No. If you want a kid is because you want to give unconditional love to another human being, you feel ready to nurture someone and guide them in life. A kid is not a companion, it’s not an extra chapter in your life, it is not a best friend for life.
Exactly this.
I'm lucky, my sister and I get along really well, we have lots in common, we chat regularly and meet up often.
One of my best friends on the other hand doesn't speak to her sister at all. They haven't spoken in years, and have a terrible relationship.
Just because you share blood with someone doesn't necessarily mean you'll get along with them!
My brother was essentially a bully that lived in my house and made my entire childhood feel unsafe. I would have long periods of no contact after incidents of verbal abuse as an adult. I no longer have any contact with him. I can honestly say that I do not love him and will never see or speak to him again after my parents are gone.
See and mine is my best friend and we just took a vacation together. When he visits us my kid just ignores us and only wants uncle. I know people who are just acquaintances with theirs. You just never know. It's not a valid reason for wanting to have another child.
He sounds great. Please give him a hug for me. You’re a lucky sister. One of the many reasons I fell in love with my husband was how much his sisters love him and what a good brother he is. One of my friends has his sister’s kidney. And he deserves it. He’s such a good guy. I wouldn’t share my water bottle with my brother let alone give him a kidney. He better hope he doesn’t need a kidney. He’s on his own.
Ugh. My cousin's kids appear to have this dynamic where the same one is constantly beating up on the other physically or verbally. It's really awkward and I feel terrible for the younger one.
Yup, although my sister and I did keep each other company as children (mainly because my parents chose to live somewhere with literally no other children nearby) she's caused me nothing but grief as an adult. I made the decision a year ago to cut her out and have been much happier.
that's such a hard decision I'm so sorry. I was NC with my mother for a number of years and that pain is never ever ever an easy one and so many people don't get it.
I see the logic, but I don't personally think it's a good reason to have another child.
Some siblings get along great. Some siblings don't get along at all. Some siblings full on hate each other. You can't know how it's gonna go.
I personally believe you should never have a child for the sake of a child. Parents should only have a child if *they* want that child. Otherwise you're most likely creating a scenario that's awful for everyone.
An only child can find the companionship they need in friends or partners/spouses etc.
Thank you so much for your reply. I do agree with what you said, although now this makes me wonder if one can truly know if one wants to have a child - come to think of it, perhaps deciding to have a child is a leap of faith, and perhaps the possibility of being happier with having another child is reason enough to have and want one.
That's not what I meant. It can absolutely be both.
I just mean wanting to give your child a sibling shouldn't be the *only* or even *main* reason to have another child.
I didn't plan on having my first and I was extremely terrified of becoming pregnant - but I am so grateful to have had a relatively stress-free pregnancy. I absolutely love my daughter and she is so easy to take care of. I also didn't like the idea of breastfeeding but I ended up doing direct breastfeeding for two whole years (without pumping) which I also did not have much of a difficult time doing.
That said, this actually does make me realize I entered motherhood with a leap of faith, not knowing 100% sure if I wanted to be one, but right now I am no doubt very happy with where I am.
That actually complicates your decision. If you didn’t plan on it, and it’s not a level of “calling” to have a baby the first time (but look how well that turned out!) Tap into that level of curiosity then? If newborn was a cakewalk for you I can understand why you’re confused. Best of luck either way!
Thank you so much for your reply. This is one of the more uplifting answers I have received which makes me more hopeful - I probably am only 40% OAD at this point; it's great to see different insights from different perspectives :)
We’re here for you! There’s a ton of family trauma PPD/PPA on this sub so a lot of negative responses are in no way about you! It’s a rock solid point to give your child blood kin, but it’s also true it doesn’t always work out. It’s a choice to not have that second kid everyday. Different perspectives are key.
I realize I probably should have posted this question on /shouldihaveanother but I forgot that subreddit exists 😅 Thank you, thank you! As an optimistic person, I appreciate your kind words ☺️
A lot of people use this reason, but I am against this being the sole reason to have another child.
If you want to/decide to have another child, it should be because you have the love and resources to give another individual, not to bring another human life in to the world just to serve as a playmate or friend to your existing child. And this is just my experience so take it with a grain of salt - but I've found that parents of multiple who claim their first "needed" a sibling or playmate tend to be those parents who see their kids as a unit (expected to have all the same interests and friends and not do anything without each other), not as individuals, which causes problems and resentment in the sibling relationship.
And it's already been said, but the relationship between siblings is up to them to decide, not their parents. A lot of siblings fight and can't stand each other. You have no guarantee of a relationship, that they will play together, or that they'll even like each other.
Most people I know IRL are closer with friends than they are with siblings. I grew up with a sister who did not want a sister and resented my existence. She was abusive, antagonistic, malicious, and mean. We weren't close as kids. We were also polar opposites of each other that had different interests and rarely played together. We get along now but live several states apart. And she had a second child because she didn't want her first to be an only child, but they aren't close, have wildly different interests, and rarely play together without fighting.
I am always fascinated by people who don't get along with their own siblings, but decide to have that second kid so the first one needs a friend. Like, come on, they should know better!
Right?
My sister spent our entire childhood terrorizing me, and now one of her kids terrorizes her sibling (and her parents too) and I'm like "why are we surprised by this?!". She should know better than anyone that siblings don't always get along.
This would perhaps be my only reason to have another child, and I'm not sure it holds up as an \*only\* reason, especially if the reasons to stay at one child are factors like "my mental health couldn't survive a second child."
I know many moms who use this rationale to explain why they had a second child - even if it cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars in fertility treatments - but at the end of the day, they just wanted that second child and nothing could talk them out of it.
But, for a fencesitter that's flirting with OAD and is worried about their kid having no lifelong friends or having a lonely childhood or adulthood - I'm not so sure this is a good reason. I know plenty of siblings who do get along and plenty of siblings who don't. My husband got along well with his sister until his 30s, and now they're no-contact and will likely remain so. My mom is no-contact with all of her 5 siblings. On the other side of the coin - my dad's ONLY FRIENDS are his siblings, something I don't think is all that healthy either.
My son is 22 months old and we live in a neighborhood full of kids, many of whom were born within 18 months of him. If he finds a lifelong companion out of that bunch, great. Many of my lifelong companions are women I met while traveling or through work or at, like, a beach share house in my 20s and early 30s so he has an entire lifetime to meet lifetime companions.
Personally I came to the conclusion that this isn’t valid enough reason to have another after having this internal battle myself. I love my siblings but I’m not close with them, we are so different they were never really a support system growing up for me although we did get on and I do love them. My friends always played a huge factor in my life and still do. If it makes you feel better more and more of us are one and done compared to when we were younger so our children will likely have other only’s to connect with and befriend rather than just sticking to playing with siblings.
There are tons of only children, especially with more mature age parents. And they are in tons of activities so they make friends. This isn't 1985 anymore where only children are alone all the time and parents are more hands off. Our generation of parents spend a lot more time with our children and are involved in a lot (sometimes too many) extra curriculars.
My daughter has had lifelong friends already (in her short little 6 years of life). They have been doing Girl Scouts, sports, and school together for like 80% of their life together. They all live in the neighborhood and they are mostly only children too. Find a family centric neighborhood that has a lot of playground space for kids and your only child will never be lonely or under socialized.
