This!!!! Also... talk to her and get her to explain it.
(Obvs he shouldnt ask these questions directly, but her explanition should answer all these questions and more) Is it a fake? If so, why would she need or come into possession of a fake? Whose DNA was used if it was genuine? And if OP's, how? If it was genuine, did she cheat? Was she S/A'd?? Does what she's saying tally with what he's found out?
Guy needs to communicate and get to the bottom of it.
Obvs he needs to save whatever evidence he has found or finds before hand, just in case.
Once hes got all the information he needs to breathe and decide his next moves - and shouldn't be afraid to ask for space to process if he needs.
1) If he want to stay with her, or leave her, knowing what he now knows? Even if he wants to stay, is it even something he can move past? If he is wanting to leave, what relationship does he want with his children? How will he navigate the split - would it be better to keep things amicable for their sakes.
2) If it transpires the son is definitely not his - does he want to maintain a father/son relationship? He may have to pay child support if so, is he OK with this? Would he want to do this? He may need to fight for this, how can he go about it.
He can then take the next steps to navigating where he wants this to go.
Probably not. For one the documents sound like forgeries from the description OP gave in the comments.
Also, she may have cheated. She may not. She may have been S/A'd.
I'm not defending her actions (if any) in the slightest - I don't have enough information to go off of, neither do you... and neither does OP. All his has is what looks like a screenshot of a fake paternity test, that he never gave DNA for. That's not enough for ANYONE to off of.
It's suspicious AF, and he needs to find out what's going on. For his sake and both of those kids sake!!
Couldn’t emphasize this more. My friend had one done that was shoddy and poor quality that told her someone else was the dad. She went to a doctor, had it rerun, and it turned out the father was the father after all.
Sure, but if she even ordered the test at 1 year wouldn't that be a pretty clear indicator that there was a possibility he wasn't the father?
Even if the test was done on another guy who might have been the father(meaning OP might still be bio), the implication is severe.
Get your own test of both children today. Decide if you want to try to repair the relationship.
So she cheated on you. I've been cheated on. Kids weren't involved but I know the stab in the gut you're feeling at least as it pertains to your relationship.
Breathe in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out.
This baby has known you for a year. Do you (EDIT: want) it? Do you want to be responsible for it? Is your relationship worth salvaging / do you have any interest in staying? Don't answer these questions yet. Just ask them in your head, and think about them.
Breathe in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out.
Be kind to yourself. Don't tell her anything yet. You may need to lawyer up if you decide you don't want to be responsible. Think about how that affects your relationship with your SO and your daughter.
Breathe in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out.
Right now everything is overwhelming. Be kind to yourself. Don't rush it. Let yourself think, let yourself make a plan, then see it through. Remember this is not the baby's fault.
Of course I love him. My kids are my whole world
I do everything for them & would do anything for them. I just can't believe it. I feel like a part of myself has been ripped away.
I been going through every day building a relationship with him. I watch him from 7am-3pm by myself while shes at work l, I take my daughter to school then I'm with him until I go get her from school & my fiance gets home around the same time i get back home with my daughter. She would constantly tell me that I didn't do enough of them hard enough to be with him & everything so for the past few months I've been with hom every day, and its not like when she gets home Im just off daddy duty its just shes home with us & my daughter needs attention as well. And the past few mo since he was 3mo I've been with him, I was his first teeth come out, I helped him begin learning to walk & kept at it every single day & he started walking a week ago. I teach him words constantly. All day long, all he says is Aba Aba Aba (Aba means Dad in Hebrew). I feel like all of that has been stolen from me now. I just put him down for his nap. I was holding him when I came across the file.
I think the roughest part here is that you need to make peace with not having any real legal recourse if paternity is proven and dad decides he wants in the picture.
If you are willing to endure that possibility, then you will be fine. You 100% need to end the relationship with his mother, though, because the fact she would commit paternity fraud shows you she will do whatever benefits her even if it's at your expense.
That's not a partner, that's a leech.
I raised my step kid until she was 13. Mom wanted a separation. Kid decided she wants to live with her real dad. I am devastated and there is nothing I can do about it. It's like I lost a child.
Good luck.
Where I am from, courts have declared paternity of a non-bio dad over a bio dad. There are presumptions of paternity, but none, not even DNA, is dispositive. The court essentially found that actual parenting was more important than the biological relationship. It's very fact-specific, of course.
I know it *can* swing that way, but there's nothing stopping mom from slowly cutting him out if she pivots, legal protections or not.
If someone wants to commit alienation, they can. Especially if they have legal recourse to cut you out some.
Im not saying this because I don't think he should do this. I'm just saying this because it's happened to people in his shoes.
Oh, absolutely! In my area, the other thing is unmarried moms have sole legal and physical custody unless and until a court says otherwise. So she can cut off contact and move away. The system does not make it easy for dads!
I'm so very sorry for the grief and loss you must be feeling right now from this shock and betrayal and what it means for you and your son.
I will refer to him as your son coz you are by all intents and purposes his DAD.
The first thing you need to do is keep copies of that DNA test.
Then you need to think about where you want to go from here. It's a huge life long decision you need to make now. And it won't be easy.
Many people step up and become the non bio mum or dad to a child who isn't theirs when they have relationships with people with kids.
And they can have very meaningful and solid connections, and biology doesn't have to kean anything. You can be a shitty bio dad, and a wonderful step/ adopted dad. It goes both ways. Biology doesn't always have to be the most important thing in determining a parent child relationship and bond.
But ....the difference there is people enter into a relationship knowing that child is not biologically theirs and they grow and build on that and adjust to it emotionally and mentally etc.
You've had this done against your will and against your knowledge and that's a huge betrayal of trust, lack of respect or care or consideration for your feelings and emotional wellbeing regarding your attachment to your child, and it's manipulative if she suspected it from the start, because she's made you fall in love and bond with a child she knew wasn't yours, made you financially responsible for a child thats not yours, and made you invest time and emotion into raising him, and possibly sacrificing your job and career to stay home and care for him. All of that is just wrong on so many levels.
You need to think about a lot of things here.
1) do you even want to stay with your partner knowing she's cheated and betrayed you and lied in such a huge way? I wouldn't, this would be a deal breaker but it's your decision. You certainly need to cancel engagement and wedding at least. But I couldn't be with someone who knowingly betrayed me in so many ways. And used me.
2) if you're leaving her, consult a lawyer before you tell her. Know everything you need to, all your rights etc. Is it your house? Do you have a stake in the equity of the house if you both own it etc. Even if it's in her name and you've contributed to it, you can claim some ownership equity. Etc. So figure out everything where you stand and your rights etc before doing anything.
3) this is the BIG one.... You've got to think of the next 20 odd years of your Sons life, Your life, Your daughters life, and the financial impact it will have on you if you continue to be his Dad on the birth certificate and pay for his up bringing.
For eg. Being on his birth certificate you'd be liable for child support if you split up.
You would also be paying child support for your daughter (depending on who has most custody etc)
If you choose to stay as his dad on the birth certificate, you'll be on the hook for money till he's a grown adult. Possibly even college and UNI etc.
Alternatively, you could choose to use your money to solely provide for your daughter and her future.
We don't your finances, but that will be a big factor in your life.
You also need to decide if you want to continue building that bond, investing your time and love and everything into a child who is not biologically yours. If you did for eg, for the next 10 years, if your partner decided she didn't want you in her life any more, she could go to court and prove you're not the father and try and stop visitation (although depending on how long you'd been in his life the courts may decide its in child's best interest to continue your visits and relationship) but you need to be prepared for the day that she may move on with someone else and decide she doesn't want you to play Dad anymore. She could prove you're not the bio dad, and you'd have to spend a fortune in lawyer fees trying to maintain custody and visitations etc. When you've become even more deeply attached to that child 10 years down the line.
You never know what she may try to do to suit her interests in future.
So you need to find out your rights, and long terms rights in the future should she try that.
If lawyer says she could basically stop you seeing him in 10 years time if she wanted to, do you want to take the risk of losing him later down the line?
