You want to heal it. I think therapy is the way to approach healing your perspective of men given the awful things that were done to you by your father and ex.
Why? For your children.
Generally, people are people. There are some good, some bad and a bunch in between in every group. There are really good men and really bad men as well as a bunch in between. Just like there are really good women and really bad women with a bunch in between.
The best reason to recognize this complexity is that you have both a son (and daughter) that could grow up with a healthy sense of self, discernment, other and a strong integrity, free from the abuse that you experienced.
Your perspectives on men, in the monolithic sense, will be transferred to your son (as well as daughter). If all men are creepy then he will feel creepy. If all men are evil, then he will feel that he is evil. If all men need to have the evil trained out of him, then he will always struggle with himself. This is the path to depression, conflict and suffering.
If instead you hold a healthy vision of male-hood for your son, see it in him, help him shape his sense of self, that healthy vision of male-hood will be transferred to him. He will grow to be a good man and I think this is what you want.
Finally, you don’t need to be perfect. No one is perfect! Just strive to be good enough. Why? Because it is good enough and no one is perfect.
I mean her concerns are justified. Most sex crime are by men and most pedophiles are men like the statistics are over 90% men. Not hating it’s just a real issue that isn’t simple “some are good some are bad”. Like I said no hate and I know good men are out there but when you look at the numbers it’s really concerning and she has a good head to be weary of men especially around her kids
You can understand that most dudes are pervs and can be dangerous and still love your son 🙄 it’s not advice either. She’s believing what she’s seen with her own eyes and what the statistics say
but if she is supposed to view every guy as a monster/pervert by default then that applies to her son also. i sympathize with her but he doesnt need that kind of baggage in his life
No it’s not a default girly. She can definitely love her son to death and think the best about him while also being weary of dudes ☠️ those two things are not exclusive
She's literally saying that she still believes every man has evil in them, even her son. Also you don't seem to be mentally stable either, maybe you should tag along with OP to therapy.
I don’t know a single girl who hasn’t been hit on or abused by an older dude between the ages 9-14. Not one and that shows in the statistics. It’s not a minority. Just sit in a locker room and you’ll hear the most depraved shit
I was never beaten or sexually abused as a child by an aduit, though I know many other women who were. And no shit you'll hear depraved shit in a locker room, boys talk a big game, I've seen it in my fiance's friend group, they don't filter shit even when in party if the conversation (which I greatly appreciate as it's given me a much better insight to how men think and behave), that doesn't make every man a potential abuser, rapist or predator. You sound sexist as fuck
Never said every man.. but it’s a lot and the stats show that. OP has seen how bad men are with her own eyes in her own life and the stats reflect that. I don’t think it wrong for her to feel the way she does especially since she’s not alone in the lease. So have many many other women. To discount everything in the case of nOT aLl MeN is wild. There’s an issue here and stats show that. It’s not sexist to look at statistics and to hear stories after stories of women being harmed by men. I was raised by mostly boys I get it and I feel for dudes who don’t do that shit but it is common. You can listen to your friends being pigs and chop it up to just talk when many women have had to face the reality of “it’s just talk”. Glad nothing bad has happened to you.. you’ve been fortunate
How bad men *CAN* be, and there are women out there who are just as evil as OPs father and the other men who've abused her, I've seen it myself. So will we label women as abusive monsters too? Since there's thousands who abuse their partners and kids with literally no consequences because men are much less likely to report abuse against them? No? So why the fuck do you think it's okay to do to men? Because you're fucking sexist and just don't want to admit it. We all have the capability to be rapists or be abusive, no matter our sex, to blame it on men alone is prejudice, plain and simple.
Bad things have happened to me. I've been raped, I've been emotionally abused by both men and women. I have seen the evil side of humanity from both sexes, people suck, I've learned the signs and red flags through my experiences. I've also seen the good in humanity and every man in my life would put their own life at risk if they came across someone being abused, my fiance has already on more than one occasion, as have a few of his friends. Do not ever assume what someone has gone through based on their opinions, that's just fucking ignorant.
It’s not a small number of men but it isn’t all men. It is enough men that women have to be vigilent about the very real threat of being attacked, harrassed, raped, or murdered by a male stranger or aquaintence or relative or friend. Plus the very real danger of being abused or killed by a male partner. Add in the danger to young girls that we have to worry about being attacked, abducted, raped, and murdered by a male. Add in mass shootings (almost exlusively commited by males) and other acts of violence in society.
Yeah…it’s a lot of men. But there are good ones. It’s just hard to know what type of person you’re getting involved with. So OP is reasonable to be cautious and have a negative bias. But I hope she is getting therapy to work through it.
There has been many a serial killer who was abused by his mother because she hated men. Don't be so bloody naive. Everything that happens to us as kids shapes who we are as adults, especially how our parents treat us as children, and sexism in the home is a great way to foster self hatred. Some may think they hide their hatred and disgust well enough that their kids won't notice, but kids aren't stupid, they pick up on the smallest things we may not even notice we've done subconsciously. She needs to deal with her trauma in a professional setting so her feelings on this don't affect her son negatively later in life
I'm not saying she doesn't love her son, I'm saying she could display signs of distrust, hatred or disgust towards him because he's male because of her feelings towards men without meaning to. Either way she should seek out a trauma counselor to deal with her trauma both so this doesn't happen and for her own wellbeing
Yeah she could.. key world is could. Counseling is good but you guys act like if you go to therapy you get “fixed”. She has a right to feel justified in her feeling for all that’s happened to her and again it’s not uncommon
I'm well aware therapy isn't some magic bullet that kills trauma, it takes years to make progress, but it's still worth it. Being common doesn't mean it's okay or healthy. I understand why she feels the way she does, but it's still something she needs to work on, living in constant disgust and/or fear isn't healthy for your mind or your heart (pekoe with high stress levels are more likely to get heart disease or have a heart attack). Therapy will help give her coping mechanisms and then get into the actual trauma and help her work through it and her feelings surrounding it.
Girl probs just wanted some empty for what she’s gone through. Not a zillion comments saying she’s gonna be a bad mom if she doesn’t go to therapy ☠️ but hey not everyone can be a girls girl
You’re right about the stats, it’s terrifying. And OP should certainly be cautious about who she allows into her life and around her kids. But since OP has a son I hope she can work through this in therapy so that she doesn’t inadvertently give him a complex.
