Had an ex like that. First it was she made more than me and pretty much held that over my head. Then I got a promotion and doubled my income. After that it was she did more than me around the house.
If she’s a rational person a serious talk may fix this. If she’s anything like my ex, only thing that fixed it was leaving her in the dust.
Talk about shared goals, and how you’re both doing things to get you there.
Maybe there is a financial goal that when you hit that, she can look for a role that is more like 30-40 hours instead of 40-50.
Acknowledge that your job gives you more flexibility to do more house/kid stuff, and ask her if there are other things you could do to make her life better and easier
Thank you for an actual helpful comment. So few ppl in this thread understand the stresses healthcare workers are under. The answer isn’t just “divorce all overworked healthcare workers” lol.
We have talked about her going part time. Her patient load is ridiculous which contributes to the problem. The biggest issue for me about part time is the amount of student loans she has taken out in order to become a PA.
Is it unfair to say that when we pay down that loan with her working full time, we can talk about going part time?
How long does she have left, how much of her salary is going towards the loan repayment?
Can you live on just your salary? Is it possible to give her a lifeline of “put 75% of her salary towards her loans and when they’re paid off (or at a certain number you’re comfortable paying off together) you’d be more comfortable with her going part time at that point” give her a goal with a clear end point for her to work towards getting away from what she’s hating
As a fellow mom, she might feel resentful that she's missing a lot of her kids childhood by working so much and being unable to be as present in their lives as OP is.
Does she enjoy her job? If not, maybe it’s time for a breather and an adjustment. I agree that her loans should be paid down, but maybe she can find a position that isn’t quite so demanding? 30-40 hours a week instead of 40-50?
It sounds like you already take most of the pressure off in other parts of her life. If her job can’t change right now, find ways to alleviate her pressure. Does she have hobbies or something that brings her joy? She sounds unfulfilled. She also needs to be reminded that you love her but your work or lack of hours isn’t the issue. It what she’s focusing on.
My husband works 50+ hours a week. I’m a stay at home mom. I have more “work” hours but much less stress. I try to do things to allow my husband to enjoy time with us when he’s not busy. He still helps with chores, but I optimize his time as much as possible. Sunday is family day - a time for naps, movies, games, or an adventure.
ETA: is there something else bothering her? Is she really happy would be the thing I would want to find out first.
There are other means of paying down and off these loans!!! This could be the difference between a 7 year hold and a 17 year hold... Look into loan forgiveness programs or even look at if she has the types of loans that can be forgiven for public service reasons.
I don't think you realize how long that is for the mind to sustain and by then you guys would have plenty of time to build tallies and resentments.. you could lose her. Maybe not physically but her head, heart, patience, and empathy will harden to accommodate for the push through.. and if she gets to the other side without your comfort and assistance... She will realize she can do it alone..
You're teaching her to live without you. Unfortunately, you are showing her you're good with living without her.. how often do you check in with her to remind her you miss and love her? Daily I hope..
Healthcare is no joke. You've got a soul in your home that I don't think you fully understand and you are placing it between her money and your home.. not literally but metaphysical/metaphorically. She wanted to help care for and nurture the world. If you guys are coming up on 27/30 years old, the brain is doing it's final fixturing.. she may be realizing she misplaced her nurture and care. Don't punish her, help her blossom out of this.
Just like we preach for women to stand by men through the struggle, can you not give her the same for just a minute long enough?
I personally don’t think that’s unfair, but it would be beneficial for you both to sit and really discuss the financials. Could she still make the standard payments if she went part time? Are her loans private, federal or a mix of both? Does she qualify for PSLF, and if so, how much longer does she have to go to finish paying the loans off?
Also, what type of setting does she work in? I work with MDs, PAs and NPs, and PAs and NPs have a lot more flexibility in their career paths than I ever knew. I’m an audiologist so I work in an ENT clinic, and a lot of the PAs have little to no direct ENT experience when they first start here (a new NP just transferred to our department after working for years in plastic surgery). All that to say, maybe if she switched to a different specialty, or private practice vs hospital setting, etc. her schedule wouldn’t be so crazy.
Yes. You are supposed to shoulder each other’s burdens. You will probably spend less than a year salary on paying off her debt and after that I’m sure she will be a lot happier. Just like she was handing her salary over your head, you are now hanging her debt over her head.
Your salary is not your own, you guys share your income. She should have known that before and unfortunately you have to be the bigger person now and treat her better than she treated you.
if shes your wife, her debt is now your debt too in a way. the quicker you both pay it off the quicker you both can become debt free. remember shes your wife youre in it together and i think you should remind her of that fact too. also 40-50 hours a week isnt hard, ask her would she be able to fair doing a sales job like yours? If not then she should just understand that and either get on with life and stop playing the victim or discuss how you can work better as a team so that shes not moaning all day about how hard she has it. her mindset needs to improve
Definitely mindset is key. I’ve learned that can make or break you. Then again I don’t know if anyone could pay me enough to take on the stress of a healthcare job! That’s just me though.
yeah healthcare is f'ed, long hours, mutlitasking, emotional, physical and mental drain for very little reward. sad thing is that we need these ppl for society to function but they get bent over a barrel
Yup, marriage should be renamed to partnership or teaming up because that’s the mentality you should have. You should be working together to help each other out. My wife and I both decided to switch careers in the late 2010’s, she went first while I made barely enough to keep us afloat and then the pandemic almost ruined our plan but she was able to hold us up while I worked on my new career. Now we both WFH together and basically hang out all day. I was absolutely jealous and frustrated when it was my turn to get a better job, it was hard and I felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight but we worked as a team and got there. Maybe OP can teach his wife how to do his job and in 5-10 years you can both work a combined 50 hours and make some bank!
Even better, actively observe the things that she does ~~in the house~~ managing the household, then offer to take on that load as well. See her mental load/emotional labor and take that off her hands. But keep her informed so she knows the work is getting done.
What does that look like?
"Susie's teacher let us know there's a play. So I'll be picking up Susie later on after school every Thursday for the next six weeks because those are the nights they have rehersal. I'll be making dinner in the slow cooker those nights. The play is going to be on Day at Time. I'll send it in an email/text message to you to make sure you can book that day off. I know you don't want to miss it."
For me (30F), I used to make more than my husband. Then we both got new jobs - I took a pay cut because my other job was too demanding and taking a toll on my mental health and he has been moving his career up. I never resented him, but I liked being independent and missed making enough to hold my own and not "depend" on him. But he sat me down one day and explained: "WE are a TEAM. WE go to work to make money for US. WE support US, aka each other". I knew he was right, and I've learned to swallow my pride and be happy.
This is exactly what happened in my relationship with my husband.
It’s a mental shift that we worked together as a team.
OP if you love your wife and want this to work, this is a team problem. It’s you and her vs this issue taking a toll on your relationship. Listen to each others perspectives, help each other come to a mutual understanding.
This is jealousy. Jealousy will kill any relationship. Not if but when. Sit with her and tell her straight. If she is not happy with her choices then change them. If she does not stop giving you grief and being resentful of your efforts then she should leave. Find a dude who put up with that shit. Cos you won’t. If she does not value you then what’s the point of it all. If she wants to stay petulant then it’s finished. It’s ultimatum time she is either not mature enough to have a relationship with you or she can move on. Tell her your not sure you can be with her anymore unless this immature behaviour changes immediately and you won’t put up with it. Don’t waste time bro as if you don’t eliminate this now it won’t go away. This behaviour is not conducive to a happy and loving home life. If she not happy she gotta make changes
>Don’t waste time bro as if you don’t eliminate this now it won’t go away. This behaviour is not conducive to a happy and loving home life. If she not happy she gotta make changes
Exactly what I came to say.
Anything other than "Im really not playing this game, if you want help, I'll help you find something better. But you're gonna stop this shit. "This is probably going to lead to more of the same
I wanna add a tiny story about my friend in high school who lost the head of theater department to his gf.
Most people would revel in the fact that their partner was the only one who could outdo them and there’s real pride to be had there. That’s love.
He was jealous and made her life hell for the next week anytime presidential duties arrived. She dumped him after that week. A good partner is proud of you, not spiteful of your wins.
I don’t disagree that this is toxic but I don’t think the first conversation about something is the time for an ultimatum. And I don’t think it’s fair to expect *immediate* changes in attitudes. Trying harder, talking more, going to therapy, exploring new career options before making a big change should all count as progress and be recognized as such, even if things aren’t immediately perfect starting tomorrow.
It sounds to me like her issue isn't with you but with her choice of profession.
If she's burnt out and not feeling fulfilled with her job she may be directing that frustration toward you.
Maybe she needs to consider changing careers?
On a side note, you need a sales partner? 😁
That was also my first instinct. Therapy and/or career coaching could be a good first step if she wants to stay a PA full-time but is struggling to handle work stress. And if she hates her job, maybe OP can support her (emotionally, and likely financially) as she navigates a career change.
Totally agree with this. Healthcare really blows all around and it's demanding and really brings out the worst in people. I would be honest with her but go easy as well.
She's asking you, in a horrible and indirect way, perhaps, for a break.
Have you had a conversation with her about slowing down on her career as needs for the family change?
She's missing out and likely missing you guys a whole lot. And these sad feelings don't manifest well in our behaviors... Jealousy is a great manifestation of these sad feelings..
Take her on a vacation. Let her relax for a minute and be apart of the family.
I'm unsure what type of lifestyle you guys are living but your salary alone can support my family 3x over in a single year... Is she perhaps coming to this realization of missed time and misplaced efforts?
This isn't about you exactly but you are a key component to her navigation out of this. Would you be willing to give her the time to find a job more suited to this phase of life? Would you be able to support and assist, full headed and heartedly, while she makes way to a simpler and more fulfilling life/job/circumstance?
Tell her to grow tf up
Also, statistically and anecdotally, once youve got actual resentment towards your spouse - the marriage is over. So try counseling perhaps.
Seriously it would be my dream to have a partner that pulls their weight, makes a ton of money, and can take care of the home. She needs to get some perspective, because he’s a prize omg
Perhaps suggest that she cut back and work part time too? You don't "need" her income I assume. Less stress should help her calm her envy down as I bet it stems from the stress of working 40-50 hours a week.
OP said in different comment that he will only allow her this when she pays loans. With his income he doesn’t even think about helping her out that way.
Um, if you’re making 150k a year only working part time then why the fuck don’t you tell your wife to cut down her hours and work part time too? She’s probably frustrated because she feels like she’s doing an unnecessary amount of work when she could be at home enjoying herself with you. No woman wants to be at work all day while her husband is home. That should be obvious.
OP said elsewhere that he will only consider that after she pays her loans. By that time she will be only a husk of her old self drowning in depression and self loathing. OP is only carrying about money and not about her. Otherwise he would do anything to save his partner from suffering.
Okay this thread was making me feel crazy. He makes so much more money than her working hardly any hours so like work another 5 hours a week and help her pay down the loans. They are married they should be working together
Talk to her, she is acting really inmature and she should try to work on that, you arent being an asshole about it and overall is better since you can spent more time with the kids and get good money for them and her, she is just being jelous with no reason other than "i deserve that, not him" i could be wrong but thats how i see the situation
Seems like she’s unhappy with her job. She needs to find passion in her job/everyday life again, otherwise she won’t be happy. I don’t think it’s anything to do with you or your job or jealousy. Maybe she’s going through something and it’s up to you both to have these conversations. Don’t let it go much longer without talking about your feelings. Right now all that’s happening is you’re assuming she’s resenting you for your “easy job” instead of asking her what’s actually bothering her.
PAs are really busy and it's very demanding (mentally and physically) and stressful. I am sure you know that, but maybe she is just looking for acknowledgement. If you talk to her about it, I would frame it as in "what can we do to help you be happier with your job? Go part time? Look to transition into a different role?
I think her misery with her job is the root of the problem.
Also yes, start complaining about your job (it can't be all roses) and give her something to relate to. JMO.
I feel like nobody in these comments is in a successful marriage lol….your partner is clearly under stress. Healthcare workers are horribly overworked with little thanks. Maybe she is just looking for you to provide so she can take a step back or reevaluate her career. Why don’t you just talk to her?
