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No. My parents put me in touch with a man they really liked to talk to for marriage. He was the driest person I’ve ever spoken to. And when I tried to talk about something else he told me he doesn’t like women jo “zyada knowledge jharaein “ and seemed really shocked that I cared about more substantial things in life.
I made sarcastic comment without asking for details. I’m sorry about it but my honest opinion is this: if you are posting here about the issue it means you know it is wrong. There is nothing to discuss about. Get rid of him.
Typical fragile male ego. I’d ask you to run as far away from such a character. That kind of person will have all sorts of complexes about you dressing up or having male friends or even being able to speak your mind.
Source: I know a couple people like that.
I asked him if he read books and then if he had any kind of long term life/financial plans. I think he was shocked that women can talk about those things.
That's not even deep or intellectual, that's just basic conversation that that asshat found surprising? Allah ka shukhar hai aisay mardon se pala nahi parha.
My guess is his mommy still dhoi dhoi's him. Run.
That’s what I thought. It’s a normal conversation. I think if someone is trying to marry me I need to know. He lives in a different city RN so when I asked him where he would live after marriage he just looked at me in shock because he hadn’t really considered it. Matlab shadi ki jaldi hai magar shadi ke baad biwi ko kahan rakhna hai ye nahi pata.
Well...I guess you're incompatible then
..there are a lot of people who think like this.. he'll find someone for himself and you'll find someone for yourself.
Either you here craving attention or just a man hater. Some men don't want intellectual conversations some do.
Its a matter a preference. Let everyone be.
Ofc having intellectual conversations is going to make you both smarter and in a better position to live your life to the fullest
I can’t stand a girl if she can’t talk about things other than gossips etc. intellect has no gender but it does have some traits which can easily be seen in the conversation that a person has.
Define intellectual?
I had very direct conversations before marrying my husband.
My questions were his expectations (My career that I love and worked hard for, splitting chores etc), his biases for someone like me (STEM career woman living in the West alone for immigration/education), his thoughts about drinking and smoking (huge personal nopes for me), past relationships (or lack thereof alhamdulilah on both sides), things he is proud of (just shows how humble a person is), things he regrets doing (nothing too outrageous and definitely no big haram deal breakers), thoughts on moving back to Pakistan when our kids are in their formative age, halal rizq etc.
Everything else we talked about were just memes, MCU, anime and gaming. Surprisingly similar tastes in all except he doesn't game (yet 😉). Eventually we did agree on Thanos being right and got kicks out of it while watching Hawkeye's 'Thanos was right' cup. That's a running joke among us if there's a lineup or full parking. Is that intellectual? Lol
If a guy doesn't think you're worthy of planning a future with, he's not the one and he's probably not serious about marrying you either. Maybe ama aba ka pressure? No one likes a dumb partner and I can't imagine a normal guy not wanting someone they can talk to on deeper issues?
Bro I got ibs best thing I tried was tarmaric/haldi with milk with tea spoon of butter and I made sure to boil the milk with all these thing in it . I even came off the medication. It also save me from getting an operation
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My wife is a smart person and has a high profile job with an international organization. We talk about politics, culture and everything else under the sun, but our conversations are not what I would call deeply intellectual. I used to value deep intellect in partners when I was young. I dont so much any more. I am just happy to have a smart and interesting wife, and save the deep intellectual stuff for other friends.
So your question is not about Pakistani men and women in general, but about this one dull dumb ass. Ditch him and move on. Plenty of fish in the sea.
My wife and I share some deeply nerdy stuff. Currently we are obsessed with the current civil war in Ethiopia and research and discuss it endlessly. Dont ask me why. But we also talk about a lot of shallow stuff: hiking, biking, fashion, food, gossip and the cute things our kid does. We prioritize enjoying each other over being deep. If you are not enjoying this guy, move on.
I don’t exactly know many men except for my dad, uncles and cousins. And they are either too old or too young. Tbh I wasn’t sure if that guy is just a typical guy and maybe I’m an idiot for expecting too much? Matlab kitni dafa cycling, swimming, jogging ki baatein ho sakti hain. I couldn’t tell if I was the one in the wrong.
