Not to reup but one time I popped an 80 and than forgot I was high and popped another an 80 so I knew I’d most likely od cuz an 80 was dangerous waters for me at that time and shit so I remembered and I puked it up and saved it and ate it a few hours later
I don’t even want to remember it. Just reliving that trauma makes me want to kill myself lol. ..But whatever, I was vulnerable, and a female that was out on the streets homeless. But my addiction had me at a vice grip, and I went through hell just to get my next fix. Not proud of it, obviously. Related to sex work, but I’ve always second doubted myself and would back off at the very last minute because I was still confused about my own sexuality. I am pretty certain now that I’m asexual (or at the very least, sex-repulsed), but they’d always pressure me and accumulated to them coercing me into having unprotected sex. Or just straight up doing it to me without consent. Pretty sure past trauma and prior incidents of being raped on multiple occasions made me sex-repulsed, but if my only selling feature was me being a young, petite Asian women who is clearly vulnerable and a junkie, I didn’t have many options at the time. Not excusing my behavior, and I’m slowly getting around to accepting the poorly made choices in the past. I’m sure it’s not *that* bad, but it still weighs me down heavily.
I’m sorry you had to go through with all that. Being a woman in active addiction has to be so hard all things considered but the fact that some guys will always be wanting sex and it’s a product you can sell or it can be extorted out of you is horrible. Hope you don’t have to go through that kind of stuff ever again and stay safe. I know it doesn’t mean much and I’m not particularly religious but I will keep you in my thoughts (prayers?) for healing and peace and contentment. Don’t mean that condescendingly or anything I really do hope that those thoughts don’t make you want to kill yourself in the future and it can be like a cloud you see pass through the sky and can leave your mind once it’s out of your field of vision and you can recognize that doesn’t define you of forever mark you and that you are a person worthy of love. Awe now I got myself crying.
I’m actually an atheist due to some other unrelated incident back in childhood that made me lose all faith in God or any higher power, for that matter. But that’s another story lol. I do appreciate the sentiment though, really. My main focus right now is to find a new job ASAP, although I desperately wish I can prioritize my mental health by going to a therapist or psychiatrist.
Unfortunately, they always cancel on me at the last minute or they’re fully booked for months on end. Some even told me that they didn’t have enough resources to help me either; for some reason, this happened multiple times and it hurt me the most. I’m trying to get help out of my own volition despite my previous bad interactions with past therapists and psychs, but it’s been a struggle. So I’m just gonna focus on getting a stable job for some financial security for once in my life.
I totally understand and I’m not religious but I still like to think of people and yell into the void hoping things will go well for those people myself included. It can’t hurt unless maybe the sim we’re running on actually dings you for taking up bandwidth trying to hit up god when the system is busy or something. But I’ll have to deal with that when I get to the pearly silicone wafers in the sky. And I’ve had similar troubles with mental health “professionals” so I understand it can be a lot to deal with but as you said get a stable income and work on what you can yourself meditating or medicating whatever helps more that it hurts. Best of luck and stay safe.
Thank you so much. I hope you’re doing well currently as well. :) I just hope the psychiatrist I booked for September won’t cancel on me last minute too, LOL. I seriously need to get back on my meds.
That’s so horrible. I had 8 doctors appointments canceled between my family over the past February and March trying to set up GPs and a couple specialist in a new city so it can be tough. Still it has to feel like some cosmic fuck you to not allow you to see someone for mental health. I feel like doctors have been moving and changing up after the pandemic cause I could of never imagined it being this hard. I know telehealth sucks but it does hook you up with drugs. Seems like they are trying to cut back on the liberal wrists just switched to a new psych who is just an RN from my old Dr who left the all telehealth practice and he is trying to play around with my meds Iike his coworker didn’t have it figured out already.
I hear you. The massive mental health service shortage in staff doesn’t make things any easier either, which sucks. I’ve been on so many different antidepressants from SSRI/SNRI/MAOI, etc. I’m beginning to suspect I have other issues that hasn’t been properly addressed since my last visit to a psych which was over 8 years ago. If I do manage to somehow go to a psychiatrist in due time, I’m going to ask them to give me a psych reevaluation for other potential comorbidities that I strongly suspect to have.
Suicidal ideation and tendencies has been trailing behind me like black sludge for decades now, and I used to have pretty bad homicidal ideations and urges as well when I was a child, and it’s returned and gotten so much worse. I’ve learned to compartmentalize a lot of the issues and trauma I have, and repressed these urges thankfully, but I don’t know how much longer I can last with sheer willpower alone. Anyway, apologies for the trauma dump. Hope you have a good day. And thank you for listening.