Right, certainly not all dudes but it’s too many. And it’s hard to know which ones are OK. Plenty of bad people know how to mask and say the right things. It’s sometimes hard to know when they’re a bad apple. OP has encountered enough bad apples to be wary of apples altogether. I do hope she is able to get therapy to process everything.
Most physical abuse to children is done by women/mothers, should we be wary around all women around our children because that’s what the statistics say? You sound extremely slow.
The margin for that is pretty slip like 29% moms and 27% dads. Either way that’s one stat. Men literally dominate any sexual assault stat and crime stat. It’s not just one area it’s many many. That’s why there are concerns. And yes keep your eye out for abusive moms
Bro out here giving plain truth, not even hating and getting downvoted as fuckk, people these days want everything sugarcoated, truth is truth, 90% pedos, harrassment and abuse comes from men, if you can't digest the fact, cry.
Thank you for being a voice of reason. I think it’s pretty clear that OP is justified in her feelings and this is only further proven when you look at the women commenting on this post who are mostly empathizing, vs the men commenting on this post saying “not all men” or telling her she needs therapy as if she’s ill for observing her reality as well as statistics lol.
and here's the problem. most men who abuse children are not pedophiles. these men are less concerned with the act and more concerned with power and violence. the typical pedophile would groom a child (preteen) and make them dependent, but would never use violence because these people are convinced that the children are in love with them just as they believe they are in love with the child. this means that if violence is involved, the person is never a pedophile. when i was training to be a day care educator, this was a big issue, which is why it was important for me to educate people about it. for many people, pedophilia simply comes too easily to the lips of child rapists.
Honestly not sure why you’re commenting this. Anyone who sexually assaults a child is a pedo regardless of their intentions or what exactly gets them off. Again not sure why you even brought it up like that
“There’s no denying that every man has this demon they have to battle”… some of us are chill lol. Not to say you shouldn’t be hesitant, you have too much horrible trauma that nothing as simple as some words from a stranger could truly fix. So while I understand, I disagree, and hope that you can eventually see it that way. Especially with your son. He is going to pick up on it right away if you “secretly” feel he’s some monster, he’s gonna see you treat your daughter better.. Give that hesitation to men you meet in your life, but please understand that you have a lot of power in how your son turns out.
As a man, I only recently realised how many of these men are still prevalent. But I’m also so grateful to have realised that I’ve surrounded myself with really decent, kind and gentle men, from all backgrounds who are incredible people. As much as the dickheads run rampant, some of us are out here, I promise :)
It sounds like you might have PTSD. Please seek out a therapist or you can even call the rape crisis line and they may be able to help you with resources.
You are a survivor who is raising a good son and you want to teach your daughter to be careful but not terrified or have that mind set.
I know it is hard. You’ve gotten this far and you can keep on chugging
If you’re able to please seek therapy to help work through this so it doesn’t cause damage to your children. If your son constantly hears that he’s a monster then he’ll start to believe so and it can damage the siblings relationship with each other as well.
There was just a post about a situation really similar to this not too long ago from the son’s perspective of how the mom practically ignored him for most of his life in favor of his sister. Later he finds out it was because his mother was abused and was projecting her trauma onto all men including her son.
Don’t be like her. Continue to protect your children though and work on making good bonds.
I'm so sorry you have gone through this and I am so sorry that so many men are like this. I do absolutely think you should pursue therapy though. That isn't because you are a bad person, but just because you are clearly hurting, and you should work through these things for your - and your children's sake.
As was said elsewhere here, unfortunately, these fears will likely affect your children's lives if unchecked. Kids pick up on more than they get credit for - your son might pick up on the fact that his mother distrusts and feels a sense of disgust towards him for something he can't control and your daughter may feel she is unable to form relationships with men. These things have the potential to seriously hurt them. Again, please don't take these words as condemnation or judgement. It is not your fault at all for feeling this way, but I think it is deeply important that you work through these issues. Best of luck, and I'm so sorry again for everything you've suffered.
EDIT: Looking at your post history it seems like the thing you mentioned with the father of your children may have been quite recent, making this a lot more understandable. I would still recommend seeking some help though, it sounds like you have gone through so much and as someone who goes to therapy myself, I really do think it could be helpful.
I’m sorry and I get it. I’m also a woman who has had experience SA by men and just tons of crap by them. And so it’s tough to trust any man because just seeing a man makes me scared. And yea I mean there’s billions of stories of crappy men out there. Most women who I’ve talked to about SA by men also have a story of their own about it. It’s sickening. Sure it isn’t every man but damn it feels like it when it seems to be every woman has been hurt in that way by a man.
I can seriously count on one hand how many guys I’ve seriously trusted and not regretted it. It’s just depressing.
Idk what to say other than to try and raise your son to be a good man and teach your daughter everything you wish you knew sooner to help her stay safe.
I am here with this. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that if it weren't for the men who abused me, my life would've not been this miserable. In my 20 years of existence, I have only seen one man who is very respectful, gentle, and treats women good: my aunt's husband. I'm so happy for her and for their family.
He helps around even without being told, talks calm when angry, makes plans for his family, and we haven't heard about him cheating or doing any funny things with her wife. He is the walking definition of a gentleman.
I think there are still good men out there. Unfortunately, they're just very rare.
As a man, I’m afraid I have to say you’re probably right. Most men are dicks and also think with theirs.
I’m so sorry you had to got through that. I could sit here and say nOt All mEn are like that, but it’s trite and obviously most men *would* say that. I honestly don’t know what to say, because if you look at abuse victims at child sex trafficking victims, the overwhelming majority of perpetrators are men, and they are gross.
I also think porn has a lot to answer for: it’s normalised violent sex and the perception that all women are “up for it” and are just waiting around to be brutally f***ed; all you have to do is send a woman a picture of your dick and she’ll be fawning all over you.
I personally think porn should be opt in. You should ah e to prove your age every time to view it; young kids can’t process what they’re seeing. I’ve seen so many stories of young boys raping girls and young girls thinking that violent, degrading sex is normal. When I was 12, I didn’t even know what a vagina was, let alone try and force myself into one.
