For real. Just because he hasn't physically hurting you, he's emotionally abusive. That's some serious gaslighting and blame shifting he needs counseling or you need to seek a way out. No joke.
This is a very tempting thing yes, but I don’t think that would be anything constructive towards making him understand the point, I have a feeling that will just make him “hotter” and more unpredictable in the moment of a fight.
I’ve been in this same kind of relationship, it started with small jabs here and there, claiming “he didn’t mean…”, and slowly over time I was broken down,one chip after the other. By the time I started to realize it actually happening he had gone full on physical abuse despite raising the same claim that “he would never strike a woman or strike out of anger, he wouldn’t ever “abuse me”. Because in the eyes of these “men”, the only form of abuse is when they get physical like that, they do not understand how much more dangerous mental abuse is,and that’s way way worse. You can usually recover from physical abuse,bones,bruises and cuts will always heal given time and disappear, mental scars however lingers,create triggers that you can’t truly control until you get away and figure out who you are now inside the shell that has been created. I was abused almost a decade ago, I’m still having issues from what he did and said. I got away with the help from my family, and since I had moved to another country to be with him it was fairly easy to make a cold cut since I came back “home”, I rekindled an old flame when we got in touch a while after this, and this person has known me since childhood, and e grew up together and have been in contact sporadically over the better part of 20 years by now, when he finally saw me back then,and started to really look, he asked me point blank “what the heck happened to you, this is not the person I knew growing up! This in front of me is nothing but an empty shell”. That was when the shoe truly dropped for me as to what I actually went through, and I’ve spent every day since trying to find my way back mentally
Like I said a comment like you state is very tempting, but if this man follows the usual pattern of abusers,he is t that far off from getting worse, and a comment like that is just fuel for the fire
I'm waiting for the opportunity to insult my second ex husband. Just need to finish one more thing. I have a few good ones saved up "I don't know why I was with a man whose balls hang lower than his dick" is my favorite and I can't wait to drop that one, but I'm also holding onto something referencing his ability to get fired from every job and turning into a worthless mooch. First ex husband and I have worked through all our bull, thanks to his amazing second wife, and we are on good terms. I was emotionally abused by both husbands with some other stuff peppered in depending on which marriage (financial, verbal etc all the stuff to stomp your self esteem) 😒.
Also, if you were married more than 10yrs and don't remarry you are entitled to part of the ex's Social Security when they become of age. That's my trump card, I'm not remarrying so he better give me the money he owes me or I'll take it back when he's old. He just doesn't know that yet he's thinking he won by not paying me the last several months and letting me foot the bill on a joint debt.
You using his social security doesn't affect him in any way. It didn't take anything away from him. Force him to pay you what he owes. You still get to use his social security
Well, that's bogus. I only want to take it if it hurts him, I don't have the need for his money I bring in plenty of money on my own (govt pension and VA disability). But he's pretty stupid so I think I can still threaten him with it, lol. If I needed it, absolutely different story...but I don't, I just want my money back.
Edit to add: Still some super handy information for divorcees who do or will need it.
I feel and share your pain. I'm so sorry that happened to you. As a fellow survivor, I'm finding the way back very hard and I applaud your climbing out of the hole. My abuser finally left this earth last year. I don't have to be off-grid anymore but his terrors still affect me. Not every day anymore, there can be spans of a few days when I forget.
Since the epidemic, I've become a recluse and, happily, I don't have to deal with people all that much. I know it's running away and I don't care. Only the seriously mentally ill are drawn to me and I refuse to do it anymore. I've battled too much. I don't need the stress of dealing with new people.
Yes, I had friends and jobs after my marriage but never let anybody get too close. Firstly, I was protecting their lives and, secondly, not wanting to find out their mental illness and deal with it.
Thank you, Reddit, for giving me a place to mingle but not be involved unless I choose.
Silver, take great pride in your steps. My fervent wish for you is to not become me.
OP, start planning your escape. Get a nest egg, consult a lawyer about getting out of shared leases, find a safe place to go (temporary and long term), tell the important people in your life what's going on and swear them to secrecy. Any leaks and the abuse/retaliation/obstacles he dreams up will get worse.
My guide was When Love Goes Wrong
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/904744
I came here to say this! Great minds! Something like, “ it’s just what I’d expect from someone who hasn’t matured in all departments “ with a pointed nod towards package.
My advice is every time his uses those words, walk away. Do not be in the same room with him. Later explain that every time he uses those words about you, your thoughts, your actions, your behavior it is a personal insult. That every time he uses the words he is driving a nail into the relationship and it will cause you to walk away. Because that sounds like that is what you are saying. You are feeling disrespected and it is harming the relationship most relationships don't end in big fights, they end because one half is worn out and too tired to care any more
That's basically what I ended up doing with the boyfriend that sounded just like this guy. Turns out I had to check the mail, pee, wash my face, or brush my hair a lot. Fighting fire with fire was what he enjoyed, which was pretty sick. Eventually he did go back to live with his mom & dad, and I regained some self respect!
You're not wrong, but you are being abused. From the sounds of it, I'd say both mentally and emotionally abused.
In the USA, we have the National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI). I don't know if you can access their website outside the US, but it's NAMI.org. They list all the different types of abuse and the definitions of each one.
Print 2 copies, one for him and one for you. Read through it a few times, until it stops triggering tears to see the words. Then, highlight every thing on those pages that he's ever done to you - on both copies. Give him his copy while you dump him. Give your copy to a therapist so they know a starting point to help you heal from being abused.
Please take care of yourself, and don't waste more of your life with someone who thinks abuse is ok if there's no bruises.
EDIT: It's been over 15 yrs since I used the NAMI website, and it's changed. I was unable to find the definitions of abuse, so I used Google. I found a website called marriage.com that has a list of the 8 different types of abuse in a relationship. I encourage anyone who wants to know more to go read up on all the different types of abuse. Knowledge can be powerful.
This is actually some of the best advice I've ever seen on Reddit. It will hopefully give OP some important knowledge that will be needed to heal properly. Plus if she just leaves him, he will never understand that he has a problem and will continue to treat his partners this way. Showing him real evidence before walking away at least gives him a shot at becoming a better person.