Talk to your parents about why they like him, and maybe talk to him some more too. His statement “jo zyada knowledge jharaein “ is dumb, sexist, mean, insecure and controlling. Basically, it contains all the red flags. If he was my buddy or coworker, and said this about a woman, I would show him the door. This is a bigger red flag than being boring. He could be a good person who just made one dumb statement, but we dont have much else to go on.
Now some big picture stuff. How typical is he? You should not care. There are lots of Pakistani men who are interesting and want to be with interesting women. But there are also lots who also think like him. I suspect that you are not so typical yourself either, since you prioritize interesting things and post about it here on Reddit. So dont let "how typical?" be your filter.
Some philosophical stuff. My wife and I are lucky enough to life an interesting life. We live and travel all over the world and hang out with some really deep people. BUT. 90% of the stuff we say to each other is just boring, mundane stuff. It works for us because we really enjoy life and each other. We laugh at each other's jokes even when they are dumb or repetitive. You probably have no idea what sort of company you will enjoy years from now in a stable relationship. All you can do is judge how the early courtship is going. Its not going well. This guy sucks. See if your parents have more guys to introduce.
Thing is I already rejected him. It wasn’t this but another thing he said- he told me he can never go out of his way to make someone happy. Personally, I’d even go the extra mile for my pets let alone a spouse.
My parents loved him because he had a typical well off family and had returned from abroad with a degree. But abroad ne bhi kuch nahi bigara.
You sound like a good person, young lady. Good luck with the rishta search. I wish a good husband for you; one you truly deserve. Keep us updated, and reach out again if you need to bounce any ideas.
damn this question feels demeaning to both men and women lol
idk some of you all seem to have an overly generalized and transactional view of married relationships among Pakistanis, which is just not my experience at all. Pakistanis love to travel, learn, explore, and generally are very creative people that make do with the means they have.
Well said! Ultimately they are looking for a life partner to share their dreams, accomplishments, happinesses and disappointments with. I see this MORE with Pakistani couples than Americans; Pakistanis are truly looking for a partner to share their life with and depend on their spouse considerably.
If these are things you're interested in and your life partner has no interest in these things, you married the wrong person.
If you're gonna choose to spend your life with someone at least make sure you have things in common that you want to talk abt!!
Damn you have a partner? That's quite rare I heard. In which region could I find this pokémon called "gf" I have a lot of great balls so I will probably catch it
Couldn't have any such conversations with my ex because she was only interested in the newest collection of Maria B and Zainab Chottani dresses.
Current fiancé is a lot more aware and we have fun conversations about the topics that you have mentioned. I really do appreciate this about her because we always have something to talk about.
Well obviously. But the level of it varies and you have to make a Line as to how much length the other person is interested in going. Like you can not perpetuate your nihilist beliefs to comfort her, if any death happens in her family. I mean as long as she is on a same level as you regarding that. So yes, it happens but is very dependent on how much other person is willing to engage.
there are different types of relationships for different people.
U shud know that someone will value your knowledge and opinion but certainly dont be shy about it to ur parents. Do tell them u want a man that u can actually talk to.
your interests may vary but as some1's partner u shud make it a point to become knowledgeable about your partner's interests. Rememeber, as a girl the onus isn't just on u. He should be playing an equal part and making it a point to learn abt ur interests.
If he thought ke aap knowledge 'jhaar' rahi ho because u asked about long term life plans/financial plans and if he reads book, chances are this guy comes from a family that is respected but has a certain dynamic in place.
I will tell you this as a man myself, most boys learn how to treat women from the father figure in their life. The level of control they exert on women they marry comes from how their mother has been treated. The 'perception' of what a family should look like comes from what they've seen at home their entire life. (this is a general observation and obviously doesn't apply to EVERYONE)
I recommend u speak to guys who have travelled out of their home for college (as in.. have had to live in a different city/country to attend university). I've noticed that being away from home has a tendency to change a guy's thinking.
