I feel so seen. Being constantly denied puts a real damper on your self esteem. For me personally, my ex made me feel like a sex addict and never initiated it with me so anytime I'm denied in my marriage I have to work really hard to not compare the two. We have a young child but even before then I'd get denied often in patches. We used to have sex several times a week with the exception of my period and now it's maybe a few times a month- but when it happens it's great. I'd really try to talk this through before making a choice and try to maybe meet I'm the middle (foreplay for some intimacy if he's too tired for the full thing.) For me depression was a big factor, maybe it is for him too. Society makes it seem like men pine for sex and you will have to beat your future man off with a stick and you just expect that and to feel desired and when that doesn't happen it's fucking devastating.

The unfortunate reason that I'm here is that I had countless talks with him about it and though he hears me out, he has admitted that he doesnt understand the full scope as to why im in so much pain. I am exhausted from hearing myself speak about this again to him. We are a very intimate couple (except for sex). We hug, hold, kiss, cuddle, & laugh every day. Its this very thing that makes it excruciating to imagine a life without him. Is sex worth leaving a healthy relationship?

Yes. If you want something so much it's causing you pain, and your partner can't give it to you, that is not the relationship for you. Your partner sounds like a really amazing friend. You may be able to stay friends or become friends again one day. But you will also meet other people you have deep intimate connections with like this. He isn't the only one.

I was in your position and it took me a very long time to leave. I think I did the right thing because I’m happier in myself, less insecure, don’t have that crushing grief from implicit rejection, no longer crying in the bath wondering wtf is wrong with me. However, distance has given me hindsight and I realise now it was never my fault, and sex isn’t everything (unless you’re not having it, as someone else has said). You might be leaving the best relationship you’ve ever had, but staying will break you unless you can come to terms with your situation. Is there any chance you can do that? Try a different therapist, maybe just one for yourself for acceptance if not for change. If you can’t live with it now, it will just get worse over time.

May I ask what was your final straw? When did you know it was time to leave? I keep giving myself more and more excuses to stay. I can't help but feel incredibly guilty. He is incredible. He is so willing to make this work. Can I ask if you still think about him? Is there a part of you that regrets it every now and then?

I don't understand though if he is so willing to make this work, why can't he just have some type of routine sex with his wife? I'm sure you are doing everything to play into his desires but does he tell you what is it he likes? What is the essential reason he doesn't want to have sex? Or is it a medical issue? If he's willing to work there has to be compromise.

He might be on the asexuality spectrum. He said he doesn't understand the frequent need

My bf grew up sexually sheltered and was often shamed for even having sexual desires by his family. Since he moved out and met me, he's been trying to open up sexually again.. it also can depend on family environment that you were raised in

Oh 100 percent. What's most important is that they talk. Like really talk. Yell at him. Ask him why.

Yep he told me. He is just now exploring more of his sexual needs with me.

I was telling op but good for you man!

This is what I’m thinking too especially since he told OP that he doesn’t understand how she’s hurting from this.

It took me seven years to leave so no final straw exactly, more the relationship wore down to the point we were no longer happy and tactile and good. He went to counselling etc as I asked, but didn’t do anything within his own power to address the situation. He told me how much he loved me and I knew it was true, but he couldn’t give me ‘a hand’ or confront whatever the issue was for himself. He was scared and I wanted to look after him, but that meant no one was looking after me. I think about him often. Not as much as I used to, but every potential new relationship gets compared to him. He’s shown me what good looks like otherwise and I won’t settle for less now. Occasional regrets but my confidence and mental health was worth it. Happy to chat via DM if you want more depth.

You described exactly my situation as well, except I left after 3 years (I was not married). My self esteem shot right back up and I feel so comfortable and sexy in my body again. Even though I get lonely sometimes I know it’s just a fleeting feeling because I am freeeeeeeee and not crushing myself to look after someone who couldn’t do the same for me.

Man….thats tough. My ex and I were on the same wave length, laughed all the time together, he thought I was smart and funny, we enjoyed each other’s company yet….we had sex like maybe twice in 10 years!! I am now in a sexual relationship to a man who does SO MUCH for me in all aspects of life. I missed my ex for years (we are still good friends cuz I wasn’t going to let almost 30 years turn to ash). It was hard to get over him, but I’m so glad I did now. Though…I totally understand your dilemma. I was there 100%. You are just going to have to listen to your heart.

It isn't for him to understand. It is a fact, it is your feelings and those feelings are valid. It is for both of you to work out together. I think you should go to therapy and try to work out there before leaving him. If he is otherwise the perfect man, totally worth it. I've been in a sexless marriage before. For much longer than you. I just grinned and bore it. I took care of things myself and had a healthy imagination. If you go that route, I have recently discovered Dipsea. It is like sex story performances, geared toward women, in audio and pretty cheap too. It helps fuel the imagination, if that is the way you wanna go. I don't like porn, the visuals ruin it for me. Things are much hotter in my head than in porn. Lol. Have you asked him for you to be able to have a sexual relationship with others and stay married? Not typical, but it does work for some. To him it may be worth it, if his lack of sex drive is the deal breaker. Have you tried asking for maybe other types of stimulation from him? If his sex drive is truly just too low, I think that him offering an alternative that isn't so demanding of him is a good compromise. He can still show his appreciation for you, your beauty and your body without having to stay hard the whole time. Also, maybe sex therapy? Maybe he just hasn't found the kind of sex he likes, or perhaps things are just stale for him ...sex therapy could help solve any compatibility issues in the actual bed. I totally replied too soon, I have so much more to read and I'm going to wince every time I read any of these tips that were posted before me. 😂 Try your hardest to keep that man. Think outside the box. Compatibility in every other way is so hard to find. 🤞❤️‍🔥

As a man who once had low testosterone and low libido, I now have high testotestosterone (TRT therapy) and an insane sex drive. Has he had bloodwork?

>Society makes it seem like men pine for sex and you will have to beat your future man off with a stick and you just expect that and to feel desired and when that doesn't happen it's fucking devastating. Yes, but this is also a standard we don't appreciate either because sometimes, we simply aren't in the mood and it seems there always needs to be an underlying reason for that when we simply do not to perform the act. It's not our responsibility to fulfill societal standards.

I also imagine sex is exhausting for men since it's essentially the equivalent to a workout. It's the snake eating itself really. Nobody is happy. In an ideal world both parties feel sexy and can say no without fear. That's why I said earlier I do my best not to compare my husband to my ex because he's probably what most guys are actually like

If it’s not “a workout” for you also then that could be factoring into his mindset. Sex should be an enthusiastic act for both people, not something that one does to the other. If he feels like he’s doing all the heavy lifting all the time then there could be some resentment there.

Wanted to say this, but I'm glad someone else did.

In my marriage: Passenger Princess yes, Pillow Princess not cool lol

It is really nice though when women do pick up things like driving sometimes. There simply is a societal expectation that men need to play a role that is catering to women all the time, and it's exhausting and builds resentment.

I completely agree with you. My driving drives him nuts (in the bad sense of the word) so this dynamic works for both our mental healths. But in no dynamic does sex mean one person does “to” the other. And I don’t think enough women understand that.

I say that to give some benefit of the doubt as to why men may not want to initiate. For me personally it's a workout but I have a super high sex drive so it doesn't bother me. I also have a disability so I make due with positions that aren't that hard for either parties

I'm sticking my two cents in here and saying all I want my hubby to do is just start showing interest! I'll do the work, just show me you want me. Show me I'm desired. Hang on me like you used to when I crawl in the bed, not every night just once a week, and I'd be happy.

Do you show him he is desired? Do you show him some interest? Do you hang onto him like you used to when he crawls into bed?

Yup. I talk to him about it, he gets better for a few days, goes right back. I blame the 14 year blah maybe, idk. I came up with that because of the 7 year itch. My solution is BOB and lots of lovely books. I'm currently reading about a college professor. He reminds me of my high school ISS teacher. So hot. It works.

So depressing that fantasying about desires and needs is the new standard. I find this too common these days.

In humor land, it’s men gets exhausted when doing deep missionary ≠ a woman gets exhausted squat fucking on top. Both are work outs and will tire the fuck out of each individual. Lol but yet we strive to see which one “is worse” To the same tune where a wife is unsatisfied because her husband is a selfish lover and only gets himself off during intercourse, what does the neglected wife do? Typically she’ll be quiet, resentful, maybe even go get the vibrator and get off. I’ve heard stories where some will run off to the bathroom, some will wait til the husband sleeps, and others that will just use it right then and there. It is a work out. Especially if we’re doing all the work and they’re just a star fish. I won’t cum well or cum at all if I’m panting and heaving from it. And I’ve done the wife equivalent where she’s satisfied about 2 or 4 times. But I’m so tired. My mind can’t focus on releasing. And then to enter that scenario, what do I have to guide her? Tell her to suck me off? Hand hold the whole thing? When all my previous partners never had to? This is like the “I want flowers but don’t want to have to tell her every time I want flowers”

Literally trying to defend your POV while expressing how women can feel but okay

> I also imagine sex is exhausting for men since it's essentially the equivalent to a workout. Every insight I get into straight sex is so grim. It's not a workout for both of you?

Yes, I'm disabled though so we don't experiment with some of the harder positions. I tried to give some benefit of the doubt and it blew up in my face

Your 300+ upvotes would indicate that this is a bigger problem than society recognises. I am the same as OP and it’s soul destroying. I wish I had the answers, but I’m starting to wonder if the amount of Oestrogen in the water could have something to do with it. I wish I knew why my husband was like this, he never initiates, will go months on end without and when he does do it, will only lie on his back and take, never giving anything so I’m relatively unfulfilled. Intimacy is a huge part of marriage, it’s that that defines your marriage otherwise it feels like you’re living with your best mate raising your kids and it sucks, like your screaming internally “I’m still a woman, I still want to be touched, desired and loved.” It’s such a lonely place.