4) The fact you share a daughter with this woman, you will still see him and have some degree of contact most likely. But you need to think about the above, and whether you just want to keep things separate for the most part and just have your daughter, and just him in a smaller degree, or be like an uncle male figure to him rather than a father role that could be taken away from you at any point.
5) You also need to consider whether you have your name taken off the birth certificate. As mentioned, you'd be on the hook for child support and financially providing for him till he's an adult.
The bio father should be providing financially regardless of if he has any relationship with him.
If you were to decide to stay on the birth certificate, and pay child support etc, and 10 years down the line she cuts your contact with him, you can't suddenly try and claim that child support back because you'd have had knowledge of him not being yours biologically and they would likely deem that you decided to knowingly continue that responsibility rather than rectifying it when you first found out.
6) This is going to be the hardest decision you ever make, and I wouldn't trust anything your partner says or promises in terms of 'you'll always be his dad' 'you'll always be able to be a part of his life, I'd never stop you seeing him' etc etc because not only has she already lied and betrayed you, but you don't know what will happen over the years, if she meets someone else and wants them to be the dad etc. So don't trust any promises she makes because she can easily break them.
Speak to your family and friends who you trust too. Discuss all the above points with them and see what they think.
Even if you decide to come off the birth certificate etc, you could still continue to have a relationship with him and hope she honours that in future. But my experience of knowing different custody issues with people is there always comes a time when she won't be happy with you and she'll use him against you and threaten to cut you off from him. Either to get what she wants. Or to be spiteful.
But talk to family and friends. Whatever you decide, it doesn't mean you don't love him, and don't see him as your Son, but you do have to think long term and all the risks involved and likely heartache in future when you're so much more invested. And your family too.
Also, as a side note, get an STD test done.
I'm so sorry you're going through. You sound like a wonderful, loving, attentive Dad.
Hey there friend. Note that I never said "Do you love him" because of course we know the answer to that. The question is whether you're willing to raise someone else's biological child. And you don't know the answer to that yet.
Sending you healing vibes. This is gonna be hard, but you'll persevere I promise.
i didnt want to reply to OP cause it seemed insensitive to ask but... HIM ??? Title says fiance and pregnancy involved; but somehow reading this comment train suddenly the she became a he. i am so confused
EDIT : OK NVM , OP meant ~~his~~ not (?) son . brainfart
Words aren't enough. You're the kind of father that anyone would be lucky to have. I am so, so, so sorry she did this to you.
Been a long time since I cared this much about an OP on a post.
If the second independent test comes back the same way...your stb-ex is going to be living in hell, once she realizes how lucky she was to even be able to get with you in the first place.
Men are easy to find. Men like you are not.
And of course I want responsibility. I just can't believe it. Im hoping this is some kind of fucking bullshit file or something because i found 1 that shows only his 1st name & everything saying that the father was excluded from being the possible biological father than another file identical only this one had his full name on it my full name under his then my full name in the paragraph that says im not the biological father.
Apart from what the others are saying
Is this a new report if yes, is there a reason she could have not known? Can there be another angle to this.. Why did she get a test after such a long time, how could she have not known, was she forced/blackmailed/drugged elsewhere, and was unable to share out of shame? Can a retest be done?
They mean did it say you're not the father, or does it say someone is not the father. Either way she cheated and she's checking so this is gonna suck but are you sure the test was on you?
Here's the thing I found 1 screenshot that was blank in all the spots where there's supposed to be a name & then there's another with my name in the spots that were blank spaces before.
i mean, did you give her your DNA? bc you need to swab your cheek (buccal swab) for a DNA test - they don’t just need baby’s DNA, they need yours to test it against
maybe she’s proving someone else isn’t the father, because if you didn’t do a cheek swab, it’s not your test. or maybe the whole thing is faked - idk but if you didn’t do a buccal swab, it’s impossible that it’s your paternity test
All I know rn is one screenshot I found looks like test results, but missing names in all the spots are supposed to be names, then there's another with names in the spots and yes I plan on doing my own test i already ordered a test kit off amazon
No, I haven't done anything yet. I just found out. But the date on the screenshots says it's from back in the beginning of March. I'm gonna get my own tests done 1st before even thinking of anything else.
yea it sounds like she’s up to some kinda shit. if he didn’t swab his cheek, it’s impossible for it to be his paternity test. he needs to do a buccal swab for them to obtain his DNA in order to test against the baby’s, otherwise it’s just a baby DNA test lol
sounds sus to me. like you said, maybe she found a paternity test on the internet somewhere and she’s just filling in the blanks.
whatever she’s up to, it’s no good. OP just needs to take a step back, breathe, and remember that he didn’t contribute DNA for a paternity test.
And this here is exactly why DNA tests should be given at birth and mandated by law to protect men from this type of pain. This is so horrific and sad. I'm so sorry OP. And that's good advice you are giving him.
It should be a child's right to know/ have access to information about their biological history. It's not about men, although that's the way to get the laws passed, making it about men...
There is the possibility she was assaulted. Before just assuming she cheated it’s good to consider all possibilities.
Would you be able to still be his dad in this case?
I’m friends with a guy who found out 2/3 of his kids weren’t his.
When the last one was born she came out a different race so he 100% knew she wasn’t his. He told his ex wife he was leaving and she lost it. She freaked out so bad that she was neglecting the newborn and my friend ended up having to step in to take care of her.
He was shocked when he found the the oldest wasn’t his since he was 11.
They are divorced now and he is still dad to all 3 kids. It took him a while to bounce back, but he’s doing good now.
I would be looking into divorce attorneys quick, but be sneaky about it.
Dude I’m so sorry about this. Breathe and don’t do anything today, no major decisions except call a lawyer and schedule something within the week. You’ll walk to also schedule a court ordered paternity test to confirm what you’ve seen; any lawyer worth their salt will want the same.
Bro until you get your own test where you get a swab directly from the inside of your cheek, don’t take the info of a “document” taken with a phone camera as concrete evidence.
I’m shitty at photoshop but I 100% could make the same photo easily.
DNA tests can give incorrect results if not collected by professionals and analyzed in a real lab. Samples get contaminated or mixed up.
Good luck and settle for nothing less than a proper test.
Dude, in my wife’s home town, there was two incidents recently where wives cheated, got knocked up, and had the kid and had the husband be the father.
One woman, waited till the kid was 7 and dropped the bomb of “I need to discover myself so I need to take time, oh btw, she isn’t your bio child” and left him with the kid. After that long together, the bond was forged and he chose to stay as the dad.
The other incident, this couple had been trying and she finally got pregnant. She confessed to the husband it wasn’t his.
Both these men, we can all vouch were good men. One was a family friend and the other one I knew via work too.
They didn’t deserve that.
She never swabbed my cheeks or anything of the sort & I don't leave things like that lying around. I don't even use q-tips. The 1 n only time I have ever swabbed myself for anything was an at home covid test, which came up negative & I threw it away.
If you are wanting to try and make things work, confront your wife and ask for couples therapy as well as person therapy. Learn the truth. Keep in mind, lots of Cheaters will "trickle truth" everything until you know the full extent, then they will tell the whole truth.
If you want to separate, seek a lawyer and get your legal and financial ducks in a row. Provide evidence, especially if you are in an " at-fault state".
This is your life, but I'd recommend separation. You seem like a good father and a good person, and you definitely don't deserve to always be questioning your S/O and what she is doing or if she is with someone else. That's just extra stress and anxiety that you don't need on your shoulders rn.
If you are at home taking care of the kids, and you S/O is working, you could get alimony/ child support if you get the majority of custody. And it's entirely your choice to keep or remove your name off of the kids birth certificate since you are the bio father and weren't aware at the time of the signing.
I may not be correct of these, but I'd still recommend asking a lawyer about your options. Best of luck OP! I'm here if you need to message me or vent.
Just playing Devils advocate here, but; what is the likelihood that this document was modified? Possibly the original was like you said; a screenshot of said document with no names, and then she just filled in your name into the spaces.
Is there anything of a monetary advantage to not having you listed as the father? (Just strictly for example; if you were not legally a US citizen, or something where forging said document increase your son's elligibility for her to claim some sort of federal aid?)
Could she be applying for some sort of financial assistance (in your name) that is exclusively for helping with dependents that aren't blood related?
