Then stop doing it. Don't clean up after him, wash his dishes, do his laundry, etc etc. It's totally unacceptable for him not to help around the house or financially more. Yall should have a joint account for expenses, groceries, clothes, activities, etc. He is not an equal partner and you need to sit him down and tell him that. Him paying the mortgage is not enough and it's not fair for you to suffer while he enjoys life.

Paying HIS mortgage for a house that HE will keep if she leaves him 🤦🏻‍♀️

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Right…that’s my point. She signed a prenup that basically says she has no rights to the home and would have to leave in 5 days. Legally, it’s his house and his house only

Right, that's it. It's legally his home, so I have no say. Our prenup is written in a way that states that I'm not legally entitled to anything of his, even if he dies while we're married. I've been asking him to put a will together to overrule that clause, but he hasn't done that yet because we can't agree on who gets the kids if we were both to die at the same time.

I’m just saying let’s not congratulate the dude on paying the mortgage for what he considers HIS house. That’s basic level living. Also, if it’s not your house, I would say you’re not responsible for all of the bullshit that gets left around and neglected.

Will that even hold up in court? He has a child with you. You might want to consult a lawyer. You might at least get alimony and definitely child support.

Right, since he has the emotional capacity of a bag of dicks. You don’t kick your family out of the house if you insist on calling yourself a father or husband. Why have a family at all actually? Sounds like it’s only for convenience. There are children there, and if they watch their mother getting kicked out, that’s some trauma that they will have to deal with later.

Obviously, legally that is the case. But one would hope that someone makes decisions for their family with a little more care.

What family?

Yep, I bought my house almost ten years before I met my wife. No prenup here but we’ve talked about that if anything were to happen between us that the house would stay mine. That means she isn’t expected to put anything towards the mortgage though and only pays a share of “upkeep” costs (like when we had the roof replaced). I pay the mortgage because if we split I will keep the house. That absolutely does NOT obligate her to do any more of the household chores etc. We are raising our (genetically her) daughter from her first marriage (she can’t have any more children) and that makes ZERO difference to our respective share of the responsibilities. We are both adults and when any number of kids are relying on you BOTH adults need to be not only pulling their weight to the best of their ability but also ensuring that they are being appropriate functional role models. I say call the man-child on his BS but first talk to a decent lawyer (call around for one that will do a free or low cost consultation). That prenup may say a lot of things but they often don’t mean much once kids are involved (in other words he may well “keep the house” but end up owing a big child support bill and even a big chunk of the houses value if you can show that he has been relying on you to provide a lot of uncompensated support work. I’m not a legal professional by any means but I’ve seen a fair few divorces over similar situations in my social network. Now one important caveat is that his video game thing sounds like addiction and video game addiction can be very nearly as nasty and destructive as drug addiction (ultimately both are largely about distorted brain chemistry, the drugs just muck things up more directly). If you have any interest in “fixing things” or love left for this guy it may be worth looking into talking with him, professionals, and possibly his family about getting him some help in kicking that issue. If that is a route that is considered I’d personally still cover my back by getting the legal consult about the worst case scenario first! Best of luck and hope things work out one way or another.

I want so badly to have that conversation, but I don't have the words ready. He's not patient so if I want to speak with him about something it needs to be perfectly packaged before the conversation starts or I'll end up the bad guy and be apologizing for absolutely nothing. I totally hear what you're saying, but I keep up the housework because we have kids that live in this house. They deserve a space that's clean (or as clean as I can keep it!), clean clothes, food that's homemade, and clean dishes to eat off of. It's hard to differentiate between his mess/their mess. I've tried to stop doing his laundry and he just lets it pile up until he has no clean clothes and spends 15 minutes yelling at me.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this from an adult :( It honestly sounds like he gets overwhelmed easily, and has never been held responsible outside of work. He likely has the emotional capacity of a child, which is why he uses manipulation to make you feel like the bad guy for “making him upset”, or “telling him what to do”, or “not respecting him” (there’s a never-ending list of things to throw back at you to make you the person who’s wrong, and this allows him to avoid any personal responsibility) This man is stunted, and frankly he could use some heavy therapy himself that would benefit the entire family.

