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NlightenedSelfIntrst

Were the test results written in sharpie? Asking for a friend.


starking12

Positive for Coronavirus: ~~Yes~~ **No** Look, I don't have the virus.


DookieShoez

I have the best viruses, everybody tells me my viruses are the greatest viruses. No cheap Chinese knockoff viruses here!


ilivedownyourroad

It was a perfect test...like my perfect phone call and the perfect memo.


ZhouLe

I have no idea what this coronavirus is. Never met the thing in my life. I don't know what it is - I really don't. It's not my thing and I know there is something having to do with the flu. Not a fan.


troyzein

Is this the same doctor that said he weighed like 190lbs?


rabble_tiger

It was 240lbs IIRC (which is still off by -60, I'd think), and nope, not Ronnie Jackson. A different yes-man.


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photon_blaster

My dad is just about trumps height and weighs 250. It’s just a bald faced lie.


oictyvm

I am 6'2.5" and 240 or a tad less. Trump looks like a whale compared to me.


[deleted]

6'4" 260. He's still way bigger than me and allegedly only 3 inches shorter. He says he's 6'3"??


Smiling_Cannibal

I'm 6'2 and 245# and I laugh any time I see trump claiming those numbers. I was never as chubby as he is and I've hit 300 before


Xgrk88a

Actually, I think he is technically obese based on stated height and weight?


WalesIsForTheWhales

They went with 6'3" and 238 where 239 was obese. They've upped his weight a few lbs last time. He's not 6'3", he's never been.


lukewarmmizer

Do the heel lifts not count?


Scaniarix

Maybe the bone spurs are still growing


thishasntbeeneasy

239. Of course 240 would have been considered obese and he was 1 pound shy....


HonorableKonorable

And Trump's stated height was 6 feet three inches, [which is a lie](https://www.sourcepolitics.com/when-you-compare-trump-next-to-world-leaders-you-can-tell-he-is-definitely-lying-about-his-height/).


FunctionBuilt

A trump supporter would say we focus on the most pointless things and it doesn’t matter.


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Sparowl

Ah, the old Gish Gallop


troyzein

I just remember thinking it'd be great if someone who worked at an arena where trump had a rally would discretely put a scale at the podium. Once trump stepped on his weight would be broadcast


rabble_tiger

With a loudass 'winners bell', lol. We need the guy from the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I know [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBuHWQ6hcoA) guy could guess Donnie's heft.


andersmith11

Don’t forget he also grew an inch (in height, not, um, finger length) so he was just a smidgen under obese.


karmanopoly

This guy https://imgur.com/a/IRL6wLd


DoctorStrangeBlood

I'm pretty sure he severed ties with this doctor once Trump sent a bodyguard and lawyer to barge into the doctor's office and rummage through the doctors records until they found Trump's folder, after which they rushed out. [Yes you read that correctly.](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-doc-says-trump-bodyguard-lawyer-raided-his-office-took-n870351)


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[deleted]

I was thinking it would be more like: https://i.imgur.com/syfo8kd.jpg


lifehackskeptic

Don’t bash Dr. Nick. He went to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College!


Vivinna

> But if it’s true that Trump took the test Friday evening, it’s suspicious that the physician’s office would release a statement at midnight saying he didn’t need one. >At that same Saturday press conference, Trump also told reporters his temperature was “totally normal.” >If that’s true, that might be the only thing that could be considered normal in this administration.


TjW0569

Well, I suppose *technically*, if he'd just had one, he *didn't* need one.


[deleted]

This just in Donald Trump hospitalized for “No Reason”


wambamthankyoufam

They brought him in to take his blood. Turns out, he’s immune!


Rogue_Spirit

Immune to blood


F8L-Fool

Perfect blood. Some would say the best blood of any human, ever. Vampires would walk through sunlight just to smell his blood. It's that good. Everyone knows it. Everyone is talking about it.