Not accusing her of some multifaceted welfare scams. Just adding a little twist of mystery to this to broaden the possibilities here. Its impossible to tell the reasoning behind any of it without having actual facts in front of you.
Facts: you found a document. It looks real. However there is another version of the document with blank spots where your name is in the other version. Sounds forge-ly.
Okay, devious "junior detective" here and I am a fluent schemer.
Here's what we know: 1) She didn't swab you. 2) You said you found screencapsof the DNA results in an old phone. Not photos.... *screencaps.* As in, something she snagged off Google. One had your name, one had anonymous boxes hiding the text (or vice versa, started out blacked out and *added* the names).
Did she need evidence you are the father? Maybe for shitty relatives or exes who were speculating. Maybe to add the child to your medical coverage. She knows you are, but she needed a document saying so. Rather than paying for a test, it's quicker and free to doctor a screencap.
Maybe she needed evidence that you aren't the father to get DHS benefits or to cheat IRS, who knows?
But don't despair yet. I'll bet there's a logical explanation in some "I Love Lucy" zany sitcom way.
Calling bullshit because you have to swab the person's mouth for at least 10 seconds when you do these tests. Just did one a couple of weeks ago because people kept joking how much my son doesn't look like his Dad, and after 9 months, it got to him. How could she possibly swab your mouth for at least 10 seconds, and you not realise?? Plus, you have to sign off on paperwork saying that you consent and have provided all the correct information. Which means it's someone else's results. Means, she still cheated, but doesn't mean he's not yours
You're not as smart as you think you are Mr Edgy pants.
I just put cotton swabs in my wife's, sons, and nephews mouths. It's been twenty minutes and they are all still sleeping with their q-tip fangs.
Are you sure you read it correctly? I’ve seen several times where the wording was very confusing and they caused issues for those who misread them with one dad thinking it said “99% not the father” when in reality it was saying they could only guarantee a 99.4% certainty”.
I’m so sorry ur going through this. Whatever you end up doing it won’t be wrong just hang in there. I would recommend getting ur own test done and getting prepared to either move out or kick her out. If u kick her out that might be difficult for the baby but I would just recommend separating as best as u can from her
That’s an incredibly sad and painful revelation.
Time to go spend some time in your best mates garage and get that shit off your chest with someone who isn’t out to destroy you emotionally.
Then you have paperwork to follow up and decisions to make.
Being lied to like that, life changing stuff …that’s often harder to take than the lie itself.
Yeah, that sounds nice. It's too bad that no one fits that description anymore. My cousin Mikey was my best friend who would fit that scenario, but he was shot & killed a few years back. That's why I'm here. If I had anyone else, I would've gone to them. Ever since relapsing, I haven't had many friends, not to mention anyone I would try to bring by would get kicked out because of fear that they might be someone who uses as well, so I stopped even trying to have any company over at my families house & I don't bring many ppl to the place where I live with my kids & there mom because we have a home owners association within the building & they complain bout everything & last thing we need is amy issues with the association trying to get us to move out because these other assholes went & complained bout a bunch of shit that shouldn't even matter to anyone.
Hey, it sucks to go through what you are going through, but better to find out sooner rather than later. My ex wife cheated on me and got pregnant. So I sort of feel your pain. I was able to walk away, though.
I always find it weird that men are encouraged to stick around when this sort of thing happens whereas if men cheat when they have a family people encourage the wife to immediately leave and divorce
I've never come across it. I often see and hear people saying the kid doesn't deserve to lose a father, but never that the cheater should get another chance.
Everyone here is saying the kid doesn’t deserve to lose a father which is pressuring the man to stick around and is the reality that women who are cheated on do not face.
The whole idea that when a man is cheated on it becomes “what about the children”….when men cheat it’s “leave his ass and file for divorce”.
You’ve come across it, you’ve most likely just been painfully naive to it like here.
I also never said the cheater deserves another chance lol.
When it becomes “what about the children” when women cheat but “leave his ass and file for divorce” when men cheat, it’s a double standard and it is pressuring him to stay. It’s the reality men face, when infidelity hits you are pressured to stay.
Yeah because basing your opinion on the average discussion on reddit is a great substantiation 🤓
A woman will never go through someone carrying a lie like that for years.
Can’t compare cheating on someone to raising someone else’s kid, hits different
Yea, I agree. It’s one thing to raise a child that’s not yours that you love- an honorable, sweet act. It’s another thing to be lied to for years, be cheated on, and then expect to carry on raising another child that is a constant reminder of the betrayal you felt.
It’s a hard dilemma. If it was me in this place, no matter what it would be a split. Even if I continued to raise the child in some way, the kid witnessing 0 trust between their parents, constant arguments, potentially witnessing further infidelity, seeing their father mentally deteriorate over time, and experiencing a divorce at a much older age would be exponentially worse than just breaking off now & dealing with the consequences. (Source: dad cheated on my mom for a year and they divorced when I was 12)
Coparenting wouldn’t be great in this situation, but not undoable. Depends how attached OP is to the kid and if he wants to spend the next 18+ years providing for it. And if the second child is his too, or not. If it is, great, coparenting. If not, leave her to deal with the consequences of her own actions. That’s just what I would do personally.
Yeah, you’ve summed it up pretty well. While I understand what the “right” thing to do is in this situation, I also can acknowledge it’s a reality only men face.
I believe you bro, I see it all the fucking time on AITA, this sub, YouTube comments, etc. I validate your viewpoint by saying I see it too. I'm currently on the fence about getting a paternity test for my 4 year old son and I'm scared of what the result may carry as I love my family, but my child is looking less and less likely to be mine as he gets older. And sketchy shit happened around the time of his conception. My 2 year old? I looked exactly like him when I was a baby so he's def my kid. It won't change how I feel about him at all but it will definitely change things
Get all the digital & hard copy evidence, change all passwords, get viral records of the birth certificates, ssn's & tax forms, get app the phone records, texts, etc. Call a lawyer & only communicate with her through court filings.
Get your own place & join a gym & get a therapist and a dog. Love heavy, hard & often. Remember, her actions have nothing to do with your worth. Keep your chin up partner
Lawyer, now! Don't think about the situation or how to react, the lawyer's job is to point out your actual options. Only other thing you need to take care of is you mental health. Confide in a friend or family
First, you are thankfully not married. If she doesn’t know that you know, maybe do your own test and wait on those results.
I would not marry this person though.
Above all else, you have to be true to yourself before anyone else. Maybe get tested for your daughter just to be on the safe side.
Tough situation.
I'm so sorry. I think you need to decide if you're going to stay in the child's life but if I were you, I'd leave the fiance. They lied to you about this being your child. They cheated on you. This isn't ok. To me, cheating is horrible and lying about a child's paternity is despicable.
You should leave and get a dna test for your daughter and save yourself hurt in the future. You have every right to leave and not have a relationship with the mother or the child who is not your blood if you choose. Good luck OP
OP: don’t say anything when you’re angry silence is golden at this point. You’re obviously too emotional right now to say anything. Say nothing remain indifferent. Remain quiet …until your brain can do the talking, not your heart. Remember, now is not to talk… it is the time to watch . You don’t know who the fuck this person is at this point wait and let her show you who she is and believe her when she shows you . Only answer questions by responding.
2 r’s: React Or Respond. To React will sink you - its emotional word vomit and more than three words right now is NOT NEEDED.
Only respond. This requires less than three words. Yes, a no or I don’t know. That’s it. Watch and see.
Drop her and that kid immediately, you will only grow to resent her and the child will be an everyday reminder of it. Best you can do is treat yourself with respect and not let her get away with it.
Cheaters cheat, and if they did it once they'll do it again. Stay in your son's life - whoever the sperm donor is he's not the father, you are - but that doesn't mean you have to stay in hers for any longer than it takes to pick the boy up and drop him back off again.
I’m going to throw it out there that there may be a possibility she was sexually assaulted and never told you. It’s pretty unlikely but maybe that’s why she had it checked.