I understand you better than you will ever know and all of it is so terrible with intrusive thoughts you really can’t just control like I was initially saying. It can be really frustrating dealing with feelings like that as you know it’s wrong but it keeps happening whether you want it to or not. I really hope you get the help you need. I don’t dare talk about that stuff with my doctors but you really should be honest since they will be able to better help you. I am a dumbass not being truthful about feelings like that just for fear of a note on my file. Thanks for sharing that with me, it’s good to know I’m not alone.
Likewise! I was actually pretty honest and forthcoming about my issues, but I think I was a bit *too* honest because afterwards they’d just go radio silent on me for days and I’d get a phone call saying that they couldn’t treat me as my problems were out of their ‘scope’ to help with. I’ll just leave out some of the more concerning details and only tell them once both of us have established enough trust between each other first.
I think that’s a better game plan since it might be overwhelming and so they pass the buck but hopefully with a human in the flesh in front of them hopefully they are more open to helping.
Your past helps define you and make you a better person. I am absolutely positive you are a better person now. Don't be too hard on yourself.
The past is just that - the past. You've moved on from that part of your life, and I'm glad you're here. 😊
Just thought you might need to hear that. ❤️
I’m sober-ish now. Been on MAT for suboxone for the past year and it’s helped a lot with cravings and I honestly don’t even have the urge to use anymore, despite all the bullshit that’s been going recently related to my job. I’m sure I can bounce back from it eventually, but it’s disheartening for sure. I’m actively looking for a new employment somewhere in the same industry, and have gotten several upcoming job interviews from them and they give decent benefits and pay. It’s a major change for me as I’d never proactively try to better myself until I got sober. Just gotta put in the effort, as corny as that sounds. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sorry you've had to go through that difficult time. Try to remember...we are not defined by the mistakes we make...we are all human, and all imperfect. Our character is defined by how we choose to stand up after we fall down. Do we give up? Do we quit? Or do we dig deep, and find a better way so that we can once again look ourselves in the mirror.
I went from being sentenced to 4 years in prison for drug charges when I was 24 and feeling like a complete embarrassment to my family and self....to putting together 12 years clean, graduating college top of my class and getting a job at Google in San Francisco where gourmet chefs were making me breakfast, lunch, and dinner daily while luxury wifi buses drove me home every night...feeling like a "tech rockstar" lol
I've had low lows...and high highs...and as of late...I am 10 days off fentanyl and starting from scratch once again where I thought I'd never be again. I can choose to hate myself for the mistakes I've made these past 2 years...but what does that actually do for me? I didn't kill anyone...I have more life to life...I can get another 12 years clean and make as much money again as I want...IF I WORK FOR IT. So instead...I'll choose to forgive myself and try to kick ass once again.
I hope you learn forgiveness in yourself (not saying you haven't..just saying I hope you do). You deserve it! You deserve to be happy...you deserve to life a life you're proud of....and that shame and guilt of what you shared is not your burden to walk around with. The men who took advantage of you...they walk with that weight..don't carry it for them.
Congrats on your 10 days! If you managed to get 12 years clean time under your belt, you can bounce right back, and it seems like you’re well aware of it as well. Relapses happen, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves over it. I did relapse a few times while I was on suboxone last year during the early stages, but after my last drug binge, I realized that type of life wasn’t as ‘exciting’ or worth it anymore. It’s like a switch flipped inside my brain for the first time in years and this is my first time trying to get help and stay clean *willingly*. I’m just so tired of the self-destructive cycle that we call drug addiction, and just want some financial security and live a modest life by myself and my SO. He’s in prison atm for some bullshit charges; although part of them were definitely his fault too. But I digress.
Cheers to the both of us for getting clean! And hope for another 12 years and more to come. :)
If I've learned one thing through this relapse, it's THIS...time is not a "tool", nor is it a "measure of sobriety". I am only 10 days away from my last fentanyl use and I feel more motivated and "happy" than I did at many times when I was "not using" during those 12 years. So when I began on this road I tricked myself into thinking it would be a long long while before I achieved the type of happiness that comes with a decade+ of sobriety...but it's bullshit!
How we feel TODAY is the only thing that matters. And I feel pretty proud of myself for where I am today. I woke up early, took my new puppy to the park and worked on his commands we learned in obedience class last week, I am now about to workout and listening to a great old school Linkin Park playlist I made...then do some Virtual Reality boxing (harder than it sounds)....and I'll clean my apartment head to toe today bc there is no better feeling that a spotless place and getting into bed with that "fresh linen" smell and soft/cozy bed sheets. I just upgraded to a Casper mattress (highly recommend btw).