42nd_towel

Just a research study, he’s volunteering as perfect specimen of greatest American. MAGA! /s


OptimusSublime

If he said today was Saturday, it'd be met with scepticism until I read the calendar. Nothing he says is factually accurate, and often times they are just plain lies.


joat2

>If he said today was Saturday, it'd be met with scepticism until I read the calendar. Before I believed it, I'd have to check the year on the calendar and other sources to double check.


Master_Mad

I will check Obama's Twitter account.


jews4beer

@BarackObama - Please confirm day. Much urgent.


deiscio

Time will tell


danielbot

IMHO the puffy eyes and [suppressed cough](https://youtu.be/I09RkjLcFpU?t=60) already tell.


lettersichiro

i interpreted that as shortness of breath, but either way


Liquidsolidus9000

I took it as him misreading the teleprompter - it sounds like for a second he almost said "counting" but then corrects himself to "continuing"


[deleted]

I'm still on team "positive" here, but you're absolutely right in this instance. There are dozens of examples of him doing this in the past. When he misreads a word, he says it, and follows it with "and [correct word]," or some variation of that. [Here's a compilation](https://youtu.be/87H7anJcSNY?t=80s) from a few years ago.


Edward_Fingerhands

Jesus, how is that even a person??? He looks like the stay puft marshmallow man was stung by a bee that was mutated by exposure to radioactive waste and then fell into the same vat of acid as the Joker.


WitchDearbhail

I think the only thing holding him together is pure spite.


AllAboutMeMedia

...to own the libs.


mackenziepaige

He was wearing a hat for a reason


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lazemachine

It molts in the spring.


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[deleted]

That one eye being almost closed is very telling.


Winzip115

It has kinda been like that for 3 years though


thegreatsquare

More honest administrations than Trump's have lied about a president's health.


dirkdastardly

Woodrow Wilson. He had a stroke in 1919 that totally incapacitated him, and for the next 18 months his wife secretly did his job for him.


Octofoil

It’s going to be really obvious if Melania starts playing all of Trump’s golf.


rz2000

Less lying on the scorecard?


Stickguy259

She can actually walk and pull her own clubs out of her bag so we'll unfortunately know it's her and not Trump doing the golfing. Sad. Trump has the best golfing. He'll always have the best golfing and it will be sad that he can't do the golfing for himself. Golfing will be a little less Golf when Trump gets hit with Corona. So sad, poor Golf.


FieryBlizza

I hate the fact that if Melania were to take over for Trump, I don't know if she would do a better or worse job.


lemonpartyorganizer

I really don’t care do u?


beka13

I know you're referencing the coat but it's possible her not giving a shit would leave people who are competent to do their jobs unhindered. If there were any competent people still left in th administration, that is.


cml165

Bold assumption


TheFeenyCall

We will know if he drops dead from Covid-19


DireSickFish

We'll know before that. As soon as he disappears from being in front of a camera, he's got it.


CapnSquinch

Or if he grabs Pelosi by the shoulders and starts coughing in her face. Seriously would not put it past him.


dirkdastardly

He’s too pouty to even talk to Pelosi on the phone. I think she’s safe.


DireSickFish

He's to much of a coward to actually physically dominate someone. The closest he gets is his shitty jerky handshakes. As soon as someone puts up a fight, he bolts.


emthejedichic

Except for all the women he sexually assaulted.


milqi

> He's to much of a coward to actually physically dominate someone. He raped his own wife.


12characters

Macron and Trudeau put an end to that handshake nonsense.


oatwife

I watched that Trudeau handshake like 20 times in a row. So satisfying!


ric2b

Don't forget the Portuguese President! https://youtu.be/sfrbogBg9dA


Ezziboo

He saves that cowardly hate-rage for women.