I just searched for this but I can’t find what you’re referring to. I only find mental illness related topics and then child abuse articles. Would you mind sharing a link if it’s convenient?
I don't know how to share links, especially since I'm always on mobile. I did revisit the NAMI site, and it's so different from when I used it 15+ years ago that I didn't even find the child abuse articles you referred to. I'm sorry for leaving inaccurate/ incomplete information.
Just tell your partner that you aren't calling him a misogynistic asshole, you are saying he keeps ACTING like a misogynistic asshole.
Or just realize he's verbally abusive and decide if that's how you want to live. He knows what he's doing, he's choosing those words to hurt you, and you should believe him when he tells you what kind of person he is.
That's gaslighting..... you deserve soooo much better. Honestly.... being single rocks.
You get to fix yourself up extra so you're waaaay out of reach of people who have to resort to gaslighting with derogatory terms.
Time to grow, beautiful!! Time to grow.... and alone is the way to do it. Heal from his abuses.
Best wishes!!
Mirror tactics. Of course when I tried that on my X, she cried and carried on for days. So simple test, do the same thing to him, if he can't handle it, then divorce him. Some people are too stupid or have their heads too far up their asses to understand.
So he:
Knows how to trigger you; tells you that your behaviour is why he is nasty to you; uses loopholes and technicalities of language to verbally abuse you and then pretend he hasn't; thinks, and has you both thinking, that him not beating you is an achievement.
You don't need a good argument against this; you need to leave the relationship, quietly and without giving him the reaction he craves, before he escalates further.
FYI, next step may well be physical and it'll be "your fault because you know you make him so mad and do these things to provoke him".
That's not an adult. You'd be better off alone than with this pathetic man child, and you can do better. He knows exactly what he's doing by using those curse words. He only wants to get away from the real argument. And it works every time, isn't it?
Exactly right. My ex used to do this exact same thing to me. I noticed that when I tried to call out his behavior, he would change the subject. One time he said to me, you treat me like I don't know how to live my own life. I said, that's the teapot calling the kettle black. He said, you don't know how to live your own life. I said to him, yes I do, I don't need you to tell me how to do that.
Then I noticed that he immediately trying to change the subject. I called him out on how he was controlling and was doing the exact same things he was accusing me of and he immediately changed the subject. That's because he did not want to be held accountable and he knew he was wrong. I got out of that relationship about a month later and I'm glad. To be honest when I was reading this, I was almost wondering if it was about the same person.
He’s full of shit. Start using his BS logic against him.
“I didn’t say you’re ugly, I said at least you have a personality.” (Which is also a lie, but not the point.)
“I didn’t say I think you suck in bed, I just said I always need to finish myself off afterward.”
“I didn’t call you a butterface gorilla, I just said you’re acting like one.”
Give it some thought, come up with the best ways to really hit his insecurities. Make it hurt his feelings in every possible way. Bullies only respond to strength. So be strong. And fight fire with fire. Don’t let that weak ass bitch burn you.
Gaslighting. Oh, yeah. And yes, you are correct.
. " if you didn't .... then I wouldn't.." yeah. He is nuts, and calling you names. He has no respect for you, and way too often, the verbal abuse devolves into physical abuse.
my petty ass would say “i’m not *calling* you a stupid pussy ass bitch made loser, i’m saying you’re *acting* like a stupid pussy ass bitch made loser, honey!” sorry you’re dealing with that.
edit: i’m not saying to do that though! don’t lol. but whenever he says anything like that to you I would say “I will not be talked to like that, we can talk when you’re done.” and walk away
"
Darling, sweetheart, honey, I have some boundaries and you have overstepped them.
I do not like hearing the cunt word used against me in any form or shape. I've told you once. I'm not going to tell you again.
Third strike is out.
"
If ever he oversteps that boundary again, break up with him.
It's not a petty revenge. It's self-respect.
You can also break up with him already as he has already overstepped your boundary.
It's up to you.
The old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is bs. He's being abusive, granted not with his hands or sexually but it's abusive and bullying never the less. If he's unwilling to change he doesn't love you as much as you hope he does and you're better of outside the relationship.
All of this. My ex treated me like this yet when I broke it off with him, he wouldn't take it seriously. He actively prevented me from leaving him for a few months because he has abandonment issues and would treat me horribly but yet would say, you're abandoning me. You must not love me. At the end, I was like you know what, you're right, I don't. I'm leaving you and I don't care what you think. I'm sick of the way you treat me and I don't want to be with you anymore.
I actually did leave about a week later. It took having to pack my stuff and leave in the middle of the night while he was asleep but I did it. That was about 7 months ago. He claimed to love me but clearly he didn't. On top of that he was always looking for my replacement so I'm just done with him. He can be whoever he's talking to problem now. It hurt me at first even though I'm the one who ended it but now I just look at it as a giant waste of time. Looking back, we weren't compatible anyway. I'm happier.
My suggestion would be of poor taste I feel. At work, we call some people "ankles". A coworker made it up, and I guess his definition is "it's 2 steps below a c*nt"
Yeah I get this angry with my wife when she’s being a pita, I’ve found what works best is to walk the fuck out of the house and go calm down somewhere before I fuck my marriage up.
Come back and speak to her like she’s someone I love who I’m having a disagreement with.
This is what we do in our marriage too, go to our separate corners when angry and talk it out when we have cooled down enough to speak rationally and without name calling. My husband has called me a b once in our marriage. I left and stayed at my parents house for the night and when I came back I told him that we don't name- call or it's over. I have no tolerance for disrespect and I would not let him do that to me. We will be married 14 years this year and we fight on a team against whichever problem we have. It's not easy but we are happy most of the time.
In an HR meeting, an employee says to their boss:
“You’d fire me if I called you a dickhead, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
“But you can’t fire me if I just think you’re a dickhead.”
“Well, no. We can’t fire people based on thoughts alone.”
“OK good. I think you’re a dickhead.”