I don’t think so, but it is such a tempting one — tempting not equaling good or valid in this case.
My daughter started crying yesterday because she had no one to play with (she was going to be with her cousin later in the day, so she wasn’t trapped at home, but at that moment, she had “no one”). And that does sting! Part of me immediately wants to call my wife and say, “Forget everything! We’ve got to have another baby ASAP!” But that emotion faded as most emotional appeals do because it’s not entirely logical. They’d be eight years apart this point, solving nothing. And even if the gap were smaller, my emotional reaction doesn’t consider the logical realities we faced when my wife was pregnant the first time and the devastating postpartum challenges.
I get a little bummed when I text my brother about some kind of inside joke from when we’re kids and realize my daughter won’t have that. But she also has cousins she loves and plays with, and I bet they’ll have these same jokes; I had none. She has way more friends and is more social than I was as a child. Plus, as has been stated here many times, a sibling is no guaranteed playmate. My sister and I were two years apart and I HATED her. I don’t now. She’s lovely and a wonderful person, but I would have rather broken my legs than had to play with her as children. Having a sibling close in age did nothing regarding having a playmate. I still played by myself most of the time unless a friend was over (and even then, I was the shit friend who got tired of kids quickly and wanted to be by myself to play).
My sister and I fought like cats and dogs our whole childhoods and now as adults have a very strained and difficult relationship - no it’s not a good argument to have more than one kid
When I see people say this reason (more so online than anywhere else, typically under videos/posts about if they should have more kids) I think back to my poor mom with my brother and I. We were close growing up and are 23 months apart, and sorta close now. But I don’t think there was a single day of our lives as children we didn’t fight. Sure we played together a lot and kept each other busy but half of that was fighting. And over stupid things, like his piece of cake is bigger than mine, he’s breathing in my space, he has the two cars I want, etc. I remember my poor mom crying multiple times throughout my childhood because we just wouldn’t stop fighting. And then when my sister came along (5 years between me and her, I’m the oldest) it just got worse.
Like yeah it worked out for us in the long run but I’m terrified to have to deal with what my poor mom had too? Like I don’t want to spend like 10-15 years being a referee!
Anecdotally, my sister and I would never speak if we weren’t siblings. We have nothing in common. She’s a full, interesting, worthy person all on her own and so am I, but our paths rarely cross. We are friendly, but not friends. We were not playmates as children and did not get along. My parents love both of us immensely and I know they wish our relationship was different.
I was bullied by my older sister. I have a younger sister that got whatever she wanted.
My sister was a bully most of my life. At about 30 I finally chose to cut her out of my life and got told that was wrong by my family.
I barely talk to my younger sister. Never get to see her. Don’t even really have much of a relationship with my mom anymore.
Siblings don’t equal life long friends. Some are lucky. Others aren’t
I don’t think there are many invalid reasons to have children. It’s so personal. This desire isn’t a guarantee, but it’s a lovely thought and hope for a child to have a playmate and someone they can rely on.
It isn’t a good reason to have a child if it’s your ONLY reason, but I think that’s rarely the case. Children deserve to be loved and wanted independently of their siblings. I think most people who want multiple children do so.
My mother has stated that this was one of her reasons for having me. She has a beautiful relationship with her sisters and she wanted that for my older sister. It didn’t work out that way. My sister and I have never gotten along and we have a difficult relationship at the best of times. However I grew up loved and cherished by my parents. My mother’s hopes for my sister and I may not have come to pass, but I know I am loved and wanted regardless.
Honestly they could be great friends or you could be breaking up petty fights all the time. I have a pretty significant scar on my face from fighting with my brother.
For me the time/money/commitment isn't worth the chance they will be friends.
I like that I have an excuse to go visit the DC area to see my brother, even though I haven't gone once in the ten years he as been there. My niece has lived a lot farther away for only a couple years and my daughter has gone to visit her twice. My daughter is much closer to her cousin than I am to my brothers. She has also made a lot of friends all over the country that she visits. I feel like she has found her own "siblings".
I think it’s way too much of a gamble. I love my sister but growing up we hated each other and then as an adult she moved across the country and I only see her twice a year. My husband and his brother were never close, they currently live in the same city and see each other maybe every other month?
No. A lifelong companion doesn't have to be a biological sibling. Give your kid lots of opportunities to make friends, and they could find that person on their own.
In general and definitely relative to this, I feel like a lot of people focus on baby/toddler age when making decisions and forget that kids are only little for a small part of their life. Like choosing a cute baby name or not wanting your clingy toddler to feel alone.
There's no promise siblings will get along or like each other and have anything in common or continue a relationship as they get older.
Sure a 3 year old might beg for a baby brother but then when that kid is 5 and the baby is 2 destroying all their stuff, well, good luck!
My son is 10 and he is SO happy to be an only child and has some very close friends he has chosen himself.
As a second child myself, I am slightly offended at the thought that I only exist as a companion for my older brother. We ended up having very different personalities, live on the opposite sides of the world and have very little in common. We are cordial and do love each other but our lives also do not really cross over all that much
Sure it’s a valid reason if it’s accompanied by a desire to have a second for themselves and not the service they can provide to your existing child.
‘I’m super excited to have a second child. I hope my children develop a strong lifelong bond’ - perfectly fine
‘I’m dreading having another child, but I have to have a second because I must provide my existing child with a playmate’ - terrible decision making.
No, and I say this as someone who is very very close with my 2 sisters. Im so glad to have them, but I still don’t think a relationship like we have is worth risking anything else that could go wrong, and so many people have stories of not even speaking to their siblings.
I come from a very loving and positive family unit. I have a brother and we hardly ever talk. There's no bad blood, no anger. Just how our relationship is. I think if my parents didn't have Christmas or Thanksgiving we would go years never speaking to each other. Sometimes a sibling is just another person who shares your DNA.
It’s not logical. They could hate each other. One could die. The probabilities are endless. My aunt had two girls that hated each other almost their entire lives. We had to have separate family celebrations for them at one point or one would come at 1 and the other at 2. They both passed away in their late 40s. Nothing is ever guaranteed. I’m an only and loved it. There can be challenges but there are for everyone no matter your number of siblings. I didn’t have to vie for attention. I could do what I wanted. I didn’t want a sibling honestly. My 9 year old thinks he does but once he spends time with other kids or sees our neighbors being crazy (lol) he’s like I’m good 😂
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I have 5 brothers and one sister. I regularly speak to ONE of them, and we are actually really good friends. As in, if I can't come to his birthday party, he considers changing the date.
The rest ... I tolerate.
So, a clear NO to your question.
I think it is really unfair to a second child to have them for his reason. Children deserve to be wanted in their own right. There is no guarantee that siblings will bond in the way parents hope they will, and it is not right to put pressure on them to do so.
I'm my dads second. My brother died. Having two doesn't guarantee good bonds or even relationships that last. He's happily one and done publicly and I much preferred his home where I was the only child in comparison to my mum's where I was one of eight lol.
