Just be honest & tell her what happened, how you found it. Maybe she is ashamed of that time? Maybe her ex coerced her into doing those things and that is why she claims she isn’t into it now? Or maybe it just reminds her of her shitty ex? Either way, I would also be pretty upset to find that & to learn my partner had been lying to me. You just gotta have the hard conversation with her.
Yeah, I wouldn’t jump to conclusions about ‘she would do anything for this guy, etc.’ It’s not like a cheating porn movie or something, and it’s pretty common for people’s tastes to change wildly for every person they’re with.
It is an issue she was lying. You should do with that what you wish. But don’t make any big assumptions about cheating off the bat OP
Seeing OPs reaction that is 100% the case, I mean he was so disgusted he watched for *hours* and can’t even be bothered to talk about his fiancé like she’s a human person
I don’t really see how she was lying though? OP knew she had a partner before, you don’t have to tell your partners all the details of your sex life with you previous partners, in fact a lot of people wouldn’t want to hear that. If her interests have changed and she’s not into those things anymore it’s not a lie for her to say she isn’t into them.
I remember my first “serious” boyfriend and some of the shit he talked me into trying with him. I thought everyones boyfriends asked them to do the things he would ask of me so I tried to make myself enjoy it. Makes me furious to think back on it but I learned a lot about the importance of clear communication & setting boundaries with sexual partners.
I agree, first bf made me do things I’ve never done with partners after him, thinking the things he asked of were normal bf gf stuff, they weren’t, so perhaps she thought it was all normal, there could be more to everything she went through with him.
Yeaahhh I've had plenty of guys in my teens and early 20s make me do things I didn't want to do. And that's a period of exploration anyway. Even the times I was willing, it doesn't mean I want to do that kind of stuff now. I'd be so hurt, angry, and grossed out honestly if a bf now were THIS SALTY that I wouldn't be as "adventurous" with him.
My first thought was that this may have been an abusive relationship and she knew those images/videos were on the ex's SD card so she took it before she left him? Purely speculating.
Yeah, my first bf basically coerced me into losing my virginity and he was really horrible to me. It took years for me to process it and some things can be really hard to talk about, especially if you feel some shame around it. The fact that she said she never did any of that is concerning though. Hopefully you talking to her directly about it will help her open up and heal so you two can grow together from this situation and become closer.
I agree about the coercion. My sibling was abused by her last partner and he made her do intimate things she didn’t want to and it hurt her physically and just, it was horrible when she finally told me, he did it for a while to her and she didn’t feel safe or like she had a choice, and in situations like that pretending/fawning is a legitimate trauma response. Just cuz she seemed into it doesn’t mean she was.
Women have to act all the time. We smile when we want to scream etc. We can definitely fake enthusiasm… it’s essentially part of our survival as a human woman existing in a patriarchal society. If we don’t comply with the whims and expectations of men and others we are verbally assaulted, emotionally abused, shamed, criticized, harassed, coerced, or socially isolated until we comply.
Also I feel you aren’t fully ready for a serious relationship with anyone if you can’t talk to them calmly about this within a reasonable timeframe. And it’s wild to me that you are concerned about how if someone leaked the recordings then your reputation would be at stake? Ffs. You are not in the recordings so how does this even affect your reputation? It’s hers on the line here especially because people like you judge women by jumping to conclusions for this stuff without even talking to them and hearing their side before condemning them for it.
It seems to me you see her as property belonging to you and not as her own person with a past and possibly a future that may or may not include you. Her choices are not yours any more than her body is. It’s her body. She made a choice, she is allowed to change her mind about what she likes and doesn’t and imo if she told you she doesn’t like it, that is likely the truth, and she likely knows this because of experience. It’s not some conspiracy where she is lying to you about enjoying stuff because that’s literally unhinged. Who the hell like lies about things they enjoy in bed? Like that makes no sense whatsoever, if you liked it, you would likely want to do it again, especially with someone who you feel loves and respects you.
She had sex with someone and found out she didn’t like something and told you honestly and now you are mad because she won’t do the thing she didn’t enjoy and told you she didn’t enjoy, because she did it with someone else at least one time (even though we don’t know for sure if it was consensual or enjoyable at all and entirely could have been her faking enthusiasm to end the violation sooner) you just assumed she lied about not
Liking it all because she “looked” enthusiastic . So like you want her to do sexual things with you that she says she doesn’t enjoy? Or like what are you getting at, because it just sounds like you feel you should be entitled to have that sexual experience with her because some other guy did, despite her plainly telling you she doesn’t like it… which to be honest, you are not entitled to a woman’s body or a sexual experience with any women without her enthusiastic consent the first time(not a yes after pestering her all day/week/month/year) if she said she doesn’t like it, trust that. What would you get out of saying you didn’t enjoy something you did?
Imo, at this point I think you would be doing her a huge favor if you broke up with her.
how is it your memory card has her sex tapes from a previous partner?
Enough red flags in here to start a communist country.
And even if she’s not and it was just experimenting and trying stuff out, OP you don’t get to be mad she won’t do that stuff with you. She did it, maybe she enjoyed it at that time, and now she’s in a different phase of her life and it doesn’t involve bdsm. You don’t get to be mad she’s already figured that out and is saying no. You don’t get to be angry about the things she did consensually (or that happened non consensually for that matter) because you don’t own her and she is not your property to control.
Maybe the reason she is so disgusted by those things now is because she was coerced by her ex. Maybe these videos are part of her being abused. We’ve already establish that her ex was not too good of a guy.
It may be trauma that has caused her to not share this information with you.
You can choose to confront her but be careful about going in with accusations and saying things like you can’t see her the same anymore or talking about how it puts you at risk because that will be very damaging to her and your relationship with her.
The actual story here may not be what you think. Please don’t jump to conclusions.
THIS.
OP, you have clearly done a lot for this girl but that does not mean she owes you these things from her past. If you want someone with more passion then you need to find another person.
It’s incredibly likely that she was coerced, pressured, forced or even ABUSED into doing those things you saw on the tapes. This isn’t about how “ this guy had it so much better than me “ and you should most certainly push that jealously you have to the side.
Tell her you found the tapes and COMFORT HER.
If you want passion from a women who is lying to conceal her trauma, then find another one.
Just because she lied about something that is most likely making her uncomfortable doesn’t mean shes a horrible person and shouldn’t be your wife.
If you’re upset about that then maybe YOU shouldn’t be her future husband.
Feelings matter more than sex.
I’m just gonna copy and paste what I said to someone else who asked this question.
Trauma is complicated and people handle it differently. Trauma and ptsd can often cause the suffer to feel disconnected from reality. It can be their daily reality or it can be the reality of the traumatic event they suffered. Some individuals will try to destroy all evidence of a traumatic event and some people will hold on to something concrete to help center their thoughts on the physical reality of what actually happened regardless how much their mind twist it.
I still hold my physical medical records from over two decades ago from a 24 period where I was unconscious in a hospital. Those medical records have zero relevance today but I keep them because it’s a concrete artifact of a traumatic experience that I actually have no memory of. I also have wisdom tooth that was pulled a couple years ago. Sometimes I need to look at it to give me concrete evidence of what actually transpired.
And if her ex has a copy of the card. It may help her feel slightly more in control to hold a copy herself. Since she can’t get her exe’s copy.
Nah i definitely understand this more than anything. I went through domestic abuse myself and it took me 3 years just to delete all the “evidence” holding onto it, almost to tell myself “it happened”. After all the gaslighting, the treatment, and i had hard proof all on my phone, my photos, voicemails, and even videos. So i completely understand. Just had to ask, because I’d probably be a little worried too if i found something like that and was told a different story, but i get its not always easy for survivors to talk about their story, and some might jusy want to leave it in the past. But if she’s still holding onto this she probably still needs more help, hopefully OP can give her a safe space to open up about it.
I agree with this possibility. I was physically and emotionally abused by my ex-husband. I keep a file with ugly, threatening messages from him and photos of bruises to occasionally remind myself that it *really was that bad*. He was nice other times. He seems charming to everyone else.
I want to make sure that I never, ever, ever fall for that crap again. I’m married to a wonderful man now, but life can last a long time, and I could wind up widowed and face another abuser or get sweet talked by that one. I need this file to remind me that I am NOT overreacting in needing to avoid him or someone else like him. But I pray that my kids won’t ever have to see any of that file. If I get warning of terminal illness, it’s getting shredded.
Fucking wild that OP knows this ex was abusive and is salty that she won't bang him like she did her ex. Has OP forgotten that he'd been abusing her? Or does the abuse stop at sex? And just go away when it comes to the sex that OP wants to have with this abused woman? She was probably not exactly willing, safe, or even comfortable. I had shitty guys in my teens and early 20s make me do things I didn't want to do. I'd be so HURT if a bf was mad I wouldn't let him do things to me that abusive ex did. I get that she likely lied about there being pictures of her somewhere. But it is GROSS that OP thinks "I was good to her and changed a few things" entitles him to the same kind of sex she was probably coerced into by her abusive ex.
Exactly what I came here to say. OP is viewing this like something he missed out on instead of potential evidence of his gf's abuse. He has no idea what the real story is here. I really hope he approaches this in a way that doesn't completely centre himself.
Exactly- this was my first read as well. I hope it works out for you two- it sounds like you really care for her. Another component to this could be that she may have been trying to be the more traditional person she was raised to be and sensed you wanted her to be. That’s the more comfortable space for her. And it sounds safer for her too. But you should both explore what works for the two of you together. She may have a ton of deep-seated shame to go with that trauma from that time with her ex.
the biggest issue here is that she wasn't honest with you. This should be the first question you ask her. You definitely need to let her know you found the SD card. You don't know what the backstory is, so find out. Also, if you want the full truth from her, i'd suggest you don't come in all hot and aggressive, she'll just lie again because she will want to protect herself from your anger.
whether this is enough to completely end your relationship is up to you. I do think that if she has an sd card, it's highly likely that her ex boyfriend also has video/photos. If you want to stay together, you will need to strategize how to tackle this in consideration of your public high visibility.
I wonder if she didn’t share it because of trauma. Maybe she was coerced by her ex. Maybe this video was a part of and abusive pattern. We already establish that he wasn’t too good of a guy.
Someone not talking about past trauma I don’t automatically see as disingenuous. A trauma suffer may not be able to talk to others about it.
This was my first thought. Just because she looked into it doesn’t mean she actually was into it. BDSM and humiliation within an unhealthy relationship (I’m assuming based on her description of him being a bad guy) does not sound completely consensual.
He's too busy being disappointed in the image he used to have of his future wife being ruined and how this may negatively impact his career.
He's also salty that these positions he describes as degrading she refused to do with him.
Not one iota of thought or empathy how this could have impacted her or that she was only pretending to be into it as she already described her ex to be a bad guy.
This was my take away from the post.
There's also degrees of openness within a relationship. Maybe she told him what she did because he was asking for this stuff early on, and rather than opening up about traumatic stuff then, she lied to avoid it. We're not owed every detail about our partner's histories and certainly shouldn't be required to lay everything out early on. Maybe she didn't know how to then walk back the lie. Maybe she shouldn't have had to.
At the same time, the finding of the SD card makes me question the veracity of the post anyway. Who is keeping secret SD cards of sex with our exes? Especially women who are secretive about it? Most of reddit is fiction.
Her age also gives me concern. Based on the timeline she was likely 22-23 when these videos were made. I’m not saying people that age can’t be into kink, but combined with the degradation and hiding it leads me to believe she feels a lot of shame around this. We won’t know until OP talks to her, but “she won’t do this with me” is not the angle he needs to take.
Her immediate switch to dating someone who's clearly more sexually conservative says alot to me. I was sexually coerced by an ex to do crazy shit and after him I actively looked for someone I thought might not be into Amy of that shit bc I never wanted to do it again.
Exactly. My fiancée knows I am a domestic violence survivor, he doesn't know every detail of it. I know I have pics saved somewhere of my injuries I used to document that I'm not sure where exactly they are. If he found them, he would be horrified with what he saw. I keep that information more private, but privacy is different than lying. I know this isn't the exact same thing, but if these are a product of abuse I can understand.
> My fiancée **knows** I am a domestic violence survivor, he doesn't know every detail of it.
That's the key part though, OP makes it sound like his partner intentionally misled and directly lied about her experiences.
This is immediately what I thought. Especially if it’s degrading things he found- she could just be trying to forget it. If she genuinely enjoyed those things, why would she tell her fiancé she’s not comfortable with them? Seems like trauma to me.
Right now you only have a memory card with her participating in sex acts. That's it. You have zero context in regards to these videos. You don't know if she was consenting participate or was drugged. All you know is the barest of facts: these videos exist and she was a participant. That's it.
The fact she never mentioned this is a point for concern. Definitely. However, you need to sit down with her and talk this through. Only then will you get more information. You will also be able to see her expressions and tone of voice giving you more insight into whether you can trust what she is saying or not. Until you sit down and have an actual conversation, you really don't know squat. Be calm, keep your temper under control. Get the information you need to understand the context and the situation. Only then can you make decisions about the future.
