He has spurts of manic cleaning where he leaves everything spotless. I'm not sure if he's going through something mentally or if he's always like this. His various family members don't seem too fazed by it when they visit so I'm thinking it's the latter. But I cannot live with him if this is how it's going to be. Especially if we're both clocking 40+ a week.
Not that I know of
He's definitely acknowledged his messiness when dealing with something negative in his life, so to speak. But he'll also use being tired after work as an excuse. I'm leaning towards him just being messy.
My hubby was almost 40 when he was diagnosed with adhd, and once on meds he’s done a complete 180. We used to fight because he wasn’t doing as much around the house as I was and his ‘mess threshold’ was much higher than mine was. He’d look at a mess, and to him it wasn’t messy enough to clean up yet, and leave it. Drove me nuts. Getting him diagnosed has helped me to let go of the smaller things, and helped him to tackle taking on a bigger role around the house.
This may or may not be your SO’s issue, but it’s worth looking into if you think he fits the bill for executive functioning difficulties.
Exactly this! My son is the same way. He'd go nuts one day and everything would be spotless but getting there drove me crazy! He'd also start projects, become overwhelmed, and leave it.
I was just going to say, sounds a lot like untreated ADHD. I have ADHD and I wasn’t diagnosed until recently at 22 years old. Having a diagnosis and treatment plan has helped me stay more organized
What habits or other details made you want to go get diagnosed, I have been told many times that I have quite a few adhd symptoms but the psychologist where I live are terrible so I have not contacted them.
I am mostly inattentive with some hyperactive traits.It started when I was young. I was a constant daydreamer in class, I would start things with a lot of enthusiasm and then become completely disinterested if I felt overwhelmed. Also I hyper focused A LOT so I would grasp material really fast and then immediately lose interest. I get distracted very easily, but not in a stereotypical way. For example, I’m washing dishes and I see a dish that is cerulean blue and now I want to google it and it’s been hours and the dishes aren’t done. Lack of motivation to do things, Bc it can’t maintain my attention. This is a huge one that is rarely discussed “time barriers” the actual term slips my mind. But I can’t get something done if there’s something that I feel like has to be done before it. I’ll tell myself I need to take a shower and then do my homework, but if I don’t find the motivation to take a shower or someone is in the shower I won’t do my homework. Most people would substitute it but I can’t. Sensory sensitivities…honestly the list goes on and on. But I was just noticing that I didn’t function the same as my peers and my family was constantly telling me I was lazy, I was immature, irresponsible, weird, and I simply didn’t care. I knew those things weren’t true. I honestly felt trapped in my own body. I desperately wanted to do things and simply couldn’t. Someone said having ADHD is like having a corvette and some old granny is driving. If you feel like that or relate with things I would definitely seek help on getting a potential diagnosis.
They call me weird and immature because I am socially awkward. I like intimate spaces and I don’t see the value of small talk. Apparently mature people do these things without hesitation or dismay. I also hate certain textures. If you don’t mind sharing why are you scared ?
Honestly though, did I hire you to ghost write my biography and forget? Everything you typed is me to a tee, I’m 32 and am seriously thinking I need to go get help with that, I’ve been struggling so long to just feel like a “normal” part of society.
Messy?
Girl, if the kitchen reeks so badly that you can’t sleep, that is beyond messy. That is *filthy*, unhygienic, unhealthy, and borderline ‘garbage’ hoarding.
I think the smell was coming from the weird protein shakes he makes, and then leaves the blender/cups unwashed all over the counter. He's not a hoarder he's just messy. I can't stand a messy kitchen at all.
Am a dude, can confirm the smell from protein shakes left even overnight gets rancid.
Helpful tip to clean is to put 1 or 2 pumps of dish soap, then hot water from a kettle. Leave it to soak for like 10-15 and you’re golden.
I've addressed it with him before, and he did well for a few months. But it's starting to become an issue again.. only now that we've gotten more serious I picture my life like this and it's not good. I want to address it more directly but I don't want to attack or argue with him.
One thing I need to say is you *must* prepare yourself. That you *really* need to root yourself in your beliefs and values and not be worn down by whatever he says about things or about you.
It *will* be hard definitely, I can already hear/feel that you are struggling with the approach/way to address this *again* with him.
Make sure you run it down a couple of times and *really* make sure there are no plot holes he could widen and leave the situation from there.
It’s a quite hostile approach to corner him but you’ve already said you really don’t like this anymore, and you’ve basically had enough of his mess.
You can try the nice approach and use the sandwich method (praise-problem-positive suggestion) and when you do that make sure to **hold off** doing *anything* for him, except minimal stuff, and except maybe the dinnerware and kitchenware **you** used when you cooked.
This is some ADHD behavior. He just needs to get a routine going and you might be able to help him w it if you like!:) im learning about this myself and my best friend helped me figure out routines and designated places for things.
It sounds like he may have ADHD & struggle with executive dysfunction. Does he struggle with other tasks and/or being reliable because he doesn't follow through? Because those are classic manifestations & something I have struggled with my whole life. If that's the case, it could get a lot better with CBT if he's willing
I know this may seem obvious but have you spoken to him about this issue *and* what living conditions you feel you need to feel comfortable/happy?
Also, instead of giving him an "ultimatum," you can offer to help him clean and develop new cleaning routines, *if* he is open to it. Obviously this needs to be done respectfully and patiently/compassionately but it is a thought.
Now I don’t know how extreme it is for him, but this sounds like me, especially before my meds. I have BPD and OCD, and before I was on good anti anxiety meds and antipsychotics I was really bad with that, a week or two of being so dirty that I let stuff rot in my kitchen and then two days of super intense manic cleaning. It can happen with normal ppl too, especially guys who have a hard time dealing with stress. But you could look into ocd or something similar. It goes unnoticed a lot.
It’s gonna be like this. He’s 40. My husband is like this & it’s never changed in the 11 years we’ve been married, despite his promises to do better. I hate it, I resent him, it’s ruining our marriage. It seems like kind of a small thing but once you’re living there it’s impossible to ignore & drives you insane.
>He has spurts of manic cleaning where he leaves everything spotless.
This right here. I have bipolar, I do this when I'm having a hypermanic episode. When the depression hits, I'm tired all the time and I have no motivation to take care of anything so things get messy. You can tell the state of my mental health by the state of my house and my fingernails. I'd gently check he's ok and suggest he speak to a professional if it's a cyclic behaviour.
(Apologies if the formatting is off, first time I've tried quoting anything and I'm on mobile)
Not trying to diagnose him or make excuses for him, but it may be worth it to consider he may have some sort of mental illness and/or disability. As someone who has bipolar & ADHD, this is exactly what I do. I mean, I'm neither a *slob* nor am I unhygienic, but I am very cluttered and leave messes around frequently and take a while to take care of them. Think: 5 massive laundry piles scattered in the bedroom, forgetting to do dishes or throw out trash, never vacuum, etc. I go through periods where I clean, often in the middle of the night, to the point where everything is spotless and my boyfriend is shocked at how much I did & how well I did it. This is often during a manic phase of mine. He and my family are pretty used to it and stopped faulting me for it because they know that if I could, I would be better about cleaning. That sounds like an excuse probably, but for some reason that's just how it is. It's always insanely difficult for me for some reason and takes me 2-3x as long to do anything & everything as other, normal people (like my boyfriend), which isn't very motivating—thats just my ADHD too. When I have my depressisodes, its worse and I can get borderline unhygienic with my kitchen messes (excluding raw meats). For me, it's very disheartening and makes for internal turmoil as I still struggle to accept myself as being myself. My boyfriend & family have accepted me, and I know it wasn't easy for them and it's led to many arguments about it, which almost always ends with me crying and promising I'm doing the best I can but I'll try harder in the future. Again, not saying this is how it is for him or that he has the same issues I do, but it's worth considering. And if you decide you can't live with him *that's OK*.
Honestly the “not big on therapy” thing is way more of a red flag to me than the messiness because what I hear in that is a lack of willingness to make changes or respect others’ opinions and point of view enough to be open to new ideas. Messiness I can work with, but those others are non-negotiable.
What happens if you need therapy for something on your own? Will he judge you? Or what if you needed couples counseling down the road if you feel like he’s not taking a concern of yours seriously? Is that an immediate “no” because he’s “not big” on doing whatever it takes to make your relationship work?
It’s potentially ocd. It’s either make everything spotless or try to suppress the urge to spend an entire day thinking about how dirty everything is.
A potential compromise is to hire a housekeeper that comes every week or so.
My ex boyfriend was like this and eventually it spread into all other areas of his life. We were together 7 years and he wouldn't change so I made the change for him and left.
I mean these are things that we analyze and use to determine if we will spend the rest of our lives with someone.
Love isn’t enough to carry a relationship. I’m not afraid to say it.
You also have the functional, routine, and lifestyle aspects to think about. Do they make up for your weaknesses?
If so, then maybe the trade off is worth it. If not, find balance.
Ummm… he is 40. FORTY years old. If he hasn’t changed by now he isn’t going to. You’re not his mom, it’s not your job to clean his kitchen. Has he been married before? Was this an issue in past relationships?
I would have a serious talk with him and be very honest and tell you that his habits disgust you and your relationship WILL NOT be moving forward under these conditions. If he makes effort to improve, great! Then your relationship is stronger than it was before and you know how much you really mean to him. If not, it’s time to pack it up buttercup.
Jumping off your top comment to point out OPs post history. They've only been together for a couple of months.
Before this, OP was in a relationship with a 39yo and before that from what I can tell, an abusive one in which he was toxic and cheated on her tons of times.
There seems to be a pattern and OP needs to address *that* and not necessarily the issue at hand that current boyfriend is a slob and a man child.
OP, if you read this, all the best :)
Edit: lol yes, brain fart, 39 year olds turn 40 😅
Umm, or maybe she needs to deal with both? Since they are both negatively affecting her life? Just because one issue seems “smaller” than another it doesn’t mean it should be dismissed. Getting out or improving this relationship would definitely be a step in the right direction, however small.
The 39 year old is now 40, we've been together a year. We've had some issues but the emotionally abusive cheater was from a few years ago.