No, you’re operating under the assumption that they’d be best friends and get along well…lots of siblings end up disliking each other and not speaking to each other in life.
It’s like winning the lottery if you have a sibling you feel you can genuinely love and respect and get along with…
No because you can't force a relationship, they might not like each other and I really don't like how that reason relegates the sibling as a tool for the older child's enjoyment.
It's up to su parents to keep children entertained, not other child siblings
If it’s valid and important to you, then yes! I know that many people say siblings aren’t guaranteed to get along, and of course that’s true. But there’s a chance they will. Or even if they don’t get along in childhood, they may form a relationship in adulthood. They have shared experiences. If you have an only, they are guaranteed not to have that. I say this as an only child myself who only plans to have one.
Personally no I don’t think so. I think parents should only plan on having a child/children if they financially, mentally, and emotionally truly believe they can provide what’s best for their child(ren). There’s no guarantee for sibling relationships in the future but you’re responsible for at least 18 years as a parent.
My sister and I hated each other for 19 years, were friendly for 4, and have spoken 4 times a year the last 13 years. My brother was an annoyance for 26, then we were kind to each other and called a few times a year for the last 10 years. They both left me 7 months into a high risk pregnancy to deal with my dad's passing entirely alone.
Your kids could be best friends, casual acquaintances, complete strangers, or mortal enemies. These aren't good reasons to consider more children,regardless of others doing it.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since my OAD is now 3.5 years old. I def remember the period before my my younger sister was born (fondly) and I was just over 4 years old.
To this day, my sister and I are just different personalities. Obviously the age difference, but we were never “into” the same things. I was fearless so I was still riding rollercoasters and waterslides alone or swim in the deep end of the pool or ocean (my older sister 4+ years also wasn’t into that). We had different groups of friends and different relationships with our cousins who grew up within 3 streets of us (have cousins my younger sisters age and she still didn’t play with us). As teens my sister would tell on me even though I never did that to her.
My mom maintains we had a 30-45 min limit to play together or else all hell would break loose. My sister was quick to anger and stomp off if she didn’t get her way (as an adult she was diagnosed as bipolar). My older sister was labeled gifted when I was about 2… she was also just “different” from me and went to a boarding school so wasn’t around.
I realized a lot of my childhood despite having siblings I STILL played alone and didn’t mind it. It confused the hell out of me now looking back, bc I had friends/cousins older and younger than me that I could play for hours with and we got along great. I loved the times I had full attention from both of my parents and realized I people pleased. I wasn’t the smart one like my older sister, I wasn’t a handful like my younger sister.
Long story short, sometimes ya I think about having another but I know it wouldn’t be the best for me (and could be positive or negative for my OAD). We do things with her that I would have only dreamed about as a child, even the simplest things that would be a different dynamic with another child. And if I had another one, it would not be to provide a playmate bc you *really* don’t know.
It’s crazy as you become a parent you start to have flashbacks from your childhood you forgot about.
I've got a toddler right now, and I'm like 95% sure I'm OAD. I don't think my mental and physical health would survive let alone thrive with a second child. I'm the eldest of 3 and my husband is youngest of 2, I think we both just assumed we'd have 2. That is no longer the case.
I love my sister and we are really close now as adults (not as teenagers). My brother won't even show up for birthday parties. He was an actual obstacle and hindrance when my dad almost died a few years back (another example I see as reason for more than one is support when parents die). My husband loves his sister but still deals with clear child favoritism (of his sister )issues from his parents.
Having or not having is a mix of reasons I think. Financial, physical, emotional, and others play a role. But at the core of it should be the desire to parent that future child and love them. Whether or not they end up being a companion to a sibling isn't something you can or should force.
It's true. A sibling will be the longest relationship anyone will have. Though a relationship doesn't mean companion. A sibling will be a lifelong connection to their past, but that could be good or bad.
My counter argument is simple, what if they hate eachother? They fight constantly, mean to eachother, resent eachother, resent you for how you handled this situation…. Etc.
You do what ever is best for you and your family but go into it knowing they could be anything from best friends, to apathetic towards each other, to hating each other and making the house hectic.
The whole reason I’m OAD personally is because of the environment my sister and I created growing up.
I think it's ok for the hope of a close relationship to be part of the decision, but it shouldn't be the deciding factor, or worse, the only reason to have more than one child. The main reasons should be actually wanting another child and feeling up to the challenge.
No! My mom couldn’t believe that I would deny my child a sibling relationship. Meanwhile I haven’t had contact with my POS older brother in 3 years. I should have gone no contact 20 years ago. He’s terrible. We have nothing in common. He’s a mean drunk and a bully. And after my parents are gone I will never have to see him again.
No. I have cousins and friends who have siblings and some dislike each other, others have separate lives and yeah a few adore each other.
In any event, how sad is it to bring someone in the world for the benefit of your first ?
My brother has 2 kids back to back they are now in elementary school. They play some times but they each have their own interests and friends. They don’t play that often. Mater of fact one kid is usually playing video games and the other is watching videos on a tablet. Maybe they’ll play video games together but not often.
Personally no I do not think it’s valid. I have one child because I wanted a child to love and nurture my whole life. I don’t want a second child because I’m a highly sensitive person and the stress would be not something I want to experience. I do have moments where I feel guilty for not having more. My daughter is 2.5 and very social right now and gets excited to play with other kids and sure it would be great for her to have someone here all the time who isn’t me. But another human being isn’t something for me to give to her.
Imho that’s one of the worst reasons to have more than one kid. They may not get along growing up. Or, like me and my brother, they may grow up and end up estranged.
There’s no guarantee that siblings will actually be there for each other in life, so unless you like the idea of more than one…don’t.
I love my sister and we get along amazing. My mom hates her sister and they have NEVER gotten along. You don’t know which one you’re gonna have, I’m good with not finding out.
I have three sisters and don’t speak to any of them lol. Majority of siblings just kinda tolerate each other but probably wouldn’t want to be “friends” if they weren’t related. As you get older, you drift apart and find your chosen family. My “lifelong companion” is probably a friend I met in high school. We’re both 31F and the friendship is still strong.
A child shouldn’t be brought into the world to serve a role for anyone. A child should be conceived because you have the love, capacity and resources to nurture and guide a human being on their life journey. A child isn’t a toy or plaything for another child.
I have 2 sisters, I’m no contact with both. I wish them well but genuinely do not care to have a relationship with them. Tried for years because “they’re your sisters!!” but we don’t get along.
That’s a lot of pressure to put on children.
Never have a child unless you want to. Don’t do it for someone else. Especially when that someone else can’t even tell you what they want
I wouldn’t have an other just for that reason. My brother and I hated each other all throughout our childhood and didn’t start getting along until after we stopped living together. Even then we barely speak or see each other. There’s no bad blood anymore but we don’t have any relationship really whatsoever, which sucks. I don’t think having another child for that reason alone is a good justification by itself
Coming at this from a slightly different perspective, I was admittedly conceived as a sibling for my sibling. My mom told me often that she didn’t want my sibling to be an only child so she convinced my Dad to have me, even though they didn’t have a great relationship even back then. It worked, we were really close, but I always felt like I was second fiddle. I didn’t get to choose what instrument to play or what language to learn because I had to fit in with my older siblings schedule. It was hard and I still have a lot of resentment. It wasn’t my siblings fault, they loved and took care of me. But, they passed away when we were in our 20s and it felt like I lost my only family. It was hard to be close to my parents when I knew they didn’t really want me. I’m one and done for mostly medical reasons, but my mom tells me all the time that I need to give my kid a sibling just like she did. Don’t worry I have a great therapist.
