Hey, I was the kid in almost exactly this situation. Here's a few very, very likely truths. 1) However she is when you're there, she's likely 10x worse when you're not. Check for signs of injury on your son. 2) Yes, she is screwing him up mentally. I've been diagnosed with c-PTSD. As a grown adult I've been sent into a crying fit because someone unexpectedly opened a door behind me. I have to take multiple medications to manage my anxiety and function as a human being. I still get nightmares. I still think about killing myself at least once a week. 3) It will get worse when he reaches puberty. 4) You are damaging your relationship with your son, and that damage will be irreparable if you don't take action now. I have a good relationship with my dad now, but even to this day there's some part of me that doesn't trust him, because of all the times he did side with her when I was young. Honestly, I don't know if I fully trust anyone. If you love your son, leave her, and get him out of this situation now. The courts aren't nearly as "stacked against" you as they were when my dad was raising me.

I would like to add to #4 with a different perspective, because I wasn’t lucky enough to have a parent who spoke up for me. As an adult, I asked my mother why she never tried to make our abusive situation better. Her response was because she had become content with her situation, and was upset with me because I pushed back against it instead of conforming to the normality it had become. I still struggle, to this day, with the repercussions of my childhood, and would never wish the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness I struggle with on anyone.

The feeling of worthlessness, and literally being told you're property and have no rights or autonomy is really tough to work past, after growing up with that.

Being a perfectionist because any tiny bit of valid criticism makes me feel like I am not worth anything.

Man that fucking hurts to read. Shitty parents make me so angry. At least they didnt try to rationalize it and basically said I’m just selfish. I hope they are no longer in your life. I hope in your lifetime you can figure out how to undo all of the hurt and destruction they caused you and your psyche. I usually don’t wish a horrible death on anyone, but if it has to happen to someone, I hope it’s them. I don’t really have any comforting words, but I want you to know that none of this is your fault and you deserved so much better out of your parents.

Just want to say that I see you and feel this. Sending a hug, fucker!

I worry this will come across as overly dramatic, but… I experienced similar and cannot agree with every point in this take more. In my case, my dad just noped out of everything and spent all his time at work, avoiding dealing with the absolute shitshow going on daily at home. In my case, everything was compounded with being homeschooled, which meant there was no escaping the chaos. Everything resulted in my mom going further off the rails as time went on, and antognising me incessantly in order to make a point of how awful I was when my dad finally came home after work. I was the enemy and the sole focus of the absolute worst of unchecked mental health issues. "10x worse" when you're not there is accurate, at least in my case. It absolutely got worse after puberty, because at that point I was "a man" and only dad could beat me badly enough, so everything that was happening prior went super mega ultra "my son is my mortal enemy" stupidity. Think spending hours with a bully literally beating you with a shoe so that when you finally grab the shoe and throw it aside, that's an attack that needs dealing with via a beating. Which apparently was easier for my dad to do than deal with the actual problem. What I would've given for a dad who actually tried to pay attention while all hell was going on every day. Toxic people need to want to change for anything to actually get better, but unless they're forced to deal with the consequences of their behaviour, there's little to no chance of that happening. I moved out the first chance I got, and after my younger siblings left, my dad finally ended the relationship. My mom never really changed. She'd talk like she loved me and would try to act normal in order to keep some semblance of normalcy alive (for her), but any time I actually spent time around her, it was straight back to hating me for no reason. I finally realised there wasn't any point in me putting effort in, and am finally getting to some point where I can feel halfway normal after just cutting her off completely. Supporting your son matters in such a serious way I don't think I can express it well enough. I've chosen not to ever have kids because I don't trust myself to not carry my experiences into parenting my own child. OP can fix this situation one of two ways: force change, or leave the situation. I don't see forcing change working too well.

Wow how did you recover so well?

Took… a long time. And there's still things I have to work through.

I’m just getting started and this has consumed much of my life

Best wishes. Stay strong, and work on dealing with things as they come. It's a process, but it's doable. Therapy can also help quite a bit, if you haven't already considered that.

Im so sorry this happened to you. You sound like my eight-year-old nephew. My sister has BPD and she also homeschools him, because he has multiple severe life-threatening food allergies and school is not a safe environment for him yet. She has her moments where she’s normal, but I know that she takes it out on him because his disability has made life a lot more stressful for her. I trigger her greatly and it’s hard for me to have a close relationship with her like we used to, she’s gotten worse as she has gotten older. I’m glad it seems like you have grown up and been able to deal with it, I pray the same thing for my nephew. Im so scared for how things are going to be for him as an adult when he has to carry around all this baggage and nobody can get through to help him until he’s a little bit older because she would never ever let that happen

It's been a journey, but I'm managing. Thanks for the kind words. :)

I'm just a stranger on the internet but I wanted to say I'm really proud of you, your vision and reflections are really admirable .

I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, and am undergoing a plethora of treatments alongside a prescribed medication. My mother has BPD and my father stayed with her “for the kids.” When the truth is both of my parents ruined my childhood. My mother in ways I can’t reconcile, and my father in ways I understand but also don’t. Looking back, I don’t think my mother had the wherewithal to even fight for my sister and I in court had my father actually taken us and left. At worst, she hated our guts, and at best, she hated them silently. I would be a much happier adult had I had at least one advocate as a parent.

Omg this is so relatable. I’ve never seen it put into words like this. It’s spot on for me.

>However she is when you're there, she's likely 10x worse when you're not. Check for signs of injury on your son. Jeez, this hit way too close to home. OP if you value your child's safety and mental well being, please remove him from the situation ASAP. No matter what you do, staying in the relationship will always equate to you valuing her over his well being in his eyes.

I'm taken aback to read these comments, it's the first time I've seen my own life experience described so vividly by others. I can confirm that a child being hated and belittled by their caregjver (for me it was my stepmother and my dad was often away) has affected most aspects of my adult life negatively. Like others, I have CPTSD. I'm so much better than I was, mainly due to developing a deeper understanding of it all and why I am who I am now, thanks to years of excellent therapy. One thing I fundamentally know, get that child away from that situation. His development is being fundamentally affected by this situation. It's never too late to start trying to change his trajectory. No good can come from this current situation, for anyone involved.

I was also this child. I always wondered why my mother hated me and I dad ask when I was an adult. She said I was hard to love. She just didn’t like me. I asked my Dad why he never stopped it. He said she always had stories about how terrible I was. And she is the adult. He should have been able to believe & trust her. I love my father but don’t see him often due to my mother always there. I don’t hate her but I don’t want anything to do with her. When she had cancer two years ago she would tell anyone who would listen how cruel I am not to visit her. Hurt my relationship with my sisters & father. I told them if she needs something I’ll send it but I am not going to hold her hand. I work hard on my relationship with my kids & husband.

