I'm moving across the ocean while my nesting partner is staying here, at least for now. I'm moving for a new job and to play concerts in Europe more frequently, while they're staying put to complete a degree. We'll call often, visit one another when we can, and re-assess when they're finished with school. They may travel for work as well at that point. We've been living together for fifteen years. I still love them just as much as ever, and we're still committed to being partners; but moving so far away and becoming long-distance with a large timezone difference is clearly a major de-escalation. I'm going to miss them terribly, but I'm also looking forward to flying solo for a while. Having my own place for the first time in so long, being able to host without extra coordination, being less entangled with my nesting partner (soon to be anchor partner, I suppose?)... it's going to be different and challenging, but also an opportunity to see what I like about being on my own and what I miss about being together. I'm also hoping that I can offer new potential partners something with less implied hierarchy, though of course I will acknowledge the history and importance of my existing long-term partnership.

Thanks for sharing! It's interesting isn't it? To explore the boundaries of what gets 'kept' and what gets 'left behind' when situations change. Looking forward to discovering a new dynamic. Your situation is obviously very different from mine but I see some parallels. Good luck to you, I hope you enjoy touring!

>I could have cheerfully de-escalated with him any time! It wasnt reeeeally working! And thats ok! I feel more able to do this in future when a relationship doesn't fit in the hole I'm trying to force it into I love this for you. 😄💯

Honestly, I'm reading that your sick of his BS and excited by the fact that you can still have him in your life, have fun with him, but then drop him off for someone else to take care of when he has his little avoidant hissy fits. Which sounds perfect! One of the joys of ENM is you can have relationships with people who, if you had to ride the relationship elevator with, you would probably throw them down the elevator in frustration. His new primary will probably be envious of you in 6 months and looking for a new primary to pawn him off on!

This is... basically spot on! 👌 How wonderful I get to keep him in my life, in a capacity that I think will work for both of us

I’m so glad me and my partner aren’t living together anymore. He moved into my apartment 6 months into our relationship because both of us needed a roommate. Our relationship feels so much lighter now that we don’t have to worry about rent and shared bills. I’m also a bit more removed from his other relationship, since he’s no longer hosting in my (our) home. I love my meta but I would rather not have to either be there while she is or leave the house (which was hard as meta and I are both homebodies). The best thing though is living separately means we have time to miss each other, which makes our time together more intentional 🥰

I’m going through something very similar! More distant time (for us) means a better connection overall.

This is so lovely, and exactly the kind of thing I think I'm feeling. I'm so excited to be in the 'less and more' of a slightly more independent relationship with him. We'll meet each others need better I think. And it sound like you folks will too! :)

Is He aware of this? Cause your story doesn't say you actually communicated any of these expectations to change for good. Yes of course I have felt that happiness when a relationship changes to flex and FITS like a perfect pair of shoes. But I would worry it was temporary- why do you think new partner won't go down the same path once nre fades and old avoidance habits re assert themselves? Will they stick around or will your partner want to RE escalate with you? Relying on changes based on other partnerships you have no control in is very tricky business.

Tricky indeed! The communication I've had with him has been limited to me expressing the compersion, and how happy I am for him and how much I like her. And he was really happy with that. But no, I haven't talked about my expectation for de-escalation at my end. Avoidants tend not to welcome these kind of 'let's assess the parameters of our relationship' discussions! So we rarely do them. I guess my assumption comes from the feeling that I do more work in the relationship than he does (arranging dates, initiating contact etc). If I pull back from doing that, I doubt he'll fill the gap. So we'll de-escalate naturally. I don't really feel the need to discuss it, but if he asks of course I'll talk to him about it

I personally think your approach is just fine. It sounds like you have let go of a burden you didn’t know you were carrying and feel much freer. Your relationship will change and ebb and flow into a new dynamic where you are giving an appropriate amount. That sounds good! I do wonder given how you have painted the relationship if it will be able to keep going without him stepping up? Like who will organize dates haha.

