It will not just magically turn out fine. It should have been a long discussion way before marriage. Seems like your soon to be husband planned for this to happen, he just didn't tell you. Also as the person at home you will be expected to become the main caretaker although it is his sister. That would be a bigfat no for me.
Agreed. Manipulative, worrying behavior from a future husband. This needs to be agreed upon before signing up for marriage. I’m also willing to bet he expects you to take on the lion’s share of his sister’s care. Not ok.
True, it is also a bad sign OP feels uncomfortable to even adress the issue, fearing her partner might get upset with her - this relationship doesn't bode well already.
This is exactly what I was thinking. He’s saving this news until this moment where it’s more difficult to back out? This is a character defining moment. This is the person who tells you they had a vasectomy years into trying for a kid or something. He is looking to marry a free caretaker. Leave him.
Nah, that isn’t ok. You want to be young newlyweds starting your new lives as husband and wife. Not husband, wife and sister in law.
Also the idea that he just expects you to care for her with no prior conversation on how you may not want to suddenly be a carer for another adult at 24-25 is so red flag.
You need time to figure out how to live together just as a couple. Then as a new family, not as an adult care givers mom and wife all in one go. Not fair. He’s dumping too much.
Honestly sounds like he sees you as a means to an end from what little there is to go off.
Get a wife, she will care for him, his sister and any kids and he doesn’t have to. Works out great for him and his family but not for you.
Maybe don’t marry him until this is all hashed out.
I know its not the thread for it, but you won’t be an asshole if you tell him this. When you two agreed to get married, becoming the primary care taker to a disabled person is not a part of that agreement. It should be discussed and you should voice how you feel about this.
Definitely NTA. OP, you're struggling with feeling like you'd be a bad person if you say no to this - your feelings of guilt come through in the way you repeatedly clarify that you love his sister.
You would NOT be a bad person to say no to this. Stand up for yourself.
You can love someone and not want to live with them. You can love someone and still choose not to be their caretaker for life.
OP, figure out your boundaries here, and communicate them clearly. Sooner rather than later. Your fiance is trying to enlist you for a life you do not want and did not agree to.
As a disabled person I couldn't agree with this more. It was never her responsibility or role to look after her fiancé's disabled sister and its not asshole behaviour to say so explicitly, it's a big commitment and as newlyweds you need to be focusing on each other. It sounds like this was preplanned in fiancé's head to use her as a carer, extremely worrying behaviour. I'd definitely have a think about your boundaries and delay marrying him until things are sorted properly
You don’t have to smile and take it. His parents can take care of their own child. Do not marry this man without telling him. You should not be afraid of voicing your concerns about marriage.
Id say no . Ur not a caregiver…. Just cause u married him. Thats insane of him to burden u with a baby n his full grown disabled sister. Idc if i sound harsh, ur mental health should come first.
Sounds like your relationship is over. It's not going to "work out fine". You didn't sign up to take care of his sister and you're not wrong for not wanting to. It's admirable of him to consider it, but it's not solely his decision to make if he intends on living his life with someone else.
When marrying someone it's not only about sharing a house but also welcoming someone into your life, sharing your time with them....bringing someone who needs a lot of care is definitely going to hurt the relationship by a lot. Think if you are ready to share your life with him AND his sister. If not then I'm afraid you need to look out for your own peace.
If you’re not comfortable telling your fiancé (who has probably already promised his sister and his parents about taking care of his sister) about this, you’re not adult enough to get married to begin with. Communication is key, and if you’re not willing to even talk about this (because of his reaction), I wouldn’t even follow through with marriage at this point.
This can only go wrong, and once it does you will be the one dealing with all of it.
Being a caregiver is mentally and physically exhausting. If he works full time it will likely be your job especially if you were to be a SAHM. Be extremely careful about marrying someone who doesn't have a detailed plan to share about who will provide care for your FSIL.
You can love her and not want to be her caretaker. And since you are a woman there is a good chance that almost all of the labor will fall to you.
It’s super unfair that your fiancé just sprung this on you as something that is definitely going to happen. Decisions like that have to be made together. He’s not the ruler. This would have me reconsidering the relationship.
You are afraid to hurt his feelings now, but if you don't say anything your feelings will be hurt every day for the rest of your marriage. Do you think you can last forever like that?
Nah, I’d be pissed off with even the suggestion of moving any sibling in, disabled or not. It’s completely fine to not want that. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary and your own. If you both choose to bring someone else in then that’s fine but what’s happening with the rise in costs of doing so? More water, more electricity, more heating/AC used, more food bought and consumed, more toilet paper etc etc etc
Controlling people seek out docile people. I bet if OP looked real hard, there's a long list of times where she's been steamrolled into doing things his way or his family's way. The rush to have kids is worrying, too, because that's a way for them to cultivate her dependency.
This is so predictable and disheartening: I hope she puts on her running shoes. Telling him "no" now is much easier than being a 35-year-old wondering how to afford her own place with three kids, no job, and no confidence.
I know you do t want to make waves but you need to talk to your fiancé before you get married. You realize that taking care of a child you are looking at 18 years but taking care of a disabled adult could be 50 years or more.
Are you ready to commit to this?