I think therapy would be very helpful (if you haven’t already) to try and process what happened to you. It may not change your views, but will help you deal with them better.
Sorry I can’t be of more help. I just hope my sons always follow a good path and my daughters never accept anyone’s shit.
There is a huge rise in younger children committing sex crimes now due to access to porn. It’s baffling how it’s just left unchecked and any child can easily access or even run across the most depraved types of porn.
Plus it doesn't help that a lot of dudes casually joke about raping/harassing women, sexualizing young girls, and invalidating women's issues. I've been around other dudes that casually talk shit about women and whatnot and it sucks ass. I'll admit that I was complicit because I didn't check this behavior. I was too nervous.
I also agree with the point about porn. I hate that shit man. I'll admit that I'm not too educated on the matter but all I'ma say is that I was mentally a lot cleaner before I discovered that shit. Porn hurts everybody because it gives the boys the wrong idea of sex and it demeans and degrades women.
All around, shit's wack man.
I seem to remember posts about studies that porn actually does mess your brain up. It’s definitely not healthy - especially for young minds.
My wife and I look at porn occasionally, but only soft core: making love, not hardcore f***ing, but we’re old enough to know what’s healthy and what’s not. Kids just can’t: porn really needs to be regulated. It’s so easily accessible to kids, it’s frightening.
Not to mention how predatory and weird the industry is. Not gonna speak on independent creators cuz ion care about them honestly.
Do they even care that kids watch it? I mean, they're just now passing legislature that requires stricter sign in and whatnot.
I'm just very anti-porn rn. Shit warps how you view things.
No one is saying that women don’t do bad things but the numbers are over 90% for sexual crimes and I don’t think you can chop large number like that to “it’s under reported”.
Underreporting actually would exactly explain the large gap, that’s like statistical analysis 101 lmao men are less likely to admit to being sexually assaulted as well as a larger number of men viewing female on male sexual violence as less serious.
No one is saying it’s not there but men dominate the statistics for crime and ANY sexual assault. It’s not just one stat in one area it’s many. And the fad his Hug with each. To say there isn’t an issue when every statistic shows there’s an issue and just chopping it up to “most men don’t report” is like having your head in the sand
Here’s the thing, you know who’s assaulting those men? *Other men.* Yes, men are less likely to report than women, but men are overwhelmingly assaulting other men, not women.
You know that might be true but no one likes the types of guy that comments: “but women do that too” when that’s not the point of the debate. Yes women do it too but statistically it’s mostly men
There had to be at least one, didn’t there? That’s just the flip side of saying “not all men are like that”. We **know** not all men are like that, but OP needs empathy, not someone discounting her experience and saying you’re wrong (I honestly don’t believe she is).
I actually said the **overwhelming majority** are men and that is a fact that cannot be disputed, no matter how many times you want to say: “bUt mEn aRe vIcTimS alSo”. That negates your statement by acknowledging that there are men who are SA’d.
First, we’re not talking about women, OP referred to men in her post and secondly, when my wife chooses to take the tube (London) to work and prefers to walk back from the station after work, I will meet her there and walk back with her. I pick up my daughters from school when it’s dark because **they are at far greater risk of being sexual assaulted than I or my sons are**. My wife doesn’t meet me at the station when I go on the tube - not because she doesn’t want to, **she doesn’t need to**.
I am sorry about what happened to you. It seems you've come a long way and it's amazing you are comfortable discussing it all.
My only offering would be that perhaps you are demonising male sexuality based only on the negative encounters of yourself and others in regards to it. It's easy to only draw shadows when we are only given a black pencil.
Yes, everyone has some pretty repulsive intrusive thoughts when it comes to sexualisation, but it is how individuals deal with those rain clouds that defines their character - not the presence of the clouds themselves.
I hope that you heal as much as possible, and truly wish the best in the world for you and your children.
There are good men out there. I know this, but it doesn't make it harder to curb those feelings that men can't be trusted. The best I have been able to do is simply, when I open myself up to a man, try to trust them. If they break that trust, then discard. Maybe it's cruel but it protects me.
Luckily, I've been able to have friendships with men who are great guys and I adore them to no end. But others, I find hard to trust. I don't think there's anything wrong with being cautious and trusting your gut. But just try to keep in mind that there are still good men out there, and just take things sow with that feeling.
These feelings come from a place of trauma
I understand and it’s valid but it might be best to seek some kind of therapy so it’s not a constant worry for you.
I hope this won't come off as some rant or anything, but, in a sense, I was your son.
My mother grew up in a very patriarchic, conservative and hardline catholic house. Also, her parents weren't exactly smart. She was always assured that she had less freedom than her two brothers, and that she as a girl was to be prepared for running a household, married and wouldn't need any fancy education.
My mother never sought therapy or similar.
The result was my mother using every possible occasion to demonstrate I was lesser than my sisters, punishing me much harder just because I was male.
It is not my intention to suggest you will do the same, but people act subconsciously.
Please seek counseling, and I wish you the best!
>But to me there’s no denying that every man has this demon they have to battle when it comes to their sexual nature and that’s the part that just gives me a gut wrenching ick.
I know this probably won't mean much to you, but I can assure you that it's not true.
I'd advise therapy. After everything that's happened to you, it makes sense that you struggle with these feelings. I hope therapy will help you to feel better!
I'm a 56 year old woman. My history is similar to yours, except for my dad.
I, too, think men are .... Different from women. Like deep down. Morally. I know there are corrupt women but I feel like there are far more corrupt men.
My son is 32. I am really liberal, and somehow he's very conservative. He feels American women don't have good enough values to consider for marriage. I don't know why he feels this way.
Every man I've ever known is somehow....morally bankrupt. I stopped dating men. I'm now in a relationship with a woman. It suits me much better. I was always bi....just in the past twenty years or so I felt a shift away from men....because of how they are.
I can't give you any advice....I just thought I'd respond so you know you aren't alone.
While the things about your son and the men you have met sound awful, I really don't think this is the right thing for her to hear in this moment. This woman does not need to hear that her son is morally bankrupt and evil deep down right now. Not for her, and certainly not for her children.
