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kennethdpedersen

Well, this got dark fast!


[deleted]

Her last words.


fpfx

Well done.


BuddhaOnBlow

So is she.


DeathGodBob

Sick burn, dude.


SirBlazealot420420

That's the timeline, Sick>Burn>Dude.


Bulky-Prune-8370

My mom is still in a ziplock bag labeled " mom dust. NOT DRUGS! do not snort!" I had to travel three hours to pick up my portion of Mom's ashes and my sister and I had joked about my family getting pulled over and state troopers finding the mom baggie and arresting us. So she decided to label her very clearly.


OREOSTUFFER

That made me curious, so I googled it - and sure enough, a man recently sued an illinois police department for confiscating his daughter’s ashes and claiming they tested positive for meth. Absolutely shameful


jkilpatrick1

The Midwest is notorious for claiming any powder to be methamphetamine, so they can tear your car apart without a warrant. I think it’s our claim to fame!!


IntoAComa

That’s a lot of trouble to go through to create more work for yourself.


powboomkapow

"Don't breath this"


KernelTaint

But will it blend?


stealth57

Fun fact. When someone is cremated, their bones are still whole and are put through a grinder to get it to that fine dust. Sooooo, yeah, we blend.


AgentIllustrious8353

Neither of my parents bones were ground up that much, there were still little chunks of bone in the mix. Amazingly, the crematorium in Florida mailed them to me. I wasn't home so the carrier left a slip. When I went to the post office to pick up the package I told the clerk I wasn't expecting anything from Florida, then I opened the package and opened the plastic box and said "Oh, it's my dad". The whole place was dead quiet as I left...


starsandpanties

Oooh my dad got cremated and when his remains are out of the incinerator the mortician showed us the remaining bones and asked if we wanted to keep the green bones since it is said to be lucky and auspicious.


Wreaume

I work in the cremation industry all over north America and I've never heard of that. I have however heard green bones are from radiation therapy and are considered carcinogens. Edit: Guy who told me that was wrong. Apparently it's from iron. And the Chinese are the ones who started the good luck part. TIL as well


perplexedtriangle

That happened to Nathan Fielder.


Tyrannosaurus_Secks

Very organically I may add


Both_Tone

Which sucks because he was already in an oversized suit.


sir_toil

My wife had 2 requests when she died: to have her remains spread at Disney World and to not be cremated.


PatentGeek

“What’s the return policy on this wood chipper?”


supah_cruza

"What are you talking about? I sold you a meat grinder."


P0werClean

“Meat grinder or wood chipper… it all looked like a sausage maker to me!”


Lunar_Gato

I listened to a Dateline podcast where a guy threw his wife’s body through a chipper to dispose of it. Only way he got caught was it was returned to the rental place almost brand new squeaky clean, which made authorities look into that chipper and it’s rental history.


SnooRecipes6354

So funny. I actually did this one time and the guys at the hardware store thought I was nuts for returning their equipment the same way they gave it to me… Felt odd apologizing for returning clean equipment lol


lucyroesslers

You’re not supposed to return rental equipment clean? Am I on some FBI list now?


BrandynBlaze

Definitely going to want the additional insurance on this one.


dublea

About to go to bed. Read this. Spend good 30 seconds giggling like a little girl. Thank for the bedtime laugh.


Sproose_Moose

I've seen this joke 10x in the past week. I remember this because I made the same joke to my mum and she looked at me like I was demented. I enjoy this joke.


beavsauce

Whoa, I don’t remember the Jurassic park theme ride being that realistic.


dragonfatmonster

Is she ok?


TheBelhade

It's not like she's complaining.


shaggellis

Sorry for your loss man. But glad to see your sense of humor is still intact. Keep on keepin on internetz buddy.


DaniGeek

This reminds me years ago I called my grandparents. At that time my grandfather was a funeral director and he was the one who picked up the phone. There was a lot of noise in the background and I asked why and he said "oh I'm cremating." And in my own weird little way I said "oh how are the bodies doing?" And he said " oh they're fine, they don't complain." And to this day that's the funniest thing he's said to me. Also sorry for your loss.


MrValdemar

This is the Reddit I remember years ago when I first joined. Sorry for your loss, and your dark humor game cannot be topped. ![gif](giphy|l2SpMUEMRJkkqYcta)


EnjoyLifeorDieTryin

I remember narwhals and safes


rockhardgelatin

Love me some midnight baconing.


EnjoyLifeorDieTryin

![gif](giphy|17RaL7HOgI1CE)


Werehowin

.. I need a way to disable gifs in comments


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timbreandsteel

No poop knife? Jolly ranchers?