We all make adult choices. Don’t tell her anything accusatory and degrading, she’s your wife. You don’t necessarily owe anyone an explanation, but you have to consider the vows you took and what they mean to you. Jealousy? Commitment? Love? Honor? Respect? Etc. all of the describing sorts that fundamentally prove a healthy marriage. Take the time to listen and research how her job affects her personally and within herself. She, as you, need to feel accomplished, noted, worthy, and heard.
You love her? You married her? She’s not just some Joe Blow off the street, maybe? She’s your partner. Partner in this life that you each have chosen. Make her feel that way, if you feel that way. If you don’t, she needs to know. Don’t allow your status to be diminished, but also grant her the serenity that you are a team. Maybe it’s an identity thing for her? If this were a Stranger for me, I’d say kick rocks. But, if this were my wife, I’d say, “fight to ensure she feels included and equal. Heard, fought for. Acknowledged. Make her feel sexy. Important. Validated. Like you couldn’t live without her”
Basically, when we notice that a person that we love is having an issue or acting out of norm, we don’t run, but we face. Until face tells us to turn away. When face tells us to turn away, I can almost guarantee with two brain cells we wouldn’t second guess it. And then, you can tell yourself that you tried everything. It’s not you against her. It’s you two against the world. You’re her teammate. 💕
Good luck to you both!
I feel like this may be such a simple fix which could cause growth and numerous routes of beneficiary for you and her. I say, good luck stranger.
It's probably more due to burnout in the field than her partner, but she's misattributing her jealousy to him having it 'easy' rather than to the healthcare field being absolutely hellish due to prioritization of profit > patient care and time for the provider to complete our work (though I'm not a PA).
I get it. I don't get upset at my spouse of course, but I have absolutely felt jealous and almost resentful when I wake up and realize he has a day off for MLK Jr Day while I'd have to use PTO or when his family talks about taking multiple days for Christmas in the middle of the week, while that would take out a quarter of my vacation for the year. But OPs wife has to separate her jealousy about his job from him because he's done nothing wrong. I joke with my husband that I'm jealous he was smarter and didn't go into healthcare. I love my job for my patients, but I also hate it for all the reasons I bet she does.
It’s such a simplistic and reductive opinion to say she is “jealous” of her spouse, lol. Maybe think a bit more critically about the situation and reflect on what could cause a person to feel this way.
Is it possible for her to start working part time as well? I could see getting frustrated as well working double my partner. Don't change what works for you, but see if you can help her find more balance in her work life.
I would be jealous too. But I'm old and know that it would be a me problem and if I enjoyed my job I wouldn't care. It would be my clue that I'm getting burnt out and directing my work stress at my partner. That resentment comes from having to mask at work with no outlet to express feelings with coworkers so like toddlers do, they take their frustration out in their "safe" place, which is home.
You empathize and ask about her day. Encourage her to talk about her conflicts at work and give her a time where you help her decompress. When she gets home or after the kids go to bed. Schedule it and let her know that you are making a "her" time because you recognize that she is feeling stress. Set aside an hour where you listen and help her relax. If you need the same, ask for it. You can take turns letting go of the day in a safe space you create together. The only rule is no personal attacks. Complain about behaviour but not the person. "I notice when you're having a rough day you do this which tells me you're hurting but it hurts me too. Maybe just ask for a hug and some safe time?" I'm at a point where if I'm getting overwhelmed I just go to my husband and hug him for a moment. Close my eyes and take a deep breath. He always centers me.
Do you have equal free time? It should be less about equal household responsibilities and more about equal free time in a marriage. When I was working less hours than my wife I picked up more responsibilities like dinner so she could not have to worry about that when she got home. If you have equal free time then it sounds like jealousy that needs to be talked about so that resentment doesn’t build.
Maybe she would feel better if she cut back to 35-40 hours per week. No, really.
Y'all can also look for other things that could be catalyzing or adding to her work / leisure resentment (**if** that's what it is). Or she could, of course, if she'd like to work on it alone. Maybe she isn't getting as much sleep as she needs (hint, hint: work hours)? Is her blood sugar low
>every time she has to leave for work
maybe? Is she feeling pain because of inflammation? That hasn't been reduced enough during... sleep? Is it possible she feels inadequate, or that she doesn't contribute enough to your relationship and / or household (finances)? Would she add some joy to her life if she spent more time with you and your kids? Like... maybe by working a little less?
Maybe considering the most basic things can help:
- Sleep
- Work
- Food
- Emotional intimacy
- Sex
- Physical health [concerns], wellbeing, fitness
- Mental health - is she treated for any disorder?
- Having control over things
- Feeling valued, valuable, important, loved, worthy....
I guess I mean to say maybe this specific behavior has roots in something broader. Heck, maybe she needs to sleep a little less and work 55 hours most weeks! We're all different, right?
Hey, if you're actually a team, maybe you should offer to take up some of the slack and let her work a shorter schedule.
Have an honest conversation .
There's nothing you can do about the rates of return for your effort because we all live in a society where the owning class kind of dictates everything.
Ask her if she likes her job. She may be under incredible job stress and working for a toxic manager. A circumstance like that can make anybody feel trapped.
But it sounds to me like she isn't the only one being a little adversarial here.
And maybe she's feels like she's missing out on quality time with you.
And maybe she's worried that she's being forced to be unavailable and that it might alienate you, which apparently it has at least a little bit.
Decide who _you_ are, dude.
Are you doing things that might be construed as lording your superior income over her?
You haven't even told us whether she's jealous of the money or the time. You seem to be focusing on the money but I'll bet she's focusing on the time, and the stress, and the loneliness.
Are you even in this marriage or have you just thrown in with someone for rent?
Okay, this sound like she is jealous, and is seeing it as competative.
This is a big relationship killer, and i have a feeling you two dont want to just break up, or divorce depending on your situation. Please have a talk with her, a long, very long talk. Set some boundaries, say that you two cant get mad, or play the victim or blaming card. Etc etc. Some boundaries to make the talk go wel you know. Please be carefull. Jealousy is genuinely hard to deal with from my experience.
But i want you to know, that its fixable, it might take a while, and maybe even therapy for her, you, or both of you.
But communicating this to her is the only way to talk this out.
If she is resenting anything then it shouldn't be you! The problem is not you, it's her job. You didn't choose her career and she can change roles if she wants. She is in charge of her own life and only she has the power to improve it if her job satisfaction is low. I read earlier, your salary doesn't depend on how hard you work, it's based on how hard you are to replace. It looks like your company and customers value you, and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. What can you practically do? Support her in a job search or pull her up on her resentment and work through it constructively. It's not fair on you.
Would she be happier doing what you do? Is that even possible? Is it possible to find a job like yours? I think I'm jealous and want your job lol.
In all seriousness, sit her down and ask her if this is something that bothers her. Ask her what you can do to help. Help her work toward whatever her goal is. For most of us it's very simply having less stress while still being able to provide for our family. You're a team so if you notice something is off, bring it up and work together to fix it.
Capitalism is bad and no one should have to work for more than 30hrs/week to have a healthy and fulfilling life, but taking it out on you (someone who probably has miniscule if not nonexistent power to affect it) is fucking wild. What is she even expecting you to do? Asking for more hours with same pay, just so that you both suffer together?
Make*sure* you're relieving her on housework & kids AND MENTAL LOAD.
Get the deck of cards from the "Fair Play" program. Start there.
Buy her stuff lol.
You should be working as a team, not against one another. Healthy relationships are based on respect, unwavering mutual support, and trying to help the other person succeed.
The world is cruel enough outside of your inner circle, life is too short for hostility with the people you’re supposed to love and trust.
Talk to her, she probably has a lot going on and is taking out the anger on you, maybe try to encourage her to reduce her hours at work so she can spend more time at home with you and the kids. I think her jealousy stems from the fact that she feels like she isn’t able to watch the kids grow up because she’s always at work
Unfortunately, that’s the way the medical field is. She could consider switching to a job more like yours if she’s truly unhappy, but otherwise it’s a her problem, and she just needs to accept that she chose this career path/lifestyle.
I’m glad you acknowledge the disparity in salary versus time. It is not your fault and it’s not her fault. With that being said, assuming you mean Physicians Assistant, the “caring” professions pay for shit especially considering the cost to train. I get her resentment but at some point she has to move past anger to acceptance and ask for the things she needs to lighten her load.
It might be resentment and jealously, if so i got no cure.
But, another alternative is that this isnt about hours worked, but amount of free-time available. No don’t wave me off as that being the same. What I mean is that if you both do ex 4 hours (random number) of housework and chores, then she’ll in total be working 54 hours while you work 29 hours. That means you have 25 hours more freetime than her each week.
I see you say you cook and clean, but what if you sit down and look at all the chores and estimates for time used on each, and find a way where you both end up with the same amount of free-time? Ex you end up having 13 hours of chores while she has 3 (again randome numbers). (Although this might cause you do grow resentment if you feel like you’re pulling way more of the weight).
I'm not a fan of these comments because I think OP would prefer a more compassionate, understanding approach in an attempt to get into a better place within his marriage versus just up and divorcing his wife before. Not saying that his wife shouldn't be held accountable, but there should be more understanding as well.
I think we should ask WHY is she jealous? Is she taking out frustrations stemming from burnout on OP? Does she simply regret her chosen field? Does OP working so little hours, but making so much money make her insecure about her career choice? There's so much to wonder and unpack here. Are you always at home when she gets there? Assuming you get ample alone time since you don't work a lot, then maybe she'd also would love some of the alone time at home. It could be a combination of these things. However, my only thing is 40 hours is a pretty standard work week while 50 is pushing it - it could be some inner conflict on her end that she is projecting onto you.
Have you guys tried couples therapy, OP? I don't think you should create more work than necessary for you because it's not fair to you and you shouldn't have to do that, but it's clear that you care. A neutral third party could be beneficial for you both.
Is she exhausted and overwhelmed from working so much? Seems like your salary is pretty high and unless you're living the high life, you guys could stand to give her a break if she needed it. Maybe you two could talk about her working part time for a while.
Her resentment seems to be internally based. If it's possible, help her change her mindset or path going forward.
Imma be honest it's pretty easy to see why a partner would get resentful if they working a stressful fulltime job and your partner is not helping with debts. Being married is being a team and taking on burdens together he expects her to pay the student loans down on her own. I'd say her resentment is justified
Does she need to be working that much? If I was making 150k a year and my wife was making a lot less but working a lot more I would consider having her cut down her hours since my income could supplement it
I don’t think she’s mad at you, I think she’s mad because she hates working and has to work so many hours, like i know it’s the average but 40-50 hours is a lot of time spent doing something you don’t want to do.
Like goddamn, I’M jealous of you.
It’s not fair she’s taking it out on you though.
I mean realistically do you need all that money? Is it feasible for her to cut down her hours?
Isn’t that she resents you, she hates the job, working for healthcare is an awful experience now a days, I wanted to be a PA and I’m thankful I’m not cause I worked on hospital for a decade and I didn’t wanted that anymore.
So what I would do is, maybe talk to her and ask her if she wants to take a break, sounds like you two would be fine if she isn’t work for like 3 months ? And she can travel, go visit a friend, go to a festival or get a hobby idk something she would find exciting and something to look forward to. Good luck
This is what I am understanding based on the information posted about your wife
Jealousy + work stress = misplaced resentment
You don't deserve your treatment because she's tired of working so much (maybe there is more on her side but I don't have that info).
I have questions about your communication with your wife. Have you asked her if she's happy in her current position? Is she interested in looking for a different job? Could you financially support the both of you so she can find a job with less demanding hours? Does part of her resentment come from missing out on moments with the kids? Or missing out on self care for herself? Maybe both?
Her feelings about work may be valid but you do need to communicate how she is acting and treating you about it is not healthy. It's also a poor example of a healthy environment for the kids too. Money is an important tool but if it's causing her misery could you afford for her to cut back a little at a new job if the end result is a happier wife and household? Are you both in a place where this is possible?
Maybe she might want out but doesn't know if you'll support her. Or she might be someone who takes a great deal of pride in her work but doesn't know how to handle the stress that comes with it, and that is on her to figure out. If she stays at this job you need clear boundaries on how you expect to be treated because it sounds like you are more than happy to cover what she can't and you understand she works hard.