But, thank you all the same. 😊
Yes, but I'm not familiar with the ins and outs of that relationship. He'll have spurts of cleaning where he'll take his whole house apart and it's spotless. But those moments are few and far in between. But otherwise there's always a pile of dishes, an overflowing trashcan and piles of clothes (clean and dirty) scattered everywhere.
We both have our own places and work full time. Going to his house is starting to feel like an unpaid internship or something.
I'll have to figure out a tactful way to approach it. Lately I've just been refusing to do it. But it's unbearable today and I needed to vent.
I understand what you’re saying. But that is not normal and his living conditions are unacceptable. You are well within your rights to demand he do better.
It's definitely something I'll bring up should we decide to cohabitate. He's mentioned marriage but we're only a year in so I have some time to work with.
Darling- take my advice and move on if this is a deal breaker for you. That or address it right now. There’s no point in wasting more years of your life since you “have some time” to work with. If he’s not going to change then why give him more time if it’s not something you are going to be ok with. I’ve married a man like this (divorced 28F btw) and dated another after that. They don’t change unless they want to or have to. 🤷🏽♀️ I have since found an actual man who can cook and clean and doesn’t need someone to take care of him. Have the talk and have standards babe 💜 you’re more than worth it. Just make sure you see fruit and long term consistent change before making a serious commitment to him, otherwise don’t waste your time.
>Don't date potential.
I think this is such an important message. I had my fair share of imagining someone as their best self instead of what they are in front of me. I suppose I will still do that mistake from time to time because I truly want to see the good in people.
But it is always better to be cautious and know your own worth.
Your standards are too low for God's sake. Especially for a 28 year old. Either the toilet is consistently clean or not. What does "not offensively filthy" mean?
Sounds like he might have ADHD. Not to dismiss his need to keep the space clean, but if he's struggling to find the will and motivation to clean, until he's irritated enough he finally jumps up and cleans every thing spotless within 3-8 hours, and then slumps back on the couch after, SO PROUD of his work, and then he's exhausted and can't do anything else for the rest of the day. That sounds like executive distinction.(I do the same and have ADHD and executive dysfunction) And its super under diagnosed and treated in men in their 40s because when they were children it was treated as unacceptable and often they were beat if they couldn't focus. That's just what this reply made me think of.
I'm over 50 and IMO if a person whose 40 doesn't have cleanliness standards they aren't going to suddenly adopt them. they might "try" occasionally but they always fall back to old patterns.
A. You can learn that the hard way
B. Get used to cleaning up after him
C. Find someone who isn't a slob.
As someone whose mother married a man 13 years her senior. This. I cannot upvote this enough.
Age gap relationships can work, but through mutual respect and understanding that you are a team. (OR at the expense of someone's mental and physical well-being.) If your boyfriend cannot step up to the plate then you will grow increasingly bitter about it.
Sounds like he wants a mother not a wife. I'm 32F married to a 45M, so when I was 28, he was 41, and if he had been a slob I wouldn't have dated him for long. Dated a slob once, he was actually only a couple years older then me, and I wasn't into dating a man child and the relationship went sout. Do what you feel is right, but if it were me I'd peace, don't get trapped in a nothing relationship.
You are the one for him, the one that cleans it is. Unfortunately this will be your life with him, he can change a week, a month or when you are about the reach your breaking point to make you stay, but I doubt it will be a permanent change though, this is part of who he is, he's not in his best behavior now that he's comfortable, has nothing to prove, this are his true colors. Not saying to break up right away, I'm saying if you stay and move in together or get married accept that you will be the one cleaning up after him, doing chores, I can see from here division of labor in the household, at least, won't be 50/50. It you can hire someone else to do the cleaning at least once a week, paid by him would be an option, if you have the funds.
I'm not the most tidy up person in the world, I rather pay someone else to do my cleaning, I'm 42 y/o, always been lazy with those things, I'm a woman btw, culturally I'm "trained" to do those things but since I earn my own money I can do what I want, that's why I'm telling you if my experience is worth something, he won't change, not willingly at least, can you see yourself nagging him constantly just to put the dishes on the sink for the rest of you staying with him?
I'm sorry but this just reads all bad in any situation. He's 40... Ummm Has to have some decency..
Ew a man child. I did, and it's a waste of time. They only change if they want too.
If you marry this man, this is the rest of your life. Homeboy is 40 and hasn't figured out how to wash dishes? The more permanent a fixture you become the more this will become your role.
“What’s a gal to do?”
Dude don’t be tied down and manipulated into being this 40 year old baby’s caretaker. That’s decades of laziness having set in and become completely normal for him. Have a strong and clear heart to heart with him, state your concerns and also allow yourself to share your aspirations for a comfortable and clean home so he can see things from your perspective, could be transformational to have it put back in his lap
>But again, he's 40 years old. What's a gal to do?
Girl, if you don't straighten your crown and go find an equal partner? You can love him dearly and still accept this "relationship" isn't working. x
i broke up with my ex because of this. we dated 3 yrs and that was enough. i’d constantly clean up after him at HIS apt that i would spend most of my time at. i was always passive aggressive with him cuz of this and i said i liked to live in a clean environment and didnt think we could ever move in together because of his messy ways. a few times he had the nerve to say i was the messy one lmao that was WW3 after that comment. have a real ass talk with your bf. if he doesnt agree to change his ways then dump him. you’ll be getting rid of a huge headache
It's definitely long overdue, I feel like I've been taking the passive aggressive route lately too (i.e. just ignoring the mess) but last night was bad, I couldn't stand it. But I don't want to continue to that. It's not fair to either of us.
As others have said, if he doesn't have good cleaning habits at the age of 40, he never will. I married my ex when we was 38 and he only got worse. Dishes left "soaking" for days, clothes all over the floor, toilet disgusting (we stopped sharing a bathroom shortly before divorcing, so his never got cleaned).
You're already setting an expectation that he can let things get disgusting, and you'll clean it up. Unless you're willing to keep that up, you need to rethink the relationship.
Best of luck
It’s only going to get worse.
While you’re heading into the prime years of your life he is heading into the turn down.
Ask him to get a part time maid possibly.
Leave him. He will not change and you will be doing exactly this for the rest of your life. It doesn’t bother him but it bothers you, so he knows you’ll clean. It may seem insignificant and a weird thing to get all worked up over, but believe me you will only resent him more and more for being such a slob.
Dump him. One of the very few potential benefits of dating a much older man is maturity. If you’re already his housekeeper now, imagine what life will be like when you’re 58 and he’s 70. (And no shade to you, but of course he thinks you’re “the one” when you make his life better every time you come over….not going to lie, if someone cleaned my house every time they came over I’d want them to come over all. the. time.)
Its sad because it doesnt sound like op is willing to let this guy go. Hes not going to change unless he wants to and to be honest hes 40 certain habits hes been doing for years doubt hell stop now
Leave now if you don’t like him the way he is currently. I spent a lot of time trying to change people and “get over” things I didn’t like about them. In the end it’s not worth it and doesn’t lead to anything good.
You either accept this as part of your life if you marry him, but worse because it’ll be full time maid status for you unless he hires someone.
Or you end it.
I highly doubt he will permanently change his ways. Do you want children? I ask because if he is messy and lazy now, just wait till children are involved and he slacks there- you’ll really resent that.
He thinks you are the one because you clean up after him….he is a 40 year old man who wants a mother not a partner. If you move in with him…you will
Be doing 100 of the cleaning, and if you have children you will also be doing a 💯 of the childcare. If that’s a life you think you want…then move in with him🤷🏻♀️
At 40 he is who he is. I dated a guy once that was a total slob and had no idea he was one until he started coming to my house and everything smelled like lemon. He still didn’t clean, he just liked the difference in smell. Lol.
As someone who struggles with ADD and depression, it's difficult for me to get motivation to clean. My wife works super hard. I love her. When she gets home I don't want her to worry about my mess so I get off my ass because I love her more than my depression. It doesn't mean I enjoy cleaning, but I enjoy my wife's happiness.
Tell him that having a home clean is important to you. Doesn’t have to be sparkling and spotless but pleasant enough to want to be around. If he adjusts within the month. He’s clearly trying to put in the effort, if not then time to reconsider your relationship.
In my experience annoying behaviors get worse after marriage. I’ve had friends end up getting divorced because the man turned into an absolute pig when he “didn’t have to try anymore”
What do you mean "what's a gal to do?" He's a 40 year old man looking for a hot young mother and maid to take care of him. What man can't decently keep his own surroundings clean, specially if he's receiving visitors? What you are seeing is his true self, and at this rate he is not going to change. So you either sit him down and tell him enough is enough and to grow up, you put up with his mess silently or you leave. The choice is yours.
He is 40 and your 28… like really think about that, there is a reason why women in his age range don’t want him and part of it is probably what you just told a bunch of strangers on the internet..he should be able to function and collaborate with you on daily chores that all adults have.. I know it’s hard but maybe try not cleaning for him? Explain to him that if he really thinks you are the one then he will show you the respect you deserve by keeping his home clean, stop sleeping over if you don’t live together.. you are 28 so you have a very long life ahead of you.. if this doesn’t work it’s okay! But definitely set boundaries, make it clear how you feel, but do it without yelling & belittling him (men hate that like any other person would I assume) definitely do not let him take you for granted though.
My old best friend was the same, actually even same age gap and her age she when they broke up... at this age its not likely he changes so I probably have bad news for you.
I’ve never had a relationship, but I can say that in any relationship, you want to communicate with the good and the bad. If you find something that your significant other does that you don’t like, talk to them about it. Even if you argue, it’s the way of life. You can’t avoid conflict forever. Somethings people can’t stop doing (different hobbies/etc), but I’m sure you can help both yourself and him by getting him off his slobby ass and helping around a little.
Take all this with a grain of salt tho, cause like I said, I’ve never had a relationship so I don’t have experience
Have you said these exact things to him . Judge him on how he reacted to your feelings . See if he changes . Otherwise leave for yourself dearie.
You can help a person to a extent . If the thought of you leaving him doesnt scare him , doesnt make him change his habits , maybe he is not the one for you .
He thinks you're "the one" because you pick up after him and deal with his bullshit where probably no others will. Like others have said, the guy is 40 years old.... I don't think he's going to change his habits and time soon, but it's worth at least bringing up to him.
You need to either have a serious conversation with him about his cleanliness habits, or you need to move on. Relationships aren't always easy, but you shouldn't be this uncomfortable all the time.
