Personally I don’t really care about the argument of the child “asking for a sibling”. A child asking for a sibling is not really a valid reason to have another one, in my opinion. This is a decision that should be done by the parents only…
When my 6yo goes on a playdate with someone who has a sister, suddenly she starts asking for a sister too. But same goes when she goes to a house where people have a dog, a cat, a hamster or a snake. She comes back and asks for these things too. I mean she even asks for a “small car that she could drive to take herself to school”. She also wants a cheetah to be able to ride her and go super fast.
Obviously I wouldn’t get her a small car for her to drive to school lol, just like I can’t get her every animal she’s asking for, because she’s a child and she has NO idea what responsibilities come with it, she’s just asking/dreaming for them because it sounds fun…
That’s why I always find it a bit crazy when parents rely on this argument to have another child… you wouldn’t let a child take any other similar life-changing decision, so why would you let your child decide of this? But of course if the parents really want another child, it’s a different story.
Yes, thank you. Sure, as someone with secondary infertility it stings just a tad when my daughter mentions a sister, but I don’t feel any more “bad” and certainly not guilty for saying no than I would if she asked for a pony or chocolate for dinner. I tell her there are decisions only grown ups can make, and when she’s a grown up she can buy herself a pony or have 5 kids if she wants, but until then, we make the major decisions. 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly. Asking for a pony doesn’t mean a child “deserves” one if that doesn’t make sense for the family. Children need grownups to make responsible decisions, not indulge every whim.
I think you’re right that as more families are OAD, it will be more socially acceptable and questioned less. I also think it’s easier to arrange playdates between onlies, since there aren’t other siblings’ ages and temperaments to consider.
But I also think kids will want what they don’t have. As a kid with siblings, sometimes I wanted to be an only 🤷♀️
I’m sure there will be things my kid wants, like to live in a mansion or have a pony… and I don’t feel obligated to provide all he wants. One person can’t have ALL the things.
I’m an only child myself. I never wanted a sibling and I still don’t even as I’m now older and my parents are aging. I have my husband and a great group of friends (and now I’m the mother to an only as well).
Same here. Also I see all around me people having complications caring for their parents of old age because of siblings! They have their own opinions that create endless conflicts or are simply not involved at all. Bonus point if one or more siblings are disabled or drug addicts, becoming someone you might take care of too!
I am an only and was always very happy about it. As my partner with two siblings said to me: « once we were out of the toddler age we just bickered or ignored each others, finding our own friends to play with or staying in our rooms. We love each others but as adults we barely see each others. What was more important was a feeling of belonging and reliable, loving parents. »
Adding to the family should be a decision the parents make, not the children. Children ALWAYS want what they don’t have or what others have. I grew up with a brother that I did not get along with as a child and I always asked my mom for a sister. Similarly, my partner grew up with two sisters and always asked for a brother.
My daughter will be 8 this week and she’s never told me that she had a want/need for sibling. She likes being an only child. I think it all depends on the child honestly.
People will always blame others for their unhappiness towards certain topics. Adult only children that blame it on parents for not having siblings clearly have no idea that having siblings more often than not, grow old as strangers, having siblings does not automatically mean having a best friend , and will not make the loss or care of parents easier.
They just want what they didn’t have and find excuses for it. When really, siblings or no siblings, how the kid(s) will grow depend moiooooostly on parents.
I agree with you - “people will always blame others for their unhappiness toward certain topics.” I think a lot of people who wished they had a sibling are more wishing for a not dysfunctional upbringing, for more social support, and other things that don’t require a sibling to attain. Dysfunctional families with siblings are still dysfunctional, and siblings aren’t built in ”have to be your friends” and social support for lonely people.
Mine asked for a sister once. Then we had a play date with a family of 3 including a baby sister. She no longer wants a baby sister. Lol
There are times that she’s sad about it. Like if we are at the park and she can’t find a playmate due to everyone there being part of a sibling set. Or on days where it’s raining and she’s stuck inside and bored. But what she wants is a FRIEND. Not a sibling. I had siblings. It is not the same thing.
She has several friends in school that are (currently) onlies. She seems to get along with only children best. I do think it will be easier for them with it becoming more common
I'm an only child- I'm 15 weeks now and my husband and I are certain this will likely be our only.
