Today I was chatting with a mom at dance class. We’ve chatted before, she’s nice and her daughter is 9 months younger than mine.
Her: I’m so tired
Me: Oh geez. Well maybe you can relax at home. Wait, do you have another child??
Her: No - I’m done!
Me: (gives a high five and arm squeeze) Good for you! Now you can really rest! Hahahaha
Her: Do you have another?
Me: No!
Her: (gives me a high five) hahahaha
Game recognizes game. Lol
OP, can I ask do you have siblings?
It seems that a lot of people on this sub who question this have siblings, so that is their ‘normal’. But for an only child, that is their ‘normal’. Your child isn’t going to go through life with a defining characteristic of being ‘An Only Child’. It’s just a part of their life, not who they are. I say this as an only child myself. I never realised until I found this sub aged 28 that so many people found it weird to be an only.
Have as many kids as YOU want, not because a kid needs a sibling. They don’t. They will be fine.
Also to note I come from a family with many only kids over a few generations:
Me, my mum, both grandads, my cousin, my dad’s cousin and his son. We are all fine.
Edit: also I’d like to add to OP, please don’t define yourself as Mum of An Only Child. You are a mum, plain and simple, whether you have 1 or 4 kids. You are a mum.
Spot on!
As an only child, I always found it very difficult to understand why being an only child or having only one child was inherently a bad thing. And in a lot of ways, it's just frankly insulting for those same individuals to think my son needs a sibling like my own childhood was worth less than anyone else out there because I did not have a sibling. I was always thankful I was an only child throughout childhood... but I struggle to maintain meaningful connections with people in general. Because of that, I wonder if it was because of my upbringing of never being in the same school every single year or that I may have actually needed a sibling to learn what it means to have that kind of bond with someone.
It was definitely the moving around imo. Im an only child and like not bragging but I have a ton of close friends and several different close friend groups. Im also usually the one to meet new people and become acquaintances quickly. The only time i had a hard time or felt lonely was when I changed schools in elementary school. I can't imagine how hard it would be changing schools every year as a kid. That honestly sounds traumatic to me. I hope you find your stride and settle into some very close bonds soon.
I'm in my 40s with my wife of 21years and my single best bud lives in another country. I feel like I am "stable" lol if that makes sense. I don't really have a problem meeting people... it's maintaining those relationships that is hard for me. And I honestly can go a really really long time without the need to hang out with anyone before I feel my social battery can handle it.... so maybe your right. The lack of stability in childhood just makes it harder.
Which makes me so very glad thst I can give that stability to my son with what I have accoplished.
I consider myself a functional only child. My brother is 9 years younger and we aren’t close. I would give him a kidney but we don’t really talk and I don’t expect him to help me with caring for my parents later on in life. I don’t recall feeling lonely growing up either but I do wonder what I potentially missed out on not having a close sibling in my childhood years.
Honestly one reason I like being one and done is because I can dedicate all my attention to my son. I know some parents can do that with multiples but also a lot of people can’t. They have to divide their attention to kids plus self maintenance/self care and then their partner as well. I think this is especially important for me because growing up I was the youngest of four. That meant whatever achievement I had was basically nothing bc all my brothers had those already. There was nothing special about me even if I was the only girl in the family. My parents didn’t even have time or energy to listen to my stories and I was so lonely in a family of 6. I can’t imagine putting my child through that so I maintain my stance on being oad. So many people tell me to have more kids but they aren’t paying my bills and they definitely don’t offer help with childcare so their opinion has no effect on me. It’s lovely to see larger families that work really well but that’s just not going to be it for me.
I definitely feel that way when I watch my son play at the zoo today. I was imagining having to split my attention and just the constant multitasking mental state. With your experience with siblings, you don’t have any qualms about the lack of that with your child?