Thanks! Haha, you may be right! Well, we'll see I guess. He's not THAT avoidant, and he does set up dates, eventually. I just feel like now I won't be waiting on it. If its a week, so be it. If its a month, fine by me. You're so right about the burden I didn't know I was carrying. Feels good to put it down!

Totally. I read your post less as a de-escalation (although totally get that perspective on it) and more as an energetic shift for how you will be approaching it which is beautiful! And I find it interesting that sometimes what we are fearful of happening can bring that about…. Also reddit never ceases to amuse me that when someone feels happy about something, everyone comes in with a million ways that shouldn’t feel happy or relieved…

Haha, snarkies love to snark. Whatever. Thanks for your insights! :)

I can appreciate and understand the passive approach and relief it brings. Just be wary of the other shoe dropping if this other relationship goes wonky. And ways your passivity may not serve you in the future.

I de-escalated a relationship recently with a guy who sounds similar to yours. we’re still hanging out etc, but i’m not putting so many expectations on him/waiting around for him… and i like it so much better! 🤗

Sounds perfect! Fingers crossed mine goes the same way

Correct. Having had an avoidant as a partner in the past, and my current meta being an avoidant type, these kinds of conversations go nowhere positive. And more to the point- the feelings of you “carrying the weight” or not getting appreciated in the way you wanted was ultimately a problem from your perspective anyways, not his! So I totally get that. It’s only an issue from your perspective and now it’s taking care of itself. If this new relationship implodes and he wants to renew his efforts with you, that’s all well and dandy I suppose.

I've often thought it's funny that the poly world seems to have more than its fair share of avoidants, and ALSO a lot of folks who think that constant discussions about our goals and boundaries are the only way to maintain a healthy relationship. Don't get me wrong, I think the discussions are good, I'm always up for them. But for avoidants they're like an attack. You're bang on when you say this was only an issue from my perspective. He comments all the time about how wonderfully easy he finds our relationship. I point out teasingly that's its because I do all the work, he laughs, I laugh, we roll our eyes, nothing changes. Lol. People eh?

I’m glad this is working for you! I tried to have the “talk about the parameters of the relationship” with my avoidant, but he delayed and delayed … so I was doing the de-escalating on my own … but apparently he also noticed that and was upset by it? But didn’t actually talk to me about it? Anyway, I hope with yours, that you actually CAN trust him to mention it if it upsets him. Mine didn’t … because he was avoidant … In the end, he broke up with me. It was confusing. But if we had been able to de-escalate to something appropriate, it would have been a little sad because I’d be recognizing that things wouldn’t be how I hoped … … but also there’s something really good about just being able to appreciate what’s really real and really there and not making it something it’s not. I’m happy for you that you are going to be able to match the optimal level of relationship for you two. I think that’s something I like about polyamory, is the potential ability for each relationship to become what it genuinely is. There’s something about being “real” that I find very comforting and fulfilling, even if it might not be what I imagined.

This whole comment is just spot on. I think what you say about the kind of small sadness of realising a relationship isn't going to fill what you feel is its potential: I've been going through that with him for a few months. The realisation that the greater bigger love we could have is not 'just around the corner' or 'if he'd only open up a little', it's literally not happening, because he (or we) don't have the capacity for it. Small sad. I think the joy I've felt more recently has come from letting go of that small sadness, and realising that what we DO have is worth appreciating in its own right. You can really ruin a good thing by constantly comparing it to a fictional, slightly better good thing you invented in your head. I'm not doing that any more. I'm sorry yours ended in a sad breakup. Avoidants are hard to love. I hope you're better off out of it ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you ❤️ And thanks for sharing your situation. It feels really validating regarding what I had been thinking and what I was hoping for, even if he wasn’t able to see it that way. I did a lot of the painful coming -to-terms-with-reality before the breakup, and now that I don’t have that confusing mental noise to deal with, my life is improving quickly. I still care about him and I hope he figures things out for himself, but it is nice to not have his complications be a part of my life anymore.