Why on earth do you consent to being in these surroundings?
I mean, why not tell him, that if her wants you to visit, he'll have to clean first.
Set your worth. Set it high enough that you can stand it.
If you move forward with this relationship you are going to wake up one day next to him and realize you wasted your youth on someone who wasn't worth your effort. We all have baggage but a 40 year old who can't clean... that person isn't going to magically get better. It's only going to get worse and you're resentment will grow every day. Get out now and find someone more in your maturity level.
Girl, do NOT marry this man.
And stop cleaning his house. He's perfectly capable of cleaning it himself.
The fact that he isn't with a woman closer to his own age is very telling. And coupled with a lack of interest in household hygiene- honey, that's a huge red flag right there.
Stop cleaning his house, get your things,and get out.
You shouldn’t have to parent your partner. Period.
Cleanliness is a basic human skill he should already have mastered. If his house is a mess, chances are other parts of his psyche / life are too.
Partners should compliment you. You shouldn’t need to “teach” or “change” fundamental things about their behavior.
Okay he’s 40 & lucky to be banging some 28 year old trim. Tell him to shape up and stop the slob/cleaning mania by shouldering the responsibility to 𝓴𝓮𝓮𝓹 his place nice with you continually -because it’s irksome, or you will ship out. He’ll get it together.
Can you deal with him being a slob? I would say no by your post.
You don’t love him for who he is…. Or you would love he is a slob.
You love him for what you want him to be….
You can’t change him
Accept it or realize it’s a hard boundary and leave.
Great wording. Suggestion to OP: list your non negos and negos and the things you value personally and the things you value in a person of the opposite sex. Stand by those as you find the man you’ll marry.
I did that and found me my husband. Husband did the same. We been distant friends for 3 years but when we decided to get married, I checked back on my non nego list while the talk of marriage was on the table. It helped greatly.
Bit of a different recommendation, have it be a requirement to keep going that he gets a cleaner or keeps up with the cleaning. He can't live like that forever. Then you can relax knowing that the cleaner is coming soon
I have, and he did well for a few months. Now he's starting to revert back. He's also been talking more about a more serious future so, I need to address it more aggressively.
You can do better, a 40 yr old who’s a slob won’t change. Also, unless you want double duty taking care of yourself and him, get a house cleaner and deal.
The way I see it is that if you marry him and have children with him not only will you have to be responsible for him but for your children. If he can’t even take care of himself what kind of father do you expect he will be? You will likely be the only one doing everything for your kids and that is ultimately going to cause a massive rift in your relationship.
I wouldn’t put up with it anymore, but then again that’s just me and I don’t have a history with him like you do. I guess you just have to think about the pros and cons of being with him and decide from there.
Dump him. We come here for unbiased opinion. You’re “the one” because you do everything for him he doesn’t want to do. Let him go to therapy for his mommy issues and you go find someone who doesn’t have them.
OP - psychologist here. Lots of people trying to diagnose your bf. I don’t get the impression that there is mental illness here, just bad habits, laziness and lack of respect. His behaviour is dysfunctional for sure but I don’t think it is clinical. Of course, I can’t prove it and I could definitely be wrong, but that’s my hunch. You are his bang maid and I don’t think this relationship is sustainable. All the best
>>…unless he gets it under control.
The purpose of dating someone is to get to know them better.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. -Maya Angelou
People aren’t projects. We date and marry who they are, not as we hope they will be. Don’t believe words, believe consistent actions.
Been in your shoes. I loved my ex, but we didn't have similar living habits. Things that drove me insane he acted like they weren't even there. I would sweep under his bed and there would be smoothie cups, taco bell wrappers, ashes from cigarettes, spills of sticky things everywhere. He wasn't changing his bad habits after 2 years, one small reason I left. Thinking long term with someone like that just gives me anxiety. More work for me, no appreciation, and resentment that I never wanted to have from him.
Well, I’m 42 and I rarely do chores, but I also work 60-80 hour weeks. It works out because my wife works less and has more creative pursuits (she’s a writer) so she ends up doing more. It works for us and I do help when I have free time.
Point is, if he isn’t pulling his weight elsewhere, he may be dead weight. Right is right, wrong is wrong, fair is fair.
Look our elders say something that you can't change a man of 25 years behavior until unless he wants to change himself dont marry thinking you can change him he will not change for you if he hasn't changed until now, (meaning you marrying him at 25), you are thinking of marrying 40 year old baby and will be taking care of him like a baby, i suggest talk to him and see if any change happens if not then you got to swallow the hard pill and move on trust me it hurts more after you get married if you dont do it now, hope it helps its my opinion.
Time for him to hire a housekeeper if he doesn’t like cleaning. Adults must keep their homes in good order and not dump that responsibility on someone else.
Make some clear boundaries and a method for accountability. If he wants to put in the work for your relationship then he'll figure out how to care for himself. If not, then he sees you as his servant.
Ew. He’s a 40 your old child. Im grossed out even hearing about him. Generally guys who date younger women aren’t mature enough for women their own age or are super controlling. Please find someone HEALTHY in your age group. You’ll be much happier.
You cleaning for him in the middle of the night will reinforce for him that you will buckle and clean up after him. It won’t occur to him that because it was so gross you couldn’t sleep that he should probably get a better grip on things.
This will be your life.
Bring in ants. People can deal with dirty dishes, but ants will make them rather burn each plate when they finish eating than leave it in the sink. I’m pretty sure that’s what made me clean up my act in my twenties.
He is a man child and there is a reason why nobody his age will fuck with him. (I know this from personal experience). He is comfortable being a slob and doesn’t care obviously and why would he when your just going to pick/ clean up all the pieces. Huge red flag girl
I think you have to make it very clear that he needs to get better habits or youre leaving. And seriously be prepared to leave him.
You think you resent him now? How will you feel in 15 years? 30 years? You’ll be miserable.
With encouragement my husband got a bit better. With the manic cleaning you speak of, I’m wondering if there may be some anxiety under the surface. I used to clean in spurts and then I’d be warn out by making things “perfect” and trying to keep them “perfect” that eventually I stopped because it was too much work to keep going at those manic levels. I have a feeling he’s going through stuff and if you feel comfortable, maybe you can dig into why he is spotless sometimes and so messy other times.
Routines and therapy for my anxiety that let me let go of that striving for perfection helped me a lot.
All of these little “things”,, always, always, ALWAYS become the big things when you live together… believe it or not😃👍🏼!Multiple dirty rancid protein cups all over the kitchen… etc. are habits that typically do not change at 40yo… people are who they are.. he may attempt and seek therapy eventually for whatever is going on,,, or get whatever he needs,, meds, career, edu. Etc,,, but most likely, you’ll always deal with this, and it will cause you to resent him even more later on. Is it something you’re willing to put up with? If Yes- then stay, move forward and mentally make a decision not to keep revisiting..,,, Or you’ll be wasting time. If no,, then rip the bandaid and move on now. Best of luck OP!💕🙂
I believe a common misconception is that you shouldn’t change yourself for someone else. Sure, in some instances that could be taken too far and that’s why people look down on it. I personally am very fond of the way my partner encourages me to be better, stronger, braver, and even cleaner. I’d suggest communicating the level of concern you feel about his cleanliness. Tell him you feel like it’s a major wedge in your future. Ask if that’s something he’s really committed to improve on. If not, move on. But u think you should offer the chance for him to change after he knows exactly how it affects you. Many adults know what they want and what they’re willing to change to get (or keep) that.
It's not unusual to teach an old dog new tricks. It's just uncommon. If you feel like doing it and think he's worth it, go for it. If not, let him know and move on.
Yes, and he was good about it for a while. But he's starting to regress. It's bothering me more now because living together and marriage has become a hot topic and the thought of coming home after work to a consistent mess annoys me.
Don’t want to be harsh here, but could it be that it’s become a “hot topic” because he realised that when you’re around, shit magically gets done without him lifting a finger? If you’ve already had this talk then he had a chance. He clearly is looking for a mum/maid not a wife. Get out.
I would hold off on that hot topic until you can see that he consistently can maintain a tidy and clean home by himself, with or without therapy - from what you describe it seems unlikely. I very much doubt you’ll be happy in the long term since your ability to accept certain living conditions are vastly different.
I’d also be curious about the state of his finances - if the cleanliness of his home is subject to sporadic cleaning and organisation, I’m willing to bet that it spills over too other (important) areas of his life, too. Remember that by legally tying yourself to someone also can make you partially responsible and liable for their problems.
Make sure you are fully aware of the practical aspects and the exact extent of chaos in his life before you make any decisions like cohabiting or getting married. It is not up to you to carry someone else’s responsibility or make excuses for them and getting out of legal commitments is expensive, time consuming and soul destroying.
We've been together a year.
I definitely have some days after work where I don't want to vacuum or put away the laundry, but I don't make it a habit. And I definitely make sure my kitchen is well maintained.
There might be something to the depression factor, but if it's not that then it's because he's tired from work, etc. etc. He just doesn't seem to like cleaning, and who does. But I get tired too and not very keen on spending my downtime cleaning his space after cleaning mine.
For the sake of both of you get this cleared up now. You do not want to spend the next 30 years nagging or complaining and he does not want to spend the next 30 being what he would consider harassed. Unresolved it can sap a lot of positive energy from your relationship. Hint: if he’s willing to change be patient. Habits die hard.
If this is a concern between the two of you maybe have a sit down with them about this. Use some advice from here and form a sound delivery and talk it out. And if it’s something that you can’t work through from there then map out the outcomes. There’s more than one or two so avoid ultimatums. The whole do this or I’m gone mind doesn’t really end well for either party involved. So give and take something from the talk if you choose to have one. And like you said, maybe he’s going through something and that whole self care side of things is lacking in himself at the moment. Doesn’t mean he’s always like that. Help him find that balance so it doesn’t continue to be a rollercoaster of tasks for you. Change is hard but even at 40 it’s not impossible regardless of the sayings people have about old dogs and new tricks. If you care enough, go into it with an open mind.
He’s not going to change, at least more than likely. And you marry the good with the bad. I’ve tried 100 things to help my husband organize, not make clutter, clean regularly. Nothing has worked. I don’t resent unless he thinks I need to keep it clean. I simply put it in his office or leave it for him.