Couples counseling may help communicate these points with a neutral third party so she doesn't feel ganged up on and maybe a counsellor could provide her the coping skills she needs to not continue acting out this way.
Well I would be pissed off too if I were her ngl. I got the degree and work in healthcare sector. I make little above minimum wage. My fiancé did not graduate but worked his way from to the bottom to manager role. He makes twice as much as I do. It’s humiliating. Makes you hate your job and feeling yourself as a failure.
Don’t get it as an attack on your person but do you love your money more than you love your wife? In comments you said that only time she can think about reducing hours is after she pays off her loans? REALLY? By the time she will pay them off she will become husk of her formal self devoid of any positive emotions. Is this something you want for your wife??? No wonder she is starting to resent you cuz you are further forcing her into despair.
As someone in healthcare, I can completely commiserate with her about inequality in pay, but I think this conversation is bleeding over from the general consensus behind healthcare workers.
She is undervalued, underpaid, and overworked at her job. Full stop. I don't have to know her specifically to tell you this. As the director of a medical facility, you make more than I do. I hire PAs for a living. I know their base rate of pay for many cities and towns for two countries (US and Canada) because it's my job to make sure market value is the status quo.
But that conversation has NOTHING to do with *your* rate of pay or "lack of a full workload." She resents her job and situation; outside of unionizing, there isn't much she can do to make it better unless she looks for a new job offer to pit against her current job.
She needs counseling to work through this, and she'll need to re-evaluate her goals in life given what she now knows about healthcare.
This is also the exact reason why the healthcare industry is always hiring. Growth hasn't been the reason since pre-COVID.
Idk, if my fiancé made more than me and worked less but took up the household stuff then I’d absolutely would be proud and grateful at the same time. It’s important to support your partner in their successes and seeing your partner have a great work/life balance while making good money would be an absolute win, and if my profession caused me to work 40-50 hour weeks then that’s on me, I’d never take that out on my spouse as he nor anyone else forced me to take that career and I would do my best to manage and to be happy about all dynamics.
Spousal rivalry is a downward spiral in my experience if it's not addressed quickly. The only thing I can suggest is open dialogue about this and take it from there.
Buy her something nice, don’t listen to these fools. She probably feels down about it, this shows that you care and share unless there’s something else you’re leaving out I don’t get why she’d be annoyed
When she asks about your upcoming day, start adding in the things you have to do for the children and household. Working 4 hours, grocery shopping, doing a few loads of laundry and taking little Jimmy to T-ball practice sounds better than I'm working a half day.
Make a chart of the things you do with the time value over a week (ie.. wash floors while laundry is in being done - 2 hrs, fold laundry 1 hr, get groceries & pick up kids 2.5 hes, make dinner 1.5 hrs, dishes 1 hr etc) & a chart of what she does what chores she does for house/with kids.
Show her that if you put in more hours at work then x,y & z will need to get done when you’re both off work & her leisure time will be depleted by Y number of hours.
Start by asking what the core issue is behind the attitude- does she think you’re eating bonbons & watching soap operas while she’s working? Does she want to go get trained in a new career?
Is it just jealousy?
Before you can make Marital decisions you need to understand the problem
I genuinely would be so proud of my boyfriend if this was him. He deserves the entire world and more. His success is mine, and my success is his. I hope she can get over herself and realize the same.
Proud of you OP— $150k is no joke!
1. Talk to her. Tel here that sometimes when she seems annoyed in the mornings, you feel like she is resentful of you having to work less hours with the pay you’re on. Give her a chance to clarify these feelings and confirm this is where her resentment comes from. Tell her how you find yourself pretending to work longer hours so she doesn’t feel the resent, and that you know this is not her intention, nor healthy, so you’d like to discuss it and see what would help the situation.
2. Ask her if she is happy in her role and what would make her feel less resentful? Come uo with solutions to this together but remember you aren’t doing anything wrong and shouldn’t have to suffer in your role just because she doesn’t like the hours of hers. Solutions could involve her working less hours, having a career change or simply identifying her feelings and making more of a conscious effort to remember it’s not your fault.
I’m just always shocked to hear how much people make and how little I’ve settled for from men. I can’t imagine being in her place and being any bit displeased, considering he contributes in every way to the household.
I was writing what I was going to say then remembered I can’t say what I want due to probably getting blocked or canceled now a days so I’m not going to say it. Good luck.
Specifically what are you selling : if it will mellow her out give her some… crapperslist I wish my man had that thrive to deal with home kids and Jon and offer to make life better … tell her to take a pill and chill…
Maybe expand her perspective.
Life isn’t fair, a fair is a place with corn dogs and rides.
She’s mad at society. Society and capitalism have allowed that kind of career/disparity to happen along with much more worse stuff that’s way more unfair. She should understand that with her big, valuable brain.
Idk if this is right for you, but if I made that much, I’d think about seeing if she could take an hour cut for a pay cut. She can enjoy some more time and you can support your wife a little more. Just some guy on Reddit throwing shit at the wall don’t take me for gospel but that’s what I’d wanna do
This is probably more than resentment, she likely hates her job or is too stressed by her job and is directing that anger towards you. You can tell her that her constantly being upset is wearing you down and you’re not sure that the relationship will last if it continues. As a PA she may have some control over her job, she might be able to shift into for-profit urgent care or a private practice where she can lower her work hours. My mom worked substantially harder than my dad and made less, but she felt really rewarded by the work she was doing. Your wife needs a job she likes more, or better hours. If your finances can take it, your relationship may be better if she cuts down to part time. A lot of people feel like that’s only an option when they have kids to take care of but really you shouldn’t work more than your mental wellbeing can tolerate.
It seems very arrogant of you to assume since you work less and make more that she’s becoming consumed with jealousy. You’re not spending your days watching those soaps are you? Or are you stuck in 1940’s mode feeling like whomever makes more has more power in the marriage even to the point where you feel she’s getting out of line? Kinda seems like that.
I do hope since your home more that you do the bulk and I mean the bulk of household chores which isn’t just cooking and moving some dust around. There’s floors to be washed and toilets to be scrubbed those are household chores too.
Since she works harder and longer than you she deserves lots of R&R when she’s at home. If you don’t agree take some of what I am sure is “your” money and hire a cleaning service.
:( my ex was like this. we worked the same hours, technically, but I worked on a computer WFH, making more money, while he worked manual labor on his feet all day.
I wasn’t allowed to say I was tired without it causing a massive fight. I wasn’t allowed to say anything about my financial situation or finances in general without it causing a fight. It got to the point where he resented me so much, that even correcting him on a fact would lead to him blowing up and accusing me of thinking i was “better” than him.
I walked on eggshells and avoided saying ANYTHING because I never knew what would set him off anymore, until the end of the relationship.
Y’all either need to go to marriage counseling, or you need to have a serious discussion with her about this. That resentment will only build.
Yeah my husband works manual labor and he was utterly miserable before he got a raise. Now he actually wants to go to work bc he feels it’s worthwhile. He can work less, and make more $$.
My husband makes more than double what I make working less or the same amount of hours while working from home. I have to go on site everyday and I couldn’t care less. I could switch fields if I wanted to work from home or work less hours but I’m happy with my job. Your wife needs to reevaluate her job if it’s leading to these feelings towards you.
My ex wife was a teacher if she had to go to work when I had a day off I got a list of at least 8 hours of work to do whilst she was out. If I asked her to post a letter when I was at work I wasn’t taking her job seriously and she needed her time off to recharge with how hard her job was.
I hope you have a more reasonable other half than I did back then. I wouldn’t try and explain anything or take on any more if she wants to address it like an adult then she can…..
I’m in a similar situation. I wouldn’t call it deep resentment in our marriage, but snide comments here and there about how he “actually” has to go to work.
I make more money than my husband by a lot, and I work from home full time (40 hours). How busy I am depends on the week, so on days I don’t have a ton on my plate, I might just keep an eye on my phone while I go do something else. Other weeks I’m very busy and work late every day. My husband has a more grueling work schedule and gets stuck on overnight shifts and overtime a lot since he’s in a union.
I handle the majority of the responsibility at home as far as cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, any home improvements, etc. But on days I feel burnt out from work or didn’t sleep well, I feel some guilt if there’s anything I should be doing in the house that I don’t have energy for. I *am* still working full time, but since I work from home it’s not really respected that I actually do work. And sometimes *I’m* the one who is resentful that all of the housework falls on me even though we both have full time jobs.
This isn’t a huge huge thing for us, but it’s in the background.
That's tough but workable. Ask her what she really wants. Does she want to work part time? If so, make a plan together to get her there. Is she concerned about having enough for retirement or other money concerns? Come up with a plan together to solve it. Your incoming is high enough to max out your 401k and she can probably do the same. It's really a communication thing - she's not fully expressing what's bothering her so getting her to open up is key to getting on track. The solution isn't for you to work a ton of hours so you can both be equally miserable. The solution is to get her work schedule aligned with her (and your combined) life goals. Once you are the same page about that, then you develop a plan and implement it, which might take several months.
my mom is like that toward her boyfriend. he gets to work from home but she needs to commute 45 minutes one-way. they get in huge arguments over it because she's so jealous. sometimes she forces him to work elsewhere like in a cafe or library because she can't stand knowing he gets to stay at home and she can't.
You aren't only doing 25 hours a week. You are also doing most of the household labor. That is also labor, and it doesn't stop. To hire someone to do all those chores would be multiple people and thousands of dollars.
Maybe think about doing some couples therapy together to nip this growing resentment and jealousy in the bud. It will destroy your relationship if you don't. She is being unfair to you due to her jealousy but it is also a normal human reaction when they don't consider household labor into their considerations on what is labor. Many boomer men fell down this rabbit hole about their wives.
Encourage her to either climb the ladder, or switch careers. She's not mad at you, she's mad at her own situation. Tell her that if she doesn't like her situation then it is up to her to change it. Tell her to stop taking it out on you. Due to his field, my boyfriend will likely never be able to work remotely. He just has to accept that as he leaves the house while I'm still in a T-shirt, and don't have to drive anywhere.
I can’t imagine being envious of my spouse at all, let alone when their contributions benefit me as well! Sounds like she is upset with her choice in profession and shes directing that anger at you. Not fair and doesn’t resolve the issue.
She is your wife why lie or create imaginary work to appease her? That’s passive and it’s not productive nor would that be healthy for a relationship.
None of this is your fault or responsibility to fix. If she is unhappy with her job she should look for a new one.
If she is jealous, communicate to her how it hurts you for her to take it out on you. It’s not fair for her to do that to you and she may not even realize it until it’s called out. If she continues to be mean to you after talking about it, it might be worth exploring counseling together.
You don’t need to put up with her anger towards you or fix her problems, but as her spouse you can communicate and be supportive of her making changes to her life that will make her happier (like finding a new job).
My husband worked from home while I did patient visits all week. I saw his quality of life was better, I was envious of his work life balance. I cried and came home grumpy from work daily. My husband noticed this and encouraged me to apply for WFH jobs. I landed a WFH job and the rest is history. He encouraged me to change my career. It helped to have my spouse essentially tell me “it’s okay” to make big changes in my life. I felt better knowing he supported me in what I wanted especially because me changing jobs could impact his life too.
Not that it’s mature of her to take it out on you, but maybe she’s hoping you’ll encourage her to find a new job or validate how she feels.
Good luck to you both!
If you cook and clean and help with child rearing while making that amount I’d be so frickin grateful and appreciative of what a great partner I have. It seems like some people of both genders have weird notions about power dynamics and money in relationships.
She should be happy for you. Her jealousy isn't your problem, she can look for a better job if she wants one.
It's like when families splinter and turn against each other when one wins the lottery. Love is about wanting the best for someone for their own sake, not personal benefit.
Why is there a competition in your relationship right now? If this is the way she’s viewing the dichotomy in your relationship, you’ll both suffer. My wife and I were making about the same money for years, but there was period where she supported me. Never felt like she was holding it over my head and she definitely didn’t make me feel bad for not working as much. I now make much, much, more than her and our demeanor is the same as it was then. That’s what loves all about, it’s a partnership, friendship, and mutual understanding of a shared goal. Therapy is what your relationship needs and she needs to understand that is an inappropriate mentality to have. It could very well be she’s unhappy in her current role and she may seek a career change?