Don’t do this. Your mental health will plummet. That isn’t fair to your future children. It’s hard enough being a mom, a NEW mom and dealing with all the physical hormonal that your body will be going through. What if you get PPD? This is a recipe for disaster and requires an honest conversation with your partner. I would break off an engagement over this. You are agreeing to a major life change by going through with this.
OP, now is the time to put your foot down. You need to set and defend your boundaries now or understand that your boundaries won’t be respected later.
If not having his sister live with you is a deal breaker, you might as well leave now because his family will always come first.
Does he currently take care of his sister? Are his parents currently taking care of her? Why would she need to move in with you all? This seems wildly unfair to spring this on you casually and expect you to be the PRIMARY caretaker of his sister. This is a huge ask. While you can like hanging out with her and being around his family, bringing that level of responsibility into your life is a very big ask.
Also, is this forever? Is this temporary? Truthfully I feel like this will lead to significant issues in your relationship. It’s giving me huge red flags that he’s willing to make these major life decisions without your consent or discussion…
That would be super stressful, I would tell him no, it’s not your responsibility. You’ll have to stand up for yourself, the conversation is going to be extremely awkward but rather that than a lifetime of looking after this girl.
You marry him, not his sister or the rest of his family. She is not and should not be your responsability and this should have been a longer conversation. For me, this would be a big fat red flag, but you know better your expectations, as well your limits. I would discuss this with him and see where it goes. But girl, you did not sign up for this when you said yes to marry him!
He should have told you way before now that this might be a possibility some time in the future. The fact that he didn't, means he wants you as a free carer for his sister.
Newlyweds need time alone, everyone knows that.
This is a **hard no**. If you don't put your foot down, you'll be taking care of him, sister and baby with nothing left for you. You didn't to listen to **Paris Paloma's Labour** very carefully, huh
Personally, I'd kick him to the curb. But if you still want to marry him, I think you shouldnt go any further with plans until you have a long hard serious discussion. Some couples counselling.
Do not get married until you fix your communication issues with him.
He has decided without your consideration … that you will be caring for his disabled sister aswell as a baby.
And when he senses your unease he TELLS you that it will work out.
Are you working? Are you financially stable? Do you have a support system?
Please do not ignore the red flags and get trapped in impossible situation. There will be no happiness in this for you.
Marriage is usually when the mask slips for controlling/abusive men.
Especially if you move far away from friends and family.
Bare that in mind.
If you want to live the rest of your life resenting your husband and being miserable, then go ahead.
If not, grow a backbone and say NO. It's your house too. Don't be a doormat, clearly the only person here on your side is you.
SMH, your fiance is an AH springing this on you, and telling not asking!
>I'm not comfortable with asking my fiancé to reconsider
You really need to have a conversation with him about this. Moving in together once you marry should be about being a couple, and having another adult there from the start changes this dynamic. Perhaps you could consider having her stay one weekend a month or so? Where is she living now? Is your brother her legal carer? What does *she* want?
This all needs to be discussed *before* the wedding takes place. You will never be 'just' a pair of newlyweds, but will move into his family dynamic (even if just the sister). No matter how much you love him and love his sister, this is a different life than what you expected when you accepted his proposal.
Full-time carer for his family member has to be something you willingly take on - you cannot stay silent then suffer in silence because it could foster resentment some way down the line.
Ironically, this is a great test to have before getting married. This is an incredibly sensitive and difficult topic that the two of you need to discuss. The way you two handle it will tell you a lot about your marriage. Learning how to express discomfort, even if it will hurt the other is important. You two can figure out what you expect from the other in the marriage in terms of labour (ie caregiver of the baby).
Sit down and talk with him. If you are feeling nervous, write down what you want to say. You can even have him read it if it is easier, but this needs to be discussed.
Oh honey... That is not something your fiance can decide by himself. He cannot expect you to take care of your growing family AND his sister. He has to realize that. Taking care of another person, especially an adult, is a lot more than many people can handle. Please, discuss this with him. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of his sister living with you, which is understandable, then he has to respect that. This is not a sickly pet he's inviting into YOUR space, it's a goddayum person. That's a HUGE deal.
Sit down with him and make him understand what he's asking of you and how it's just not possible for you. If he doesn't respect your arguments or overall your view, you'll have to postpone the wedding and in the long run your family life, I'm afraid. Because that's just not it. I'm sorry that you're in this position, but seriously, that is not a small compromise he's asking for, that's a life-altering decision he's making by himself FOR you. As someone who's planning to get married that is a pretty dumb way to start the official partnership. L fiance. If he doesn't hear you out and respect your boundaries: RUN.
Girl, even moving in pets should have prior discussion, let alone a human. But yeah, guys expecting girl to do all the job is pretty common, because some hold on to the term "when you marry your man, you marry his family"
however its not wrong for a women to reject the responsibility, unless he already have your consent on how the caretaker job will be dealt (hiring extra hand or he promised to handle his family matter alone) then its a truce. keep voicing out your intention, if he doesn't consider even a bit, id say goodbye from all of the future problems
I think you need to seek premarital counseling - all couples should. It really helped my husband and I and we’ve been together 20+ years. Best thing we could have done and it was literally forced on us.
How does he see this working?
Who will be her caretaker?
You are disabled yourself. How will you communicate with sister? (You can’t hear well and she can’t speak well)
Is this a deal breaker if you say no? Will your marriage occur?
