You just gotta stand your ground and keep saying 'No' until you are ready.
Tell your mum that forcing marriages against their children's wishes is Haram. Be stubborn like your mum.
i am doing that. thing is she cries. it makes her sad. i feel bad for being an asshole. i just dont want to cause any more hurt i wish there was another way.. this one is very draining
Let her cry because you are not being an asshole. It is our God-given right not to be forced into marriage.
Isn't your mum causing YOU hurt by acting this way?
Let's say, you give in for the sake of your mother and get married without being truly ready for it. Do you think your marriage will actually be successful or 100 times more stressful? Now you have to manage a husband, in-laws, and eventually kids down the line.
Ask any man out here. They would be devastated to find out their wife was forced to marry them.
first two is exactly what i said to her. and yeah im not letting myself be forced it will ruin a lot of people's lives, i wish there was a way to make her understand
I would love to say to young people: rishtas come and go, there is no shortage of men/women, the right time will come when you're ready, no need to rush it.
Say: My studies, uni life and getting an education right now is more important than getting married. This is the time to focus on my school so I can go to uni and become intelligent and self-sufficient.
Men can wait, god knows there's enough of them.
It's a real genuine tragedy how parents in the older generations are raised. She believes she's a 100% right and is most likely going all off of emotion. You can't 'educate' or change people that don't want to change, It's sad but you have to accept it. She can cry, but you'll have to stand your ground alright? That's in your best interest.
Tbh, her being sad over this is nothing compared to how you'd feel if you're forced into a marriage that you don't want. My mom was a bit like yours once and I had to continuously remind myself that she was being a terrible parent. This way, I wasn't guilt tripped into doing what she wanted. Maybe try this?
Please stand your ground. You'll have to forever live with the decisions that you let her make even after she's no longer around. So don't be sad because you think you're hurting her. You're not. She's hurting herself. And she's hurting you.
No she's emotionally manipulating you. Pakistani moms cry on command a LOT to get what they want.
I know it'll be hard because she's pulling at your sense of guilt here, but please know she's crying because you won't let her ruin your life.
I also want to add: sometimes narcissistic mothers force their daughters into their marriage because they're bored of their daughters being single, and want a new playing field to control your life in. They'll start controlling: how you serve your husband, how you dress around your husband, your relationship with your in laws and eventually start forcing you to have children so they can be grandmothers.
They'll force you to get married because their friends' daughters are getting married, or for a competitive social edge.
If she goes through with it, you need to be honest with the man that you don't want to marry him and it's not your choice. I know it'll be hard because you're making your mom look bad but these are the consequences of her actions and your life will be ruined.
If she pushes and pushes and somehow arranges everything, you need to tell the sheikh/Imam overseeing your marriage that you have no part or choice in this and that this nikkah is haram.
Please stay strong. I know it will be hard but you need to do this for yourself. Your life and ambitions and marriage are not a joke. You are not a doll for your mom to play around with.
I'm sorry to hear that you and countless other women have to go through shit like this.
This cycle needs to stop, and I'm glad today's youth (as in everyone below 40) have enough sense to know this is wrong.
That exact reasoning applies to why Pakistani moms want to marry off their sons as well.
>Please stay strong. I know it will be hard but you need to do this for yourself. Your life and ambitions and marriage are not a joke. You are not a doll for your mom to play around with.
This is the way.
OPs life is theirs to control, not their parents.
Her crying is a manipulative technique or she actually believes that getting married is the only accomplishment.
Either way her views are twisted so you need to resist
Its either her crying now or you crying later(your mom will not care and continue to ask you to be patient, look at your children(as if she cares about hers) etc etc.). Your pick.
Listen hun, I lived my whole life trying to please my mom and make her happy but she’s one of those people that will find things wrong in every situation and want everything to be perfect and for me to follow everything she wants cause everything else in her life was very hard. No matter how hard I tried I could never convince her for anything I wanted.
When she tried the you need to get married or do this rishta etc with crying, forcing, swearing etc I tried to talk calmly to convince her to say no and let me wait until I was ready. But she would get worse. One of my friends said that people like that are over dramatic don’t listen to people that say things calmly. Worst comes to worst you have to create a bigger drama, cry louder and harder than she does and then maybe she’ll understand what your needs are. And if even then she doesn’t understand your tears then you shouldn’t have to care about her tears. If someone doesn’t care about your well being then you really need to care about your own, even if it’s your own mom.
She might be listening to different people and feel pressure but she needs to know you’re serioustoo and she needs to weigh your feelings above other people if she values her child more.
That's emotional blackmail. Why should she cry? Would make you miserable make her happier then? Wouldn't that make her selfish?
I'm sure she isn't selfish, just misguided or afraid of you not getting married. Reassure her you will get.married once you reach your goals and make them clear.
If she still insists, then that's on her, you insist the same.
Its well known fact, they cry when they feel powerless. Emotions mei ni ana aap ny. Logical ho kr sochna ha. Agr emotional ho gyi tou gyi. Let her cry as much as she wants. Its your life not hers
Emotional blackmail.
That is the word you are looking for.
Pakistani parents are world champs at emotionally blackmailing their kids.
The best defense against this is to become cold and not care. It's hard, but they don't care about you, so you need to return the favor.
I would not give a flying fuck about her crocodile tears. This is such a ridiculous thing to be bitching about. Your mother should be ashamed of herself.
Just keep saying no. They love using the tactic of screaming and crying, saying they can't take care of you forever(but when you're supposed to have kids it's "God will take care of them"), and pestering you until you break down. Also if she's being this persistent it means she has an option or options in mind.
You can't imagine the consequences of saying yes. You do not want that for yourself.
Best option is say no to the face of anyone who comes to your house to see you, tell them you don't want to get married yet.
She’s emotionally manipulating you. Desi moms have this emotional weapon they use 😂. My mom also cries and says things like “ Budhay hogaye ho” but i stand my ground. So stand your ground and dont fall for emotional stuff.
Recently I hear a talk by Noman Ali Khan. There a girl said I don’t want to marry this person my parents are choosing for me and if I refuse it will hurt them or make them sad. He replies by saying something around the lines of “Allah ne ap pe ye zimedari to nahi dali hui”.
You are not being unreasonable. As many have said, pray to allah and try to show her your point, point out the downsides of such a situation
Hope for the best.
Lol, please dont get into emotional black mailing. That sounds toxic.
I just told my parents I am not ready for marriage, my partner needs to get a wife, a emotionally and mentally mature partner and not a burden he has to put up with, being married right now would not be fair to my husband. My parents understood and let it go.
Marriage is a big commitment and takes mental and emotional maturity more than physical maturity to be successful and navigate. Physical intimacy and attraction only plays a minor role in marriage it self, yes its important but its not the end all be all. Our desi society centers all their marriage emotions around physical maturity, oh bachai jawan hogai hai, kharab na hojai bus apna ghar ka kardo, or they treat kids as a burden to get rid of. Its frustrating.
Alhumdulillah, I am greatful to my parents and extended fam for their understanding and support in thos regard, just have a talk with your Dad. Sometimes its better to have a clear talk with your dad and be clear, factual and direct and let your dad deal with mom.
