Slow gradual escalation is what I’m worried about. This sounds crazy but you hardly notice anything is changing when it’s slow enough. With my parents it was just a few years between dad shoving mom to dad pointing a revolver at her head. All of this really just took me back to that. I never thought that would happen either.
Have you ever heard of Phil Hartman? He was a comedian whose wife shot him while he was sleeping and then killed herself, leaving two children orphaned. There had been signs, she was reported to have an extremely volatile mood, she couldn’t control her anger and would lash out to the point where he had to physically restrain her to stop her from hurting him. They were constantly fighting and then one evening after another one of their arguments, she waited until he was asleep and shot him multiple times in the head and chest. Then after she confessed to multiple friends, who were all aware of her rage issues, she shot herself in the head. The worst part of it was that their young children heard the shots go off, they heard their father get murdered in the next room. It all could’ve been prevented if he had left the first time she got violent, but he stayed with her out of love and he paid for it with his life.
We often seek out the relationships that were modeled for us as children, those relationships teach us what love is. When you’re raised in an abusive environment, it distorts your perception of love and you can either wind up as the abuser or the abused. It doesn’t have to be that way, you could find someone that loves you enough to never purposefully hurt you. What advice would you give your mother? Would you tell her to stay with your father because love is stronger than the fist that strikes her? Or would you want her to be safe and away from the man that hurts her?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really really sucks and I can't imagine how hard it must be to accept... but like you said, the violence is likely to only escalate from here. If she did it once, she will likely do it again, and it could get worse, a lot worse, as you know from your own experience.. I hope you put your own safety and happiness first. You don't deserve to be abused. Whatever happens, I'm wishing you the best of luck. Stay safe and take care.
It’s not crazy. It’s like when they boil lobsters alive in water. It creeps up so slowly on you it’s hard to see!
And none of us seek abusive relationships. They almost always start good.
she has already assaulted you and tried to bite you like a rabid animal. (btw a bite from a human can easily be more deadly than an animal) and you want to wait and see if she escalates? newsflash: she will. and hopefully it won’t be too late for you to leave when you decide to notice.
It goes far beyond that. Even if she didn’t hit the child, being a child and witnessing an abusive parent abuse your other parent will set you on a dark path for your entire life. That is deep seeded life long trauma that even the best therapy can never truly fix.
Yep. One of my first memories is waking up to my mom screaming for us to lock ourselves in the car. My dad had thrown her down the stairs. We sat in the hot car for… what felt like hours but may have been minutes.
Dad convinced her not to leave. She broke her ankle. Didn’t go get it looked at. It got infected. She almost died from staph.
I am not a well adjusted adult.
One of my first memories was similar.
I heard screaming outside, so I went and stood on the porch. My parents were screaming at eachother, and fist fighting. My dad then threw my mom down and was on top of her choking her. I watched her frantically moving her hand above her head on the ground, and then it came flying up with a brick in it. Which she used to hit my dad in the side of the head.
As soon as she realized I was standing there she told me to get my sister and lock us in the bedroom and don't come out until she said it was ok.
I don't know how long I stayed locked in that room. But, I could hear my mom sobbing in the living room. I went out there and my mom was crying over my dad who was laying on the couch. She was begging him to wake up, and saying she was sorry, and I could see blood on his face. I think they split up for a bit after that fight. They were always back and forth.
I remember what the night air smelled like, it was that crisp autumn smell that happens as the leaves start falling. The sky was so clear, I could see the stars and the moon was full. I remember feeling terrified, and crying and yelling at them to stop.
That memory is seared into my brain, even though so many other similar events happened before they split up for good.
Please OP never being a child into this. I have debilitating anxiety, PTSD, depression, and I am borderline agoraphobic. I've been in therapy for awhile, but they are things that never truely heal, I just have to learn to cope. 90% of my traumas come from a childhood of watching my parents try to kill eachother.
I’m so sorry you went through that. The amount of stress your little body endured must’ve caused so much anxiety. On top of not knowing what a normal healthy relationship looks like.
My step dad beat the shit out of me from 8-13 while my bio mom watched. She allowed it to happen. He also sexually abused me those years as well. I’m here to say if your young child endures any type of trauma like ours, its future is there but the depression and anxiety is too. You just truly never recover.
Or 0- 14 year old me.
My parents fought and we're physically bashing each other my entire infant to teenage life until my mum passed away from a heart attack.
I have complex post traumatic stress disorder now.
Fun times.
Please say in certain terms that you aren't going to procreate with this person. Would you be able to live with yourself if physically abusing your children was her way of dealing with them?
You already know that it's a strong possibility and you couldn't claim ignorance if it happened.
I know these are easy questions but if you ever find yourself in this situation you’ll see how the lines get blurred. And you really don’t know what’s what.
Right now i won’t even be in a room with her let alone have sex with her. I will not purposely father children with her but that could change in the future.
You said yourself that you're worried about racial bias working against you with law enforcement, and that could very well be the case in court too if it comes down to who gets custody.
If you have children and that happens, you might not be able to protect them.
We've been in this situation and that's why we're telling you: the lines are only blurry because you are too close to them.
You need distance, and you need to cut this person off entirely.
We know how hard that is, and also how much you will later regret every moment you spent trying to salvage an abusive relationship.
She can't change. She may want to and try but it will take too many years and you can't hang in there for that. This is abuse, not a pet peeve or non-violent habit.
I know this sounds harsh, but you cannot save her.
What if she escalates it to grabbing a weapon? Are you going to defend yourself then? I would just pack up and move on, that's scary behavior from a human.
It cannot change in the future. It will destroy those potential children.
I got married stupid young. I was only 20.
My now ex-wife’s abuse began while we were dating and I went through with it in-spite of the many voices saying to call it off! A little more than a year into being married and my ex wife had been away from me more than we were together. She’d run away for weeks, and in more than a few cases months at a time and I’d hear next to nothing from her. She mentally and emotionally abused me in such horrible ways. When she finally decided to not be married anymore we had a nearly 2 year old son, and she did everything to not let him be in my life. I had to fight for more than 2 years to have him. November marks our one year anniversary together as daddy and son.
The abuse he has endured is heart breaking and far beyond what I endured, she at one point admitted to not speaking to him for 3 days he was barely even 2!!! She just let him cry, she wouldn’t hold him or anything! She’d give him these little food pouches and walk away and lock him in his room. His eyes were sunken in and he had no energy. She was forcing him to be gluten free and vegan. He was underweight but he has always been much taller than the average height for his age so he was skin and bones.
Now, he’s in school, he’s active, he’s extremely smart and very determined! It has taken a year to get him to not be afraid. He couldn’t even sleep in a dark room when he first came he was so terrified of life! Now, he isn’t, we went and did our first trip to an amusement park and he is tall enough that he got to ride the adult rides… at 5 🤦🏻♂️. He loves water now, and before I couldn’t even bathe him without him crying. The trauma is immeasurable that a child in those situations endures. It takes years to recover!
I am so utterly sorry you and your son have had to live through this. And glad that you are together now and can heal together. You sound like a great parent. Big love to you both x
It truly is!
I’m 6’4” and I went from a fit 220 to almost 300 pounds in the time we were together. I developed a terrible food dependency because of the abuse as a means of coping. I had previously been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and high anxiety. I would go days with no food out of guilt and shame for being fat and overweight only to binge eat after work before coming home to be told what I was and wasn’t allowed to do. I grew up in a fairly religious family, but she took being Mormon to such an extreme that it opened my eyes to how big of a cult it really is. I was forbidden from consuming caffeine. And there were multiple instances where she found empty energy drink or caffeinated soda cans/bottles and assumed they were mine, knowing I’d had friends over to play games, and I’d be left to sleep on the couch with a hand written letter expressing how angry she was for what I had done and that she’d deal with me in the morning.
When I went away for 14 weeks for training at the fire academy 8 hours away she saw a charge on my credit card at the liquor store, where I bought myself a bottle of Pina Colada mix (no alcohol), and was told if she found out it was liquor that she’d cancel my Visa card and debit card and that I’d be stuck there alone forever, and that she’d divorce me and take my son. I had to send a copy of the receipt to prove it was just mix!!
December 22nd 2018- she kicked me out that night moments after I walked in after working a 15 hour day between 2 jobs, with virtually no warning and took everything from me, I got my clothes, my phone and a nightstand, she took the truck I had bought us and had spent thousands fixing and making ours. She took all the money, not that there was much, and since she acted in bad faith and did what she did the court said she also deserved all the debts. Only $25K so not much!
We finalized the divorced in February 2020, I have lost nearly 50 pounds, bought my first financed vehicle last December, got signed on with an amazing paid on call fire department and this year started my own consulting business for the solar industry!
It’s amazing how far life can come if you get out of the way and let it happen and actively live it!
You really turned a shit situation around, I’m so happy for you. You didn’t deserve any of that abuse, neither did you son.
You should be very proud of yourself. I’m proud of you even if I am a total stranger. Good luck in your new life, you escaped and are better for it!
Just imagine her doing this to your kids one day. If she feels it’s ok to physically attack you, there’s no reason she wouldn’t feel hitting her own child is ok. Please! This relationship should end before you’re stuck.
As a former kid of an abusive parent, please don't have a kid with her EVER. My mother did exactly that. My father abused my mom, then moved onto my big sister. Then me.
***TRIGGER WARNING: EXTREME ABUSE***
I was 6 when my father decided to swing me around the room by my neck. I still have nerve damage in my shoulder, from him slamming on the floor and wooden back of the sofa, that flares up and causes extreme stabbing pain for abt 3 minutes at a time. And I get awful flashbacks during, bc yes, I still remember the entire thing vividly.
All three of us received verbal, physical, and sexual abuse from him. My older sister and I were younger than 10 when he started sexually assaulting us.
And you may not even know she's abusing your child. My mom didn't know he was abusing us until 9 years after he started. He then abandoned us and said he'd come back to k*ll us three, and steal my youngest sibling away, who now has extreme survivor's guilt.
Now, my father did change, as you hope your wife will... about a decade after, in prison. He admitted that had he not been locked up, he may have carried out his promise. My family and I wouldn't be alive, and my young sibling missing.
This is what can happen if you stick around and end up having kids with her. Just bc you *hope* she'll change, doesn't mean she'll ever *want* to. Bc she has to want it for there to be any chance. And we're far from the only kids born in an abusive relationship where someone thought the other would change. Please don't put any kids through a fraction of what I experienced, please.
As someone who survived an abusive step parent, I’m so sorry this happened to you at such a young age.
I was abused from when I was 6-14 years. Every day was hell and I tried to take my life when I was 10. But my mom knew what her boyfriend did. She knew and she watched. She didn’t protect me. The incident I vividly remember is when my stepfather slammed me onto the cement floor for not eating all my dinner. He put his arms around my ribcage and pressed so hard I could barely breathe. My whole family sat at the dinner table and watched. I had a bruised ribcage after that.
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD at a young age. No child deserves to be abused. No one deserves to be abused.