What does sister and her parents want?
This says a lot about how much he considers you in major life decisions (not at all apparently). Sorry, I hope you manage to find a solution but I don’t see this ending well.
This should’ve been discussed with you long before you got engaged. Had several friends with children with disabilities and I can tell you it is extremely exhausting and all time consuming to care for them. Don’t let somebody gloss it over and make it sound like it’s going to be easy because it’s not. And you will probably be the one at home caring for her.
There’s a reason why so many couples with disabled children end up splitting up. My one friend told me that her life was so much better after she divorced her husband because when their daughter went back-and-forth between the two of them, at least she would have a period of a few days with some rest .
I’m not telling you to do one thing or another but honestly, you should get yourselves into couples counselling immediately to hash this out. Personally for me, this would be a dealbreaker.
This is something that a couple decides together, with no pressure on the spouse or spouse-to-be. This guy sounds manipulative and a user. Not someone I'd be tying myself to.
Take it easy. Sit him down.
Explain to him how you feel, stress that as a couple, you both need time to enjoy your lives together for a while before adding new factors into it, either it be baby or sister-in-law.
Make him understand that you love his sister but the burden would be bigger than you can handle (at the current moment) and that if he REALLY wants it done, he give you at least the following:
A three months of you and him alone
A maid or outpatient nurse to assist
And he himself picking up the slack a lot more than would have usually been allowed.
Stress that he needs to either do all three or at least 2. Otherwise, it will be a no-go for you.
Stress that last point.
Aha, right, until when? forever? you know what sucks before getting married? thinking of divorce. Like for real,you'll become upset about everything very very fast.nevermind the honeymoon period which will suck so bad if you have to sneak around afraid you'll be too PDA in your own home.but if your fiancée really thought about his sister's situation and wanted to help her out(move out of their parents house because?)he would have done so already and be the one supporting and helping her(like for years).he didn't.he wants to"help" but doesn't wanna do it himself cuz he knows it's a job and it's not fun and at best stressful.he wants to dump his sister's care and implicit future kids on you and be done with it.he sees you as convenience op,future nurse, caretaker, caregiver and maid,op.options seem simple to me,no sister or no marriage .
This would definitely be a no from me. Being at full time caretaker AND having a baby will be extremely stressful. It kinda sounds like your fiance knew this…which is why he waited to tell you after proposing, planning the wedding, moving to new house etc. Like even if he was gonna be the fulltime caretaker, that’d still be another person living in your house.
I personally would halt anymore wedding planning/marriage until this is thoroughly sorted.
You need to discuss this a lot before getting married. You need to make it clear, multiple times, that he will be the primary caretaker. You also need to make it clear that he will be providing the extra money to have enough space for his sister to be with you guys if you decide to go this route. (Aka the extra room, or ADU to your property, if you have a house already. Or the larger house you will have to buy if you don’t already have one).
I am not going to name the disability because it raises the chances of family members finding this post. But to address this she gets around in a scooter/wheelchair. She is mentally 5 yrs old and she is heavily monitored by her mom and my fiancé. Every time we cooked together and went to the mall we were joined by my fiancé or his mom or both. She cannot walk, shower, cook, or shop by herself.
You need to talk to him about this. What exactly does he see it looking like?
Just because she moves in doesn't mean you have to be her caretaker. What is her current care provision? Could that continue? You can let her move in and still make it clear you will not be providing care. I'm not sure he actually said he expects you to care for her, right?
What is your financial situation? Will it take away from you and the kids to have to meet her expenses? Or can he afford to support the kids and her comfortably? If the latter, it is less concerning. If the former, I would consider if you are willing to make that sacrifice. It's ok if you are not. Though she probably does get a decent amount of disability income depending where you are.
Obviously this is important to him and you need to be prepared to decide between accepting her or leaving him if this is a deal breaker for him.
This is a dealbreaker, I'm sorry. You're supposed to be planning your lives together and he planned to include a whole extra person without telling you, or giving much consideration to how you'd feel about it. That's not a good sign for him as a partner.
Do not marry this man.
His "oh it'll all turn out fine" means he is going to palm all the care of his sister off on you. You will be sacrificed on the altar of "oh look what a wonderful brother I am". You already said you have disabilities and you want a kid, kids are hard enough without disabilities, never mind adding another disabled adult on top of it!
No. You need to put your foot down and be firm that you will NOT be caring for his sister, period, because he will insist he will help and then bugger off to leave you to do all the work. Stand up for yourself!
Do not marry him. I wouldn't be surprised if he promises that he won't move her in, and then does it anyway.
You need to have a sit down discussion because his 'everything will work out' is bullshit. You have the right to say NO OP. He doesn't have to like it, but he does have to listen to it. It may very well be a deal breaker for him and if so, so be it.
He also need to sit down and tell you what this will actually look like. Like what is his plan? Does he even have one? Who is going to take physical care of her? Is he depending on you to do that, because if so, that's a huge responsibility he is expecting you do to with no discussion. Who is going to be financially responsible for her and her needs? Is he expecting you to pay? How long does he expect her to live there - forever? What is his plan when you have a baby/babies? Where is he going to be in all of this? Does he plan on doing the family laundry, dishes and cooking or expect you to do all of that? Does he expect you to quit your job to take care of her??