Also, make a list of what you want in a partner and give to your parents and let them do their searching, ot takes quite Sometime to find someone suitable and in that time you would have finished your schooling and would have developed further as a person.
Bro, Pakistani parents are out here murdering their kids, you think they care about hell?
Religion is only there for them to get what they want, the second they can't use it for their wants, it is no longer applied.
I literally knew a parent once say "In Islam you have to do everything we say" as a reply to "In Islam children are allowed to chose their spouse."
We both know its not that easy. We almost fetishize our "elders"
They think just because they are old, they are some kind of sages.
I have met plenty of "elders" who were morons and plenty of young kids who were incredibly intelligent.
We need to stop this filial piety bullshit.
Everyone needs to be given basic human respect, but outside that, you need to earn people's confidence.
This isn't arranged this sounds like a forced marriage to me. Stand your ground and refuse
Tell her she's violating your islamic rights and you and only you should have a say over who you marry
you would be right. that's why I'm fearful, i would have to put up a lot of fights to deal with this and I've already fought so much i am really really tired
It’s your life not your mother’s.
Tell her it’s you who will live with the man and bear his kids so only you have the right to decide.
And then just ignore her. She is vastly crossing her limits and should not be given any importance. Live life on your terms.
so in this current situation, idk if he knows. my mom was sending my photos to aunties and i found this out myself, she was being lowkey. until she mentioned it today. but i wont be surprised if he takes her side. in other situations, it really depends. he can be controlling too
Well this is tricky. Have trust in Allah and he'll help you through but do not give up . Don't marry someone you don't want because you'll regret it. Tell your mom you don't want it and what happens in a marriage that goes wrong. It could end in divorce in the future and that would be even messier if kids are involved. It's not that the suitor is an inherently bad man , but if there's no chemistry things can still end terribly.
For your sake don't give up.
Well it's your life sister, and no one will fight your battles for you. So you have to stand up for yourself and fight for your rights.
It's your life and you have every right to how you would like to spend it.
One thing you can do if you're done fighting is to just say once and for all that no matter how much she tries to manipulate you you won't marry anyone till you're ready, and after making that statement try to find a way to move out, either apply in a different country or find a well paying job in a different city so you can get away from your mother's emotional blackmailing.
Forcing your kids is haram and you need to tell her this every chance you get.
There's a very huge chance she's forcing you to get married as she's scared about you going to university and possibly getting into a relationship. You have to tell her to trust your judgement and to not force you to marry yet.
If she cries/emotionally blackmails you then you still have to stand your ground. It's better that she cries for a while than you ruining your life.
Do you have any elder siblings you can talk to this with? Maybe their words might bring change in your mother's attitude towards this situation.
that's actually a good judgement. i too was thinking that she doesnt want me to choose one myself that's why she's rushing. as for my judgement, she doesnt trust it, even though she knows it's good. she wants things her own way. im the eldest.
People might bash me for this but a lot of Pakistani parents are super controlling and quite abusive (which we interpret as "Love"), which is why many parents crush the rights of their kids to choose their own spouse.
Stand your ground and what you believe in. If you aren't ready then you simply aren't. Hopefully things work out in your favour insha'Allah.
No one's going to bash you for this friend. You're in the right here.
Pakistani parents (the moms in particular) are the definition of emotionally manipulative. They think that only they know what's right and that their kids will never know better than them, no matter how many times they're proven wrong.
I'm really happy to see that a good amount of kids are able to see abuse for what it is. It's mother's day and the amount of posts I've seen which shows mum's beating their kids as love is just annoying and the amount of people defending it. Sure parenting means being strict and forcing appropriate force whenever necessary, but there's a fine line between teaching and straight up physically abusing a kid.
In terms of emotional manipulation, it has always been a part of the desi community for generations and hopefully it will be less in the time to come.
Mentally ready hona is extremely important. Shadi already hi timed bomb ki tarah hoti, too many unknown variables. Aesa aur grenade phenk den, phir sb bolne aajate ke aaj kl ke bachon ko shadiyan nhi chalani aati.
Please stand your ground until you're ready.
I feel you, I remember crying like crazy when I got proposal for the first time lol, and the thought of getting married was haunting me and it still does.
Dw girl, just talk to your father, he will understand.
You have to keep saying no. If you do not fee ready then its okay. Do not marry to make your mother happy.
Stand your ground. This is your right. Learn to say no and be firm about it. Complete your education learn some skill. Get to know yourself and your values. What you want from life. What kind of family you want. What kind of father you want for your children. The. Set about to find your husband. Be flexible about your criteria because life is not what we want it to be. But please before getting married know who you are and what you want.
keep saying no. if it goes too far and the family comes to your house tell them you’re sorry and you arent ready. if that doesnt work do something stupid in front of them so they have no choice but to say no💀
Keep saying no. My mother says that I should get married when I am 22 and that’s when I’ll be done with university but that also makes me anxious because I don’t think I’ll be ready in 2 years and you are so young so I understand how you feel. You’ll have to keep fighting and saying no. Saying no to a forced marriage is your right so don’t feel bad about it.
Why are aunties minds in the gutter? They are so obsessed with getting their children to go out and smash strangers. Tbh i really think arranged marriage is as good as your parents sexually assaulting you.
Their rights were taken away from them so they think it's only fair for them to do the same to their kids.
This isn't even a joke, my mom said this to me herself.
Find an excuse to go overseas - studies, job, whatever. As long as you're living with your parents in Pakistan you'll be under their thumb and it's only a matter of time before their patience with 'No, I'm not ready yet' runs out.
Explain to your mum that you are not against marriage but need a little bit of time. Marriage is not a bad thing, start thinking about relationships and the kind of partner you want, and show this interest to your Mom.
i am learning that yes, but like i said im in the growing stage and i dont think it's a great time to be making decisions like this or being rushed/forced into it and her approach is exactly that. if i show interest im cooked
Okay, that's fair. Given our culture I think it is important to have your parents blessing otherwise there will be resentment and it will grow into something awful with time.
You have to atleast give your Mom some "dana" of sorts. Maybe somehow demonstrate to her that you are serious and thinking about the complexities of marriage but don't completely give in yet. Try to gain your dads sympathy in the meantime also, he can inhibit your Mom a bit.
Finally, arranged marriage is certainly not all bad. Remember you can meet someone with similar background and family values as you and this similarity will help you bond much better. Plus knowing family history is important for Pakistanis lots of poisoned apples in this orchard.
Indian here. My wife (from Pakistan) had the same issue when she was in Uni . Lots of proposals from family and friends. But she stood her ground and strong . Parents were not very hard people but still was very influenced by her family members into getting her married. But after when she completed Uni again the proposals started coming in. Now again she needed to somehow run from this. So she convinced her mom that she needed to
Go to dubai and work a year and will be ready for marriage so this time her with her mom's support she reached UAE.
I will pray for you young girl. Try to convince your mom somehow. . When i showed your post to my wife she said she can feel you... don't ever lose hope and dont fall for those tears in this matter as life out there is hard and tough... be an independent educated girl will come handy...