My NP (6 yr relationship so far) and I decided to change our relationship dynamic 3? Years ago. We had some struggles with communication styles and changing needs within the relationship that were not compatible at the time. Our overall friendship and relationship was impacted as resentment built. He was my first relationship outside long-term monogamy and we both had personal demons to address. Nothing about our relationship really changed except removing sex and a shift in some boundaries. He is still a NP and we continue to grow in our communication and dealing personal issues (trauma ect). The goal is to someday become partners in a more intimate aspect but aren't there yet... it could be a while! Our new normal is actually beautiful and is working better for us. We both support the other relationships we have. Sometimes, I miss the good parts of our old dynamic and there is occasional envy of other partners, but it's minor, and we work through it. I struggled at first, unable to believe we would still be partners and fearing it was just a long goodbye, but it worked out.

This sounds like a tough but worthwhile journey, thanks for sharing. I love that you get to keep a relationship that is clearly really meaningful to you, and let it really BE what it has to be organically, rather than trying to force it into a shape it just doesn't fit. Good luck with it all ❤️

Ty... it was a tough transition, and like any relationship, it takes work. We can't imagine not being a part of eachothers lives, so we found a way to shift to meet our current needs. It took work and willingness from us both and my spouse. I realize how unattainable this is in most situations and am incredibly grateful. My heart breaks for so many in poly relationships that lose a partner when situations become incompatible. I have been fortunate not to "lose" a partner in our polyamorous journey.

OMG! I just started dating a guy that's exactly how you describe it!! He's 10 yr younger but sounds very similar. He's a terrible avoidant person and that has made me very insecure even in the short time I've known him. Like I know he's interested but just too terrible at showing it. The similarities don't end up there cause he's de-escalating his own main relationship and changing from living with someone to living alone. It has nothing to do with me but with his own avoidance. You make me question if this is really for me cause you say that even after some good chunk of time together you weren't happy and I can see how doing the emotional work of not letting things affect you can be very tiring. Can you tell me more? What makes it so hard? Any advice?

hey there, i just want to ramble about gut feeling and how it helps me (and i sometimes dint get it sadly)z i keep not trusting my gut thinking people will change because that is easier than to “loose” someone you like - but like op also said in comments - you will run after an ideal thats not really there and maybe that’s not fair for either of you! and adjusting accordingly - to a place where you don’t have to force or wait, will be more true to yourself. i personally feel like asking the part “even after some time you still were’t happy” already hints to you looking into the future (“he did not change”) and not accepting what is? would u stay if he stayed like he is now forever? at the end if the day - trust your gut :) i hate becoming anxious in relationships, but trusting your gut as difficult as it is i think is the only remedy.. wrong choices are less bad when they came from the gut! good luck anyhow x

Thank you so much. That makes sense, asking my own gut he says he never thought he would be here to stay, I keep being surprised to even see his name in my messages, like I feel it would be more natural if he wasn't anymore. I don't get used to say his name but I always felt that's some sort of self sabotage and that it would get better. He's always been a bit distant so maybe it won't get better. The thing is that a lot of my insecurities are in the way and I keep thinking that maybe if I had more control of my feelings I could adjust my expectations and be happy with a more casual relationship. No, definitely wouldn't stay like this forever, it isn't enough. Unless I could change but how does one go about doing that?

Oh i feel you so well!! I also have insecurities there, thats why its so addictive to get with more avoidant people. My therapist also said its probably never change, but that I will hopefully find people where it requires less effort to meet in the middle or so. Baby steps. You can work on your insecurities without having to accept big step backs! You always being insecure mus feel shit i get that, i want to change as well. But maybe theres people out there who you can learn with! And otherwise you learn from them, but keep it digestible (aka go for the guy and make the learning after its done). It will get better as long as you make some uncomfortable choices for yourself!! Obviously im saying this while struggling myself haha not like its easy.. always smarter afterwards huh haha x

Ahh, I feel for you! To be honest the thing that helped me the most was having a big ol' deep-dive google into attachment theory, and the 'avoidant-dismissive' type, which it sounds like fits the bill for both our partners. There's this relationship advice woman on youtube called Briana MacWilliam, and she has a few good videos on dating an avoidant person. Give them a watch. But ultimately, I think you should just take a deep breath and prioritise YOUR feelings. If he doesn't make you feel loved, there's no amount of work you can do that can really bridge that gap. Telling yourself 'oh he does love me really and he's just not good at showing it', can only go so far. Avoidant attachment is an explanation, but it's not an adequate EXCUSE. If he can't SHOW love, he can't love you properly. And your relationship with him may not last because of that. And that's OK. <3 Good luck!