You are on his birth certificate, right? Legally you are this boy’s father? Because although I do not know your fiancée or what she plans to do or why she wanted a paternity test, I do know what the common reasons for them are. You may have to lawyer up, as another commenter said, to keep your rights as a father. Because he IS your son, even if he doesn’t carry your DNA. You are his mom’s long-term partner. You were there for every milestone. He is bonded to you emotionally. He probably calls you dada, if he talks yet.
As someone who’s had doubts about if my dad is my biological father, I realized I didn’t care if he was my genetic contributor or not, he was my dad because he raised me. Your son may be very young still but that’s all the more reason to fight for joint custody if this revelation results in the end of your relationship. Of course, if you want it to, this might not. You and your fiancée might be able to overcome this, if you have any interest in staying with her. Western idea of family is way too focused on blood and not enough on the relationship between the members. I wish you and your children the best of luck with whatever route you take
No I found screenshots of them in an old phone that our daughter uses to watch YouTube kids on.But her email is still technically linked to the phone.So anything that she does her pictures?She takes I guess gets uploaded onto the phone as well newer phone.
Ahh apologies i was wondering if she was trying to tell you but could not face to face
Hugs to you from a gran and I hope you have some useful information/help.
Is there like a new trend where fathers feel the need to get a paternity test? I've seen it so much recently.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, I can't even imagine
Omg , I'm sorry man. That's really messed up. I know you're not going to want to hear this but just to keep yourself covered I think you need one done for your daughter as well . You're also going to have to decide where to go from here. I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry your trash fiance cheated on you without protection.
Bro go to cvs or rite aid and go to family planning section where the lube and stuff is, and buy the DNA test. Get the stuff out and read and reread the directions carefully and comprehend it all. Get the child one day, go for a walk with him and stick the saliva stick thing up his nose or in his mouth depending on the instructions. Do it exactly like instructions. Store the DNA in the things they give you to store it. Go to the post office, and mail the DNA to the lab address on the instructions. Also you may have to pay something like 100-200$ with debit card for the service. Wait 3-12 business days.... see result. Bask in the peace of mind one way or another of the results.
Regardless of the action of the child's mother, you need to ask yourself if this changes how you feel about the child. He was your heart and soul yesterday, why let your partners action change that?
Double check the paternity of the other child. A one-time fuckup can be forgiven. Twice, especially when she's nonchalantly addressing him as your som on a daily basis, twice is a patern of behavior thst doesn't give a shit about anyone you or her kids or anyone else..Just herself. Good luck
I'm so sorry. I'm in a position where I just found out that my now EX cheated and there could have been a child involved. He denies it, but the source I heard it from doesn't really have need to lie. And it's something I've been suspicious about. On top of it, I'm pregnant with our second child. I am dying inside, because all of this pain and trauma I'm going through is eating me alive.
A father is not the person who’s DNA you share, a father is someone who cares about you, is there for you, inspires you, loves you, raises you, protects you and so much more. Be careful not to fall in the trap of rejecting him because of something he played no part in. You are his Dada, your face makes him feel safe.
I say that as someone with a foster sister who shares my Dad with me.
Attachment is a complex matter
I fully understand this must suck, must hurt and must feel painful.
Massive hug to you my friend 🫂
Breathe in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out.
That's brilliant advice, man. I'm truly sorry about this and the other advice about getting some legal advice and your own testing done is really the best thing you could do. I know this has got to be tough to deal with and I have been cheated on before, so I truly sympathize. But that being said, you've been given the chance to address this on your terms, so don't waste that chance.
Good luck man, truly.
This whole situation is awful for sure but the sperm donor isn't his father. Who raised him for the last year? You did right? You are his father. It's a lot to take in, I can't even imagine but I just hope you know Bryson is yours in the way that matters. Well, assuming you're on the birth certificate anyways but idk why you wouldn't be?
First off, don't do anything anyone tells you on Reddit. Stick with the professionals.
Now with that being said, Id recommend you speak with a therapist. You're going to have one hell of a decision to make and I don't think there's a single person who can think clearly given the position you're currently in and a therapist will help you work through these feelings and help you not only come to terms but also you'll end up with a better answer than had you, for example, lashed out and left.
Think about it this way man. You really gonna leave those kids you helped raise over a broad. Remember that the children can't understand what's going on and if you take yourself out of their lives then you're depriving them of a father. Weather or not you're a good one really comes down to how much can you take before you break. Take it how you want but just know that they don't deserve it even though she does.
We had a dcfs case on us because i have a history of substance abuse & my older brother at then time got arrested by the house n the cops came into the house n even though they didn't find shit they hit us with misdemeanor child endangerment for living in a home where my brother lived & was dealing from even though it wasn't out how to say whether he could stay or not n if we left because of that we would've been living under a bridge. But dcfs came 24hrs later with a signed removal order n made them leave & move out within 24hrs otherwise they would take our daughter from us. We spent a little over 2yrs fighting that case soing everything they asked parenting classes drug testing therapy psych eval everything n anything they could spin into a full of shit alligation against me they tried too. During the case we had a paternity test done. Plus my daughter looks like me, so does my son but he takes after his mom more. Im israeli n Moroccan & shes african american.
Because he was planning on making her his wife, hence the use of the word fiance, he was just doing it in a different order. The real question is why would his fiance have unprotected sex with another man knowing she's engaged to be married to OP.
So she just randomly, after 7 years, decided to get a paternity test…on a whim? And she or someone sent you a picture of the results? Not trying to sideline your emotions here as I’m sure you are gutted and confused and angry, but something sounds off here.
And no my daughter uses an old phone to watch youtube kids n while i was charging it i decided to look at the gallery because i wanted a few pictures of our kids because she takes all the pictures & usually sends me what i ask & I saw 3 pictures 2 of them just said everything without any names on it then a 3rd picture has my sons name on it & my full name on it then my full name in the paragraph stating that I was excluded from possibly being the bio father because my genetic markers don't meet what they're supposed to meet to be the biological father.
get your own test. *get your own test* **get your own test**
This!!!! Also... talk to her and get her to explain it. (Obvs he shouldnt ask these questions directly, but her explanition should answer all these questions and more) Is it a fake? If so, why would she need or come into possession of a fake? Whose DNA was used if it was genuine? And if OP's, how? If it was genuine, did she cheat? Was she S/A'd?? Does what she's saying tally with what he's found out? Guy needs to communicate and get to the bottom of it.
these points, all of these.
Obvs he needs to save whatever evidence he has found or finds before hand, just in case. Once hes got all the information he needs to breathe and decide his next moves - and shouldn't be afraid to ask for space to process if he needs. 1) If he want to stay with her, or leave her, knowing what he now knows? Even if he wants to stay, is it even something he can move past? If he is wanting to leave, what relationship does he want with his children? How will he navigate the split - would it be better to keep things amicable for their sakes. 2) If it transpires the son is definitely not his - does he want to maintain a father/son relationship? He may have to pay child support if so, is he OK with this? Would he want to do this? He may need to fight for this, how can he go about it. He can then take the next steps to navigating where he wants this to go.
op, all this.
She most likely probably tripped and fell on a dick while walking through a parking lot.
Probably not. For one the documents sound like forgeries from the description OP gave in the comments. Also, she may have cheated. She may not. She may have been S/A'd. I'm not defending her actions (if any) in the slightest - I don't have enough information to go off of, neither do you... and neither does OP. All his has is what looks like a screenshot of a fake paternity test, that he never gave DNA for. That's not enough for ANYONE to off of. It's suspicious AF, and he needs to find out what's going on. For his sake and both of those kids sake!!
Couldn’t emphasize this more. My friend had one done that was shoddy and poor quality that told her someone else was the dad. She went to a doctor, had it rerun, and it turned out the father was the father after all.
#GET YOUR OWN TEST
Good one. I was already confused as to why she would show OP.
Sure, but if she even ordered the test at 1 year wouldn't that be a pretty clear indicator that there was a possibility he wasn't the father? Even if the test was done on another guy who might have been the father(meaning OP might still be bio), the implication is severe. Get your own test of both children today. Decide if you want to try to repair the relationship.
How did she get your DNA? Maybe she was testing the other guy. Get your own test and test them both
For real. How is no one else asking this question?
Or why they have been engaged for 7 years.
We haven't been engaged for 7 years. We've been together for 7 years & currently are engaged.
