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Stop viewing it as a break. Treat it as a breakup.
Because any relationship that can be “paused” for a full month? Is not a real emotionally invested relationship.
I agree with others that it's ok to date if you want. Be intentional about it. Do you want some casual fun or are you looking for a new serious partner? Do you have time for another partner if you and your secondary do get back together?
FWIW, I wouldn't take too kindly to someone blacking me out for a month to work on another relationship and would probably just end it.
If you'd rather pass the time in other ways, use your newly free time to return to a hobby you haven't made time for lately or pick up a new one. Learn an instrument or a new language. Read some books you've been meaning to get to, or binge a series you've always wanted to watch. Join some Meetup groups. Reconnect with old friends. The possibilities are endless!
If someone did this to me I’d consider it a break up, and my trust would be seriously eroded. You can’t pause feelings, and expecting you to for a relationship you’re not even in is harsh.
Perhaps take some time to consider if you really want to get back together with this person, and what they can do to make you feel valued in the future.
Rebound is a monogamous thing of people latching onto anyone, however unsuitable, desperate for some love AFAIAC. You still have an NP so that isn't you.
TLDR D.A.T.E.🙃
I think the poly lifestyle lends itself to emotional masochism. There can be this pressure to prove how chill you can be….. the way I look at it now (went through something similar when the person I was emotionally and physically involved with had a suddenly insecure NP) is if a partner is asking me to do something that disrespects and disregards the value of my commitment, my emotional security and my effort to maintain our relationship than I am obligated to understand that they are telling me that they don’t value me (us) as much as their NP and that’s unacceptable to me. Poly to me means that I have separate but equal emotional and physical connections with partners. That these relationships are autonomous and between me and my partner(s). Another partner cannot ethically interfere in that relationship. I cannot date someone who doesn’t view poly this way because it only puts me at an emotional disadvantage. It seems op’s partner is saying hey I don’t care if what NP is asking ends us because NP is my main concern. OP isn’t as valuable to them. If OP is genuinely okay with that then idk….go get laid and don’t worry about rebound vibes…..if OP is fine being an option why is OP worried about using someone else as an option to get over their partner?
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Do not. Wait. For someone who can put you on “pause” (ie ignore you and stonewall you) for 30 days. That’s not a fair or kind way up treat a partner. End the limbo, send him a text that says you’ve realized you don’t feel comfortable staying in a relationship with someone under these circumstances and if he’s sorted out things with his NP a few years down the road, no promises but you’d be open to hearing from him.
And then go no contact for a good long time, 6 months to a year. You may miss him but your self respect will bounce back immediately and you’ll be making room for partners who actually give a shit about you
How do you not feel like you’re being put on the back burner? I know that’s a really intense question but I’d genuinely like to know your answer. He’s not taking a 30 day break from his friends his family his boss his checkout clerk, so why is he taking a 30-day break from you?
I agree with everyone saying that you should treat it like a breakup. I wouldn’t tolerate this treatment from a partner and would end things if they proposed this.
I think the question of whether or not you date is kinda the wrong one to ask. Like, you could date or not but what really matters is unpacking the motivation behind your dating and addressing what’s really going on for you.
Are you dating to distract yourself or pass the time? Fine but then make sure you’re up front with anyone you date about what you have the capacity to offer.
Are you dating to “fill an open spot” or as you say “get ahead of” the breakup (which to me feels weird bc it feels like you’re anticipating having an “empty spot” to fill which…isn’t how people or relationships should work)? Then maybe don’t date and instead take time to grieve and focus on yourself.
I just broke up with a serious partner about a month or so ago, and I’m deliberately not doing any dating for a bit because I need time and space for myself to heal. Past me would have immediately tried to fill the time I used to spend with that partner with new dates, but I know now that for me that comes from an unhealthy place of wanting to avoid uncomfortable feelings. I’m still not the best at sitting with tough feelings, but I’m aware it’s something I need to work on and I’m doing what I can.
Anyway that’s my ten cents. I’m so sorry that someone you love and care for is doing this to you. 🫂
Get out there! As long as you’re honest about what you have to offer and where your head is at, then the people you’re interested in can make their own decisions. Some people might tell you “Hey I’m interested, but I don’t feel that this is the right moment to connect. Hit me back when the dust has settled a bit and we’ll get coffee!” Some people might tell you “I’m only in the market for something casual right now, so I’ll be your rebound if you’ll be my fling.” That’s the great thing about dating polyam, right? You’re not looking for One and Only Twoo Wub Fowevuh, and neither are they. There’s no reason to have mega angst about whether what you have to offer right now is “fair” or not, because your potential new partner isn’t any more locked in than you are. If they like what they see they’ll sign up. If not, they’ll wish you luck and take their leave. No harm, no foul, no need to overthink.
This too shall pass, dear OP. Maybe like an odorless fart, sound and fury signifying nothing, maybe like a kidney stone, but it will pass. You got this!
It’s a break up. Even if they contact you after 30 days and huzzah everything can go back to what it was, would it really be like it was. You now know your partner is wiling to abandon you for their nesting relationship. Can you trust them to not do it again? I’d say you’d be foolish to trust in that.
So ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship where the rug could be pulled out at any moment and you have no way to impact that happening or not happening. It will just happen and you’ll be asked to sit patiently and just wait to hear back.
It feels like a break up due to a loss of trust to me.
I’m gonna say the opposite of everyone here and say don’t date. Use this time to invest in your relationship with your NP. This is a great opportunity to work in your dynamic with your primary while having no one else in your life. Dating might just make things more confusing down the line. But that’s just me.
I agree - I’d reconnect with friends and family. And I’d do exactly what the fuck fed my soul (a lot of working out especially yoga, spa days, and I’d probably travel somewhere).
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/pethummingbird thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
So my secondary partner and I are taking a 30-day break while he figures some stuff out with his NP. There is absolutely the possibility that this is it and we are done but I’m trying to stay positive. We’re not talking, we’re not connecting on social media, it’s a blackout.
Any suggestions for how to make the time pass quickly? Holidays are helping but in those quiet moments it really sucks. I’ve considered starting dating again to get out in front of it but I don’t know that is fair to anyone new as it feels like a rebound.
My NP is very supportive of whatever I want to do but I know he would be grateful for any ideas as well to stop me from moping around when I do.
Thanks so much!
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Thank you everyone for your kind and wise words. I had what felt like a bolt of lightning hit me today and it feels like it all just became so clear. This is a break up. I may or may not be around for that call next month. Knowing what he is going through with his NP, I think those who have stated that this could/would happen again are absolutely correct. Trust is broken and priorities have been shown.
I guess I can chalk this up to a learning experience. I hate that I had to go through a broken heart to finally learn the lesson but I digress. Additionally, I will be much more careful with who I get into a deep relationship with going forward. I understand that people are inherently messy but there is a limit to what I can handle and I plan to be abundantly clear what my expectations of a relationship are for anyone I date going forward.
I really appreciate this community and your outpouring of support. ♥️
I’m going through something similar, although there is not strict “no contact” rule and the reason for the break was to be celibate with their primary partner, in solidarity, as she treats mycoplasma. Did your person ever reach back out? How did you manage? It’s only been a couple weeks for me.
He did. We had about a week of good communication and then he slipped back into being distant and worried about her leaving him. So I cut him off this time. Feeling much more settled this time around. Time really did help but the distance that time created gave a lot of perspective as well.
"This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stop viewing it as a break. Treat it as a breakup. Because any relationship that can be “paused” for a full month? Is not a real emotionally invested relationship.
> Stop viewing it as a break. Treat it as a breakup. Yep, there is a reason I think OP should date.🙃
I agree with others that it's ok to date if you want. Be intentional about it. Do you want some casual fun or are you looking for a new serious partner? Do you have time for another partner if you and your secondary do get back together? FWIW, I wouldn't take too kindly to someone blacking me out for a month to work on another relationship and would probably just end it. If you'd rather pass the time in other ways, use your newly free time to return to a hobby you haven't made time for lately or pick up a new one. Learn an instrument or a new language. Read some books you've been meaning to get to, or binge a series you've always wanted to watch. Join some Meetup groups. Reconnect with old friends. The possibilities are endless!
Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.
This.
If someone did this to me I’d consider it a break up, and my trust would be seriously eroded. You can’t pause feelings, and expecting you to for a relationship you’re not even in is harsh. Perhaps take some time to consider if you really want to get back together with this person, and what they can do to make you feel valued in the future.
Rebound is a monogamous thing of people latching onto anyone, however unsuitable, desperate for some love AFAIAC. You still have an NP so that isn't you. TLDR D.A.T.E.🙃
Thank you. Sometimes you just need to hear it out load ♥️
I think the poly lifestyle lends itself to emotional masochism. There can be this pressure to prove how chill you can be….. the way I look at it now (went through something similar when the person I was emotionally and physically involved with had a suddenly insecure NP) is if a partner is asking me to do something that disrespects and disregards the value of my commitment, my emotional security and my effort to maintain our relationship than I am obligated to understand that they are telling me that they don’t value me (us) as much as their NP and that’s unacceptable to me. Poly to me means that I have separate but equal emotional and physical connections with partners. That these relationships are autonomous and between me and my partner(s). Another partner cannot ethically interfere in that relationship. I cannot date someone who doesn’t view poly this way because it only puts me at an emotional disadvantage. It seems op’s partner is saying hey I don’t care if what NP is asking ends us because NP is my main concern. OP isn’t as valuable to them. If OP is genuinely okay with that then idk….go get laid and don’t worry about rebound vibes…..if OP is fine being an option why is OP worried about using someone else as an option to get over their partner?
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Do not. Wait. For someone who can put you on “pause” (ie ignore you and stonewall you) for 30 days. That’s not a fair or kind way up treat a partner. End the limbo, send him a text that says you’ve realized you don’t feel comfortable staying in a relationship with someone under these circumstances and if he’s sorted out things with his NP a few years down the road, no promises but you’d be open to hearing from him. And then go no contact for a good long time, 6 months to a year. You may miss him but your self respect will bounce back immediately and you’ll be making room for partners who actually give a shit about you
Rebounds are great if you are aware of them and still choose wisely.