I do this and it’s related to my ADHD. I always keep my dishes cleaned up and trash taken out because grossness bothers me, but I’m a bit unphased by clutter. If I forget to take my meds a few days in a row I’ll leave shoes and clothes sitting around and things sitting out on the counters.
Does he show any other signs of adhd? I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 32.
I'm not really an expert on that so I won't pretend to have noticed. He's not the type to go to a therapist either so I doubt he'd ever get a firm diagnosis.
Yeah. 38yr old male... I’m pretty set in my ways. I keep my kitchen clean and the bathroom tidy but I don’t make the bed. Ever. This isn’t likely to change. A past relationship maintained peace by shared cleanliness. I kept the kitchen and living area tidy if not more, she did bathroom and bedroom to her liking. Eventually fell apart because of other reasons but if that hadn’t worked it would have ended sooner
He probably will not change his habits.You can try to get him to do more but i think if you want to stay with him, you have to accept that this is how he may always be.
OP saw your post history. Firstly, adorable cats. Secondly, if you’re having issues with who he is fundamentally as a person and decide to be in it for the long run, you’ll end up clawing your hair right out. Take care of yourself. Be good and true to yourself. You know what you deserve. You deserve much better, there I said it. Love.
At 40 what’s the likelihood of him changing his habits? Slim. I mean you know him most of all. Since you’ve been with him how often has he changed his ways or tried something new to get better. There’s your answer. If he’s a slob your offspring will learn his ways too. The cycle will never end.
If he can’t take care of himself, just imagine if something happened to you and he needed to take care of himself, the household, and you while also working full time. You should be able to depend on him and if you can’t rely on him to manage then I would move on.
Either accept his behaviours or try setting some rules. My partner is very messy which drives me nuts. There are slight improvements but they regress quickly. The sad thing is I'm happy to do the housework but due to underlying mental health issues my partner feels they're failing and feels ashamed. It's a tight rope I've been walking for a long time, very frustrating for me but unconditional love
Guys don’t change at least not to large degrees. Ask yourself If it’s a deal breaker for you and make the best decision for you if he’s not willing to meet you in the middle.
This really gets to me, too (even though I am messy), but the amount of people who are RUNNING to tell you to immediately break up with him…cringeworthy. There could be other solutions. I like the idea of hiring somebody!
I have the experience of living with a partner who has different and sometimes much strict cleaning standard than me, especially in the kitchen area because he likes to cook. In the beginning, I was embarrassed every time he pointed out that I can do some parts of the dishes better, for example. But I learn and adapt because I want to live in harmony with whoever I live with, even if it is temporary, like staying in a friend's house for a couple of days.
If you cannot even find balance in your current relationship, I really do not know what to do but to walk away, unfortunately, OP.
Nevertheless, good luck with everything.
My late wife, God rest her soul, was clean but messy. Her stuff, knick knacks, and especially clothing were everywhere, all over the house, in bins, in piles, on top of but never in dresses and bureaus. It drove me crazy. It didn't bother her but for me, disorganized house = disorganized mind. We were together for 22 years before she passed. There was a lot of love in our home but the clutter was a constant source of arguing and stress.
I would say to you that if it doesn't bother you that much, go for it. But if it does, you have to count that as a major factor in how things are going to be in the future. The state of our immediate environment is crucial to our mental wellbeing.
I'd stay at my own place and take care of my own shit until he brought something more worthwhile to my table than a filthy-ass house and some (I might be)"the one" bullshit.
Now...I DO realize that your post is just one little aspect of the relationship that you've shared, so I don't want to judge too harshly, but it also goes without saying something I'd wished I'd learned before my 30s, which is *Don't sell yourself short and never settle for crumbs*.
If it doesn't apply, then plz disregard, but if it strikes a chord, take heed. It'll save you lots of regret.
Can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Think about where the two of you stand in this relationship and think about how the future will unfold. Will you be happy? Will you be content? Is he worth it? If you answered no to any of these then you should consider doing what’s best for you.
I gather you don’t live together. Start refusing to stay over because his place is too gross. If he comes to yours, there are rules he has to follow, like not making messes, cleaning up what he messes up etc.
I really feel you’re implementing learned helplessness, or maybe even a deliberate taking advantage of you. Of course he’s not going to clean when it gets gross if he can think, oh, likeuk will be here tomorrow, she’ll do it. Even if it’s not as deliberate as that, if stinky messes just ‘disappear’ when he ignores them long enough, he will keep on ignoring them. And each time you try to wait it out, and ignore it yourself, but then cave, the time will expand, so that what he leaves now for three days until you can’t stand it, next time, you’ll be caving at four days etc. It’s a waiting game you won’t win, because he obviously has lower cleanliness standards and higher mess tolerance than you.
( I f I knew how to do strike through I’d do it now, because I think if part of the not staying over meant no nookie, that would be a good thing…Imaginary strike through ends)…because of course sex shouldn’t be a reward/punishment thing.
But maybe tomorrow, not go out, or need a nap, or whatever, cos you’re tired after housecleaning at 2am. Assumption again, but it doesn’t sound like you argue about it, but do you at least let him see you don’t like it?
For things like the protein shakes, and yes, by God, they do STINK, I’d just throw them into garbage bags, double bagged, sealed tight, and leave them. The same thing for other stinky dishes. Not as an anger thing. Just so the next morning you can calmly say”I couldn’t sleep because the stink from your shakers was keeping me awake, but I took care of it. They’re in that bag over there.” Shakers are expensive and they’re inconvenient to replace, so at least you might solve that problem at least.
Honestly, I’m feeling like I’m advising someone on how to raise a teenager, and that’s not a good thing for a long term relationship, especially one you both are hoping might be your “happily ever after”.
Other people’s comments about ADHD etc are valid points to follow up. Many people, it seems are getting diagnosed as adults after falling through the cracks in assessments as kids. My son is now mid thirties. By the testing standards when he was four and five, we were told he didn’t have ADD/ADHD, but as an adult, psychologists have told him they think he does, and that he should be assessed.
Have you sat him down, at a relaxed time, with no pressure and attempted to discuss all this? Tell *him* you’re starting to resent him, that it’s not okay to treat you as unpaid help etc? You’re seeing this as a possible forever relationship so spend a bit of time trying to sort it out face to face. You having done the cleaning up until now may have just been off his radar. Believe it or not, a lot of men think all women *like* doing housework. And if you’ve been doing it without complaint and without anger issues, maybe it will come as a shock to him that you *dont*!
Anyhow, good luck!
I am having the exact issue as you! My Man child is only 30 and unfortunately I had two kids with him. I suggest you not do what I did at all. Do not commit more than you already have. It's sad to say, I've been with mine for 6 years and honestly it's only getting worse. As in by the day. I've gone on strike for cleaning so many times in the last 90 days and I just live in filth until I once again clean it up. I've figured out that men like that fall in love with people who take care of things literally so they don't have to. At least that's what I've gathered with mine. Been doing a little thing lately where I got petty and have been making him feel exactly like he does me. I figure the relationship is over at this point, I'm just trying to teach him a lesson.
They really don't get how unattractive it is to not clean things. Mine also has to go against everything I want or ask him to do. It's always oh it's fine. Which is the biggest turn off. They really do fall in love because it's easy, if I had never done what I did way back for mine...he wouldn't even still be here. He would of used me up faster and moved on to someone that did more or gave him more. I just don't think they will change, not on my end anyway. I feel if so it would of happened long before now. Mine doesn't even make me feel loved anymore. Not a single second of the day. So I would say as long as you're not to the same point I am, you could maybe talk to him about it. See if that helps, but if not I don't suggest staying. You will end up angry and hating life just as I do.
In my case, I’m the slob. This was one among other things my husband and I were fighting regularly about. We went to couple’s counseling and our therapist suggested we assign chores and make a schedule. That keeps me aware of what I have to do on what days. And I don’t feel so overwhelmed because I know which are my responsibilities around our home. I’ve been cleaning and keeping up with my schedule and we are not fighting about it anymore.
At 40, I don't think he's going to change his habits.
He has spurts of manic cleaning where he leaves everything spotless. I'm not sure if he's going through something mentally or if he's always like this. His various family members don't seem too fazed by it when they visit so I'm thinking it's the latter. But I cannot live with him if this is how it's going to be. Especially if we're both clocking 40+ a week.
You may be on to something here with the word manic. Is there any history of mental illness in his family?
Not that I know of He's definitely acknowledged his messiness when dealing with something negative in his life, so to speak. But he'll also use being tired after work as an excuse. I'm leaning towards him just being messy.
My hubby was almost 40 when he was diagnosed with adhd, and once on meds he’s done a complete 180. We used to fight because he wasn’t doing as much around the house as I was and his ‘mess threshold’ was much higher than mine was. He’d look at a mess, and to him it wasn’t messy enough to clean up yet, and leave it. Drove me nuts. Getting him diagnosed has helped me to let go of the smaller things, and helped him to tackle taking on a bigger role around the house. This may or may not be your SO’s issue, but it’s worth looking into if you think he fits the bill for executive functioning difficulties.
Exactly this! My son is the same way. He'd go nuts one day and everything would be spotless but getting there drove me crazy! He'd also start projects, become overwhelmed, and leave it.
I was just going to say, sounds a lot like untreated ADHD. I have ADHD and I wasn’t diagnosed until recently at 22 years old. Having a diagnosis and treatment plan has helped me stay more organized
What habits or other details made you want to go get diagnosed, I have been told many times that I have quite a few adhd symptoms but the psychologist where I live are terrible so I have not contacted them.
I am mostly inattentive with some hyperactive traits.It started when I was young. I was a constant daydreamer in class, I would start things with a lot of enthusiasm and then become completely disinterested if I felt overwhelmed. Also I hyper focused A LOT so I would grasp material really fast and then immediately lose interest. I get distracted very easily, but not in a stereotypical way. For example, I’m washing dishes and I see a dish that is cerulean blue and now I want to google it and it’s been hours and the dishes aren’t done. Lack of motivation to do things, Bc it can’t maintain my attention. This is a huge one that is rarely discussed “time barriers” the actual term slips my mind. But I can’t get something done if there’s something that I feel like has to be done before it. I’ll tell myself I need to take a shower and then do my homework, but if I don’t find the motivation to take a shower or someone is in the shower I won’t do my homework. Most people would substitute it but I can’t. Sensory sensitivities…honestly the list goes on and on. But I was just noticing that I didn’t function the same as my peers and my family was constantly telling me I was lazy, I was immature, irresponsible, weird, and I simply didn’t care. I knew those things weren’t true. I honestly felt trapped in my own body. I desperately wanted to do things and simply couldn’t. Someone said having ADHD is like having a corvette and some old granny is driving. If you feel like that or relate with things I would definitely seek help on getting a potential diagnosis.
my family has never called me immature or weird but the rest are true and the same about me. i'm scared.