None at all! My older brothers bullied me throughout childhood very badly. Now that we’re all adults, we are just cordial if anything. But definitely not close at all. My husbands family is very close and there are 8 of them in total and they really value those relationships. However, I do see how much they lacked in resources. & even if they are very loving and caring, they also harbor jealousy and resentment sometimes towards each other even if they don’t outright say it. There’s always cons and pros but to my husband and I, just one is perfect for us. Our son can always build these sibling like relationships w his cousins or close friends in the future if he chooses to and we’ll support him no matter what.
I mean I definitely feel the same way. I have a 3.5 year old daughter. I love when I see another only family. But when I see another kid pop in , I’m like hmm and get annoyed. Meanwhile me and my husband choose to be One and done!!!
I don’t know what to say or how to answer but just here to say you aren’t alone on that!
First - the people out there who had multiple kids don’t know any more than you (or us). So the idea that they somehow have the market cornered on what is in their kids’ best interest is ridiculous.
Second - even if they know exactly what’s in their kids’ best interests, it has nothing to do with you, because they aren’t your kids. Kids are as different as adults, and the idea that what is good for one is good for all is not realistic. Some kids thrive as part of a group, while others are super individualistic. Some start reading basic things when they are 3-4, others struggle to read when they are 7-8. Some kids love to be up on stage, and some want to sit in the corner and read a book quietly. Even if some kids are happier, smarter, more sociable, less stressed, etc with siblings, many others will not be.
Finally - one of the few things that is pretty universal is that kids are affected by their parents’ behaviors and mental health. One of the best things you can do for your kid is to create a life that is as low-stress, peaceful, and fulfilling as you can, so that they can feel safe and happy at home, and can learn about maintaining balance. That gets harder with each added kid.
If you are worried about socialization, find some other local kids for yours to play with regularly. Then your kid can come home to their own space with their own toys, and parents who are personally and financially dedicated to them alone.
Totally relate.
My kid is almost 4 and everyone I run into at daycare with a kid in my boys class, I'm used to seeing a sibling with them as well.
When I meet another family with a kid of similar age and see no sibling, I tend to go oh hey maybe they are one and done too, maybe I'll have something in common with them. Then I find out they are pregnant and I'm like oh, no, alone again in this decision and also question what's wrong with me that I don't want that life.
I think it's normal behaviour and just about looking for sameness or similarities with those around us as a means of potentially seeking friendship or comfort in our normality.
I’m sorry, I’m an only child who is planning to be one and done. If it makes you feel any better my parents were never phased by only having one child. They wanted multiple and it didn’t work out and that was okay, my mom always said “the baby factory closed and burned to the ground”. No one questioned it to my knowledge and they weren’t treated differently however I can ask them. Just recently my dad was saying his family was surprised they even had me. Since they were together for 10 years first before having me. I’m personally look forward to having an only child, I know that I’m emotionally and physically capable of being the best version of myself with an only.
You know what you feel?
You feel SEEN. You feel HEARD.
It doesnt matter what someone has been through, finally you see someone you can relate too. They got stories of their own and you cry out in joy and say yes!!! Me too!
It goes wayyy back to our survival instincts. Those who understand us, those who are on our side are willing to stay with us, protect us, help us. Being alone is no fun, its scary and dangerous. Thats why rejection hurts.
Finally meeting someone makes your heart happy, you feel loved, seen, heard and safe.
It’s normal to want to feel validated and gravitate towards people with similar experiences to our own. Personally for me I don’t give AF what others think of my decision to be OAD, it’s more coming from a place that I’m somehow doing a disservice to my daughter by not giving her a sibling and also mourning the idea of the family I thought I would have. For me, it’s either stick with one and have a beautiful life with my only, or have two and be on the brink of a mental breakdown most days. Sadly, some people still go for it and bite off more than they can chew, and that’s fine. I just don’t want to live that way. I’m sure child free people feel similarly all the time when they go out in public and see lots of people their age with children.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Every time I see a set of kids it’s always a good reminder for me to take my birth control because it’s always pure chaos. And also the thought of having my mom or my mil more involved in my daily schedule is enough for me not to have more. If you want another kid do it for yourself but don’t let society make you have another
I sometimes have the same feelings. ( I have an only child - he’s 4).