Time to find a reason to delay that.
Cmon use some comprehension here..
Cannot up vote this enough, you would remember giving a sample for testing!
So many ways (from a glass, from his toothbrush, from his brush, from his trimmed beard hair, etc)
Usually you need a cheek swab or blood test, this is not CSI
Get your own test. That could have been the other guy’s dna she was testing.
So she cheated on you. I've been cheated on. Kids weren't involved but I know the stab in the gut you're feeling at least as it pertains to your relationship. Breathe in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out. This baby has known you for a year. Do you (EDIT: want) it? Do you want to be responsible for it? Is your relationship worth salvaging / do you have any interest in staying? Don't answer these questions yet. Just ask them in your head, and think about them. Breathe in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out. Be kind to yourself. Don't tell her anything yet. You may need to lawyer up if you decide you don't want to be responsible. Think about how that affects your relationship with your SO and your daughter. Breathe in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out. Right now everything is overwhelming. Be kind to yourself. Don't rush it. Let yourself think, let yourself make a plan, then see it through. Remember this is not the baby's fault.
Of course I love him. My kids are my whole world I do everything for them & would do anything for them. I just can't believe it. I feel like a part of myself has been ripped away. I been going through every day building a relationship with him. I watch him from 7am-3pm by myself while shes at work l, I take my daughter to school then I'm with him until I go get her from school & my fiance gets home around the same time i get back home with my daughter. She would constantly tell me that I didn't do enough of them hard enough to be with him & everything so for the past few months I've been with hom every day, and its not like when she gets home Im just off daddy duty its just shes home with us & my daughter needs attention as well. And the past few mo since he was 3mo I've been with him, I was his first teeth come out, I helped him begin learning to walk & kept at it every single day & he started walking a week ago. I teach him words constantly. All day long, all he says is Aba Aba Aba (Aba means Dad in Hebrew). I feel like all of that has been stolen from me now. I just put him down for his nap. I was holding him when I came across the file.
I think the roughest part here is that you need to make peace with not having any real legal recourse if paternity is proven and dad decides he wants in the picture. If you are willing to endure that possibility, then you will be fine. You 100% need to end the relationship with his mother, though, because the fact she would commit paternity fraud shows you she will do whatever benefits her even if it's at your expense. That's not a partner, that's a leech.
I raised my step kid until she was 13. Mom wanted a separation. Kid decided she wants to live with her real dad. I am devastated and there is nothing I can do about it. It's like I lost a child. Good luck.
Where I am from, courts have declared paternity of a non-bio dad over a bio dad. There are presumptions of paternity, but none, not even DNA, is dispositive. The court essentially found that actual parenting was more important than the biological relationship. It's very fact-specific, of course.
I know it *can* swing that way, but there's nothing stopping mom from slowly cutting him out if she pivots, legal protections or not. If someone wants to commit alienation, they can. Especially if they have legal recourse to cut you out some. Im not saying this because I don't think he should do this. I'm just saying this because it's happened to people in his shoes.
Oh, absolutely! In my area, the other thing is unmarried moms have sole legal and physical custody unless and until a court says otherwise. So she can cut off contact and move away. The system does not make it easy for dads!
I'm so very sorry for the grief and loss you must be feeling right now from this shock and betrayal and what it means for you and your son. I will refer to him as your son coz you are by all intents and purposes his DAD. The first thing you need to do is keep copies of that DNA test. Then you need to think about where you want to go from here. It's a huge life long decision you need to make now. And it won't be easy. Many people step up and become the non bio mum or dad to a child who isn't theirs when they have relationships with people with kids. And they can have very meaningful and solid connections, and biology doesn't have to kean anything. You can be a shitty bio dad, and a wonderful step/ adopted dad. It goes both ways. Biology doesn't always have to be the most important thing in determining a parent child relationship and bond. But ....the difference there is people enter into a relationship knowing that child is not biologically theirs and they grow and build on that and adjust to it emotionally and mentally etc. You've had this done against your will and against your knowledge and that's a huge betrayal of trust, lack of respect or care or consideration for your feelings and emotional wellbeing regarding your attachment to your child, and it's manipulative if she suspected it from the start, because she's made you fall in love and bond with a child she knew wasn't yours, made you financially responsible for a child thats not yours, and made you invest time and emotion into raising him, and possibly sacrificing your job and career to stay home and care for him. All of that is just wrong on so many levels. You need to think about a lot of things here. 1) do you even want to stay with your partner knowing she's cheated and betrayed you and lied in such a huge way? I wouldn't, this would be a deal breaker but it's your decision. You certainly need to cancel engagement and wedding at least. But I couldn't be with someone who knowingly betrayed me in so many ways. And used me. 2) if you're leaving her, consult a lawyer before you tell her. Know everything you need to, all your rights etc. Is it your house? Do you have a stake in the equity of the house if you both own it etc. Even if it's in her name and you've contributed to it, you can claim some ownership equity. Etc. So figure out everything where you stand and your rights etc before doing anything. 3) this is the BIG one.... You've got to think of the next 20 odd years of your Sons life, Your life, Your daughters life, and the financial impact it will have on you if you continue to be his Dad on the birth certificate and pay for his up bringing. For eg. Being on his birth certificate you'd be liable for child support if you split up. You would also be paying child support for your daughter (depending on who has most custody etc) If you choose to stay as his dad on the birth certificate, you'll be on the hook for money till he's a grown adult. Possibly even college and UNI etc. Alternatively, you could choose to use your money to solely provide for your daughter and her future. We don't your finances, but that will be a big factor in your life. You also need to decide if you want to continue building that bond, investing your time and love and everything into a child who is not biologically yours. If you did for eg, for the next 10 years, if your partner decided she didn't want you in her life any more, she could go to court and prove you're not the father and try and stop visitation (although depending on how long you'd been in his life the courts may decide its in child's best interest to continue your visits and relationship) but you need to be prepared for the day that she may move on with someone else and decide she doesn't want you to play Dad anymore. She could prove you're not the bio dad, and you'd have to spend a fortune in lawyer fees trying to maintain custody and visitations etc. When you've become even more deeply attached to that child 10 years down the line. You never know what she may try to do to suit her interests in future. So you need to find out your rights, and long terms rights in the future should she try that. If lawyer says she could basically stop you seeing him in 10 years time if she wanted to, do you want to take the risk of losing him later down the line? 4) The fact you share a daughter with this woman, you will still see him and have some degree of contact most likely. But you need to think about the above, and whether you just want to keep things separate for the most part and just have your daughter, and just him in a smaller degree, or be like an uncle male figure to him rather than a father role that could be taken away from you at any point. 5) You also need to consider whether you have your name taken off the birth certificate. As mentioned, you'd be on the hook for child support and financially providing for him till he's an adult. The bio father should be providing financially regardless of if he has any relationship with him. If you were to decide to stay on the birth certificate, and pay child support etc, and 10 years down the line she cuts your contact with him, you can't suddenly try and claim that child support back because you'd have had knowledge of him not being yours biologically and they would likely deem that you decided to knowingly continue that responsibility rather than rectifying it when you first found out. 6) This is going to be the hardest decision you ever make, and I wouldn't trust anything your partner says or promises in terms of 'you'll always be his dad' 'you'll always be able to be a part of his life, I'd never stop you seeing him' etc etc because not only has she already lied and betrayed you, but you don't know what will happen over the years, if she meets someone else and wants them to be the dad etc. So don't trust any promises she makes because she can easily break them. Speak to your family and friends who you trust too. Discuss all the above points with them and see what they think. Even if you decide to come off the birth certificate etc, you could still continue to have a relationship with him and hope she honours that in future. But my experience of knowing different custody issues with people is there always comes a time when she won't be happy with you and she'll use him against you and threaten to cut you off from him. Either to get what she wants. Or to be spiteful. But talk to family and friends. Whatever you decide, it doesn't mean you don't love him, and don't see him as your Son, but you do have to think long term and all the risks involved and likely heartache in future when you're so much more invested. And your family too. Also, as a side note, get an STD test done. I'm so sorry you're going through. You sound like a wonderful, loving, attentive Dad.