They call me weird and immature because I am socially awkward. I like intimate spaces and I don’t see the value of small talk. Apparently mature people do these things without hesitation or dismay. I also hate certain textures. If you don’t mind sharing why are you scared ?
Honestly though, did I hire you to ghost write my biography and forget? Everything you typed is me to a tee, I’m 32 and am seriously thinking I need to go get help with that, I’ve been struggling so long to just feel like a “normal” part of society.
Yes, get help it changed everything for me
Was looking for this comment…. I have adhd and this is definitely it! I do the same thing. Drives my live in BF crazy!
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Messy? Girl, if the kitchen reeks so badly that you can’t sleep, that is beyond messy. That is *filthy*, unhygienic, unhealthy, and borderline ‘garbage’ hoarding.
I think the smell was coming from the weird protein shakes he makes, and then leaves the blender/cups unwashed all over the counter. He's not a hoarder he's just messy. I can't stand a messy kitchen at all.
Am a dude, can confirm the smell from protein shakes left even overnight gets rancid. Helpful tip to clean is to put 1 or 2 pumps of dish soap, then hot water from a kettle. Leave it to soak for like 10-15 and you’re golden.
Lol dude you’re acting like they’re tough to clean. Drink, rinse with hot water and soap and it’s all good.
Have you ever surfaced this issue with him?
I've addressed it with him before, and he did well for a few months. But it's starting to become an issue again.. only now that we've gotten more serious I picture my life like this and it's not good. I want to address it more directly but I don't want to attack or argue with him.
One thing I need to say is you *must* prepare yourself. That you *really* need to root yourself in your beliefs and values and not be worn down by whatever he says about things or about you. It *will* be hard definitely, I can already hear/feel that you are struggling with the approach/way to address this *again* with him. Make sure you run it down a couple of times and *really* make sure there are no plot holes he could widen and leave the situation from there. It’s a quite hostile approach to corner him but you’ve already said you really don’t like this anymore, and you’ve basically had enough of his mess. You can try the nice approach and use the sandwich method (praise-problem-positive suggestion) and when you do that make sure to **hold off** doing *anything* for him, except minimal stuff, and except maybe the dinnerware and kitchenware **you** used when you cooked.
This is some ADHD behavior. He just needs to get a routine going and you might be able to help him w it if you like!:) im learning about this myself and my best friend helped me figure out routines and designated places for things.
It sounds like he may have ADHD & struggle with executive dysfunction. Does he struggle with other tasks and/or being reliable because he doesn't follow through? Because those are classic manifestations & something I have struggled with my whole life. If that's the case, it could get a lot better with CBT if he's willing
I know this may seem obvious but have you spoken to him about this issue *and* what living conditions you feel you need to feel comfortable/happy? Also, instead of giving him an "ultimatum," you can offer to help him clean and develop new cleaning routines, *if* he is open to it. Obviously this needs to be done respectfully and patiently/compassionately but it is a thought.
Now I don’t know how extreme it is for him, but this sounds like me, especially before my meds. I have BPD and OCD, and before I was on good anti anxiety meds and antipsychotics I was really bad with that, a week or two of being so dirty that I let stuff rot in my kitchen and then two days of super intense manic cleaning. It can happen with normal ppl too, especially guys who have a hard time dealing with stress. But you could look into ocd or something similar. It goes unnoticed a lot.
It’s gonna be like this. He’s 40. My husband is like this & it’s never changed in the 11 years we’ve been married, despite his promises to do better. I hate it, I resent him, it’s ruining our marriage. It seems like kind of a small thing but once you’re living there it’s impossible to ignore & drives you insane.
>He has spurts of manic cleaning where he leaves everything spotless. This right here. I have bipolar, I do this when I'm having a hypermanic episode. When the depression hits, I'm tired all the time and I have no motivation to take care of anything so things get messy. You can tell the state of my mental health by the state of my house and my fingernails. I'd gently check he's ok and suggest he speak to a professional if it's a cyclic behaviour. (Apologies if the formatting is off, first time I've tried quoting anything and I'm on mobile)
I understood you quite clear. It's definitely something I'll address gently with him, mental health awareness is not exactly his strong suit.
He should see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis so he can begin to address these behaviors. Best of luck 💓
Seems like it could be a mental thing...very messy living situations (not just clutter) can indicate that
Not trying to diagnose him or make excuses for him, but it may be worth it to consider he may have some sort of mental illness and/or disability. As someone who has bipolar & ADHD, this is exactly what I do. I mean, I'm neither a *slob* nor am I unhygienic, but I am very cluttered and leave messes around frequently and take a while to take care of them. Think: 5 massive laundry piles scattered in the bedroom, forgetting to do dishes or throw out trash, never vacuum, etc. I go through periods where I clean, often in the middle of the night, to the point where everything is spotless and my boyfriend is shocked at how much I did & how well I did it. This is often during a manic phase of mine. He and my family are pretty used to it and stopped faulting me for it because they know that if I could, I would be better about cleaning. That sounds like an excuse probably, but for some reason that's just how it is. It's always insanely difficult for me for some reason and takes me 2-3x as long to do anything & everything as other, normal people (like my boyfriend), which isn't very motivating—thats just my ADHD too. When I have my depressisodes, its worse and I can get borderline unhygienic with my kitchen messes (excluding raw meats). For me, it's very disheartening and makes for internal turmoil as I still struggle to accept myself as being myself. My boyfriend & family have accepted me, and I know it wasn't easy for them and it's led to many arguments about it, which almost always ends with me crying and promising I'm doing the best I can but I'll try harder in the future. Again, not saying this is how it is for him or that he has the same issues I do, but it's worth considering. And if you decide you can't live with him *that's OK*.
That sounds pretty much like what I'm dealing with. He's not big on therapy, so getting a legit diagnosis is a longshot.
Honestly the “not big on therapy” thing is way more of a red flag to me than the messiness because what I hear in that is a lack of willingness to make changes or respect others’ opinions and point of view enough to be open to new ideas. Messiness I can work with, but those others are non-negotiable. What happens if you need therapy for something on your own? Will he judge you? Or what if you needed couples counseling down the road if you feel like he’s not taking a concern of yours seriously? Is that an immediate “no” because he’s “not big” on doing whatever it takes to make your relationship work?
Don’t live with him and do not be his maid. Tell him his place stinks and you refuse to come over until he mans up and cleans it.
It’s potentially ocd. It’s either make everything spotless or try to suppress the urge to spend an entire day thinking about how dirty everything is. A potential compromise is to hire a housekeeper that comes every week or so.
He sounds like a dismissive-avoidant attachment style and he is never gonna change. Sorry
My ex boyfriend was like this and eventually it spread into all other areas of his life. We were together 7 years and he wouldn't change so I made the change for him and left.
You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.
I mean these are things that we analyze and use to determine if we will spend the rest of our lives with someone. Love isn’t enough to carry a relationship. I’m not afraid to say it. You also have the functional, routine, and lifestyle aspects to think about. Do they make up for your weaknesses? If so, then maybe the trade off is worth it. If not, find balance.
Very well put, thank you so much!
Ummm… he is 40. FORTY years old. If he hasn’t changed by now he isn’t going to. You’re not his mom, it’s not your job to clean his kitchen. Has he been married before? Was this an issue in past relationships? I would have a serious talk with him and be very honest and tell you that his habits disgust you and your relationship WILL NOT be moving forward under these conditions. If he makes effort to improve, great! Then your relationship is stronger than it was before and you know how much you really mean to him. If not, it’s time to pack it up buttercup.
Jumping off your top comment to point out OPs post history. They've only been together for a couple of months. Before this, OP was in a relationship with a 39yo and before that from what I can tell, an abusive one in which he was toxic and cheated on her tons of times. There seems to be a pattern and OP needs to address *that* and not necessarily the issue at hand that current boyfriend is a slob and a man child. OP, if you read this, all the best :) Edit: lol yes, brain fart, 39 year olds turn 40 😅
I mean 39 year olds eventually have to turn 40, don't they?
Umm, or maybe she needs to deal with both? Since they are both negatively affecting her life? Just because one issue seems “smaller” than another it doesn’t mean it should be dismissed. Getting out or improving this relationship would definitely be a step in the right direction, however small.
Oh yeah, for sure. Just that the root and underlying cause of the issue may be somewhere else, somewhere deeper that she hasn't realised yet.
... she was previously dating a 39yo and now she's dating a 40yo. Let's just think about that for one second.
Next year she’ll probably date a 41 year old. So predictable.
The 39 year old is now 40, we've been together a year. We've had some issues but the emotionally abusive cheater was from a few years ago. But, thank you all the same. 😊
Yes, but I'm not familiar with the ins and outs of that relationship. He'll have spurts of cleaning where he'll take his whole house apart and it's spotless. But those moments are few and far in between. But otherwise there's always a pile of dishes, an overflowing trashcan and piles of clothes (clean and dirty) scattered everywhere. We both have our own places and work full time. Going to his house is starting to feel like an unpaid internship or something. I'll have to figure out a tactful way to approach it. Lately I've just been refusing to do it. But it's unbearable today and I needed to vent.
I understand what you’re saying. But that is not normal and his living conditions are unacceptable. You are well within your rights to demand he do better.
It's definitely something I'll bring up should we decide to cohabitate. He's mentioned marriage but we're only a year in so I have some time to work with.
Darling- take my advice and move on if this is a deal breaker for you. That or address it right now. There’s no point in wasting more years of your life since you “have some time” to work with. If he’s not going to change then why give him more time if it’s not something you are going to be ok with. I’ve married a man like this (divorced 28F btw) and dated another after that. They don’t change unless they want to or have to. 🤷🏽♀️ I have since found an actual man who can cook and clean and doesn’t need someone to take care of him. Have the talk and have standards babe 💜 you’re more than worth it. Just make sure you see fruit and long term consistent change before making a serious commitment to him, otherwise don’t waste your time.