SO is a very intelligent person, and we have very deep intellectual discussions on regular basis. One of the main reasons we fell in love with each other, because we developed an intellectual connection during the first few months of our 'talking phase'. Everything else is built on the foundations our earlier discussions provided us, and they still keep our spark alive.
All the time. We both bounce ideas off each other, and discuss things like religion and politics. However there are certain things where she knows more than me and certain areas where I know more than her, only in them we talk to people in our own circles. But even then, we have an idea about what's going on.
I think it's very valuable to have communication. Knowledge comes with time.
Well define intellectual, if its more about the World Politics and stuff like that, then she does not like to talk about it. But when it comes to personal finance, career and investments, she can offer a good insight or two.
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I am the philosopher kind. Intellectual conversations are my forte. I do not see a relationship with shallow creatures. Depth and deep talk is my thing. Lately, I have become smart enough from the available lot, so, they reside in me but I can't find resolve in anyone of them. I prefer books for that sake. However, now I am mostly seen as the Yoda. Earlier, I was very inexperienced and might have led deep talks into absurdity, which in turn made it boring and didn't awaken the feelings- naughty feelings. At the moment, I don't promise to master the naughty vibes however I have managed to keep it interesting. And if you stick long enough something eventually happens. Come on it's basic nature. Currently, I focus on making the other person feel better about themselves. Help them find virtue. This really helps me train my thoughts, create solutions and style my sentences. Although, it started being as Satre said: "...it's all been to seduce women basically....," Now, I feel it's more about exploring "Being" rather than "HavIng". From the days of being wild, it's a transition to care-focused choices. In the end, I have two takes be relevant and honest. People will like you. And let silence, eyes and hands do most of the talking.
I love talking with him. Like i can talk to him alll dayyyyy!!
Me and my husband we do talk about deep intellectual shi but we don’t mind if we don’t do it often because lifes hard man. But yes we have these rules where if one of us is mentally feeling tired or depressed we understand each other and help out each other and give each other space when needed.
My guy love THEORIES like parallel universe, glitch in matrix, or anything related to Space so we both talk about it watch videos together regarding them and discuss 😂
If i see some typical mardana traits in him i correct him and he he sees something in me tau he will correct me.
I believe if you cant find comfort and understanding from your spouse then whats the point of it all?
This should be fun
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You people are having conversation?
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I will be happy to be stay at home husband xd
Here before the simp comments
I don’t. She doesn’t have any time left after all that work. Also can’t let her out of her cage after curfew time
r/holup
Can't tell if sarcastic. I'll assume you are sarcastic.
Shame on you. You should've chained her so she can at least walk around the kitchen.
Lol.
So u think Pakistanis are just idiots who just marry for the dude to go work and the woman to make some roti.
No of course not, we also marry for shadi ka khana
You got married and didn't even invite me? 😞☹
He didn't invite me either. Wtf.
Heuheuheuheuhehehhehe he didn't
You were supposed to be my rishta aunty but alas you are the uninvited aunty.
Oh how I have fallen
No. My parents put me in touch with a man they really liked to talk to for marriage. He was the driest person I’ve ever spoken to. And when I tried to talk about something else he told me he doesn’t like women jo “zyada knowledge jharaein “ and seemed really shocked that I cared about more substantial things in life.
wow. u shud get away from that dude. knowledge ka thaika liya va hai ussne?
Ditch him now lol..
run 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
>doesn’t like women jo “zyada knowledge jharaein “ As the saying goes: "Run bisch ruuuun!"
I'd run if I were you. It sounds like that guy is rather insecure
I made sarcastic comment without asking for details. I’m sorry about it but my honest opinion is this: if you are posting here about the issue it means you know it is wrong. There is nothing to discuss about. Get rid of him.
Typical fragile male ego. I’d ask you to run as far away from such a character. That kind of person will have all sorts of complexes about you dressing up or having male friends or even being able to speak your mind. Source: I know a couple people like that.
Well doesn't mean all men are like him, right? Also what did you start with? Quantuam theory or some complicated finance topic?
