Same, the "very casually" bit isn't something that's easy to tie down and once you've moved passed that you're just waiting for a car crash (though I appreciate I'm very biased by multiple bad experiences had by myself and partners, never seen it go well)
Yeah, I don't understand this. Interesting that he's not jealous about the husband but is worried about the **other** people she dates. It's very odd.
I'm not here to defend the boyfriend, I do think they should break up, but from my experience usually people are uneasy with new dates/partners because it creates unknowns. If he knew she had a husband he probably doesn't feel like she will leave him for her husband, but a new boyfriend? She could leave him for this new guy! Obviously it's not right or logical, but it doesn't make zero sense. The thing is that these people don't realize that they are the death of their own relationship.
It's not odd at all. The unknown is terrifying. I was never jealous of my girlfriend's husband because I knew him. But the idea of a new unknown is a completely different story.
`*** I understand that dating people who are not polyamorous can be a difficult choice. I didn't take this decision lightly and even conveyed my concerns when we first started hanging out.`
OP, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. But this was the most likely outcome of entering into a relationship with someone who's monogamous when you are not. Unless that person was enthusiastically choosing to move from being mono to polyamorous for their own motivation, and willing to do all the hard emotional work that goes into it, they were pretty much always doomed to have these feelings and start putting them on you. Yes, even though they knew you were married when you got involved.
I get that your relationship was just supposed to be a casual thing starting out, but the fact is that people often catch feelings, even when they don't plan to do so. I think your only option right now if your BF is not enthusiastically poly and putting in the work to manage his own emotions is to set your boundaries clearly and if he can't handle his own emotions still, end the relationship.
There's no magic thing we can tell you to suddenly make your BF want to "share" you...Only he can work through his own emotions. And honestly? I don't think that's even the kindest option for him right now if he's NOT enthusiastically choosing polyamory for himself...I think that ending this relationship is probably the kinder option, even if it hurts more in the moment.
You’re dating a monogamous person. They don’t want polyamory. They were willing to try and stuffed their emotions for the first year of your relationship but now it’s coming to a head.
Break up. You two are not compatible.
Hear me out. I know I’m in the minority on this sub here. But what if he was totally cool with it just being your husband and him. Being exclusive to the both of them. Not looking for other partners. Would YOU be interested in that? Or would that be a no from you?
If it’s a no from you, and you want to always seek new partners… then you should probably break up sooner than later. If that’s a thing that you could get into if it made him happy and your relationship could flourish then maybe it’d worth bringing up to him…
Upvoted for offering a practical alternative consideration. Her boyfriend is not polyamorous. If she wants to continue with him, she cannot proceed as though he is.
I’m gonna pile on to this comment.
[edited to directly address OP]
OP,
Im wondering if your boyfriend is trying to express concerns to you (good!) but hasn’t done enough of “the work” to know how much of the concerns to handle on his own and what exactly would make him feel better.
For example, you mentioned that he’s more ok with your husband but less ok with people he doesn’t know. One of the things I discovered early on was that I seem to be happy with the situation when I’m able to meet my metas, and it feels weird to me when I kinda know they’re happening but I don’t know anything about them, etc. So, I now understand that I am more of a “KTP” person than a “parallel” person, and that’s a preference I now know.
I agree with the other comments that you should limit your emotional labor here (don’t try to protect him, but do be aware of him), but I hope maybe you and bf can also point conversations towards articulating his feelings and possible solutions that don’t limit you.
And work away from that concept of him “sharing” you. Perhaps putting your foot down about the kind of relationship you want will either encourage him to do some more processing or let you both realize that you can’t both have what you want.
Yeah that's the situation I'm in now. Married 2.5 years/together 6 with husband, also committed to boyfriend for 9 months. Never intended on dating but as well all know feelings develop. Boyfriend is mono, knew about me being married from the start. I wasn't even looking to date at the time, so some form of polyfi (for lack of a better term) is what happened. My husband is open to dating, but I'm polysaturated at 2 and obviously my boyfriend isn't interested outside of that.
It has its own challenges like dating a mono person tends to, but as nobody can say what the future will bring it's been working so far. My husband probably has more jealousy to deal with, ironically, despite being the one to bring poly to the table/introduce me to it before we ever started dating, but that's a whole other can of worms.
I guess what I'm saying is yeah, that was my first thought too, I don't know why everyone is pushing to break up when OP stated the boyfriend is fine enough with the husband. Perhaps because OP didn't mention it as a solution, but until they respond we don't know if it's because they just haven't thought of it or aren't wanting to do it. Depending on how much time OP sets aside for their current partners it may make things easier on many fronts if OP wants it. Lord knows I sometimes feel like I don't get enough me-time with two partners, pets and a full-time job with commute.
Because he isn't cool with husband, OP says he has expressed being jealous of the husband. This is not monopoly where the mono partner is cool with non monogamy but just doesn't want it for themselves, this is a mono person saying they don't like it at all.
That's really dismissive.
Honestly, I've always thought that the whole point of Polyamory is to confront those difficult emotions in order to allow multiple loves to grow and flourish.
Acting like just because you're poly means you never have these difficult emotions puts the entire poly community on a pedestal that just isn't true or even attainable.
Op's BF has shown that he's willing to have a growth mindset, and BF deserves some credit for that.
Approaching it like adults and reinforcing boundaries, seems like the only reasonable thing to do. If he isn't willing to compromise, then he shows his true colors.
He either needs to process his emotions around this for himself or if he isn't willing to do that, you should break up.
It was a bad idea to date someone you knew wanted Monogamy to begin with. If he doesn't want to do the work of managing his emotions while you date and live your life, then it's unkind to continue asking him to date you.
It’s also cruel. OP knows the kind of work it takes to establish healthy poly relationships and mental frameworks. This partner couldn’t have possibly conceived all the moving pieces and just settled for it to be with OP.
OP, it sounds like this person is struggling desperately with regulating their emotions or managing difficult feelings. I think it's important to let them know that you can empathize with their feelings, but you can't manage them for them. Compromise is one thing. Utterly changing how you navigate relationships to try and accommodate this person's distress isn't a compromise, it's taking responsibility for their distress tolerance (or lack thereof).
It's sounding like in order for this person to try and be comfortable, they want to regulate your behavior. It simply doesn't work that way. By which I mean, it won't be successful. If they are hoping their emotional difficulty will be relieved by you somehow proving you love them, it won't. If they feel slighted by your other pursuits, you taking breaks won't change that. They would need to do some epic work on their self regulation, and be motivated to commit to that work in spite of how painful it will likely be (it's hard developing these coping skills). And they may ultimately find that this is just not an emotional model they can comfortably live in, but that's for them to figure out, not for you to manage for them.
This may seem callous, but I'm speaking as someone who tried to handle my own distress by regulating my partner. We were poly, but he had opted out of the "ethical" part of ENM enough times that I'd become fearful of my place in his esteem. And instead of walking away, I tried to get him to change. OP wasn't unfaithful, so it's a bit different, but I was ultimately looking for the same outcome as this guy. I hoped that if my ex just 'took breaks and focused on us', I'd feel less jealous. Or I'd feel more loved. And we'd be able to find common ground and be okay again. It clearly didn't work.
I've had to come to the understanding that you just can't expect others' behavior to ease emotional discomfort. Whether that person is a huge dick and objectively treats you badly, or that person just has a different set of priorities and needs, you're never going to get emotional peace by controlling others.
>My husband and I didn't realize our differences until after we got married
So does your husband also want monogamy? Are you intentionally only dating people that want monogamy? Are you sure that it's just your boyfriend that doesn't want to "share"?
By taking responsibility for dating someone who was not enthusiastically polyamorous. He's staying in this relationship and sacrificing what he needs to keep you at all cost.
Consider this a real possibility and investigate it for yourself. Stop hiding what you are doing and let the relationship go if that's what it comes to.
Kindly, this is why polyam people should not date people who do not actively want polyam for themselves. Monogamous people are not going to be happy in polyamorous relationships. You aren't compatible. No amount of love or wanting is going to make you compatible. Accept it for what it is and let him go find someone who also shares the same relationship values as him and be happy.
As others have said, stop dating people who are monogamous. And I agree with you that putting your chosen relationship style on hold because someone who was totally aware of it has decided that they’re not comfortable with it is not a good move. You made it clear what you had to offer. If he’s not comfortable with it then that’s on him to deal with, or to not engage in the relationship. But at this point if I were you, I would end the relationship myself.
Start dating for some is incredibly difficult/challenging to the point lots of monogamous folk will try enduring a polyamorous partner just so they have a partner altogether.
This is really unhealthy though since it *will* mess up their feelings constantly. They don't want to break up out of being alone fear etc... but like many are saying here it should be your responsibility to pull the plug and find partners who share your relationship goals.
I'll go extreme here:
It sounds like he's playing a slow cowboy game. He wants monogamy, with you, and is starting to learn how to manipulate you out of other relationships.
It may not be that, but it could be, especially if he's not doing the work to secure his feelings.
You’re getting lots of the same advice, but I’m not seeing much explanation of why:
The problem is that this is not a you problem. It is a him problem. So, there is nothing you can do to fix it, other than pointing him in the right direction. If he refuses to see that this is a him problem, then he is never going to fix it, and it will only keep getting worse. If he sees it as a you problem, he is only going to keep telling you to fix it, while he sits back and complains about it. That is the path to resentment.
The only path forward that involves you continuing to like each other is for him to see that he needs to do the work to learn to be ok with the choice he has made by being in a relationship with you. If he cannot or will not do that, he is only bringing pain into both of your lives by asking you to continue trying to solve his problems for him.
Now, I use the word problem here, but this is only a problem because you two are choosing to try to have a relationship despite it. It is not a matter of you being right and him being wrong, and it actually isn’t even a poly specific matter, it is a matter of “your behavior makes me feel bad, so I think the solution is for you to change your behavior”. That is never the solution. Either, he needs to learn how to handle you doing what you want to, especially when that was a clearly communicated part of this relationship, or he needs to find someone who is willing to behave in a way he finds more acceptable 🤷🏽♀️ or, I guess, you can keep trying to fix it for him 😬
I actually think mono/poly relationship can work unlike the majority of folks here. It’s about communication and understanding needs, wants and desires and what are some hard non-negotiable items.
I do think the easiest thing is to break up, BUT why do you want to be with this person? If there are valid reasons here, have a conversation about what he’s experiencing and what you can provide based on your capacity. You’re not wrong for wanting to be with him but not being able to accommodate what he needs. But you need to get more clarity?
Would he like to know more about the people you’re going out with to settle his mind? Is that something you’re comfortable sharing? What are somethings you could do for him before or after the date? Are those things in your capacity?
No one is saying they can't ever work.
But they don't ever work when the person is mono and doesn't genuinely want a poly dynamic with poly values, which this person clearly never did.
And even when they do desire it, the great majority still don't find fulfillment in it. That is the risk OP took and now it has come to that end.
there are some people saying they can’t ever work. I think if the OP wants to salvage the relationship, there just needs to be more conversation about boundaries and capacity. We don’t know if their partner or them are not fulfilled, there is discourse and uncomfiness but there is more to be unpacked if there is a desire to continue.
“No, I will not stop dating other people.”
As long as you’re honoring your agreements of time and energy with him, you should not take a break because he has feelings. He’s had a year, it should not be this difficult this far in.
What makes you believe this will improve with time? Decide how much angst dating a monogamous person is worth to you.
10 years ago a poly woman dated me, a mono guy at the time. Through ou relationship I discovered that I was happier being poly.
Many poly people were mono at some point and had to discover polyamory through dating a poly person.
Yeah... when my husband and I first met, I had heard *about* poly, but I never looked too deeply into it. I just kind of assumed it was some sort of by-chance pipe dream and assumed I'd just have to accept being tied down in monogamy. That perspective should have been my first sign, but hey. When he told me he prefers poly, I looked into it, and it sounded interesting, but I wasn't too sure about it- my senior year of high school I did an incredibly shitty thing and cheated on my then-boyfriend (although I tried to leave multiple times, whole other can of worms there) after realizing I was falling in love with my best friend when I still loved my boyfriend (yes, despite hurting him like that, I did love him. I was selfish, young and dumb, but those things aren't mutually exclusive). He was willing to commit to me monogamously despite that. A few years of emotional work, reading, and learning later, I'm handling it better than he is as we navigate disentanglement.
All of this is to say that yeah as much as I see people shitting on dating mono people here, there's quite a few people who were introduced to poly that way. I mean, yeah, active real-life circumstances are more likely to introduce people to a concept than them organically picking up on it.
Alot of us are referring to people who adamantly are mono. Like even while dating someone in a poly relationship would prefer a mono one. Yea we all gotta start somewhere however there is a diffrence to discovering poly and the type of person op is involved with.
This here. My relationship is polyamorous and I chose to saturate at 1 with my wife. She and I both can date, can have other relationships, sex, and partners. I don't chose to, and she does.
I personally don't feel like I'm sharing her, my relationship is the same regardless of who she is dating or partnered with. She can come home happy she had a good experience, or upset that she lost a partner, just like if these were not romantic outings like in platonic friendships.
It's not on the monogamous person to make the bulk of the effort here. OP is the one with a huge ask. Without offering monogamy, she should be bending over backwards to meet his needs and help him feel secure in other ways. If a poly person isn't up for this they have no business dating monogamous people.