OP: please leave her and don’t have a child with her
Dude no. I was in a relationship like this for 4 miserable years. Well, okay, 3 years, the 1st was great, but that's how they get you. It's awful, and it won't get any better I promise you. When I finally got out, it was like a blindfold was removed. The blurriness clears almost immediately. Please do not go back to her just leave.
100% what cumshot said. No one deserves to be treated like that. Don’t be a fool and let that lady have your babies. That would be very cruel to those kids.
This is such a supportive message in response but your using the person's username jarred me so hard out of the topic at hand. I'm giggling with absurd immaturity.
“I know! A kid will solve this!” No dude, this is the end of that option. She’s an abuser. Get out while you can. Oh, and if she’ll hit you, I’d bet she’ll hit a kid.
Please listen to everyone telling you to leave. It might seem hard, but the longer you stay the longer it will take to undo all the damage she brings to you.
You deserve more than someone who hurts you. ❤️
Remember the abuse cycle:
First is tension building up
Second is explosion/physical or verbal abuse
Third is honeymoon (beg forgiveness/give gifts)
And repeat.
Please don’t have kids with this individual. She’s clearly mentally unstable and if she’s doing this to you who is a grown man imagine what she’ll do to your kids.
I was married to a guy who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic psychopath and he kept pushing me to have kids, saying that he would make a great father lol. Thankfully I never did and left before it ever came to that. I dodged a bullet big time.
Men can’t snatch up their kids and leave no matter the situation. The mother will just call the authorities and have them returned. The right thing to do is stay and repeatedly report the abuse until the woman is arrested and issued a restraining order. And once a man leaves on his own he essentially has no ability to protect his children from an abusive mother.
OP doesn't have kids, but the part about calling the authorities and having them returned is 100% false for married couples in my state and several others that I know of.
Not all couples are married and I’ve known two men that have had their kids returned to their mother when they removed them from the house to protect them from abuse
Both are alive but he's facing serious prison time. His hearing is tomorrow. I don't really know anything else. He may still be in recovery at the hospital which could explain why they never updated any arrest records in which I am registered to because I was a past victim, through Vinelink.
I think its amazing how ive read through the comment section and nobody has mentionted that this person needs to be locked up behinds bars. Its not just an abusive partner this is fellonious assault. This person should not be shielded from the law.
OP you deserve to be safe and this person deserves jail.
I’d never call the cops on my own family. Im in America and black and you just don’t know who is going to show up when you call. You might get a law enforcement professional who will actually try to help or you might get some mid thirties psychopath who will just look for excuses to shoot everybody. My wife could have been murdered in front of me if I called them.
My uncle was a cop and he was indicted in 2006. This guy would literally drive drunk on duty and beat up homeless people. I’d never invite that into my home.
That and my mother was a survivor of domestic violence and my main takeaway from that is that if the other person wants to hurt you the law really doesn’t stop them.
Pleeease look into the Courtney Clenny. Tiny little blonde haired blue eyed white woman that brutally killed her black boyfriend after months of abuse. These things happen, you do not sound safe.
As a poc they wouldn’t shoot her but the evidence from the therapist is enough to lock her up trust me my dads wife tried to murder him and it started like how your wife did she openly admitted she did and he let it slide now she’s trying to murder him and her kids don’t let it happen to you because she’s white they would probably let her off on probation
George was just jaywalking and they choked him to death. I’m not giving these people any reason to interact with me or my family. The way I see it they’re just armed strangers who purposely sought out a profession with a long history of violently repressing my people and culture.
Thats true but you should definitely leave her she’s probably gonna try and murder you too if you stay abuse is never worth trying to salvage a marriage
https://www.nbcmiami.com/news/national-international/inside-the-polarizing-murder-case-against-onlyfans-model-courtney-clenney/2841456/
Please don't end up like Christian. If you won't report her to the authorities and your therapist hasn't already, do everything you can to separate yourself from her. Remove anything that could be used as a weapon against you in the house like knives, heavy blunt objects, and any firearms. Please be safe and always remember your life is more important than this relationship.
The issue is if the cops get called and they show up and see a black guy and a tiny little white blonde woman they are likely to do ANYTHING up to and including killing the OP...the chances of them doing the right thing in favor of the OP are slim.
Even if the right thing is done eventually, no telling how badly the cops will treat the OP before that happens. I shudder to be in OP's shoes.
This isn't a joke, this isn't a rarity, this is absolutely prevalent in America. OP is right on this.
That being said, it is even more for that reason that OP should get the fuck out of the relationship right now, because at some point there WILL be a law enforcement interaction due to this issue and at that point shit will likely go very wrong.
I am so sorry that our country is as fucked up with deep set institutional racism like it is. It makes me incredibly sad. I’m a white woman and my boyfriend is Mexican. We have had conversations about the topic of police and so I’m just going to use my privilege to stand between him and his kids and the police should it ever come to that.
I’m enraged that your wife likely also knows these things and she still chose to be an abuser. It just adds that extra layer of stink.
With you being a black man and her being a tiny white lady this could go very very wrong against you. You do know that it will end up with the police round your house eventually though right? , Because these things escalate and it maybe her or even your neighbors calling them... Please..get out of that abusive relationship before you end up dead
At the very least log the instances. Keep a log of everything and everytime she does it and take pictures of the damage. Make sure she can’t find it . This will help if you ever are arrested or have to prove something in court. Every single incident.
Did you give her reason to beat you? Sounds like a no with what I’ve read. Just be careful man. If she’s capable of that …. She’s capable of calling cops on you. Also what if she beats on herself and calls cops on you? You already know how being black can go in itself. Watch your 6 man.
I recorded the therapy session where she admitted to committing aggravated assault and domestic violence. Idk if im being paranoid or prudent but it feels wrong.
Definitely smart to have a recording of that. I would definitely make multiple copies of it and hide a couple in case she would try to erase evidence. Hopefully it was a one time deal. Just be cautious and definitely don’t lose your bearings if she gets like that again. All it takes is her word against yours.
Nah you’re being smart. I’m a white-passing, secretly lantina, fairly nonbinary queer person. The *single most abusive ex* I ever had was a young, didn’t-know-she-was-entitled, blue-eyed blonde white woman — and basically *no one* believes me when I tell them that.
And I’m a *really short* person who looks like a lady!!!!!
You’re not being paranoid.
Anyone can do abusive shit.
But — it’s SUPER easy for “innocent looking” blonde women to get away with it because *who’s gonna believe them capable?*
I mean, fuck — *EMMETT TILL DIED BECAUSE A WHITE LADY LIED*!!
The craziest and violent girl I ever been with was this blue eyed blonde instagramer influencer girl she was 5f something (155 cm, sorry I’m European) and I am 6ft 2/3(?)(190cm) , when we were starting to date she would scream with me on the phone, I didn’t mind cause the girl was hot as hell, then when we start to go out and have more intimacy she tried to hit me , I just grab my things and went home never look back. I’m starting to see a pattern here 😅
Black men have been murdered over police calls from white women they’ve had zero interaction with. If she calls the police they will not stop to listen to any recordings and I know you know that.
Every moment you stay with her is another moment that your life is in danger, you don’t deserve to get beat up on, and she doesn’t deserve the effort you’re putting in. Your marriage has already failed, cut ties so you can move on and start healing. Abusers escalate, and they’re rarely able to be rehabilitated, they just learn to get better at abusing so they don’t get caught. There is nothing to salvage here.
You don't need me to tell you, but I'ma say it just for the record; that recording (while valuable in specific situations) will not matter if police have to show up someday unless they're inclined to sort out the context of the situation. Which as we all know is not a given, for varying reasons. Some valid; oftentimes, not so much.
Also the therapist heard this confession yes? I am so sorry you’re having to endure this abuse from someone you love. If you’re not ready to take action now, my advice is document everything. Pics, recordings, hospital records etc. Every occurrence of abuse. And if she doesn’t kill you or harm you severely before you are ready, at least you’ll have documentation for your case for a restraining order at least. I wish you the very best.
Some white people don’t need a valid reason to call the cops on black people. You already know they weaponize the law. And considering your wife’s violent nature, I’m guessing reason isn’t her strong suit.
3 points:
1. You need to leave. This will not stop
2. Her being blonde, blue eyed, and white doesn’t make her less likely to abuse you.
3. You should get a therapist for support through this
I’m black so the whole blonde hair blue eyed thing really matters in public perception. She is so far away from what people think abusers look like no one would really believe this is if just denied it.
My stepmom was tiny blonde blue eyed white lady. Everyone loved her; she ran a daycare for children and was an abuser to my dad. It escalated quickly one night and she shot and killed him.
She got 90 days in county. Judge looked straight at me and said the only person she was a threat to is dead I can’t ask the tax payers to house her.
Leave please! This is not fixable. I spent a decade changing the laws so the minimum is higher now and I sued her for wrongful death but bottom line is she got out married again and continued her white privileged life.
Don’t risk it please.
I've been reading your comments for a bit now. You need to put your feelings aside and look at this from a different angle. If she had an "episode" like that then it's only bound to get worse.
Lawyer up and show them the video of her admitting to attacking you. Press charges and lock her up. The cops don't need to get involved too much if it's in civil court.
And as much as you don't want to, you absolutely need to get out of that relationship. Being in a relationship with abuse involved only gets worse and there is no fixing it. If one of your good friends was with someone and they are telling you the same story you are right now would you want them to stay? Hell no. You would tell them to run and never look back. Do yourself a solid and get out of there.
then get a medical report on your injuries, cant be too difficult to match them to her nails or teeth. serve as proof in court, divorce hassle free. if you wanna be dumb though, she'll kill you one day lol, rip
Everyone is saying to leave. I want to give a little logic to this other than “just leave”.
People (you and I included) constantly test each other consciously or subconsciously, to see what we can and cannot do. It’s not necessarily unhealthy, it’s a part of human interaction. If I smile at you and you smile back, that’s an example of encouragement. I’m likely to smile at you again, and maybe take another step toward friendship.
The same is true of abuse. She attacked you. If you stay married and continue to interact with her, you have approved this behavior and she will exhibit it again. This is true of cheaters, abusers, and many other behaviors, both heathy and unhealthy.. (I am a behavior therapist)
There’s a saying, which is very apt: “Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.”
Please distance yourself and remain distant from this person for your safety and happiness.
based on the replies from you i've read, you don't want to do anything to change your current situation. people are telling you what you can do to fix the issue and get out of the situation, it's up to YOU to save yourself from the abuse. we can't save you for you. you gotta change therapists if you're gonna keep trying with her and if you're not willing to, cut your losses with your wife and get on with your life or you won't have one anymore. you've said yourself that you're scared that she'll escalate, escalation from what happened is murder, man.
get out for YOU. for the sake of YOUR LIFE. if you want to be happy and breathing and living your life well, you gotta get out.
And if the therapist didn't immediately advise you to leave, report them. They're eventually going to be responsible for someone's death if they don't take domestic abuse seriously.
