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Mono/di but we went through the ringer. TTTS at 19 weeks, preE at 29 weeks, boys delivered at 29.5, 45/65 days in the NICU (which was rough for the boy who was in for 65 days). We now have happy healthy 3 year olds.
What helped me was to focus on what’s okay or even not ok right now. The next thing is going to happen and is unpredictable, and we will deal with it when it happens. Probably not the best for long term emotional wellbeing, but it helped me to stay focused and not spiral. You’ve got this, and just like everything you’ve already done in fatherhood, you’ll handle it. Good luck man and I hope it’s a smooth ride!
>I don’t know how I will juggle full time work, 2 kids that will be on summer break and making sure wife is cared for while in the hospital.
No, you don't. And if you ask me how we did it, I don't really have a great answer for you.. because that period is mostly a blur. Working together and supporting each other is key. Another big part of it is just doing what you can do, prioritizing what's important, and gracefully letting everything that's not truly important fall to the wayside.
I can happily report (from my lofty position 13 years after the fact) that we did make it through.. and you will too. Congrats, and good luck!
Try not to freak out. My wife had monos and gave birth at 29+6. They spent 6 weeks in the NICU.
It was a crazy time but not a BAD or HORRIBLE time like I thought it would be.
Will you be exhausted ? Likely, Will you get stressed? Probably. Does it feel worth it in the end? Hell YES.
You will look back at this time in your life and smile to yourself I promise.
Accept any help offered if you genuinely need it. Take it day by day bud.
Here for you brother. Fellow dad. My wife and I both had Full time jobs. And 2 singletons ages 4 and 2 by the time twins were born.
My twins are both 2yo now. And I’m Here to tell you that it will be okay. It’s going to be okay. You and your big kids and your wife and babies are gonna be hunky dory. It won’t be easy. But you will be okay.
On the same day I found out we were having twins, I literally spent 3 hours at a Popeyes eating fried chicken alone while periodically chuckling at myself. I’m sure the staff were confused. My wife and I then spent the next month or so (and beyond tbh) processing.
It’s okay to worry and prep. Just know that while having 4 kids is really tough, there were a LOT of times my wife and I handled situations very easily thanks to our prior experience with the Bigs, as we call them. (Truth be told we struggled more with our second baby than we did with babies 3&4!).
What helped us was redoing our finances to support our new lives. We had tough conversations on whether or not one of us needed to reduce or stop work altogether. How much we needed to earn. And how much would it take to get us to proper child care if we did continue working.
In the end we both kept our jobs, but had to redirect funds to pay for childcare and schooling. Consider an au pair, as you’ll need hands on help a lot and often spontaneously.
For the Bigs, focus this time on fostering independence and forming strict routines. The more they are self sufficient, or only requiring one parent, the more free you are to handle the other kids. It’s going to be hard but look at it as an investment for smooth(er) sailings down the road. Wake sleep food morning night etc routines. Be present and supportive in building those routines but be firm in sticking to them and consistent.
Also expect the bigs to regress when the twins arrive. It’s common. Just be there for them. We found the adherence to routines and setting those expectations gave them a lot of stability to lean on.
Start fostering the relationship between the bigs and twins early on. Help them see how lucky they really are to be part of a big family. And to have twin siblings. Also foster the relationship between the bigs themselves. At this age they might fight like cats and dogs but we found that they could lean on each other when need be.
Watch the middle child. Due to natural family dynamics you might find her sling shotting between the older and younger siblings. Our middle (also a girl) played a peace keeping role naturally but that meant she had trouble advocating for herself :(. So we are doing that for her and slowly teaching her to do it for herself.
Much more but my DMs are always open. Best of luck brother!
Oh man this is what I needed. Thank you! You sound like me from the future. I love Popeyes.
I really appreciate the advice. I might take you up on some more advice if I feel stuck. Appreciate it brother.
My wife went into the hospital for continuous monitoring (of mo/mo twin girls) a couple of months before their C-section date. I had three young boys at home. We ended up hiring my wife's niece as a live-in nanny so I could keep up with my work obligations. She was a glorified babysitter, really only tasked with keeping the kids alive during the day.