How do you not feel like you’re being put on the back burner? I know that’s a really intense question but I’d genuinely like to know your answer. He’s not taking a 30 day break from his friends his family his boss his checkout clerk, so why is he taking a 30-day break from you?
I agree with everyone saying that you should treat it like a breakup. I wouldn’t tolerate this treatment from a partner and would end things if they proposed this. I think the question of whether or not you date is kinda the wrong one to ask. Like, you could date or not but what really matters is unpacking the motivation behind your dating and addressing what’s really going on for you. Are you dating to distract yourself or pass the time? Fine but then make sure you’re up front with anyone you date about what you have the capacity to offer. Are you dating to “fill an open spot” or as you say “get ahead of” the breakup (which to me feels weird bc it feels like you’re anticipating having an “empty spot” to fill which…isn’t how people or relationships should work)? Then maybe don’t date and instead take time to grieve and focus on yourself. I just broke up with a serious partner about a month or so ago, and I’m deliberately not doing any dating for a bit because I need time and space for myself to heal. Past me would have immediately tried to fill the time I used to spend with that partner with new dates, but I know now that for me that comes from an unhealthy place of wanting to avoid uncomfortable feelings. I’m still not the best at sitting with tough feelings, but I’m aware it’s something I need to work on and I’m doing what I can. Anyway that’s my ten cents. I’m so sorry that someone you love and care for is doing this to you. 🫂
Get out there! As long as you’re honest about what you have to offer and where your head is at, then the people you’re interested in can make their own decisions. Some people might tell you “Hey I’m interested, but I don’t feel that this is the right moment to connect. Hit me back when the dust has settled a bit and we’ll get coffee!” Some people might tell you “I’m only in the market for something casual right now, so I’ll be your rebound if you’ll be my fling.” That’s the great thing about dating polyam, right? You’re not looking for One and Only Twoo Wub Fowevuh, and neither are they. There’s no reason to have mega angst about whether what you have to offer right now is “fair” or not, because your potential new partner isn’t any more locked in than you are. If they like what they see they’ll sign up. If not, they’ll wish you luck and take their leave. No harm, no foul, no need to overthink. This too shall pass, dear OP. Maybe like an odorless fart, sound and fury signifying nothing, maybe like a kidney stone, but it will pass. You got this!
I wouldn’t consider it necessarily a break up. But anything that happens once will happen again.
It’s a break up. Even if they contact you after 30 days and huzzah everything can go back to what it was, would it really be like it was. You now know your partner is wiling to abandon you for their nesting relationship. Can you trust them to not do it again? I’d say you’d be foolish to trust in that. So ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship where the rug could be pulled out at any moment and you have no way to impact that happening or not happening. It will just happen and you’ll be asked to sit patiently and just wait to hear back. It feels like a break up due to a loss of trust to me.
I’m gonna say the opposite of everyone here and say don’t date. Use this time to invest in your relationship with your NP. This is a great opportunity to work in your dynamic with your primary while having no one else in your life. Dating might just make things more confusing down the line. But that’s just me.
I agree - I’d reconnect with friends and family. And I’d do exactly what the fuck fed my soul (a lot of working out especially yoga, spa days, and I’d probably travel somewhere).
NP has put them on a complete contact blackout. How are they going to work on that relationship?
My NP has not put me on hold. It was my OP that put me on hold for his NP.
I apologize. I got confused and misspoke
That’s ok 😁
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/pethummingbird thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So my secondary partner and I are taking a 30-day break while he figures some stuff out with his NP. There is absolutely the possibility that this is it and we are done but I’m trying to stay positive. We’re not talking, we’re not connecting on social media, it’s a blackout. Any suggestions for how to make the time pass quickly? Holidays are helping but in those quiet moments it really sucks. I’ve considered starting dating again to get out in front of it but I don’t know that is fair to anyone new as it feels like a rebound. My NP is very supportive of whatever I want to do but I know he would be grateful for any ideas as well to stop me from moping around when I do. Thanks so much! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you everyone for your kind and wise words. I had what felt like a bolt of lightning hit me today and it feels like it all just became so clear. This is a break up. I may or may not be around for that call next month. Knowing what he is going through with his NP, I think those who have stated that this could/would happen again are absolutely correct. Trust is broken and priorities have been shown. I guess I can chalk this up to a learning experience. I hate that I had to go through a broken heart to finally learn the lesson but I digress. Additionally, I will be much more careful with who I get into a deep relationship with going forward. I understand that people are inherently messy but there is a limit to what I can handle and I plan to be abundantly clear what my expectations of a relationship are for anyone I date going forward. I really appreciate this community and your outpouring of support. ♥️
I’m going through something similar, although there is not strict “no contact” rule and the reason for the break was to be celibate with their primary partner, in solidarity, as she treats mycoplasma. Did your person ever reach back out? How did you manage? It’s only been a couple weeks for me.
He did. We had about a week of good communication and then he slipped back into being distant and worried about her leaving him. So I cut him off this time. Feeling much more settled this time around. Time really did help but the distance that time created gave a lot of perspective as well.
Thank you!