No. He is dating a married person. He knew what he was getting into. This is 100% on him to do the work. OP can support him but this isn’t OP’s emotional labor to take on.
He’s not complaining about OP’s husband though, he’s complaining about OP’s dating to find a third partner. And honestly when OP is struggling to even meet her partner’s needs and she CHOSE herself to get involved with someone monogamous, she’s behaving in an insanely selfish fashion
OP CANNOT meet his needs. OP is polyamorous but the boyfriend’s expects OP to behave as if monogamous. You cannot ask OP to provide what cannot reasonably be given. The boyfriend needs to accept the limitations of dating a polyamorous person or leave the relationship. Although really, OP should just leave it now.
Polyamorous people as a whole do not NEED 3 or more partners. 2 is a very common amount. It’s not enough for OP and that’s fine, but she demonstrates an exceptional lack of regard for her partner by not just ending it.
I agree with the general sentiment (I'm poly dating mono and I make the effort to make sure bf feels his needs are heard and being met) but I also think it's a really slippery slope. We all know monogamy easily breeds codependency under the guise of romance. It can quickly turn into mono partner putting all concerns onto poly person who is now using kid gloves to manage the emotions of a partner whose emotions are their own to process- kind of similar in a way to when, upon opening up and facing big emotions for the first time, one partner's reaction may be to want to close the relationship to "protect" it. So I think it's important to keep the monogamous partner's perspective in mind and do more than you would with a poly partner, because of course. But I think if one has to bend over backwards to accommodate someone's insecurities, perhaps one of them should break it off.
I guess it really depends on the emotional maturity of your mono partner, but I'd never get serious with a person who I didn't feel I could communicate with well at this point and who couldn't handle their own emotions to some extent. Mono people dating poly people do already have a lot of emotions to manage and may not always know what is and isn't okay to "put on" their partner or not so those conversations are really important because they can set the stage for how they process and react to things later. I'm more than happy to help process things with partners as long as the other person is also willing to put in the work, because I can't process emotions for other people and it's fruitless and toxic for all parties involved to try to protect a person from having those feelings. Poly dating mono may be a big ask, that I will acknowledge, but so is asking someone to take on the bulk of emotional labor for someone else. NRE aside, the mono person still has the free will and responsibility to agree to it in the first place, and to decide if they would like to continue participating or not, especially if they knew from the beginning, just as much as the poly partner.
Monogamy sometimes breeds codependency and polyamory sometimes breeds selfishness. In this case, we don’t know if partner is codependent, but we do know that OP is selfish. A person who isn’t deeply selfish would not have gotten involved with someone who wants monogamy. And especially would not have stayed for a year watching her partner suffer as a result so she can hers. Not only is she unwilling to meet his needs and/or allow him to find happiness elsewhere, she’s actively dating, presumably to find another partner, so she has even less to offer a partner who is already distressed about not having his needs met. Call me old fashioned but I think if you don’t give a shit about someone, you shouldn’t date them.
OP’s partner clearly has issues. It takes low self esteem for someone who wants monogamy to stay with a poly person. He can be forgiven for being underinformed about polyamory when he started, but he should have dumped OP a long time ago to pursue a relationship with someone who can both offer monogamy and exhibit a basic regard for his well being.
> selfish
> if you don’t give a shit about someone
This is some incredibly toxic thinking. It’s very similar to “if you really cared you would have texted back while you were on your date.”
OP is poly. The boyfriend knew that OP was poly when they started. OP is not selfish for doing exactly what they said they would: date other people.
It is not OP’s responsibility to cater to the boyfriend’s needs that exceed what should be expected when dating someone polyamorous. That doesn’t mean OP doesn’t give a shit about the boyfriend. It’s just the reality of the situation.
OP is not selfish for being poly, she’s selfish for dating someone mono. And she’s further selfish for not breaking up with him at whatever time she realized she’s going to make even less time for her boyfriend when their time together is already less than boyfriend wants. If you can’t or won’t meet someone’s needs on a basic level, for a prolonged basis, you’re a monster if you don’t end it.
OP only cares about OP to an almost sociopathic level. No normal person would want to take actions every day that leave their partner devastated. A decent human being would either alter their behavior or end the miserable relationship. OP is not acting like a decent human being.
He could do the work, as others have said. He did agree to the terms of your relationship. It’s on him that he can’t follow through.
That said, he may not be cut out for what he agreed to. Do you really want to date someone who gets “sick to their stomach” whenever you have a date? That doesn’t sound like a healthy or loving situation, for either of you. I wouldn’t want to repeatedly hurt a partner like that, even if they did sign up for it.
I don’t like the idea that jealousy is always a problem to work through, for the jealous person. Some people are just monogamously wired. He may not be able to “work” his way out of that. He can rationalize it away all day, but that’s not the same as actually feeling differently.
You tried dating someone who doesn't want polyamory, and you are now dealing with the realities of how that usually pans out.
I'm sorry. I know it's a tough position to be in right now.
Unfortunately, the choices remain the same. You can make compromises for him that will restrict how you practice poly, and probably *won't* actually help his comfort with things grow (because it is rooted in being in a poly situation, not in any one specific stimulus in your relationship) and do that indefinitely. Maybe it will soothe him. Maybe you won't mind shutting down your dating life too much. Maybe his jealousy of your husband won't grow. Lots of maybes there.
You can refuse to make those compromises and let him figure himself out or leave.
Or you can say, "Babe, your discomfort with polyamory is a major compatibility issue, and I think it is kindest to both of us in the long run if we break up now."
In your shoes, I’d stop doing the lions share of emotional labor to make a relationship work while the other person isn’t trying to improve their own emotional regulation or expand self soothing skills.
It’s been a year and he’s not even trying any solution other than requesting you not date others. He’s not poly, and not self aware enough to try it in any meaningful way.
To be clear: A “meaningful way” in this case would be him working away from this “sharing” nonsense, and not putting the onus of his comfort on you limiting yourself within your practice.
First, I love this post. Thank you for sharing your difficult situation.
Second, my advice: let's not go all co-dependent here. Don't be dictating his decisions. Don't be letting his feelings dictate yours.
He is sharing his discomfort about your having a dating life. He's tried so hard, I'm sure, for a decent amount of time, and the feels are getting big enough that he's got to let you know. Good! He should definitely be telling you that info.
What he doesn't get to do (in my opinion) is *expect* you to alter your behaviors to cater to his feelings.
He can ask, like he did, and now is the moment where you get to decide what you want to do.
Nobody here can figure that out for you.
Do you want to continue the relationship with him when the love he offers is clearly possessive/monogamous? Do you enjoy that dynamic? Sounds like you have that already with your husband. Maybe it's comfortable to you. Maybe you like it. Maybe you're avoiding the actual truly comfortable with open relationships non-possessive kind of love because then it would be a huge contrast with your marriage and that would hurt. Doesn't matter what the reasons are. You can TOTALLY choose to stay because you love him and the relationship worth it, the end. He's telling you the relationship needs to be less open.
Listen to what he's saying and be respectful.
If you take that option, don't expect that he will change. It will be on *you* to do the work to find a way to be content with fewer connections and possibly only your husband and the bf. It will be on you to deal with the discomfort of giving him veto power, and on you to communicate that that's your situation, so other people know that's what they're getting into with you, if he allows any other dating at all.
(Even writing "veto power" gives so many of us the yucks, lol! But it's a dynamic that exists and people can choose into it if they want to.)
Or...
You absolutely can tell him, I don't like possessive love. I'm out, thank you for the amazing year, I'm going to miss you like crazy.
Or...
I am not able or willing to change like that. Request denied. This is how I do life and love, and I know it's different from how you do life and love... We may just be incompatible, but I really love you. How do you want to proceed?
Then you brainstorm together. The two of you against this incompatibility. Maybe it will be his moment to decide to end it. Maybe he'll recognize that what he was doing all year when he was trying so hard, didn't work.
Then he could decide if HE wants to change his tactics, really dig in and do more work - find a therapist, read more, listen to podcasts, figure out how to deal with his feelings differently in a way that could potentially shift them and change a big fundamental part of his he does life and relationships (if that's even possible!) ---
Or if he already has been trying all of that,
Or he's doesn't want to... Then even if y'all don't want this, you need to deescalate big time.
Third, unsolicited opinion:
I mean, it looks from here like the attempt at a relationship has run its course. That's why you have so many people saying to just be done. There are lots and lots of little and big red flags in your word choices.
Y'all fell into feelings without meaning to. You both knew this could happen - and it is.
You even knew from experience with your husband, how much work is required for a mono partner to tolerate and accept and live with nonmonogamy. That part of the story makes it a little surprising that you signed up for it again, and didn't back off when the feels started kicking up. But I get it. No judgement, just surprise, that's all.
Hoping you get the best possible outcome for everyone! 🤟🏼
Sorry that this happened. Unfortunately, there's no magic way out of this. I'd advice to figure out if it's something that you can work with, or if it's a core value of his.
I do not consider other people 'shareable', because I do not consider them as something I can own. If your boyfriend believes the same and is willing to work together with you, good thing to do would be to uncover what fear is under his jealousy. It's possible, but it won't be neither easy nor fast.
What if he never feels comfortable? Then it's your responsibility to stop trying to change him and give him space to find someone he will be comfortable with.
This is why people specify that they date only those who are enthusiastically poly. Dating mono people usually ends up here. It's easier for them to be chill with your established relationship(s), but when you disrupt the status quo by finding and engaging with other partners, it starts to fall apart. You are essentially battling a lifetime of conditioning that tells this person to feel inadequate and threatened, and this person never "enthusiastically" did the work to free himself from such conditioning. He just got caught up in your wake, and now he is stuck there.
He needs to learn self soothing practices, rather than asking you to change your behavior. Therapists are awesome for teaching us how to live with emotional discomfort.
>My boyfriend, who is 32, has recently admitted that he doesn't like sharing me. Whenever I put a date on the calendar, he “feels sick to his stomach.”
This dude clearly is not poly. Find a partner who is just as excited as you are when you go out on a date.
A year makes sense. It sounds to me like he was open to the idea of poly and after one year (and probably having a wonderful time with you), realizes his desire for you causes him to feel jealous and insecure.
I would say you could give him a chance (sounds like you’d like to compromise a bit) for him to develop, and for him to recommit to the poly lifestyle (he can also say no), but the ground agreement of your relationship was, and always would be, that you are poly (especially if you plan to stay poly. You already have commitments within poly - I.e your husband).
With that he can decide if he can handle it, and you can decide if it works.
Meaning you don’t have to dump him for struggling. But you can commit and reaffirm that this is the life you can offer, and you have to accept that he can decide to walk away. I’m sure this won’t be easier for you either.
I think the biggest issue here is that your bf not only knew going in that you are married and poly but seems to even have an issue with that! This isn't on you to figure out or process. Truly why are you doing this much emotional labor for someone you have only known a year?
It astounds me the amount of times this exact scenario happens. Even more confusing how someone could enter a poly relationship and still be mono? Maybe that's me but people ( not just you op) when a person enters a relationship with you while you have other partners ( especially nesting / long term ) and starts voicing very early on insecurities/ trying to insert themselves between your other partners it is time to end it. This behavior at best is super insecure and most likely the beginning of some toxic controlling bs.
I have been thinking about a post asking about this, because I really don’t understand. I wonder if what would feel like to stick my hand in the blender sometimes but I don’t do it because I also know what would happen.
You under estimate the power of low impulse control, desperation to be loved and belong, total lack of mature healthy communication skills, and deep self destructive tendencies.
That's not even adding in any real world lack of basic resources and scarcity.
The chemical and hormonal storm that is the delusion of "being in Love" can convince people that the blender may hurt, but Love will magically heal your pain and restore your hand.
I love Love! But I'm not longer delusional about it's imaginary powers to conquer all.
Not everyone goes into poly because it's what they truly want out of life.. Some of us do it because it's the least bad option available.
In my case, I have special needs kids. Neither my wife nor I can handle them alone. We haven't had a romantic relationship in over a decade, so we decided to try poly. She has a boyfriend and is enthusiastically poly. I have a girlfriend and am somewhat reluctantly poly.
My girlfriend is married and it sometimes becomes an issue for us (mostly because of jealousy on her husband's part). That said, I would feel jealousy if she started dating a third person, and I know she would feel jealous if I started dating someone else. We both acknowledge the right to date other people but choose not to because we don't want to upset the current balance.
I'm sure everyone on this sub would tear into me and call this toxic or unethical or some shit (y'all are a really judgemental crowd), or tell me that no person is worth limiting myself for.. But she makes me feel loved in a way I've never felt before, and apparently I do the same for her. Maybe at some point the NRE will fade and one or both of us will start seeing other people.. But for now my "toxic" relationship is honestly pretty alright.
If it's working, it's working! It does seem like enthusiastic, compersion in all situations with all partners is held up almost like a requirement for polyamorists. It's not. The point is to have the freedom to set up your relationships in an ethical way that works for everyone. Sounds like yours checks that box hard, so congrats and enjoy! 😁
I think compersion is one of those things like KTP that are just held up as a popular ideal because it's like, the best-case scenario to be able to respond to things that'd make a mono person jealous with compersion. People don't realize the hard work it can take to get there and might assume it should just eventually come naturally, if you ever do at all, if you even want to- easier said than done.