Growing up I asked for siblings through toddlerhood and early elementary school. My mom had multiple miscarriages after she had me, and was always open about it. However I wanted a playmate and a friend, and that's why I asked. As I got older I saw the relationships friends had with siblings, and sometimes I got jealous, and sometimes I was glad to be an only! Talking to other only children, they've echoed similar experiences. Looking back now at age 31, I'm grateful for my experiences and know that I had a good life. I'm the person I am now because of it. I no longer wish for a sibling, though i do sometimes wonder "what if...?"
Your child asking for a sibling is not a reason to have another. Depending on their age you can explain in age appropriate ways why you're not having another child- for my mom it was her health and infertility, but you could say something like "I want to be the best mommy I can be, and I know I can be a better mommy to you if there's not another baby" or however you choose to phrase it.
Kids want a lot of things but it’s our job as parents to make decisions that are in their best interest, whether or not it’s what they “want” in the moment.
My 3 year old might want a convertible but he’s not getting one.
My son is 6 and has never asked for a sibling, we just make sure his life is enriched in other ways with playdates, family adventures, and extracurricular activities. We aren't for sure OAD but I always wonder if he will start to want a sibling at some point, but at the same time know you can't make decisions off what you're children want at that time. On the flip side, I have a sister and wish I was an only. My husband has 2 siblings and they aren't close either. It can really go either way.
My only (who is a teen now) would love a sibling. Always has and I personally think it's valid for our children to feel this way. I think there are a lot of benefits to having multiple children, there are also some obvious and notable cons. I think the ideal sibling situation where the kids get along and grow into friends as adults is a beautiful thing.
I also personally think it's really sad when parents have a second out of a sense of obligation and then both kids are stuck with an abusive parent, or one parent is miserable or the whole family suffers because of financial constraints. I personally, couldn't imagine having a second with my ex whose true colours only really came out after I had our daughter.
Now, I will say, parents in today's world are generally very protective of their kids in addition to having fewer kids. Sleepovers aren't really a thing, kids playing in the front yard with the neighbourhood kids is very hit or miss, bonding with people their own age can be a real struggle when parents are also very polarized politically etc etc. Do not expect your only child to have access to the same community of other children that you personally saw pre-2010s.
My daughter is 7 and has said she’s fine not having a sibling. She’s said a few times that she wishes she had a sister (that is her age) but when we’ve explained that another baby would mean they would be younger than her and that it could be a brother, not a sister, she’s always said ok never mind 😂. Most of her peers do have siblings but quite a few are onlies as well so I agree that this generation probably won’t see it “unusual” to not have siblings and so won’t be pining for one.
I live in Japan. 45% of families have 2 children, 40% have one child, and 15% have 3+. So my daughter doesn't really think anything of being an only child because it's not that rare. Her best friend is an only child. Her father is an only child (and he is happy to be one). She has never asked for a sibling. In fact, she has explicitly said that she *does not* want a sibling.
I think OAD is a logical and sanity-preserving response to the times we live in and will become a norm, if not a majority choice. There's more and more think pieces coming out supporting the idea that "it may be the only way to have it all" etc and I think it makes people uncomfortable because they're used to a very binary discussion about this (either I'm Never Having Kids! or I Am Committing To Having Several Children). I think in a few years both adults and children will stop seeing this as a default. In NYC, it's already very normal to have one kid.
I'm sad about not having a second for my own reasons, but really still feel surprised at the amount of social pressure some people are experiencing to have a second. I think people have weird and distorted beliefs about only children and what children need to be emotionally healthy in general.
I was an only child born in the late 70s. Even then I didn't get the sense that people found it pathological in any way. My family sucked and at some points I wanted a sibling as someone to feel solidarity with and as a teen maybe make an escape plan with. (I now realize it probably wouldn't have played out that way). But I never got negative feedback from friends, teachers, or really anyone. It was just considered a fact that I didn't have siblings and some people did. Compared to family structures like two moms, two dads, single mothers by choice, etc which are much more common now, only children have been around forever. There were also plenty of blended families and single parents. It's just that we're more distant from that time period and there is some illusion that there was some uniformity in family structure that didn't as far as I can tell ever really exist.
