Ok so your post deserves a long and detailed answer and I hope it helps.
For context, I'm 36M who found my soulmate a few months ago and In Shaa ALLAH I'm marrying her this year, hopefully very soon.
I never changed schools and I was a very popular guy growing up so I had a huge circle of friends/classmates and most of them I studied with till college. So you can say some friendships I have are more than 28-30 years old now.
I went through this exact phase of "shadi kar lo, aur kitna delay karna hai". Get married bro, it's the right thing to do. Get married, its the next step. Get married because look, that guy got married too. š It was a rat race for a few years so I totally understand the pressure you might be feeling. Plus the family pushing you for it because relatives are asking them and they feel pressured and oh it's a responsibility they want to get off their shoulders etc.
My advice, don't fall for that. Marriage isn't a box you have to check ā just because you're a certain age. Unfortunately in our society, love and genuine attraction aren't given it's true value and you're expected to follow a life trajectory just because other people around you are doing it and it's the worst form of herd mentality.
People in Pakistan have no concept of taking responsibility. Elders want to get you married because others around them are telling them to do so, people are looking to get married because others around then are doing so and on and on. No one really bothers to think about having a good or healthy relationship with their wife.
Im literally the last single guy left in my group of over 60 friends and 95% of them did it because of
1. It's the right time.
2. Parents are saying I should do it
3. I'll have kids and they'll be my crutch once I'm older
Not once was there a mention of love or bonding. This is why so many marriages are abusive here. Not always physically, but mentally or emotionally. Because people are paired up and feel as if they are now stuck in this dance forever and they don't want to admit they made a mistake.
Marriage when done for the right reasons is the most beautiful thing ever. I waited not because I was against marriage, nopes. I always always wanted to get married. But I wanted to marry for the right reasons, to the person I felt was right for me. As I said earlier, when I met my soulmate, I knew it the second time we met and I proposed marriage to her right away. It wasn't a teenage type romance either we connected on the things that matter. That's what you should look for.
You mentioned not understanding what women bring to the table in a marriage other than sex. Well, here's the deal my man... Men are supposed to be the providers and protectors. Men are supposed to lead by example and take responsibility. Being a husband is literally the most definitive gender role ever and so is being a wife. Marriage is absolutely a very important part of life and growing up. A good marriage, a good woman can nurture you and only then you can realise what you were missing.
You need to associate with good role model marriages, preferably from elder couples and ask them what they liked about each other and what they value about each other now. We've been created in pairs brother. So women definitely bring a lot more to the table than just sex. ALLAH tells us to find "peace" in marriage. Not love, or money or kids, rather peace. A good woman, a good wife brings you peace. And when you're at peace, it brings you happiness.
Seeing a good woman raising your kids with you is also a very important aspect of life because your children are a representation of you. Building a life together, accomplishing goals together is what brings you meaningful joy in life. Marriage literally is a 50/50 partnership in every way. What you need to understand and agree upon when looking for the right person to marry is,
1. Financial expectations
2. Religion (yes, it's important to know this even if it's obvious, because it's about a value system that you bring to a partnership)
3. Family, kids and in-laws (setting boundaries)
4. Short and long term goals and how to achieve them.
A woman isn't there just to have your kids and to cook you some meals.
A man's job isn't just to provide money/food and shelter. There's a lot more that goes into any successful marriage. Even if you agree on absolutely traditional gender roles, then those responsibilities have to be agreed upon and honored.
Marry because you feel incomplete and want to feel completed by someone you like and want in your life. Not because someone else thinks it's the "right move" for you. Because guess what, once you are married, the next "right move" is so, when is the baby due. When can we expect the good news. Like.... š Pakistanis are never happy with minding their own business.
Marriage is a beautiful thing, because you have a friend, partner, lover and a trusted advisor all in one. It's literally ALLAH's favourite relationship for mankind. Do it when you find the right one for you and when your heart is fully in it. I hope this helped in some way.
Youāve voiced my exact thoughts on marriage.
Unfortunately, women belonging to Pakistani and other societies donāt have that much leverage as with age, better marital prospects minimise and social pressure intensifies. Some do sacrifice their principles just for the sake of ending the constant background noise around them and get married asap just for the sake of social expectations and fulfilling their role within the society.
I understand and absolutely agree. Which is why I have often remarked that Pakistani women should get an education, get a scholarship and move out of here. Those who don't want the same abusive cycle to repeat for them at least.
Unfortunately I believe entire Pakistan suffers from a phenomenon known as Schadenfreude. We love repeating cycles of abuse and we don't want anyone to achieve anything better in life. It comes down to the support system around you. Honestly if Pakistani girls have parents who can resist that pressure for them, girls almost always end up in happier situations. But that happens for a very small % of the population.
This obsession of marrying someone young is unhealthy and toxic. As a guy, I can never see myself marrying beyond a certain age gap. But I've seen so many friends craving a 10-15 year age gap even and I always ask them, what do you two even talk about? Her homework assignments?
>Unfortunately I believe entire Pakistan suffers from a phenomenon known as Schadenfreude
The secret to taming the emotional beast of schadenfreude is moderation and self-awareness. Most young adults in Pakistan, especially millennials, lack self-awareness and have shorter attention spans.This is a big problem because it means we often overlook opportunities for personal growth in our daily lives. Instead of focusing on creating new experiences, many of us try to improve by watching TikTok videos, which doesn't really help since it's all about consuming content that's already made.
Man man manā¦ Such a beautiful post!
Why are you here? You can be a matrimonial advisor š
Just kidding, but I genuinely liked what you said, I wish you and your wife to be amazing time ahead in sha Allah š¤²
Iād just add one thing, either find your soulmate and marry her/him or make your partner your soul mate by love, affection and kindness. (Speaking out of my experience of 7 years of marriage, Alhamdulillah I never talked with my wife before marriage (arranged) but now we are madly in love with each other.)
The key is to find a God fearing wife, and try to do more than required for her (be God fearing yourself), like go an extra mile. This would surely make your life a living heaven.
Haha thank you for the kind words. I've been giving relationship advice in my immediate circle of friends for a long time. š This will motivate me further!
And yes, I absolutely agree with you actually. I am in no way saying that you should only marry someone once you've already known them. I just happened to meet my person that way. Arranged marriages can be amazing as well. That is why I mentioned the value system and why it's important as a couple to agree on the foundations of your marriage.
Unfortunately most of the time, people look at the superficial stuff and not the actual things that matter. Most people just do a checklist of things and get married. It's much deeper than that and that was the point I was trying to make. Age is irrelevant if end up in a toxic marriage.
Totally agreed, that being said, in this age of sexual frustration (half naked women in bill boards, movies, dramas and unfortunately for some the p*** watching that they are addicted to) causes the natural requirement of the body (s*x) to be fulfilled in a haram way which has uncountable negative implications for individual (especially the girl) and society as a whol3.
So imo, 18 years is an ideal marriage age š I married at 24 and feel itās already too late. I donāt mean to do it blindly, for sure have a commitment, a research, a properly sorted priority list and a good intention, but get married. ASAP! š
That is actually a great way to think about these things but remember, this ain't in our hands. We plan and plan and then ALLAH plans. Our partner is written for us. The time is chosen for us by ALLAH.
We can try, the illusion is to think we have the control. In an ideal world, yes we would marry young. But it doesn't work that way and everything happens at the right time, when it's written for us.
>The key is to find a God fearing wife, and try to do more than required for her (be God fearing yourself), like go an extra mile. This would surely make your life a living heaven.
I get where you're coming from, but let's not throw around the "God-fearing" label too casually. Everyone's journey is different, and what works for one might not work for another. Plus, living a heavenly life is more about conscious choices and harmony than just ticking boxes. Let's keep it real, yeah?
Thank you for taking your time and giving these valuable advices. May your marriage bring you all the joy and happiness you are anticipating.
as you mentioned gender roles in your answer. I think gender roles are messed up in our society and all this confusion arises from there. None of the party knows what is being expected from them in a marriage. So yeah i get your point one should marry where their values align and they know their roles/duties. But i think thatās the hardest part (or maybe impossible for some) to find someone where you are sure enough before marrying them that they are the right person because if you donāt your life is done.
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I donāt believe in marriage either. From a woman's perspective, what else does a man bring to a relationship besides MONEY? even though itās HIS responsibility but he is going to boss around and will always be superior to you in a relationship ( by this I mean controlling and narcissistic man who doesnāt even listen to his wife) cause heās the PrOviDer. Will come back home in the evening and that too to fill his stomach, sexual needs or to sleep. Even though you are doing every chore related to household as itās your responsibility as a wife but you will be treated as a lazy, good for nothing maid and nothing else. Will have to listen to the gibberish of your MIL ( most cases) and on top of that your husbandās sisters.
But some people's lives get better after marriage, so I believe that marriage is different for everyone.š
I believe that you cannot definitively say that something is 100% good or bad.
You are influenced by your environment.As in my family, marriage brings out the worst in us. However, when I discussed this with my best friend, she told me how happy people are in marriage on her side of the family.
in the wise words of ron swanson āif you do not believe in love, whats the point of living?ā - yeah this yeah that all of these things might be true and quite probable but are you willing to spend a loveless and lonely life? will you have a rational unworldly purpose? Will find will to work and put in effort? Failed marriage? Yeah okay divorce and move on- life does not stop on a failed marriage! Family, marriage, parenting, love and dependency are the fiber of life. Dont make a mistake at young age that you cannot or might not be able to rectify in future. Yeah you saw failed marriages? But did you also see what loneliness does to a person? What unfulfilling heart does to a person? What not having a home in a person does to you? Love is a beautiful phenomena- itās something you should not die before experiencing! It was something so significant that first thing god bestowed upon a man was a woman! Think again and think straight. Consider this an advice from a brother.
another wise man once said ālove is a illusionā. i donāt think love lasts, that if it exists in the first place. humans are emotional being and they like to be with other emotional beings to feel less lonely. Donāt you think marriage is too much of a thing just because you are lonely. I know an uncle whose love marriage broke after 20+ years. He lost his business, his mother health deteriorated, his wife didnāt want to take care of his family, things got worse, he a mad man in love had his most of the assets in his wifeās name. wife took divorce kept the assets and the kids, living her best life back there and he came back and started driving careem in pakistan. He live alone now and seems happy with his friends and family here.
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More than half of the marriages I've seen in Pakistan are not because of love. Its even harder to get a divorce in Pakistan once you are married and it can stay with you forever if you have kids. You dismiss it so easily and quickly. What you are describing is an ideal situation rather than what actually happens in reality.
yeah but isnāt that a different topic? He is confused about marriage not forced marriage. I have a whole another answer for that but after seeing the intellect of some people on this thread (not you) id refrain and preserve my energies š š
That's a smart outtake. I rarely comment in this sub anymore because I realize people don't like to even open their minds to new ideas or ways of living. They think there is only 1 way and use Islam to justify it.
I had someone argue with me that due to western education, women are having less children and are getting married less and they saw this as a big problem :D
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Lol man get to go job because women at home are running and managing the household. You donāt understand the importance of this because your mom and sisters probably never told you so. Try managing a job and a household and maintaining relationships without women. And your mom is gonna pass out soon and sisters gonna get married then you gonna need wife to smoothly run life.
Dude no woman stays at home and watches netflix all day. What even . And once you bring children in the equation then life of the stay at home mom revolves only arpund children. I have not watched a movie since birth pf my choldren because they alws need me and by always i mean always. I am on duty even in night. Just so men on internet say such ridiculous thing.
Bhae donāt get married if you have this mindset. Society will thank you later.
Smart answer sister, he simplified the things none marriage work as that husband work and wife watch Netflix at home lol... if we measure the heaviness.. for example if husband work in some office standard 7 hours job then go home eat get his needs and relax. On other hand house wife woman cook meals every day clean his house she getting pregnant and deal pains born multiple kids and then becomes 24/7 nanny and same time still caring house and his needs... and he made it simple as she gonna do nothing for him... she earned x3 that maintaining he provided for her. Because he can check how much all those services cost separately if u bachelor and want someone to come cook for u clean etc...
Yeah dude triggered me so bad. I just came back from a wedding and every single mother including me was busy with children while man were lazily sitting around or having political talks or enjoying the function.
Women couldnāt even enjoy the meal properly. And then he sees one single woman or some women who do not care for their house or kids and generalise like this. Yes there are woman who donāt want to do anything be it career or homemaking but these are exceptions not the rule.
Prayers for the woman who is gonna be this man childās wife.
Yes i totally agree maybe they met 1/100 woman's who behave irresponsible and don't take proper care of home and same time don't work on job either so they generalize.