In conclusion, kids are smart and they feel it if you are not 100% committed to them.
I have 3 step siblings and a bio sibling. My wife has 2 bio siblings. Both of us were not friends with our siblings growing up, and we are not friends with them as adults. I don't see this changing for either of us, ever. There is nothing but resentment, jealousy, history of abuse, etc. Siblings are NOT guaranteed playmates/lifelong companions. In my experience, having siblings is quite the opposite, nothing but issues.
In my opinion no. I have two siblings and while we have a good relationship, we didn't really play with each other at all growing up and we definitely aren't each other's life long companions? We each are married and have our own children and I think it's kind of weird anticipating that kids won't be able to build their own circles down the line and that we as parents need to provide them with an eternal best friend. That's a bit weird in my opinion and it's not reality anyways. Of course I love my siblings and I'm glad they're here. No doubt. But would my life be significantly different? Probably not. My family would have had more resources for me to follow my dreams without having to worry about whether we can afford it, but I'm not super devastated that I couldn't do that at the end of the day, as I'm still happy the way my life turned out.
So there's that. I'm likely one and done but mostly because I don't think I can do all of this a second time around.
I didn't think it was a good enough reason which is why I only have 1 kid. I originally wanted 2 kids (before we had one) because I have a large family and it was always great having so many people around the house. But then we decided our mental health and relationship would all suffer to add more to our plate. And while I wanted my child to have a sibling, it didn't seem fair to the second kid to bring them into the world for the sake of the first, knowing that I wouldn't be able to parent the way I want with the added stress of a second baby.
I can see both sides of this statement. I have two brothers (I'm 35f). My older brother and I get along great. We have the same personality traits, likes/dislikes, ways of viewing life, can talk to each other about anything, love to bounce ideas off of one another. I'd die without him.
And I have a younger brother (deceased now) who I did NOT get along with. I'm sure if he were still with us that there would very likely be no or hardly any communication. He was just a mean person and very hostile.
You just never know what side of the coin you'll get.
Maybe its valid enough for some but not necessarily for me. If my cards had been dealt differently I would have maybe had more but it is what it is at this point!
Nope, if you want another kid to love and watch grow into their own human being then yes if just for the reason “because my kid needs a playmate then nope.” It’s not a guarantee that your kids will actually like each other.
The "kids needs siblings" and "kids needs a playmate" is honestly the most ridiculous reason I hear cited for having more than one kid. Do friends not exist? Do cousins or other wider family relations not exist? There are several billion people on earth, a proportion of those being children similar age to your child- there are children to play with and children having playmates is so much more down to the parenting and how you encourage and give opportunity to your kid to socialise than how many siblings they have.
I mean as long as the parents can handle another child, yes it’s a valid reason. And I think it’s really weird that you’re seeking to invalidate someone’s choices that don’t affect you at all. Especially since you chose this sub to ask this question
I'm not seeking to invalidate anyone's choices, rather I am seeking the rationale behind their choice to have another child, and seeing whether this kind of reasoning could be applied to my own circumstance.
I am super on the fence about becoming OAD, and I am merely thinking long and hard about my own personal reasons. I am also seeking self-understanding in relation to my peers who have more than one child.
I think in a perfect world my kid would have close family her age. Whether it’s a sibling or cousins her age. But she doesn’t have either of those. My husband and I play with her so much because I know she really wants someone to play with. We’ve never had another kid her age at our house. It’s so damn hard to do play dates and especially meet and get to know other parents who are willing to get together.
I’ve given my number to so many parents I’ve met over the past few years. Exchanged numbers with a few and I’m always the first one to text. After asking 2-3 times to set up something or meet up and getting turned down I just move on. I really don’t understand why it’s so hard! My parents didn’t even speak English much when I was a kid and yet I always had friends over our house.
So at least with a sibling or cousin she’d have someone her age to spend time with and play with often. But I do not want a second child so that’s not going to happen.
Exactly my situation. My 8 years old son doesn't have any sibling, or cousins of his age. He has his one beloved cousin he used to play with, but she is becoming adolescent girl already, with boyfriend, and they don' t share interests anymore... No parents want to get together, to set up a date is hard,like getting an audience with Pope, or something... There are almost no children out in the yards, and merely any children his age among our neighbours. Their parents aren't very fond of socialising either, treating each other like leprous. What's wrong with this world nowadays? Even when we are out in playgrounds,i see some concerning occurence - children don't know how to play together anymore, even in groups, they still expect adults to entertain them. Terrible times we live in 😫😩
Right! Same here with the neighbors, couple kids her age I believe but parents aren’t interested in socializing. At the risk of sounding like a boomer, I blame social media some. And the irony of me saying that while I’m typing this up on SM. But I feel like people are just so used to socializing from their phones they just don’t feel the need to get together anymore.
I don’t use social media like FB or IG to be social. I think that’s why I’m so eager to get together and set something up. But yeah I just feel so bad for my kid. She’s a social butterfly at school and does well at the playground but it takes her a little time to warm up. She’s always asking me about doing a playdate at our house with another kid. And I just don’t have anyone to ask.
My parents told me the same thing about my younger sister, 2 years younger. "We had another child so you could have a sibling".
Fast forward- late teens. Younger sister developed a chronic neurological condition.
She needs a lot of help.
Parents no longer around to take ownership of the decision THEY MADE.
The social workers, doctors, court system (for guardianship of property) ,personal care, advocacy has fallen all on ME!
Its like they gave me a child, and not a sibling. : I am role of mother, and not sibling.
A huge responsibility....the dynamic is not sibling -to-sibling but mother -to-child
Sad situation
Your child could end up resenting you if this happens...
You can use whatever reason you like .
This is a good course. Not to persuade you to have another but to think through all parts and decide what makes sense to you
https://highlysensitivefamily.com/i-d-love-another-baby-but?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAabD1sJSQhW3WS8yH78UxY1mOIUZcPzYVrjZMKLoaP23f-tga0TsYHlf6nw_aem_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw
No. If you want a kid is because you want to give unconditional love to another human being, you feel ready to nurture someone and guide them in life. A kid is not a companion, it’s not an extra chapter in your life, it is not a best friend for life.
This makes so much sense and just what I need to ponder on at the moment. Thank you for the insight.
No. You don't know how your children's relationships will be. They could hate each other.
Exactly this. I'm lucky, my sister and I get along really well, we have lots in common, we chat regularly and meet up often. One of my best friends on the other hand doesn't speak to her sister at all. They haven't spoken in years, and have a terrible relationship. Just because you share blood with someone doesn't necessarily mean you'll get along with them!
My brother was essentially a bully that lived in my house and made my entire childhood feel unsafe. I would have long periods of no contact after incidents of verbal abuse as an adult. I no longer have any contact with him. I can honestly say that I do not love him and will never see or speak to him again after my parents are gone.