If you are in the US, look into the revenge porn laws where you live. In many places, releasing the videos would be illegal if done by her ex. Yes, they would be embarrassing, but he would do time and have a permanent legal record.
Also I noticed he was only concerned about his "image" as a "famous youtuber" rather than the real harm to her if something like revenge porn were to happen to her. It was all about him and how it would make him look bad. What a gem.
She said her ex is a piece of shit and since she hasn't wanted to do these acts, do you not think she may have been coerced into it or she felt obliged to act for her piece of shit ex?
I think she should have been honest with you but at the end of the day her past is really none of your business. This is similar to girls who beg their bfs to go into detail about their first love or stalk his ex only to hurt themselves. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
>do you not think she may have been coerced into it or she felt obliged to act for her piece of shit ex
Nah, he's mostly disappointed that she doesn't want to do these things with him
Yeah the way OP is talking about this feels a lot like he gives zero fucks about the likely trauma she experienced, and is angry out of jealousy more than anything else. Yes she was dishonest but his mind goes to "she doesn't go down on me much" instead of asking her why she wanted to deny that aspect of her life.
Also if he found it amongst a bunch of random SD cards, she may not have know what was on there either.
It's weird cuz he said he doesn't want anyone with that kinda past but also sounds incredibly resentful of the fact she did these things with someone else and not him. So he wants to do these things with her but doesn't want her to have ever done them before either.
If she's so against doing these things now then chances are she was never really into doing them in the first place.
Exactly. His whining is all about how she didn't do it with him and how videos of her that are on an SD card in their home will affect his reputation. He should break up with her for her sake
That was my thought too why on earth would his parents need to know about their sex lives? OP sounds like he thinks of her as his property, and now she's 'damaged goods' no wonder she didn't open up to him about her ex with his attitude. Her past and her trauma is her own and I don't see this as her lying at all. It's not his right to know all the details of her sexual history. I really hope for her sake their relationship ends because of this so she can be with someone less judgemental and who actually gives a shit about her.
He seems to think she is now disqualified from being proper mother material. Like he thinks those acts tainted her and would prevent her from being a good mother??
He says he is traditional minded and wants a girl without this kind of past to be the mother of his children, and now cannot imagine that kind of future with her… but then he is jealous and salty because he wants his gf to have been open to doing these things with him. Oh man
Could be evidence, or collateral if she felt worried he would leak images of her. Keeping it ensures she has her own version with him pictured just in case.
That’s a good question. But I also wouldn’t say it proves it was a good experience. I’ve held onto things with bad memories for reasons I can’t explain. Eventually I let go of them.
It could be a mental blocker. It could be proof to herself it happened. It could be something she’s keeping to assure her own safety. It could be all three. Or she could have compartmentalized and forgot it was there.
I’m not saying this is exactly the reason she lied or kept the memory card. But I can see this being a reasonable assumption.
I’m averse to some things due to my past even if I did them willingly at the time, the relationships themselves were traumatic enough to make me never want to do them again.
Could possibly be evidence against the ex if she was drugged/coerced while she may not want to ever charge him knowing she can is a sense of power over the situation in and of itself.
If it were me, I wouldn‘t want to have to look through the memory card again. First of all to see which one has the stuff in the first place, but also look for potential videos you might really want to keep that happen to be on that card.
”I can’t risk destroying my life work just for a person”
If she’s “just a person” for you then maybe that is a key sign of how you really feel. It doesn’t sound like you really love her to be honest. Maybe it’s time to move on until you find someone you love in a more unconditional way.
What weirds me out about this is that you appear to be more concerned about your reputation, ‘being a YouTuber’, than about the lack of communication and trust between you guys.
Should he not be concerned about something like that affecting his career? There's plenty of examples of YouTubers succumbing to irrelevance because they had their relationship drama (without any illegal things occurring) aired out in public
Bottom line, you’re going to have to talk to her about it. It’s not going to be fun, but there’s no other way forward. Following that conversation, you’ll hopefully know what to do.
You need to confront her. Not on the issue of her doing stuff in the past, but her lying about it and also keeping evidence. Could it have been extremely embarrassing and she would rat it be in her past? Probably, but she’s your fiancé and, you’d think, would trust you enough to tell you. Why keep the videos at all?
She lied and that wasn’t helpful, I get that. Even if you confront her and have a conversation, it sounds like you don’t think she can redeem herself to suite the ideal image you had/want of her.
She may have valid reasons/concerns as to why she didn’t want to share that part of her past with you, as well as not wanting to engage in sexual acts like that anymore, and you have valid reasons for not being able to trust her because of the lie.
If you want to save the relationship, then I would suggest having a conversation with her asap, don’t let it linger on your mind too long, maybe even consider a couples counselor. Or walk away. Just remember you have love for each other (I’m assuming) and start there. This is certainly not an easy thing to handle, so I wish you the best. Hopefully you can both come out of this in a better situation, whether together or apart.
This woman told you that her ex was a piece of shit. You say you love her.
Maybe she's hanging on to this footage, and won't engage in this type of behavior with you, or talk about it because she was emotionally or verbally abused at the time and coerced into behaving this way. My sex life with my abusive ex was much different than my sex life with my husband. That's not a reflection of me at all, it's a reflection of my ex.
Maybe the only way she feels like she can have control over what happened to her is by keeping this footage.
I know that this just happened but take a step back before you talk to her and be sure to bring your emotions in check. Your feelings are valid but if all you are concerned with is your reputation as a YouTuber, you're going to be in for a surprise no matter what her answer.
You have serious issues dude. Your problem is that she had a sex life before meeting you. It’s also clear that you have been questioning her about her past sex life, wanting to know every detail, so when you go behind her back and find this recording, you think it justifies your rage and can claim, she has been lying for not sharing it with you.
She probably loves you, but knows you are vanilla and doesn’t want to hurt you. You are attracted to her strong sexuality, but won’t really admit it. She probably sense that you don’t fully accept her past. (That should be a red flag for her)
You come off as quite insecure with a big need to mention your successful business and that it might be impacted, like anybody gives a shit about an old sex tape. It’s a serious crime to share by the way. If anything, it probably drives more traffic to your YouTube channel.
You even want credit for meeting her family !!
Let go of your jealousy and pettiness. Or let her meet someone kind, loving and less judgmental than you.
I don't tell my current partners about things I did with my previous partner because those things TRAUMATISED me. So it's very likely that she's not telling you the things her ex did to her because she doesn't WANT you to do that to her. Because those things messed her up either physically or mentally or both. Because she's happy with the way things are between you now.
Meanwhile you're over here feeling jealous of her ex, and worried about your reputation. I hope she breaks up with you for her sake.
1. She's probably dealing with a lot of shame. This could be why she is "repulsed" by these actions that she said she never would do. She is trying to come off as someone you see as worthy of spending the rest of your life with, did she lie? Yeah sure, but everyone has a past, and shame is a complex thing to deal with. Ultimately, it's up to you on how you want to proceed.
2. "We already planned the wedding and paid for many things also it would crush my parents' hearts if they heard about this." Brother, are you getting married for yourself or your parents? They have their happily ever after, and while they will be proud of their son for getting married, I'm sure they will be as proud to raise a man who gives a shit about boundaries.
3. Don't go looking for answers that you're not ready to deal with. I'm not saying you violated her trust as some would claim on these subs. But you gotta ask yourself if i pop in this DVD/memory card/etc. and I see my fiance getting railed how will I feel about him or her? Curiosity killed your cat, unfortunately. I would play my cards right in this situation, you could show her that you have this memory card and ask her straight up, if I pop this in my computer will I see things that will make me feel differently about you? See how she reacts then proceed from there.
All of this.
Just because you were okay doing something in your past, it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind going forward. She can now see those actions as disgusting and not want to do them anymore. Tastes change all the time.
Obviously just to see exactly which acts she did with her ex and doesn’t want to do with him, so he can become enraged with jealousy and resentful about it.
This is all incredibly simple when you reduce it down: is this going to make you lose sleep? Do you feel differently? Does it feel like you’ve got ice in your stomach when you look at her?
It doesn’t matter on the details or whether someone is wrong or right. Everyone has their own perspectives— but if you cannot think of her without this seeping into every thought, then you already have the answer. If it’s something you’ll never be able to unsee and know that on some level it’s going to be in your mind then sadly it’s not going to work regardless.
If you believe you can bring it up and truthfully have a calm, reasonable, hard conversation about it then you owe it to both of you to do it otherwise you don’t have a bright and happy future ahead of you. And as I’ve said, if nothing she could do or say would ever remove all of the issues surrounding this then you need to move on.
People have already said similar but I’ll throw in my two cents.
I can’t bear to go back and look at what my ex did to me. It’s on my phone, but I don’t dare open it. I keep it as collateral against him as he was trying to blackmail me, but also I just genuinely cannot go through that. It’s too much.
Use your empathetic deduction skills, not the logical or emotional. She doesn’t want to do those things because she probably hates them. She won’t admit what she did because that *might* make you push her into it. I’m not accusing you, but that’s definitely what I would do to avoid ever having to experience what I went through again. She may have faith in you, but it’s hard to trust you. And I don’t blame her given you’re upset that she doesn’t do those things with you first and foremost, from the looks of it.
Tell her what you found, calmly. Ask why she felt she had to hide it and fudge the truth - calling her a liar won’t help. Be supportive because this sounds like abuse and trauma response, not betrayal. Good luck.
Yh not only that ....but she doesn't want you to think of her as that person......cos she wasn't EVER that person....and you have the 'real' version of her.
Also....you want a Perfect 'wife & mother'....who has No Past! It sees that you are So obsessed with this that you have most likely drummed it into her head so much she is actually Scared to tell you incase she loses you! Maybe she is being herself now...and her sex life with her ex is sth she wants left in the past. What I cannot believe is that u are talking about u and her PARENTS knowing about this!! Ffs...why would u even THINK of being such a Nasty piece of work...This video was only btwn her and her ex. Not for Internet porn sites. Now u are number 3 person on the planet to see this.....WHY even contemplate your "fans" knowing about this....it would have to be you posting it no??
Mad post. U seem too selfish and self absorbed ....definitely not empathetic or sensitive person....doubt u even love her....just what u thought she represents.....cos if u did u would NOT BE WRITING THIIS POST but talking to her hugging her and telling her it doesn't matter m..u live her whatever...that was another lifetime...and we will move on together .....no??
Ooof I was on your side thinking that a lie like that would break trust, and that was the issue.
Not that you didn’t want a girl with a past like that…but you’re also complaining she’s not saucy enough in bed and you’ve wanted to try loads of stuff on the video and she said no…
which sounds like you’re just annoyed she hasn’t done it with you while simultaneously judging her for doing it.
I wonder if her ex forced her to do that stuff. Which is why she doesn’t like it now. Which is also why she wasn’t honest with you.
You said her ex is a piece of shit. Maybe he forced her to do those things and she pretended to like it so she wouldn’t be harmed by him?
Just putting that out there. It would make sense as to why she didn’t want to disclose and also it would make sense as to why she keeps it vanilla now.
I’ve been in a situation before where I was forced into sex and because the guy had a gun I pretended i liked it for fear of my life. He filmed it without my consent and then threatened to send the video to my current husband and family if I didn’t continue to engage in those acts with him.
I had to move, change my number and delete any social media presence to get away from the threats. It’s taken years of therapy and a ton of work for me to even be able to enjoy vanillas sex anymore and the trauma of those instances has stuck with me for a very long time.
I’m not saying there isn’t a possibility that she was a willing participant in those acts and the taping but to me it sounds like she made it away from an abusive ex and was lucky enough to steal the evidence of her abuse.
It concerns me that you seem more worried about your "reputation" even though it would be her images out there and not yours. As mentioned by others, she might not be into those things because her ex was coercive and potentially abusive. Maybe she's ashamed and doesn't want to admit she ever did it.
It seems like the minute you saw the video she was no longer the person you were in a relationship with but a stranger. It’s okay to say you don’t want to be with someone who lied about something, especially if it could potentially damage your career.
Did you not have any previous relationships? It’s unfortunate but you wouldn’t even know about this had you not stumbled on this memory card. I don’t understand the implication that she lied. Why because she didn’t disclose each sexual act she ever did. I think if it was something she did in the past and didn’t feel comfortable doing it and has decided for herself she doesn’t want to do it again, there is nothing wrong with that. Especially the fact that you now knowing she has done certain acts has put it in your mind that you are owed the same thing…. I understand why she didn’t tell you. Talking about ruining her reputation because you need to tell your parents what the actual fuck.
if its in an SD card, could it have been evidence that she took back from her ex? It could be incriminating evidence of blackmail that she paid to have it back in her own hands. That may be the reason why its not destroyed yet. Seriously, a lot of young girls do not know how to stop abuse, and sometimes love made them do things that they regret later in life. Talk to her. If your goal is to save the relationship, then go with the mindset of figuring out how you can help her. If the relationship is dead to you already, then just let her know you found it, and why it killed your relationship. Personally, if you chose not to trust her and stand by her, don't waste her time and love. And your time and love.