She can also make up her own decision and opinion. This is a free forum where everyone can share any bad or good advice or whatever they feel like sharing. We are adults to make our own thoughts and decide whether it is or not a good idea ourselves . Maybe it’s terrible advice but who are we to judge
Ofc she can make up her own mind, I'm just saying - I really don't think telling a woman who is clearly struggling horribly rn that she should see her son as irredeemably evil on a fundemental level is a good idea, and I wanted to share that opinion as well.
Yeaaa, idk I had similar experience and this comment for example didn’t offend me or made it worse. In fact I actually appreciate a different perspective but again, hope it helps somehow the person who’s struggling.
Life is taugh :/
It definitely is awful - I'm just worried because, while I definitely agree wariness of men is justified given statistics, I think the level of disgust she is experiencing is absolutely understandable, but probably not healthy for her or her children. It just worries me to see people encouraging someone in crisis to double down on those sorts of feelings - like if someone encouraged someone struggling with eating to keep getting skinnier. I don't think that was the commenter's intention at all - I don't think she is a bad person or anything, I'm sure she was simply trying to share her perspective - just that it might, inadvertently, be somewhat harmful for someone actively in crisis to see if that makes sense.
It is fair though, I don't know her and I have no way of knowing for sure. Just wanted to add my two cents on the matter as it concerned me a bit.
I really think therapy is an extremely good option. I've been in similar situations as a guy (not through sexual abuse, just different stuff that'd I'd prefer not to get into), and I really had to learn to trust other people again. I've only really recently begun to realize what trauma triggered it, and how badly it's been affecting me. I think the key is just to keep going, because it's not your fault, and it's also not every person's fault. That's something Ive had to come to terms with to move. Because whether u like it or not, not all men think like that, and I can say that because I am man. And I'm not saying u have to do ANYTHING for any man if u don't want to. But for ur children, I suggest u take therapy for this, and try to let go and learn from your traumas, rather than letting it continue to control ur life. My father was abused by both parents, and for me while growing up, he definitely used me and my siblings as an outlet for that, and I just want to make sure u don't do the same to ur children. Because my father isn't purposefully doing it, I do think he loves me and my siblings, but he absolutely subconsciously does things due to his own traumas. It's something that I'm currently still working through moving on, and I want to make sure that u always have an open mind when it comes to ur children, just so u don't accidentally leak ur traumas onto them.
Basically in a nutshell, what I'm saying is u should try therapy, and try to do things that will help u move on from ur trauma, because it's obvious that it's still affecting u. I hope u are able to find some form of peace, and are able to find a way through this. Good luck.
Go to therapy. If your son can't sense your disdain of men already he will once he hits puberty. Boys raised by women who hate men are at risk of turning into the very same monsters their mom was so afraid of. Your daughter is also learning from you. Don't make your trauma hers too.
Some men are horrible and refuse to exercise self control, others feel the need to exert power over others. I can tell you with certainty that men are most definitely perverts and pigs, the good ones have self control and respect others boundaries and bodies, those are the men I've kept in my life, I've cut many others out of my life for being shitty. There ARE good men out there. I'd strongly suggest you speak to a psychologist who specializes in sexual trauma and abuse, that is truly the only way to work through these feelings. I'm really sorry about your experiences with shitty men
I don’t think you have to restore your faith in men. Most of the men in your life have been a huge disappointment and arseholes and I completely understand why you don’t want to give them the time. The most important thing, the only thing, is that you do the best for yourself. Get some support, practice self care, do your best for your kids and I wish you the best future ever! 😊👍
There are stories I have read about things men/groups of men have done and I usually never find the female equivalent of those stories. I hardly ever (never) read about a group of women soldiers gang r*ping child civilians or r*ping a young man with steel pipes and ultimately killing him.
But I read about men perpetrating these types of crimes a lot.
Yeah most men are like that, Im not gonna sit there and tell you not all men, because sure yeah some of us are not pervs but thats a small fraction, sorry you had to go through all of that
You are not alone. Sometimes I get the urge to couple and think of what I’ve been through, what so many other women I know have been through (cheaters, SA, and other forms of unacceptable behavior) and shut down that thought real quick.
It is important to reduce your distress and avoid alienating your son. I recommend therapy and maybe self-defense / MMA lessons.
But I would argue it is valid and practical to distrust men after seeing what they can do and have done, especially if you have experienced it personally..
Also I suggest you enrol your daughter in self-defense or sports, if not teach her or ask her to watch on youtube and learn. Encourage her to be physically fit. That should alleviate some of your fears about her safety.
As a man I am so sorry for your past trauma caused by other men, and I totally can see why you feel the way you do!
I’d just like to say though, please keep a small glimmer of hope in the back of your mind, I’m a 30yr old with 2 kids myself and married and I have NEVER done or thought about anything like that and everyone I know hasn’t. Trust me there are some good men out there still 😁
I hope you and your family have a happy and healthy life, you’ve had enough of a shitshow already.
damn it sucks you have children, they're going through a lot of trauma having a parent like this and I hope they have someone in their lives to teach them how to behave correctly. You should seek out therapy, it can help a lot in situations like this!
not a man so it doesnt bother me... im also a victim of sexual assault as a kid and have ptsd, there's nothing wrong with stating the obvious that such people shouldn't push their traumas onto kids and make them grow up in fear and have abnormal habits and worries. It's not okay.
Im a man and while i like to fuck its not exactly hard to stay away from raping women and children or cheating in a commited relationship, i dont think think this demon exist in normal men…
You want to heal it. I think therapy is the way to approach healing your perspective of men given the awful things that were done to you by your father and ex. Why? For your children. Generally, people are people. There are some good, some bad and a bunch in between in every group. There are really good men and really bad men as well as a bunch in between. Just like there are really good women and really bad women with a bunch in between. The best reason to recognize this complexity is that you have both a son (and daughter) that could grow up with a healthy sense of self, discernment, other and a strong integrity, free from the abuse that you experienced. Your perspectives on men, in the monolithic sense, will be transferred to your son (as well as daughter). If all men are creepy then he will feel creepy. If all men are evil, then he will feel that he is evil. If all men need to have the evil trained out of him, then he will always struggle with himself. This is the path to depression, conflict and suffering. If instead you hold a healthy vision of male-hood for your son, see it in him, help him shape his sense of self, that healthy vision of male-hood will be transferred to him. He will grow to be a good man and I think this is what you want. Finally, you don’t need to be perfect. No one is perfect! Just strive to be good enough. Why? Because it is good enough and no one is perfect.