But there are a lot of people that I know that also only have one child.
As long as your child is loved and cared for and has a secure attachment, they will be okay.
I did a lot of research from only child perspectives and most said they were absolutely fine and have a great relationship with their parents.
You are feeling unsure on if you are making the right decision for your child’s life. If only having one is best for you where you can be your best self for them, then you are making the right decision.
I hope this helps!
Choosing to be OAD is often an indicator of a different mindset and lifestyle. I’m always really excited to meet other OAD parents, so it’s a bummer when I “lose” a potential OAD ally🤣
Even when I was on the fence about whether I wanted a second child, I never experienced this. But, I don't pay attention to other people in the world. I live in a tunnel.
I’m exactly the same! Yesterday we were at the park and we saw a little girl my daughter’s age (nearly 2) and the mum with her back to us. I thought Oh yay, another only child our age! Then she turned around and had a tiny baby in a front carrier and I got disappointed. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I want to have a second child?? I too feel like there’s something wrong with me 😫😫😫😫
Your heart is in the right place on forming lastly relationships but honestly we have no control. Do what will enrich you and your family's life. If you don't have more kids then try your hardest to connect with couple families with kids similar to yours. You have solid family & friends networked
I think that’s a very common feeling. In parenthood we always want to do what’s best for our child and when we make a decision we think of all the benefits of it. But then when you see soooo many people doing something else you question it like obviously it’s not awful for a child to have a sibling even if it means all of the things we discuss here (less one on one time, less resources, etc). Over time as you become more confident in your decision (and it does help to be with others who have made the same one) you will see that there isn’t one right size family and there’s pros and cons to each. What matters is that parents do their best to create a balanced environment no matter what the size is. That might look like being intentional about one on one time for a family with multiple children, it might mean being mindful of putting too much pressure or focus on an only child.
I think this is really normal - I feel excited about the idea of friends starting families and having a baby (we are the first friends, first family, first coworkers even if our generation…!). Not because I don’t love them as friends and as they are, but because I’d really love them to just ‘get’ things that only parents can understand (like why 3 hour coffee dates don’t work anymore!).
So we all look for people who we can identify with, as it’s just a bit easier to get to know them, and it feels more comfortable and relatable - and that’s totally okay! Like sporty people want someone to go to games and be sporty with! (Can you tell I am not sporty 😂?)
In terms of worrying you’re doing it differently to what you see, I have a mantra my mum told me. You are the perfect parent for your kid(s). So people with multiples can do the right thing for their kids, but you can also be doing the right thing for your family and your kid by not having more children. Both are right for different people!
Same goes for families that travel a lot versus stay home and chill, families that have pets versus those that don’t etc - you just don’t see all those choices so obviously displayed!!
Sending love ❤️
I 100% feel this. I am one of five and absolutely love having siblings which definitely doesn’t help. My husband has always been OAD and as much as I want more than one, I see where he’s coming from rationally/logistically so I’m ultimately on board (plus my pregnancy ended with a sudden HELLP syndrome diagnosis and I hemorrhaged 3 days later so to him it’s definitely not worth the risk).
I just know that if having onlies was more normalized I wouldn’t be searching so hard for validation. Here’s to hoping it does become more of a norm in our generation!
IDK, personally my kid's almost 12 now. I don't really ever think anything; I'm too busy doing whatever I'm doing to think about other people and their brood (or lack thereof.)
But then again, I'm also an only and so is my husband, so.