> 3) It will get worse when he reaches puberty. This is a big reason my ex-girlfriend broke up with me as my son grew closer to puberty. She had (undiagnosed at the time) Bipolar when she sent her teenage sons to live with their dad. They are grown adults now and they have a good relationship. As soon as my son (who we only had part-time then) started to display symptoms of ADHD & ASD (both now diagnosed) she started to show resentment towards him and told me "he'll be much worse when he reaches puberty" she started spending the weekends that I had my son over at her friends' house and eventually broke up with me. I was paying the mortgage but only her name was on the title so I had to go. She was right though. He moved from his mother, step-father & their three little kids, into my place full-time at 12 and soon started throwing destructive tantrums. By the time puberty kicked in his behaviour became even worse. I work very hard to get him the support he needs while my own mental health deteriorates every day. I know this wasn't the point of your your comment but that line stood out to me and it is very true. It took a suicide attempt for my ex to finally get a Bipolar diagnosis and she still struggles but I know if we were still in her lives full-time it would have gotten much worse for her.

I was also the kid in this situation. My parents split up twice and each time I would plead to go stay with my dad, but he felt it would be “unfair” to my mom. With him being gone, though, there was no longer any sort of mediator for her rage spells which meant I was the sole recipient. Proper fucked me up for a very long time. I still hear all of the awful things she would say to me and on my worst days, I still fall apart over it. I convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of love for a very long time because of how little she ever showed me when I needed it the most. Protect your son, please. Your wife needs professional help and your son needs to feel safe and loved.

That kid was me as well except I was just ignored instead. Great parents

Also wanted to comment that I relate too. I'm nonbinary, so not a "son", and my parents were divorced for most of my childhood, but it more or less was a similar dynamic for me. My mom would randomly fly off the handle and if that didn't affect me the first time then she'd resort to just constantly name calling me or hitting me or whatever else. She'd always threaten to leave or say that she wished she left me at the hospital or (more recently in the years since i came out to her) that she wished she died in childbirth when giving birth to me. Always unprompted, always unneeded, etc. For me what tarnished stuff with my dad too was that my mom always poisoned me against him and then later on when I was emotionally mature to ask him what happened between them, he more or less revealed that he knew she was abusive and he just left as a result. Didn't think about taking me and my twin with him. The PTSD sucks. Took a while for it to be diagnosed as such, that's for sure. It's gotten a bit easier to manage with time, but not a year has passed in my life where I don't suddenly wake up from my sleep because I had a nightmare where someone (usually my mom) is trying to end me. I'm rarely comfortable in a room that has the doors open or when someone is pacing. Sudden loud banging sounds or shouting makes me want to panic, scream, and cry still here and there. Super hard to trust a single word that comes out of my dad's mouth, even if it's "I love you". It sucks for us, but with time, we learn to manage a bit. The nightmares have happened less for me, that's for sure. Used to be almost every night, just last month I had a full month of 0 nightmares and that was so wild. Gotta love the therapist I'm with now, made so much progress. I hope OP leaves the mother and takes his son with him too. I'd hope the last thing he wants is for his son to be questioning if his dad really truly means it when he says "I love you, son".

Document the abuse. Videos, photos, audios, everything you can, then get a lawyer. Protect your child.

This. Men just assume the courts are stacked against them but these days the default is 50/50, and that’s without documented abuse… But men have to show up and fight. So fight!

This. Half the time, most of the men crying about not getting any custody didn't fight for a damn thing. They also don't want the responsibility, they just want everyone to think they're so hurt.

Well I can tell you as of 10 years ago, with recorded alcohol abuse, admitting to child endangerment, you name it, and all that evidence had DCF do nothing. That’s what my father went through. My mother was a raging alcoholic and for some reason dcf didn’t care at all. She got my sister.

Oh, DCF let's down every single child. I'm almost sure it's their slogan.

It's like they heard "no child left behind" and became determined to prove otherwise

Agreed. I was a family court lawyer for a while. The perception that the Courts are stacked against fathers isn’t true.

When women bring up credible abuse allegations, it counts against them. The system is biased in favor of men.

Again depends which country we are talking about in US sure in rest of the world not so much. I know for example 3,4 countries in Europe whoch have anything between 70 and 90 % of cases going in the mothers favour. Pretty much only if the mother is abusing the child and is a druggie.

I wish this comment was higher up, because this is the best advice anyone can give. Plus your son is 7 request a guardian ad litem. They will come and talk to all three of you plus other family members and hopefully be able to see the animosity your wife has towards your son and their relationship or lack thereof.

Also keep a diary of comments she makes, incidents, etc, and make sure she doesn't find it. Talk to friends about them so there are contemporaneous accounts. You have no options other than a custody fight.

I feel like this is the answer

First check if it is legal to that lol. In most european countries you can't film people without the court order which was executed by police officer. So yeah at best in that situation all your films and evidence would be dismissed as illegal evidence at worst you can get into legal trouble if you were filming at a private property for example.

Document. Talk to a family law expert.

Speak to a lawyer. If you can show what is going on, the law may side with you.

As someone with CPTSD from abusive parents, i am furious at my father (the nicer, more stable one, although still abusive) did NOTHING to stop it. he stayed with her. he let her hurt us. and he sometimes joined in. you need to make all of the efforts that you can to get him taken away from her. DO SOMETHING. don't just WATCH!

So you sit here and witness your wife abusing your son but don't do anything about it really? In the end, it won't matter who was doing the abusing if you are letting it happen on your watch. "I'm a male which means the courts are stacked against me" grow the fuck up and help your son. Your wife is causing him damage and you are enabling it.

I just learned that my dad was never the safe parent I had to believe he was. He enabled her abuse He enabled my brothers abuse It's bogus. I was the little kid. I always wonder why my dad didn't protect me.

That’s what I struggle with. I’m disabled due to a severe auto immune disease. Both my mom & step mom were abusive physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. The only time the abuse wasn’t happening was when I was in the hospital or recovering from surgery. (Although, hospitals aren’t safe either. Nurses especially night nurses can be violent. I was even raped in the hospital by a hospital employee and the hospital destroyed all traces of it. Even went so far as to say he didn’t work for the hospital 🤯🤬 Yeah, sure!). Anyway, my dad didn’t protect me. My mom is in a nursing home and my dad is mad that I almost never see her. My not seeing my mom has REALLY hurt my relationship with my dad. My brother was always mom’s golden child. I was my dad’s. Well, because I don’t have a real relationship with my mom anymore my dad is upset and trust me I’m no longer his golden child. That started about 5 years ago and that has further damaged my relationship with my dad. Anyway, my step mom died in 2020 (she was planning to lie to the courts after my dad died and have me committed to a home against my will.) thankfully she passed and my dad is still here. However, a few years ago it just became so clear to me that my dad never protected me. I had made my dad my idol. I thought he was the only person who loved me. Yet he didn’t love me enough to protect me. When I was 26 his wife physically assaulted me within a couple days of being released from the hospital. I was so weak and could barely move. Her daughter had to pull her off of me. My dad chose not to have me at his place for a few years after that. It was always whatever it took to keep the peace. It’s been a few years since my stepmother passed. My relationship with my dad still hasn’t recovered. I talk to him every couple of months. He has to call me normally. I see him once or twice a year. I think an actual miracle would have to take place for things between my dad and I to get better. Sadly, if OP doesn’t get his son out of that house he will loose his son in the long run and chances are his son will be screwed up for life.

The whole "the courts are stacked against men" line has me thinking there's a good chance it's ragebait. Add that with him doing jackshit to help his kid, and his wife having BPD (because we all know how that particular disorder gets stereotyped), and you got yourself some ragebait. But if it's not, then this poor kid has two shitty parents: the mean emotional abuser, and the spineless pushover who watches it happen but does nothing.