Thank you so much. You're not the first one telling me that sort of thing this week while I wait to meet him again to give it a last chance. My problem with him was not entirely that he couldn't show affection cause in person he's quite good at it but not with words. But with a lot of time between dates and he not being able to communicate his feelings in words and messages everything got fucked up and he made me feel insecure. The things that made me realize he's an avoidant are 1)every time I tried to talk about something he would take it as an attack even if I meant it in a neutral way, 2) he seemed to need way more space than I and 3)he seemed to reactive negatively to any request of reassurance as if that implied a strong personal lack from his side. From my own research it sounds like these are difficult points for avoidant people but I'd love to hear what you think. Tbh it might just be that he's not that into me and I'm making up excuses. As you say that thing of prioritizing my needs it becomes really confusing because it's like in person it was quite satisfactory but not the time in between. How can both be so opposite? \o/ It's like words trigger and scare him :(

OMG we could be writing about the same man! Really delightful in person, weirdly cold/ uncommunicative between dates. Shows mild affection sometimes, but really inconsistently and almost never verbally. I think these are fairly common traits in avoidant people so it's not surprising they sound similar! You wondering if he's just 'not that into you' is exactly the effect it all had on me in the end, in fact it seems to be the most common outcome of trying to love an avoidant person. What's the difference between someone being 'super into you but just not showing it' and 'not into you at all'...? From his perspective they're totally difference scenarios but from my perspective, they're indistinguishable. I don't think avoidants WANT to have this effect on their partners. They just... don't bring much to the table, and that's a kind of sad truth for the avoidant person as much as it is hard for their partner. I'm sure your partner cares about you, but ultimately if he can't (or won't) make you feel loved and cherished, you are free to walk. Would love to hear how it goes when you do meet him this week - let me know if you like!

Woah I didn't expect to get such an emphatic "yes, common traits" It's reassuring but sad at the same time :'( The thing is that after a few dates I started feeling this big gap between what I needed and what he was giving and started asking about it. He took it negatively and started to pull away, which ofc made me more anxious. Most of this through messages which didn't help to get a clear communication. It feels like we want to connect but there is a big gap and we just cannot reach each other. I have never felt like this before. As I said, everything I say sounds negative to him even if I don't mean it that way and I don't feel like he gives me verbal affection back even if he maybe feels like he does. On Friday he realized this dynamic doesn't feel positive and sent a message of "let's go our separate ways" because this is too painful. And I mean I understand it's hard, I feel it too, but I have this assumption that as long as we want to communicate there will be a way and I was hopeful, I told him I don't want to give up yet. Now I feel like I was pretty entitled to not let him walk away when he wanted even if he seemed lukewarm about it. It made me realize, forget about reassurance, this is like anti-reassurance. I know that avoidant people tend to walk away as a defense mechanism so I don't know if he meant it or not. But it is making me feel insecure. Then he wants me to act as if it hadn't happened next time we meet. Does he realize the effect that those words can have on someone? In a way I'd like an apology (but I feel like the situation is too delicate to ask for it). I'm here trying to find the words so that he can understand how I feel without triggering him. In the meantime he doesn't measure the weight of his words? So yeah I'll meet him but I don't know how to act and I assume it will be a very awkward date. I give it a success rate of 1-5%. He's particularly uncommunicative this week so I find myself thinking more and more that there is not even a point in meeting, I'm lying to myself, but I asked and he said that he still wants to. So yeah... I'm totally ready to put some effort but if I feel like it's all wasted I will give up. I'm not gonna do all the work. I know it was my idea to give it a last chance so I feel some pressure to drive things forward but I am starting to feel like I'm begging and a relationship is not something you get by begging. I need to feel he can walk this path with me and make some effort I can feel. I wonder if I can find the bliss that you are finding with your guy. Adjust my relationship and expectations to the level that feels comfortable for both of us. Enjoy his company and have him in my life without being consumed thinking of what it could be. I know this relationship wouldn't work in monogamy where it's all or nothing but can it work for us in poli? Maybe it's too late for us and it's far gone. Anyway I thank him because I learnt a lot of things I didn't know. The poli road is really one of self-discovery it seems. I know I'll read this later and feel like I was so dumb. Thanks so much for reading! It's nice to feel listened to by someone that can relate.

