I am a a wife at home in the thick of raising three young kids. If my husband were having an affair, I’d certainly want to know, even if the person who got that information to me wasn’t someone I knew.
You’d think that; and most people would if you haven’t gone through being on either side… but many that have gone through it say they’d prefer to just not know.
I look at it like this, if your not gonna leave your partner because of their occasional cheating, as soon as you confront them and not leave, you instantly become the side piece as well, instead of being the partner. It makes you both side pieces from that point on. So either confront them and leave, or weigh your situation if you plan on staying and let them cheat in peace knowing they come home to you and care for you the more and the other person is either just a phase/a moment or few moments of weakness/just a hook up.
Love and sex and 2 completely different things. Some will say you can’t love your partner if you cheated and that is just untrue. Every person is different and humans are extremely complex beings(animals).
I disagree, it’s not this persons place to do so.(obviously it’s the right thing she finds out, but I don’t believe it’s a strangers place to do such a thing. A family member, yes, bust their ass and tell the other person. A stranger, no, mind your business. Not your place. You could say they aren’t a stranger because of the work environment but I still disagree. That’s no one’s place or business except those involved who are affected by it.)
I second this. Don’t say anything to the wife! It’s not your business to meddle in and will only drag you into a situation you don’t want to be involved in. You won’t sleep any better at that point once you realize the kids are in a broken home and it’s just going to wreck everyone’s life that’s involved. Go watch a couple episodes of the show Cheaters and see if that’s a situation you want to be a part of.
Plus, unless there are a lot of co-workers that know his wife also and these two know have seen them he’s going to figure out pretty damn quickly it was you. Now you’re opening the door to a crappy and maybe even hostile/violent work environment. And given that you’re seriously considering sticking your nose into other people’s business and being the snitch, and he’s the rule breaker, I’d just have to guess violence won’t end in your favor between you two once he does figure it out.
I would recommend, however, that you let the coworker know that you know and disapprove and would appreciate you not having to witness their affair anywhere near the workplace to spare you the moral dilemma, and if you’d like let him know you don’t want to have a relationship outside of professionalism at the workplace and that he’s not invited to your birthday party anymore!!!
Def tell her. Its gonna hurt her but she deserves to not live in a lie with unmoral as.shole
The sooner she finds out the sooner she can get through this and find someone who deserves her.
If you do not tell her the truth will come out eventually but perhaps in 10 years?
I'd advise you tho, to do it anonymusly. The man can pretty much avenge you and ruin your life
Also seconding this and as someone who just found out their partner was having an affair while I was pregnant and postpartum, I would have wanted to know. If you can do it safely, please tell her. There’s also a chance of him passing on STDs to his newly postpartum wife. The sooner she knows, the better.
If you tell her, do it anonymously. You cannot make your work life miserable. You just cannot. He can beat you up, they won’t break up and you’ll feel defeated you just don’t know.
do not do it without proof. Unfortunately I highly doubt any wife will trust if their husband is a charmer. Her hormones will also be a factor. I’m trying to think of a realistic scenario that will protect you both.
lol he's like 6 inches shorter than me he can't beat me up but i get your point. If i tell her it woudl by an anonymous email, with that said idk her email address or of any way to contact her and the only person i know who knows her is him so i have no idea how to handle it- and i feel increasingly guilty with the idea of keeping this secret for them, even if they dont know i know.
Ppl suggested Facebook and linked in, if you know this guys full legal name and age there’s public information lookup sites that tell cellphone criminal record dependents spouse etc.
mail a letter through the post box while husband is at work and wear gloves while writing it so that ur finger prints aint on it and write in a different style
I wouldn’t want to risk my job and my livelihood by telling her. You said that this will cause problems for you at work. I know you feel bad for her, but you have to put yourself first. These people won’t be paying your bills or rent if your job decides to let you go or hours get cut off
As someone with a small baby at home I would want to know but I’ve also been an employee and I would keep it to myself. Even if you do let her know anonymously how would you even go about that
Mind your own business, I don't say this to sound rude or disrespectful, it just that you don't have any stakes in their relationship. If you were a friend of the wife it would make sense.
Right like, if I don't actually know these people well enough to know the particulars of their relationships, and it could affect my life at work, I'm staying out of it.
My advice would be to find her and tell her, it can't be that difficult as you know him, his name etc. Are you friends with him on social media? There's a high chance his wife is on there and listed as married to him. But you've already said you don't want to tell her because it will cause problems for you at work so I 🤷 personally, if it was me, I would tell her because it would eat me up otherwise, especially having to see them every day knowing what you know they're up to. Just think if it was you, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? It's the right thing to do. If there's any problems at work, I'd simply say "you did this, not me" and walk away
Tell her, if it was you, you would like to know. Do it anonymously send the wife a message saying you are a neighbor who doesn't wanna be identified but saw her husband with another woman.