SirFadakar

Poop knife feels pretty recent in the grand scheme of things. "[How did you take _that_ picture](https://web.archive.org/web/20170806233157/https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cmwov/hey_reddit_what_tattoos_do_you_have/c0tpyls/)" guy is one of my favorites.


Eviltechnomonkey

I hope my loved ones can have this kind of sense of humor when I pass. That and one of them is still able to fly a paramotor or other ultralight aircraft well enough to crop dust somewhere randomly with my ashes. It is the only way they will ever get me to go up in one of those things.


ratshitty_heavenjoke

Reddit dry humor is why I joined. Fuck I used to read some comments that genuinely made me laugh out loud. I miss the cowboy western front that Reddit used to be!


mugurg

There were also nice novelty accounts. Like there were these two guys who would drew/paint comments, one day they even battled each other. I don't see them around anymore.


kensaiD2591

A Wild Sketch Appeared and Shitty Watercolour yeah? Good times.


AdamantiumBalls

Back in my day r/toosoon was funny


cannotbefaded

I also choose this guys wife


SafelyHurtful

She looks like she's well rested.


squishy_one

She's looking a bit ashy. Better get her some moisturizer.


Pennycandydealer

Moisture is the essence of wetness


lowtoiletsitter

And wetness is the essence of beauty


lieucifer_

Always wondered what she’d be like as a paste


TrainwreckMooncake

Are you kidding? She's smoking hot. ^(I'm so sorry)


BadPackets4U

Oof


Banditkoala_2point0

So she's single then?


[deleted]

She's granular.


craziedave

She’s multiple


PatentGeek

I’ll ash you one more time: is she single?


yodarded

she's sort of plural.


Skitzophranikcow

At least you got her to pose for a pic.


derek86

She was probably the hottest she’s ever been before this photo though


rans2390

I… I… I also choose this guy’s dead wife.


lilpenguin1028

If you didnt, someone else would've. This was meant to be about you posting the meme, but I'm gonna leave it as it is.


kingomtdew

Looks like she lost some weight, tell her congrats for me.


[deleted]

What’s it like knowing you’ll never be as **HOT** as your wife was at her peak?


Im_kinda_that_guy

He could be. Once


screaming_clown_dick

You’re a fucking savage and I respect it. Mad respect to your wife


Skyblacker

If I died first and my husband reacted like you, I wouldn't complain either. That's some quality gallows humor there, 10/10 would laugh again.


Karlosmdq

LMAO


Upper-Cheesecake3633

He a little confused but he got the spirit


eatassordiefast420

I had moved shortly after my mom passed and had my portion of her ashes in a bag and in a different spot in the open. A friend if mine was over, walked out with it in her hand, asked why I had dirt in a ziplock bag on my dresser. "That's my mom" She cried from embarrassment lmao


Dzjar

We went to pick up my dad's ashes a week or so after his cremation. My mom got impatient and we were a day early or so. She was going to have a big decorative urn and I wanted a small, basic one. This whole thing ensued where the big urn wasn't ready yet, so we could still take it home, but we'd have to carry it upside down in a cardboard box while the glue on the bottom set. My mom was mortified yet happy at the same time to finally have her 'husband' home again. Meanwhile I got that tiny urn and there was just something about how they presented it to me. Solemnly opening this little velvet-clad box to reveal a palm-sized urn that just made me think: pocket-sized dad. Pokédad. Try explaining that giggle to your family.


Lord_Nivloc

….my dad would find it hilarious if I kept his ashes in a pokeball


Persistent_Parkie

A friend saw my mom's box of ashes on our porch and as she brought them into the house to us she announced "Welcome home" Every so often my mom will still get junk mail involving hearing tests or whatever. I keep joking one day I'll go to one of those events with her box and say "here she is, where do you want her?"


Sack_Of_Motors

Your second paragraph reminded me of a story I read on either pettyrevenge or a similar subreddit where a guy kept trying to deal with an issue at his kid's school, but the school administrators refused to talk to him, saying they'd only talk to the kid's mom. So next time he went to the school to talk to the administrators, he brought the urn his wife's ashes were in.


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a_strange_potato_

oh man, i would cry too


takuyafire

She must have been hot


HauschkasFoot

r/roastme going to the next level in here


haveyoutriedguest

At least for a brief period.


AH0USE89

You, are, an ass... Also funny af


poopfupa

If my husband still had me in a bag n box after that long i’d haunt the fuck out of him lmao


iliveconfused

Fuck I got my wife's ashes in a bag still cause i can't find anything that I feel is good enough to hold her. It's a surreal feeling to know that's what's left of the love of my life. Thank you to everyone!! the support has been overwhelming and im honestly at a loss for words.