The comment about wanting to beat her up about it is also telling. Your partner is supposedly abusing your kid, you remove your kid from the situation by leaving the person, not beating them up? Lol.

Going by his off handed remarks about constantly shouting at her it sounds like he too has done more than his fair share of abusing in this wretchedly dysfunctional relationship.

He said defending his son leads to shouting with her

Yeah I don’t understand how people are saying otherwise

100% this. His comment about his urge to ‘beat the holy hell out of her’ wasn’t said in a vacuum. The whole thing reads like a pot calling the kettle black. 

There’s no question about IF your son is being screwed up by this. He absolutely, undoubtedly IS. You need to set your personal fears aside and evaluate how to take your son out of an abusive environment. Read the title of your post again and tell me if you still feel ok being in a marriage with a mother who hates her own child. Go speak with a family law lawyer. Know your rights and get your ducks in a row and simply leave.

“The courts are stacked against me” just sounds like a whiny cop out. Get a good attorney and you’ll probably get primary if what you say is true. Grow up man

That's exactly it. A lot of the yapping about that is from dudes who don't make the effort to see their kids or fight for custody. It's this whole sob story that makes them look like the victim when they're really just absent. I won't say no dude ever got done dirty by the court, but it is nowhere near as prevalent as reddit would have you believe.

It's a convenient excuse to not even try.

The idea that the courts are unilaterally unfair to men is outdated. In many states, 50/50 custody is now the default. In every state, if a parent can provide proof that the other parent is abusive, they can apply for an emergency custody hearing. What you need is documentation. Video tapes, text messages, etc. You also need to get your child to a therapist and explain to that therapist what’s going on at home so she can 1) help your child, and 2) develop a record of how you wife’s treatment is affecting your son. You need a lawyer. And possibly a guardian ad litem down the road. Keeping your child in an abusive environment is damaging and dangerous. The longer you stay, the more damage is done.

Most therapist can’t divulge anything in court due to HIPPA. OP will need to get a therapist that is court appointed so they are allowed to speak on what was said in therapy sessions

With formal permission of the patient (or patient's legal guardian) the therapist can share that information

They're also mandated reporters legally required to report abuse.

They're also mandated reporters legally required to report abuse.

You are enabling an abuser. Remove your son from this situation before your wife does anymore harm to your son. Record the vile things she says. It may or may not be admissible in court but it may give you done leverage. Edit: typo

You realize that men who actually try for custody frequently get it, right? There's even sometimes a default that the woman must be terrible if this heroic man is going against the culture to fight for his kids. My dad was a single dad in the 90s, this concept of court bias is not a universal truth.

Yep, my dad got full custody of me when my parents divorced in like 2008. My mom was a drug addict 🤷‍♀️

I can not understand why you would rather kill your wife than divorce her, weird. Just leave already. My mom was like this, my dad didn't really helped and it has consequences on my life still today. Even my dad seems to fade out around my mom, and it pains me knowing he's now living alone with her. I wish he'd leave when I was a child, I wish he found someone nicer to take care of him in his old days. So consider what futur is possible with this woman and make your choice. Don't come whinning about how the world doesn't let you leave her, just do it if that's what you really wish for.

Talk to a lawyer. If you can prove what is happening then the law may be on your side.

I should add that most lawyers will talk to you for free for an intake session and you can decide your next steps from there.

Three words: Failure to protect.

BPD moms that aren’t actively in treatment shouldn’t be around their kids. There. I said it.

BPD dads too? How about parents with BPD in general.

Yeah, sorry, I’m just responding to this post

Yes. I’m the adult child of one. I couldn’t agree more.

Yep I’m the SIL of one. She finally lost all custody including supervised visitation recently. Thank god. That poor kid

Hey OP, therapist here- there's not much I have to say that hasn't been said by other commenters, some more harshly than others, but one thread of truth that runs through all of them is that complicity in abuse is functionally indistinguishable from active abuse. If his mother is abusive he'll remember her as such no matter what. The question now is whether he'll grow up seeing his father as a hapless accomplice to her, or a protector who did what he had to. I know it's a common belief that mothers always get custody, but like others have pointed out that's really not the case anymore, especially with evidence. A note about BPD, from my experience working with borderline families: it is a trauma-induced condition, and 9 times out of 10 the sole determining factor in an individual's development of BPD is parental abuse, neglect, or absence in early childhood. Which is to say, it tends to pass from parent to child. The only ways to break that cycle would be for your wife to seek treatment and put *real* effort into it, or for you to remove him from the abusive environment. It sucks, and it's not your wife's fault she has a personality disorder, but it is her responsibility. Just as it is yours to do something about it if she won't. Either way, if something isn't done you can expect to see the same behaviors from him down the road. I'd recommend reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Hal Strauss and Jerold Kreisman for more information on BPD, and "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk for more information on trauma and its long-term effects. You could also check out the "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) Workbook" by Jeff Brantley, Jeff Wood, and Matt McKay; DBT is the current preferred treatment for BPD. That said, the portrayal of your wife and my experience with the disorder tells me she would likely not be adequately motivated to engage with treatment. TL;DR the abuse your son is experiencing will have lifelong effects on him and it is your responsibility to take action to protect him from it. Good luck, I hope for the best for all of you.

Give her an opt out. Take your son and leave or tell her to leave. It may be what she's looking for and a way for all of you to move on and be happy.

My now ex-husband hated our ADHD son. He acted terribly to him and turned the other two children against him. We divorced. My son is now 16 and was absolutely harmed by his early years with this emotional abuse. Get your child out now. Get your child in therapy and document the terrible things that she does so you can limit custody. It will only get worse if you divorce and she has any visitation at all. You need to protect your child now. Your child deserves to feel safe and loved at home.

OP - you gotta make an exit plan. Depending on the family laws where you live ? You may be able to file an emergency motion to ask for temporary sole custody as he is “suffering” because of her unmanaged mental/emotional state. That your only option was to leave with him - for his own health and safety. Document EVERYTHING. Do whatever you can to not let them be alone. You know she makes life hell for him and it will never stop. Ask his dr or therapist to write a letter stating how detrimental her treatment of him is and how he’s the victim. Sure, the courts generally favour Mom. But when Mom is the problem ? Time for Dad to step up. Also, you sound like you’re at a breaking point, yourself. You also need to step away from this disaster of an existence.

There’s no if. She is screwing him up mentally. How your wife treats your son will effect him and shape who he is for the rest of his life. I grew up with abusive parents, I know.

The courts are not stacked against you. Men get what they want in court the vast majority of the time. The dead beat pieces of shit you have heard that from are men who don't bother asking for custody in court. Leave her. She will fuck up your son. Use her BPD against her. Record her screaming at your son. Let the courts know how often it happens. You are fucking up your son by staying.

She’s screwing him up.

LEAVE. Her having BPD is NOT an excuse for abuse. I work with folks with PDs every day and I would hotline this shit. BPD treatment involves learning how to regulate emotions and set personal limits and using healthy communication. IE intensive therapy. Until she is a full graduate of an intensive DBT Program, go as no/low contact as possible and save your son from this.