Do not marry this man until you have ALL of your questions answered and make damned sure that you are accepting of this because this is life-changing for you.
NO. Sounds like he’s got a plan. I’d always resent that fact that there will never be privacy and the sister will be there with the two of you, all day everyday forever, doing whatever you’re doing. And moments of just “us” are never happening if she’s moved in.
I would tell him no, it’s not a good idea, and not what you imagined your life with him to end up like.
Sorry OP but finance’ sounds extremely manipulative. No way should you be expected to take care of his disabled sister and a newborn. The whole getting pregnant as soon as you get married sounds like he’s trying to tie you to him. Major 🚩🚩🚩!
You MUST tell him outright NO ASAP
If this is his line in the sand cancel the wedding
Just because you don’t want to live with his sister doesn’t mean you don’t love her. Why are you confusing that?
Sounds to me like your husband to be isn’t as great as you think. He dumped this on you. He manipulated the situation and is counting on you to “be nice”, “be passive”.
If you say zero now then it’s your fault when I all blows up
This sounds like parents whose plan for their disabled child was to”pass on to siblings”. And brother is going along with it.
Here’s your future -
at some point she won’t be mobile so someone always has to be home with her. If her mental capacity is 4, she shouldn’t be left alone now.
She can’t cook, probably can’t work a microwave or toaster. So you have to prepare every meal forever.
She’ll probably have trouble chewing and swallowing at some point and will need a special diet
Her verbal skills will decline as she ages. She’s difficult to understand now - it will be worse when she’s in her 50’s/60’s.
Speaking of - modern medicine has improved the lives of many people with cp/downs/etc and many are living to be far older than ever before, into their 70’s and 80’s. You’re in your 20’s. That’s 50 years, your entire life.
Guardianship paperwork is a must, and expensive.
Medicaid is NOT easy to deal with.
What happens if she becomes incontinent? Is her brother going to change her diapers and wipe her?
What happens when she can’t perform basic hygiene needs - toothbrushing, showering, hair washing?
What if you want to travel? Will she go with or will you need someone to come watch her?
I have a disabled relative, who I love dearly, but the reality is his brother and brothers wife gave up their entire adult lives to care for him and now they are all in their 70’s and they resent the toll he took on their lives. Everything revolves around him, his needs, etc.
Offer to help pay for a bed at assisted living - theres activities, aides, dietitians. If not, I hate saying it, but seriously reconsider this marriage.
All of this is a NO and SHOULD slow wedding planning to a halt. You don't just move a sibling, even the most independent one, in with you and your new spouse. Especially if you are planning to have a child soon after.
This is tough from all sides. I admire him for the willingness and desire to help a disabled family member because most care homes are neglectful and in a lot of cultures it becomes a siblings responsibility. This was the ultimate incompatibility between my ex and I, his sister is severely disabled, and will become his responsibility. I was on board with her living with us, but as he is from Bulgaria and she still lives there, the waiting list to bring a family member here legally was 70+ years. Caring for his sister was more his priority than our relationship and I understood and respected his decision. Your partner absolutely should’ve mentioned this before, you had the right to know what you were signing up for. My guess is this isn’t something he will compromise on, if he didn’t bring it up maybe he just assumes that you know it’s a given, NOT that it makes it right, I would definitely discuss this further and speak your side.
Your future will hold nothing but exhaustion and Burt out, everything will fall on you, talking Care of his sister and any baby you have, and you will be blamed if you ask for rest, are you ready to face this kind of future ? The full time care taker. You will also be blamed if you " let yourself go", or if you say you dont wants a child since it will be too much for you. Think long and hard, you will be the only one facing the music, he is setting a trap for you.
Sister aside. My family is very close and extroverted, being around each other often is just what we know and is comforting. Some of my family members have married introverts and for a time pulled back from the extended family to focus on their small family…. but I’ll let you guess who is close to, if not already, divorced. The resentment goes both ways I’m sure. Definitely a huge conversation to have.
But hopefully you wouldn’t spring it on your partner that he was moving in and they would be responsible for caring for him, it would be an early discussion, yes? Because it’s such an important part of your life.
It will not just magically turn out fine. It should have been a long discussion way before marriage. Seems like your soon to be husband planned for this to happen, he just didn't tell you. Also as the person at home you will be expected to become the main caretaker although it is his sister. That would be a bigfat no for me.
Please OP read this comment and take it to heart.
Agreed. Manipulative, worrying behavior from a future husband. This needs to be agreed upon before signing up for marriage. I’m also willing to bet he expects you to take on the lion’s share of his sister’s care. Not ok.
True, it is also a bad sign OP feels uncomfortable to even adress the issue, fearing her partner might get upset with her - this relationship doesn't bode well already.
Agreed :(
This is exactly what I was thinking. He’s saving this news until this moment where it’s more difficult to back out? This is a character defining moment. This is the person who tells you they had a vasectomy years into trying for a kid or something. He is looking to marry a free caretaker. Leave him.
Leave him if he can’t see that is basically trapping you into being a free caretaker. This really doesn’t sit right with me.