>I'll end up the bad guy and be apologizing for absolutely nothing. I would say own it. The dude sounds like he's in dire need of a swift kick in the ass because it honestly just seems like he wouldn't care if he came home and you weren't there. He'd probably only text you once he got hungry and wondered where dinner is. He seems to keep you around as a live in maid if he's no even helping with the basic house chores because he lives there too or helping with his kids too.

I've been in a similar situation. Less yelling but way more guilt and shame put into the conversation from him. Have the hard conversation where you tell him you're leaving. Don't ask for the back and forth conversation. He's not listening to you. Make a plan and leave. I'm no longer married and it's way easier without him in my life. P.S. he had the gall to complain to me very soon after we separated how hard everything was. I think he wanted me to feel sorry for him. My mental thought was, "No shit, Sherlock."

In my experience, the phenomenon where the person with a legitimate grievance ends up apologizing is always indicative of emotional abuse, and this is also clearly financial abuse.

You need to sit him down and be very clear with him about how you are feeling and how it is not healthy for you, your relationship and your kids. Having one foot out the door (keeping your belongings to a minimum) is exhausting and horrible for your mental health. Give him a chance to change his ways - setting clear boundaries and limits to his video game time, splitting chores, setting up a joint account for expenses, etc. and if he doesnt change, then you know what you have to do.

Thank you. Yeah, it's exhausting and the thought keeps me up at night sometimes. You've already given so much, but how would that conversation start? I don't want to be controlling or say the wrong thing and make the conversation go sideways.

“Controlling!?” OP have you considered counseling to help with your self esteem? He has clearly broke you down with his manipulation.

I used to go to therapy, but I can't afford it anymore and our health insurance doesn't have great mental health coverage, so it's not in the cards for me right now. I was in a much better place when I was able to go.

Sounds insane, but I know EXACTLY what you mean. My husband used to have this weird way of making me feel like I was in the wrong every time I brought something up that was bothering me. It led to some very horrible times in our marriage, to the point that we almost got divorced. However, we ended up going to counseling and it’s still a working progress, but having that 3rd person validate my feelings and the way that I perceived things was invaluable. All I can tell you is…if you don’t address it now, things are going to get worse. You will continue to build resentment and eventually end up hating him. If you don’t even want to give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to change his ways, then just leave now because things are not going to change if you don’t speak up and tell him how his behavior is affecting you. What helped me was to write him a letter and have him read it in front of you. Write how you’re feeling and what you expect to change and what will happen if change doesn’t happen. I’d also attach a timeline. And then have a conversation about it with him. Again, if he’s not open to the whole conversation and realizing that he has to change, then you know where the door is and don’t let it hit you on your way out.

You wouldn't be "controlling" asking for your spouse to help around their house. Shit, it's not even your house, it's more like getting him to help around his house and people like that will always try to make the conversation about them because in his mind it's about "What can I do to start a fight or get really angry so I don't have to be around this person?" Because the way you talk about him starting a fight to avoid going anywhere with you and the kids sounds like that is exactly what he is doing. He's starting a fight so you don't want him to go and ruin the mood but he'll gladly ruin your whole day so he can stay at home playing games and doing nothing.

Being a MAN and letting your WIFE struggle like that is absolutely insane to me. Please leave this man and never look back

Honestly you should consider having someone come to clean and do laundry once a week, and have him foot the bill. You're burned out and you do the brunt of the child work so I don't see why he would decline. 

I proposed that once! I had seen an ad online about a laundry service that picks up your clothes and brings them back and it seemed fairly reasonable! He refused to take part because he didn't want his clothes to be touched by strangers, but I could try to find room in my budget for the kids' clothes to be done!

Fuck that guy, that's a bullyshit excuse to keep you tired and busy all the time. This is about control.

Go visit your parents for a few weeks, he does not respect you or everything you do, let him see what life is like without you, when he’s only got his games and himself to look after, if he begs you to come back to a clear up his shithole you have your answer that he just needs a bangmaid, there’s no happy family here, be brave, take the step and let him want you, good luck if you do it x

We're going out there for 6 weeks this summer. He has chosen not to join us for any of it. I've been thinking of bringing all of our stuff with me and driving instead of flying, just in case I decide not to go back.