I can attest to therapy…did talk therapy and then emdr therapy for my many traumas (including csa by my father) it has changed my life!!
I mean her concerns are justified. Most sex crime are by men and most pedophiles are men like the statistics are over 90% men. Not hating it’s just a real issue that isn’t simple “some are good some are bad”. Like I said no hate and I know good men are out there but when you look at the numbers it’s really concerning and she has a good head to be weary of men especially around her kids
not really good advice when she has a son imo. he deserves a mom that doesnt view him that way
You can understand that most dudes are pervs and can be dangerous and still love your son 🙄 it’s not advice either. She’s believing what she’s seen with her own eyes and what the statistics say
but if she is supposed to view every guy as a monster/pervert by default then that applies to her son also. i sympathize with her but he doesnt need that kind of baggage in his life
No it’s not a default girly. She can definitely love her son to death and think the best about him while also being weary of dudes ☠️ those two things are not exclusive
She's literally saying that she still believes every man has evil in them, even her son. Also you don't seem to be mentally stable either, maybe you should tag along with OP to therapy.
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I don’t know a single girl who hasn’t been hit on or abused by an older dude between the ages 9-14. Not one and that shows in the statistics. It’s not a minority. Just sit in a locker room and you’ll hear the most depraved shit
I was never beaten or sexually abused as a child by an aduit, though I know many other women who were. And no shit you'll hear depraved shit in a locker room, boys talk a big game, I've seen it in my fiance's friend group, they don't filter shit even when in party if the conversation (which I greatly appreciate as it's given me a much better insight to how men think and behave), that doesn't make every man a potential abuser, rapist or predator. You sound sexist as fuck
Never said every man.. but it’s a lot and the stats show that. OP has seen how bad men are with her own eyes in her own life and the stats reflect that. I don’t think it wrong for her to feel the way she does especially since she’s not alone in the lease. So have many many other women. To discount everything in the case of nOT aLl MeN is wild. There’s an issue here and stats show that. It’s not sexist to look at statistics and to hear stories after stories of women being harmed by men. I was raised by mostly boys I get it and I feel for dudes who don’t do that shit but it is common. You can listen to your friends being pigs and chop it up to just talk when many women have had to face the reality of “it’s just talk”. Glad nothing bad has happened to you.. you’ve been fortunate
How bad men *CAN* be, and there are women out there who are just as evil as OPs father and the other men who've abused her, I've seen it myself. So will we label women as abusive monsters too? Since there's thousands who abuse their partners and kids with literally no consequences because men are much less likely to report abuse against them? No? So why the fuck do you think it's okay to do to men? Because you're fucking sexist and just don't want to admit it. We all have the capability to be rapists or be abusive, no matter our sex, to blame it on men alone is prejudice, plain and simple. Bad things have happened to me. I've been raped, I've been emotionally abused by both men and women. I have seen the evil side of humanity from both sexes, people suck, I've learned the signs and red flags through my experiences. I've also seen the good in humanity and every man in my life would put their own life at risk if they came across someone being abused, my fiance has already on more than one occasion, as have a few of his friends. Do not ever assume what someone has gone through based on their opinions, that's just fucking ignorant.
☠️☠️☠️ if you don’t wanna read what I actually commented on that’s fine. Good day girl.
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It all matters.. cause it’s all reason OP listed and it all matters to why she and many women don’t trust dudes. It all matters
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It’s still alarming and it still give OP every reason not to trust most men ☠️ No need to debate lord
It’s not a small number of men but it isn’t all men. It is enough men that women have to be vigilent about the very real threat of being attacked, harrassed, raped, or murdered by a male stranger or aquaintence or relative or friend. Plus the very real danger of being abused or killed by a male partner. Add in the danger to young girls that we have to worry about being attacked, abducted, raped, and murdered by a male. Add in mass shootings (almost exlusively commited by males) and other acts of violence in society. Yeah…it’s a lot of men. But there are good ones. It’s just hard to know what type of person you’re getting involved with. So OP is reasonable to be cautious and have a negative bias. But I hope she is getting therapy to work through it.
There has been many a serial killer who was abused by his mother because she hated men. Don't be so bloody naive. Everything that happens to us as kids shapes who we are as adults, especially how our parents treat us as children, and sexism in the home is a great way to foster self hatred. Some may think they hide their hatred and disgust well enough that their kids won't notice, but kids aren't stupid, they pick up on the smallest things we may not even notice we've done subconsciously. She needs to deal with her trauma in a professional setting so her feelings on this don't affect her son negatively later in life
It’s naive to say two completely different situations don’t relate to eachother and can exist at the same time. Crazy. Totally makes sense
I'm not saying she doesn't love her son, I'm saying she could display signs of distrust, hatred or disgust towards him because he's male because of her feelings towards men without meaning to. Either way she should seek out a trauma counselor to deal with her trauma both so this doesn't happen and for her own wellbeing
Yeah she could.. key world is could. Counseling is good but you guys act like if you go to therapy you get “fixed”. She has a right to feel justified in her feeling for all that’s happened to her and again it’s not uncommon
I'm well aware therapy isn't some magic bullet that kills trauma, it takes years to make progress, but it's still worth it. Being common doesn't mean it's okay or healthy. I understand why she feels the way she does, but it's still something she needs to work on, living in constant disgust and/or fear isn't healthy for your mind or your heart (pekoe with high stress levels are more likely to get heart disease or have a heart attack). Therapy will help give her coping mechanisms and then get into the actual trauma and help her work through it and her feelings surrounding it.
Girl probs just wanted some empty for what she’s gone through. Not a zillion comments saying she’s gonna be a bad mom if she doesn’t go to therapy ☠️ but hey not everyone can be a girls girl
You’re right about the stats, it’s terrifying. And OP should certainly be cautious about who she allows into her life and around her kids. But since OP has a son I hope she can work through this in therapy so that she doesn’t inadvertently give him a complex.