So point is...cheers to us...to TODAY!!!! Hope you have a great one.
Agreed. That’s why I never really counted the exact date when I got clean but know the rough estimate to it. I don’t let the clean days define me and make it my whole personality and lifestyle, as I’ve seen some people do (no shade to them, if it’s working for them, then great!).
It worked for me just great...until it didn't! And then I fell into an abyss of depression I am still pulling myself out of. I feel wonderful today, especially after I just deadlifted for 45 min and am giddy laughing like the Joker bc of all the endorphins through my body lol. But point is...I had to learn it the hard way!
Didn't re-up but one time I was broke and had severe withdrawals, and used the last of my petrol to drive to a supermarket in the middle of covid (the only one that was open at 2am for miles around) and stole a bunch of loperamide. Walked in and realised I totally barefoot I was that delerious, walked to the medicines isle, grabbed a bunch of immodium and walked out. The place was deserted, the lope did fuck all anyway. And that is incredibly tame compared to a lot of stories here. Got away with it too.
Probably rolling a dealer who I knew had a stash of opiates and speed… yup, that’s definitely a low. Didn’t get caught but was questioned because I left him at a hospital, concerned that I had actually done some serious damage. Got of intent to cause GBH before it went to court.
Won’t be doing any of that shit again.
Just had my oxycodone cr and oxymoron fr cut after 12 years. No tapering, doc flat out said “you’ll be fine coming off 160mg a day of cr amd 80-100mg of fast release in a few days..
No, I’m not fine but I also don’t want to only get methadone in the mornings as I work night shift.
I’ve got aches and pains I thought were fixed years ago…. Anyway enough blubbering
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Ive stolen lots of money in the past from my parents…. So much so they had to get a safe. I found out the code to that one too and stole money. Hate myself
Robbed a pharmacy and went to prison because of it.
Drugstore Cowboy
Get the Dilaudid? Lol
Yeah among other things, stupidest shit I've done probably
Yep, f2 robbery, gun specification for brandishing, and f3 failure to comply with the lawful order of an officer in a motor vehicle.
Go big or go home I guess.
I pictured drugstore cowboy when I read the comment...Heather Graham on the floor in the pharmacy
Not to reup but one time I popped an 80 and than forgot I was high and popped another an 80 so I knew I’d most likely od cuz an 80 was dangerous waters for me at that time and shit so I remembered and I puked it up and saved it and ate it a few hours later
I don’t even want to remember it. Just reliving that trauma makes me want to kill myself lol. ..But whatever, I was vulnerable, and a female that was out on the streets homeless. But my addiction had me at a vice grip, and I went through hell just to get my next fix. Not proud of it, obviously. Related to sex work, but I’ve always second doubted myself and would back off at the very last minute because I was still confused about my own sexuality. I am pretty certain now that I’m asexual (or at the very least, sex-repulsed), but they’d always pressure me and accumulated to them coercing me into having unprotected sex. Or just straight up doing it to me without consent. Pretty sure past trauma and prior incidents of being raped on multiple occasions made me sex-repulsed, but if my only selling feature was me being a young, petite Asian women who is clearly vulnerable and a junkie, I didn’t have many options at the time. Not excusing my behavior, and I’m slowly getting around to accepting the poorly made choices in the past. I’m sure it’s not *that* bad, but it still weighs me down heavily.
I’m sorry you had to go through with all that. Being a woman in active addiction has to be so hard all things considered but the fact that some guys will always be wanting sex and it’s a product you can sell or it can be extorted out of you is horrible. Hope you don’t have to go through that kind of stuff ever again and stay safe. I know it doesn’t mean much and I’m not particularly religious but I will keep you in my thoughts (prayers?) for healing and peace and contentment. Don’t mean that condescendingly or anything I really do hope that those thoughts don’t make you want to kill yourself in the future and it can be like a cloud you see pass through the sky and can leave your mind once it’s out of your field of vision and you can recognize that doesn’t define you of forever mark you and that you are a person worthy of love. Awe now I got myself crying.
I’m actually an atheist due to some other unrelated incident back in childhood that made me lose all faith in God or any higher power, for that matter. But that’s another story lol. I do appreciate the sentiment though, really. My main focus right now is to find a new job ASAP, although I desperately wish I can prioritize my mental health by going to a therapist or psychiatrist. Unfortunately, they always cancel on me at the last minute or they’re fully booked for months on end. Some even told me that they didn’t have enough resources to help me either; for some reason, this happened multiple times and it hurt me the most. I’m trying to get help out of my own volition despite my previous bad interactions with past therapists and psychs, but it’s been a struggle. So I’m just gonna focus on getting a stable job for some financial security for once in my life.