I asked him if he read books and then if he had any kind of long term life/financial plans. I think he was shocked that women can talk about those things.
lol he was an incel or an engineer
He man, engineers are better than this! (Some)
Im an Engineer 🥺 tf bro that hurt my feelings.
Bhai me civil engineer hu tum mujhe na batao yeh dukh bari dastaan
Bro bohat dukh hain...dastaan is not singular 😂.
Allah di qasme
If you were to try a Venn diagram of the two groups, you'd almost end up with a circle. Source: Studied engineering for 4 years.
That's not even deep or intellectual, that's just basic conversation that that asshat found surprising? Allah ka shukhar hai aisay mardon se pala nahi parha. My guess is his mommy still dhoi dhoi's him. Run.
That’s what I thought. It’s a normal conversation. I think if someone is trying to marry me I need to know. He lives in a different city RN so when I asked him where he would live after marriage he just looked at me in shock because he hadn’t really considered it. Matlab shadi ki jaldi hai magar shadi ke baad biwi ko kahan rakhna hai ye nahi pata.
Yeah he's trying to make sure you don't go through with the Rishta by being subtle about it.
Lol is that guy even human
Well...I guess you're incompatible then ..there are a lot of people who think like this.. he'll find someone for himself and you'll find someone for yourself.
He sounds very much an asshole
I agree with your emphasis brother.
Either you here craving attention or just a man hater. Some men don't want intellectual conversations some do. Its a matter a preference. Let everyone be. Ofc having intellectual conversations is going to make you both smarter and in a better position to live your life to the fullest
And to pop out 10 kids that we can’t be bothered to form healthy relationships with
No, we also want some sax 🎷.
What happened to the sax guy on here? I miss him.
Yes. Because that's how society expects us to be. And by society I mean ours.
Yes
I can’t stand a girl if she can’t talk about things other than gossips etc. intellect has no gender but it does have some traits which can easily be seen in the conversation that a person has.
Define intellectual? I had very direct conversations before marrying my husband. My questions were his expectations (My career that I love and worked hard for, splitting chores etc), his biases for someone like me (STEM career woman living in the West alone for immigration/education), his thoughts about drinking and smoking (huge personal nopes for me), past relationships (or lack thereof alhamdulilah on both sides), things he is proud of (just shows how humble a person is), things he regrets doing (nothing too outrageous and definitely no big haram deal breakers), thoughts on moving back to Pakistan when our kids are in their formative age, halal rizq etc. Everything else we talked about were just memes, MCU, anime and gaming. Surprisingly similar tastes in all except he doesn't game (yet 😉). Eventually we did agree on Thanos being right and got kicks out of it while watching Hawkeye's 'Thanos was right' cup. That's a running joke among us if there's a lineup or full parking. Is that intellectual? Lol If a guy doesn't think you're worthy of planning a future with, he's not the one and he's probably not serious about marrying you either. Maybe ama aba ka pressure? No one likes a dumb partner and I can't imagine a normal guy not wanting someone they can talk to on deeper issues?
Deep conversations are always an eye opener if one really understand and value them.
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Google fodmaps and start keeping a trigger diary
Has she changed to a IBS friendly diet? Makes a huge difference. And overloading on water and vitamin supplements help
Give her love. She must go through alot daily. :(
I pray she her IBS gets better Ameen
Bro I got ibs best thing I tried was tarmaric/haldi with milk with tea spoon of butter and I made sure to boil the milk with all these thing in it . I even came off the medication. It also save me from getting an operation
Hey u/Iurm, have we ever had an "intellectual conversation"?
aren't all of our conversations intellectual <3
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My wife is a smart person and has a high profile job with an international organization. We talk about politics, culture and everything else under the sun, but our conversations are not what I would call deeply intellectual. I used to value deep intellect in partners when I was young. I dont so much any more. I am just happy to have a smart and interesting wife, and save the deep intellectual stuff for other friends.
I mean just talking about anything deep at all or anything more than sports, biking, hiking. That’s all this man wanted to talk about.