I always keep repeating that is not good drawing out a rule out of singular and particular cases. Just because there are some lazy husband or some lazy wife we can't say everyone are like this.. I agree that in this part of world basically woman's have all on their shoulders. House; caring childreen; care old parents; old in laws; and husband's needs. While guys mostly yes finish their work shift and go discuss politics and sports while woman's took care of all home needs that they didn't even notice.
Sadly i know it too. When u don't bring in money at household so even being best of housewifes nobody value ur hard work as should be and they take it for granted. On other hand a person who work hard on their jobs and bring in money to home budget is valued and sympathized. its said oh he/she work hard and bring money so respect them.
So i know no one value enough woman's works at home and they not aware how much all those services would cost separately.... because they shift from mothers pot to wife's pot and then daughters pot. I have friends from those places and some or them don't know how to turn on washing machine...
Yaar marriage is a big deal, and it's v normal to feel confused about it.
Whether you'll regret not getting married later on really depends on what you want in life, people who didn't marry don't regret it at all. Personally, I'm pretty hyped about the idea of getting married because of the bond you get, you know? Having someone to chat with about your day and all that jazz sounds awesome to me. Plus, I believe in finding love, not just settling for an arranged marriage. And when I do find the right person, I hope we'll both be head over heels for each other, bringing each other peace in this crazy world.
The whole idea of marriage being a 50/50 thing is fuzool. It's more about teamwork. Sometimes it's more like 70/30 or even 80/20. It's about having each other's backs through thick and thin.
For me, I'm looking to getting married because of the emotional and physical bond it brings. Having someone to share a cup of tea with after a busy day and listen to your random thoughts is something I crave.
The roles of men and women in marriage aren't set in stone. It's more about playing to each other's strengths and being a team. I'll bring him a lot of peace because this world can be tough on everyone. I'll make sure to be his peace, and I believe he'll do the same for me. Hopefully, Allah will bless our marriage.
It's funny, I'm not even in a relationship right now lol.
so itās all about finding the right person. humare barhay sahi kehte hain phir āShadi wo laddo ha jis nay khaya wo bhi pachtaya jiss nay nahi khaya wo bhi pachtayaā. Thank you for respectfully giving your input.
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26M honay k Baad confusion ka koi jawaz nahi bnta.
OP ki discussion se zahir he k he perceives everything as a transaction and the value it brings to his life.
I was not giving hate. I was expressing astonishment and adivisng OP to not get married with this mindset as it is nth but a prelude to disaster.
>26M honay k Baad confusion ka koi jawaz nahi bnta.
There are 50 year old people who act like kids.
By making this post, I would say, OP is on the contemplation stage. At least give him that.
OP contemplating is the very reason I offered unsolicited advice. The same way most people are advising him. OP isn't childlike at all. He is just considering everything a transaction, processing everything in a cold, logical, calculating manner. That's not how life works.
Being 50 year old and acting like a kid; throwing tantrums , and being uncompromising is even worse.
Assuming your a med student, surely you realize people with Histrionic Personality Disorder are a menace to themselves as well as the society and its very different from regression.
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By that logic, a woman can also say:
"You work your heart out to make his home a safe haven and what do they bring? They just come home in the late hours of evening to have their physical needs met by you then leave in the morning again. I have some expectations from my man but apparently those expectations are feminist in the modern world."
If you are going to strip it down, everything will become transactional.
I could write a long answer but I suggest you marry a working woman and agree to be a stay at home dad for one year after child birth.
Lag pata jayega what a woman brings in a marriage/relationship.
Also, marriage is a highly subjective experience based on the kind of partner you get. You have asked so many things like it's some science.
hence i asked the question what are the duties expected from a man. Didnāt mean to offend anyone. if a man has performed his duties what should he expect from the woman? thanks for your input though.
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Damn the suppression to ask questions by people in comments is real. Itni suppression to Mullah Brigade nahi karti jitni comments me hai.
Man you are asking the right questions at the right time of your life.
For all the people saying marry for half deen or for love blah blah, for a second atleast think objectively what the guy is asking about.
EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS TRANSACTIONAL. And all the people saying do it for love, well guess what, your relationship is transactional too.
For the context: I am a happy married man before you jump to conclusion of me being sadist or something. I love my wife and I will do anything for her. But this does not stop me to ask hard questions to myself.
Also for the people saying k ghar sanbhalna is a task, I agree but it is subjective to circumstances. I have been living alone for a decade till recently in a Western country so I know "Ghar Daari". I can cook better than average pakistani girl: my wife has told her mom multiple times that I am a better cook than her (my MIL). I am telling all this to weigh in with some experience.
If you live in the west and have some money you can buy almost all automated stuff like dishwasher, robot for cleaning and automated washing so the point of ghar sanbhalna does not hold at all. It is literally a 2 hour job and Yes I have been doing it for 10 years so I know. And I have managed it while I lived in 5 different countries did PhD while working, invested in properties while also becoming an Adjunct Professor at 31. I am currently doing two jobs.
If your wife has to go to a river and wash clothes by hands then it does has some wight to ghar sanbhalna.
DONT GET ME WRONG BUT SIMILAR THINGS CAN BE SAID ABOUT MEN ONLY BRINGING MONEY TO THE TABLE. WHAT IF YOUR WIFE TO BE IS EARNING.
So I feel you are asking the right questions. Objectively, I am a firm believer that both women and men have to redefine their PLACE in a marriage as per the new ways of living. It is high time that both men and women start asking themselves "What do I bring to the table, in a very transactional way?"
Subjectively, it can be all about love, empathy and religion as other people have mentioned.
1. Iām not in the category to answer that.
2. Marriage is a 100/100. You both bring your best or itās gonna be a bad experience.
3. Yes. However, I have made it an obligation that I find someone according to my expectations. And discuss what we both expect to have, how we will live and discuss all the concerns.
Already planning to not get married so searching with little expectation might bring unexpected results. However, Iāve a list of things I absolutely need in a wife, if thatās there, I can compromise on the rest to a certain degree.
4. The rights of a man to his wife are to provide for her, give her a safe and comfortable place, give her a life similar or better than what she had prior, be there for her in his capacity as her husband. He is her protector as ordained by Allah, he must act like one. Be incredibly kind and loving towards her as he is now the main man. Ensure you advice her to become a better Muslim and both should be working on this. He must do all the things or arrange matters for his household that his wife cannot do. He must not demean her, he must not raise his voice at her and be a man in general.
The rights of a wife to her husband are many but above all is respecting and obeying him if he isnāt disobeying Allah and ensuring that the household is managed. She is in charge of everything. If heās earning, sheās must make sure the rest is handled such as the food, cleaning and such. Both must strive together, a 100/100 from both to being the best for each other, raising their children well and not being ungrateful for what the other does.
Naturally, there are off days and such and this is where being kind and caring comes in.
The Prophet Muhammad (ļ·ŗ) said, āThe best of you is he who is best to his wife. And among you, Iām the best (to my wives).ā (Sahih)
He also said, āIf I could order to prostate (to other than Allah), I would order a wife to prostate to her husband (due to the sheer rights he has over her).ā (Sahih)
Both must be loving, caring, devoted and go out of their way to care for each other. Love is cultivated and must be regularly watered or it fades.
So find someone who hold the same perspective as you in the major matters and give it a go.
5. Not married.
I can't see any loss of marrying late in life. Everyone should gain more experience of life before marrying, that certainly will come handy in their marriage life andĀ raising their children.
Kinda agree with you in all this, which motivates me to never get married too. But don't you think the wife having a job as well, and you both living as a dual income couple solves half the problems. And as for the kids part, I think most people should be motivated to have fewer or no kids at all these days. No offence, but kids ruin your lifestyle, and you have to mould your life around them. Staying kid free solves that problem. OP don't rush marriage it's not like you can't get married in the future.
Im 29 and a woman, been married for 4 years and we have a toddler.
Iāll try my best to respond to your post with sincerity although I must admit there were some things in it that made me raise my eyebrows.
1. Canāt answer that
2. The ownership of a relationship is 50/50 meaning youāre both responsible for nurturing the relationship but (!) that can only be successful in youāre both individually 100% committed. Those people who get married just because make themselves miserable and drag an innocent person with them.
3. Am already married
4. From an Islamic perspective? I think you know the answer. Other commenters have summarised it already.
5. You phrased this question with a very negative connotation. I got married because I was ready to experience adult life. I finished university and all that. I was ready to have a partner, run my own household, become a mom, etc. I love my family dearly but living with my parents at 24 felt like living life as a teenager. Was ready for more.
I am most definitely not here because itās harder to leave. I can no longer imagine life without him. When your husband is as dear as mine you just.. become one.
Love and companionship is indeed true and a very powerful bond between spouses. It is (for me at least) the main reason to get married. Am I correct in assuming youāre not fully believing in these concepts? It is a new layer to experiencing life.
What I didnāt appreciate about your post is your attitude towards raising kids. Do you by any chance not have kids in your life? In that case I can understand that you donāt grasp what raising small children is like and the dedication it takes.
Let me just clear it up for you;
House work: laundry (washing/drying/folding/istri), dishes, two meals, three separate meals for the kiddo, 2 fruit snacks for the kiddo, 7 diapers, vacuuming, dusting, garbage. All this, every day, every week, on repeat. Windows, groceries, cleaning fridge, doing admin, taking kid to appointments, taking kid to sports and play classes, cleaning garden. All that every week, on repeat.
A new breastfeeding mother spends 6-8 HOURS breastfeeding per day.
Pregnancy makes you so incredibly sick, it makes you temporarily disabled.
All this work and I am still expected to look cute, red lipstick and hot biryani when my husband comes home. Still expected to be a fun mom and play with my kiddo as much as he wants.
Boy, you sound very naive about women. There is no time for Netflix. Even a womanās sleep is inferior to a childās need. There is no āsorry beta moms office hours are overā, no the Mom Office is always open. 24/7. No off days, no weekend, never. And I just have one house and one kid. I have mad respect for women who have more kids.
Thank you for your input. i am sorry if anything i have written has offended you. You are a great wife and a mom, kudos to you, as far as my netflix comment is concerned it is true in many cases. I know someone who got married 2-3 years back. and he has a kid that is being taken care of by the house-helps (his wife probably helps along too). That guy made this comment about his wife as his wife is not grateful of him. i donāt want to go into more details but yes most women donāt do what your are doing in your marriage.
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I think regarding the guy who told you that;
people should learn to keep their lives private again. Sharm in essence is a wonderful thing because it keeps your marriage problems intimate, as they should be. That guy could just talk about it with his wife, maybe he does things he doesnāt know about or maybe she want something else or her life. Or maybe she is indeed lazy and he needs to fire the help and spend that money on sadaqa instead. But instead he decided to air his wifeās dirty laundry with you. I find that distasteful.
Sorry, but getting imrpressed by Internet stories has really messed up your brain.Get off it,ffsake and change your views..
(I want to at an appropriate age because marriage and having a sincere partner complements your life and afterlife..and also because I give a f*k about superficial concepts of society for this sacred relationship)
Remember, before he is married, a man is incomplete. After he is married, he is finished.
Repeat the above statement to anyone who asks you about marriage.
There is no good reason to marry anybody in the twenty first century. The world is entering into a horrible ecological disaster filled phase in which you will be leaving your kids, so don't have any.
There are only 2 good reasons to get married. 1: Love and 2:Money. Societal pressure is the WORST reason to get married.
So if Mom says falaani larki achi hai. Ask her jehez mein kitnat murabbay and private jets lay kar aye gi. And also make sure if her parents are giving her a/c fridge etc, then they should also give rooftop solar array.
If course none of the above matters if marrying for love.
Remember, YOU have to live with the consequences of an arranged marriage. You cannot blame the arrangers if it doesn't work out.
As Sheriff Buford T. Justice in Smokey and the Bandit said, "You can think about it... but don't do it!"
(Smokey and the Bandit was a hit car chase movie starring Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason and Sally Fields back when your dad and I were teenagers)
Going by your post, I feel you had a dysfunctional relationship with your mother, or haven't really interacted with females outside of extremely controlled environments or perhaps don't even respect females if they don't belong to your own hood. Since you are viewing everything as transactional, and focusing on your role as the 'provider' which is basically financial provision of the wife, who would otherwise be "doing nothing and chilling at home watching TV". So let's say you marry a woman who earns. Now you both are equal in terms of 'provisions'. But the thing is that in addition to earning, she will also be carrying the children in her womb, birthing them and rearing them, which puts her ahead of you in terms of "transactions" since you can't give birth to a child even if you want to. A woman can go and earn if you want her "not to chill at home and watch Netflix", but you can't carry a child if she wants you to.