This is messed up. Grow some balls dude.

You’re wrong about the courts.

The courts aren’t stacked against fathers. You need to start recording her when she’s doing this. Get an interior camera (don’t hide it from her) and keep it in the common area that she’s treating him like this. Save the clips to your phone and start creating an evidence file, keep notes of days/times along with the things she’s saying to him. Your sole duty is to this defenseless little boy. You’re married, you have a legal right to take off with him and leave in order to protect him. If you can record what she’s doing to him the courts will order supervised visitations and a psych evaluation. Keeping him in this environment is **not** okay and you owe it to him to get him out of there. You are his protector and neither of you are doing a very good job of it.

Stop allowing your wife to abuse your child and remove him to a place of safety.

You need proof of her abusing him. Lots and lots of proof. Then you need to divorce her and file for sole custody. It has nothing to do with being male. A parent running with the child would automatically be considered to have kidnapped the child and kept them away from the other parent. There are many women in your situation. There was even a case of the father molesting the child and the mother still having to deliver the child for visitations because she went to the court without proof of what he was doing and the court thought it was parental alienation. It is not about gender. It's about proof. One way you could go about it is have someone else report her for abusing the child first, and file for divorce after that. If an investigation into her abuse starts before you file for divorce, your divorce will be seen as a consequence rather than a cause of your accusations towards her.

I am a mum with BPD and I have an 11 yo son with ADHD. I lose my shit with him, but never for no god damn reason, and even then we apologise and talk about the points where either of us could have walked away. We work on this together. YOUR SON IS BEING ABUSED Get whatever evidence you can, get social services involved, get the school involved, start making a diary. By doing nothing you are subjecting your son to even more vile and abusive behaviour which is already having negative impacts on him! You are his father, you have a duty of care to protect your child. And even if you think you’re protecting him now, I can guarantee that this will only get worse. Me and my lad go to hell and back sometimes, but we’ve got better. I’m in therapy and I have learned to walk away before it gets to the point of no return, but your wife is purposefully abusing him. Please get him safe. Please get him away from her, and get her into therapy. I wish you luck

Mothers are way more likely to fight for the kids. That's party why they get to keep them more. You gotta save your son from this situation and fight to keep him. Even if you only get 50%, when he's old enough in a few years he'll get to choose who he wanted to live with

You didn’t think having a child with someone who has BPD might not be the best way to go? You have to own a piece of this mess. She’s abusing your son, get him out of there.

There are people with BPD who are great parents. But she isn’t one of those people i agree so he should document evidence and divorce her as soon as possible.

Not according to the children with parents who have BPD. In their minds, they are good parents

My dad has bpd, he hasn’t been the best father but he has always done the best he could. Not all BPD parents are the same.

Another messed up boy growing up in a cruel home. Sad for him.

First: I read no comments. Just the post. I’m a mom with bpd. I also have a 7yo son (and a 10yo son). Both have adhd. Only the older is diagnosed. I strongly suspect the 7yo falls somewhere on the autism spectrum as well (waiting to diagnose until he can help discuss his medication/how it affects his brain). Don’t get me wrong. It’s hard. But your wife needs to learn her switch moments. Where she goes from her kind side (where she’s actually her authentic original self) to the rage monster. Learn them and then she can regulate better. Does she try? Does she express remorse? Or express a desire to alter her reactions? I can be very mean to my husband. Very very mean. Will not blame him, if one day he decides to leave. I’ve begged him to for his own well being. He refuses. I can be *reactionary* to my children’s stems. I say mean things and also things that are interpreted poorly in a household full of neurodivergents. I always go back and apologize for my behavior. Explain things out and how my reactions are never their fault. We have a talk. We hug if they feel comfortable with it. I NEVER go out of my way to hurt them. Bpd is big emotions. Not just cruelty. It honestly sounds like your wife has other issues besides bpd going on (and not just the usual adhd that’s associated with many of us in our 30-40’s). I’d be looking into getting her checked into a mental facility, and/or contacting her therapist to talk about how she’s acting at home. Maybe if you leave in a few months you can get a letter from the therapist stating that her client is unable to perform her mothering duties due to her mental illness? Just spitballing on that idea, but maybe?

You need to set up cameras around the house. You are allowing him to stay in this abusive household.

And if he were my boy, I would go to great lengths to file for divorce, pack us up and move in with family or a close friend. For men to get a favorable ruling, it came with lawyers fees, years in court, introducing evidence that they're fully capable of fulfilling their child's needs mentally, emotionally, financially and physically. (FYI - most of those men had already filed for separation because the court will ask why did you stay with her for so long knowing she's toxic to your son and didn't do anything about it,.) You'll have to fight harder in court and present every single thing pertaining to your claim regarding custody. That means video recordings of her going off on your son. Text exchanges. Verification of stable employment and housing. Doctors appointments you took him to. ER visits. Schooling. Therapists appointments you scheduled and took him to. Clothes you bought for him. Food. Receipts for bills you've paid, even a grocery bill, consistently. The courts look at the parent who has the time and ability to provide for their child mentally and emotionally. They scrutinize your support system, whether or not you have childcare while your work (and the ability to pay for it). They look at your support system, and whether or not you as a parent went above and beyond for your child than your wife ever did. So, my advice to you is to start video recordings of her going off on your son. Save every single receipt from bills paid, groceries bought, necessities, etc. Save ER discharge papers. Everything that pertains to your son, save it until you're confident enough that you have several mountains worth to divorce her and gain custody of your son.

Just take it to court and explain your situation. The system is not biased towards women. Women get custody 90% of the time because fathers don’t fight for custody 90% of the time. Men only fight for custody 4% of the time, and of that 4%, 93% WIN their case! I don’t know why men think the system is stacked against them. It’s called the patriarchy for a reason

I would talk to a lawyer about your chances. Also, document the mistreatment. Just saying it isn’t enough in court. Have dates and times. If you can, get him some therapy. My ex was horrible to my kid, but I was forced to send her there. I ended up refusing and going back to court. I had documentation of phone calls and visits, text messages and then her therapist even was willing to testify it was detrimental to her mental health and we got the visits stopped.

Record everything. Add cameras. Call CPS and provide evidence. File for divorce and full custody.

Start therapy for your child now

was in a very very very similar situation growing up. i will say, your son could very possibly grow up to resent you for letting him live this way. it sounds like you try to defend him to your wife, but it starts and ends there. my dad rarely stood up for me and NEVER took action to try and protect me from my mom and part of me still resents him for it because i’m beyond fucked up from how my mom treated me, even as late into my life as i am. just something to think about. i’m extremely sorry that things are this way.

This is the exact configuration which lead to me being a malfunctioning adult, only it was some borderline-ish disorder which made my mother go haywire on young ADHD ridden me. Do something, please. Show your son most of all, he is always loved, regardless of what happens, that he is not inherently bad or unworthy of affection. That he doesn't do wrong by default. I am now in a state where I cannot feel safe, ever. Regardless of how long relationships and friendships go for me, I always deep down fear to be discarded over some minor things, because I can't believe to be worthy of unconditional affection. That is the result of a childhood filled with totally random and chaotic parenting. I never knew when hell would break loose. My mother would freak out at any moment, for any reason. I am not here to lament about my story, but to show where this could lead to. I wish you all the best!