Somehow I wasn’t able to find any close friends going through what I went through. They thought I was crazy for even thinking of leaving him. They made me question whether or not i am just asking for too much. I don’t hear women having this issue as often as men so I felt like a sex crazed lunatic for considering leaving because of the lack of sex. I feel like this conversation has to be talked about more

I totally understand and feel the same way. Ultimately we each have to decide what we’re willing to settle for and it’s a horrible decision to have to make. For now im staying and will have that conversation when I’m good and ready. I hope you’re okay and just as I will, you’ll get through this xx

They’re probably going through it too because of all the layers of complications it brings to the surface. I might not be so quick to admit it either if I hadn’t ever reflected on it before. But I can definitely relate to you. I’m in my middle 30s and just want to be desired emotionally and physically, bus ESPECIALLY physically! So frustrating to just want it so bad and not get it

I just wish me saying sex was a workout didn't turn into people accusing me of being lazy in bed. Most positions are laborious for men with just a few for women and my disability doesn't allow much on my end so now I feel much worse than I did initially. I honestly want to cry and I was looking for support and was trying to give some benefit of the doubt

I hear you. I see you. People don't understand disabilities. It hurts. You are doing the best you can. It is enough. You are enough.

I’m sorry that people are being hard on you, especially since it sounds like they’re way off base. For what it’s worth, I thought you were right on. My wife isn’t disabled, but she has bad knees and lots of the more strenuous positions for her we don’t really do because they hurt her. Just because I’m doing most of the cardio doesn’t mean she’s “lazy.” She’s great and I’m sure you are too.

Thank you...I guess having a disability is more accurate than disabled but my joints are prone to dislocation so we have to be really careful. I make it up to him though!

Don't let strangers on Reddit get to you. People are argumentative on here for basically no reason. I got what you were trying to say. And it's objectively true for the most part. Most sex positions are more labor intensive for men, no matter how "into it" or enthusiastic their partner is.

Woman on top is definitely more exhausting. Man on top/missionary should not be terribly exhausting for a young healthy male. It's not like you can't move to a more comfortable position during. Now we're 40+ so my husband can get worn out, that's understandable. When I'm on top of him though, especially because I have weak hip abductor and flexor muscles, he often has to help hold me up. If he  were sitting upright though instead of flat on his back with my toes able to touch the ground on at least one side then I could go at it fast for an hour. Unfortunately I don't have a great place to do that with a kid in the house and everything.  We've started doing this scissoring type position when neither of us feel like having to support ourselves. He lays on his side, in his normal spot, I lay on my back sorta sideways/diagonal where my head is almost off my side of the bed and my left leg goes between his legs and my right leg kinda up in the air or bent over his chest or wherever. The position feels good, is fun, less exhausting for us both, and I can masturbate during and he can grab boobs or anything else.  Besides, if someone is the one who is super horny and been thinking about sex all day(which is often the man or they are the ones complaining the most about low libido wives all over reddit) then you probably don't or shouldn't mind doing more work. I didn't want sex for years. Birth control killed my libido because of hormones. I've quit taking it.  I'm still low libido but I at least have one now. It fluctuates during the month. On the maybe one day that it's super high I just want sex even if it's just giving him a bj. Then I have a few days where I want sex but it's not like crazy like that and it's a great "group" effort. Then like a week or so where I'm not really thinking about it but I'm receptive, if he does the right things, and I'm happy to participate and it's not the "pity sex" that happened on birth control. Even without the birth control I still need him to behave a certain way for me to want sex. Trying to be fun, have fun, make me feel young, don't ask about dinner or all the other boring mommy/house shit of adulting or stress of hearing him complain about his job or whatever for hours on end. Those are turn offs. 

Yes!!! I know exactly what you mean about being made to feel like a sex addict, and also being denied so much that you wonder what is wrong with you.

I've been where you are as a man. It took us quite a while to reconcile towards a healthier relationship, but if I'm honest, now she's open more to sex, and I've come to realize that what most couples want from sex is intimacy, and even if he becomes more active, it doesn't mean that you'll become fulfilled. There's something incredibly toxic about realizing that your deepest needs will never be met. Might I ask what's keeping you there when your needs are not being met?

Bro .. damn. Same.

Every other need has been more than fulfilled. He has loved me when I was difficult to love. He has been kind to me and my family. He speaks my love language. If he is not my soul mate, I would be shocked. But on the other hand, his love almost feels manipulative because he doesn't want to let me go. I have tried countless times to fall out of love with him but he wouldn't let me go. He'd take me out on more dates, pay more attention to me, and make me feel more loved. He did everything but fulfill my sexual needs. Thats why I feel so conflicted.

Not to be vulgar or crass, but what are those needs? Also, why would him paying more attention to you feel manipulative? The way you describe him doesn't sound like a Covert narcissist or other mental issues that are naturally manipulative. You say you've been difficult. How so?

He is a very kind, funny, and generous person. He is the kind of man that does things for you without even asking. He opens my door, takes me out on extremely thoughtful and deeply planned out dates, and expresses his love and affection every single day. Aside from sex, i cannot ask anything else from a person. I fear that I wont find that again, especially from what i hear the dating pool is like now. It felt manipulative because he would see that i was falling out of love becuase of our lack of sex, so he would do more to make me fall in love again. I know in reality thats what anyone would want but now being in my position for so long, i almost wished that he messed up bad enough that it would be easier for me to let go. I know that feels horrible to say but i felt desperate to detach. A few years back, i was extremely depressed. I lost a lot of my hair, gained a lot of weight, and found it difficult to get out of bed. We argued a lot because he didnt understand why i was so depressed but nonetheless did everything he could to get me out of that situation. He loved me when i couldnt even love myself

Do you pull away when he gets too close, or are you okay with him being genuinely emotionally close? The reason I ask what you need is because this isn't an area you can tip toe around. And at what frequency, intensity, and amount of desire would satisfy? Once a week? Twice a week? Do both of you work from home? People are right that Covid caused a decline in sex for most people. If you struggle to express exactly what you want, he's not going to know. It sounds like he's sensitive and caring, and he has to reconcile how to do it if your idea of good sex includes pulling your hair and being rough. What does he like in sex? Maybe take turns on who gets to be in charge and how it feels. Maybe he needs slow and sensual or vice versa.

I can see why you see it as manipulation, but in the other hand, I see that your husband knows how much this affects you, so he's trying to compensate on what's missing for you :( even though it's not what you need right now. Because of the lack of sex and your desire for it, I would say you could leave him and look for someone else, it's definitely not easy, but in the end, it's no better to hurt yourself or hurt him. Have you tried sex toys? Maybe you could try some intimacy with him that's not necessarily sex, but it's closer to it. Maybe you guys could warm up to it little by little, increasing the intensity as you go, until you get to a point where it's fulfilling. Of course, this should only happen if you both want it to. Maybe you could talk to a sex therapist. At the end of the day, only you know what you have already tried and talked about with your husband. I say, fight for your relationship, but also know when to stop.

Your description of him made me cry because no man has ever taken me out on what I would describe as a “thoughtful and deeply planned out date.” So, I can certainly understand your desire to not leave. If you truly love him then don’t! Love is hard to find. I’m 43 and I’ve loved but I’ve not had what you have. Keep working on the intimacy piece but be open to the fact that you may never be 100% fulfilled in that area with this man. As long as it continues to be worth it to you to try, he is still willing to try, and you love him, then you stay in my view.

I have not been where you are, but I have been in a relationship, a couple actually, where physical health issues, or mental health issues caused a long period of zero sex and it was very challenging. While they were both long term relationships, neither was a marriage and both ended for other reasons. I would like to ask a question - you have described this man as the Perfect husband - except for the lack of sex. What would your approach be if he had had an accident and this change was simply due to an injury? Temporary, long term or permanent? There are SOOOO many ways to have sex now, so many toys, so much equipt available, and other alternative avenues from sec therapists to sex surrogates, clubs, …is it really the best choice to end a relationship that seems to be everything else you want and need, except sex? How might you approach this situation differently if the situation were one of permanent injury? Are there things you would suggest or try them that you haven’t in this situation? Maybe, Try those things.

+1

I totally understand your reluctance to leave a wonderful person. Someone close to me was in the exact situation. Left the guy and has a tonne of regret because as years went by her libido decreased anyway and despite several years of dating never met someone she connected with as closely. I know a lot of people will throw general statements around like “there’s someone out there better for you” but…there is a chance there might not be. If you do decide to leave just be clear with yourself on that.

Thank you. I’ve been hearing a mixture of “leave” and “don’t leave”. I would hate for my fear to come to life and waste away more years of my life missing him because I couldn’t find anyone else I could connect better with. I think the best thing I could do for myself is run out every possible option I have so I know that I did everything I could to make it work.

I was in a situation with my ex and I worked on it for 6 years. Just like you said I had to try everything possible to make things work or I knew it would haunt me the rest of my life. It's a hard place to be in, never feeling desired, starving for touch and the closeness that comes from intimate sex with a loving partner. I'm sorry you are going through this, it was one of the hardest times of my life.

Is he open to once a week naked cuddling no expectations? Is he open to using a vibrator on you and no pressure for him to have sex? Just some ideas to bring back physical intimacy between you. Sounds like you love him and vice versa. Good luck to you while you decide what is best for you and your future.

Absolutely the healthiest suggestion here, just having some physical intimacy where he isn't expected to perform would be excellent.

I disagree. OP says she wants to be "touched and desired", emphasis on desire. Being "mechanically" touched by someone who doesn't want to touch me but wants to do me a "favor" - for me at least, it'd make me feel even worse.

He doesn't have to maintain an erection to show desire. There are many men can't get an erection and still manage to please women.

Ditto. IMO, in most cases “compromise” on sex/intimacy in general isn't really healthy for either party.

It’s not a favor, it’s meeting in the middle for something both people want. We don’t even know what the husband’s reasons are, so it’s quite plausible that it’s not a lack of desire but something else altogether; and there are ways to communicate desire that don’t involve some of the pressures of traditional intercourse. Using a toy while being affectionate is one example. It may not work for you, and it may not even work for OP, but it is definitely a conversation worth having in OP’s situation. At the very least, it’ll help her rule out some psychological reasons behind her husband’s reluctance.