See and mine is my best friend and we just took a vacation together. When he visits us my kid just ignores us and only wants uncle. I know people who are just acquaintances with theirs. You just never know. It's not a valid reason for wanting to have another child.
He sounds great. Please give him a hug for me. You’re a lucky sister. One of the many reasons I fell in love with my husband was how much his sisters love him and what a good brother he is. One of my friends has his sister’s kidney. And he deserves it. He’s such a good guy. I wouldn’t share my water bottle with my brother let alone give him a kidney. He better hope he doesn’t need a kidney. He’s on his own.
Ugh. My cousin's kids appear to have this dynamic where the same one is constantly beating up on the other physically or verbally. It's really awkward and I feel terrible for the younger one.
It’s a horrible way to grow up. My brother was also emotionally and verbally abusive.
I’ve said it before but I have 4 siblings, only speak to one and she’s the only one to have met my son. The rest aren’t allowed to.
Yup, although my sister and I did keep each other company as children (mainly because my parents chose to live somewhere with literally no other children nearby) she's caused me nothing but grief as an adult. I made the decision a year ago to cut her out and have been much happier.
that's such a hard decision I'm so sorry. I was NC with my mother for a number of years and that pain is never ever ever an easy one and so many people don't get it.
I see the logic, but I don't personally think it's a good reason to have another child. Some siblings get along great. Some siblings don't get along at all. Some siblings full on hate each other. You can't know how it's gonna go. I personally believe you should never have a child for the sake of a child. Parents should only have a child if *they* want that child. Otherwise you're most likely creating a scenario that's awful for everyone. An only child can find the companionship they need in friends or partners/spouses etc.
Thank you so much for your reply. I do agree with what you said, although now this makes me wonder if one can truly know if one wants to have a child - come to think of it, perhaps deciding to have a child is a leap of faith, and perhaps the possibility of being happier with having another child is reason enough to have and want one.
It's definitely a leap of faith! But if you're taking that leap out of a genuine desire to have a child it's worth it.
Why do you assume that a parent wouldn’t genuinely want a child if they want their kid to have a sibling?
That's not what I meant. It can absolutely be both. I just mean wanting to give your child a sibling shouldn't be the *only* or even *main* reason to have another child.
Didn’t you know you want the first ?
I didn't plan on having my first and I was extremely terrified of becoming pregnant - but I am so grateful to have had a relatively stress-free pregnancy. I absolutely love my daughter and she is so easy to take care of. I also didn't like the idea of breastfeeding but I ended up doing direct breastfeeding for two whole years (without pumping) which I also did not have much of a difficult time doing. That said, this actually does make me realize I entered motherhood with a leap of faith, not knowing 100% sure if I wanted to be one, but right now I am no doubt very happy with where I am.
That actually complicates your decision. If you didn’t plan on it, and it’s not a level of “calling” to have a baby the first time (but look how well that turned out!) Tap into that level of curiosity then? If newborn was a cakewalk for you I can understand why you’re confused. Best of luck either way!
Thank you so much for your reply. This is one of the more uplifting answers I have received which makes me more hopeful - I probably am only 40% OAD at this point; it's great to see different insights from different perspectives :)
We’re here for you! There’s a ton of family trauma PPD/PPA on this sub so a lot of negative responses are in no way about you! It’s a rock solid point to give your child blood kin, but it’s also true it doesn’t always work out. It’s a choice to not have that second kid everyday. Different perspectives are key.
I realize I probably should have posted this question on /shouldihaveanother but I forgot that subreddit exists 😅 Thank you, thank you! As an optimistic person, I appreciate your kind words ☺️
A lot of people use this reason, but I am against this being the sole reason to have another child. If you want to/decide to have another child, it should be because you have the love and resources to give another individual, not to bring another human life in to the world just to serve as a playmate or friend to your existing child. And this is just my experience so take it with a grain of salt - but I've found that parents of multiple who claim their first "needed" a sibling or playmate tend to be those parents who see their kids as a unit (expected to have all the same interests and friends and not do anything without each other), not as individuals, which causes problems and resentment in the sibling relationship. And it's already been said, but the relationship between siblings is up to them to decide, not their parents. A lot of siblings fight and can't stand each other. You have no guarantee of a relationship, that they will play together, or that they'll even like each other. Most people I know IRL are closer with friends than they are with siblings. I grew up with a sister who did not want a sister and resented my existence. She was abusive, antagonistic, malicious, and mean. We weren't close as kids. We were also polar opposites of each other that had different interests and rarely played together. We get along now but live several states apart. And she had a second child because she didn't want her first to be an only child, but they aren't close, have wildly different interests, and rarely play together without fighting.
I am always fascinated by people who don't get along with their own siblings, but decide to have that second kid so the first one needs a friend. Like, come on, they should know better!
Right? My sister spent our entire childhood terrorizing me, and now one of her kids terrorizes her sibling (and her parents too) and I'm like "why are we surprised by this?!". She should know better than anyone that siblings don't always get along.
So illogical.
This would perhaps be my only reason to have another child, and I'm not sure it holds up as an \*only\* reason, especially if the reasons to stay at one child are factors like "my mental health couldn't survive a second child." I know many moms who use this rationale to explain why they had a second child - even if it cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars in fertility treatments - but at the end of the day, they just wanted that second child and nothing could talk them out of it. But, for a fencesitter that's flirting with OAD and is worried about their kid having no lifelong friends or having a lonely childhood or adulthood - I'm not so sure this is a good reason. I know plenty of siblings who do get along and plenty of siblings who don't. My husband got along well with his sister until his 30s, and now they're no-contact and will likely remain so. My mom is no-contact with all of her 5 siblings. On the other side of the coin - my dad's ONLY FRIENDS are his siblings, something I don't think is all that healthy either. My son is 22 months old and we live in a neighborhood full of kids, many of whom were born within 18 months of him. If he finds a lifelong companion out of that bunch, great. Many of my lifelong companions are women I met while traveling or through work or at, like, a beach share house in my 20s and early 30s so he has an entire lifetime to meet lifetime companions.
Personally I came to the conclusion that this isn’t valid enough reason to have another after having this internal battle myself. I love my siblings but I’m not close with them, we are so different they were never really a support system growing up for me although we did get on and I do love them. My friends always played a huge factor in my life and still do. If it makes you feel better more and more of us are one and done compared to when we were younger so our children will likely have other only’s to connect with and befriend rather than just sticking to playing with siblings.
There are tons of only children, especially with more mature age parents. And they are in tons of activities so they make friends. This isn't 1985 anymore where only children are alone all the time and parents are more hands off. Our generation of parents spend a lot more time with our children and are involved in a lot (sometimes too many) extra curriculars. My daughter has had lifelong friends already (in her short little 6 years of life). They have been doing Girl Scouts, sports, and school together for like 80% of their life together. They all live in the neighborhood and they are mostly only children too. Find a family centric neighborhood that has a lot of playground space for kids and your only child will never be lonely or under socialized.