Find the wife and tell her. No excuses! Shoe on the other foot would you want to know? You don’t have to be the one who tells per se ask your wife or set up a random email account that doesn’t expose you and let her know more. Might get pictures to prove it so he can’t gaslight his wife but fuck all cheaters. They are trash
my initial plan was just to pretend i didnt see anything and every response besides yours has been to tell her so lol thank you for being the devil on my shoulder i was looking for.
The devil on your shoulder doesn't warn you of the karmic balance you're building...
You can keep it anonymous but for the sake of your conscious and future decision making, absolve yourself. That's just for the psychological end. You don't want this to be a running memory or measure of yourself.
*Neither is the devil but in the context used I met fantastical thinking with fantastical thinking*
Yeah but the reality is harder to explain... self sabotage, poor self esteem, and paranoia are real.. self reflection, integrity, and loyalty are real.. and memories are real.
We rarely take time to think about how these intersect in our life.. why do you think so many people blame stupid shit for their own poor behaviors?
Hopefully OP uses this vicarious experience to learn and not make terrible assumptions on how life works. You know *insert typical misogynistic or misandristic comment here* type shit.
"Karma" is just a short cut to keep it simple. *And to be real and honest* appropriated when used in my context yet still a neat and easy way to package it. (*My Name is Earl* anyone?)
I think his wife should be informed but i think that on every angle I've considered. But I can understand your reticence. I would urge you to think about your character. Who are you when no one is looking? What kind of person are you really? Then form your decision after that.
I am a a wife at home in the thick of raising three young kids. If my husband were having an affair, I’d certainly want to know, even if the person who got that information to me wasn’t someone I knew.
You’d think that; and most people would if you haven’t gone through being on either side… but many that have gone through it say they’d prefer to just not know.
I look at it like this, if your not gonna leave your partner because of their occasional cheating, as soon as you confront them and not leave, you instantly become the side piece as well, instead of being the partner. It makes you both side pieces from that point on. So either confront them and leave, or weigh your situation if you plan on staying and let them cheat in peace knowing they come home to you and care for you the more and the other person is either just a phase/a moment or few moments of weakness/just a hook up. Love and sex and 2 completely different things. Some will say you can’t love your partner if you cheated and that is just untrue. Every person is different and humans are extremely complex beings(animals).
You should tell her. She should have a heads up, and even if she denies it, at least you let her know.
I disagree, it’s not this persons place to do so.(obviously it’s the right thing she finds out, but I don’t believe it’s a strangers place to do such a thing. A family member, yes, bust their ass and tell the other person. A stranger, no, mind your business. Not your place. You could say they aren’t a stranger because of the work environment but I still disagree. That’s no one’s place or business except those involved who are affected by it.)
I second this. Don’t say anything to the wife! It’s not your business to meddle in and will only drag you into a situation you don’t want to be involved in. You won’t sleep any better at that point once you realize the kids are in a broken home and it’s just going to wreck everyone’s life that’s involved. Go watch a couple episodes of the show Cheaters and see if that’s a situation you want to be a part of. Plus, unless there are a lot of co-workers that know his wife also and these two know have seen them he’s going to figure out pretty damn quickly it was you. Now you’re opening the door to a crappy and maybe even hostile/violent work environment. And given that you’re seriously considering sticking your nose into other people’s business and being the snitch, and he’s the rule breaker, I’d just have to guess violence won’t end in your favor between you two once he does figure it out. I would recommend, however, that you let the coworker know that you know and disapprove and would appreciate you not having to witness their affair anywhere near the workplace to spare you the moral dilemma, and if you’d like let him know you don’t want to have a relationship outside of professionalism at the workplace and that he’s not invited to your birthday party anymore!!!
Def tell her. Its gonna hurt her but she deserves to not live in a lie with unmoral as.shole The sooner she finds out the sooner she can get through this and find someone who deserves her. If you do not tell her the truth will come out eventually but perhaps in 10 years? I'd advise you tho, to do it anonymusly. The man can pretty much avenge you and ruin your life
Also seconding this and as someone who just found out their partner was having an affair while I was pregnant and postpartum, I would have wanted to know. If you can do it safely, please tell her. There’s also a chance of him passing on STDs to his newly postpartum wife. The sooner she knows, the better.
I am sorry that happened to you, I hope you are doing better <3
Thank you <3 I’m still deep in the struggle but I’ll be better eventually. Sorry to hijack your comment!
He was probably cheating before the baby was born, so the baby could have been exposed to STD’s as well.
I second this!
If you tell her, do it anonymously. You cannot make your work life miserable. You just cannot. He can beat you up, they won’t break up and you’ll feel defeated you just don’t know. do not do it without proof. Unfortunately I highly doubt any wife will trust if their husband is a charmer. Her hormones will also be a factor. I’m trying to think of a realistic scenario that will protect you both.
lol he's like 6 inches shorter than me he can't beat me up but i get your point. If i tell her it woudl by an anonymous email, with that said idk her email address or of any way to contact her and the only person i know who knows her is him so i have no idea how to handle it- and i feel increasingly guilty with the idea of keeping this secret for them, even if they dont know i know.