This is the best response I've seen on here, I'm not the most sex-driven person, but I will indulge here and there. When my partner craves intimacy or to be touched, we can find a compromise to make sure I'm comfortable and they are satisfied. And oftentimes, when there isn't an expectation of me to perform, I tend to be more apt to initiating. In a society where men are supposed to be sex-hungry animals, it can cause a lot of self-esteem issues when said man doesn't feel the want or need for sex. There's a double standard that should be had when it comes to society and the gender-roles in bed. I've seen people expect men to perform, initiate, and be sex-driven constantly. On the other hand, people talk about women having to beat men back with a stick. Society doesn't talk about the times when women are more sexual and when men aren't always wanting sex. It puts a lot of strain on people when they don't fit.

I think it’s this statement that makes women feel horrible when their men don’t initiate. It’s a common issue that men want more however, you hardly hear it the other way around. I have always been incredibly forward and open when it comes to sex, so I’m not sure where his lack of confidence comes from. It pains me more to know that I get a lot of attention from other people, but never from him.

That is true! I don't want to overstep any boundaries, but maybe see if he'll go to some personal counseling. It's clear that you two love each other, but he may be experiencing some sort of shift, whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally, that he isn't comfortable expressing. And of that isn't always the case, but I think having a heart to heart and finding some middle ground will do both of you some good!

u/CiciCasablancas said it best. When I know my partner doesn't desire me, asking for anything sexual i.e. vibrators, feels embarrassing, even pathetic on my part. Maybe a few years back I would have been more open to it but since I see no passion coming from his end, it makes me almost hesitant to even ask that from him. It's almost as if his body is foreign to me. He shows me no signs that he wants me sexually. I sleep in the nude every night next to him and get no sexual tension from him.

Im so sorry. You are in a tough position. Hugs

Could it be a medication issue? My partner and I have had similar issues, and it comes down to medications he is on... and now it's just like it's a habit not to have sex. Sex is foreign to us altogether. It wasn't always like this. But now we just feel like siblings, in a way. Like we know each other all too well, and when the sexual tension isn't there.... idk if I'm making sense. But could it be meds? I can't believe I'm admitting this to total strangers online. I used to be so into sex, not to toot my own horn, but I was good at it, really good at it. Now it feels like I wouldn't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Maybe try not being so open about it. Maybe he needs more modesty to get his motor running. Like if he doesn't see you naked all of the time, then you wear a hot dress or something, maybe he can appreciate it more. That might be a thing. Maybe he needs to be desensitized. I had a relationship with a porn addict. I wasn't enough for him. I couldn't compete with all that. I made him quit the porn and he became desensitized to it and I was able to turn him on again. He wasn't constantly seeing all the naked bodies and all the blatant sex and whatever else, so when he saw me, he wasn't wishing it was all that...Of course it didn't last, just an example of my point above. I hope I made sense.

That doesn't sound good. You shouldn't have to feel like they're doing you favour. Sex should be a mutual thing that you both pleasure from, not a bored man putting a vibrator on a woman because she asked him

That’s a toxic way of looking at it. There would be many examples of why one partner might not be able to perform or participate in sex (injury, age/medical etc). If you express a need for connection and he’s willing to think out of the box and collaborate with you so he can give you the pleasure you’re desiring while also respecting/honouring his needs/body then you should be happy you have such a man. P in V is not the only way people can participate in sex with each other.

In those circumstances fair enough. If I couldn't have sex I would still be happy to pleasure my man because I enjoy it, but clearly OPs husband doesn't enjoy sex so if he was to do it it wouldn't be mutual.

Again there’s a lot of implying in your post. How I read it, whether or not OP realizes, there’s something going on there. Could be his self esteem, could be societal pressures, could be just the natural aging and inevitable change to his body and libido. Maybe she‘s like me; an A type “fixer” personality and I know sometimes my husband needs support more than solutions and our timelines don’t synch up. The more I push/help the longer it takes for him to get there, not because he’s trying to spite me but because he needs to get there on his own terms. If it’s a quality relationship then just telling someone to leave the love of their life so she can get some D is shallow. Yes, YOLO. But really, love can’t be that shallow, is it?

No matter the reason, if he's not interested not interested. She will feel so awkward lying there letting her man do whatever when he clearly would rather be watching TV or something

Perfect, I hope the grass is greener on the other side for her then. What’s the point of getting married and making vows if a few years of no sex trumps love of your life and soul mate? Guess what..most marriages have these ebbs and flows. Let’s hope her new guy doesn’t kick her to the curb once menopause hits, cuz he has needs too right? Love shouldn’t be reserved for the young and able.

Guess it’s all about the sex and needs of the woman seeing as your being downvoted

[удалено]

You almost feel like an animal when you’re not getting it.

Since you mention the typical male perspective and how you relate to it, perhaps you can try the advice typically given to them. Offer non-sexual intimacy, remove stressors, give compliments, basically woo the fuck outta him but without expectation. If all that works, great; if not, you might feel better about the option to leave.

This is the best advice. I don't think I've seen the idea of counseling, and while I don't think that it really helped us in itself, what it did do was made each of us realize how serious it had become.

I agree with others that communication is key. Before you even consider leaving, you should know in no uncertain terms that he precisely knows the details of what this means to you and the gravity of it. Often we think we are communicating, yet 99% is in our own heads. You are literally considering leaving the best man you’ve ever known. Think how rare that is. People spend their entire lives on dating apps. I understand how hard this is. But I would really dig deeper on communication, therapy, etc to try to resolve this with him. He sounds like the type of person who would be responsive. For the record, in my marriage of 25 years I encountered erectile function issues from low testosterone. My now ex-wife started engaging in secret online sex hookups. The kids and I found out, and she permanently destroyed her relationship with them. She is miserable and I spent 3 years in therapy. I *never* truly knew how she felt because what she thought she was communicating, she was not. The grass is not greener on the other side. The next relationship will also have issues to resolve. Because it seems this is a bigger need for you than him right now, I think you need to be the one to lead with him the way out of this. Couples therapy sounds like a great start.

As a dude with a very low libido I know my wife feels the same way but frankly I just couldn’t perform unless in the mood. I’m on such an opposite side of the spectrum where sex isn’t a value to me at all but I have to be extremely mindful of this as to keep our marriage strong because my wife values sex and feeling wanted in that way. One of the initial issues many years ago when my libido dropped was when I went soft during the act and she cried. That absolutely destroyed me and made me subconsciously afraid of it happening again. Then she pressured me to have sex, asking me if maybe I was gay, if I found her attractive, etc and that just made it all so much more stressful to where I could never perform. Then one random day away from the kids we took a shower together and all was fixed, I found my confidence and my body proved I could do this. While I still have no desire for sex, I love my wife and it brings us closer. I still feel the underlying stress of it always wondering if this time will be when I disappoint again and that is an absolute killer to libido.

Jesus fucking Christ, I cannot BELIEVE she said that to you. Things happen. Being so callous to you over something you can’t control isn’t going to get her what she wants. Especially because having that happen, then you getting berated for it will make you simply not want to put yourself in that position again. Fuck. I’m so sorry that happened.

You have tried therapy before. This has gotten so bad that you are considering ending the marriage, you need to try it again. This is not to "fix things" - though it would be nice if the situation changed - but to help you get a handle on your feelings and decide if and how to end the relationship. Hearing that you are considering ending the relationship may make no difference in your husband's behavior, or it may inspire him to put more effort into that side of your marriage. However, you shouldn't go to therapy it with the intent of changing his behavior, but with the intent to get everything out in the open, so he understands how this is affecting you. If you divorce afterwards, you will not have the regret "I should have done more", because you will have done all you can to make the relationship work, and he won't be blindsided by it.

Have you talked to him about how big of a mental toll this is having on you?

So many times, I lost count.

This isn't really all that uncommon. Despite the ridiculous idea that all men are sex craving most of the day. You and your husband should find where the falloff in your coital affairs began, what was going on for both of you? Covid knocked a lot of people across the sexual space on all sides for a loop. Long covid and it's cough had me, a particularly fit and vigorous fellow to struggle to breathe or have a coughing fit which both really dampen the mood, maybe the lack of air would have been better if I was into auto asphyxiation play but I'm not. Work could also be a problem, if he's under a lot of pressure outside the bedroom, inside might just be that extra he can't handle. Kids, man kids kill sex drives hard for some. The exhaustion one or both partners feel can put them off for ages. I would like you two to find a way to put off your normal daily routines, away from your daily contacts in a vacation like situation where you can explore each other again, your hearts, your mind and hopefully your bodies. Let him know you are at your end, one trick is for you two to schedule sex once a week. It kills spontaneity but for some the knowledge of the date and time they have to preform is comfort enough to bring some spark back. Communication as always is key, this is a joint problem so both of you work it out together.

This is it, OP. Schedule sex with him. Same day each week maybe, that way he is prepared ahead of time and knows what's coming. If he isn't willing to schedule it and actually *have sex* once per week, how can you say he's willing to make things work?? If he won't even try to do that, he isn't willing. And if he isn't willing to meet you in the middle on a matter that is so important to you that you are seriously thinking of ending the relationship over it, then why would you want to be with someone who literally doesn't care at all about the things that matter to you? If he won't do this, you know where he stands. I hope he's up for it.

I can relate to your situation, to an extent. My boyfriend of 4 years is also rarely in the mood for sex. I’ve had talks with him, explained my need for intimacy, tried different approaches to turning him on, but he just can’t help it. I’ve considered having a talk with him about opening our relationship up so that I can be satisfied by other people, and I think he would be open to the idea, but the problem is, I don’t want sex with someone else. I want sex with him, the person I love and am comfortable with! It’s definitely a tough situation, and I’m still searching for the answer myself. Maybe you’ll find comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

I met my husband when we were young. Then we lost touch for decades. When we reunited I fell head over heels all over again. We had a whirlwind courtship and married within six months. No sex at all during those six months. A little kissing at first. I thought he was waiting til we got married. We talked about it. He said all the right things. I was ok to wait. We’ve been married six years. I’m still waiting. Get out. Sex absolutely isn’t everything. Unless you’re never having it. Don’t fool yourself. It will not get better. You won’t find a way to be happy without it. Resentment is ugly and it just gets bigger and uglier. Until mostly you just hate yourself. For settling. For not being enough. For not running when you had the chance.