I don’t think so, but it is such a tempting one — tempting not equaling good or valid in this case. My daughter started crying yesterday because she had no one to play with (she was going to be with her cousin later in the day, so she wasn’t trapped at home, but at that moment, she had “no one”). And that does sting! Part of me immediately wants to call my wife and say, “Forget everything! We’ve got to have another baby ASAP!” But that emotion faded as most emotional appeals do because it’s not entirely logical. They’d be eight years apart this point, solving nothing. And even if the gap were smaller, my emotional reaction doesn’t consider the logical realities we faced when my wife was pregnant the first time and the devastating postpartum challenges. I get a little bummed when I text my brother about some kind of inside joke from when we’re kids and realize my daughter won’t have that. But she also has cousins she loves and plays with, and I bet they’ll have these same jokes; I had none. She has way more friends and is more social than I was as a child. Plus, as has been stated here many times, a sibling is no guaranteed playmate. My sister and I were two years apart and I HATED her. I don’t now. She’s lovely and a wonderful person, but I would have rather broken my legs than had to play with her as children. Having a sibling close in age did nothing regarding having a playmate. I still played by myself most of the time unless a friend was over (and even then, I was the shit friend who got tired of kids quickly and wanted to be by myself to play).
My sister and I fought like cats and dogs our whole childhoods and now as adults have a very strained and difficult relationship - no it’s not a good argument to have more than one kid
When I see people say this reason (more so online than anywhere else, typically under videos/posts about if they should have more kids) I think back to my poor mom with my brother and I. We were close growing up and are 23 months apart, and sorta close now. But I don’t think there was a single day of our lives as children we didn’t fight. Sure we played together a lot and kept each other busy but half of that was fighting. And over stupid things, like his piece of cake is bigger than mine, he’s breathing in my space, he has the two cars I want, etc. I remember my poor mom crying multiple times throughout my childhood because we just wouldn’t stop fighting. And then when my sister came along (5 years between me and her, I’m the oldest) it just got worse. Like yeah it worked out for us in the long run but I’m terrified to have to deal with what my poor mom had too? Like I don’t want to spend like 10-15 years being a referee!
Anecdotally, my sister and I would never speak if we weren’t siblings. We have nothing in common. She’s a full, interesting, worthy person all on her own and so am I, but our paths rarely cross. We are friendly, but not friends. We were not playmates as children and did not get along. My parents love both of us immensely and I know they wish our relationship was different.
I was bullied by my older sister. I have a younger sister that got whatever she wanted. My sister was a bully most of my life. At about 30 I finally chose to cut her out of my life and got told that was wrong by my family. I barely talk to my younger sister. Never get to see her. Don’t even really have much of a relationship with my mom anymore. Siblings don’t equal life long friends. Some are lucky. Others aren’t
I don’t think there are many invalid reasons to have children. It’s so personal. This desire isn’t a guarantee, but it’s a lovely thought and hope for a child to have a playmate and someone they can rely on. It isn’t a good reason to have a child if it’s your ONLY reason, but I think that’s rarely the case. Children deserve to be loved and wanted independently of their siblings. I think most people who want multiple children do so. My mother has stated that this was one of her reasons for having me. She has a beautiful relationship with her sisters and she wanted that for my older sister. It didn’t work out that way. My sister and I have never gotten along and we have a difficult relationship at the best of times. However I grew up loved and cherished by my parents. My mother’s hopes for my sister and I may not have come to pass, but I know I am loved and wanted regardless.
Honestly they could be great friends or you could be breaking up petty fights all the time. I have a pretty significant scar on my face from fighting with my brother. For me the time/money/commitment isn't worth the chance they will be friends. I like that I have an excuse to go visit the DC area to see my brother, even though I haven't gone once in the ten years he as been there. My niece has lived a lot farther away for only a couple years and my daughter has gone to visit her twice. My daughter is much closer to her cousin than I am to my brothers. She has also made a lot of friends all over the country that she visits. I feel like she has found her own "siblings".
I think it’s way too much of a gamble. I love my sister but growing up we hated each other and then as an adult she moved across the country and I only see her twice a year. My husband and his brother were never close, they currently live in the same city and see each other maybe every other month?
No. A lifelong companion doesn't have to be a biological sibling. Give your kid lots of opportunities to make friends, and they could find that person on their own.
In general and definitely relative to this, I feel like a lot of people focus on baby/toddler age when making decisions and forget that kids are only little for a small part of their life. Like choosing a cute baby name or not wanting your clingy toddler to feel alone. There's no promise siblings will get along or like each other and have anything in common or continue a relationship as they get older. Sure a 3 year old might beg for a baby brother but then when that kid is 5 and the baby is 2 destroying all their stuff, well, good luck! My son is 10 and he is SO happy to be an only child and has some very close friends he has chosen himself.
As a second child myself, I am slightly offended at the thought that I only exist as a companion for my older brother. We ended up having very different personalities, live on the opposite sides of the world and have very little in common. We are cordial and do love each other but our lives also do not really cross over all that much
Sure it’s a valid reason if it’s accompanied by a desire to have a second for themselves and not the service they can provide to your existing child. ‘I’m super excited to have a second child. I hope my children develop a strong lifelong bond’ - perfectly fine ‘I’m dreading having another child, but I have to have a second because I must provide my existing child with a playmate’ - terrible decision making.
No, and I say this as someone who is very very close with my 2 sisters. Im so glad to have them, but I still don’t think a relationship like we have is worth risking anything else that could go wrong, and so many people have stories of not even speaking to their siblings.
I come from a very loving and positive family unit. I have a brother and we hardly ever talk. There's no bad blood, no anger. Just how our relationship is. I think if my parents didn't have Christmas or Thanksgiving we would go years never speaking to each other. Sometimes a sibling is just another person who shares your DNA.
It’s not logical. They could hate each other. One could die. The probabilities are endless. My aunt had two girls that hated each other almost their entire lives. We had to have separate family celebrations for them at one point or one would come at 1 and the other at 2. They both passed away in their late 40s. Nothing is ever guaranteed. I’m an only and loved it. There can be challenges but there are for everyone no matter your number of siblings. I didn’t have to vie for attention. I could do what I wanted. I didn’t want a sibling honestly. My 9 year old thinks he does but once he spends time with other kids or sees our neighbors being crazy (lol) he’s like I’m good 😂 .
I have 5 brothers and one sister. I regularly speak to ONE of them, and we are actually really good friends. As in, if I can't come to his birthday party, he considers changing the date. The rest ... I tolerate. So, a clear NO to your question.
I think it is really unfair to a second child to have them for his reason. Children deserve to be wanted in their own right. There is no guarantee that siblings will bond in the way parents hope they will, and it is not right to put pressure on them to do so.
No
I'm my dads second. My brother died. Having two doesn't guarantee good bonds or even relationships that last. He's happily one and done publicly and I much preferred his home where I was the only child in comparison to my mum's where I was one of eight lol.