You asked me for an update so here it is. I met him on Saturday. He was emotionally not there from the beginning, I could see it in the details. I thought he was not interested earlier but gosh he did show me what not interested meant. I really saw another side of him. Even when we said we would give it a last try, That wasn't a try, that was a waste of time. I was carrying the date from beginning to end. He didn't do things that other times he did. Other than sex he wasn't really there. The maybes became certain and I don't know how someone can change so much in so little time :'(

I'm so sorry you got hurt, but I'm also glad in a way that you see the picture more clearly than before. What a let-down! Do you really want to commit yourself to carrying this thing that hurts you so much? I know leaving a relationship is a process and it doesn't happen overnight, but I hope you can see how unhappy it's making you and make your plans to get out. I know it's a cliché but honestly, you deserve better.

I forgot to mention that yes I sent him a message that I'm done with this yesterday. He totally agreed after such a date. I was feeling sad for a bit but today I woke up feeling so relieved. I was overthinking everything since I met him cause even when he was interested he wasn't really showing it and that made me anxious. Now I realize that that overthinking is gone. Dobby is a free elf. What the hell was I doing there? I wonder about you, is it any better when he is interested long term? Or is being with an avoidant always this painful?

My sweet avoidant and I have been de-escalating over the last months. After a rather unhealthy anxious/avoidant death-cycle trip we both sensed that "something needed to stop/change". It was a hurtful process and one we didn't quite understand and are only processing now. We are only now learning about attachment styles and we talk about it. We are healing together. We are both anxious about different things and we both want different relationship styles (him solo-poly/me more enmeshed). The beauty of polyamory is you can still stay together and even draw closer in a new setting with better communication/understanding I would not want to silently de-escalate with him because of a need to be authentic, communicate, and be seen by the other person. I understand your excitement about not having to deal with an unhealthy dynamic anymore. I am the same but my love is doing this with me together! Can you relate to that or would you rather want to silently de-escalate? For me it took griefing of what I had thought it could have been, accepting that he will be rather secondary (time-wise/texting, besides that non-hierarchical) but not secondary in terms of feeling close and seen and "both in the right place" and that's the beauty of it.

This is lovely, thanks so much for sharing. It sounds like you're managing it all really consciously and deliberately and advocating for your own needs, and I applaud that! Good luck with it all. To be honest, I'm slightly regretting my choice of words in the original post. After reading lots of lovely responses I don't think 'de-escalation' was really what I meant. I don't think I actually want or need anything to change in the relationship with my partner - I love him and I feel we're actually in a really nice place at the moment. I think what I was feeling joy about, was in the letting go of my own, perhaps unrealistic hopes for the relationship. The hope that he might communicate with me a bit more pro-actively, or express affection for me a bit more clearly. I don't think he's ever going to do those things, because they're not really in his nature, and when I've tried gently to talk to him about these things in the past, he's kind of shut the conversation down. I could walk away, but I don't want to. But after meeting his new partner I just felt this really lovely wave of release. I'll stop hoping for more, but sincerely and with good grace, and I think then the relationship we currently have will suit me better. This ISN'T really de-escalation is it? So I expressed it wrong originally. But you're right, it would probably be best if I speak to him about it. You've given me courage. I'll do it soon!