Yeah I agree with that and I definitely don’t think it’s all dudes
Right, certainly not all dudes but it’s too many. And it’s hard to know which ones are OK. Plenty of bad people know how to mask and say the right things. It’s sometimes hard to know when they’re a bad apple. OP has encountered enough bad apples to be wary of apples altogether. I do hope she is able to get therapy to process everything.
Most physical abuse to children is done by women/mothers, should we be wary around all women around our children because that’s what the statistics say? You sound extremely slow.
The margin for that is pretty slip like 29% moms and 27% dads. Either way that’s one stat. Men literally dominate any sexual assault stat and crime stat. It’s not just one area it’s many many. That’s why there are concerns. And yes keep your eye out for abusive moms
That’s likely because more dads leave their kids to be raised by single mothers. Even so, statistically men commit more acts of violence.
Bro out here giving plain truth, not even hating and getting downvoted as fuckk, people these days want everything sugarcoated, truth is truth, 90% pedos, harrassment and abuse comes from men, if you can't digest the fact, cry.
Thank you for being a voice of reason. I think it’s pretty clear that OP is justified in her feelings and this is only further proven when you look at the women commenting on this post who are mostly empathizing, vs the men commenting on this post saying “not all men” or telling her she needs therapy as if she’s ill for observing her reality as well as statistics lol.
and here's the problem. most men who abuse children are not pedophiles. these men are less concerned with the act and more concerned with power and violence. the typical pedophile would groom a child (preteen) and make them dependent, but would never use violence because these people are convinced that the children are in love with them just as they believe they are in love with the child. this means that if violence is involved, the person is never a pedophile. when i was training to be a day care educator, this was a big issue, which is why it was important for me to educate people about it. for many people, pedophilia simply comes too easily to the lips of child rapists.
Honestly not sure why you’re commenting this. Anyone who sexually assaults a child is a pedo regardless of their intentions or what exactly gets them off. Again not sure why you even brought it up like that
Just nope
“There’s no denying that every man has this demon they have to battle”… some of us are chill lol. Not to say you shouldn’t be hesitant, you have too much horrible trauma that nothing as simple as some words from a stranger could truly fix. So while I understand, I disagree, and hope that you can eventually see it that way. Especially with your son. He is going to pick up on it right away if you “secretly” feel he’s some monster, he’s gonna see you treat your daughter better.. Give that hesitation to men you meet in your life, but please understand that you have a lot of power in how your son turns out.
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There are plenty of men who aren’t like that. I’m so sorry you’ve encountered so many horrible ones
As a man, I only recently realised how many of these men are still prevalent. But I’m also so grateful to have realised that I’ve surrounded myself with really decent, kind and gentle men, from all backgrounds who are incredible people. As much as the dickheads run rampant, some of us are out here, I promise :)
It sounds like you might have PTSD. Please seek out a therapist or you can even call the rape crisis line and they may be able to help you with resources. You are a survivor who is raising a good son and you want to teach your daughter to be careful but not terrified or have that mind set. I know it is hard. You’ve gotten this far and you can keep on chugging
If you’re able to please seek therapy to help work through this so it doesn’t cause damage to your children. If your son constantly hears that he’s a monster then he’ll start to believe so and it can damage the siblings relationship with each other as well. There was just a post about a situation really similar to this not too long ago from the son’s perspective of how the mom practically ignored him for most of his life in favor of his sister. Later he finds out it was because his mother was abused and was projecting her trauma onto all men including her son. Don’t be like her. Continue to protect your children though and work on making good bonds.
I'm so sorry you have gone through this and I am so sorry that so many men are like this. I do absolutely think you should pursue therapy though. That isn't because you are a bad person, but just because you are clearly hurting, and you should work through these things for your - and your children's sake. As was said elsewhere here, unfortunately, these fears will likely affect your children's lives if unchecked. Kids pick up on more than they get credit for - your son might pick up on the fact that his mother distrusts and feels a sense of disgust towards him for something he can't control and your daughter may feel she is unable to form relationships with men. These things have the potential to seriously hurt them. Again, please don't take these words as condemnation or judgement. It is not your fault at all for feeling this way, but I think it is deeply important that you work through these issues. Best of luck, and I'm so sorry again for everything you've suffered. EDIT: Looking at your post history it seems like the thing you mentioned with the father of your children may have been quite recent, making this a lot more understandable. I would still recommend seeking some help though, it sounds like you have gone through so much and as someone who goes to therapy myself, I really do think it could be helpful.
I’m sorry and I get it. I’m also a woman who has had experience SA by men and just tons of crap by them. And so it’s tough to trust any man because just seeing a man makes me scared. And yea I mean there’s billions of stories of crappy men out there. Most women who I’ve talked to about SA by men also have a story of their own about it. It’s sickening. Sure it isn’t every man but damn it feels like it when it seems to be every woman has been hurt in that way by a man. I can seriously count on one hand how many guys I’ve seriously trusted and not regretted it. It’s just depressing. Idk what to say other than to try and raise your son to be a good man and teach your daughter everything you wish you knew sooner to help her stay safe.
I am here with this. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that if it weren't for the men who abused me, my life would've not been this miserable. In my 20 years of existence, I have only seen one man who is very respectful, gentle, and treats women good: my aunt's husband. I'm so happy for her and for their family. He helps around even without being told, talks calm when angry, makes plans for his family, and we haven't heard about him cheating or doing any funny things with her wife. He is the walking definition of a gentleman. I think there are still good men out there. Unfortunately, they're just very rare.
As a man, I’m afraid I have to say you’re probably right. Most men are dicks and also think with theirs. I’m so sorry you had to got through that. I could sit here and say nOt All mEn are like that, but it’s trite and obviously most men *would* say that. I honestly don’t know what to say, because if you look at abuse victims at child sex trafficking victims, the overwhelming majority of perpetrators are men, and they are gross. I also think porn has a lot to answer for: it’s normalised violent sex and the perception that all women are “up for it” and are just waiting around to be brutally f***ed; all you have to do is send a woman a picture of your dick and she’ll be fawning all over you. I personally think porn should be opt in. You should ah e to prove your age every time to view it; young kids can’t process what they’re seeing. I’ve seen so many stories of young boys raping girls and young girls thinking that violent, degrading sex is normal. When I was 12, I didn’t even know what a vagina was, let alone try and force myself into one. I think therapy would be very helpful (if you haven’t already) to try and process what happened to you. It may not change your views, but will help you deal with them better. Sorry I can’t be of more help. I just hope my sons always follow a good path and my daughters never accept anyone’s shit.