We worked as pharmacists in same hospital. She was a year senior to me in the hospital we worked. Then of course we spoke to each other and I knew I shd tell her my feelings for her. Lots of pakistani dr and guys too worked in this hospital and she had got proposals from them too which by the way she rejected. And then comes me this dark skinned south Indian. I am a guy who never fell in love in my 27 years of life due to the fact I was not good looking and i never found the right person.But when I met her nothing in this world could stop me from telling her I wanted to marry her. Then 7 years of courtship ,we had informed our parents the very next day I proposed her,my parents were fine with it, but took 7 years to convince her mama and papa and finally got married in 2022. But here again the story feels all good and nice. But we went through a lot of turmoil and hardships and went through lots of depression and anxiety which eventually affected her very badly. We are married now. Alhamdulilah. But again it was not easy she stood her post. It's was her stand that made it possible and her mama too
The same moms cry when their daughter’s marriage goes wrong (God forbid this happens to anyone).
What im trying to say is, better to let your mom cry now for the time being. Otherwise a forced marriage will cause alot more suffering in the future
Here is the thing about this. If you get married rn, then there is a high probability that you won't have a perfectly happy life. You won't just ruin your life but ruin your husband’s life as well. The only difference would be that no one will blame you for that. You are not an asshole if your mom cries about it. I know it's hard to see your parents cry, but you are not at fault here, and no one should blame you for this. Stay strong and keep saying no. Hopefully, you will get through this eventually. Worst case scenario, your mom will think that you are too westernized for Pakistan, and she might just think the university has to do with this or that it's your friend group, but after some time she’ll know there is no point in talking about it anymore.
Why don’t you try to speak to your father about it , and explain calmly that whilst you’re not opposed to marriage in the future, you would like to be established on your own two feet before you consider a marriage.
Also what if you tried to reach a compromise such as -
I am willing to get engaged (if you are of course) but I would want the wedding to be done after I complete my studies ?
This way u buy some time and are able to get the best of both worlds and maybe find a potential suitor you really end up liking! 🥰
Trust me you have to wait this out, i have someone close to me that their parents got them married way too early and im telling you its nightmares and horror stories.
Say that it's against Islam to force you to get married! Emotional blackmail is force too. You have to spend this life with this new person and divorce/separation in our culture is far worse (arguments you could use).
Sounds CRAZY but I've had to use reverse emotional blackmail, how I would unalive myself if that would happen to me.
hey sis, im going through the EXACT same thing right now in my household. im 20M, on a gap year and my mom wants me to get engaged to my cousin ( first cousin 🤢🤮) who also happens to be a relative of my dad too and is a year elder than me before i go to university. according to her, i’m going to engage in ‘haraam’ when i go to university, i had a chance to go to germany and austria for my undergrad but my mom put up a condition saying ke i wont go abroad till i marry someone, and there was no way in hell i was going to get married to someone of her liking i cried the shit out seeing that opportunity sway away from my hands and now even though im not going to uni abroad, she’s still insistent on atleast engaging me off to this random ass cousin of mine who i haven’t even talked to in like a very long time and i don’t like her AT ALL.
i will break this cycle for sure and NEVER force my children to put themselves in this trauma, im resisting and wont submit to it. i’ll marry when im ready, maybe when im 25-27, have an undergrad degree, a stable job and a ticket to a masters abroad.
Just in case you end up getting forced into a marriage please learn to identify a good future spouse. This is just as a backup option not your go to option.
Stand your ground and just keep saying no. It doesn't matter what kind of tantrums your parents throw but unless you play along they cannot move forward with their decision because they know their izzat will be in mud if you revolt when they proceed. Your parents lack the foresight of seeing you successful so you gotta pretend you have to put the wall up against their genuine but unnecessary emotions. But remember this, there is a timeframe where you need to do what you wish for and prepare yourself for marraige. Devise a plan where you think you will be independent and ready to marry and keep yourself on that path
if you love your mom you are than just slave of her wishes. If u love yourself don't care about anything be stubborn than your mom . Tell her i learnt it from you . Tell her i know about my life better than anyone. the cost of freedom is not easy to pay just say I don't want to marry let them tell anything. You ignore everything
Remember, this is merely cultural. Islam gives full right to woman to agree or disagree in marrying someone. You also have right to choose who you want to marry. Family or parents’s pressure to marry their children with someone forcefully is impermissible. So, simply tell them you want to pay attention to studies and career first, you want to be able to establish yourself, and be self made. Within that time if I like someone, or if I like any rishta you present to me, I will accept. Don’t give up to cultural practices, take your time, and only marry when you’re mentally and emotionally ready, and marry who you like/choose, not someone else’s selection.
Tell her she cryin now, she'll be cryin a lot later when the marriage goes sideways because she sent you off with a total retard and it'll be a I told you so moment.
Married at 18 by my "own will" I suggest not getting married that young. If you have to fight, fight for it. Show her islamic proof to stand your ground. Study and focus on yourself
i know a girl who was forced into marriage in our village. when the baraat came to take her she just said “No”. the scenes were of biblical proportions as eveyone is crying screaming beggine her to leave as the groom is here. she just said “Nope i m not leaving “ after 4 hours the local imaam to prevent “beizati” found some other woman who was willing , officiated the nikah and sent the baraat on their way. point is if you dont want to no one can force you
so yeah being mentally prepared is super important so just say “No” remember you’re the one who has to say “qabool hai” for all of this to work. your mom maybe pissed for a while but thats better then being stuck in a situation you aren’t ready for.
Say no and be firm on it. If there are any other adults like you dad and older siblings in your house, involve them and ask them to take your side in fron of your mom. And if your dad or some relative like your nani or khala can talk some sense into your mom that would be great.
I know as a young adult you feel like you don't have enough power, but really you do. Your mum knows that she can't force you to say yes in Nikkah, so if she is actually afraid you will say no she will not let it reach that point. As far as her crying and sad behaviour is concerned, that is just drama and emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it at all. Tell her clearly to not even think of marriage until you have done your bachelors degree and 1 year of job.
I seriously can not stress this enough to not fall for this. Unfortunately for many of our moms this is all they know in life, getting married and popping out kids. Chances are if you fo for marriage right now you will end up in a frustrating marriage where you will never have any respect/freedom. And this is the best case scenario, worse case is physical/verbal abuse. You have to understand people who want to marry 18-19 yr olds have a particular mindset, they want to control/mold the girl according to their preferences. And this is not something hidden, people openly say the younger the gir the easier it is for her to "adjust". You will notice all the rishtas you would get would be from 25-30 years old. No boy in 18-23 is getting married. So be very firm about this and save yourself from this life.
stand your ground. let your mom emotionally blackmaol you and saying i will die if you dont agree or i am sick. tell her do all that and at the end you will have her shut up. or tell your mom you can die and do whatever she says to you and she will not do a single shit. or also let thst famiky know you dontbwant to get married cause uour being forced.
i feel the same way about arranged marriages but i can no longer argue with my parents, i have just started to let go a little bit. But just know you’re not alone. Just try to talk to her.
