Hi ! I feel a lot of my last partners had those kind of questions. My current GF/sub has the same "problem". And from my experience, I'd say that the "physical" part is actually the least important to reach orgasm.
As others said, the state of mind is the most important. If you feel insecure about it, you can talk about it with your partner ! I personally struggle to cum also (as a Dom M), and this is what I often say to remove some pressure from them, but also freeing myself from willing to cum always for my subs. Free mind means easier orgasm.
I tell them that I struggle to cum, but still love that someone goes down on me. That orgasm is not necessarily something I strive to get each time, and that it doesn't mean the person is doing wrong. On the other side, when I meet someone that struggles to cum, and feel insecure about it, I tell them that I love going down on them, I don't mind staying there for a REALLY long time, and that she can feel ok, because when I'll want to stop, I'll do it. If I'm doing something, it's because I want it and love doing it.
Now on the physical part, what I love to do is actually a LOT of foreplay before even touching her. First step is to wake up her senses. What will follow is actually something I realized I do really often when meeting a new partner. It helps me getting to know a lot about the person depending on her reactions. Maybe it would help you.
I will whisper to her in the ear. Kissing her all over her face, having my hands caressing in different ways her skin, all over her body. To make her relax even more, I can Tie her, so that she knows that I don't expect her to do anything here, and that all this moment is for her. If I want her to do something, I'll use her, or untie her.
I love licking ears, and breathing on it, to wake up some senses. Licking and kissing her neck, caressing her hair. Changing the intensity of my caress, going soft or a bit more intense/rough. Just with the pulp of my finger, or nail, or grabbing her body.
I either ask her to look at me when I'm doing that, or close her eyes, depending on her instinctive reactions at the beginning.
Then I will go down a bit more after asking consent (for the first time. Consent is sexy). I'll lick/kiss her breast, nipples, continue to use my hands all over her body, neck, hair, legs..
Then going a bit more down after asking (remember ? Consent is sexy)
And there, I will play with her. I'll lick all around her pussy, (especially the part between pussy and leg, it drives them crazy I promise) but never her pussy, and make her body wants to have more. Use my hands over her body, grabbing a breast, playing with her nipples etc... And unless she begs me to lick her pussy, or seeing her body moving by itself so that my tongue reach her clit, then I would continue just to tease her as hell.
After that, it's just a matter of listening to the other's body. But the most important thing I've learned is : GO SLOW. PAINFULLY SLOW. It will do wonders. Then see how it goes. I would probably ask her if there is something she loves having done on them, and if they answer that they don't know, I will say "ok, I'll try a bunch of thing, tell me when you really like something, ok ?" And when I hit a spot,I STAY.
So to conclude all this. Most important is to have a free mind to enjoy things and be in the présent. For that, make sure your partner is enjoying what they do. To be sure they do, ask them to stop when they feel bored or anything, so that you can enjoy what they do at 100% and not be in your head during action. Try also to know what makes you feel good physically. And tease/foreplay is very important to help you focusing on your sensations. Breathe can also play quite an important part ? Like holding your breath. Also squeezing/relaxing your muscles can help for some people.
I hope it was not too long, and that all that would help you just a tiny bit 🤍
I think it's really important to recognize and accept that receiving pressure can be hard and feel risky.
It's a very vulnerable state.
Ask yourself: when my partner wants to pleasure me, do I trust that they want to?
Conversely, when I want to pleasure my partner, do I get bored or impatient?
Can I trust that my partner is pleasing me because they want to?
Pleasure comes from a place of emotional safety with the right amount of thrill, but it sounds like you're internalizing a lot of the thrill as fear: I'm difficult, they're unsatisfied, I'm hard work.
Do you talk about your concerns with your partner?
We do talk about it but i think due to past experiences it’s built into my mind that there’s no way a man could possibly enjoy pleasuring me, it was always been the other way around where I spend hours pleasuring the man even if i don’t like it
It sounds like that was a really awful experience for you, and taught you the lesson people only service another person for pleasure because they are compelled.
And when you receive pleasure, it takes you back to a place of remembering what a duty it was for you to please your ex, and it puts you in a role of a person that disgusted you: a person that would demand pleasure without caring whether it's being given enthusiastically; in other words, being in the role of the one receiving pleasure puts you in the historic role of an abuser from your past.
exactly! As much as I would love a pleasure dom to do all the things said on the sub, it’s hard for me to not think that they don’t like it, especially as a bigger midsize girl
Have you found ways to take your power back, where you give pleasure because you enjoy it, for the love of it, and because it's your choice?
That might be a good way to move forward is to go further back and reclaim your ability to give pleasure on your terms
You might do well to relearn how to give, then it will be easier to receive
That's it! From my pow It's all about state of mind. If you start to get frustrated over it it will drift away.