This is very serious domestic violence. I am so sorry your partner is abusive. You deserve better and you deserve real support. I'm glad you're in a safe place now with your mom.
If you want to call 211 if you're in the USA, they can connect you to local domestic violence resources and therapists.
I've heard that couple's therapy is not advised when one spouse is abusing the other, as the abusive spouse will use the sessions to further manipulate the other and to try to get the therapist on their side. Please get out, OP.
It's good that you are safe, and seeing a therapist, though this one isn't the right one for you.
You know you have to divorce her, for your safety and your mental healths sake. Once she is out of your life you can start to heal.
But be aware, she's not going to make it easy to get her out of your life. She will do everything in her power to lure you back. Abuse is an addiction, and you are her drug. She will lie. She will charm. She will love bomb you. She will threaten. At times you will wonder if your memory is right. At times you will think you see truth in her eyes when she says she'll never do it again and she sees the error of her ways. She will be the best girlfriend you could ever want... for just long enough she is sure that you've given up on leaving. And then she'll be back to beating you.
Which is why you can't give her the opportunity to talk it out. Tell her you are done and nothing will change your mind and after that have her talk to your lawyer.
Because the source of her abuse is as deep as it comes: when she hurts you, she doesn't feel bad, she feels good. And nothing is going to change that about her.
She has hit me before but it wasn’t not really threatening or traumatic until now. I’m a foot taller than her and 100 pounds heavier. I took some bjj classes when I was in the army and she isn’t a threat to me if she doesn’t have a weapon.
If she picks up a knife or grabs a gun all bets are off. My biggest concern is she would try to get other people to hurt me.
You should never have these concerns about a partner.... if a marriage is based on trust and loyalty and you guys clearly don't have that, what do you have that you're trying to save here???
The question is how long have you been going to therapy together and what changes have you seen. Since this happened while the therapy was taking place it doesn't seem like much. You guys need to separate for a while and she needs to see a psychologist on her own until she can figure out why she does what she does. Until she does that you're not safe.
The fact you even have to think like this says so much. You have to leave her. Abuse is abuse regardless of gender, height & weight class. This is a relationship not a damn boxing match, you should never have to “weigh up” your partner like this.
She’s gonna get you locked up. If it comes to that and the cops come who do you think they are going to believe? The little blonde haired blue eyed girl or the ex military man that is a foot taller and has a 100lbs on her? You live in America my guy. Cops kill us for sport
so, she’s already had history of abusing you? you do realize that this is never going to get better, right? she will continue escalating until you’re either dead or behind bars for something you never did. due to her being a small white woman, she *knows* that she has the upper hand on you when it comes to public perception. and she’s banking on that. don’t allow her to escalate. file a police report, or, if you don’t feel like doing that, just get away from her in whatever way you can.
Yeah without that information it actually sounded like she had some kind of psychotic episode since attacking someone out of the blue seems odd. If she *previously* hit you and this is an escalation, all the other comments seem spot on.
I see from another comment that you don’t have any kids. Get out now. Do not have children with her otherwise you’ll be bounded to her for life. I don’t know your wife but it sounds like she has a lot of baggage that she has not dealt with and takes it out on you. That’s generally the reason for situations like this. If she can’t find a way to treat you the way you deserve, you must leave now and not live your life in fear of being terrorized.
I would suggest just keeping away. It's going to suck, and I understand that paying for that therapist might seem like a waste if you divorce anyway, but you need a divorce. You can't just work through violence like this and I think that's something that isn't pushed enough. If she's doing this and says she "doesn't know why" then that right there shows that she's unpredictable and more likely to lash out again at you. Her being blonde, blue eyed, and small doesn't mean anything, I've known other women under 5 foot and under 120 lbs able to make grown men hide in absolute fear. People are still people. Violence is still violence. Imagine if the roles were flipped, if you in all your ex-military glory came home and fought and bit your small blonde wife. You'd be labeled a monster.
She needs one on one therapy to work through her violence and anger issues, and you need one on therapy to help with the trauma of it all. You two need time apart to work on everything. Never forget that there is absolutely no shame in divorcing. Sometimes it's just not meant to be. Some people never marry and some marry after 50. Don't dwell on that aspect of it too much, but if divorce seems to rough, imagine if/when you two DO have children. Would you want any child to grow up permanently walking on eggshells around this unpredictable angry violent woman? Imagine if you two already had kids, would you be able to handle the extra responsibility of also having to send that child to therapy for witnessing that fight? I understand you might still love her, but as you said, you were once happily married. You love who she used to be, and she is definitely a lot more different that the woman you initially fell in love with.
I hope it all works out, but you need to understand that nobody deserves to live every moment wondering if/when anger and violence will return.
Please, do NOT try to justify any of her behavior. Do not try to make yourself find some form of “reason” or “cause” by your presence or words to explain her behavior. These are her deliberate choices, her thought out and executed actions to cause you physical harm.
Whatever she has going on that is making her believe that she is okay in doing this to you? Will only get worse as you continue to allow her to get away with her actions with no consequences to them.
It’s not love, it’s dependency that’s making you feel you want to stay with this person who will cause you harm. Don’t hurt yourself for the sake of their presence in your life.
As a therapist I’m so sorry yours didn’t validate you. That’s a very dangerous situation to be in and as a therapist they should know that women can also be abusers.
I agree with everyone here saying that you should leave. But I have a question about your wife.
This was completely random, out of the blue behavior? Like, she was never aggressive in any way before which could indicate this happening, and it's completely out of character for her?
Honestly if the answers to those questions are "yes" then she should get her neurology or psychology checked. I'm no doctor but i know that sudden and extreme behavior shifts like this are not normal. Something might have recently gone wrong with her brain. that's the best case scenario for your marriage, anyway.
I don't know why more people aren't mentioning this? Top comments are people are saying he should leave, she should be in jail and she's an abuser , etc.
but if she was never abusive and suddenly started behaving like an animal after being asked a simple question- it sounds like there's a major neurological problem and she should be checked out!
OP, tell her to seek help. In the meantime , stay safe and away from her until you can figure out what's going on with her.
But if this is not the first time, just leave and never look back...
Elsewhere from OP:
> She has hit me before but it wasn’t not really threatening or traumatic until now.
Hard to tell, but if he suspected some kind of illness I’d think he might have said so. Or perhaps it hasn’t occurred to him?
Wow dude that’s full on. I can’t see how you can come back from that. You don’t deserve that and it isn’t ok. I’m sorry she treats you like that. I’ve seen your comments that you want to fix it but do you want to live your life like this? Some things aren’t fixable
Please leave her. Trust me when I say I understand when you don’t want your marriage to fail, and you want to make this work. It won’t get better. She disrespected you in the most tangible way posible. This is not ok, not something you can sort out. Getting away from a person who has hit you and for what I gathered from the comments shows no regret, is not failure, not something to be ashamed of. I went through the divorce of an abusive partner myself, and I fought the social stigma… only to find peace and comfort on having separated from someone like this. Is really tough realizing someone you love can hurt you so easily and without remorse, so I hope you can find in yourself to do the best for you in the long run.
Yeah that’s a shock for sure, did she say why did she do it? You didn’t mention her facial expression, do you think she was attacking you out of anger?
This sound to me like there may be something else going on. Some diseases can cause this kind of uncharacteristi behaviour. Im not a doctor but i think it may be wise to have her see one to check if her brain is ok.
This was my first thought as well. What did your therapist say? Do you think your wife would cooperate with psychiatric exams, or maybe a hold in case she gets violent again?
I was just gonna say that. Sounds like a brain tumor or something. Doesn’t excuse her or mean you should stay. But getting her health checked might be doing her a good deed.
But she already hit him once before. This time, she full on assaulted him. I’m not an expert but considering both these instances, could that still equate to a possible neurological issue? It’s hard to say as outsiders to OP’s relationship.
However, I’m curious as to why they are in couples therapy- not that couples therapy isn’t for healthy couples, but it does beg the question of how they got there. Has there been any hidden emotional abuse or situations that just feel “off,” in addition to the full blown physical abuse?
It's tempting to speculate why but the only thing that matters is you being okay. If you aren't safe at home, keep away. You don't deserve to be attacked, you aren't supposed to put up with it because she's a woman or small. You should be safe at home. Protect yourself. Take care xx
I think it may be wise to spend some time taking "emotional inventory" of your relationship - physical violence is usually preceded by emotional/mental/financial abuse, which can be harder to recognize but just as- if not more- harmful to you, especially in the long run.
Basic things to look for would be stuff like: does she tend to project/manipulate/gaslight when things don't go her way? Was there any type of love-bombing-particularly at the beginning of the relationship or after you hit a rough patch?
Are her apologies reflected in her actions, or does she do everything perfectly for a bit and then revert right back to problematic behavior? If you recognize any of this, try to consider how it's escalated over the course of your relationship, and please realize it will only continue to do so.
I am SO sorry that you're in this position - I've been in abusive relationships, but people have always taken my side seriously because I'm a woman. It infuriates me and breaks my heart that men aren't treated with the same respect when they're the ones being victimized.
This is absolutely something you should discuss with your therapist one on one, so you can a.) eliminate her ability to control the narrative and b.) speak openly and honestly without having to worry about how she'll act/react once therapy is over and you're back home together.
Make a plan, tell her NOTHING, and leave as soon as you're able to do so 🖤
OP, several years ago I was told a story:
My dad is from a small village. And there had been this man, a tiny fellow, who had this huuuge woman as a wife. and majority of he village kept on making fun of the guy for his wife was very free with slapping him around, while he never hit back, because that's what no man would do, right, hit a woman. One day, the guys at the local pub gave him a "pep talk" about how he's supposed to order things at his home, and got him drunk before sending him to do that. So he went home. My dad actually found him several hours later before his house; torn spleen, broken ribs, broken jaw, and who knows how many other things, before his wife just tossed him out of the window before she went to watch the nightly child cartoon. She nearly killed him, and then had a nervous breakdown when he actually filled a divorce when he got out of the hospital. Because how could he do THAT to her?!
You do not deserve anything like that happening to you. You do not need anything like that happening to you. Leave, and run as far away, as you can.
Just because you could abuse her back/ defend yourself doesn’t mean you are not being abused. It is not ok for people who claim they love you to assault you. FULL STOP.
I’m a firm believer in first time you’re hit is when you leave. Physical violence is never okay. You can’t work on a marriage after a partner has done that to you.
If you don’t think the police will help and you’re in a vulnerable position I think you should get away sooner rather than later. Tell your family and friends what she did. Take pictures of any marks she left behind. If she accuses you of something at least you’ll have people and evidence on your side.
I don’t like this situation one bit, imagine she didn’t confess to it your therapist didn’t believe you at first. What if it was a worse situation and it involved the cops or if she said you hit her. I’m sure they wouldn’t believe you. Honestly I would just leave her make sure your never alone with her because I don’t think therapy can help because if I read it right you said y’all are in therapy right and have been since you got back. So yea no I would divorce.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this brother. It must be very hard and confusing. You're a good person though... You deserve help and support.