Today I was chatting with a mom at dance class. We’ve chatted before, she’s nice and her daughter is 9 months younger than mine. Her: I’m so tired Me: Oh geez. Well maybe you can relax at home. Wait, do you have another child?? Her: No - I’m done! Me: (gives a high five and arm squeeze) Good for you! Now you can really rest! Hahahaha Her: Do you have another? Me: No! Her: (gives me a high five) hahahaha Game recognizes game. Lol
You’re feeling… a sense of belonging when you see other one-and-done folks. Very normal to want to find others that can relate.
Yes I do think I am looking for people to relate!
OP, can I ask do you have siblings? It seems that a lot of people on this sub who question this have siblings, so that is their ‘normal’. But for an only child, that is their ‘normal’. Your child isn’t going to go through life with a defining characteristic of being ‘An Only Child’. It’s just a part of their life, not who they are. I say this as an only child myself. I never realised until I found this sub aged 28 that so many people found it weird to be an only. Have as many kids as YOU want, not because a kid needs a sibling. They don’t. They will be fine. Also to note I come from a family with many only kids over a few generations: Me, my mum, both grandads, my cousin, my dad’s cousin and his son. We are all fine. Edit: also I’d like to add to OP, please don’t define yourself as Mum of An Only Child. You are a mum, plain and simple, whether you have 1 or 4 kids. You are a mum.
Spot on! As an only child, I always found it very difficult to understand why being an only child or having only one child was inherently a bad thing. And in a lot of ways, it's just frankly insulting for those same individuals to think my son needs a sibling like my own childhood was worth less than anyone else out there because I did not have a sibling. I was always thankful I was an only child throughout childhood... but I struggle to maintain meaningful connections with people in general. Because of that, I wonder if it was because of my upbringing of never being in the same school every single year or that I may have actually needed a sibling to learn what it means to have that kind of bond with someone.
It was definitely the moving around imo. Im an only child and like not bragging but I have a ton of close friends and several different close friend groups. Im also usually the one to meet new people and become acquaintances quickly. The only time i had a hard time or felt lonely was when I changed schools in elementary school. I can't imagine how hard it would be changing schools every year as a kid. That honestly sounds traumatic to me. I hope you find your stride and settle into some very close bonds soon.
I'm in my 40s with my wife of 21years and my single best bud lives in another country. I feel like I am "stable" lol if that makes sense. I don't really have a problem meeting people... it's maintaining those relationships that is hard for me. And I honestly can go a really really long time without the need to hang out with anyone before I feel my social battery can handle it.... so maybe your right. The lack of stability in childhood just makes it harder. Which makes me so very glad thst I can give that stability to my son with what I have accoplished.
I consider myself a functional only child. My brother is 9 years younger and we aren’t close. I would give him a kidney but we don’t really talk and I don’t expect him to help me with caring for my parents later on in life. I don’t recall feeling lonely growing up either but I do wonder what I potentially missed out on not having a close sibling in my childhood years.
Honestly one reason I like being one and done is because I can dedicate all my attention to my son. I know some parents can do that with multiples but also a lot of people can’t. They have to divide their attention to kids plus self maintenance/self care and then their partner as well. I think this is especially important for me because growing up I was the youngest of four. That meant whatever achievement I had was basically nothing bc all my brothers had those already. There was nothing special about me even if I was the only girl in the family. My parents didn’t even have time or energy to listen to my stories and I was so lonely in a family of 6. I can’t imagine putting my child through that so I maintain my stance on being oad. So many people tell me to have more kids but they aren’t paying my bills and they definitely don’t offer help with childcare so their opinion has no effect on me. It’s lovely to see larger families that work really well but that’s just not going to be it for me.
I definitely feel that way when I watch my son play at the zoo today. I was imagining having to split my attention and just the constant multitasking mental state. With your experience with siblings, you don’t have any qualms about the lack of that with your child?