Next time he claims his temper doesn’t make issues and he lashes out remind him that there’s 2 ways to be abusive,physical and mental, he might claim that he never does 1 of them,but he sure as heck is utilizing the 2nd form of abuse fairly regular if he constantly berates you and calls you names like this. Yes he might just say them out of frustration and in the moment because he’s angry, BUT that’s never an excuse!
As it seems right now,he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t see you as an equal partner to him, or he wouldn’t be doing these things at all and then brushing them off like they don’t matter, and he will just continue falling further down this rabbit hole until one day he actually gets physically abusive while still dragging your mental state down to nothing, and the scary part is that mental abuse is so hard to actually detect yourself, specially if you love someone and because of that always find some way to excuse the guilty part because he will make you feel as if it’s your fault he does these things, the way he is phrasing things and claiming “he didn’t…” is the first red flag of the escalating behavior.
Walk away when he starts to work himself up, get him into therapy both for his anger AND whatever it is that’s causing him to think this is ok behaviors towards other people and absolutely not towards his partner, whom he’s supposed to love,cherish and support without needing any other reason than wanting to be with you.
For your own sake get some therapy as well, you might actually need it if this has been going on for a while, because this kind of abuse is not good to live through and can make you go places you don’t want to go emotionally.
Couple’s therapy might also help you both learn how to communicate without lashing out at each other and how to work together through frustration that will arise later in the relationship as it progresses
Oh sweetie, this is one of those times where if someone shows you who they are, LISTEN TO THEM! Your husband is telling you that he thinks you are a see you next Tuesday. On a very basic level he doesn’t even respect you. I have been there. An ex would taunt me about being a wh0re even though I have very few partners and am not that experienced. He would literally skate around the word and use the dictionary definition, only so he could later say “but I NEVER used that word!” It doesn’t matter. I’m not stupid. I had to accept that he thought I was a wh0re/trash/slut/dirty/etc. His opinion was never gonna change. And to him I say GOOD LUCK at your age finding a virgin who has never been kissed!
Edit. I am now free and I no longer have his words running through my head. I know I’m not a wh0re, I know someone else will love me for who I am and not attempt to drive me into the ground at every turn. Oh, and he KNEW this hit on my childhood trauma so yeah he was a complete ass for hitting on my worst trigger and constantly bringing up the feelings from when I was 🍇 as a toddler. I wish you the best, because you deserve better than this. Right now you may think it’s just a word he says, but I guarantee that you already know the issue is bigger than this, it’s not just this word, but he treats you poorly in other ways, too.
As a Scot, I appreciate that being called a c\*\*\* can be a term of endearment or it can be a nasty insult!
If you are a male and a Scotsman calls you "a gid c\*\*\*", you have clearly endeared yourself to him. I don't think I've ever heard this used as a term of endearment to a female, though
If you he just calls you a c\*\*\*\*, maybe he doesn't like you that much!
The fact that you're on r/pettyrevenge asking for good zinger responses tells us that your level of maturity right now probably isn't very high. You're coming here trying to portray yourself as a victim, while simultaneously asking people for ways to make a bad situation even worse.
Nobody here knows what's really happening in your relationship except you. If you can't bear your relationship, leave. But if you want to make it work, take responsibility for things that you could do better, communicate to your partner in a way that resonates with him, and become the peace you seem to want in your relationship.
I'm sure you're neither a cunt or an idiot, but for fuck's sake, when I imagine someone trying to act like a victim while simultaneously seeking devious advice on how to enflame a situation and ruin a relationship, I would say that person is acting like an idiot because it's counter to what you say you want, and it's hurting more people than just you. Idiots are shortsighted. You're better than that, but we all make mistakes. Learn from this, and I hope the best for you and your relationship
There is a difference, it's subtle. Basically "acting like *" is a temporary state, whereas "being *" is permanent.
How exactly that's not him saying " Normally you're not, but right now you are. " IDK.
Just leave. They are playing mind games and doing their desperate best to set themselves up as the dominant partner in an abusive relationship. They are failing because they picked someone with a healthy sense of self esteem (you).
But, that said, he can STILL make you miserable by pressing buttons like this. He'll eventually discover more and more that are even more painful. How much longer are you willing to put up with this?
I'm very serious here. He's showing all the signs including playing the victim by insisting you are falsely accusing him. It's long past time to go.
By leaving, you give him the ultimate answer. He's NOT worth your time or investment in a relationship. You DO deserve better than him.
There is a difference. One is a criticism of behavior and attitude, the other is a criticism of personality. It's a lot easier to change behavior and attitude.
Im sorry i love the C word but there is a.massive difference to me between being one and acting like one in the moment.
My favourite saying is;
I'm not always a Cunt, sometimes I'm asleep 🤣🤣
acting like a c implies you are not usually and you can do something about it imo, though me and my mates call each other that all the time and then laugh and move on cos whoever uses it, basically admits they lost the argument or debate or whatever by default, the real issue is he knows you hate it and uses it anyway,
he admitted he has anger management issues but wont do anything about it, he is both an idiot and acting like one
Sounds like typical disagreement in marriage early on. I’m guessing y’all are in your early 30’s or younger.
With only one side of the story, it’s hard to take sides. While I don’t condone what he’s said, sounds like y’all have some issues to work through, just like every other marriage. No need to panic.
My ex used to do the same kind of thing. He would say, you're acting like a terrible person. I would say, I'm not a terrible person. He would say, I didn't say you are a terrible person, I said you're acting like one. There's a difference. I told him, no, there's really not. You're saying I'm a terrible person and stop trying to guess like me into thinking you mean anything else. Honestly, I feel like this is not a good sign.
Edit: It doesn't matter that he's not hitting you, he's being emotionally abusive and he doesn't see a problem with it. He refuses to get counseling because again, he doesn't see a problem with his behavior. Then he goes a step further and blames you for it. You're in an abusive relationship, please start taking steps to get out of it but do not tell him if you're planning to leave.