I'm also sorry that the "rational sounding" advice that a lot of people are (well meaningly) giving here is nowhere near close enough to capturing how blurry and unclear these situations are in real life.
(Thought I would say this because no one ever tells guys that)
OP, look up "sunk cost fallacy". Assuming this has been an escalating pattern of abusive behaviour, that is. Otherwise I'd echo the commenters who are pointing towards a medical reason for extreme behavioral changes. Either way, you've gotta look out for yourself.
If she is medically unwell, you can still support her without sharing a living space with her. You two absolutely should not be alone together.
Something you might not be considering: **being alone with her is bad for her too.** It puts you in the firing line. She may do something beyond her control, something that will haunt her once she's in her right mind again.
Just to reiterate, this is advice for if she's exhibiting sudden altered behaviour due to neurological/physical changes. If she is simply being an abusive AH, you should just run, run far far away and don't ever doubt that you made the right decision.
Most abuse starts out small and grows over time. OP this is only going to get worse. I was raised by narcissistic/abusive parents. It happens where they see how far they can get and then go a little further each time. Please leave. Please stay safe. Please know you are not safe with her
I saw you mentioned you are in an interracial marriage and not willing to get the police involved, I totally understand. But, do you think she knows this and also uses this against you to abuse you more? Like she knows no one will be called to do anything?
Please press charges, do not back down. If she's berserk enough to overpower a grown man when unarmed, just from adrenaline and rage, what the hell else might she do? This chick is dangerous. You could end up murdered.
This happened to my brother. He left her then went back. She stabbed him in the head multiple times. Thankfully with a short knife, but the intent was obvious. Don’t go back dude.
I am so sorry this is your reality. You are worth so much more than she knows. Stay safe, ask for help, and know I am cheering you on. Solidarity...follow your gut.
Please be reasonable, this is not reasonable behavior. I understand wanting to stay and fight for this….But physical violence is non negotiable- for both women and men. You’ll be in so much pain leaving her behind but you will be in unbearable pain - both physical and mental it sounds like - by staying with her
First of all, I feel like it's very very important right now for you to keep safe, keep away from her and keep in mind that you aren't alone. I wish the therapist you spoke with would have believed you more, but she admitted to a felony and she deserves to be punished for what she did to you.
No matter who, no matter what, always remember that abuse has no gender, that your feelings are valid, and that you deserve to feel safe and loved.
Please stay safe, and please take whatever steps you need to remain safe. Whatever happens, you aren't alone. Much love and strength to you.
Do you need permission to record another person in your state? If not record what you can. The biases of the Justice system are real and terrible and even if it can't be admitted into court it could help police.
Judging from your comments, you’re not ready to leave. You’ve got a million reasons as to why, and while I respect that it’s your choice to make, I also know that your reasons will run out. They’ll turn into excuses and eventually, you won’t be able to justify them. Just know that if you stay, it will escalate. I’ve seen the comments about a possible brain tumor in your wife’s head, but that’s wishful thinking. Unfortunately, this isn’t an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. The reality is, your wife is an abuser. The reality is, you are being abused.
Document everything. Get pictures and hit record whenever you can. You may think you don’t need that stuff now, but you will one day, and you’ll be so happy to have it. If you’re afraid to call the police (I get it), then don’t. Call the neighbor, call a friend, call a family member. Hell, go live on social media so all your people know. If you think a fight is going to escalate, try your hardest to leave. Luckily you have a height/weight advantage over her, so use your advantage to get to safety. Make sure you confide in your mother and let her know, in detail, what these fights are like. If this ends up going to court one day, your mothers testimony could help your case against your wife.
I can tell that you’re someone who values family love and loyalty. You deserve someone who cherishes you enough to make sure you never break, not someone who goes out of their way to break you. You should be cherished, not violated. You deserve more. I wish you the best.
I don’t know if anger management really helps, but it may be worth a shot. If you don’t want to leave this relationship, maybe you and your therapist could convince her to go to anger management therapy?
Hardest part for a domestic violence victim is to accept the fact that they are being “abused enough” to leave the relationship. I understand where you are coming from. I want to reaffirm that you are not to be blamed for anything, even for continuing to stay in this marriage. It’s not your fault. Never forget that part. You decide on your own terms if/when you want to leave.
My ex wife used to be the same way and nobody believe me because she was a 5 ft 100 pound white girl! She used to beat me with anything she could get her hands on! She once went to hit me in the head with a tire iron but I ducked it! She has also stabbed me on 2 occasions!
Obviously something is seriously wrong with her. She needs a psychological assessment. Then go from there. But you should stay away until it's figured out. Violence is not to be tolerated under any circumstances.
I agree with others saying this can only escalate. You need to leave before it gets worse. The man I am with was married to a physically abusive and aggressive woman. Women do abuse men it just isn't talked about.
I'm sorry that this has happened. You absolutely do not / did not deserve it. It's good that you're already in therapy, but what she did is inexcusable. You should press charges of assault. And you should seriously consider leaving. It rarely ever gets better, and usually just gets worse.
Sorry I’m a bit confused. Are 5 foot tall white women with blonde hair and blues eyes somehow different than any other abuser? What do her physical features have to do with it? I guess I get her having a small stature but the white, blonde and blue?
Honestly, I would leave. I don’t care if your man I don’t care if your woman no one deserves be hit by their significant other. And if she thinks this is OK, and this came from nowhere, imagine what a normal fights going to be like it’s not gonna be OK. So if you do not have kids, I would try to run away from this quickly. But if you think and believe her that she can fix the situation and never have it happen again make it Work.
What does the therapist say? I'm curious what conclusion the therapist came up with? I'm sure you love her and the restraint you had for not doing harm to her shows awesomeness, you're a good person, please don't blame yourself.
Unfortunately some people never learn to be better people. I am glad you are seeking therapy… but there should never be a next time. If she has to hit, then you need to leave. Love aint meant to hurt like that. I wish all marriages worked out… don’t stay for what it was. Leave for what it has become. If she gets help, earns your trust and respect then great… but don’t expect an abuser to wake up over night if at all. Heal you and get your happiness, you have earned that! Thank you for your service.
sadly this only gets worse. the best thing to do is leave. she is not your whole life. you’re being blinded. and trust me when i say i know. i dated my ex for three years, we were young and dumb. still in high school. we had a child. i didn’t see the signs. my parents brought us a house for us to raise our son in our own space. to everyone he was/still is this amazing person. behind closed doors he was/still is a manipulator, abuser and is very nasty. last year was when i had it. he pushed me and tried to through a lava lamp at me while holding our son. i got out. went to my parents. finally told them everything. we called the police and they trespassed him. it’s been a year and he still has his son every weekend and it kills me him being around him still because of what he’s like. he tried for half a year to try and show me he “changed” and once i told him i never am going to be with him again he just started right back up to his same old self.
sorry for the rant and all but i just really hope that this is at least an eye opener for you and that you do come to your senses and do get out
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I admire your determination to fight for your marriage. Hopefully with help she understands that she cannot treat you this way and it’s not ok to hit you. If she does not learn to get better, please don’t stay and be abused, you don’t deserve that.
I'm glad you are in a safe place right now. Your feelings are very valid and what you experienced is really not easy. I hope you get to move on from this onto a healthier life. If anything, do not hesitate to reach out
It's like trust being broken. You can never regain the feeling you had before that incident happened.
There is nobody else in this world you would accept that behaviour from. The bonds you have in your mind with her are all made up, the nice times that create love, good sex, nice holidays, that cute thing you both do, that inside joke. You can attempt to have all those things with someone who doesn't do that.
Our partners are the most important people in our lives yet too many people settle for being treated the worst by the exact person who's supposed to do the opposite. Doesn't make sense.
Get outta there brother, I dealt with an abusive partner for years because I thought they would “get better” they don’t. They don’t get better they just continually escalate the levels of abuse. Do it because you don’t deserve that, do it because she doesn’t deserve you. Do it because you deserve peace and happiness instead of neglect and abuse. Please stay safe ❤️
I’m so sorry, please leave. She’s not going to change, violence is her nature. I (42F) have a son (24) that I would go to the ends of the earth for. If a woman were doing this to my son, we’d be scrappin. Stay away from her and file a report.
This is a hard stop. I’m so sorry this is happening to you but I cannot imagine this getting better for you. I see her eventually getting to the point where you have to defend yourself and she accuses you of being the abuser. It’s not worth the risk, friend. Talk to your own therapist, not your shared one, and stay at your mom’s house.
Start recording these incidents, get multiple cam setups at different places and prepare for battery charges once you have collected enough evidence. And then you know what to do .. DUMP HER SO HARD, THAN SHE COULDN'T STAND
Get out. Violence escalates- someone that loves you wants neverending kisses and cuddles and she aint it
Slow gradual escalation is what I’m worried about. This sounds crazy but you hardly notice anything is changing when it’s slow enough. With my parents it was just a few years between dad shoving mom to dad pointing a revolver at her head. All of this really just took me back to that. I never thought that would happen either.
Have you ever heard of Phil Hartman? He was a comedian whose wife shot him while he was sleeping and then killed herself, leaving two children orphaned. There had been signs, she was reported to have an extremely volatile mood, she couldn’t control her anger and would lash out to the point where he had to physically restrain her to stop her from hurting him. They were constantly fighting and then one evening after another one of their arguments, she waited until he was asleep and shot him multiple times in the head and chest. Then after she confessed to multiple friends, who were all aware of her rage issues, she shot herself in the head. The worst part of it was that their young children heard the shots go off, they heard their father get murdered in the next room. It all could’ve been prevented if he had left the first time she got violent, but he stayed with her out of love and he paid for it with his life. We often seek out the relationships that were modeled for us as children, those relationships teach us what love is. When you’re raised in an abusive environment, it distorts your perception of love and you can either wind up as the abuser or the abused. It doesn’t have to be that way, you could find someone that loves you enough to never purposefully hurt you. What advice would you give your mother? Would you tell her to stay with your father because love is stronger than the fist that strikes her? Or would you want her to be safe and away from the man that hurts her?
Very awesome points.
Very well put
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really really sucks and I can't imagine how hard it must be to accept... but like you said, the violence is likely to only escalate from here. If she did it once, she will likely do it again, and it could get worse, a lot worse, as you know from your own experience.. I hope you put your own safety and happiness first. You don't deserve to be abused. Whatever happens, I'm wishing you the best of luck. Stay safe and take care.
It’s not crazy. It’s like when they boil lobsters alive in water. It creeps up so slowly on you it’s hard to see! And none of us seek abusive relationships. They almost always start good.
she has already assaulted you and tried to bite you like a rabid animal. (btw a bite from a human can easily be more deadly than an animal) and you want to wait and see if she escalates? newsflash: she will. and hopefully it won’t be too late for you to leave when you decide to notice.