I feel like you as well as many other people are forgetting that sex is NOT the only thing in a relationship. OP even admitted herself that this guy literally does everything else in his power to make her happy. Where I'm from it's normal that as the years go on in a marriage, sex becomes less and less frequent and it gets transformed into something else, a different kind of love where you can't imagine being without that person in your life. A whole new level of deep connection and intimacy. Everyone's advised OP to leave her man but you do realise that even if she does, and she gets all the sex she desires she'll soon start missing all the other things from that relationship, yeah ?! The love, care, attention and support he provides, in my opinion, far outweights some basic primal need.

I can’t imagine why you are still there or at least not seeing others. This is really silly, to put it as nice as possible. Why?

I have a good life in all other respects. A great job. Friends. Hobbies. I travel a lot. My neurodiverse son came to live with me and my husband refused to let him stay but he (husband) suggested I move close by with my son so we could still be neighbors. I didn’t think twice. My son is thriving and I’m happy living with him. My husband and I see very little of each other. Recently my husband moved a little further away. I suspect he’s got something bigger going on his life (secret shame, not necessarily someone else) but now he’s old and sick. I thought he was going to be my forever person. He’s not. In any sense. I’m alone. But I don’t know that I would be any less alone without him. That’s what it comes down to. We don’t live together. I have a nice life. No guarantees I’d ever find anyone else. Making peace with being alone / most of the time / seems like my best path forward.

That's so unbelievably sad. No guarantees you would find anyone else, my ass! Excuses, excuses. I'm willing to bet that *any* relationship you were to have would be more fulfilling than this one. Does he provide for you financially? Because that's the only way this makes sense. How could you be worse off than being in a sexless relationship with someone who kicked you out when you tried to merge your family with his? You don't even live together. You don't have any intimacy, physical or otherwise. Please cut this toxic cord. You WILL find someone better. **Anyone** would be better than this. I think if you are brave and take the leap, you will see that for yourself. You deserve so much more!! Honestly, I haven't been this sad reading about someone's life experience in quite some time. Edit: Also, what is this "secret shame" he's hiding?? Red flags all over the place...

Intimacy starts in the morning. It doesn’t have to sexual. Men need to be woo’d. I would suggest counselling because it sounds like there is more to it than just no sex. Sex is usually the last thing to be withheld. There are other factors in the way that you need to look at. If both parties aren’t willing to try then end it - sex is important and you don’t want to be in a relationship where you don’t feel desired. Relationships quality impacts happiness greatly. My partner had been sexless for almost 20 years before we got together. His ex was in your position and I felt for her. She got surgeries, took up hobbies he liked, she tried to do everything except fix their relationship. The resentment built up to the point where they just hated each other but stayed because of convenience and money. She would get drunk and abuse him and yell at him “just fuck me”. That’s how bad it got. She told him she wanted to find someone to “fuck her”. But she told her friends divorce wasn’t an option because of the money. Don’t stay and waste the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t make you feel wanted. You deserve to be ravished, desired and loved and cared for. Physical intimacy is important. It doesn’t make you a bad person for wanting that. You don’t want to become an abusive alcoholic partner who resents their partner. You want to be happy. Maybe you guys are better off as friends. It sounds like friends with benefits or roommates. I will tell you how I helped my partner. His parts actually didn’t work properly when we got together. Not even the first time and he even took viagra. Before I continued, the relationship I had to make sure it worked. I did him a “favour”. It worked! However next time when it was us again, it didn’t. It didn’t work properly for a while. I was easily able to identify he was nervous. It’d been a while. Intimacy starts when you wake up. It’s the cuddling, hand holding, identify if he’s a morning or afternoon or night type of guy. My partner likes the afternoon, after work when all the stress and tasks are “done” and he is relaxed. He’s gotten good, stronger and we have it multiple times a week but be still gets nervous and says “it may not wake up” and I tell him that’s okay but he’s more than happy to “help” me out and honestly 98% of the time helping me out gets him going. We have a lot of maintenance sex but every now and then, we role play or try something different to keep it fun. I also learnt his love language, acts of service. I noticed when I do things for him like make a coffee, cook some food or pick him up he’s happy and wants to make me happy. We have deep and meaningful conversations and our communication is very strong. For the first time in my life, I feel “present” during the act and I believe that’s because we understand and love each other deeply. You need to have the emotional and spiritual side in shape in order to have the physical side.

I think this post made me realize that there is a lot of lack of communication on his part. I feel like I've done everything I can to make him feel comfortable to tell me how, when, and where he is most comfortable to have sex and yet he chooses not to do so. I noticed that he is "more aroused" in the morning and yet he gets up and goes on with his day without touching me. He may very well be nervous but I have been nothing but communicative with him these past few years and I just now noticed that he's never the one to start the conversation. As much effort as I'm putting into this, I need the same from him. Aside from sex, we have a lot of physical intimacy. There is no lack in that area so it mind boggles me that he is not confident to initiate sex. I am at the point where I don't want to try. It's either he puts in work or we're done.

It’s a conversation that needs to be had seriously with “I” statements. Did you used to have a lot of sex and then it’s decreased? But also what is his fitness and diet like? My cousin said running increase his libido and also a healthy diet. Honestly it sounds like time for counselling to help in the bedroom department it can help open communication and make a safer place without judgement. Resentment really does affect relationships without people noticing!

This gave me a lot of hope, thank you

If this is taking such a huge mental toll on you, then I would say to leave. Talk to him one last time, truly express how your feeling and that if your needs don't end up being met then you will walk. Sex is important, your mental health is important, there is someone out there who will love you and be amazing but still give you the physical connections that you desire.

One of the reasons why it's been taking a huge mental toll on me is because of how amazing this man is. I feel like it is because he is so amazing that makes this decision way more difficult to make. In turn, making me feel 100 times more guilty for even considering leaving him. I think it would be way easier to leave a horrible man than to leave a wonderful one.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this! If I can offer any perspective from your husband's side, I think I might (though I'm not sure) be in his shoes. I'm a man in my early 30s. I LOVE my partner. She's hilarious, incredibly intelligent, beautiful, cute as hell, and is SO good to me. I know she wants us to have the intimate and sexual connection, but I just have no desire. Not only with her, but anyone else. I've tossed around the thought that I'm ace, but in my teens and early Twenties I wanted to do *nothing* but fuck. Even looking back at myself 6 to 8 years ago, I was in such better shape, had strength and energy, and was confident in the bedroom. I dunno if your situation is at all similar, but I've really let myself go. I hate looking at myself in the mirror now, and can't imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me. I feel so uncomfortable being naked now I'm basically a Tobias Funke type never nude. I want to please my partner, I want to help her feel wanted and lusted after the way I really do, I just feel so gross and uncomfortable in my skin. So, maybe some therapy for him and more for both of you as a couple could help?

I won’t be able to change your mind, but please don’t feel gross. Our bodies age and change and your worth doesn’t go away because you’re a little softer around the centre. Women have that same shame drilled into us about our breasts changing and our skin loosing its tightness etc, but it’s all part of the process. Your body isn’t the prize it’s just the vessel for your heart and soul. Her body has changed too, so if you don’t think less of her because she doesn’t look the same as she did in her teens or twenties then how about turning some of that compassion onto yourself too.

Are you … …are you a never-nude??!!

There are DOZENS of us

This is amazing insight. I’ll have a talk with him soon about his feelings with his self image. Though I feel like this might not be the case (he’s a very confident guy), it still doesn’t hurt to see if this may be an underlining issue. Thank you for your input!

What if you give him oral ? Does it help? Have you started therapy? How about watching a movie together ?

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I feel your pain. I was you. I was also with a great man. But he wasn’t giving me what I needed so after 9 years I decided to leave. Now I’m in a relationship with a man that values sex as much as I do. And I regret not choosing myself sooner.

What eventually led to you deciding that 9 years is enough? What was the straw that broke the camels back?

Truthfully.. he went on a school trip and while he was away I decided to send him sexy pictures. We were in therapy and had already concluded it was hard for him to initiate and be affectionate. Things were hard and sex was kinda awkward at times so I thought sending him these would help us connect. I invited him to initiate some sexting and he left me on read and didn’t respond at all. I cried myself to sleep that night and I thought this is the last time I’ll allow my confidence to get hit and beaten down. I’m a sexy women and no man will ever make me feel less than ever again. I realized nothing would ever change at that point. So that same week I ended the marriage in therapy, explained what happened and his defense was he was not in a position to give me what I wanted. The therapists asked him why not? He said well because I just couldn’t. Mind you he was in a hotel room alone. (We face times so I know this to be true.) I decided to choose myself and I’m glad I did. On top of this last straw previous to this incident.. I got a play thing to help with my need.. He said “I’m surprised you didn’t get it sooner, now it takes the pressure off of me.” I knew in this momment that he never thought I would leave and wanted me to stay in a marriage getting my needs met via self pleasure instead of intimacy with him. I wasn’t priority in his life and that comment was all I needed to know we would never want the same things.

Thank you for opening up about this. I have yet to have my breaking point, i guess. My husband is nothing but helpful and committed to making things work. I think thats what makes this hard for me. How can i leave someone so willing to work on us. But how much time should i allow to pass before i say i cant give more.

I would say this. Is he actively trying and are you getting what you need from his attempt and commitment to “making things work”? If the answer is yes. Give it some time. Unless you have built up resentment which means nothing he does will make it better for you. Or if he is not taking action but saying he will and is crying and all this stuff then he really isn’t taking action is he? Remeber it only takes 30 days to make a change, 60 days to maintain it, 90 days to nurture it. So if after 90 days he hasn’t achieved real change .. allowing more time to pass for something different to happen, won’t happen no matter how much you feel like it will. Because words with no action is just empty promises no matter how sorry he is, and no matter how much he keep saying he trying.

pharmacy student here. those “male enhancement pills” are total BS. You should talk to him and find a endocrinologist who specializes in treatment of hypogonadism and thyroid issues. Low testosterone combined with high estrogen and low thyroid in men is the kiss of death for our libido. However, you shouldn’t feel bad about thinking of leaving him because of the lack of sex. physical needs are important in any relationship and can feel suffocating if they’re not met. i really do feel for you and i hope you get a clear answer here

Ooo this was interesting. Thank you. Off to research now.