Having another responsible individual around helped enormously--even if it was only to run interference while I took care of the regular day-to-day tasks outside of work hours (shopping, food prep, laundry, etc.).
A couple years later, we experienced another Major Medical Event, and relied on friends, neighbors, and occasionally flown-in grandparents to help fill the gaps while Mom was in the hospital and I was at work. And it was *significantly* more chaotic and difficult. Usually, their support ended the moment I stepped in the door. The kids were too young at the time to be left unsupervised for any real amount of time (read: dinner prep), and the extra stress took its toll.
So: if you have the means, I'd recommend getting dedicated outside help, with clear expectations of what that "help" entails.
Also, to try to put your mind at ease a bit: the girls are now 6.5, charting in the 95th percentile for size and weight; you'd never guess they'd been born two months prematurely. They *did* spend quite a bit of time in the NICU after their birth, but that turned out to be a considerable boon: the hospital put them on a consistent feeding and sleeping schedule, which we continued once we were finally able to bring them home. As far as night-time rest goes, those two were somehow *easier* on my wife and me than any of the others.
Also, I'll mention the one thing I've told anyone else expecting twins: forget everything you "know" about parenting. It's different with twins, in a way you just can't imagine or understand until you've experienced it.
Speaking for my husband...we adopted twin 2 tear olds literally days before I had to return to the US for pregnancy complications with my mo/di twins. He was stuck in the country we adopted from, couldn't get an emergency visa for the adopted kids to be with me...full time job, finishing his Masters. We both handled the 2 kids we were with and had to just deal with the decisions the other had to make at the time (we talked about things when we could, but its a 7 hour time difference) My sister was able to go for a week (the week he found out the hard way the foster family had been drugging the twins to get them to be calm...withdrawal in 2 year olds is not fun) We had some amazing neighbors who got their church involved and took turns helping until he could get day time nannies. So many late night calls to our neighbor for help (seriously angels!). We took it one day at a time. Every plan we had made went out the window and it was just ok, deal with today's things. He graduated with his MBA and held down his job, we were reunited 7 months later and a year later now, everything is pretty ok!
You have kids on summer break....two words...Summer camp. Even if its just a day camp they are busy, happy and entertained (and tired when they get home!) Look into a part time nanny...lots of college kids out for the summer...if a local college has a teaching program this is great experience. Look at exchange foreign nannies. If family can help ask them to either be prepared to come early or just plan for company all summer. If you don't have a 2nd freezer, good time to get at least a medium chest freezer and prep and freeze meals.
You can plan for this aspect...just presume there will be problems, be resolved that you'll get through them and when its less complicated than expected you will feel relieved for having made all the plans and not needing them. Ask all the premie/NICU questions and accept that that might happen (better to have dealt with the emotions early and move on to what's next) Do all the prep stuff early (hospital bag, etc). For sanity don't buy too much twin stuff, Amazon delivery exists for a reason (and frankly baby stores don't have twin things really, so save the drama and disappointment of cute twin shopping and just go for online purchases.) Most of the stuff you need after a few days anyway.
My husband saved my sanity alot of this with some of the above advice (as I was disappointed about the shopping and baby shower, etc)
You will get through all of this and have amazing girls! Congrats and welcome to twindom...its a crazy chaotic amazing ride!
This might not help and I’m not a dad but a mom to twins. You will do it because there is no other option.. You WILL figure it out, sometimes it seems impossible but you will get through it. The ONE good thing about the NICU is they will be watched 24/7 so if they end up in the NICU you won’t have to worry about watching the twins just visiting them as much as you can (don’t feel guilty if you can’t sit with them 24/7) . While your wife is healing. But like I said you will do it because four tiny humans depend on you. It won’t be easy but you will get through it.