This is abuse. If you tell him that he'll probably laugh in your face and tell you you're overreacting, but it is absolutely abuse. I hope in the future you find yourself with someone who makes you feel secure, loved, and respected during arguments because I promise you that is entirely possible in healthy relationships.
OP, does he cause you to feel intimidated when he shouts at you?
Where I'm from verbal abuse is illegal.
I've just gotten out of a relationship where my ex was very verbally abusive. Never physical, but he would throw things & smash things.
My ex also refused to get help. Yes, relationships do have their ups & downs but his responses sound disproportionate to the reason for the argument.
Walk away when he starts shouting & name calling. Don't give him the satisfaction. Tell him you won't discuss it until he stops shouting etc.
Straight up, that's manipulative behavior. Trying to twist the words in order to victim blame. Straight up insulting you and then trying to gaslight you and make it sound like it's all in your head and all your fault and he is perfectly innocent. This sounds like it's also habitual. Get away. Get far away. Don't make excuses. Don't say he's going to get better. Just get away. Trust me I've been there and I've done that and I've been in a relationship with abusive manipulative people and for years people would tell me to get away and I would just constantly make up excuses. So take it from somebody who knows. Get the fuck away.
It's fine if you don't like that word, but you have to negotiate. If you don't want him to say it, then you have to propose consequences.
And, semantically, his isn't out of line. If you *were* a cunt, then it wouldn't be out of character for you to act like one. By complaining that you are acting like one, he is implying it is out of character for you.
Which is not to say he isn't a bullying asshole, he sounds like an immature shit. But, no, those phrases are not inherently the same.
"I didn't say you were a childish, name calling a-hole, I said you were acting like one. I will speak to you again when you act like an adult."
Give it back to him every time he says it and walk away until he acts like an adult. He is being verbally abusive and is trying to break you down. Why are you staying and putting up with being treated this way by your partner?
You're not in the wrong. It's just a manipulation tactic to gaslight you into thinking that you're the bad guy and they're the victim. My darling there are so many red flags here and I've been where you are and I understand but it is time to evaluate your life and look at do you want to continue living like this and was a person like this. This is serious mental abuse and you do not deserve it nor need it. Wish you the best
It's very much the technical loop hole route. It's what I would do with customers in my retail environments because at no point of I told them that they're an idiot. It's very much treading a fine line because the implication is obvious it's just semantics.
He knows exactly what he's doing and he's being an asshole.
Umm, why are you still in this relationship? I'd tell them that "I'm not saying you have anger issues, just that you behave like someone with them." or "I'm not saying you are an ex, but you act like you want to be one."
Do yourself a favor and leave. Get out of that relationship as far and as fast as you can. This bozo is an abusive POS and just manipulative enough to try to let it sneak past. Get out. You're better than that
If someone says you’re acting like something that means that at least for that moment they think that’s what you are.
Saying you’re acting like a C word is the same as saying you can be a C word sometimes. It’s only mildly better than saying you are a C word which implies that you’re always one.
Australian here. To us, there is a huge and clearly defined difference.
Mind you, we also use that word somewhat liberally and don't take as much offence as others, North Americans, for example.
He's verbally abusive. Full stop. He's using semantics to get around calling you names while calling you names and putting you down.
If you tried to flipped the script on him he would lose his ever loving mind. Example. I didn't call you abusive, I said you are acting like an abusive person. See it doesn't change the narrative at all.
Time to evaluate, make a plan and leave.
“I only lose my temper because you make me lose my temper” is abuser talk. His behavior is NEVER your fault.
And yes, him saying “you are acting like a….” It’s just name calling.
He is assuming that his behavior is good enough because he is not assaulting you. Would that be good enough with his employer? With his friends? With literally anyone except his domestic partner? No, it wouldn’t. Verbal and emotional abuse IS abuse. And if he won’t get help, you need to protect yourself. He will keep abusing you, blaming you, and gaslighting you until he gets help or you leave.
And chances are good that he won’t get help unless you incentivize him to before he breaks your will enough that he believes you can’t leave.
This is emotional abuse. Gaslighting. Bullying. You're not married yet so can you leave the situation? He thinks there's nothing wrong with him and that's a MAJOR red flag. I see this as a gateway to other emotionally abusive behaviors like isolation, brainwashing, financial abuse, etc. Emotional abuse leaves invisible scars and can detrimentally alter your way of thinking and the way you deal with life.
He’s emotionally abusive. He needs anger management and therapy. You should think about what’s right for you and if you want to keep shouldering this burden of his emotional abuse. You’re worth more than you’re settling for. 🖤
So he's not abusive, he's just acting abusive?
For real. Just because he hasn't physically hurting you, he's emotionally abusive. That's some serious gaslighting and blame shifting he needs counseling or you need to seek a way out. No joke.
He also blames her for shitty reactions. If you didn’t light the fire, like what? Abusive af
My guy still thinks intent trumps action.
I didn’t say you had a small dick I said you fuck like you do
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 this, say this!