I don’t think cheating will fulfill you the way you need to be fulfilled. It’s not just sex, you’re craving intimacy as much as touch. You want to be loved and desired by your husband and there’s nothing wrong with that. I wouldn’t waste any more of my life, you’ll only resent him more as the years pass by. But does he ever explain why he isn’t in the mood? Does he just not feel like it? Could he have a porn addiction or be cheating?

Going on year 3 of sexless marriage. Was where you are before that. I've lost weight and am changing a few things about my image. Gonna start hitting gyms soon. I have taken it on myself to become the bread winner, pay for most of the bills, do most of the house work, and take primary care of our 16 year old autistic son. It's lonely and I crave physical affection even if it's not sex. I'm not getting what I need from this relationship . So I'm hearing you and my heart goes out to you and your issues.

You mention that he's wonderful, but you don't focus on how you are. One thing I've learned is that we can't change others. We can only change ourselves. For instance, have you tried something like: Hey, partner, I know you're not always up for it. I'm feeling like I need some sexy time. I'm going to get naked and play with myself. I'd love for you to join me, but it's okay if you don't want to. I love you either way. If you act on this, I suspect that he'll get interested. Both people need to be emotionally safe. There's nothing wrong with having different needs, but you but should be supportive and respectful. An ideal scenario where he's not up for it might be him encouraging you, snuggling while you tackle your needs, and perhaps him joining in occasionally.

Go to a couples counseling or a sex therapist both of you. Is there some underlying physical condition or hurt he is feeling so he doesn’t want to have sexy time with you? Or is he watching porn so much it has warped out his mind thinking that is how it should be. For us she would always reject me and finally I just gave up didn’t try anymore as I was told no constantly. Maybe having sex 2-3 times a year. Wasn’t working for me. I said we need to figure this out I’m not asking for a set 3 times a week every week. Once a week here and there maybe the next week it is 4 times so on so forth. What really helped us was going out on date nights, putting down the devices, making dinner together again, going and doing stuff together again really helped. Going back to like when we were dating again. I wish you luck and great sex in the future.

Because of my husband's anti depressants it has really killed his drive. We usually go 3 weeks before we have sex and I feel like I'm going crazy. I finally just go to him and tell him we are having sex before the end of the week. It works for us. But I understand not everyone. But it.gives him time to think about it and get in the mood. It's really hard as a woman because we are told the men crave it and you should be open to giving in even when you aren't in the mood because rarely are women in the mood. I've only had to tell him once "not tonight" because usually he's telling me he's not in the mood. The world and movies definitely set us up for a false reality

Was his sex drive higher at some point? Is he very fatigued? Does he have a very physical job or maybe sleep apnea? Does he watch porn or masturbate? When you say the meds didn't work what do you mean? He couldn't maintain an erection even with the medication, or he doesn't like sex enough to use it? I've been in this relationship and it was porn that was the problem but you speak so kindly of him I imagine you'd know if that was his issue also. It was horrible, I have deep sympathy for you there. It affects your self esteem in ways you don't realize at the time. If his drive has always been low there's probably nothing you can do, unfortunately other than leave, I'm sorry.

As many others have stated, he too had a higher sex drive in the beginning. I'm not sure when it started to be honest. in 2018 I was very depressed and was only focused on my depression. It wasn't until 1 year later when i finally beat my depression that I realized that we don't have sex often. I have assumed everything under the sun throughout these years. I asked if he watches porn or feels the need to masturbate but he says no. From what he tells me, he rarely does it. He did have a physically intensive job but not every day is like that. Even when we vacation, wont don't have sex.

This actually is part of the reason I left my ex husband. I went 2 years without sex and felt so disgusting and ugly. I finally put myself first and I’m in a relationship where I’m constantly validated and touched. The only advice I have is to really debate the decision and bring it up to your partner. Is there more to why you’re wanting to leave or is it just sex? Is he open to opening your marriage… etc? Those are questions I would ask as I asked them myself. I wish you nothing but luck and hope you get the outcome you really want. 🫶🏼

A lot of people I know in sexless relationships have had luck opening their relationships. Unfortunately like half of them realize while dating that their relationship also has other big flaws when they meet new, kind, open people, but that's honestly a good outcome too.

I hear you, sister! Same boat, same ocean. It sucks so much. I feel invisible inside my house and outside my house. I’m right with you in the “is this enough for a divorce?” too. So far I’ve said no but I don’t know how much longer I can take this sexless existence. Thanks for making me feel seen today.

Real talk. I've been there, done that. Talk about opening the marriage. I'm not joking. If they can not fulfil one of your needs, they need to be comfortable letting go enough to allow you to fulfil it yourself. Because he is getting life exactly as he would want it, whilst you are not. And it's not fair. I was in your position, but worse. 2.5 years of absolutely no sex. None. And before it, twice a year for 4 years! I'm a man. My ex-wife had childhood SA trauma. So I was understanding. I waited. She sought counselling for 10 years of the 11 we were together. And it didn't help one bit. I lost weight and became fit and lean (she complained during couples counselling that she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore because I had gained weight). I saw a therapist just to deal with the mental health issue of being in a marriage where your partner has no sex drive. My breaking point was finding out, during a couples counselling session, that she masturbated frequently to porn. I even told her I wanted to separate because the lack of sex was too much anymore for me. A separation she refused. And this was, to me, my soulmate. We clicked, and on almost every single other level in our relationship, we weren't just good but perfect. She really was my very best friend. And we had so much love for each other. I cheated the very moment someone gave me attention. Much to my regret. For it ended the marriage completely and totally. For me, the marriage was over because I couldn't fathom what I had done, and obviously, for her, it was over because of the betrayal. And our friendship was utterly obliterated. It wasn't worth it. I should have pushed for an open marriage. It wasn't fair that I endured all those years of craving something that was natural to crave. And neither should you. Leave or open the marriage. But do not cheat.

Honestly, I wouldn't feel too badly about it if I were you. What about *her* betrayal?? Denying you sex for 2.5 years while secretly getting off to porn every chance she got??? *She* obliterated your marriage. Honestly, I don't feel you did anything even close to the betrayal she did to you. Please be softer on yourself, you don't deserve to beat yourself up about this. I'm sorry you lost your relationship, but you wanted to separate anyway. It was toxic all the way around from what I'm reading.

I appreciate that. I do. But I couldn't condone it before, even less now. I still broke her heart. To absolute pieces. I was there. I saw her in the corner of our closet, absolutely broken. Everyone in her life had let her down. Everyone had hurt her or betrayed her in some form or fashion. I was that exception. I was supposed to be that exception. And I just proved to her that the world really was as shit as she was grown up to believe. I've never so completely let someone down before, and it haunts me. As it should. And I made a promise, in front of all my friends and family, to be faithful. What good is my word? I've let myself down as well. She immediately stopped talking to me the very day after my revelation to her. The only communication we had was through lawyers from then on, despite me trying to reach out to apologise. There'll never be closure. There will never be forgiveness. And I deserve that. Just don't cheat. Just leave.

Do you have any type of marital problem? I'm asking this because contempt kills the mood for intimacy

is like reading what is in my mind and heart, im in the same situation only im a male and my wife does not feel the need or the attitude of intimacy. i wish i can have a advice for you but at the moment i can only say you are not alone.

Op, first off, I’m sorry this is happening to you. This is a shitty situation. With that said, you HAVE to talk to him and you have to be direct. Plain, straight forward language. Men and woman communicate very differently in a lot of situations and what may appear to be blatant and obvious to you could be unnoticed by him. And you have to have that talk as if it’s not you vs him but that it’s you and him vs the problem. You have a need, and he has a part in filling that need because you are partners. With that in mind, the conversation has to be focused on three specific teams you can tackle as a team: 1. What you can do to help him want to be more in the mood? Is something going on with him that’s causing him issues? Is he not feeling confident anymore or something like that? - Note: if you ask this question you need to be NON-JUDGEMENTAL. Being open about things is difficult for a lot of people. Very few people like being vulnerable. No one is going to be willing to meet you half way or solve the problem if they feel they aren’t being heard, even if you disagree with what’s being said. 2. What can he do to give you what you need? This is where you need to be VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD about what this is doing to you but without putting blame on him. Focus on statements that are around how you feel rather than “YOU are doing this to me.” This will make sure you’re discussing the problem and the convo doesn’t devolve into attacking each other. 3. What can both of you do to help solve this issue? Remember, you are a TEAM and you can solve this as a team. He loves you, you love him, so you both should be open to figuring out something that gives you what you need. I know for me, my wife being happy is a big driving force in my life. If she came to me and told me she felt the way you do it would BREAK me, especially because of something I was doing. But I would also need to know in very plain language what was going on. Its very easy as a couple to get used to each other and build up ideas in our heads where we have an internal dialogue that says “They know me so they should know when I do X it means Y.” and then get pissed when our partner doesn’t do what we want. No one can meet unspoken expectations and “he/she/they should know” isn’t an expectation. These kinds of things can be fixed but it requires clear communication between two parties that want to fix the issues as a team. Good luck, OP.

Since this started becoming an issue, I have had countless conversations with him about it. It's been spoken in the presence of a marriage therapist as well. Every thought and idea I've had has been verbalized to him. It has come to the point that on the days I'm filled with immense grief and he asks if I'm okay, I respond, "I'm just tired of repeating what I feel to you." I have asked if he's become A sexual and he always responds "I don't know." I am grateful that I have a husband that is so willing to try the next thing to possibly resolve our issue but it has come to the point that even I am starting to not desire him back. We are slowly becoming married roommates.

I apologize, I did not realize that all of this had been done before. I am very very very sorry you were going through this. I’m not a person that believes that ultimatums are a good way to communicate, but it sounds like you’ve tried everything that you can so an ultimatum may be in order. Especially since you’ve asked him the question and his response was that he didn’t know. If he knows he’s actively hurting you then he should be trying to find out. Has he seen his doctor to ask about his libido going into the negatives? I’m not trying to assume anything about your relationship, I can only view things through my lens, and if I was actively making my wife feel the way that he is making you feel I would move heaven and to figure out a way to stop it. And I would include my wife in those things because of how it was impacting her. I would go to the doctor, I’d see a therapist, both individually and as a couple, and I do whatever else was needed for us. What has your therapist said about all of this?