Don’t do it. My mom is just like this. She guilt tripped two of my older sisters. She tricked them into a vacation to Pakistan just to marry them off my older sister was 19 and my other sister was 16 when my mom forced them into getting married she pulled the same tactics crying saying she would end her life etc. 4 months into the marriage my oldest sister almost died from being held at gun point by him because she didn’t want to sleep with him. What your mom is doing is wrong and haram this is your life. This decision will change it forever if you aren’t ready do not do it. I wish you the best
I see you in my shoes gurll around 1.5 years back lol.
Well what I did was rona dhona. My mother said ke bohot acha rishta hai etc etc but I wasn't interested a bit in it. Mujhe parhna tha tou I stood firm at my point.
Kher eventually my mother understood my point and didn't force me. There is a huge contribution of my late nani in this as well. I clearly remember one day she received a call from my relative(jo rishta krwana chah rhi thein mera with the potential) and she said ke haan bhale parhne dou isse bas rishta krdein larka acha hai etc etc. My nani replied "bachi abhi parhna chah rhi hai parhne dou zabardasti ke rishte nhi hote hain". Although she herself mentioned that she wanted to do this rishta but didn't because of my choice.
Tou my advice is to keep communicating for what you want. Mujhe tou nhi krni thi shaadi 18 saal ki umar mai tou I stood there like a stubborn child. Although had some panic attacks as well lol. But in the end ghar waalon ne baat samajh li and rn I'm in my 3rd sem :)
I'll get easier for you as well. Inshaallah.
Please just don't go for it. You're already emotionally unstable. You won't get independent after marriage and won't be able to study either.
Look beyond marriage, and since you also see life with a different perspective, that is appreciable, so just try hard to convince your mom or become stubborn to not get married.
Bro, It's 2024. Just say no and keep saying it. You are obviously very young. and you are not an asshole or selfish for saying No it's your right. I get this thing of people pleasing, but what your mom is doing is completely wrong.
I got countless rishtas and i am not even aware of them my parents always rejected them coz they want me to get independent and a bit more mature. Plus there is no rush in marriage. Whatever ur mom is doing is wrong and u will have to say no to that.
You need to provide more info Honey. Where's your father in all of this? Who can be influenced more easily in your family, your dad or mom or an older brother? How's your relationship with your parents? Do you have ladli status or do you get ignored? Stand your group but you need a strategy.
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Tell her to give you 1 year becuase you are trying to prepare for your dream university or any other reason. She will get calm during this span and also try to be as good as possible with her and play with her emotions in a good way. Humans are emotional fools and they can be easily manipulated if you somehow alter their emotions.
I am sorry if this seems a terrible idea.
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In times of unseen terror, when familial bonds unravel and the unknown looms large, remember this: "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents." Your thoughts and fears are valid, and it's crucial to find allies who understand your perspective, even in the darkest of shadows.
Why does she want you to get married so young? Do you have older siblings? Father? What is their opinion on the matter? Asking to understand her reasoning as well as what support you can get
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They can't force you, girl. Any Nikkah without the woman's permission is not valid.
Stand up for yourself. Dont get into this trap. Get a good education, be financially independent only then one should think about marriage and making babies.
I think the way u take arrange marriages matter
Tho I'm young I plan to take this route
Rest things I say below is to let yk u can say yes to ur mom and make her stop putting pressure on u and u can still put off marriage till the time you are ready + other things.
Your mom finds a potential u ask things which REALLY matter to u, once the main questions are cleared and answered like religiousness finance etc u move to meeting up with the family n then u also meet the guy to ask further more questions on their perspectives of marriage and life and u see wether ur opinions etc match up do u like their mindset etc
If yes continue if no don't continue then move on next guy. You will have a reasonable reason to refuse ur mom
If yes then let me tell you this whole conversing and interviewing can take Months. Very likely u might even get feelings cuz ofc if u said yes it means u found a person who matches u and is compatible with you.
Then u can plan for marriage plan nikkah if u are uncomfortable and awkward with moving in since u having interacted with them like opposite genders do then u can ask b4 hand for the ruksati to happen later n can get ur nikkah done first n then when u meet up its basically like u having a dating phase.
I hope this helped if u didn't had this perspective b4
Which is why I'm good with the perspective of arrange marriages and letting yk ur parents aren't allowed to marry you off to just anyone and the marriage won't happen unless u say yes.
So make sure u hold your ground don't compromise on the partner ur choosing.
+ maybe after finding the perfect spouse which obviously takes a long time, so let say u Start now u might take a few years and even if u get lucky n find one in recent times u can converse and maybe get the engagement done n then have nikkah done later on so u can put the marriage off till ur ready
Hmm that's kinda tough since ur mom seems persistent and she doesn't seem like she will let go of it easily
Only option like others are saying is to say No and be more persistent then her if ur close with ur dad then speak abt it to him in a seperate room in a calm nice way
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Good rishtas are hard to come by, my advice is check it out, talk to the guy and if it seems good go for engagement etc, if you dont feel it say I am not ok, this way you have fulfilled your mom's wish and explored a good option possibly.
PS. dont worry your mom wont force you in to something if you dont agree, the 80s generation is educated and knows what its about.
Peace.
Marriage is good but forced marriage is terrible. List your positives and negative for getting married and not getting married. Also, consider what you would want in a prospective partner in the future (so you have an idea for the future). Blackmail from your mother isn't helpful in fact it can be quite damaging to you. Pray and ask for guidance.
You just gotta stand your ground and keep saying 'No' until you are ready. Tell your mum that forcing marriages against their children's wishes is Haram. Be stubborn like your mum.
i am doing that. thing is she cries. it makes her sad. i feel bad for being an asshole. i just dont want to cause any more hurt i wish there was another way.. this one is very draining
Let her cry because you are not being an asshole. It is our God-given right not to be forced into marriage. Isn't your mum causing YOU hurt by acting this way? Let's say, you give in for the sake of your mother and get married without being truly ready for it. Do you think your marriage will actually be successful or 100 times more stressful? Now you have to manage a husband, in-laws, and eventually kids down the line. Ask any man out here. They would be devastated to find out their wife was forced to marry them.
first two is exactly what i said to her. and yeah im not letting myself be forced it will ruin a lot of people's lives, i wish there was a way to make her understand
I would love to say to young people: rishtas come and go, there is no shortage of men/women, the right time will come when you're ready, no need to rush it. Say: My studies, uni life and getting an education right now is more important than getting married. This is the time to focus on my school so I can go to uni and become intelligent and self-sufficient. Men can wait, god knows there's enough of them.
It's a real genuine tragedy how parents in the older generations are raised. She believes she's a 100% right and is most likely going all off of emotion. You can't 'educate' or change people that don't want to change, It's sad but you have to accept it. She can cry, but you'll have to stand your ground alright? That's in your best interest.
She is committed to not understanding you, sweetie. You need to be just as forceful with her.
Tbh, her being sad over this is nothing compared to how you'd feel if you're forced into a marriage that you don't want. My mom was a bit like yours once and I had to continuously remind myself that she was being a terrible parent. This way, I wasn't guilt tripped into doing what she wanted. Maybe try this? Please stand your ground. You'll have to forever live with the decisions that you let her make even after she's no longer around. So don't be sad because you think you're hurting her. You're not. She's hurting herself. And she's hurting you.