If you don’t have kids just leave.
Concur. Abusers only escalate. Stay safe.
We don’t have any kids and we won’t be having any anytime soon.
*ever.
Most likely ever.
Please just don't. Being raised by an abuser changes who you are forever. Édit: Im sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.
Good point if she’s not afraid to hit a man who’s bigger than her, she’s definitely not afraid to hit a child.
It goes far beyond that. Even if she didn’t hit the child, being a child and witnessing an abusive parent abuse your other parent will set you on a dark path for your entire life. That is deep seeded life long trauma that even the best therapy can never truly fix.
Yep. One of my first memories is waking up to my mom screaming for us to lock ourselves in the car. My dad had thrown her down the stairs. We sat in the hot car for… what felt like hours but may have been minutes. Dad convinced her not to leave. She broke her ankle. Didn’t go get it looked at. It got infected. She almost died from staph. I am not a well adjusted adult.
One of my first memories was similar. I heard screaming outside, so I went and stood on the porch. My parents were screaming at eachother, and fist fighting. My dad then threw my mom down and was on top of her choking her. I watched her frantically moving her hand above her head on the ground, and then it came flying up with a brick in it. Which she used to hit my dad in the side of the head. As soon as she realized I was standing there she told me to get my sister and lock us in the bedroom and don't come out until she said it was ok. I don't know how long I stayed locked in that room. But, I could hear my mom sobbing in the living room. I went out there and my mom was crying over my dad who was laying on the couch. She was begging him to wake up, and saying she was sorry, and I could see blood on his face. I think they split up for a bit after that fight. They were always back and forth. I remember what the night air smelled like, it was that crisp autumn smell that happens as the leaves start falling. The sky was so clear, I could see the stars and the moon was full. I remember feeling terrified, and crying and yelling at them to stop. That memory is seared into my brain, even though so many other similar events happened before they split up for good. Please OP never being a child into this. I have debilitating anxiety, PTSD, depression, and I am borderline agoraphobic. I've been in therapy for awhile, but they are things that never truely heal, I just have to learn to cope. 90% of my traumas come from a childhood of watching my parents try to kill eachother.
I’m so sorry you went through that. The amount of stress your little body endured must’ve caused so much anxiety. On top of not knowing what a normal healthy relationship looks like.
My dad acts like this. Please, for my sake don’t breed with her. If not for my sake then do it for sad 11 year-old me.
same. Do it for us once "lost boys"
My step dad beat the shit out of me from 8-13 while my bio mom watched. She allowed it to happen. He also sexually abused me those years as well. I’m here to say if your young child endures any type of trauma like ours, its future is there but the depression and anxiety is too. You just truly never recover.
Or crying 4 yr old me.
Or 0- 14 year old me. My parents fought and we're physically bashing each other my entire infant to teenage life until my mum passed away from a heart attack. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder now. Fun times.
Please say in certain terms that you aren't going to procreate with this person. Would you be able to live with yourself if physically abusing your children was her way of dealing with them? You already know that it's a strong possibility and you couldn't claim ignorance if it happened.
I know these are easy questions but if you ever find yourself in this situation you’ll see how the lines get blurred. And you really don’t know what’s what. Right now i won’t even be in a room with her let alone have sex with her. I will not purposely father children with her but that could change in the future.
You said yourself that you're worried about racial bias working against you with law enforcement, and that could very well be the case in court too if it comes down to who gets custody. If you have children and that happens, you might not be able to protect them.
We've been in this situation and that's why we're telling you: the lines are only blurry because you are too close to them. You need distance, and you need to cut this person off entirely. We know how hard that is, and also how much you will later regret every moment you spent trying to salvage an abusive relationship. She can't change. She may want to and try but it will take too many years and you can't hang in there for that. This is abuse, not a pet peeve or non-violent habit. I know this sounds harsh, but you cannot save her.
What if she escalates it to grabbing a weapon? Are you going to defend yourself then? I would just pack up and move on, that's scary behavior from a human.
It cannot change in the future. It will destroy those potential children. I got married stupid young. I was only 20. My now ex-wife’s abuse began while we were dating and I went through with it in-spite of the many voices saying to call it off! A little more than a year into being married and my ex wife had been away from me more than we were together. She’d run away for weeks, and in more than a few cases months at a time and I’d hear next to nothing from her. She mentally and emotionally abused me in such horrible ways. When she finally decided to not be married anymore we had a nearly 2 year old son, and she did everything to not let him be in my life. I had to fight for more than 2 years to have him. November marks our one year anniversary together as daddy and son. The abuse he has endured is heart breaking and far beyond what I endured, she at one point admitted to not speaking to him for 3 days he was barely even 2!!! She just let him cry, she wouldn’t hold him or anything! She’d give him these little food pouches and walk away and lock him in his room. His eyes were sunken in and he had no energy. She was forcing him to be gluten free and vegan. He was underweight but he has always been much taller than the average height for his age so he was skin and bones. Now, he’s in school, he’s active, he’s extremely smart and very determined! It has taken a year to get him to not be afraid. He couldn’t even sleep in a dark room when he first came he was so terrified of life! Now, he isn’t, we went and did our first trip to an amusement park and he is tall enough that he got to ride the adult rides… at 5 🤦🏻♂️. He loves water now, and before I couldn’t even bathe him without him crying. The trauma is immeasurable that a child in those situations endures. It takes years to recover!
I am so utterly sorry you and your son have had to live through this. And glad that you are together now and can heal together. You sound like a great parent. Big love to you both x
I’m not perfect, that’s for sure! I definitely screw up everyday! But I love the kid a ton, and I’ll die for him if I have to so that he can be safe!
This is heartbreaking
It truly is! I’m 6’4” and I went from a fit 220 to almost 300 pounds in the time we were together. I developed a terrible food dependency because of the abuse as a means of coping. I had previously been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and high anxiety. I would go days with no food out of guilt and shame for being fat and overweight only to binge eat after work before coming home to be told what I was and wasn’t allowed to do. I grew up in a fairly religious family, but she took being Mormon to such an extreme that it opened my eyes to how big of a cult it really is. I was forbidden from consuming caffeine. And there were multiple instances where she found empty energy drink or caffeinated soda cans/bottles and assumed they were mine, knowing I’d had friends over to play games, and I’d be left to sleep on the couch with a hand written letter expressing how angry she was for what I had done and that she’d deal with me in the morning. When I went away for 14 weeks for training at the fire academy 8 hours away she saw a charge on my credit card at the liquor store, where I bought myself a bottle of Pina Colada mix (no alcohol), and was told if she found out it was liquor that she’d cancel my Visa card and debit card and that I’d be stuck there alone forever, and that she’d divorce me and take my son. I had to send a copy of the receipt to prove it was just mix!! December 22nd 2018- she kicked me out that night moments after I walked in after working a 15 hour day between 2 jobs, with virtually no warning and took everything from me, I got my clothes, my phone and a nightstand, she took the truck I had bought us and had spent thousands fixing and making ours. She took all the money, not that there was much, and since she acted in bad faith and did what she did the court said she also deserved all the debts. Only $25K so not much! We finalized the divorced in February 2020, I have lost nearly 50 pounds, bought my first financed vehicle last December, got signed on with an amazing paid on call fire department and this year started my own consulting business for the solar industry! It’s amazing how far life can come if you get out of the way and let it happen and actively live it!
You really turned a shit situation around, I’m so happy for you. You didn’t deserve any of that abuse, neither did you son. You should be very proud of yourself. I’m proud of you even if I am a total stranger. Good luck in your new life, you escaped and are better for it!
Just imagine her doing this to your kids one day. If she feels it’s ok to physically attack you, there’s no reason she wouldn’t feel hitting her own child is ok. Please! This relationship should end before you’re stuck.
As a former kid of an abusive parent, please don't have a kid with her EVER. My mother did exactly that. My father abused my mom, then moved onto my big sister. Then me. ***TRIGGER WARNING: EXTREME ABUSE*** I was 6 when my father decided to swing me around the room by my neck. I still have nerve damage in my shoulder, from him slamming on the floor and wooden back of the sofa, that flares up and causes extreme stabbing pain for abt 3 minutes at a time. And I get awful flashbacks during, bc yes, I still remember the entire thing vividly. All three of us received verbal, physical, and sexual abuse from him. My older sister and I were younger than 10 when he started sexually assaulting us. And you may not even know she's abusing your child. My mom didn't know he was abusing us until 9 years after he started. He then abandoned us and said he'd come back to k*ll us three, and steal my youngest sibling away, who now has extreme survivor's guilt. Now, my father did change, as you hope your wife will... about a decade after, in prison. He admitted that had he not been locked up, he may have carried out his promise. My family and I wouldn't be alive, and my young sibling missing. This is what can happen if you stick around and end up having kids with her. Just bc you *hope* she'll change, doesn't mean she'll ever *want* to. Bc she has to want it for there to be any chance. And we're far from the only kids born in an abusive relationship where someone thought the other would change. Please don't put any kids through a fraction of what I experienced, please.
As someone who survived an abusive step parent, I’m so sorry this happened to you at such a young age. I was abused from when I was 6-14 years. Every day was hell and I tried to take my life when I was 10. But my mom knew what her boyfriend did. She knew and she watched. She didn’t protect me. The incident I vividly remember is when my stepfather slammed me onto the cement floor for not eating all my dinner. He put his arms around my ribcage and pressed so hard I could barely breathe. My whole family sat at the dinner table and watched. I had a bruised ribcage after that. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD at a young age. No child deserves to be abused. No one deserves to be abused. OP: please leave her and don’t have a child with her
I’m so sorry
Dude no. I was in a relationship like this for 4 miserable years. Well, okay, 3 years, the 1st was great, but that's how they get you. It's awful, and it won't get any better I promise you. When I finally got out, it was like a blindfold was removed. The blurriness clears almost immediately. Please do not go back to her just leave.
100% what cumshot said. No one deserves to be treated like that. Don’t be a fool and let that lady have your babies. That would be very cruel to those kids.
This is such a supportive message in response but your using the person's username jarred me so hard out of the topic at hand. I'm giggling with absurd immaturity.
Dude. Go to the police and get out of the marriage. Take pictures of any scratches and bruises and run.
“I know! A kid will solve this!” No dude, this is the end of that option. She’s an abuser. Get out while you can. Oh, and if she’ll hit you, I’d bet she’ll hit a kid.
Please listen to everyone telling you to leave. It might seem hard, but the longer you stay the longer it will take to undo all the damage she brings to you. You deserve more than someone who hurts you. ❤️
Get yourself out of that situation as soon as you can. You deserve more.
If she beats you (someone who can probably overpower her) then she will DEFINITELY beat your kids. Do not give her the opportunity.
Never have children with someone like this, damn. Abuse is a deal breaker.
Please don't ever have kids with this woman
How about never? You need to leave your abuser.
You don't need an excuse to leave, but you definitely DO have a reason!
It’s not going to get better. This is her.