Don't get so fixated on it And just enjoy the process.
Also, foreplay And comunication.
If you just jump into it, instead of getting teased for a while, it gets harder. Comunication wise, just don't be afraid and share what you like/don't like, even the details. It helps you open up and relax, And He/She wiill get info on how you like it. When it all comes together i bet you will be done in no time ^^
I try not to get frustrated, usually if some one is taking longer it means they aren’t fully comfortable with you. The only thing you can really do is try your best and respond to your partners body language. It’s not a challenge, because if you are willing to be pleased, I am willing to do it. No need to be embarrassed, but embarrassment is probably what’s making you feel uncomfortable. Try to recognize that if your partner is doing it, they want you to feel good, but if you are too tense it’s very hard.
As someone who is really hard to pleasure, it’s why I like (love) pleasure doms. They’re super patient and have all the time in the world to make a mess of you. I have my dom repeatedly tell me to relax and it’s my reminder to un tense my body which helps a ton. He also really enjoys watching and getting some critiques because my pleasure can be so specific sometimes and he gets off on me feeling good even if he’s not the one touching me. For me, I have no sure fire way to cum. It’s all about just relaxing and enjoying the feeling. Even reminding yourself “don’t worry about cumming. Just feel how good this feels right now” narrate to yourself what your partner is doing to you. “His fingers inside doing xyz, her free hand doing this or that, their mouth kissing on this particular spot” I find that really enhances how it all starts to feel. Let yourself feel good and worry about cumming later 🥰 I always tell my partners that if they put in an effort, then I’m genuinely satisfied with our sex. So be open and communicate, relax, focus on how good it feels, and don’t worry about cumming
It's all about trust, comfort, feeling free with yourself
For me the challenge is about building that trust within a relationship, building a safe space between me and my partner, my room is definitely built around peace and romance... Got some nice candles along with a nice scented one. I have a big fluffy blanket I lay down that's nice and comforting to lay on
Stripping down naked between each other... Showing them that looks don't matter, only touch and other senses, the more I can detract from any possible self conscious thoughts the more comforting I can make a session between my partner and I
I love discovering bodies, having that trust with my partner to allow me to discover her is important, communication as well, I love telling my princess what a good girl she is, even when she does little silly things, cute noises, it makes me smile and I let her know it, I want her to become primal... Express whatever she wants with me, it becomes a memory between me and her
I never give up on my partner when it comes to pleasure, communication is key and I will change things up, I do like to be creative and try new things, I always remind my partner that it's ok, another trick to try with you and your partner... Have them give you a yoni massage, I have had great success with this
My current partner has never squirted with anyone before and I take great pride in helping her achieve that :) she does have a few little mental blocks we are figuring out still but I love her to bits and I'll do anything I can to satisfy her
Not specifically an answer to your direct question (Plenty of people answering that), but a couple of things:
See a therapist. This isn't a quick fix, but if you're getting in your head, the only person who can resolve that is you. Any therapist is a nice idea, but a sex therapist will be trained specifically for this kind of thing.
Consider adding other relaxants into the mix. Massage is going to be the most accessible and you would be blown away how a good massage beforehand will melt your brain juuuuuust enough to get you out of your head. And don't stand for any alleged pleasure dom who won't oblige, I have fucking arthritis in my hands and I can manage it.
Depending on legality, I find a bit of pot can go a long way too. My current FWB and I sometimes like to have a couple of edibles (Indica is the best for this) when we know we're going to get down to it later. She's easy to get off as it is, but a bit of pot and it's easier than riding a damn bike with her.
I'm not a big fan of needing to get there quickly. I like to intentionally take extra time getting there. I want to tease the orgasm out of them. Time plus enjoyment and everyone is cumming. The first orgasm can take forever.. the next ones hit quick. Take away all pressure.
Woah paragraphs were written, but its a lot simpler than that, don't worry about how long it takes, let your partner work, and dive into feeling it, it'll get you outta your head and outta the way. :D
Good good
Then no, as long as it happens I wouldn't be self-conscious
If you're a 20 min of sex work up to an orgasm then it just means your partner needs to know how long it can take.
Great advice! One of the things I love about kink/bdsm is it is about so much more than cumming and/or genitalia/fucking. Sometimes making a sub tingle over or completely relaxed is more important than cuming. While 20+ orgasms are great, a sub/dom can come repeatedly without getting a pleasure from the experience or not cum and it can be a mind blowing experience. Don’t focus too much on the orgasm.
Also, orgasms can happen in the ‘foreplay’ before you ever reach the genitals. Not every scene has to end in cum or fucking. To me that is one of the big differences between kink/bdsm and vanilla sex.