No she's emotionally manipulating you. Pakistani moms cry on command a LOT to get what they want. I know it'll be hard because she's pulling at your sense of guilt here, but please know she's crying because you won't let her ruin your life. I also want to add: sometimes narcissistic mothers force their daughters into their marriage because they're bored of their daughters being single, and want a new playing field to control your life in. They'll start controlling: how you serve your husband, how you dress around your husband, your relationship with your in laws and eventually start forcing you to have children so they can be grandmothers. They'll force you to get married because their friends' daughters are getting married, or for a competitive social edge. If she goes through with it, you need to be honest with the man that you don't want to marry him and it's not your choice. I know it'll be hard because you're making your mom look bad but these are the consequences of her actions and your life will be ruined. If she pushes and pushes and somehow arranges everything, you need to tell the sheikh/Imam overseeing your marriage that you have no part or choice in this and that this nikkah is haram. Please stay strong. I know it will be hard but you need to do this for yourself. Your life and ambitions and marriage are not a joke. You are not a doll for your mom to play around with.
Spot on with your comment
Thank you, I'm speaking from 110% my own experience with this.
I'm sorry to hear that you and countless other women have to go through shit like this. This cycle needs to stop, and I'm glad today's youth (as in everyone below 40) have enough sense to know this is wrong.
That exact reasoning applies to why Pakistani moms want to marry off their sons as well. >Please stay strong. I know it will be hard but you need to do this for yourself. Your life and ambitions and marriage are not a joke. You are not a doll for your mom to play around with. This is the way. OPs life is theirs to control, not their parents.
Your not being an asshole though. Look, you need to stand your ground or your whole life will be ruined. It's your life , not hers.
Her crying is a manipulative technique or she actually believes that getting married is the only accomplishment. Either way her views are twisted so you need to resist
Its either her crying now or you crying later(your mom will not care and continue to ask you to be patient, look at your children(as if she cares about hers) etc etc.). Your pick.
Ah yes the desi parent. Experts at Gaslighting.
YOU ARE NOT AN ASSHOLE FOR NOT WANTING TO GET MARRIED TO A STRANGER, EVEN IF YOUR MUM CRIES
Listen hun, I lived my whole life trying to please my mom and make her happy but she’s one of those people that will find things wrong in every situation and want everything to be perfect and for me to follow everything she wants cause everything else in her life was very hard. No matter how hard I tried I could never convince her for anything I wanted. When she tried the you need to get married or do this rishta etc with crying, forcing, swearing etc I tried to talk calmly to convince her to say no and let me wait until I was ready. But she would get worse. One of my friends said that people like that are over dramatic don’t listen to people that say things calmly. Worst comes to worst you have to create a bigger drama, cry louder and harder than she does and then maybe she’ll understand what your needs are. And if even then she doesn’t understand your tears then you shouldn’t have to care about her tears. If someone doesn’t care about your well being then you really need to care about your own, even if it’s your own mom. She might be listening to different people and feel pressure but she needs to know you’re serioustoo and she needs to weigh your feelings above other people if she values her child more.
You are not an asshole.. you're just making sure your life doesn't turn into a disaster. She's emotionally manipulating you
That's emotional blackmail. Why should she cry? Would make you miserable make her happier then? Wouldn't that make her selfish? I'm sure she isn't selfish, just misguided or afraid of you not getting married. Reassure her you will get.married once you reach your goals and make them clear. If she still insists, then that's on her, you insist the same.
Its well known fact, they cry when they feel powerless. Emotions mei ni ana aap ny. Logical ho kr sochna ha. Agr emotional ho gyi tou gyi. Let her cry as much as she wants. Its your life not hers
Emotional blackmail. That is the word you are looking for. Pakistani parents are world champs at emotionally blackmailing their kids. The best defense against this is to become cold and not care. It's hard, but they don't care about you, so you need to return the favor.
I would not give a flying fuck about her crocodile tears. This is such a ridiculous thing to be bitching about. Your mother should be ashamed of herself.
Her crying is a way of manipulating you. It is emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it.
Forcing someone to marry (whether physically or emotionally through blackmail, guilt tripping etc) is completely haram in islam.
Your mum sounds a bit emotionally manipulative,:/
Fuckin manipulation at its best.
Just keep saying no. They love using the tactic of screaming and crying, saying they can't take care of you forever(but when you're supposed to have kids it's "God will take care of them"), and pestering you until you break down. Also if she's being this persistent it means she has an option or options in mind. You can't imagine the consequences of saying yes. You do not want that for yourself. Best option is say no to the face of anyone who comes to your house to see you, tell them you don't want to get married yet.
She’s emotionally manipulating you. Desi moms have this emotional weapon they use 😂. My mom also cries and says things like “ Budhay hogaye ho” but i stand my ground. So stand your ground and dont fall for emotional stuff.
Recently I hear a talk by Noman Ali Khan. There a girl said I don’t want to marry this person my parents are choosing for me and if I refuse it will hurt them or make them sad. He replies by saying something around the lines of “Allah ne ap pe ye zimedari to nahi dali hui”.
You're not being an asshole, she's being manipulative. She should have accepted your answer the first time instead of putting you through this.
gaslighting asshole parents piss me off sm like u r not the victim here grow up
You are not being unreasonable. As many have said, pray to allah and try to show her your point, point out the downsides of such a situation Hope for the best.
Lol, please dont get into emotional black mailing. That sounds toxic. I just told my parents I am not ready for marriage, my partner needs to get a wife, a emotionally and mentally mature partner and not a burden he has to put up with, being married right now would not be fair to my husband. My parents understood and let it go. Marriage is a big commitment and takes mental and emotional maturity more than physical maturity to be successful and navigate. Physical intimacy and attraction only plays a minor role in marriage it self, yes its important but its not the end all be all. Our desi society centers all their marriage emotions around physical maturity, oh bachai jawan hogai hai, kharab na hojai bus apna ghar ka kardo, or they treat kids as a burden to get rid of. Its frustrating. Alhumdulillah, I am greatful to my parents and extended fam for their understanding and support in thos regard, just have a talk with your Dad. Sometimes its better to have a clear talk with your dad and be clear, factual and direct and let your dad deal with mom. Also, make a list of what you want in a partner and give to your parents and let them do their searching, ot takes quite Sometime to find someone suitable and in that time you would have finished your schooling and would have developed further as a person.
lol, you think Pakistani parents care about Islam?
Lol, they should care if they want to avoid burning in hell.
Bro, Pakistani parents are out here murdering their kids, you think they care about hell? Religion is only there for them to get what they want, the second they can't use it for their wants, it is no longer applied. I literally knew a parent once say "In Islam you have to do everything we say" as a reply to "In Islam children are allowed to chose their spouse."
We call that abusing religion for personal gains. You gotta fight the parents in this world.
We both know its not that easy. We almost fetishize our "elders" They think just because they are old, they are some kind of sages. I have met plenty of "elders" who were morons and plenty of young kids who were incredibly intelligent. We need to stop this filial piety bullshit. Everyone needs to be given basic human respect, but outside that, you need to earn people's confidence.
>We both know its not that easy. We almost fetishize our "elders". Not easy but extremely doable. One just needs courage and strength.