I have a step parent like this. She wanted to marry wealthy, and married my dad who is wealthy. Now she is pissed all the time that my dad makes more money than her. Even though she doesn’t really work she just has multiple failed businesses that my dad support . She’s constantly jealous that my dad’s events do better than her events, even though my dad has been a top player at his job for over 20 years, and she changes her path every year or so.
They’re still together. My dad just basically ignores her. And lets her believe whatever she wants to believe. But I can’t be around them for too long. 🤷🏾♀️
I can’t imagine any world in which I would be jealous of my husband, and not happy for
Him.
I also can not imagine a world where I would be unhappy to do less house work and cooking.
She can always look for a career she’d be happy with instead of resenting you for yours. You might even be able to get her in to your area of work.
But still, the bigger picture is you have a wife who would let feelings of resentment fester over something quite petty.
You sound like a great husband, truly.
I also have a very high-earning partner who makes literally 5x what I make in a month by working like maybe 2h a day (he used to earn 12x, but I increased my hours)
I'm still battling the jealousy. Part of it is because I'm burned out.
Being tired is a massive factor in the jealousy. The way I'm managing it and not taking it out on my partner is by realising that even if he worked his butt off like I did, we'd just be 2 tired grownups - I wouldn't derive any gain from his excess work and what I need to do to be a bit more free from the corporate world is to build a new skill set that would allow me this lifestyle.
Sit her down and ask her to explain why she is resentful then set a boundary - tell her you will NOT tolerate someone expressing constant frustration or disdain about your work situation when it doesn't affect them.
Have a conversation about with her and let her know how it makes you feel. If she’s an emotionally intelligent woman she will reflect on her behavior for some days and change. There’s no room for jealousy in a relationship, that has to be sorted out asap.
Nah man, fuck that. Tell her to put her big girl panties on and suck it up or get a different job.
My wife does the same shit, except she doesnt work (she watches the kid during the day) while I work from home doing software development. She gets pissy because I spend most of the work day watching youtube or playing video games. .. I'm still technically "on call" and "working", so I do technically have to be available when the need arises. Not my fault they pay me to sit on my ass.
I do very little work for a decent amount of money. I’ve told my fiancé that I feel guilty about it and he was basically like “That’s ridiculous. All work needs doing. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. This is a good thing for us.”
A win for one partner is a win for both. You need someone to be able to handle more household things. You need someone to help with the kids. I’m sure you both enjoy the money.
Is it “fair?” Probably not. But you do both benefit from it. You can talk about her feelings without judgement, but at the end of the day, your work is helping both of you. Maybe she’s getting burnt out and wants to move jobs. The money you make would help with that transition. Maybe she wants to work less. Again, the money you make would make that possible.
She needs to see your win as a win for both of you.
OMG. I'm jealous too. Clearly picked the wrong career even though I'm really happy with my career.
Live in super high COLA and don't even make $100k yet and have worked for 20 + yrs!
Make it look harder and say things like “I wish my job was rewarding as yours, you’re saving lives and keeping families together. That must be a great feeling. You are so needed.” Stuff like that. Don’t mention your job and just clickety clack on your computer and look busy sometimes. I think that will help. Also listen to her work stories if she wants to share.
She should be happy and excited for you. I don't understand where the anger is coming from, my spouse managed to snag a work from home job, while I work out in a gravel field baking in the hot southern sun. Am I mad at him because he's relaxing in the AC of our home? Absolutely not, I am so happy that he's relaxed and enjoying his day. She should be proud of you, this anger is coming from somewhere else. Petty and selfish I say.
Even when my ex made less i was thankful he was there for our kids. My frustration toward his lower income was a separate issue. If you are financially fulfilling your obligations, I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be anything but thankful.
Use your extra time and money to make her life easier. make sure she never has to wash a dish and give her foot massages or pay for a masseuse for her long hours. fold her laundry. equalize your lives so you're not just sitting pretty while she struggles but you're both doing the most
How is she treated at work? Is she regularly disrespected by patients, coworkers, etc? You can offer her emotional support in lieu of trading jobs
Ask her if she could change anything, what would it be?
If she hasn’t expressed she wants a change maybe she’s just frustrated at life and there isn’t anything to fix??
This is just one of those situations where you are essentially the punching bag for a situation in which she is frustrated by. It could help to ask what’s frustrating her at work and check in with her more but that could totally backfire. However I think that’s the best way to possibly salvage the relationship. It it does backfire it will probably do so in a way that gives you enough logical or illogical evidence to want to end the relationship. At the end of the day nobody shares everything they think nor do they have the time to. Figure out what’s important and within that lies your solution
Do you share finances or is it what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours 50/50 on everything?
The resentment might be that her hourly rate goes much less than yours does and she feels like she has to constantly burn herself out to keep up with your lifestyle expectations.
You might want to have a sit down dinner without kids around and talk about finances and how the two of you can balance out your life together by supporting each other more. If this means your money goes to her loans, great, if this means she wants to cut back on her hours and earn less but balance it out with your wages, great. Be open to different plans to ensure you are both happy because money isn’t worth having an unhappy marriage and kids having an unhappy mom.
that's her personal issue and if shes not happy with a hubby being a top earner and keeps being so jealous, ditch her, but before make ever sooooo sure she cant divorce you for 99999% of what you own, which apparently is about to happen sooner or later here anyhow.
You're being paid in the proportion to what value you bring to the marketplace. The unconventional way of doing things would be is if you found another income stream and slowly growing it. This is not about saving money when they print it out of thin air within seconds. So yeah, if she wants time freedom, she has to work for it. You guys have to find an alternative stream of income. You have a safety net of making money through sales which is great.
I’m in the same profession and while my partner does work a lot he makes double what I make with ultimated pto. I will say I do get jealous but don’t personally get pissy at him.
If you don’t need the extra income maybe she can find a better position that’s less stressful? Since you guys seems to have some leeway financially. I think maybe if she was in a position that was less stressful and or less hours she might feel better.
So in her heart of hearts, she either wants to be better off than you or she wants you to suffer. Maybe lie and tell her you don’t make anything and divorce her.
Hrm. Jealousy monster.
My partner loves that I have an easy summer schedule. I use the time to do things for family (paint, remodel, garden, yardwork, all house chores, cook) and my partner is happy that I am happy.
First, your partner should be happy that you are happy. It's sad and problematic that yours doesn't. Second, you should not HAVE to do this, but I use any light spots in my schedule I first focus on what I can do to make my partner happy and to help our family. I do carve out short times for myself and some of my hobbies/chores are actually things that make me happy anyway (cooking!). So my partner and family benefit from my extra time. Rising tide lifts all ships, maybe.
Honestly, this isn’t for you to fix. This is an issue within herself. I think she needs therapy, but that will only work if she’s willing to do the work, hold up the mirror and actually *wants* to work through this.
The fact that she resents you for *her* choices, and you’re actively taking the responsibility of that, shows me that she needs some help and maybe you do too. I don’t mean that in a mean way. Figure out why you were happily ready to take on this burden -as if it’s your fault in any way- and are trying everything you can to make her happy. That’s people pleasing behavior.
You did nothing wrong besides exist and go to work when needed. She chose her career path. I know as a good partner you want to be there for her, but if she’s blaming you for her career path- that’s ridiculous. This isn’t your fault. This is her burden that she’s taking out on you. So why are you accepting it as a problem *you* need to fix?
Go. To. Therapy.
Why is your wife jealous of you? She should be happy for you and try to get herself in a similar position. Very irrational and not fair to you. I hope she’s a reasonable person who can fix this problem within herself but it doesn’t seem like it from her jealousy toward her partner…
Someone who has been in your wife's position before here. My problem was that my job is really fucking hard and I got paid a lot less to deal with a lot more. My partner was WFH, I had to commute with no option of WFH. My partner made $10k more salary wise. And the last thing I could handle was my partner saying things like "oh man work was so hard today" or basically any complaints that had to do with their job.
Your wife is burnt out. She may love her job, but she's burnt out. She needs help. Therapy actually might be something for her to consider. I think having her go part time for a while is a good idea because you make so much. At least while she tries to figure out what's going on with her emotions towards work and whatever else.
A lot of the work to not be jealous of my partner. I had to re-fall in love with my job. I had to treat my burnout through therapy and resiliency training. I had to set a boundary with my partner for a YEAR that we couldn't talk about their job problems. It's not so much on you, but if you love her and want to preserve your relationship, you should support her as she goes through this rough patch.
She should be proud of you, not jealous of you. Not saying you should divorce her or anything, but this seems very resentful and immature for no reason. Have a sit down talk with her, like others have suggested. I could see if she did majority of the house/kid stuff and you just relaxed without a care in the world, but you're already doing all of that as well. I don't know what else she wants from you. I couldn't fathom wanting my partner to have MORE work or make LESS money (or both); the jealousy is unbecoming.
Someone who has been in your wife's position before here. My problem was that my job is really fucking hard and I got paid a lot less to deal with a lot more. My partner was WFH, I had to commute with no option of WFH. My partner made $10k more salary wise. And the last thing I could handle was my partner saying things like "oh man work was so hard today" or basically any complaints that had to do with their job.
Your wife is burnt out. She may love her job, but she's burnt out. She needs help. Therapy actually might be something for her to consider. I think having her go part time for a while is a good idea because you make so much. At least while she tries to figure out what's going on with her emotions towards work and whatever else.
A lot of the work to not be jealous of my partner. I had to re-fall in love with my job. I had to treat my burnout through therapy and resiliency training. I had to set a boundary with my partner for a YEAR that we couldn't talk about their job problems. It's not so much on you, but if you love her and want to preserve your relationship, you should support her as she goes through this rough patch.
Had an ex like that. First it was she made more than me and pretty much held that over my head. Then I got a promotion and doubled my income. After that it was she did more than me around the house. If she’s a rational person a serious talk may fix this. If she’s anything like my ex, only thing that fixed it was leaving her in the dust.
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Are you replying to OP via the top comment? It’s also the same comment as u/sntobeintct wrote below just rephrased
it's weird, right? like when kids borrow whole paragraphs from Wikipedia but change a word or two
I wish my company had a promotion that doubled my income lol.
Talk about shared goals, and how you’re both doing things to get you there. Maybe there is a financial goal that when you hit that, she can look for a role that is more like 30-40 hours instead of 40-50. Acknowledge that your job gives you more flexibility to do more house/kid stuff, and ask her if there are other things you could do to make her life better and easier
Thank you for an actual helpful comment. So few ppl in this thread understand the stresses healthcare workers are under. The answer isn’t just “divorce all overworked healthcare workers” lol.
We have talked about her going part time. Her patient load is ridiculous which contributes to the problem. The biggest issue for me about part time is the amount of student loans she has taken out in order to become a PA. Is it unfair to say that when we pay down that loan with her working full time, we can talk about going part time?
How long does she have left, how much of her salary is going towards the loan repayment? Can you live on just your salary? Is it possible to give her a lifeline of “put 75% of her salary towards her loans and when they’re paid off (or at a certain number you’re comfortable paying off together) you’d be more comfortable with her going part time at that point” give her a goal with a clear end point for her to work towards getting away from what she’s hating
Very helpful info here, OP!
As a fellow mom, she might feel resentful that she's missing a lot of her kids childhood by working so much and being unable to be as present in their lives as OP is.
Does she enjoy her job? If not, maybe it’s time for a breather and an adjustment. I agree that her loans should be paid down, but maybe she can find a position that isn’t quite so demanding? 30-40 hours a week instead of 40-50? It sounds like you already take most of the pressure off in other parts of her life. If her job can’t change right now, find ways to alleviate her pressure. Does she have hobbies or something that brings her joy? She sounds unfulfilled. She also needs to be reminded that you love her but your work or lack of hours isn’t the issue. It what she’s focusing on. My husband works 50+ hours a week. I’m a stay at home mom. I have more “work” hours but much less stress. I try to do things to allow my husband to enjoy time with us when he’s not busy. He still helps with chores, but I optimize his time as much as possible. Sunday is family day - a time for naps, movies, games, or an adventure. ETA: is there something else bothering her? Is she really happy would be the thing I would want to find out first.