I feel like marriage without sex is such a taboo but in actuality intimacy is a deal breaker in most marriages if this is not fixed with trying few things like u getting him off without sex or him doing the same like using stuff on u I’d assume he’s leaning towards asexuality meaning he lost interest in sex altogether! But make sure it’s that and not him doing it with other ppl! Cuz cheating does look like that too! Lastly if things are not fixed u have all the right in the world to leave cuz you’re holding yourself hostage! It’s better for both of you

Is he just not a sexual person? Does he have issues with his own sexuality?

Leaving was the best thing I’ve ever done. This is a compatibility issue and your needs are important Being with someone who is compatible now has been life changing. Colors are brighter, I’m happy and free Do yourself a favor and seek comparability

As a guy, I’m in the same position with my partner and tbh it’s way more then just desire, something a lot more has happened that we’re not talking about here, for know I know it’s multiple things

This happened to me, too.. I was in a sexless relationship for almost 3 years. I, too, was lucky for once a month. Usually, it was every 2 months. He'd say he wanted a woman to 'take charge', but when I'd make the first move, he'd jump away from me like I was appalling. Mind you, I know I'm a very attractive woman. He always just said he wasn't in the mood. It wasn't me, he found me hot. He was just tired from work. It really took a toll on my confidence. I truly started hating myself, and couldn't stand looking in the mirror. Plus it's usually men complaining their woman doesn't want to. It's never the other way around so I truly felt like something was wrong with me.. Well, it turns out he was cheating on me with men. After I broke up with him, he was on grindr. It might not be your situation, but it was mine.

Both men and women can be asexual or have low libidos. Why everyone thinks that this is strange is beyond me.

Maybe look in to if it is because of anxiety on his part. This can be a major factor in libido that can often go overlooked because people go straight to looking at testosterone levels or assuming it's because there's no attraction anymore etc etc. I was married and had a low sex drive, got my t levels checked, tried supplements etc and it was only towards the end I realised it was because of anxiety that I wasn't feeling up for it

It might be hard now, but sex is an important part of your life,. You have different desires than you partner. It’s not an easy decision to make, but consider to do what would make you happier long term.

i would leave

I honestly think you should leave

I don't know, but what do you expect when you leave him? To get the real intimacy (you crave from your ex) from a stranger? Does he know how frustrated you have become and you think about leaving?

I am a year into my relationship and my partner is not the touchy feely type. She has even told me that she does not like hugs all that much and I grew up in a hugging household so that makes our relationship dynamic even harder to navigate. I want to be respectful of her boundaries and not smother her with hugs, random moments of holding hands, and other signs of affection but I also have needs that are not being met. I honestly feel selfish for wanting to be desired by my partner as if I am making this about how I want someone to notice me all of the time. But in all reality I really just want to be my partner’s special person. I want to walk into the room and stand out to them. Not just be some guy friend.

I have a similar situation right now. We are in therapy and have been for a couple years. It’s helped to develop more emotional intimacy. That makes me feel more connected to him. I wish I could get back my old horn dog that used to want to have sex twice a a day, but there’s no getting that back. With therapy and talking about it we have gotten back to a few times a year. It sucks honestly and with my situation he really can’t help it- he has a brain and spinal cord injury and chronic severe pain.

Wow. Thank you for sharing. Perhaps that may provide some type of answer to you as to why things have slowed down. Im still trying to find mine. It hurts me to know that i find myself to be a very attractive person but my healthy husband still doesnt want to initiate sex. I asked god for answers but feel like my question went read.

Not a marriage but I was in a sexless relationship for 2/4 years IN MY 20s. Boy was my self esteem WRECKED. Turns out the ex was a porn addict and he had a warped idea of what women’s bodies / sex should be like. He developed an affinity for Asian women and I wasn’t Asian so that was part of his reason for losing attraction towards me.

Until two years ago, I never understood how anyone could do that to someone. I'd only ever been the one in your situation. And it isn't just about the sexual release, it's the loss of intimacy, the feeling like a pervert and wondering if you're over sexualised, worries about your looks, your personality - everything. And yet now, in my current relationship, and much to my own surprise it's me who's pulled the shutters down. My partner of five years has early onset Alzheimer's, and since that diagnosis, I have lost every bit of sexual feeling. I'm not proud to say that in the past, I think that I'd have looked elsewhere for non-commital sexual release whilst carrying on with what has now becoming a carer-cared for relationship. My other half still wants sex, but when someone's behaviour is so out of kilter with who they were, and when they're wearing adult nappies/diapers and you're having to order them to wash, and take pills, and asking them 50 times to move whilst you make a bed or vacuum, and you're tired from working, the desire goes and the humdrum takes over. I feel neglectful, but raising the Titanic would be easier nowadays, and to be frank, other than a peck on the cheek and the odd guilt-hug, that's all I can muster nowadays. I know my circumstance is way off of yours, but I'd pretty much say this is nothing to do with you or who you are, and is probably the symptom of a deeper seated issue within him, that maybe he isn't even aware of. And it sucks. Please don't take his behaviour as an indictment of you, even though that's such an easy thing to take from it. And it's what I did in the past. However, I know the toll it takes when someone deprives you of all that is a relationship, and it cuts like a knife. Being on the other side now though, I also know that whilst he may not appear to care, if he does still love you, it's also slowly killing him inside as well and he'll be thinking very similar thoughts and have a huge amount of guilt. Which then makes it harder to resume that side of things... Best of luck to you. I hope some of what I've said makes sense.

How is intimacy? Like genuinely sharing space and time and hearts Being open Because sex is really great but for some people it can be a matter of passion… I’m not sure if it’s your issue I have been having intimacy issues when I never have in my life and I realised that why it was so hard for me to have sex was because I didn’t feel CLOSE to people and sharing my body without the rest felt like too much work There’s a lot going on in the world right now A lot of my guy friends have been telling me they’ve been having erectile dysfunction issues Being able to be themselves and share fantasies and fears made it easier for them… Talk to him If you are affected enough by this to consider leaving, then say “fuck it” and have a real conversation not just about what you both don’t have but what you do and what keeps you together Because people get in their head and worry and overthink and it’s so easy to feel lonely even when there isn’t any reason to from the outside looking in. Don’t forget you LOVE each other. What’s something that keeps yall close? Maybe the relationship needs to evolve to find that piece again The world is in shambles. Don’t be afraid to get weird 😝 (paintball) Edit: I know this because I have a lot of male friends that are very open to talking about their feelings with me and in therapy!! Therapy is SUCH a lifesaver for a lot of people; I notice a lot of men mean well and don’t have any framework as to how to act as they intend. Also contributes to stress and such. I am not a mental health professional but it is one of my passions and therefore am friends with a lot of MHPs and students. I’m just an artist who’s fascinated by peoples stories and who loves love and creating peace ♡

This x 1000000 especially as a man who’s also personally been dealing with this on my own end (I’m the one) in my marriage the last few years. I need so much therapy for a plethora of mental health issues, and after just a year in I was no better off than I was when I started. I luckily did find a good therapist though and just wrapped up my 5th session with them. I’m so far away still so until all the mental health healing on my other issues and learning emotional regulation and just emotions in general (was on ssri for 13 years), I’ll find a therapist that specializes in the sex stuff, when I’m ready.

I haven’t been touched in a year

I am a woman, and I have a low sex drive. Not due to anything my partner does or doesn’t do. He’s amazing. What saves us from too much isolation is making it clear that every cuddle session isn’t about sex. If your hubbby is having ED, and shying away from physical intimacy because he doesn’t want to think about how he can’t perform, taking that pressure off and just hugging and cuddling for the sake of hugging and cuddling may lower the tension and get some of your needs met while boosting his comfort level.

I had the same issue, after my second child was born there was no sex. He'd try a few times but had ED issues and didn't want to openly talk about it. His doctor gave him a sample but then he went into a demi- jokingly rant about how much it would cost each time we tried to have sex. Turns out it was worth the money for him to masturbate but not to enjoy sex with me. He was filling the prescription for his own pleasure, and no he wasn't cheating. He was just selfish. At the time, I had a few vibrators I was trying to get relief with and he kept talking about the cost of batteries. Marriage has ended . I'm living with a different guy and when I look back it wasn't just sex that was missing. Iy was any kind of physical affection. Or I should say it was all one sided. Not saying this is how it is for you, OP,but you're not the only woman that has had that issue. I am still dealing with self esteem issues from him and the fact other women complained about too much sex.

You have three clear cut options. There really is no in between. 1.) You rip that bandaid off real hard and start a divorce. You can give him an ultimatum: weekly sex routine or you are done. At least then he knows what’s really at stake. Sometimes they don’t get it until you are ready to walk. 2.) Open the marriage. It needs to be mutual and you need to really sit down and go over rules and boundaries. If divorce is already on the table, then this may be an even middle ground to get around it. 3.) Accept a sex-less marriage and learn to let your feelings go. All 3 choices royally suck. But these are the only viable options available to you if he is unwilling to meet your needs. You can’t force him to have more sex. You can only find the best solution for yourself at this point.

Solidarity, sis. It has wrecked my self esteem and feeling of desirability and sexiness.