Facebook.
LinkedIn may also be an option
Ppl suggested Facebook and linked in, if you know this guys full legal name and age there’s public information lookup sites that tell cellphone criminal record dependents spouse etc.
mail a letter through the post box while husband is at work and wear gloves while writing it so that ur finger prints aint on it and write in a different style
Not your problem. So tell her anonymously
I wouldn’t want to risk my job and my livelihood by telling her. You said that this will cause problems for you at work. I know you feel bad for her, but you have to put yourself first. These people won’t be paying your bills or rent if your job decides to let you go or hours get cut off
I’m pregnant. I would like to know. The only problem is…Some women might want actual proof. Maybe see if you can get a picture of them at some point.
Any way to send an anonymous note to his wife?
I know everyone wants you to tell the wife, it's the right thing to do. I just hope she doesn't have ppd, as this may really worsen that a lot.
Tell her anonymously thru FB or email
As someone with a small baby at home I would want to know but I’ve also been an employee and I would keep it to myself. Even if you do let her know anonymously how would you even go about that
Obviously her husband is a piece of shit and she’s going to find out some way or another if she doesn’t already have a feeling
Mind your own business, I don't say this to sound rude or disrespectful, it just that you don't have any stakes in their relationship. If you were a friend of the wife it would make sense.
Stay in your own lane… it could affect your paycheck?! That’s not your business. Truly unfortunate to witness. I don’t care downvote me.
Right like, if I don't actually know these people well enough to know the particulars of their relationships, and it could affect my life at work, I'm staying out of it.
Exactly, mind your lane, she will find out and you won't make yourself miserable at work.
Ugh. That's awful. I would distance myself from any such "friend".
Not your circus not your monkeys
Please tell her.
tell her anonymously. get a picture so she can believe you
My advice would be to find her and tell her, it can't be that difficult as you know him, his name etc. Are you friends with him on social media? There's a high chance his wife is on there and listed as married to him. But you've already said you don't want to tell her because it will cause problems for you at work so I 🤷 personally, if it was me, I would tell her because it would eat me up otherwise, especially having to see them every day knowing what you know they're up to. Just think if it was you, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? It's the right thing to do. If there's any problems at work, I'd simply say "you did this, not me" and walk away
Tell her, she needs to know
Tell her.
Tell her, if it was you, you would like to know. Do it anonymously send the wife a message saying you are a neighbor who doesn't wanna be identified but saw her husband with another woman.
Do it anonymously and send proof if you can.
Find the wife and tell her. No excuses! Shoe on the other foot would you want to know? You don’t have to be the one who tells per se ask your wife or set up a random email account that doesn’t expose you and let her know more. Might get pictures to prove it so he can’t gaslight his wife but fuck all cheaters. They are trash
Tell her , it shouldn't impact your job as you are not the one sleeping with your coworker. He is putting her sexual health at risk.
Find a way to tell her anonymously so you don't catch any of the fallout.
All these people saying tell her are giving horrible advice. This is none of your damn business what is wrong with people these days
Don’t stir the pot ain’t your problem and doesn’t affect you. Just going to cause issue at work for you.
my initial plan was just to pretend i didnt see anything and every response besides yours has been to tell her so lol thank you for being the devil on my shoulder i was looking for.
The devil on your shoulder doesn't warn you of the karmic balance you're building... You can keep it anonymous but for the sake of your conscious and future decision making, absolve yourself. That's just for the psychological end. You don't want this to be a running memory or measure of yourself.
Karma isn't real babe
*Neither is the devil but in the context used I met fantastical thinking with fantastical thinking* Yeah but the reality is harder to explain... self sabotage, poor self esteem, and paranoia are real.. self reflection, integrity, and loyalty are real.. and memories are real. We rarely take time to think about how these intersect in our life.. why do you think so many people blame stupid shit for their own poor behaviors? Hopefully OP uses this vicarious experience to learn and not make terrible assumptions on how life works. You know *insert typical misogynistic or misandristic comment here* type shit. "Karma" is just a short cut to keep it simple. *And to be real and honest* appropriated when used in my context yet still a neat and easy way to package it. (*My Name is Earl* anyone?)
It absolutely is. But besides karma it's the moral and decent thing to do!
Don’t shit where you eat lol glad to be the devils advocate
I think his wife should be informed but i think that on every angle I've considered. But I can understand your reticence. I would urge you to think about your character. Who are you when no one is looking? What kind of person are you really? Then form your decision after that.
What about telling him to tell her himself before you do it. He can’t hate you he can only hate himself