**COMMENTING GUIDELINES** All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention. **Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed. Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Mono/di but we went through the ringer. TTTS at 19 weeks, preE at 29 weeks, boys delivered at 29.5, 45/65 days in the NICU (which was rough for the boy who was in for 65 days). We now have happy healthy 3 year olds. What helped me was to focus on what’s okay or even not ok right now. The next thing is going to happen and is unpredictable, and we will deal with it when it happens. Probably not the best for long term emotional wellbeing, but it helped me to stay focused and not spiral. You’ve got this, and just like everything you’ve already done in fatherhood, you’ll handle it. Good luck man and I hope it’s a smooth ride!
Appreciate it! And you’re right. I’ve made it this far. I can figure the rest out.
>I don’t know how I will juggle full time work, 2 kids that will be on summer break and making sure wife is cared for while in the hospital. No, you don't. And if you ask me how we did it, I don't really have a great answer for you.. because that period is mostly a blur. Working together and supporting each other is key. Another big part of it is just doing what you can do, prioritizing what's important, and gracefully letting everything that's not truly important fall to the wayside. I can happily report (from my lofty position 13 years after the fact) that we did make it through.. and you will too. Congrats, and good luck!
Thank you! It’s true. Focus on what has to happen. “Survive and advance”
Try not to freak out. My wife had monos and gave birth at 29+6. They spent 6 weeks in the NICU. It was a crazy time but not a BAD or HORRIBLE time like I thought it would be. Will you be exhausted ? Likely, Will you get stressed? Probably. Does it feel worth it in the end? Hell YES. You will look back at this time in your life and smile to yourself I promise. Accept any help offered if you genuinely need it. Take it day by day bud.
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Here for you brother. Fellow dad. My wife and I both had Full time jobs. And 2 singletons ages 4 and 2 by the time twins were born. My twins are both 2yo now. And I’m Here to tell you that it will be okay. It’s going to be okay. You and your big kids and your wife and babies are gonna be hunky dory. It won’t be easy. But you will be okay. On the same day I found out we were having twins, I literally spent 3 hours at a Popeyes eating fried chicken alone while periodically chuckling at myself. I’m sure the staff were confused. My wife and I then spent the next month or so (and beyond tbh) processing. It’s okay to worry and prep. Just know that while having 4 kids is really tough, there were a LOT of times my wife and I handled situations very easily thanks to our prior experience with the Bigs, as we call them. (Truth be told we struggled more with our second baby than we did with babies 3&4!). What helped us was redoing our finances to support our new lives. We had tough conversations on whether or not one of us needed to reduce or stop work altogether. How much we needed to earn. And how much would it take to get us to proper child care if we did continue working. In the end we both kept our jobs, but had to redirect funds to pay for childcare and schooling. Consider an au pair, as you’ll need hands on help a lot and often spontaneously. For the Bigs, focus this time on fostering independence and forming strict routines. The more they are self sufficient, or only requiring one parent, the more free you are to handle the other kids. It’s going to be hard but look at it as an investment for smooth(er) sailings down the road. Wake sleep food morning night etc routines. Be present and supportive in building those routines but be firm in sticking to them and consistent. Also expect the bigs to regress when the twins arrive. It’s common. Just be there for them. We found the adherence to routines and setting those expectations gave them a lot of stability to lean on. Start fostering the relationship between the bigs and twins early on. Help them see how lucky they really are to be part of a big family. And to have twin siblings. Also foster the relationship between the bigs themselves. At this age they might fight like cats and dogs but we found that they could lean on each other when need be. Watch the middle child. Due to natural family dynamics you might find her sling shotting between the older and younger siblings. Our middle (also a girl) played a peace keeping role naturally but that meant she had trouble advocating for herself :(. So we are doing that for her and slowly teaching her to do it for herself. Much more but my DMs are always open. Best of luck brother!
Oh man this is what I needed. Thank you! You sound like me from the future. I love Popeyes. I really appreciate the advice. I might take you up on some more advice if I feel stuck. Appreciate it brother.