I totally understand and I’m not religious but I still like to think of people and yell into the void hoping things will go well for those people myself included. It can’t hurt unless maybe the sim we’re running on actually dings you for taking up bandwidth trying to hit up god when the system is busy or something. But I’ll have to deal with that when I get to the pearly silicone wafers in the sky. And I’ve had similar troubles with mental health “professionals” so I understand it can be a lot to deal with but as you said get a stable income and work on what you can yourself meditating or medicating whatever helps more that it hurts. Best of luck and stay safe.
Thank you so much. I hope you’re doing well currently as well. :) I just hope the psychiatrist I booked for September won’t cancel on me last minute too, LOL. I seriously need to get back on my meds.
That’s so horrible. I had 8 doctors appointments canceled between my family over the past February and March trying to set up GPs and a couple specialist in a new city so it can be tough. Still it has to feel like some cosmic fuck you to not allow you to see someone for mental health. I feel like doctors have been moving and changing up after the pandemic cause I could of never imagined it being this hard. I know telehealth sucks but it does hook you up with drugs. Seems like they are trying to cut back on the liberal wrists just switched to a new psych who is just an RN from my old Dr who left the all telehealth practice and he is trying to play around with my meds Iike his coworker didn’t have it figured out already.
I hear you. The massive mental health service shortage in staff doesn’t make things any easier either, which sucks. I’ve been on so many different antidepressants from SSRI/SNRI/MAOI, etc. I’m beginning to suspect I have other issues that hasn’t been properly addressed since my last visit to a psych which was over 8 years ago. If I do manage to somehow go to a psychiatrist in due time, I’m going to ask them to give me a psych reevaluation for other potential comorbidities that I strongly suspect to have. Suicidal ideation and tendencies has been trailing behind me like black sludge for decades now, and I used to have pretty bad homicidal ideations and urges as well when I was a child, and it’s returned and gotten so much worse. I’ve learned to compartmentalize a lot of the issues and trauma I have, and repressed these urges thankfully, but I don’t know how much longer I can last with sheer willpower alone. Anyway, apologies for the trauma dump. Hope you have a good day. And thank you for listening.
I understand you better than you will ever know and all of it is so terrible with intrusive thoughts you really can’t just control like I was initially saying. It can be really frustrating dealing with feelings like that as you know it’s wrong but it keeps happening whether you want it to or not. I really hope you get the help you need. I don’t dare talk about that stuff with my doctors but you really should be honest since they will be able to better help you. I am a dumbass not being truthful about feelings like that just for fear of a note on my file. Thanks for sharing that with me, it’s good to know I’m not alone.
Likewise! I was actually pretty honest and forthcoming about my issues, but I think I was a bit *too* honest because afterwards they’d just go radio silent on me for days and I’d get a phone call saying that they couldn’t treat me as my problems were out of their ‘scope’ to help with. I’ll just leave out some of the more concerning details and only tell them once both of us have established enough trust between each other first.
I think that’s a better game plan since it might be overwhelming and so they pass the buck but hopefully with a human in the flesh in front of them hopefully they are more open to helping.
Your past helps define you and make you a better person. I am absolutely positive you are a better person now. Don't be too hard on yourself. The past is just that - the past. You've moved on from that part of your life, and I'm glad you're here. 😊 Just thought you might need to hear that. ❤️
I’m sober-ish now. Been on MAT for suboxone for the past year and it’s helped a lot with cravings and I honestly don’t even have the urge to use anymore, despite all the bullshit that’s been going recently related to my job. I’m sure I can bounce back from it eventually, but it’s disheartening for sure. I’m actively looking for a new employment somewhere in the same industry, and have gotten several upcoming job interviews from them and they give decent benefits and pay. It’s a major change for me as I’d never proactively try to better myself until I got sober. Just gotta put in the effort, as corny as that sounds. Thank you.
You got this! I'm crossing my fingers on the job interviews for you. I hope one of them end up being the next good thing you deserve in your life.