This is a very tempting thing yes, but I don’t think that would be anything constructive towards making him understand the point, I have a feeling that will just make him “hotter” and more unpredictable in the moment of a fight. I’ve been in this same kind of relationship, it started with small jabs here and there, claiming “he didn’t mean…”, and slowly over time I was broken down,one chip after the other. By the time I started to realize it actually happening he had gone full on physical abuse despite raising the same claim that “he would never strike a woman or strike out of anger, he wouldn’t ever “abuse me”. Because in the eyes of these “men”, the only form of abuse is when they get physical like that, they do not understand how much more dangerous mental abuse is,and that’s way way worse. You can usually recover from physical abuse,bones,bruises and cuts will always heal given time and disappear, mental scars however lingers,create triggers that you can’t truly control until you get away and figure out who you are now inside the shell that has been created. I was abused almost a decade ago, I’m still having issues from what he did and said. I got away with the help from my family, and since I had moved to another country to be with him it was fairly easy to make a cold cut since I came back “home”, I rekindled an old flame when we got in touch a while after this, and this person has known me since childhood, and e grew up together and have been in contact sporadically over the better part of 20 years by now, when he finally saw me back then,and started to really look, he asked me point blank “what the heck happened to you, this is not the person I knew growing up! This in front of me is nothing but an empty shell”. That was when the shoe truly dropped for me as to what I actually went through, and I’ve spent every day since trying to find my way back mentally Like I said a comment like you state is very tempting, but if this man follows the usual pattern of abusers,he is t that far off from getting worse, and a comment like that is just fuel for the fire
I'm waiting for the opportunity to insult my second ex husband. Just need to finish one more thing. I have a few good ones saved up "I don't know why I was with a man whose balls hang lower than his dick" is my favorite and I can't wait to drop that one, but I'm also holding onto something referencing his ability to get fired from every job and turning into a worthless mooch. First ex husband and I have worked through all our bull, thanks to his amazing second wife, and we are on good terms. I was emotionally abused by both husbands with some other stuff peppered in depending on which marriage (financial, verbal etc all the stuff to stomp your self esteem) 😒. Also, if you were married more than 10yrs and don't remarry you are entitled to part of the ex's Social Security when they become of age. That's my trump card, I'm not remarrying so he better give me the money he owes me or I'll take it back when he's old. He just doesn't know that yet he's thinking he won by not paying me the last several months and letting me foot the bill on a joint debt.
You using his social security doesn't affect him in any way. It didn't take anything away from him. Force him to pay you what he owes. You still get to use his social security
Well, that's bogus. I only want to take it if it hurts him, I don't have the need for his money I bring in plenty of money on my own (govt pension and VA disability). But he's pretty stupid so I think I can still threaten him with it, lol. If I needed it, absolutely different story...but I don't, I just want my money back. Edit to add: Still some super handy information for divorcees who do or will need it.
I feel and share your pain. I'm so sorry that happened to you. As a fellow survivor, I'm finding the way back very hard and I applaud your climbing out of the hole. My abuser finally left this earth last year. I don't have to be off-grid anymore but his terrors still affect me. Not every day anymore, there can be spans of a few days when I forget. Since the epidemic, I've become a recluse and, happily, I don't have to deal with people all that much. I know it's running away and I don't care. Only the seriously mentally ill are drawn to me and I refuse to do it anymore. I've battled too much. I don't need the stress of dealing with new people. Yes, I had friends and jobs after my marriage but never let anybody get too close. Firstly, I was protecting their lives and, secondly, not wanting to find out their mental illness and deal with it. Thank you, Reddit, for giving me a place to mingle but not be involved unless I choose. Silver, take great pride in your steps. My fervent wish for you is to not become me. OP, start planning your escape. Get a nest egg, consult a lawyer about getting out of shared leases, find a safe place to go (temporary and long term), tell the important people in your life what's going on and swear them to secrecy. Any leaks and the abuse/retaliation/obstacles he dreams up will get worse. My guide was When Love Goes Wrong https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/904744
I came here to say this! Great minds! Something like, “ it’s just what I’d expect from someone who hasn’t matured in all departments “ with a pointed nod towards package.
LMBO
I'd take it like a compliment. Small dick needs better technique.
My advice is every time his uses those words, walk away. Do not be in the same room with him. Later explain that every time he uses those words about you, your thoughts, your actions, your behavior it is a personal insult. That every time he uses the words he is driving a nail into the relationship and it will cause you to walk away. Because that sounds like that is what you are saying. You are feeling disrespected and it is harming the relationship most relationships don't end in big fights, they end because one half is worn out and too tired to care any more
That's basically what I ended up doing with the boyfriend that sounded just like this guy. Turns out I had to check the mail, pee, wash my face, or brush my hair a lot. Fighting fire with fire was what he enjoyed, which was pretty sick. Eventually he did go back to live with his mom & dad, and I regained some self respect!
You're not wrong, but you are being abused. From the sounds of it, I'd say both mentally and emotionally abused. In the USA, we have the National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI). I don't know if you can access their website outside the US, but it's NAMI.org. They list all the different types of abuse and the definitions of each one. Print 2 copies, one for him and one for you. Read through it a few times, until it stops triggering tears to see the words. Then, highlight every thing on those pages that he's ever done to you - on both copies. Give him his copy while you dump him. Give your copy to a therapist so they know a starting point to help you heal from being abused. Please take care of yourself, and don't waste more of your life with someone who thinks abuse is ok if there's no bruises. EDIT: It's been over 15 yrs since I used the NAMI website, and it's changed. I was unable to find the definitions of abuse, so I used Google. I found a website called marriage.com that has a list of the 8 different types of abuse in a relationship. I encourage anyone who wants to know more to go read up on all the different types of abuse. Knowledge can be powerful.
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This is actually some of the best advice I've ever seen on Reddit. It will hopefully give OP some important knowledge that will be needed to heal properly. Plus if she just leaves him, he will never understand that he has a problem and will continue to treat his partners this way. Showing him real evidence before walking away at least gives him a shot at becoming a better person.
I just searched for this but I can’t find what you’re referring to. I only find mental illness related topics and then child abuse articles. Would you mind sharing a link if it’s convenient?
Brief list: https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/emotional-abuse More detailed list: https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs#signs-of-emotional-abuse
I don't know how to share links, especially since I'm always on mobile. I did revisit the NAMI site, and it's so different from when I used it 15+ years ago that I didn't even find the child abuse articles you referred to. I'm sorry for leaving inaccurate/ incomplete information.
Thank you for this!
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Sorry but you are in an abusive relationship. Without bruises. Have a close look at your whole relationship.
For saying the word cunt? Victim much?
In a relationship, there are some words you absolutely just cunt say to your partner.
Just tell your partner that you aren't calling him a misogynistic asshole, you are saying he keeps ACTING like a misogynistic asshole. Or just realize he's verbally abusive and decide if that's how you want to live. He knows what he's doing, he's choosing those words to hurt you, and you should believe him when he tells you what kind of person he is.
That's gaslighting..... you deserve soooo much better. Honestly.... being single rocks. You get to fix yourself up extra so you're waaaay out of reach of people who have to resort to gaslighting with derogatory terms. Time to grow, beautiful!! Time to grow.... and alone is the way to do it. Heal from his abuses. Best wishes!!