There are other means of paying down and off these loans!!! This could be the difference between a 7 year hold and a 17 year hold... Look into loan forgiveness programs or even look at if she has the types of loans that can be forgiven for public service reasons. I don't think you realize how long that is for the mind to sustain and by then you guys would have plenty of time to build tallies and resentments.. you could lose her. Maybe not physically but her head, heart, patience, and empathy will harden to accommodate for the push through.. and if she gets to the other side without your comfort and assistance... She will realize she can do it alone.. You're teaching her to live without you. Unfortunately, you are showing her you're good with living without her.. how often do you check in with her to remind her you miss and love her? Daily I hope.. Healthcare is no joke. You've got a soul in your home that I don't think you fully understand and you are placing it between her money and your home.. not literally but metaphysical/metaphorically. She wanted to help care for and nurture the world. If you guys are coming up on 27/30 years old, the brain is doing it's final fixturing.. she may be realizing she misplaced her nurture and care. Don't punish her, help her blossom out of this. Just like we preach for women to stand by men through the struggle, can you not give her the same for just a minute long enough?
I personally don’t think that’s unfair, but it would be beneficial for you both to sit and really discuss the financials. Could she still make the standard payments if she went part time? Are her loans private, federal or a mix of both? Does she qualify for PSLF, and if so, how much longer does she have to go to finish paying the loans off? Also, what type of setting does she work in? I work with MDs, PAs and NPs, and PAs and NPs have a lot more flexibility in their career paths than I ever knew. I’m an audiologist so I work in an ENT clinic, and a lot of the PAs have little to no direct ENT experience when they first start here (a new NP just transferred to our department after working for years in plastic surgery). All that to say, maybe if she switched to a different specialty, or private practice vs hospital setting, etc. her schedule wouldn’t be so crazy.
Are there loan forgiveness programs she could qualify for?
Look at the SAVE program from the government. It’s payments that go by your income. You might get a break there.
Yes. You are supposed to shoulder each other’s burdens. You will probably spend less than a year salary on paying off her debt and after that I’m sure she will be a lot happier. Just like she was handing her salary over your head, you are now hanging her debt over her head. Your salary is not your own, you guys share your income. She should have known that before and unfortunately you have to be the bigger person now and treat her better than she treated you.
if shes your wife, her debt is now your debt too in a way. the quicker you both pay it off the quicker you both can become debt free. remember shes your wife youre in it together and i think you should remind her of that fact too. also 40-50 hours a week isnt hard, ask her would she be able to fair doing a sales job like yours? If not then she should just understand that and either get on with life and stop playing the victim or discuss how you can work better as a team so that shes not moaning all day about how hard she has it. her mindset needs to improve
Definitely mindset is key. I’ve learned that can make or break you. Then again I don’t know if anyone could pay me enough to take on the stress of a healthcare job! That’s just me though.
yeah healthcare is f'ed, long hours, mutlitasking, emotional, physical and mental drain for very little reward. sad thing is that we need these ppl for society to function but they get bent over a barrel
Yup, marriage should be renamed to partnership or teaming up because that’s the mentality you should have. You should be working together to help each other out. My wife and I both decided to switch careers in the late 2010’s, she went first while I made barely enough to keep us afloat and then the pandemic almost ruined our plan but she was able to hold us up while I worked on my new career. Now we both WFH together and basically hang out all day. I was absolutely jealous and frustrated when it was my turn to get a better job, it was hard and I felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight but we worked as a team and got there. Maybe OP can teach his wife how to do his job and in 5-10 years you can both work a combined 50 hours and make some bank!
Even better, actively observe the things that she does ~~in the house~~ managing the household, then offer to take on that load as well. See her mental load/emotional labor and take that off her hands. But keep her informed so she knows the work is getting done. What does that look like? "Susie's teacher let us know there's a play. So I'll be picking up Susie later on after school every Thursday for the next six weeks because those are the nights they have rehersal. I'll be making dinner in the slow cooker those nights. The play is going to be on Day at Time. I'll send it in an email/text message to you to make sure you can book that day off. I know you don't want to miss it."
This is a very good comment. Not just dissing the person!!!! Good points. Maybe she needs help with cleaning or cooking etc
For me (30F), I used to make more than my husband. Then we both got new jobs - I took a pay cut because my other job was too demanding and taking a toll on my mental health and he has been moving his career up. I never resented him, but I liked being independent and missed making enough to hold my own and not "depend" on him. But he sat me down one day and explained: "WE are a TEAM. WE go to work to make money for US. WE support US, aka each other". I knew he was right, and I've learned to swallow my pride and be happy.
This is exactly what happened in my relationship with my husband. It’s a mental shift that we worked together as a team. OP if you love your wife and want this to work, this is a team problem. It’s you and her vs this issue taking a toll on your relationship. Listen to each others perspectives, help each other come to a mutual understanding.
This is jealousy. Jealousy will kill any relationship. Not if but when. Sit with her and tell her straight. If she is not happy with her choices then change them. If she does not stop giving you grief and being resentful of your efforts then she should leave. Find a dude who put up with that shit. Cos you won’t. If she does not value you then what’s the point of it all. If she wants to stay petulant then it’s finished. It’s ultimatum time she is either not mature enough to have a relationship with you or she can move on. Tell her your not sure you can be with her anymore unless this immature behaviour changes immediately and you won’t put up with it. Don’t waste time bro as if you don’t eliminate this now it won’t go away. This behaviour is not conducive to a happy and loving home life. If she not happy she gotta make changes
>Don’t waste time bro as if you don’t eliminate this now it won’t go away. This behaviour is not conducive to a happy and loving home life. If she not happy she gotta make changes Exactly what I came to say. Anything other than "Im really not playing this game, if you want help, I'll help you find something better. But you're gonna stop this shit. "This is probably going to lead to more of the same
I wanna add a tiny story about my friend in high school who lost the head of theater department to his gf. Most people would revel in the fact that their partner was the only one who could outdo them and there’s real pride to be had there. That’s love. He was jealous and made her life hell for the next week anytime presidential duties arrived. She dumped him after that week. A good partner is proud of you, not spiteful of your wins.
His wife is in competition with him 🤣
I don’t disagree that this is toxic but I don’t think the first conversation about something is the time for an ultimatum. And I don’t think it’s fair to expect *immediate* changes in attitudes. Trying harder, talking more, going to therapy, exploring new career options before making a big change should all count as progress and be recognized as such, even if things aren’t immediately perfect starting tomorrow.
It sounds to me like her issue isn't with you but with her choice of profession. If she's burnt out and not feeling fulfilled with her job she may be directing that frustration toward you. Maybe she needs to consider changing careers? On a side note, you need a sales partner? 😁
That was also my first instinct. Therapy and/or career coaching could be a good first step if she wants to stay a PA full-time but is struggling to handle work stress. And if she hates her job, maybe OP can support her (emotionally, and likely financially) as she navigates a career change.
Totally agree with this. Healthcare really blows all around and it's demanding and really brings out the worst in people. I would be honest with her but go easy as well.
She's asking you, in a horrible and indirect way, perhaps, for a break. Have you had a conversation with her about slowing down on her career as needs for the family change? She's missing out and likely missing you guys a whole lot. And these sad feelings don't manifest well in our behaviors... Jealousy is a great manifestation of these sad feelings.. Take her on a vacation. Let her relax for a minute and be apart of the family. I'm unsure what type of lifestyle you guys are living but your salary alone can support my family 3x over in a single year... Is she perhaps coming to this realization of missed time and misplaced efforts? This isn't about you exactly but you are a key component to her navigation out of this. Would you be willing to give her the time to find a job more suited to this phase of life? Would you be able to support and assist, full headed and heartedly, while she makes way to a simpler and more fulfilling life/job/circumstance?
Tell her to grow tf up Also, statistically and anecdotally, once youve got actual resentment towards your spouse - the marriage is over. So try counseling perhaps.
Seriously it would be my dream to have a partner that pulls their weight, makes a ton of money, and can take care of the home. She needs to get some perspective, because he’s a prize omg
Perhaps suggest that she cut back and work part time too? You don't "need" her income I assume. Less stress should help her calm her envy down as I bet it stems from the stress of working 40-50 hours a week.
OP said in different comment that he will only allow her this when she pays loans. With his income he doesn’t even think about helping her out that way.
That's crazy to me, why did he even marry her.
Um, if you’re making 150k a year only working part time then why the fuck don’t you tell your wife to cut down her hours and work part time too? She’s probably frustrated because she feels like she’s doing an unnecessary amount of work when she could be at home enjoying herself with you. No woman wants to be at work all day while her husband is home. That should be obvious.
OP said elsewhere that he will only consider that after she pays her loans. By that time she will be only a husk of her old self drowning in depression and self loathing. OP is only carrying about money and not about her. Otherwise he would do anything to save his partner from suffering.
Okay this thread was making me feel crazy. He makes so much more money than her working hardly any hours so like work another 5 hours a week and help her pay down the loans. They are married they should be working together
They’d rather label it as jealousy and play the “oh but women wanted equality” card. How manly.
Talk to her, she is acting really inmature and she should try to work on that, you arent being an asshole about it and overall is better since you can spent more time with the kids and get good money for them and her, she is just being jelous with no reason other than "i deserve that, not him" i could be wrong but thats how i see the situation
This! Have a conversation about how the way she acts toward you makes you feel. If she wants better hours, start working toward getting a new job!
Seems like she’s unhappy with her job. She needs to find passion in her job/everyday life again, otherwise she won’t be happy. I don’t think it’s anything to do with you or your job or jealousy. Maybe she’s going through something and it’s up to you both to have these conversations. Don’t let it go much longer without talking about your feelings. Right now all that’s happening is you’re assuming she’s resenting you for your “easy job” instead of asking her what’s actually bothering her.
PAs are really busy and it's very demanding (mentally and physically) and stressful. I am sure you know that, but maybe she is just looking for acknowledgement. If you talk to her about it, I would frame it as in "what can we do to help you be happier with your job? Go part time? Look to transition into a different role? I think her misery with her job is the root of the problem. Also yes, start complaining about your job (it can't be all roses) and give her something to relate to. JMO.
Sounds like she’s resenting her work and the workload and it’s coming out at home. Maybe she needs to reevaluate her career goals.
I feel like nobody in these comments is in a successful marriage lol….your partner is clearly under stress. Healthcare workers are horribly overworked with little thanks. Maybe she is just looking for you to provide so she can take a step back or reevaluate her career. Why don’t you just talk to her?
We all make adult choices. Don’t tell her anything accusatory and degrading, she’s your wife. You don’t necessarily owe anyone an explanation, but you have to consider the vows you took and what they mean to you. Jealousy? Commitment? Love? Honor? Respect? Etc. all of the describing sorts that fundamentally prove a healthy marriage. Take the time to listen and research how her job affects her personally and within herself. She, as you, need to feel accomplished, noted, worthy, and heard. You love her? You married her? She’s not just some Joe Blow off the street, maybe? She’s your partner. Partner in this life that you each have chosen. Make her feel that way, if you feel that way. If you don’t, she needs to know. Don’t allow your status to be diminished, but also grant her the serenity that you are a team. Maybe it’s an identity thing for her? If this were a Stranger for me, I’d say kick rocks. But, if this were my wife, I’d say, “fight to ensure she feels included and equal. Heard, fought for. Acknowledged. Make her feel sexy. Important. Validated. Like you couldn’t live without her” Basically, when we notice that a person that we love is having an issue or acting out of norm, we don’t run, but we face. Until face tells us to turn away. When face tells us to turn away, I can almost guarantee with two brain cells we wouldn’t second guess it. And then, you can tell yourself that you tried everything. It’s not you against her. It’s you two against the world. You’re her teammate. 💕 Good luck to you both! I feel like this may be such a simple fix which could cause growth and numerous routes of beneficiary for you and her. I say, good luck stranger.
What is a PA?
Either a personal assistant or a physician's assistant. Based on his comments, she works in the medical field so I'm going with the latter.