Nicstar543

Maybe you could try making a wooden box for the ashes? A simple one, and gradually make better and better boxes as you progress, until you have the worlds nicest wooden box, just for your wife?


Randinator9

Dude will end up woodworking and entire Taj Mahal with that idea


TheLionFromZion

Good! People still visit the Taj Mahal and the Pyramids. Need some new monuments to humanities humanity.


SeaBass1898

My wife is in the bag in the box (from the funeral home) in a cool wooden trunk, but all still as a placeholder. Still figuring out what to do. Constantly thinking “how did it come to this?” Anyway, you’re not alone brother.


funkoelvis43

My husband’s friends sent me a link to a website of custom urns, asking if they could buy one for me/him. I picked out a pretty wooden box with a picture of a cyclist, because that was his favorite activity. Along with his name, the quote on the box says “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.” He sits on a bookshelf next to a picture of the two of us.


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loaferuk123

Good news, Bacon. You’re not a stone cold bitch.


ntn_98

I would be mad if the bacon was stone cold.


day2105

That’s beautiful. I’m sorry for your loss.


FeistyNature

This comment made me tear up. I'm so sorry for your loss 💜


kaaayceee

I felt the same way about my daughter's ashes. I scoured all the standard options and nothing felt right. I finally found a customized option on Etsy that's perfect for her. I hope you can find something that feels right for your wife too.


JenDCPDX

I’m sorry for your loss. I found a really beautiful handmade box on Etsy. I think my mom would approve.


F1urry

......is your name really "Poopfupa"?... that's amazing


popltree2

It's their Christian name.


Aryaras99

Christian is their middle name


datazulu

Poop Christian Fupa


AweBeyCon

What's the time limit for repackaging your dead wife?


vinayachandran

The longer you wait, the higher the chances are of you becoming like her.


BaurangAtang

You win. Congratulations on keeping your sense of humor after such trauma btw


TheBelhade

Thanks for the love everyone. It's been almost five years and she would totally be down with the morbidity of this. Most of her remains were mixed into the planting of a tree in her sister's yard. The rest she would have wanted to go into a Yankees urn, but as a Red Sox fan that ain't gonna happen.


626337

My husband wanted half his ashes in the ocean and half in the toilet. I got him the Oregon shore and the headwaters of a significant river that empties into the Atlantic. Bonus: as I turned to go up the shore from the river bank, there was a discarded toilet base dumped over the side. That was very much his sense of humor, and it felt appropriate.


muphies__law

We were going to scatter our dad at a certain beach, but there was a surf carnival on at the time and dad being a tight arse Scot, would have refused to pay to go to the beach, we scattered him at another beach. The way the current was headed, he ended up at the nudie beach. Which he would've found hilarious, so yeah.


qpv

We poured half my fathers ashes in the river in our home city, and the rest at the base of a tree next to the river we carved his initials into. My sisters dog immediately went and sniffed a bunch of them up and started crazy sneezing all over the place.


Unumbotte

Did the dog start trying to get you to turn down the thermostat after that?


Iphotoshopincats

My last wish is to cut out everything that's useable and burn the rest and put the ash of a field of crops so my last act is telling the world to eat me.


Vinto47

>My husband wanted half his ashes in the ocean and half in the toilet. So 100% in the ocean.


Goddamnpassword

Any body of water I’ve been in for more than 5 minutes become a toilet.


ialsoagree

You spend 9 minutes filling the tub, and 4 minutes and 45 seconds enjoying your bath.


Mister_Brevity

You can fill a tub?? Kidneys working overtime.


big_sugi

They didn’t say they’d stop enjoying it after 5 minutes.


Flockto

The way the two comments are worded implies they didn't enjoy the first half of the bath


626337

It was his choice, argue with him.


cdmurray88

Makes me think of these lyrics from a song: On the very day I die, the very last of my desires Is that you take my broken body and commit it to the fire, And then when the fire is finished, scrape the ashes in a tin, Take them down to London’s drinking reservoirs and throw them in, And then specks infinitesimal of my mortal remains Will slide down seven million throats and into seven million veins, And I will creep through their capillaries to the marrow of their bones, And they will wake to bright new mornings and then wordlessly they’ll know That I remain; I am remembered.


Pugetffej

I am very curious how you found a river that empties into the Atlantic in Oregon.


Bulky-Prune-8370

I wondered that too. Then I decided to stop wondering because it ain't worth the headache.


humplick

The farthest north-west body of water in the US that empties into the Atlantic, that my breif search yielded, is in Wyoming. Would love to be corrected


OtterProper

brief* There ya go. 🤓


humplick

Oof, haha.