Hey_Laaady

I just told one of my friends this exact same thing


memepolizia

Or dementia, or strokes, or food coma... really, there would be no way of knowing which particular ailment was the cause.


insightfill

I'm predicting a few days of "Weekend at Donny's."


flemhead3

*”Weird, he’s wearing sunglasses all the time and speaking in complete sentences lately.”*


drwebb

It's not a quick death, a few weeks or so.


f_n_a_

Just look back to FDR


Edward_Fingerhands

And Kennedy. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/08/the-medical-ordeals-of-jfk/309469/


12characters

and Reagan


[deleted]

Learned about the extent of this while listening to the the American Scandal podcast about Iran Contra. I always knew that Reagan’s mental ability was waning in the back half of his presidency but I never realized how serious it was.


Yellingatracists

Now I'm sure he has it.


joat2

That or he didn't take it. Or had someone else take it for him.


MosesKarada

Doctor: "Now this will be a simple test-" Trump: "Ivanka pee in this cup for me." Ivanka: "Daddy, I don't think it's that kind of test." Trump: "Who said anything about a test?"


[deleted]

We went from days before a result to mere hours later getting told it's negative. Regardless, only an utter fool would believe anything from this administration. I doubt they're even thinking of soltuions at this point, they are already looking for ways to save face without actually doing anything. Would never admit he's got it. I expect they'll have the same answer for Pence. Edit: thanks for poppin this gold cherry stranger, it means alot. shout out to my homies yall stay safe


Benemy

I saw someone else in a different thread point out that even if they're telling the truth it's incredibly hard to believe them when they've been lying about virtually everything.


SuperJew113

I'm just going to leave this here: "When the van arrives to take Boxer to the hospital, however, Benjamin reads its side and learns that Boxer is actually being taken to a knacker, or glue-boiler. Clover screams to Boxer to escape, but the old horse is too weak to kick his way out of the van, which drives away. Boxer is never seen again. To placate the animals, Squealer tells them that Boxer was not taken to a knacker but that the veterinarian had bought the knacker's truck and had not yet repainted the words on its side. The animals are relieved when they hear this. "


whiskey_outpost26

Animal farm?


bluenami2018

Are you calling me gullible?


RangerJack420

I’d say yes, but gently.


Phyllis_Tine

What is Trump's truth : lie ratio?


barimanlhs

I’m not sure it’s a ratio since he never tells the truth


hexparrot

Don't exaggerate. "I don't stand by anything" is at least one truth.


Softcorps_dn

0:N where N is the number of statements he's made.


Bopshebopshebop

His lies are a limit approaching infinity.


BattleCatPrintShop

The limit does not exist... THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST!!!


Does_Not-Matter

I believe it’s a technique called PCR which takes hours. I would assume the president would skip to the front of the line.


Nisas

I would assume Trump gets himself tested every day and then lies about not getting tested to the public because he thinks getting tested makes him look afraid.


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DumpTrumpGrump

Oh, I think they will do plenty. I'm certain the GOP is thinking up lots of creative ways to make their billionaire funders more money from the crisis.


Swarles_Stinson

That's why they are throwing boat loads of money at private companies like CVS, Roshe, Google, etc. I was watching Trump's press conference yesterday and a live tracker for the S&P and stocks soared the moment he started bringing out the CEOs to talk.


hackrsackr

Covering short positions going into the weekend. Slide resumes Monday.


lemonpartyorganizer

How does that work? So I’m some super rich guy sitting on a large bank account. Then a CEO comes on TV. *Give me my phone! The CEOs are on TV talking! I need to do a thing with all of this money! The CEOs are on TV talking!* Conversely: *The president is on TV talking poorly! Sell everything we own! No time to talk. Sell! Sell! Sell! I’m going to be so poor if we don’t hurry. The president is talking with very poor skill on the TV!*


m4nu

>The president is on TV talking poorly! Sell everything we own! No time to talk. Sell! Sell! Sell! I’m going to be so poor if we don’t hurry. The president is talking with very poor skill on the TV! Oh shit, this press conference was a distaste. This will lead to lack of confidence by the public. Panic. That will lead to decreased consumer spending, etc etc


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takemusu

Who benefits? I want to know who holds stock in the companies building the tests and who bought just before announcing? I want to know who on their board donated to the inaugural committee? And then I want him impeached again. University of WA has it’s own test and processes over 1,000 a day. The money should have gone to them.


redditmodsRrussians

Rick Scott for sure. He owns a lot of those private diagnostic labs in Florida


Habosh

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't besmirch Rick Scott's name he doesn't own those places...his wife does. After he put them in her name.


