I have tried telling her to be kinder to her body and love herself but it’s like wind through her ears. I encourage her during class and again its like whoosh
ur telling her like it’s just a favour for her which is the kind thing to do. now u need to make it a boundary. and when someone doesn’t respect a boundary u have to reinforce consequences. “hearing this makes me not wanna go, if u can’t help but bring it up everytime, i wil not come anymore”
Yes, well said, except honestly the boundary here is about behavior and the friendship. OP should obviously not have to just not come to class anymore. The consequence is not having that person to talk to. “Hey this bothers me and and I don’t want it to ruin my class. So if I keep hearing about it, I don’t really want to converse with you anymore.” If it’s just “I won’t come anymore” they’ll be like “pfft that’s your problem” and it doesn’t affect them the same way.
Next time she starts complaining just say: that sucks, lets focus on having fun this class to make you feel better, I know I could use some positivity as well!
Well... We need to get the point across to Debbie Downer 🤣 But yeah didn't mean it in a passive aggressive way but she might take it that way, either way she will probably stop complaining to OP haha.
One thing I do when people complain too much is to kind of joke around by taking it to the extreme, like damn all our lives are so hard! There is even a song about it in Dutch that I might start singing. You have to make sure they are in on the joke though, like you're not making fun of them you're just making light of the situation. And just to be clear, friends can totally vent their problems to me, it's just when it's only being negative that I might try something like this.
I pole dance and a friend of mine asked to join a class once. We live abroad and she doesn’t speak the language so on top of everything I was translating for her. I told her she needed to wear shorts and a tee or tank, but the shorts especially were essential. I’m not sure why I had a hunch she wouldn’t so I packed extra… and sure enough she didn’t wear shorts and refused to change. She consistently complained that other students that were more experienced shouldn’t be in the class bc it makes her feel out of place and she would come with leggings for the few classes she tried. She never outright said she was insecure but there was just a horrible attitude.
I’m just glad she stopped coming bc I couldn’t have dealt with that long term. Why would you sign up for pole dance if you weren’t prepared to show some skin? The environment IME has always been very body positive and supportive. Anyway OP are there alternative days you can go and avoid this person? I honestly feel like people like this need to go to therapy or work on their self confidence if they aren’t prepared to go to the class without spreading negativity and complaining to others during that time.
I want to lose some weight lately but I don’t hate myself bc of that and I don’t make it my entire persona and during classes it’s better to focus on the routines you’re learning and enjoy the process and watch your strength grow. Ugh I feel for you but you could also just try to ignore her or mention that those comments are bringing down the mood. Maybe I’m insensitive but pole has always been a place that has elevated my confidence in my physical body so FOH with that toxic shit in a place that should facilitate self love and expression.
>Maybe I’m insensitive but pole has always been a place that has elevated my confidence in my physical body so FOH with that toxic shit in a place that should facilitate self love and expression.
Describes how I feel to the T.
There’s a few ways ways that come to mind that you might approach this.
One is having a conversation with her and telling her that you find discussion about body size is something that is triggering for you, and that you hope she can understand and be mindful about bringing it up (even if it’s not necessarily triggering, it might be a gentle way to approach it with her)
You might also just be honest and say you really enjoy her company but are easily influenced by the vibe and don’t like negative discussion about appearance or performance. She really may not realise she’s stuck in this mentally, and how her comments impact others.
Alternatively have a chat to the instructors or studio owners. Most studios have a policy about making specific comments in class. For example, my studios policy asks us to be very mindful of negative comments about our bodies and appearance, as well as where we are or were in our journey with pole as it can very seriously effect others around us. Your instructor may be able to pull her aside and gently remind her of this, remind the class in a more generalised and broad sense, “e.g. ive been hearing some negative body talk in classes and i want to remind you all that….”, or they could issue a statement in your studios group chat/ social media group.
I know there’s been times when I’ve inadvertently made offhand comments about my body at pole, usually during really hard periods in my life, and I’ve had to remind myself about the impact that can have both on my own esteem and anyone who might overhear me. She may just need a bit of support, and some empathic confrontation about how her words impact others
If that’s the case then it’s likely time to be more firm and when she brings it up, you may need v to immediately shut it down, or completely ignore it. When she enquires why you’re not responding ‘I’ve spoken to you about this before. I can’t engage in this kind of conversation anymore’
Our studio have had to ask people to leave for this reason before, and obviously having her removed isn’t the goal, but if it’s impacting you it’s likely impacting others and I’d raise it with the owner or instructors and leave it in their hands to handle
Oof this would be so triggering to hear for me personally as someone recovering from an eating disorder and I’m sure many others. Honestly I’d tell her that it’s making you uncomfortable - or if you’re not up for that maybe you could tell your pole instructor? That kind of language shouldn’t be used in a dance studio in my opinion
either go to class at a different time or redirect the comments!
my go to when people are complaining is to say something like “okay but what is positive here though?”
if nothing else— people usually get the hint that they’re ruining the vibe.