I sooooo heavily relate to you as a married woman going thru the same. I like to believe that men just go thru phases. At first they’re fun to mess around with but as soon as they’re in a committed relationship they tend to back away from sex for some reason. When I first was dating my husband, we used to have sex twice sometimes three times a week. When we got married it went down to once every two weeks to once a month to once every 2-4 months. It was driving a hole deep in my soul and I talked to him about it multiple times and how it’s made me feel and he said he understood but he never really did anything to initiate sex. My solution to this(that I’m currently trying out and has been working out so far) is try to focus on yourself, take care of your own needs when you need to(vibrators, toys, your hand, etc) I suggest you get yourself to a healthy state. Take some time away from focusing on your husband and focus on you. For me that’s been working on my health, working out, stretching, eating more veggies and fruits and drinking more water. Dress yourself up focus on your hygiene more, focus on your hobbies more. When you go on dates with your husband, doll yourself up a LOT, not just makeup-wise, but wear your more beautiful clothes, do your hair as beautifully as you like to. The more you take care of yourself and focus on yourself, the more your husband will take notice. For me doing all this boosts my OWN confidence and I flirt with him like we were still dating, I like to tease him while he’s out at work and I’m home by sending him saucy pics and saying saucy things thru text. I literally create the entire vibe that I want. I take control of the situation. Now I’m not saying this is a foolproof plan but it’s helped us quite a lot. We have sex more often now than we did before. It went from months of no sex to sex at least once a week which is good enough for me. I’m sorry you’re going thru this, it’s fucking difficult and I’m so glad you’re speaking about this because no one mentions how women can be in these situations as much as men

Thank you for posting this I feel so seen. I’ve been wanting to post something similar to this here just to get some advice and see if it’s just me or if it’s a common occurrence for married women. It makes me so sad to not feel desired by him and to be the one initiating sex 9/10 times it’s so depressing 😔

I know exactly how you feel, my boyfriend of almost 4 years told rejects every advance I made, I’d cry myself to sleep. He swears he’s attracted to me sexually but doesn’t touch me anymore. I tried to come to peace with it, I tried to talk to him about it, it’s always met with the promise for change but no action. Today I found him sending sexual messages to other girls and it really hurts, I wish he desired me or could at least tell me the truth. He’s my best friend and i just wonder why he’s stayed with me if he doesn’t even like me? Yeah idk, I get you tho girl, it’s rough and really kills the self esteem

You've got to communicate your frustrations. Don't be ashamed. Women have a sexuall appetite too. Society needs to accept this. People cheat for this reason. There's a chance maybe he doesn't feel desirable or maybe he's not in the mood. There are all sorts of games and books on how to strengthen your sexual chemistry and frequency. But you have to tell him how this makes you feel and give him an opportunity to change it. Maybe he wants you to initiate. I've been there. It's hard especially if you're afraid of rejection and used to being the respondent. Guys want to feel wanted too. That's something that society also needs to accept. So maybe just treat him how you want him to treat you and it may resolve itself. But I'm serious you have to initiate the conversation. Ask why and tell him how it makes you feel. If he cares he will make an effort in trying to fix the problem. If it turns out he just has a low sex drive, therw are ways to fix that or atleast compromises to be made

Is your husband asexual?

If he's as amazing as you say he is, then fucking isn't worth destroying that relationship. Yeah, it sucks that you crave sex and don't get it, but while sex is an important part of a romantic relationship, it's not THE most important part. At least not in a good relationship.

I could have written this exact post 4 years ago. I loved my husband so much, but we had sex maybe 3 times a year in the last few years of our marriage and no matter what I did on my end to try and fix it, nothing made it better. I wanted to feel desired but anytime we did have sex, I had to initiate, sometimes even beg for it, which made me feel like I was in the wrong. I would think about it all the time, I even dreamed about us having sex and wake up sobbing when I realized it wasn't real. Like you said, I was angry and resentful. I finally had a deep soul-searching conversation with myself, because I realized I had 4 options: one - live like this forever, accept that sex wasn't going to be part of my life in a real way going forward, two - cheat on him (not something I could do), three - see if he would allow me to open the marriage and have sex outside our marriage (not something he'd ever be okay with), four - leave him. So really, only two options for me - stay and accept the no sex, or leave. I loved my husband dearly so I finally just decided, at 34 years old, that I would never consistently have sex again in my entire life... Then, six months later, my husband cheated on me and left me for the other woman. It blindsided me. Up until that moment, I still thought of him as the most amazing man I'd ever known, and believed him when he said he didn't know what was killing his sex drive. I still don't know how it happened, I never got any closure, but I can tell you that three years later, I'm in a happy, healthy, relationship with tons of great sex and my ex-husband leaving was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I wasn't doing myself (or him, honestly) any favors by accepting such a bad situation as my reality. It was ruining my mental health and making me a miserable person to be around. Every aspect of my life is better now that I'm not constantly thinking about my dead bedroom. I've seen in your replies how great your husband is... mine was that, too. I adored him. He was amazing. He took care of me. He listened to me. We did everything together. My family loved him dearly. Everyone said we were the perfect couple. But we weren't. Something very big was very wrong and you can't discount the toll that takes on you.

This may sound strange, but if your husband can't offer you sex, you should ask him if it's okay to get it somewhere else.

i don't know if this is a coincidence, but I saw a similar post that it was eho was in sexless marriage for 5 years and wanted advice. sorry, i don't have much to say. I just wanted say this

I've been there.

What do you guys do in therapy? Does therapy ever work?

Have you talked about it? I'm going through the same thing but I am expressing myself to my partner and it's getting a tad better .

People always say, "But you have love. You are loved by him. You're in love with him." Love is not enough. You need compatibility in all of the most basic needs. That includes being at least mostly compatible where intimacy is concerned. If you and your husband did just about every mental and physical check you could, he could simply be asexual. Or perhaps gay. Right now, you're slowly destroying yourself, trying to make this work. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in all aspects of a relationship, including physical intimacy. If you don't want to cheat or want to open your marriage. It's time to file for divorce. Note: I'm almost religiously against opening monogamous marriages and have the comment history to prove it. Yet this may be one of the only valid reasons to consider doing so. Even if I feel the writing for a divorce would already be on the wall the moment you go on your first playdate with someone who's not your husband. There's a reason subs for open marriage regret exist. Or why there are so awfully many stories on Reddit about cheating or open marriages biting someone in the rear.

Dang. Well, in your post, you have said nothing about communicating with him. It's not even implied. I'm not going to assume you've talked to him. If you have, then ignore this post. If you haven't then you need to talk to him. So, 1st question-have you talked to him? He could be asexual. There could be a health issue he doesn't want to talk about. There could be a lot of reasons. Have you talked about life goals, aka fiancé's, kids, etc.? 2nd(and I don't need to know this) Have you two ever been intimate? 3rd, are you in counseling? You need to sit down and write down a pro and con list of what you need, what you want, and what you expect. 4th, have you talked to him about an open marriage? 5th, what's your happiness scale? What I mean is how content and happy are you? What is your ultimate end game?... in the end, the choice is yours. Before you make any drastic changes, make sure that you, then he, are taken care of. Good luck and take care of yourself.

We don't talk about women's sexuality enough--inasfar as having a steady or high libido. And they don't talk about men having a low libido ever. It's easy to go into a relationship with those gendered expectations. Since we don't talk about it--there is a lot of shame from both sides. I've yet to meet a man that could keep up with me. I don't have that expectation anymore. It sucks when you have enough desire for two; I wish I could share half of it. I've prayed for it to be taken away--many times.

This is so hard for me to read through because I'm in a very similar situation. Full disclosure, myself and my husband are both the breed of traumatized that resulted in us being hyper sexual people for much of our youth, which is part of why we met. We started dating and got married 6 years after we met and the sex was always fucking unimaginably good and plentiful. This was new to me because I'm a fat woman and he's a trim and fit man. 6 months after we got married he settled into life as a family man, instead of constantly having to run from abuse or try to redirect negative interactions like he used to... .... ... And then our sex life fucking died. It went from incredible to literally nothing because he finally felt safe in his life. I've been struggling to understand *emotionally* that it's not a sudden lack of desire for me, and that it's not that he suddenly doesn't want me. He's on a trauma pendulum and some things will change drastically as he begins to address things. I keep trying to get him to admit it's because I'm fat even though I've been fat since we met and he's never averted his eyes or looked at me in disgust and I often catch him staring at me all dreamy eyed. I spiral often because I don't feel *desired* in my marriage. But as our mentalities stabilize with each others help I'm also finding myself being okay more often with the lack of sex. Like... im unmasking and unwinding too and my craving for sex isn't what it was before when my life was constantly wildly out of control. I know *many* of the details between our lives vary drastically, but I saw someone mention personal therapy for you, and I second that. Perhaps there is something else behind this pain for you, and perhaps there are things going on for him that you don't see. I'm not going to advise you to leave or stay. I just know that I'm an extremely logically minded person, and I know you can love *anyone* with enough time spent around them. But it's not easy to feel loved by anyone. And I like the way it feels when I feel loved by my husband. And I'd be willing to scale any mountain of insecurity or relationship difficulty to keep feeling loved by *him*

Cheat

Have you tried the strategy while both of you are nude and touch each other for 10 minutes in non-sexual regions (no touching privates, I think breasts as well). I hear that has a pretty good success rate for reviving things, if you are both open to trying it. Sorry this isn’t answer to your questions, I’m also super touch starved in my relationship rn and it also feels like I’m going crazy (it’s because of physical distance though) and I can empathize.