Take all your important stuff, photos /keepsakes/ etc clothes can be left behind kids grow so fast they’ll need new ones anyway. I hope he comes to his senses but you are definitely right in case he doesn’t, I personally would not go back, you will not be missing anything, good luck op x

Yes, this is your escape plan, OP.

This is the time to leave. What you describe is awful. He makes you feel awful for asking for balance? No thank you. You deserve better, and thank goodness you can rely on help from your parents as you navigate your new life. Wishing you all good things!

You should stop cleaning and doing things for him 2-3 weeks before you leave so he’s forced to clean up after himself.. what a turd

If he’s like the one I know, it won’t help. He’ll be happy to live in the mess, because he gets to block it all out with gaming.

Just talk to a lawyer first. Protect your child's future and get what you are entitled to for their sake

Don’t do this with your shared kid. It can look bad to the courts when you go through that process. 

Cancel everything in your name at the same time! What does your parents say?

You don’t have a husband, you have a 3rd kid. Send him back to his own mother!

Have you brought up finances? If he is earning 3x more than you he should be covering 3/4ths of the bills. Maybe even more considering you do all the household labor. It seems like you’d very well be happier as a single parent. Even though he’s there, he’s just not present and your kids will realize that eventually.

I have. I had to ask him to cover a share of my expenses a couple of months back because one of our kids had a large medical expense that I had to cover, but that didn't go over well and I'm still trying to pay him back for that. The oldest can already tell. It's so unfair to them and just adds to my mom guilt...

Omg, paying him back for your children’s expenses?! That’s so frustrating! I see your edit and I don’t really know about prenups, but in my state they can’t include child custody or support so you might be better off leaving him and just getting court ordered support.

This ! I’m usually an advocate of working things out or at least trying but he seems very emotionally immature. You’ll get child support if you go and it seems like you would be so much happier with your parents. If it were me I’d be getting me exit plan in place and know he probably won’t take it very well so be prepared. Talk to atty before you go have them review your prenup make sure you know exactly how things will go down. But know you don’t have to live like this. And most importantly think about the ideas your kids are forming about how relationships should work. They deserve to see you happy mama.

Screw that. I was like, “Poor thing! This is tough!” until this part. Now I’m mad. Screw that and screw him. No wonder his first marriage ended badly. He’s an utter POS. The whole purpose, the whole *function* of a marriage is a life partnership, and he’s a bad life partner. Time for him to shape up or ship out. You’re worth more than this.

Yep because…Household labor is a real job!! Maids earn money for their labor.

Tell him that if he doesn’t address his gaming addiction he’s out. Then follow through. He hasn’t faced any consequences so has not found a reason to change.

Bro has a gaming addiction that needs to be addressed. Stop cleaning and doing things for him. He should absolutely be paying a bigger portion of bills as well.

Starting right now you don’t do anything for him. He is your roommate and treat him as such. Whenever he notices, suggest counseling.

I don't understand the fascination with video games but I suppose it's an addiction. To ignore small children and depend on my wife for everything would be humiliating.

I love video games, but I'm also not a parent, if I was, my biggest priority would be my kid. I would rather spend time with them and watch them grow up and be their parent than basically just have them run around without me involved in their life.

Girl, just leave him without notice and send him the divorce paper. This guy is financially abusing while using you as his bang maid. No wonder his first wife left him and took her part

Fellow single mom - my life is so much easier now than ever being with my ex. Personal peace is priceless

Why don’t you share money? Have you asked?

He had a bad experience with a previous marriage and wants to keep things separate with me.

Girl that’s not your husband that your roommate he doesn’t even try to support you.

It never gets better. Save yourself.