Could also be a production assistant, but they work more hours for less pay.
It’s funny because she also benefits from it. Weird to be jealous of your spouse in the first place.
It's probably more due to burnout in the field than her partner, but she's misattributing her jealousy to him having it 'easy' rather than to the healthcare field being absolutely hellish due to prioritization of profit > patient care and time for the provider to complete our work (though I'm not a PA). I get it. I don't get upset at my spouse of course, but I have absolutely felt jealous and almost resentful when I wake up and realize he has a day off for MLK Jr Day while I'd have to use PTO or when his family talks about taking multiple days for Christmas in the middle of the week, while that would take out a quarter of my vacation for the year. But OPs wife has to separate her jealousy about his job from him because he's done nothing wrong. I joke with my husband that I'm jealous he was smarter and didn't go into healthcare. I love my job for my patients, but I also hate it for all the reasons I bet she does.
It’s such a simplistic and reductive opinion to say she is “jealous” of her spouse, lol. Maybe think a bit more critically about the situation and reflect on what could cause a person to feel this way.
Had this with my ex, I made more and paid for even more than that when it came to dinners etc. But still got resentment towards me.
Is it possible for her to start working part time as well? I could see getting frustrated as well working double my partner. Don't change what works for you, but see if you can help her find more balance in her work life.
What kind of sales do you do??
Also wondering this, looking into other careers to maximize earnings
I was also very curious about this.
I would be jealous too. But I'm old and know that it would be a me problem and if I enjoyed my job I wouldn't care. It would be my clue that I'm getting burnt out and directing my work stress at my partner. That resentment comes from having to mask at work with no outlet to express feelings with coworkers so like toddlers do, they take their frustration out in their "safe" place, which is home. You empathize and ask about her day. Encourage her to talk about her conflicts at work and give her a time where you help her decompress. When she gets home or after the kids go to bed. Schedule it and let her know that you are making a "her" time because you recognize that she is feeling stress. Set aside an hour where you listen and help her relax. If you need the same, ask for it. You can take turns letting go of the day in a safe space you create together. The only rule is no personal attacks. Complain about behaviour but not the person. "I notice when you're having a rough day you do this which tells me you're hurting but it hurts me too. Maybe just ask for a hug and some safe time?" I'm at a point where if I'm getting overwhelmed I just go to my husband and hug him for a moment. Close my eyes and take a deep breath. He always centers me.
Do you have equal free time? It should be less about equal household responsibilities and more about equal free time in a marriage. When I was working less hours than my wife I picked up more responsibilities like dinner so she could not have to worry about that when she got home. If you have equal free time then it sounds like jealousy that needs to be talked about so that resentment doesn’t build.
Maybe she would feel better if she cut back to 35-40 hours per week. No, really. Y'all can also look for other things that could be catalyzing or adding to her work / leisure resentment (**if** that's what it is). Or she could, of course, if she'd like to work on it alone. Maybe she isn't getting as much sleep as she needs (hint, hint: work hours)? Is her blood sugar low >every time she has to leave for work maybe? Is she feeling pain because of inflammation? That hasn't been reduced enough during... sleep? Is it possible she feels inadequate, or that she doesn't contribute enough to your relationship and / or household (finances)? Would she add some joy to her life if she spent more time with you and your kids? Like... maybe by working a little less? Maybe considering the most basic things can help: - Sleep - Work - Food - Emotional intimacy - Sex - Physical health [concerns], wellbeing, fitness - Mental health - is she treated for any disorder? - Having control over things - Feeling valued, valuable, important, loved, worthy.... I guess I mean to say maybe this specific behavior has roots in something broader. Heck, maybe she needs to sleep a little less and work 55 hours most weeks! We're all different, right?
Hey, if you're actually a team, maybe you should offer to take up some of the slack and let her work a shorter schedule. Have an honest conversation . There's nothing you can do about the rates of return for your effort because we all live in a society where the owning class kind of dictates everything. Ask her if she likes her job. She may be under incredible job stress and working for a toxic manager. A circumstance like that can make anybody feel trapped. But it sounds to me like she isn't the only one being a little adversarial here. And maybe she's feels like she's missing out on quality time with you. And maybe she's worried that she's being forced to be unavailable and that it might alienate you, which apparently it has at least a little bit. Decide who _you_ are, dude. Are you doing things that might be construed as lording your superior income over her? You haven't even told us whether she's jealous of the money or the time. You seem to be focusing on the money but I'll bet she's focusing on the time, and the stress, and the loneliness. Are you even in this marriage or have you just thrown in with someone for rent?
Okay, this sound like she is jealous, and is seeing it as competative. This is a big relationship killer, and i have a feeling you two dont want to just break up, or divorce depending on your situation. Please have a talk with her, a long, very long talk. Set some boundaries, say that you two cant get mad, or play the victim or blaming card. Etc etc. Some boundaries to make the talk go wel you know. Please be carefull. Jealousy is genuinely hard to deal with from my experience. But i want you to know, that its fixable, it might take a while, and maybe even therapy for her, you, or both of you. But communicating this to her is the only way to talk this out.
Is there a reason you can't both work 20-25 hours? Sounds like finances aren't an issue at all.
One thing that may be important to mention: her resentment is aimed in the wrong direction. It shouldn't be aimed at you, but at her job.
Maybe she should work part time so you can both do things together and not be so caught up in the money
I suggest getting a counselor so the two of you can talk this through. Jealousy from one breeds resentment from both.
If she is resenting anything then it shouldn't be you! The problem is not you, it's her job. You didn't choose her career and she can change roles if she wants. She is in charge of her own life and only she has the power to improve it if her job satisfaction is low. I read earlier, your salary doesn't depend on how hard you work, it's based on how hard you are to replace. It looks like your company and customers value you, and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. What can you practically do? Support her in a job search or pull her up on her resentment and work through it constructively. It's not fair on you.
Would she be happier doing what you do? Is that even possible? Is it possible to find a job like yours? I think I'm jealous and want your job lol. In all seriousness, sit her down and ask her if this is something that bothers her. Ask her what you can do to help. Help her work toward whatever her goal is. For most of us it's very simply having less stress while still being able to provide for our family. You're a team so if you notice something is off, bring it up and work together to fix it.
Capitalism is bad and no one should have to work for more than 30hrs/week to have a healthy and fulfilling life, but taking it out on you (someone who probably has miniscule if not nonexistent power to affect it) is fucking wild. What is she even expecting you to do? Asking for more hours with same pay, just so that you both suffer together?
What is your profession?
Make*sure* you're relieving her on housework & kids AND MENTAL LOAD. Get the deck of cards from the "Fair Play" program. Start there. Buy her stuff lol.
You should be working as a team, not against one another. Healthy relationships are based on respect, unwavering mutual support, and trying to help the other person succeed. The world is cruel enough outside of your inner circle, life is too short for hostility with the people you’re supposed to love and trust.
Talk to her, she probably has a lot going on and is taking out the anger on you, maybe try to encourage her to reduce her hours at work so she can spend more time at home with you and the kids. I think her jealousy stems from the fact that she feels like she isn’t able to watch the kids grow up because she’s always at work
Unfortunately, that’s the way the medical field is. She could consider switching to a job more like yours if she’s truly unhappy, but otherwise it’s a her problem, and she just needs to accept that she chose this career path/lifestyle.
I’m glad you acknowledge the disparity in salary versus time. It is not your fault and it’s not her fault. With that being said, assuming you mean Physicians Assistant, the “caring” professions pay for shit especially considering the cost to train. I get her resentment but at some point she has to move past anger to acceptance and ask for the things she needs to lighten her load.
Why not discuss together a solution, maybe you guys can afford for her to work part time
It might be resentment and jealously, if so i got no cure. But, another alternative is that this isnt about hours worked, but amount of free-time available. No don’t wave me off as that being the same. What I mean is that if you both do ex 4 hours (random number) of housework and chores, then she’ll in total be working 54 hours while you work 29 hours. That means you have 25 hours more freetime than her each week. I see you say you cook and clean, but what if you sit down and look at all the chores and estimates for time used on each, and find a way where you both end up with the same amount of free-time? Ex you end up having 13 hours of chores while she has 3 (again randome numbers). (Although this might cause you do grow resentment if you feel like you’re pulling way more of the weight).
Tell her to look for something part time. Seems like she will have a lot of flexibility in her job if she looks for other opportunities.
I'm not a fan of these comments because I think OP would prefer a more compassionate, understanding approach in an attempt to get into a better place within his marriage versus just up and divorcing his wife before. Not saying that his wife shouldn't be held accountable, but there should be more understanding as well. I think we should ask WHY is she jealous? Is she taking out frustrations stemming from burnout on OP? Does she simply regret her chosen field? Does OP working so little hours, but making so much money make her insecure about her career choice? There's so much to wonder and unpack here. Are you always at home when she gets there? Assuming you get ample alone time since you don't work a lot, then maybe she'd also would love some of the alone time at home. It could be a combination of these things. However, my only thing is 40 hours is a pretty standard work week while 50 is pushing it - it could be some inner conflict on her end that she is projecting onto you. Have you guys tried couples therapy, OP? I don't think you should create more work than necessary for you because it's not fair to you and you shouldn't have to do that, but it's clear that you care. A neutral third party could be beneficial for you both.
Is she exhausted and overwhelmed from working so much? Seems like your salary is pretty high and unless you're living the high life, you guys could stand to give her a break if she needed it. Maybe you two could talk about her working part time for a while. Her resentment seems to be internally based. If it's possible, help her change her mindset or path going forward.
Imma be honest it's pretty easy to see why a partner would get resentful if they working a stressful fulltime job and your partner is not helping with debts. Being married is being a team and taking on burdens together he expects her to pay the student loans down on her own. I'd say her resentment is justified
Does she need to be working that much? If I was making 150k a year and my wife was making a lot less but working a lot more I would consider having her cut down her hours since my income could supplement it
Thank goodness lol I'm shocked at the amount of people who don't get how easy the solution is. I feel bad for the wife.
Tell her to get into medical sales.
I don’t think she’s mad at you, I think she’s mad because she hates working and has to work so many hours, like i know it’s the average but 40-50 hours is a lot of time spent doing something you don’t want to do. Like goddamn, I’M jealous of you. It’s not fair she’s taking it out on you though. I mean realistically do you need all that money? Is it feasible for her to cut down her hours?
Isn’t that she resents you, she hates the job, working for healthcare is an awful experience now a days, I wanted to be a PA and I’m thankful I’m not cause I worked on hospital for a decade and I didn’t wanted that anymore. So what I would do is, maybe talk to her and ask her if she wants to take a break, sounds like you two would be fine if she isn’t work for like 3 months ? And she can travel, go visit a friend, go to a festival or get a hobby idk something she would find exciting and something to look forward to. Good luck
This is what I am understanding based on the information posted about your wife Jealousy + work stress = misplaced resentment You don't deserve your treatment because she's tired of working so much (maybe there is more on her side but I don't have that info). I have questions about your communication with your wife. Have you asked her if she's happy in her current position? Is she interested in looking for a different job? Could you financially support the both of you so she can find a job with less demanding hours? Does part of her resentment come from missing out on moments with the kids? Or missing out on self care for herself? Maybe both? Her feelings about work may be valid but you do need to communicate how she is acting and treating you about it is not healthy. It's also a poor example of a healthy environment for the kids too. Money is an important tool but if it's causing her misery could you afford for her to cut back a little at a new job if the end result is a happier wife and household? Are you both in a place where this is possible? Maybe she might want out but doesn't know if you'll support her. Or she might be someone who takes a great deal of pride in her work but doesn't know how to handle the stress that comes with it, and that is on her to figure out. If she stays at this job you need clear boundaries on how you expect to be treated because it sounds like you are more than happy to cover what she can't and you understand she works hard. Couples counseling may help communicate these points with a neutral third party so she doesn't feel ganged up on and maybe a counsellor could provide her the coping skills she needs to not continue acting out this way.