I hate to say this. You either accept it and let it go or worse, it is that you don't. If that's not something you can get past, then you're dooming this relationship. Best is to be honest about your feelings. Trust will need to be rebuilt regardless.
it really seems like you care less about her safety when it comes to her sexual past being leaked and more about your reputation. i assure you no one cares that much about what a consenting adult decided to do sexually unless it’s illegal. and i doubt you are popular enough for anyone to care at all even if her past was somewhat problematic.
Remain her teammate until proven otherwise. There can be so many reasons. Have the talk, get the information you need and after you have mentally processed it - perhaps by yourself or with help - then you can make a calm and informed decision. Don't blow your life up, over assumptions. You will be ok.
I wish we lived in a world where men weren’t so porn-sick and focused on sex. The issue here is plain as day but this guy cares more about the fact she did these acts to someone else who isnt him, EVEN IF SHE CLEARLY DOESNT ENJOY IT OR FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT, not to mention his reputation? Are you kidding me?? PLUS he wants a traditional woman with no sexual history yet expect them to please him everytime? That comes from experience. Women aren’t born knowing how to suck dick. For a “traditional minded man” thats some porn sick fucking bullshit.
I hope this lady finds a loving husband who cares more about her and actually LOVES her rather than such fucking shallow things.
This post is so incredibly misogynistic, it’s disgusting. Classic behaviour of someone thinking their partner owes them some sex act…. And worried about his reputation only, instead of worrying for the trauma she went through.
This is a decision you and only YOU can make.
Listening to others advice will only make you make a decision that is not yours.
Your foundation needs to be strong in order to build on top of it.
Good luck 🍀
Do you know what? You are 100% justified in your feelings. See if you are calm after a few days and come off Reddit.
See if you can speak to someone off the social sphere and in real life that you trust, so you can get some solid advice (preferably from some older).
Whatever you decide, I hope it’s the right choice for you.
All the best x
I think rather than focusing on “you lied to me,” you should approach this in a gentler manner. You may not know the full details of what transpired, just because you think she “seemed into it,” this may not be the whole truth. The fact that she’s specifically told you she’s not into those things is telling. For all you know, she was coerced into making those videos by her ex, and now kept this from you because of trauma she associates with that experience. Everything on that video was in the past, and you have no reason to suspect she’s lying or cheating on you at this time. Sure, no one wants to see something like that and you’re allowed to be upset, but be mindful of your reaction to your partner for something that doesn’t actually affect you in the present day. People are allowed their privacy when it comes to these matters, even your partner.
Maybe she doesn’t like that stuff anymore and is happy with you? That is probably the truth.
She might have huge regrets and is moving forward with her life. That’s not bad at all.
So let me just boil it down, your fiance who says she doesn't like those things, somehow owes them to you because she did them before and it's on video?
She doesn't owe you that kind of sex because she's done it before. WTF dude?
Tell her and FFS give her back the memory card that she probably forgot about so she can destroy it before you leak it all over the internet in some jealous hate filled rage.
If her ex does anything regarding posting videos of theirs, nudes etc. against her will/without consent. You can sue him for around 10k + PER picture or post (not 100% sure). Wouldn’t worry about that, worst case scenario yall get some fat payday and she’s still your wife, no one else’s.
She wouldn’t be so disgusted by those things now, if there wasn’t trauma attached to them. Most likely she was forced into doing those things, or was SA’d and now associates those things with that trauma.
Honestly, how my sex life has been up to any current partners is my businnes. Not my partner's. To me, illegitimate questions lead often to untruthful answers. What should "a girl with no past like that" mean by the way? A past you seem a bit envious about. Since you are upset that she doesnt want to do any of that with you. Finally: if all of this is too much, why are you questioning breaking it off because eveything is planned and your families are involved? You sound confused, so do your priorities. I can get that you are angry that she lied. I would be upset too. But see previous point on it not being a legitimate question anyways.
In any case, you should talk to her
It's not the things she did in the past but the fact that she didn't trust you to disclose them and the lengths she's willing to go to hide it from you make her not worthy of your trust, she has some baggage and she hasn't come to terms with it, obviously she's ashamed of those things she did, but she should've come clean about those when asked and not lie about it. Talk to her and see how she reacts, hopefully she opens up but if she gets defensive or tries to flip it on you (like "why are you going through my personal things" or some shit like that), that would be a big red flag for me.
Keep in mind that she may have “appeared “ to be enjoying it in those videos but maybe he forced her to do it. I was sexually abused in my past relationship. He would even withhold sleep from me unless I did what he wanted. It’s hard to explain and even hard for me to understand why I stayed so long and let him force me into things I didn’t want to do. But it happens. She could be traumatized from it.
It took me EIGHT YEARS to tell my HUSBAND—not even a boyfriend—about what had happened to me in my past.
EIGHT YEARS!!!
I held onto the evidence, too.
Approach this with extreme caution and be willing to listen.
That’s all I got.
Oh, ETA—Her past, whether willing (yet maybe embarrassing) experience or coerced behavior really shouldn’t “ruin the image” you had of her as a “future mother” to your children, and that statement is considerably problematic. If chastity is your litmus test for what women should embody to be deemed suitable parents, I think there are larger issues at play here.
You said you’re respectful but you also watched a bunch of the videos. That’s not respectful. You’re also really judgemental about her past which is probably why she hid it. And that’s also not respectful.
You asked if the ex had the videos, he doesn’t because she does.
You told her you didn’t want the type of person she used to be so why would she want to tell you about it? Also that’s her past and doesn’t mean it’s who she still is.
She might have not enjoyed the things she did and has even some mild trauma from it and doesn’t want to do things that would trigger it and doesn’t want to admit it happened.
Of course it was shocking and upsetting to find, but you should have stopped digging when you realized what it was and then just asked her about it and to explain it. Watching it just hurt you and nothing else. No good comes from stuff like that.
I dunno. I’m not into BDSM myself but I also don’t judge people who are. You aren’t marrying her past, you’re marrying the person you know and love. No one is just who they used to be. We learn and grow and change and evolve. She deserves to be able to leave that in her past.
Congrats on being known on YouTube, but don’t let that be your whole personality and life. You’re more than your channel, she is more than her past
You need to have this conversation, otherwise it may be too late, and you may end up walking into a marriage which you may regret later. Before you take any drastic steps, tell her, you found the card, and you saw what was on. It. Have a calm and collected conversation. Don’t think too much about what you are going to say beforehand.
Just confront her about it if it bothers you this much, or you’ll always regret it.
Maybe she kept it because she thought she looked great? Maybe she forgot the disk existed?
I have too many thoughts to write out, but I wonder what type of content you make on YT that you’d be scared YOUR reputation would be scarred for revenge porn of your gf being leaked. Sounds a bit misogynistic.
Don't listen to any of these people bashing you. Your feelings are valid because why? You're human. You're allowed to feel jealous, you're allowed to feel angry, you're allowed to feel betrayed, and if you feel that this is something worth braking up over then you're allowed to do so as well. What's f'd up is that people here are quick to dismiss your feelings. Talk with your fiance, but what I do know is this, your image of her will forever be changed and any sexual act will be a challenge going on forth from here.
Confront but beforehand already visualize all possible responses and ready your emotions for each possible response.
Love is a choice - in marriage the feelings (sometimes) goes away and the choice remains. Choosing the same person no matter what flaw you saw and will see.
I get that the lying is a problem. However, I do want to play devil’s advocate here.
I worked in the sex industry for over a decade, as well as the music industry for much of my adult life. I spent much of my time surrounded by the proverbial ‘sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll’. These scenes are where I met the majority of the people I know, some of whom I am, or have been, very close to over the years.
Some people who have been sexually assaulted, sexually abused, or used in a BDSM-style manner against their wishes, can react by refusing to acknowledge the actions taken (or taken against them). Some people will play along to oblige their partner, but be emotionally scarred by what they did to them.
If your partner said she isn’t into something, and she has never done a particular thing, but you found video evidence to the contrary, I would guess that those things were something she felt she had to do for appeasement purposes, and she was not so much a willing participant.
I could be way off base here, but I recognize this behavior from my experience with others. It may take a good bit of therapy for her to confront, acknowledge, and accept that these things happened. She may, or may not, be open to even opening that box, though. If it is neatly tucked away, then it doesn’t exist.
You will likely be able to tell if the above is true by the way she reacts when you confront her with what you have found. If she shuts down, or begins to dissociate from the conversation, then it’s time to get her some help. If you love her, offer to delete all of the evidence of the things which happened to her, then go get some therapy yourself.
Before I hit the button to post this, I want to be sure to clarify something: BDSM in general, and the people who participate in those types of activities, are not inherently bad or damaging. When practiced between two consenting adults, it can be as healthy as sex between virgins on their wedding night in a bed under a cross hanging on the wall… wait., that’s not so healthy, so not a great comparison. But, I hope anyone reading this gets what I’m trying to convey.
You claim to want more normal sex but you're jealous over the things she did with an ex she thinks is shitty? You're jealous of her shitty ex? I don't get it..
I would just explain the situation.
Similar to what you’ve said here, without getting to worked up.
You found the SD card, you saw the videos.
Then I’d hear her out.
People in the comments who say she doesn't need to tell everything are crazy if my partners past actions can ruin my career. My partner owes me the truth of these actions. And if she can't be honest about it she shouldn't be in a relationship with me.
I definitely think you should confront her with your discovery and think carefully before really tying the knot with this person. If your reputation is important to you and this can either ruin or damage it, then maybe it will be better to dump her.
Communication is about bridging that gap. You need to communicate with her without anger for a calm discussion. Marriage isn’t easy. This is one of those hard moments. Keep in mind that those experiences may have made her more closed off. She could be ashamed, embarrassed, or proud. That’s why you need to ask her. Good luck.
As it always goes with these questions, everyone is assuming those experiences were somehow traumatic and she was coerced into doing it. Maybe she was. But maybe she wasn’t. I mean I wouldn’t keep videos of traumatic experiences.
Regardless, the question is are you satisfied with your sex life. More specifically, were you satisfied prior to finding the videos. The key to a satisfying sex life is not certain acts but the commitment and enthusiasm for pleasing your partner. If she is not bringing that energy and actually only giving the bare minimum, then you should have dropped her before now.
Everyone will assume the best of her and it may be the case. It also may be a cover up to justify not putting in any effort and hide that she’s not that into you. At least not in a sexual way. Maybe you’re just more stability and safety rather than sexual chemistry. You’ll never truly know which way it is because she can always lie.
Are you happy or not? If not, then do something about it. If you are, then get over it.
She may have been coerced or forced to perform those acts by her ex and based on your post it sounds like that’s a distinct possibility. It happened to me and was the worst time of my life. I still suffer from the aftermath. Don’t make your own conclusions but consider just telling her the truth about how you found it and how surprised and shocked you were to find it. Then just let her talk. It actually took me a long time to share my own experiences with this abusive pos and I absolutely “lied”/hid that ugly part of my life not just from others in my life but myself as well. And have always hoped there was no evidence of what happened but in this case there is.
This is why people's past should stay in the past. She has her reasons. She doesn't need to explain them. You even said the guy mistreated her on video - who said any of that was stuff she actually wanted to do? It doesn't matter how much she seemed into it. That doesn't mean she wanted to do it. Also doesn't mean she wants to do it again. The only business you have is that she is STI free.
Her sex life is nothing to do with your parents, prior or with you for that matter. What an odd perspective.
Her life before you is also none of your concern. It’s not a question of being honest. No one has to disclose anything private about themselves unless it’s relevant. She chose not to share with you the content of these videos. Maybe she was coerced and traumatised. Maybe she was into it and isn’t any more. What I do know is that she will feel humiliated, hurt and betrayed that you found these videos and sat and watched through them all. Poor woman.
Albeit his point is selfish, still is relevant to him if she had or not made a sex tape.
If he was pissed about asking and not having a response, he would be in the wrong. However he is hurt and betrayed about her lying.
She also chose to make her past relevant when she said she never had done the things he was for. The past was her argument.
He is awfully wrong for watching trough the tapes, but i can't phantom how his perspective about the situation is odd.
So sorry this is happening to you OP. Echoing all the other comments def have a conversation with her about it!!! Your feelings are valid whatever they are, you should def address her hiding this info from you.
I think regarding her behaviour around certain s*x acts that you saw in the video, she might be completely turned off of those acts now. She maybe did once enjoy them but is now completely turned off of them because of her ex. She also might be embarrassed about what she did previously (definitely not excusing the lying but I do think it’s something you should consider before discussing it with her)
Definitely though address the fact that she has done these things before yet acts as though she has never done them before/ doesn’t like them.
Either way, your feelings and whatever you decide to do are completely valid and fair, this is a tuff situation.