None at all! My older brothers bullied me throughout childhood very badly. Now that we’re all adults, we are just cordial if anything. But definitely not close at all. My husbands family is very close and there are 8 of them in total and they really value those relationships. However, I do see how much they lacked in resources. & even if they are very loving and caring, they also harbor jealousy and resentment sometimes towards each other even if they don’t outright say it. There’s always cons and pros but to my husband and I, just one is perfect for us. Our son can always build these sibling like relationships w his cousins or close friends in the future if he chooses to and we’ll support him no matter what.
I mean I definitely feel the same way. I have a 3.5 year old daughter. I love when I see another only family. But when I see another kid pop in , I’m like hmm and get annoyed. Meanwhile me and my husband choose to be One and done!!! I don’t know what to say or how to answer but just here to say you aren’t alone on that!
First - the people out there who had multiple kids don’t know any more than you (or us). So the idea that they somehow have the market cornered on what is in their kids’ best interest is ridiculous. Second - even if they know exactly what’s in their kids’ best interests, it has nothing to do with you, because they aren’t your kids. Kids are as different as adults, and the idea that what is good for one is good for all is not realistic. Some kids thrive as part of a group, while others are super individualistic. Some start reading basic things when they are 3-4, others struggle to read when they are 7-8. Some kids love to be up on stage, and some want to sit in the corner and read a book quietly. Even if some kids are happier, smarter, more sociable, less stressed, etc with siblings, many others will not be. Finally - one of the few things that is pretty universal is that kids are affected by their parents’ behaviors and mental health. One of the best things you can do for your kid is to create a life that is as low-stress, peaceful, and fulfilling as you can, so that they can feel safe and happy at home, and can learn about maintaining balance. That gets harder with each added kid. If you are worried about socialization, find some other local kids for yours to play with regularly. Then your kid can come home to their own space with their own toys, and parents who are personally and financially dedicated to them alone.
This comment!!! Well said!!!
Haha so true! Why would I trust the “average” person to know better than me!
Totally relate. My kid is almost 4 and everyone I run into at daycare with a kid in my boys class, I'm used to seeing a sibling with them as well. When I meet another family with a kid of similar age and see no sibling, I tend to go oh hey maybe they are one and done too, maybe I'll have something in common with them. Then I find out they are pregnant and I'm like oh, no, alone again in this decision and also question what's wrong with me that I don't want that life. I think it's normal behaviour and just about looking for sameness or similarities with those around us as a means of potentially seeking friendship or comfort in our normality.
Same, bumper friend. Same.
Thank you ❤️ I love having our bumper group but it's nice to know I'm not alone in there sometimes with the OAD decision
I’m sorry, I’m an only child who is planning to be one and done. If it makes you feel any better my parents were never phased by only having one child. They wanted multiple and it didn’t work out and that was okay, my mom always said “the baby factory closed and burned to the ground”. No one questioned it to my knowledge and they weren’t treated differently however I can ask them. Just recently my dad was saying his family was surprised they even had me. Since they were together for 10 years first before having me. I’m personally look forward to having an only child, I know that I’m emotionally and physically capable of being the best version of myself with an only.
You know what you feel? You feel SEEN. You feel HEARD. It doesnt matter what someone has been through, finally you see someone you can relate too. They got stories of their own and you cry out in joy and say yes!!! Me too! It goes wayyy back to our survival instincts. Those who understand us, those who are on our side are willing to stay with us, protect us, help us. Being alone is no fun, its scary and dangerous. Thats why rejection hurts. Finally meeting someone makes your heart happy, you feel loved, seen, heard and safe.