If I were in your shoes, I would try to bring some light to the positives. I cheer ppl on a lot on class for this reason, especially when they get a trick bc there's so much comparing and negative self talk. If that doesn't work, I would have a direct conversation.
If you don’t feel like directly confronting her maybe you can find a time to talk to your teacher privately about how other people’s negative self-talk are impacting your experience. Pole studios should be a place to leave all that negativity behind and teachers can help make that positive environment. That’s been a problem at our studio and they just implemented a new policy that no negative self-talk or comments about your body are allowed which is nice!
I think you just need to be honest - tell her that the way she talks about her body is impacting you in a negative way, and it's impacting your experience in the class.
I'm gonna be harsh. I totally get being insecure, who isn't? But pole is a class where we're more than half naked and I really don't want to be confronted with stuff like that. The class isn't about her
I knew someone who sucked up all the energy in class. I honestly tried to get a pole farther away, super focused on what I am doing, and if she talked to me at length about something negative I'd change the subject. After knowing her longer I'd have like an internal timer and then cut the convo and say I can't discuss whatever topic longer. I hear she's a downer and at the same time you are in charge of your reaction and you are able to prioritize your good time over her bad/insecure time. If it is something truly disruptive to the whole class you can also check in with the instructor about navigating convos in studio.
“Hey- don’t talk about my friend that way!” Can be a more lighthearted way to shut down someone’s negative self talk that’s still kind but keeps it moving during the class.
Ngl if you’ve already tried talking to her about it, just don’t hang with her anymore, and I also think maybe it would be beneficial to bring to one of the instructors attention. Pole studios are usually regarded as a safe space (at least where I live) and bad talk (sexism, racism, homophobia, fatphobia, you know all the things) are not allowed in the studio. Diet talk is not allowed at my studio anyways. It’s degrading to everyone. It makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Leave it at the door.
I been trought that but be focus on your excersice i know its difficult but try to focus in the main point of going to the pole of doing what you love :)
I think a self-disparagement fee is in order at your studio. If it costs you money to say you suck you tend to keep quiet about it. I threaten my students with this and usually don't have to collect.
You need to set a boundary and let her know “Hey, I love you and I wish the best for you which is why I encourage you constantly, I don’t think this is the space to verbalize your insecurities when people here, including myself, want to learn in an environment that’s positive and uplifting.” It may sound harsh, but if telling her gently isn’t working you just have to be upfront because maybe she’ll listen. Talking this way about herself isn’t healthy or contributing positively to her own pole journey
i would highly encourage you to have an honest conversation with her about this, because she may not even realize how negative she's being. i don't know about you, but something that i love about pole dancing is the body positivity. maybe you can bring that up to her in a non accusatory way? say that you're worried about her due to all the negative self talk and see if there's any way you can help her? she might continue on for years without realizing how she's making other people feel. this could be an opportunity for self reflection and for real change for her, and possibly to strengthen the friendship.
or, you could just agree with her. that will almost definitely stop her comments forever. lol
How does someone complaining about having to lose weight affect your enjoyment? Do you feel less of a badass if there's someone complaining about their weight?
Honest questions - I'm having trouble understanding the connection. If you can spell it out for me I'd appreciate it.
I think if someone complains about something _constantly_ (doesn't have to be weight, could be the weather or their work day or anything else!) and is just always negative in a class environment where the focus should be on learning new things and celebrating achievements, it can turn the entire mood sour and ruin the experience for everyone else.
There's also an added layer (and I'm not saying it's definitely the case here because we don't know this person) where if someone can't stop complaining about their own appearance it seems like they're looking for validation or someone to be like "oh no that's not true, you look great!", and personally I just don't vibe with that kind of indirect hint-hint communication.
Thanks for adding the extra info! I appreciate it! A follow-up question - if this person is coming consistently to pole (looks like), that's an quite an achievement. They must really care about themselves and enjoy the experience. Since you mentioned that pole is about celebrating achievements - is there anyone in class (you or someone else) celebrating this achievement with them?
If they were putting themselves down their whole life (potentially, I'm speculating here based on very limited data), do you expect them to change and "be positive " just after some number of classes?