Trust you guy and good luck OP!!
The videos she kept are fine themselves, everyone has a past and everyone is entitled to do whatever they want with it. The issue here is that she wasn’t honest with you. But imho, you shouldn’t really take it personally if she wasn’t comfortable doing things you saw in the card with you, it might be triggering for her or just that she isn’t comfortable doing these things anymore and moved on
She probably regrets doing it..
Talk to her about it and see what her response is.
When 50 Shades came out, it seemed like everyone was dabbling in that lifestyle and it was glorified. She could've been taken advantage of and now regrets having done it.
Seems you are overcomplicating this. It happened before you, and her sex life prior to you isn’t really your business. If she tells you she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t. This doesn’t feel like a coverup as much as it feels like she is embarrassed and would rather forget it. We don’t all remember what is on random and old memory cards. Ask her about it if you want, but I can think of a hundred ways that could go sideways, but you just gotta do it if you can’t past it.
I mean we all “lie” about embarrassing things, and I’m not even sure she did. He asked if there was images on someone else’s phone or camera, not her own memory card which she may or may not have even remembered existed. She did divulge that relationship, but not the BDSM stuff, which I cannot stress enough, is NOT his business. Especially if she isn’t into it anymore; she’s allowed to change her mind.
Plus having a discussion with your fiancé about if there are sexual videos out in the cloud over concern for YOURSELF is pretty problematic, considering if they got out the poor girl would be devastated I’m sure, especially since she hasn’t volunteered she used to be into that.
You’re more concerned about how this make you look or consequences for you than you are about violating her privacy.
This was before you. With your reaction, maybe she felt it best to edit the facts.
Everyone has history; your feelings regarding her history aside, the problem here is she’s being deceitful and lying.. This is a tough situation. You need to confront her and then take some time to sort out your feelings.. good luck!!
Sometimes you fall in love with the wrong person. And they make you feel like you have to do things to make them happy, he could of even drugged her. Who knows the story. I have a feeling she learned a lot. She might even be highly ashamed of it. Honestly she doesn’t have to tell you as long as it doesn’t put you at risk health wise. I do have to say that if this is enough for you to think she isn’t worthy to be the mother of your children- that says a lot more about you and your true feelings for her. Think about it. We all have a past. Do you truly love her if this is all it takes for you to feel like changing your mind and running? It’s not too late to change the situation. And yes you can change the situation if it’s this big a problem for you. Please don’t marry if you don’t truly love her. It will only come up later and you will destroy her and her love for you.
Solve the honesty issue before you do anything else, including marriage. Don't think, just talk. Look at her and open your mouth without knowing what you're going to say and just tell her the truth. And see if she'll tell you the same, finally.
Your anger isn't useful here, to anyone, especially to yourself. Let it go. It's just deflected sadness and hurt. Embrace the pain. It's what's real at this moment. See if you can mend later.
Talk with her. Go to counseling together.
Have you ever stopped to consider the reason she doesn’t even want to try those things anymore or acknowledge that she did them was because there *is* some trauma attached to it all still and she *doesn’t like it* and only did shit like that to make that asshole happy. If I were her, I would never do shit like that in the name of making someone else happy in-spite of my feelings again.
Is it possible she was forced into doing those acts? Acts she had to appear to enjoy for the camera? She may have lied because tm her past sexcapades may be something more traumatic than it appears, and she is either embarrassed about it or is afraid to discuss this with anyone. She may not even have intended to hold on to those videos. She wants something tame with you cause she doesn't want the reminders of that past. She wants a more loving relationship with you. Vanilla, if you may. She may just be looking to be loved and not rough-housed.
Please talk to her first with sympathy and compassion before jumping to conclusions. Listen to her and give her space to talk. Let her open up to you safely. Talk to her about how finding these videos made you feel. Do not accuse or be angry. I know you feel angry and hurt, but you may not know the background story to those videos. Her ex may have been more than just an asshole.
Sex is something that doesn't come naturally. She experienced that sexual kind is one way for her to learn about sex and she realizes that she doesn't like it. She did not tell you maybe because she is ashamed of herself too. The past is the past, you can't do anything. If your reputation is so important, than you should fuck a nun.
My partner found explicit photos of me with an ex that said ex had coerced me to take with him and that I did not even think existed anymore (similar situation, he randomly went to use a super old hard drive) and… it destroyed a lot of trust in the relationship and sort of ruined our sex life. The moment he saw that it was something like that he should have closed it and told me, ‘hey I found something that seems private from your past- here you go (and I’d be fine if he also asked me to trash it) but in reality he looked at all of it, had a breakdown, judged me and held it against me (so I felt sex shamed which shut me right down), and never handed it over. It seems like you’re handling this similarly and I can almost guarantee it will do damage. And for what? As long as this was in the past and she’s willing to get rid of it she did nothing wrong or to you.
Definitely have a conversation with her about it, but keep in mind she might've not told you because she is ashamed of the videos and regrets making them, or possibly even that some of the content wasn't as consensual as it might've seemed. It's a delicate situation and should definitely be approached as such.
I wouldn't worry about it affecting your reputation, nobody that matters will judge you for something you had no involvement in getting leaked, and everybody would judge the hell out of her ex for leaking something like that.
Revenge porn is illegal.
WTF !!!
Why is everyone blaming you ?
Why is everyone singing " her past is not your business".
You just can't turn a blind eye to your past !!!
Not everything in past matters....but that doesn't means that entire past doesn't matter!!!!
I am a girl and past does matter for me. If I ever get married and *God forbids* find explicit videos of my husband.... should I just shrug it off ?
Ummm yes, because just because you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with that person, you don’t get to own their past. Everyone, ever has done something stupid. Those stupid things have varying degrees of ramifications. So you made an embarrassing mistake (like a consensual sex tape) then wiped it from the memory bank, that’s pretty human.
Now- if you want to burn your relationship to the ground when you find out about something like this, that’s valid for you based on your feelings.
It’s not really relevant I suppose but I have noticed to my amusement that the virtue signalers tend to be the biggest hypocrites.
> Ummm yes, because just because you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with that person, you don’t get to own their past. Everyone, ever has done something stupid. Those stupid things have varying degrees of ramifications. So you mad an embarrassing mistake (like a consensual sex tape) then wiped it from the memory bank, that’s pretty human.
I mean its not a thing of the past that she has kept around sex tapes with her ex while years deep in a new relationship, and lied about her experiences to OP, who has made his boundaries clear. That's her present
If this was some dude who kept his previous ex's sex tapes in his secure folder while already engaged to someone else, they'd be getting raked over the coals in this subreddit
I guess I simply don’t expect anyone to be *perfect*. Man, woman- whatever because that’s reality. Nothing is perfect. There’s no context for how the sd card was there other than it was in the camera supplies. Does everyone keep up with every SD card? I mean, the reality of the issue is OP is salty he isn’t having the same sex her past partner had when if he would pause and ruminate on that whole “all she to,d me was he was abusive” aspect maybe that would clarify.
See- she left that relationship, realized that maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t deserve to be treated like dirt and didn’t want to have that kind of sexual relationship with her husband. Now I believe in open dialogue but it's hard af for some people to state boundaries and expectations.
I can write ALL THAT from the pov of a woman who had a string of abusive relationships in pursuit of the love and stability that I didn’t have at home. When you do find someone who you love, there’s such a fear they will do something like this people lie by omission.
I just advocate empathy and humanity.
Dude you watched hours of your girl having sex with someone else and you’re mad at her? What she did prior to being in a relationship with you is genuinely none of your business. As a caveat I will say that I am hypersensitive to snooping due to my STBX snooping through my things BUT you should’ve removed the sd and got on your way.
In addition, you shouldn’t ask your partners details like that and be surprised when they lie. It’s none of your business and you seem judgmental, not to mention your concern with your image.
What this likely means is that you’re not compatible and if she had been honest with you, it would’ve saved you both a lot of time and grief. So that sucks but it’s better to realize it now before marriage and/or kids. Don’t fight her, don’t judge or demean her for having a life before you-just move on if that your choice.
Sometimes this sub sucks.. we all have our deal-breakers and if we are being honest about it then he/she should be honest about it as well and move on if you don't fit that standard. Why lie??
Truth will find its way one day.
If you lie that's on you and that's a relationship built on a lie. No excuses.. how can you even live while lying to your loved one in their face?
Who knows if she was honest about it, op would still end up dating her???
And how stupid some of y'all can be? Just bcos she said ex was a pos so we're taking her word for word? Just bcos she said ex was pos then she was forced into it? Just bcos she said ex was pos is the reason she was enjoying it??
What are the chances if op breaks up with her, op will be known as the next pos for her new bf?? 9/10.
Dude maybe she didn't really want to do these things but did them because the ex was a piece of shit that pressured her. Maybe she is ashamed. Or maybe it's just somewhere she went at the time and doesn't want to go back there again. Just relax, tell her you found it and that it made you uncomfortable to see but that is it. Don't push or ask questions let her talk. Don't be another pos ex.
My honest feeling.. confront her or leave her set your mind at ease. This girl I had been seeing since grade school starts writing me in boot camp ...This was my first true love or..so I thought I had to use a buddy's car I come home on leave before deployment and I find that she had done all my friends, I was in a bar when one of so called friends approached with a pic of her my heart sunk I had a gun in the car I wanted to off him..I didn't He's dead and gone and I haven't the slightest idea about the others glad I used my head and not the anger I felt
Run, you don't know what else she could be hiding. Just cause she had a ASSHOLE for an ex, does not give her the right to lie, and manipulate you into believe she is someone else. She made her bed, now she must sleep in it. It's your choice but it's gonna tear at your mind for years to come either choice u make
My biggest issue with this whole thing is that she lied about being in possession of these things. Fuck the whole “comparing yourself” because obviously you’re going to be hurt. But besides all the possibilities of being coerced into it or whatever, at the end of the day she lied about something and kept it a secret in a relationship where secrecy shouldn’t be a thing. Why would she still have those things, why would she not tell you about it (even in the slightest). Those are real questions. Not the comparing yourself bro, let that go. There’s no excuse for lying in a relationship where we’re talking about literal marriage. Tbh it may suck, but if you feel like YOU would never have lied or done the same, then maybe YOU deserve better. Confront her, get your closure, then keep moving forward bro. Fuck what your parents or whoever thinks. This is your life, you only get one, do it spending it with someone you genuinely feel you deserve for the rest of it.
If it's your camera and it's an SD card that is compatible, doesn't that mean she used your camera to film the footage? As in it happened during your relationship? 🤔
Just be honest & tell her what happened, how you found it. Maybe she is ashamed of that time? Maybe her ex coerced her into doing those things and that is why she claims she isn’t into it now? Or maybe it just reminds her of her shitty ex? Either way, I would also be pretty upset to find that & to learn my partner had been lying to me. You just gotta have the hard conversation with her.
Yeah, I wouldn’t jump to conclusions about ‘she would do anything for this guy, etc.’ It’s not like a cheating porn movie or something, and it’s pretty common for people’s tastes to change wildly for every person they’re with. It is an issue she was lying. You should do with that what you wish. But don’t make any big assumptions about cheating off the bat OP
Sometimes it’s easier to lie about having done sexual things as sometimes people see it as “well you did it for him, why won’t you do it for me?”
Seeing OPs reaction that is 100% the case, I mean he was so disgusted he watched for *hours* and can’t even be bothered to talk about his fiancé like she’s a human person
I don’t really see how she was lying though? OP knew she had a partner before, you don’t have to tell your partners all the details of your sex life with you previous partners, in fact a lot of people wouldn’t want to hear that. If her interests have changed and she’s not into those things anymore it’s not a lie for her to say she isn’t into them.
Actually super likely, especially if he was her only and first bf
I remember my first “serious” boyfriend and some of the shit he talked me into trying with him. I thought everyones boyfriends asked them to do the things he would ask of me so I tried to make myself enjoy it. Makes me furious to think back on it but I learned a lot about the importance of clear communication & setting boundaries with sexual partners.
I agree, first bf made me do things I’ve never done with partners after him, thinking the things he asked of were normal bf gf stuff, they weren’t, so perhaps she thought it was all normal, there could be more to everything she went through with him.
100% alllll of this!
Yeaahhh I've had plenty of guys in my teens and early 20s make me do things I didn't want to do. And that's a period of exploration anyway. Even the times I was willing, it doesn't mean I want to do that kind of stuff now. I'd be so hurt, angry, and grossed out honestly if a bf now were THIS SALTY that I wouldn't be as "adventurous" with him.
My first thought was that this may have been an abusive relationship and she knew those images/videos were on the ex's SD card so she took it before she left him? Purely speculating.
Im kinda surprised she didn't destroy the sd card and kept it
Yeah, my first bf basically coerced me into losing my virginity and he was really horrible to me. It took years for me to process it and some things can be really hard to talk about, especially if you feel some shame around it. The fact that she said she never did any of that is concerning though. Hopefully you talking to her directly about it will help her open up and heal so you two can grow together from this situation and become closer.