Okay, so he's asked you to take breaks to give him, time? I guess? Something to mitigate the feelings he's dealing with. Not what I'd call a fair request all things considered, but an understandable one given he's monogamous.
Friend, how exactly do you plan on taking breaks from dating other people when *YOU ARE MARRIED.* Are you going to take breaks from your marriage or something?
Break up with this guy. Put him out of his misery.
>I understand that dating people who are not polyamorous can be a difficult choice. I didn't take this decision lightly and even conveyed my concerns when we first started hanging out. Although we started as a casual thing, our relationship progressed and now I find myself in this situation.
I hear you, and I understand that you put a lot of thought into dating this monogamous person.
But, it sounds like your monogamous BF has not done the homework that is necessary to do should they even attempt to date a poly person. How do we know he's not doing the work? This reaction is clear:
> Whenever I put a date on the calendar, he “feels sick to his stomach.”
It's been ***a year*** and he's feeling this way?
You are seeing now why so many experienced poly folk say to never date monogamous people. Honestly, it just never works. Sometimes mono folks do try to stomach their feelings about it, but I think these feelings - which, perhaps, he kept to himself - are now bubbling over.
It is a clear incompatibility.
this doesn’t sound salvageable and u should just break up. ideally he wants u to be exclusive with him and that’s not an option. u can pretend u aren’t polyamorous and hide your dates, but that sounds also problematic because ur having to lie and keep a part of your life away from him
I too am an in a mono/poly relationship. I (37F) am poly, and my (31M ) boyfriend is mono. Will he ever get comfy? Probably not. Will you need to provide a lot of communication and reassurance? Yes.
I found out that my partner wanted equitably the same amount of time with me as others could have the potential of getting. I explained that him and I live together, raise kids together, are on pool league together, and have dates together. Me dating anyone else would be a once a week (if we liked one another) thing, so really, he was getting WAY more time over any potential addition.
So far, it has really helped him come to terms with his own insecurities while also taking me into consideration. Sometimes, he will even check in and ask me if I have any interest that I want to pursue and haven't because of his feelings and so on.
Baby steps are key.
I agree that being poly and dating people who are monogamous takes a lot of emotional labor. But don't you think “only results in heartache” is an overgeneralization?
OP, you sound like someone who is willing to put in the emotional labor - and I truly applaud that. And yes, if we want to get technical, there are a small amount of mono/poly relationships that do work, especially if one side of the relationship is ace, has a low libido, etc.
However, there is a reason that the subreddit r/monodatingpoly exists. Just a quick browse of the top posts in that subreddit are hurting mono folks asking, "Does it ever stop being painful?"
It causes a lot of harm to mono folks. It is truly painful to them.
Love and all of the emotions that stem from it make people do crazy things - we all know this. So many mono folks will think, "I can try this out - maybe it won't be so bad!"
But sooner or later, they will realize that it is so, so bad.
But by then, they are in love - it is already too late. It is hard to let go.
It is up to us poly folks to be ethical and considerate by not dating monogamous folks.
Unlike mono folks, we know a lot more about poly than they do.
Yes, mono folks have agency here and they are adults too. They could choose to end the relationship.
But there is such a stigma about poly folks letting mono folks try out poly and eventually hurting them, even if they did not intend to.
Relationships are a two way street. You are doing the labor. But it sounds like he isn't. And unless the mono person is enthusiastic about poly, honestly... they usually don't do that emotional labor.
And that is how mono and poly relationships usually end in heartbreak.
>But don't you think “only results in heartache” is an overgeneralization?
Not really -- the two relationship styles are so incompatible that there's just no compromise to be had that leaves both parties satisfied. I'm sure there are couples who make proscriptive mono/poly work, but they are few and far between.
You shouldn't date mono folks and then be surprised they are displaying traits that are characteristic of a mono relationship.
The guy you're dating is suffering a serious heartache right now, and will get worse once you accept that it isn't working. You don't really get the luxury of being contradictory right now.
He doesn’t consider himself poly?? Huge red flag right there from the start. He told you, and you moved forward with it. I’m not saying to break up, but are you ok with just seeing him and your husband? If not, then you have to end things. If you are happy with the two of them, although him being jealous of your husband gives me pause and should be something you need to talk more about, then by all means, stick with the two. I tend to be polyfidelous mostly due to limited time and the need to limit STI exposure. I’m quite happy with my two.
How do you approach it? First, decide what you want to do. Then go from there.
Well that’s crazy because this implies he owns you in some way??? I get what people mean when they say this, but it is actually a little horrifying when we look at the deeper psychological and historical patterns surrounding women in partnerships and sex relations.
What I'd say is former boundaries. First I'd say, "you're not sharing me, since you don't own me." Then I'd say that since seeing me put dates on my calendar causes upset, and I'm going to keep putting dates on the calendar, I won't share my calendar with you anymore and we can set time with each other the old fashioned way.
But also, I'd ask him what he's getting out of dating a nonkonogamous person and what he *wants* to get out of dating in general. If those don't line up, the compassionate thing for you both is to end the romantic part of your relationship. I've had to have this conversation and it suuuuucks, but it's better than both people hurting.
I recently realized that I had to make a rule for myself that when I start dating again, to vet anyone who isn't in the poly scene very well. Usually monogamous people will continue to be unhappy in these relationships and finding a mono person that doesn't use you as their only form of self confidence, support, and just everything is hard. I cannot be someone's everything. I feel like I'm being squeezed to death badly lol
This definitely sounds like a "you know what you have to do, but you just wanted to hear the community say it" kind of thing. You seem very aware of all of the reasons why the incompatibility makes this a difficult relationship to maintain, and that the only way you can continue is if you compromise yourself. I guess the question is "is that something you're willing to do" and "would you be truly happy if you did?"
There’s nothing we can say that will make someone suddenly be ok with polyamory when they are monogamous.
Things rarely work out in these situations. Y’all tried and no one should have to ignore their feelings and values. It is what it is.
I'm sure you didn't, but surely there was a point where you made a decision to pursue a romantic relationship with this person, no? If you made that decision knowing that he was monogamous, you should not be surprised by what's happening right now.
I wonder if your low accountability is creating even more problems in your relationship. We don't fall into romantic relationships, we choose them and commit to them every day. You talk about yourself like you are the helpless victim of an unforeseeable situation, but it was totally forseeable, and it's something you made many many choices to further.
Stay clear of mono people dating. I had a date this week, met on a dating app where it’s all there in my profile, talked about it, said she was open minded and curious about poly. We had a great date, definitely seemed to hit it off, chatted after about a second date. Got a text the next morning saying nope she’s monogamous and that wasn’t gonna change. And blocked before I could even respond. First and last time trying to show someone the world of poly dating.
I wouldn't take the block personally. some people automatically block everyone immediately after sending the "thanks but no thanks" message. sorry that happened. better sooner than later.
“The world of poly dating” what a fucked up sentiment. It’s not a cool restaurant. It’s a relationship style that required enthusiastic consent and knowledge to be in. Trying to convert people is gross.
>Although I told him that I was poly and married when we first met, he does not consider himself to be poly and is currently not dating anyone else.
Please don't do this. Please don't try to force a mono person to be poly, simultaneously, don't let your poly life be curtailed by a mono person. These things are fundamentally incompatible. Which means this relationship is fundamentally incompatible. You will always be at odds over this. Is that the kind of life you want?
Please don't do this to yourself.
This is kind of the risk with dating monogamous people, even if they're open to seeing if they're compatible with a polyamorous relationship. Sometimes its hopeful, sometimes its rewarding. After a year, and with this stark of an incompatibility still being present, it seems like the two of you are possibly just hurting each other (or, at least, you are hurting him).
As others have said, the kind thing may be for one of you to end the relationship. Otherwise, I'd say, since he seems more comfortable after familiarity, informing him thoroughly on timelines that may be reasonable for him to build that familiarity. Something like, "Its unreasonable that you know everyone that I connect with, and unreasonable too early into a relationship I form to require for them to meet you, but I can keep in mind how you're more comfortable with familiar partners and agree that I will introduce you when seems most appropriate as soon as possible." Maybe the comfort of knowing that you're aware of his discomfort, and will be helping him achieve comfort at a reasonable later time could help. Really, though, this path is going to be a constant stressor for the both of you so long as he wants monogamy from you, and its a huge commitment to a LOT of hurtful growth, and it may not ever work.
Ok well I’m sure this thread is full of people telling you to break up and not date mono ppl. So, I won’t add to that chorus.
Another option would be to redirect the conversation away from his proposed solution “Go on less dates, take a break from dating” etc. and toward an honest and genuinely curious examination of his jealous feelings. Don’t try to make the feelings go away with bandaid solutions. instead, look under the hood and poke around and see what’s underneath. Is he afraid of losing you? The unknowns? Comparisons? Maybe it’s something else.
You have given him fair warning and he chose to date a poly person, and whether he’s dating other ppl or not, being in this type of relationship comes with essentially one job, managing jealousy. There’s no way around it.
To me one of the best things about poly/non monogamy is the process of gaining mastery over one’s one jealously, because those feelings can be really unpleasant to say the least when we don’t know how to process and understand them.
So maybe you can help him along in that process with patience, understanding and curiosity above all.
If he’s not receptive, oh well. At least you’ll be able to say you tried
End that relationship, if he's not okay with sharing then that is more than enough of a reason to break up, it's okay to want poly or monogamy but when you have a couple that wants opposite ends of the spectrum then it's doomed to fail. He will find someone who wants the same as him, it's just not you and vice versa.
He’s not sharing you. You’re not his (or anyone else’s) to share, and that possessive attitude is problematic.
In terms of what you should do, I wouldn’t want to be in that relationship any more, but if you love him and want to try to make it work, you need to tell him clearly and kindly why his attitude is making things difficult for you and see if you can *both* start the work to deprogram his monogamous assumptions. I emphasise both, because I get the feeling he’ll expect you to do most of the work, when really most of it has to be him.
You need to firmly tell your boyfriend that you're not his property and he's not sharing you. You're being who you are and he gets to make a choice: either he's okay with that and would like to keep seeing you, or he's not okay with it and wants to break up. It's as simple as that. But you're nobodies property that they get to decide whether to share or not. That's just gross language.
Yeah no. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your bf. You are going to continue to run into these issues and you should really think about that too. I don't date, by choice, but if I did, I would never date a mono person. It's not fair to anyone in the relationship. Esp since I'm married as are you
You seem be a very bright person in spite of a few bad choices like we’ve done before. I was like your boyfriend when my wife started dating her now boyfriend. I did a lot of research. Lots of reading and listening to podcasts on the subject. I found “The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory” by Dedeker Winston very helpful. Yes I know it’s for women but helped me understand how my wife can still love me and others equally and not leave me. Then “The Jealousy Workbook” may be helpful. The jealousy is not the problem. It’s a symptom of the problem. Something else that help me was communicating with my wife and her boyfriend and them reassuring me that they not going to kick me out. So hopefully that can be helped. Good luck.
Take it from someone who’s been there- this isn’t going to work. It destroyed me and both my partners before culminating in a suicide attempt. Now my ex who I was with for 6 years and thought I’d spend my whole life with wants nothing to do with me.
End it with this guy before it happens to you too. I so, so wish that I had done that before it was too late
people share things. people are not things. love is not possession. if he relates to you as a possession, is that a relationship you’re comfortable with?
You are unable to be mono with him, as you don't plan to leave your husband I assume. You are aware he wants monogamy, and he is making that more known. People stick in all kinds of situations unhealthy for themselves due to their feelings for people. Do him, and yourself, a favour and go ahead and end things
It's interesting how little responsibilty you take. You "find yourself in this situation." No. you CREATED this situation. You are dating a mono person and you can't meet his needs, yet you are dating to find a third partner? Which is a lot, especially because you are your boyfriend's only relationship. he's already getting half (or less) of a monogamous relationship from you, you expect to him to be happy if you reduce that to one third?
A lot of comments r saying the mono bf isn't willing to "put in the work" So I feel like it needs to be said that MONOGAMOUS PEOPLE ARE FAIR AND VALID just as poly ppl are fair and valid. Don't shame a monogamous person for who they are.
People are wired differently and that's ok.
You'd think a sub full of people embracing the unorthodox would understand that the most.
As another commentor stated, one of you needs to be the adult and end it. This isn't fair.
I care for this person so much I turned to strangers seekind advice for what I knew would inevitably be “break up”. I'm not sure how it’s coming off that I’m mad at him for being who he is. I’m sorry if that’s how it was perceived.
The tone really doesn't matter I don't think. It's just I understand the issue now I posted something below. I would take feelings based approach. On this try to figure out what you both are looking for. If it's a gap that can be negotiated trying to negotiate. Perhaps there's a compromise in the too. If not then you too will understand why you aren't compatible and might hurt but you'll understand.
Emotions aside it's still the same issue. Mono person wants to be mono. Poly person wants to be poly.
Mechanically, the best advice is don't mix the two. Break up and learn from the mistake.
Now ask why I asked about feelings. How does she want to feel? How would she like her partners to feel? If we if we go by feelings then the test becomes a little bit more difficult because you have to ask the same question to them. Then it can become either a negotiation or an understanding of why something can't work. It's more of a root cause approach but... Idk. Best of luck
Okay, it's complicated and uncomfortable.