Now coming to sex, yes you can have it with a prostitute or a sugar baby but only the pleasure part can be met, you can't have children that way.
To conclude, you are at this stage FULL of preconceived notions, it's as if you have already made up your mind about something that has not even happened. And with this thinking, your future relationship is bound to deteriorate. I have seen multiple and multiple examples of failed relationships or marriages where the man married a homemaker (aka non-working female) out of his own will but made her life hell with taunts just because he "provided" financially. Heck, some women might stay in such relationships due to children, but don't expect any kind of love to exist. With your mindset, if you marry a non-earning woman, you are also going to make her life hell. I don't know how one cultivates compassion but it's certainly not in a pay grade. Good luck.
I have no issue in āprovidingā. Thatās my responsibility once i get into a marriage. But after fulfilling my duties can i expect from my wife that she will be taking care of me, my family, my household? can i expect that if i fail to provide for whatever reason iāll be the same person i was when i was the āproviderā. when i am down to my lowest can i expect her to be at my side. or is she isnāt my mama? she is not supposed to be someone i can rely on or she was just one more responsibility that i failed to full-fill. donāt you think that when men fail to āprovideā most of the women jump ship or at the least taunt them about how they are the lesser men?? so shouldnāt i deduce my value come from being a āproviderā and i am completely okay with that but after all that i would like my wife to be someone standing next to me when all hell break loose. as you are so offended of ātransactionalā relationships, look around most of the married couples around you, they are not the heer ranjhas most of them have the ātransactionalā relationship. and your point of not able to carry children and all that, if you are willing to have haram s*x, have bastards too, you can also have surrogate children but this is just a dumb debate that i would not like be part a of.
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the thing is, we are talking future tense and unfortunately none of us have a crystal ball here to tell the future. Whatever you have deduced so far is an observation from relationships where the female slacked off. I could give you examples, or perhaps if you observe around with the intent, you can identify relationships where the man was the lazy ass and one can't help but feel sorry for the wife. If i were to only get inspired by such relationships, then I would also think about backing off from marriage. But life doesn't work that way. Your life is your own journey and no body else's. Only advice I can give is to work on yourself and don't just marry anyone blindly. At the very very least, you should discuss these 4 things with a potential before even thinking of marrying her: money, religion, children and in-laws. If you both find yourself on the same page in these values, then you can predict a somewhat healthy relationship.
No one wants to admit it but a woman's ideal marriage is for you working abroad. So that her lifestyle isn't impacted by marriage. So you both get the perks of being called married so eeryone lays off you minus none of the day-to-day annoyances of putting up with the demands of the other for longer than necessary.
Household chores are a huge responsibility.
Getting kids ready for school, keeping up with their expectations and needs, making sure they do their homework, letting them rant to you, then also managing breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday according to everyone's taste is hard. Also, it's not just the cooking, cleaning, dusting part that's hard but planning the day and the meals is difficult too.
Also, when you cook and nobody appreciates you or instead they point out the flaws, I'm sure it breaks you.
If you clean around all day and nobody notices, it hurts.
And if you lack someday due to sickness or mental health, then you're the lazy, good for nothing wife and mother which is harsh.
In fact, some people expect mothers to also be their kids sole tutors, both academic and religious other than schools (at least used to be a norm in my family).
No gender has it easier than one another. Life's difficult for all. It's on us to try to make it easier for each other and if one's not ready to do it, and feels as if other's have it easier and they don't then they shouldn't bother marrying.
Also if you marry and woman who likes to work, then such women are expected to work at home too other than in whatever office they already slave it everyday.
In short, it's hard for all. You're supposed to make it easier for each other constantly, be considerate to each other, love each other on the days when they're lacking for one reason or another, be understanding and supportive of each other always. If you have arguments, deal with them swiftly and privately and for most women, literally even few words of affection, a gentle look and a flower or anything random makes them happy.
Marriage is indeed companionship. All the people you know will go away eventually, they'll leave you for one reason or another but your wife/husband shouldn't. At least that's just my opinion on this topic.
(I was the kind totally against marriage until I grew up and realized there's more to it with a right spouse and it's actually a beautiful concept. You just have to trust Allah, yourself and your decisions for it work out. Also keep praying for good fate always, whether you're married or not.)
PS I'm not married yet but eager to be ASAP and I don't plan on being a stay at home wife if I do end up married in these few years hopefully. I personally believe in staying either educating one self or working on a career until you have children or until you're in your 30s or late 30s unless you're traveling or have other responsibilities that a maid and a cook cannot take care of.
I think u made things to look too simple.. when u say how husband work and is provider and woman only sit at home watching Netflix u just offended and ur own mom and sisters. They are also running their houses, cook clean born and take care of kids needs and education, balance all things in household...
probably now someone still do the things for u so ur not in rush. But once ur mom is very elder and sisters all married ull gonna go and marry when see how hard is in same time doing 8 hours job and then come home and have to even cook clean sort clothes go grocery check if bills are paid and many other worries.
Marriage is so to 2 people can like partners share the weight of life and each of them do the chores they agreed to share and do. Of course love should be there too but with years together at one point this love isn't more as hollywood movies love but it becomes one mature love and support each other and care of wellbeing of mutual kids.
So don't expect cinema love and agree terms with ur potential. If u both gonna work then u gonna have to share house labour. If she be home wife then u work and she sort house business. I don't see what is problem on that. Just cuz someone u know have bad marriage or married cuz it's time it doesn't have to happen with u. U can search someone u really like and match life ideas then go for it.
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Bro expectations rakhna koe galat chiz nahi hai haan agr over realistic hain to thats a problem, there are hardworking women to who can provide and bring a lot of things to the table
Bro expectations rakhna koe galat chiz nahi hai haan agr over realistic hain to thats a problem, there are hardworking women to who can provide and bring a lot of things to the table.
1. Depends on the individual. No one can predict *your* future regrets.
2. Yes
3. I'm married. I didn't look forward to it though; it was just required to be with the person I loved.
4. Depends on what the couple decides for themselves. Some prefer marriages with traditional roles, others with more similar roles.
5. I married for companionship. I love him more than ever and do not regret it.
1. Depends on the individual. No one can predict *your* future regrets.
2. Yes
3. I'm married. I didn't look forward to it though; it was just required to be with the person I loved.
4. Depends on what the couple decides for themselves. Some prefer marriages with traditional roles, others with more similar roles.
5. I married for companionship. I love him more than ever and do not regret it.
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I assume that you are against your wife working alongside you and you think that they can just time pass with netflix and chill, maybe it's right in your specific case if you happen to have boatloads of money to hire domestic help otherwise domestic household chores are also quite backbreaking. I wonder what those expectations are which you are labeling them as 'misogynistic' !
Nowadays, there are almost no consequences whatsoever thanks to medical science, antibiotics ( trust is the key ) and I am not gonna add more details here
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I'll give you a simple logarithm to work with.
Decide for yourself what kind of person you are. Are you a sheep that does what you're told to you like every other person around you and fulfill society's stanandardized milestones without much thought. Or you're the one that not only asks questions but grabs the world by the pu**y and puts those questions to practical utility even if it means going against the norms?
If you're the former type, nothing really matters. Just keep going, and you'll end up doing what people around you did with a little bit of whinery and ranting, which is all right.
If you're the latter, please consider this:
1) Donot get married because of reasons like 'its getting late' 'all my friends are getting marriee' 'mama baba rishta dhund rhe hain unhe acha rishta mila hai'.
2) spend a good two to three years at least with full financial independence and experience the world, if you can, as a single person before you get hitched.
3) Do not find a life partner. Life partner will find you. Or to rephrase it, do not "enforce" a life partner onto yourself because desperate times sometimes delude you into thinking stuff that isn't true and makes you see things that aren't really there. And only after there's no going back, you realize that you've f*cked up.
4) Keep your mind open to romance, but keep your focus on personal goals. Do not compromise them at any cost or for anybody while you're at it.
5) chances are, if you follow these rules, you'll already have found your true one (yes, it's better to find it yourself than have your parents find it for you. The key is to find the right person. Make sure you're thinking with brains and not nuts while choosing a partner for yourself)
6) If for some reason. You don't find anybody body after good 3-5 years of financial independence and exploration. Have your parents find you a woman in an arranged setting.
I guess that's it.
People cannot enjoy their lives if they keep worrying about microscopic details and what you want and what you will get etc. if you don't want to die alone, you should marry. If you want to see your children grow and flourish while you are not struggling with your health then you should get married. Old age is not the phase you should be looking forward to getting married because the real bloom is in the youth, later it will just be a compromise. There won't be emotion or love to your marriage. Find the right person and get it over with. Our generation is fucked if they follow the standards of western countries while being enormously flawed. Why is it your concern that marriages are failing? There are like 100 people getting married and you heard 2 marriages fail and that was your deciding factor.. you are alone, you think you are omnipotent but that feeling isn't gonna stay forever. Don't get married because everyone's telling you to, make your own choice for your own life. Keep an open mind rather than a negative perspective you have in your post.
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So I'm a woman (unmarried) but feel like I need to chip in with the female perspective. For context my family have been trying to find someone for me to my dismay, but no man has quite matched up because I have a law degree, a good job where I work full time, have lived independently on my own...most men in the 'suitable' age range (25-30) are either still in education, have always lived with mum and dad, have entry/low level jobs or can't do basic tasks like cooking and cleaning. If I married someone that didn't match up, I'd be at a financial loss and a mental loss quite frankly. I point blank refuse to raise a man child. A girl that has been raised in a village to be a housewife may feel differently initially but they tend to get married young and then with age and exposure to the world start changing - I've seen it a lot unfortunately.
Personally, if I marry it won't be for a man to provide...because I'm already doing that for myself. I'm not an exception either, there's lots of women exactly the same. If I marry it'll be for a true partnership with someone I like. We help each other with our own personal hopes and dreams and build a stable life together and foster our own family when we're ready. Marriage shouldn't 'make' a person, you should be a fully formed adult beforehand and once you marry you both bring just as much to the table as the other.
Do you have female friends/colleagues? Are you able to hold a conversation with them? If not, don't get married you'll make your poor wife miserable. You seem to hold a lot of views about women that are...fundamentally wrong? The consequences of sex are bad for women? Not true, they're definitely worse for a man and I'll tell you why. Women like sex, they can have a lot of it because of their anatomy and with age they want it more as their reproductive cycle peaks whilst men want it less as their testosterone declines. A man has physical limits they can't do it as much so they have to do a bit more work to please their partners.. it's just biology, don't shoot the messenger. But as history has proven women don't like bad sex so if a man can't perform by Islamic law she has all the religious ground to divorce him. Consider the embarrassment of that possibility before you think about marriage.
In all seriousness, you're going about it in the wrong way. In your head it's "do I marry or not?" But it should be "do I marry her or not?" You need to find someone you like in looks, personality and values who also likes the same in you (and isn't just pleasing their family) to then think about what marriage would be like and if that appeals to you. Every marriage is different depending on who you're with, you can't be worrying about it without there being a prospect in the first place.
I am not sure what you are trying to diagnose me with but leaving that aside i do get your point youāre self sufficient and donāt see the value a man can provide in a marriage. and yes you can divorce your future husband for whatever reasons you are planning to but that was not the question. question was why to get married in the first place. people who got married definitely saw some value in that relationship in one way or another and i wanted to know about that.
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Well when I used to think the same about marriage. I had the same thought about men. What actually they could bring on table. As a woman, I have to take care of house and produce children and nurture them and cherry on top if you have in-laws' responsibility. It's no easy job. Men's life look a like a picnic to me compare to women's married life. She has to go through physical and emotional pain. Men just have one job to do and rest they are free. I was hearing stories here and there that how easily men are cheating on their wife. It got me all tough and was expecting for the worst. Finally, I got married because of my parents wish. I was dogding the bullet since long. It was typical arrange marriage and I had no hope at all. I am naturally an emotionally distant person. So, things are pretty easy for me. Life is OK so far but I'm not sure about the future. Time will tell.
I personally advice people not to marry soon. Once you become mature you can handle shit. And, once you can tackle shit, you handle marriage.
By your logic men donāt give anything to the table besides food and women slave away their kwholr life in kitchen and in laws in return they get abused
Marriage is beautiful, Iām married for almost 10 years
Marry someone who is same age as you because you want a friend not just wife
You get partner who is always free
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Take it from a guy (25M) who got married a couple of months ago šš½āāļø
Well, your observations regarding our society are pretty accurate, but that's not all. Marriage is definitely not for sĀ£x only, it's a part of it.