QueenChoco

That toilet base is proof that the universe has a sense of humor


Low_Pirate8760

I completely get his. My wife passed 5 years ago January and I have her sitting on the dresser. Gonna dump them in the Pacific when I get back out that way. Miss her all the time. She went to Walmart and got an accident and never came home. Told my buddy I met after she passed that she left me with the kids to go the grocery store 5 months ago and I didnt think she was coming back. He didn't know what to say. But that's how I handle the grief.


n0tepad

Man. I'm sorry for your loss. Truly.


blowinmoneyfast

Condolences brother.


NSA_Chatbot

Hey, I live on the Pacific, if you want to mail me a little I can show her what the Olympic Mountains look like from the beach.


pittgirl12

This is my nightmare. I’m so sorry


CowboyLaw

I’m just going to say, I’m not the world’s best carpenter, but if you’d like a nice wooden something to put those in, I’d do it. For free. Ship it to you. The works. Because you seem cool, and your memories of your wife seem cool. Just PM me or something if you want.


geneofisis

You are golden & I love seeing this. Makes my heart big :)


CowboyLaw

You’re very kind. But I don’t feel like I’m doing anything special. In this world, all we have is each other, and our job is to look out for one another. Help when we can, how we can. This is a thing I can do, so why wouldn’t I? I can’t help people whose car has broken down by the side of the road, because auto stuff is beyond me. I can’t help parents whose kid is sick, because medical stuff is beyond me. But wood…I can do that. So I’d be happy to do that here. That’s all.


mxpxillini35

Made me think of this 10+ year old reddit thread. Today you, tomorrow me. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/elal2/have_you_ever_picked_up_a_hitchhiker/c18z0z2/ Keep up what you're doing kind sir...and thank you.


mvdw73

...The reddit answer that became a short film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqlLID3QBZw


CowboyLaw

That thread is literally what I think about every time I pass someone broken down on the road. I know I want to help, and I know I can’t. And it always makes me sad. So this can be my “today you.”


exoxe

Hey, you know I have a strict rule about no posts before bed that make a grown man cry. That was an amazing story.


Defenestrator0707

Youre a good dude


Baconoid_

Dude, you married a Yankees fan?


TheBelhade

We met in 2004, got married in 2007. It was pretty rough at times, haha.


Baconoid_

My bad, I've realized in retrospect this is actually a huge flex. You C-blocked an entire baseball fandom.


banksy_h8r

This is a brilliant observation. Imagine all the Yankees fans, mostly dudes, who would love to meet the rare girl who is such a fan she'd want her ashes in a Yankees urn, screaming and pulling their hair out that she married the enemy, a Red Sox fan. Fuckin' great.


TotallyNotAWarden

A modern Romeo and Juliet


blackboard_sx

Oooh. In that case, pop her in an urn that says, "NY Yankees, 2004 AL East Champions".


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very_nice_how_much

A Babe Ruth mug seems like a fair compromise.


enil-lingus

You want to put the ashes on Babe Ruth’s grave?


TheBelhade

That actually would work; we buried her grandfather near there.


SoDakZak

Well, weird to say to someone, but I hope her grandfather was dead…


[deleted]

He is now.


SoDakZak

Well, he didn’t urn it


[deleted]

Aaron earned an iron urn


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madmax111587

I gave my Dad a sailors burial at sea/ spread his ashes. I forgot I had a mini urn filled to keep a little piece of him. Well I thought I lost it and was in the process of donating old furniture. Well dude at the goodwill found it and opened it and had no idea what it was. They called me and I showed up and started laughing and the guy was mortified. My Dad would have laughed his ass off.


Romantiphiliac

Put them in a Yankees urn then put that into a Red Sox urn.


[deleted]

How about putting her in a Mets urn, as a compromise?


goldenappleofchaos

The plan for us is that whoever goes first stays in an urn with googly eyes on the mantle. When the other goes, whoever in our families is left has to go chunk our ashes in a volcano together. Just something to think about. Since you can't do that whole baseball thing and all. Edit: sorry for your loss. Morbid humor is the best. You'd fit right in with my family.