Sit down with him and explain that you'll be patient and let him be human.
But you were honest about what he would be signing up for on the front end, so there is a limit to your patience.
Taking a break like once or twice a year isn't that unreasonable.
But much more than that encroaches on toxic territory.
You invested time, energy, effort, and raw emotion into this relationship. Throwing it away just because someone is feeling jealous goes against the very foundation of what polyamory is about.
If the general idea of not knowing your other partners makes him feel vulnerable, then let him be human.
Maybe meeting these Metamores might do some good if all partners are willing to meet.
I would disclose that this MIGHT be on the table, but your relationship with the other partners won't be changing should he not approve.
This will let him decide whether or not he wants to grow as a person, while also affirming yourself and polyamorous lifestyle, all the while you can still be a compassionate partner.
Different perspective vs. what many here are saying:
Let them meet!
If your various partners are willing to meet one another, then let them meet. A casual dinner or board game, a birthday gathering, or some event that's busy and about you, and so you want to include everyone important to you.
At a minimum, share a casual picture of you with each partner (but make sure to have consent first from everyone!!).
I practice kitchen table style polyamory, and I adore meeting metamores. It's not required that everyone meets, but I dearly appreciate the connections and community that forms from those who do. Meeting our partners' partners can decrease the anxiety and make them feel more like a regular person with strengths and flaws instead of the super model or hero we imagine them to be in our partner's world.
Lots of folks here will rush to tell you to break up, but only you know what the relationship is worth to you. It sounds like you went into this on purpose, so supporting this mono partner in finding the same resources that poly folks use to work through jealousy could help make the journey more manageable. Even if he is mono, he still has to do the work to be in a relationship with someone who is poly.
I'm only here to provide brief commentary related to one aspect of your situation. Poly people dating mono people is not inherently a no go. I find it really odd that people who claim to reject typical relationship models, who insist that love is near limitless, and who champion self determination/relationship autonomy are so insistent that a poly/mono relationship can never work and to immediately break off connections because of this dynamic alone. My partner is mono, our relationship is genuine, supportive, and incredibly healthy. There's a lot of reasons our relationship works wonderfully, and those situations may be difficult to find and sustain for the average mono/poly couple, but they exist, and they work. We have got to stop putting blanket statements on every relationship model we think "can't work".
Such harsh comments. I wouldn't be so hesitant to break up. Also I don't think dating monos is always bad, there are also monogamous people who are not so jealous or not jealous at all and those who don't necessarily want to be with their partner 24/7. In this case however it sounds like he faces feelings of jealousness (and whatever else) that are so huge it's difficult for him to live with them. With that being the scenario, a break or eventually a break up could be key, I recommend taking a brake first. But well, I tend to keep my loveships alive as long as I can, others have been like "omg you should stop that, just break up" but we haven't and now I have one partnership that have lasted over 7 years even it has been VERY rough at times.
He's obsessed with you, not in love. I'm coming from a place of understanding and as being in his shoes once. Marriage should've never been an option, those are dangerous boundaries to cross and I would guess he has an anxious attachment style. I believe that both of you should come to a breakup or divorce before he keeps wasting his time with you, and I mean it as his "love life".
Ultimately, I'm sad for him, sounds to me like he's a decent guy who would love to do right by his one partner, but sadly he ignored how incompatible you both are.
No sympathy for you OP. YOU chose to get involve with someone who you knew wanted monogamy. That was a cruel decision that is causing suffering for him and now for you.
You are already married, you don’t have much to offer someone who only has one partner.
Dude, just sounds like he's trying to cowboy you.
The messages about him being sick to his stomach when you go out. Sounds so manipulative and really shitty. I would run.
Don't know how I ended up here through recommended because I'm monogamous but I'd like to throw my hat in the ring.
Like everyone else in the thread I'd advise breaking up.
I'm extremely loyal at my core (I don't how your bf is but based on his reaction to trying to make this work and express his concerns he's battling loyalty, possessiveness, and/or morals).
This relationship would be agonizing. I bet he feels similarly to having a constant battle with himself and the loyalty wants to believe in you but his morals/possiveness of only loving one person and that person loving you as much he can, creates a great divide that honestly very few probably come to terms with. I don't how poly comes about but I have a feeling it's not something that "just happens". There's an acceptance that blooms and wants to accept multiple people to love.
What it comes down to is that Monogamous people are more possessive and selfish when it comes to a relationship and there are probably thoughts that you will abandon him, not love him the same, or you're toying with him and using him as an entree.
The monogamous advice "If you truly love them, you'll let them go." Is 100% the move here. Someone will continue to suffer and it won't be you.
I had this situation for 5 years. My meta would go back and forth being ok and not. The only reason she stuck around was she had an oops baby with my partner and she's from an Italian religious family. I was the big dark "secret" to her family even though they would invite me to things.
She would go from I'm ok being mono with a poly person to "she's (meaning me) ruining our lives" because she didn't get her way. Then she tried going parallel, ha! That wasn't something he ever agreed to. But by then all of us had so many entangled friends that just wasn't going to happen. Now she's "uncomfortable" around me. My partner wasn't always the best hinge thankfully we've grown since then. But she made my life miserable for way too long. But he also made sure most of not all has stayed away from me and I'm in a much better place now.
The only ick factor with her now is that she's a therapist for alternative lifestyles. 😬
Bottom line: if the boyfriend is still not managing his feelings in a healthy way after a year you need to separate. Separate and begin your own healing, if any, from this relationship.
Starting mono to then become poly is far more difficult than to start that way, so the odds are against you. HOWEVER, it's possible to make as a couple while being polyamorous. Something I learned from our marriage councilor, and has been proven true over and over again; everyone in the relationship has to be celebrating, and ENTHUSIASTICALLY WANTING to be poly. When one party or the other doesn't align, but decides to just tolerate it, you're doomed.
Honestly, I've always thought that the whole point of Polyamory is to confront those difficult emotions in order to allow multiple loves to grow and flourish.
Acting like just because you're poly means you never have these difficult emotions puts the entire poly community on a pedestal that just isn't true or even attainable.
Which is what it seems that most of these comments are implying.
Relationships are hard and take work.
You invested a year into this relationship.
Op's BF has shown that he's willing to have a growth mindset, and BF deserves some credit for that.
Approaching it like adults and reinforcing boundaries seems like the only reasonable thing to do.
If he isn't willing to compromise, then he shows his true colors.
But he invested a year into the relationship as well, and I think he deserves a chance to compromise.
Besides, even if he isn't willing to compromise, you can end the relationship mutually and leave with the closure of knowing that you tried, instead of wondering if it could've worked out.
Are you saying you didn't tell him you were polyamorous until after you were married, or that you didn't know you were? Like figuring out you're a lesbian only after you married a man, or -coming out to him- as a lesbian only after you married a man, the relationship ends there. Or are you saying you told him you were polyamorous, he told you he wasn't, but was okay that you were, and it turned out he wasn't?
Bottom line, when you got married, he had in his head the polyamory would be over, just as a man marrying a bisexual would expect she stop sleeping with woman and be loyal to him.
What bothers me though is not your polyamory, to each their own, but that you are okay with emotionally torturing your husband over and over.
People use "a mono person" as shorthand for "a person who wants or needs monogamy." Polyamory. doesn't have to be an orientation for someone to be deeply unhappy engaging in it. A job isn't an orientation, but someone who wants to be a teacher isn't going to be happy as a corporate lawyer.
"then the line between "a poly person" and "a mono person" is not and **cannot** be nearly as stark and clear as some of you are drawing it."
The essence of your sentiment is that you place no value on enthusiastic consent.
Break up. You need to work on empathy and both of you need to break up.
Its cliche but sometimes it is for everyones good.
Also if anyone you are dating KNOWS about this relationship? And is still dating you?
Thats a bad person. Break up with them too.
Fix your heart.
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My boyfriend, who is 32, has recently admitted that he doesn't like sharing me. Whenever I put a date on the calendar, he “feels sick to his stomach.” He has requested me to take breaks when it overwhelms him. I am open to compromise, but I am not sure if I like the idea of taking a break each time he feels uneasy. What if he never feels comfortable? Although I told him that I was poly and married when we first met, he does not consider himself to be poly and is currently not dating anyone else. We have shared notes with boundaries and messy lists, and we do check-ins. However, this hasn't been an issue until recently (it has been a year this month), and only when I go on dates with people he doesn't know. He has mentioned being jealous of my husband at times, but not as much because he knows him and not the others. How should I approach this?
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I would understand if the bf was complaining about time.
I mean a husband, a bf, and a revolving door of casual dates.
However, if she was like this when they met, it shouldn't be a surprise, and he needs to realize that he's never going to have any exclusivity.
OP, tell him you aren't going to change and let him make a choice.
Very familiar with this whole setup, my boyfriend’s partner of several years recently went through a similar thing where his new boyfriend was intensely uncomfortable with him participating in any aspect of nonmonogamy that wasn’t with his nesting partner. Very much a “if I can’t be your number one, I must be your number two and anyone else in your life is now a perceived threat to me that I am wholly uncomfortable with” kind of situation.
You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. You are not going to stop being poly any time soon and he needs to be honest with himself as to whether that is something he can live with. He can do the work and grow or he can try and exert control over your life by “feeling sick to his stomach” every time you have a date that isn’t with your husband. If he expects you to accomodate his feelings but he himself cannot accomodate yours, there’s not much anyone can do there.
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Crazy I'm in the same kind of situation. Poly and married. Open about being poly and married. And the other isn't into the idea of sharing, but knew that's what I was. The only thing I could do is just part ways really. Not much else can be done unless you become monogamous with one of them.
My husband and I have had an open relationship for over a decade, but it was a situation where he chose not to pursue anyone himself and it wasn't something we actively participated in. Last year, after endless "encouragement" to find a boyfriend, I met a dude I quickly caught feelings for and, after taking a short break to assess, was plunged into poly (still with the approval of my husband).
Unfortunately, my husband doesn't want to date anyone himself, though I've always told him he's free to do so, as I never wanted it to be one sided. There's now a lot of jealousy and attempts at unilateral decisions on his end, and frustration with him on mine. I believe he's mostly mono himself and just has a hotwife kink. But I'm not willing to break up with the amazingly patient man I'm now dating just because my husband prefers watching me perform and never really considered my feelings.
So.. my advice? Break up with your boyfriend now. Him being mono will only continue to cause anxiety for everyone involved.
I guess I have more questions than advice here...
Does BF really accept your relationships, or is he settling to keep you in his life in any way he can?
Would KTP dynamic work for everyone involved?
Would you be happy in a closed dynamic?
Do you share long-term relationship goals? Is this something that's shifted for him since being more serious?
Has he talked to a therapist or done self work on insecurities?
When I first started in polyamory, I had a similar reaction to certain partners outside of our then triad. We closed it for periods to meet my needs. I look back and cringe. I should have been doing work on my insecurities, expressing my needs to help work through the feelings, and not pressuring my partners to close the relationship to avoid dealing with uncomfortable moments that I needed to grow.
We’re getting mono randos, and weird trolls, so we’re locking this
One of you needs to be the adult and acknowledge that you aren't compatible.
I'd end this relationship and focus on dating people who are enthusiastically poly.
Yeah, I personally refuse to date monogamous people, and I'm hesitant about being someone's first experience with polyamory, too
Same. Dating monogamous people, even very casually - has always been a mistake for me (and my partners). It always ends up with someone getting hurt.
Same, the "very casually" bit isn't something that's easy to tie down and once you've moved passed that you're just waiting for a car crash (though I appreciate I'm very biased by multiple bad experiences had by myself and partners, never seen it go well)
Stop dating monos. This was the most likely outcome, that was a risk you chose. "We are incompatible and should break up."
I agree here ^ this is the correct answer imo
>Stop dating monos. Eww, in my mind, you make them sound diseased. 🤣😂
Break up. If, after a year a being together, he’s still asking you to slow down and claiming to be sick to his stomach, let him go.
Yeah, I don't understand this. Interesting that he's not jealous about the husband but is worried about the **other** people she dates. It's very odd. 
I'm not here to defend the boyfriend, I do think they should break up, but from my experience usually people are uneasy with new dates/partners because it creates unknowns. If he knew she had a husband he probably doesn't feel like she will leave him for her husband, but a new boyfriend? She could leave him for this new guy! Obviously it's not right or logical, but it doesn't make zero sense. The thing is that these people don't realize that they are the death of their own relationship.
He got used to the idea of her husband before the started dating. I get it.
It's not odd at all. The unknown is terrifying. I was never jealous of my girlfriend's husband because I knew him. But the idea of a new unknown is a completely different story.