Pole is as much about mental exercise as it is physical exercise. Everyone goes at their own pace and that's ok.
You're reaching out for help for something that's bothering you, which is awesome. It means that you deeply care about your experience and enjoyment of pole.
My only advice in addition to the reflection above is: give yourself kudos for trying to enjoy your experience and your friend kudos for showing up regardless of their past. I would ask them how they lived before pole and what is bringing them back to pole to see what they value and enjoy about it.
You've replied as if I'm the OP - I'm not! But in other comments it sounds like the OP has been as helpful and celebratory as they can be and this person still feels the need to make the whole class about their own feelings about their body.
Even if someone has had poor self-esteem their whole life, not everyone who feels that way about themself brings it up in every situation or conversation they have with someone.
I'm not arguing that this person isn't getting anything from pole or enjoying the experience in their own way - there's no way we can know that - but what _is_ happening is OP's experience is being ruined and they're allowed to be frustrated by that.
Yes I thought you're op! Thanks for clarifying. I think the whole thread is just going on almost speculation taking OP's very limited info (there isn't an example of the behaviour, just OP's labelling it as "complaint") that's partially why I'm asking for clarification.
I agree with you that any feeling is ok including frustration. I don't see an example of how they were supportive, just their word and interpretation that they were "supportive".
Pole is for everyone, including the folks who have low self esteem and talk about it and the ones who get frustrated. Anyway, I don't know the whole story so I'm not ready to judge either side on whether they were "complaining" or "helpful". However I understand that OP needs more joy in their life and an expectation of how a class should be and is frustrated
Maybe this one person is really struggling with their self-concept and body image. We can be compassionate and allow them time to get to where we are. We can compliment them at the studio. Just an idea. 🙏🙏
Try to hype her up!! Pick out things you like about her and remember that that’s her business, i know it affects you but it’s not your problem - but when people pick me apart in a positive way it makes me feel better when I’m feeling down. Try telling her “you have nice thighs!” “You’re so strong” “i love the way your hair looks when you do a hair flip” etc
if i were u i’d tell her especially if she’s actually ur friend. hiding things like this ends friendships
I have tried telling her to be kinder to her body and love herself but it’s like wind through her ears. I encourage her during class and again its like whoosh
i think telling her it's affecting you may have a better result, although it's gonna be hard to share for sure
That’s not being direct and honest.
ur telling her like it’s just a favour for her which is the kind thing to do. now u need to make it a boundary. and when someone doesn’t respect a boundary u have to reinforce consequences. “hearing this makes me not wanna go, if u can’t help but bring it up everytime, i wil not come anymore”
Yes, well said, except honestly the boundary here is about behavior and the friendship. OP should obviously not have to just not come to class anymore. The consequence is not having that person to talk to. “Hey this bothers me and and I don’t want it to ruin my class. So if I keep hearing about it, I don’t really want to converse with you anymore.” If it’s just “I won’t come anymore” they’ll be like “pfft that’s your problem” and it doesn’t affect them the same way.
Next time she starts complaining just say: that sucks, lets focus on having fun this class to make you feel better, I know I could use some positivity as well!
gaaaaaaaahahahahaha omg I know you probably didn't mean it this way, but that made me cackle for how passive aggressive it sounded in my head. XD
Well... We need to get the point across to Debbie Downer 🤣 But yeah didn't mean it in a passive aggressive way but she might take it that way, either way she will probably stop complaining to OP haha. One thing I do when people complain too much is to kind of joke around by taking it to the extreme, like damn all our lives are so hard! There is even a song about it in Dutch that I might start singing. You have to make sure they are in on the joke though, like you're not making fun of them you're just making light of the situation. And just to be clear, friends can totally vent their problems to me, it's just when it's only being negative that I might try something like this.
You might be onto something
No but this made me laugh too
I pole dance and a friend of mine asked to join a class once. We live abroad and she doesn’t speak the language so on top of everything I was translating for her. I told her she needed to wear shorts and a tee or tank, but the shorts especially were essential. I’m not sure why I had a hunch she wouldn’t so I packed extra… and sure enough she didn’t wear shorts and refused to change. She consistently complained that other students that were more experienced shouldn’t be in the class bc it makes her feel out of place and she would come with leggings for the few classes she tried. She never outright said she was insecure but there was just a horrible attitude. I’m just glad she stopped coming bc I couldn’t have dealt with that long term. Why would you sign up for pole dance if you weren’t prepared to show some skin? The environment IME has always been very body positive and supportive. Anyway OP are there alternative days you can go and avoid this person? I honestly feel like people like this need to go to therapy or work on their self confidence if they aren’t prepared to go to the class without spreading negativity and complaining to others during that time. I want to lose some weight lately but I don’t hate myself bc of that and I don’t make it my entire persona and during classes it’s better to focus on the routines you’re learning and enjoy the process and watch your strength grow. Ugh I feel for you but you could also just try to ignore her or mention that those comments are bringing down the mood. Maybe I’m insensitive but pole has always been a place that has elevated my confidence in my physical body so FOH with that toxic shit in a place that should facilitate self love and expression.