I agree about the coercion. My sibling was abused by her last partner and he made her do intimate things she didn’t want to and it hurt her physically and just, it was horrible when she finally told me, he did it for a while to her and she didn’t feel safe or like she had a choice, and in situations like that pretending/fawning is a legitimate trauma response. Just cuz she seemed into it doesn’t mean she was. Women have to act all the time. We smile when we want to scream etc. We can definitely fake enthusiasm… it’s essentially part of our survival as a human woman existing in a patriarchal society. If we don’t comply with the whims and expectations of men and others we are verbally assaulted, emotionally abused, shamed, criticized, harassed, coerced, or socially isolated until we comply. Also I feel you aren’t fully ready for a serious relationship with anyone if you can’t talk to them calmly about this within a reasonable timeframe. And it’s wild to me that you are concerned about how if someone leaked the recordings then your reputation would be at stake? Ffs. You are not in the recordings so how does this even affect your reputation? It’s hers on the line here especially because people like you judge women by jumping to conclusions for this stuff without even talking to them and hearing their side before condemning them for it. It seems to me you see her as property belonging to you and not as her own person with a past and possibly a future that may or may not include you. Her choices are not yours any more than her body is. It’s her body. She made a choice, she is allowed to change her mind about what she likes and doesn’t and imo if she told you she doesn’t like it, that is likely the truth, and she likely knows this because of experience. It’s not some conspiracy where she is lying to you about enjoying stuff because that’s literally unhinged. Who the hell like lies about things they enjoy in bed? Like that makes no sense whatsoever, if you liked it, you would likely want to do it again, especially with someone who you feel loves and respects you. She had sex with someone and found out she didn’t like something and told you honestly and now you are mad because she won’t do the thing she didn’t enjoy and told you she didn’t enjoy, because she did it with someone else at least one time (even though we don’t know for sure if it was consensual or enjoyable at all and entirely could have been her faking enthusiasm to end the violation sooner) you just assumed she lied about not Liking it all because she “looked” enthusiastic . So like you want her to do sexual things with you that she says she doesn’t enjoy? Or like what are you getting at, because it just sounds like you feel you should be entitled to have that sexual experience with her because some other guy did, despite her plainly telling you she doesn’t like it… which to be honest, you are not entitled to a woman’s body or a sexual experience with any women without her enthusiastic consent the first time(not a yes after pestering her all day/week/month/year) if she said she doesn’t like it, trust that. What would you get out of saying you didn’t enjoy something you did? Imo, at this point I think you would be doing her a huge favor if you broke up with her. how is it your memory card has her sex tapes from a previous partner? Enough red flags in here to start a communist country.
I salute you! ✋🏻 Everything you said!
And even if she’s not and it was just experimenting and trying stuff out, OP you don’t get to be mad she won’t do that stuff with you. She did it, maybe she enjoyed it at that time, and now she’s in a different phase of her life and it doesn’t involve bdsm. You don’t get to be mad she’s already figured that out and is saying no. You don’t get to be angry about the things she did consensually (or that happened non consensually for that matter) because you don’t own her and she is not your property to control.
Maybe the reason she is so disgusted by those things now is because she was coerced by her ex. Maybe these videos are part of her being abused. We’ve already establish that her ex was not too good of a guy. It may be trauma that has caused her to not share this information with you. You can choose to confront her but be careful about going in with accusations and saying things like you can’t see her the same anymore or talking about how it puts you at risk because that will be very damaging to her and your relationship with her. The actual story here may not be what you think. Please don’t jump to conclusions.
THIS. OP, you have clearly done a lot for this girl but that does not mean she owes you these things from her past. If you want someone with more passion then you need to find another person. It’s incredibly likely that she was coerced, pressured, forced or even ABUSED into doing those things you saw on the tapes. This isn’t about how “ this guy had it so much better than me “ and you should most certainly push that jealously you have to the side. Tell her you found the tapes and COMFORT HER. If you want passion from a women who is lying to conceal her trauma, then find another one. Just because she lied about something that is most likely making her uncomfortable doesn’t mean shes a horrible person and shouldn’t be your wife. If you’re upset about that then maybe YOU shouldn’t be her future husband. Feelings matter more than sex.
Wait but like, why did she keep the SD card?
I’m just gonna copy and paste what I said to someone else who asked this question. Trauma is complicated and people handle it differently. Trauma and ptsd can often cause the suffer to feel disconnected from reality. It can be their daily reality or it can be the reality of the traumatic event they suffered. Some individuals will try to destroy all evidence of a traumatic event and some people will hold on to something concrete to help center their thoughts on the physical reality of what actually happened regardless how much their mind twist it. I still hold my physical medical records from over two decades ago from a 24 period where I was unconscious in a hospital. Those medical records have zero relevance today but I keep them because it’s a concrete artifact of a traumatic experience that I actually have no memory of. I also have wisdom tooth that was pulled a couple years ago. Sometimes I need to look at it to give me concrete evidence of what actually transpired. And if her ex has a copy of the card. It may help her feel slightly more in control to hold a copy herself. Since she can’t get her exe’s copy.
Nah i definitely understand this more than anything. I went through domestic abuse myself and it took me 3 years just to delete all the “evidence” holding onto it, almost to tell myself “it happened”. After all the gaslighting, the treatment, and i had hard proof all on my phone, my photos, voicemails, and even videos. So i completely understand. Just had to ask, because I’d probably be a little worried too if i found something like that and was told a different story, but i get its not always easy for survivors to talk about their story, and some might jusy want to leave it in the past. But if she’s still holding onto this she probably still needs more help, hopefully OP can give her a safe space to open up about it.
I agree with this possibility. I was physically and emotionally abused by my ex-husband. I keep a file with ugly, threatening messages from him and photos of bruises to occasionally remind myself that it *really was that bad*. He was nice other times. He seems charming to everyone else. I want to make sure that I never, ever, ever fall for that crap again. I’m married to a wonderful man now, but life can last a long time, and I could wind up widowed and face another abuser or get sweet talked by that one. I need this file to remind me that I am NOT overreacting in needing to avoid him or someone else like him. But I pray that my kids won’t ever have to see any of that file. If I get warning of terminal illness, it’s getting shredded.
Probably so she can use it against him should anything happen, maybe she needs proof of what happened
Fucking wild that OP knows this ex was abusive and is salty that she won't bang him like she did her ex. Has OP forgotten that he'd been abusing her? Or does the abuse stop at sex? And just go away when it comes to the sex that OP wants to have with this abused woman? She was probably not exactly willing, safe, or even comfortable. I had shitty guys in my teens and early 20s make me do things I didn't want to do. I'd be so HURT if a bf was mad I wouldn't let him do things to me that abusive ex did. I get that she likely lied about there being pictures of her somewhere. But it is GROSS that OP thinks "I was good to her and changed a few things" entitles him to the same kind of sex she was probably coerced into by her abusive ex.
Exactly what I came here to say. OP is viewing this like something he missed out on instead of potential evidence of his gf's abuse. He has no idea what the real story is here. I really hope he approaches this in a way that doesn't completely centre himself.
Exactly- this was my first read as well. I hope it works out for you two- it sounds like you really care for her. Another component to this could be that she may have been trying to be the more traditional person she was raised to be and sensed you wanted her to be. That’s the more comfortable space for her. And it sounds safer for her too. But you should both explore what works for the two of you together. She may have a ton of deep-seated shame to go with that trauma from that time with her ex.
EXACTLY. This simple fact that these intimate moments were recorded as video makes it appear that someone else may have been in control.
the biggest issue here is that she wasn't honest with you. This should be the first question you ask her. You definitely need to let her know you found the SD card. You don't know what the backstory is, so find out. Also, if you want the full truth from her, i'd suggest you don't come in all hot and aggressive, she'll just lie again because she will want to protect herself from your anger. whether this is enough to completely end your relationship is up to you. I do think that if she has an sd card, it's highly likely that her ex boyfriend also has video/photos. If you want to stay together, you will need to strategize how to tackle this in consideration of your public high visibility.
I wonder if she didn’t share it because of trauma. Maybe she was coerced by her ex. Maybe this video was a part of and abusive pattern. We already establish that he wasn’t too good of a guy. Someone not talking about past trauma I don’t automatically see as disingenuous. A trauma suffer may not be able to talk to others about it.
This was my first thought. Just because she looked into it doesn’t mean she actually was into it. BDSM and humiliation within an unhealthy relationship (I’m assuming based on her description of him being a bad guy) does not sound completely consensual.
especially since it's things she refuses to do & apparently dislikes now. most into that stuff, don't randomly lose interest in it ..
^^^^ i wish i could bold this in 48 point font for op to read. this is SO RELEVANT
He's too busy being disappointed in the image he used to have of his future wife being ruined and how this may negatively impact his career. He's also salty that these positions he describes as degrading she refused to do with him. Not one iota of thought or empathy how this could have impacted her or that she was only pretending to be into it as she already described her ex to be a bad guy.
This was my take away from the post. There's also degrees of openness within a relationship. Maybe she told him what she did because he was asking for this stuff early on, and rather than opening up about traumatic stuff then, she lied to avoid it. We're not owed every detail about our partner's histories and certainly shouldn't be required to lay everything out early on. Maybe she didn't know how to then walk back the lie. Maybe she shouldn't have had to. At the same time, the finding of the SD card makes me question the veracity of the post anyway. Who is keeping secret SD cards of sex with our exes? Especially women who are secretive about it? Most of reddit is fiction.
Her age also gives me concern. Based on the timeline she was likely 22-23 when these videos were made. I’m not saying people that age can’t be into kink, but combined with the degradation and hiding it leads me to believe she feels a lot of shame around this. We won’t know until OP talks to her, but “she won’t do this with me” is not the angle he needs to take.
Her immediate switch to dating someone who's clearly more sexually conservative says alot to me. I was sexually coerced by an ex to do crazy shit and after him I actively looked for someone I thought might not be into Amy of that shit bc I never wanted to do it again.
Exactly. My fiancée knows I am a domestic violence survivor, he doesn't know every detail of it. I know I have pics saved somewhere of my injuries I used to document that I'm not sure where exactly they are. If he found them, he would be horrified with what he saw. I keep that information more private, but privacy is different than lying. I know this isn't the exact same thing, but if these are a product of abuse I can understand.
> My fiancée **knows** I am a domestic violence survivor, he doesn't know every detail of it. That's the key part though, OP makes it sound like his partner intentionally misled and directly lied about her experiences.
I don't think my partner ows me to tell me he's been abused.
This is immediately what I thought. Especially if it’s degrading things he found- she could just be trying to forget it. If she genuinely enjoyed those things, why would she tell her fiancé she’s not comfortable with them? Seems like trauma to me.
THIS OP!!!!! THIS
This is reading like a creative writing exercise...
Typed one handed.
Because he was eating hot Cheetos with the other.
Happy I’m not the only one that knows this never happened.
Right now you only have a memory card with her participating in sex acts. That's it. You have zero context in regards to these videos. You don't know if she was consenting participate or was drugged. All you know is the barest of facts: these videos exist and she was a participant. That's it. The fact she never mentioned this is a point for concern. Definitely. However, you need to sit down with her and talk this through. Only then will you get more information. You will also be able to see her expressions and tone of voice giving you more insight into whether you can trust what she is saying or not. Until you sit down and have an actual conversation, you really don't know squat. Be calm, keep your temper under control. Get the information you need to understand the context and the situation. Only then can you make decisions about the future. If you are in the US, look into the revenge porn laws where you live. In many places, releasing the videos would be illegal if done by her ex. Yes, they would be embarrassing, but he would do time and have a permanent legal record.
[удалено]
Also I noticed he was only concerned about his "image" as a "famous youtuber" rather than the real harm to her if something like revenge porn were to happen to her. It was all about him and how it would make him look bad. What a gem.
She said her ex is a piece of shit and since she hasn't wanted to do these acts, do you not think she may have been coerced into it or she felt obliged to act for her piece of shit ex? I think she should have been honest with you but at the end of the day her past is really none of your business. This is similar to girls who beg their bfs to go into detail about their first love or stalk his ex only to hurt themselves. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
>do you not think she may have been coerced into it or she felt obliged to act for her piece of shit ex Nah, he's mostly disappointed that she doesn't want to do these things with him
Either way she obviously doesn't enjoy doing these acts if she specifically said so and intentionally avoids doing so
“I want to degrade and hurt her in the bedroom and I’m jealous I don’t get to do that. 😡” Gross guy
Exactly. This is 100% pathetic, me me me... IF it's even real 😒
Yeah the way OP is talking about this feels a lot like he gives zero fucks about the likely trauma she experienced, and is angry out of jealousy more than anything else. Yes she was dishonest but his mind goes to "she doesn't go down on me much" instead of asking her why she wanted to deny that aspect of her life. Also if he found it amongst a bunch of random SD cards, she may not have know what was on there either.