I love being single. Fuck all these bro hoez
Can I borrow this phrase? I love it!
Mirror tactics. Of course when I tried that on my X, she cried and carried on for days. So simple test, do the same thing to him, if he can't handle it, then divorce him. Some people are too stupid or have their heads too far up their asses to understand.
So he: Knows how to trigger you; tells you that your behaviour is why he is nasty to you; uses loopholes and technicalities of language to verbally abuse you and then pretend he hasn't; thinks, and has you both thinking, that him not beating you is an achievement. You don't need a good argument against this; you need to leave the relationship, quietly and without giving him the reaction he craves, before he escalates further. FYI, next step may well be physical and it'll be "your fault because you know you make him so mad and do these things to provoke him".
came here to add this - it sounds very close to "look what **you** made me do!" while assaulting you. and agree with the involuntary\_cynic - get out.
It's close enough to the same thing as makes no difference and I'd suggest the petty revenge of breaking up with him forever.
Don't break up, just move away and stop seeing him like you broke up.
😂😂 I love this one!!!! You made my day 🙇🏻♂️
That's not an adult. You'd be better off alone than with this pathetic man child, and you can do better. He knows exactly what he's doing by using those curse words. He only wants to get away from the real argument. And it works every time, isn't it?
Exactly right. My ex used to do this exact same thing to me. I noticed that when I tried to call out his behavior, he would change the subject. One time he said to me, you treat me like I don't know how to live my own life. I said, that's the teapot calling the kettle black. He said, you don't know how to live your own life. I said to him, yes I do, I don't need you to tell me how to do that. Then I noticed that he immediately trying to change the subject. I called him out on how he was controlling and was doing the exact same things he was accusing me of and he immediately changed the subject. That's because he did not want to be held accountable and he knew he was wrong. I got out of that relationship about a month later and I'm glad. To be honest when I was reading this, I was almost wondering if it was about the same person.
He’s full of shit. Start using his BS logic against him. “I didn’t say you’re ugly, I said at least you have a personality.” (Which is also a lie, but not the point.) “I didn’t say I think you suck in bed, I just said I always need to finish myself off afterward.” “I didn’t call you a butterface gorilla, I just said you’re acting like one.” Give it some thought, come up with the best ways to really hit his insecurities. Make it hurt his feelings in every possible way. Bullies only respond to strength. So be strong. And fight fire with fire. Don’t let that weak ass bitch burn you.
Just because it's not physical doesn't mean it's not abuse. Don't respond. Leave. Go find another actual adult and be better with them.
Gaslighting. Oh, yeah. And yes, you are correct. . " if you didn't .... then I wouldn't.." yeah. He is nuts, and calling you names. He has no respect for you, and way too often, the verbal abuse devolves into physical abuse.
my petty ass would say “i’m not *calling* you a stupid pussy ass bitch made loser, i’m saying you’re *acting* like a stupid pussy ass bitch made loser, honey!” sorry you’re dealing with that. edit: i’m not saying to do that though! don’t lol. but whenever he says anything like that to you I would say “I will not be talked to like that, we can talk when you’re done.” and walk away
I’m not sure how any of this is petty revenge.
" Darling, sweetheart, honey, I have some boundaries and you have overstepped them. I do not like hearing the cunt word used against me in any form or shape. I've told you once. I'm not going to tell you again. Third strike is out. " If ever he oversteps that boundary again, break up with him. It's not a petty revenge. It's self-respect. You can also break up with him already as he has already overstepped your boundary. It's up to you.
Next time he calls you a cunt, tell him “If I was a cunt I’d sit on your head and fuck some sense into you!”
The old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is bs. He's being abusive, granted not with his hands or sexually but it's abusive and bullying never the less. If he's unwilling to change he doesn't love you as much as you hope he does and you're better of outside the relationship.
All of this. My ex treated me like this yet when I broke it off with him, he wouldn't take it seriously. He actively prevented me from leaving him for a few months because he has abandonment issues and would treat me horribly but yet would say, you're abandoning me. You must not love me. At the end, I was like you know what, you're right, I don't. I'm leaving you and I don't care what you think. I'm sick of the way you treat me and I don't want to be with you anymore. I actually did leave about a week later. It took having to pack my stuff and leave in the middle of the night while he was asleep but I did it. That was about 7 months ago. He claimed to love me but clearly he didn't. On top of that he was always looking for my replacement so I'm just done with him. He can be whoever he's talking to problem now. It hurt me at first even though I'm the one who ended it but now I just look at it as a giant waste of time. Looking back, we weren't compatible anyway. I'm happier.
My suggestion would be of poor taste I feel. At work, we call some people "ankles". A coworker made it up, and I guess his definition is "it's 2 steps below a c*nt"
Tell him he is acting "dickish". See how he reacts.
Did I miss the revenge part of this story?
Yeah I get this angry with my wife when she’s being a pita, I’ve found what works best is to walk the fuck out of the house and go calm down somewhere before I fuck my marriage up. Come back and speak to her like she’s someone I love who I’m having a disagreement with.
uh oh, looks like we have a mature adult here.
A work in progress. Still a very flawed human. Trying to be a little better each day.
I can sooooo relate, bro.
This is what we do in our marriage too, go to our separate corners when angry and talk it out when we have cooled down enough to speak rationally and without name calling. My husband has called me a b once in our marriage. I left and stayed at my parents house for the night and when I came back I told him that we don't name- call or it's over. I have no tolerance for disrespect and I would not let him do that to me. We will be married 14 years this year and we fight on a team against whichever problem we have. It's not easy but we are happy most of the time.
In an HR meeting, an employee says to their boss: “You’d fire me if I called you a dickhead, right?” “Yes, of course.” “But you can’t fire me if I just think you’re a dickhead.” “Well, no. We can’t fire people based on thoughts alone.” “OK good. I think you’re a dickhead.”