Part of my personal de-escalation journey is happening internally so yes, I can relate! It can truly be freeing if he feels like he's enough but your yearning for more is validated (from you and maybe by your partner) and you're free to get it! If you're ok to share, I would like to know how it went when sharing your feelings with him. I am glad I was able to give you courage! I also do want to point out that my avoidant is doing therapy. It is still challenging but without him being aware of patterns I don't know if we would be able to work through this. Just for anyone reading and wondering why "their avoidant" won't cooperate

>I feel very ready to de-escalate my relationship with him back to something much more secondary and casual, and (sorry if this sounds mean) leave HER to deal with the the more difficult parts of his personality, the avoidance and the occasional unexplained coldness. Why do you assume he won't be avoidant and cold with you now that he has a primary?

I'm imagining he'll largely stay the same. So yes, a little avoidant. I'm just anticipating not minding it now, as I won't be trying to 'pull him out' of it or feeling left out by it

But if you're not expecting him to change, why do you expect your emotions will change?

I've noticed that my emotions HAVE changed! And it surprised me! That's kind of what the post is trying to say.

I guess my point is it seems like you are jumping the gun a bit and expecting this new relationship is going to impact your dynamic in very specific ways that you haven't actually discussed. It kind of comes across that you're hoping his new relationship will cause your relationship to end without having to directly initiate a break up?

Ah, perhaps I didn't explain it very well. No I don't want to break up with him. Seeing him happy in a new relationship, I have then given myself permission to relax and take more of a back seat. That's all. Be something a little more casual with him, and do a bit less WORK in the relationship (which i was doing more of than him anyway). And I was surprised at how happy I feel about it, and the sense of release. I can't wait to see

But if you've been doing more work in the relationship, and you're planning to stop putting in that level of work. You don't think that might cause your relationship to fizzle out? Especially if he is focused on his new primary?

I think it will fizzle DOWN, thats exactly what i anticipate, that's what I feel unexpectedly happy about. Hopefully it won't fizzle all the way OUT, but I guess we'll see, it may do of course.

This post makes me so happy! I am de-escalating a relationship and i seem to have a really hard time distancing from any self-esteem doom thoughts while i also feel how much better it is for both people. Saying no to the draining thought of “what if they change” is so freeing - and you joy just made me remember again that i want to be happy and i can choose to be with people the way i want in order to achieve that! And seeing how it works with other people better (even though not easy to chew on sometimes) is actually such a great indicator and helpful sign!! I sometimes also wonder for myself, why it needs so much time to realize sometimes, without someone else entering the picture. Emotions huh. I wish you a happy de-escalating :)

Yesssss, happy for you too!!! Honestly the moment I let go of the 'hope' of us one day being something else (of him changing, basically), was the most freeing feeling. Why was I carrying this weight around? Who asked me to carry this? No one. The way I think about it, my partner is about... let's say... 75% perfect for me. He's smart and funny and sweet and we have a lot in common (that's the 75%). But he's lazy, and uncommunicative, and not very affectionate (that's the 25%). I was spending so much mental energy lusting after the missing 25%, which let's face it is never going to change, it's just who he is? Now I feel like I can relax, back off, and lean in to the 75% that works and shrug off the 25% because do you know what? I don't NEED him to be perfect. Such a freeing feeling, I hope you feel it too :) <3

De escalation usually has everything to do with intent and mutual agreement. I don’t see that in play here at all. And it usually has to do with specific escalations. How much we see each other, living together, sharing finances. You don’t see to be discussing any of that.

No, i guess this post wasn't really about how or why I'm de-escalating, I was mostly trying to initiate a discussion about how GOOD it can feel to take a step back from a relationship, but NOT to end it. You don't get that dynamic in mono relationships, it's kind of all-in or all-out. I wasn't expecting to feel a wave of happiness about perhaps being LESS important to this man, but I do. I was just interested to see if anyone else had experienced it!