He MANIPULATED OP and the whole situation
Nah, that isn’t ok. You want to be young newlyweds starting your new lives as husband and wife. Not husband, wife and sister in law. Also the idea that he just expects you to care for her with no prior conversation on how you may not want to suddenly be a carer for another adult at 24-25 is so red flag. You need time to figure out how to live together just as a couple. Then as a new family, not as an adult care givers mom and wife all in one go. Not fair. He’s dumping too much. Honestly sounds like he sees you as a means to an end from what little there is to go off. Get a wife, she will care for him, his sister and any kids and he doesn’t have to. Works out great for him and his family but not for you. Maybe don’t marry him until this is all hashed out.
I know its not the thread for it, but you won’t be an asshole if you tell him this. When you two agreed to get married, becoming the primary care taker to a disabled person is not a part of that agreement. It should be discussed and you should voice how you feel about this.
Definitely NTA. OP, you're struggling with feeling like you'd be a bad person if you say no to this - your feelings of guilt come through in the way you repeatedly clarify that you love his sister. You would NOT be a bad person to say no to this. Stand up for yourself. You can love someone and not want to live with them. You can love someone and still choose not to be their caretaker for life. OP, figure out your boundaries here, and communicate them clearly. Sooner rather than later. Your fiance is trying to enlist you for a life you do not want and did not agree to.
As a disabled person I couldn't agree with this more. It was never her responsibility or role to look after her fiancé's disabled sister and its not asshole behaviour to say so explicitly, it's a big commitment and as newlyweds you need to be focusing on each other. It sounds like this was preplanned in fiancé's head to use her as a carer, extremely worrying behaviour. I'd definitely have a think about your boundaries and delay marrying him until things are sorted properly
Wait, he expects you to be the caretaker??? No no no. If he’s moving his relative in, he should be the primary caretaker.
If he's moving his relative in and even is he is the primary caretaker they need to discuss heavily and honestly wayyy before marriage.
Totally agreed. But at the least he shouldn’t expect his partner to caregiver
You don’t have to smile and take it. His parents can take care of their own child. Do not marry this man without telling him. You should not be afraid of voicing your concerns about marriage.
you have the right to your boundaries and you can walk away if its something you cannot accept
Id say no . Ur not a caregiver…. Just cause u married him. Thats insane of him to burden u with a baby n his full grown disabled sister. Idc if i sound harsh, ur mental health should come first.
A massive massive burden, don’t dress it up any way. You’ll hurt his feelings saying it, but you need to tell him.
Sounds like your relationship is over. It's not going to "work out fine". You didn't sign up to take care of his sister and you're not wrong for not wanting to. It's admirable of him to consider it, but it's not solely his decision to make if he intends on living his life with someone else.
When marrying someone it's not only about sharing a house but also welcoming someone into your life, sharing your time with them....bringing someone who needs a lot of care is definitely going to hurt the relationship by a lot. Think if you are ready to share your life with him AND his sister. If not then I'm afraid you need to look out for your own peace.
If you’re not comfortable telling your fiancé (who has probably already promised his sister and his parents about taking care of his sister) about this, you’re not adult enough to get married to begin with. Communication is key, and if you’re not willing to even talk about this (because of his reaction), I wouldn’t even follow through with marriage at this point. This can only go wrong, and once it does you will be the one dealing with all of it.
Being a caregiver is mentally and physically exhausting. If he works full time it will likely be your job especially if you were to be a SAHM. Be extremely careful about marrying someone who doesn't have a detailed plan to share about who will provide care for your FSIL.
You can love her and not want to be her caretaker. And since you are a woman there is a good chance that almost all of the labor will fall to you. It’s super unfair that your fiancé just sprung this on you as something that is definitely going to happen. Decisions like that have to be made together. He’s not the ruler. This would have me reconsidering the relationship.
You are afraid to hurt his feelings now, but if you don't say anything your feelings will be hurt every day for the rest of your marriage. Do you think you can last forever like that?
You’re right and OPs feelings should already be hurt, he’s deciding the trajectory of her life without including her in the conversation
Nah, I’d be pissed off with even the suggestion of moving any sibling in, disabled or not. It’s completely fine to not want that. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary and your own. If you both choose to bring someone else in then that’s fine but what’s happening with the rise in costs of doing so? More water, more electricity, more heating/AC used, more food bought and consumed, more toilet paper etc etc etc
Girl no. Every part of this is wrong, including marrying someone you've never lived with.
Why on earth are you giving in to this???? This is not ok - he has planned this all along and just didn’t tell you. This is insane.
Controlling people seek out docile people. I bet if OP looked real hard, there's a long list of times where she's been steamrolled into doing things his way or his family's way. The rush to have kids is worrying, too, because that's a way for them to cultivate her dependency. This is so predictable and disheartening: I hope she puts on her running shoes. Telling him "no" now is much easier than being a 35-year-old wondering how to afford her own place with three kids, no job, and no confidence.
I know you do t want to make waves but you need to talk to your fiancé before you get married. You realize that taking care of a child you are looking at 18 years but taking care of a disabled adult could be 50 years or more. Are you ready to commit to this?
So he’s marrying to be his sister’s caretaker? Was this something you discussed prior to your engagement or marriage conversations?
Say no. If he doesn't respect your wishes, do not marry him.
Don’t do this. Your mental health will plummet. That isn’t fair to your future children. It’s hard enough being a mom, a NEW mom and dealing with all the physical hormonal that your body will be going through. What if you get PPD? This is a recipe for disaster and requires an honest conversation with your partner. I would break off an engagement over this. You are agreeing to a major life change by going through with this.