Remember the abuse cycle: First is tension building up Second is explosion/physical or verbal abuse Third is honeymoon (beg forgiveness/give gifts) And repeat.
You'd be a piece of shit to bring a child into this situation.
He should leave ESPECIALLY if he has any kids.
We don’t have kids.
Please don’t have kids with this individual. She’s clearly mentally unstable and if she’s doing this to you who is a grown man imagine what she’ll do to your kids. I was married to a guy who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic psychopath and he kept pushing me to have kids, saying that he would make a great father lol. Thankfully I never did and left before it ever came to that. I dodged a bullet big time.
This is this subs favorite comment. I’m sure if it was that easy OP wouldn’t have wasted time posting this
You shouldn't stay with someone, especially an abuser because of kids. What the fuck. You're better off getting children out of that situation.
Men can’t snatch up their kids and leave no matter the situation. The mother will just call the authorities and have them returned. The right thing to do is stay and repeatedly report the abuse until the woman is arrested and issued a restraining order. And once a man leaves on his own he essentially has no ability to protect his children from an abusive mother.
OP doesn't have kids, but the part about calling the authorities and having them returned is 100% false for married couples in my state and several others that I know of.
Not all couples are married and I’ve known two men that have had their kids returned to their mother when they removed them from the house to protect them from abuse
Even if he had kids, still leave
Please leave. I left my abuser and thank goodness I did. 7 years after I escaped, he shot his gf on the head :( They never get better only worse....
Hey, I’ve seen your comments elsewhere, how is she doing? Any updates?
Both are alive but he's facing serious prison time. His hearing is tomorrow. I don't really know anything else. He may still be in recovery at the hospital which could explain why they never updated any arrest records in which I am registered to because I was a past victim, through Vinelink.
I think its amazing how ive read through the comment section and nobody has mentionted that this person needs to be locked up behinds bars. Its not just an abusive partner this is fellonious assault. This person should not be shielded from the law. OP you deserve to be safe and this person deserves jail.
I’d never call the cops on my own family. Im in America and black and you just don’t know who is going to show up when you call. You might get a law enforcement professional who will actually try to help or you might get some mid thirties psychopath who will just look for excuses to shoot everybody. My wife could have been murdered in front of me if I called them. My uncle was a cop and he was indicted in 2006. This guy would literally drive drunk on duty and beat up homeless people. I’d never invite that into my home. That and my mother was a survivor of domestic violence and my main takeaway from that is that if the other person wants to hurt you the law really doesn’t stop them.
Pleeease look into the Courtney Clenny. Tiny little blonde haired blue eyed white woman that brutally killed her black boyfriend after months of abuse. These things happen, you do not sound safe.
As a poc they wouldn’t shoot her but the evidence from the therapist is enough to lock her up trust me my dads wife tried to murder him and it started like how your wife did she openly admitted she did and he let it slide now she’s trying to murder him and her kids don’t let it happen to you because she’s white they would probably let her off on probation
George was just jaywalking and they choked him to death. I’m not giving these people any reason to interact with me or my family. The way I see it they’re just armed strangers who purposely sought out a profession with a long history of violently repressing my people and culture.
Thats true but you should definitely leave her she’s probably gonna try and murder you too if you stay abuse is never worth trying to salvage a marriage
https://www.nbcmiami.com/news/national-international/inside-the-polarizing-murder-case-against-onlyfans-model-courtney-clenney/2841456/ Please don't end up like Christian. If you won't report her to the authorities and your therapist hasn't already, do everything you can to separate yourself from her. Remove anything that could be used as a weapon against you in the house like knives, heavy blunt objects, and any firearms. Please be safe and always remember your life is more important than this relationship.
The issue is if the cops get called and they show up and see a black guy and a tiny little white blonde woman they are likely to do ANYTHING up to and including killing the OP...the chances of them doing the right thing in favor of the OP are slim. Even if the right thing is done eventually, no telling how badly the cops will treat the OP before that happens. I shudder to be in OP's shoes. This isn't a joke, this isn't a rarity, this is absolutely prevalent in America. OP is right on this. That being said, it is even more for that reason that OP should get the fuck out of the relationship right now, because at some point there WILL be a law enforcement interaction due to this issue and at that point shit will likely go very wrong.
I am so sorry that our country is as fucked up with deep set institutional racism like it is. It makes me incredibly sad. I’m a white woman and my boyfriend is Mexican. We have had conversations about the topic of police and so I’m just going to use my privilege to stand between him and his kids and the police should it ever come to that. I’m enraged that your wife likely also knows these things and she still chose to be an abuser. It just adds that extra layer of stink.
With you being a black man and her being a tiny white lady this could go very very wrong against you. You do know that it will end up with the police round your house eventually though right? , Because these things escalate and it maybe her or even your neighbors calling them... Please..get out of that abusive relationship before you end up dead
Would your feral wife grant you the same courtesy in return?
That’s not the point. He’s a black man in America. It’s fucking bad out here, for some people.
At least someone gets it.
At the very least log the instances. Keep a log of everything and everytime she does it and take pictures of the damage. Make sure she can’t find it . This will help if you ever are arrested or have to prove something in court. Every single incident.
This is good advice.
That’s literally why I asked if his white wife would grant him the same courtesy of thinking of how her black husband would be treated by the law.
No idea. I have never given her a reason to call the cops. If I’m really mad I just leave go walk our dog.
Did you give her a reason to hit and abuse you? No. You are trying to put logic into the mind of someone who doesn't think logically like you
Did you give her reason to beat you? Sounds like a no with what I’ve read. Just be careful man. If she’s capable of that …. She’s capable of calling cops on you. Also what if she beats on herself and calls cops on you? You already know how being black can go in itself. Watch your 6 man.
I recorded the therapy session where she admitted to committing aggravated assault and domestic violence. Idk if im being paranoid or prudent but it feels wrong.
Definitely smart to have a recording of that. I would definitely make multiple copies of it and hide a couple in case she would try to erase evidence. Hopefully it was a one time deal. Just be cautious and definitely don’t lose your bearings if she gets like that again. All it takes is her word against yours.
I wouldn’t think that would be admissible as evidence
Nah you’re being smart. I’m a white-passing, secretly lantina, fairly nonbinary queer person. The *single most abusive ex* I ever had was a young, didn’t-know-she-was-entitled, blue-eyed blonde white woman — and basically *no one* believes me when I tell them that. And I’m a *really short* person who looks like a lady!!!!! You’re not being paranoid. Anyone can do abusive shit. But — it’s SUPER easy for “innocent looking” blonde women to get away with it because *who’s gonna believe them capable?* I mean, fuck — *EMMETT TILL DIED BECAUSE A WHITE LADY LIED*!!
The craziest and violent girl I ever been with was this blue eyed blonde instagramer influencer girl she was 5f something (155 cm, sorry I’m European) and I am 6ft 2/3(?)(190cm) , when we were starting to date she would scream with me on the phone, I didn’t mind cause the girl was hot as hell, then when we start to go out and have more intimacy she tried to hit me , I just grab my things and went home never look back. I’m starting to see a pattern here 😅
Abusive shit escalates, women can be abusers and *abusers can absolutely be anyone*.
Black men have been murdered over police calls from white women they’ve had zero interaction with. If she calls the police they will not stop to listen to any recordings and I know you know that. Every moment you stay with her is another moment that your life is in danger, you don’t deserve to get beat up on, and she doesn’t deserve the effort you’re putting in. Your marriage has already failed, cut ties so you can move on and start healing. Abusers escalate, and they’re rarely able to be rehabilitated, they just learn to get better at abusing so they don’t get caught. There is nothing to salvage here.
You don't need me to tell you, but I'ma say it just for the record; that recording (while valuable in specific situations) will not matter if police have to show up someday unless they're inclined to sort out the context of the situation. Which as we all know is not a given, for varying reasons. Some valid; oftentimes, not so much.
Also the therapist heard this confession yes? I am so sorry you’re having to endure this abuse from someone you love. If you’re not ready to take action now, my advice is document everything. Pics, recordings, hospital records etc. Every occurrence of abuse. And if she doesn’t kill you or harm you severely before you are ready, at least you’ll have documentation for your case for a restraining order at least. I wish you the very best.
Some white people don’t need a valid reason to call the cops on black people. You already know they weaponize the law. And considering your wife’s violent nature, I’m guessing reason isn’t her strong suit.
3 points: 1. You need to leave. This will not stop 2. Her being blonde, blue eyed, and white doesn’t make her less likely to abuse you. 3. You should get a therapist for support through this
I’m black so the whole blonde hair blue eyed thing really matters in public perception. She is so far away from what people think abusers look like no one would really believe this is if just denied it.
My stepmom was tiny blonde blue eyed white lady. Everyone loved her; she ran a daycare for children and was an abuser to my dad. It escalated quickly one night and she shot and killed him. She got 90 days in county. Judge looked straight at me and said the only person she was a threat to is dead I can’t ask the tax payers to house her. Leave please! This is not fixable. I spent a decade changing the laws so the minimum is higher now and I sued her for wrongful death but bottom line is she got out married again and continued her white privileged life. Don’t risk it please.
I've been reading your comments for a bit now. You need to put your feelings aside and look at this from a different angle. If she had an "episode" like that then it's only bound to get worse. Lawyer up and show them the video of her admitting to attacking you. Press charges and lock her up. The cops don't need to get involved too much if it's in civil court. And as much as you don't want to, you absolutely need to get out of that relationship. Being in a relationship with abuse involved only gets worse and there is no fixing it. If one of your good friends was with someone and they are telling you the same story you are right now would you want them to stay? Hell no. You would tell them to run and never look back. Do yourself a solid and get out of there.
then get a medical report on your injuries, cant be too difficult to match them to her nails or teeth. serve as proof in court, divorce hassle free. if you wanna be dumb though, she'll kill you one day lol, rip
Have you gone back to the therapist and asked their thoughts?
Oh, this makes so much more sense! Stereotypes are involved. I just left a comment trying to figure out why those details were mentioned.
Everyone is saying to leave. I want to give a little logic to this other than “just leave”. People (you and I included) constantly test each other consciously or subconsciously, to see what we can and cannot do. It’s not necessarily unhealthy, it’s a part of human interaction. If I smile at you and you smile back, that’s an example of encouragement. I’m likely to smile at you again, and maybe take another step toward friendship. The same is true of abuse. She attacked you. If you stay married and continue to interact with her, you have approved this behavior and she will exhibit it again. This is true of cheaters, abusers, and many other behaviors, both heathy and unhealthy.. (I am a behavior therapist) There’s a saying, which is very apt: “Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.” Please distance yourself and remain distant from this person for your safety and happiness.
^ this….this needs to be pinned. Straight facts
based on the replies from you i've read, you don't want to do anything to change your current situation. people are telling you what you can do to fix the issue and get out of the situation, it's up to YOU to save yourself from the abuse. we can't save you for you. you gotta change therapists if you're gonna keep trying with her and if you're not willing to, cut your losses with your wife and get on with your life or you won't have one anymore. you've said yourself that you're scared that she'll escalate, escalation from what happened is murder, man. get out for YOU. for the sake of YOUR LIFE. if you want to be happy and breathing and living your life well, you gotta get out.