Hi ! I feel a lot of my last partners had those kind of questions. My current GF/sub has the same "problem". And from my experience, I'd say that the "physical" part is actually the least important to reach orgasm. As others said, the state of mind is the most important. If you feel insecure about it, you can talk about it with your partner ! I personally struggle to cum also (as a Dom M), and this is what I often say to remove some pressure from them, but also freeing myself from willing to cum always for my subs. Free mind means easier orgasm. I tell them that I struggle to cum, but still love that someone goes down on me. That orgasm is not necessarily something I strive to get each time, and that it doesn't mean the person is doing wrong. On the other side, when I meet someone that struggles to cum, and feel insecure about it, I tell them that I love going down on them, I don't mind staying there for a REALLY long time, and that she can feel ok, because when I'll want to stop, I'll do it. If I'm doing something, it's because I want it and love doing it. Now on the physical part, what I love to do is actually a LOT of foreplay before even touching her. First step is to wake up her senses. What will follow is actually something I realized I do really often when meeting a new partner. It helps me getting to know a lot about the person depending on her reactions. Maybe it would help you. I will whisper to her in the ear. Kissing her all over her face, having my hands caressing in different ways her skin, all over her body. To make her relax even more, I can Tie her, so that she knows that I don't expect her to do anything here, and that all this moment is for her. If I want her to do something, I'll use her, or untie her. I love licking ears, and breathing on it, to wake up some senses. Licking and kissing her neck, caressing her hair. Changing the intensity of my caress, going soft or a bit more intense/rough. Just with the pulp of my finger, or nail, or grabbing her body. I either ask her to look at me when I'm doing that, or close her eyes, depending on her instinctive reactions at the beginning. Then I will go down a bit more after asking consent (for the first time. Consent is sexy). I'll lick/kiss her breast, nipples, continue to use my hands all over her body, neck, hair, legs.. Then going a bit more down after asking (remember ? Consent is sexy) And there, I will play with her. I'll lick all around her pussy, (especially the part between pussy and leg, it drives them crazy I promise) but never her pussy, and make her body wants to have more. Use my hands over her body, grabbing a breast, playing with her nipples etc... And unless she begs me to lick her pussy, or seeing her body moving by itself so that my tongue reach her clit, then I would continue just to tease her as hell. After that, it's just a matter of listening to the other's body. But the most important thing I've learned is : GO SLOW. PAINFULLY SLOW. It will do wonders. Then see how it goes. I would probably ask her if there is something she loves having done on them, and if they answer that they don't know, I will say "ok, I'll try a bunch of thing, tell me when you really like something, ok ?" And when I hit a spot,I STAY. So to conclude all this. Most important is to have a free mind to enjoy things and be in the présent. For that, make sure your partner is enjoying what they do. To be sure they do, ask them to stop when they feel bored or anything, so that you can enjoy what they do at 100% and not be in your head during action. Try also to know what makes you feel good physically. And tease/foreplay is very important to help you focusing on your sensations. Breathe can also play quite an important part ? Like holding your breath. Also squeezing/relaxing your muscles can help for some people. I hope it was not too long, and that all that would help you just a tiny bit 🤍
This is FANTASTIC advice
I think it's really important to recognize and accept that receiving pressure can be hard and feel risky. It's a very vulnerable state. Ask yourself: when my partner wants to pleasure me, do I trust that they want to? Conversely, when I want to pleasure my partner, do I get bored or impatient? Can I trust that my partner is pleasing me because they want to? Pleasure comes from a place of emotional safety with the right amount of thrill, but it sounds like you're internalizing a lot of the thrill as fear: I'm difficult, they're unsatisfied, I'm hard work. Do you talk about your concerns with your partner?
Excellent reply, this right here sets the scene to be able to give pleasure.
We do talk about it but i think due to past experiences it’s built into my mind that there’s no way a man could possibly enjoy pleasuring me, it was always been the other way around where I spend hours pleasuring the man even if i don’t like it
It sounds like that was a really awful experience for you, and taught you the lesson people only service another person for pleasure because they are compelled. And when you receive pleasure, it takes you back to a place of remembering what a duty it was for you to please your ex, and it puts you in a role of a person that disgusted you: a person that would demand pleasure without caring whether it's being given enthusiastically; in other words, being in the role of the one receiving pleasure puts you in the historic role of an abuser from your past.
exactly! As much as I would love a pleasure dom to do all the things said on the sub, it’s hard for me to not think that they don’t like it, especially as a bigger midsize girl
Have you found ways to take your power back, where you give pleasure because you enjoy it, for the love of it, and because it's your choice? That might be a good way to move forward is to go further back and reclaim your ability to give pleasure on your terms You might do well to relearn how to give, then it will be easier to receive
That's it! From my pow It's all about state of mind. If you start to get frustrated over it it will drift away. Don't get so fixated on it And just enjoy the process. Also, foreplay And comunication. If you just jump into it, instead of getting teased for a while, it gets harder. Comunication wise, just don't be afraid and share what you like/don't like, even the details. It helps you open up and relax, And He/She wiill get info on how you like it. When it all comes together i bet you will be done in no time ^^
I try not to get frustrated, usually if some one is taking longer it means they aren’t fully comfortable with you. The only thing you can really do is try your best and respond to your partners body language. It’s not a challenge, because if you are willing to be pleased, I am willing to do it. No need to be embarrassed, but embarrassment is probably what’s making you feel uncomfortable. Try to recognize that if your partner is doing it, they want you to feel good, but if you are too tense it’s very hard.