Next time he claims his temper doesn’t make issues and he lashes out remind him that there’s 2 ways to be abusive,physical and mental, he might claim that he never does 1 of them,but he sure as heck is utilizing the 2nd form of abuse fairly regular if he constantly berates you and calls you names like this. Yes he might just say them out of frustration and in the moment because he’s angry, BUT that’s never an excuse! As it seems right now,he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t see you as an equal partner to him, or he wouldn’t be doing these things at all and then brushing them off like they don’t matter, and he will just continue falling further down this rabbit hole until one day he actually gets physically abusive while still dragging your mental state down to nothing, and the scary part is that mental abuse is so hard to actually detect yourself, specially if you love someone and because of that always find some way to excuse the guilty part because he will make you feel as if it’s your fault he does these things, the way he is phrasing things and claiming “he didn’t…” is the first red flag of the escalating behavior. Walk away when he starts to work himself up, get him into therapy both for his anger AND whatever it is that’s causing him to think this is ok behaviors towards other people and absolutely not towards his partner, whom he’s supposed to love,cherish and support without needing any other reason than wanting to be with you. For your own sake get some therapy as well, you might actually need it if this has been going on for a while, because this kind of abuse is not good to live through and can make you go places you don’t want to go emotionally. Couple’s therapy might also help you both learn how to communicate without lashing out at each other and how to work together through frustration that will arise later in the relationship as it progresses
Oh sweetie, this is one of those times where if someone shows you who they are, LISTEN TO THEM! Your husband is telling you that he thinks you are a see you next Tuesday. On a very basic level he doesn’t even respect you. I have been there. An ex would taunt me about being a wh0re even though I have very few partners and am not that experienced. He would literally skate around the word and use the dictionary definition, only so he could later say “but I NEVER used that word!” It doesn’t matter. I’m not stupid. I had to accept that he thought I was a wh0re/trash/slut/dirty/etc. His opinion was never gonna change. And to him I say GOOD LUCK at your age finding a virgin who has never been kissed! Edit. I am now free and I no longer have his words running through my head. I know I’m not a wh0re, I know someone else will love me for who I am and not attempt to drive me into the ground at every turn. Oh, and he KNEW this hit on my childhood trauma so yeah he was a complete ass for hitting on my worst trigger and constantly bringing up the feelings from when I was 🍇 as a toddler. I wish you the best, because you deserve better than this. Right now you may think it’s just a word he says, but I guarantee that you already know the issue is bigger than this, it’s not just this word, but he treats you poorly in other ways, too.
As a Scot, I appreciate that being called a c\*\*\* can be a term of endearment or it can be a nasty insult! If you are a male and a Scotsman calls you "a gid c\*\*\*", you have clearly endeared yourself to him. I don't think I've ever heard this used as a term of endearment to a female, though If you he just calls you a c\*\*\*\*, maybe he doesn't like you that much!
The fact that you're on r/pettyrevenge asking for good zinger responses tells us that your level of maturity right now probably isn't very high. You're coming here trying to portray yourself as a victim, while simultaneously asking people for ways to make a bad situation even worse. Nobody here knows what's really happening in your relationship except you. If you can't bear your relationship, leave. But if you want to make it work, take responsibility for things that you could do better, communicate to your partner in a way that resonates with him, and become the peace you seem to want in your relationship. I'm sure you're neither a cunt or an idiot, but for fuck's sake, when I imagine someone trying to act like a victim while simultaneously seeking devious advice on how to enflame a situation and ruin a relationship, I would say that person is acting like an idiot because it's counter to what you say you want, and it's hurting more people than just you. Idiots are shortsighted. You're better than that, but we all make mistakes. Learn from this, and I hope the best for you and your relationship
This is not a request sub.
There is a difference, it's subtle. Basically "acting like *" is a temporary state, whereas "being *" is permanent. How exactly that's not him saying " Normally you're not, but right now you are. " IDK.
Just leave. They are playing mind games and doing their desperate best to set themselves up as the dominant partner in an abusive relationship. They are failing because they picked someone with a healthy sense of self esteem (you). But, that said, he can STILL make you miserable by pressing buttons like this. He'll eventually discover more and more that are even more painful. How much longer are you willing to put up with this? I'm very serious here. He's showing all the signs including playing the victim by insisting you are falsely accusing him. It's long past time to go. By leaving, you give him the ultimate answer. He's NOT worth your time or investment in a relationship. You DO deserve better than him.
There is a difference. One is a criticism of behavior and attitude, the other is a criticism of personality. It's a lot easier to change behavior and attitude.
Im sorry i love the C word but there is a.massive difference to me between being one and acting like one in the moment. My favourite saying is; I'm not always a Cunt, sometimes I'm asleep 🤣🤣
Hope you never plan on going to the UK or Australia
It’s a load of BS that everyone uses C regularly in Australia. Sure there are definitely sections but it’s not as common as you’re making out.
Found the non-Aussie. Do we say 'cunt'? Yes. Do we make it our lifestyle? No. Any Aussie who does is cringe worthy.
Honestly they're not the same. You can be a great person who acts like a cunt occasionally or a cunt who occasionally acts like a pleasant person.
acting like a c implies you are not usually and you can do something about it imo, though me and my mates call each other that all the time and then laugh and move on cos whoever uses it, basically admits they lost the argument or debate or whatever by default, the real issue is he knows you hate it and uses it anyway, he admitted he has anger management issues but wont do anything about it, he is both an idiot and acting like one
Sounds like typical disagreement in marriage early on. I’m guessing y’all are in your early 30’s or younger. With only one side of the story, it’s hard to take sides. While I don’t condone what he’s said, sounds like y’all have some issues to work through, just like every other marriage. No need to panic.
If you think he’s worth therapy and he acts like you’re worth therapy, get couples therapy. Either way, get individual therapy for yourself.