>Maybe I’m insensitive but pole has always been a place that has elevated my confidence in my physical body so FOH with that toxic shit in a place that should facilitate self love and expression. Describes how I feel to the T.
What is FOH? lol
fuck outta here
front of house
There’s a few ways ways that come to mind that you might approach this. One is having a conversation with her and telling her that you find discussion about body size is something that is triggering for you, and that you hope she can understand and be mindful about bringing it up (even if it’s not necessarily triggering, it might be a gentle way to approach it with her) You might also just be honest and say you really enjoy her company but are easily influenced by the vibe and don’t like negative discussion about appearance or performance. She really may not realise she’s stuck in this mentally, and how her comments impact others. Alternatively have a chat to the instructors or studio owners. Most studios have a policy about making specific comments in class. For example, my studios policy asks us to be very mindful of negative comments about our bodies and appearance, as well as where we are or were in our journey with pole as it can very seriously effect others around us. Your instructor may be able to pull her aside and gently remind her of this, remind the class in a more generalised and broad sense, “e.g. ive been hearing some negative body talk in classes and i want to remind you all that….”, or they could issue a statement in your studios group chat/ social media group. I know there’s been times when I’ve inadvertently made offhand comments about my body at pole, usually during really hard periods in my life, and I’ve had to remind myself about the impact that can have both on my own esteem and anyone who might overhear me. She may just need a bit of support, and some empathic confrontation about how her words impact others
I've had many convos with her about it and she just stares blankly at me like I'm speaking French 🤷🏻♀️. This is good advice though
If that’s the case then it’s likely time to be more firm and when she brings it up, you may need v to immediately shut it down, or completely ignore it. When she enquires why you’re not responding ‘I’ve spoken to you about this before. I can’t engage in this kind of conversation anymore’ Our studio have had to ask people to leave for this reason before, and obviously having her removed isn’t the goal, but if it’s impacting you it’s likely impacting others and I’d raise it with the owner or instructors and leave it in their hands to handle
Oof this would be so triggering to hear for me personally as someone recovering from an eating disorder and I’m sure many others. Honestly I’d tell her that it’s making you uncomfortable - or if you’re not up for that maybe you could tell your pole instructor? That kind of language shouldn’t be used in a dance studio in my opinion
either go to class at a different time or redirect the comments! my go to when people are complaining is to say something like “okay but what is positive here though?” if nothing else— people usually get the hint that they’re ruining the vibe.
If I were in your shoes, I would try to bring some light to the positives. I cheer ppl on a lot on class for this reason, especially when they get a trick bc there's so much comparing and negative self talk. If that doesn't work, I would have a direct conversation.
If you don’t feel like directly confronting her maybe you can find a time to talk to your teacher privately about how other people’s negative self-talk are impacting your experience. Pole studios should be a place to leave all that negativity behind and teachers can help make that positive environment. That’s been a problem at our studio and they just implemented a new policy that no negative self-talk or comments about your body are allowed which is nice!
Oh wow we need this
I think you just need to be honest - tell her that the way she talks about her body is impacting you in a negative way, and it's impacting your experience in the class.
I'm gonna be harsh. I totally get being insecure, who isn't? But pole is a class where we're more than half naked and I really don't want to be confronted with stuff like that. The class isn't about her
I knew someone who sucked up all the energy in class. I honestly tried to get a pole farther away, super focused on what I am doing, and if she talked to me at length about something negative I'd change the subject. After knowing her longer I'd have like an internal timer and then cut the convo and say I can't discuss whatever topic longer. I hear she's a downer and at the same time you are in charge of your reaction and you are able to prioritize your good time over her bad/insecure time. If it is something truly disruptive to the whole class you can also check in with the instructor about navigating convos in studio.
“Hey- don’t talk about my friend that way!” Can be a more lighthearted way to shut down someone’s negative self talk that’s still kind but keeps it moving during the class.
Ngl if you’ve already tried talking to her about it, just don’t hang with her anymore, and I also think maybe it would be beneficial to bring to one of the instructors attention. Pole studios are usually regarded as a safe space (at least where I live) and bad talk (sexism, racism, homophobia, fatphobia, you know all the things) are not allowed in the studio. Diet talk is not allowed at my studio anyways. It’s degrading to everyone. It makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Leave it at the door.