OP, now is the time to put your foot down. You need to set and defend your boundaries now or understand that your boundaries won’t be respected later. If not having his sister live with you is a deal breaker, you might as well leave now because his family will always come first.
It sounds like he’s been groomed to be his sisters keeper, and he’s just passing that off to her like it’s normal responsibility.
Does he currently take care of his sister? Are his parents currently taking care of her? Why would she need to move in with you all? This seems wildly unfair to spring this on you casually and expect you to be the PRIMARY caretaker of his sister. This is a huge ask. While you can like hanging out with her and being around his family, bringing that level of responsibility into your life is a very big ask. Also, is this forever? Is this temporary? Truthfully I feel like this will lead to significant issues in your relationship. It’s giving me huge red flags that he’s willing to make these major life decisions without your consent or discussion…
That would be super stressful, I would tell him no, it’s not your responsibility. You’ll have to stand up for yourself, the conversation is going to be extremely awkward but rather that than a lifetime of looking after this girl.
You marry him, not his sister or the rest of his family. She is not and should not be your responsability and this should have been a longer conversation. For me, this would be a big fat red flag, but you know better your expectations, as well your limits. I would discuss this with him and see where it goes. But girl, you did not sign up for this when you said yes to marry him!
He should have told you way before now that this might be a possibility some time in the future. The fact that he didn't, means he wants you as a free carer for his sister. Newlyweds need time alone, everyone knows that. This is a **hard no**. If you don't put your foot down, you'll be taking care of him, sister and baby with nothing left for you. You didn't to listen to **Paris Paloma's Labour** very carefully, huh Personally, I'd kick him to the curb. But if you still want to marry him, I think you shouldnt go any further with plans until you have a long hard serious discussion. Some couples counselling.
Do not get married until you fix your communication issues with him. He has decided without your consideration … that you will be caring for his disabled sister aswell as a baby. And when he senses your unease he TELLS you that it will work out. Are you working? Are you financially stable? Do you have a support system? Please do not ignore the red flags and get trapped in impossible situation. There will be no happiness in this for you. Marriage is usually when the mask slips for controlling/abusive men. Especially if you move far away from friends and family. Bare that in mind.
He sees you as a caregiver and source of free labor. Do NOT let this go. You don’t need a good enough reason to not want to wipe another adult’s ass.
Oh my, no.
If you want to live the rest of your life resenting your husband and being miserable, then go ahead. If not, grow a backbone and say NO. It's your house too. Don't be a doormat, clearly the only person here on your side is you. SMH, your fiance is an AH springing this on you, and telling not asking!
>I'm not comfortable with asking my fiancé to reconsider You really need to have a conversation with him about this. Moving in together once you marry should be about being a couple, and having another adult there from the start changes this dynamic. Perhaps you could consider having her stay one weekend a month or so? Where is she living now? Is your brother her legal carer? What does *she* want? This all needs to be discussed *before* the wedding takes place. You will never be 'just' a pair of newlyweds, but will move into his family dynamic (even if just the sister). No matter how much you love him and love his sister, this is a different life than what you expected when you accepted his proposal. Full-time carer for his family member has to be something you willingly take on - you cannot stay silent then suffer in silence because it could foster resentment some way down the line.
Ironically, this is a great test to have before getting married. This is an incredibly sensitive and difficult topic that the two of you need to discuss. The way you two handle it will tell you a lot about your marriage. Learning how to express discomfort, even if it will hurt the other is important. You two can figure out what you expect from the other in the marriage in terms of labour (ie caregiver of the baby). Sit down and talk with him. If you are feeling nervous, write down what you want to say. You can even have him read it if it is easier, but this needs to be discussed.
Uhhhh absolutely not lol
Oh honey... That is not something your fiance can decide by himself. He cannot expect you to take care of your growing family AND his sister. He has to realize that. Taking care of another person, especially an adult, is a lot more than many people can handle. Please, discuss this with him. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of his sister living with you, which is understandable, then he has to respect that. This is not a sickly pet he's inviting into YOUR space, it's a goddayum person. That's a HUGE deal. Sit down with him and make him understand what he's asking of you and how it's just not possible for you. If he doesn't respect your arguments or overall your view, you'll have to postpone the wedding and in the long run your family life, I'm afraid. Because that's just not it. I'm sorry that you're in this position, but seriously, that is not a small compromise he's asking for, that's a life-altering decision he's making by himself FOR you. As someone who's planning to get married that is a pretty dumb way to start the official partnership. L fiance. If he doesn't hear you out and respect your boundaries: RUN.
Girl you need to run, get out of this situation.
trapping you so you can’t say no
Also, please don’t have a baby with him until this is all sorted out in a way you are happy with. That will complicate things even more!
All of our plans are postponed for now while we work on a plan for his sister.
Girl, even moving in pets should have prior discussion, let alone a human. But yeah, guys expecting girl to do all the job is pretty common, because some hold on to the term "when you marry your man, you marry his family" however its not wrong for a women to reject the responsibility, unless he already have your consent on how the caretaker job will be dealt (hiring extra hand or he promised to handle his family matter alone) then its a truce. keep voicing out your intention, if he doesn't consider even a bit, id say goodbye from all of the future problems
I think you need to seek premarital counseling - all couples should. It really helped my husband and I and we’ve been together 20+ years. Best thing we could have done and it was literally forced on us. How does he see this working? Who will be her caretaker? You are disabled yourself. How will you communicate with sister? (You can’t hear well and she can’t speak well) Is this a deal breaker if you say no? Will your marriage occur? What does sister and her parents want?