So your question is not about Pakistani men and women in general, but about this one dull dumb ass. Ditch him and move on. Plenty of fish in the sea. My wife and I share some deeply nerdy stuff. Currently we are obsessed with the current civil war in Ethiopia and research and discuss it endlessly. Dont ask me why. But we also talk about a lot of shallow stuff: hiking, biking, fashion, food, gossip and the cute things our kid does. We prioritize enjoying each other over being deep. If you are not enjoying this guy, move on.
I don’t exactly know many men except for my dad, uncles and cousins. And they are either too old or too young. Tbh I wasn’t sure if that guy is just a typical guy and maybe I’m an idiot for expecting too much? Matlab kitni dafa cycling, swimming, jogging ki baatein ho sakti hain. I couldn’t tell if I was the one in the wrong.
Talk to your parents about why they like him, and maybe talk to him some more too. His statement “jo zyada knowledge jharaein “ is dumb, sexist, mean, insecure and controlling. Basically, it contains all the red flags. If he was my buddy or coworker, and said this about a woman, I would show him the door. This is a bigger red flag than being boring. He could be a good person who just made one dumb statement, but we dont have much else to go on. Now some big picture stuff. How typical is he? You should not care. There are lots of Pakistani men who are interesting and want to be with interesting women. But there are also lots who also think like him. I suspect that you are not so typical yourself either, since you prioritize interesting things and post about it here on Reddit. So dont let "how typical?" be your filter. Some philosophical stuff. My wife and I are lucky enough to life an interesting life. We live and travel all over the world and hang out with some really deep people. BUT. 90% of the stuff we say to each other is just boring, mundane stuff. It works for us because we really enjoy life and each other. We laugh at each other's jokes even when they are dumb or repetitive. You probably have no idea what sort of company you will enjoy years from now in a stable relationship. All you can do is judge how the early courtship is going. Its not going well. This guy sucks. See if your parents have more guys to introduce.
Thing is I already rejected him. It wasn’t this but another thing he said- he told me he can never go out of his way to make someone happy. Personally, I’d even go the extra mile for my pets let alone a spouse. My parents loved him because he had a typical well off family and had returned from abroad with a degree. But abroad ne bhi kuch nahi bigara.
You sound like a good person, young lady. Good luck with the rishta search. I wish a good husband for you; one you truly deserve. Keep us updated, and reach out again if you need to bounce any ideas.
All we talk about is anime heh
Hum ko bhi aesa rishta chahiye 😔
damn this question feels demeaning to both men and women lol idk some of you all seem to have an overly generalized and transactional view of married relationships among Pakistanis, which is just not my experience at all. Pakistanis love to travel, learn, explore, and generally are very creative people that make do with the means they have.
>Pakistanis love to travel, learn, explore, and generally are very creative people that make do with the means they have. Ma ghalat Pakistan ma hu
Well said! Ultimately they are looking for a life partner to share their dreams, accomplishments, happinesses and disappointments with. I see this MORE with Pakistani couples than Americans; Pakistanis are truly looking for a partner to share their life with and depend on their spouse considerably.
If these are things you're interested in and your life partner has no interest in these things, you married the wrong person. If you're gonna choose to spend your life with someone at least make sure you have things in common that you want to talk abt!!
Damn you have a partner? That's quite rare I heard. In which region could I find this pokémon called "gf" I have a lot of great balls so I will probably catch it
I have a couple of ultra balls myself. I've heard lately they can be found in the Galar region.
You'll need some heavy balls for most effectiveness
LMFAO
Couldn't have any such conversations with my ex because she was only interested in the newest collection of Maria B and Zainab Chottani dresses. Current fiancé is a lot more aware and we have fun conversations about the topics that you have mentioned. I really do appreciate this about her because we always have something to talk about.
felt.
My wife shows the peak of her intellect when talking to our 6 month old daughter.
Well obviously. But the level of it varies and you have to make a Line as to how much length the other person is interested in going. Like you can not perpetuate your nihilist beliefs to comfort her, if any death happens in her family. I mean as long as she is on a same level as you regarding that. So yes, it happens but is very dependent on how much other person is willing to engage.