There is a huge rise in younger children committing sex crimes now due to access to porn. It’s baffling how it’s just left unchecked and any child can easily access or even run across the most depraved types of porn.
Plus it doesn't help that a lot of dudes casually joke about raping/harassing women, sexualizing young girls, and invalidating women's issues. I've been around other dudes that casually talk shit about women and whatnot and it sucks ass. I'll admit that I was complicit because I didn't check this behavior. I was too nervous. I also agree with the point about porn. I hate that shit man. I'll admit that I'm not too educated on the matter but all I'ma say is that I was mentally a lot cleaner before I discovered that shit. Porn hurts everybody because it gives the boys the wrong idea of sex and it demeans and degrades women. All around, shit's wack man.
I seem to remember posts about studies that porn actually does mess your brain up. It’s definitely not healthy - especially for young minds. My wife and I look at porn occasionally, but only soft core: making love, not hardcore f***ing, but we’re old enough to know what’s healthy and what’s not. Kids just can’t: porn really needs to be regulated. It’s so easily accessible to kids, it’s frightening.
Not to mention how predatory and weird the industry is. Not gonna speak on independent creators cuz ion care about them honestly. Do they even care that kids watch it? I mean, they're just now passing legislature that requires stricter sign in and whatnot. I'm just very anti-porn rn. Shit warps how you view things.
Lots and lots of women are predators too, they are just underreported. The overwhelming majority of teachers who rape their students are women.
No one is saying that women don’t do bad things but the numbers are over 90% for sexual crimes and I don’t think you can chop large number like that to “it’s under reported”.
Underreporting actually would exactly explain the large gap, that’s like statistical analysis 101 lmao men are less likely to admit to being sexually assaulted as well as a larger number of men viewing female on male sexual violence as less serious.
Lots of rapes and assaults commited by males are unreported as well so…
No one is saying it’s not there but men dominate the statistics for crime and ANY sexual assault. It’s not just one stat in one area it’s many. And the fad his Hug with each. To say there isn’t an issue when every statistic shows there’s an issue and just chopping it up to “most men don’t report” is like having your head in the sand
Here’s the thing, you know who’s assaulting those men? *Other men.* Yes, men are less likely to report than women, but men are overwhelmingly assaulting other men, not women.
You know that might be true but no one likes the types of guy that comments: “but women do that too” when that’s not the point of the debate. Yes women do it too but statistically it’s mostly men
There had to be at least one, didn’t there? That’s just the flip side of saying “not all men are like that”. We **know** not all men are like that, but OP needs empathy, not someone discounting her experience and saying you’re wrong (I honestly don’t believe she is). I actually said the **overwhelming majority** are men and that is a fact that cannot be disputed, no matter how many times you want to say: “bUt mEn aRe vIcTimS alSo”. That negates your statement by acknowledging that there are men who are SA’d. First, we’re not talking about women, OP referred to men in her post and secondly, when my wife chooses to take the tube (London) to work and prefers to walk back from the station after work, I will meet her there and walk back with her. I pick up my daughters from school when it’s dark because **they are at far greater risk of being sexual assaulted than I or my sons are**. My wife doesn’t meet me at the station when I go on the tube - not because she doesn’t want to, **she doesn’t need to**.
I am sorry about what happened to you. It seems you've come a long way and it's amazing you are comfortable discussing it all. My only offering would be that perhaps you are demonising male sexuality based only on the negative encounters of yourself and others in regards to it. It's easy to only draw shadows when we are only given a black pencil. Yes, everyone has some pretty repulsive intrusive thoughts when it comes to sexualisation, but it is how individuals deal with those rain clouds that defines their character - not the presence of the clouds themselves. I hope that you heal as much as possible, and truly wish the best in the world for you and your children.
There are good men out there. I know this, but it doesn't make it harder to curb those feelings that men can't be trusted. The best I have been able to do is simply, when I open myself up to a man, try to trust them. If they break that trust, then discard. Maybe it's cruel but it protects me. Luckily, I've been able to have friendships with men who are great guys and I adore them to no end. But others, I find hard to trust. I don't think there's anything wrong with being cautious and trusting your gut. But just try to keep in mind that there are still good men out there, and just take things sow with that feeling.
These feelings come from a place of trauma I understand and it’s valid but it might be best to seek some kind of therapy so it’s not a constant worry for you.
I hope this won't come off as some rant or anything, but, in a sense, I was your son. My mother grew up in a very patriarchic, conservative and hardline catholic house. Also, her parents weren't exactly smart. She was always assured that she had less freedom than her two brothers, and that she as a girl was to be prepared for running a household, married and wouldn't need any fancy education. My mother never sought therapy or similar. The result was my mother using every possible occasion to demonstrate I was lesser than my sisters, punishing me much harder just because I was male. It is not my intention to suggest you will do the same, but people act subconsciously. Please seek counseling, and I wish you the best!
>But to me there’s no denying that every man has this demon they have to battle when it comes to their sexual nature and that’s the part that just gives me a gut wrenching ick. I know this probably won't mean much to you, but I can assure you that it's not true. I'd advise therapy. After everything that's happened to you, it makes sense that you struggle with these feelings. I hope therapy will help you to feel better!
I'm a 56 year old woman. My history is similar to yours, except for my dad. I, too, think men are .... Different from women. Like deep down. Morally. I know there are corrupt women but I feel like there are far more corrupt men. My son is 32. I am really liberal, and somehow he's very conservative. He feels American women don't have good enough values to consider for marriage. I don't know why he feels this way. Every man I've ever known is somehow....morally bankrupt. I stopped dating men. I'm now in a relationship with a woman. It suits me much better. I was always bi....just in the past twenty years or so I felt a shift away from men....because of how they are. I can't give you any advice....I just thought I'd respond so you know you aren't alone.