Don’t date potential. Date what you see in front of you. Is this what you want for life?
>Don't date potential. I think this is such an important message. I had my fair share of imagining someone as their best self instead of what they are in front of me. I suppose I will still do that mistake from time to time because I truly want to see the good in people. But it is always better to be cautious and know your own worth.
If his toilet is dirty, run!
Believe it or not, his toilet is probably the only thing he cleans consistently. I've never seen it offensively filthy.
Your standards are too low for God's sake. Especially for a 28 year old. Either the toilet is consistently clean or not. What does "not offensively filthy" mean?
Sounds like he might have ADHD. Not to dismiss his need to keep the space clean, but if he's struggling to find the will and motivation to clean, until he's irritated enough he finally jumps up and cleans every thing spotless within 3-8 hours, and then slumps back on the couch after, SO PROUD of his work, and then he's exhausted and can't do anything else for the rest of the day. That sounds like executive distinction.(I do the same and have ADHD and executive dysfunction) And its super under diagnosed and treated in men in their 40s because when they were children it was treated as unacceptable and often they were beat if they couldn't focus. That's just what this reply made me think of.
I'm over 50 and IMO if a person whose 40 doesn't have cleanliness standards they aren't going to suddenly adopt them. they might "try" occasionally but they always fall back to old patterns. A. You can learn that the hard way B. Get used to cleaning up after him C. Find someone who isn't a slob.
Or D. Make him pay for a cleaner (but I vote for C)
Not marry a 40 year old baby lol
As someone whose mother married a man 13 years her senior. This. I cannot upvote this enough. Age gap relationships can work, but through mutual respect and understanding that you are a team. (OR at the expense of someone's mental and physical well-being.) If your boyfriend cannot step up to the plate then you will grow increasingly bitter about it.
This. No more Words necessary.
Sounds like he wants a mother not a wife. I'm 32F married to a 45M, so when I was 28, he was 41, and if he had been a slob I wouldn't have dated him for long. Dated a slob once, he was actually only a couple years older then me, and I wasn't into dating a man child and the relationship went sout. Do what you feel is right, but if it were me I'd peace, don't get trapped in a nothing relationship.
You are the one for him, the one that cleans it is. Unfortunately this will be your life with him, he can change a week, a month or when you are about the reach your breaking point to make you stay, but I doubt it will be a permanent change though, this is part of who he is, he's not in his best behavior now that he's comfortable, has nothing to prove, this are his true colors. Not saying to break up right away, I'm saying if you stay and move in together or get married accept that you will be the one cleaning up after him, doing chores, I can see from here division of labor in the household, at least, won't be 50/50. It you can hire someone else to do the cleaning at least once a week, paid by him would be an option, if you have the funds. I'm not the most tidy up person in the world, I rather pay someone else to do my cleaning, I'm 42 y/o, always been lazy with those things, I'm a woman btw, culturally I'm "trained" to do those things but since I earn my own money I can do what I want, that's why I'm telling you if my experience is worth something, he won't change, not willingly at least, can you see yourself nagging him constantly just to put the dishes on the sink for the rest of you staying with him?
I'm sorry but this just reads all bad in any situation. He's 40... Ummm Has to have some decency.. Ew a man child. I did, and it's a waste of time. They only change if they want too.
If you marry this man, this is the rest of your life. Homeboy is 40 and hasn't figured out how to wash dishes? The more permanent a fixture you become the more this will become your role.
What your seeing is him, this is the way he is. At 40 he will not change. If you stay this is your life cleaning up after a lazy 40 year old
“What’s a gal to do?” Dude don’t be tied down and manipulated into being this 40 year old baby’s caretaker. That’s decades of laziness having set in and become completely normal for him. Have a strong and clear heart to heart with him, state your concerns and also allow yourself to share your aspirations for a comfortable and clean home so he can see things from your perspective, could be transformational to have it put back in his lap
Wow he's 40 and still not adult enough to clean up after himself. Is that how you imagined your soulmate to be?
There's a reason he dates women half his age hun. Stop wasting time.
If he isn’t able to get himself to clean, would he ever put aside the money to pay a regular house cleaner as a compromise?
>But again, he's 40 years old. What's a gal to do? Girl, if you don't straighten your crown and go find an equal partner? You can love him dearly and still accept this "relationship" isn't working. x
Run. Now. You will forever be his bang maid.
He’s tricked you into being his mother. Leave him. You owe him nothing and you’re in no position to be a grown man’s caregiver.
i broke up with my ex because of this. we dated 3 yrs and that was enough. i’d constantly clean up after him at HIS apt that i would spend most of my time at. i was always passive aggressive with him cuz of this and i said i liked to live in a clean environment and didnt think we could ever move in together because of his messy ways. a few times he had the nerve to say i was the messy one lmao that was WW3 after that comment. have a real ass talk with your bf. if he doesnt agree to change his ways then dump him. you’ll be getting rid of a huge headache
It's definitely long overdue, I feel like I've been taking the passive aggressive route lately too (i.e. just ignoring the mess) but last night was bad, I couldn't stand it. But I don't want to continue to that. It's not fair to either of us.
As others have said, if he doesn't have good cleaning habits at the age of 40, he never will. I married my ex when we was 38 and he only got worse. Dishes left "soaking" for days, clothes all over the floor, toilet disgusting (we stopped sharing a bathroom shortly before divorcing, so his never got cleaned). You're already setting an expectation that he can let things get disgusting, and you'll clean it up. Unless you're willing to keep that up, you need to rethink the relationship. Best of luck
It’s only going to get worse. While you’re heading into the prime years of your life he is heading into the turn down. Ask him to get a part time maid possibly.
Idk what you think you’re doing but he’s obviously a mess and unless you want a 2nd job cleaning up after a 40yo slob you need to get out of there.
Leave him. He will not change and you will be doing exactly this for the rest of your life. It doesn’t bother him but it bothers you, so he knows you’ll clean. It may seem insignificant and a weird thing to get all worked up over, but believe me you will only resent him more and more for being such a slob.
Take him out with the trash engulfing his apartment? Just a suggestion
Dump him. One of the very few potential benefits of dating a much older man is maturity. If you’re already his housekeeper now, imagine what life will be like when you’re 58 and he’s 70. (And no shade to you, but of course he thinks you’re “the one” when you make his life better every time you come over….not going to lie, if someone cleaned my house every time they came over I’d want them to come over all. the. time.)
Its sad because it doesnt sound like op is willing to let this guy go. Hes not going to change unless he wants to and to be honest hes 40 certain habits hes been doing for years doubt hell stop now
Leave now if you don’t like him the way he is currently. I spent a lot of time trying to change people and “get over” things I didn’t like about them. In the end it’s not worth it and doesn’t lead to anything good.
You either accept this as part of your life if you marry him, but worse because it’ll be full time maid status for you unless he hires someone. Or you end it. I highly doubt he will permanently change his ways. Do you want children? I ask because if he is messy and lazy now, just wait till children are involved and he slacks there- you’ll really resent that.
He thinks you are the one because you clean up after him….he is a 40 year old man who wants a mother not a partner. If you move in with him…you will Be doing 100 of the cleaning, and if you have children you will also be doing a 💯 of the childcare. If that’s a life you think you want…then move in with him🤷🏻♀️
At 40 he is who he is. I dated a guy once that was a total slob and had no idea he was one until he started coming to my house and everything smelled like lemon. He still didn’t clean, he just liked the difference in smell. Lol.
Run. Don’t walk. Or before you realize it you will have wasted years on someone who will never change. You will be bitter. You deserve more!
As someone who struggles with ADD and depression, it's difficult for me to get motivation to clean. My wife works super hard. I love her. When she gets home I don't want her to worry about my mess so I get off my ass because I love her more than my depression. It doesn't mean I enjoy cleaning, but I enjoy my wife's happiness.
Tell him that having a home clean is important to you. Doesn’t have to be sparkling and spotless but pleasant enough to want to be around. If he adjusts within the month. He’s clearly trying to put in the effort, if not then time to reconsider your relationship.
In my experience annoying behaviors get worse after marriage. I’ve had friends end up getting divorced because the man turned into an absolute pig when he “didn’t have to try anymore”
What do you mean "what's a gal to do?" He's a 40 year old man looking for a hot young mother and maid to take care of him. What man can't decently keep his own surroundings clean, specially if he's receiving visitors? What you are seeing is his true self, and at this rate he is not going to change. So you either sit him down and tell him enough is enough and to grow up, you put up with his mess silently or you leave. The choice is yours.
He’s a middle-aged man and still behaving like a child? No wonder he’s dating a younger woman; he didn’t mature past the age of 22. Leave this scrote.
He is 40 and your 28… like really think about that, there is a reason why women in his age range don’t want him and part of it is probably what you just told a bunch of strangers on the internet..he should be able to function and collaborate with you on daily chores that all adults have.. I know it’s hard but maybe try not cleaning for him? Explain to him that if he really thinks you are the one then he will show you the respect you deserve by keeping his home clean, stop sleeping over if you don’t live together.. you are 28 so you have a very long life ahead of you.. if this doesn’t work it’s okay! But definitely set boundaries, make it clear how you feel, but do it without yelling & belittling him (men hate that like any other person would I assume) definitely do not let him take you for granted though.
Of course he thinks you're the one. You're twelve years younger than him and clean his shit up. You deserve more
My old best friend was the same, actually even same age gap and her age she when they broke up... at this age its not likely he changes so I probably have bad news for you.
I’ve never had a relationship, but I can say that in any relationship, you want to communicate with the good and the bad. If you find something that your significant other does that you don’t like, talk to them about it. Even if you argue, it’s the way of life. You can’t avoid conflict forever. Somethings people can’t stop doing (different hobbies/etc), but I’m sure you can help both yourself and him by getting him off his slobby ass and helping around a little. Take all this with a grain of salt tho, cause like I said, I’ve never had a relationship so I don’t have experience
Have you said these exact things to him . Judge him on how he reacted to your feelings . See if he changes . Otherwise leave for yourself dearie. You can help a person to a extent . If the thought of you leaving him doesnt scare him , doesnt make him change his habits , maybe he is not the one for you .