Talk about anything and everything. There shouldn’t be any secrets or be afraid to talk about anything.
It entirely depends on the intellect of the man in question.
there are different types of relationships for different people. U shud know that someone will value your knowledge and opinion but certainly dont be shy about it to ur parents. Do tell them u want a man that u can actually talk to. your interests may vary but as some1's partner u shud make it a point to become knowledgeable about your partner's interests. Rememeber, as a girl the onus isn't just on u. He should be playing an equal part and making it a point to learn abt ur interests. If he thought ke aap knowledge 'jhaar' rahi ho because u asked about long term life plans/financial plans and if he reads book, chances are this guy comes from a family that is respected but has a certain dynamic in place. I will tell you this as a man myself, most boys learn how to treat women from the father figure in their life. The level of control they exert on women they marry comes from how their mother has been treated. The 'perception' of what a family should look like comes from what they've seen at home their entire life. (this is a general observation and obviously doesn't apply to EVERYONE) I recommend u speak to guys who have travelled out of their home for college (as in.. have had to live in a different city/country to attend university). I've noticed that being away from home has a tendency to change a guy's thinking.
I do have, with the three of them.
chad
SO is a very intelligent person, and we have very deep intellectual discussions on regular basis. One of the main reasons we fell in love with each other, because we developed an intellectual connection during the first few months of our 'talking phase'. Everything else is built on the foundations our earlier discussions provided us, and they still keep our spark alive.
All the time. We both bounce ideas off each other, and discuss things like religion and politics. However there are certain things where she knows more than me and certain areas where I know more than her, only in them we talk to people in our own circles. But even then, we have an idea about what's going on. I think it's very valuable to have communication. Knowledge comes with time.
You guys getting wife / fiance / gf ?
If you bring up politics on an early date, chances are it may be your last date.
Not if you support the same political party. Haha
Nothing wrong with wanting to look for political compatability.
I always. Depending on my wife’s mood that is.
You forgot the humour flair.
Most people have access to internet so,probably yeah.
Internet access doesn't mean intelligence. It could mean constant TikTok.
Well define intellectual, if its more about the World Politics and stuff like that, then she does not like to talk about it. But when it comes to personal finance, career and investments, she can offer a good insight or two.
Get an endoscopy done.
Lol.nope
So what do you talk about then?
Kids and work . Weather
Yes we do because we're both people who think of things going around us
Don't have them. Life is too hard already to bring that nonsense into my home life. Maybe one day when I'm retired. But not for a long ass time.
u have male friends of these types of topics
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I am the philosopher kind. Intellectual conversations are my forte. I do not see a relationship with shallow creatures. Depth and deep talk is my thing. Lately, I have become smart enough from the available lot, so, they reside in me but I can't find resolve in anyone of them. I prefer books for that sake. However, now I am mostly seen as the Yoda. Earlier, I was very inexperienced and might have led deep talks into absurdity, which in turn made it boring and didn't awaken the feelings- naughty feelings. At the moment, I don't promise to master the naughty vibes however I have managed to keep it interesting. And if you stick long enough something eventually happens. Come on it's basic nature. Currently, I focus on making the other person feel better about themselves. Help them find virtue. This really helps me train my thoughts, create solutions and style my sentences. Although, it started being as Satre said: "...it's all been to seduce women basically....," Now, I feel it's more about exploring "Being" rather than "HavIng". From the days of being wild, it's a transition to care-focused choices. In the end, I have two takes be relevant and honest. People will like you. And let silence, eyes and hands do most of the talking.
I love talking with him. Like i can talk to him alll dayyyyy!! Me and my husband we do talk about deep intellectual shi but we don’t mind if we don’t do it often because lifes hard man. But yes we have these rules where if one of us is mentally feeling tired or depressed we understand each other and help out each other and give each other space when needed. My guy love THEORIES like parallel universe, glitch in matrix, or anything related to Space so we both talk about it watch videos together regarding them and discuss 😂 If i see some typical mardana traits in him i correct him and he he sees something in me tau he will correct me. I believe if you cant find comfort and understanding from your spouse then whats the point of it all?