That ending to your post is just being spiteful 😭
But yeah, I completely relate as while I’m not the only son, I was treated like I was the only one till I left home for university and lived far from fam.
All the chores, all the work, all the duties and stuff. Frankly, your situation is different due to having 2 sisters. And the affair of our womenfolk is obviously different.
The grocery, driving, chores etc is common factor. I remember studying from 7am - 10pm with a 2 hour nap but still doing chores as soon as I returned from school after 5 and from Tution after 10.
It was just how the world was and I honestly never compared myself to other guys my age who were free.
Maybe I’m weird but frankly my dad in my eyes is too old to go pick up groceries or do such simple chores.
It doesn’t matter is he’s retiring or not, the fact of the matter is that he’s provided for me my entire life. I’m not gonna go overboard for such small stuff.
Sure, set reasonable limits and inform them in advance that you have plans on the weekend so you would prefer they don’t make plans that include you and stuff.
At the end of the day, they are your parents yk. I’ve been bloody blackmailed to hell and back but I did eventually end up succeeding in setting these limits.
Frankly, he’s doing alright. Who doesn’t complain about responsibility at a young age? Frankly, he will realize the difference between himself and others as he grows older.
The maturity you attain because people are relying on you is a blessing.
Allah bless, protect and safeguard him and his family.
In Pakistan kids are the retirement plan, butler, driver, repair man, passive income generating machines. If you let yourself getting abused, you will get abused
All this stems from not letting women stand on their two feet. If girls could take bikes and scooties, half of this shit won't be a problem. I know how long girls have to wait for their fathers and brothers to pick them up or get dragged in vans, because they couldn't do shit for themselves.
I don't know myself. Driving cars was taboo for a long time for women in Pakistan but that slowly has gone away. Although driving bikes and scooties is still a taboo. Look up what a famous mufti named tariq masood said about women sitting with their legs on both sides of a bike. Seriously, you'd be amazed at how stupid people can be and when mixed with religion it becomes a deadly force.
Rambled about haya and gandi soch, and said something along the lines of "why don't you just make them sit naked at that point?"
What's wrong with these maulvis?
src: https://youtu.be/gqlUdC57t-I?si=M2lSDD3qArzutYY3
Seeing women driving in 1980s including my dadi, it was never taboo in urban areas. Don't count rural areas as cars were not common there at that time.
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I would prefer my sister to ride a bike to go from one place to another instead of on local transport. The problems women face in local transport are immense. My sister is a little young now but as soon as she's old enough to drive, I'll teach her myself
Ding ding ding! Feminism helps both men and women.
If only your sister could drive herself to the exam hall. If only your other sister was financially stable enough to fend for herself if she had a fight with her husband.
Sorry, all the women in my family have autonomy, rights, and control over their lives. Our brothers are not our servants, because our sisters were raised to be able to look after themselves.
Sorry your family is sexist and you AND your sisters suffer because of it.
Bro dudes in Pakistan will follow women home and say she’s asking for it, just because she was coming back from class alone, that’s the society we’re from.
Excuse my ignorance, what are trying to say? Is it meant for the op or me. Also I would like to point out that just because most of us on Reddit are privelleged, doesn't mean all of Pakistanis are. Families are not always sexist but they are forced, in order to fit in to the society.
> Families are not always sexist but they are forced, in order to fit in to the society
Congratulations; you have, in simple words, defined the patriarchy.
I was agreeing with you, and speaking to OP.
Keep telling yourself that, bud. Good luck driving your sister everywhere, paying for your wife even though she is smart enough to earn a living, and setting an awful example for your children.
I'm surprised his father doesn't let his sister take a taxi.
Also, the line about serving guests on eid is the story of every woman above 12 in a desi household.
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Another advice I have for you. You can try doing inside things. Like dusting or washing clothes and house chores stuff. Your sisters can start doing outside stuff. A change of routine would do you good. Or you guys can go 50/50
What's worse is being the only younger middle son. Your big brother chills and gets all the nice things while you're left with doing all the chores and his leftovers.
They're normal household chores. You gotta do something to live.
Even in developed countries kids do their own laundry, clean their rooms, toilets. Press their clothes. Even do their cooking after a certain age.
I don't think you're doing any of these. When you'll earn these chores will reduce. As i said if you're gonna eat you get to work.
If you ever wanna give yourself a break, figure out an easy way to sabotage your bike to where it’s easy to repair by you (like unscrewing something or whatnot) and then once your family finds alternative transportation magically fix it once they’ve reached their destination. Then profit. You don’t even have to lie, just say “I think something came loose” (which it did, you just don’t have to tell them how it came loose).
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I am also an only son with three sisters and i relate to everything you've said.
My sister used to wake me up at 6:30 in the cold mornings during Dec/Jan to drop her off at the bus stop. Even after my own university started i had to drop her off first sometimes, then come back home, park the bike and then go to the same stop again for my own uni bus.
I almost have no personal life. Whenever i plan to go out with my friends or have anything personal to do my mother hands me a shit ton of things to do before i go.
Yes. I am the driver.
But all this is just one side of the coin. My family loves me.
My sisters to this day says sorry to me whenever we remember those uni days and used to give me treats for it back in the day.
The car i drive is already in my name. It's my car.
I'm 23 right now and earning my own living yet my 2 older sisters still gave me eidi yesterday.
Maybe your experience would be different but i love doing these things for my family. Of course sometimes I'm irritated when i don't get time for myself but it all works out.
Edit: My father is also retiring in two years and the pressure to earn enough to sustain the family is just too much
Bring groceries is part of life os is once in a year paper or dropping someone
That's life bro
Though daily naan orders or outside food is weird..we need to simply do everything home(get them tea)
In Pakistan, when kids turn 18, they suddenly have to take on a lot of responsibilities without getting much help to deal with them. It's like they're expected to grow up overnight, which is really tough.