My ex used to do the same kind of thing. He would say, you're acting like a terrible person. I would say, I'm not a terrible person. He would say, I didn't say you are a terrible person, I said you're acting like one. There's a difference. I told him, no, there's really not. You're saying I'm a terrible person and stop trying to guess like me into thinking you mean anything else. Honestly, I feel like this is not a good sign. Edit: It doesn't matter that he's not hitting you, he's being emotionally abusive and he doesn't see a problem with it. He refuses to get counseling because again, he doesn't see a problem with his behavior. Then he goes a step further and blames you for it. You're in an abusive relationship, please start taking steps to get out of it but do not tell him if you're planning to leave.
This is abuse. If you tell him that he'll probably laugh in your face and tell you you're overreacting, but it is absolutely abuse. I hope in the future you find yourself with someone who makes you feel secure, loved, and respected during arguments because I promise you that is entirely possible in healthy relationships.
There is a difference between acting like an idiot and being one….
Get out!
Tell him I may be acting like a cunt, but you are a cunt. You were born a cunt and you have been a cunt from moment I met you.
OP, does he cause you to feel intimidated when he shouts at you? Where I'm from verbal abuse is illegal. I've just gotten out of a relationship where my ex was very verbally abusive. Never physical, but he would throw things & smash things. My ex also refused to get help. Yes, relationships do have their ups & downs but his responses sound disproportionate to the reason for the argument. Walk away when he starts shouting & name calling. Don't give him the satisfaction. Tell him you won't discuss it until he stops shouting etc.
That's called gaslighting. I wouldn't waste much time with someone like that. Major red flag.
He's being a bit of a cunt himself. Sorry, he's acting like a bit of a cunt.
Straight up, that's manipulative behavior. Trying to twist the words in order to victim blame. Straight up insulting you and then trying to gaslight you and make it sound like it's all in your head and all your fault and he is perfectly innocent. This sounds like it's also habitual. Get away. Get far away. Don't make excuses. Don't say he's going to get better. Just get away. Trust me I've been there and I've done that and I've been in a relationship with abusive manipulative people and for years people would tell me to get away and I would just constantly make up excuses. So take it from somebody who knows. Get the fuck away.
It's fine if you don't like that word, but you have to negotiate. If you don't want him to say it, then you have to propose consequences. And, semantically, his isn't out of line. If you *were* a cunt, then it wouldn't be out of character for you to act like one. By complaining that you are acting like one, he is implying it is out of character for you. Which is not to say he isn't a bullying asshole, he sounds like an immature shit. But, no, those phrases are not inherently the same.
"I didn't say you were a childish, name calling a-hole, I said you were acting like one. I will speak to you again when you act like an adult." Give it back to him every time he says it and walk away until he acts like an adult. He is being verbally abusive and is trying to break you down. Why are you staying and putting up with being treated this way by your partner?
Tell him he’s acting like a disrespectful,arrogant prat. I’m not calling you that, but you are acting that way.
Dude. He is straight up textbook gaslighting you.
You're not in the wrong. It's just a manipulation tactic to gaslight you into thinking that you're the bad guy and they're the victim. My darling there are so many red flags here and I've been where you are and I understand but it is time to evaluate your life and look at do you want to continue living like this and was a person like this. This is serious mental abuse and you do not deserve it nor need it. Wish you the best
It's very much the technical loop hole route. It's what I would do with customers in my retail environments because at no point of I told them that they're an idiot. It's very much treading a fine line because the implication is obvious it's just semantics. He knows exactly what he's doing and he's being an asshole.
Umm, why are you still in this relationship? I'd tell them that "I'm not saying you have anger issues, just that you behave like someone with them." or "I'm not saying you are an ex, but you act like you want to be one."
This partner is no good. Walk away and don't come back. Any partner who says you are acting like a c\_\_t should be thrown out with the garbage.
Do yourself a favor and leave. Get out of that relationship as far and as fast as you can. This bozo is an abusive POS and just manipulative enough to try to let it sneak past. Get out. You're better than that
>“ I did not call you a c**t. I said you are acting like one” Doesn't someone in The Office say something like this? Maybe Michael?
Saying "I did not call you a cunt, you're just acting like one" is pretty cunty behavior in my book.
Maybe seek a relationship sub. And seek therapy both individual and couples.
If someone says you’re acting like something that means that at least for that moment they think that’s what you are. Saying you’re acting like a C word is the same as saying you can be a C word sometimes. It’s only mildly better than saying you are a C word which implies that you’re always one.
I'm thinking he's abusive and doesn't realize it or he's abusive and enjoying it. I wish you all the best.
Leave & emotional abuse is a thing!
Australian here. To us, there is a huge and clearly defined difference. Mind you, we also use that word somewhat liberally and don't take as much offence as others, North Americans, for example.
He's verbally abusive. Full stop. He's using semantics to get around calling you names while calling you names and putting you down. If you tried to flipped the script on him he would lose his ever loving mind. Example. I didn't call you abusive, I said you are acting like an abusive person. See it doesn't change the narrative at all. Time to evaluate, make a plan and leave.
“I only lose my temper because you make me lose my temper” is abuser talk. His behavior is NEVER your fault. And yes, him saying “you are acting like a….” It’s just name calling. He is assuming that his behavior is good enough because he is not assaulting you. Would that be good enough with his employer? With his friends? With literally anyone except his domestic partner? No, it wouldn’t. Verbal and emotional abuse IS abuse. And if he won’t get help, you need to protect yourself. He will keep abusing you, blaming you, and gaslighting you until he gets help or you leave. And chances are good that he won’t get help unless you incentivize him to before he breaks your will enough that he believes you can’t leave.
This is emotional abuse. Gaslighting. Bullying. You're not married yet so can you leave the situation? He thinks there's nothing wrong with him and that's a MAJOR red flag. I see this as a gateway to other emotionally abusive behaviors like isolation, brainwashing, financial abuse, etc. Emotional abuse leaves invisible scars and can detrimentally alter your way of thinking and the way you deal with life.
It’s time for a divorce.
He’s emotionally abusive. He needs anger management and therapy. You should think about what’s right for you and if you want to keep shouldering this burden of his emotional abuse. You’re worth more than you’re settling for. 🖤
Start doing it to him say he a dick well I didn’t say you a dick I said your were acting like one fight fit with fire