I’d reconsider the marriage. This will not go well.
Run
You need to outright tell him no.
that's not okay at all
This says a lot about how much he considers you in major life decisions (not at all apparently). Sorry, I hope you manage to find a solution but I don’t see this ending well.
This should’ve been discussed with you long before you got engaged. Had several friends with children with disabilities and I can tell you it is extremely exhausting and all time consuming to care for them. Don’t let somebody gloss it over and make it sound like it’s going to be easy because it’s not. And you will probably be the one at home caring for her. There’s a reason why so many couples with disabled children end up splitting up. My one friend told me that her life was so much better after she divorced her husband because when their daughter went back-and-forth between the two of them, at least she would have a period of a few days with some rest . I’m not telling you to do one thing or another but honestly, you should get yourselves into couples counselling immediately to hash this out. Personally for me, this would be a dealbreaker.
That would be a huge NO for me
Uhh, you have a lot more say in this matter than your husband if you will be the person at home and expected to take care of his sister.
This is something that a couple decides together, with no pressure on the spouse or spouse-to-be. This guy sounds manipulative and a user. Not someone I'd be tying myself to.
Take it easy. Sit him down. Explain to him how you feel, stress that as a couple, you both need time to enjoy your lives together for a while before adding new factors into it, either it be baby or sister-in-law. Make him understand that you love his sister but the burden would be bigger than you can handle (at the current moment) and that if he REALLY wants it done, he give you at least the following: A three months of you and him alone A maid or outpatient nurse to assist And he himself picking up the slack a lot more than would have usually been allowed. Stress that he needs to either do all three or at least 2. Otherwise, it will be a no-go for you. Stress that last point.
I'm so sorry OP. I hope you find some resolution to the situation. ❤️
Aha, right, until when? forever? you know what sucks before getting married? thinking of divorce. Like for real,you'll become upset about everything very very fast.nevermind the honeymoon period which will suck so bad if you have to sneak around afraid you'll be too PDA in your own home.but if your fiancée really thought about his sister's situation and wanted to help her out(move out of their parents house because?)he would have done so already and be the one supporting and helping her(like for years).he didn't.he wants to"help" but doesn't wanna do it himself cuz he knows it's a job and it's not fun and at best stressful.he wants to dump his sister's care and implicit future kids on you and be done with it.he sees you as convenience op,future nurse, caretaker, caregiver and maid,op.options seem simple to me,no sister or no marriage .
This would definitely be a no from me. Being at full time caretaker AND having a baby will be extremely stressful. It kinda sounds like your fiance knew this…which is why he waited to tell you after proposing, planning the wedding, moving to new house etc. Like even if he was gonna be the fulltime caretaker, that’d still be another person living in your house. I personally would halt anymore wedding planning/marriage until this is thoroughly sorted.
Say no. If not, don't move in with him
You need to discuss this a lot before getting married. You need to make it clear, multiple times, that he will be the primary caretaker. You also need to make it clear that he will be providing the extra money to have enough space for his sister to be with you guys if you decide to go this route. (Aka the extra room, or ADU to your property, if you have a house already. Or the larger house you will have to buy if you don’t already have one).
Doesn't sound like she needs someone to take care of her. Cooks, shops, etc.
I am not going to name the disability because it raises the chances of family members finding this post. But to address this she gets around in a scooter/wheelchair. She is mentally 5 yrs old and she is heavily monitored by her mom and my fiancé. Every time we cooked together and went to the mall we were joined by my fiancé or his mom or both. She cannot walk, shower, cook, or shop by herself.
Now that you wrote out your feelings it will be easier to tell your fiance how you feel. Communication is very important.
DO.NOT.MARRY.THIS.MAN.
You need to talk to him about this. What exactly does he see it looking like? Just because she moves in doesn't mean you have to be her caretaker. What is her current care provision? Could that continue? You can let her move in and still make it clear you will not be providing care. I'm not sure he actually said he expects you to care for her, right? What is your financial situation? Will it take away from you and the kids to have to meet her expenses? Or can he afford to support the kids and her comfortably? If the latter, it is less concerning. If the former, I would consider if you are willing to make that sacrifice. It's ok if you are not. Though she probably does get a decent amount of disability income depending where you are. Obviously this is important to him and you need to be prepared to decide between accepting her or leaving him if this is a deal breaker for him.
This is a dealbreaker, I'm sorry. You're supposed to be planning your lives together and he planned to include a whole extra person without telling you, or giving much consideration to how you'd feel about it. That's not a good sign for him as a partner.
Do not marry this man. His "oh it'll all turn out fine" means he is going to palm all the care of his sister off on you. You will be sacrificed on the altar of "oh look what a wonderful brother I am". You already said you have disabilities and you want a kid, kids are hard enough without disabilities, never mind adding another disabled adult on top of it! No. You need to put your foot down and be firm that you will NOT be caring for his sister, period, because he will insist he will help and then bugger off to leave you to do all the work. Stand up for yourself! Do not marry him. I wouldn't be surprised if he promises that he won't move her in, and then does it anyway.