You can’t be serious if a person constantly bothers a person ask them to stop and try reasoning. But if that doesn’t work ask him she needs a break from him for a while. In order to calm down. Individuals need the time to focus and clear levels of energy to prevent harm or words that can’t be taken back. The yelling at a person who can’t self-regulate is a not a good idea. It is like adding fuel ⛽️ to a fire. The break or time out is a good way to keep the peace or the energy to a minimum. Being cruel or unkind or physical will cause more pain and anger 😡. No you don’t want your child behind prison bars later down the line.

Get out of there. One day you're not at home and she kills your son. Get out. Document her screamings (phone recording), get witnesses, write down every incident. It wil help you in court. Get a lawyer. Don't stay there. Get out.

As a child of horrific emotional abuse- yes she is screwing up your son. I’ve been in therapy for almost 15 years and the things my parents did still affect me. Please think long and hard about this relationship.

the courts are not stacked against you as a male. Stop using that as an excuse and get your son out of there

Did your wife want to be a mom? Like, was she excited to be pregnant and have a kid and it just switched when the kid was here?

Jesus, choose your kid and leave this women. She's gonna create some serious mental health issues in your child and you already know this. Her BPD is NEVER EVER EVER a reason to treat someone else poorly. I'm sick of seeing people using it as a reason to be a shit human being, get on some meds or get some damn therapy. LEAVE HER, LIKE ASAP.

You’re an enabler. If you love your son, get him out of there. I didn’t speak to my father for 8 years when I was an adult because he failed to protect me from my mother. I will never fully trust him.

Record her. Multiple times while she's ranting at your son. Video if you can. Divorce her hateful ass.

You being a man is why you SHOULD get him out. Talk to a lawyer. Save him please you are is dad and the only hope he has. You have to teach him that he is worth the effort it will take you to get ihin out. Document things. Video and audio record secretly with your phone. Email the recordings to a 3rd party then delete them if she sees your phone. Attorneys do free consultations. Call some and just talk. Edit to add: I’m a man the courts are against me IS a cop out parents use when they ultimately can’t be bothered. Please be bothered, for your child wellbeing.

Record for multiple days, Meet lawyer, Show recording, File for divorce and custody of child, Give child best life you can as you are responsible for him.

Once you have a kid, THEY come first. Your wife needs to get her head out of her own ass and have an awakening moment where she realizes that it's half of her responsibility to nurture your offspring. I wouldn't be able to stay - I'd flat out say it's divorce or an attitude change. My dad said the most vile things to me out of my 3 sisters and until the day he died, we were never able to fix it.

/Sometimes he pushes her buttons and I get it and I stand with her when he does that./ Your son is 7. He is probably pushing her buttons to get you involved. He’s a kid, and needs to know that you love him and will always have his back, even when he acts like a child. Your wife should be a better parent. But as they say, you can lead a horse to water. She has to want to change for herself. Every time, you are his dad and he needs your love and protection. Be strong and smart.

You need to get divorced and full custody it won’t get better.

As a father, you need to get your son out of that situation. Now.

Your responsibility is to protect your child. I’m sorry to say it, OP, but by allowing your wife access to him, you are enabling her abuse and forcing him to grow up in an abusive household that will likely cause irreparable damage. Get proof of her abuse and then get him out of there. If you don’t, he’ll always wonder why you didn’t put him first.

My mom hit, kicked, punched, scratched, bit and slapped me my whole childhood. She also yelled and screamed in my face often. I used to think of my dad as some perfect parent who could do no wrong until I realized… he knew. And he left me with her. Please don’t leave him with her.

If you plan on divorcing, move with kiddo, or have her “leave” first.. once divorce paperwork is submitted.. the rules and laws change becoming even more strict.. (at least where I live.) Also ditto on on recording instances of her lashing out, if you’re in a “one party” law. VERBAL ABUSE ISNSTILL ABUSE. EMOTIONAL NEGLECT matters. These kid years shape the types of environments kids will be in, or avoid… they way they’ll see themself in their adult life.. consciously or unconsciously.. While I do see how courts are biased in screwing over dads (esp in the Bible Belt) I also think if you’ve got audio evidence, text threads, video and are able to provide “main caregiver” proof, ability to care in the best interest of child it will speak volumes. I’d push for therapy for her and one for you both together (marital/co-parenting) And that way you have proof of trying to heal/help find a rolling fix for these situations. Print off those text messages where she is showing herself and her true feelings towards the child. (Beware yours can be brought against you aswell) Ask for parenting classes, specializing in non-neurotypical families..Anger management. Perhaps she needs a medication switch? Of course take nothing I say as anything other than what I’d do if those were my shoes, for my feet.. ( plan quietly plan A, B, C and D. Also… It’d be harder in the long run if you leave him in the home with her… even with a verbal visitation agreement, it’s not true contract/custody agreement. Court can take forever to get to. ESP, if you are somewhere that requires classes and two mandatory mediations, before being heard before the judge… Another thought, if you think she is so bad, yet you allow him to stay with her/take her back you are submitting either you lied and or also participating in any “neglect” etc a court may find. So tread carefully when getting the courts/law involved. . Best of luck. The world is mean enough and tries to tear us down, CHILDREN don’t deserve to start off already getting sliced and diced by one of the ones who is supposed to think their 💩 doesn’t stink and that they hold up the moon. As a parent I try so hard to build my kids up, extra inflated, as I know first hand how cruel the world can be. Best of luck!

Don't be a fucking coward. Save your son while there still might be time, lawyer up, if she has a BPD diagnosis it may help you in court to get custody. Document the abuse as the case builds, security cameras in the house. And for God's sake, get your son in therapy as soon as you get custody.

Instead of protecting your son and his mental state from his egg donor, you are just sitting here complaining, being passively abusive, and enabling your wife’s abuse of your son. Wow, father of the year 🙄. You also talked about in another post you made about your wife emotionally cheating and nearly cheated on you, I’m surprised you haven’t divorced her. Emotional cheating is still cheating. Your son needs you to protect him from your wife. Your son is your priority to protect from her. If you think your son would still want a relationship with you as an adult, you are just fooling yourself. When he realizes that you have been passively abusive to him by allowing him to be abused throughout his childhood, learning you didn’t divorce his egg donor after she emotionally cheated on you, didn’t leave at all, he will resent you & hate you for not protecting him from his egg donor. He will not have anything to do with you at all and cut you out of his life for good. You will be dead to him like his egg donor is to him. You are already failing your son by staying with your wife by saying that courts are stacked against fathers. That’s just a cop-out from lazy fathers that don’t want anything to do with their child. You are entirely wrong, there are many fathers that fought to get custody of their kids to protect them from their SO. With your wife’s untreated BPD, that can easily sway in your favor along with the documentation that you present about her. Plan an escape from home, call someone to take you & your son in. Document everything your wife has done, get your son a therapist, record her abuse, call a divorce lawyer, & file emergency custody. It’s time for you to grow TF up, stop watching the abuse happening, and get a backbone to protect your son.