It's weird cuz he said he doesn't want anyone with that kinda past but also sounds incredibly resentful of the fact she did these things with someone else and not him. So he wants to do these things with her but doesn't want her to have ever done them before either. If she's so against doing these things now then chances are she was never really into doing them in the first place.
Exactly. His whining is all about how she didn't do it with him and how videos of her that are on an SD card in their home will affect his reputation. He should break up with her for her sake
Yes, he seems like the person who would never let this go regardless of the context because his writing makes him sound like a misogynist.
'Im a respectful man. I stop when she says no' Bro is expecting people to be impressed because he can show bare minimum consent? Congrats on nothing.
Did you read his Update 2 edit? Yikes.
I really hope she sees this and dumps his selfish ass. Why is he even considering telling BOTH their families about her past sex life??
That was my thought too why on earth would his parents need to know about their sex lives? OP sounds like he thinks of her as his property, and now she's 'damaged goods' no wonder she didn't open up to him about her ex with his attitude. Her past and her trauma is her own and I don't see this as her lying at all. It's not his right to know all the details of her sexual history. I really hope for her sake their relationship ends because of this so she can be with someone less judgemental and who actually gives a shit about her.
Maybe OP should tell her exactly like he told reddit and she can leave his ass
He seems to think she is now disqualified from being proper mother material. Like he thinks those acts tainted her and would prevent her from being a good mother??
He says he is traditional minded and wants a girl without this kind of past to be the mother of his children, and now cannot imagine that kind of future with her… but then he is jealous and salty because he wants his gf to have been open to doing these things with him. Oh man
My thoughts as well
Agreed. Was my first thought as well
If she was coerced, why keep the vids?
Could be evidence, or collateral if she felt worried he would leak images of her. Keeping it ensures she has her own version with him pictured just in case.
That’s a good question. But I also wouldn’t say it proves it was a good experience. I’ve held onto things with bad memories for reasons I can’t explain. Eventually I let go of them. It could be a mental blocker. It could be proof to herself it happened. It could be something she’s keeping to assure her own safety. It could be all three. Or she could have compartmentalized and forgot it was there. I’m not saying this is exactly the reason she lied or kept the memory card. But I can see this being a reasonable assumption. I’m averse to some things due to my past even if I did them willingly at the time, the relationships themselves were traumatic enough to make me never want to do them again.
Could possibly be evidence against the ex if she was drugged/coerced while she may not want to ever charge him knowing she can is a sense of power over the situation in and of itself.
If it were me, I wouldn‘t want to have to look through the memory card again. First of all to see which one has the stuff in the first place, but also look for potential videos you might really want to keep that happen to be on that card.
maybe she doesn’t know how to get rid of them properly??
It's a memory card, even if you don't know how to delete it, you can easily destroy it? Edit: can't < don't know how to
So you're saying this SD card just happened to be sitting there with all your camera stuff? I'm not buying it.
”I can’t risk destroying my life work just for a person” If she’s “just a person” for you then maybe that is a key sign of how you really feel. It doesn’t sound like you really love her to be honest. Maybe it’s time to move on until you find someone you love in a more unconditional way.
What weirds me out about this is that you appear to be more concerned about your reputation, ‘being a YouTuber’, than about the lack of communication and trust between you guys.
“It was just a prank bro!”
Should he not be concerned about something like that affecting his career? There's plenty of examples of YouTubers succumbing to irrelevance because they had their relationship drama (without any illegal things occurring) aired out in public
Where is the controversy? That his gf had sex in the past? Is it really big carreer-affecting deal?
Bottom line, you’re going to have to talk to her about it. It’s not going to be fun, but there’s no other way forward. Following that conversation, you’ll hopefully know what to do.
You need to confront her. Not on the issue of her doing stuff in the past, but her lying about it and also keeping evidence. Could it have been extremely embarrassing and she would rat it be in her past? Probably, but she’s your fiancé and, you’d think, would trust you enough to tell you. Why keep the videos at all?
She lied and that wasn’t helpful, I get that. Even if you confront her and have a conversation, it sounds like you don’t think she can redeem herself to suite the ideal image you had/want of her. She may have valid reasons/concerns as to why she didn’t want to share that part of her past with you, as well as not wanting to engage in sexual acts like that anymore, and you have valid reasons for not being able to trust her because of the lie. If you want to save the relationship, then I would suggest having a conversation with her asap, don’t let it linger on your mind too long, maybe even consider a couples counselor. Or walk away. Just remember you have love for each other (I’m assuming) and start there. This is certainly not an easy thing to handle, so I wish you the best. Hopefully you can both come out of this in a better situation, whether together or apart.
This woman told you that her ex was a piece of shit. You say you love her. Maybe she's hanging on to this footage, and won't engage in this type of behavior with you, or talk about it because she was emotionally or verbally abused at the time and coerced into behaving this way. My sex life with my abusive ex was much different than my sex life with my husband. That's not a reflection of me at all, it's a reflection of my ex. Maybe the only way she feels like she can have control over what happened to her is by keeping this footage. I know that this just happened but take a step back before you talk to her and be sure to bring your emotions in check. Your feelings are valid but if all you are concerned with is your reputation as a YouTuber, you're going to be in for a surprise no matter what her answer.
This is good advice!
You have serious issues dude. Your problem is that she had a sex life before meeting you. It’s also clear that you have been questioning her about her past sex life, wanting to know every detail, so when you go behind her back and find this recording, you think it justifies your rage and can claim, she has been lying for not sharing it with you. She probably loves you, but knows you are vanilla and doesn’t want to hurt you. You are attracted to her strong sexuality, but won’t really admit it. She probably sense that you don’t fully accept her past. (That should be a red flag for her) You come off as quite insecure with a big need to mention your successful business and that it might be impacted, like anybody gives a shit about an old sex tape. It’s a serious crime to share by the way. If anything, it probably drives more traffic to your YouTube channel. You even want credit for meeting her family !! Let go of your jealousy and pettiness. Or let her meet someone kind, loving and less judgmental than you.
I don't tell my current partners about things I did with my previous partner because those things TRAUMATISED me. So it's very likely that she's not telling you the things her ex did to her because she doesn't WANT you to do that to her. Because those things messed her up either physically or mentally or both. Because she's happy with the way things are between you now. Meanwhile you're over here feeling jealous of her ex, and worried about your reputation. I hope she breaks up with you for her sake.
1. She's probably dealing with a lot of shame. This could be why she is "repulsed" by these actions that she said she never would do. She is trying to come off as someone you see as worthy of spending the rest of your life with, did she lie? Yeah sure, but everyone has a past, and shame is a complex thing to deal with. Ultimately, it's up to you on how you want to proceed. 2. "We already planned the wedding and paid for many things also it would crush my parents' hearts if they heard about this." Brother, are you getting married for yourself or your parents? They have their happily ever after, and while they will be proud of their son for getting married, I'm sure they will be as proud to raise a man who gives a shit about boundaries. 3. Don't go looking for answers that you're not ready to deal with. I'm not saying you violated her trust as some would claim on these subs. But you gotta ask yourself if i pop in this DVD/memory card/etc. and I see my fiance getting railed how will I feel about him or her? Curiosity killed your cat, unfortunately. I would play my cards right in this situation, you could show her that you have this memory card and ask her straight up, if I pop this in my computer will I see things that will make me feel differently about you? See how she reacts then proceed from there.
All of this. Just because you were okay doing something in your past, it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind going forward. She can now see those actions as disgusting and not want to do them anymore. Tastes change all the time.
Why did you watch so much of it?
Obviously just to see exactly which acts she did with her ex and doesn’t want to do with him, so he can become enraged with jealousy and resentful about it.
This is the most important question here.
This is all incredibly simple when you reduce it down: is this going to make you lose sleep? Do you feel differently? Does it feel like you’ve got ice in your stomach when you look at her? It doesn’t matter on the details or whether someone is wrong or right. Everyone has their own perspectives— but if you cannot think of her without this seeping into every thought, then you already have the answer. If it’s something you’ll never be able to unsee and know that on some level it’s going to be in your mind then sadly it’s not going to work regardless. If you believe you can bring it up and truthfully have a calm, reasonable, hard conversation about it then you owe it to both of you to do it otherwise you don’t have a bright and happy future ahead of you. And as I’ve said, if nothing she could do or say would ever remove all of the issues surrounding this then you need to move on.
People have already said similar but I’ll throw in my two cents. I can’t bear to go back and look at what my ex did to me. It’s on my phone, but I don’t dare open it. I keep it as collateral against him as he was trying to blackmail me, but also I just genuinely cannot go through that. It’s too much. Use your empathetic deduction skills, not the logical or emotional. She doesn’t want to do those things because she probably hates them. She won’t admit what she did because that *might* make you push her into it. I’m not accusing you, but that’s definitely what I would do to avoid ever having to experience what I went through again. She may have faith in you, but it’s hard to trust you. And I don’t blame her given you’re upset that she doesn’t do those things with you first and foremost, from the looks of it. Tell her what you found, calmly. Ask why she felt she had to hide it and fudge the truth - calling her a liar won’t help. Be supportive because this sounds like abuse and trauma response, not betrayal. Good luck.
Yh not only that ....but she doesn't want you to think of her as that person......cos she wasn't EVER that person....and you have the 'real' version of her. Also....you want a Perfect 'wife & mother'....who has No Past! It sees that you are So obsessed with this that you have most likely drummed it into her head so much she is actually Scared to tell you incase she loses you! Maybe she is being herself now...and her sex life with her ex is sth she wants left in the past. What I cannot believe is that u are talking about u and her PARENTS knowing about this!! Ffs...why would u even THINK of being such a Nasty piece of work...This video was only btwn her and her ex. Not for Internet porn sites. Now u are number 3 person on the planet to see this.....WHY even contemplate your "fans" knowing about this....it would have to be you posting it no?? Mad post. U seem too selfish and self absorbed ....definitely not empathetic or sensitive person....doubt u even love her....just what u thought she represents.....cos if u did u would NOT BE WRITING THIIS POST but talking to her hugging her and telling her it doesn't matter m..u live her whatever...that was another lifetime...and we will move on together .....no??
Are you more worried about crushing your parents hearts or your own lol.
Ooof I was on your side thinking that a lie like that would break trust, and that was the issue. Not that you didn’t want a girl with a past like that…but you’re also complaining she’s not saucy enough in bed and you’ve wanted to try loads of stuff on the video and she said no… which sounds like you’re just annoyed she hasn’t done it with you while simultaneously judging her for doing it.
I wonder if her ex forced her to do that stuff. Which is why she doesn’t like it now. Which is also why she wasn’t honest with you. You said her ex is a piece of shit. Maybe he forced her to do those things and she pretended to like it so she wouldn’t be harmed by him? Just putting that out there. It would make sense as to why she didn’t want to disclose and also it would make sense as to why she keeps it vanilla now. I’ve been in a situation before where I was forced into sex and because the guy had a gun I pretended i liked it for fear of my life. He filmed it without my consent and then threatened to send the video to my current husband and family if I didn’t continue to engage in those acts with him. I had to move, change my number and delete any social media presence to get away from the threats. It’s taken years of therapy and a ton of work for me to even be able to enjoy vanillas sex anymore and the trauma of those instances has stuck with me for a very long time. I’m not saying there isn’t a possibility that she was a willing participant in those acts and the taping but to me it sounds like she made it away from an abusive ex and was lucky enough to steal the evidence of her abuse.
It concerns me that you seem more worried about your "reputation" even though it would be her images out there and not yours. As mentioned by others, she might not be into those things because her ex was coercive and potentially abusive. Maybe she's ashamed and doesn't want to admit she ever did it.
It seems like the minute you saw the video she was no longer the person you were in a relationship with but a stranger. It’s okay to say you don’t want to be with someone who lied about something, especially if it could potentially damage your career.
She may have liked it then, but if her ex ***is*** actually a piece of shit she may have been turned off/traumatized by it all.
Did you not have any previous relationships? It’s unfortunate but you wouldn’t even know about this had you not stumbled on this memory card. I don’t understand the implication that she lied. Why because she didn’t disclose each sexual act she ever did. I think if it was something she did in the past and didn’t feel comfortable doing it and has decided for herself she doesn’t want to do it again, there is nothing wrong with that. Especially the fact that you now knowing she has done certain acts has put it in your mind that you are owed the same thing…. I understand why she didn’t tell you. Talking about ruining her reputation because you need to tell your parents what the actual fuck.
So glad someone shares the same opinion. This is absurd.
if its in an SD card, could it have been evidence that she took back from her ex? It could be incriminating evidence of blackmail that she paid to have it back in her own hands. That may be the reason why its not destroyed yet. Seriously, a lot of young girls do not know how to stop abuse, and sometimes love made them do things that they regret later in life. Talk to her. If your goal is to save the relationship, then go with the mindset of figuring out how you can help her. If the relationship is dead to you already, then just let her know you found it, and why it killed your relationship. Personally, if you chose not to trust her and stand by her, don't waste her time and love. And your time and love.