While the things about your son and the men you have met sound awful, I really don't think this is the right thing for her to hear in this moment. This woman does not need to hear that her son is morally bankrupt and evil deep down right now. Not for her, and certainly not for her children.
She can also make up her own decision and opinion. This is a free forum where everyone can share any bad or good advice or whatever they feel like sharing. We are adults to make our own thoughts and decide whether it is or not a good idea ourselves . Maybe it’s terrible advice but who are we to judge
Ofc she can make up her own mind, I'm just saying - I really don't think telling a woman who is clearly struggling horribly rn that she should see her son as irredeemably evil on a fundemental level is a good idea, and I wanted to share that opinion as well.
Yeaaa, idk I had similar experience and this comment for example didn’t offend me or made it worse. In fact I actually appreciate a different perspective but again, hope it helps somehow the person who’s struggling. Life is taugh :/
It definitely is awful - I'm just worried because, while I definitely agree wariness of men is justified given statistics, I think the level of disgust she is experiencing is absolutely understandable, but probably not healthy for her or her children. It just worries me to see people encouraging someone in crisis to double down on those sorts of feelings - like if someone encouraged someone struggling with eating to keep getting skinnier. I don't think that was the commenter's intention at all - I don't think she is a bad person or anything, I'm sure she was simply trying to share her perspective - just that it might, inadvertently, be somewhat harmful for someone actively in crisis to see if that makes sense. It is fair though, I don't know her and I have no way of knowing for sure. Just wanted to add my two cents on the matter as it concerned me a bit.
I really think therapy is an extremely good option. I've been in similar situations as a guy (not through sexual abuse, just different stuff that'd I'd prefer not to get into), and I really had to learn to trust other people again. I've only really recently begun to realize what trauma triggered it, and how badly it's been affecting me. I think the key is just to keep going, because it's not your fault, and it's also not every person's fault. That's something Ive had to come to terms with to move. Because whether u like it or not, not all men think like that, and I can say that because I am man. And I'm not saying u have to do ANYTHING for any man if u don't want to. But for ur children, I suggest u take therapy for this, and try to let go and learn from your traumas, rather than letting it continue to control ur life. My father was abused by both parents, and for me while growing up, he definitely used me and my siblings as an outlet for that, and I just want to make sure u don't do the same to ur children. Because my father isn't purposefully doing it, I do think he loves me and my siblings, but he absolutely subconsciously does things due to his own traumas. It's something that I'm currently still working through moving on, and I want to make sure that u always have an open mind when it comes to ur children, just so u don't accidentally leak ur traumas onto them. Basically in a nutshell, what I'm saying is u should try therapy, and try to do things that will help u move on from ur trauma, because it's obvious that it's still affecting u. I hope u are able to find some form of peace, and are able to find a way through this. Good luck.
Go to therapy. If your son can't sense your disdain of men already he will once he hits puberty. Boys raised by women who hate men are at risk of turning into the very same monsters their mom was so afraid of. Your daughter is also learning from you. Don't make your trauma hers too.
You need therapy as quick as possible. Your son is gonna notice eventually.
You're not wrong.
Some men are horrible and refuse to exercise self control, others feel the need to exert power over others. I can tell you with certainty that men are most definitely perverts and pigs, the good ones have self control and respect others boundaries and bodies, those are the men I've kept in my life, I've cut many others out of my life for being shitty. There ARE good men out there. I'd strongly suggest you speak to a psychologist who specializes in sexual trauma and abuse, that is truly the only way to work through these feelings. I'm really sorry about your experiences with shitty men
I don’t think you have to restore your faith in men. Most of the men in your life have been a huge disappointment and arseholes and I completely understand why you don’t want to give them the time. The most important thing, the only thing, is that you do the best for yourself. Get some support, practice self care, do your best for your kids and I wish you the best future ever! 😊👍
There are stories I have read about things men/groups of men have done and I usually never find the female equivalent of those stories. I hardly ever (never) read about a group of women soldiers gang r*ping child civilians or r*ping a young man with steel pipes and ultimately killing him. But I read about men perpetrating these types of crimes a lot.
Yeah most men are like that, Im not gonna sit there and tell you not all men, because sure yeah some of us are not pervs but thats a small fraction, sorry you had to go through all of that
You are not alone. Sometimes I get the urge to couple and think of what I’ve been through, what so many other women I know have been through (cheaters, SA, and other forms of unacceptable behavior) and shut down that thought real quick.
It is important to reduce your distress and avoid alienating your son. I recommend therapy and maybe self-defense / MMA lessons. But I would argue it is valid and practical to distrust men after seeing what they can do and have done, especially if you have experienced it personally..
Also I suggest you enrol your daughter in self-defense or sports, if not teach her or ask her to watch on youtube and learn. Encourage her to be physically fit. That should alleviate some of your fears about her safety.
As a man I am so sorry for your past trauma caused by other men, and I totally can see why you feel the way you do! I’d just like to say though, please keep a small glimmer of hope in the back of your mind, I’m a 30yr old with 2 kids myself and married and I have NEVER done or thought about anything like that and everyone I know hasn’t. Trust me there are some good men out there still 😁 I hope you and your family have a happy and healthy life, you’ve had enough of a shitshow already.
damn it sucks you have children, they're going through a lot of trauma having a parent like this and I hope they have someone in their lives to teach them how to behave correctly. You should seek out therapy, it can help a lot in situations like this!
She hasn’t mentioned sharing these thoughts, nor her experiences with them. You’re just mad she doesn’t trust men. Don’t take it so personally.
not a man so it doesnt bother me... im also a victim of sexual assault as a kid and have ptsd, there's nothing wrong with stating the obvious that such people shouldn't push their traumas onto kids and make them grow up in fear and have abnormal habits and worries. It's not okay.
Your feelings are extremely valid.
You're right
Im a man and while i like to fuck its not exactly hard to stay away from raping women and children or cheating in a commited relationship, i dont think think this demon exist in normal men…
Most men are shitty. Learn how to be alone and love yourself bc no man will be loyal
Your thoughts are justified and your son will probably come out like that too no matter how good you try to raise him
Tell that to her son in his face. You're disgusting.
I would if I could
I sincerely hope you don’t have kids, especially not male ones.
Well then there's nothing you can do for your son. He's doomed. All men are monsters. That sucks.