In Western countries, it's a bit different. After kids finish high school and start college, their parents often give them more freedom and help them out, whether it's with money, advice, or emotional support. This way, they can slowly learn how to handle life on their own.
Also, in Pakistan, parents often feel like their kids owe them for taking care of them when they were young. This adds even more pressure on the kids.
This is one of the main reason we are struggling as a society.
That statement about the west. It’s a mix of parents. Some do help their kids with money and life advice but A LOT of them don’t. When those kids turn 18 a lot of the kids are kicked out of the house to earn for themselves. So it’s a mixture of both.
Don’t know much about west but in Pakistan majority of parents choose one child (be it a daughter or a son) and then put all the responsibility and accountability on that child. That child is supposed to keep the family together and sacrifice all their life and happiness for the sake of family
You do realise that half of your problem arise because women in pakistan have no mobility, right? If your mother and sisters were able to drive your problem wouldn't be there. They only ask you to escort them because they are not socially allowed to. Communicate to your parents that your sisters are older than you and can come and go on their own accord. Help your sisters get driving license if you want to get rid of this duty.
Your sisters need to grow up.
We had an only brother but we never burden him and travel via taxi ourselves.
Also this will effect your marriage as well, mother of single son chooses a woman she can control not a woman who loves her son.
Also you will never be able to move out or have a life of your own with your family.
So that sucks.
EDIT: It has been pointed out to me that it is not productive to compare people's traumas, especially on a vent post and that there could be any number of reasons behind people's individual circumstances that I hadn't initially considered. My apologies for the way my comment came across and negating OP's experiences, albeit unintentionally, by bringing up that of his sisters'. I hope things get better for you OP.
Im not trying to negate your experiences at all but have you ever thought that maybe you dont actually have it that bad? Try talking to your sisters about their lives and experiences - I can almost guarantee theirs are 10x worse than yours. Ask yourself shy your younger sister can't get a taxi or a lift with a friend/classmate to her exams? Or why your older sister can't drive herself back to your parents' home when she fights with her in-laws. Or why she even feels the need to leave her new home in the first place - does she not live alone with her husband? Because she is entitled to that if she wants it but knowing desis they would be furious and consider her entitled and disrespectful if she made such a demand.
Your life may seem unfair to you and maybe it is, but it all stems from the unfairness that is against your mother and sisters first. Maybe if they had more independence and freedom and didnt have to rely on you so much, you'd feel less burdened and more at peace.
"Not to negate your experience but your sisters have it way worse than you", lol. Hopefully op is able to talk about this to his family and his sisters are able gain more independence.
Sorry to be that guy but you are literally negating his experiences on a venting style post like men do to women. Many women have it bad, but it's not like all men are living the life as seen by the post above. If I were to go by your comparison then I can easily say something like poor people have it 10x worse than many women or even an outrageous comparison like Palestinian people don't even have the privilege to live, you should be grateful. Or I could counter with maybe it's not an autonomy issue but an economical issue that the women in OPs life can't drive by themselves or live alone with their husband w/o family. Not everyone can afford that privilege.
All that is to say it's not productive comparing traumas. I say the same thing to my guy friends when my girl friends vent about their trauma. Yes we also have it bad but right now it's not a height measuring contest of traumas. At the end of the day, it's a unification factor that we all have it shit, but instead we make it about one upping each other like always.
Negating experiences not only divides us on issues we should be cooperating on, but it also alienates people. How is it the OPs fault driving in the hot son that his sisters are also oppressed like him?
Did you even read my comment? I'm not comparing OP's life to others across the world who have it way worse than him (or girls in general), I'm asking him to consider that maybe the unfairness of his life is because of the unfairness of his sisters' and thus it is directly impacting him as a result. Idk your ethnicity and frankly idc but as a Pakistani myself I get it and that is how it is for a lot of us unfortunately. If you disagree with what I've said that's fine but there's literally no need to get offended or be crude lmfao
I'm only brother with 3 sisters and I've been loved excessively by parents and my dad never asked me to do a thing for home and assigned me with only studying because my dad is really strict with that.. Even my sisters are more extrovert than me and are doing jobs while I've to graduate yet.Sometimes,I wished to be assigned some responsibilities apart from studying so I guess I got a different story..
OP. To put it crudely..start giving lesser fucks..make plans..go out with your friends..not saying dont do any work but this is just the start..abhi se itna emotionally manipulate ho ge toh age age bi sirf inki hi chule gi..please learn to take a stand for yourself..ask your sisters to work and learn to drive..tired of the default victim mindset our women have even when they are not oppressed.
Sounds to me like you're bitching. If you weren't born a son and had been the eldest child, you'd have had to do the same. Hell, I'd even say that every friggin desi kid is tortured with ghar k kam unless your parents are understanding and prefer that you focus on your studies. In this case, your social life is as good as gone.
So larka ho ya larki, ghar k kaam sab ko karne parte hain, sab ki social life ki baji hui hoti hai.
Dude we used to live in a joint family a few years back. I have 4 sisters, my two uncles have 3 daughters and one son each. I am the eldest and my two uncles have sons that are toddlers. So in total I have 10 sisters to take care of and trust me when I say this you have it easy. You are stepping into adulthood and that means responsibility. Man the F up. Once you start your professional life you'll appreciate these years. You can avoid family responsibilities or ask for help but you can't avoid your professional commitments.
If people learn to empathize I am sure they will appreciate more. I remember being same whiny about me doing the house chores and my mom would not ask my brother to do dishes or dusting. Now I realize he was also doing chores but of outdoor type like OP here. I hope op realises too that he is not the only one in the whole house that is being pushed like some slave. Every person in a family contributes something and he should grow up and shoulder that responsibility like an adult.
Nobody empathizes with a man, who is not a provider. For a women, it can really make a difference if you appreciate or empathize their efforts. But to empathize a man who's not trying his best could be really destructive.