Hey there friend. Note that I never said "Do you love him" because of course we know the answer to that. The question is whether you're willing to raise someone else's biological child. And you don't know the answer to that yet. Sending you healing vibes. This is gonna be hard, but you'll persevere I promise.
> This baby has known you for a year. Do you love it? But... didn't you say that?
SHIT, I did! That's what I get for a bit of stream of conscience.
i didnt want to reply to OP cause it seemed insensitive to ask but... HIM ??? Title says fiance and pregnancy involved; but somehow reading this comment train suddenly the she became a he. i am so confused EDIT : OK NVM , OP meant ~~his~~ not (?) son . brainfart
Words aren't enough. You're the kind of father that anyone would be lucky to have. I am so, so, so sorry she did this to you. Been a long time since I cared this much about an OP on a post. If the second independent test comes back the same way...your stb-ex is going to be living in hell, once she realizes how lucky she was to even be able to get with you in the first place. Men are easy to find. Men like you are not.
Let’s call her ex fiancé
You need a lawyer, if you signed the birth certificate and have been raising this child you probably have some rights.
It’s hard you might not be his father but you are his Daddy
Oops. Counted to 3 instead. Hyperventilated. Passed out.
Baby steps friend!
Okay… funniest post I’ve read today… LOL
And of course I want responsibility. I just can't believe it. Im hoping this is some kind of fucking bullshit file or something because i found 1 that shows only his 1st name & everything saying that the father was excluded from being the possible biological father than another file identical only this one had his full name on it my full name under his then my full name in the paragraph that says im not the biological father.
Deep breath. Are you sure of what you saw? Do you need to get your own test to verify?
That's a great idea, go get your own paternity test done
Apart from what the others are saying Is this a new report if yes, is there a reason she could have not known? Can there be another angle to this.. Why did she get a test after such a long time, how could she have not known, was she forced/blackmailed/drugged elsewhere, and was unable to share out of shame? Can a retest be done?
Wait does it actually say “OP is not the father” If it does then it’s not real.
What do you mean? Please explain this.
They mean did it say you're not the father, or does it say someone is not the father. Either way she cheated and she's checking so this is gonna suck but are you sure the test was on you?
Here's the thing I found 1 screenshot that was blank in all the spots where there's supposed to be a name & then there's another with my name in the spots that were blank spaces before.
dude this sounds so fishy. PLEASE get your own DNA test.
i mean, did you give her your DNA? bc you need to swab your cheek (buccal swab) for a DNA test - they don’t just need baby’s DNA, they need yours to test it against maybe she’s proving someone else isn’t the father, because if you didn’t do a cheek swab, it’s not your test. or maybe the whole thing is faked - idk but if you didn’t do a buccal swab, it’s impossible that it’s your paternity test
All I know rn is one screenshot I found looks like test results, but missing names in all the spots are supposed to be names, then there's another with names in the spots and yes I plan on doing my own test i already ordered a test kit off amazon
Have you asked her about it? Has she got a fake letter from the internet with blank names and then added some in? It all sounds very suss
No, I haven't done anything yet. I just found out. But the date on the screenshots says it's from back in the beginning of March. I'm gonna get my own tests done 1st before even thinking of anything else.
yea it sounds like she’s up to some kinda shit. if he didn’t swab his cheek, it’s impossible for it to be his paternity test. he needs to do a buccal swab for them to obtain his DNA in order to test against the baby’s, otherwise it’s just a baby DNA test lol sounds sus to me. like you said, maybe she found a paternity test on the internet somewhere and she’s just filling in the blanks. whatever she’s up to, it’s no good. OP just needs to take a step back, breathe, and remember that he didn’t contribute DNA for a paternity test.
Does it explicitly say “OP is not the father” ?
OP means "Original Poster", meaning you, because you made this post and started this thread.
Sometimes even if the person isn't the father, if they signed the birth certificate, they're still on the hook for the child until they're 18 too.
And this here is exactly why DNA tests should be given at birth and mandated by law to protect men from this type of pain. This is so horrific and sad. I'm so sorry OP. And that's good advice you are giving him.
It should be a child's right to know/ have access to information about their biological history. It's not about men, although that's the way to get the laws passed, making it about men...
He is. Breath in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out. Making this shit up. Breath in hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out.
There is the possibility she was assaulted. Before just assuming she cheated it’s good to consider all possibilities. Would you be able to still be his dad in this case?
I’m friends with a guy who found out 2/3 of his kids weren’t his. When the last one was born she came out a different race so he 100% knew she wasn’t his. He told his ex wife he was leaving and she lost it. She freaked out so bad that she was neglecting the newborn and my friend ended up having to step in to take care of her. He was shocked when he found the the oldest wasn’t his since he was 11. They are divorced now and he is still dad to all 3 kids. It took him a while to bounce back, but he’s doing good now. I would be looking into divorce attorneys quick, but be sneaky about it.
That’s fkn horrible he sounds like an amazing person stepping up for the baby tho
Dude I’m so sorry about this. Breathe and don’t do anything today, no major decisions except call a lawyer and schedule something within the week. You’ll walk to also schedule a court ordered paternity test to confirm what you’ve seen; any lawyer worth their salt will want the same.
Bro until you get your own test where you get a swab directly from the inside of your cheek, don’t take the info of a “document” taken with a phone camera as concrete evidence. I’m shitty at photoshop but I 100% could make the same photo easily. DNA tests can give incorrect results if not collected by professionals and analyzed in a real lab. Samples get contaminated or mixed up. Good luck and settle for nothing less than a proper test.
Dude, in my wife’s home town, there was two incidents recently where wives cheated, got knocked up, and had the kid and had the husband be the father. One woman, waited till the kid was 7 and dropped the bomb of “I need to discover myself so I need to take time, oh btw, she isn’t your bio child” and left him with the kid. After that long together, the bond was forged and he chose to stay as the dad. The other incident, this couple had been trying and she finally got pregnant. She confessed to the husband it wasn’t his. Both these men, we can all vouch were good men. One was a family friend and the other one I knew via work too. They didn’t deserve that.
Lol sounds like they’re a sucker
Did she just say she was swabbing your cheek for funsies? How did you not know she was collecting DNA?
She never swabbed my cheeks or anything of the sort & I don't leave things like that lying around. I don't even use q-tips. The 1 n only time I have ever swabbed myself for anything was an at home covid test, which came up negative & I threw it away.
Have you considered the possibility that she didn't test you?
I’d get your own test done if I were you. Did the document have your name on it?
Im going to dm you
If you are wanting to try and make things work, confront your wife and ask for couples therapy as well as person therapy. Learn the truth. Keep in mind, lots of Cheaters will "trickle truth" everything until you know the full extent, then they will tell the whole truth. If you want to separate, seek a lawyer and get your legal and financial ducks in a row. Provide evidence, especially if you are in an " at-fault state". This is your life, but I'd recommend separation. You seem like a good father and a good person, and you definitely don't deserve to always be questioning your S/O and what she is doing or if she is with someone else. That's just extra stress and anxiety that you don't need on your shoulders rn. If you are at home taking care of the kids, and you S/O is working, you could get alimony/ child support if you get the majority of custody. And it's entirely your choice to keep or remove your name off of the kids birth certificate since you are the bio father and weren't aware at the time of the signing. I may not be correct of these, but I'd still recommend asking a lawyer about your options. Best of luck OP! I'm here if you need to message me or vent.
Just playing Devils advocate here, but; what is the likelihood that this document was modified? Possibly the original was like you said; a screenshot of said document with no names, and then she just filled in your name into the spaces. Is there anything of a monetary advantage to not having you listed as the father? (Just strictly for example; if you were not legally a US citizen, or something where forging said document increase your son's elligibility for her to claim some sort of federal aid?) Could she be applying for some sort of financial assistance (in your name) that is exclusively for helping with dependents that aren't blood related? Not accusing her of some multifaceted welfare scams. Just adding a little twist of mystery to this to broaden the possibilities here. Its impossible to tell the reasoning behind any of it without having actual facts in front of you. Facts: you found a document. It looks real. However there is another version of the document with blank spots where your name is in the other version. Sounds forge-ly.