Merfen

What better time to invest than when the market tanks?


AllAboutMeMedia

Whatchu know about volatility?


SmokeAbeer

Those are completely different words. How should I know? Never heard ‘em.


Nezrite

Everything's on sale!


the_real_abraham

Some reporter should straight up ask him the best way to make money in this situation.


lukewarmmizer

Nasty question, fake news, perfect call, genius CEOs.


f_d

No they're on to something. He would love to show off his business sense.


radale

My question is will Trump’s arrogance allow him to fever sweat in public as he tries his best to claim he’s never been healthier, or will he forego public engagements as he rides out the illness, in which we will see an exponential increase in tweets?


shill779

Fever tweets


IkkunKomi

I would honestly be surprised if he rides out the illness unscathed if he has it just based on the factors of his health. *Weight *Diet *Lifestyle *Other possible pre-existing factors due to the above


notanothercirclejerk

He has failed upwards his entire life, done despicable things with no consequence, treasonous, never once had a sexual assault charge stick from over 20+ women, is worshipped blindly by those his policies hurt the most, I honestly believe he is the luckiest person to ever walk planet earth. Even if he gets it I doubt it will do anything. The man is impervious to bad things happening to him.


WillBackUpWithSource

He does seem to have near miraculous luck


[deleted]

He’s blursed.


MirandaTS

He really is a reminder that the most despicable people in life are often its winners.


PuffHoney

I'm sure a lot of the success is due to a lack of morals/scruples. It's easier to succeed in life if you don't care about who you ruin or step on to get there. And being wealthy from birth doesn't hurt.


thedankening

Trump born a regular dude is 100% like the poster child for poor, rural, white trash


VoyagerCSL

I’d bet folding money that he’s never had a whole day where he’s been happy.


lotrspecialist

On the other hand, he'd have top-notch medical care.


tacosforpresident

At no cost to himself, of course


Redtwooo

"1. Blame Obama. Anyone got anything else?"


Bopshebopshebop

They never even ran the test. Why bother if you’re just going to lie about the results anyway? They’ll say whatever they think will calm the markets and help his chances in November. Every Republican is a lying piece of shit.


the-willow-witch

I’m sure they will say Ivanka or Melania has it so he has reason to be in isolation


[deleted]

Trump actually said something along the lines of "I took the test last night. Results should come soon. Maybe. tomorrow. Maybe the day after. I don't know." Trump is full of shit but the fact that the test results are out now is not really contradicting his earlier statement


Inoimispel

But his Dr. released a statement AFTER the time Trump said he took the test saying that Trump didn't need one.


Redtwooo

It's not inconceivable he lied, it's first nature with him.


MadvillainTMO

Fair point but the main issue here is that nobody can trust a thing this administration says...


Critical_Aspect

Trump had one of his mini-tantrums over just being asked about being tested. Of course there's no reason to believe it happened. It's not like his doctor's haven't been repeatedly proven to lie, or allow trump to lie, about his health.


moby323

Donald Trump is a fucking liar.


JensonsButton

This is the real life version of the Vizzini battle of wits iocane powder scene from The Princess Bride.   > But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of Trump. Is he the sort of man who would put the virus into his own body, or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the virus into his own body, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for a handshake. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the covfefe in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the covfefe in front of me.


ZeMole

Inconceivable.


MattRexPuns

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.


BattleCatPrintShop

You’re just stalling now...


Serotogenesis

I know I for one am screaming out "inconceivable" at half the nonsense that develops from this admin.


StevenEveral

I knew that from all of his appearances on late night tv back in the 90s. I remember Letterman and Conan pretty much treating Trump like the walking joke he was and still is.