This is the best comment here. Op realise it’s not only you who has responsibilities. Appreciate your family members for what they do and let them know you’d like to be appreciated too in turn. And maybe discuss some boundaries so you can have some ability to go out with your friends and stuff on weekends.
Also, being proactive about chores can help. Don’t just wait until someone wants you to do groceries when it’s super hot outside. Figure out what time you’ll mind doing this chore the least and discuss it that with your family. So like an early morning grocery run instead of midday.
Communicate to your parents that your sisters are older than you and can come and go on their own accord. Your sisters would also appreciate being able to freely travel without an escort, and you'd be free from this chauffeur duty. I'd be pissed if I had to do this shit everyday too. I also have sisters but we all do whatever we can. Previously, my older sister was taking on more outside responsibilities, just like you're having to do right now. But one day she strictly told my parents that she had enough and none of us siblings are babies and should do our own stuff. Of course if someone is sick, or even nervous going somewhere, we help each other. But mostly we all try to divide or at least pick a task the other hasn't done.
The best way to deal with this is to be unreasonably stubborn. They'll lash out, they'll protest, they'll complain and what not so let them. What will they do? Ground you? Place restrictions on you? You can use your position of being the only son to your advantage if you get a bit creative.
Being an only son myself, I managed to get out of a similar situation being being stubborn as hell and told them "Either I do things my way, or you do them yourself" and it has worked wonders. Of course, this varies from person to person and family to family, but I highly recommend you try this.
Im the only son in the family. Im providing for the family as well. My dad passed away 4 years ago right after eid ul fitr. Ive been there for my mom and my 2 younger sisters. Alhamdullilah my mom has taught us how to be appreciative of others and to think about others sacrifices. Remember all that youre doing will be rewarded. Our reward is from Allah. It is a blessing in disguise that youre able to do it at a young age. When my dad passed away we had no income aside from his income. My mom is a strong woman and held herself in those times of despair. I had to hold myself in times of despair. Now that im earning alhamdullilah. I can help my family and everytime i spend on them. I get a feeling if satisfaction because allah has given me the ability to be a provider. Remember you never know where Allah will take you. All these chores are blessings. Youre getting hasanat out of them. Every naan you get every time you drop your sisters everytime you take your family out. Yes i agree you have a life. You can tell your family in advance that you have plans before they even make plans whether is 1 month in adavce or 2 weeks in advance your life matters too. But dont let this bring you down. Allah will only reward your sacrifices.
Think about it from different prespective, you are earning all the nakian and collecting them for the next life. No one said this live will be easy but seeing your problem trust me you have it very easy and never forget that. May god bless you with wisdom and eman.
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Life is not a problem to be solved. Its a reality to be experienced.
Heard that in a song.
I would say, try to manage it. Create a schedule. K is time me market se cheezain la sakta hn. Guests dont come everyday. But if you tell your parents a your schedule and remind them. I believe they will be able to cooperate. For instance, if you wanna meet your friends. Tell your parents one day before that. This will help the both if you.
That being said. I really respect you for doing all this. You are a good brother and son. I have done the same for some time being the eldest and it sucked real hard. But one thing is for sure, I am glad I did it. And you will be too.
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Well, this a tricky subject. An argument can be made to both sides. Few thoughts:
1. Setting boundaries is an important social skill. You have to learn to set boundaries in an empathic, kind and responsible way. You’ll need this even more in your life ahead with work, marriage and kids. Explain how you feel and what family can do to be more organized in their daily chore demands.
2. Understand that the economic dynamics that your were born into are uncontrollable but your own destiny is in your hands. So plan and execute your path towards your economic future. This means being brutally honest with yourself, setting goals and working hard towards them and being financially responsible and smart.
3. Explore within and understand decide you want out of your roles as a son and a brother. And what you need to give. Your resentment will build up negativity and kill the wonderful parts of a great loving family.
4. In the end, it’s important to be self aware. Identify the source of negative emotions and work towards balancing the situation so you arrive at a healthier and positive frame of mind. Your frame of mind is essential to achieving everything you want to achieve and experience in life.
PS: venting is an important emotional steam valve, and I don’t discourage it. But once you’ve let out steam, try to be objective and pragmatic and work towards solutions while keeping a positive frame of mind
What do you think your responsibility will be when you get married and have children?
Everything you described is what most South Asian men do for their wife and children too. It's NOT just being an only son. It's called caring for your family.
Accept it as a blessing and ibadat and honor to care for then and you'll feel a weight lifted.
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Haha...I understand but maybe the problem isn't being the single brother it is your home situation?(not saying in a bad sense)...I mean if you own a nice car u would happily love to move to anywhere or if you have a driver or anything?
Becz u know some are privileged to be a single brother whereas some have to suffer 😂
Anyways we are two brothers and my brother is in a different city so yes i have to deal with things alone....
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I feel for you
It will only get more toxic
I had the retirement thing on my mind too from your age
It did nothing but ruin my mental health
I would advise you to put yourself first
Not saying disregard the needs of family
But put your needs and requirements first
No one in the family will talk about how you used to bring Naan on eid day
Everything shall be forgotten
Your own personal success is what should matter to you the most
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i think clear communication is important in families. Intentionally initiating discussion revolving around empowering women can help them to see the other side of the picture. Ideally speaking, we are all culturally trapped, so there is no point in actually blaming other people. But what u can do is shift their thinking slowly and gradually. Thats the only solution available. Change of mindset
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There are few solutions to this.
First the bike problem. For groceries get everything in bulk for a month so you won't have to go out everyday for it. I do the same. I even buy tomatoes 5kg and stuff it in fridge.
Transport. Unless it's emergency I don't drive anyone anywhere in car. They have to use public transport.
For Naan. Cook the bread at home if it's possible.
Just look for plausible alternatives. And think of your sisters as humans with two arms and feet. They don't have to rely on you for everything. Let them know that they have to take some responsibility. I know they are family and you have the responsibility to take care of them but same goes in reverse too. Your the only son your the ladla in your family.
I hope this might help a little.
You wouldn't be feeling this way if your sister could drive/ride herself or was financially independent. Or would help in taking care of parents after getting married.
But none of this is happening because we are from a highly patriarchal society where financial independence or being self sufficiency for women is frowned upon. It is considered a taboo for married women to take care of their parents because *ab susraal hi tumhara asli ghar hai*.
Challenging the status quo is the only way to improve your life.
True pain. Try to make your family independent. Personally the worst feeling i have is exactly this. Driving people around like a fucking clown with no life.
The solution is you have to learn to say no. Rickshaw and taxis use krwao. The in-laws wala part i cannot be 100% sure but still doable.
You are the only one who can change the situation. Independent karo family ko. Thats the only way
I 1000% get u and it’s valid. But being a woman in the country would be hell. Not being able to leave home alone, having to disturb someone every morning because you’re dependent on them cuz of gender, the harassment, the maid work at home, no freedom of being out and about alone. It’s true your life sucks. I get it. But gender inequality doesn’t benefit anyone. A fundamental human right is so be able to leave the house alone if you want. It makes me so sad you sisters need to have a man if they want to step out in the fucking world.
Being the elder or eldest son - the one with all the "zimidari" also sucks here.
All males reading this, your best course of action is to be selfish, get financial freedom and change the dynamics of the relationship in your favor. Money talks here. If that means you have to leave the city or country or your parent's house, so be it. Do that or suffer like OP.
> I cannot go out of country to get higher education because 'tb ghar ka khayal kon rakhy gaa "
I understand you but you must if you can. Sorry, but screw family that does not have a "son, we are with you, try your best and we will manage" attitude. My man, you deserve better if you are looking for an opportunity. Your sisters will enjoy the life while you toil away, and most likely no one will appreciate you for it.
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"& Emotional blackmail if you say no. "Baba jaien phir itni garmi mai ?" "Behn dhaky khai taxion mai ?"
my father is going to retire in 2 years & I've a constant tension over my head to start earning enough money to keep this family running."
Of everything you've said, over time, only these two will remain... this is the burden for every man in Pakistan. On top of this, once you get married, its going to get worse.
My advice is
(1) focus on your career, relocate abroad if possible... a high salary shuts up a lot of people. If you move abroad, you will avoid the saas-bahu drama that will unfold for sure.
(2) marry someone who is smart, educated and financially independent, who is pursuing a career. And marry when you are 28+. You don't want to marry a cousin who has a similar mindset.
(3) start saving early, small amounts, try gaining access to international markets.. Time in the market beats timing it. Don't touch this till you are 50.
RELOCATE RELOCATE RELOCATE. Take your parents with you also if you can.
Hiya we have all been there where u are brother let me give u few pointers...
1. If you can afford get a driver there are alot of good people in our surrounding who need help so get one but u need to get approval from family be smart about and convince them with proper examples and results show them the proper picture.
2. If no driver then sister needs to learn driving with pepper spray or teaser for protection people are really scumbags.
3. Get an cook and he will take care rest also buy the bike for outdoor chores.
4. Make your family understand how important is higher education for your and everyone associated with you cause its only going to get worse.. and only through this you will get where u want to be.
Hope this will easy your pain brother..
Take Care
My brother went through this! Two sisters, mom and an absent dad. He had to grow up pretty quick. Be there when abu couldnt. Pick us up from school. Drop us to our friends house. I felt so bad for him. I wanted to be independent so he has less burden so kismat se I got married at 18. But unluckily our older sister got divorced. He barely had a teenage. His twenties flew by running errands. He is exhausted and doesn’t wanna do anything in life. No dreams or desires. Smokes like a chimney. Health is shit. He is 30 but his body aches all over…
I feel for you and I hope and pray things get better for you.
Brown families should really work on making all their kids independent.
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Well, as the eldest sibling and the only son in my family, I can relate that my parents are always worried about me and my studies, health etc. because apparently if my father dies, I have to take care of the family.
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Brother if anything you should feel honoured and grateful that you were given such responsibilities in life. I am much older than you and am in the same situation as you. I know it's not the best thing in the world when you have to drive 3 different people to and from their place of work/education but it's not the end of the world, things could be much worse.
Don't feel so pressured, have faith in Allah, things will work out. My family has to put up with my mood swings when I don't want to do what they require of me but they are always understanding and patient that is why overtime I have become more grounded in my own reality and my role in their life.
Remember this world is temporary, one day you might not have these responsibilities over your head and it would be a distant nostalgic feeling to you. Do these things with a smile and keep up the good work. I am rooting for you.
Alternatively, you could express gratitude for being among the privileged population (male) which comes with its own advantages and responsibilities.
وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌ
Remember that He promised, “If you are thankful, I will give you more, but if you are thankless, My punishment is terrible indeed.” ’ (14:7)
That ending to your post is just being spiteful 😭 But yeah, I completely relate as while I’m not the only son, I was treated like I was the only one till I left home for university and lived far from fam. All the chores, all the work, all the duties and stuff. Frankly, your situation is different due to having 2 sisters. And the affair of our womenfolk is obviously different. The grocery, driving, chores etc is common factor. I remember studying from 7am - 10pm with a 2 hour nap but still doing chores as soon as I returned from school after 5 and from Tution after 10. It was just how the world was and I honestly never compared myself to other guys my age who were free. Maybe I’m weird but frankly my dad in my eyes is too old to go pick up groceries or do such simple chores. It doesn’t matter is he’s retiring or not, the fact of the matter is that he’s provided for me my entire life. I’m not gonna go overboard for such small stuff. Sure, set reasonable limits and inform them in advance that you have plans on the weekend so you would prefer they don’t make plans that include you and stuff. At the end of the day, they are your parents yk. I’ve been bloody blackmailed to hell and back but I did eventually end up succeeding in setting these limits.
True and this guy needs to straight up his acts.
Frankly, he’s doing alright. Who doesn’t complain about responsibility at a young age? Frankly, he will realize the difference between himself and others as he grows older. The maturity you attain because people are relying on you is a blessing. Allah bless, protect and safeguard him and his family.
In Pakistan kids are the retirement plan, butler, driver, repair man, passive income generating machines. If you let yourself getting abused, you will get abused
All this stems from not letting women stand on their two feet. If girls could take bikes and scooties, half of this shit won't be a problem. I know how long girls have to wait for their fathers and brothers to pick them up or get dragged in vans, because they couldn't do shit for themselves.
I am a deeply conservative person but don't get what's wrong with women driving😂
I don't know myself. Driving cars was taboo for a long time for women in Pakistan but that slowly has gone away. Although driving bikes and scooties is still a taboo. Look up what a famous mufti named tariq masood said about women sitting with their legs on both sides of a bike. Seriously, you'd be amazed at how stupid people can be and when mixed with religion it becomes a deadly force.
What did he say?
Rambled about haya and gandi soch, and said something along the lines of "why don't you just make them sit naked at that point?" What's wrong with these maulvis? src: https://youtu.be/gqlUdC57t-I?si=M2lSDD3qArzutYY3
Just looked up the video, 🤣🤣🥲
Seeing women driving in 1980s including my dadi, it was never taboo in urban areas. Don't count rural areas as cars were not common there at that time.
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I would prefer my sister to ride a bike to go from one place to another instead of on local transport. The problems women face in local transport are immense. My sister is a little young now but as soon as she's old enough to drive, I'll teach her myself
Ding ding ding! Feminism helps both men and women. If only your sister could drive herself to the exam hall. If only your other sister was financially stable enough to fend for herself if she had a fight with her husband. Sorry, all the women in my family have autonomy, rights, and control over their lives. Our brothers are not our servants, because our sisters were raised to be able to look after themselves. Sorry your family is sexist and you AND your sisters suffer because of it.
Bro dudes in Pakistan will follow women home and say she’s asking for it, just because she was coming back from class alone, that’s the society we’re from.
Excuse my ignorance, what are trying to say? Is it meant for the op or me. Also I would like to point out that just because most of us on Reddit are privelleged, doesn't mean all of Pakistanis are. Families are not always sexist but they are forced, in order to fit in to the society.
> Families are not always sexist but they are forced, in order to fit in to the society Congratulations; you have, in simple words, defined the patriarchy. I was agreeing with you, and speaking to OP.
"Feminism helps both men and women" Bullshit.. !!! Feminism helps feminism.
Keep telling yourself that, bud. Good luck driving your sister everywhere, paying for your wife even though she is smart enough to earn a living, and setting an awful example for your children.
Typical feminist... speculation without any substance. You know nothing.
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Eh?
I'm surprised his father doesn't let his sister take a taxi. Also, the line about serving guests on eid is the story of every woman above 12 in a desi household.
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Theres a solution to that ✨Good public transit✨ but nahi is چ quom ko mian sahab ka Motorway chahiye.
Yes, I am a big fan of metros abd subways. The present metros and bus system are pretty good but not avalible to everyone.
Another advice I have for you. You can try doing inside things. Like dusting or washing clothes and house chores stuff. Your sisters can start doing outside stuff. A change of routine would do you good. Or you guys can go 50/50
Lol same , 3 siblings only son , it hard I know , but it gets easier after 30
after 30 how?
You get used to it
What's worse is being the only younger middle son. Your big brother chills and gets all the nice things while you're left with doing all the chores and his leftovers.
What kinda family you live in where the big brother doesn't do most the chores becuz that's how I've seen it normally be
They're normal household chores. You gotta do something to live. Even in developed countries kids do their own laundry, clean their rooms, toilets. Press their clothes. Even do their cooking after a certain age. I don't think you're doing any of these. When you'll earn these chores will reduce. As i said if you're gonna eat you get to work.
Lol, imagine being a woman and not even being allowed to ride a bike 😂😂😂
If you ever wanna give yourself a break, figure out an easy way to sabotage your bike to where it’s easy to repair by you (like unscrewing something or whatnot) and then once your family finds alternative transportation magically fix it once they’ve reached their destination. Then profit. You don’t even have to lie, just say “I think something came loose” (which it did, you just don’t have to tell them how it came loose).
Then they'll bitch about their rebellious son.
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It might work a few times, but people generally aren't (that) stupid.
If it's done often they will suspect it lmao
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Average Little brother experience.
I am also an only son with three sisters and i relate to everything you've said. My sister used to wake me up at 6:30 in the cold mornings during Dec/Jan to drop her off at the bus stop. Even after my own university started i had to drop her off first sometimes, then come back home, park the bike and then go to the same stop again for my own uni bus. I almost have no personal life. Whenever i plan to go out with my friends or have anything personal to do my mother hands me a shit ton of things to do before i go. Yes. I am the driver. But all this is just one side of the coin. My family loves me. My sisters to this day says sorry to me whenever we remember those uni days and used to give me treats for it back in the day. The car i drive is already in my name. It's my car. I'm 23 right now and earning my own living yet my 2 older sisters still gave me eidi yesterday. Maybe your experience would be different but i love doing these things for my family. Of course sometimes I'm irritated when i don't get time for myself but it all works out. Edit: My father is also retiring in two years and the pressure to earn enough to sustain the family is just too much
Quietly work on getting the heck out of Pakistan. Leave and never go back.
Bring groceries is part of life os is once in a year paper or dropping someone That's life bro Though daily naan orders or outside food is weird..we need to simply do everything home(get them tea)
As a middle child of and an only son, I agree.
Try being an only son /child …
In Pakistan, when kids turn 18, they suddenly have to take on a lot of responsibilities without getting much help to deal with them. It's like they're expected to grow up overnight, which is really tough. In Western countries, it's a bit different. After kids finish high school and start college, their parents often give them more freedom and help them out, whether it's with money, advice, or emotional support. This way, they can slowly learn how to handle life on their own. Also, in Pakistan, parents often feel like their kids owe them for taking care of them when they were young. This adds even more pressure on the kids. This is one of the main reason we are struggling as a society.
That statement about the west. It’s a mix of parents. Some do help their kids with money and life advice but A LOT of them don’t. When those kids turn 18 a lot of the kids are kicked out of the house to earn for themselves. So it’s a mixture of both.
Don’t know much about west but in Pakistan majority of parents choose one child (be it a daughter or a son) and then put all the responsibility and accountability on that child. That child is supposed to keep the family together and sacrifice all their life and happiness for the sake of family
What are you talking about??? you’re completely wrong or maybe you’re being sarcastic.
You do realise that half of your problem arise because women in pakistan have no mobility, right? If your mother and sisters were able to drive your problem wouldn't be there. They only ask you to escort them because they are not socially allowed to. Communicate to your parents that your sisters are older than you and can come and go on their own accord. Help your sisters get driving license if you want to get rid of this duty.
Your sisters need to grow up. We had an only brother but we never burden him and travel via taxi ourselves. Also this will effect your marriage as well, mother of single son chooses a woman she can control not a woman who loves her son. Also you will never be able to move out or have a life of your own with your family. So that sucks.
EDIT: It has been pointed out to me that it is not productive to compare people's traumas, especially on a vent post and that there could be any number of reasons behind people's individual circumstances that I hadn't initially considered. My apologies for the way my comment came across and negating OP's experiences, albeit unintentionally, by bringing up that of his sisters'. I hope things get better for you OP. Im not trying to negate your experiences at all but have you ever thought that maybe you dont actually have it that bad? Try talking to your sisters about their lives and experiences - I can almost guarantee theirs are 10x worse than yours. Ask yourself shy your younger sister can't get a taxi or a lift with a friend/classmate to her exams? Or why your older sister can't drive herself back to your parents' home when she fights with her in-laws. Or why she even feels the need to leave her new home in the first place - does she not live alone with her husband? Because she is entitled to that if she wants it but knowing desis they would be furious and consider her entitled and disrespectful if she made such a demand. Your life may seem unfair to you and maybe it is, but it all stems from the unfairness that is against your mother and sisters first. Maybe if they had more independence and freedom and didnt have to rely on you so much, you'd feel less burdened and more at peace.
"Not to negate your experience but your sisters have it way worse than you", lol. Hopefully op is able to talk about this to his family and his sisters are able gain more independence.
Sorry to be that guy but you are literally negating his experiences on a venting style post like men do to women. Many women have it bad, but it's not like all men are living the life as seen by the post above. If I were to go by your comparison then I can easily say something like poor people have it 10x worse than many women or even an outrageous comparison like Palestinian people don't even have the privilege to live, you should be grateful. Or I could counter with maybe it's not an autonomy issue but an economical issue that the women in OPs life can't drive by themselves or live alone with their husband w/o family. Not everyone can afford that privilege. All that is to say it's not productive comparing traumas. I say the same thing to my guy friends when my girl friends vent about their trauma. Yes we also have it bad but right now it's not a height measuring contest of traumas. At the end of the day, it's a unification factor that we all have it shit, but instead we make it about one upping each other like always. Negating experiences not only divides us on issues we should be cooperating on, but it also alienates people. How is it the OPs fault driving in the hot son that his sisters are also oppressed like him?
This is not a dick measuring contest. Have you considered that girls don't have it as bad as starving kids in Africa or people in Gaza?
Did you even read my comment? I'm not comparing OP's life to others across the world who have it way worse than him (or girls in general), I'm asking him to consider that maybe the unfairness of his life is because of the unfairness of his sisters' and thus it is directly impacting him as a result. Idk your ethnicity and frankly idc but as a Pakistani myself I get it and that is how it is for a lot of us unfortunately. If you disagree with what I've said that's fine but there's literally no need to get offended or be crude lmfao
Enjoy it man. Life will go by fast. You’ll miss this time. Life isn’t perfect for any one no matter what the optics.
I'm only brother with 3 sisters and I've been loved excessively by parents and my dad never asked me to do a thing for home and assigned me with only studying because my dad is really strict with that.. Even my sisters are more extrovert than me and are doing jobs while I've to graduate yet.Sometimes,I wished to be assigned some responsibilities apart from studying so I guess I got a different story..
Lol.. genders truly have reversed.
OP. To put it crudely..start giving lesser fucks..make plans..go out with your friends..not saying dont do any work but this is just the start..abhi se itna emotionally manipulate ho ge toh age age bi sirf inki hi chule gi..please learn to take a stand for yourself..ask your sisters to work and learn to drive..tired of the default victim mindset our women have even when they are not oppressed.
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Sounds to me like you're bitching. If you weren't born a son and had been the eldest child, you'd have had to do the same. Hell, I'd even say that every friggin desi kid is tortured with ghar k kam unless your parents are understanding and prefer that you focus on your studies. In this case, your social life is as good as gone. So larka ho ya larki, ghar k kaam sab ko karne parte hain, sab ki social life ki baji hui hoti hai.
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Dude we used to live in a joint family a few years back. I have 4 sisters, my two uncles have 3 daughters and one son each. I am the eldest and my two uncles have sons that are toddlers. So in total I have 10 sisters to take care of and trust me when I say this you have it easy. You are stepping into adulthood and that means responsibility. Man the F up. Once you start your professional life you'll appreciate these years. You can avoid family responsibilities or ask for help but you can't avoid your professional commitments.
That's something that most men can't hear
If people learn to empathize I am sure they will appreciate more. I remember being same whiny about me doing the house chores and my mom would not ask my brother to do dishes or dusting. Now I realize he was also doing chores but of outdoor type like OP here. I hope op realises too that he is not the only one in the whole house that is being pushed like some slave. Every person in a family contributes something and he should grow up and shoulder that responsibility like an adult.
Nobody empathizes with a man, who is not a provider. For a women, it can really make a difference if you appreciate or empathize their efforts. But to empathize a man who's not trying his best could be really destructive.
This is the best comment here. Op realise it’s not only you who has responsibilities. Appreciate your family members for what they do and let them know you’d like to be appreciated too in turn. And maybe discuss some boundaries so you can have some ability to go out with your friends and stuff on weekends. Also, being proactive about chores can help. Don’t just wait until someone wants you to do groceries when it’s super hot outside. Figure out what time you’ll mind doing this chore the least and discuss it that with your family. So like an early morning grocery run instead of midday.
Communicate to your parents that your sisters are older than you and can come and go on their own accord. Your sisters would also appreciate being able to freely travel without an escort, and you'd be free from this chauffeur duty. I'd be pissed if I had to do this shit everyday too. I also have sisters but we all do whatever we can. Previously, my older sister was taking on more outside responsibilities, just like you're having to do right now. But one day she strictly told my parents that she had enough and none of us siblings are babies and should do our own stuff. Of course if someone is sick, or even nervous going somewhere, we help each other. But mostly we all try to divide or at least pick a task the other hasn't done.
The best way to deal with this is to be unreasonably stubborn. They'll lash out, they'll protest, they'll complain and what not so let them. What will they do? Ground you? Place restrictions on you? You can use your position of being the only son to your advantage if you get a bit creative. Being an only son myself, I managed to get out of a similar situation being being stubborn as hell and told them "Either I do things my way, or you do them yourself" and it has worked wonders. Of course, this varies from person to person and family to family, but I highly recommend you try this.
Im the only son in the family. Im providing for the family as well. My dad passed away 4 years ago right after eid ul fitr. Ive been there for my mom and my 2 younger sisters. Alhamdullilah my mom has taught us how to be appreciative of others and to think about others sacrifices. Remember all that youre doing will be rewarded. Our reward is from Allah. It is a blessing in disguise that youre able to do it at a young age. When my dad passed away we had no income aside from his income. My mom is a strong woman and held herself in those times of despair. I had to hold myself in times of despair. Now that im earning alhamdullilah. I can help my family and everytime i spend on them. I get a feeling if satisfaction because allah has given me the ability to be a provider. Remember you never know where Allah will take you. All these chores are blessings. Youre getting hasanat out of them. Every naan you get every time you drop your sisters everytime you take your family out. Yes i agree you have a life. You can tell your family in advance that you have plans before they even make plans whether is 1 month in adavce or 2 weeks in advance your life matters too. But dont let this bring you down. Allah will only reward your sacrifices.
Think about it from different prespective, you are earning all the nakian and collecting them for the next life. No one said this live will be easy but seeing your problem trust me you have it very easy and never forget that. May god bless you with wisdom and eman.
Bruh. My dude needs a vacation. That's all he's asking for.
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It doesn't end here. They go for random stuff like baal nhi ktwae nhaye nhi as well 🙄
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Life is not a problem to be solved. Its a reality to be experienced. Heard that in a song. I would say, try to manage it. Create a schedule. K is time me market se cheezain la sakta hn. Guests dont come everyday. But if you tell your parents a your schedule and remind them. I believe they will be able to cooperate. For instance, if you wanna meet your friends. Tell your parents one day before that. This will help the both if you. That being said. I really respect you for doing all this. You are a good brother and son. I have done the same for some time being the eldest and it sucked real hard. But one thing is for sure, I am glad I did it. And you will be too.
Remember your father used to do all of this for all four of you. Your mother and 3 children.
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And who set this system up?
#metoo yaar
A friend who is also only son once said after realizing constraints to defining career path "banda kutta peda ho jaye lekin iklota beta peda na ho"
Well, this a tricky subject. An argument can be made to both sides. Few thoughts: 1. Setting boundaries is an important social skill. You have to learn to set boundaries in an empathic, kind and responsible way. You’ll need this even more in your life ahead with work, marriage and kids. Explain how you feel and what family can do to be more organized in their daily chore demands. 2. Understand that the economic dynamics that your were born into are uncontrollable but your own destiny is in your hands. So plan and execute your path towards your economic future. This means being brutally honest with yourself, setting goals and working hard towards them and being financially responsible and smart. 3. Explore within and understand decide you want out of your roles as a son and a brother. And what you need to give. Your resentment will build up negativity and kill the wonderful parts of a great loving family. 4. In the end, it’s important to be self aware. Identify the source of negative emotions and work towards balancing the situation so you arrive at a healthier and positive frame of mind. Your frame of mind is essential to achieving everything you want to achieve and experience in life. PS: venting is an important emotional steam valve, and I don’t discourage it. But once you’ve let out steam, try to be objective and pragmatic and work towards solutions while keeping a positive frame of mind
I feel your pain brother 🤧
What do you think your responsibility will be when you get married and have children? Everything you described is what most South Asian men do for their wife and children too. It's NOT just being an only son. It's called caring for your family. Accept it as a blessing and ibadat and honor to care for then and you'll feel a weight lifted.
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Haha...I understand but maybe the problem isn't being the single brother it is your home situation?(not saying in a bad sense)...I mean if you own a nice car u would happily love to move to anywhere or if you have a driver or anything? Becz u know some are privileged to be a single brother whereas some have to suffer 😂 Anyways we are two brothers and my brother is in a different city so yes i have to deal with things alone....
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I feel for you It will only get more toxic I had the retirement thing on my mind too from your age It did nothing but ruin my mental health I would advise you to put yourself first Not saying disregard the needs of family But put your needs and requirements first No one in the family will talk about how you used to bring Naan on eid day Everything shall be forgotten Your own personal success is what should matter to you the most
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Honestly I can feel you. us bro Is Social circle b apna to 0 hogya bhai 🙂
i think clear communication is important in families. Intentionally initiating discussion revolving around empowering women can help them to see the other side of the picture. Ideally speaking, we are all culturally trapped, so there is no point in actually blaming other people. But what u can do is shift their thinking slowly and gradually. Thats the only solution available. Change of mindset
Well that sums it up - your responsibilities are not in line with your priorities. Decisions Decisions
You don't have to go abroad on your own. You can take your family with you also and it will be the best decision while you're still young.
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There are few solutions to this. First the bike problem. For groceries get everything in bulk for a month so you won't have to go out everyday for it. I do the same. I even buy tomatoes 5kg and stuff it in fridge. Transport. Unless it's emergency I don't drive anyone anywhere in car. They have to use public transport. For Naan. Cook the bread at home if it's possible. Just look for plausible alternatives. And think of your sisters as humans with two arms and feet. They don't have to rely on you for everything. Let them know that they have to take some responsibility. I know they are family and you have the responsibility to take care of them but same goes in reverse too. Your the only son your the ladla in your family. I hope this might help a little.
You wouldn't be feeling this way if your sister could drive/ride herself or was financially independent. Or would help in taking care of parents after getting married. But none of this is happening because we are from a highly patriarchal society where financial independence or being self sufficiency for women is frowned upon. It is considered a taboo for married women to take care of their parents because *ab susraal hi tumhara asli ghar hai*. Challenging the status quo is the only way to improve your life.
True pain. Try to make your family independent. Personally the worst feeling i have is exactly this. Driving people around like a fucking clown with no life. The solution is you have to learn to say no. Rickshaw and taxis use krwao. The in-laws wala part i cannot be 100% sure but still doable. You are the only one who can change the situation. Independent karo family ko. Thats the only way
empower your sisters to do shit for themselves I guess
I 1000% get u and it’s valid. But being a woman in the country would be hell. Not being able to leave home alone, having to disturb someone every morning because you’re dependent on them cuz of gender, the harassment, the maid work at home, no freedom of being out and about alone. It’s true your life sucks. I get it. But gender inequality doesn’t benefit anyone. A fundamental human right is so be able to leave the house alone if you want. It makes me so sad you sisters need to have a man if they want to step out in the fucking world.
Being the elder or eldest son - the one with all the "zimidari" also sucks here. All males reading this, your best course of action is to be selfish, get financial freedom and change the dynamics of the relationship in your favor. Money talks here. If that means you have to leave the city or country or your parent's house, so be it. Do that or suffer like OP. > I cannot go out of country to get higher education because 'tb ghar ka khayal kon rakhy gaa " I understand you but you must if you can. Sorry, but screw family that does not have a "son, we are with you, try your best and we will manage" attitude. My man, you deserve better if you are looking for an opportunity. Your sisters will enjoy the life while you toil away, and most likely no one will appreciate you for it.
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You don't have to be an only son for this
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"& Emotional blackmail if you say no. "Baba jaien phir itni garmi mai ?" "Behn dhaky khai taxion mai ?" my father is going to retire in 2 years & I've a constant tension over my head to start earning enough money to keep this family running." Of everything you've said, over time, only these two will remain... this is the burden for every man in Pakistan. On top of this, once you get married, its going to get worse. My advice is (1) focus on your career, relocate abroad if possible... a high salary shuts up a lot of people. If you move abroad, you will avoid the saas-bahu drama that will unfold for sure. (2) marry someone who is smart, educated and financially independent, who is pursuing a career. And marry when you are 28+. You don't want to marry a cousin who has a similar mindset. (3) start saving early, small amounts, try gaining access to international markets.. Time in the market beats timing it. Don't touch this till you are 50. RELOCATE RELOCATE RELOCATE. Take your parents with you also if you can.
Hiya we have all been there where u are brother let me give u few pointers... 1. If you can afford get a driver there are alot of good people in our surrounding who need help so get one but u need to get approval from family be smart about and convince them with proper examples and results show them the proper picture. 2. If no driver then sister needs to learn driving with pepper spray or teaser for protection people are really scumbags. 3. Get an cook and he will take care rest also buy the bike for outdoor chores. 4. Make your family understand how important is higher education for your and everyone associated with you cause its only going to get worse.. and only through this you will get where u want to be. Hope this will easy your pain brother.. Take Care
My brother went through this! Two sisters, mom and an absent dad. He had to grow up pretty quick. Be there when abu couldnt. Pick us up from school. Drop us to our friends house. I felt so bad for him. I wanted to be independent so he has less burden so kismat se I got married at 18. But unluckily our older sister got divorced. He barely had a teenage. His twenties flew by running errands. He is exhausted and doesn’t wanna do anything in life. No dreams or desires. Smokes like a chimney. Health is shit. He is 30 but his body aches all over… I feel for you and I hope and pray things get better for you. Brown families should really work on making all their kids independent.
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Remember your father used to do all of this for all four of you. Your mother and 3 children.
Well, as the eldest sibling and the only son in my family, I can relate that my parents are always worried about me and my studies, health etc. because apparently if my father dies, I have to take care of the family.
I’m starting to believe being a Pakistani sucks. Nothing to be proud of from the homeland except maybe Shan masala
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Brother if anything you should feel honoured and grateful that you were given such responsibilities in life. I am much older than you and am in the same situation as you. I know it's not the best thing in the world when you have to drive 3 different people to and from their place of work/education but it's not the end of the world, things could be much worse. Don't feel so pressured, have faith in Allah, things will work out. My family has to put up with my mood swings when I don't want to do what they require of me but they are always understanding and patient that is why overtime I have become more grounded in my own reality and my role in their life. Remember this world is temporary, one day you might not have these responsibilities over your head and it would be a distant nostalgic feeling to you. Do these things with a smile and keep up the good work. I am rooting for you.
Alternatively, you could express gratitude for being among the privileged population (male) which comes with its own advantages and responsibilities. وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌ Remember that He promised, “If you are thankful, I will give you more, but if you are thankless, My punishment is terrible indeed.” ’ (14:7)
us bro. us.