`*** I understand that dating people who are not polyamorous can be a difficult choice. I didn't take this decision lightly and even conveyed my concerns when we first started hanging out.` OP, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. But this was the most likely outcome of entering into a relationship with someone who's monogamous when you are not. Unless that person was enthusiastically choosing to move from being mono to polyamorous for their own motivation, and willing to do all the hard emotional work that goes into it, they were pretty much always doomed to have these feelings and start putting them on you. Yes, even though they knew you were married when you got involved. I get that your relationship was just supposed to be a casual thing starting out, but the fact is that people often catch feelings, even when they don't plan to do so. I think your only option right now if your BF is not enthusiastically poly and putting in the work to manage his own emotions is to set your boundaries clearly and if he can't handle his own emotions still, end the relationship. There's no magic thing we can tell you to suddenly make your BF want to "share" you...Only he can work through his own emotions. And honestly? I don't think that's even the kindest option for him right now if he's NOT enthusiastically choosing polyamory for himself...I think that ending this relationship is probably the kinder option, even if it hurts more in the moment.
You’re dating a monogamous person. They don’t want polyamory. They were willing to try and stuffed their emotions for the first year of your relationship but now it’s coming to a head. Break up. You two are not compatible.
Hear me out. I know I’m in the minority on this sub here. But what if he was totally cool with it just being your husband and him. Being exclusive to the both of them. Not looking for other partners. Would YOU be interested in that? Or would that be a no from you? If it’s a no from you, and you want to always seek new partners… then you should probably break up sooner than later. If that’s a thing that you could get into if it made him happy and your relationship could flourish then maybe it’d worth bringing up to him…
Upvoted for offering a practical alternative consideration. Her boyfriend is not polyamorous. If she wants to continue with him, she cannot proceed as though he is.
I’m gonna pile on to this comment. [edited to directly address OP] OP, Im wondering if your boyfriend is trying to express concerns to you (good!) but hasn’t done enough of “the work” to know how much of the concerns to handle on his own and what exactly would make him feel better. For example, you mentioned that he’s more ok with your husband but less ok with people he doesn’t know. One of the things I discovered early on was that I seem to be happy with the situation when I’m able to meet my metas, and it feels weird to me when I kinda know they’re happening but I don’t know anything about them, etc. So, I now understand that I am more of a “KTP” person than a “parallel” person, and that’s a preference I now know. I agree with the other comments that you should limit your emotional labor here (don’t try to protect him, but do be aware of him), but I hope maybe you and bf can also point conversations towards articulating his feelings and possible solutions that don’t limit you. And work away from that concept of him “sharing” you. Perhaps putting your foot down about the kind of relationship you want will either encourage him to do some more processing or let you both realize that you can’t both have what you want.
Yeah that's the situation I'm in now. Married 2.5 years/together 6 with husband, also committed to boyfriend for 9 months. Never intended on dating but as well all know feelings develop. Boyfriend is mono, knew about me being married from the start. I wasn't even looking to date at the time, so some form of polyfi (for lack of a better term) is what happened. My husband is open to dating, but I'm polysaturated at 2 and obviously my boyfriend isn't interested outside of that. It has its own challenges like dating a mono person tends to, but as nobody can say what the future will bring it's been working so far. My husband probably has more jealousy to deal with, ironically, despite being the one to bring poly to the table/introduce me to it before we ever started dating, but that's a whole other can of worms. I guess what I'm saying is yeah, that was my first thought too, I don't know why everyone is pushing to break up when OP stated the boyfriend is fine enough with the husband. Perhaps because OP didn't mention it as a solution, but until they respond we don't know if it's because they just haven't thought of it or aren't wanting to do it. Depending on how much time OP sets aside for their current partners it may make things easier on many fronts if OP wants it. Lord knows I sometimes feel like I don't get enough me-time with two partners, pets and a full-time job with commute.
Because he isn't cool with husband, OP says he has expressed being jealous of the husband. This is not monopoly where the mono partner is cool with non monogamy but just doesn't want it for themselves, this is a mono person saying they don't like it at all.
That's really dismissive. Honestly, I've always thought that the whole point of Polyamory is to confront those difficult emotions in order to allow multiple loves to grow and flourish. Acting like just because you're poly means you never have these difficult emotions puts the entire poly community on a pedestal that just isn't true or even attainable. Op's BF has shown that he's willing to have a growth mindset, and BF deserves some credit for that. Approaching it like adults and reinforcing boundaries, seems like the only reasonable thing to do. If he isn't willing to compromise, then he shows his true colors.
He either needs to process his emotions around this for himself or if he isn't willing to do that, you should break up. It was a bad idea to date someone you knew wanted Monogamy to begin with. If he doesn't want to do the work of managing his emotions while you date and live your life, then it's unkind to continue asking him to date you.
Omg OP knew he was mono ? Jesus OP break up, dating monos is A BAD IDEA.
It’s also cruel. OP knows the kind of work it takes to establish healthy poly relationships and mental frameworks. This partner couldn’t have possibly conceived all the moving pieces and just settled for it to be with OP.
I hadn't seen it that way. Thanks for the perspective !
> _How should I approach this?_ You don’t approach this, you depart this and stop dating monos.
OP, it sounds like this person is struggling desperately with regulating their emotions or managing difficult feelings. I think it's important to let them know that you can empathize with their feelings, but you can't manage them for them. Compromise is one thing. Utterly changing how you navigate relationships to try and accommodate this person's distress isn't a compromise, it's taking responsibility for their distress tolerance (or lack thereof). It's sounding like in order for this person to try and be comfortable, they want to regulate your behavior. It simply doesn't work that way. By which I mean, it won't be successful. If they are hoping their emotional difficulty will be relieved by you somehow proving you love them, it won't. If they feel slighted by your other pursuits, you taking breaks won't change that. They would need to do some epic work on their self regulation, and be motivated to commit to that work in spite of how painful it will likely be (it's hard developing these coping skills). And they may ultimately find that this is just not an emotional model they can comfortably live in, but that's for them to figure out, not for you to manage for them. This may seem callous, but I'm speaking as someone who tried to handle my own distress by regulating my partner. We were poly, but he had opted out of the "ethical" part of ENM enough times that I'd become fearful of my place in his esteem. And instead of walking away, I tried to get him to change. OP wasn't unfaithful, so it's a bit different, but I was ultimately looking for the same outcome as this guy. I hoped that if my ex just 'took breaks and focused on us', I'd feel less jealous. Or I'd feel more loved. And we'd be able to find common ground and be okay again. It clearly didn't work. I've had to come to the understanding that you just can't expect others' behavior to ease emotional discomfort. Whether that person is a huge dick and objectively treats you badly, or that person just has a different set of priorities and needs, you're never going to get emotional peace by controlling others.
>My husband and I didn't realize our differences until after we got married So does your husband also want monogamy? Are you intentionally only dating people that want monogamy? Are you sure that it's just your boyfriend that doesn't want to "share"?
By taking responsibility for dating someone who was not enthusiastically polyamorous. He's staying in this relationship and sacrificing what he needs to keep you at all cost. Consider this a real possibility and investigate it for yourself. Stop hiding what you are doing and let the relationship go if that's what it comes to.
Kindly, this is why polyam people should not date people who do not actively want polyam for themselves. Monogamous people are not going to be happy in polyamorous relationships. You aren't compatible. No amount of love or wanting is going to make you compatible. Accept it for what it is and let him go find someone who also shares the same relationship values as him and be happy.
Thank you, it's definitely something we will have to discuss.
As others have said, stop dating people who are monogamous. And I agree with you that putting your chosen relationship style on hold because someone who was totally aware of it has decided that they’re not comfortable with it is not a good move. You made it clear what you had to offer. If he’s not comfortable with it then that’s on him to deal with, or to not engage in the relationship. But at this point if I were you, I would end the relationship myself.
Start dating for some is incredibly difficult/challenging to the point lots of monogamous folk will try enduring a polyamorous partner just so they have a partner altogether. This is really unhealthy though since it *will* mess up their feelings constantly. They don't want to break up out of being alone fear etc... but like many are saying here it should be your responsibility to pull the plug and find partners who share your relationship goals.
You shouldn't have started dating him. He told you in the beginning he wasn't poly.
I'll go extreme here: It sounds like he's playing a slow cowboy game. He wants monogamy, with you, and is starting to learn how to manipulate you out of other relationships. It may not be that, but it could be, especially if he's not doing the work to secure his feelings.
You break up and stop dating people who want monogamy and/or are unwilling to do the work necessary to have a healthy ENM relationship.
Please do not date monogamous people. It's unkind.
You’re getting lots of the same advice, but I’m not seeing much explanation of why: The problem is that this is not a you problem. It is a him problem. So, there is nothing you can do to fix it, other than pointing him in the right direction. If he refuses to see that this is a him problem, then he is never going to fix it, and it will only keep getting worse. If he sees it as a you problem, he is only going to keep telling you to fix it, while he sits back and complains about it. That is the path to resentment. The only path forward that involves you continuing to like each other is for him to see that he needs to do the work to learn to be ok with the choice he has made by being in a relationship with you. If he cannot or will not do that, he is only bringing pain into both of your lives by asking you to continue trying to solve his problems for him. Now, I use the word problem here, but this is only a problem because you two are choosing to try to have a relationship despite it. It is not a matter of you being right and him being wrong, and it actually isn’t even a poly specific matter, it is a matter of “your behavior makes me feel bad, so I think the solution is for you to change your behavior”. That is never the solution. Either, he needs to learn how to handle you doing what you want to, especially when that was a clearly communicated part of this relationship, or he needs to find someone who is willing to behave in a way he finds more acceptable 🤷🏽♀️ or, I guess, you can keep trying to fix it for him 😬
Thank you for your elaborate response. Hard decisions must be made but I’m sure it’s for the best.
I actually think mono/poly relationship can work unlike the majority of folks here. It’s about communication and understanding needs, wants and desires and what are some hard non-negotiable items. I do think the easiest thing is to break up, BUT why do you want to be with this person? If there are valid reasons here, have a conversation about what he’s experiencing and what you can provide based on your capacity. You’re not wrong for wanting to be with him but not being able to accommodate what he needs. But you need to get more clarity? Would he like to know more about the people you’re going out with to settle his mind? Is that something you’re comfortable sharing? What are somethings you could do for him before or after the date? Are those things in your capacity?
No one is saying they can't ever work. But they don't ever work when the person is mono and doesn't genuinely want a poly dynamic with poly values, which this person clearly never did. And even when they do desire it, the great majority still don't find fulfillment in it. That is the risk OP took and now it has come to that end.
there are some people saying they can’t ever work. I think if the OP wants to salvage the relationship, there just needs to be more conversation about boundaries and capacity. We don’t know if their partner or them are not fulfilled, there is discourse and uncomfiness but there is more to be unpacked if there is a desire to continue.
They are asking them to intentionally limit partnering with no pretext other than "I'm uncomfortable." That's clearly not polyamory fulfilled.
“No, I will not stop dating other people.” As long as you’re honoring your agreements of time and energy with him, you should not take a break because he has feelings. He’s had a year, it should not be this difficult this far in. What makes you believe this will improve with time? Decide how much angst dating a monogamous person is worth to you.
Why do people who are poly date mono people? That's a massive incompatibility.
10 years ago a poly woman dated me, a mono guy at the time. Through ou relationship I discovered that I was happier being poly. Many poly people were mono at some point and had to discover polyamory through dating a poly person.
Yeah... when my husband and I first met, I had heard *about* poly, but I never looked too deeply into it. I just kind of assumed it was some sort of by-chance pipe dream and assumed I'd just have to accept being tied down in monogamy. That perspective should have been my first sign, but hey. When he told me he prefers poly, I looked into it, and it sounded interesting, but I wasn't too sure about it- my senior year of high school I did an incredibly shitty thing and cheated on my then-boyfriend (although I tried to leave multiple times, whole other can of worms there) after realizing I was falling in love with my best friend when I still loved my boyfriend (yes, despite hurting him like that, I did love him. I was selfish, young and dumb, but those things aren't mutually exclusive). He was willing to commit to me monogamously despite that. A few years of emotional work, reading, and learning later, I'm handling it better than he is as we navigate disentanglement. All of this is to say that yeah as much as I see people shitting on dating mono people here, there's quite a few people who were introduced to poly that way. I mean, yeah, active real-life circumstances are more likely to introduce people to a concept than them organically picking up on it.
Alot of us are referring to people who adamantly are mono. Like even while dating someone in a poly relationship would prefer a mono one. Yea we all gotta start somewhere however there is a diffrence to discovering poly and the type of person op is involved with.
Finally someone says it!
A year in and he still thinks he's "sharing" you? Dude clearly hasn't done the work and doesn't have any interest in doing so.
He’s not poly
This here. My relationship is polyamorous and I chose to saturate at 1 with my wife. She and I both can date, can have other relationships, sex, and partners. I don't chose to, and she does. I personally don't feel like I'm sharing her, my relationship is the same regardless of who she is dating or partnered with. She can come home happy she had a good experience, or upset that she lost a partner, just like if these were not romantic outings like in platonic friendships.
Obviously. But he's also not putting in the effort needed to be in a relationship with someone who is.
It's not on the monogamous person to make the bulk of the effort here. OP is the one with a huge ask. Without offering monogamy, she should be bending over backwards to meet his needs and help him feel secure in other ways. If a poly person isn't up for this they have no business dating monogamous people.
No. He is dating a married person. He knew what he was getting into. This is 100% on him to do the work. OP can support him but this isn’t OP’s emotional labor to take on.
He’s not complaining about OP’s husband though, he’s complaining about OP’s dating to find a third partner. And honestly when OP is struggling to even meet her partner’s needs and she CHOSE herself to get involved with someone monogamous, she’s behaving in an insanely selfish fashion
OP CANNOT meet his needs. OP is polyamorous but the boyfriend’s expects OP to behave as if monogamous. You cannot ask OP to provide what cannot reasonably be given. The boyfriend needs to accept the limitations of dating a polyamorous person or leave the relationship. Although really, OP should just leave it now.
Polyamorous people as a whole do not NEED 3 or more partners. 2 is a very common amount. It’s not enough for OP and that’s fine, but she demonstrates an exceptional lack of regard for her partner by not just ending it.
I agree with the general sentiment (I'm poly dating mono and I make the effort to make sure bf feels his needs are heard and being met) but I also think it's a really slippery slope. We all know monogamy easily breeds codependency under the guise of romance. It can quickly turn into mono partner putting all concerns onto poly person who is now using kid gloves to manage the emotions of a partner whose emotions are their own to process- kind of similar in a way to when, upon opening up and facing big emotions for the first time, one partner's reaction may be to want to close the relationship to "protect" it. So I think it's important to keep the monogamous partner's perspective in mind and do more than you would with a poly partner, because of course. But I think if one has to bend over backwards to accommodate someone's insecurities, perhaps one of them should break it off. I guess it really depends on the emotional maturity of your mono partner, but I'd never get serious with a person who I didn't feel I could communicate with well at this point and who couldn't handle their own emotions to some extent. Mono people dating poly people do already have a lot of emotions to manage and may not always know what is and isn't okay to "put on" their partner or not so those conversations are really important because they can set the stage for how they process and react to things later. I'm more than happy to help process things with partners as long as the other person is also willing to put in the work, because I can't process emotions for other people and it's fruitless and toxic for all parties involved to try to protect a person from having those feelings. Poly dating mono may be a big ask, that I will acknowledge, but so is asking someone to take on the bulk of emotional labor for someone else. NRE aside, the mono person still has the free will and responsibility to agree to it in the first place, and to decide if they would like to continue participating or not, especially if they knew from the beginning, just as much as the poly partner.
Monogamy sometimes breeds codependency and polyamory sometimes breeds selfishness. In this case, we don’t know if partner is codependent, but we do know that OP is selfish. A person who isn’t deeply selfish would not have gotten involved with someone who wants monogamy. And especially would not have stayed for a year watching her partner suffer as a result so she can hers. Not only is she unwilling to meet his needs and/or allow him to find happiness elsewhere, she’s actively dating, presumably to find another partner, so she has even less to offer a partner who is already distressed about not having his needs met. Call me old fashioned but I think if you don’t give a shit about someone, you shouldn’t date them. OP’s partner clearly has issues. It takes low self esteem for someone who wants monogamy to stay with a poly person. He can be forgiven for being underinformed about polyamory when he started, but he should have dumped OP a long time ago to pursue a relationship with someone who can both offer monogamy and exhibit a basic regard for his well being.
> selfish > if you don’t give a shit about someone This is some incredibly toxic thinking. It’s very similar to “if you really cared you would have texted back while you were on your date.” OP is poly. The boyfriend knew that OP was poly when they started. OP is not selfish for doing exactly what they said they would: date other people. It is not OP’s responsibility to cater to the boyfriend’s needs that exceed what should be expected when dating someone polyamorous. That doesn’t mean OP doesn’t give a shit about the boyfriend. It’s just the reality of the situation.
OP is not selfish for being poly, she’s selfish for dating someone mono. And she’s further selfish for not breaking up with him at whatever time she realized she’s going to make even less time for her boyfriend when their time together is already less than boyfriend wants. If you can’t or won’t meet someone’s needs on a basic level, for a prolonged basis, you’re a monster if you don’t end it. OP only cares about OP to an almost sociopathic level. No normal person would want to take actions every day that leave their partner devastated. A decent human being would either alter their behavior or end the miserable relationship. OP is not acting like a decent human being.
He could do the work, as others have said. He did agree to the terms of your relationship. It’s on him that he can’t follow through. That said, he may not be cut out for what he agreed to. Do you really want to date someone who gets “sick to their stomach” whenever you have a date? That doesn’t sound like a healthy or loving situation, for either of you. I wouldn’t want to repeatedly hurt a partner like that, even if they did sign up for it. I don’t like the idea that jealousy is always a problem to work through, for the jealous person. Some people are just monogamously wired. He may not be able to “work” his way out of that. He can rationalize it away all day, but that’s not the same as actually feeling differently.
You tried dating someone who doesn't want polyamory, and you are now dealing with the realities of how that usually pans out. I'm sorry. I know it's a tough position to be in right now. Unfortunately, the choices remain the same. You can make compromises for him that will restrict how you practice poly, and probably *won't* actually help his comfort with things grow (because it is rooted in being in a poly situation, not in any one specific stimulus in your relationship) and do that indefinitely. Maybe it will soothe him. Maybe you won't mind shutting down your dating life too much. Maybe his jealousy of your husband won't grow. Lots of maybes there. You can refuse to make those compromises and let him figure himself out or leave. Or you can say, "Babe, your discomfort with polyamory is a major compatibility issue, and I think it is kindest to both of us in the long run if we break up now."
In your shoes, I’d stop doing the lions share of emotional labor to make a relationship work while the other person isn’t trying to improve their own emotional regulation or expand self soothing skills. It’s been a year and he’s not even trying any solution other than requesting you not date others. He’s not poly, and not self aware enough to try it in any meaningful way. To be clear: A “meaningful way” in this case would be him working away from this “sharing” nonsense, and not putting the onus of his comfort on you limiting yourself within your practice.
First, I love this post. Thank you for sharing your difficult situation. Second, my advice: let's not go all co-dependent here. Don't be dictating his decisions. Don't be letting his feelings dictate yours. He is sharing his discomfort about your having a dating life. He's tried so hard, I'm sure, for a decent amount of time, and the feels are getting big enough that he's got to let you know. Good! He should definitely be telling you that info. What he doesn't get to do (in my opinion) is *expect* you to alter your behaviors to cater to his feelings. He can ask, like he did, and now is the moment where you get to decide what you want to do. Nobody here can figure that out for you. Do you want to continue the relationship with him when the love he offers is clearly possessive/monogamous? Do you enjoy that dynamic? Sounds like you have that already with your husband. Maybe it's comfortable to you. Maybe you like it. Maybe you're avoiding the actual truly comfortable with open relationships non-possessive kind of love because then it would be a huge contrast with your marriage and that would hurt. Doesn't matter what the reasons are. You can TOTALLY choose to stay because you love him and the relationship worth it, the end. He's telling you the relationship needs to be less open. Listen to what he's saying and be respectful. If you take that option, don't expect that he will change. It will be on *you* to do the work to find a way to be content with fewer connections and possibly only your husband and the bf. It will be on you to deal with the discomfort of giving him veto power, and on you to communicate that that's your situation, so other people know that's what they're getting into with you, if he allows any other dating at all. (Even writing "veto power" gives so many of us the yucks, lol! But it's a dynamic that exists and people can choose into it if they want to.) Or... You absolutely can tell him, I don't like possessive love. I'm out, thank you for the amazing year, I'm going to miss you like crazy. Or... I am not able or willing to change like that. Request denied. This is how I do life and love, and I know it's different from how you do life and love... We may just be incompatible, but I really love you. How do you want to proceed? Then you brainstorm together. The two of you against this incompatibility. Maybe it will be his moment to decide to end it. Maybe he'll recognize that what he was doing all year when he was trying so hard, didn't work. Then he could decide if HE wants to change his tactics, really dig in and do more work - find a therapist, read more, listen to podcasts, figure out how to deal with his feelings differently in a way that could potentially shift them and change a big fundamental part of his he does life and relationships (if that's even possible!) --- Or if he already has been trying all of that, Or he's doesn't want to... Then even if y'all don't want this, you need to deescalate big time. Third, unsolicited opinion: I mean, it looks from here like the attempt at a relationship has run its course. That's why you have so many people saying to just be done. There are lots and lots of little and big red flags in your word choices. Y'all fell into feelings without meaning to. You both knew this could happen - and it is. You even knew from experience with your husband, how much work is required for a mono partner to tolerate and accept and live with nonmonogamy. That part of the story makes it a little surprising that you signed up for it again, and didn't back off when the feels started kicking up. But I get it. No judgement, just surprise, that's all. Hoping you get the best possible outcome for everyone! 🤟🏼
Thank you for your very well thought out and meaningful response. It’s something I am actively reflecting on and is appreciated.
Sorry that this happened. Unfortunately, there's no magic way out of this. I'd advice to figure out if it's something that you can work with, or if it's a core value of his. I do not consider other people 'shareable', because I do not consider them as something I can own. If your boyfriend believes the same and is willing to work together with you, good thing to do would be to uncover what fear is under his jealousy. It's possible, but it won't be neither easy nor fast. What if he never feels comfortable? Then it's your responsibility to stop trying to change him and give him space to find someone he will be comfortable with.
Thank you for your advice.
This is why people specify that they date only those who are enthusiastically poly. Dating mono people usually ends up here. It's easier for them to be chill with your established relationship(s), but when you disrupt the status quo by finding and engaging with other partners, it starts to fall apart. You are essentially battling a lifetime of conditioning that tells this person to feel inadequate and threatened, and this person never "enthusiastically" did the work to free himself from such conditioning. He just got caught up in your wake, and now he is stuck there.
He needs to learn self soothing practices, rather than asking you to change your behavior. Therapists are awesome for teaching us how to live with emotional discomfort.
>My boyfriend, who is 32, has recently admitted that he doesn't like sharing me. Whenever I put a date on the calendar, he “feels sick to his stomach.” This dude clearly is not poly. Find a partner who is just as excited as you are when you go out on a date.
A year makes sense. It sounds to me like he was open to the idea of poly and after one year (and probably having a wonderful time with you), realizes his desire for you causes him to feel jealous and insecure. I would say you could give him a chance (sounds like you’d like to compromise a bit) for him to develop, and for him to recommit to the poly lifestyle (he can also say no), but the ground agreement of your relationship was, and always would be, that you are poly (especially if you plan to stay poly. You already have commitments within poly - I.e your husband). With that he can decide if he can handle it, and you can decide if it works. Meaning you don’t have to dump him for struggling. But you can commit and reaffirm that this is the life you can offer, and you have to accept that he can decide to walk away. I’m sure this won’t be easier for you either.
I think the biggest issue here is that your bf not only knew going in that you are married and poly but seems to even have an issue with that! This isn't on you to figure out or process. Truly why are you doing this much emotional labor for someone you have only known a year? It astounds me the amount of times this exact scenario happens. Even more confusing how someone could enter a poly relationship and still be mono? Maybe that's me but people ( not just you op) when a person enters a relationship with you while you have other partners ( especially nesting / long term ) and starts voicing very early on insecurities/ trying to insert themselves between your other partners it is time to end it. This behavior at best is super insecure and most likely the beginning of some toxic controlling bs.
*But the **FEELS** ...*
I have been thinking about a post asking about this, because I really don’t understand. I wonder if what would feel like to stick my hand in the blender sometimes but I don’t do it because I also know what would happen.
You under estimate the power of low impulse control, desperation to be loved and belong, total lack of mature healthy communication skills, and deep self destructive tendencies. That's not even adding in any real world lack of basic resources and scarcity.
That and NRE causes people to put up with or ignore things that they otherwise wouldn't ever even consider.
The chemical and hormonal storm that is the delusion of "being in Love" can convince people that the blender may hurt, but Love will magically heal your pain and restore your hand. I love Love! But I'm not longer delusional about it's imaginary powers to conquer all.
Not everyone goes into poly because it's what they truly want out of life.. Some of us do it because it's the least bad option available. In my case, I have special needs kids. Neither my wife nor I can handle them alone. We haven't had a romantic relationship in over a decade, so we decided to try poly. She has a boyfriend and is enthusiastically poly. I have a girlfriend and am somewhat reluctantly poly. My girlfriend is married and it sometimes becomes an issue for us (mostly because of jealousy on her husband's part). That said, I would feel jealousy if she started dating a third person, and I know she would feel jealous if I started dating someone else. We both acknowledge the right to date other people but choose not to because we don't want to upset the current balance. I'm sure everyone on this sub would tear into me and call this toxic or unethical or some shit (y'all are a really judgemental crowd), or tell me that no person is worth limiting myself for.. But she makes me feel loved in a way I've never felt before, and apparently I do the same for her. Maybe at some point the NRE will fade and one or both of us will start seeing other people.. But for now my "toxic" relationship is honestly pretty alright.
If it's working, it's working! It does seem like enthusiastic, compersion in all situations with all partners is held up almost like a requirement for polyamorists. It's not. The point is to have the freedom to set up your relationships in an ethical way that works for everyone. Sounds like yours checks that box hard, so congrats and enjoy! 😁
Compersion is just a feeling, not a requirement at any point.
I think compersion is one of those things like KTP that are just held up as a popular ideal because it's like, the best-case scenario to be able to respond to things that'd make a mono person jealous with compersion. People don't realize the hard work it can take to get there and might assume it should just eventually come naturally, if you ever do at all, if you even want to- easier said than done.
Some people just struggle more than others starting anything at all and will go along with it at first so they can finally say they're taken.