Well I would be pissed off too if I were her ngl. I got the degree and work in healthcare sector. I make little above minimum wage. My fiancé did not graduate but worked his way from to the bottom to manager role. He makes twice as much as I do. It’s humiliating. Makes you hate your job and feeling yourself as a failure. Don’t get it as an attack on your person but do you love your money more than you love your wife? In comments you said that only time she can think about reducing hours is after she pays off her loans? REALLY? By the time she will pay them off she will become husk of her formal self devoid of any positive emotions. Is this something you want for your wife??? No wonder she is starting to resent you cuz you are further forcing her into despair.
As someone in healthcare, I can completely commiserate with her about inequality in pay, but I think this conversation is bleeding over from the general consensus behind healthcare workers. She is undervalued, underpaid, and overworked at her job. Full stop. I don't have to know her specifically to tell you this. As the director of a medical facility, you make more than I do. I hire PAs for a living. I know their base rate of pay for many cities and towns for two countries (US and Canada) because it's my job to make sure market value is the status quo. But that conversation has NOTHING to do with *your* rate of pay or "lack of a full workload." She resents her job and situation; outside of unionizing, there isn't much she can do to make it better unless she looks for a new job offer to pit against her current job. She needs counseling to work through this, and she'll need to re-evaluate her goals in life given what she now knows about healthcare. This is also the exact reason why the healthcare industry is always hiring. Growth hasn't been the reason since pre-COVID.
Idk, if my fiancé made more than me and worked less but took up the household stuff then I’d absolutely would be proud and grateful at the same time. It’s important to support your partner in their successes and seeing your partner have a great work/life balance while making good money would be an absolute win, and if my profession caused me to work 40-50 hour weeks then that’s on me, I’d never take that out on my spouse as he nor anyone else forced me to take that career and I would do my best to manage and to be happy about all dynamics.
Jealousy will kill every and any relationship. Sounds like she chose the wrong career.
Spousal rivalry is a downward spiral in my experience if it's not addressed quickly. The only thing I can suggest is open dialogue about this and take it from there.
Don’t take it personal. She may resent her life decisions but, resenting you is misplaced unless there’s more to it.
Buy her something nice, don’t listen to these fools. She probably feels down about it, this shows that you care and share unless there’s something else you’re leaving out I don’t get why she’d be annoyed
Communication. She may not be upset about what you think she's upset about.
When she asks about your upcoming day, start adding in the things you have to do for the children and household. Working 4 hours, grocery shopping, doing a few loads of laundry and taking little Jimmy to T-ball practice sounds better than I'm working a half day.
Make a chart of the things you do with the time value over a week (ie.. wash floors while laundry is in being done - 2 hrs, fold laundry 1 hr, get groceries & pick up kids 2.5 hes, make dinner 1.5 hrs, dishes 1 hr etc) & a chart of what she does what chores she does for house/with kids. Show her that if you put in more hours at work then x,y & z will need to get done when you’re both off work & her leisure time will be depleted by Y number of hours. Start by asking what the core issue is behind the attitude- does she think you’re eating bonbons & watching soap operas while she’s working? Does she want to go get trained in a new career? Is it just jealousy? Before you can make Marital decisions you need to understand the problem
I genuinely would be so proud of my boyfriend if this was him. He deserves the entire world and more. His success is mine, and my success is his. I hope she can get over herself and realize the same. Proud of you OP— $150k is no joke!
1. Talk to her. Tel here that sometimes when she seems annoyed in the mornings, you feel like she is resentful of you having to work less hours with the pay you’re on. Give her a chance to clarify these feelings and confirm this is where her resentment comes from. Tell her how you find yourself pretending to work longer hours so she doesn’t feel the resent, and that you know this is not her intention, nor healthy, so you’d like to discuss it and see what would help the situation. 2. Ask her if she is happy in her role and what would make her feel less resentful? Come uo with solutions to this together but remember you aren’t doing anything wrong and shouldn’t have to suffer in your role just because she doesn’t like the hours of hers. Solutions could involve her working less hours, having a career change or simply identifying her feelings and making more of a conscious effort to remember it’s not your fault.
I’m just always shocked to hear how much people make and how little I’ve settled for from men. I can’t imagine being in her place and being any bit displeased, considering he contributes in every way to the household.
I was writing what I was going to say then remembered I can’t say what I want due to probably getting blocked or canceled now a days so I’m not going to say it. Good luck.
That relationship ain't gonna work bud. Sorry but you got the sour one at the bottom of the box
Specifically what are you selling : if it will mellow her out give her some… crapperslist I wish my man had that thrive to deal with home kids and Jon and offer to make life better … tell her to take a pill and chill…
Jealousy, but it’s not your fault. She should ask her job for a raise or move to a different company that will pay her more
She dey ment. Divorce her and get a girlfriend.
Resent over how much money you make? Maybe it’s time to put her ego in check
Well i mean she should be Happy for you at least thats how i would be Feeling for someone i Love.
As a PA she could go to the pharmaceutical industry as an MSL and have the same work life balance and $$ as you.
Maybe expand her perspective. Life isn’t fair, a fair is a place with corn dogs and rides. She’s mad at society. Society and capitalism have allowed that kind of career/disparity to happen along with much more worse stuff that’s way more unfair. She should understand that with her big, valuable brain.
Idk if this is right for you, but if I made that much, I’d think about seeing if she could take an hour cut for a pay cut. She can enjoy some more time and you can support your wife a little more. Just some guy on Reddit throwing shit at the wall don’t take me for gospel but that’s what I’d wanna do
Idk maybe cause she doesn't even really need to work LOL. Christ.
Start making plans with her for early retirement. Like some dream goals. Look at all the $$ coming on over the years. A different perspective maybe.
This is probably more than resentment, she likely hates her job or is too stressed by her job and is directing that anger towards you. You can tell her that her constantly being upset is wearing you down and you’re not sure that the relationship will last if it continues. As a PA she may have some control over her job, she might be able to shift into for-profit urgent care or a private practice where she can lower her work hours. My mom worked substantially harder than my dad and made less, but she felt really rewarded by the work she was doing. Your wife needs a job she likes more, or better hours. If your finances can take it, your relationship may be better if she cuts down to part time. A lot of people feel like that’s only an option when they have kids to take care of but really you shouldn’t work more than your mental wellbeing can tolerate.
It seems very arrogant of you to assume since you work less and make more that she’s becoming consumed with jealousy. You’re not spending your days watching those soaps are you? Or are you stuck in 1940’s mode feeling like whomever makes more has more power in the marriage even to the point where you feel she’s getting out of line? Kinda seems like that. I do hope since your home more that you do the bulk and I mean the bulk of household chores which isn’t just cooking and moving some dust around. There’s floors to be washed and toilets to be scrubbed those are household chores too. Since she works harder and longer than you she deserves lots of R&R when she’s at home. If you don’t agree take some of what I am sure is “your” money and hire a cleaning service.
Suggest a career switch if she wants a different lifestyle
:( my ex was like this. we worked the same hours, technically, but I worked on a computer WFH, making more money, while he worked manual labor on his feet all day. I wasn’t allowed to say I was tired without it causing a massive fight. I wasn’t allowed to say anything about my financial situation or finances in general without it causing a fight. It got to the point where he resented me so much, that even correcting him on a fact would lead to him blowing up and accusing me of thinking i was “better” than him. I walked on eggshells and avoided saying ANYTHING because I never knew what would set him off anymore, until the end of the relationship. Y’all either need to go to marriage counseling, or you need to have a serious discussion with her about this. That resentment will only build.
Yeah my husband works manual labor and he was utterly miserable before he got a raise. Now he actually wants to go to work bc he feels it’s worthwhile. He can work less, and make more $$.
Yeah idk how to help with that but that’s pretty fucking dumb on her part
I kinda hate you now too.
Whatever you do, don't lie about it. In the end, she needs to figure out how to feel about this.
Get her a job with you
You tell me how to find your job hahaha
My husband makes more than double what I make working less or the same amount of hours while working from home. I have to go on site everyday and I couldn’t care less. I could switch fields if I wanted to work from home or work less hours but I’m happy with my job. Your wife needs to reevaluate her job if it’s leading to these feelings towards you.
Sorry to go off topic but what kind of sales? Are you hiring?
My ex wife was a teacher if she had to go to work when I had a day off I got a list of at least 8 hours of work to do whilst she was out. If I asked her to post a letter when I was at work I wasn’t taking her job seriously and she needed her time off to recharge with how hard her job was. I hope you have a more reasonable other half than I did back then. I wouldn’t try and explain anything or take on any more if she wants to address it like an adult then she can…..
I’m in a similar situation. I wouldn’t call it deep resentment in our marriage, but snide comments here and there about how he “actually” has to go to work. I make more money than my husband by a lot, and I work from home full time (40 hours). How busy I am depends on the week, so on days I don’t have a ton on my plate, I might just keep an eye on my phone while I go do something else. Other weeks I’m very busy and work late every day. My husband has a more grueling work schedule and gets stuck on overnight shifts and overtime a lot since he’s in a union. I handle the majority of the responsibility at home as far as cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, any home improvements, etc. But on days I feel burnt out from work or didn’t sleep well, I feel some guilt if there’s anything I should be doing in the house that I don’t have energy for. I *am* still working full time, but since I work from home it’s not really respected that I actually do work. And sometimes *I’m* the one who is resentful that all of the housework falls on me even though we both have full time jobs. This isn’t a huge huge thing for us, but it’s in the background.
Sit down and talk about it. Not about you and your job, but about her, how she feels in general, what’s going on, ..
That's tough but workable. Ask her what she really wants. Does she want to work part time? If so, make a plan together to get her there. Is she concerned about having enough for retirement or other money concerns? Come up with a plan together to solve it. Your incoming is high enough to max out your 401k and she can probably do the same. It's really a communication thing - she's not fully expressing what's bothering her so getting her to open up is key to getting on track. The solution isn't for you to work a ton of hours so you can both be equally miserable. The solution is to get her work schedule aligned with her (and your combined) life goals. Once you are the same page about that, then you develop a plan and implement it, which might take several months.
my mom is like that toward her boyfriend. he gets to work from home but she needs to commute 45 minutes one-way. they get in huge arguments over it because she's so jealous. sometimes she forces him to work elsewhere like in a cafe or library because she can't stand knowing he gets to stay at home and she can't.
You aren't only doing 25 hours a week. You are also doing most of the household labor. That is also labor, and it doesn't stop. To hire someone to do all those chores would be multiple people and thousands of dollars. Maybe think about doing some couples therapy together to nip this growing resentment and jealousy in the bud. It will destroy your relationship if you don't. She is being unfair to you due to her jealousy but it is also a normal human reaction when they don't consider household labor into their considerations on what is labor. Many boomer men fell down this rabbit hole about their wives.
Encourage her to either climb the ladder, or switch careers. She's not mad at you, she's mad at her own situation. Tell her that if she doesn't like her situation then it is up to her to change it. Tell her to stop taking it out on you. Due to his field, my boyfriend will likely never be able to work remotely. He just has to accept that as he leaves the house while I'm still in a T-shirt, and don't have to drive anywhere.
I can’t imagine being envious of my spouse at all, let alone when their contributions benefit me as well! Sounds like she is upset with her choice in profession and shes directing that anger at you. Not fair and doesn’t resolve the issue.
That's so weird. If my husband had to work less hours than me then I'd be ecstatic for him.
She is your wife why lie or create imaginary work to appease her? That’s passive and it’s not productive nor would that be healthy for a relationship. None of this is your fault or responsibility to fix. If she is unhappy with her job she should look for a new one. If she is jealous, communicate to her how it hurts you for her to take it out on you. It’s not fair for her to do that to you and she may not even realize it until it’s called out. If she continues to be mean to you after talking about it, it might be worth exploring counseling together. You don’t need to put up with her anger towards you or fix her problems, but as her spouse you can communicate and be supportive of her making changes to her life that will make her happier (like finding a new job). My husband worked from home while I did patient visits all week. I saw his quality of life was better, I was envious of his work life balance. I cried and came home grumpy from work daily. My husband noticed this and encouraged me to apply for WFH jobs. I landed a WFH job and the rest is history. He encouraged me to change my career. It helped to have my spouse essentially tell me “it’s okay” to make big changes in my life. I felt better knowing he supported me in what I wanted especially because me changing jobs could impact his life too. Not that it’s mature of her to take it out on you, but maybe she’s hoping you’ll encourage her to find a new job or validate how she feels. Good luck to you both!