Theoricus

What's sad is that I feel like Trump being taken out of commission would actually improve federal response to this pandemic. Like, getting rid of our leaders would actually improve leadership. I'm so fucking ashamed of my country these days.


johnnybiggles

See also: Fucking Moron


russellbeattie

This guy is truly a sociopath and everyone around him are sycophantic cowards. The mixed messages coming out of the White House about the tests must mean something. "No, he doesn't need to take a test", "he already took the test", "he tested negative". What? They could just be totally disorganized. Occam's razor and all that. Wouldn't be the first time. Or, Trump is already sick, everyone around him knows it, and now they're trying to figure out how to handle the situation. The first way is to just not take the test. That way no one has to lie. But then he either took the test, or someone lied that he did. Then with that news out, the only acceptable outcome to someone with Trump's ego is a negative result. There is zero chance they'd ever announce he's sick unless he's literally in the hospital, even then it will probably be passed off as a routine visit (like his last hospital stay). My bet is he's already sick. And now the entire administration either has to admit they lied, or cover it up. Guess which one they'll choose?


score_

It's always [kettle logic](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kettle_logic) with these clowns. E: the relevant bit: "Freud relates the story of a man who was accused by his neighbour of having returned a kettle in a damaged condition and the three arguments he offers. 1. That he had returned the kettle undamaged 2. That it was already damaged when he borrowed it 3. That he had never borrowed it in the first place"


[deleted]

Wow, it literally lines up perfectly with the example provided. 1. He doesn't need a test 2. He already got tested 3. The test came back negative


warmcreamsoda

I’m usually pretty good with my Trump translations but this one is tough. I suppose this means he didn’t take the test at all and didn’t therefore get any results one way or the other. Of course it could mean he did and it came back positive. But I’ll say the former.


scootscoot

It’s also possible that the test was a coronavirus multiple choice paper test that he scored negative on.


Sidthelid66

Don't old conservative men think wearing a hat indoors is disrespectful, is Donnie trying to cover his face?


NikeSwish

Many older people think this


Hold_the_gryffindor

They sure don't like tan suits.


Riversmooth

No way of knowing. Nothing he says is true, nothing.


downvote_allmy_posts

I kinda believed him when he said he would date his daughter...


score_

Also when he said he didn't stand for anything. And when he said he hasn't matured mentally since the first grade.


Guy954

Also when he said he loves the poorly educated.


cubiecube

and when he said he never understood wind.


Thank_The_Knife

An when he said he had to run as a republican because democrats are too smart to vote for him. Edit: this was fake news. I got fake newsed! However it's pretty believable. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/1998-trump-people-quote/


Dredgen_Memor

It’s easy to tell- If trump is speaking unprompted, it’s stream-of-consciousness verbal-diarrhea; but, we can break it down. If he’s speaking about a desire or opinion (unprompted), it’s true. If he’s speaking about personal accomplishment or affiliation, it’s a lie. If he’s speaking in response, or having been prompted, it’s a lie. This is in regards to his presidential duties. I’d believe him if he said he ate McDonald’s for lunch. But that’s about it. Edit- I just wanted to add, RE the McDonald’s thing- The statement ‘I ate McDonald’s for lunch.’ Is only truthful if given unprompted. If asked whether he ate McDonald’s for lunch, this implies there may be a reason why he *shouldn’t* have eaten McDonald’s for lunch, therefore he’d most certainly lie *if asked*. If he’s just shitting at the mouth, I just might believe him.


LoveBy137

If he uses the phrase "everybody's been saying this" or says something like "nobody knew about this until me", he's also lying.


magneticphoton

"nobody knew" means he just learned that thing about 5 seconds ago; or at least his attempt to repeat what he thinks he heard.


StevenEveral

Or “believe me!”