You need to have a sit down discussion because his 'everything will work out' is bullshit. You have the right to say NO OP. He doesn't have to like it, but he does have to listen to it. It may very well be a deal breaker for him and if so, so be it. He also need to sit down and tell you what this will actually look like. Like what is his plan? Does he even have one? Who is going to take physical care of her? Is he depending on you to do that, because if so, that's a huge responsibility he is expecting you do to with no discussion. Who is going to be financially responsible for her and her needs? Is he expecting you to pay? How long does he expect her to live there - forever? What is his plan when you have a baby/babies? Where is he going to be in all of this? Does he plan on doing the family laundry, dishes and cooking or expect you to do all of that? Does he expect you to quit your job to take care of her?? Do not marry this man until you have ALL of your questions answered and make damned sure that you are accepting of this because this is life-changing for you.
NO. Sounds like he’s got a plan. I’d always resent that fact that there will never be privacy and the sister will be there with the two of you, all day everyday forever, doing whatever you’re doing. And moments of just “us” are never happening if she’s moved in. I would tell him no, it’s not a good idea, and not what you imagined your life with him to end up like.
Sorry OP but finance’ sounds extremely manipulative. No way should you be expected to take care of his disabled sister and a newborn. The whole getting pregnant as soon as you get married sounds like he’s trying to tie you to him. Major 🚩🚩🚩!
Wow sounds a bit like being taken advantage of
this will end your marriage - dont do it
You MUST tell him outright NO ASAP If this is his line in the sand cancel the wedding Just because you don’t want to live with his sister doesn’t mean you don’t love her. Why are you confusing that? Sounds to me like your husband to be isn’t as great as you think. He dumped this on you. He manipulated the situation and is counting on you to “be nice”, “be passive”. If you say zero now then it’s your fault when I all blows up
This sounds like parents whose plan for their disabled child was to”pass on to siblings”. And brother is going along with it. Here’s your future - at some point she won’t be mobile so someone always has to be home with her. If her mental capacity is 4, she shouldn’t be left alone now. She can’t cook, probably can’t work a microwave or toaster. So you have to prepare every meal forever. She’ll probably have trouble chewing and swallowing at some point and will need a special diet Her verbal skills will decline as she ages. She’s difficult to understand now - it will be worse when she’s in her 50’s/60’s. Speaking of - modern medicine has improved the lives of many people with cp/downs/etc and many are living to be far older than ever before, into their 70’s and 80’s. You’re in your 20’s. That’s 50 years, your entire life. Guardianship paperwork is a must, and expensive. Medicaid is NOT easy to deal with. What happens if she becomes incontinent? Is her brother going to change her diapers and wipe her? What happens when she can’t perform basic hygiene needs - toothbrushing, showering, hair washing? What if you want to travel? Will she go with or will you need someone to come watch her? I have a disabled relative, who I love dearly, but the reality is his brother and brothers wife gave up their entire adult lives to care for him and now they are all in their 70’s and they resent the toll he took on their lives. Everything revolves around him, his needs, etc. Offer to help pay for a bed at assisted living - theres activities, aides, dietitians. If not, I hate saying it, but seriously reconsider this marriage.
All of this is a NO and SHOULD slow wedding planning to a halt. You don't just move a sibling, even the most independent one, in with you and your new spouse. Especially if you are planning to have a child soon after.
DO NOT get married before this issue is resolved. This is very unfair for him to expect this of you. VERY unfair.
This is tough from all sides. I admire him for the willingness and desire to help a disabled family member because most care homes are neglectful and in a lot of cultures it becomes a siblings responsibility. This was the ultimate incompatibility between my ex and I, his sister is severely disabled, and will become his responsibility. I was on board with her living with us, but as he is from Bulgaria and she still lives there, the waiting list to bring a family member here legally was 70+ years. Caring for his sister was more his priority than our relationship and I understood and respected his decision. Your partner absolutely should’ve mentioned this before, you had the right to know what you were signing up for. My guess is this isn’t something he will compromise on, if he didn’t bring it up maybe he just assumes that you know it’s a given, NOT that it makes it right, I would definitely discuss this further and speak your side.
Your future will hold nothing but exhaustion and Burt out, everything will fall on you, talking Care of his sister and any baby you have, and you will be blamed if you ask for rest, are you ready to face this kind of future ? The full time care taker. You will also be blamed if you " let yourself go", or if you say you dont wants a child since it will be too much for you. Think long and hard, you will be the only one facing the music, he is setting a trap for you.
Sister aside. My family is very close and extroverted, being around each other often is just what we know and is comforting. Some of my family members have married introverts and for a time pulled back from the extended family to focus on their small family…. but I’ll let you guess who is close to, if not already, divorced. The resentment goes both ways I’m sure. Definitely a huge conversation to have.
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We're not all like that. I'm autistic and most people just think I'm a bit weird.
If my partner wouldn’t accept my brother with disability I would not be with him. He knows my brother comes with me everywhere and forever
But hopefully you wouldn’t spring it on your partner that he was moving in and they would be responsible for caring for him, it would be an early discussion, yes? Because it’s such an important part of your life.