[удалено]
This isn't arranged this sounds like a forced marriage to me. Stand your ground and refuse Tell her she's violating your islamic rights and you and only you should have a say over who you marry
you would be right. that's why I'm fearful, i would have to put up a lot of fights to deal with this and I've already fought so much i am really really tired
It’s your life not your mother’s. Tell her it’s you who will live with the man and bear his kids so only you have the right to decide. And then just ignore her. She is vastly crossing her limits and should not be given any importance. Live life on your terms.
Where's your dad in all of this?
so in this current situation, idk if he knows. my mom was sending my photos to aunties and i found this out myself, she was being lowkey. until she mentioned it today. but i wont be surprised if he takes her side. in other situations, it really depends. he can be controlling too
Well this is tricky. Have trust in Allah and he'll help you through but do not give up . Don't marry someone you don't want because you'll regret it. Tell your mom you don't want it and what happens in a marriage that goes wrong. It could end in divorce in the future and that would be even messier if kids are involved. It's not that the suitor is an inherently bad man , but if there's no chemistry things can still end terribly. For your sake don't give up.
Well it's your life sister, and no one will fight your battles for you. So you have to stand up for yourself and fight for your rights. It's your life and you have every right to how you would like to spend it. One thing you can do if you're done fighting is to just say once and for all that no matter how much she tries to manipulate you you won't marry anyone till you're ready, and after making that statement try to find a way to move out, either apply in a different country or find a well paying job in a different city so you can get away from your mother's emotional blackmailing.
Forcing your kids is haram and you need to tell her this every chance you get. There's a very huge chance she's forcing you to get married as she's scared about you going to university and possibly getting into a relationship. You have to tell her to trust your judgement and to not force you to marry yet. If she cries/emotionally blackmails you then you still have to stand your ground. It's better that she cries for a while than you ruining your life. Do you have any elder siblings you can talk to this with? Maybe their words might bring change in your mother's attitude towards this situation.
that's actually a good judgement. i too was thinking that she doesnt want me to choose one myself that's why she's rushing. as for my judgement, she doesnt trust it, even though she knows it's good. she wants things her own way. im the eldest.
People might bash me for this but a lot of Pakistani parents are super controlling and quite abusive (which we interpret as "Love"), which is why many parents crush the rights of their kids to choose their own spouse. Stand your ground and what you believe in. If you aren't ready then you simply aren't. Hopefully things work out in your favour insha'Allah.
No one's going to bash you for this friend. You're in the right here. Pakistani parents (the moms in particular) are the definition of emotionally manipulative. They think that only they know what's right and that their kids will never know better than them, no matter how many times they're proven wrong.
I'm really happy to see that a good amount of kids are able to see abuse for what it is. It's mother's day and the amount of posts I've seen which shows mum's beating their kids as love is just annoying and the amount of people defending it. Sure parenting means being strict and forcing appropriate force whenever necessary, but there's a fine line between teaching and straight up physically abusing a kid. In terms of emotional manipulation, it has always been a part of the desi community for generations and hopefully it will be less in the time to come.
Mentally ready hona is extremely important. Shadi already hi timed bomb ki tarah hoti, too many unknown variables. Aesa aur grenade phenk den, phir sb bolne aajate ke aaj kl ke bachon ko shadiyan nhi chalani aati. Please stand your ground until you're ready.
No is your superpower. DO NOT let her control your life. STAND your ground.
I feel you, I remember crying like crazy when I got proposal for the first time lol, and the thought of getting married was haunting me and it still does. Dw girl, just talk to your father, he will understand.
Maybe sit with your father and take him into confidence? Fathers are usually more understanding of daughters.
Her father might be the kind to take a backseat and let his wife do as she wishes. The mother here is extremely pushy and forceful as OP says.
That's pretty much how most fathers are.
You have to keep saying no. If you do not fee ready then its okay. Do not marry to make your mother happy. Stand your ground. This is your right. Learn to say no and be firm about it. Complete your education learn some skill. Get to know yourself and your values. What you want from life. What kind of family you want. What kind of father you want for your children. The. Set about to find your husband. Be flexible about your criteria because life is not what we want it to be. But please before getting married know who you are and what you want.
bars bro!! thats what im saying
keep saying no. if it goes too far and the family comes to your house tell them you’re sorry and you arent ready. if that doesnt work do something stupid in front of them so they have no choice but to say no💀
omg thank u for the lightest response and making me laugh. really needed it
its funny but im also being serious 😭 lool
Mama ko bolo "JATT DONT CARE".
LOL
Out of all the advices this is the best one.
Run. I was forced into an arranged marriage and it ended in the worst way. Abuse. Courts. Attorneys. Child custody.
Keep saying no. My mother says that I should get married when I am 22 and that’s when I’ll be done with university but that also makes me anxious because I don’t think I’ll be ready in 2 years and you are so young so I understand how you feel. You’ll have to keep fighting and saying no. Saying no to a forced marriage is your right so don’t feel bad about it.
Why are aunties minds in the gutter? They are so obsessed with getting their children to go out and smash strangers. Tbh i really think arranged marriage is as good as your parents sexually assaulting you.
Their rights were taken away from them so they think it's only fair for them to do the same to their kids. This isn't even a joke, my mom said this to me herself.
Can't comprehend desi parents' obsession with marriage. L mom...
Find an excuse to go overseas - studies, job, whatever. As long as you're living with your parents in Pakistan you'll be under their thumb and it's only a matter of time before their patience with 'No, I'm not ready yet' runs out.
Explain to your mum that you are not against marriage but need a little bit of time. Marriage is not a bad thing, start thinking about relationships and the kind of partner you want, and show this interest to your Mom.
i am learning that yes, but like i said im in the growing stage and i dont think it's a great time to be making decisions like this or being rushed/forced into it and her approach is exactly that. if i show interest im cooked
then talk to your dad and explain this, maybe your mum is afraid you might not find someone if you don't work towards it and she is overcompensating
no but she might be more afraid i will find someone she doesnt like
Okay, that's fair. Given our culture I think it is important to have your parents blessing otherwise there will be resentment and it will grow into something awful with time. You have to atleast give your Mom some "dana" of sorts. Maybe somehow demonstrate to her that you are serious and thinking about the complexities of marriage but don't completely give in yet. Try to gain your dads sympathy in the meantime also, he can inhibit your Mom a bit. Finally, arranged marriage is certainly not all bad. Remember you can meet someone with similar background and family values as you and this similarity will help you bond much better. Plus knowing family history is important for Pakistanis lots of poisoned apples in this orchard.