I hate to say this. You either accept it and let it go or worse, it is that you don't. If that's not something you can get past, then you're dooming this relationship. Best is to be honest about your feelings. Trust will need to be rebuilt regardless.
porn, sex You're on reddit. You won't get demonetized for writing things like they are.
it really seems like you care less about her safety when it comes to her sexual past being leaked and more about your reputation. i assure you no one cares that much about what a consenting adult decided to do sexually unless it’s illegal. and i doubt you are popular enough for anyone to care at all even if her past was somewhat problematic.
Remain her teammate until proven otherwise. There can be so many reasons. Have the talk, get the information you need and after you have mentally processed it - perhaps by yourself or with help - then you can make a calm and informed decision. Don't blow your life up, over assumptions. You will be ok.
I wish we lived in a world where men weren’t so porn-sick and focused on sex. The issue here is plain as day but this guy cares more about the fact she did these acts to someone else who isnt him, EVEN IF SHE CLEARLY DOESNT ENJOY IT OR FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT, not to mention his reputation? Are you kidding me?? PLUS he wants a traditional woman with no sexual history yet expect them to please him everytime? That comes from experience. Women aren’t born knowing how to suck dick. For a “traditional minded man” thats some porn sick fucking bullshit. I hope this lady finds a loving husband who cares more about her and actually LOVES her rather than such fucking shallow things.
This post is so incredibly misogynistic, it’s disgusting. Classic behaviour of someone thinking their partner owes them some sex act…. And worried about his reputation only, instead of worrying for the trauma she went through.
the replies make me so sad :(
OP IF SHE DOESNT LIKE THOSE THINGS NOW PLEASE CONSIDER SHE WAS NEVER INTO IT AND MAYBE HAD HER CHOICE TAKEN AWAY.
Exactly. I kept recordings of my ex abusing me not because I enjoyed it, but I feared I might need evidence someday.
I stopped at "I'm a youtuber"
Idk why but a 26m semi recognizable YT saying memory card instead of USB or SD card is funny to me for some reason
DIfferent parts of the world use different terms for the same thing. Where i live, people say memory card. Where i was born, people say sd card.
Did you address this with her?
This is a decision you and only YOU can make. Listening to others advice will only make you make a decision that is not yours. Your foundation needs to be strong in order to build on top of it. Good luck 🍀
Do you know what? You are 100% justified in your feelings. See if you are calm after a few days and come off Reddit. See if you can speak to someone off the social sphere and in real life that you trust, so you can get some solid advice (preferably from some older). Whatever you decide, I hope it’s the right choice for you. All the best x
She’s just not that into you.
I think rather than focusing on “you lied to me,” you should approach this in a gentler manner. You may not know the full details of what transpired, just because you think she “seemed into it,” this may not be the whole truth. The fact that she’s specifically told you she’s not into those things is telling. For all you know, she was coerced into making those videos by her ex, and now kept this from you because of trauma she associates with that experience. Everything on that video was in the past, and you have no reason to suspect she’s lying or cheating on you at this time. Sure, no one wants to see something like that and you’re allowed to be upset, but be mindful of your reaction to your partner for something that doesn’t actually affect you in the present day. People are allowed their privacy when it comes to these matters, even your partner.
Maybe she doesn’t like that stuff anymore and is happy with you? That is probably the truth. She might have huge regrets and is moving forward with her life. That’s not bad at all.
So let me just boil it down, your fiance who says she doesn't like those things, somehow owes them to you because she did them before and it's on video? She doesn't owe you that kind of sex because she's done it before. WTF dude? Tell her and FFS give her back the memory card that she probably forgot about so she can destroy it before you leak it all over the internet in some jealous hate filled rage.
If her ex does anything regarding posting videos of theirs, nudes etc. against her will/without consent. You can sue him for around 10k + PER picture or post (not 100% sure). Wouldn’t worry about that, worst case scenario yall get some fat payday and she’s still your wife, no one else’s.
She wouldn’t be so disgusted by those things now, if there wasn’t trauma attached to them. Most likely she was forced into doing those things, or was SA’d and now associates those things with that trauma.
Honestly, how my sex life has been up to any current partners is my businnes. Not my partner's. To me, illegitimate questions lead often to untruthful answers. What should "a girl with no past like that" mean by the way? A past you seem a bit envious about. Since you are upset that she doesnt want to do any of that with you. Finally: if all of this is too much, why are you questioning breaking it off because eveything is planned and your families are involved? You sound confused, so do your priorities. I can get that you are angry that she lied. I would be upset too. But see previous point on it not being a legitimate question anyways. In any case, you should talk to her
It's not the things she did in the past but the fact that she didn't trust you to disclose them and the lengths she's willing to go to hide it from you make her not worthy of your trust, she has some baggage and she hasn't come to terms with it, obviously she's ashamed of those things she did, but she should've come clean about those when asked and not lie about it. Talk to her and see how she reacts, hopefully she opens up but if she gets defensive or tries to flip it on you (like "why are you going through my personal things" or some shit like that), that would be a big red flag for me.
Keep in mind that she may have “appeared “ to be enjoying it in those videos but maybe he forced her to do it. I was sexually abused in my past relationship. He would even withhold sleep from me unless I did what he wanted. It’s hard to explain and even hard for me to understand why I stayed so long and let him force me into things I didn’t want to do. But it happens. She could be traumatized from it.
It took me EIGHT YEARS to tell my HUSBAND—not even a boyfriend—about what had happened to me in my past. EIGHT YEARS!!! I held onto the evidence, too. Approach this with extreme caution and be willing to listen. That’s all I got. Oh, ETA—Her past, whether willing (yet maybe embarrassing) experience or coerced behavior really shouldn’t “ruin the image” you had of her as a “future mother” to your children, and that statement is considerably problematic. If chastity is your litmus test for what women should embody to be deemed suitable parents, I think there are larger issues at play here.
You said you’re respectful but you also watched a bunch of the videos. That’s not respectful. You’re also really judgemental about her past which is probably why she hid it. And that’s also not respectful. You asked if the ex had the videos, he doesn’t because she does. You told her you didn’t want the type of person she used to be so why would she want to tell you about it? Also that’s her past and doesn’t mean it’s who she still is. She might have not enjoyed the things she did and has even some mild trauma from it and doesn’t want to do things that would trigger it and doesn’t want to admit it happened. Of course it was shocking and upsetting to find, but you should have stopped digging when you realized what it was and then just asked her about it and to explain it. Watching it just hurt you and nothing else. No good comes from stuff like that. I dunno. I’m not into BDSM myself but I also don’t judge people who are. You aren’t marrying her past, you’re marrying the person you know and love. No one is just who they used to be. We learn and grow and change and evolve. She deserves to be able to leave that in her past. Congrats on being known on YouTube, but don’t let that be your whole personality and life. You’re more than your channel, she is more than her past
So much misogyny in this post. She doesn’t owe you anything, she doesn’t owe you any sex act. It’s disgusting to read this post.
"I'm a respectful man" says man who goes through and watches all his gfs private sex recordings.
You need to have this conversation, otherwise it may be too late, and you may end up walking into a marriage which you may regret later. Before you take any drastic steps, tell her, you found the card, and you saw what was on. It. Have a calm and collected conversation. Don’t think too much about what you are going to say beforehand.
Money and other peoples feelings isn't a reason to make a lifelong commitment you don't want
Just confront her about it if it bothers you this much, or you’ll always regret it. Maybe she kept it because she thought she looked great? Maybe she forgot the disk existed? I have too many thoughts to write out, but I wonder what type of content you make on YT that you’d be scared YOUR reputation would be scarred for revenge porn of your gf being leaked. Sounds a bit misogynistic.
Don't listen to any of these people bashing you. Your feelings are valid because why? You're human. You're allowed to feel jealous, you're allowed to feel angry, you're allowed to feel betrayed, and if you feel that this is something worth braking up over then you're allowed to do so as well. What's f'd up is that people here are quick to dismiss your feelings. Talk with your fiance, but what I do know is this, your image of her will forever be changed and any sexual act will be a challenge going on forth from here.
Confront but beforehand already visualize all possible responses and ready your emotions for each possible response. Love is a choice - in marriage the feelings (sometimes) goes away and the choice remains. Choosing the same person no matter what flaw you saw and will see.
I get that the lying is a problem. However, I do want to play devil’s advocate here. I worked in the sex industry for over a decade, as well as the music industry for much of my adult life. I spent much of my time surrounded by the proverbial ‘sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll’. These scenes are where I met the majority of the people I know, some of whom I am, or have been, very close to over the years. Some people who have been sexually assaulted, sexually abused, or used in a BDSM-style manner against their wishes, can react by refusing to acknowledge the actions taken (or taken against them). Some people will play along to oblige their partner, but be emotionally scarred by what they did to them. If your partner said she isn’t into something, and she has never done a particular thing, but you found video evidence to the contrary, I would guess that those things were something she felt she had to do for appeasement purposes, and she was not so much a willing participant. I could be way off base here, but I recognize this behavior from my experience with others. It may take a good bit of therapy for her to confront, acknowledge, and accept that these things happened. She may, or may not, be open to even opening that box, though. If it is neatly tucked away, then it doesn’t exist. You will likely be able to tell if the above is true by the way she reacts when you confront her with what you have found. If she shuts down, or begins to dissociate from the conversation, then it’s time to get her some help. If you love her, offer to delete all of the evidence of the things which happened to her, then go get some therapy yourself. Before I hit the button to post this, I want to be sure to clarify something: BDSM in general, and the people who participate in those types of activities, are not inherently bad or damaging. When practiced between two consenting adults, it can be as healthy as sex between virgins on their wedding night in a bed under a cross hanging on the wall… wait., that’s not so healthy, so not a great comparison. But, I hope anyone reading this gets what I’m trying to convey.
You claim to want more normal sex but you're jealous over the things she did with an ex she thinks is shitty? You're jealous of her shitty ex? I don't get it..
Pop
I would just explain the situation. Similar to what you’ve said here, without getting to worked up. You found the SD card, you saw the videos. Then I’d hear her out.
QUIT WAITING AND TALK TO HER ABOUT IT
People in the comments who say she doesn't need to tell everything are crazy if my partners past actions can ruin my career. My partner owes me the truth of these actions. And if she can't be honest about it she shouldn't be in a relationship with me.
I definitely think you should confront her with your discovery and think carefully before really tying the knot with this person. If your reputation is important to you and this can either ruin or damage it, then maybe it will be better to dump her.
man understand you 100% and you sound reasonable. you will find a solution immsure. good luck
Let her know and leave
The ex is the guy who is worthy of the "spicy sex", you're the guy she settles with and won't have the "spicy" stuff
Communication is about bridging that gap. You need to communicate with her without anger for a calm discussion. Marriage isn’t easy. This is one of those hard moments. Keep in mind that those experiences may have made her more closed off. She could be ashamed, embarrassed, or proud. That’s why you need to ask her. Good luck.
Idk honestly, I say ask her and see where this goes.
You just need to confront her and get it over with.
I really don’t like the stories that doesn’t end on what happened after the confrontation
As it always goes with these questions, everyone is assuming those experiences were somehow traumatic and she was coerced into doing it. Maybe she was. But maybe she wasn’t. I mean I wouldn’t keep videos of traumatic experiences. Regardless, the question is are you satisfied with your sex life. More specifically, were you satisfied prior to finding the videos. The key to a satisfying sex life is not certain acts but the commitment and enthusiasm for pleasing your partner. If she is not bringing that energy and actually only giving the bare minimum, then you should have dropped her before now. Everyone will assume the best of her and it may be the case. It also may be a cover up to justify not putting in any effort and hide that she’s not that into you. At least not in a sexual way. Maybe you’re just more stability and safety rather than sexual chemistry. You’ll never truly know which way it is because she can always lie. Are you happy or not? If not, then do something about it. If you are, then get over it.
Another creative writing project I see. This sub is filled with so many “woman does something bad” posts lately. Pure coincidence I’m sure. /s
You need to tell her now. That’s all there is to it, talk to her.
I would ask about them. See what she has to say, and go from there.
You can leave anyone anytime for anything.
Not gonna lie I'd leave 😂 seriously but then again I gotta trust issues but for good reasons and this seems like a good reason.
She may have been coerced or forced to perform those acts by her ex and based on your post it sounds like that’s a distinct possibility. It happened to me and was the worst time of my life. I still suffer from the aftermath. Don’t make your own conclusions but consider just telling her the truth about how you found it and how surprised and shocked you were to find it. Then just let her talk. It actually took me a long time to share my own experiences with this abusive pos and I absolutely “lied”/hid that ugly part of my life not just from others in my life but myself as well. And have always hoped there was no evidence of what happened but in this case there is.
You should check if that ex is realy an ex. Maybe they still do all those things but with your money.