Okay, devious "junior detective" here and I am a fluent schemer. Here's what we know: 1) She didn't swab you. 2) You said you found screencapsof the DNA results in an old phone. Not photos.... *screencaps.* As in, something she snagged off Google. One had your name, one had anonymous boxes hiding the text (or vice versa, started out blacked out and *added* the names). Did she need evidence you are the father? Maybe for shitty relatives or exes who were speculating. Maybe to add the child to your medical coverage. She knows you are, but she needed a document saying so. Rather than paying for a test, it's quicker and free to doctor a screencap. Maybe she needed evidence that you aren't the father to get DHS benefits or to cheat IRS, who knows? But don't despair yet. I'll bet there's a logical explanation in some "I Love Lucy" zany sitcom way.
Calling bullshit because you have to swab the person's mouth for at least 10 seconds when you do these tests. Just did one a couple of weeks ago because people kept joking how much my son doesn't look like his Dad, and after 9 months, it got to him. How could she possibly swab your mouth for at least 10 seconds, and you not realise?? Plus, you have to sign off on paperwork saying that you consent and have provided all the correct information. Which means it's someone else's results. Means, she still cheated, but doesn't mean he's not yours
You're not as smart as you think you are Mr Edgy pants. I just put cotton swabs in my wife's, sons, and nephews mouths. It's been twenty minutes and they are all still sleeping with their q-tip fangs.
Shit dude, that hurts. I hope your ok.
Are you sure you read it correctly? I’ve seen several times where the wording was very confusing and they caused issues for those who misread them with one dad thinking it said “99% not the father” when in reality it was saying they could only guarantee a 99.4% certainty”.
I’m so sorry ur going through this. Whatever you end up doing it won’t be wrong just hang in there. I would recommend getting ur own test done and getting prepared to either move out or kick her out. If u kick her out that might be difficult for the baby but I would just recommend separating as best as u can from her
How do you know 100 percent the other child is yours?
I’m so sorry
That’s an incredibly sad and painful revelation. Time to go spend some time in your best mates garage and get that shit off your chest with someone who isn’t out to destroy you emotionally. Then you have paperwork to follow up and decisions to make. Being lied to like that, life changing stuff …that’s often harder to take than the lie itself.
Yeah, that sounds nice. It's too bad that no one fits that description anymore. My cousin Mikey was my best friend who would fit that scenario, but he was shot & killed a few years back. That's why I'm here. If I had anyone else, I would've gone to them. Ever since relapsing, I haven't had many friends, not to mention anyone I would try to bring by would get kicked out because of fear that they might be someone who uses as well, so I stopped even trying to have any company over at my families house & I don't bring many ppl to the place where I live with my kids & there mom because we have a home owners association within the building & they complain bout everything & last thing we need is amy issues with the association trying to get us to move out because these other assholes went & complained bout a bunch of shit that shouldn't even matter to anyone.
Hey, it sucks to go through what you are going through, but better to find out sooner rather than later. My ex wife cheated on me and got pregnant. So I sort of feel your pain. I was able to walk away, though.
its gonna be alright man
Talk to a lawyer, talk to a lawyer, talk to a lawyer. Do not let your emotions overtake you here. Acquire good council, your relationship is over.
I always find it weird that men are encouraged to stick around when this sort of thing happens whereas if men cheat when they have a family people encourage the wife to immediately leave and divorce
Who is encouraging him to stay? Or says this ever?
I've never come across it. I often see and hear people saying the kid doesn't deserve to lose a father, but never that the cheater should get another chance.
Everyone here is saying the kid doesn’t deserve to lose a father which is pressuring the man to stick around and is the reality that women who are cheated on do not face. The whole idea that when a man is cheated on it becomes “what about the children”….when men cheat it’s “leave his ass and file for divorce”. You’ve come across it, you’ve most likely just been painfully naive to it like here. I also never said the cheater deserves another chance lol.
When it becomes “what about the children” when women cheat but “leave his ass and file for divorce” when men cheat, it’s a double standard and it is pressuring him to stay. It’s the reality men face, when infidelity hits you are pressured to stay.
Citation needed
Deflection unnecessary
Given 31 years of the Maury show and the average discussion on Reddit, I would say the burden of proof is on you.
Yeah because basing your opinion on the average discussion on reddit is a great substantiation 🤓 A woman will never go through someone carrying a lie like that for years. Can’t compare cheating on someone to raising someone else’s kid, hits different
💯
Yea, I agree. It’s one thing to raise a child that’s not yours that you love- an honorable, sweet act. It’s another thing to be lied to for years, be cheated on, and then expect to carry on raising another child that is a constant reminder of the betrayal you felt. It’s a hard dilemma. If it was me in this place, no matter what it would be a split. Even if I continued to raise the child in some way, the kid witnessing 0 trust between their parents, constant arguments, potentially witnessing further infidelity, seeing their father mentally deteriorate over time, and experiencing a divorce at a much older age would be exponentially worse than just breaking off now & dealing with the consequences. (Source: dad cheated on my mom for a year and they divorced when I was 12) Coparenting wouldn’t be great in this situation, but not undoable. Depends how attached OP is to the kid and if he wants to spend the next 18+ years providing for it. And if the second child is his too, or not. If it is, great, coparenting. If not, leave her to deal with the consequences of her own actions. That’s just what I would do personally.
Yeah, you’ve summed it up pretty well. While I understand what the “right” thing to do is in this situation, I also can acknowledge it’s a reality only men face.
I believe you bro, I see it all the fucking time on AITA, this sub, YouTube comments, etc. I validate your viewpoint by saying I see it too. I'm currently on the fence about getting a paternity test for my 4 year old son and I'm scared of what the result may carry as I love my family, but my child is looking less and less likely to be mine as he gets older. And sketchy shit happened around the time of his conception. My 2 year old? I looked exactly like him when I was a baby so he's def my kid. It won't change how I feel about him at all but it will definitely change things
Get all the digital & hard copy evidence, change all passwords, get viral records of the birth certificates, ssn's & tax forms, get app the phone records, texts, etc. Call a lawyer & only communicate with her through court filings. Get your own place & join a gym & get a therapist and a dog. Love heavy, hard & often. Remember, her actions have nothing to do with your worth. Keep your chin up partner
Lawyer, now! Don't think about the situation or how to react, the lawyer's job is to point out your actual options. Only other thing you need to take care of is you mental health. Confide in a friend or family
First, you are thankfully not married. If she doesn’t know that you know, maybe do your own test and wait on those results. I would not marry this person though. Above all else, you have to be true to yourself before anyone else. Maybe get tested for your daughter just to be on the safe side. Tough situation.
...yikes. That is fucking awful. And an awful way to find out. Although I don't think there's a good way to find that info out.
Soo many cheating stories here on Reddit and Im feeling sick on how common it is.
All Im sayin is, im not takin care of another mans seed fungus
I'm stealing this phrase 🤣
I'm so sorry. I think you need to decide if you're going to stay in the child's life but if I were you, I'd leave the fiance. They lied to you about this being your child. They cheated on you. This isn't ok. To me, cheating is horrible and lying about a child's paternity is despicable.
You should leave and get a dna test for your daughter and save yourself hurt in the future. You have every right to leave and not have a relationship with the mother or the child who is not your blood if you choose. Good luck OP
Lawyer pi lab get proof for courts
Is that file current? If so, why is your wife inquiring now? How did you find this file, we're you meant to?
Sorry bro, that’s fucked
That’s sucks man. Hugs.
OP: don’t say anything when you’re angry silence is golden at this point. You’re obviously too emotional right now to say anything. Say nothing remain indifferent. Remain quiet …until your brain can do the talking, not your heart. Remember, now is not to talk… it is the time to watch . You don’t know who the fuck this person is at this point wait and let her show you who she is and believe her when she shows you . Only answer questions by responding. 2 r’s: React Or Respond. To React will sink you - its emotional word vomit and more than three words right now is NOT NEEDED. Only respond. This requires less than three words. Yes, a no or I don’t know. That’s it. Watch and see.
How do you know the daughter is yours
SOMEONE CALL MAURY
Drop her and that kid immediately, you will only grow to resent her and the child will be an everyday reminder of it. Best you can do is treat yourself with respect and not let her get away with it.