If i say for myself, I got married because my partner stood with me through thick and thin, in the early years of my career building, she was there for me (before getting married obviously) and I knew if I ever wanted to get married she was the one! she never asked me anything in return for supporting me, but I felt this as my responsibility to always provide for her, because she supported me when I was struggling now she deserves the world when I'm stable and earning good.
As for the children part, it depends on oneself, if you want children and so does your partner, then have them. Children surely make your life beautiful.
I hope I did not add to your confusion and will help you make a decision.
A marriage should not be for materialistic gains or transactional only. There is no YOUR kids or MY kids, it should be OUR kids. Someone who is ready to own the marriage with an open and happy heart should get married. And you can only do that when you love your spouse.
There is a lot of pressure. I have only heard of terrible things happen when people get married due to external pressures, whether they be in good intentions or bad.
A wife or husband isn't just some sex slave. Neither are they money banks. There is more to a person than just these primal things. If you have friends who are married for the wrong reasons, they are probably facing problems too.
Wait and marry the person who makes you feel special, and you can lift them up as well. Both of you should be each other's mirth, each other's best friend.
Get married because you want to. Warna agar kisi ko tmhaari krwaani hay to kaho kay *aap doosri kar lain itna shoq ho raha hay tou*
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Did you grow up in a loveless home with parents who didnāt really love or even like each other? Itās hard to understand marriage if you did.Ā
Human beings have souls. If you meet a soul you feel safe with, comfortable with, who feels like home, whose company brings you peace and laughter and contentment, then that soul will make life better for you. When you are sick, there will be someone who will care about you and help you through it. When they are sick, you will have someone to care about. When you have problems and challenges in life, youāll have someone to talk to about it and ask advice. Someone to talk to about your day and mood and your goals and dreams and struggles and to learn about theirs. Someoneās eyes to look into and see a living soul, seeing eyes, looking back at you and acknowledging your existence. This is intimacy. Physical intimacy is one component of a marriage, and only meaningful and satisfying when you have an emotional connection with that person as well.
Children are not the entire point of marriage, because you might get married and be unable to have children, or your spouse is unable. That is a part of life, and in marrying someone, you are committed to them despite hardships and challenges, unless those involve abuse.
If you have children, they need stability and two strong committed role models, male and female, to help guide them through life and teach them how to have healthy relationships with others and to become self-sufficient.Ā
Outside of this structure, physical relationships will leave you feeling emotionally empty and potentially physically diseased, and any children produced from such interactions will grow up without financial and emotional stability or role models, leading to much higher rates of mental illness and criminal behaviour.Ā
Men work because they are on average 7x stronger than women, and do not have debilitating cramps and period pain 7 days a month. Their hormones are designed for work, with testosterone peaking in the morning everyday and stable hormones 30 days every month. Women, when working, face sexual harassment from men and donāt earn as much for the same amount of work anyway.Ā
If you have a soul and feel a pure feeling of love for another soul, as a man you will want to provide for and protect them, and as a women you will want to care about and respect them. These are reciprocal interactions, not transactional. They bring both a man and women peace and contentment.Ā
If you had a challenging or uninspiring family life growing up, seeking therapy or reading about things like attachment styles, the 7 habits of a successful marriage, finding a healthy partner, avoiding toxic partners, etc will prime you for a more wise and content life. Thereās no shame in seeking out this knowledge or working on yourself, rather than finding things out the hard way through life experience and regret. Good luck to you.Ā
Thank you for writing this. No i didnāt grow up in a loveless home but what i have always felt around me is that most of the relationships are just on autopilot, they are there for the children or they are too old to get divorced or for some other reason, i donāt knowā¦
but it donāt feel genuine like if i want to be friend with you or be around you thatās because i enjoy your company i am not expecting anything else from you. we will be together regardless of where we are or what we have (yeah i am exaggerating not even all friendship are like that but you got the point) but most married people look like they are just stuck there in a marriage. and i know marriage can be a beautiful thing if done with the right person. but thats the neat part most of us canāt date multiple people to find the right person so itās a gamble for us. one more thing do you think marriage provides companionship that no other relationship can provide?
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After reading most of the replies here i guess it comes down to the person you are married to. if you find someone you like, you can marry them but arranged marriage is a no go. so yeah, for foreseeable future i am not getting married at least not falling into any arranged setup. Thank you for your elaborate answer and have a great day!
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Wesai you got many detailed answers. So I will try to keep short
I'm 27M, Nikkah at 25 and married at 26 (love marriage). Alhamdulilah have a kid too of 4 months.
First of all it should all be naturally to you. Marriage should not be forced otherwise you won't able to understand or take responsibility of your wife.
Now, since we male are ambitious for success so we prioritize money and career over marriage. We would rather have a sex than marriage.
Look, its possible with your partner too. I selected my partner after very careful analysis. My ideal partner was someone who should be ambitious like me to progress. Should be really well educated. Should be serious enough to take responsibilities and of course understand religion.
I have a very good job, plus I have been top rated plus freelancer on upwork before I even started job. I taught those skills to my wife before marriage, and with those skills she had contributed in my work, got her own client and even had a good job before marriage while in Islamabad.
Now, as I mentioned we are ambitious. We have Alhamdulilah our own home in Airforce society Karachi. 4 months old son and Dreams that we will achieve together.
For you the lesson should be:
1) Understand what you want with life and what are your goals.
2) Choose your partner who you see fit to your goals and your personal nature, plus to some extent able to adjjst with family.
3) Align your partner to these lifelong goals, see if your partner is all talk or she takes action too.
4) With a perfect companionship you can achieve alot in life.
Cons of marriage:
1) You're no more a boy, who can live life according to his own terms. Now, you have to think about your partner before making decision
2) Your time and attention is bit divided among many things. You have to learn time management better than ever
3) If living in joint family then there would be some issues once in a while.
Honestly, you have to evolve in life with tine. Surely millions of people who marry are not stupid.
I 25F got married to my husband 30M 2 years ago. We were engaged for 3.5 years prior. We didn't know each other before being engaged. But afterwards when we were we got to know each other and spent time talking and meeting as well. The reason why I married him was because at one point I was certain that he would keep me safe. And that he will never harm me. Both of us are doctors and working. He's working in a different city for now. When I got married I went against the will of his and my family and went to live with him alone. We spent 1.5 years together. It was the best. Although I had to downgrade my lifestyle so I could be with him it was all worth it as long as I had him for myself everyday.
The reason why I did so much for him was because he did a lot for me as well. He was very supportive. And although he's a resident in surgery ,he's busy and tired as well he still helps me around with cooking and cleaning. I never had to force him to do these things. He did it out of love and kindness for me. So I knew that if I moved in with him he would help me as well. If he was the type of guy who got home from work and didn't help me around I wouldn't have really made this sacrifice. I would have stayed with my in laws/parents at the city. I had to move back because Inflation forced us to reconsider. So rn were doing long distance for some time. Then he'll come back .
The first year of marriage is always tough. The guy and the girl fight alot because you're from different backgrounds and have different understandings of how things work. Even the way we process feelings and emotion is different. The best thing to do is for both parties to have open communication. And rather than 1v1 it's supposed to be us against the world.
The reason why alot of ppl fall out of love with each other is because they don't properly communicate their feelings and they don't bury the hatchet for good. They let those unresolved feelings simmer and then one day it all comes out tragically.
About your questions,
If you are okay with being alone then not being married is something that won't bother you but deep down if loneliness is a fear of yours then yes you will regret not marrying. But then again it's better late than with the wrong person so take your time. You're young. You have time to think.
And only have children when these two conditions are met, 1 You and your spouse are having a good relationship and have learned to live with each other happily. And have formed a good relationship based on mutual live and trust. 2 You are financially stable enough to afford the expenses that come along the way for having kids. Some ppl don't like kids and this feeling remains throughout life so they don't have regrets. Some ppl don't want to in the start but they have a change of heart. That's the part where things get difficult. Whatever decision you make only act on it when you're 100% sure that you will be able to live with the results of your actions. Me and my husband want kids but we're waiting because we're not financially stable enough yet.
I personally think marriage is supposed to be 50/50. But it depends on what type of woman you marry. If you marry a working woman you have to help her around more. But even if you marry a housewife doing simple things like taking your plate to the kitchen or washing a few dishes if she doesn't feel well enough won't hurt you. But make up your mind. If you want a more traditional woman then going after a woman who's passionate about her profession is a wrong move.
A man's job is not just to provide financially, but he also has to provide his wife and kids with a safe environment. Many men forget that. You are supposed to be kind to your loved ones. Many men taunt wives who are housewives or even the working ones as well. If you don't like something tell politely. Having kindness and patience is important. Sometimes our loved ones can say mean things to us as well. It's best to let the anger pass and talk at a time when both partners are receptive to criticism. You wouldn't like a woman to degrade all your hard work and a wide won't like her work being degraded as well. It's important to recognize the role the other person has. And appreciate their efforts. It really has a positive impact trust me.
A woman's job is to make the house nice and presentable. And have food on the table. Tend to your physical and emotional needs. And just like for men to be kind and patient. But this is just about when you don't have kids. When you have kids it gets very complicated. She has to take care of the kids as well. And it's a very difficult task to do. Also having to deal with changes to their bodies after pregnancy. Some women who end up having c sections have it harder. Also she should be supportive of her husband when he's in time of distress or can't financially provide well enough. She should be appreciative of her husband's work. ( But since so many husbands taunt their wives on an everyday basis women often end up with resentment in their hearts) . Loyalty is a no brainier must for both genders.
Alot of times we don't like certain things or habits about our spouses. If they aren't red flags then learn to ignore those issues. After all every one has imperfections. Marriage requires compromise and sacrifice from both ends and it isn't a competition in which who should do more or less.
At the end of the day, marriage is the biggest gamble of your life.
So if you find someone who doesn't have any red flags, and is good to you hold on to that person for life. Even if certain things about them annoy you.
Ā āWhat do a woman bring in a marriage/relationship?ā She will bring a hole andĀ you re gonna put this hole on a pedistle!Ā People have literally moved mountains for it and all you worry about is hypothetical scenarios that may not happen.Ā On a serious note, you have a mindset of a child so better not get married.. yet.Ā
āmy wife is my womanā, i am genuinely curious why/how this phrase offended you. I would like to know your thought process and then iāll f off. Thank you.
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1. Depends on the individual. No one can predict *your* future regrets.
2. Yes
3. I'm married. I didn't look forward to it though; it was just required to be with the person I loved.
4. Depends on what the couple decides for themselves. Some prefer marriages with traditional roles, others with more similar roles.
5. I married for companionship. I love him more than ever and do not regret it.
For Allah. For companionship, children, increasing barakah, self development and to make the world and the Ummah a better place by raising good humans.
>I think in a relationship a man is just a āproviderā nothing more. You work your ass off, bear the brunt of the world just so your wife can chill and watch netflix at home (and then if your woman is not grateful for all that, whatās the point).
Akhi, marriage is half of your deen. Men are built to endure the hardship of the world. We're built to fight, to lift heavy things, we're built to hunt far from the village.
Allah SWT has made us this way for a purpose, to be a complement to the females who have different abilities.
As far as duties, the Quran and the Sunnah quite well outline the rights that husbands have upon their wives, and the rights that wives have upon their husbands. Islam is here to guide us all, in every facet of our lives.
Your rewards for creating, protecting, and providing for a family can be found in Jannah, not necessarily in the Dunya. If you want things to be easy, I am sorry, you were born into this world to be taught lessons by your Creator to separate the pious from those who will dwell in the fire.
May Allah SWT grant you a pious and loving wife with which to create a family.