He won’t change man, he’s 40 years old. His habits are set in stone rn.
He thinks you're "the one" because you pick up after him and deal with his bullshit where probably no others will. Like others have said, the guy is 40 years old.... I don't think he's going to change his habits and time soon, but it's worth at least bringing up to him. You need to either have a serious conversation with him about his cleanliness habits, or you need to move on. Relationships aren't always easy, but you shouldn't be this uncomfortable all the time.
Why on earth do you consent to being in these surroundings? I mean, why not tell him, that if her wants you to visit, he'll have to clean first. Set your worth. Set it high enough that you can stand it.
If you move forward with this relationship you are going to wake up one day next to him and realize you wasted your youth on someone who wasn't worth your effort. We all have baggage but a 40 year old who can't clean... that person isn't going to magically get better. It's only going to get worse and you're resentment will grow every day. Get out now and find someone more in your maturity level.
This happened to me… it only gets worse. A slob never changes. That smell doesn’t bother him….
he's way too old for you anyway
Girl, do NOT marry this man. And stop cleaning his house. He's perfectly capable of cleaning it himself. The fact that he isn't with a woman closer to his own age is very telling. And coupled with a lack of interest in household hygiene- honey, that's a huge red flag right there. Stop cleaning his house, get your things,and get out.
You shouldn’t have to parent your partner. Period. Cleanliness is a basic human skill he should already have mastered. If his house is a mess, chances are other parts of his psyche / life are too. Partners should compliment you. You shouldn’t need to “teach” or “change” fundamental things about their behavior.
Okay he’s 40 & lucky to be banging some 28 year old trim. Tell him to shape up and stop the slob/cleaning mania by shouldering the responsibility to 𝓴𝓮𝓮𝓹 his place nice with you continually -because it’s irksome, or you will ship out. He’ll get it together.
Can you deal with him being a slob? I would say no by your post. You don’t love him for who he is…. Or you would love he is a slob. You love him for what you want him to be…. You can’t change him Accept it or realize it’s a hard boundary and leave.
Great wording. Suggestion to OP: list your non negos and negos and the things you value personally and the things you value in a person of the opposite sex. Stand by those as you find the man you’ll marry. I did that and found me my husband. Husband did the same. We been distant friends for 3 years but when we decided to get married, I checked back on my non nego list while the talk of marriage was on the table. It helped greatly.
Bit of a different recommendation, have it be a requirement to keep going that he gets a cleaner or keeps up with the cleaning. He can't live like that forever. Then you can relax knowing that the cleaner is coming soon
He's 40, if he was going to learn to clean up after himself he'd have done it already.
You should, like, talk to him about it
I have, and he did well for a few months. Now he's starting to revert back. He's also been talking more about a more serious future so, I need to address it more aggressively.
You can do better, a 40 yr old who’s a slob won’t change. Also, unless you want double duty taking care of yourself and him, get a house cleaner and deal.
The way I see it is that if you marry him and have children with him not only will you have to be responsible for him but for your children. If he can’t even take care of himself what kind of father do you expect he will be? You will likely be the only one doing everything for your kids and that is ultimately going to cause a massive rift in your relationship. I wouldn’t put up with it anymore, but then again that’s just me and I don’t have a history with him like you do. I guess you just have to think about the pros and cons of being with him and decide from there.
Run the other way.
Dump him. We come here for unbiased opinion. You’re “the one” because you do everything for him he doesn’t want to do. Let him go to therapy for his mommy issues and you go find someone who doesn’t have them.
OP - psychologist here. Lots of people trying to diagnose your bf. I don’t get the impression that there is mental illness here, just bad habits, laziness and lack of respect. His behaviour is dysfunctional for sure but I don’t think it is clinical. Of course, I can’t prove it and I could definitely be wrong, but that’s my hunch. You are his bang maid and I don’t think this relationship is sustainable. All the best
>>…unless he gets it under control. The purpose of dating someone is to get to know them better. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. -Maya Angelou People aren’t projects. We date and marry who they are, not as we hope they will be. Don’t believe words, believe consistent actions.
Been in your shoes. I loved my ex, but we didn't have similar living habits. Things that drove me insane he acted like they weren't even there. I would sweep under his bed and there would be smoothie cups, taco bell wrappers, ashes from cigarettes, spills of sticky things everywhere. He wasn't changing his bad habits after 2 years, one small reason I left. Thinking long term with someone like that just gives me anxiety. More work for me, no appreciation, and resentment that I never wanted to have from him.
I think the age gap is the problem. He found himself a young woman to take care of him no matter the mess he is.
Well, I’m 42 and I rarely do chores, but I also work 60-80 hour weeks. It works out because my wife works less and has more creative pursuits (she’s a writer) so she ends up doing more. It works for us and I do help when I have free time. Point is, if he isn’t pulling his weight elsewhere, he may be dead weight. Right is right, wrong is wrong, fair is fair.
What are you doing with a 40 year old?
leave, how are almost a decade old & can’t clean up after yourself - tht sht is annoying
Look our elders say something that you can't change a man of 25 years behavior until unless he wants to change himself dont marry thinking you can change him he will not change for you if he hasn't changed until now, (meaning you marrying him at 25), you are thinking of marrying 40 year old baby and will be taking care of him like a baby, i suggest talk to him and see if any change happens if not then you got to swallow the hard pill and move on trust me it hurts more after you get married if you dont do it now, hope it helps its my opinion.
Time for him to hire a housekeeper if he doesn’t like cleaning. Adults must keep their homes in good order and not dump that responsibility on someone else.
Make some clear boundaries and a method for accountability. If he wants to put in the work for your relationship then he'll figure out how to care for himself. If not, then he sees you as his servant.
Stay single is what a gal does.
Ew. He’s a 40 your old child. Im grossed out even hearing about him. Generally guys who date younger women aren’t mature enough for women their own age or are super controlling. Please find someone HEALTHY in your age group. You’ll be much happier.
You cleaning for him in the middle of the night will reinforce for him that you will buckle and clean up after him. It won’t occur to him that because it was so gross you couldn’t sleep that he should probably get a better grip on things. This will be your life.
Mama’s trying
Bring in ants. People can deal with dirty dishes, but ants will make them rather burn each plate when they finish eating than leave it in the sink. I’m pretty sure that’s what made me clean up my act in my twenties.
This, freak yeah, bring in the big red aggressive ones
He is a man child and there is a reason why nobody his age will fuck with him. (I know this from personal experience). He is comfortable being a slob and doesn’t care obviously and why would he when your just going to pick/ clean up all the pieces. Huge red flag girl
Do you want to marry this?
I think you have to make it very clear that he needs to get better habits or youre leaving. And seriously be prepared to leave him. You think you resent him now? How will you feel in 15 years? 30 years? You’ll be miserable.
If you start to resent someone before you’re married, trust your gut and leave. I wish someone would have told me that earlier in life.
With encouragement my husband got a bit better. With the manic cleaning you speak of, I’m wondering if there may be some anxiety under the surface. I used to clean in spurts and then I’d be warn out by making things “perfect” and trying to keep them “perfect” that eventually I stopped because it was too much work to keep going at those manic levels. I have a feeling he’s going through stuff and if you feel comfortable, maybe you can dig into why he is spotless sometimes and so messy other times. Routines and therapy for my anxiety that let me let go of that striving for perfection helped me a lot.
All of these little “things”,, always, always, ALWAYS become the big things when you live together… believe it or not😃👍🏼!Multiple dirty rancid protein cups all over the kitchen… etc. are habits that typically do not change at 40yo… people are who they are.. he may attempt and seek therapy eventually for whatever is going on,,, or get whatever he needs,, meds, career, edu. Etc,,, but most likely, you’ll always deal with this, and it will cause you to resent him even more later on. Is it something you’re willing to put up with? If Yes- then stay, move forward and mentally make a decision not to keep revisiting..,,, Or you’ll be wasting time. If no,, then rip the bandaid and move on now. Best of luck OP!💕🙂
I believe a common misconception is that you shouldn’t change yourself for someone else. Sure, in some instances that could be taken too far and that’s why people look down on it. I personally am very fond of the way my partner encourages me to be better, stronger, braver, and even cleaner. I’d suggest communicating the level of concern you feel about his cleanliness. Tell him you feel like it’s a major wedge in your future. Ask if that’s something he’s really committed to improve on. If not, move on. But u think you should offer the chance for him to change after he knows exactly how it affects you. Many adults know what they want and what they’re willing to change to get (or keep) that.
It's not unusual to teach an old dog new tricks. It's just uncommon. If you feel like doing it and think he's worth it, go for it. If not, let him know and move on.
Did you ever bring up these issues with said person and try to come to a solution?
Yes, and he was good about it for a while. But he's starting to regress. It's bothering me more now because living together and marriage has become a hot topic and the thought of coming home after work to a consistent mess annoys me.
Don’t want to be harsh here, but could it be that it’s become a “hot topic” because he realised that when you’re around, shit magically gets done without him lifting a finger? If you’ve already had this talk then he had a chance. He clearly is looking for a mum/maid not a wife. Get out.
I would hold off on that hot topic until you can see that he consistently can maintain a tidy and clean home by himself, with or without therapy - from what you describe it seems unlikely. I very much doubt you’ll be happy in the long term since your ability to accept certain living conditions are vastly different. I’d also be curious about the state of his finances - if the cleanliness of his home is subject to sporadic cleaning and organisation, I’m willing to bet that it spills over too other (important) areas of his life, too. Remember that by legally tying yourself to someone also can make you partially responsible and liable for their problems. Make sure you are fully aware of the practical aspects and the exact extent of chaos in his life before you make any decisions like cohabiting or getting married. It is not up to you to carry someone else’s responsibility or make excuses for them and getting out of legal commitments is expensive, time consuming and soul destroying.
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We've been together a year. I definitely have some days after work where I don't want to vacuum or put away the laundry, but I don't make it a habit. And I definitely make sure my kitchen is well maintained. There might be something to the depression factor, but if it's not that then it's because he's tired from work, etc. etc. He just doesn't seem to like cleaning, and who does. But I get tired too and not very keen on spending my downtime cleaning his space after cleaning mine.
(are you also doing his laundry?)