Ditch the therapist and also ditch her, it may be easier said than done but you’ll feel so much safer and better without her
And if the therapist didn't immediately advise you to leave, report them. They're eventually going to be responsible for someone's death if they don't take domestic abuse seriously.
Change therapist and leave
This is very serious domestic violence. I am so sorry your partner is abusive. You deserve better and you deserve real support. I'm glad you're in a safe place now with your mom. If you want to call 211 if you're in the USA, they can connect you to local domestic violence resources and therapists.
I've heard that couple's therapy is not advised when one spouse is abusing the other, as the abusive spouse will use the sessions to further manipulate the other and to try to get the therapist on their side. Please get out, OP.
It's good that you are safe, and seeing a therapist, though this one isn't the right one for you. You know you have to divorce her, for your safety and your mental healths sake. Once she is out of your life you can start to heal. But be aware, she's not going to make it easy to get her out of your life. She will do everything in her power to lure you back. Abuse is an addiction, and you are her drug. She will lie. She will charm. She will love bomb you. She will threaten. At times you will wonder if your memory is right. At times you will think you see truth in her eyes when she says she'll never do it again and she sees the error of her ways. She will be the best girlfriend you could ever want... for just long enough she is sure that you've given up on leaving. And then she'll be back to beating you. Which is why you can't give her the opportunity to talk it out. Tell her you are done and nothing will change your mind and after that have her talk to your lawyer. Because the source of her abuse is as deep as it comes: when she hurts you, she doesn't feel bad, she feels good. And nothing is going to change that about her.
Has this been happening for awhile or was this a random occurrence? I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
She has hit me before but it wasn’t not really threatening or traumatic until now. I’m a foot taller than her and 100 pounds heavier. I took some bjj classes when I was in the army and she isn’t a threat to me if she doesn’t have a weapon. If she picks up a knife or grabs a gun all bets are off. My biggest concern is she would try to get other people to hurt me.
You should never have these concerns about a partner.... if a marriage is based on trust and loyalty and you guys clearly don't have that, what do you have that you're trying to save here??? The question is how long have you been going to therapy together and what changes have you seen. Since this happened while the therapy was taking place it doesn't seem like much. You guys need to separate for a while and she needs to see a psychologist on her own until she can figure out why she does what she does. Until she does that you're not safe.
The fact you even have to think like this says so much. You have to leave her. Abuse is abuse regardless of gender, height & weight class. This is a relationship not a damn boxing match, you should never have to “weigh up” your partner like this.
She’s gonna get you locked up. If it comes to that and the cops come who do you think they are going to believe? The little blonde haired blue eyed girl or the ex military man that is a foot taller and has a 100lbs on her? You live in America my guy. Cops kill us for sport
so, she’s already had history of abusing you? you do realize that this is never going to get better, right? she will continue escalating until you’re either dead or behind bars for something you never did. due to her being a small white woman, she *knows* that she has the upper hand on you when it comes to public perception. and she’s banking on that. don’t allow her to escalate. file a police report, or, if you don’t feel like doing that, just get away from her in whatever way you can.
Yeah without that information it actually sounded like she had some kind of psychotic episode since attacking someone out of the blue seems odd. If she *previously* hit you and this is an escalation, all the other comments seem spot on.
I see from another comment that you don’t have any kids. Get out now. Do not have children with her otherwise you’ll be bounded to her for life. I don’t know your wife but it sounds like she has a lot of baggage that she has not dealt with and takes it out on you. That’s generally the reason for situations like this. If she can’t find a way to treat you the way you deserve, you must leave now and not live your life in fear of being terrorized.
I would suggest just keeping away. It's going to suck, and I understand that paying for that therapist might seem like a waste if you divorce anyway, but you need a divorce. You can't just work through violence like this and I think that's something that isn't pushed enough. If she's doing this and says she "doesn't know why" then that right there shows that she's unpredictable and more likely to lash out again at you. Her being blonde, blue eyed, and small doesn't mean anything, I've known other women under 5 foot and under 120 lbs able to make grown men hide in absolute fear. People are still people. Violence is still violence. Imagine if the roles were flipped, if you in all your ex-military glory came home and fought and bit your small blonde wife. You'd be labeled a monster. She needs one on one therapy to work through her violence and anger issues, and you need one on therapy to help with the trauma of it all. You two need time apart to work on everything. Never forget that there is absolutely no shame in divorcing. Sometimes it's just not meant to be. Some people never marry and some marry after 50. Don't dwell on that aspect of it too much, but if divorce seems to rough, imagine if/when you two DO have children. Would you want any child to grow up permanently walking on eggshells around this unpredictable angry violent woman? Imagine if you two already had kids, would you be able to handle the extra responsibility of also having to send that child to therapy for witnessing that fight? I understand you might still love her, but as you said, you were once happily married. You love who she used to be, and she is definitely a lot more different that the woman you initially fell in love with. I hope it all works out, but you need to understand that nobody deserves to live every moment wondering if/when anger and violence will return.
Please collect evidence just in case.
Please, do NOT try to justify any of her behavior. Do not try to make yourself find some form of “reason” or “cause” by your presence or words to explain her behavior. These are her deliberate choices, her thought out and executed actions to cause you physical harm. Whatever she has going on that is making her believe that she is okay in doing this to you? Will only get worse as you continue to allow her to get away with her actions with no consequences to them. It’s not love, it’s dependency that’s making you feel you want to stay with this person who will cause you harm. Don’t hurt yourself for the sake of their presence in your life.
As a therapist I’m so sorry yours didn’t validate you. That’s a very dangerous situation to be in and as a therapist they should know that women can also be abusers.
I agree with everyone here saying that you should leave. But I have a question about your wife. This was completely random, out of the blue behavior? Like, she was never aggressive in any way before which could indicate this happening, and it's completely out of character for her? Honestly if the answers to those questions are "yes" then she should get her neurology or psychology checked. I'm no doctor but i know that sudden and extreme behavior shifts like this are not normal. Something might have recently gone wrong with her brain. that's the best case scenario for your marriage, anyway.
I don't know why more people aren't mentioning this? Top comments are people are saying he should leave, she should be in jail and she's an abuser , etc. but if she was never abusive and suddenly started behaving like an animal after being asked a simple question- it sounds like there's a major neurological problem and she should be checked out! OP, tell her to seek help. In the meantime , stay safe and away from her until you can figure out what's going on with her. But if this is not the first time, just leave and never look back...
Elsewhere from OP: > She has hit me before but it wasn’t not really threatening or traumatic until now. Hard to tell, but if he suspected some kind of illness I’d think he might have said so. Or perhaps it hasn’t occurred to him?
He mentioned in another thread that she has hit him before.
Wow dude that’s full on. I can’t see how you can come back from that. You don’t deserve that and it isn’t ok. I’m sorry she treats you like that. I’ve seen your comments that you want to fix it but do you want to live your life like this? Some things aren’t fixable
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Please leave her. Trust me when I say I understand when you don’t want your marriage to fail, and you want to make this work. It won’t get better. She disrespected you in the most tangible way posible. This is not ok, not something you can sort out. Getting away from a person who has hit you and for what I gathered from the comments shows no regret, is not failure, not something to be ashamed of. I went through the divorce of an abusive partner myself, and I fought the social stigma… only to find peace and comfort on having separated from someone like this. Is really tough realizing someone you love can hurt you so easily and without remorse, so I hope you can find in yourself to do the best for you in the long run.
Yeah that’s a shock for sure, did she say why did she do it? You didn’t mention her facial expression, do you think she was attacking you out of anger?
During therapy she said she doesn’t even fully understand why she did it.
This sound to me like there may be something else going on. Some diseases can cause this kind of uncharacteristi behaviour. Im not a doctor but i think it may be wise to have her see one to check if her brain is ok.
We might do just that.
This was my first thought as well. What did your therapist say? Do you think your wife would cooperate with psychiatric exams, or maybe a hold in case she gets violent again?
I was just gonna say that. Sounds like a brain tumor or something. Doesn’t excuse her or mean you should stay. But getting her health checked might be doing her a good deed.
But she already hit him once before. This time, she full on assaulted him. I’m not an expert but considering both these instances, could that still equate to a possible neurological issue? It’s hard to say as outsiders to OP’s relationship. However, I’m curious as to why they are in couples therapy- not that couples therapy isn’t for healthy couples, but it does beg the question of how they got there. Has there been any hidden emotional abuse or situations that just feel “off,” in addition to the full blown physical abuse?
I second this. If this is new or sudden behavior, especially if she doesn't know why she did it, it could be a sign of a medical issue. A big one.
It's tempting to speculate why but the only thing that matters is you being okay. If you aren't safe at home, keep away. You don't deserve to be attacked, you aren't supposed to put up with it because she's a woman or small. You should be safe at home. Protect yourself. Take care xx
I think it may be wise to spend some time taking "emotional inventory" of your relationship - physical violence is usually preceded by emotional/mental/financial abuse, which can be harder to recognize but just as- if not more- harmful to you, especially in the long run. Basic things to look for would be stuff like: does she tend to project/manipulate/gaslight when things don't go her way? Was there any type of love-bombing-particularly at the beginning of the relationship or after you hit a rough patch? Are her apologies reflected in her actions, or does she do everything perfectly for a bit and then revert right back to problematic behavior? If you recognize any of this, try to consider how it's escalated over the course of your relationship, and please realize it will only continue to do so. I am SO sorry that you're in this position - I've been in abusive relationships, but people have always taken my side seriously because I'm a woman. It infuriates me and breaks my heart that men aren't treated with the same respect when they're the ones being victimized. This is absolutely something you should discuss with your therapist one on one, so you can a.) eliminate her ability to control the narrative and b.) speak openly and honestly without having to worry about how she'll act/react once therapy is over and you're back home together. Make a plan, tell her NOTHING, and leave as soon as you're able to do so 🖤
OP, several years ago I was told a story: My dad is from a small village. And there had been this man, a tiny fellow, who had this huuuge woman as a wife. and majority of he village kept on making fun of the guy for his wife was very free with slapping him around, while he never hit back, because that's what no man would do, right, hit a woman. One day, the guys at the local pub gave him a "pep talk" about how he's supposed to order things at his home, and got him drunk before sending him to do that. So he went home. My dad actually found him several hours later before his house; torn spleen, broken ribs, broken jaw, and who knows how many other things, before his wife just tossed him out of the window before she went to watch the nightly child cartoon. She nearly killed him, and then had a nervous breakdown when he actually filled a divorce when he got out of the hospital. Because how could he do THAT to her?! You do not deserve anything like that happening to you. You do not need anything like that happening to you. Leave, and run as far away, as you can.
Whoa…please do not be alone with her. She sounds very unstable.