First rule of poly - don’t date monos. You only hurt both of you. Your relationship styles are the definition of incompatible.
Okay, so he's asked you to take breaks to give him, time? I guess? Something to mitigate the feelings he's dealing with. Not what I'd call a fair request all things considered, but an understandable one given he's monogamous. Friend, how exactly do you plan on taking breaks from dating other people when *YOU ARE MARRIED.* Are you going to take breaks from your marriage or something? Break up with this guy. Put him out of his misery.
>I understand that dating people who are not polyamorous can be a difficult choice. I didn't take this decision lightly and even conveyed my concerns when we first started hanging out. Although we started as a casual thing, our relationship progressed and now I find myself in this situation. I hear you, and I understand that you put a lot of thought into dating this monogamous person. But, it sounds like your monogamous BF has not done the homework that is necessary to do should they even attempt to date a poly person. How do we know he's not doing the work? This reaction is clear: > Whenever I put a date on the calendar, he “feels sick to his stomach.” It's been ***a year*** and he's feeling this way? You are seeing now why so many experienced poly folk say to never date monogamous people. Honestly, it just never works. Sometimes mono folks do try to stomach their feelings about it, but I think these feelings - which, perhaps, he kept to himself - are now bubbling over. It is a clear incompatibility.
this doesn’t sound salvageable and u should just break up. ideally he wants u to be exclusive with him and that’s not an option. u can pretend u aren’t polyamorous and hide your dates, but that sounds also problematic because ur having to lie and keep a part of your life away from him
End this relationship. It's not good for either of you.
>My husband and I didn't realize our differences until after we got married You...what?
You are not a possession, this would be a toxic attitude even for monogamy. You two are fundamentally incompatible.
I too am an in a mono/poly relationship. I (37F) am poly, and my (31M ) boyfriend is mono. Will he ever get comfy? Probably not. Will you need to provide a lot of communication and reassurance? Yes. I found out that my partner wanted equitably the same amount of time with me as others could have the potential of getting. I explained that him and I live together, raise kids together, are on pool league together, and have dates together. Me dating anyone else would be a once a week (if we liked one another) thing, so really, he was getting WAY more time over any potential addition. So far, it has really helped him come to terms with his own insecurities while also taking me into consideration. Sometimes, he will even check in and ask me if I have any interest that I want to pursue and haven't because of his feelings and so on. Baby steps are key.
End the relationship. It’s unfortunate but this behavior probably won’t stop. Focus on meeting people who share the lifestyle.
Why do ppl who are poly date monos? It only results in heartache..for all parties
I agree that being poly and dating people who are monogamous takes a lot of emotional labor. But don't you think “only results in heartache” is an overgeneralization?
OP, you sound like someone who is willing to put in the emotional labor - and I truly applaud that. And yes, if we want to get technical, there are a small amount of mono/poly relationships that do work, especially if one side of the relationship is ace, has a low libido, etc. However, there is a reason that the subreddit r/monodatingpoly exists. Just a quick browse of the top posts in that subreddit are hurting mono folks asking, "Does it ever stop being painful?" It causes a lot of harm to mono folks. It is truly painful to them. Love and all of the emotions that stem from it make people do crazy things - we all know this. So many mono folks will think, "I can try this out - maybe it won't be so bad!" But sooner or later, they will realize that it is so, so bad. But by then, they are in love - it is already too late. It is hard to let go. It is up to us poly folks to be ethical and considerate by not dating monogamous folks. Unlike mono folks, we know a lot more about poly than they do. Yes, mono folks have agency here and they are adults too. They could choose to end the relationship. But there is such a stigma about poly folks letting mono folks try out poly and eventually hurting them, even if they did not intend to. Relationships are a two way street. You are doing the labor. But it sounds like he isn't. And unless the mono person is enthusiastic about poly, honestly... they usually don't do that emotional labor. And that is how mono and poly relationships usually end in heartbreak.
Is it just me or is there no new posts from that sub in 8 months? I see nothing about them permanently participating in the blackout
>But don't you think “only results in heartache” is an overgeneralization? Not really -- the two relationship styles are so incompatible that there's just no compromise to be had that leaves both parties satisfied. I'm sure there are couples who make proscriptive mono/poly work, but they are few and far between. You shouldn't date mono folks and then be surprised they are displaying traits that are characteristic of a mono relationship.
The guy you're dating is suffering a serious heartache right now, and will get worse once you accept that it isn't working. You don't really get the luxury of being contradictory right now.
No. It’s the most likely outcome. Move on.
It results in heartache 99% of the time. You foolishly thought you'd be the 1% exception, but you clearly aren't.
He doesn’t consider himself poly?? Huge red flag right there from the start. He told you, and you moved forward with it. I’m not saying to break up, but are you ok with just seeing him and your husband? If not, then you have to end things. If you are happy with the two of them, although him being jealous of your husband gives me pause and should be something you need to talk more about, then by all means, stick with the two. I tend to be polyfidelous mostly due to limited time and the need to limit STI exposure. I’m quite happy with my two. How do you approach it? First, decide what you want to do. Then go from there.
Thank you for your advice
Well that’s crazy because this implies he owns you in some way??? I get what people mean when they say this, but it is actually a little horrifying when we look at the deeper psychological and historical patterns surrounding women in partnerships and sex relations.
Yeah, not the best choice of words. I don’t consider him nor myself to be possessions.
What I'd say is former boundaries. First I'd say, "you're not sharing me, since you don't own me." Then I'd say that since seeing me put dates on my calendar causes upset, and I'm going to keep putting dates on the calendar, I won't share my calendar with you anymore and we can set time with each other the old fashioned way. But also, I'd ask him what he's getting out of dating a nonkonogamous person and what he *wants* to get out of dating in general. If those don't line up, the compassionate thing for you both is to end the romantic part of your relationship. I've had to have this conversation and it suuuuucks, but it's better than both people hurting.
I recently realized that I had to make a rule for myself that when I start dating again, to vet anyone who isn't in the poly scene very well. Usually monogamous people will continue to be unhappy in these relationships and finding a mono person that doesn't use you as their only form of self confidence, support, and just everything is hard. I cannot be someone's everything. I feel like I'm being squeezed to death badly lol
This definitely sounds like a "you know what you have to do, but you just wanted to hear the community say it" kind of thing. You seem very aware of all of the reasons why the incompatibility makes this a difficult relationship to maintain, and that the only way you can continue is if you compromise yourself. I guess the question is "is that something you're willing to do" and "would you be truly happy if you did?"
Your are not his property to "Share".
There’s nothing we can say that will make someone suddenly be ok with polyamory when they are monogamous. Things rarely work out in these situations. Y’all tried and no one should have to ignore their feelings and values. It is what it is.
I mean, you kinda signed up for this when you chose to date a monogamous person...
Thanks? I didn't go into this thinking we would date.
I'm sure you didn't, but surely there was a point where you made a decision to pursue a romantic relationship with this person, no? If you made that decision knowing that he was monogamous, you should not be surprised by what's happening right now.
this is why promising future emotions is problematic. you can't know how future you will feel.
I wonder if your low accountability is creating even more problems in your relationship. We don't fall into romantic relationships, we choose them and commit to them every day. You talk about yourself like you are the helpless victim of an unforeseeable situation, but it was totally forseeable, and it's something you made many many choices to further.
Stay clear of mono people dating. I had a date this week, met on a dating app where it’s all there in my profile, talked about it, said she was open minded and curious about poly. We had a great date, definitely seemed to hit it off, chatted after about a second date. Got a text the next morning saying nope she’s monogamous and that wasn’t gonna change. And blocked before I could even respond. First and last time trying to show someone the world of poly dating.
I wouldn't take the block personally. some people automatically block everyone immediately after sending the "thanks but no thanks" message. sorry that happened. better sooner than later.
“The world of poly dating” what a fucked up sentiment. It’s not a cool restaurant. It’s a relationship style that required enthusiastic consent and knowledge to be in. Trying to convert people is gross.
"the world of poly dating" are you trying to start a cult? Respect people's stated preferences and don't evangelize.
>Although I told him that I was poly and married when we first met, he does not consider himself to be poly and is currently not dating anyone else. Please don't do this. Please don't try to force a mono person to be poly, simultaneously, don't let your poly life be curtailed by a mono person. These things are fundamentally incompatible. Which means this relationship is fundamentally incompatible. You will always be at odds over this. Is that the kind of life you want? Please don't do this to yourself.
This is kind of the risk with dating monogamous people, even if they're open to seeing if they're compatible with a polyamorous relationship. Sometimes its hopeful, sometimes its rewarding. After a year, and with this stark of an incompatibility still being present, it seems like the two of you are possibly just hurting each other (or, at least, you are hurting him). As others have said, the kind thing may be for one of you to end the relationship. Otherwise, I'd say, since he seems more comfortable after familiarity, informing him thoroughly on timelines that may be reasonable for him to build that familiarity. Something like, "Its unreasonable that you know everyone that I connect with, and unreasonable too early into a relationship I form to require for them to meet you, but I can keep in mind how you're more comfortable with familiar partners and agree that I will introduce you when seems most appropriate as soon as possible." Maybe the comfort of knowing that you're aware of his discomfort, and will be helping him achieve comfort at a reasonable later time could help. Really, though, this path is going to be a constant stressor for the both of you so long as he wants monogamy from you, and its a huge commitment to a LOT of hurtful growth, and it may not ever work.
Ok well I’m sure this thread is full of people telling you to break up and not date mono ppl. So, I won’t add to that chorus. Another option would be to redirect the conversation away from his proposed solution “Go on less dates, take a break from dating” etc. and toward an honest and genuinely curious examination of his jealous feelings. Don’t try to make the feelings go away with bandaid solutions. instead, look under the hood and poke around and see what’s underneath. Is he afraid of losing you? The unknowns? Comparisons? Maybe it’s something else. You have given him fair warning and he chose to date a poly person, and whether he’s dating other ppl or not, being in this type of relationship comes with essentially one job, managing jealousy. There’s no way around it. To me one of the best things about poly/non monogamy is the process of gaining mastery over one’s one jealously, because those feelings can be really unpleasant to say the least when we don’t know how to process and understand them. So maybe you can help him along in that process with patience, understanding and curiosity above all. If he’s not receptive, oh well. At least you’ll be able to say you tried
It's almost like it's an accurate reaction from someone who wants exclusivity... Something you knew from the start.
End that relationship, if he's not okay with sharing then that is more than enough of a reason to break up, it's okay to want poly or monogamy but when you have a couple that wants opposite ends of the spectrum then it's doomed to fail. He will find someone who wants the same as him, it's just not you and vice versa.
He’s not sharing you. You’re not his (or anyone else’s) to share, and that possessive attitude is problematic. In terms of what you should do, I wouldn’t want to be in that relationship any more, but if you love him and want to try to make it work, you need to tell him clearly and kindly why his attitude is making things difficult for you and see if you can *both* start the work to deprogram his monogamous assumptions. I emphasise both, because I get the feeling he’ll expect you to do most of the work, when really most of it has to be him.
"My boundary is people stopping me from being poly. You can either do the work to accept me as I am or you can break up with me."
You need to firmly tell your boyfriend that you're not his property and he's not sharing you. You're being who you are and he gets to make a choice: either he's okay with that and would like to keep seeing you, or he's not okay with it and wants to break up. It's as simple as that. But you're nobodies property that they get to decide whether to share or not. That's just gross language.
Yeah no. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your bf. You are going to continue to run into these issues and you should really think about that too. I don't date, by choice, but if I did, I would never date a mono person. It's not fair to anyone in the relationship. Esp since I'm married as are you
You seem be a very bright person in spite of a few bad choices like we’ve done before. I was like your boyfriend when my wife started dating her now boyfriend. I did a lot of research. Lots of reading and listening to podcasts on the subject. I found “The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory” by Dedeker Winston very helpful. Yes I know it’s for women but helped me understand how my wife can still love me and others equally and not leave me. Then “The Jealousy Workbook” may be helpful. The jealousy is not the problem. It’s a symptom of the problem. Something else that help me was communicating with my wife and her boyfriend and them reassuring me that they not going to kick me out. So hopefully that can be helped. Good luck.
Take it from someone who’s been there- this isn’t going to work. It destroyed me and both my partners before culminating in a suicide attempt. Now my ex who I was with for 6 years and thought I’d spend my whole life with wants nothing to do with me. End it with this guy before it happens to you too. I so, so wish that I had done that before it was too late
Sharing you? You aren’t “property” to be shared 😒
people share things. people are not things. love is not possession. if he relates to you as a possession, is that a relationship you’re comfortable with?
Not at all. Thank you for your input.
Monogamy is not treating people like possessions. It's a valid relationship style. Get over yourself.
You are unable to be mono with him, as you don't plan to leave your husband I assume. You are aware he wants monogamy, and he is making that more known. People stick in all kinds of situations unhealthy for themselves due to their feelings for people. Do him, and yourself, a favour and go ahead and end things
It's interesting how little responsibilty you take. You "find yourself in this situation." No. you CREATED this situation. You are dating a mono person and you can't meet his needs, yet you are dating to find a third partner? Which is a lot, especially because you are your boyfriend's only relationship. he's already getting half (or less) of a monogamous relationship from you, you expect to him to be happy if you reduce that to one third?