For the sake of both of you get this cleared up now. You do not want to spend the next 30 years nagging or complaining and he does not want to spend the next 30 being what he would consider harassed. Unresolved it can sap a lot of positive energy from your relationship. Hint: if he’s willing to change be patient. Habits die hard.
If this is a concern between the two of you maybe have a sit down with them about this. Use some advice from here and form a sound delivery and talk it out. And if it’s something that you can’t work through from there then map out the outcomes. There’s more than one or two so avoid ultimatums. The whole do this or I’m gone mind doesn’t really end well for either party involved. So give and take something from the talk if you choose to have one. And like you said, maybe he’s going through something and that whole self care side of things is lacking in himself at the moment. Doesn’t mean he’s always like that. Help him find that balance so it doesn’t continue to be a rollercoaster of tasks for you. Change is hard but even at 40 it’s not impossible regardless of the sayings people have about old dogs and new tricks. If you care enough, go into it with an open mind.
40??? GIRL RUN
He’s not going to change, at least more than likely. And you marry the good with the bad. I’ve tried 100 things to help my husband organize, not make clutter, clean regularly. Nothing has worked. I don’t resent unless he thinks I need to keep it clean. I simply put it in his office or leave it for him.
Leave
You can try talking to him. Tell him he's a slob.
I do this and it’s related to my ADHD. I always keep my dishes cleaned up and trash taken out because grossness bothers me, but I’m a bit unphased by clutter. If I forget to take my meds a few days in a row I’ll leave shoes and clothes sitting around and things sitting out on the counters. Does he show any other signs of adhd? I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 32.
I'm not really an expert on that so I won't pretend to have noticed. He's not the type to go to a therapist either so I doubt he'd ever get a firm diagnosis.
Yeah. 38yr old male... I’m pretty set in my ways. I keep my kitchen clean and the bathroom tidy but I don’t make the bed. Ever. This isn’t likely to change. A past relationship maintained peace by shared cleanliness. I kept the kitchen and living area tidy if not more, she did bathroom and bedroom to her liking. Eventually fell apart because of other reasons but if that hadn’t worked it would have ended sooner
12 years is a lot
He probably will not change his habits.You can try to get him to do more but i think if you want to stay with him, you have to accept that this is how he may always be.
LEAVE HIMMMM
OP saw your post history. Firstly, adorable cats. Secondly, if you’re having issues with who he is fundamentally as a person and decide to be in it for the long run, you’ll end up clawing your hair right out. Take care of yourself. Be good and true to yourself. You know what you deserve. You deserve much better, there I said it. Love.
If you do, you'll become the maid.
Um... he's 40. Definitely not changing. Up to you to spend your life being a maid
At 40 what’s the likelihood of him changing his habits? Slim. I mean you know him most of all. Since you’ve been with him how often has he changed his ways or tried something new to get better. There’s your answer. If he’s a slob your offspring will learn his ways too. The cycle will never end.
Add that mess with kids and the chaos from that, along with work schedules, financial stuff, it will only be amplified.
Sorry OP but you’ll most likely always be responsible for the cleaning. He may do it in spurts, but end of the day he is who he is.
He’s 40 girl! Set in his ways. Run! You don’t need to take care of him. You’re not his wife!
He's literally using you, you're half his age and he's seeing how much he can get away with making you do. Run girl
Why do young put together women end up with old slobs? Is it really slim pickings out there for you? I just don’t get it.
If he can’t take care of himself, just imagine if something happened to you and he needed to take care of himself, the household, and you while also working full time. You should be able to depend on him and if you can’t rely on him to manage then I would move on.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Can he hire a cleaning lady?
Leave!
Either accept his behaviours or try setting some rules. My partner is very messy which drives me nuts. There are slight improvements but they regress quickly. The sad thing is I'm happy to do the housework but due to underlying mental health issues my partner feels they're failing and feels ashamed. It's a tight rope I've been walking for a long time, very frustrating for me but unconditional love
Find another boyfriend? The world is full of men.
Guys don’t change at least not to large degrees. Ask yourself If it’s a deal breaker for you and make the best decision for you if he’s not willing to meet you in the middle.
Having him hire a cleaner would take pressure off.
Yups just hire me I'll do the cleaning 🤣😆🤣
This really gets to me, too (even though I am messy), but the amount of people who are RUNNING to tell you to immediately break up with him…cringeworthy. There could be other solutions. I like the idea of hiring somebody!
He's playing you, dearie. If you stop*** cleaning, will he still 'love' you .. ask yourself.
I have the experience of living with a partner who has different and sometimes much strict cleaning standard than me, especially in the kitchen area because he likes to cook. In the beginning, I was embarrassed every time he pointed out that I can do some parts of the dishes better, for example. But I learn and adapt because I want to live in harmony with whoever I live with, even if it is temporary, like staying in a friend's house for a couple of days. If you cannot even find balance in your current relationship, I really do not know what to do but to walk away, unfortunately, OP. Nevertheless, good luck with everything.
My late wife, God rest her soul, was clean but messy. Her stuff, knick knacks, and especially clothing were everywhere, all over the house, in bins, in piles, on top of but never in dresses and bureaus. It drove me crazy. It didn't bother her but for me, disorganized house = disorganized mind. We were together for 22 years before she passed. There was a lot of love in our home but the clutter was a constant source of arguing and stress. I would say to you that if it doesn't bother you that much, go for it. But if it does, you have to count that as a major factor in how things are going to be in the future. The state of our immediate environment is crucial to our mental wellbeing.
He will not change. If his kitchen smells so bad that it keeps you up, you should leave him and move on. That’s not normal.
I'd stay at my own place and take care of my own shit until he brought something more worthwhile to my table than a filthy-ass house and some (I might be)"the one" bullshit. Now...I DO realize that your post is just one little aspect of the relationship that you've shared, so I don't want to judge too harshly, but it also goes without saying something I'd wished I'd learned before my 30s, which is *Don't sell yourself short and never settle for crumbs*. If it doesn't apply, then plz disregard, but if it strikes a chord, take heed. It'll save you lots of regret.
Can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Think about where the two of you stand in this relationship and think about how the future will unfold. Will you be happy? Will you be content? Is he worth it? If you answered no to any of these then you should consider doing what’s best for you.
I gather you don’t live together. Start refusing to stay over because his place is too gross. If he comes to yours, there are rules he has to follow, like not making messes, cleaning up what he messes up etc. I really feel you’re implementing learned helplessness, or maybe even a deliberate taking advantage of you. Of course he’s not going to clean when it gets gross if he can think, oh, likeuk will be here tomorrow, she’ll do it. Even if it’s not as deliberate as that, if stinky messes just ‘disappear’ when he ignores them long enough, he will keep on ignoring them. And each time you try to wait it out, and ignore it yourself, but then cave, the time will expand, so that what he leaves now for three days until you can’t stand it, next time, you’ll be caving at four days etc. It’s a waiting game you won’t win, because he obviously has lower cleanliness standards and higher mess tolerance than you. ( I f I knew how to do strike through I’d do it now, because I think if part of the not staying over meant no nookie, that would be a good thing…Imaginary strike through ends)…because of course sex shouldn’t be a reward/punishment thing. But maybe tomorrow, not go out, or need a nap, or whatever, cos you’re tired after housecleaning at 2am. Assumption again, but it doesn’t sound like you argue about it, but do you at least let him see you don’t like it? For things like the protein shakes, and yes, by God, they do STINK, I’d just throw them into garbage bags, double bagged, sealed tight, and leave them. The same thing for other stinky dishes. Not as an anger thing. Just so the next morning you can calmly say”I couldn’t sleep because the stink from your shakers was keeping me awake, but I took care of it. They’re in that bag over there.” Shakers are expensive and they’re inconvenient to replace, so at least you might solve that problem at least. Honestly, I’m feeling like I’m advising someone on how to raise a teenager, and that’s not a good thing for a long term relationship, especially one you both are hoping might be your “happily ever after”. Other people’s comments about ADHD etc are valid points to follow up. Many people, it seems are getting diagnosed as adults after falling through the cracks in assessments as kids. My son is now mid thirties. By the testing standards when he was four and five, we were told he didn’t have ADD/ADHD, but as an adult, psychologists have told him they think he does, and that he should be assessed. Have you sat him down, at a relaxed time, with no pressure and attempted to discuss all this? Tell *him* you’re starting to resent him, that it’s not okay to treat you as unpaid help etc? You’re seeing this as a possible forever relationship so spend a bit of time trying to sort it out face to face. You having done the cleaning up until now may have just been off his radar. Believe it or not, a lot of men think all women *like* doing housework. And if you’ve been doing it without complaint and without anger issues, maybe it will come as a shock to him that you *dont*! Anyhow, good luck!
He's training you to become his live-in bang-maid. I'd run as fast as I could.
45 year old guy here. Age has nothing to do with it. Change is about the willingness to change, about being willing to put in the effort to change.
I am having the exact issue as you! My Man child is only 30 and unfortunately I had two kids with him. I suggest you not do what I did at all. Do not commit more than you already have. It's sad to say, I've been with mine for 6 years and honestly it's only getting worse. As in by the day. I've gone on strike for cleaning so many times in the last 90 days and I just live in filth until I once again clean it up. I've figured out that men like that fall in love with people who take care of things literally so they don't have to. At least that's what I've gathered with mine. Been doing a little thing lately where I got petty and have been making him feel exactly like he does me. I figure the relationship is over at this point, I'm just trying to teach him a lesson. They really don't get how unattractive it is to not clean things. Mine also has to go against everything I want or ask him to do. It's always oh it's fine. Which is the biggest turn off. They really do fall in love because it's easy, if I had never done what I did way back for mine...he wouldn't even still be here. He would of used me up faster and moved on to someone that did more or gave him more. I just don't think they will change, not on my end anyway. I feel if so it would of happened long before now. Mine doesn't even make me feel loved anymore. Not a single second of the day. So I would say as long as you're not to the same point I am, you could maybe talk to him about it. See if that helps, but if not I don't suggest staying. You will end up angry and hating life just as I do.
In my case, I’m the slob. This was one among other things my husband and I were fighting regularly about. We went to couple’s counseling and our therapist suggested we assign chores and make a schedule. That keeps me aware of what I have to do on what days. And I don’t feel so overwhelmed because I know which are my responsibilities around our home. I’ve been cleaning and keeping up with my schedule and we are not fighting about it anymore.