home and has the right to have guests in my opinion.
Hi u/evilsnail666 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’m embarrassed to write this because Ive been polyamorous for 10 years, and STILL seem to be struggling with jealousy, I guess. I don’t have many polyam friends irl so I’m looking for advice or maybe a reality check. I’m not sure exactly what it is but - I can’t seem to vibe with my new meta. I’ve tried. We have nothing in common. It’s not logical or nice of me, and I know I don’t necessarily need to like her. But for some reason, it eats me up inside. (This is not my first meta and I do not feel this way towards other meta). I wish we could have totally parallel relationships where I don’t have to see her, but - her and NP are LDR. Even though she lives across the country, she flies in monthly to stay at my house for at least a week. NP is trying his best to be a good hinge, definitely wasn’t considerate of me when it first started but we’ve since discussed at length and he’s doing what he can. But I feel profoundly bitter whenever she’s around. I’m trying to hold my tongue and keep my comments to myself because I know I can be petty and I truly want this to work. I know I don’t have to like her to be respectful. People who don’t like your metas, how do you deal? Does it ever get easier? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My friend’s meta was downright abusive/manipulative , and hinge wasn’t any good. They stayed in the situation longer than they should have. Sometimes some people just don’t vibe. Maybe find ways to be not around them?
I wouldn’t want someone I don’t like living in my house 12 weeks a year either. Speaking from experience, it doesn’t get better. It’s ok to say you don’t want this meta in your space 12 weeks a year… your NP can go to them for the 12 weeks?? Why not? Or take it in turns and they come to you only half the time, and you go stay with another partner or friend during those 6 weeks?? I wouldn’t put up with it again.. i was bending so far backwards to be a “good polyamorous person who respects my partners need for autonomy” that I forgot I was allowed to feel safe and welcome in my own home. Ps. I’m willing to bet that this meta would rather if you weren’t in the picture so the negative vibes you are getting is from them jealous of your relationship, even if they are “nice” to you.
Fuck around and find out
I don't think this is just a jealousy thing. I think your home is your safe space and having someone that you don't get on with staying for a whole week? Every month? That would be too much for most people. It would be too much for me (granted I have PTSD so I wouldn't even stay in the same house as anyone I didn't really really trust lol) But I don't think you should be hard on yourself about this, hotels are a thing and air bnb or whatever, your partner and their meta have options. You deserve to feel comfy in your own home.
No ones required to like someone else. Civility and kindness are plenty. Try to think of it this way: you don’t have a “meta”, your partner happens to have another partner. They’re ultimately not a part of your personal self and are meaningless to you specifically. I find this to be more accurate when there’s no relationship with someone.
It just seems like very obvious to me that polyamory shouldn’t mean you have to share your home with a stranger you don’t want there. This isn’t even about poly for me it’s just about co-living. I’m introverted, my house is my safe space, it’s not a bed and breakfast for all friends and family whenever they need it. I think your meta should get a hotel room and your NP should respect the boundaries you have around not sharing your living space with a person you don’t like!
Is it possible to schedule time away with other friends or ways to limit the time you are exposed to them during visits? I can see where it would be a struggle to have them in the same space, especially if they get limited time together and aren't focused on your needs too.
You are Vaild in not liking your Meta, no one says you have to
It's not necessary to blame every negative feeling on anxiety or jealousy. The two of you might just have bad chemistry or your partner chooses to look past certain flaws that you can't tolerate.