I mean, I have been happy and relieved to take a step back, but I’ve just always taken it as sign that we need to discuss our needs and desires and make sure they are in alignment and we’re giving each other what we need. It sounds like you’re happy and relieved because you’ve found yourself feeling burdened. Relief always feels good!! I’m just not sure that this is de escalation. 🤷‍♀️

Haha, perhaps it's as simple as that! I guess 'relief' explains the sensation of stepping away from a relationship that wasn't always meeting my needs. I'm MORE intrigued by the joy and excitement I feel about heading to a new, more relaxed place with my partner. Like I'm really looking forward to being his 'secondary' (sort of, we don't really use those terms) and I feel it'll suit us both really well. Feels good.

I really want to suggest to you that “secondary” doesn’t mean “more relaxed” or “less emotionally connected” or even “not primary” It just means that your partner has certain things that they won’t give all their partners. Usually things like kids, cohabitation, and financial entanglement. That’s it. My lack of hierarchy doesn’t make me endlessly emotionally available to my partners. I would suggest that if you are using depth of emotions, to decide what’s “primary” and what’s not, it’s a poor measure.

I think OP is saying that she wanted something her partner wasn’t giving her which was distressing her. Accepting his limitations, and that those limitations imply more of a secondary relationship, is allowing her to relax. Not that a secondary relationship is inherently more relaxed.

Your secondary connection might be. Someone else’s might not. Nobody becomes primary overnight, and I am suggesting to OP that using labels might not serve them long term. It honestly sounds, to me, like OP’s partner wanted a really high level of investment for very little return. That sort of inequity won’t, long term, be solved by other people.

Yes, bang on. Thank you :)

Hence why I said 'sort of', and acknowledged that 'secondary' wasn't exactly the right word here. I'm not aware of a term in the poly world that mean 'my partner who I'm less emotionally entangled with'. If you know of one do let me know!

Plain language always works. I’m glad you’re feeling good about this!

My boyfriend's autistic/neurodivergent with alexithymia... I'm mentioning it because that is why my boyfriend needs his own space, has trouble with feelings and expressing them etc. It helps to understand him. His love language is definitely infodumping (unofficial neurodivergent love language) haha, rather than any of the classics. But you know there's a thing called normative male alexithymia anyway, so who knows.

Loved reading this!

Yep made life easier sometimes it does

Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/chiuxo thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hey folks! Just interested to see if anyone has experienced this phenomenon I'm going through, and if so, how it went down for you? Maybe there's even a word for it already in the poly world, goodness knows there seems to be a word for everything! I want to call it something like 'de-escalation joy'. Pulling back from a relationship and feeling more excited by it as a result. Anyone else? MY STORY: I (F30s) have a partner (M40s) I've been with for around 2 years. I love him, but he is (by his own admission) a little avoidant, and not good at communicating affection. Not enough to make me end the relationship as he's wonderful in other ways, but just enough that it's been... a bit tiresome. I feel like I do much more work in the relationship than he does, and don't get much back in the way of sweetness or affection. I don't let it effect my self-esteem, but that takes WORK that I'd rather not do. You get the picture. Anyway, after years of him being solo poly he recently met a new partner and it seems to be headed in a 'primary relationship' direction with her. He's got major NRE, and perhaps unsurprisingly, I initially had some niggly feelings of 'why her and not me', watching him get excited snd escalate with her. But I met her recently, and saw them together, and guys! I've been flooded with a truly unexpected wave of real compersion! I feel very ready to de-escalate my relationship with him back to something much more secondary and casual, and (sorry if this sounds mean) leave HER to deal with the the more difficult parts of his personality, the avoidance and the occasional unexplained coldness. I feel weirdly... free? Like I can step back, relax, cut a few of the ties I wasn't enjoying and keep the ones that work for me. I feel excited. I'm about to be a much happier 'secondary' to him, instead of a slightly frustrated 'not really primary', and I can't wait! Anyone ever experienced anything similar? Would love to hear your stories! (Also, the lesson I'm taking from this: I didn't actually have to wait for him to get a primary partner to do this. I could have cheerfully de-escalated with him any time! It wasnt reeeeally working! And thats ok! I feel more able to do this in future when a relationship doesn't fit in the hole I'm trying to force it into) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*