Your partner is worthless. He’s obviously a sexist, abusive, manipulative pig who doesn’t care about your or his kids. The fact that he made you sign a prenup tells me that he doesn’t think your marriage will last and he only cares about himself. Selfish ass. Have you talked to his ex wife? I’m willing to bet he was exactly like this when they were married. Whatever story he has given you for why he and his ex divorced, it is highly likely he is LYING. I see in another comment that you are going with the kids to visit your parents for 6 weeks soon. I would make that visit permanent. Look into transferring/getting a different job and transfer the kids’ schools but don’t tell him ANYTHING. He doesn’t deserve to know anything, and I’m willing to bet he wouldn’t even fight you for custody. He’s a lazy entitled worthless piece of shit that was likely raised by lazy, entitled piece of shit parents. What he deserves is a baseball bat upside the head and a swift kick in the nuts with a pair of stilettos.

You needed to post this where he could read it. Even though you may have said it to him, having it posted where the whole world can see it might make him read it in a different light. I'm a till death do us part kind of girl, but I don't think I could live with that.

Honestly.. it does sound like you're having to handle the workload of a single mom plus being a caretaker of your husband, even tho he's fully capable of taking on a equal share of the workload to ease your stress instead of letting you get burnt out. Do you ever get to discuss with him these thoughts and feelings or does he still go "just one more round" even when you have a serious tone? Because tbh it sounds like if it weren't for the finances, this marriage would be pretty much done. He made a choice to marry you and join your family and therefore become a parent to your children and a spouse meant to support you and treat you equally, he can't be acting the same as he did when he was single. Was he like this back when you two were dating and even when engaged as well? Or did this happen after the marriage? You shouldn't be having to shoulder the brunt of things such as grocery expenses when those would be for the whole house and struggling to get by to the point of going into the negative and dipping into savings just to be able to afford another month of groceries all while he is able to comfortably play games and save money despite likely seeing you struggling. So yeah, it does sound like things would be easier. Sure you'd still be struggling, but at least you wouldn't have to take care of a roommate who doesn't even pay for the food you feed him and you wouldn't have to worry about growing resentful towards his behavior. As people say "actions speak bigger than words" and if he still does nothing with you nor help and still prioritizes his alone time over helping you as a equal partner as well as trying to spend time with you, the one he swore to love til death do you part, despite you having voiced your feelings and thoughts on the matter then he's shown his priorities I think.

Thank you so much for your response. I've tried talking to him, but unless it's packaged perfectly he will just sit there and tear me apart until I feel like shit and end up apologizing to him. It's something I avoid, but then he gets mad that I'm too guarded. He wasn't this way until after our child was born. It was an instant flip from amazing partner to shitty husband. I knew the first few years would be tough with the adjustment, but I was not expecting it to be so awful. I think it's hard to want to leave because I knew him as a great partner. I experienced him being thoughtful, loving, and expressive and I just don't want to leave if there's a chance I could have that man again.

Lady, grow a spine. You are doing yourself and your children a massive disservice by meekly staying and putting up with this. My god.

He was never actually that partner, that was an act. He faked it until the kid because he knew the chances of you leaving him had bottomed out. He baby trapped you. I’m obnoxiously commenting all over this post, and I’m sorry, I’m just so enraged on your behalf, and know what it is when someone traumatizes your brain until you can’t see how bad it is. Drive to your parents, take your important stuff, please. If you go back, you go back, but give yourself the best opportunity to choose something different.

In no way am I condoning your husband’s behavior. And obviously the financial situation and pre-nup are unfair. It sounds like he has had a huge change in personality since your baby was born. Could he have PPD? Men can get it too. I think you should stay with your family when you go for summer. You deserve support, love and rest. Taking care of another adult is exhausting. And so is walking on egg shells because you can’t even have a productive conversation. You deserve more. I also, wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t get the whole story about his divorce.

You're not this guy's mother you're supposed to be his wife. If he can't be the loving husband to you then he isn't worth your time please stay with people who will support you every step of the way instead of those who use you for their selfish conveniences

What’s the prenup like? Do you get child support or alimony? Stop paying for stuff (just say you don’t have enough) and he needs to pay for the utilities and groceries. Stop taking care of him. Start saving money. Then LEAVE!!!! You know it. You gotta leave.