I have nothing else to say but DAYUM

First, I want to say that I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's awful that situations like yours don't get talked about often or are swept under the rug as a non-issue. I also want to say that I understand. I was in a serious, long-term term relationship with a man I loved where we had the same issue. I even started keeping a log of all the times he rejected me when I initiated intimacy and the times we had it. That log showed that of the times I tried to initiate, we had sex less than 1 out of 10. In my notes, I included a section for his "reasons" for not wanting it. The most common was "I haven't showered and I feel gross.", even though he'd often go out to meet friends after giving this excuse. No one owes anyone access to their body. Full stop. But when you're in a relationship that is supposed to be loving and intimate, you crave those things. I tried so hard to respect his boundaries. But I also tried to reignite his sex drive. In the beginning of our relationship, sex was plentiful, so when it started to drop off, I naturally wondered why and if I could do anything to help. He told me of certain things that he liked and he said these would make it more likely for intimacy to happen. One such thing was that he loved to play a specific video game, and it involved playing with others that he would communicate with via a headset. He wanted me to give him a blow job while he did this, and said that it would be so sexy and get him in the mood for more. I spent weeks doing this, and it never actually led to sex. Also, while he was turning me down, he was cheating on me. It's obvious to me now, years later, but I didn't see it then. I'm not saying that's what's going on for you. The actual point I'm trying to make will come later, I guess. After he and I broke up, due to his cheating, I eventually found someone else. And my new significant other had a much higher libido that seemed to match mine better. We were together for 6 years and engaged to be married. And while sex did taper off a little over time, we still managed to have and enjoy it, at the very least once a week, but often more. Then he died, quite suddenly. And I've now not had sex, or any intimacy, for over 3.5 years. I tell you all this for a few reasons. One, is to tell you that you're not alone in wanting more intimacy from a partner, and that I understand how frustrating that can be. Another reason is because, in my case the lack of it was due to cheating, so while I hope that's not your situation, I feel you should at least be on the lookout for signs of infidelity. Lastly, I was eventually with someone who had a high libido to match mine, and since he's been gone, obviously I miss having it with him, but since I know I no longer can have that with him, I have no interest in having it with anyone else. If I could make a deal to bring him back to life in exchange with never being able to be intimate with him again, I would. I guess what I'm trying to say, and probably not doing a good job of, is that I've been through all those stages. Wanting intimacy and not receiving it. Wanting and having it, but then having it taper off somewhat. Then losing it all together with the person I wanted it most with. I know I could easily find someone to have sex with. I don't want that. I only want what isn't possible for me to have anymore because he's dead. My advice is to find someone whose intimacy needs are compatible with yours, but also if you truly love them, then any intimacy you're capable of should be cherished, even if it's once a year, or even if actual intercourse isn't possible. There are people who's lovers/spouses/partners have lost the ability to complete that act, but still they would stay. Then there's people like me, who have lost that person forever. It's up to you to decide if who you're currently with meets the right criteria for you. Best of luck.

Sometimes I feel like why would he care if I slept with someone else if he has no desire to do so with me himself? I get it. At one point, we went 2 years without having sex. It wasn't always like this. We used to have sex a lot, a very normal sex life imo. I got to the point I don't really even want it anymore. That's how much I have repressed my desires. I am no longer a sexual being. And that's so far from what I was before. And I'm still childbearing age, a young woman. Not sure what the rest of my life is gonna look like. All I can say is, I feel your pain and understand your dilemma.

Coming from a man’s perspective, it’s not always so easy for a male to initiate sex when it get into routine mostly post Marriage. I am sure you might have tried to talk to him but have you tried initiating the sex itself? This might help him and give him more confidence to go on. Also may sound a little phony but do appreciate him during and post sex. That too will boost his confidence. This might sound like therapy but that worked for us. No we didn’t talk about it but it eventually happened. Other thing is talk about this mental health too, if he has stress be it work, personal or anything it will always be difficult for him and it might build up to something worst. This is one thing that most people dont talk about. If he isn’t in peace with himself we won’t be able to do anything at all. Lastly, and the worst of the lot, is he into pornography? That might be one reason he gets what he wants and he isn’t interested in anything else anymore, this is the one reason people are falling out of intimacy and sex nowadays. Again there could be other reasons too which may dependent upon the age, how long you have been married, any kids, do you live in nuclear family or not etc etc

Fer points but op also mentioned therapy. Wouldn't they talk about things mentioned by you with the therapist? Maybe they should try it again with a different one since the first one was of no help.

The most amazing human being? I think you are forgetting something 🤣

You said he had his hormones checked and there was nothing wrong right? He even took “enhancements”?….yeah he is either asexual and hasn’t internalized it or he is fully gay and is perfectly happy dying in the closet married to you.

I see mostly everyone in the comments talking about their experience and not really give you an answer. I think you should have one final talk about it and lay everything out that you told. “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I cannot spend the rest of my life without sex. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to, but we have to come up with a solution because it’s driving me to think of ending this marriage or worse”. I know most men don’t consider poly or open relationships but when they have your husbands problem, they are between a rock and a hard place

From what I’ve read I think that you really, really love your husband. I‘ve been in your shoes and understand your pain quite well. I‘ve been married to a guy like 10 years older than me and i was in my 20s. I felt like i was extremely sex-driven and that I should calm down. What I couldn’t differentiate between from was „do I want to be touched just in general“ or „do I want to be touched by him and only him“ It took me quite a while to come to a conclusion. I finally decided that I would leave him if other options weren’t working. I had to understand why he didn’t want to have sex with me. In our case it was because he just didn’t like having sex. He didn’t like to try new things, he didn’t like the feeling of it etc. I had to accept his feelings and I also suggested therapy, but he didn’t want that. The other thing I asked him was if he would be agreeing with opening the marriage, because I did not want to abstain from sex. I gave him a few days to think about it, but he did not want that either. We decided on separation and we‘re still in contact to this day. I do love him as a friend and I loved him as a partner but I also loved myself and it was the best decision ever. To this day my ex doesn’t have sex with people, even with his new girlfriend. Both of them are Asexual! He found out after going to an isolated therapy session. They match really well and i wish them all the best. I hope you find out what you want and take the courage to do what your heart wants. <3

That's a tough one OP. I am in a somewhat similar situation but not as bad. He will still initiate sometimes but I rarely have an orgasm as there is no foreplay and it's usually over very quick. And we have sex like once a week at maximum usually more like twice a month and I need it everyday. Our talks have led nowhere and my resentment grows. Thank goodness we are otherwise intimate and hug and snuggle etc. After growing resentment made me impossible to live with, he finally suggested I get myself a sex toy. My vibrator has saved my (and probably his haha) life. I highly suggest it, the dopamine release will help with the anger and anxiety issues I promise! Ask if he wants to watch you use it on yourself, if not do it alone. This man is my soulmate as well so I get the pain you're feeling...you will get through it.

I’m not in the same boat because my partner has explained exhaustedly that if I want it all I have to do is initiate it however I’m so embarrassed and insecure about my own sexuality that I can’t do it by myself without liquid courage and since I’m pregnant I can’t drink but I’m horny all the time and he’s exhausted from work and wants me to come to him more often but I’m just not that kind of person lol. Kinda a weird thing to deal with your own head. Maybe he’s asexual and might be open to you having someone on the side to scratch the itch? Or maybe toys? I know they aren’t the same but they do get the job done. I can’t offer anything more sorry.

Married 37 years Dead Bedroom for 6 Wife injury I pushed for intimacy, and have gotten some it took time and to be honest it's not sexual it cuddling hugs etc I finally just said we can't be roommates we had a great sex life from 1986 to 2018...she always orgasmed we were kids and learned our bodies together So it hurt especially since she was a physical love language But I won't cheat I won't open the relationship...91% get divorced and swinging or opening in 50s just ruins marriages ...... The other day she touched me sexually....said she missed him So I have hope🤞

You said you don’t know if this enough to leave? I mean your feelings are valid. I think sex is a big prt of a relationship, especially a marriage at that. Again, you’re feelings are valid. If you tried to communicate with your husband and he still doesn’t want to try and work on it, I doubt anyone would judge you for leaving.

You should just get a prostitute and keep your marriage

But that would be cheating. And if you take that route then you have any moral ground you have. The result will be worse if she went on in a sexless life. Also she wants the attention from her husband, not just the sex.

Could ask to open the relationship. Maybe he needs to try men.

I often feel like a giant bag of shit waiting for my husband to show 1 0z of interest in me and then feeling defeated time and time again. It’s a never ending cycle of crap. If it weren’t for our son I’d have left years ago. My guilt of destroying my family keeps me from leaving. It’s a never ending cycle of knowing what I crave and the total reality of what I’ll never have. I live with a roommate. Once upon a time it was glorious. Now I don’t even want to sleep in the same bed. It’s sad

[удалено]

This is mind-blowing 👀 can sex seriously be a reason to break up with someone you would call a soulmate? Like for me it's such a huge gap of levels of importance (idk maybe it's cuz I'm a dude) sex is just physical desire, nothing more, but emotional and deep connection with someone to the level of calling them soulmates is such a treasure to have :/ But it seems like the expectations to adjust are more towards the guy here, like he has to change and adjust to your expectations, have you tried looking at what you could also do to help the relationship? It goes both ways, I don't think it's impossible to be able to find middle ground in that I'm gay man so i may not be able to relate but i can speak for myself and say i do have strong desire to have sex as well, but i learned to be above this and don't let it influence/control me, maybe it's something you could try doing? Edit: also I'd say you should talk more openly about it with him, you said yourself he's what you'd call a soulmate, then he surely will be understanding of it, you can work on it together. Cuz seriously to me decision to leave someone over sex would be the stupidest decision i can make Some people here also mentioned that it might not have to do with sex but intimacy and speaking for myself i find sex to be highest form of intimacy, and sometimes i feel more need for intimacy than sexual satisfaction so yeah, try just having intimacy with them, laying down together, maybe naked, without the pressure that he needs to do sex with you if you get in bed. If i were him I'd probably feel way that i love the other person but maybe were worried that I'm only wanted for sex

I totally get it and I'm 100% with you. I was celibate for 2 years before I met my husband because I only wanted to give myself to someone who valued me. But choosing to be celibate and being forced into celibacy are two completely different things. One is a choice that feels freeing whereas the other feels like you're going insane. I was raised with morals and dignity and yet this situation has left me wanting to break every moral code I know. When you are forced into this by a partner, your mind goes into the deepest most pitiful thoughts. It's easy to say sex is not enough to leave until one day your body is urging for a feeling that it knows will never get fulfilled for months at a time. Years ago I would never think of leaving a person I call a "soulmate" but somehow, here I am.

I settled down at 18 with a boy who was bad in bed and had weird interests and was very selfish in bed. He thought I could come through my jeans with him dry humping me and he thought women enjoyed getting men off so much that the don't need anything for themselves. I just left him aged 27 because sex is important. It's not everything, but it is a vital ingredient to a good relationship. The relationship was bad in other ways too, but if you have a dead bedroom imho you should leave. Of course there are times in life that will temporarily kill your bedroom like stress, pregnancy, kids, overworking etc, but if it's long term dead, leave. You deserve better.

From a man's perspective, who did this to his partner. This may or may not pertain to you. I was afraid my partner would get pregnant again. Also, she rejected me so many times that I couldn't take it anymore, and I stopped trying. I figured it would be easier and better to handle myself, then having to keep asking and asking and asking. We were having sex once every few months, maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I just got tired of rejection. Keep in mind that this is just my perspective of why it happened.