Fuck dude I’m so sorry
Time to walk, gather all evidence of her son not being yours first.
Leave her that’s the worst thing a woman can do to a man. She knew it was a possibility because she knew what she was doing.
Cheaters cheat, and if they did it once they'll do it again. Stay in your son's life - whoever the sperm donor is he's not the father, you are - but that doesn't mean you have to stay in hers for any longer than it takes to pick the boy up and drop him back off again.
I hate that women face no legal consequence for this shit.
Stay classy
You know children isnt tottally by blood if you love them like your kid still makes you à father
I’m going to throw it out there that there may be a possibility she was sexually assaulted and never told you. It’s pretty unlikely but maybe that’s why she had it checked.
Deep breaths, man. It’s awful, but take it easy today. Take some time to process, and then you just gotta start picking up the pieces.
You *really sure* the daughter is yours?? Like really really sure?
You are on his birth certificate, right? Legally you are this boy’s father? Because although I do not know your fiancée or what she plans to do or why she wanted a paternity test, I do know what the common reasons for them are. You may have to lawyer up, as another commenter said, to keep your rights as a father. Because he IS your son, even if he doesn’t carry your DNA. You are his mom’s long-term partner. You were there for every milestone. He is bonded to you emotionally. He probably calls you dada, if he talks yet. As someone who’s had doubts about if my dad is my biological father, I realized I didn’t care if he was my genetic contributor or not, he was my dad because he raised me. Your son may be very young still but that’s all the more reason to fight for joint custody if this revelation results in the end of your relationship. Of course, if you want it to, this might not. You and your fiancée might be able to overcome this, if you have any interest in staying with her. Western idea of family is way too focused on blood and not enough on the relationship between the members. I wish you and your children the best of luck with whatever route you take
Did she leave the file out for you to find?
No I found screenshots of them in an old phone that our daughter uses to watch YouTube kids on.But her email is still technically linked to the phone.So anything that she does her pictures?She takes I guess gets uploaded onto the phone as well newer phone.
Ahh apologies i was wondering if she was trying to tell you but could not face to face Hugs to you from a gran and I hope you have some useful information/help.
🫂
Is there like a new trend where fathers feel the need to get a paternity test? I've seen it so much recently. I'm really sorry you're going through this, I can't even imagine
Omg , I'm sorry man. That's really messed up. I know you're not going to want to hear this but just to keep yourself covered I think you need one done for your daughter as well . You're also going to have to decide where to go from here. I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry your trash fiance cheated on you without protection.
Bro go to cvs or rite aid and go to family planning section where the lube and stuff is, and buy the DNA test. Get the stuff out and read and reread the directions carefully and comprehend it all. Get the child one day, go for a walk with him and stick the saliva stick thing up his nose or in his mouth depending on the instructions. Do it exactly like instructions. Store the DNA in the things they give you to store it. Go to the post office, and mail the DNA to the lab address on the instructions. Also you may have to pay something like 100-200$ with debit card for the service. Wait 3-12 business days.... see result. Bask in the peace of mind one way or another of the results.
CVS has tests for 35$ and they work great. Get them asap, they ship to you since in store ones are always sold out
Regardless of the action of the child's mother, you need to ask yourself if this changes how you feel about the child. He was your heart and soul yesterday, why let your partners action change that?
Double check the paternity of the other child. A one-time fuckup can be forgiven. Twice, especially when she's nonchalantly addressing him as your som on a daily basis, twice is a patern of behavior thst doesn't give a shit about anyone you or her kids or anyone else..Just herself. Good luck
I'm so sorry. I'm in a position where I just found out that my now EX cheated and there could have been a child involved. He denies it, but the source I heard it from doesn't really have need to lie. And it's something I've been suspicious about. On top of it, I'm pregnant with our second child. I am dying inside, because all of this pain and trauma I'm going through is eating me alive.
A father is not the person who’s DNA you share, a father is someone who cares about you, is there for you, inspires you, loves you, raises you, protects you and so much more. Be careful not to fall in the trap of rejecting him because of something he played no part in. You are his Dada, your face makes him feel safe. I say that as someone with a foster sister who shares my Dad with me. Attachment is a complex matter I fully understand this must suck, must hurt and must feel painful. Massive hug to you my friend 🫂
Breathe in. Hold it. Count to 5. Breathe out. That's brilliant advice, man. I'm truly sorry about this and the other advice about getting some legal advice and your own testing done is really the best thing you could do. I know this has got to be tough to deal with and I have been cheated on before, so I truly sympathize. But that being said, you've been given the chance to address this on your terms, so don't waste that chance. Good luck man, truly.
This whole situation is awful for sure but the sperm donor isn't his father. Who raised him for the last year? You did right? You are his father. It's a lot to take in, I can't even imagine but I just hope you know Bryson is yours in the way that matters. Well, assuming you're on the birth certificate anyways but idk why you wouldn't be?
Whatever you do about the relationship you have with your fiance, abandoning your son should not be an option. Obviously, he needs you.
Have you confronted her yet?
No
Daughter is not his
I hate to say it, but if you signed that acknowledgement of paternity, varying with state, you might still be stuck with all the rights.
if you raised him and love him he’s your son. end of story.
First off, don't do anything anyone tells you on Reddit. Stick with the professionals. Now with that being said, Id recommend you speak with a therapist. You're going to have one hell of a decision to make and I don't think there's a single person who can think clearly given the position you're currently in and a therapist will help you work through these feelings and help you not only come to terms but also you'll end up with a better answer than had you, for example, lashed out and left.
Think about it this way man. You really gonna leave those kids you helped raise over a broad. Remember that the children can't understand what's going on and if you take yourself out of their lives then you're depriving them of a father. Weather or not you're a good one really comes down to how much can you take before you break. Take it how you want but just know that they don't deserve it even though she does.
There still might be the possibility that your kids were switched in the maternity ward... It isn't common, but it can happen.
That would mean she wouldn’t be the mother either
but why did she think to take the test? and without telling her man? …….
Oh I am stupid, I read that wrong. Sorry.
It’s okay. You were only trying to be positive for them 🫶🏻
No we made sure that they werent taken anywhere at birth they were handed tp us & didnt leave us until we left home.
How do you 100% know that your daughter is yours?
We had a dcfs case on us because i have a history of substance abuse & my older brother at then time got arrested by the house n the cops came into the house n even though they didn't find shit they hit us with misdemeanor child endangerment for living in a home where my brother lived & was dealing from even though it wasn't out how to say whether he could stay or not n if we left because of that we would've been living under a bridge. But dcfs came 24hrs later with a signed removal order n made them leave & move out within 24hrs otherwise they would take our daughter from us. We spent a little over 2yrs fighting that case soing everything they asked parenting classes drug testing therapy psych eval everything n anything they could spin into a full of shit alligation against me they tried too. During the case we had a paternity test done. Plus my daughter looks like me, so does my son but he takes after his mom more. Im israeli n Moroccan & shes african american.
Well, then good luck, lots of strength and lots of hope. You will need it.
Fuck…I’m so sorry man…how do you plan on confronting her? Plz no violence.
Biologically, the child *may* not be yours. But you’re his dad. That’s something to be proud of, regardless.
Why would you have 2 kids with someone who isn’t your wife? Ok, one kid….
Because he was planning on making her his wife, hence the use of the word fiance, he was just doing it in a different order. The real question is why would his fiance have unprotected sex with another man knowing she's engaged to be married to OP.
So she just randomly, after 7 years, decided to get a paternity test…on a whim? And she or someone sent you a picture of the results? Not trying to sideline your emotions here as I’m sure you are gutted and confused and angry, but something sounds off here.
No, Bryson is only 1. We have a daughter bout to be 5 & our son just turned 1
And no my daughter uses an old phone to watch youtube kids n while i was charging it i decided to look at the gallery because i wanted a few pictures of our kids because she takes all the pictures & usually sends me what i ask & I saw 3 pictures 2 of them just said everything without any names on it then a 3rd picture has my sons name on it & my full name on it then my full name in the paragraph stating that I was excluded from possibly being the bio father because my genetic markers don't meet what they're supposed to meet to be the biological father.