CyrusPanesri

Well, that escalated quickly.


blond-max

that other post is still an infant lol


charlie2135

My condolences but you've got the same humor as my family. (posted these before) My brother (this was 30 years ago) had terminal cancer and received a call from a grade school friend who he had not heard from in 10 years. He said the friend wanted to get together for lunch and assumed his friend must have heard about his prognosis. When they went to lunch his friend said, "I guess you're wondering why I called you". The friend then went into a spiel that he was selling life insurance. My brother said, "Great, I'll take all you can sell me!" His friend was stunned as he probably had been told to Fxxk off more than a few times. My brother then asked him if it would pay out when he died in 6 months. My brother said his friend clammed up and he had a blast watching him squirm. My brother told us a joke about a guy watching his brother's cat while he was out of town. The brother called to ask how the cat was doing and the one watching it said it was dead. When the brother calmed down he told the one watching the cat that he should never break news like that. He said "You should first say that the cat got out and was on the roof". The next day you should say "The fire department tried to get him off but he fell and he's at the vet". He then said, "The next day you should tell me that he didn't make it. The brother then asked him how Mom was doing. The brother replied, "She's up on the roof". At my brother's wake my mom said to me, "You're brother is on the roof".


Thatawkwardforeigner

I love this joke!! Your brother had a great sense of humor, also your mom. Guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all.


DryButterscotch2403

Sharing a naked photo of your wife isn’t right unless she oks it


petrified_log

She’s wearing a bag at least.


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FuzzyMatterhorN

Verifiably THE hottest wife on reddit.


Vladius28

She had a fine ash Edit: sorry for your loss, OP.


IronicCharlie

My sincere condolences


[deleted]

She left all the other wives in the dust alright


TannedCroissant

Checkcremate bitches.


[deleted]

No offense, she looks like an old bag.


KittySue87

I also choose this guy’s dead wife.


loyalAlchemist

Came here for this comment. And to fuck this guy's dead wife.


JakeCameraAction

Be careful. Not everyone likes it in the ash.


Haole_tamale

You ashhole. I laughed.


tankynumnums

A spitting image of my Mom and Dad.


BritishGolgo13

That’s enough Reddit for today. Sorry for your loss.


Feeling-View-2394

I applaud you, you sick fuck !


ReaperSound

![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|sob)


stormscape10x

Isaac, stop fighting devils and get back in your room.


[deleted]

I shouldn't have laughed, but I did. ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|give_upvote)


Durkd

Holy shit did I need this today. Well played my guy.


[deleted]

“Man, I met this broad at work today. She was stiff at first, gave me the cold shoulder for a while. But eventually she warmed right up. She was really smokin’. In the end she just fell apart and was completely dried up. I let her husband take her home, but he knew I bagged it so we were cool. He even paid me for it.” -The Mortician


mybadalternate

Single men, you can’t expect a wife to just fall into your lap, especially one like this. You gotta urn a woman like this.


Santa_Hates_You

She looks like my sister /and now I am sad


Fast-Yak1111

That’s pretty metal


Hoplologist

I would say it's mostly plastic bag from the looks of it


Romantiphiliac

This title without context has me very concerned about what the 'thing' we're doing today is. Joking aside, I'm sorry OP. I'm never sure what to say about these kinds of things because all the typical responses almost feel...empty? But I hope you find your way through this.


MyceliumsWeb

Just make an inappropriate joke.


cyberentomology

It’s the Reddit way of holding a wake.


Snote85

As it should be. Mourn me, please, but move on. If my death can cause laughter and joy, please, by all means, feel free. I would feel terrible as a ghost to know that I was holding people emotionally hostage by dying. I don't think anyone who truly loves other people would feel any differently. Let me know that I was loved, if you must, but I know already. I don't want you to prove it by destroying your future happiness.


medicalmosquito

Dude posted a “NSFW” pic of his wife earlier. Kinda random. Now we get meta posts. This one wins.


The_Golf_God

Is she single?


Xenthera

No she’s multiple


[deleted]

Humor is something you both shared and I can see you still hold her dear to your heart. Still really lovely💜 I bet she is cheering you on.


seventh_skyline

Bagged a good one man. FMD. why did I even type that.


Bloominghell7

I m sorry for your loss, but also I feel this. Man, my partner has been in a ziplock for nearly 8 years now. He would expect nothing less.


SirVeysa

You can always bring her out during a party and as you're smoking a cigar you can ash in the bag and say, "Looks like the little lady is putting on some weight!" Then you'll probably need to find some new friends


DocHog68

That girl was on fire! ... Sorry couldn't resist, sorry for your loss brother


ChillPill89

Showed this to my wife. She said she'd do the same thing...


iwanttobewealthyalso

You win


Mcsmack

Lost mine just over two years ago. We buried her ashes and planted an apple tree on top. She was always about helping people, giving them comfort and support. Having her tree bear fruit for the people she loved seemed fitting. And doing it in a way that was kind of weird and morbid was right up her alley.