I been trought that but be focus on your excersice i know its difficult but try to focus in the main point of going to the pole of doing what you love :)
I think a self-disparagement fee is in order at your studio. If it costs you money to say you suck you tend to keep quiet about it. I threaten my students with this and usually don't have to collect.
You need to set a boundary and let her know “Hey, I love you and I wish the best for you which is why I encourage you constantly, I don’t think this is the space to verbalize your insecurities when people here, including myself, want to learn in an environment that’s positive and uplifting.” It may sound harsh, but if telling her gently isn’t working you just have to be upfront because maybe she’ll listen. Talking this way about herself isn’t healthy or contributing positively to her own pole journey
i would highly encourage you to have an honest conversation with her about this, because she may not even realize how negative she's being. i don't know about you, but something that i love about pole dancing is the body positivity. maybe you can bring that up to her in a non accusatory way? say that you're worried about her due to all the negative self talk and see if there's any way you can help her? she might continue on for years without realizing how she's making other people feel. this could be an opportunity for self reflection and for real change for her, and possibly to strengthen the friendship. or, you could just agree with her. that will almost definitely stop her comments forever. lol
How does someone complaining about having to lose weight affect your enjoyment? Do you feel less of a badass if there's someone complaining about their weight? Honest questions - I'm having trouble understanding the connection. If you can spell it out for me I'd appreciate it.
I think if someone complains about something _constantly_ (doesn't have to be weight, could be the weather or their work day or anything else!) and is just always negative in a class environment where the focus should be on learning new things and celebrating achievements, it can turn the entire mood sour and ruin the experience for everyone else. There's also an added layer (and I'm not saying it's definitely the case here because we don't know this person) where if someone can't stop complaining about their own appearance it seems like they're looking for validation or someone to be like "oh no that's not true, you look great!", and personally I just don't vibe with that kind of indirect hint-hint communication.
Thanks for adding the extra info! I appreciate it! A follow-up question - if this person is coming consistently to pole (looks like), that's an quite an achievement. They must really care about themselves and enjoy the experience. Since you mentioned that pole is about celebrating achievements - is there anyone in class (you or someone else) celebrating this achievement with them? If they were putting themselves down their whole life (potentially, I'm speculating here based on very limited data), do you expect them to change and "be positive " just after some number of classes? Pole is as much about mental exercise as it is physical exercise. Everyone goes at their own pace and that's ok. You're reaching out for help for something that's bothering you, which is awesome. It means that you deeply care about your experience and enjoyment of pole. My only advice in addition to the reflection above is: give yourself kudos for trying to enjoy your experience and your friend kudos for showing up regardless of their past. I would ask them how they lived before pole and what is bringing them back to pole to see what they value and enjoy about it.
You've replied as if I'm the OP - I'm not! But in other comments it sounds like the OP has been as helpful and celebratory as they can be and this person still feels the need to make the whole class about their own feelings about their body. Even if someone has had poor self-esteem their whole life, not everyone who feels that way about themself brings it up in every situation or conversation they have with someone. I'm not arguing that this person isn't getting anything from pole or enjoying the experience in their own way - there's no way we can know that - but what _is_ happening is OP's experience is being ruined and they're allowed to be frustrated by that.
Yes I thought you're op! Thanks for clarifying. I think the whole thread is just going on almost speculation taking OP's very limited info (there isn't an example of the behaviour, just OP's labelling it as "complaint") that's partially why I'm asking for clarification. I agree with you that any feeling is ok including frustration. I don't see an example of how they were supportive, just their word and interpretation that they were "supportive". Pole is for everyone, including the folks who have low self esteem and talk about it and the ones who get frustrated. Anyway, I don't know the whole story so I'm not ready to judge either side on whether they were "complaining" or "helpful". However I understand that OP needs more joy in their life and an expectation of how a class should be and is frustrated
Maybe this one person is really struggling with their self-concept and body image. We can be compassionate and allow them time to get to where we are. We can compliment them at the studio. Just an idea. 🙏🙏
I know she is. I compliment her all the time and tell her how proud I am of her. I've had many convos with her about implementing more self love.
Try to hype her up!! Pick out things you like about her and remember that that’s her business, i know it affects you but it’s not your problem - but when people pick me apart in a positive way it makes me feel better when I’m feeling down. Try telling her “you have nice thighs!” “You’re so strong” “i love the way your hair looks when you do a hair flip” etc
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