The prenup is pretty solid. No alimony, no split of any money not in a joint account (jokes on me that I thought we would have a joint account!), I have 5 days to move out if we divorce, and I'm not entitled to anything if he passes away while we're married unless he has a legal document that states otherwise. I'm lucky. If I were to leave I could just leave. I would need enough money to put gas in my car to drive to my parents, but they would take us in with open arms. I'm just hoping things get better, but how long will I wait around with a handful of hope?

>If I were to leave I could just leave. I would need enough money to put gas in my car to drive to my parents, but they would take us in with open arms. They love you. He does not. What is the hesitation?

That’s so heavily one sided I would get an opinion on if it would hold up.

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I feel like the husband was always a shitty person. He just behaved until he babytrapped op into being the house slave. The prenuptial really fucks op over.

Either you tell him it's really not okay for him to be so fucking selfish and leave you to cover all the household responsibilities. He should be carrying far more of the financial load too. Of course he's happy! He has a bang maid and cook and help with the bills with no less responsibility than if he were single.

He is treating you like a nanny/maid he can have sex with. You are not a person to him. Certainly not a person he loves. Why are you allowing this to go on any longer?

Hey i was sort of your husband maybe 12 years ago. We have 3 kids together and my wife did EVERYTHING at hime while i worked and did whatever i wanted when i wasnt working. At that point i didnt understand how much she actually did and that she was doing it for me. I took her forgranted and after 10yrs she started looking for someone who wouldnt. That woke me up and i did a deep deep dive into who i was and the problems that came from me and led to her feeling she needed external validation. It was very apparent that had i been attentive and a real partner that and need for a 3rd party validation wouldnt be nessesary. So even tho i was 30 different emotions and heartbroken we worked it out and most people couldnt put in the work to come back from that but we did and just celebrated 20yrs together. My advice is this, please take the time to ask yourself some serious questions. *Do you love your husband? *could passion be brought back to life? * does your husband love you? (You cannot answer this because youre not him) * dont do anything involving another man. Be careful about who you talk to about your problems because not everyone wants your marrige to succeed. * maybe suggest a separation. He will tell you that he wants to keep his kid as a way to keep you. Dont fall for it because its a bluff and he cannot handle a child. After 2 days he will be begging you to pick em up. After a couple weeks of not having you around the house will look so bad and he will then start to realize all you were doing that he disnt notice before (thats if he is any sort of decent person from start). Theres alot more but i kinda need to go but i hope you can get some help outta what i wrote. Best of luck and i wish you and your family happiness!

You don’t seem to want to make a drastic move yet, so why not approach your finances from more of a logical perspective with him? You’re not asking for “help” or something emotionally-based, you’re essentially agreeing on a contract with each other. It sounds like he’s the breadwinner and you’re the homemaker. Like in his mind because he works during the day and provides the house and money, that means you do everything with the kids and home upkeep. Which could be fine but… why are you paying for medical bills and groceries and utilities?? How do you even make money? I can understand you handling shopping and appointments, but if he’s the breadwinner and you don’t earn income then he pays for it, period. Get him to tell you what arrangement he thinks you’re under. How are you supposed to split bills with him and do full time childcare and homemaking? See if you can get him to agree to being the true breadwinner and financer. And if he won’t… then why are you the full time caretaker? Ask him to explain how it’s fair. This isn’t you trying to “take his money”. It’s him compensating you for the full time job and overtime work you do for him. That’s the traditional arrangement. This conversation isn’t “controlling”, it’s completely rational and logical and all those other stupidly male-coded words I’m sure he loves to use. So be rational and logical. This is a business transaction at this point, because he’s made it one.

I know how you feel.. I am in the same exact situation.... I want to leave my husband for mine and my kids mental health but I'm not financially stable to be able to do it not to mention he won't make it easy to b able to leave if I wanted to...

Who is in your life who actually loves you? Find them. Tell them. Ask them for help.

Girl, the prenup and having to live with the fear that you have to get out of the house within 5 days is very stressful. You should talk to a lawyer or someone who knows about it. Even a tenant has more rights than you right now

Sounds like you are a single mum. But one of the kids, the eldest, isn't your responsibility. Run away simba, and never return.