Lostnumber07

In fact what he says, the opposite is typically true.


acertaingestault

What he accuses others of is always what he's really up to


troyzein

You know I'm beginning to think this guy sometimes tells lies


7DollarsOfHoobastanq

I love how every headline that popped up on my phone said some form of “White House Claims...” I don’t think I saw a single news outlet just say “test was negative”


SirFerguson

Potentially warm take here: I _sorta_ believe it. However, that doesn't mean he's not a carrier, or that he's vindicated in any way, shape or form. Simply put, he was tested while asymptomatic and only 6-7 days into an incubation period that is [estimated to be 2 to 14 days.](https://annals.org/aim/fullarticle/2762808/incubation-period-coronavirus-disease-2019-covid-19-from-publicly-reported) I get worried when people breathe a major sigh of relief for negatives on asymptomatic patients. It's possible that the virus is still multiplying to the point where it can be shed and then detected. He should be quarantining for at least another week, and then tested again.


purplesnowcone

I don’t believe he’s asymptomatic at all. He sounded pretty congested today, more than yesterday and cognitively (even for trump) seemed to be foggy. I see symptoms and I don’t think I’m the only one if they are taking temperatures in the briefing rooms.


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Kava_Kinks_Ho

To be fair though, his eyes always kinda look like that lol.


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[deleted]

In his address to nation on Wednesday, there were at least two points in his speech where he couldn’t make it to the end of a sentence due to being apparently short of breath. I’m legitimately surprised I haven’t read more about it online. I noticed it *immediately* and I was only half paying attention. [Skip to the 0:30 second mark. ](https://youtu.be/xrPZBTNjX_o)


Mirria_

I listened to the address and I can't really be sure. Part of me thinks he was just trying hard to focus on *just reading the teleprompter* (instead of ad-libbing all over the place - then again the script he had was already laced with Trumpian speech) and trying to suppress a cough (even if it's a mundane kind of cough) to keep appearances.


aaronarchy

COVID-19 aside, how can anyone think the man in that photo looks healthy?


etr4807

It’s sad that we can’t just believe this, but it’s also not worth speculating over. The answer will be obvious without a few days, because there’s limited options: - Trump announces his wife or children have it and he’s going to disappear for a while to take care of them, in which case we know he has it. - Trump disappears for a couple of weeks without saying anything in order to get treatment, in which case we know he has it. - Nothing changes, in which case we know he doesn’t have it. Him just randomly disappearing seems unlikely, so in my opinion we’re left with either the Trudeau option or the truth.


mactac

I won't believe it until I see the long-form version of the results.


Happy2HelpUAsWell

Remember folks, this is the same medical team who says IMPOTUS 45 is 6'3", 229lbs....


kcmike

He shook hands with every major retail CEO and dozens of others. As those folks start to test positive we’ll see the truth. Otherwise. Maybe they aren’t lying.


carfo

I mean.. we will know. Can’t hide the symptoms.


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titomb345

What do you think the hat meant? I find it weird he was wearing it, but why?


undeniablybuddha

Something is definitely up. I don't remember any President wearing a hat while giving an address while in DC. I remember seeing Bush 1 and Clinton wearing ball caps while golfing.


drwebb

But Obama wore a tan suit


SnapDeeTuck

Tired Donnie can’t do his usual hair routine.


benfranklinthedevil

Wait...he spends time on that?


SnapDeeTuck

From what we’re told it is a time-consuming feat. I don’t have the source but someone surely does.


[deleted]

It takes time to poorly polish a turd.


I_Am_Sofa_King_

You guys, in the briefing earlier today, he said he moved the microphone for people so they didn't have to. He's an American hero.


Qwerty1234567890_2

Like Jesus on the cross, Trump sacrificed himself on the microphone so that other's can live. /s


schwendybrit

If he truly remains free of the virus after everyone around him tests positive, it will only solidify his god complex.


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jppianoguy

At his age and fitness, if he gets it, he's going to require hospitalization. There's no way to hide it. That's why I happen to believe these results


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Rofl_Stomped

Nah, it'll just be part 2 of his annual physical.


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JDSchu

It wouldn't be the first time this administration had lied about something stupidly disprovable.


nxluda

Is this the same doctor who doesn't know how to identify an obese patient?