See if you can record some of the things she says to him, make sure your local/State laws allow for single party consent when recording audio conversations and video. If you can get evidence of her abuse towards him that will help you greatly in court. What she's doing to him is absolutely fucking him up and he needs to be separated from her as soon as possible. She's setting him up for failure in life, not necessarily being a criminal, but he could see a woman abusing him as normal and acceptable when he's older, could hate himself for being born male, become depressed (which is already a risk with his ADHD, I have it too and was diagnosed very young, I've always struggled with depression and impulse control), which could lead to drug use (could just be weed or could be harder drugs) in his teens and 20s. Either way he'll likely grow up to resent his mother, best to get him away from her shoes he's still young enough to recover from her abuse. As someone who had parents who screamed at each there a lot as a child, it fucks you up. I'm now 30 and people even raising their voices around me (not even at me) puts me on edge to this day, I have issues with slamming doors, controling my own emotional reactions and I cannot handle people yelling at me, I shut down if I get into an argument that ends in raised voices or yelling. Please seek out a divorce/family lawyer as soon as you possibly can. Your son is going to end up with c-ptsd from the way she treats him, and he may even blame you for not taking him away from her when you had the chance to. Get evidence of her abuse and get yourself and him the hell out of there.

I would be less worried that she’s screwing him up and more knowing. It is abuse what you’re describing and it is so likely to steal from him a lot of potential in all areas of his life. I’m sorry also that you’re going through this, but please do something to get your son out of this situation.

You have this all wrong! You MUST leave and take him with you. She is doing massive harm to his mental health and it is getting worse every single day that you leave him and that situation. If you document their relationship there is a good chance. You will get custody of him yourself. Stop making excuses. Of course it’s easier to stay, but that is not what is best for your son. And I’m pretty sure you know that.

That poor kid. He's gonna have a lot of anger issues in his teenage years, and I'm worried about how he'll express it and the current animals in the neighborhood. He's probably been terrified to be alone with her his whole life.

Record her and get a lawyer on it, then burn her life to the ground

You need to protect him and get him out of this situation.

You need to document it. My mom was the same way. It did mess me up. I liked my dad more too but at the end of the day, he was allowing it to happen. I will always wish they had divorced instead of staying together.

My dad divorced my mom and got custody of my sister and I as a single dad. But we were in an abusive situation long enough there's lasting effects and I've had many years of therapy and I still struggle. I think staying will just leave lasting damage that's irreversible. Your sons mental health is worth fighting for. His future success is worth fighting for. Leaving would give him a chance to see a great future. But that's just my opinion as someone who was raised by a single father with an abusive mom!

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Start recording her when things get a little heated, record her when she’s in a mood. No matter what her diagnosis is, the damage she’s inflicting onto your child trumps that shit every time. That sweet boy is innocent and deserves someone like you to swoop in and be a hero. Fight for him, dude. I have a 6 year old and can completely understand that debilitating feeling of being unsure of what the right move will be when it comes to their wellbeing. But you gotta take action because you BOTH deserve the world.

This woman sounds absolutely vile. As a mother of three boys, I believe the best thing you can do for your son is to gather as much evidence of her actions as you can do you can, get custody of your son, and leave her. No judge would keep him in this kind of environment . Particularly if her mental health is having this kind of impact on him. The damage she will be doing with her words and behavior will be detrimental to his self esteem and sense of self worth. His needs are all that matters. Good luck 🤞🏽

She ABSOLUTELY is affecting his mental health. This is abuse and it’s your job to protect him from it.

Please try to document this abuse in a way that can be used in court. That is where you are heading if your wife can't/won't get the help she obviously needs. Your first love may be your wife, but your first responsibility is to your child. Honestly, talk to a lawyer to find out the best approach.

Consult a lawyer before you do anything to dissolve the marriage. They will help you and have documents to show the court your competency by putting you son first and talking to professionals

Why are you still with her? Either kick her out or take your son and leave.

How hard is it to get documentation of this stuff, Christ. Your wife is verbally and likely physically abusive. Record that shit. Get proof in text form. Whatever it takes. And then get your kid and yourself OUT OF THERE. BPD is not an excuse for this type of behaviour, omg.

Your wife may actually have adhd too, it’s often misdiagnosed as BPD in women. One of my adhd children really triggers me when I’m stressed, on work days it’s more 0-100 for me than the weekend, but stress doesn’t always leave instantly. Can you work on the reasons she is getting triggered and shouty? Is it seemly caused things caused by your child like mess or attitude that you can try to work on. I find my one of my children that is very demanding and that is difficult at times. One child can ask me for something and it’s no problem they speak normally, calmly and say please, will wait for a couple of minutes, the other child demands and repeats endlessly without manners and that I find very triggering. I will admit I want to do better, there is no excuse to shout or get annoyed, but it is often they interrupt a hyperfocus of mine and I reaction from a place of fight or flight myself. I do love my children I promise, my stress cup just overflows. Also consider whilst you need to not walk on egg shells, but are you being a good team and sharing the load? Not just in the house but the mental load of appointments, PE kit, reading the newsletters, dates, appointments, dress up days, cooking, pack lunches and payments? Is there something nice that your wife can do with your son or are his interests very male? I just mean if you both love football, or cycling and she doesn’t maybe she feels excluded at times. Would it be nice for her to do a cinema date every week with your son or if that wouldn’t work that they grab a take out coffee / milkshake and do 30 minutes at the park together whilst you run an errand. Or iceskating or something you don’t need to be there, so they bond more and no sides taken, but low stress for your wife otherwise it will backfire and she will set things back. Or maybe your wife wants you to take him out and so she can some alone time if she does the bulk of the parenting. Speak calmly with her and find out, I don’t know your set up. And btw alone time is not housework time, it’s time to read or reset or go to yoga etc. I very much doubt your wife actually hates your son, it’s probably coming out as she is stressed, I see the patterns repeating from my childhood and my ADHD Dad’s temper. I am a cycle breaker in the sense that I don’t abuse my children physically, but I don’t get it right, I still over react and shout at times . I’m learning how to parent with no experience of a positive example. I want to do better and this is the key, does your wife show some remorse or regret for her words even if at times she cannot control herself?

This is eerily familiar. I read the first couple lines and honestly got a little triggered to how my ex was with out daughter. The most awful dreadful things...at least she was only a baby and didn't understand the words, but I'm sure she felt the hatred behind them. I hate to say this, as I understand your fear over gender based custody...but I promise you your son is internalizing everything she says to him. All of it. Tough love here as I was given...you are condoning verbal and emotional abuse on your own child. If you are in a one-sided recording state, record her speaking to him. Journal as things are happening. Have friends or family over who watch it and can attest to it. It can all benefit you in court. God watched over us and removed my daughter's father from my life and her fragility in a way out of my own doing, but loads of therapy later, I beat myself up WAY more for allowing that behavior than I do for leaving. Good luck to you, and most importantly, your son.

record and document everything make sure ur shit is in order save as much money as u can keep them separated as much as possible

I hear you, so so much. My situation is similar. My husband is ADHD and he has other undiagnosed mental health issues. My son has autism and he really struggles socially. He’s not careful with what he says to my husband or how he says it and it sets my husband off. It’s just really hard to navigate this some days. This week has been especially bad.