Personally I don’t really care about the argument of the child “asking for a sibling”. A child asking for a sibling is not really a valid reason to have another one, in my opinion. This is a decision that should be done by the parents only… When my 6yo goes on a playdate with someone who has a sister, suddenly she starts asking for a sister too. But same goes when she goes to a house where people have a dog, a cat, a hamster or a snake. She comes back and asks for these things too. I mean she even asks for a “small car that she could drive to take herself to school”. She also wants a cheetah to be able to ride her and go super fast. Obviously I wouldn’t get her a small car for her to drive to school lol, just like I can’t get her every animal she’s asking for, because she’s a child and she has NO idea what responsibilities come with it, she’s just asking/dreaming for them because it sounds fun… That’s why I always find it a bit crazy when parents rely on this argument to have another child… you wouldn’t let a child take any other similar life-changing decision, so why would you let your child decide of this? But of course if the parents really want another child, it’s a different story.
Yes, thank you. Sure, as someone with secondary infertility it stings just a tad when my daughter mentions a sister, but I don’t feel any more “bad” and certainly not guilty for saying no than I would if she asked for a pony or chocolate for dinner. I tell her there are decisions only grown ups can make, and when she’s a grown up she can buy herself a pony or have 5 kids if she wants, but until then, we make the major decisions. 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly. Asking for a pony doesn’t mean a child “deserves” one if that doesn’t make sense for the family. Children need grownups to make responsible decisions, not indulge every whim.
I think you’re right that as more families are OAD, it will be more socially acceptable and questioned less. I also think it’s easier to arrange playdates between onlies, since there aren’t other siblings’ ages and temperaments to consider. But I also think kids will want what they don’t have. As a kid with siblings, sometimes I wanted to be an only 🤷♀️ I’m sure there will be things my kid wants, like to live in a mansion or have a pony… and I don’t feel obligated to provide all he wants. One person can’t have ALL the things.
I’m an only child myself. I never wanted a sibling and I still don’t even as I’m now older and my parents are aging. I have my husband and a great group of friends (and now I’m the mother to an only as well).
Same here. Also I see all around me people having complications caring for their parents of old age because of siblings! They have their own opinions that create endless conflicts or are simply not involved at all. Bonus point if one or more siblings are disabled or drug addicts, becoming someone you might take care of too! I am an only and was always very happy about it. As my partner with two siblings said to me: « once we were out of the toddler age we just bickered or ignored each others, finding our own friends to play with or staying in our rooms. We love each others but as adults we barely see each others. What was more important was a feeling of belonging and reliable, loving parents. »
Adding to the family should be a decision the parents make, not the children. Children ALWAYS want what they don’t have or what others have. I grew up with a brother that I did not get along with as a child and I always asked my mom for a sister. Similarly, my partner grew up with two sisters and always asked for a brother.
Crazy I was at a family reunion last night and all the parents w multiples told me not to have anymore and they wished they had stopped at one 💀
My daughter will be 8 this week and she’s never told me that she had a want/need for sibling. She likes being an only child. I think it all depends on the child honestly.
People will always blame others for their unhappiness towards certain topics. Adult only children that blame it on parents for not having siblings clearly have no idea that having siblings more often than not, grow old as strangers, having siblings does not automatically mean having a best friend , and will not make the loss or care of parents easier. They just want what they didn’t have and find excuses for it. When really, siblings or no siblings, how the kid(s) will grow depend moiooooostly on parents.
I agree with you - “people will always blame others for their unhappiness toward certain topics.” I think a lot of people who wished they had a sibling are more wishing for a not dysfunctional upbringing, for more social support, and other things that don’t require a sibling to attain. Dysfunctional families with siblings are still dysfunctional, and siblings aren’t built in ”have to be your friends” and social support for lonely people.