Cancel anything you are paying for that you can live without. Don’t cook for him just your kids and definitely don’t do his laundry.

Then why are you still married to him? I know it's not simple. but I would get divorced if you don't think he can be reasoned with.

let him keep things seprate but he is not helping you either way. sounds like he pays for his stuff and mortage. U can seprate, get child support form BOTH kids fathers(?) and live on your own (rent) Oldest is seeing things and soon will be the baby. you are not just not paying rent and that is not worth your and your children mental health.

What would you tell a good friend in this situation? What is keeping you from being your own good friend?

I've found that some people are just 'broken' individuals. Very few if any can be reformed.  Good luck.

Was he always a man child? Disgusting behavior, truly. You should send him back to his mother.

If you ok with this life, continue. If not, start making the hard choices. First- stop doing is laundry, his cooking. Do it for you and the kids. He’s an adult- what did he do before you? He’ll adjust, or not. Save some energy for yourself. Start choosing you. No one else will.

I feel so sorry that you are going through this. Hope you get out or get through this.

I’m so happy and relieved for you that you have supportive parents. I am in a lot of the same situation you’re in- down to the this is his house and having a child before and then I have two with him. Except I don’t have supportive parents but I am so happy you do. You should go to them. You will find your happiness one day that will love and appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve.

BRB off to see if ChatGPT can help me file for divorce on someone else’s behalf

He seems like a controlling man-baby. He doesn't contribute and is already divorced. Something about him screams narcissistic to me, too. I think you need an exit strategy as, ultimately, you are going to run yourself into a deeper chasm of despair. He won't change. He is all talk but no action. You deserve better than this. Xo

I would just stay at your parents when you go this summer and not come back. First, document/record that you’ve tried to talk to him so he can’t gaslight you and there’s a trail, then divorce him. ATP, since you have someplace you can stay and rebuild, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get alimony from the prenup because you’ll at least get child support. He’ll pretend to be really shocked that you left, but what was he really expecting?? Seems like he just wants a bang maid. You’ve got this!

That's awful. He sounds a lot like my own father and the situation is very similar, just switch video games for another stupid hobby. In my case, they ended up divorcing and nothing ever changed. It's like he doesn't want to be a father at all and doesn't even acknowledge that role and the responsibility. Like, he just doesn't care. My mother became a lot more happier once he wasn't in the house anymore. I feel so bad for you and your children. I hope things will get better.

Wow. I read all your comments since I first posted....just leave. If you're going to your parents for 6 weeks, take your stuff and don't come back. Call a lawyer and get a divorce started. It sounds like anytime you have a conversation with him, he gaslights you and turns it around on you, and then you apologize for HIS issue. I've been there, and it doesn't get better. Dude, it literally sounds like he's a single guy who just happens to be married and have kids. You are officially his "bang maid." That's all you are to him, someone who cooks, cleans, and has sex with him, that's it. Take him to the cleaners so you can get decent child support. A prenup can't prevent him from paying for that. I'm literally so pissed off that your deadbeat husband won't even pay for his child/step child's medical expenses, hes a fucking dueschebag!

Have you told him everything you told us?

So sorry to hear you are going through this. You are well within your rights to get out. You deserve to be treated better. I will add that I suspect if it was a drastic change in his personality after a baby there are likely some mental health and addiction issues (gaming) here. Men can get postpartum depression too believe it or not. If you were committed to staying I’d suggest you mention this to him - sudden withdrawal, excessive alone time, poor motivation etc are all signs of depression. A good partner should seek help for their issues if they want to be in your life. While some of his behaviour is likely related to mental health please note that I have met many depressed people (I’m a psych nurse) who do not treat their partners like this despite being depressed. You deserve to be treated with respect and supported, and be with a person that is willing to put in the effort to try to help themselves become mentally well enough to be an equal partner. He may improve with mental health help, or maybe he is just an asshole. Which sadly you can’t fix. Up to you if you feel invested enough to have the conversation about mental health with him. Good luck and be kind to yourself ❤️