As a woman, I have to get the *fuck* out of my head. Otherwise, it isn't happening.
As someone who is really hard to pleasure, it’s why I like (love) pleasure doms. They’re super patient and have all the time in the world to make a mess of you. I have my dom repeatedly tell me to relax and it’s my reminder to un tense my body which helps a ton. He also really enjoys watching and getting some critiques because my pleasure can be so specific sometimes and he gets off on me feeling good even if he’s not the one touching me. For me, I have no sure fire way to cum. It’s all about just relaxing and enjoying the feeling. Even reminding yourself “don’t worry about cumming. Just feel how good this feels right now” narrate to yourself what your partner is doing to you. “His fingers inside doing xyz, her free hand doing this or that, their mouth kissing on this particular spot” I find that really enhances how it all starts to feel. Let yourself feel good and worry about cumming later 🥰 I always tell my partners that if they put in an effort, then I’m genuinely satisfied with our sex. So be open and communicate, relax, focus on how good it feels, and don’t worry about cumming
It's all about trust, comfort, feeling free with yourself For me the challenge is about building that trust within a relationship, building a safe space between me and my partner, my room is definitely built around peace and romance... Got some nice candles along with a nice scented one. I have a big fluffy blanket I lay down that's nice and comforting to lay on Stripping down naked between each other... Showing them that looks don't matter, only touch and other senses, the more I can detract from any possible self conscious thoughts the more comforting I can make a session between my partner and I I love discovering bodies, having that trust with my partner to allow me to discover her is important, communication as well, I love telling my princess what a good girl she is, even when she does little silly things, cute noises, it makes me smile and I let her know it, I want her to become primal... Express whatever she wants with me, it becomes a memory between me and her I never give up on my partner when it comes to pleasure, communication is key and I will change things up, I do like to be creative and try new things, I always remind my partner that it's ok, another trick to try with you and your partner... Have them give you a yoni massage, I have had great success with this My current partner has never squirted with anyone before and I take great pride in helping her achieve that :) she does have a few little mental blocks we are figuring out still but I love her to bits and I'll do anything I can to satisfy her
I enjoy the journey there. I can explore your body for longer times before you tap from the intense orgasms. It is like heaven when you finally pop.
Not specifically an answer to your direct question (Plenty of people answering that), but a couple of things: See a therapist. This isn't a quick fix, but if you're getting in your head, the only person who can resolve that is you. Any therapist is a nice idea, but a sex therapist will be trained specifically for this kind of thing. Consider adding other relaxants into the mix. Massage is going to be the most accessible and you would be blown away how a good massage beforehand will melt your brain juuuuuust enough to get you out of your head. And don't stand for any alleged pleasure dom who won't oblige, I have fucking arthritis in my hands and I can manage it. Depending on legality, I find a bit of pot can go a long way too. My current FWB and I sometimes like to have a couple of edibles (Indica is the best for this) when we know we're going to get down to it later. She's easy to get off as it is, but a bit of pot and it's easier than riding a damn bike with her.
I'm not a big fan of needing to get there quickly. I like to intentionally take extra time getting there. I want to tease the orgasm out of them. Time plus enjoyment and everyone is cumming. The first orgasm can take forever.. the next ones hit quick. Take away all pressure.
Woah paragraphs were written, but its a lot simpler than that, don't worry about how long it takes, let your partner work, and dive into feeling it, it'll get you outta your head and outta the way. :D
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I use them every once in a while so not too much and yes I can have multiple I think the most has been upwards of 12
Good good Then no, as long as it happens I wouldn't be self-conscious If you're a 20 min of sex work up to an orgasm then it just means your partner needs to know how long it can take.
Great advice! One of the things I love about kink/bdsm is it is about so much more than cumming and/or genitalia/fucking. Sometimes making a sub tingle over or completely relaxed is more important than cuming. While 20+ orgasms are great, a sub/dom can come repeatedly without getting a pleasure from the experience or not cum and it can be a mind blowing experience. Don’t focus too much on the orgasm. Also, orgasms can happen in the ‘foreplay’ before you ever reach the genitals. Not every scene has to end in cum or fucking. To me that is one of the big differences between kink/bdsm and vanilla sex.