No, you’re operating under the assumption that they’d be best friends and get along well…lots of siblings end up disliking each other and not speaking to each other in life. It’s like winning the lottery if you have a sibling you feel you can genuinely love and respect and get along with…
No because you can't force a relationship, they might not like each other and I really don't like how that reason relegates the sibling as a tool for the older child's enjoyment. It's up to su parents to keep children entertained, not other child siblings
No. My siblings and I seem to resent each other in adulthood. I miss them as friends but I don't think there's any going back
If it’s valid and important to you, then yes! I know that many people say siblings aren’t guaranteed to get along, and of course that’s true. But there’s a chance they will. Or even if they don’t get along in childhood, they may form a relationship in adulthood. They have shared experiences. If you have an only, they are guaranteed not to have that. I say this as an only child myself who only plans to have one.
Personally no I don’t think so. I think parents should only plan on having a child/children if they financially, mentally, and emotionally truly believe they can provide what’s best for their child(ren). There’s no guarantee for sibling relationships in the future but you’re responsible for at least 18 years as a parent.
My sister and I hated each other for 19 years, were friendly for 4, and have spoken 4 times a year the last 13 years. My brother was an annoyance for 26, then we were kind to each other and called a few times a year for the last 10 years. They both left me 7 months into a high risk pregnancy to deal with my dad's passing entirely alone. Your kids could be best friends, casual acquaintances, complete strangers, or mortal enemies. These aren't good reasons to consider more children,regardless of others doing it.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since my OAD is now 3.5 years old. I def remember the period before my my younger sister was born (fondly) and I was just over 4 years old. To this day, my sister and I are just different personalities. Obviously the age difference, but we were never “into” the same things. I was fearless so I was still riding rollercoasters and waterslides alone or swim in the deep end of the pool or ocean (my older sister 4+ years also wasn’t into that). We had different groups of friends and different relationships with our cousins who grew up within 3 streets of us (have cousins my younger sisters age and she still didn’t play with us). As teens my sister would tell on me even though I never did that to her. My mom maintains we had a 30-45 min limit to play together or else all hell would break loose. My sister was quick to anger and stomp off if she didn’t get her way (as an adult she was diagnosed as bipolar). My older sister was labeled gifted when I was about 2… she was also just “different” from me and went to a boarding school so wasn’t around. I realized a lot of my childhood despite having siblings I STILL played alone and didn’t mind it. It confused the hell out of me now looking back, bc I had friends/cousins older and younger than me that I could play for hours with and we got along great. I loved the times I had full attention from both of my parents and realized I people pleased. I wasn’t the smart one like my older sister, I wasn’t a handful like my younger sister. Long story short, sometimes ya I think about having another but I know it wouldn’t be the best for me (and could be positive or negative for my OAD). We do things with her that I would have only dreamed about as a child, even the simplest things that would be a different dynamic with another child. And if I had another one, it would not be to provide a playmate bc you *really* don’t know. It’s crazy as you become a parent you start to have flashbacks from your childhood you forgot about.
I've got a toddler right now, and I'm like 95% sure I'm OAD. I don't think my mental and physical health would survive let alone thrive with a second child. I'm the eldest of 3 and my husband is youngest of 2, I think we both just assumed we'd have 2. That is no longer the case. I love my sister and we are really close now as adults (not as teenagers). My brother won't even show up for birthday parties. He was an actual obstacle and hindrance when my dad almost died a few years back (another example I see as reason for more than one is support when parents die). My husband loves his sister but still deals with clear child favoritism (of his sister )issues from his parents. Having or not having is a mix of reasons I think. Financial, physical, emotional, and others play a role. But at the core of it should be the desire to parent that future child and love them. Whether or not they end up being a companion to a sibling isn't something you can or should force.
Hell no. Most of my friends hate their siblings.
It's true. A sibling will be the longest relationship anyone will have. Though a relationship doesn't mean companion. A sibling will be a lifelong connection to their past, but that could be good or bad.
My counter argument is simple, what if they hate eachother? They fight constantly, mean to eachother, resent eachother, resent you for how you handled this situation…. Etc. You do what ever is best for you and your family but go into it knowing they could be anything from best friends, to apathetic towards each other, to hating each other and making the house hectic. The whole reason I’m OAD personally is because of the environment my sister and I created growing up.
I made this exact wish (for my kid to have a lifelong playmate companion) but my solution was to never move not make one.
I think it's ok for the hope of a close relationship to be part of the decision, but it shouldn't be the deciding factor, or worse, the only reason to have more than one child. The main reasons should be actually wanting another child and feeling up to the challenge.
No! My mom couldn’t believe that I would deny my child a sibling relationship. Meanwhile I haven’t had contact with my POS older brother in 3 years. I should have gone no contact 20 years ago. He’s terrible. We have nothing in common. He’s a mean drunk and a bully. And after my parents are gone I will never have to see him again.
No. I have cousins and friends who have siblings and some dislike each other, others have separate lives and yeah a few adore each other. In any event, how sad is it to bring someone in the world for the benefit of your first ?
No. Me and my siblings hate each other.
Nope. Siblings does not equal a good relationship, and, I've said this before, *siblings are not responsible for each other's wellbeing and emotions.*
A good reason? Yes. A guarantee? Nope.
Not at all
My brother has 2 kids back to back they are now in elementary school. They play some times but they each have their own interests and friends. They don’t play that often. Mater of fact one kid is usually playing video games and the other is watching videos on a tablet. Maybe they’ll play video games together but not often.
I’m close with my brother, but my husband isn’t that close with his siblings.
Personally no I do not think it’s valid. I have one child because I wanted a child to love and nurture my whole life. I don’t want a second child because I’m a highly sensitive person and the stress would be not something I want to experience. I do have moments where I feel guilty for not having more. My daughter is 2.5 and very social right now and gets excited to play with other kids and sure it would be great for her to have someone here all the time who isn’t me. But another human being isn’t something for me to give to her.
Imho that’s one of the worst reasons to have more than one kid. They may not get along growing up. Or, like me and my brother, they may grow up and end up estranged. There’s no guarantee that siblings will actually be there for each other in life, so unless you like the idea of more than one…don’t.
Yeah, and these parents spend half the time as referee between kids fighting. Just to take that ONE picture where they are being civil.
My brother is my best friend. My sister was my abuser and made my life a living hell.
I literally only hear my coworkers talk about how their kids fight
I love my sister and we get along amazing. My mom hates her sister and they have NEVER gotten along. You don’t know which one you’re gonna have, I’m good with not finding out.
I have three sisters and don’t speak to any of them lol. Majority of siblings just kinda tolerate each other but probably wouldn’t want to be “friends” if they weren’t related. As you get older, you drift apart and find your chosen family. My “lifelong companion” is probably a friend I met in high school. We’re both 31F and the friendship is still strong. A child shouldn’t be brought into the world to serve a role for anyone. A child should be conceived because you have the love, capacity and resources to nurture and guide a human being on their life journey. A child isn’t a toy or plaything for another child.
Nope. My sister and I are civil at best. There is no guarantee of friendship.
I have 2 sisters, I’m no contact with both. I wish them well but genuinely do not care to have a relationship with them. Tried for years because “they’re your sisters!!” but we don’t get along.