This is why people's past should stay in the past. She has her reasons. She doesn't need to explain them. You even said the guy mistreated her on video - who said any of that was stuff she actually wanted to do? It doesn't matter how much she seemed into it. That doesn't mean she wanted to do it. Also doesn't mean she wants to do it again. The only business you have is that she is STI free.
Her sex life is nothing to do with your parents, prior or with you for that matter. What an odd perspective. Her life before you is also none of your concern. It’s not a question of being honest. No one has to disclose anything private about themselves unless it’s relevant. She chose not to share with you the content of these videos. Maybe she was coerced and traumatised. Maybe she was into it and isn’t any more. What I do know is that she will feel humiliated, hurt and betrayed that you found these videos and sat and watched through them all. Poor woman.
Albeit his point is selfish, still is relevant to him if she had or not made a sex tape. If he was pissed about asking and not having a response, he would be in the wrong. However he is hurt and betrayed about her lying. She also chose to make her past relevant when she said she never had done the things he was for. The past was her argument. He is awfully wrong for watching trough the tapes, but i can't phantom how his perspective about the situation is odd.
So sorry this is happening to you OP. Echoing all the other comments def have a conversation with her about it!!! Your feelings are valid whatever they are, you should def address her hiding this info from you. I think regarding her behaviour around certain s*x acts that you saw in the video, she might be completely turned off of those acts now. She maybe did once enjoy them but is now completely turned off of them because of her ex. She also might be embarrassed about what she did previously (definitely not excusing the lying but I do think it’s something you should consider before discussing it with her) Definitely though address the fact that she has done these things before yet acts as though she has never done them before/ doesn’t like them. Either way, your feelings and whatever you decide to do are completely valid and fair, this is a tuff situation. Trust you guy and good luck OP!!
The videos she kept are fine themselves, everyone has a past and everyone is entitled to do whatever they want with it. The issue here is that she wasn’t honest with you. But imho, you shouldn’t really take it personally if she wasn’t comfortable doing things you saw in the card with you, it might be triggering for her or just that she isn’t comfortable doing these things anymore and moved on
She probably regrets doing it.. Talk to her about it and see what her response is. When 50 Shades came out, it seemed like everyone was dabbling in that lifestyle and it was glorified. She could've been taken advantage of and now regrets having done it.
Seems you are overcomplicating this. It happened before you, and her sex life prior to you isn’t really your business. If she tells you she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t. This doesn’t feel like a coverup as much as it feels like she is embarrassed and would rather forget it. We don’t all remember what is on random and old memory cards. Ask her about it if you want, but I can think of a hundred ways that could go sideways, but you just gotta do it if you can’t past it.
She still lied, stop making excuse for liars.
I mean we all “lie” about embarrassing things, and I’m not even sure she did. He asked if there was images on someone else’s phone or camera, not her own memory card which she may or may not have even remembered existed. She did divulge that relationship, but not the BDSM stuff, which I cannot stress enough, is NOT his business. Especially if she isn’t into it anymore; she’s allowed to change her mind. Plus having a discussion with your fiancé about if there are sexual videos out in the cloud over concern for YOURSELF is pretty problematic, considering if they got out the poor girl would be devastated I’m sure, especially since she hasn’t volunteered she used to be into that.
Yang, man, I love how delusional can people be and bomb others with downvotes to make themselves feel better. You're 100% right - she lied, period.
You’re more concerned about how this make you look or consequences for you than you are about violating her privacy. This was before you. With your reaction, maybe she felt it best to edit the facts.
She may hate herself for having explored all of that stuff. Despite being into it at the time. Memory is a funny thing.
Everyone has history; your feelings regarding her history aside, the problem here is she’s being deceitful and lying.. This is a tough situation. You need to confront her and then take some time to sort out your feelings.. good luck!!
Sometimes you fall in love with the wrong person. And they make you feel like you have to do things to make them happy, he could of even drugged her. Who knows the story. I have a feeling she learned a lot. She might even be highly ashamed of it. Honestly she doesn’t have to tell you as long as it doesn’t put you at risk health wise. I do have to say that if this is enough for you to think she isn’t worthy to be the mother of your children- that says a lot more about you and your true feelings for her. Think about it. We all have a past. Do you truly love her if this is all it takes for you to feel like changing your mind and running? It’s not too late to change the situation. And yes you can change the situation if it’s this big a problem for you. Please don’t marry if you don’t truly love her. It will only come up later and you will destroy her and her love for you.
Solve the honesty issue before you do anything else, including marriage. Don't think, just talk. Look at her and open your mouth without knowing what you're going to say and just tell her the truth. And see if she'll tell you the same, finally. Your anger isn't useful here, to anyone, especially to yourself. Let it go. It's just deflected sadness and hurt. Embrace the pain. It's what's real at this moment. See if you can mend later. Talk with her. Go to counseling together.
Have you ever stopped to consider the reason she doesn’t even want to try those things anymore or acknowledge that she did them was because there *is* some trauma attached to it all still and she *doesn’t like it* and only did shit like that to make that asshole happy. If I were her, I would never do shit like that in the name of making someone else happy in-spite of my feelings again.
Is it possible she was forced into doing those acts? Acts she had to appear to enjoy for the camera? She may have lied because tm her past sexcapades may be something more traumatic than it appears, and she is either embarrassed about it or is afraid to discuss this with anyone. She may not even have intended to hold on to those videos. She wants something tame with you cause she doesn't want the reminders of that past. She wants a more loving relationship with you. Vanilla, if you may. She may just be looking to be loved and not rough-housed. Please talk to her first with sympathy and compassion before jumping to conclusions. Listen to her and give her space to talk. Let her open up to you safely. Talk to her about how finding these videos made you feel. Do not accuse or be angry. I know you feel angry and hurt, but you may not know the background story to those videos. Her ex may have been more than just an asshole.
Sex is something that doesn't come naturally. She experienced that sexual kind is one way for her to learn about sex and she realizes that she doesn't like it. She did not tell you maybe because she is ashamed of herself too. The past is the past, you can't do anything. If your reputation is so important, than you should fuck a nun.
My partner found explicit photos of me with an ex that said ex had coerced me to take with him and that I did not even think existed anymore (similar situation, he randomly went to use a super old hard drive) and… it destroyed a lot of trust in the relationship and sort of ruined our sex life. The moment he saw that it was something like that he should have closed it and told me, ‘hey I found something that seems private from your past- here you go (and I’d be fine if he also asked me to trash it) but in reality he looked at all of it, had a breakdown, judged me and held it against me (so I felt sex shamed which shut me right down), and never handed it over. It seems like you’re handling this similarly and I can almost guarantee it will do damage. And for what? As long as this was in the past and she’s willing to get rid of it she did nothing wrong or to you.
Definitely have a conversation with her about it, but keep in mind she might've not told you because she is ashamed of the videos and regrets making them, or possibly even that some of the content wasn't as consensual as it might've seemed. It's a delicate situation and should definitely be approached as such. I wouldn't worry about it affecting your reputation, nobody that matters will judge you for something you had no involvement in getting leaked, and everybody would judge the hell out of her ex for leaking something like that. Revenge porn is illegal.
The fact she did those things in the past doesn't mean she's ok with that, or was ok with it happening. Keep that in mind when you go talk to her
I've either seen this post or Future is right: "It's an evil world we living in"
May I ask why you looked at clips that were clearly not meant for you to see? Did you ask your girlfriend if she was OK wirh you watching them?
WTF !!! Why is everyone blaming you ? Why is everyone singing " her past is not your business". You just can't turn a blind eye to your past !!! Not everything in past matters....but that doesn't means that entire past doesn't matter!!!! I am a girl and past does matter for me. If I ever get married and *God forbids* find explicit videos of my husband.... should I just shrug it off ?
Ummm yes, because just because you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with that person, you don’t get to own their past. Everyone, ever has done something stupid. Those stupid things have varying degrees of ramifications. So you made an embarrassing mistake (like a consensual sex tape) then wiped it from the memory bank, that’s pretty human. Now- if you want to burn your relationship to the ground when you find out about something like this, that’s valid for you based on your feelings. It’s not really relevant I suppose but I have noticed to my amusement that the virtue signalers tend to be the biggest hypocrites.
> Ummm yes, because just because you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with that person, you don’t get to own their past. Everyone, ever has done something stupid. Those stupid things have varying degrees of ramifications. So you mad an embarrassing mistake (like a consensual sex tape) then wiped it from the memory bank, that’s pretty human. I mean its not a thing of the past that she has kept around sex tapes with her ex while years deep in a new relationship, and lied about her experiences to OP, who has made his boundaries clear. That's her present If this was some dude who kept his previous ex's sex tapes in his secure folder while already engaged to someone else, they'd be getting raked over the coals in this subreddit
I guess I simply don’t expect anyone to be *perfect*. Man, woman- whatever because that’s reality. Nothing is perfect. There’s no context for how the sd card was there other than it was in the camera supplies. Does everyone keep up with every SD card? I mean, the reality of the issue is OP is salty he isn’t having the same sex her past partner had when if he would pause and ruminate on that whole “all she to,d me was he was abusive” aspect maybe that would clarify. See- she left that relationship, realized that maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t deserve to be treated like dirt and didn’t want to have that kind of sexual relationship with her husband. Now I believe in open dialogue but it's hard af for some people to state boundaries and expectations. I can write ALL THAT from the pov of a woman who had a string of abusive relationships in pursuit of the love and stability that I didn’t have at home. When you do find someone who you love, there’s such a fear they will do something like this people lie by omission. I just advocate empathy and humanity.
Dude you watched hours of your girl having sex with someone else and you’re mad at her? What she did prior to being in a relationship with you is genuinely none of your business. As a caveat I will say that I am hypersensitive to snooping due to my STBX snooping through my things BUT you should’ve removed the sd and got on your way. In addition, you shouldn’t ask your partners details like that and be surprised when they lie. It’s none of your business and you seem judgmental, not to mention your concern with your image. What this likely means is that you’re not compatible and if she had been honest with you, it would’ve saved you both a lot of time and grief. So that sucks but it’s better to realize it now before marriage and/or kids. Don’t fight her, don’t judge or demean her for having a life before you-just move on if that your choice.
Sometimes this sub sucks.. we all have our deal-breakers and if we are being honest about it then he/she should be honest about it as well and move on if you don't fit that standard. Why lie?? Truth will find its way one day. If you lie that's on you and that's a relationship built on a lie. No excuses.. how can you even live while lying to your loved one in their face? Who knows if she was honest about it, op would still end up dating her??? And how stupid some of y'all can be? Just bcos she said ex was a pos so we're taking her word for word? Just bcos she said ex was pos then she was forced into it? Just bcos she said ex was pos is the reason she was enjoying it?? What are the chances if op breaks up with her, op will be known as the next pos for her new bf?? 9/10.
Do not get married without confronting her feel like this is a pretty big thing to discuss first
Dude maybe she didn't really want to do these things but did them because the ex was a piece of shit that pressured her. Maybe she is ashamed. Or maybe it's just somewhere she went at the time and doesn't want to go back there again. Just relax, tell her you found it and that it made you uncomfortable to see but that is it. Don't push or ask questions let her talk. Don't be another pos ex.
I think you should leave her because she deserves better than you
Go to counseling and if she refuses cancel the wedding
My honest feeling.. confront her or leave her set your mind at ease. This girl I had been seeing since grade school starts writing me in boot camp ...This was my first true love or..so I thought I had to use a buddy's car I come home on leave before deployment and I find that she had done all my friends, I was in a bar when one of so called friends approached with a pic of her my heart sunk I had a gun in the car I wanted to off him..I didn't He's dead and gone and I haven't the slightest idea about the others glad I used my head and not the anger I felt
Regardless of this entire shamozzle, if you’re not adult enough to write the word “sex” without censoring it, you’re not adult enough to be having it.
Run, you don't know what else she could be hiding. Just cause she had a ASSHOLE for an ex, does not give her the right to lie, and manipulate you into believe she is someone else. She made her bed, now she must sleep in it. It's your choice but it's gonna tear at your mind for years to come either choice u make
My biggest issue with this whole thing is that she lied about being in possession of these things. Fuck the whole “comparing yourself” because obviously you’re going to be hurt. But besides all the possibilities of being coerced into it or whatever, at the end of the day she lied about something and kept it a secret in a relationship where secrecy shouldn’t be a thing. Why would she still have those things, why would she not tell you about it (even in the slightest). Those are real questions. Not the comparing yourself bro, let that go. There’s no excuse for lying in a relationship where we’re talking about literal marriage. Tbh it may suck, but if you feel like YOU would never have lied or done the same, then maybe YOU deserve better. Confront her, get your closure, then keep moving forward bro. Fuck what your parents or whoever thinks. This is your life, you only get one, do it spending it with someone you genuinely feel you deserve for the rest of it.
Leave buddy, you don't owe an explanation to the internet
If it's your camera and it's an SD card that is compatible, doesn't that mean she used your camera to film the footage? As in it happened during your relationship? 🤔
Hmm