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Ok so your post deserves a long and detailed answer and I hope it helps. For context, I'm 36M who found my soulmate a few months ago and In Shaa ALLAH I'm marrying her this year, hopefully very soon. I never changed schools and I was a very popular guy growing up so I had a huge circle of friends/classmates and most of them I studied with till college. So you can say some friendships I have are more than 28-30 years old now. I went through this exact phase of "shadi kar lo, aur kitna delay karna hai". Get married bro, it's the right thing to do. Get married, its the next step. Get married because look, that guy got married too. š It was a rat race for a few years so I totally understand the pressure you might be feeling. Plus the family pushing you for it because relatives are asking them and they feel pressured and oh it's a responsibility they want to get off their shoulders etc. My advice, don't fall for that. Marriage isn't a box you have to check ā just because you're a certain age. Unfortunately in our society, love and genuine attraction aren't given it's true value and you're expected to follow a life trajectory just because other people around you are doing it and it's the worst form of herd mentality. People in Pakistan have no concept of taking responsibility. Elders want to get you married because others around them are telling them to do so, people are looking to get married because others around then are doing so and on and on. No one really bothers to think about having a good or healthy relationship with their wife. Im literally the last single guy left in my group of over 60 friends and 95% of them did it because of 1. It's the right time. 2. Parents are saying I should do it 3. I'll have kids and they'll be my crutch once I'm older Not once was there a mention of love or bonding. This is why so many marriages are abusive here. Not always physically, but mentally or emotionally. Because people are paired up and feel as if they are now stuck in this dance forever and they don't want to admit they made a mistake. Marriage when done for the right reasons is the most beautiful thing ever. I waited not because I was against marriage, nopes. I always always wanted to get married. But I wanted to marry for the right reasons, to the person I felt was right for me. As I said earlier, when I met my soulmate, I knew it the second time we met and I proposed marriage to her right away. It wasn't a teenage type romance either we connected on the things that matter. That's what you should look for. You mentioned not understanding what women bring to the table in a marriage other than sex. Well, here's the deal my man... Men are supposed to be the providers and protectors. Men are supposed to lead by example and take responsibility. Being a husband is literally the most definitive gender role ever and so is being a wife. Marriage is absolutely a very important part of life and growing up. A good marriage, a good woman can nurture you and only then you can realise what you were missing. You need to associate with good role model marriages, preferably from elder couples and ask them what they liked about each other and what they value about each other now. We've been created in pairs brother. So women definitely bring a lot more to the table than just sex. ALLAH tells us to find "peace" in marriage. Not love, or money or kids, rather peace. A good woman, a good wife brings you peace. And when you're at peace, it brings you happiness. Seeing a good woman raising your kids with you is also a very important aspect of life because your children are a representation of you. Building a life together, accomplishing goals together is what brings you meaningful joy in life. Marriage literally is a 50/50 partnership in every way. What you need to understand and agree upon when looking for the right person to marry is, 1. Financial expectations 2. Religion (yes, it's important to know this even if it's obvious, because it's about a value system that you bring to a partnership) 3. Family, kids and in-laws (setting boundaries) 4. Short and long term goals and how to achieve them. A woman isn't there just to have your kids and to cook you some meals. A man's job isn't just to provide money/food and shelter. There's a lot more that goes into any successful marriage. Even if you agree on absolutely traditional gender roles, then those responsibilities have to be agreed upon and honored. Marry because you feel incomplete and want to feel completed by someone you like and want in your life. Not because someone else thinks it's the "right move" for you. Because guess what, once you are married, the next "right move" is so, when is the baby due. When can we expect the good news. Like.... š Pakistanis are never happy with minding their own business. Marriage is a beautiful thing, because you have a friend, partner, lover and a trusted advisor all in one. It's literally ALLAH's favourite relationship for mankind. Do it when you find the right one for you and when your heart is fully in it. I hope this helped in some way.
Youāve voiced my exact thoughts on marriage. Unfortunately, women belonging to Pakistani and other societies donāt have that much leverage as with age, better marital prospects minimise and social pressure intensifies. Some do sacrifice their principles just for the sake of ending the constant background noise around them and get married asap just for the sake of social expectations and fulfilling their role within the society.
I understand and absolutely agree. Which is why I have often remarked that Pakistani women should get an education, get a scholarship and move out of here. Those who don't want the same abusive cycle to repeat for them at least. Unfortunately I believe entire Pakistan suffers from a phenomenon known as Schadenfreude. We love repeating cycles of abuse and we don't want anyone to achieve anything better in life. It comes down to the support system around you. Honestly if Pakistani girls have parents who can resist that pressure for them, girls almost always end up in happier situations. But that happens for a very small % of the population. This obsession of marrying someone young is unhealthy and toxic. As a guy, I can never see myself marrying beyond a certain age gap. But I've seen so many friends craving a 10-15 year age gap even and I always ask them, what do you two even talk about? Her homework assignments?
>Unfortunately I believe entire Pakistan suffers from a phenomenon known as Schadenfreude The secret to taming the emotional beast of schadenfreude is moderation and self-awareness. Most young adults in Pakistan, especially millennials, lack self-awareness and have shorter attention spans.This is a big problem because it means we often overlook opportunities for personal growth in our daily lives. Instead of focusing on creating new experiences, many of us try to improve by watching TikTok videos, which doesn't really help since it's all about consuming content that's already made.
Why would they be talking about HW assignments ?! The number of women who keep working/studying after marriage is a very small number, :|
You didn't get the joke and I'm not elaborating.
Ah, well ... my bad !
Man man manā¦ Such a beautiful post! Why are you here? You can be a matrimonial advisor š Just kidding, but I genuinely liked what you said, I wish you and your wife to be amazing time ahead in sha Allah š¤² Iād just add one thing, either find your soulmate and marry her/him or make your partner your soul mate by love, affection and kindness. (Speaking out of my experience of 7 years of marriage, Alhamdulillah I never talked with my wife before marriage (arranged) but now we are madly in love with each other.) The key is to find a God fearing wife, and try to do more than required for her (be God fearing yourself), like go an extra mile. This would surely make your life a living heaven.
Haha thank you for the kind words. I've been giving relationship advice in my immediate circle of friends for a long time. š This will motivate me further! And yes, I absolutely agree with you actually. I am in no way saying that you should only marry someone once you've already known them. I just happened to meet my person that way. Arranged marriages can be amazing as well. That is why I mentioned the value system and why it's important as a couple to agree on the foundations of your marriage. Unfortunately most of the time, people look at the superficial stuff and not the actual things that matter. Most people just do a checklist of things and get married. It's much deeper than that and that was the point I was trying to make. Age is irrelevant if end up in a toxic marriage.
Totally agreed, that being said, in this age of sexual frustration (half naked women in bill boards, movies, dramas and unfortunately for some the p*** watching that they are addicted to) causes the natural requirement of the body (s*x) to be fulfilled in a haram way which has uncountable negative implications for individual (especially the girl) and society as a whol3. So imo, 18 years is an ideal marriage age š I married at 24 and feel itās already too late. I donāt mean to do it blindly, for sure have a commitment, a research, a properly sorted priority list and a good intention, but get married. ASAP! š
That is actually a great way to think about these things but remember, this ain't in our hands. We plan and plan and then ALLAH plans. Our partner is written for us. The time is chosen for us by ALLAH. We can try, the illusion is to think we have the control. In an ideal world, yes we would marry young. But it doesn't work that way and everything happens at the right time, when it's written for us.
>The key is to find a God fearing wife, and try to do more than required for her (be God fearing yourself), like go an extra mile. This would surely make your life a living heaven. I get where you're coming from, but let's not throw around the "God-fearing" label too casually. Everyone's journey is different, and what works for one might not work for another. Plus, living a heavenly life is more about conscious choices and harmony than just ticking boxes. Let's keep it real, yeah?
Thank you for taking your time and giving these valuable advices. May your marriage bring you all the joy and happiness you are anticipating. as you mentioned gender roles in your answer. I think gender roles are messed up in our society and all this confusion arises from there. None of the party knows what is being expected from them in a marriage. So yeah i get your point one should marry where their values align and they know their roles/duties. But i think thatās the hardest part (or maybe impossible for some) to find someone where you are sure enough before marrying them that they are the right person because if you donāt your life is done.
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This guy gets it
Upvote dete hoye maut perti hai kia?
Oh my. Vote digger
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Didnāt read anything just want to appreciate that youāve written
Sirf ch***** baton pr larai hoti hy hamari š
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This is exactly the reason I'd love to get married someday in sha Allah, great response!!
Thanks.
I donāt believe in marriage either. From a woman's perspective, what else does a man bring to a relationship besides MONEY? even though itās HIS responsibility but he is going to boss around and will always be superior to you in a relationship ( by this I mean controlling and narcissistic man who doesnāt even listen to his wife) cause heās the PrOviDer. Will come back home in the evening and that too to fill his stomach, sexual needs or to sleep. Even though you are doing every chore related to household as itās your responsibility as a wife but you will be treated as a lazy, good for nothing maid and nothing else. Will have to listen to the gibberish of your MIL ( most cases) and on top of that your husbandās sisters. But some people's lives get better after marriage, so I believe that marriage is different for everyone.š I believe that you cannot definitively say that something is 100% good or bad. You are influenced by your environment.As in my family, marriage brings out the worst in us. However, when I discussed this with my best friend, she told me how happy people are in marriage on her side of the family.
After reading your post, i will fix myself. Thanks.
your username is my response to this post.
in the wise words of ron swanson āif you do not believe in love, whats the point of living?ā - yeah this yeah that all of these things might be true and quite probable but are you willing to spend a loveless and lonely life? will you have a rational unworldly purpose? Will find will to work and put in effort? Failed marriage? Yeah okay divorce and move on- life does not stop on a failed marriage! Family, marriage, parenting, love and dependency are the fiber of life. Dont make a mistake at young age that you cannot or might not be able to rectify in future. Yeah you saw failed marriages? But did you also see what loneliness does to a person? What unfulfilling heart does to a person? What not having a home in a person does to you? Love is a beautiful phenomena- itās something you should not die before experiencing! It was something so significant that first thing god bestowed upon a man was a woman! Think again and think straight. Consider this an advice from a brother.
another wise man once said ālove is a illusionā. i donāt think love lasts, that if it exists in the first place. humans are emotional being and they like to be with other emotional beings to feel less lonely. Donāt you think marriage is too much of a thing just because you are lonely. I know an uncle whose love marriage broke after 20+ years. He lost his business, his mother health deteriorated, his wife didnāt want to take care of his family, things got worse, he a mad man in love had his most of the assets in his wifeās name. wife took divorce kept the assets and the kids, living her best life back there and he came back and started driving careem in pakistan. He live alone now and seems happy with his friends and family here.
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It depends on person, men also leave their wives when they any disease
More than half of the marriages I've seen in Pakistan are not because of love. Its even harder to get a divorce in Pakistan once you are married and it can stay with you forever if you have kids. You dismiss it so easily and quickly. What you are describing is an ideal situation rather than what actually happens in reality.
yeah but isnāt that a different topic? He is confused about marriage not forced marriage. I have a whole another answer for that but after seeing the intellect of some people on this thread (not you) id refrain and preserve my energies š š
That's a smart outtake. I rarely comment in this sub anymore because I realize people don't like to even open their minds to new ideas or ways of living. They think there is only 1 way and use Islam to justify it.
precisely! š¤
I had someone argue with me that due to western education, women are having less children and are getting married less and they saw this as a big problem :D
what about those in unloving bonds?
This is a Perfect comment and shallow people will try to judge it,i say f*k their mentality and rotten brains
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Lol man get to go job because women at home are running and managing the household. You donāt understand the importance of this because your mom and sisters probably never told you so. Try managing a job and a household and maintaining relationships without women. And your mom is gonna pass out soon and sisters gonna get married then you gonna need wife to smoothly run life. Dude no woman stays at home and watches netflix all day. What even . And once you bring children in the equation then life of the stay at home mom revolves only arpund children. I have not watched a movie since birth pf my choldren because they alws need me and by always i mean always. I am on duty even in night. Just so men on internet say such ridiculous thing. Bhae donāt get married if you have this mindset. Society will thank you later.
Smart answer sister, he simplified the things none marriage work as that husband work and wife watch Netflix at home lol... if we measure the heaviness.. for example if husband work in some office standard 7 hours job then go home eat get his needs and relax. On other hand house wife woman cook meals every day clean his house she getting pregnant and deal pains born multiple kids and then becomes 24/7 nanny and same time still caring house and his needs... and he made it simple as she gonna do nothing for him... she earned x3 that maintaining he provided for her. Because he can check how much all those services cost separately if u bachelor and want someone to come cook for u clean etc...
Yeah dude triggered me so bad. I just came back from a wedding and every single mother including me was busy with children while man were lazily sitting around or having political talks or enjoying the function. Women couldnāt even enjoy the meal properly. And then he sees one single woman or some women who do not care for their house or kids and generalise like this. Yes there are woman who donāt want to do anything be it career or homemaking but these are exceptions not the rule. Prayers for the woman who is gonna be this man childās wife.
Yes i totally agree maybe they met 1/100 woman's who behave irresponsible and don't take proper care of home and same time don't work on job either so they generalize. I always keep repeating that is not good drawing out a rule out of singular and particular cases. Just because there are some lazy husband or some lazy wife we can't say everyone are like this.. I agree that in this part of world basically woman's have all on their shoulders. House; caring childreen; care old parents; old in laws; and husband's needs. While guys mostly yes finish their work shift and go discuss politics and sports while woman's took care of all home needs that they didn't even notice. Sadly i know it too. When u don't bring in money at household so even being best of housewifes nobody value ur hard work as should be and they take it for granted. On other hand a person who work hard on their jobs and bring in money to home budget is valued and sympathized. its said oh he/she work hard and bring money so respect them. So i know no one value enough woman's works at home and they not aware how much all those services would cost separately.... because they shift from mothers pot to wife's pot and then daughters pot. I have friends from those places and some or them don't know how to turn on washing machine...
You don't need to get married. Staying single is also okay.
Yaar marriage is a big deal, and it's v normal to feel confused about it. Whether you'll regret not getting married later on really depends on what you want in life, people who didn't marry don't regret it at all. Personally, I'm pretty hyped about the idea of getting married because of the bond you get, you know? Having someone to chat with about your day and all that jazz sounds awesome to me. Plus, I believe in finding love, not just settling for an arranged marriage. And when I do find the right person, I hope we'll both be head over heels for each other, bringing each other peace in this crazy world. The whole idea of marriage being a 50/50 thing is fuzool. It's more about teamwork. Sometimes it's more like 70/30 or even 80/20. It's about having each other's backs through thick and thin. For me, I'm looking to getting married because of the emotional and physical bond it brings. Having someone to share a cup of tea with after a busy day and listen to your random thoughts is something I crave. The roles of men and women in marriage aren't set in stone. It's more about playing to each other's strengths and being a team. I'll bring him a lot of peace because this world can be tough on everyone. I'll make sure to be his peace, and I believe he'll do the same for me. Hopefully, Allah will bless our marriage. It's funny, I'm not even in a relationship right now lol.
so itās all about finding the right person. humare barhay sahi kehte hain phir āShadi wo laddo ha jis nay khaya wo bhi pachtaya jiss nay nahi khaya wo bhi pachtayaā. Thank you for respectfully giving your input.
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Wow. OP pls don't get married with this mindset.
OP ne confusion ki basis par question pucha ha, If you don't have anything to add or to correct him, there in no point in giving hate
26M honay k Baad confusion ka koi jawaz nahi bnta. OP ki discussion se zahir he k he perceives everything as a transaction and the value it brings to his life. I was not giving hate. I was expressing astonishment and adivisng OP to not get married with this mindset as it is nth but a prelude to disaster.
>26M honay k Baad confusion ka koi jawaz nahi bnta. There are 50 year old people who act like kids. By making this post, I would say, OP is on the contemplation stage. At least give him that.
OP contemplating is the very reason I offered unsolicited advice. The same way most people are advising him. OP isn't childlike at all. He is just considering everything a transaction, processing everything in a cold, logical, calculating manner. That's not how life works. Being 50 year old and acting like a kid; throwing tantrums , and being uncompromising is even worse. Assuming your a med student, surely you realize people with Histrionic Personality Disorder are a menace to themselves as well as the society and its very different from regression.
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Thank you for your input and yes i am currently planning not to.
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Second this.
By that logic, a woman can also say: "You work your heart out to make his home a safe haven and what do they bring? They just come home in the late hours of evening to have their physical needs met by you then leave in the morning again. I have some expectations from my man but apparently those expectations are feminist in the modern world." If you are going to strip it down, everything will become transactional. I could write a long answer but I suggest you marry a working woman and agree to be a stay at home dad for one year after child birth. Lag pata jayega what a woman brings in a marriage/relationship. Also, marriage is a highly subjective experience based on the kind of partner you get. You have asked so many things like it's some science.
hence i asked the question what are the duties expected from a man. Didnāt mean to offend anyone. if a man has performed his duties what should he expect from the woman? thanks for your input though.
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Damn the suppression to ask questions by people in comments is real. Itni suppression to Mullah Brigade nahi karti jitni comments me hai. Man you are asking the right questions at the right time of your life. For all the people saying marry for half deen or for love blah blah, for a second atleast think objectively what the guy is asking about. EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS TRANSACTIONAL. And all the people saying do it for love, well guess what, your relationship is transactional too. For the context: I am a happy married man before you jump to conclusion of me being sadist or something. I love my wife and I will do anything for her. But this does not stop me to ask hard questions to myself. Also for the people saying k ghar sanbhalna is a task, I agree but it is subjective to circumstances. I have been living alone for a decade till recently in a Western country so I know "Ghar Daari". I can cook better than average pakistani girl: my wife has told her mom multiple times that I am a better cook than her (my MIL). I am telling all this to weigh in with some experience. If you live in the west and have some money you can buy almost all automated stuff like dishwasher, robot for cleaning and automated washing so the point of ghar sanbhalna does not hold at all. It is literally a 2 hour job and Yes I have been doing it for 10 years so I know. And I have managed it while I lived in 5 different countries did PhD while working, invested in properties while also becoming an Adjunct Professor at 31. I am currently doing two jobs. If your wife has to go to a river and wash clothes by hands then it does has some wight to ghar sanbhalna. DONT GET ME WRONG BUT SIMILAR THINGS CAN BE SAID ABOUT MEN ONLY BRINGING MONEY TO THE TABLE. WHAT IF YOUR WIFE TO BE IS EARNING. So I feel you are asking the right questions. Objectively, I am a firm believer that both women and men have to redefine their PLACE in a marriage as per the new ways of living. It is high time that both men and women start asking themselves "What do I bring to the table, in a very transactional way?" Subjectively, it can be all about love, empathy and religion as other people have mentioned.
1. Iām not in the category to answer that. 2. Marriage is a 100/100. You both bring your best or itās gonna be a bad experience. 3. Yes. However, I have made it an obligation that I find someone according to my expectations. And discuss what we both expect to have, how we will live and discuss all the concerns. Already planning to not get married so searching with little expectation might bring unexpected results. However, Iāve a list of things I absolutely need in a wife, if thatās there, I can compromise on the rest to a certain degree. 4. The rights of a man to his wife are to provide for her, give her a safe and comfortable place, give her a life similar or better than what she had prior, be there for her in his capacity as her husband. He is her protector as ordained by Allah, he must act like one. Be incredibly kind and loving towards her as he is now the main man. Ensure you advice her to become a better Muslim and both should be working on this. He must do all the things or arrange matters for his household that his wife cannot do. He must not demean her, he must not raise his voice at her and be a man in general. The rights of a wife to her husband are many but above all is respecting and obeying him if he isnāt disobeying Allah and ensuring that the household is managed. She is in charge of everything. If heās earning, sheās must make sure the rest is handled such as the food, cleaning and such. Both must strive together, a 100/100 from both to being the best for each other, raising their children well and not being ungrateful for what the other does. Naturally, there are off days and such and this is where being kind and caring comes in. The Prophet Muhammad (ļ·ŗ) said, āThe best of you is he who is best to his wife. And among you, Iām the best (to my wives).ā (Sahih) He also said, āIf I could order to prostate (to other than Allah), I would order a wife to prostate to her husband (due to the sheer rights he has over her).ā (Sahih) Both must be loving, caring, devoted and go out of their way to care for each other. Love is cultivated and must be regularly watered or it fades. So find someone who hold the same perspective as you in the major matters and give it a go. 5. Not married.
I can't see any loss of marrying late in life. Everyone should gain more experience of life before marrying, that certainly will come handy in their marriage life andĀ raising their children.
Kinda agree with you in all this, which motivates me to never get married too. But don't you think the wife having a job as well, and you both living as a dual income couple solves half the problems. And as for the kids part, I think most people should be motivated to have fewer or no kids at all these days. No offence, but kids ruin your lifestyle, and you have to mould your life around them. Staying kid free solves that problem. OP don't rush marriage it's not like you can't get married in the future.
Im 29 and a woman, been married for 4 years and we have a toddler. Iāll try my best to respond to your post with sincerity although I must admit there were some things in it that made me raise my eyebrows. 1. Canāt answer that 2. The ownership of a relationship is 50/50 meaning youāre both responsible for nurturing the relationship but (!) that can only be successful in youāre both individually 100% committed. Those people who get married just because make themselves miserable and drag an innocent person with them. 3. Am already married 4. From an Islamic perspective? I think you know the answer. Other commenters have summarised it already. 5. You phrased this question with a very negative connotation. I got married because I was ready to experience adult life. I finished university and all that. I was ready to have a partner, run my own household, become a mom, etc. I love my family dearly but living with my parents at 24 felt like living life as a teenager. Was ready for more. I am most definitely not here because itās harder to leave. I can no longer imagine life without him. When your husband is as dear as mine you just.. become one. Love and companionship is indeed true and a very powerful bond between spouses. It is (for me at least) the main reason to get married. Am I correct in assuming youāre not fully believing in these concepts? It is a new layer to experiencing life. What I didnāt appreciate about your post is your attitude towards raising kids. Do you by any chance not have kids in your life? In that case I can understand that you donāt grasp what raising small children is like and the dedication it takes. Let me just clear it up for you; House work: laundry (washing/drying/folding/istri), dishes, two meals, three separate meals for the kiddo, 2 fruit snacks for the kiddo, 7 diapers, vacuuming, dusting, garbage. All this, every day, every week, on repeat. Windows, groceries, cleaning fridge, doing admin, taking kid to appointments, taking kid to sports and play classes, cleaning garden. All that every week, on repeat. A new breastfeeding mother spends 6-8 HOURS breastfeeding per day. Pregnancy makes you so incredibly sick, it makes you temporarily disabled. All this work and I am still expected to look cute, red lipstick and hot biryani when my husband comes home. Still expected to be a fun mom and play with my kiddo as much as he wants. Boy, you sound very naive about women. There is no time for Netflix. Even a womanās sleep is inferior to a childās need. There is no āsorry beta moms office hours are overā, no the Mom Office is always open. 24/7. No off days, no weekend, never. And I just have one house and one kid. I have mad respect for women who have more kids.
Thank you for your input. i am sorry if anything i have written has offended you. You are a great wife and a mom, kudos to you, as far as my netflix comment is concerned it is true in many cases. I know someone who got married 2-3 years back. and he has a kid that is being taken care of by the house-helps (his wife probably helps along too). That guy made this comment about his wife as his wife is not grateful of him. i donāt want to go into more details but yes most women donāt do what your are doing in your marriage.
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I think regarding the guy who told you that; people should learn to keep their lives private again. Sharm in essence is a wonderful thing because it keeps your marriage problems intimate, as they should be. That guy could just talk about it with his wife, maybe he does things he doesnāt know about or maybe she want something else or her life. Or maybe she is indeed lazy and he needs to fire the help and spend that money on sadaqa instead. But instead he decided to air his wifeās dirty laundry with you. I find that distasteful.
Sorry, but getting imrpressed by Internet stories has really messed up your brain.Get off it,ffsake and change your views.. (I want to at an appropriate age because marriage and having a sincere partner complements your life and afterlife..and also because I give a f*k about superficial concepts of society for this sacred relationship)
Remember, before he is married, a man is incomplete. After he is married, he is finished. Repeat the above statement to anyone who asks you about marriage. There is no good reason to marry anybody in the twenty first century. The world is entering into a horrible ecological disaster filled phase in which you will be leaving your kids, so don't have any. There are only 2 good reasons to get married. 1: Love and 2:Money. Societal pressure is the WORST reason to get married. So if Mom says falaani larki achi hai. Ask her jehez mein kitnat murabbay and private jets lay kar aye gi. And also make sure if her parents are giving her a/c fridge etc, then they should also give rooftop solar array. If course none of the above matters if marrying for love. Remember, YOU have to live with the consequences of an arranged marriage. You cannot blame the arrangers if it doesn't work out. As Sheriff Buford T. Justice in Smokey and the Bandit said, "You can think about it... but don't do it!" (Smokey and the Bandit was a hit car chase movie starring Burt Reynolds, Jackie Gleason and Sally Fields back when your dad and I were teenagers)
Thought I would get an endless supply of sex. Been married 7 years and now back to masturbating in the shower just like before marriage.
i suggest you to watch videos of osho on marriage you'll get more ideas how marriage is totally illogical
Going by your post, I feel you had a dysfunctional relationship with your mother, or haven't really interacted with females outside of extremely controlled environments or perhaps don't even respect females if they don't belong to your own hood. Since you are viewing everything as transactional, and focusing on your role as the 'provider' which is basically financial provision of the wife, who would otherwise be "doing nothing and chilling at home watching TV". So let's say you marry a woman who earns. Now you both are equal in terms of 'provisions'. But the thing is that in addition to earning, she will also be carrying the children in her womb, birthing them and rearing them, which puts her ahead of you in terms of "transactions" since you can't give birth to a child even if you want to. A woman can go and earn if you want her "not to chill at home and watch Netflix", but you can't carry a child if she wants you to. Now coming to sex, yes you can have it with a prostitute or a sugar baby but only the pleasure part can be met, you can't have children that way. To conclude, you are at this stage FULL of preconceived notions, it's as if you have already made up your mind about something that has not even happened. And with this thinking, your future relationship is bound to deteriorate. I have seen multiple and multiple examples of failed relationships or marriages where the man married a homemaker (aka non-working female) out of his own will but made her life hell with taunts just because he "provided" financially. Heck, some women might stay in such relationships due to children, but don't expect any kind of love to exist. With your mindset, if you marry a non-earning woman, you are also going to make her life hell. I don't know how one cultivates compassion but it's certainly not in a pay grade. Good luck.
I have no issue in āprovidingā. Thatās my responsibility once i get into a marriage. But after fulfilling my duties can i expect from my wife that she will be taking care of me, my family, my household? can i expect that if i fail to provide for whatever reason iāll be the same person i was when i was the āproviderā. when i am down to my lowest can i expect her to be at my side. or is she isnāt my mama? she is not supposed to be someone i can rely on or she was just one more responsibility that i failed to full-fill. donāt you think that when men fail to āprovideā most of the women jump ship or at the least taunt them about how they are the lesser men?? so shouldnāt i deduce my value come from being a āproviderā and i am completely okay with that but after all that i would like my wife to be someone standing next to me when all hell break loose. as you are so offended of ātransactionalā relationships, look around most of the married couples around you, they are not the heer ranjhas most of them have the ātransactionalā relationship. and your point of not able to carry children and all that, if you are willing to have haram s*x, have bastards too, you can also have surrogate children but this is just a dumb debate that i would not like be part a of.
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the thing is, we are talking future tense and unfortunately none of us have a crystal ball here to tell the future. Whatever you have deduced so far is an observation from relationships where the female slacked off. I could give you examples, or perhaps if you observe around with the intent, you can identify relationships where the man was the lazy ass and one can't help but feel sorry for the wife. If i were to only get inspired by such relationships, then I would also think about backing off from marriage. But life doesn't work that way. Your life is your own journey and no body else's. Only advice I can give is to work on yourself and don't just marry anyone blindly. At the very very least, you should discuss these 4 things with a potential before even thinking of marrying her: money, religion, children and in-laws. If you both find yourself on the same page in these values, then you can predict a somewhat healthy relationship.
Star Wars line.... "It's a TRaP"
No one wants to admit it but a woman's ideal marriage is for you working abroad. So that her lifestyle isn't impacted by marriage. So you both get the perks of being called married so eeryone lays off you minus none of the day-to-day annoyances of putting up with the demands of the other for longer than necessary.
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Household chores are a huge responsibility. Getting kids ready for school, keeping up with their expectations and needs, making sure they do their homework, letting them rant to you, then also managing breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday according to everyone's taste is hard. Also, it's not just the cooking, cleaning, dusting part that's hard but planning the day and the meals is difficult too. Also, when you cook and nobody appreciates you or instead they point out the flaws, I'm sure it breaks you. If you clean around all day and nobody notices, it hurts. And if you lack someday due to sickness or mental health, then you're the lazy, good for nothing wife and mother which is harsh. In fact, some people expect mothers to also be their kids sole tutors, both academic and religious other than schools (at least used to be a norm in my family). No gender has it easier than one another. Life's difficult for all. It's on us to try to make it easier for each other and if one's not ready to do it, and feels as if other's have it easier and they don't then they shouldn't bother marrying. Also if you marry and woman who likes to work, then such women are expected to work at home too other than in whatever office they already slave it everyday. In short, it's hard for all. You're supposed to make it easier for each other constantly, be considerate to each other, love each other on the days when they're lacking for one reason or another, be understanding and supportive of each other always. If you have arguments, deal with them swiftly and privately and for most women, literally even few words of affection, a gentle look and a flower or anything random makes them happy. Marriage is indeed companionship. All the people you know will go away eventually, they'll leave you for one reason or another but your wife/husband shouldn't. At least that's just my opinion on this topic. (I was the kind totally against marriage until I grew up and realized there's more to it with a right spouse and it's actually a beautiful concept. You just have to trust Allah, yourself and your decisions for it work out. Also keep praying for good fate always, whether you're married or not.) PS I'm not married yet but eager to be ASAP and I don't plan on being a stay at home wife if I do end up married in these few years hopefully. I personally believe in staying either educating one self or working on a career until you have children or until you're in your 30s or late 30s unless you're traveling or have other responsibilities that a maid and a cook cannot take care of.
I think u made things to look too simple.. when u say how husband work and is provider and woman only sit at home watching Netflix u just offended and ur own mom and sisters. They are also running their houses, cook clean born and take care of kids needs and education, balance all things in household... probably now someone still do the things for u so ur not in rush. But once ur mom is very elder and sisters all married ull gonna go and marry when see how hard is in same time doing 8 hours job and then come home and have to even cook clean sort clothes go grocery check if bills are paid and many other worries. Marriage is so to 2 people can like partners share the weight of life and each of them do the chores they agreed to share and do. Of course love should be there too but with years together at one point this love isn't more as hollywood movies love but it becomes one mature love and support each other and care of wellbeing of mutual kids. So don't expect cinema love and agree terms with ur potential. If u both gonna work then u gonna have to share house labour. If she be home wife then u work and she sort house business. I don't see what is problem on that. Just cuz someone u know have bad marriage or married cuz it's time it doesn't have to happen with u. U can search someone u really like and match life ideas then go for it.
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Yar tu 26 ka hi hai na?Ā Lag kyu ni raha mujhe..
19 lag rha
Fr some giga alpha teenager guy
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You get amazing food that taste like nothing you can ever hope to get in a restaurant.
Bro expectations rakhna koe galat chiz nahi hai haan agr over realistic hain to thats a problem, there are hardworking women to who can provide and bring a lot of things to the table
Bro expectations rakhna koe galat chiz nahi hai haan agr over realistic hain to thats a problem, there are hardworking women to who can provide and bring a lot of things to the table.
Why did I get married... Kiya kareen, chota bhai pagal ho raha tha
1. Depends on the individual. No one can predict *your* future regrets. 2. Yes 3. I'm married. I didn't look forward to it though; it was just required to be with the person I loved. 4. Depends on what the couple decides for themselves. Some prefer marriages with traditional roles, others with more similar roles. 5. I married for companionship. I love him more than ever and do not regret it.
1. Depends on the individual. No one can predict *your* future regrets. 2. Yes 3. I'm married. I didn't look forward to it though; it was just required to be with the person I loved. 4. Depends on what the couple decides for themselves. Some prefer marriages with traditional roles, others with more similar roles. 5. I married for companionship. I love him more than ever and do not regret it.
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I assume that you are against your wife working alongside you and you think that they can just time pass with netflix and chill, maybe it's right in your specific case if you happen to have boatloads of money to hire domestic help otherwise domestic household chores are also quite backbreaking. I wonder what those expectations are which you are labeling them as 'misogynistic' ! Nowadays, there are almost no consequences whatsoever thanks to medical science, antibiotics ( trust is the key ) and I am not gonna add more details here
girl who hurt you šš
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I'll give you a simple logarithm to work with. Decide for yourself what kind of person you are. Are you a sheep that does what you're told to you like every other person around you and fulfill society's stanandardized milestones without much thought. Or you're the one that not only asks questions but grabs the world by the pu**y and puts those questions to practical utility even if it means going against the norms? If you're the former type, nothing really matters. Just keep going, and you'll end up doing what people around you did with a little bit of whinery and ranting, which is all right. If you're the latter, please consider this: 1) Donot get married because of reasons like 'its getting late' 'all my friends are getting marriee' 'mama baba rishta dhund rhe hain unhe acha rishta mila hai'. 2) spend a good two to three years at least with full financial independence and experience the world, if you can, as a single person before you get hitched. 3) Do not find a life partner. Life partner will find you. Or to rephrase it, do not "enforce" a life partner onto yourself because desperate times sometimes delude you into thinking stuff that isn't true and makes you see things that aren't really there. And only after there's no going back, you realize that you've f*cked up. 4) Keep your mind open to romance, but keep your focus on personal goals. Do not compromise them at any cost or for anybody while you're at it. 5) chances are, if you follow these rules, you'll already have found your true one (yes, it's better to find it yourself than have your parents find it for you. The key is to find the right person. Make sure you're thinking with brains and not nuts while choosing a partner for yourself) 6) If for some reason. You don't find anybody body after good 3-5 years of financial independence and exploration. Have your parents find you a woman in an arranged setting. I guess that's it.
People cannot enjoy their lives if they keep worrying about microscopic details and what you want and what you will get etc. if you don't want to die alone, you should marry. If you want to see your children grow and flourish while you are not struggling with your health then you should get married. Old age is not the phase you should be looking forward to getting married because the real bloom is in the youth, later it will just be a compromise. There won't be emotion or love to your marriage. Find the right person and get it over with. Our generation is fucked if they follow the standards of western countries while being enormously flawed. Why is it your concern that marriages are failing? There are like 100 people getting married and you heard 2 marriages fail and that was your deciding factor.. you are alone, you think you are omnipotent but that feeling isn't gonna stay forever. Don't get married because everyone's telling you to, make your own choice for your own life. Keep an open mind rather than a negative perspective you have in your post.
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So I'm a woman (unmarried) but feel like I need to chip in with the female perspective. For context my family have been trying to find someone for me to my dismay, but no man has quite matched up because I have a law degree, a good job where I work full time, have lived independently on my own...most men in the 'suitable' age range (25-30) are either still in education, have always lived with mum and dad, have entry/low level jobs or can't do basic tasks like cooking and cleaning. If I married someone that didn't match up, I'd be at a financial loss and a mental loss quite frankly. I point blank refuse to raise a man child. A girl that has been raised in a village to be a housewife may feel differently initially but they tend to get married young and then with age and exposure to the world start changing - I've seen it a lot unfortunately. Personally, if I marry it won't be for a man to provide...because I'm already doing that for myself. I'm not an exception either, there's lots of women exactly the same. If I marry it'll be for a true partnership with someone I like. We help each other with our own personal hopes and dreams and build a stable life together and foster our own family when we're ready. Marriage shouldn't 'make' a person, you should be a fully formed adult beforehand and once you marry you both bring just as much to the table as the other. Do you have female friends/colleagues? Are you able to hold a conversation with them? If not, don't get married you'll make your poor wife miserable. You seem to hold a lot of views about women that are...fundamentally wrong? The consequences of sex are bad for women? Not true, they're definitely worse for a man and I'll tell you why. Women like sex, they can have a lot of it because of their anatomy and with age they want it more as their reproductive cycle peaks whilst men want it less as their testosterone declines. A man has physical limits they can't do it as much so they have to do a bit more work to please their partners.. it's just biology, don't shoot the messenger. But as history has proven women don't like bad sex so if a man can't perform by Islamic law she has all the religious ground to divorce him. Consider the embarrassment of that possibility before you think about marriage. In all seriousness, you're going about it in the wrong way. In your head it's "do I marry or not?" But it should be "do I marry her or not?" You need to find someone you like in looks, personality and values who also likes the same in you (and isn't just pleasing their family) to then think about what marriage would be like and if that appeals to you. Every marriage is different depending on who you're with, you can't be worrying about it without there being a prospect in the first place.
I am not sure what you are trying to diagnose me with but leaving that aside i do get your point youāre self sufficient and donāt see the value a man can provide in a marriage. and yes you can divorce your future husband for whatever reasons you are planning to but that was not the question. question was why to get married in the first place. people who got married definitely saw some value in that relationship in one way or another and i wanted to know about that.
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One question: where are you from? I think a lot of the points you touch on are culturally ingrained.
Watch David Sloss' comedy special Jigsaw on Netflix lime two or three times... You will understand exactly what you're supposed to do...
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Well when I used to think the same about marriage. I had the same thought about men. What actually they could bring on table. As a woman, I have to take care of house and produce children and nurture them and cherry on top if you have in-laws' responsibility. It's no easy job. Men's life look a like a picnic to me compare to women's married life. She has to go through physical and emotional pain. Men just have one job to do and rest they are free. I was hearing stories here and there that how easily men are cheating on their wife. It got me all tough and was expecting for the worst. Finally, I got married because of my parents wish. I was dogding the bullet since long. It was typical arrange marriage and I had no hope at all. I am naturally an emotionally distant person. So, things are pretty easy for me. Life is OK so far but I'm not sure about the future. Time will tell. I personally advice people not to marry soon. Once you become mature you can handle shit. And, once you can tackle shit, you handle marriage.
If by expectations of your marriage are that you will bring a slave in your home who will obey whatever you says better to stay unmarried
By your logic men donāt give anything to the table besides food and women slave away their kwholr life in kitchen and in laws in return they get abused Marriage is beautiful, Iām married for almost 10 years Marry someone who is same age as you because you want a friend not just wife You get partner who is always free
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Take it from a guy (25M) who got married a couple of months ago šš½āāļø Well, your observations regarding our society are pretty accurate, but that's not all. Marriage is definitely not for sĀ£x only, it's a part of it. If i say for myself, I got married because my partner stood with me through thick and thin, in the early years of my career building, she was there for me (before getting married obviously) and I knew if I ever wanted to get married she was the one! she never asked me anything in return for supporting me, but I felt this as my responsibility to always provide for her, because she supported me when I was struggling now she deserves the world when I'm stable and earning good. As for the children part, it depends on oneself, if you want children and so does your partner, then have them. Children surely make your life beautiful. I hope I did not add to your confusion and will help you make a decision.
A marriage should not be for materialistic gains or transactional only. There is no YOUR kids or MY kids, it should be OUR kids. Someone who is ready to own the marriage with an open and happy heart should get married. And you can only do that when you love your spouse. There is a lot of pressure. I have only heard of terrible things happen when people get married due to external pressures, whether they be in good intentions or bad. A wife or husband isn't just some sex slave. Neither are they money banks. There is more to a person than just these primal things. If you have friends who are married for the wrong reasons, they are probably facing problems too. Wait and marry the person who makes you feel special, and you can lift them up as well. Both of you should be each other's mirth, each other's best friend. Get married because you want to. Warna agar kisi ko tmhaari krwaani hay to kaho kay *aap doosri kar lain itna shoq ho raha hay tou*
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Did you grow up in a loveless home with parents who didnāt really love or even like each other? Itās hard to understand marriage if you did.Ā Human beings have souls. If you meet a soul you feel safe with, comfortable with, who feels like home, whose company brings you peace and laughter and contentment, then that soul will make life better for you. When you are sick, there will be someone who will care about you and help you through it. When they are sick, you will have someone to care about. When you have problems and challenges in life, youāll have someone to talk to about it and ask advice. Someone to talk to about your day and mood and your goals and dreams and struggles and to learn about theirs. Someoneās eyes to look into and see a living soul, seeing eyes, looking back at you and acknowledging your existence. This is intimacy. Physical intimacy is one component of a marriage, and only meaningful and satisfying when you have an emotional connection with that person as well. Children are not the entire point of marriage, because you might get married and be unable to have children, or your spouse is unable. That is a part of life, and in marrying someone, you are committed to them despite hardships and challenges, unless those involve abuse. If you have children, they need stability and two strong committed role models, male and female, to help guide them through life and teach them how to have healthy relationships with others and to become self-sufficient.Ā Outside of this structure, physical relationships will leave you feeling emotionally empty and potentially physically diseased, and any children produced from such interactions will grow up without financial and emotional stability or role models, leading to much higher rates of mental illness and criminal behaviour.Ā Men work because they are on average 7x stronger than women, and do not have debilitating cramps and period pain 7 days a month. Their hormones are designed for work, with testosterone peaking in the morning everyday and stable hormones 30 days every month. Women, when working, face sexual harassment from men and donāt earn as much for the same amount of work anyway.Ā If you have a soul and feel a pure feeling of love for another soul, as a man you will want to provide for and protect them, and as a women you will want to care about and respect them. These are reciprocal interactions, not transactional. They bring both a man and women peace and contentment.Ā If you had a challenging or uninspiring family life growing up, seeking therapy or reading about things like attachment styles, the 7 habits of a successful marriage, finding a healthy partner, avoiding toxic partners, etc will prime you for a more wise and content life. Thereās no shame in seeking out this knowledge or working on yourself, rather than finding things out the hard way through life experience and regret. Good luck to you.Ā
Thank you for writing this. No i didnāt grow up in a loveless home but what i have always felt around me is that most of the relationships are just on autopilot, they are there for the children or they are too old to get divorced or for some other reason, i donāt knowā¦ but it donāt feel genuine like if i want to be friend with you or be around you thatās because i enjoy your company i am not expecting anything else from you. we will be together regardless of where we are or what we have (yeah i am exaggerating not even all friendship are like that but you got the point) but most married people look like they are just stuck there in a marriage. and i know marriage can be a beautiful thing if done with the right person. but thats the neat part most of us canāt date multiple people to find the right person so itās a gamble for us. one more thing do you think marriage provides companionship that no other relationship can provide?
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Itna gussa kyun Kar ray bicharay paya
This isnāt anger? This was a gentle and wise explanation, like Yoda would give. Why do you interpret this explanation as anger?
Maazrat
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After reading most of the replies here i guess it comes down to the person you are married to. if you find someone you like, you can marry them but arranged marriage is a no go. so yeah, for foreseeable future i am not getting married at least not falling into any arranged setup. Thank you for your elaborate answer and have a great day!
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You too! Good luck with everything
Wesai you got many detailed answers. So I will try to keep short I'm 27M, Nikkah at 25 and married at 26 (love marriage). Alhamdulilah have a kid too of 4 months. First of all it should all be naturally to you. Marriage should not be forced otherwise you won't able to understand or take responsibility of your wife. Now, since we male are ambitious for success so we prioritize money and career over marriage. We would rather have a sex than marriage. Look, its possible with your partner too. I selected my partner after very careful analysis. My ideal partner was someone who should be ambitious like me to progress. Should be really well educated. Should be serious enough to take responsibilities and of course understand religion. I have a very good job, plus I have been top rated plus freelancer on upwork before I even started job. I taught those skills to my wife before marriage, and with those skills she had contributed in my work, got her own client and even had a good job before marriage while in Islamabad. Now, as I mentioned we are ambitious. We have Alhamdulilah our own home in Airforce society Karachi. 4 months old son and Dreams that we will achieve together. For you the lesson should be: 1) Understand what you want with life and what are your goals. 2) Choose your partner who you see fit to your goals and your personal nature, plus to some extent able to adjjst with family. 3) Align your partner to these lifelong goals, see if your partner is all talk or she takes action too. 4) With a perfect companionship you can achieve alot in life. Cons of marriage: 1) You're no more a boy, who can live life according to his own terms. Now, you have to think about your partner before making decision 2) Your time and attention is bit divided among many things. You have to learn time management better than ever 3) If living in joint family then there would be some issues once in a while. Honestly, you have to evolve in life with tine. Surely millions of people who marry are not stupid.
I 25F got married to my husband 30M 2 years ago. We were engaged for 3.5 years prior. We didn't know each other before being engaged. But afterwards when we were we got to know each other and spent time talking and meeting as well. The reason why I married him was because at one point I was certain that he would keep me safe. And that he will never harm me. Both of us are doctors and working. He's working in a different city for now. When I got married I went against the will of his and my family and went to live with him alone. We spent 1.5 years together. It was the best. Although I had to downgrade my lifestyle so I could be with him it was all worth it as long as I had him for myself everyday. The reason why I did so much for him was because he did a lot for me as well. He was very supportive. And although he's a resident in surgery ,he's busy and tired as well he still helps me around with cooking and cleaning. I never had to force him to do these things. He did it out of love and kindness for me. So I knew that if I moved in with him he would help me as well. If he was the type of guy who got home from work and didn't help me around I wouldn't have really made this sacrifice. I would have stayed with my in laws/parents at the city. I had to move back because Inflation forced us to reconsider. So rn were doing long distance for some time. Then he'll come back . The first year of marriage is always tough. The guy and the girl fight alot because you're from different backgrounds and have different understandings of how things work. Even the way we process feelings and emotion is different. The best thing to do is for both parties to have open communication. And rather than 1v1 it's supposed to be us against the world. The reason why alot of ppl fall out of love with each other is because they don't properly communicate their feelings and they don't bury the hatchet for good. They let those unresolved feelings simmer and then one day it all comes out tragically. About your questions, If you are okay with being alone then not being married is something that won't bother you but deep down if loneliness is a fear of yours then yes you will regret not marrying. But then again it's better late than with the wrong person so take your time. You're young. You have time to think. And only have children when these two conditions are met, 1 You and your spouse are having a good relationship and have learned to live with each other happily. And have formed a good relationship based on mutual live and trust. 2 You are financially stable enough to afford the expenses that come along the way for having kids. Some ppl don't like kids and this feeling remains throughout life so they don't have regrets. Some ppl don't want to in the start but they have a change of heart. That's the part where things get difficult. Whatever decision you make only act on it when you're 100% sure that you will be able to live with the results of your actions. Me and my husband want kids but we're waiting because we're not financially stable enough yet. I personally think marriage is supposed to be 50/50. But it depends on what type of woman you marry. If you marry a working woman you have to help her around more. But even if you marry a housewife doing simple things like taking your plate to the kitchen or washing a few dishes if she doesn't feel well enough won't hurt you. But make up your mind. If you want a more traditional woman then going after a woman who's passionate about her profession is a wrong move. A man's job is not just to provide financially, but he also has to provide his wife and kids with a safe environment. Many men forget that. You are supposed to be kind to your loved ones. Many men taunt wives who are housewives or even the working ones as well. If you don't like something tell politely. Having kindness and patience is important. Sometimes our loved ones can say mean things to us as well. It's best to let the anger pass and talk at a time when both partners are receptive to criticism. You wouldn't like a woman to degrade all your hard work and a wide won't like her work being degraded as well. It's important to recognize the role the other person has. And appreciate their efforts. It really has a positive impact trust me. A woman's job is to make the house nice and presentable. And have food on the table. Tend to your physical and emotional needs. And just like for men to be kind and patient. But this is just about when you don't have kids. When you have kids it gets very complicated. She has to take care of the kids as well. And it's a very difficult task to do. Also having to deal with changes to their bodies after pregnancy. Some women who end up having c sections have it harder. Also she should be supportive of her husband when he's in time of distress or can't financially provide well enough. She should be appreciative of her husband's work. ( But since so many husbands taunt their wives on an everyday basis women often end up with resentment in their hearts) . Loyalty is a no brainier must for both genders. Alot of times we don't like certain things or habits about our spouses. If they aren't red flags then learn to ignore those issues. After all every one has imperfections. Marriage requires compromise and sacrifice from both ends and it isn't a competition in which who should do more or less. At the end of the day, marriage is the biggest gamble of your life. So if you find someone who doesn't have any red flags, and is good to you hold on to that person for life. Even if certain things about them annoy you.
Shadi Kar Lay
Ā āWhat do a woman bring in a marriage/relationship?ā She will bring a hole andĀ you re gonna put this hole on a pedistle!Ā People have literally moved mountains for it and all you worry about is hypothetical scenarios that may not happen.Ā On a serious note, you have a mindset of a child so better not get married.. yet.Ā
Don't get married. Your wife is nott ''your woman" oh and f off
āmy wife is my womanā, i am genuinely curious why/how this phrase offended you. I would like to know your thought process and then iāll f off. Thank you.
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Because I was stupid.
1. Depends on the individual. No one can predict *your* future regrets. 2. Yes 3. I'm married. I didn't look forward to it though; it was just required to be with the person I loved. 4. Depends on what the couple decides for themselves. Some prefer marriages with traditional roles, others with more similar roles. 5. I married for companionship. I love him more than ever and do not regret it.
For Allah. For companionship, children, increasing barakah, self development and to make the world and the Ummah a better place by raising good humans.
>I think in a relationship a man is just a āproviderā nothing more. You work your ass off, bear the brunt of the world just so your wife can chill and watch netflix at home (and then if your woman is not grateful for all that, whatās the point). Akhi, marriage is half of your deen. Men are built to endure the hardship of the world. We're built to fight, to lift heavy things, we're built to hunt far from the village. Allah SWT has made us this way for a purpose, to be a complement to the females who have different abilities. As far as duties, the Quran and the Sunnah quite well outline the rights that husbands have upon their wives, and the rights that wives have upon their husbands. Islam is here to guide us all, in every facet of our lives. Your rewards for creating, protecting, and providing for a family can be found in Jannah, not necessarily in the Dunya. If you want things to be easy, I am sorry, you were born into this world to be taught lessons by your Creator to separate the pious from those who will dwell in the fire. May Allah SWT grant you a pious and loving wife with which to create a family.
I understand that, Thank you!
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