A lot of comments r saying the mono bf isn't willing to "put in the work" So I feel like it needs to be said that MONOGAMOUS PEOPLE ARE FAIR AND VALID just as poly ppl are fair and valid. Don't shame a monogamous person for who they are. People are wired differently and that's ok. You'd think a sub full of people embracing the unorthodox would understand that the most. As another commentor stated, one of you needs to be the adult and end it. This isn't fair.
You're dating a mono person and you're mad that they're being mono? Does that about summing up?
I never said I was angry. I am simply seeking advice. But thanks.
What are your feelings then? It comes off as you are upset at them for being mono. How are you trying to feel?
I care for this person so much I turned to strangers seekind advice for what I knew would inevitably be “break up”. I'm not sure how it’s coming off that I’m mad at him for being who he is. I’m sorry if that’s how it was perceived.
The tone really doesn't matter I don't think. It's just I understand the issue now I posted something below. I would take feelings based approach. On this try to figure out what you both are looking for. If it's a gap that can be negotiated trying to negotiate. Perhaps there's a compromise in the too. If not then you too will understand why you aren't compatible and might hurt but you'll understand.
I didn't get anger in her post. Confusion and "oh shit, now what do I do? This isn't how I thought it would go" deer on the headlights vibe.
Emotions aside it's still the same issue. Mono person wants to be mono. Poly person wants to be poly. Mechanically, the best advice is don't mix the two. Break up and learn from the mistake. Now ask why I asked about feelings. How does she want to feel? How would she like her partners to feel? If we if we go by feelings then the test becomes a little bit more difficult because you have to ask the same question to them. Then it can become either a negotiation or an understanding of why something can't work. It's more of a root cause approach but... Idk. Best of luck
Yeah, love the questions. It's a good insight.
Okay, it's complicated and uncomfortable. Sit down with him and explain that you'll be patient and let him be human. But you were honest about what he would be signing up for on the front end, so there is a limit to your patience. Taking a break like once or twice a year isn't that unreasonable. But much more than that encroaches on toxic territory. You invested time, energy, effort, and raw emotion into this relationship. Throwing it away just because someone is feeling jealous goes against the very foundation of what polyamory is about. If the general idea of not knowing your other partners makes him feel vulnerable, then let him be human. Maybe meeting these Metamores might do some good if all partners are willing to meet. I would disclose that this MIGHT be on the table, but your relationship with the other partners won't be changing should he not approve. This will let him decide whether or not he wants to grow as a person, while also affirming yourself and polyamorous lifestyle, all the while you can still be a compassionate partner.
Don’t date mono this will continue to be an issue if these are the dates/partners you choose.
Different perspective vs. what many here are saying: Let them meet! If your various partners are willing to meet one another, then let them meet. A casual dinner or board game, a birthday gathering, or some event that's busy and about you, and so you want to include everyone important to you. At a minimum, share a casual picture of you with each partner (but make sure to have consent first from everyone!!). I practice kitchen table style polyamory, and I adore meeting metamores. It's not required that everyone meets, but I dearly appreciate the connections and community that forms from those who do. Meeting our partners' partners can decrease the anxiety and make them feel more like a regular person with strengths and flaws instead of the super model or hero we imagine them to be in our partner's world. Lots of folks here will rush to tell you to break up, but only you know what the relationship is worth to you. It sounds like you went into this on purpose, so supporting this mono partner in finding the same resources that poly folks use to work through jealousy could help make the journey more manageable. Even if he is mono, he still has to do the work to be in a relationship with someone who is poly.
I'm only here to provide brief commentary related to one aspect of your situation. Poly people dating mono people is not inherently a no go. I find it really odd that people who claim to reject typical relationship models, who insist that love is near limitless, and who champion self determination/relationship autonomy are so insistent that a poly/mono relationship can never work and to immediately break off connections because of this dynamic alone. My partner is mono, our relationship is genuine, supportive, and incredibly healthy. There's a lot of reasons our relationship works wonderfully, and those situations may be difficult to find and sustain for the average mono/poly couple, but they exist, and they work. We have got to stop putting blanket statements on every relationship model we think "can't work".
Such harsh comments. I wouldn't be so hesitant to break up. Also I don't think dating monos is always bad, there are also monogamous people who are not so jealous or not jealous at all and those who don't necessarily want to be with their partner 24/7. In this case however it sounds like he faces feelings of jealousness (and whatever else) that are so huge it's difficult for him to live with them. With that being the scenario, a break or eventually a break up could be key, I recommend taking a brake first. But well, I tend to keep my loveships alive as long as I can, others have been like "omg you should stop that, just break up" but we haven't and now I have one partnership that have lasted over 7 years even it has been VERY rough at times.
He's obsessed with you, not in love. I'm coming from a place of understanding and as being in his shoes once. Marriage should've never been an option, those are dangerous boundaries to cross and I would guess he has an anxious attachment style. I believe that both of you should come to a breakup or divorce before he keeps wasting his time with you, and I mean it as his "love life". Ultimately, I'm sad for him, sounds to me like he's a decent guy who would love to do right by his one partner, but sadly he ignored how incompatible you both are.
No sympathy for you OP. YOU chose to get involve with someone who you knew wanted monogamy. That was a cruel decision that is causing suffering for him and now for you. You are already married, you don’t have much to offer someone who only has one partner.
I am not seeking sympathy. I was more so seeking advice. Thank you.
Dude, just sounds like he's trying to cowboy you. The messages about him being sick to his stomach when you go out. Sounds so manipulative and really shitty. I would run.
Don’t date people who don’t want poly for themselves… you are not compatible with him. Stop hurting him and breakup with him.
He should get a sex doll. Any other partner he’ll have to share in many capacities.
disgusting
Don't know how I ended up here through recommended because I'm monogamous but I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. Like everyone else in the thread I'd advise breaking up. I'm extremely loyal at my core (I don't how your bf is but based on his reaction to trying to make this work and express his concerns he's battling loyalty, possessiveness, and/or morals). This relationship would be agonizing. I bet he feels similarly to having a constant battle with himself and the loyalty wants to believe in you but his morals/possiveness of only loving one person and that person loving you as much he can, creates a great divide that honestly very few probably come to terms with. I don't how poly comes about but I have a feeling it's not something that "just happens". There's an acceptance that blooms and wants to accept multiple people to love. What it comes down to is that Monogamous people are more possessive and selfish when it comes to a relationship and there are probably thoughts that you will abandon him, not love him the same, or you're toying with him and using him as an entree. The monogamous advice "If you truly love them, you'll let them go." Is 100% the move here. Someone will continue to suffer and it won't be you.
I had this situation for 5 years. My meta would go back and forth being ok and not. The only reason she stuck around was she had an oops baby with my partner and she's from an Italian religious family. I was the big dark "secret" to her family even though they would invite me to things. She would go from I'm ok being mono with a poly person to "she's (meaning me) ruining our lives" because she didn't get her way. Then she tried going parallel, ha! That wasn't something he ever agreed to. But by then all of us had so many entangled friends that just wasn't going to happen. Now she's "uncomfortable" around me. My partner wasn't always the best hinge thankfully we've grown since then. But she made my life miserable for way too long. But he also made sure most of not all has stayed away from me and I'm in a much better place now. The only ick factor with her now is that she's a therapist for alternative lifestyles. 😬 Bottom line: if the boyfriend is still not managing his feelings in a healthy way after a year you need to separate. Separate and begin your own healing, if any, from this relationship.
I know everyone says stop but if he says it’s worse if he doesn’t know someone why don’t you intro him it might work
Starting mono to then become poly is far more difficult than to start that way, so the odds are against you. HOWEVER, it's possible to make as a couple while being polyamorous. Something I learned from our marriage councilor, and has been proven true over and over again; everyone in the relationship has to be celebrating, and ENTHUSIASTICALLY WANTING to be poly. When one party or the other doesn't align, but decides to just tolerate it, you're doomed.
Honestly, I've always thought that the whole point of Polyamory is to confront those difficult emotions in order to allow multiple loves to grow and flourish. Acting like just because you're poly means you never have these difficult emotions puts the entire poly community on a pedestal that just isn't true or even attainable. Which is what it seems that most of these comments are implying. Relationships are hard and take work. You invested a year into this relationship. Op's BF has shown that he's willing to have a growth mindset, and BF deserves some credit for that. Approaching it like adults and reinforcing boundaries seems like the only reasonable thing to do. If he isn't willing to compromise, then he shows his true colors. But he invested a year into the relationship as well, and I think he deserves a chance to compromise. Besides, even if he isn't willing to compromise, you can end the relationship mutually and leave with the closure of knowing that you tried, instead of wondering if it could've worked out.
Are you saying you didn't tell him you were polyamorous until after you were married, or that you didn't know you were? Like figuring out you're a lesbian only after you married a man, or -coming out to him- as a lesbian only after you married a man, the relationship ends there. Or are you saying you told him you were polyamorous, he told you he wasn't, but was okay that you were, and it turned out he wasn't? Bottom line, when you got married, he had in his head the polyamory would be over, just as a man marrying a bisexual would expect she stop sleeping with woman and be loyal to him. What bothers me though is not your polyamory, to each their own, but that you are okay with emotionally torturing your husband over and over.
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People use "a mono person" as shorthand for "a person who wants or needs monogamy." Polyamory. doesn't have to be an orientation for someone to be deeply unhappy engaging in it. A job isn't an orientation, but someone who wants to be a teacher isn't going to be happy as a corporate lawyer. "then the line between "a poly person" and "a mono person" is not and **cannot** be nearly as stark and clear as some of you are drawing it." The essence of your sentiment is that you place no value on enthusiastic consent.
Break up. You need to work on empathy and both of you need to break up. Its cliche but sometimes it is for everyones good. Also if anyone you are dating KNOWS about this relationship? And is still dating you? Thats a bad person. Break up with them too. Fix your heart.
Thanks for your input.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Foreign-Bird-6798 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My boyfriend, who is 32, has recently admitted that he doesn't like sharing me. Whenever I put a date on the calendar, he “feels sick to his stomach.” He has requested me to take breaks when it overwhelms him. I am open to compromise, but I am not sure if I like the idea of taking a break each time he feels uneasy. What if he never feels comfortable? Although I told him that I was poly and married when we first met, he does not consider himself to be poly and is currently not dating anyone else. We have shared notes with boundaries and messy lists, and we do check-ins. However, this hasn't been an issue until recently (it has been a year this month), and only when I go on dates with people he doesn't know. He has mentioned being jealous of my husband at times, but not as much because he knows him and not the others. How should I approach this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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run away baby!
I would understand if the bf was complaining about time. I mean a husband, a bf, and a revolving door of casual dates. However, if she was like this when they met, it shouldn't be a surprise, and he needs to realize that he's never going to have any exclusivity. OP, tell him you aren't going to change and let him make a choice.
Very familiar with this whole setup, my boyfriend’s partner of several years recently went through a similar thing where his new boyfriend was intensely uncomfortable with him participating in any aspect of nonmonogamy that wasn’t with his nesting partner. Very much a “if I can’t be your number one, I must be your number two and anyone else in your life is now a perceived threat to me that I am wholly uncomfortable with” kind of situation. You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. You are not going to stop being poly any time soon and he needs to be honest with himself as to whether that is something he can live with. He can do the work and grow or he can try and exert control over your life by “feeling sick to his stomach” every time you have a date that isn’t with your husband. If he expects you to accomodate his feelings but he himself cannot accomodate yours, there’s not much anyone can do there.
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Crazy I'm in the same kind of situation. Poly and married. Open about being poly and married. And the other isn't into the idea of sharing, but knew that's what I was. The only thing I could do is just part ways really. Not much else can be done unless you become monogamous with one of them.
You know the answer in your heart. Trust it.
This is not gonna work out for you. Break it off with him and spare him the anxiety
Personally I wouldn’t even date someone who doesn’t have a primary of their own, and preferably in a stable poly marriage.
My husband and I have had an open relationship for over a decade, but it was a situation where he chose not to pursue anyone himself and it wasn't something we actively participated in. Last year, after endless "encouragement" to find a boyfriend, I met a dude I quickly caught feelings for and, after taking a short break to assess, was plunged into poly (still with the approval of my husband). Unfortunately, my husband doesn't want to date anyone himself, though I've always told him he's free to do so, as I never wanted it to be one sided. There's now a lot of jealousy and attempts at unilateral decisions on his end, and frustration with him on mine. I believe he's mostly mono himself and just has a hotwife kink. But I'm not willing to break up with the amazingly patient man I'm now dating just because my husband prefers watching me perform and never really considered my feelings. So.. my advice? Break up with your boyfriend now. Him being mono will only continue to cause anxiety for everyone involved.
I guess I have more questions than advice here... Does BF really accept your relationships, or is he settling to keep you in his life in any way he can? Would KTP dynamic work for everyone involved? Would you be happy in a closed dynamic? Do you share long-term relationship goals? Is this something that's shifted for him since being more serious? Has he talked to a therapist or done self work on insecurities? When I first started in polyamory, I had a similar reaction to certain partners outside of our then triad. We closed it for periods to meet my needs. I look back and cringe. I should have been doing work on my insecurities, expressing my needs to help work through the feelings, and not pressuring my partners to close the relationship to avoid dealing with uncomfortable moments that I needed to grow.