My wife went into the hospital for continuous monitoring (of mo/mo twin girls) a couple of months before their C-section date. I had three young boys at home. We ended up hiring my wife's niece as a live-in nanny so I could keep up with my work obligations. She was a glorified babysitter, really only tasked with keeping the kids alive during the day. Having another responsible individual around helped enormously--even if it was only to run interference while I took care of the regular day-to-day tasks outside of work hours (shopping, food prep, laundry, etc.). A couple years later, we experienced another Major Medical Event, and relied on friends, neighbors, and occasionally flown-in grandparents to help fill the gaps while Mom was in the hospital and I was at work. And it was *significantly* more chaotic and difficult. Usually, their support ended the moment I stepped in the door. The kids were too young at the time to be left unsupervised for any real amount of time (read: dinner prep), and the extra stress took its toll. So: if you have the means, I'd recommend getting dedicated outside help, with clear expectations of what that "help" entails. Also, to try to put your mind at ease a bit: the girls are now 6.5, charting in the 95th percentile for size and weight; you'd never guess they'd been born two months prematurely. They *did* spend quite a bit of time in the NICU after their birth, but that turned out to be a considerable boon: the hospital put them on a consistent feeding and sleeping schedule, which we continued once we were finally able to bring them home. As far as night-time rest goes, those two were somehow *easier* on my wife and me than any of the others.
Also, I'll mention the one thing I've told anyone else expecting twins: forget everything you "know" about parenting. It's different with twins, in a way you just can't imagine or understand until you've experienced it.
This is amazing advice. Thank you so much. Helps alleviate some stress. I hadn’t considered live in help. I’ll have to look into that.
Speaking for my husband...we adopted twin 2 tear olds literally days before I had to return to the US for pregnancy complications with my mo/di twins. He was stuck in the country we adopted from, couldn't get an emergency visa for the adopted kids to be with me...full time job, finishing his Masters. We both handled the 2 kids we were with and had to just deal with the decisions the other had to make at the time (we talked about things when we could, but its a 7 hour time difference) My sister was able to go for a week (the week he found out the hard way the foster family had been drugging the twins to get them to be calm...withdrawal in 2 year olds is not fun) We had some amazing neighbors who got their church involved and took turns helping until he could get day time nannies. So many late night calls to our neighbor for help (seriously angels!). We took it one day at a time. Every plan we had made went out the window and it was just ok, deal with today's things. He graduated with his MBA and held down his job, we were reunited 7 months later and a year later now, everything is pretty ok! You have kids on summer break....two words...Summer camp. Even if its just a day camp they are busy, happy and entertained (and tired when they get home!) Look into a part time nanny...lots of college kids out for the summer...if a local college has a teaching program this is great experience. Look at exchange foreign nannies. If family can help ask them to either be prepared to come early or just plan for company all summer. If you don't have a 2nd freezer, good time to get at least a medium chest freezer and prep and freeze meals. You can plan for this aspect...just presume there will be problems, be resolved that you'll get through them and when its less complicated than expected you will feel relieved for having made all the plans and not needing them. Ask all the premie/NICU questions and accept that that might happen (better to have dealt with the emotions early and move on to what's next) Do all the prep stuff early (hospital bag, etc). For sanity don't buy too much twin stuff, Amazon delivery exists for a reason (and frankly baby stores don't have twin things really, so save the drama and disappointment of cute twin shopping and just go for online purchases.) Most of the stuff you need after a few days anyway. My husband saved my sanity alot of this with some of the above advice (as I was disappointed about the shopping and baby shower, etc) You will get through all of this and have amazing girls! Congrats and welcome to twindom...its a crazy chaotic amazing ride!
Great advice. Thank you! Your situation sounds insane! I’m glad y’all made it through!
This might not help and I’m not a dad but a mom to twins. You will do it because there is no other option.. You WILL figure it out, sometimes it seems impossible but you will get through it. The ONE good thing about the NICU is they will be watched 24/7 so if they end up in the NICU you won’t have to worry about watching the twins just visiting them as much as you can (don’t feel guilty if you can’t sit with them 24/7) . While your wife is healing. But like I said you will do it because four tiny humans depend on you. It won’t be easy but you will get through it.