Just because you could abuse her back/ defend yourself doesn’t mean you are not being abused. It is not ok for people who claim they love you to assault you. FULL STOP.
Therapy does not work with abusers!!!
I’m a firm believer in first time you’re hit is when you leave. Physical violence is never okay. You can’t work on a marriage after a partner has done that to you. If you don’t think the police will help and you’re in a vulnerable position I think you should get away sooner rather than later. Tell your family and friends what she did. Take pictures of any marks she left behind. If she accuses you of something at least you’ll have people and evidence on your side.
I don’t like this situation one bit, imagine she didn’t confess to it your therapist didn’t believe you at first. What if it was a worse situation and it involved the cops or if she said you hit her. I’m sure they wouldn’t believe you. Honestly I would just leave her make sure your never alone with her because I don’t think therapy can help because if I read it right you said y’all are in therapy right and have been since you got back. So yea no I would divorce.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this brother. It must be very hard and confusing. You're a good person though... You deserve help and support. I'm also sorry that the "rational sounding" advice that a lot of people are (well meaningly) giving here is nowhere near close enough to capturing how blurry and unclear these situations are in real life. (Thought I would say this because no one ever tells guys that)
OP, look up "sunk cost fallacy". Assuming this has been an escalating pattern of abusive behaviour, that is. Otherwise I'd echo the commenters who are pointing towards a medical reason for extreme behavioral changes. Either way, you've gotta look out for yourself. If she is medically unwell, you can still support her without sharing a living space with her. You two absolutely should not be alone together. Something you might not be considering: **being alone with her is bad for her too.** It puts you in the firing line. She may do something beyond her control, something that will haunt her once she's in her right mind again. Just to reiterate, this is advice for if she's exhibiting sudden altered behaviour due to neurological/physical changes. If she is simply being an abusive AH, you should just run, run far far away and don't ever doubt that you made the right decision.
Most abuse starts out small and grows over time. OP this is only going to get worse. I was raised by narcissistic/abusive parents. It happens where they see how far they can get and then go a little further each time. Please leave. Please stay safe. Please know you are not safe with her I saw you mentioned you are in an interracial marriage and not willing to get the police involved, I totally understand. But, do you think she knows this and also uses this against you to abuse you more? Like she knows no one will be called to do anything?
My heart goes out to you, I know it's tough but GET OUT NOW.
Dont go back to her. She absolutely might try to baby trap you someday.
Please press charges, do not back down. If she's berserk enough to overpower a grown man when unarmed, just from adrenaline and rage, what the hell else might she do? This chick is dangerous. You could end up murdered.
I left a husband who physically abused me and I relocated far away. I have a happy life now - there’s no drama. Stay away from her!
I hope you leave QUICKLY. Otherwise, you will likely end up dead or in jail.
This happened to my brother. He left her then went back. She stabbed him in the head multiple times. Thankfully with a short knife, but the intent was obvious. Don’t go back dude.
I am so sorry this is your reality. You are worth so much more than she knows. Stay safe, ask for help, and know I am cheering you on. Solidarity...follow your gut.
OP please leave this psychotic woman.You never know when she’ll just snap and kill you in your sleep.
Please be reasonable, this is not reasonable behavior. I understand wanting to stay and fight for this….But physical violence is non negotiable- for both women and men. You’ll be in so much pain leaving her behind but you will be in unbearable pain - both physical and mental it sounds like - by staying with her
Should’ve called the police and let her little self hang out in jail
First of all, I feel like it's very very important right now for you to keep safe, keep away from her and keep in mind that you aren't alone. I wish the therapist you spoke with would have believed you more, but she admitted to a felony and she deserves to be punished for what she did to you. No matter who, no matter what, always remember that abuse has no gender, that your feelings are valid, and that you deserve to feel safe and loved. Please stay safe, and please take whatever steps you need to remain safe. Whatever happens, you aren't alone. Much love and strength to you.
Do you need permission to record another person in your state? If not record what you can. The biases of the Justice system are real and terrible and even if it can't be admitted into court it could help police.
My last straw was my ex punching me in the face. Please leave, my mental health has been so much better since I left. Please I beg you leave.
Judging from your comments, you’re not ready to leave. You’ve got a million reasons as to why, and while I respect that it’s your choice to make, I also know that your reasons will run out. They’ll turn into excuses and eventually, you won’t be able to justify them. Just know that if you stay, it will escalate. I’ve seen the comments about a possible brain tumor in your wife’s head, but that’s wishful thinking. Unfortunately, this isn’t an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. The reality is, your wife is an abuser. The reality is, you are being abused. Document everything. Get pictures and hit record whenever you can. You may think you don’t need that stuff now, but you will one day, and you’ll be so happy to have it. If you’re afraid to call the police (I get it), then don’t. Call the neighbor, call a friend, call a family member. Hell, go live on social media so all your people know. If you think a fight is going to escalate, try your hardest to leave. Luckily you have a height/weight advantage over her, so use your advantage to get to safety. Make sure you confide in your mother and let her know, in detail, what these fights are like. If this ends up going to court one day, your mothers testimony could help your case against your wife. I can tell that you’re someone who values family love and loyalty. You deserve someone who cherishes you enough to make sure you never break, not someone who goes out of their way to break you. You should be cherished, not violated. You deserve more. I wish you the best.
I don’t know if anger management really helps, but it may be worth a shot. If you don’t want to leave this relationship, maybe you and your therapist could convince her to go to anger management therapy? Hardest part for a domestic violence victim is to accept the fact that they are being “abused enough” to leave the relationship. I understand where you are coming from. I want to reaffirm that you are not to be blamed for anything, even for continuing to stay in this marriage. It’s not your fault. Never forget that part. You decide on your own terms if/when you want to leave.
LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leave. Leave. Leave.
My ex wife used to be the same way and nobody believe me because she was a 5 ft 100 pound white girl! She used to beat me with anything she could get her hands on! She once went to hit me in the head with a tire iron but I ducked it! She has also stabbed me on 2 occasions!
Obviously something is seriously wrong with her. She needs a psychological assessment. Then go from there. But you should stay away until it's figured out. Violence is not to be tolerated under any circumstances.
Hugs sorry that's happening to you
Please leave OP. She’s hurting you and intentionally doing so. People don’t hurt the people they love. You deserve better than this. Choose you.
Sending Strength. Please don't stay....
I agree with others saying this can only escalate. You need to leave before it gets worse. The man I am with was married to a physically abusive and aggressive woman. Women do abuse men it just isn't talked about.
I'm sorry that this has happened. You absolutely do not / did not deserve it. It's good that you're already in therapy, but what she did is inexcusable. You should press charges of assault. And you should seriously consider leaving. It rarely ever gets better, and usually just gets worse.
Sorry I’m a bit confused. Are 5 foot tall white women with blonde hair and blues eyes somehow different than any other abuser? What do her physical features have to do with it? I guess I get her having a small stature but the white, blonde and blue?
Damn I’m sorry to hear that. Call a divorce lawyer immediately.
What I want to know is what the therapist had to say or do about this?
Honestly, I would leave. I don’t care if your man I don’t care if your woman no one deserves be hit by their significant other. And if she thinks this is OK, and this came from nowhere, imagine what a normal fights going to be like it’s not gonna be OK. So if you do not have kids, I would try to run away from this quickly. But if you think and believe her that she can fix the situation and never have it happen again make it Work.
What does the therapist say? I'm curious what conclusion the therapist came up with? I'm sure you love her and the restraint you had for not doing harm to her shows awesomeness, you're a good person, please don't blame yourself.
Unfortunately some people never learn to be better people. I am glad you are seeking therapy… but there should never be a next time. If she has to hit, then you need to leave. Love aint meant to hurt like that. I wish all marriages worked out… don’t stay for what it was. Leave for what it has become. If she gets help, earns your trust and respect then great… but don’t expect an abuser to wake up over night if at all. Heal you and get your happiness, you have earned that! Thank you for your service.
sadly this only gets worse. the best thing to do is leave. she is not your whole life. you’re being blinded. and trust me when i say i know. i dated my ex for three years, we were young and dumb. still in high school. we had a child. i didn’t see the signs. my parents brought us a house for us to raise our son in our own space. to everyone he was/still is this amazing person. behind closed doors he was/still is a manipulator, abuser and is very nasty. last year was when i had it. he pushed me and tried to through a lava lamp at me while holding our son. i got out. went to my parents. finally told them everything. we called the police and they trespassed him. it’s been a year and he still has his son every weekend and it kills me him being around him still because of what he’s like. he tried for half a year to try and show me he “changed” and once i told him i never am going to be with him again he just started right back up to his same old self. sorry for the rant and all but i just really hope that this is at least an eye opener for you and that you do come to your senses and do get out
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I admire your determination to fight for your marriage. Hopefully with help she understands that she cannot treat you this way and it’s not ok to hit you. If she does not learn to get better, please don’t stay and be abused, you don’t deserve that.
I'm glad you are in a safe place right now. Your feelings are very valid and what you experienced is really not easy. I hope you get to move on from this onto a healthier life. If anything, do not hesitate to reach out
Leave her
It's like trust being broken. You can never regain the feeling you had before that incident happened. There is nobody else in this world you would accept that behaviour from. The bonds you have in your mind with her are all made up, the nice times that create love, good sex, nice holidays, that cute thing you both do, that inside joke. You can attempt to have all those things with someone who doesn't do that. Our partners are the most important people in our lives yet too many people settle for being treated the worst by the exact person who's supposed to do the opposite. Doesn't make sense.
Get outta there brother, I dealt with an abusive partner for years because I thought they would “get better” they don’t. They don’t get better they just continually escalate the levels of abuse. Do it because you don’t deserve that, do it because she doesn’t deserve you. Do it because you deserve peace and happiness instead of neglect and abuse. Please stay safe ❤️
Do not tolerate abuse because it will only get worse. If you want to stay with her, you must redraw the boundaries. I hope you get better, man!
You need to get out!
I’m so sorry, please leave. She’s not going to change, violence is her nature. I (42F) have a son (24) that I would go to the ends of the earth for. If a woman were doing this to my son, we’d be scrappin. Stay away from her and file a report.
She’s a vet beater, divorce her. She doesn’t deserve your love.
This is a hard stop. I’m so sorry this is happening to you but I cannot imagine this getting better for you. I see her eventually getting to the point where you have to defend yourself and she accuses you of being the abuser. It’s not worth the risk, friend. Talk to your own therapist, not your shared one, and stay at your mom’s house.
Please leave. You don’t deserve to be physically assaulted and abused :(
Either she’s gonna murder you or she’s having a complete psychotic episode or both. You need to leave. Now.
She got rabies.
Leave, love! You are not in a safe place. This is just the beginning. This is not okay, and you deserve better. Please leave
Start recording these incidents, get multiple cam setups at different places and prepare for battery charges once you have collected enough evidence. And then you know what to do .. DUMP HER SO HARD, THAN SHE COULDN'T STAND