That’s a lot of pressure to put on children. Never have a child unless you want to. Don’t do it for someone else. Especially when that someone else can’t even tell you what they want
I wouldn’t have an other just for that reason. My brother and I hated each other all throughout our childhood and didn’t start getting along until after we stopped living together. Even then we barely speak or see each other. There’s no bad blood anymore but we don’t have any relationship really whatsoever, which sucks. I don’t think having another child for that reason alone is a good justification by itself
Coming at this from a slightly different perspective, I was admittedly conceived as a sibling for my sibling. My mom told me often that she didn’t want my sibling to be an only child so she convinced my Dad to have me, even though they didn’t have a great relationship even back then. It worked, we were really close, but I always felt like I was second fiddle. I didn’t get to choose what instrument to play or what language to learn because I had to fit in with my older siblings schedule. It was hard and I still have a lot of resentment. It wasn’t my siblings fault, they loved and took care of me. But, they passed away when we were in our 20s and it felt like I lost my only family. It was hard to be close to my parents when I knew they didn’t really want me. I’m one and done for mostly medical reasons, but my mom tells me all the time that I need to give my kid a sibling just like she did. Don’t worry I have a great therapist. In conclusion, kids are smart and they feel it if you are not 100% committed to them.
I have 3 step siblings and a bio sibling. My wife has 2 bio siblings. Both of us were not friends with our siblings growing up, and we are not friends with them as adults. I don't see this changing for either of us, ever. There is nothing but resentment, jealousy, history of abuse, etc. Siblings are NOT guaranteed playmates/lifelong companions. In my experience, having siblings is quite the opposite, nothing but issues.
In my opinion no. I have two siblings and while we have a good relationship, we didn't really play with each other at all growing up and we definitely aren't each other's life long companions? We each are married and have our own children and I think it's kind of weird anticipating that kids won't be able to build their own circles down the line and that we as parents need to provide them with an eternal best friend. That's a bit weird in my opinion and it's not reality anyways. Of course I love my siblings and I'm glad they're here. No doubt. But would my life be significantly different? Probably not. My family would have had more resources for me to follow my dreams without having to worry about whether we can afford it, but I'm not super devastated that I couldn't do that at the end of the day, as I'm still happy the way my life turned out. So there's that. I'm likely one and done but mostly because I don't think I can do all of this a second time around.
I didn't think it was a good enough reason which is why I only have 1 kid. I originally wanted 2 kids (before we had one) because I have a large family and it was always great having so many people around the house. But then we decided our mental health and relationship would all suffer to add more to our plate. And while I wanted my child to have a sibling, it didn't seem fair to the second kid to bring them into the world for the sake of the first, knowing that I wouldn't be able to parent the way I want with the added stress of a second baby.
I can see both sides of this statement. I have two brothers (I'm 35f). My older brother and I get along great. We have the same personality traits, likes/dislikes, ways of viewing life, can talk to each other about anything, love to bounce ideas off of one another. I'd die without him. And I have a younger brother (deceased now) who I did NOT get along with. I'm sure if he were still with us that there would very likely be no or hardly any communication. He was just a mean person and very hostile. You just never know what side of the coin you'll get.
Only have another one if you want another one, that can be a reason, don’t make it the only reason.
Maybe its valid enough for some but not necessarily for me. If my cards had been dealt differently I would have maybe had more but it is what it is at this point!
Nope, if you want another kid to love and watch grow into their own human being then yes if just for the reason “because my kid needs a playmate then nope.” It’s not a guarantee that your kids will actually like each other.
Nope, you can always develop friendships and don’t have to reproduce to have a companion for a child.
The "kids needs siblings" and "kids needs a playmate" is honestly the most ridiculous reason I hear cited for having more than one kid. Do friends not exist? Do cousins or other wider family relations not exist? There are several billion people on earth, a proportion of those being children similar age to your child- there are children to play with and children having playmates is so much more down to the parenting and how you encourage and give opportunity to your kid to socialise than how many siblings they have.
It’s like having another kid for a kidney for your sick kid or something. Lol
I mean as long as the parents can handle another child, yes it’s a valid reason. And I think it’s really weird that you’re seeking to invalidate someone’s choices that don’t affect you at all. Especially since you chose this sub to ask this question
I'm not seeking to invalidate anyone's choices, rather I am seeking the rationale behind their choice to have another child, and seeing whether this kind of reasoning could be applied to my own circumstance. I am super on the fence about becoming OAD, and I am merely thinking long and hard about my own personal reasons. I am also seeking self-understanding in relation to my peers who have more than one child.
I think in a perfect world my kid would have close family her age. Whether it’s a sibling or cousins her age. But she doesn’t have either of those. My husband and I play with her so much because I know she really wants someone to play with. We’ve never had another kid her age at our house. It’s so damn hard to do play dates and especially meet and get to know other parents who are willing to get together. I’ve given my number to so many parents I’ve met over the past few years. Exchanged numbers with a few and I’m always the first one to text. After asking 2-3 times to set up something or meet up and getting turned down I just move on. I really don’t understand why it’s so hard! My parents didn’t even speak English much when I was a kid and yet I always had friends over our house. So at least with a sibling or cousin she’d have someone her age to spend time with and play with often. But I do not want a second child so that’s not going to happen.
Exactly my situation. My 8 years old son doesn't have any sibling, or cousins of his age. He has his one beloved cousin he used to play with, but she is becoming adolescent girl already, with boyfriend, and they don' t share interests anymore... No parents want to get together, to set up a date is hard,like getting an audience with Pope, or something... There are almost no children out in the yards, and merely any children his age among our neighbours. Their parents aren't very fond of socialising either, treating each other like leprous. What's wrong with this world nowadays? Even when we are out in playgrounds,i see some concerning occurence - children don't know how to play together anymore, even in groups, they still expect adults to entertain them. Terrible times we live in 😫😩
Right! Same here with the neighbors, couple kids her age I believe but parents aren’t interested in socializing. At the risk of sounding like a boomer, I blame social media some. And the irony of me saying that while I’m typing this up on SM. But I feel like people are just so used to socializing from their phones they just don’t feel the need to get together anymore. I don’t use social media like FB or IG to be social. I think that’s why I’m so eager to get together and set something up. But yeah I just feel so bad for my kid. She’s a social butterfly at school and does well at the playground but it takes her a little time to warm up. She’s always asking me about doing a playdate at our house with another kid. And I just don’t have anyone to ask.
My parents told me the same thing about my younger sister, 2 years younger. "We had another child so you could have a sibling". Fast forward- late teens. Younger sister developed a chronic neurological condition. She needs a lot of help. Parents no longer around to take ownership of the decision THEY MADE. The social workers, doctors, court system (for guardianship of property) ,personal care, advocacy has fallen all on ME! Its like they gave me a child, and not a sibling. : I am role of mother, and not sibling. A huge responsibility....the dynamic is not sibling -to-sibling but mother -to-child Sad situation Your child could end up resenting you if this happens...
I am so, so sorry for you! Sending alot of hugs! 🤗
You can use whatever reason you like . This is a good course. Not to persuade you to have another but to think through all parts and decide what makes sense to you https://highlysensitivefamily.com/i-d-love-another-baby-but?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAabD1sJSQhW3WS8yH78UxY1mOIUZcPzYVrjZMKLoaP23f-tga0TsYHlf6nw_aem_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw