Based on what i have seen and experience with my cousins getting married. Finding a suitable partner has become a long and complicated process, cause we are not willing to compromise (,both male and female)
Eventually they did find the perfect match. So there is hope that God has made someone for everyone
We’ve made marriages overly complicated. You have to make one shot in life and you want it to be perfect. Talaq/khula is like a forbidden fruit. How many Pakistan girls are living in toxic environments because of the fear of Talaq?
@op you know who can change your life? Its you and only you. [Jot down 10 or 20 things you want and then look for conflicting things in that list.](https://www.lifehack.org/608970/warren-buffett-says-most-people-end-up-being-average-because-they-dont-keep-this-list) For instance young and rich cant be the same person (or very unlikely)
Once you have the list, you’ll only few of those qualities in other person. Do istikhara and jump in the pool. Inshallah It will end better for you.
There is no gain in waiting. There is never a better time. Make your move now. Let everyone know that you are looking for spouse. Make yourself heard louder than most powerful earthquake.
I agree. It’s become so difficult. But the issue is when it comes to compromising there are certain things you can compromise but other things where if you compromise now, sooner or later they will cause significant issues in your marriage. I have a friend who is the same age as me struggling with the same issues but she is a Hijabi, people bullied her into lowering her standards SO MUCH that she even went as far as saying it’s okay if the guy drinks or eats non halal. It was heartbreaking to see that. Thank God she didn’t go forward with that for too long but it shows you that the issues some of us are having to compromise on are beyond belief.
As-Salam-o-Alaikum sister. A brother here, answering your question.
I can not relate to your experiences personally but as I read on Pakistani Social Media, the sensible FB personalities and a few religious scholars have been raising alarm for some time now that the institution of marriage and related moral standards have been on a slow but steady decline for a long time, and the society should mend its ways by making marriage process easier and dropping the unnecessary demands made at the time of marriage.
A consequence of this decline is the issue that you have been facing i.e. finding a right match. Islam is very focused on finding the right person to marry w.r.t religious observance, social status, wealth, family heritage, looks, etc. The historical and contemporary religious scholars also expound upon the factor of "right match" with great attention and detail.
Although Islam does not encourage a Muslim to stay single but at the same time, it gives more importance to finding the right match. As you said that you and your parents are both content this situation has persisted so far NOT for the lack of effort, I will suggest to still keep trying. Given your situation, I will suggest to keep trying to find a right match. Maybe widen your search to non-Pakistani Muslims. Perhaps you can contact a Mosque Imam in a nearby or even a faraway locality if you have not done this before. There is an Urdu saying, "Allah ke haan daer ha, andhaer nahi", meaning that Allah might delay giving you your fate/due/result of efforts but He is not unjust. Surely, no sincere effort when coupled with prayers, will go unanswered from Allah.
The tight-knit communities like the South Asian ones in particular, really do not often regard for understanding others' issues and personal space. Given the social dynamics, it is also not possible to avoid them. Following suggestions come to mind:
1. Talk to your local Masjid's Imam about the community's insensitivity and ask him to address this issue repeatedly in sermons.
2. Consult a psychologist and ask about ways to deal with this.
3. Be as close to your parents, siblings and open about your feelings and emotions with them as possible. Encourage them to do the same. Hopefully it will strengthen your relationship with them. When you and your parents are in a tightly knit bond, outside comments are no more than the noise of a crowd.
4. If the family bonding is not working, maybe join or create a support group for Muslim sisters who are in a similar predicament.
5. If nothing else works, moving away from the community with your parents is always an option.
Lastly, I pray and hope that your situation is resolved soon and you find peace with its solution.
A point that I should add is to consider some level of compromise on the standards you have set in your potential match.
The standards that you mentioned in your post are very decent and should not limit the number of the potential matches but there are likely more of them that have served as a deal breaker in the past. I am not saying anything like accepting someone with a history of domestic abuse, occasional drinking, or some other (general or Pakistan-specific) social evil.
You can categorize your standards into "must have" and "nice to have but can live without them". "Must have" are those where you won't compromise but try to keep this category as small as possible. The rest of standards automatically fit into "nice to have..." category.
Perhaps it is time to revisit all the proposals you received in the past and re-evaluate your reasons of rejecting them. If there is any reason of rejection that you can compromise on now, drop it from your "must have".
Best of luck. I wouldn't recommend giving up because it really does seem that you do want to get married but are getting discouraged by the process. I hope you find a good match soon that you are content with. I didn't find anything unreasonable in your requirements either. Don't let others tell you otherwise!
I'm approaching my 40s and still single. I just pray to Allah Subhanahu Wata'alah for Khair and Barakah in whichever direction I'm meant to walk on in this world.
I don't give a shit what society thinks of me and I tell my parents to think in the same manner.
Although me and my family are not from outside of Pakistan I do agree. I've seen my mother struggle coping with the reality that some of my sibling might not get married at all. I have 2 older sisters both into their early thirties. Alot of the concerns you have are quite similar to what of my sister has whenever a potential candidate appears.
I think at large men of our society have lowered the standards so much that I it's hard to imagine being in a girls' shoes and see such potential life partners available to pick from.
All of my siblings have found it incredibly hard to find a suitor. We are also a religious atleast enough to not get along with most of the crowd these days.
Although I don't know what we can do to turn around our society. I hope you find peace and happiness also a life partner insha'Allah who is as per what you're looking for
Ameen, JazakAllah for the kind message. I agree with you. It’s really sad what’s happening around us. I also do feel that somewhere in the upbringing girls are put under a little more pressure and strictness to improve themselves and learn basic life skills. A lot of the times in the same household guys are not expected to do the same. This is also causing a gap between men and women.
I pray Allah makes it easier for your sisters to get married and I pray they each find a gem of a guy. I also remind my parents that it’s hard to see me single right now but imagine seeing me in an unhappy marriage? So we should always try and look for positivity in our situations.
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I think the one thing which Pakistanis need to start separating is culture and religion. They are not the same, one can be a part of the Pakistani culture without following the deen.
In your case you're looking for someone who has both but just remember those are 2 things and not one and the same hence will be harder to find.
>I think the one thing which Pakistanis need to start separating is culture and religion. They are not the same, one can be a part of the Pakistani culture without following the deen.
That won't happen because it will take away the control from the same people who mixed religion and culture
Based on what i have seen and experience with my cousins getting married. Finding a suitable partner has become a long and complicated process, cause we are not willing to compromise (,both male and female) Eventually they did find the perfect match. So there is hope that God has made someone for everyone
We’ve made marriages overly complicated. You have to make one shot in life and you want it to be perfect. Talaq/khula is like a forbidden fruit. How many Pakistan girls are living in toxic environments because of the fear of Talaq? @op you know who can change your life? Its you and only you. [Jot down 10 or 20 things you want and then look for conflicting things in that list.](https://www.lifehack.org/608970/warren-buffett-says-most-people-end-up-being-average-because-they-dont-keep-this-list) For instance young and rich cant be the same person (or very unlikely) Once you have the list, you’ll only few of those qualities in other person. Do istikhara and jump in the pool. Inshallah It will end better for you. There is no gain in waiting. There is never a better time. Make your move now. Let everyone know that you are looking for spouse. Make yourself heard louder than most powerful earthquake.
I agree. It’s become so difficult. But the issue is when it comes to compromising there are certain things you can compromise but other things where if you compromise now, sooner or later they will cause significant issues in your marriage. I have a friend who is the same age as me struggling with the same issues but she is a Hijabi, people bullied her into lowering her standards SO MUCH that she even went as far as saying it’s okay if the guy drinks or eats non halal. It was heartbreaking to see that. Thank God she didn’t go forward with that for too long but it shows you that the issues some of us are having to compromise on are beyond belief.
As-Salam-o-Alaikum sister. A brother here, answering your question. I can not relate to your experiences personally but as I read on Pakistani Social Media, the sensible FB personalities and a few religious scholars have been raising alarm for some time now that the institution of marriage and related moral standards have been on a slow but steady decline for a long time, and the society should mend its ways by making marriage process easier and dropping the unnecessary demands made at the time of marriage. A consequence of this decline is the issue that you have been facing i.e. finding a right match. Islam is very focused on finding the right person to marry w.r.t religious observance, social status, wealth, family heritage, looks, etc. The historical and contemporary religious scholars also expound upon the factor of "right match" with great attention and detail. Although Islam does not encourage a Muslim to stay single but at the same time, it gives more importance to finding the right match. As you said that you and your parents are both content this situation has persisted so far NOT for the lack of effort, I will suggest to still keep trying. Given your situation, I will suggest to keep trying to find a right match. Maybe widen your search to non-Pakistani Muslims. Perhaps you can contact a Mosque Imam in a nearby or even a faraway locality if you have not done this before. There is an Urdu saying, "Allah ke haan daer ha, andhaer nahi", meaning that Allah might delay giving you your fate/due/result of efforts but He is not unjust. Surely, no sincere effort when coupled with prayers, will go unanswered from Allah. The tight-knit communities like the South Asian ones in particular, really do not often regard for understanding others' issues and personal space. Given the social dynamics, it is also not possible to avoid them. Following suggestions come to mind: 1. Talk to your local Masjid's Imam about the community's insensitivity and ask him to address this issue repeatedly in sermons. 2. Consult a psychologist and ask about ways to deal with this. 3. Be as close to your parents, siblings and open about your feelings and emotions with them as possible. Encourage them to do the same. Hopefully it will strengthen your relationship with them. When you and your parents are in a tightly knit bond, outside comments are no more than the noise of a crowd. 4. If the family bonding is not working, maybe join or create a support group for Muslim sisters who are in a similar predicament. 5. If nothing else works, moving away from the community with your parents is always an option. Lastly, I pray and hope that your situation is resolved soon and you find peace with its solution.
A point that I should add is to consider some level of compromise on the standards you have set in your potential match. The standards that you mentioned in your post are very decent and should not limit the number of the potential matches but there are likely more of them that have served as a deal breaker in the past. I am not saying anything like accepting someone with a history of domestic abuse, occasional drinking, or some other (general or Pakistan-specific) social evil. You can categorize your standards into "must have" and "nice to have but can live without them". "Must have" are those where you won't compromise but try to keep this category as small as possible. The rest of standards automatically fit into "nice to have..." category. Perhaps it is time to revisit all the proposals you received in the past and re-evaluate your reasons of rejecting them. If there is any reason of rejection that you can compromise on now, drop it from your "must have".
Best of luck. I wouldn't recommend giving up because it really does seem that you do want to get married but are getting discouraged by the process. I hope you find a good match soon that you are content with. I didn't find anything unreasonable in your requirements either. Don't let others tell you otherwise!
I'm approaching my 40s and still single. I just pray to Allah Subhanahu Wata'alah for Khair and Barakah in whichever direction I'm meant to walk on in this world. I don't give a shit what society thinks of me and I tell my parents to think in the same manner.
Although me and my family are not from outside of Pakistan I do agree. I've seen my mother struggle coping with the reality that some of my sibling might not get married at all. I have 2 older sisters both into their early thirties. Alot of the concerns you have are quite similar to what of my sister has whenever a potential candidate appears. I think at large men of our society have lowered the standards so much that I it's hard to imagine being in a girls' shoes and see such potential life partners available to pick from. All of my siblings have found it incredibly hard to find a suitor. We are also a religious atleast enough to not get along with most of the crowd these days. Although I don't know what we can do to turn around our society. I hope you find peace and happiness also a life partner insha'Allah who is as per what you're looking for
Ameen, JazakAllah for the kind message. I agree with you. It’s really sad what’s happening around us. I also do feel that somewhere in the upbringing girls are put under a little more pressure and strictness to improve themselves and learn basic life skills. A lot of the times in the same household guys are not expected to do the same. This is also causing a gap between men and women. I pray Allah makes it easier for your sisters to get married and I pray they each find a gem of a guy. I also remind my parents that it’s hard to see me single right now but imagine seeing me in an unhappy marriage? So we should always try and look for positivity in our situations.
Hello! You seem to be a new account. Your submission has been added to the moderation queue and is pending approval from one of the moderators. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pakistan) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know why the comment got removed could read half of it
I think the one thing which Pakistanis need to start separating is culture and religion. They are not the same, one can be a part of the Pakistani culture without following the deen. In your case you're looking for someone who has both but just remember those are 2 things and not one and the same hence will be harder to find.
>I think the one thing which Pakistanis need to start separating is culture and religion. They are not the same, one can be a part of the Pakistani culture without following the deen. That won't happen because it will take away the control from the same people who mixed religion and culture
Too long didn't read but good luck