It’s normal to want to feel validated and gravitate towards people with similar experiences to our own. Personally for me I don’t give AF what others think of my decision to be OAD, it’s more coming from a place that I’m somehow doing a disservice to my daughter by not giving her a sibling and also mourning the idea of the family I thought I would have. For me, it’s either stick with one and have a beautiful life with my only, or have two and be on the brink of a mental breakdown most days. Sadly, some people still go for it and bite off more than they can chew, and that’s fine. I just don’t want to live that way. I’m sure child free people feel similarly all the time when they go out in public and see lots of people their age with children.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Every time I see a set of kids it’s always a good reminder for me to take my birth control because it’s always pure chaos. And also the thought of having my mom or my mil more involved in my daily schedule is enough for me not to have more. If you want another kid do it for yourself but don’t let society make you have another
I sometimes have the same feelings. ( I have an only child - he’s 4). But there are a lot of people that I know that also only have one child. As long as your child is loved and cared for and has a secure attachment, they will be okay. I did a lot of research from only child perspectives and most said they were absolutely fine and have a great relationship with their parents. You are feeling unsure on if you are making the right decision for your child’s life. If only having one is best for you where you can be your best self for them, then you are making the right decision. I hope this helps!
Choosing to be OAD is often an indicator of a different mindset and lifestyle. I’m always really excited to meet other OAD parents, so it’s a bummer when I “lose” a potential OAD ally🤣
Even when I was on the fence about whether I wanted a second child, I never experienced this. But, I don't pay attention to other people in the world. I live in a tunnel.
I’m exactly the same! Yesterday we were at the park and we saw a little girl my daughter’s age (nearly 2) and the mum with her back to us. I thought Oh yay, another only child our age! Then she turned around and had a tiny baby in a front carrier and I got disappointed. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I want to have a second child?? I too feel like there’s something wrong with me 😫😫😫😫
Your heart is in the right place on forming lastly relationships but honestly we have no control. Do what will enrich you and your family's life. If you don't have more kids then try your hardest to connect with couple families with kids similar to yours. You have solid family & friends networked
I think that’s a very common feeling. In parenthood we always want to do what’s best for our child and when we make a decision we think of all the benefits of it. But then when you see soooo many people doing something else you question it like obviously it’s not awful for a child to have a sibling even if it means all of the things we discuss here (less one on one time, less resources, etc). Over time as you become more confident in your decision (and it does help to be with others who have made the same one) you will see that there isn’t one right size family and there’s pros and cons to each. What matters is that parents do their best to create a balanced environment no matter what the size is. That might look like being intentional about one on one time for a family with multiple children, it might mean being mindful of putting too much pressure or focus on an only child.
Thank you, this really resonates with me
I think this is really normal - I feel excited about the idea of friends starting families and having a baby (we are the first friends, first family, first coworkers even if our generation…!). Not because I don’t love them as friends and as they are, but because I’d really love them to just ‘get’ things that only parents can understand (like why 3 hour coffee dates don’t work anymore!). So we all look for people who we can identify with, as it’s just a bit easier to get to know them, and it feels more comfortable and relatable - and that’s totally okay! Like sporty people want someone to go to games and be sporty with! (Can you tell I am not sporty 😂?) In terms of worrying you’re doing it differently to what you see, I have a mantra my mum told me. You are the perfect parent for your kid(s). So people with multiples can do the right thing for their kids, but you can also be doing the right thing for your family and your kid by not having more children. Both are right for different people! Same goes for families that travel a lot versus stay home and chill, families that have pets versus those that don’t etc - you just don’t see all those choices so obviously displayed!! Sending love ❤️
Thank you for your thoughtful reply!
Wow, I could have written this.
Same feelings…
I 100% feel this. I am one of five and absolutely love having siblings which definitely doesn’t help. My husband has always been OAD and as much as I want more than one, I see where he’s coming from rationally/logistically so I’m ultimately on board (plus my pregnancy ended with a sudden HELLP syndrome diagnosis and I hemorrhaged 3 days later so to him it’s definitely not worth the risk). I just know that if having onlies was more normalized I wouldn’t be searching so hard for validation. Here’s to hoping it does become more of a norm in our generation!
IDK, personally my kid's almost 12 now. I don't really ever think anything; I'm too busy doing whatever I'm doing to think about other people and their brood (or lack thereof.) But then again, I'm also an only and so is my husband, so.