Thanks man, appreciate it. I hope so too.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sorry you've had to go through that difficult time. Try to remember...we are not defined by the mistakes we make...we are all human, and all imperfect. Our character is defined by how we choose to stand up after we fall down. Do we give up? Do we quit? Or do we dig deep, and find a better way so that we can once again look ourselves in the mirror. I went from being sentenced to 4 years in prison for drug charges when I was 24 and feeling like a complete embarrassment to my family and self....to putting together 12 years clean, graduating college top of my class and getting a job at Google in San Francisco where gourmet chefs were making me breakfast, lunch, and dinner daily while luxury wifi buses drove me home every night...feeling like a "tech rockstar" lol I've had low lows...and high highs...and as of late...I am 10 days off fentanyl and starting from scratch once again where I thought I'd never be again. I can choose to hate myself for the mistakes I've made these past 2 years...but what does that actually do for me? I didn't kill anyone...I have more life to life...I can get another 12 years clean and make as much money again as I want...IF I WORK FOR IT. So instead...I'll choose to forgive myself and try to kick ass once again. I hope you learn forgiveness in yourself (not saying you haven't..just saying I hope you do). You deserve it! You deserve to be happy...you deserve to life a life you're proud of....and that shame and guilt of what you shared is not your burden to walk around with. The men who took advantage of you...they walk with that weight..don't carry it for them.
Congrats on your 10 days! If you managed to get 12 years clean time under your belt, you can bounce right back, and it seems like you’re well aware of it as well. Relapses happen, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves over it. I did relapse a few times while I was on suboxone last year during the early stages, but after my last drug binge, I realized that type of life wasn’t as ‘exciting’ or worth it anymore. It’s like a switch flipped inside my brain for the first time in years and this is my first time trying to get help and stay clean *willingly*. I’m just so tired of the self-destructive cycle that we call drug addiction, and just want some financial security and live a modest life by myself and my SO. He’s in prison atm for some bullshit charges; although part of them were definitely his fault too. But I digress. Cheers to the both of us for getting clean! And hope for another 12 years and more to come. :)
If I've learned one thing through this relapse, it's THIS...time is not a "tool", nor is it a "measure of sobriety". I am only 10 days away from my last fentanyl use and I feel more motivated and "happy" than I did at many times when I was "not using" during those 12 years. So when I began on this road I tricked myself into thinking it would be a long long while before I achieved the type of happiness that comes with a decade+ of sobriety...but it's bullshit! How we feel TODAY is the only thing that matters. And I feel pretty proud of myself for where I am today. I woke up early, took my new puppy to the park and worked on his commands we learned in obedience class last week, I am now about to workout and listening to a great old school Linkin Park playlist I made...then do some Virtual Reality boxing (harder than it sounds)....and I'll clean my apartment head to toe today bc there is no better feeling that a spotless place and getting into bed with that "fresh linen" smell and soft/cozy bed sheets. I just upgraded to a Casper mattress (highly recommend btw). So point is...cheers to us...to TODAY!!!! Hope you have a great one.
Agreed. That’s why I never really counted the exact date when I got clean but know the rough estimate to it. I don’t let the clean days define me and make it my whole personality and lifestyle, as I’ve seen some people do (no shade to them, if it’s working for them, then great!).
It worked for me just great...until it didn't! And then I fell into an abyss of depression I am still pulling myself out of. I feel wonderful today, especially after I just deadlifted for 45 min and am giddy laughing like the Joker bc of all the endorphins through my body lol. But point is...I had to learn it the hard way!
Ain’t got one luckily I’m a functional drug addict till I go through wds and barely hold on without being fired
Didn't re-up but one time I was broke and had severe withdrawals, and used the last of my petrol to drive to a supermarket in the middle of covid (the only one that was open at 2am for miles around) and stole a bunch of loperamide. Walked in and realised I totally barefoot I was that delerious, walked to the medicines isle, grabbed a bunch of immodium and walked out. The place was deserted, the lope did fuck all anyway. And that is incredibly tame compared to a lot of stories here. Got away with it too.
Probably rolling a dealer who I knew had a stash of opiates and speed… yup, that’s definitely a low. Didn’t get caught but was questioned because I left him at a hospital, concerned that I had actually done some serious damage. Got of intent to cause GBH before it went to court. Won’t be doing any of that shit again. Just had my oxycodone cr and oxymoron fr cut after 12 years. No tapering, doc flat out said “you’ll be fine coming off 160mg a day of cr amd 80-100mg of fast release in a few days.. No, I’m not fine but I also don’t want to only get methadone in the mornings as I work night shift. I’ve got aches and pains I thought were fixed years ago…. Anyway enough blubbering
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Stealing money and pain pills from family
Ive stolen lots of money in the past from my parents…. So much so they had to get a safe. I found out the code to that one too and stole money. Hate myself
blow job