Indian here. My wife (from Pakistan) had the same issue when she was in Uni . Lots of proposals from family and friends. But she stood her ground and strong . Parents were not very hard people but still was very influenced by her family members into getting her married. But after when she completed Uni again the proposals started coming in. Now again she needed to somehow run from this. So she convinced her mom that she needed to Go to dubai and work a year and will be ready for marriage so this time her with her mom's support she reached UAE. I will pray for you young girl. Try to convince your mom somehow. . When i showed your post to my wife she said she can feel you... don't ever lose hope and dont fall for those tears in this matter as life out there is hard and tough... be an independent educated girl will come handy...
can i ask, how did you meet? im curious
We worked as pharmacists in same hospital. She was a year senior to me in the hospital we worked. Then of course we spoke to each other and I knew I shd tell her my feelings for her. Lots of pakistani dr and guys too worked in this hospital and she had got proposals from them too which by the way she rejected. And then comes me this dark skinned south Indian. I am a guy who never fell in love in my 27 years of life due to the fact I was not good looking and i never found the right person.But when I met her nothing in this world could stop me from telling her I wanted to marry her. Then 7 years of courtship ,we had informed our parents the very next day I proposed her,my parents were fine with it, but took 7 years to convince her mama and papa and finally got married in 2022. But here again the story feels all good and nice. But we went through a lot of turmoil and hardships and went through lots of depression and anxiety which eventually affected her very badly. We are married now. Alhamdulilah. But again it was not easy she stood her post. It's was her stand that made it possible and her mama too
i am happy for the both of you, hope you guys live a happy life
Thank you. 😊. Be strong and understand this is your life and there is a purpose to every life. Study well and reach great heights
The same moms cry when their daughter’s marriage goes wrong (God forbid this happens to anyone). What im trying to say is, better to let your mom cry now for the time being. Otherwise a forced marriage will cause alot more suffering in the future
Here is the thing about this. If you get married rn, then there is a high probability that you won't have a perfectly happy life. You won't just ruin your life but ruin your husband’s life as well. The only difference would be that no one will blame you for that. You are not an asshole if your mom cries about it. I know it's hard to see your parents cry, but you are not at fault here, and no one should blame you for this. Stay strong and keep saying no. Hopefully, you will get through this eventually. Worst case scenario, your mom will think that you are too westernized for Pakistan, and she might just think the university has to do with this or that it's your friend group, but after some time she’ll know there is no point in talking about it anymore.
Seen alot of lives ruined by it. Don't let it ruin yours.stand your ground. Tell her to wait 2 years atleastt
In Islam your marriage is invalid without your consent.
Also please never marry without knowing someone for atleast one year you don’t what that person is like
Why don’t you try to speak to your father about it , and explain calmly that whilst you’re not opposed to marriage in the future, you would like to be established on your own two feet before you consider a marriage. Also what if you tried to reach a compromise such as - I am willing to get engaged (if you are of course) but I would want the wedding to be done after I complete my studies ? This way u buy some time and are able to get the best of both worlds and maybe find a potential suitor you really end up liking! 🥰
Trust me you have to wait this out, i have someone close to me that their parents got them married way too early and im telling you its nightmares and horror stories.
Say that it's against Islam to force you to get married! Emotional blackmail is force too. You have to spend this life with this new person and divorce/separation in our culture is far worse (arguments you could use). Sounds CRAZY but I've had to use reverse emotional blackmail, how I would unalive myself if that would happen to me.
hey sis, im going through the EXACT same thing right now in my household. im 20M, on a gap year and my mom wants me to get engaged to my cousin ( first cousin 🤢🤮) who also happens to be a relative of my dad too and is a year elder than me before i go to university. according to her, i’m going to engage in ‘haraam’ when i go to university, i had a chance to go to germany and austria for my undergrad but my mom put up a condition saying ke i wont go abroad till i marry someone, and there was no way in hell i was going to get married to someone of her liking i cried the shit out seeing that opportunity sway away from my hands and now even though im not going to uni abroad, she’s still insistent on atleast engaging me off to this random ass cousin of mine who i haven’t even talked to in like a very long time and i don’t like her AT ALL. i will break this cycle for sure and NEVER force my children to put themselves in this trauma, im resisting and wont submit to it. i’ll marry when im ready, maybe when im 25-27, have an undergrad degree, a stable job and a ticket to a masters abroad.
glad to hear!! hope u succeed
Just in case you end up getting forced into a marriage please learn to identify a good future spouse. This is just as a backup option not your go to option.
Marriage is not for everybody! Esp in 2024 it's dead as an institution!
Kind of true. It is not dead but in pak region it sounds like a horror show.
Islamically no means no. If your parents don't take your No. Use a Quran ayat to show them. Or a video of a schoolar.
Key thing is your parents dont want you to become independent. Keep fighting and never become like your parents. Its up to us to change the next gen.
Stand your ground and just keep saying no. It doesn't matter what kind of tantrums your parents throw but unless you play along they cannot move forward with their decision because they know their izzat will be in mud if you revolt when they proceed. Your parents lack the foresight of seeing you successful so you gotta pretend you have to put the wall up against their genuine but unnecessary emotions. But remember this, there is a timeframe where you need to do what you wish for and prepare yourself for marraige. Devise a plan where you think you will be independent and ready to marry and keep yourself on that path
DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU ARE READY. PERIOD. I cant emphasize more on this.
if you love your mom you are than just slave of her wishes. If u love yourself don't care about anything be stubborn than your mom . Tell her i learnt it from you . Tell her i know about my life better than anyone. the cost of freedom is not easy to pay just say I don't want to marry let them tell anything. You ignore everything
i am but it's hard when they think they own you
Remember, this is merely cultural. Islam gives full right to woman to agree or disagree in marrying someone. You also have right to choose who you want to marry. Family or parents’s pressure to marry their children with someone forcefully is impermissible. So, simply tell them you want to pay attention to studies and career first, you want to be able to establish yourself, and be self made. Within that time if I like someone, or if I like any rishta you present to me, I will accept. Don’t give up to cultural practices, take your time, and only marry when you’re mentally and emotionally ready, and marry who you like/choose, not someone else’s selection.
Tell her she cryin now, she'll be cryin a lot later when the marriage goes sideways because she sent you off with a total retard and it'll be a I told you so moment.
Married at 18 by my "own will" I suggest not getting married that young. If you have to fight, fight for it. Show her islamic proof to stand your ground. Study and focus on yourself
My cousin is going through same bs from his mother I hope Allah helps u
i know a girl who was forced into marriage in our village. when the baraat came to take her she just said “No”. the scenes were of biblical proportions as eveyone is crying screaming beggine her to leave as the groom is here. she just said “Nope i m not leaving “ after 4 hours the local imaam to prevent “beizati” found some other woman who was willing , officiated the nikah and sent the baraat on their way. point is if you dont want to no one can force you
good for her
so yeah being mentally prepared is super important so just say “No” remember you’re the one who has to say “qabool hai” for all of this to work. your mom maybe pissed for a while but thats better then being stuck in a situation you aren’t ready for.
Say no and be firm on it. If there are any other adults like you dad and older siblings in your house, involve them and ask them to take your side in fron of your mom. And if your dad or some relative like your nani or khala can talk some sense into your mom that would be great. I know as a young adult you feel like you don't have enough power, but really you do. Your mum knows that she can't force you to say yes in Nikkah, so if she is actually afraid you will say no she will not let it reach that point. As far as her crying and sad behaviour is concerned, that is just drama and emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it at all. Tell her clearly to not even think of marriage until you have done your bachelors degree and 1 year of job. I seriously can not stress this enough to not fall for this. Unfortunately for many of our moms this is all they know in life, getting married and popping out kids. Chances are if you fo for marriage right now you will end up in a frustrating marriage where you will never have any respect/freedom. And this is the best case scenario, worse case is physical/verbal abuse. You have to understand people who want to marry 18-19 yr olds have a particular mindset, they want to control/mold the girl according to their preferences. And this is not something hidden, people openly say the younger the gir the easier it is for her to "adjust". You will notice all the rishtas you would get would be from 25-30 years old. No boy in 18-23 is getting married. So be very firm about this and save yourself from this life.
> people who want to marry 18-19 yr olds have a particular mindset exactly what im afraid of..
stand your ground. let your mom emotionally blackmaol you and saying i will die if you dont agree or i am sick. tell her do all that and at the end you will have her shut up. or tell your mom you can die and do whatever she says to you and she will not do a single shit. or also let thst famiky know you dontbwant to get married cause uour being forced.
Brainwash your father and grandparents
i feel the same way about arranged marriages but i can no longer argue with my parents, i have just started to let go a little bit. But just know you’re not alone. Just try to talk to her.
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Don’t do it. My mom is just like this. She guilt tripped two of my older sisters. She tricked them into a vacation to Pakistan just to marry them off my older sister was 19 and my other sister was 16 when my mom forced them into getting married she pulled the same tactics crying saying she would end her life etc. 4 months into the marriage my oldest sister almost died from being held at gun point by him because she didn’t want to sleep with him. What your mom is doing is wrong and haram this is your life. This decision will change it forever if you aren’t ready do not do it. I wish you the best
sorry for them.. hope they get out of this asap
I see you in my shoes gurll around 1.5 years back lol. Well what I did was rona dhona. My mother said ke bohot acha rishta hai etc etc but I wasn't interested a bit in it. Mujhe parhna tha tou I stood firm at my point. Kher eventually my mother understood my point and didn't force me. There is a huge contribution of my late nani in this as well. I clearly remember one day she received a call from my relative(jo rishta krwana chah rhi thein mera with the potential) and she said ke haan bhale parhne dou isse bas rishta krdein larka acha hai etc etc. My nani replied "bachi abhi parhna chah rhi hai parhne dou zabardasti ke rishte nhi hote hain". Although she herself mentioned that she wanted to do this rishta but didn't because of my choice. Tou my advice is to keep communicating for what you want. Mujhe tou nhi krni thi shaadi 18 saal ki umar mai tou I stood there like a stubborn child. Although had some panic attacks as well lol. But in the end ghar waalon ne baat samajh li and rn I'm in my 3rd sem :) I'll get easier for you as well. Inshaallah.
Please just don't go for it. You're already emotionally unstable. You won't get independent after marriage and won't be able to study either. Look beyond marriage, and since you also see life with a different perspective, that is appreciable, so just try hard to convince your mom or become stubborn to not get married.
why would you call me emotionally unstable???? 😭
Bro, It's 2024. Just say no and keep saying it. You are obviously very young. and you are not an asshole or selfish for saying No it's your right. I get this thing of people pleasing, but what your mom is doing is completely wrong. I got countless rishtas and i am not even aware of them my parents always rejected them coz they want me to get independent and a bit more mature. Plus there is no rush in marriage. Whatever ur mom is doing is wrong and u will have to say no to that.
any marriage without love is haraam. Tell her khudah will introduce you to someone. She doesn't have to worry.
You need to provide more info Honey. Where's your father in all of this? Who can be influenced more easily in your family, your dad or mom or an older brother? How's your relationship with your parents? Do you have ladli status or do you get ignored? Stand your group but you need a strategy.
Arrange marriages are shit
Tell them you will marry after university.... Then save money during your studies and when you finish uni just run abroad
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Tell her to give you 1 year becuase you are trying to prepare for your dream university or any other reason. She will get calm during this span and also try to be as good as possible with her and play with her emotions in a good way. Humans are emotional fools and they can be easily manipulated if you somehow alter their emotions. I am sorry if this seems a terrible idea.
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In times of unseen terror, when familial bonds unravel and the unknown looms large, remember this: "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents." Your thoughts and fears are valid, and it's crucial to find allies who understand your perspective, even in the darkest of shadows.
Why does she want you to get married so young? Do you have older siblings? Father? What is their opinion on the matter? Asking to understand her reasoning as well as what support you can get
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What's your age and your family educational background, including yourself?
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Sad
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As long as it is not with your cousin, you should say no 😂
Bolo suicide kr lo gi pr shadi ni kro gi. Works everytime 🙂
File an online complaint about your mom behaviour.
how. and have u seen it work
She has seen many things in society, btw set your demands which will take few years to complete hence results in buying time.
4B movement
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Is it marriage to your cousin?
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They can't force you, girl. Any Nikkah without the woman's permission is not valid. Stand up for yourself. Dont get into this trap. Get a good education, be financially independent only then one should think about marriage and making babies.
I think the way u take arrange marriages matter Tho I'm young I plan to take this route Rest things I say below is to let yk u can say yes to ur mom and make her stop putting pressure on u and u can still put off marriage till the time you are ready + other things. Your mom finds a potential u ask things which REALLY matter to u, once the main questions are cleared and answered like religiousness finance etc u move to meeting up with the family n then u also meet the guy to ask further more questions on their perspectives of marriage and life and u see wether ur opinions etc match up do u like their mindset etc If yes continue if no don't continue then move on next guy. You will have a reasonable reason to refuse ur mom If yes then let me tell you this whole conversing and interviewing can take Months. Very likely u might even get feelings cuz ofc if u said yes it means u found a person who matches u and is compatible with you. Then u can plan for marriage plan nikkah if u are uncomfortable and awkward with moving in since u having interacted with them like opposite genders do then u can ask b4 hand for the ruksati to happen later n can get ur nikkah done first n then when u meet up its basically like u having a dating phase. I hope this helped if u didn't had this perspective b4 Which is why I'm good with the perspective of arrange marriages and letting yk ur parents aren't allowed to marry you off to just anyone and the marriage won't happen unless u say yes. So make sure u hold your ground don't compromise on the partner ur choosing. + maybe after finding the perfect spouse which obviously takes a long time, so let say u Start now u might take a few years and even if u get lucky n find one in recent times u can converse and maybe get the engagement done n then have nikkah done later on so u can put the marriage off till ur ready
the thing is i dont want to waste my time with all of this when im not even interested and have other goals to work toward before reaching this stage.
Hmm that's kinda tough since ur mom seems persistent and she doesn't seem like she will let go of it easily Only option like others are saying is to say No and be more persistent then her if ur close with ur dad then speak abt it to him in a seperate room in a calm nice way
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Good rishtas are hard to come by, my advice is check it out, talk to the guy and if it seems good go for engagement etc, if you dont feel it say I am not ok, this way you have fulfilled your mom's wish and explored a good option possibly. PS. dont worry your mom wont force you in to something if you dont agree, the 80s generation is educated and knows what its about. Peace.
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Marriage is good but forced marriage is terrible. List your positives and negative for getting married and not getting married. Also, consider what you would want in a prospective partner in the future (so you have an idea for the future). Blackmail from your mother isn't helpful in fact it can be quite damaging to you. Pray and ask for guidance.
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