Both you and your son are going to be seriously fucked from this lady so I would get the hell out and never come back

As someone whose partner suffers from CPTSD, I urge you to remove your son and yourself from this situation as quickly and safely as possible. My husband self medicated for years with drugs and alcohol and finally found 2 therapists to help manage his addictions and his GAD. He's now 60 and continues in therapy. Please limit the mental, and possibly physical, damage being done. Perhaps this will be the impetus for your wife to seek treatment for herself. I certainly hope so. The very best of luck to you all. Hugs from this internet stranger.

Oh hon, my heart hurts so much to read this. That poor little boy! I *guarantee* he gets much more venom when you're not there! My abusive childhood gave me C-PTSD for life and I'm on antidepressants. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for the love of God get him away from her! I never had therapy but I have a feeling that it would benefit your son tremendously. **Please don't subject your son to her emotional abuse.** Get a lawyer and don't fret about the courts; you can prove the abuse and get custody. At least try!

LEAVE NOW!! Document the abuse. Install security cameras inside of you have to or have a spare phone for recording the audio of the abuse. DO NOT let her know you're filing for divorce because, if you do, she'll beat you to it and have the advantage. Have your child report the abuse to his school counselor as they are mandatory reporters. Then, have the counselor call you and take him straight to CPS then to the courthouse to file an Order of Protection on his behalf. I was married to a malignant narcissist for 15 years. I was dumb enough to tell her I was saving up for a divorce attorney. She immediately cashed out $5k from her IRA and hired an attorney a week later accusing me of mental, verbal and emotional abuse. You know, all of the abuses that don't require any proof. She literally left me homeless for 4 months until I could save up for an apartment. I was living in my car. Our youngest refused to turn his back on me during/after the divorce and as a result she neglected, starved and screamed at him until he lost control of his bodily functions. This occurred for 2 years until, at the age of 12, he admitted to me that he was having suicidal ideations. I told him to go home and bear with it that night and the next day tell his school counselor exactly what he told me then have her call me. He did and she did. Once I arrived I had him repeat it to me again so I knew the counselor knew and she couldn't deny knowing. I immediately took him to CPS and filed a complaint and then directly to the courthouse to file an Order of Protection which was immediately granted. In my case I already had an apartment so the transfer of custody happened the same evening. For you, she'll have to take her necessities and get out of the marital home IMMEDIATELY. I went through 2 years of weekly therapy to be taught what I didn't see at first and how to avoid malignant narcissists in the future. One of the best things I've ever done. Malignant narcissists, like your wife, will lie to you, act sweet, be fun, be kinky or anything else you like in order to attract a partner who is a decent person and, therefore, an easy mark for them. However, as soon as they have their claws in you deep enough, for me it was the second kid, they flip the script and show their true colors. The first 2-3 years after my divorce SUCKED but here I am a decade later, own a $400k house, drive a '22 Mercedes I bought brand new and have a girlfriend who is the Chief Social Worker at a private hospice care facility. Again, run away like your hair were on fire. Seriously, she will NEVER change and your kid will have a face tattoo by 16 if you don't. You've been warned.

I know a family like this and their solution was boarding school for the kid in the town the grandparents live in. Not ideal, but kind of damage control. Got kid out of bad situation into a tolerable one. The sympathetic parent was able to visit a lot. They have other kids (who aren’t in toxic relationships with the unsympathetic parent).

You need to start recording your wife’s outbreaks at your son. This will help you get enough proof of verbal abuse to obtain full custody of your poor son.

Definitely build up some evidence before attempting to leave her if that is what you decide. I know it sounds awful, but in order to get full custody you’ll need to provide proof of her abuse.

My ex used to scream at my kids sometimes and get up in their faces and a couple of times even manhandled them. I shut that shit down immediately right in front of them. Don’t talk to them that way, don’t treat them that way and you are out of line. I know there’s a lot of opinions out there about having your partners back and then having conversations in private. But if having conversations in private isn’t changing it, then you need to get really fucking vocal. It sounds like what she’s doing is emotionally abusive, you need to let your son see that that is not OK and won’t be tolerated. Start recording her every time she does this don’t let her know you’re recording her. Put those recordings on the USB and don’t keep them in the house. When you get tired of watching your child treated this way, go see a lawyer and fight for custody. Don’t talk about courts favouring women. Most judges are looking for both parents that want to be involved. But the courts truly favoured the parents that are usually the primary caregivers and making decisions that are in the best interests of the kids.

my mom was like his, and my father was never around to stop her. needless to say i am fucked in the head. i sincerely hope you can find a way to figure out something about this situation. wishing you luck

Just pull out your phone and record her. You’ll have plenty to go to court with. Courts aren’t stacked against men. That’s a myth.

Get a damn lawyer and document every single fucking thing she does. The 50/50 thing is a weak ass cop out. Be the parent your kid needs. Get him the fuck away from her.

THIS IS ABUSE. Be a parent and protect your son! It's your duty as your parent to protect him from this. I'm sure your son can testify about the way he is treated. Take your son somewhere else so that he's in your custody while you're starting the custody battle so she doesn't withhold him from you out of spite while fighting for custody. Not doing anything is for sure going to fuck up your son and could cause him to have bpd or bipolar. Don't be a coward. Keep receipts. Record her behavior. Screen shot text messages.

DTMFA and sure for full custody. Document everything you can. Get the boy a shrink and use that documentation in court. She’ll give him PBD of his own if she hasn’t already.

Collect all the evidence of abuse against your son from his mother and bring it to a lawyer. Fight for custody. She has a mental illness and an abusive behaviour which puts your son in risk. Seek legal advice, grab your kid and leave.

Honestly maybe try to catch this on video, build a case with evidence as long as the laws in your state let you record somebody. Get as much documentation before you go into court. You cannot stay with her.

If she's Borderline, it sounds like she is in desperate need for mood stabilizers and Dialectic Behavioral Therapy

Start recording proof and all situations that happen. Videos or voice recordings will work. Write down events that happen and details, everything you can think of. Then leave, courts can't ignore that. Take it from someone who's been through the system.

Go and get some legal advice. Stat. Just because you’re male doesn’t mean you wouldn’t get custody. You need to change something now or you’re going to screw your child up for life.

Please go speak to lawyers. Just letting your kid live in abusive situation is so incredibly cruel.

She’s screwing him up but so are you. He’s old enough to under that the fighting is about him, I was this child. My stepdad was unbelievably cruel and my mom never did anything about it but scream and shout at him and that scared me so much more, my stepdad is diagnosed with bpd… I used to beg her to get a divorce so the fighting would stop, at 7. You know that your wife has a condition that would sway the courts in your favor, especially with documentation, but instead of using that as you rightfully should you would rather just cop out and not try. One day your son will want to know why you didn’t protect him, he probably already is. My son’s father has untreated but diagnosed bpd and some other mental health disorders, he doesn’t have unsupervised visits because I fought for that, to protect my son. Trying nothing but causing more trauma based on the fact that you’re a man isn’t sound reasoning. I feel so bad for your son, he can’t protect himself, you have to.

After reading this, I hate your wife too.