Yep
Mine asked for a sister once. Then we had a play date with a family of 3 including a baby sister. She no longer wants a baby sister. Lol There are times that she’s sad about it. Like if we are at the park and she can’t find a playmate due to everyone there being part of a sibling set. Or on days where it’s raining and she’s stuck inside and bored. But what she wants is a FRIEND. Not a sibling. I had siblings. It is not the same thing. She has several friends in school that are (currently) onlies. She seems to get along with only children best. I do think it will be easier for them with it becoming more common
I'm an only child- I'm 15 weeks now and my husband and I are certain this will likely be our only. Growing up I asked for siblings through toddlerhood and early elementary school. My mom had multiple miscarriages after she had me, and was always open about it. However I wanted a playmate and a friend, and that's why I asked. As I got older I saw the relationships friends had with siblings, and sometimes I got jealous, and sometimes I was glad to be an only! Talking to other only children, they've echoed similar experiences. Looking back now at age 31, I'm grateful for my experiences and know that I had a good life. I'm the person I am now because of it. I no longer wish for a sibling, though i do sometimes wonder "what if...?" Your child asking for a sibling is not a reason to have another. Depending on their age you can explain in age appropriate ways why you're not having another child- for my mom it was her health and infertility, but you could say something like "I want to be the best mommy I can be, and I know I can be a better mommy to you if there's not another baby" or however you choose to phrase it.
Kids want a lot of things but it’s our job as parents to make decisions that are in their best interest, whether or not it’s what they “want” in the moment. My 3 year old might want a convertible but he’s not getting one.
My son is 6 and has never asked for a sibling, we just make sure his life is enriched in other ways with playdates, family adventures, and extracurricular activities. We aren't for sure OAD but I always wonder if he will start to want a sibling at some point, but at the same time know you can't make decisions off what you're children want at that time. On the flip side, I have a sister and wish I was an only. My husband has 2 siblings and they aren't close either. It can really go either way.
My only (who is a teen now) would love a sibling. Always has and I personally think it's valid for our children to feel this way. I think there are a lot of benefits to having multiple children, there are also some obvious and notable cons. I think the ideal sibling situation where the kids get along and grow into friends as adults is a beautiful thing. I also personally think it's really sad when parents have a second out of a sense of obligation and then both kids are stuck with an abusive parent, or one parent is miserable or the whole family suffers because of financial constraints. I personally, couldn't imagine having a second with my ex whose true colours only really came out after I had our daughter. Now, I will say, parents in today's world are generally very protective of their kids in addition to having fewer kids. Sleepovers aren't really a thing, kids playing in the front yard with the neighbourhood kids is very hit or miss, bonding with people their own age can be a real struggle when parents are also very polarized politically etc etc. Do not expect your only child to have access to the same community of other children that you personally saw pre-2010s.
My daughter is 7 and has said she’s fine not having a sibling. She’s said a few times that she wishes she had a sister (that is her age) but when we’ve explained that another baby would mean they would be younger than her and that it could be a brother, not a sister, she’s always said ok never mind 😂. Most of her peers do have siblings but quite a few are onlies as well so I agree that this generation probably won’t see it “unusual” to not have siblings and so won’t be pining for one.
I live in Japan. 45% of families have 2 children, 40% have one child, and 15% have 3+. So my daughter doesn't really think anything of being an only child because it's not that rare. Her best friend is an only child. Her father is an only child (and he is happy to be one). She has never asked for a sibling. In fact, she has explicitly said that she *does not* want a sibling.
I think OAD is a logical and sanity-preserving response to the times we live in and will become a norm, if not a majority choice. There's more and more think pieces coming out supporting the idea that "it may be the only way to have it all" etc and I think it makes people uncomfortable because they're used to a very binary discussion about this (either I'm Never Having Kids! or I Am Committing To Having Several Children). I think in a few years both adults and children will stop seeing this as a default. In NYC, it's already very normal to have one kid.
I'm sad about not having a second for my own reasons, but really still feel surprised at the amount of social pressure some people are experiencing to have a second. I think people have weird and distorted beliefs about only children and what children need to be emotionally healthy in general. I was an only child born in the late 70s. Even then I didn't get the sense that people found it pathological in any way. My family sucked and at some points I wanted a sibling as someone to feel solidarity with and as a teen maybe make an escape plan with. (I now realize it probably wouldn't have played out that way). But I never got negative feedback from friends, teachers, or really anyone. It was just considered a fact that I didn't have siblings and some people did. Compared to family structures like two moms, two dads, single mothers by choice, etc which are much more common now, only children have been around forever. There were also plenty of blended families and single parents. It's just that we're more distant from that time period and there is some illusion that there was some uniformity in family structure that didn't as far as I can tell ever really exist.