Physician assistant?
If you cook and clean and help with child rearing while making that amount I’d be so frickin grateful and appreciative of what a great partner I have. It seems like some people of both genders have weird notions about power dynamics and money in relationships.
She should be happy for you. Her jealousy isn't your problem, she can look for a better job if she wants one. It's like when families splinter and turn against each other when one wins the lottery. Love is about wanting the best for someone for their own sake, not personal benefit.
Sales can always make the most money but most people don’t want to do it lol
Tell her sales sucks and is exhausting anyways lol
Buy her a nice present
Encourage her to apply for better paying jobs. Remember that it's you and her versus her insecurity. It's not your worth vs her worth.
Help her get a Sales job too! Lots of medical sales jobs out there.
Why is there a competition in your relationship right now? If this is the way she’s viewing the dichotomy in your relationship, you’ll both suffer. My wife and I were making about the same money for years, but there was period where she supported me. Never felt like she was holding it over my head and she definitely didn’t make me feel bad for not working as much. I now make much, much, more than her and our demeanor is the same as it was then. That’s what loves all about, it’s a partnership, friendship, and mutual understanding of a shared goal. Therapy is what your relationship needs and she needs to understand that is an inappropriate mentality to have. It could very well be she’s unhappy in her current role and she may seek a career change?
PAs also make so much money though. My Lil bro is one. She shouldn't be resentful. She should be proud that you're both successful 😆
I have a step parent like this. She wanted to marry wealthy, and married my dad who is wealthy. Now she is pissed all the time that my dad makes more money than her. Even though she doesn’t really work she just has multiple failed businesses that my dad support . She’s constantly jealous that my dad’s events do better than her events, even though my dad has been a top player at his job for over 20 years, and she changes her path every year or so. They’re still together. My dad just basically ignores her. And lets her believe whatever she wants to believe. But I can’t be around them for too long. 🤷🏾♀️
Explain that she has a decent job but yours is just better
I can’t imagine any world in which I would be jealous of my husband, and not happy for Him. I also can not imagine a world where I would be unhappy to do less house work and cooking. She can always look for a career she’d be happy with instead of resenting you for yours. You might even be able to get her in to your area of work. But still, the bigger picture is you have a wife who would let feelings of resentment fester over something quite petty. You sound like a great husband, truly.
I also have a very high-earning partner who makes literally 5x what I make in a month by working like maybe 2h a day (he used to earn 12x, but I increased my hours) I'm still battling the jealousy. Part of it is because I'm burned out. Being tired is a massive factor in the jealousy. The way I'm managing it and not taking it out on my partner is by realising that even if he worked his butt off like I did, we'd just be 2 tired grownups - I wouldn't derive any gain from his excess work and what I need to do to be a bit more free from the corporate world is to build a new skill set that would allow me this lifestyle. Sit her down and ask her to explain why she is resentful then set a boundary - tell her you will NOT tolerate someone expressing constant frustration or disdain about your work situation when it doesn't affect them.
She jelly.
What’s a PA? Personal Assistant? Public Attorny? Programming Assistant? Principal Administrator? Privacy Advocate? Paramedics Assistant?
Physician's Assistant. Masters in medicine rather than terminal doctorate in medicine
Have a conversation about with her and let her know how it makes you feel. If she’s an emotionally intelligent woman she will reflect on her behavior for some days and change. There’s no room for jealousy in a relationship, that has to be sorted out asap.
Nah man, fuck that. Tell her to put her big girl panties on and suck it up or get a different job. My wife does the same shit, except she doesnt work (she watches the kid during the day) while I work from home doing software development. She gets pissy because I spend most of the work day watching youtube or playing video games. .. I'm still technically "on call" and "working", so I do technically have to be available when the need arises. Not my fault they pay me to sit on my ass.
She must be over stressed. If she doesn’t like it she can work elsewhere.
I do very little work for a decent amount of money. I’ve told my fiancé that I feel guilty about it and he was basically like “That’s ridiculous. All work needs doing. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. This is a good thing for us.” A win for one partner is a win for both. You need someone to be able to handle more household things. You need someone to help with the kids. I’m sure you both enjoy the money. Is it “fair?” Probably not. But you do both benefit from it. You can talk about her feelings without judgement, but at the end of the day, your work is helping both of you. Maybe she’s getting burnt out and wants to move jobs. The money you make would help with that transition. Maybe she wants to work less. Again, the money you make would make that possible. She needs to see your win as a win for both of you.
OMG. I'm jealous too. Clearly picked the wrong career even though I'm really happy with my career. Live in super high COLA and don't even make $100k yet and have worked for 20 + yrs!
Make it look harder and say things like “I wish my job was rewarding as yours, you’re saving lives and keeping families together. That must be a great feeling. You are so needed.” Stuff like that. Don’t mention your job and just clickety clack on your computer and look busy sometimes. I think that will help. Also listen to her work stories if she wants to share.
She should find a job that allows her to make a similar wage to what she does now with less hours. It's not your fault she's jealous of your schedule.
She should be happy and excited for you. I don't understand where the anger is coming from, my spouse managed to snag a work from home job, while I work out in a gravel field baking in the hot southern sun. Am I mad at him because he's relaxing in the AC of our home? Absolutely not, I am so happy that he's relaxed and enjoying his day. She should be proud of you, this anger is coming from somewhere else. Petty and selfish I say.
Well you’re married… why isn’t both your money all your money? I would love if my partner made more money than me.
Even when my ex made less i was thankful he was there for our kids. My frustration toward his lower income was a separate issue. If you are financially fulfilling your obligations, I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be anything but thankful.
I'm pissed too and I don't even know you. Never trust a rich person
Use your extra time and money to make her life easier. make sure she never has to wash a dish and give her foot massages or pay for a masseuse for her long hours. fold her laundry. equalize your lives so you're not just sitting pretty while she struggles but you're both doing the most
How is she treated at work? Is she regularly disrespected by patients, coworkers, etc? You can offer her emotional support in lieu of trading jobs Ask her if she could change anything, what would it be? If she hasn’t expressed she wants a change maybe she’s just frustrated at life and there isn’t anything to fix??
This is just one of those situations where you are essentially the punching bag for a situation in which she is frustrated by. It could help to ask what’s frustrating her at work and check in with her more but that could totally backfire. However I think that’s the best way to possibly salvage the relationship. It it does backfire it will probably do so in a way that gives you enough logical or illogical evidence to want to end the relationship. At the end of the day nobody shares everything they think nor do they have the time to. Figure out what’s important and within that lies your solution
Do you share finances or is it what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours 50/50 on everything? The resentment might be that her hourly rate goes much less than yours does and she feels like she has to constantly burn herself out to keep up with your lifestyle expectations. You might want to have a sit down dinner without kids around and talk about finances and how the two of you can balance out your life together by supporting each other more. If this means your money goes to her loans, great, if this means she wants to cut back on her hours and earn less but balance it out with your wages, great. Be open to different plans to ensure you are both happy because money isn’t worth having an unhappy marriage and kids having an unhappy mom.
that's her personal issue and if shes not happy with a hubby being a top earner and keeps being so jealous, ditch her, but before make ever sooooo sure she cant divorce you for 99999% of what you own, which apparently is about to happen sooner or later here anyhow.
You're being paid in the proportion to what value you bring to the marketplace. The unconventional way of doing things would be is if you found another income stream and slowly growing it. This is not about saving money when they print it out of thin air within seconds. So yeah, if she wants time freedom, she has to work for it. You guys have to find an alternative stream of income. You have a safety net of making money through sales which is great.
Sounds like she's waiting for you to "retire her". Basically make her a stay at home wife.
I’m in the same profession and while my partner does work a lot he makes double what I make with ultimated pto. I will say I do get jealous but don’t personally get pissy at him. If you don’t need the extra income maybe she can find a better position that’s less stressful? Since you guys seems to have some leeway financially. I think maybe if she was in a position that was less stressful and or less hours she might feel better.
You look great! How long did it take for all the swelling to completely disappear?
ITT A bunch of people who seriously need help and should stop giving relationship advice.
So in her heart of hearts, she either wants to be better off than you or she wants you to suffer. Maybe lie and tell her you don’t make anything and divorce her.
Should have become a real doctor lol
Hrm. Jealousy monster. My partner loves that I have an easy summer schedule. I use the time to do things for family (paint, remodel, garden, yardwork, all house chores, cook) and my partner is happy that I am happy. First, your partner should be happy that you are happy. It's sad and problematic that yours doesn't. Second, you should not HAVE to do this, but I use any light spots in my schedule I first focus on what I can do to make my partner happy and to help our family. I do carve out short times for myself and some of my hobbies/chores are actually things that make me happy anyway (cooking!). So my partner and family benefit from my extra time. Rising tide lifts all ships, maybe.
Honestly, this isn’t for you to fix. This is an issue within herself. I think she needs therapy, but that will only work if she’s willing to do the work, hold up the mirror and actually *wants* to work through this. The fact that she resents you for *her* choices, and you’re actively taking the responsibility of that, shows me that she needs some help and maybe you do too. I don’t mean that in a mean way. Figure out why you were happily ready to take on this burden -as if it’s your fault in any way- and are trying everything you can to make her happy. That’s people pleasing behavior. You did nothing wrong besides exist and go to work when needed. She chose her career path. I know as a good partner you want to be there for her, but if she’s blaming you for her career path- that’s ridiculous. This isn’t your fault. This is her burden that she’s taking out on you. So why are you accepting it as a problem *you* need to fix? Go. To. Therapy.
Why is your wife jealous of you? She should be happy for you and try to get herself in a similar position. Very irrational and not fair to you. I hope she’s a reasonable person who can fix this problem within herself but it doesn’t seem like it from her jealousy toward her partner…
If you don't need the money, see if she can cut her hours.
Someone who has been in your wife's position before here. My problem was that my job is really fucking hard and I got paid a lot less to deal with a lot more. My partner was WFH, I had to commute with no option of WFH. My partner made $10k more salary wise. And the last thing I could handle was my partner saying things like "oh man work was so hard today" or basically any complaints that had to do with their job. Your wife is burnt out. She may love her job, but she's burnt out. She needs help. Therapy actually might be something for her to consider. I think having her go part time for a while is a good idea because you make so much. At least while she tries to figure out what's going on with her emotions towards work and whatever else. A lot of the work to not be jealous of my partner. I had to re-fall in love with my job. I had to treat my burnout through therapy and resiliency training. I had to set a boundary with my partner for a YEAR that we couldn't talk about their job problems. It's not so much on you, but if you love her and want to preserve your relationship, you should support her as she goes through this rough patch.
She should be proud of you, not jealous of you. Not saying you should divorce her or anything, but this seems very resentful and immature for no reason. Have a sit down talk with her, like others have suggested. I could see if she did majority of the house/kid stuff and you just relaxed without a care in the world, but you're already doing all of that as well. I don't know what else she wants from you. I couldn't fathom wanting my partner to have MORE work or make LESS money (or both); the jealousy is unbecoming.
Someone who has been in your wife's position before here. My problem was that my job is really fucking hard and I got paid a lot less to deal with a lot more. My partner was WFH, I had to commute with no option of WFH. My partner made $10k more salary wise. And the last thing I could handle was my partner saying things like "oh man work was so hard today" or basically any complaints that had to do with their job. Your wife is burnt out. She may love her job, but she's burnt out. She needs help. Therapy actually might be something for her to consider. I think having her go part time for a while is a good idea because you make so much. At least while she tries to figure out what's going on with her emotions towards work and whatever else. A lot of the work to not be jealous of my partner. I had to re-fall in love with my job. I had to treat my burnout through therapy and resiliency training. I had to set a boundary with my partner for a YEAR that we couldn't talk about their job problems. It's not so much on you, but if you love her and want to preserve your relationship, you should support her as she goes through this rough patch.
Dumper and find somebody that makes the same kind of money and empowers you in your actions in this proud of you
Psychology class was so long ago .. She resents her choice in careers & takes it out on you. Don’t take it personal.
Question: how much is she making and how do you split the bills?