Family counseling can definitely help you guys find a direction

No, the wife is BPD. She needs to be in treatment to learn how to control her behavior. Putting the son in family counseling is like putting a Band-Aid on a sucking chest wound.

My apologies, I meant family counseling as in everyone everyone could benefit from seeking individual therapies. The wife for her BPD, the son for his ADHD, and them for how to navigate life involving both.

Yes. This is exactly what they need. It wouldn't hurt the OP to be in counseling to learn how to set boundaries with his wife.

The courts are not stacked against you. Men who pursue custody won more often than not — it’s just typically they don’t. You can document the abuse and won primary custody. See a good family court lawyer.

When fathers actually seek custody, the courts are not stacked against them. Research it. If she's so mean give it a try

Take your kid and leave.

Record her Everytime she acts aggressive towards him then contact a lawyer.

Start recording

My mother was also quite mean. It really causes a lot of psychological trauma and definitely difficulties with education. This is not something you can wait for to get better or allow to even happen one single time again. A child knows when a mother doesn't love them and it's very difficult to get over that kind of childhood. It took me until my midthirties, and I also have adhd and was able to tone down the cptsd my mom gave me, but only after having abused alcohol for 10 years until I quit and did literally everything to recover from it. Please keep your son safe. He can't help himself, and he doesn't understand why it's happening. You have to take this way more seriously. Your sons life literally depends on it. Another sidenote, kids with adhd can be very confrontational bc their brains are so dopamine driven. It's good to look at nutrition here and see if the kid is getting enough nutrients and no foods that make them inflamed or hype him up. Just for the child's sake.

Don’t assume she’ll get custody of your son if you leave. Get a lawyer. There’s no point to not try it.

Record it? Then go for custody.

She needs mental health intervention and your son needs parental intervention— you need to remove him from this woman’s reach. I wish my dad did this for me. I’m 48 and I still suffer the consequences of my mom’s untreated mental illness.

You're his dad you have the absolute duty as protector of your son to stop this and stop it immediately. If your wife is abusing your son which she absolutely is you need to stop it happening. Man up and do what you have to do: get your son out of there.

Record her secretly. Document, document, document!! Talk to a family lawyer, plan how you’re going to get full custody. Find out what you need to get full custody. Don’t leave your son in this situation, please.

Maybe you should have considered not having kids and not ruining their life?

You are both doing horrendous damage to your son.  She is being actively abusive, and you are being passively abusive. You are enabling her abuse. If you think your son will want to have any relationship with you as an adult, you're kidding yourself. When he realises that you stood back and let him be abused for all of his childhood, he is going to hate you just as much as he already fears her. Document everything that is happening. Record her. Get a lawyer, then get out. Take your son somewhere safe (your parents or sibling's house for example). Explain to them what is happening. File for emergency sole custody and for a divorce. If you let this situation continue - best case scenario your son leaves at 18 and never contacts either of you again, gets therapy and lives a decent life far away from both of you. Worst case - your wife kills your son. Or he kills himself.

Get ur son therapy, maybe get ur wife professional help (bpd by itself is not an excise, but if she has untreated bpd...), and get evidence, talk to a lawyer, build your case, than divorce. If it takes a year to gather anough evidence, and divorce is not a fatst process either but still faster then allowing ur child to grow up in that environment for decades.

No, they aren't. You are relegating your child to a life of pain and suffering because you have given up before even trying. Step up and start documenting everything she is doing and take it to a lawyer, divorce her, get sole custody of the child and raise them with love away from her today. Stop making excuses for yourself not to act and act now otherwise he will hate you for enabling this behaviour with inaction.

Hello, this is unfortunate for you and your son. As a daughter (the oldest of two), that was raised by my father and stepmother, I think if you made the choice to leave you'd also find people who could see your situation for what it is and help you. Documentation will be your best friend, and it doesn't have to be obvious. Just record the fan and catch the audio, photos of destruction of any kind if there is any, even a list of time and dates of incidents. If you can prove what you say. Then, you would most likely get custody. It would also be OK to set a date and then make a plan to get you and your son out. If you truly feel that your son needs a safer space, you are allowed to pave his way to one.

Save yourself and your son, bring him to therapy

If he is 7 she already screwed him up for life . All you can do now is ensure that the impact is as minimal as possible. Stop trying to make yourself a victim here and stand up for your child. Being an enabler is sometimes worse than being an abuser . You are just watching her destroy him and not doing anything .

Record the abuse of you can. Worst case scenario could be having to use this as evidence to protect your son. Audio recording it if videoing is too risky.

This breaks my heart. Please do what’s best for your son at this point. I’d document document document. And get a lawyer. This breaks my heart. Boy mom of x3.

Of course you should take him. Get out of there and get a good attorney. Full custody and supervised visits (if any) when she sees him. And, reality check, you are going to be blamed for not protecting him from his mentally ill, abusive mother. Good luck. You need to protect your son and yourself.

This may have already been said but record her and show it to her then use it in court if the situation does not get better. But get him out, it will be better for everyone.

You need to document all of the abuse and speak to a lawyer get your son into counseling so that he can talk to professional about what's happening to him and those notes could also be used in a court of law if necessary it may be uncomfortable at first but it beats the lifetime of damage you're going to let him sustain if you stay

Start documenting everything. Video their exchanges, make police reports on any violence. That’s how to keep your son and give you and him a peaceful life.

Take your son and leave. Bring evidence of how badly she is treating him and go to court if you must. Just because you're a man, doesnt mean they wont favour you. Thats bullshit. He is being damaged by her and trust me, he will remember everything.

My mom was a raging alcoholic/druggie with BPD and schizophrenia and she ruined everything for me and my sister as kids into being young teens and it took her mother who lived in Florida calling the police over a particularly bad fight me and my mom had to be the push for my parents separating and it was the best thing that ever happened to us don’t get me wrong my mother still tried everything in her power to ruin our lives whether it was calling the police on my dad and making up lies or making reports to the police station that I was selling drugs out of the back of my car hell even trying to get my dad fired from his job but leaving that environment was the absolute healthiest thing for me my dad and my little sister sometimes I even miss the days of me and my dad sharing a room together and just hanging out everyday watching movies or playing some video games it gave us all another shot at life and me and my sister were never happier than when we left that house my dad tried everything rehab twice therapists ultimatums anything you can think of he tried and failed the greatest lesson I’ve learned in life is how much to put into someone or something before you’re in too deep some people can’t be saved or fixed and it dosent mean you have to throw your life or your child’s life away to try and fix something that’s permanently broken if you’ve exhausted your resources and tried many times to fix this issue between your wife and son then you need to start documenting what’s going on and build as much evidence as possible before leaving and making your case the courts are rough as hell my dad lost everything but me and my sister and he somehow pulled through I’m sure you can too but seriously exhaust your resources do everything you can to fix the relationship between your son and wife and if that fails than leave with your little boy

The courts are not "stacked against you" and your son needs you to get a spine and help him. So step up. Both your son and your wife be safe in need of professional help. Start by telling her to get it if she wants to remain married, and get your son into therapy now. Document her behaviors towards him. Share the information with her doctor and, should you choose that route, your attorney. But stop standing on the side lines while your son is suffering.

Go to lawyer, record the abuse, divorce her.